#i really hope the cardiologist is helpful i have really low expectations though

[leechloach]

I feel like complete shit in going to bed early (it's 1:24am. That Is easy for me). If I wake up at like 8 again I'm killing eveybody

[saranghanuuu]

LOVE LASTS FOREVER JDRAMA REVIEW ♡

Love Lasts Forever / An Incurable Case Of Love (Koi Wa Tsuzuku yo Dokomade mo) is a 2020 romance-comedy-medical Japanese drama based on Maki Enjōji’s 2016 manga series of the same name. It stars Takeru Satoh playing the role of Dr. Tendo Kairi and Kamishiraishi Mone as Sakura Nanase.

PLOT SUMMARY

Love Lasts Forever / An Incurable Case Of Love (Koi Wa Tsuzuku yo Dokomade mo) tells the story of Sakura Nanase who accidentally (or should I say, fatefully) encounters cardiologist Tendo Kairi after an old woman collapsed on the street due to vasospasm. Sakura is greatly impressed on how Dr. Tendo handled the matter at hand and falls in love with him at first sight. After Dr. Tendo complimented Sakura for playing a key role of screaming for help for the old woman, she then realized her desire to become a nurse for a chance to meet him again.

Five years later, she was admitted as a nurse trainee at Hiura General Hospital where Dr. Tendo works. Sakura confessed to him on her first day of work, only to receive a blunt rejection. Unbeknownst to her, Dr. Tendo is dubbed as a “devil” at work for being a perfectionist and for criticizing other doctors and nurses. Sakura earned the title “hero” in the cardiology ward because of that daring confession, but Dr. Tendo sees her as nothing but a “boulder” hindering his job due to her clumsiness. However perhaps with love and patience, nothing is impossible. Sakura continued to pursue the seemingly cold-hearted Dr. Tendo, especially after she was placed under his team. She now aims to receive his validation both at work and in love. Will Sakura be able to succeed in this sweet ordeal?

MY TWO CENTS

I haven’t seen a Japanese drama in a while and it’s highly unlikely for me to watch one as my hands are full of Korean dramas these days (I am currently watching 3 ongoing and 4 finished series). But then I happen to see a fan-made video again circulating in Facebook about Love Lasts Forever. The FMV is so well-done that I was fascinated - covering all the meaty parts from start to finish. That’s when I decided I should gamble my time for this. It appears to be just an easy-going series, I thought, which will be a good catch since everything’s so complex recently. I started it with low expectations... And I unexpectedly loved it so much than I can handle!

WARNING: I suggest you not watching this if you are tired of this kind of plot, OR you prefer complicated stories, OR you expect this to focus on the medical aspect than romance. I want to save this drama from your disappointment. On the other hand, this drama suits best for hopeless romantics who fairly need a breather from the intricacies of life.

Since I never once reckon Love Lasts Forever to be a perfect drama, I am setting aside my criticisms. Instead, I am listing the things that made me fall for this series:

Kamishiraishi Mone is sooo KAWAII! Yes, this is the first reason HAHAHA😁 The way she speaks is very cute that it made me an instant fan. Of course it followed that I researched about her and found far more interesting things! She is a singer and the voice actress behind Mitsuha Miyamizu of Japanese anime film Your Name at that! She even sang an OST of Your Name entitled Nandemonaiya. Whoa~ So impressive, this girl.

Right on acting. I am well aware that Japanese series tend to be OA and loud. This one is no different, but more of on the entertaining side than cringeworthy.

Clichè theme, yes, but the kind you will never get tired of. Admit it or not, your heart still flutters on stories of a tsundere male lead falling head over heels with a clumsy but bright female lead

Similarity with Itazura Na Kiss - anyone who watched this drama will be able to tell, I suppose. Itazura Na Kiss is evidently one of my most loved stories that I made several posts about it here in my blog. But I guess Love Lasts Forever stood out in a way that it's more relaxed and less toxic (just like what a user commented on my previous post).

Love Lasts Forever showed justification behind Dr. Tendo's strict and aloof personality, which brought more excitement as Sakura slowly breaks down the walls on Dr. Tendo's heart. It is thrilling when they do this in a drama really. Dr. Tendo initially drew a line between him and Sakura, so him growing as an expressive character is one for the record! He gave so many reassurances to Sakura that he loves her, that it was never a mistake that he chose to be with her.

Kiss kiss kiss overload!

In my standard at least, Takeru Satoh is not handsome (sorry hah~), but I must admit he's oozing with sex appeal. He's a good kisser too and I love it🙈 And since we're already talking about kissing, Kamishiraishi Mone's responses to kissing scenes are really good too. It's not awkward and will indeed make you feel the tension.

Feel-good OST! This is on repeat in my playlist nowadays and everytime I listen to it, it brings back all the heart-fluttering memories in the drama.

Every episode has a distinct story to tell.

Hilarious side characters! And second and third couples that are likewise lovable - Dr. Kisugi x Sakai and Nishi x Ryuko

My happily ever after ideal ending - a marriage.

FUN FACTS/TRIVIAS ABOUT THIS DRAMA (Compiled from Blitzfansub)

Dr. Tendo is your stereotypical “Do-S” character (literally translated to “Super-S”) where normally the “S” stands for sadistic. Because they just say Do-S, the running joke is that he can be both super stoic and super sadistic at the same time.

It is part of Japanese politeness to describe *every* *single* *action* the nurse takes. And every time they touch the patient, or get too close to them, they literally say “pardon me”. It doesn’t sound natural in English, but not translating those lines will also be unnatural. The cultural difference is that in US, the nurses try to keep a conversation with you to distract you from the discomfort. In Japan, they tell you everything about it so you don’t get uncomfortable.

Team Tendo or Team Kisugi is of course, a double entendre. It means a doctor-nurse assignment as they described in the show, but they hint at it as also being “a fan of…” Tendo or Kisugi.

You may have noticed Dr. Tendo’s favorite phrase is “baka” and while it can translated to any one of stupid, idiot, retard, there is a distinction based on context. When he’s calling her “baka” at work, he’s insulting her lack of experience, and not necessarily her lack of intelligence. That’s why “retard” was used. In Episode 3 when Sakura mimicked Dr. Tendo in self-deprecating way, she said “idiot” and he defended himself saying he wasn’t that harsh. At the end of this episode, when she called him out, the baka he used was a very endearing kind, so the word “stupid” was used.

The scene where Dr. Tendo pretends to fall asleep after Sakura gets out of the shower may be seen as “cruel” in American culture but it’s a classic “gentleman move” in Japanese romance plots. He’s worried that she feels too pressured if he’s awake, so he pretends to be asleep and alleviate the pressure to have sex. I hope you can all appreciate his kindness!

A line from Episode 8 that literally says “It’s all your fault for making this weird kid be attracted to you” is such a hard line to sub. Like, who says that?! I mean, never mind that it sounds awkward. Nobody I know thinks like this (that it’s her fault he’s attracted to her). So translating isn’t just about replacing Japanese words with English words, but it’s also about placing it in the correct context. In this case, such a scenario would never happen in America because no guy says this in a lovable/jealous manner. Every guy that says this is a psychopath!! So what do you do in this case? The translator took a stab at the possible context and rephrased it to sound a bit more normal. If the context turns out to be different, the translator probably have to rephrase it significantly. Just a little “behind-the-scene” on how subtitling works!

Difference from Manga: In episode 6, Miori is supposed to be the younger sister of Minori. Most people assume they are twins because that was the setting in the manga. However, the drama never explicitly mention them being twins. But if you check TBS’ website… it mistakenly shows Miori as 33 and Minori as 26 even though Minori is suppose to be older. And furthermore if you read the description for Miori, it says “Minori’s twin sister” so… in conclusion, the TBS website is a hot mess!

The amusement park Dr. Tendo and Sakura went to was filmed at Tokyo Dome City.

Takeru Satoh gave a “behind the scene” talk where he said that removing Sakura’s hair tie in the living room scene of Episode 8 was ad-libbed. He thought of it on the spot because the drama has used hair tie as a symbolism for “focused career-mode Sakura”, and untying her hair there showed that he’s treating her as a woman.

Another behind the scene talk regarding last scene of Episode 8: The editors were going to start the I love… song at the point where Dr. Tendo shows up, but the editors said “it’s probably obvious that he’s going to show up, so might as well start the song early and match Dr. Tendo’s appearance with the crescendo.”

Bath culture is big in Japan. People don’t normally just take showers. That’s why when Sakura’s mom realized her house is not fit for a guest to take a bath, she sent the whole family to a public bath (called sento).

In a scene where Sakura’s trying to act cute in Episode 9, Dr. Tendo literally says “Did you eat something spoiled?” because there’s a reference that you act out of character when you eat something bad. This reference doesn’t work in English, so instead, “hitting yourself in the head” is used.

In the scene on Episode 10 where Nishi is introducing himself to Dr. Tendo, he actually calls Dr. Tendo “younger brother.” This is because even if he is younger than Dr. Tendo, if he marries his older sister, Nishi automatically becomes the “older brother-in-law” in turn making Dr. Tendo the “younger brother-in-law”.

In Japan, the “best man” of the wedding is usually the groom’s boss.

Apparently this series was so popular it crashed Paravi (TBS streaming site) few hours after EP10 release!

Not long ago, I was afflicted by an emotional disturbance that lasted for two months. It affected my everyday living so much that I had a hard time sleeping. After watching this drama, it faded away, to my surprise. I owe my happiness these days to this show. Maybe that's how I can sum up the fun of watching this. I hope the same goes to you!

[goodnessmarygrace]

Part two of my POTS story...

So where I left off last time is when corona came around.

At this point, my symptoms were affecting my mental health as much as my physical. I could not focus in school. Therefore, my grades were harder to maintain and I hardly had enough energy left for the FFA contests and other organizations I was part of. I couldn’t sleep at night no matter how tired I was. When I did get a decent amount of sleep, I never felt well rested. My “everything is fine” mask was slipping hard. I cried nearly everyday. My anxiety was raging and I constantly felt terrible for not meeting all of my teacher’s and peer’s expectations. It dawned on me that my track season was done for, whether or not the pandemic took it. It was was March and I still couldn’t run my events without nearly collapsing. Everything getting cancelled was a relief because I didn’t get embarrassed from being such a mess everyday. I had so many “diagnoses” that I assumed people probably thought I was making it up. I even thought I was making it up. I brainwashed myself again. It was stressful. Everything was so uncertain that I avoided telling anyone anything about my many doctor appointments or deteriorating health.

When quarantine began, the real healing process began as well. I went to a doctor who helped me immensely. She told me to rest for 6 weeks. No exercise. This time, I was willing to do it since I was home. I had time to sleep and no longer had to juggle all of the stuff I was in. I spent time doing what I like to do, taking walks and looking at nature, being creative and using my artistic abilities, reading and getting closer to GOD again. I could finally take a deep breath. I realized that perfectionism and anxiety ruined my mind. I drew near to GOD in prayer and told Him that whatever happened next, I would trust His plan. This is the point in my life that I truly learned what trust and faith meant. I had many more doctor appointments to come. Through them all, I learned hope. I had to have hope that GOD would guide my doctors and help us to reach a diagnosis.

I was diagnosed with sinus arrhythmia and (misdiagnosed) with an incomplete RBBB and right axis diviation. I was also diagnosed with vocal cord disfunction, not asthma. When my mom noticed my shaking, (the shaking that I had been experiencing for the past year and thought was normal) we went to a neurologist. It was the neurologist who figured out the real problem though. He listened to my wild and crazy medical history story and all the happenings of the past few years. He seemed perplexed at first and deeply sad that I’d had so many issues. He had me hooked to a heart monitor (I’m a natural at those babies by now) and had me lie down. Then I sat up for a little before going to standing. I watched the screen with excitement. Was he seeing anything? All I could see was my heart rate increase. It went from the 60s to 100s in a matter of minutes. He told me I had something called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, or POTS for short. I didn’t really think too much about it. He didn’t explain what it was or anything and I assumed it was some harmless thing. I had bigger fish to fry. I had an MRI ordered to check on my spinal cord to see if it was tethered. I also was referred to a cardiologist. Call me crazy, but I actually hoped my spinal cord was tethered. That would mean that some of the weakness, clumsiness, numbness, tingling, chronic constipation, leg pain, and other muscular issues in my lower half could be cured or treated with a surgery. I prayed very hard in the next week that I had a tethered cord so that some of my problems could be fixed. I didn’t think very much about my POTS. As I prayed for my cord to be the answer, I also prayed that I would be able to recover if I didn’t get the diagnosis. And when the results came in and I was indeed “just fine,” I could take the disappointment. I decided then to look into POTS and figure out what it was. That’s when I realized that it was in fact the diagnosis we had been searching for all along. What a relief it was. Most people probably would think that being relieved about being chronically ill is ridiculous, but if you’d been suffering for two years for no apparent reason, you’d take whatever diagnosis you can. I had some more appointments with the cardiologist. Electrocardiograhm showed I was fine. The stress test said otherwise. A stress test is when you walk and run while hooked to an ECG and blood pressure cuff. I didn’t make it through 4 minutes of jogging before I was too dizzy to continue. My head ached for the rest of the day and I was exhausted. The weirdest part is, my blood pressure wouldn’t read correctly. Either I had no blood pressure at all or it was at 260/60!! That’s wack! I have to go back in a few months to get retested.

Meanwhile, I’ve come to terms with my POTS. I am grateful to finally know what is happening inside of me. I feel victorious even though the battle has just begun. For the past month, I have been getting increasingly worse. I nap nearly everyday where I used to nap once every 6 months, no matter how tired I was. My heart palpitates like crazy. I can literally see it convulsing frantically in my chest. I’m out of breath walking to the bathroom. I’m even more fatigued than I was during school. Standing for long periods of time is rough, but gardening is even worse. Squatting down and getting up to plant plants, hoeing the soil, and pulling weeds in the summer heat and humidity is insanely dizzying. Everything gets more difficult everyday, no matter how much water I drink, salt it eat, and light exercise I do.

Some of my friends know I’ve been to doctors. Some know I have POTS. Most of them don’t know anything. Very few are aware of what it’s actually like to be chronically ill. They don’t know that my chances of being able to play sports when school resumes are low. So you may be wondering, how am I possibly excited for the future awaiting me and glad I’ve gone through all of this in the past year? Well, the answer is because through it all, it was an answer to the prayers I prayed in the summer of 2019. GOD began putting His plan in action before I even realized I wanted it to happen. My relationship with Him is much deeper. I have a testimony now and I know what faith, hope, and trust mean. I have the courage now to let go of the activities and responsibilities in my life that are holding me back. I plan to quit basketball (I was never very good in the first place) and pursue my GOD-given talent for art. I plan to bring about a business that will impact others. I plan to show others the gift of life that only GOD can give. I plan to share my journey on Tumblr, even if no one is here to read it. I plan to lean on GOD like never before and hopefully learn a thing or two about self-love and self-care. For the first time, I can say that I’m not actually following my plan, but the one that GOD has for me. It took years for it to come into focus, but now I’m confident that He knows what He’s doing and it’s all for the best. It’s going to be an adventure, but maybe the hardest part is already over. After two years of denial and running in circles, I am finally going somewhere. Even if it means I will be limited to my physical capabilities.

I think I’m ready.

-Mary Grace

June 8, 2020

[avcngrs]

I want to share my life story. It would mean the world to me if you read this all the way through. ♥

Dear friends, 

Some people have been asking if I’m returning to tumblr and well... not exactly.

I’m actually considering deleting my tumblr. I’ve definitely moved on and realized that tumblr only worsened my depression and kept me locked up in a world on a laptop. And yes, I made amazing friends on here who helped me through some hard times. However, they’ve all changed usernames and I can’t even find them. The insane amount of hours I’ve spent on this website scares me. I left tumblr about a year ago kind of suddenly and I want everyone to know that I’m okay, maybe even better than okay. It’s been a long, hard road with medical issues and anxiety and although tumblr was an escape for a while, it left me more and more broken.

To those who have been on tumblr for years like I have, with friends and a well-established blog, this website is not where you’ll find happiness. This might sound controversial, but hear me out. Staying locked in your room away from your family and real-life friends is not healthy. Human connection is what we long for, and it can’t be found behind a computer screen.

During Junior High, I found tumblr and bad friends who led me down a path of destruction. Tumblr led me into having a bad swearing problem, which I completely regret and still struggle with. Looking back on this website, I see a waste of time and a dark phase of my life. There is so much more to life then spending hours of your life photoshopping Captain America for a blog.

If you’re depressed or suicidal relying on tumblr, I understand. If you’ve read this far I want you to keep reading, and I want to explain everything to my followers on here. Why I created this blog in 2014, what I struggled with, and I want to give you hope of how far I’ve come in my life. From almost committing suicide, I’m currently someone who has a life-threatening lung disease but has found complete joy and peace after YEARS of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. And the truth is, you can find joy and peace and love too. Please keep reading, and I pray my story of hope will encourage you. I’m terrified to post this on the internet, but if it helps one person, it’s worth it.

This is my story.

In 2014, I was in eighth grade. Like most Junior Highers, I had low self-esteem which leads to depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. This is around the time I created my tumblr. Staying up on tumblr until 3 am, I talked to strangers about my deepest darkest fears. How I felt bullied on my cheer team for not feeling skinny enough or good enough at the stunts. How my mother had become an alcoholic and now I was the adult in the household. My dad worked out of town, and I was stuck dealing with it. Being called a bitch by my mother. Walking out in the morning to see a half drunk wine glass and knowing she got wasted last night, not caring how much it hurt me. To see someone I used to respect turn to a completely different person. I still believe my mother has a bipolar personality issue but she still refuses professional help. Basically, Junior High is when everything changed and an innocent, Jesus-loving 6th grader turned into someone I look back to and see a monster. I’m scared of who I became. I was friends with people who were also lost, suicidal, and obsessed with fictional characters.

When high school started, I thought everything would be better. I’d make new friends, and things would just be perfect; high school is supposed to be the best 4 years of your life, right? Boy, was I wrong.

Yes, I started making new friends but I still had my insecurities. New people had come into my class who were prettier than me, smarter than me, and better artists. My self-esteem weakened even more, and I clung to tumblr as a “happy place.” I reached a 2,000 follower goal, was winning awards, starting my own networks, and I felt “cool” here, as a faceless blogger who could spill my problems to strangers who assured me “everything would be okay.”

Yet something happened my Freshmen year that caused me to lose my faith in humanity even more. The Tuesday after Thanksgiving break, I remember both my parents coming into my room, my mom crying and my dad looking like he was about to. I had just sat down on the floor with my backpack, pulling out my science book for homework. But I stopped in my tracks thinking, “What did I do? What did I do that would make my mom cry? Did they find my tumblr?”

It was much worse. My mom sat on my bed and said, “Molly’s been murdered.”

Molly was my nineteen-year-old cousin who lived in LA (Los Angeles) and had started with weed then graduated to cocaine and meth. My aunt tried everything. Expensive rehab in Missouri multiple times, but nothing worked. She ran away from home and started living on friends’ couches, only caring about the next high. This is someone I grew up with, who I watched choose the wrong path. That path of drugs led to her being shot in the head without motive. She was in a garage of about 12 people, sitting on a couch and chilling and someone she knew pulled out a 9mm and shot her in the head. He proceeded to put her in a trunk of a car and leave her there, the day before Thanksgiving (I believe. I might have the dates wrong. This whole period of my life is a blur). The cops only found her body because someone called in an abandoned car notice. The detectives showed up at my aunts house at 2 am that Tuesday and gave the news.

A week before I had spent Thanksgiving with my aunt and uncle and my uncle had sent a message to Molly on Thanksgiving day on Facebook, saying how much we loved her and wanted her to come home.

She was already dead when he sent the message.

We expected something to happen to her, maybe an OD. But never this. My cousin’s murder broke a piece of my heart that will always stay broken. I’ll never understand why people could murder someone. (The investigation has been finished and they determined it was a homicide.) I could barely make it through a school day after that without crying. I lost what little faith in God I had left. (I go to a Christian school, grew up in the church, and was expected to be the angel child.) But after Molly’s murder, I changed.

My cussing problem got worse, and cutting myself. I have stretch marks on my thighs, so I would cut there so no one would notice the scars. And to this day, no one has.

I struggled with my emotions over the next couple months of Freshmen year, even writing an essay about Molly for one of my English assignments. In her memory, I want to tell you people to never do drugs whether they’re legal or not. Weed is a gateway drug to crystal meth and cocaine, and then getting shot in the head and thrown into the back of a car. It ruins your body and your life. My cousin grew up in a Catholic church but lost her way trying to fit in at high school and finding “friends” who gave her drugs to be “cool”. Drugs are not cool, and lead to destruction and pain and digging a hole that’s really hard to climb out of.

But I started to move on and accept what had happened. I still miss her, and wish I could talk with her one last time.

A few months later, good news came in January. 

A little background info: I was born with heart issues and had my first surgery at 4 days old and open heart surgery at 3. I have huge surgery scars, but other than that you would’ve thought I was a normal kid growing up... except I could never play sports. I love love love love soccer, but my cardiologist never let me play competitively. However, when Freshmen spring soccer sign ups came around I was brave enough to ask, “Can I play?”

After a thorough check-up, he said yes.

I was OVERJOYED. This was something I never believed would happen and I was so excited to buy cleats and shin guards and get on the field and be an awesome defender.

Until my first practice.

I realized I couldn’t run. Not even one lap around the track. To this day, I’ve never run a mile. This amazing girl on my team named Emily (sweetest girl I’ve ever met) came up beside me and tried to help me learn to run. But I couldn’t breathe. I was out of breath almost instantly. I blamed my heart issues but as soccer season went on, I realized it was more than that.

I got a little playing time but I was mainly a bench warmer. I didn’t really mind. I loved the practices and pushing my body, even if I couldn’t do as much as everyone else. Some of the older girls bullied me in a way that they would scream at me whenever I did something wrong. And though I don’t use this word often, there was this one Senior who was a bitch. Even at our good Christian school. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bad-mouthing my school. It is filled with Jesus-loving people who inspire me every day, but this one chick... she needed some Jesus. A lot of the time after practices I would hold in my emotions then start crying in the car as soon as my mom picked me up. I wanted to prove to everyone I WAS strong and good at sports and it wasn’t my fault I could breathe.

Easter break we ended up going back to the cardiologists to talk about my issues in soccer. And so, he performed an echocardiogram, (which is similar to the sonogram they do for pregnancies, but for your heart) which is normal. But then he came back and did it again and again and again. About the fourth time, my mom and I looked at each other and said, “Something’s wrong.”

That day I was diagnosed with pulmonary arterial hypertension.

My life will never be the same.

In short, pulmonary arterial hypertension (PaH) is a lung disease with high pressure in the arteries around your heart. Normally when you exercise your arteries expand to let the blood flow easier from the heart and lungs. Mine don’t expand and the pressures grow on the right side of the heart which could lead to heart failure. It feels like asthma but it was way more serious. I was just fifteen, and being told I was going to die before 30.

My emotional state was shattered. I went to specialists in San Francisco and they started medication that made me feel like sh*t. I got headaches so bad I couldn’t move, and I was nauseous for hours at night but was never able to throw up. There were a lot of nights I slept on the bathroom floor. And I usually kept my issues to myself, bottling my emotions about my disease. Did I mention I started said medications a week before my first high school finals? Somehow I persevered and got all A’s on my finals. But through all this, I got angrier at God. I relied on friends, tumblr and fanfiction and TV shows for happiness. And they failed me.

I got more and more depressed, thinking and wondering how could anyone love a faliure like me? A loser who couldn’t even breathe right. I had always been a good student but with the medications Sophomore year was a nightmare. Everything was being taken away from me: my health, my body, my mind. And I couldn’t help crying out, “God, why me?”

Right before Sophomore year, I was faced with starting a new medication. One form of it was administered in a pump similar to a diabetic pump, except you keep it on 24/7. Showering would be a pain, and I couldn’t go swimming. I refused to try it. I didn’t care how bad my disease was. I was terrified of having something attached to me.

The second option was these trial pills. I would take them three times a day, 7, 3, and 10:30. So, in August 2016, I started these meds. 

The side effects were horrible and torturous.

I was constantly nauseous and flushed, and could barely make it through a school day. I don’t even remember much of Sophomore year. I think my brain blocks it out. My anxiety got worse and worse and I begged my parents for a dog, a friend to help with the stress. 

Like I said, I don’t remember much of Sophomore year, except for some happy parts like going to country concerts and being a cheer captain. I had an amazing “squad” of friends who stuck by me no matter what and still surprise me with Starbucks on my doorstep on bad days. 

Six months passed, and we headed back to the San Francisco specialists to find out if my medications were working and if all the pain and misery and torture of the last couple months was worth it.

I had a heart cath, (which is where they put a camera through an artery in your thigh and send it to the heart to read the pressures in your lungs), and awaited the news.

Things had gotten worse.

The medication wasn’t working.

For a third time in a year, I was shattered. Would things ever get better for me? To top it off, this meant I needed to start the pump medication.

I remember asking my dad to take a friend and I to go swimming at a nearby lake. My friend actually has no idea, but that was the last time I’ve gone swimming or worn a bikini up to this day.

July 2017 I said goodbye to the life I’d known, and was admitted to the hospital for a week to be transferred to the pump. When they place the site (where the medicine is administered through a little tiny needle thing) it’s extremely painful. With my pump, you don’t change the site every 3 days like a diabetic pump. You change it when the site goes bad and you put a new one in, which gets super painful and swollen before it gets better. When I say painful, I mean I almost needed morphine once.

People always say “It’s God’s plan,” and “things will get better.” I wanted to punch those people in the face. Because I had been waiting for things to get better for a long time, and things always got worse.

Plus, for the shower I need to take them quick and cover up my site with plastic, gauze and waterproof tape. I can’t go swimming or take a bath. During the day, I usually hide my pump in my bra or jean pocket.

Even so, before Junior year I had full on panic attacks about people knowing about my pump. I found ways to completely hide it but I was still so terrified of people finding out and judging me. I don’t know what they would do, but I was so scared of being different. Not fitting in. I had to be careful about what I wore, to make sure I could hide it completely. And only a few select people knew what was really going on. Even so, I think only one person really knew about how bad my depression was getting.

Some fun things did happen last August though. My dream of going to London was granted by Make-A-Wish! As an avid Sherlock and Harry Potter fan, I was ecstatic. I spent 10 days in the most beautiful city I’ve ever seen with my mom, dad, and my aunt. I think I took over 3,000 photos on the trip. It was one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever been blessed to have. A limo came and picked me up at my house and we arrived at the airport to fly “across the pond” and into a dream. Make-A-Wish is such an incredible organization because they do dream trips and wishes, and while I was in London, I didn’t feel “sick.” I actually felt fantastic, walking 20,000 steps a day, way ahead of my parents. I went on Sherlock and Harry Potter tours, and I might make a separate post about this trip if people ask. But basically, it was seriously a dream come true.

When I got home, I actually ended up adopting a border collie named Blaze, who has become my best friend. I’m still training him to be my service dog and an emotional support animal for others. He is an absolute sweetheart. He’s helped my anxiety by an enormous amount. 

Regardless, I still had my fears of starting Junior Year.

The dreaded day came and I started going back to school. It was better than I thought, and I was ahead in my classes. I was brave enough to take two APs and an Honors class. I was taking my math online, and everything was going surprisingly well. No one knew about the pump.

Then I had my first site change. 

I missed a week of school and got terribly behind. A week doesn’t seem like much, but it really took a toll. I got really discouraged, as my depression was still suffocating me. I didn’t do things with friends and stayed holed up. Walking my dog in the fall mornings was my favorite thing. Blaze is still one of the centers of my life and is my little sunshine.

But I started failing AP tests, and I wanted to drop the hard classes. Suicidal thoughts crept into my mind, ripping what little happiness I had away. I was scared. Not of suicide itself, but of the fact I was so close to doing it. I was scared of myself. How much I’d lost control of my body and mind. But I was scared to leave Blaze behind. That was one of the few things that kept me holding on.

One day my AP Chem teacher pulled me aside and asked what’s wrong. I told him I was tired and the usual excuses. He was one of the few teachers who knew what was going on though, medically. He asked if I had prayed about it. I said God and I weren’t really on talking terms.

And it’s true. Through all the trials I’d gone through I started to hate God. I always saw hypocrisy in Christians I knew, and didn’t really know what a real relationship with God looked like, I just knew I didn’t want one.

It was the last week of Septemeber when I really broke. I had to leave early because I was feeling sick, again, and signed out to go home. But I was so done with feeling like sh*t and not being able to make it through a school day. On the drive home I lost it.

I was crying and was a complete mess. The whole drive home the only thing I could think of was driving my car off the road and into a tree and hoping it killed me. 

Somehow, I made it home that day. And the next, and the next. I was just surviving at this point, not living. I was hopeless. I didn’t believe this medication would work because it didn’t last time. I tried to focus on school and redeem my grades, practically the last thing I had control of.

A few of my teachers also kept me from going off the deep end. I had failed two AP US History (APUSH) tests and my teacher pulled me aside and said, “You’re a better student than that.” He erased the tests and gave me a second chance. I started working my ass off in that class, and now I average 95 on his tests. But without that second chance, I would’ve quit and never proved to myself I could do it.

Said Chemistry teacher was also someone who kept me from not committing suicide. He’s a very inspiring person and an absolute science genius who had gone through a life and death experience like I was going through then and now. He ended up finding God through that experience and is still alive today, teaching and preaching to my AP class. He had written a book for his kids when they grew up because he thought he was going to die.  His book talks about God in a C.S. Lewis sort of story. He gave me a copy and told me to read it.

So right after my mental breakdown of driving home and almost attempting suicide, I started reading.

Please know I was scared of death on a day to day basis. When you have a terminal condition, your mind is constantly set on “deep mode”, experiencing the kind of thoughts people usually think of at 3 am, but all the time. Becuase I knew I was going to die, but I thought I was going to hell because there’s no way I deserved heaven. But I started reading this book and well...

For a fantasy book, it talks about death a lot. (Like I said, my teacher/friend wrote this when he thought he was going to die.)

“...it’s our consciousness - our ability to know we are alive - that sets us apart from the rest of creation -- a creation largely blind to its own existence... Unfortunately, however, because we have the ability to think and experience life, we are also capable of anticipating our deaths - an uncomfortable conundrum to say the least.”

This is one example of how the book addresses death, and for a suicidal person, it’s a lot to swallow. But that’s not the part that caught me. 

October 4th 2017, my life was changed.

Now, I know the Bible. I’ve grown up in the same Christian school for 12 years. But I’d never truly learned to put 100% faith and trust in the Creator of the Universe.

But there were a lot of things pointing me in that direction. Nudging me back into the safety of God’s arms. But Chapter 16 of my friend’s book was the final straw.

It reads...

“What I mean is that because we can think, we all know we’re going to die, and this fact in itself robs us of much of the joy and peace we would otherwise have if our fate had been kept from us. ... There is another option, however. ... We can choose to make the most difficult choice anyone can make. ... We can choose to trust the Creator.”

The night I read that, I got on my knees. I opened a very dusty Bible and found Jesus. I remember calling out and crying “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry” over and over. I was someone who didn’t deserve a second chance after what I’ve done. I can’t magnify in words how far away I was from Christianity and how much I never thought I’d love God again.

But that night, I felt his unwavering, unfailing forgiveness. I asked for peace, and I was given peace for the first time. Complete and utter peace. It’s different than relief. It’s knowing that everything is in God’s hands and nothing I do can change his love. My anxiety and panic have left. I was redeemed through grace and blood poured out on the cross. Jesus had planted the tree that would become the cross. His love was stronger than my broken heart.

GOD TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME SO HE COULD RESTORE MY SOUL FROM THE INSIDE OUT. I HAD NOTHING LEFT WHEN LOVE CAME DOWN AND RESCUED ME.

Since that day, I’ve woken up on my knees, thanking him for my pulmonary hypertension. God grabbed my stubborn self by the shoulders and shoved me to my knees. And I praise Him for that. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts since, and have barely looked back. My life has been completely turned around.

He’s shown me needs in my community and through His provision they’ve been fulfilled.

Some things that I’ve accomplished since coming back to God:

I was Junior Princess. (Something I never thought I’d win.)

I organized a clothes drive for victims of the Santa Rosa fire in Sonoma County. (They still need prayers!)

I’ve raised money for different needs in my community, with bake sales and BBQs. 

I hiked Diamond Head in Oahu, Hawaii on Christmas Day 2017. Correction: I practically ran up it. Take that, PH.  

I learned how to play the ukelele, and play it whenever I need a smile and want to praise my Savior with worship songs.

I’ve made new friends who encourage me in my walk with God, not take me away from Him.

And in January, I got some amazing news.

You know my pump medication? The one I thought wouldn’t work? I had a heart cath January 27th and they’ve never seen this medication work as well as it is for me. Another miracle I don’t deserve and will always praise God for. And I’m supposed to live way past thirty. And, my doctors think I’ll be able to do sports next year. :)

Basically, I want this story to inspire you to never, never, NEVER give up. What I’ve accomplished is through Jesus, not myself. I would be nothing without Him.

There’s been really hard days, and there will still be some for the rest of my life. But if I can save just one person by sharing my story of going from suicidal to joyful, everything I have suffered through will become worth it.

I’m planning to go to college, with God guiding me. Maybe starting a church or buying a house where I go to open up as a safe, Christian place for those who need it. I want to publish a devotional book before I graduate from high school. And God had blessed me with more years on this earth than I ever thought I would have. I wake up every day on my knees because I never expected another day. I never deserved another day, yet Jesus loves me enough to give me a life full of love and hope. I’ve dedicated my life to Him through complete trust, and every second seems more beautiful. To sprint as fast as I can, feeling like my lungs are on fire and praising God because I should never have been able to run or breathe. To watch the sunset bleed across an endless horizon to the sound of rustling palm trees and waves lapping the shore.

To believe that you’re going to die, then you don’t.

This world is not perfect, but it is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. And somehow, thinking I was going to die made it so much sweeter. I can sit at a stoplight, feel warm sunlight on my face through the windshield and be overwhelmed with inexpressible joy. My whole face breaks out with a smile, and the guy parked next to me probably thinks I’m insane. Some people look at the earth and say, “there's nothing good here, look at all this pain.”

Open your eyes. ♥

If you’ll allow me, I want to end with a verse.

“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God had been poured in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” Romans 5:1-5

I will be keeping my tumblr up for a little while if you want to talk to me. I also really recommend this devotional about finding your way back to God. I love you all, and a special thank you to those on this website who were there for me when no one else was. If you reblog this, it would bless me so much. Thank you.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,

Kris

[brie-haus]

DNA

I, like many people I know on this same health and wellness journey, have always struggled with weight. I heard the terms ‘big-boned’ and ‘slow metabolism’ thrown around a lot inside and around my family when I was growing up. Starting around puberty I started having to fight like hell to keep from being bigger. At my lowest point I resorted to horrible habits that lead down the dark path of disordered eating that so many can relate to. That journey alone could, and probably one day when I am ready, will be its own blog post. From the time I was old enough to realize that some people can dispense nearly anything, in any quantity into their body and still maintain a slim physique and others of us have to painstakingly watch every calorie we consume, I began to resent my genetic coding.

              Surely that was the problem, right? If some people could eat the same things that I did and didn’t need to work out as hard as I did, or even at all to stay smaller than me, surely my metabolism must be the issue. I realized there was no way to remedy this, it was just the way I was made. I had never really noticed during my childhood that both of my parents and also the overwhelming majority of my family was overweight. Until my mother’s battle with fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis began, a little extra weight had never stopped them from doing anything. My mom used to zoom around our little three bedroom in Winston-Salem keeping a damn near immaculate house (it would have been immaculate if not for me and my brother). My father taught my brother and I how to play basketball, baseball, volleyball, tennis, even badminton from a young age and even served as coach on a few of our teams over the years.

              But here I was, standing in front of this seemingly insurmountable issue: my body was not built equal to others. I want to be clear, it is not that being overweight (eventually even being labeled as ‘morbidly obese’) was my only issue. I began having headaches and migraines when I was just ten years old. When I was eighteen I was diagnosed with acute recurring pancreatitis. My freshman year of high school I realized that my adapting body was now allergic and intolerant to a number of things that I had never had issue with prior. I was in high school when I was told I (already) was showing signs of arthritis in my ankles and knees. These issues are all treatable and I have found ways to cope with every single one of them; they pale in comparison to what millions of people face daily, but I want you to know what I was feeling internally when my initial efforts to lose weight were failing.

              At this point, I was probably 25 or 26. I wasn’t happy with my body shape after I had graduated from college. Like many students, I ate poorly in school and didn’t make exercise the priority that I should have. I overloaded my schedule to ensure I could graduate a full year early and in the process took on an unrealistic amount of stress. I had then, after graduating, thrown myself head first into the work force. Working shortly as a bank teller on my feet all day until I started what is now my career at a lab company. My weight had shot up well above 225 by this point and after injuring myself, I had to sideline myself from the little exercise I had been doing – running with my dog. It certainly seems dramatic now, but at the time I felt thoroughly defeated. Like my body just would not cooperate. I let myself sink deeper and deeper into a depression. My psychiatrist prescribed me medication after medication, each one packing on more pounds. I once took an antipsychotic drug that packed over sixty pounds on me in a little over a month’s time. I knew something needed to change but I couldn’t muster the will to do anything.

              Fast forward to February 2019. I was sitting around one evening looking at some pictures my husband and I had printed from our trip to Bermuda the previous year. He had long since settled in and started playing games on his Xbox for the night but I couldn’t stop studying them. I was so big, the biggest I had ever been. That summer I had been prompted to join Weight Watchers. My starting weight at the beginning of this journey was just over 287 lbs. It startles me even now as I look at the computer screen and see that number staring back. I was a shell of the athlete I had once been. Weight Watchers had not done much, if anything for me. I was flirting with disordered eating again as a result of the plan and had settled back into using exercise as punishment for overeating or not eating the right things before I had decided to quit for my sanity. But February 28, 2019 as I sat there looking at those photos, something inside me clicked into place. I decided that I needed to start exercising again. In a healthy way. In a structured way. On a schedule that I could incorporate into my schedule and stick to. Above all, I needed to be able to hold myself accountable. Or I would fail. I had done it over and over again, failure always the endgame.

              So that Thursday evening, I got up and searched for an overnight bag small enough to serve as a gym bag. I packed all the essentials I would need to get ready in various sized plastic baggies and tucked them all into my makeshift gym bag along with a towel, work outfit and accessories, earbuds, straight iron, and hair dryer. I set my alarms. I sat out a water bottle for the morning. I laid out the closest thing I had to workout clothes, some black yoga pants, a tshirt, and a sports bra. Sat them on top of my socks and shoes. Something amazing happened the next morning that shocked even me: I got up and actually went to the gym. I don’t even remember how long I did each thing or what all I did, only that I went and gave it my all. And then I kept going and kept going.

              That first morning at the gym I posted to my story on Instagram about my workout. It was my way of keeping myself accountable. I knew I had to put myself out there and risk everyone knowing if I failed to keep myself determined and accountable. Those accountability posts evolved over time and now include pics of my Fitbit showing my workout stats, a sweaty selfie (always now!), and the screens from machines I’ve used showing distance, or various pieces of equipment I’ve used during a workout. Over time I eventually decided to repurpose an old Instagram account specifically for my fitness journey to help inspire others who are trying to find the motivation to do amazing things in their own lives, or need an accountability buddy.

              Everything was going pretty well until one night last summer my mom called me and told me they were taking dad to the emergency room for chest pain. They were sure it was just horrible indigestion but Byron and I felt differently. Our worst fears were confirmed when he required a second dose of nitroglycerin. They transferred him after some testing to a bigger area hospital and he was admitted. They scheduled a scan to determine damage, blockages, etc. Then everything was moved up. I left work and Byron did too. They determined that my dad had a total of five blockages and would require a quadruple bypass. In between meetings with the medical staff, trying to keep my dad’s spirits up, and calming my mother’s nerves I looked up as much about the procedures, long term effects, required hospitalization, etc until I couldn’t read anymore. The day came for his surgery with what felt like turbo speed. A kind staff volunteer led me back to the prep room where my dad was being prepped for surgery and meeting his various team members. I told my dad how much I loved him, what he meant to us and kissed him before stepping out into the hallway, rounding the corner and collapsing. I cried harder in those five minutes than I have ever cried in my entire life. And my husband can tell you, I am a crier. I hoped my dad would make it through the surgery, but we had no certainty. And if he did make it, I was almost certain things would never be the same.

              I did all the things you are supposed to do when a relative discovers they have heart disease: told my PCP, got blood work done, had a visit with a cardiologist, underwent the ECG and stress tests to determine I am not at risk right now. I was so frustrated when I made the first of those appointments, thinking selfishly to myself how my genetics were just the gift that keeps on giving. I know it seems callous but that was my honest thought coming through all of this. If we weren’t at risk, none of this would have happened.

              I’ll fast forward again here, my dad recovered fine and entered the cardiac rehab program via the hospital. The Cardiac Rehab program was an immense blessing to our family. Many of the family’s questions regarding the new normal and expectations during recovery were answered. It taught my parents healthier alternatives for meals and what my dad should be eating to keep his risks for a repeat event as low as possible. Additionally, the rehab program helped him build his strength back up by slowing introducing a cardio routine. Even though by this point I had been working on regularly for the better part of the year, I still learned quite a few things from my dad’s rehab instruction. He is still not 100% but he is well on his way, with new habits in hand to boot.

              During my dad’s cardiac rehab program, I gave him one of my old Fitbit watches that I was no longer using. We synced up and started challenging one another to weekly step challenges. On days that I barely felt like getting up and going to work, let alone working out, I found my dad’s journey especially inspirational in helping me get out of bed and exercise anyway. If he could have his chest opened up, his ribs broken and sewn back together and his heart literally stopped for a short while and he could recover and show my ass up on a challenge, I needed to up my game. I needed to dig deeper. And I have always been up for a good challenge.

              One morning I was at Planet Fitness on the treadmill, when a song by Kendrick Lamar came on my playlist. I had heard it what seems like 1,000 times before and it had always been a ‘get your blood flowing’ kind of song, like most of his stuff is for me. But this particular morning, it really struck a chord with me. “DNA” talks about how one is built, whether you have ambition, whether you hustle hard. I knew in that moment, taking in every single second of this rap song with new eyes, that your DNA isn’t about your metabolism, or your hair color, or your susceptibility to allergies or headaches. Your DNA is about what is instilled in you. Whether you have grit. Whether you get back up every time you get knocked down or you stay down and make excuses. My dad, my hero, my first role model, has shown me not just in our coaching years but in his fire to get back up and show life what he’s got is what DNA is all about. That fire that burns deeply within me is in large part due to him. I am so thankful that he is still here and for this kick-ass DNA that he has given me.

[finnsjourney-blog]

I almost forgot…

Over the last month I have been blissfully ignorant and almost forgot that my dear Finn has such a dramatic heart condition. Other than giving him his medications three times a day, life is pretty standard. We’ve been enjoying maternity leave with snuggles, errands, nursing and the occasional trashy daytime TV show. From the outside, it doesn’t appear as though anything is wrong with our beautiful boy. It makes it too easy to forget that he’s sick. That his heart is working harder than it should. That it is so big that it could be a serious issue if he catches a cold, has a fever or just gets too upset. Today I was reminded of all of that.

We had a follow up appointment with The Children’s Hospital Heart Clinic. Our cardiologist, Dr. Vezmar, wants us to come in every month for an EKG and echo to monitor Finn’s heart. We are watching it in hopes that it gets better, but also to make sure it doesn’t get worse. Because we still don’t know what caused this, we can’t really treat him and so we shouldn’t expect anything to change. Dr. Vezmar admits that he doesn’t expect to see any improvements in Finn’s condition until, at the very earliest, 6 months. But, it’s important to continue to monitor to make sure it isn’t going the other way and getting worse. Even if we don’t see changes at 6 months it could still get better, or worse. Basically it comes down to the fact that we don’t know and likely won’t for some time and that time is not set. A hard pill to swallow for a planner and fixer like myself.

I always know in the back of my head that my son has a heart condition. When I say I almost forgot, it’s not that I don’t know or that I am actually forgetting but rather it seems to slip into the back of my head. I forget how “extreme” his condition is. Today we were reminded when it came up on screen during his echo as “EXTREME Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy” and when Dr. Vezmar started talking about how rare it is to see this much of an enlargement in someone his age. What it comes down to is that babies aren’t born with this big of a heart. It’s extremely rare. All of the reasons that they think it could happen have been ruled out - so what does that mean? I wanted to be clear on best and worst case scenarios, even though we have significant time before we know which road we are headed down. Best case is still that Finn’s heart begins to heal itself (I’ll take this one please!) Worst case would be a heart transplant. Yes, a heart transplant. What? I couldn’t believe that was something we touched on today. We won’t know any time soon which is more likely or whether we fall somewhere in the middle, but it’s still a possibility that is swirling around in my brain. As much as I don’t want to think about it, it’s hard to mute that conversation inside my head.

In the meantime we were encouraged to get ourselves checked. Asher, Jeff and I should all get echocardiograms just to see if there is anything out of the ordinary. It very well still could be genetic and it doesn’t hurt to find out if any of us have enlarged hearts. I plan to have all of us looked at just to rule it out or possibly help diagnose Finn. We are also doing a deeper pathology on the Carnitine Deficiency. I talked to our genetic counselor today and we are waiting for our insurance company to give the green light to test Finn’s blood samples for more of an understanding of whether his CD is primary or secondary. From what I understand, CD can cause HCM but HCM can also cause CD. So, which is causing which? We don’t know. I was retested a week and a half ago and although I still have a deficiency, it seems to be not as dramatic as it was when I initially took the test. The genetics department is going to follow up on whether I should get on supplements and if we should have Asher tested.

Maternity leave is more than halfway over. It’s scary to think about putting my fragile child into school where he will be exposed to sickness and I will have to trust someone else to give him his medications or make sure that he isn’t getting too upset and his heart rate and respirations are staying low and under control. After our appointment I couldn’t stop thinking about all of that. I called the heart clinic and followed up with Dr. Vezmar. Is it even safe for him to go to the Montessori school? Should we be thinking about getting a nanny? I was assured that we can’t keep our son living in a bubble and that he can go to school, however we will have to be vigilant with keeping him clean and monitoring sickness. Easier said than done as any family with a child in daycare can tell you.

Today is tough. I haven’t had a day like today in a while. Yesterday I got upset at the thought that my leave was going to be over soon. I was selfish in the fact that I may not have 3 months to snuggle a new baby ever again. I cried, but I cried for me. I was questioning whether I want to stay home or go back to work. Today was different. I cried for Finn. I am scared for him and the real world. What if he doesn’t get better. How do you keep your baby safe when you aren’t there? I think all parents worry about this when sending their babes off to school, but it is so much more serious this time. The unknowns are killing me. 

Hopefully tomorrow I will go back to being blissful and able to “forget” that he is sick. We will take a walk, go to baby yoga, hit up Target and take a long afternoon nap. Tomorrow we will pretend that we are normal again. 

March 7, 2017

[guacameowle]

Hi Lynn! :) Do you have any modern!au for the Lords of SLBP?

I had multiple requests for this in my inbox. It’s not terribly long & a lot of it turned into crack headcanons... oops.

Nobunaga – He’s a businessman, CEO of his own company. He enjoys all aspects of acquisitions & mergers. Wears Versace suits like a second skin all the time. He has a reputation of being a playboy & appears in magazines every month with a new partner on his arm. His Aston Martin Vanquish is just as silver as his tongue. “Your words can’t hurt me; these shades are Gucci.” His best friend is a goody two-shoes doctor who accompanies him to every gala – they’ve become a dynamic duo of sorts. Complains about the weird smelling tea his friend always makes him try. Has always wanted a pet dog.

Mitsuhide – Medical Cardiologist & though he recognizes/understands the anatomical/chemical workings of the heart he also believes it’s entirely possibly to die of a broken heart from love (he’s a romantic). Has made it his life’s mission to save lives and keep hearts beating in hopes they’ll find their pair – but puts in too many hours at work that he can’t seem to maintain his own relationships. Travels the world for various medical conferences and has a habit of buying exotic teas to bring back with him – his collection is astounding. Drives a low emission vehicle in hopes it’ll somehow balance out the ridiculous cars his best friend buys.

Yukimura – College student + star athlete. He’s highly skilled in martial arts & is training to compete on an Olympic level. He gets around on a red & black Suzuki motorcycle with gold rims. Once got a citation in the mail claiming he almost ran someone over with his bike. Comes from family money but is very modest about it, though he splurged on his bike when he was accepted to college on a sports scholarship. His favorite places on-campus to eat are the ones that serve food buffet style because he tends to really pack it in. He secretly feeds several of the cats that roam around where he lives & has given them all names.

Saizo – Private investigator by day, author by night. He uses a pseudonym to write combo suspense/thriller/romance novels loosely based on some of the cases he’s handled. When he catches someone actively cheating on their spouse & goes to take a picture for proof he says, “Be a good dear & smile for the camera!”- he finds the shocked expressions really round out the pictures. Owns a ridiculous amount of hair gel. Doesn’t like having guests over at his place but can’t seem to keep the annoying college kid who lives down the hall out of his apartment – he doesn’t really mind the company though, the kid’s got charm.

Masamune – Incredibly shy college student working on his degree in Animal Sciences & Biology. Hopes to one-day work as a wildlife conservationist. His college mentor is Kojuro; he often finds himself using Kojuro’s office to study instead of using the library – it’s quieter in there & nobody bothers him (plus one time he saw some guy get smacked upside the head for sneezing in the library & decided he wasn’t about that life). Was once almost run down by some annoying jock on a flashy motorcycle. Has a crush on the cute girl that works at the animal shelter he volunteers at but can’t bring himself to talk to her. Lives with his cousin who’s essentially his polar opposite.

Kojuro – Literature college professor & published poet. Has a high regard for the written word. Refuses to write any of his works on a computer & insists they all be written on paper by hand. As a result, his desk is scattered with fragments of phrases & lines on scraps of papers or post-its. For Christmas he got a small journal that fit in his pocket from his mentee so he could start to keep his ideas on him at all times & in one place.  His handwriting is absolutely atrocious & nobody can read it. Starts off every lecture with an insightful quote for his students to ponder. Isn’t a morning person – just stay away. His office has random bamboo shoots & water fountains to make noises like a babbling brook.

Hideyoshi – Graduate student of Psychology. Spends most of his time in the library – everyone thinks he’s reading & studying, but he’s really people watching & making notes for his dissertation. He has a whole section written about the analysis of some kid smacking someone for sneezing. Doesn’t have the best fashion sense, but goes for comfort more than style – wears TOMs with everything. Quick to offer unsolicited advice but nobody calls him out for it because of his easy & gentle smile. Always gets a banana pudding with his lunch. His ringtone is “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” by Jet.

Inuchiyo – College student studying Criminal Justice. Part of a fraternity – he’s a legacy. His parent’s home is next door to his childhood crush but hasn’t worked up the courage to tell her he’s in love with her & just sends death glares to anyone she’s ever dated. Once got smacked in the library for sneezing into a book on accident. Took his job as hall monitor as a kid way too seriously. Once saw some kid almost get mowed down with a motorcycle – reported the license plate & description to the campus police. Works part time at the on-campus gym as a personal trainer.

Ieyasu – In his final year of studying Pharmacology. Took courses over the summer & winter breaks to speed up his education. Works at the college campus pharmacy between classes & on weekends. Wears crocs. Acts like a total brown nose to the famous cardiologist he used to shadow prior to medical school to maintain that connection for future endeavors. Wants to create pharmaceuticals that he considers to be natural/herbal. Always smells like vanilla and sugar cookies. Rumor once spread around campus that he killed a man. Has his highlights touched up every other month.

Mitsunari – College student that refuses to tell anyone what his major is (but it’s actually Library Sciences), not because he’s trying to be mysterious, but because he doesn’t want anyone he knows loitering around the buildings he’s primarily in for his classes. Once smacked a guy across the head with his palm for sneezing into a book. Prefers taking public transit or walking to get to where he has to go. Always dresses formal casual & owns a ridiculous amount of sweaters. Volunteers to help run the children’s reading program every month.

Kenshin – He’s a curator at a museum. He has numerous degrees in Art History & enjoys restoration/preservation of the works he comes across. Often talks to the statues throughout the museum as if he expects some sort of reply from them. Is sometimes mistaken for a woman but doesn’t mind. Twirls his hair when he gets nervous. Lives above a flower boutique downtown & enjoys watering their garden in his free time. Owns numerous bottles of Gendarme 20. His landlord hates that the apartment always seems cluttered & in chaos anytime he comes by to pick up the rent. 

Shingen – Has a made career for himself as a “Men’s Life Coach.” Teaches men of varying ages how to dress, handle themselves, converse, & gain confidence. Did a stint a few years back as an exotic dancer (stripped while dressed as a sexy cowboy, saddle on stage) & he kinda misses it. Works out more often than he sleeps. Once hit on a woman he met at a museum who turned out to be a guy but still asked him out on a date anyway. Lives in a lavish studio apartment with modern contemporary furniture. Once caught some peeping tom taking his picture through the window (he lives on the 10th floor?) yelling for him to smile – so he did.

Shigezane – Goes to the University of The Undecided & has decided to major in Life. He’s charismatic & charms everyone he meets which somehow led to him becoming a male escort (is very popular with older ladies), though he rarely provides adult services unless he, “feels a spark, ya know?” (or they’re really hot). Once went to pick up his cousin from the animal shelter he volunteers at & flirted with a cute girl there when suddenly a dog started chasing him – he could have sworn he saw his cousin give the dog a treat & a pat on the head later. Has a tendency to pay for the groceries, but lets his cousin do all the cooking & steals from his plate. Watches The Bachelor/Bachelorette religiously. Calls his cousin’s satchel a “murse.”

[phawareglobal]

Nicole Reid - phaware® interview 246

Nicole Reid, RN discusses her pulmonary hypertension diagnosis, its impact on her nursing career and the importance of clinical trials.

My name is Nicole Reid, and I have pulmonary hypertension.

I was diagnosed in December 2015. For at least four years prior to that, I had been having a lot of vague symptoms. Things like dizziness and exercise intolerance, and I gained a lot of weight. I kept seeing doctors. I see ENT, I saw cardiology, I saw my regular doctor, all kinds of doctors, and they kept telling me, "You have asthma. You're just a little overweight. You need to work out more, and you're just getting older. I mean, after all, you are 36, so you could expect to have a little change." Then in October 2015, I turned 40 and I got married, and two weeks after my wedding, I could not walk up a flight of stairs without stopping, I was so short of breath. I was short of breath sitting on the couch.

So, I made an appointment with a cardiologist, the one who diagnosed me with asthma, and she came into the room after I had my EKG done and said, "If you weren't sitting here in front of me, I would have thought you were dying of a heart attack. Let's look at pericarditis as a possible diagnosis." So, in order to do that, in order to treat that, you have to go get an echocardiogram. So, she sent me for an echo. She called me that day at work and said, "You have pulmonary hypertension, and it's pretty severe."

Actually, I'm a nurse, and so I had heard of it before, and I was terrified. I'd heard of it and thought it was pretty much just a death sentence, and there was going to be no hope for me. My life was over, and I was devastated. Everything I had worked for, everything that I treasured and loved was being ripped away from me.

I went in for the cardiac catheterization the day after the echo. My pressures were very high. They diagnosed me and sent me to a specialty center at National Institute of Health to join a clinical trial, and also to join a registry there. They're absolutely necessary for any advancement in this field of pulmonary hypertension improvement, cures, or treatments. I think that people get scared about going into a clinical trial, thinking, "Oh, I'm being experimented on," and that you don't have any choices in the matter, but that's not really true. You can always choose to be in a clinical trial or to choose to stop it if anything makes you uncomfortable about it. They explain everything to you before you get started. Without people joining clinical trials, we wouldn't have the medications that we have today to improve our quality of life.

I think I'm really, really privileged being a nurse, because I understand the language that the doctors are using. I speak this language myself, and so I understood what they were telling me when they were talking about things like the medication classes and how they worked, and whether or not we should try something like an intravenous line instead of oral drugs. I also understood the meaning of actually taking better care of myself.

Before the diagnosis, I was working a lot of night shifts and all kinds of shifts, and not eating properly, not resting, no exercise because I didn't feel good, and I really was sort of heading downhill that way. I know it sounds weird, but in a way, the diagnosis was a blessing because it made me realize how short life is in that I really need to take really good care of myself in order to live my best life.

So, I started pulmonary rehab. I take my medicines. I'm very strict about a low-salt diet, and I actually get a decent amount of sleep every night. I'm not working myself to death anymore, and I have a really good quality of life. And I'm looking forward all the new things on the horizon.

So, if I had to give some advice to someone being newly diagnosed, I would say, listen to your doctors and do the hard things. You may not feel like getting up and going to pulmonary rehab every day, but it will help you and you need to push through it. Take your medications even though the side effects are terrible. They will get better, or if you talk to your doctor about it, they can help you manage those side effects better. Take good care of yourself, and don't give up. There's a whole new world out there, and research is coming along every day. You want to stay in your best possible condition so that you can take advantage of that research when it comes through for you.

My name is Nicole Reid, and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Never miss an episode with the phaware® podcast app. Follow us @phaware on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube & Linkedin Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware #ClinicalTrials @antidote_me 

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

[sherristockman]

CoQ10 — The No. 1 Supplement Recommended by Cardiologists Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola According to the industry publication New Hope,1 coenzyme Q10 (CoQ10) and the reduced version, ubiquinol, are among the most popular supplements for mitochondrial health. Between 2000 and 2016, the number of Americans using CoQ10 increased from 2 million to 24 million, and the number of brands featuring CoQ10 has increased from 18 brands to 125. This rapid growth suggests people are becoming increasingly familiar with the importance of mitochondrial health, which is great news. Even better, a recent poll2,3 reveals CoQ10 is now also the No. 1 supplement recommended by cardiologists for all patients. For years, I’ve warned that anyone taking a statin drug to lower their cholesterol really must take a CoQ10 supplement — or better yet, ubiquinol, which is the active, reduced form — to protect their health, especially their heart health. In the past, few doctors, including cardiologists, would warn their patients of the fact that statins deplete your body of CoQ10 (and other important nutrients, including vitamin D). It appears this may now be slowly changing. Your body also produces less ubiquinol with advancing age, which is why supplementation is recommended even if you’re not on a statin drug. Why CoQ10 Is so Important for Optimal Health Ubiquinol — the reduced, electron-rich form of CoQ10 that your body produces naturally — plays an important role in the electron transport chain of your mitochondria, where it facilitates the conversion of energy substrates and oxygen into the biological energy (adenosine triphosphate or ATP) needed by your cells for life, repair and regeneration. It’s a fat-soluble antioxidant, meaning it works in the fat portions of your body, such as your cell membranes, where it mops up potentially harmful byproducts of metabolism known as reactive oxygen species. Taking this supplement helps protect your mitochondrial membranes from oxidative damage, and this in turn has been shown to be helpful for a number of health conditions and chronic diseases. This is to be expected, since many conditions, including heart disease and migraines — for which CoQ10 has been found beneficial — appear to be rooted in mitochondrial dysfunction. CoQ10 is used by every cell in your body, but especially your heart cells. Cardiac muscle cells have up to 200 times more mitochondria and hence 200 times higher CoQ10 requirements than skeletal muscle. Low CoQ10 levels have also been detected in people with certain types of cancer,4 including lung, breast and pancreatic cancer, as well as melanoma metastasis, further strengthening the metabolic theory of cancer. The word “coenzyme” also provides a clue to its importance; it works synergistically with other enzymes to digest food, for example. It also has the ability to increase your body’s absorption of important nutrients. More specifically, it helps recycle vitamins C and E, thereby maximizing their beneficial effects. The video above is a rerun of my interview with Robert Barry, Ph.D., a prominent CoQ10 researcher, in which he discusses the many reasons for taking CoQ10. CoQ10 Plays an Important Role in Heart Health Research shows CoQ10 is particularly important for heart- and cardiovascular conditions, including congestive heart failure5 and high blood pressure.6 Research also suggests CoQ10 can aid recovery after bypass and heart valve surgeries.7 I personally think all heart failure patients should be on ubiquinol. To me, not doing this is medical negligence. When it comes to heart health, a more general benefit is that ubiquinol also acts as an antioxidant in your blood, where it prevents the oxidation of LDL cholesterol, thereby helping prevent atherosclerosis. A 2015 study8,9,10 found that older individuals who took a combination of CoQ10 and selenium daily for four years suffered fewer heart attacks, required fewer days in the hospital and had lower all-cause mortality. They also reported higher quality of life, compared to controls who received a placebo. Remarkably, over the course of a decade — even though they’d stopped taking the supplements after four years — heart disease related deaths were nearly 50 percent lower in the original treatment group, and all-cause mortality was still 18 percent lower than controls. While CoQ10 is known to protect heart health all on its own, selenium aids your body in producing and accumulating CoQ10 by serving as a "booster." Ubiquinol/CoQ10 also helps quell inflammation. Ubiquinol has been shown to have a positive effect on two inflammation markers, NT-proBNP and gamma-glutamyl transferase (GGT), the latter of which is an early marker for heart failure. Levels of these markers are reduced and the genes linked with them are downregulated with ubiquinol supplementation. This can lower your risk not only for heart problems but also any number of other conditions associated with chronic inflammation. CoQ10 Helps Prevent Statin-Induced Diabetes By depleting your body of CoQ10, statin drugs not only increase your risk for heart problems, they also significantly increase your risk of diabetes.11 Rosuvastatin (Crestor), for example, is associated with a 27 percent increased risk of Type 2 diabetes.12 According to one 2011 meta-analysis,13 the higher your statin dose, the greater your risk of drug-induced diabetes. The “number needed to harm” for intensive-dose statin therapy was 498 for new-onset diabetes — that’s the number of people who need to take the drug in order for one person to develop diabetes. In even simpler terms, 1 in 498 people who are on a high-dose statin regimen will develop diabetes. As a side note, the “number needed to treat” per year for intensive-dose statins was 155 for cardiovascular events. This means 155 people have to take the drug in order to prevent a single person from having a cardiovascular event. Supplementing with ubiquinol or CoQ10 can help reduce this risk by improving mitochondrial function and hence insulin signaling. As noted in Life Extension Magazine:14 “By design, statins interfere with the production of new cholesterol molecules by blocking an enzyme called HMG-CoA reductase. But in the process, they also block a precursor of CoQ10, interfering with its natural production and resulting in lower CoQ10 blood levels. Making matters worse, lowering LDL cholesterol impairs CoQ10 transport into cells. The combination of these effects has been shown to directly reduce blood levels of CoQ10 by as much as 54 percent. Diabetic patients already have lower-than-normal CoQ10 levels. That’s because their body uses up much of its CoQ10 stores in an effort to combat diabetes-induced oxidative stress. When diabetics are prescribed statin drugs … the further depletion of CoQ10 can be especially harmful.” Other Health Benefits of CoQ10 Research reveals ubiquinol and CoQ10 is helpful for an array of different conditions and diseases, including but not limited to:15,16 Traumatic brain injury. Recent animal research suggests ubiquinol has neuroprotective benefits that can improve your chances of recovery in case of a traumatic brain injury. The study in question explored the effects of ubiquinol on cerebral gene expression when administered prior to traumatic brain injury. Rats were given either saline or ubiquinol 30 minutes before a traumatic brain injury was induced. Those given ubiquinol fared better than the control group — an effect ascribed to ubiquinol’s ability to positively affect genes involved in bioenergetics and free radical production. Parkinson's disease. High doses of CoQ10 may be beneficial in the early stages. Statin-induced myopathy. Evidence shows CoQ10 lowers your risk of developing pain and muscle weakness associated with statin use. Migraines. CoQ10 has been shown to ease headaches, including migraines, tension, cluster, menstrual and Lyme-related headaches. Physical performance. CoQ10 is also popular with athletes. Since it’s involved in energy production, it may improve your physical performance. It may also be helpful for those with muscular dystrophy for the same reason. Infertility. CoQ10 supplementation may also improve fertility in men and women. High levels of CoQ10 are found in semen, and has been directly correlated with sperm count and motility. Research also shows that a higher CoQ10 concentration in sperm cells helps protect sperm membranes from free radical damage.17 Women who want to conceive need to be mindful of their mitochondrial health. As noted in one study,18 “impaired mitochondrial performance created by suboptimal CoQ10 availability can drive age-associated oocyte deficits causing infertility.” CoQ10 Combats Negative Effects of Many Drugs CoQ10 supplementation also becomes important if you’re taking certain kinds of drugs, of which statins is but one. If you take any of the following medications you may benefit from a CoQ10 or ubiquinol supplement, as it can help combat the negative effects associated with these drugs: Acid blockers Allergy medicines Antacids Anti-arrhythmic drugs Antibiotics Antidepressants Blood thinners Blood pressure drugs ACE inhibitors Angiotensin II receptor antagonists Beta-blockers Diuretics Cholesterol reducers (including fibrates) Diabetes medications Psychiatric drugs CoQ10 Versus Ubiquinol As mentioned, ubiquinol is the reduced version of CoQ10 (aka ubiquinone). They’re actually the same molecule, but when CoQ10 is reduced it takes on two electrons, which turns it into ubiquinol. In your body, this conversion occurs thousands of times every second inside your mitochondria. The flipping back and forth between these two molecular forms is part of the process that transforms food into energy. Ubiquinol production ramps up from early childhood until your mid- to late 20s. By the time you hit 30, it begins to decline. Young people are able to use CoQ10 supplements quite well, but older people do better with ubiquinol as it’s more readily absorbed. People with a genetic single nucleotide polymorphism (SNP) called NQO1 lack the enzyme required to convert CoQ10 to ubiquinol in their bodies, and they definitely need to use ubiquinol or they won’t get any of the benefits. Research has shown that Hispanic and Chinese populations are especially prone to having this SNP.19,20,21 There are also genetic tests you can get that can identify whether you have it. For all of these reasons, I typically recommend using ubiquinol, especially if you’re over 40. How to Regenerate CoQ10 Naturally Interestingly, recent research shows you can improve your body’s conversion of CoQ10 to ubiquinol by eating lots of green leafy vegetables, which are loaded with chlorophyll, in combination with sun exposure. Once chlorophyll is consumed it gets transported into your blood. Then, when you expose significant amounts of skin to sunshine, that chlorophyll absorbs the solar radiation, facilitating the conversion of CoQ10 to ubiquinol. You can also improve absorption of CoQ10 from food or supplements by taking it with a small amount of healthy fat such as some olive oil, coconut oil or avocado. To optimize your body’s production of CoQ10, also be sure to eat plenty of: Fatty fish low in contaminants, such as wild-caught Alaskan salmon, sardines, anchovies and herring Grass fed beef and organic pastured poultry Organic, grass fed or pastured organ meats Sesame seeds Broccoli Suggested Dosing Recommendations Dosing requirements will vary depending on your individual situation and needs. As a general rule, the sicker you are, the more you need. That said, studies typically cap the dose at 600 mg per day for severely ill people. If you're just starting out with ubiquinol, start with 200 to 300 mg per day. Within three weeks your plasma levels will typically plateau to its optimum level. In one study, concentrations of ubiquinol increased nonlinearly with dosage over the course of a month, plateauing around levels of 2.6 grams per milliliter (g/mL) at a dosage of 90 mg/day; 3.7 g/mL for a dose of 150 mg/day and 6.5 g/mL for a dose of 300 mg/day, about midway through the month.22 After the first month, you can go down to a 100 mg/day maintenance dose. This is typically sufficient for healthy people. If you have an active lifestyle, exercise a lot, or are under a lot of stress, you may want to increase your dose to 200 to 300 mg/day. Remember, if you're on a statin drug you need at least 100 to 200 mg of ubiquinol or CoQ10 per day, or more. To address heart failure and/or other significant heart problems you may need around 350 mg per day or more. I personally take 300 mg of ubiquinol every day. Ideally, you’ll want to work with your physician to ascertain your ideal dose. Your doctor can do a blood test to measure your CoQ10 levels, which would tell you whether your dose is high enough to keep you within a healthy range. CoQ10 (or ubiquinol) is also appropriate for those with other chronic diseases besides heart problems, such as diabetes, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, chronic fatigue, migraines and autism, for example. Ideally, you'll want to split the dose up to two or three times a day rather than taking it all at once, as this will result in higher blood levels. Other dosing guidelines, as presented by Dr. Stephen Sinatra (a board certified cardiologist, and a prominent expert in the field of natural cardiology) include: Hypertension: 200 mg/day World class athletes who need extra ATP turnover: 300 to 600 mg/day Heart transplant or severe congestive heart failure: 300 to 600 mg/day in divided doses Arrhythmia: 200 mg/day Typical athlete: 100 to 300 mg/day Mitral valve prolapse: a combination of 400 mg magnesium and 100 to 200 mg of ubiquinol per day

[thousand1000words]

New Numbers. Just an update on the close of the day, Wednesday, June 21.

Not gonna lie: the last day or so has been challenging. Medically and physically, all are on a treatment program and progressing, and settling into a routine. In fact, physically, both Mom and Dad are doing better, growing in strength. I’d describe Dad’s progress as exponentially better. He’s stronger and has more energy.

Emotionally and spiritually, however, a new reality is sinking in, and that pill is proving hard to swallow.

I mentioned yesterday about Dad’s elevated BP. The medication he was prescribed worked to reduce his BP, however, today it’s been elevated, and appears not to work as effectively. I’m struck, though, that as he has been feeling better and gaining strength, there has been a correlating trajectory around his anxiety and stress: the more he worries about his BP [and ALL that he is not doing and ALL that he has no control over], the more it seems to go up, regardless of medication. The more it goes up, the more overwhelmed he becomes by the possibilities of the future. That’s my bias, I suppose, that the future is filled with possibility, and in his mind, I suspect he is only seeing unknown.

He spent most of the day reclined in the chair, insisting that he “wasn’t doing too well.” And was “felling shaky.” I reminded him this is his new medication, and a side effect we can expect, and that it doesn’t mean he’s going to die right now. I encouraged him to write these notes in his journal I made so we can reference at the cardiologist, and we can get clarification.

Dad’s brother Marty and his wife LuAnn called mid-morning, which was a welcome distraction. They were able to lament about growing old and swapped stories of procedures and tests and anxiety. Or I should say, Marty just shared. Thanks, Marty, for taking the time. Dad didn’t say much on the phone, but he was not aware of the challenges his ‘little brother' had overcome, and I think he felt better after getting off the phone that his life was, in fact, not coming to an end any time soon, and there is life after these ‘getting old episodes.'

I headed to Sandy this afternoon to take the car to the Ford dealership for its regular service so got a bit of a break. Ran a few errands assigned by Mom, and then stopped at the Eagle Creek Saloon. Bullet Bourbon on the rocks, and watching ‘Garage Squad’ -- a show about hoarders of car parts who rebuild cars. [It’s what’s on at the Saloon.]

“Those guys,” said the man sitting next to me, “can rebuild a car faster than I can find a screwdriver.”

I, dressed in last year’s Old Navy shorts and T-Shirt said, “Silly you, just look in the refrigerator next to the WD-40.”

That didn’t go over too well, and I’m certain it was Mom’s ladybug key ring attached to all of her discount membership cards sitting on the bar in front of me. I paid my $5.75 in cash (yes, it was that cheap), and hit the road.

When I arrived home, I found both Mom and Dad in approximately the same prone position that I had left them. I was a bit concerned about the lack of activity, particularly in Dad. He sat there explaining he just wasn’t ‘doing good.’ It was the same downward spiral of doom of nothingness I’d been hearing for the past 24 hours.

“Well then,” I said, “you better help me get the mail.”

Dad leaped out of his chair with as much unsteady wooziness as he could muster. As we made our way to the door, mom revealed that while she was lying there, the doorbell rang and there were a bunch of men looking around.

“What?!?!” I fanned myself in the early summer heat.

“It was a red truck.” She said.

“Do you think it was a landscaper?” I’ve contacted no less than seven landscapers, to no success. Too far out in the middle of nowhere. Route is too full. All excuses. I couldn’t imagine why men in a red truck would be ringing the doorbell. How could they know I’m here?

“Do you think they installed the emergency sign?” she asked, referencing the emergency address sign I had ordered with the fire department on Tuesday.

“Four to six weeks is what they said. We ordered that sign yesterday.” I was confident she was on crack cocaine and we would find a Lands End sweater on the front porch.

Dad and I walked to the mailbox, and he is less winded. We talked about the landscaping, and what needs to be done. I clarified the difference between “trim up” on the rhododendrons and “trim up” on the grass. I asked him if he was planning on supervising the work.

There was a hesitation. And a hemming. And a hawing.

“Well you have to supervise this,” I said. “You have more years experience and know more what you’re doing than any landscape crew that’s going to show up.”

“Oh, I don’t know.” He paused, scanning the lawn. “I suppose.”

“Listen, you know more than anyone we’re going to hire. It’s time for you to sit back and not do the work but to TEACH those who do it HOW to do it the right way. To share your knowledge.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that, but I suppose you might be right.”

We had reached the end of the driveway, and there, low and behold was a new emergency address sign.

Dad seemed, for a moment, slightly impressed. “You don’t think everyone else on the street is going to want one of those now, do you?”

“I don’t know. But if they want them, Estacada Fire and Rescue provides them.”

“You don’t think they got it here so quickly because you might have said something, do you?”

“I don’t know. I might have said I was a Certified Fire and Police Commissioner. But, you know, I don’t think that would mean much here. I mean, what I do is outlined by Illinois State Law. I can’t imagine it’s the same here in Oregon. But, what can I say? I hang with dudes.”

I might have mentioned that when I showed up at the fire station the day before that I asked about their address, and who responds, and how quickly, and where the call comes into, and how it is dispatched, and how quickly trucks roll, and are they staffed 24-7. And that I did, in fact, say that I was a Certified Fire and Police Commissioner in the State of Illinois, outside Chicago, and when they heard that, they invited me into the station to look at their trucks and their engines, and their other equipment. Maybe I said something. Maybe they were bored. I don’t know. Situation resolved.

Throughout the evening, my Dad and I talked more about landscape, and the plan moving forward. He had listed what he wanted done, and I captured it, drawing a map of Llama Rama Vista, and indicating all the locations of his desired projects. That expanded into what needed to happen, and Dad was able to talk about the value of the wire used in the electric fence, and how that’s still good wire, and how someone might like it. And suddenly, the conversation opened up to possibilities, and options, and empowerment, and ultimately, a focus on what really matters: not much, so let’s move on.

His BP was significantly lower after dinner. I suggested that he take his new medications and we wait 30 minutes to see what happens. He did, and his BP was great.

While I’m happy about all of that, I’m concerned that we have proven he is in control of his own BP, and tomorrow, with the appointment with the cardiologist, I’ve got my list of questions.

I just hope the doctor's metaphysical self is ready.