#i really do always worry if Im being to weird or interacting to much cuz I don't want to make you uncomfy | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

red-doll-face · 4 years

Note

Here is a request for slashers if they're open. My brain does a thing where I am affectionate w a person but if I get nudged away (even if it's just to readjust the position), it goes "oh no. They don't want u to touch them. Do not touch ever again or they will get mad at u. U disgust them." Even tho touch is my love language & it hurts, I just won't touch. If confronted, I will get confused & panicky cuz "u didn't want me to touch? Im respecting ur wishes? Did I miss something?" Its a mess.

Requests are indeed open, I’m sorry I take foreverrr to do these but i hope u enjoy! I don’t know what to call this tho. For simplicity’s sake I’m calling this nervous reader lmao, idk what else to call these.

Slashers x gn nervous Reader

Jason Voorhees:

Jason can very much relate to the feeling. When he first meets you, he’s sure that you’re frightened. He restrains from being too close to avoid coming off as overbearing, doesn't want to touch you because if you flinch he’ll be so hurt. He just assumes he disgusts you. Based on the reaction all of his other victims have when they see him, he’s sure you’ll probably be the same.

Once Jason is sure that you don't feel that way, he’s a cuddle monster. He wants to be close all of the time, holding hands, letting you sit in his lap, you name it. He’s so starved and quickly decides that touch is his love language too. He’s not even sure how he’s lived this long without it.

The only time I can see Jason maybe gently sort of setting you down elsewhere and walking off is when he senses strangers on the property of what once was Crystal Lake. He’s out the door before he can even see your hurt expression, Which is worse because this might lead you to jump to conclusions.

If you distance yourself from Jason, he immediately is thrown off. He can’t directly ask you if he’s done something wrong and when he tries to initiate affection with you and you don’t reciprocate whole heartedly, he’s at a loss.

He’ll get on one knee while you sulk on the couch and give you a silent plea to tell him what's wrong. You can panic and try and avoid it but he is certain there's something going on and he wants so badly to know what he’s done to put you off. You tell him and he immediately is shaking his head no, he could never be mad at you, never be disgusted with you. You’re the most breathtaking person he’s ever had the pleasure of holding, the first, most likely.

Jason nods because he understands how you feel. In the future, he’s persistent about how you feel when he untangles himself from you, making sure you’re ok.

Michael Myers:

In the later stages of your relationship, Michael is insatiable when it comes to being in contact with you. For a long time, towards the start of your relationship, he didn’t like it. It felt weird. All of the touch he's experienced prior was so clinical and sterile that he doesn’t quite know how good touch is supposed to feel. He’s so touch starved that he’s almost positive he doesn't even need it.

Slowly, he builds a tolerance for it, much like one does with alcohol, constantly checking his boundaries and letting him control the situation and he’s all for movie night, huddled up on the couch, or waking up with his head on your chest. His own personal pillow.

There are, however, moments when his need to make someone tremble with fear and then blodgeon them to death with a can opener from their own kitchen becomes too strong, so he tries to keep away from you. In the past, he might have used you to satisfy similar desires of a sexual nature and may have really hurt you but he knows that it’s not always enjoyable to you.

Then, you stop touching him. Much like Jason, he starts to think you’ve become sick of him. Sick of his coldness, his muteness, his withdrawn demeanor. Maybe you’ve moved on and he tries to tell himself he doesn’t care but he doesn't think he can see himself touching anyone but you now.

It gets to the point where he comes home one day and you look heavily troubled, expressions he’s seen on your face before, only in the event that something terrible has happened. You ask to speak to him and he obliges.

You explain that you don’t think this relationship is working, that you’re pretty sure he’s disgusted with you and how difficult this event is because you didn't even want to talk about it but it's been hurting you for too long.

His response is to stand up very slowly, pick you up and lay down with you over him, simply laying there. Hopefully, knowing you’re the one person he would ever allow to participate in this intimacy is enough to show you that you mean more than you think you do to him.

RZ Michael Myers:

This Michael is more perceptive to your touch than his counterpart, your touch sends little shivers down his spine and as soon as he gets pretty used to it, he’s eager for more. This also takes some time but significantly less. He’s enamored with the idea of returning to a somewhat normal life. Your affection grounds him in that fantasy as much as being a murderer might take him out of it.

As he establishes a relationship with you, he may even be the one to start touching you instead of the other way around. He’s read books and always wondered what it might feel like to have someone genuinely touch him without fear in their eyes. Without malice.

An unsuccessful ‘day at work’ might have Michael feeling a little het up though. He can be moody and more rageful. Neither you nor his hobbies can calm him. He seems colder than usual in these states and can come off as very standoffish.

So when you try and touch him and he shrugs your hand off his shoulder, he can’t or isn't in the state of mind to address your frown and worried look. Michael, instead stomps off somewhere to be alone for a while; maybe take his anger out on something else. Some unsuspecting soul or maybe even a poor animal in the wrong place at the wrong time.

After he’s calmed down some, he returns and almost forgot about that sad little gleam in your eye before he left. Michael remembers when he sees you blankly staring at the TV, pointedly avoiding his gaze even as you utter a weak welcome home. It’s not very welcoming. He sits stiffly beside you, watching you from the corner of his eye. You’re closed off from him and he doesn't like it at all.

Migrating towards you slowly, he eases you into a familiar hug, his big bear hugs that are a little tight but inviting all the same. His huge torso and long arms seem to swallow you in his warmth. You hardly reciprocate. You look a little surprised. Though he never addresses it verbally, (which is probably better for you) Michael offers a single glance that communicates everything he needs to say. Don't ever think that again.

Thomas B. Hewitt:

Thomas’ self esteem issues and self image are not good. He honestly doesn’t like to imagine what he looks like to other people unless it can be as a threatening man you don’t fuck with. Meeting you, he realizes that it’s good to protect his family but he’d rather you not see him as someone only capable of harm. Tries his best to get the point across that while Hoyt may be adamant that horrible things happen to you, he’s not going to let them.

Thomas has received affection but always a familial affection. A pat on the back from Monty, proud claps to his shoulders from uncle Charlie, and hugs and kisses from his dear Mother. Nothing so foreign as a strangers touch over his arm or a soft embrace.

Unfortunately, Thomas can get reactive when you attempt to touch him without his mask on. He’s absolutely settled on the false reality that you’ll see his face and immediately decide that you never want to touch him again. Interacting with you with his bare face? That's a no for Thomas.

He puts on his mask that covers the scarred skin over his face and you look dejected. He was preparing for you to pressure him but instead finds himself trying to find out why you won’t touch him now. It’s not his face, is it? You respond with your reasoning. Thomas is so confused. How could you think that you disgust him? That he doesn’t want you to touch him?

He’s quicker than the others and immediately sweeps you up into his arms and holds you as close as humanly possible. Feeling disgusting and like some sort of burden is a feeling he’s so familiar with and if he can take it away from you, he will.

Will aggressively initiate touch with you for the next week or so just to solidify the fact that he cares about you and won't reject you just as you didn’t reject him.

Bubba Sawyer:

Bubba is a great cuddle buddy and partner. Hugs are his favorite and he hugs his brother all the time, lifting both Nubbins and Chop Top into the air for some brotherly love. If you’re smaller than them he’s all about picking you up and perhaps a little rough housing with you. He’s careful though or at least there are attempts made to be careful

Bubba, though he could easily spend the whole day doing nothing and everything with you, has work. Chores, butchering. Cooking, and tending livestock. Plenty to do at the sawyer house and he does most of it. Suffice to say there are times when you want to lather attention all over him yet he has to go back to work.

So caught up in work that he doesn't get what's going on til way later, when you’ve had time to stew in your emotions, firmly telling yourself that Bubba is annoyed by you probably. He’s baffled and confused at your silence, your crossed arms. The little furrow in your brow. He can already tell there’s something upsetting you.

Honestly, Bubba is so affectionate I can’t see him being the kind of person even capable of alluding to the fact he might be disgusted by you. How, if all he wants to do is love you? You may bring it up as a joke that you thought he didn’t like you and he almost seems offended. Not like you?

Bubba can squash any feelings you may have about that and then some. He will not let you drown in insecurities, not on his watch. This man will do everything in his power to make you feel beautiful because you really are.

I’m sorry these are super long but thanks for requesting!

#slasher x reader #michael myers #michael myers x reader #halloween #rz halloween movie #rz michael myers #rz michael myers x reader #jason voorhees #jason voorhees x reader #friday the 13th #thomas brown hewitt x reader #thomas brown hewitt #thomas hewitt #bubba sawyer x reader #bubba sawyer #leatherface x reader #texas chainsaw massacre #slashers

569 notes · View notes

2dmenenthusiast · 4 years

Text

Grounded - Levi Ackerman x Reader

I had this whole thing typed out but it all got deleted cuz im an idiot so all I’ll say is that writing for Levi is hella difficicult, I hate the ending, and I hope you all enjoy. also yes there is a line from TWD in here but it fit so perfectly and it was too good to pass up okay? and I gave Hange they/them pronouns btw

(also one of my favorite fanfic writers @phen0l followed me and uhh I just wanna say that I’m honored?? They write amazing Levi fics and fics for other fandoms, so make sure to go check them out)

Summary: The Scouts are getting ready for the 57th expedition outside the walls, and you can’t help but let Levi know how worried you feel about the possible outcome of the mission

Word count: 6.8k

Warnings/other info: swearing, angst, death, spoilers for AOT season 1, reader has possible anxiety, reader is kept gender nuetral

No matter how many times you face them, no matter how many times you find yourself suspended in mid-air right over their gaping mouths, ready to swallow you whole, you will always have nightmares about that one fateful day in Shiganshina. The day the Colossal Titan kicked in Wall Maria and let his friends feast on the people in your district. Your friends, family, all destined to be one thing at that moment. Titan fodder. You still wonder how you made it out sometimes. How through all the commotion, a titan didn’t target you and scoop you into its mouth, effectively sealing your fate just like everyone around you. You chalked it up to luck at first before telling yourself that was bullshit. Luck didn’t have anything to do with it. Shit just happens, and there’s nothing you can do about it besides roll with the punches and try your best to survive.

The sight of your sister and father being eaten by those beasts was permanently engraved behind your eyelids, seeing flashes of their thrashing, screaming bodies whenever you close your eyes to go to sleep. In those moments, you always wondered why you survived rather than them. Your sister… she was the sweetest little thing, lighting up a room whenever she smiled and constantly greeting you at the door with a hug whenever you came back from shopping in town. You swore her laugh was all you needed to take you right out of a bad mood, reminding you that things weren’t so bad if you had someone so full of joy in your life. And your father, while he was stubborn, he made sure to take care of his family the best he could, and you were forever grateful for that. He raised you to be strong and rely on yourself because in the end, the only person you truly had on your side was you.

No one really knew about your past. Well, besides your superiors who needed to know, but other than them, your fellow cadets knew the bare minimum about your private life. Although, when they found out you were from Shiganshina, they all just automatically assumed you suffered a great loss of some kind, whether it be your family or your home. In your case, it was both. Of course, you were close with some of the other soldiers. Eld and Petra were people you considered to be good friends with, along with the rest of your captain’s squad. Though, that didn’t stop you from wanting to deck Oluo in the face whenever he got too cocky, throwing his arm around your shoulders during lunch before immediately removing it when you would elbow him in the ribs.

“Jeez, Oluo. You think you’d learn by now. What is this, the fifth, sixth time?” Petra asked, pushing a stray hand of hair behind her ear.

“Seventh,” you chimed as you brought a spoonful of soup up to your mouth.

“Aw, you’ve been keeping count. That must mean you actually like me.”

You raised an eyebrow as you looked over at him, placing the spoon back in your bowl before licking the remaining soup off of your lips. “You know this food is still steaming. Don’t make me throw it at your old ass face.”

He let out a noise of protest while the rest of the table laughed, and you snickered to yourself before shifting your gaze to meet Levi’s, his steely eyes almost piercing through you before he looked down into his cup and tuned back into the conversation his commander and squad leader Hange were having, watching as the dark liquid swirled around.

You always knew Levi to be a man of few words, but a strong sense of purpose. He wasn’t one to waste time on trivial things, always wanting to get straight to the point. He didn’t seem to be the type to waste time on feelings either, but you guessed it wasn’t any of your business. You knew he felt things. Experienced emotions and all that. You’d be stupid to think he didn’t. During training, when he’d survey your group to see how things were going, there would always be gossip when he left, your peers saying how he was cold and emotionless, but you disagreed. You had already heard the rumors of the captain being some type of underground gangster at that point, so when you really thought about it, it wasn’t unusual or weird for him to act the way he did. Something, someone, had made him that way, and that was okay. Something had affected all of you too. The world you all lived in didn’t have the time to spare you from grief or trauma.

“Cadet l/n.”

You jumped slightly at the sudden mention of your name, lifting your head to see your captain entering the mess hall with a signature cup of tea in his hand, and you gave him a lazy smile before looking back down at your own cup, the liquid having gone cold over the time you had been sitting there. Levi didn’t reprimand you for not saluting him, just silently walked over and occupied the seat across from you, looking at you with that stern gaze of his.

“You should be asleep. I won’t make training any easier for you tomorrow just because you’re tired.”

“This isn’t unusual for me, captain. Just needed something else to look at that wasn’t my bedroom wall,” you said, your voice quiet.

He slightly tilted his head as he studied you, lifting his hand to gesture around the room. “And you thought an empty mess hall would be better?”

You let out a scoff, meeting his eyes for a moment before sipping at your drink and immediately grimacing at the taste of it. “It’s better than the alternative. For now, at least.”

He didn’t respond at first, simply staring off into the distance as he let your words sink in before setting down his cup with a soft ‘clink.’ You thought that maybe if you weren’t so over everything at the moment, you wouldn’t be acting so casual with your superior, but he didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Hopefully this wouldn’t bite you in the ass later

“You’re not the first one here to experience nightmares, you know.”

“Oh, so you have this talk with all of the cadets in the middle of the night?”

“No,” he answered simply, taking another sip of his drink.

You didn’t know why, but that simple interaction had been the best one you had with another person in months. Sure, you loved the company of your friends, but talking to Levi was just so… different. Almost liberating in a way. There were things you had told him that you never told anyone else during your late-night meetings, and it got to the point where you had found yourself looking forward to talking with him. Because you knew that behind his gaze was a man that felt so much, and you knew what that was like.

“You know… I only really made it out because they were too busy eating my family.”

Levi paused at that, eyebrows slightly raised as he looked at you over his cup that was pressed to his lips. He didn’t speak at first, taking his time as he leisurely drank his tea, and you could practically feel the depth of the silence looming over the both of you like it was its own presence.

“Shit, maybe I should’ve just kept my mouth shut,” you thought, teeth digging into your bottom lip as you anxiously waited for Levi’s response.

You didn’t want him to pity you. That was never your intention. You guessed you just.... wanted someone to know what you were thinking and feeling, tired of constantly keeping it to yourself. If you got eaten by a titan one day, you’d at least want someone to know who you were. Who you really were.

“Sorry, I um…” you looked around at everything besides the man sitting in front of you, trying to find a way to fill the silence. “You probably don’t wanna hear some sob story from some cadet, I-”

“‘Some cadet?’”

Your eyes snapped over to his, mouth slightly agape before swallowing thickly. “I… Well I mean-”

“Talking like that about yourself isn’t going to change anything or make anything better. You’re not just some cadet, and I’m even willing to say that you’re not as bad as some of the shit-for-brains we have here. You came here to do the same thing everyone else is here to do. Fight for humanity. Whether your end goal is selfish or to try and relieve yourself of some guilt from the past, it doesn’t matter.” He leaned closer to you, elbows placed on the table as he pinned you with his gaze. “Every life sacrificed out there matters. So does yours, even if you don’t think it does. And it’s our job to make sure those soldiers don’t die in vain.

You didn’t know what to say. No one had ever really talked to you like this, so how could you know how to respond? Luckily, he started speaking again so that you didn’t have to.

“Your family… it’s a shame what happened to them. What you had to go through. But, their deaths will be avenged, and I will make damn sure of it.”

That night was the first time you cried in probably months. You thought Levi would think of you as some pathetic little soldier, trying to gain the sympathy of their captain, but he didn’t. He just placed a hand over yours and let you cry, and you remembered how you were sort of surprised by how warm he was. You remember that talk like it was only yesterday when in reality it was years ago. You and Levi didn’t talk as much as you used to, considering the fact that he was constantly busy with helping the titan shifter cadet, Eren Jaeger, and you had been recruited to squad leader, so you had your own people to deal with. But that didn’t mean you two never spoke. Whenever your paths crossed, you’d make sure to give him a little greeting, whether it was a simple wave or a “hello.” And occasionally, when you couldn’t sleep and you’d come down to the mess hall, he was there, a steaming cup of tea in front of him, and you’d talk for a few hours until you both agreed it was time to try and catch some sleep.

Now, the soldiers were getting ready for the 57th expedition, and you couldn’t shake off the bad feeling you got whenever you thought about it. Of course, every expedition was dangerous. More often than not, the scouts would come back from outside the walls with more than a few dead, and on bad days, their numbers would be cut in half. Eren was making progress, and you hoped he would be useful, but a part of you was still doubtful.

“I’m worried,” you stated, arms crossed over your chest as you stood next to Levi, watching the cadets train vigorously.

“You always worry.”

You glanced over at the man and huffed, seeing him completely focused on the soldiers before you lightly kicked your boot into the dirt. “I guess that’s kinda my thing, isn’t it? Can you blame me though? We’ve seen what Eren can do, but… he hardly has it under control. And this isn’t exactly a normal expedition.”

“Things will turn out the way they turn out. There’s nothing we can do except make sure things go the best way they can.”

You sighed. Levi was able to reassure you most of the time, but other times he did nothing to calm your nerves. It wasn’t his job to, though. His responses were straightforward, and if you didn’t like it then that was just something you had to deal with.

“Ever the optimist, Levi,” you said, a sarcastic lilt to your voice, and you smiled when he glanced at you before shaking his head.

“Hey! You’re not here to slack off. Pick up the pace before I make you all train through dinner.”

You were used to Levi giving out orders. Hell, he gave them to you all the time, but his commanding voice sent shivers down your spine at that moment.

“He’s a freaking tiny tyrant, I swear,” you heard one of the cadets mutter, and you couldn’t help but snicker as you turned your head away from your captain, covering your mouth to conceal your smile.

“Find something funny?”

You cleared your throat as you shook your head, turning to Levi with a grin and shrugging your shoulders. “Not at all, captain. Just have a little cough is all.”

“Mhm. Maybe I should make you run it off then.”

“Aw c’mon, Levi. Have a little laugh. We all need one once in a while, especially considering the day you’re all going to have tomorrow.”

He just let out a hum, and your smile slowly dropped as you looked out at the horizon, the sky painted in beautiful strokes of orange and pink. Yes, you were right, you all needed those small moments of joy in this fucked up world you lived in, but you weren’t stupid enough to believe that those moments could last forever. Sometimes you just had to face the reality of the situation you were all in, and you couldn’t help the feeling of dread that filled you as you thought about tomorrow.

“You’re overthinking. Stop it,” Levi said, snapping you out of your thoughts.

You shook your head and gave him a smile that felt bittersweet. “I can’t help it sometimes. I wish I could go with you.”

“We have enough force and skill in the recruits we have for the expedition. It would be a waste to put you and your squad into it and leave you hanging with no real job to do.”

“No real job? We’d be doing what everyone else would be; killing titans and keeping Eren safe! How would we not be useful? You know for a fact that my squad and I are plenty skilled and-”

“We can’t risk more sacrifices by putting you out there. We have enough people to hopefully accomplish what we need to.”

“Then why wasn’t my squad a first choice to go beyond the walls this time? We’re more capable than most of the people here and you know it. Maybe if I talk to Erwin he’ll-”

“This wasn’t just Erwin’s decision, it was mine. And your insubordination is starting to get irritating, so I suggest you take a walk.”

You looked at Levi with widened eyes, disbelief clear on your face, and you swallowed down what you actually wanted to say before letting out a deep breath.

“Levi, I-”

“Take a walk, l/n. I don’t wanna hear about it.”

You simply blinked at him a few times, clearly upset by the way he addressed you, before letting out a scoff and walking away, your jaw and fists clenched tightly. Yes, maybe you were being a bit childish, but you refused to acknowledge that when you felt so pissed at the moment.

“I mean, how can he just treat me like that?! Just completely dismiss me and not even give me a reasonable answer! He’s so… He’s just so… Ugh!”

You groaned and rested your head in your hands as you sat across from Hange, your friend looking at you with raised brows as they idly tapped their fingers against the table.

“I mean, he is your superior, y/n.”

“But that’s not the point! Like, yeah okay, I know he’s my captain and all that, but… We’ve always just been casual with each other. We’ve never seen each other as our ranks. I still respect him and follow his orders when he gives them but…” You let out a noise of frustration and slammed your fists down on the table. “That doesn’t give him the right to just pull out the superiority card whenever it benefits him!”

Hange blinked a few times before letting out a sigh, brushing a piece of stray hair out of their face as they leaned back in their chair, shrugging their shoulders. “I mean, he said it was also his decision, right? So maybe… he’s trying to keep you safe?”

Your eyes widened almost comically, feeling heat travel up the back of your neck at the mention of the possibility that Levi was concerned about your safety. “I-I… I mean he- um.”

“Oh my, are you getting flustered, y/n? Does the thought of Levi caring about you make your heart race?” Hange asked, a playful smirk on their face.

“Stop! For the love of everything, please stop,” you whined, waving your hands in front of you as you tried to ignore how embarrassed you felt.

Hange just laughed at you, continuing to poke fun until you threatened to not be a part of their crazy experiments anymore, to which they quickly backed off. You thought talking with Hange might make you feel better, but hours later when you were pacing in front of the door to Levi’s office, you still wanted to rip your hair out as you thought of what to say to him. Letting out a huff and straightening your posture, trying to gain some nerve, you raised your hand to knock on the door, only for it to suddenly open and reveal your captain, his cravat having come off and the first few buttons of his shirt undone.

“Your incessant pacing is driving me up the wall. What do you want?”

Oh, so he had heard you. You avoided eye-contact, reaching a hand up to rub at the back of your neck before clearing your throat to try and relieve some of the awkwardness you felt.

“Um… can I come in?”

You both stood there for a moment, Levi’s gaze traveling up and down your body before stepping aside to let you in, and you gave him a small, appreciative nod as you walked inside his office. The tension in your shoulders was almost painful, your whole body almost stiff as Levi walked in front of you to sit on the edge of his desk, crossing his arms over his chest. You didn’t know why you felt so nervous. It was only Levi, a man you had come to know for years. And while you didn’t know everything about him, you still considered you both to be somewhat close. So why were you feeling so weird right now?

“Uh… I wanted to talk about this afternoon,” you said, mindlessly fidgeting with your fingers.

Levi raised a curious brow, letting you linger in silence for a moment before letting out a soft hum. “Not sure it’s something worth talking about.”

Lips curving into a small frown, you mimicked his posture and crossed your arms, shifting your weight onto one foot. “Well, I think we left some things… unaddressed back there, and I wanna talk about it.”

He didn’t say anything, and you were starting to get pissed, your fuse short enough as it is. Your frustration finally hit its peak when he grabbed the cup of tea next to him and wordlessly took a sip, and you swore at that moment you wanted to take the cup and smash it against his head.

“Goddammit, would you stop drinking your stupid fucking tea and listen to me?!” you yelled, and you could see a flash of shock in his eyes at your outburst before he glared at you, setting his cup down.

“You wanna repeat that?”

“Oh, don’t get all fucking ‘Captain Levi’ on me. You know exactly what all of this is about. You didn’t even try to give me a reasonable explanation earlier, and I feel like I deserve one.”

“Do you? You think you deserve something for acting like this?”

“I’m not a child!”

“But I am your superior, which you seem to forget quite a lot.”

“That is such bullshit! Since when have you given two fucks about ranks when it comes to us? I follow your orders when I have to, not when you use your superiority when it’s most convenient for you.”

Levi clicked his tongue as he got off of his desk, rounding it to sit in his chair, and your fists were clenched so tightly it was becoming almost painful, your nails digging into your palms.

“You know, you say you’re not a child, yet you constantly act like one. Throwing a fit when you don’t get your way. Sometimes I wonder why Erwin made the decision to promote you.”

Your eyes widened as you softly gasped, questioning if you heard Levi correctly, but you know you did. There was no mistaking it. You always believed that Levi knew that you were capable, that you could protect yourself. But now he made you question if he really thought those things. Did he even respect you as a soldier? After countless nights of spilling your guts to him and him reassuring you… did he think of you as just some simple-minded cadet? You felt like your heart was in your throat and tears were threatening to spill, but you just swallowed everything down and turned your head away.

“Good luck on the expedition tomorrow,” you muttered, and you were quick to leave his office and rush back to your room, tears spilling down your cheeks.

______________

When it came time for your fellow scouts to leave for the expedition in the morning, you were a bit reluctant to watch them, knowing that you’d end up automatically spotting Levi in the crowd, and the petty side of you wanted to ignore him at all costs. However, the rational side of you remembered that it wasn’t just Levi going out there, it was other soldiers as well, most of them you knew personally, and you’d be damned if you didn’t give them a proper send-off, knowing the likelihood of some of them not making it back. So, you dragged yourself out of bed and made yourself presentable, slipping on your jacket as you stepped out of your room.

“Y/n!”

You turned at the shout of your name, seeing Hange waving excitedly at you as they jogged down the hall, slowing down to walk with you.

“So? How did it go with Captain Shorty?”

You groaned and rolled your eyes, bringing your fingers up to rub at your temples to try and cease the headache you already felt coming. “I don’t even wanna talk about it.”

“Dang, that bad, huh?” Hange grimaced.

“You have no idea. I just wanna forget about it”

Hange didn’t say anything more on the topic after that, simply talking about random things with you as you walked outside to the stables. You had a bad feeling settled in your stomach ever since you woke up, but as more time passed it just got worse.

“Hange,” you muttered, the squad leader turning towards you with raised eyebrows as they held the reins to their horse.

“Uh… Please be careful out there, okay?”

Hange looked shocked for a moment before their mouth split into a wide grin, and they quickly pulled you into a tight hug, which you immediately reciprocated.

“Aw, y/n! Don’t worry about me, I’m always careful!”

“That is such a lie, but I’ll believe you anyway,” you chuckled.

Pulling away from each other, Hange mounted their horse and joined the rest of the scouts at the gate, and you went to stand at the sidelines with the rest of your peers to watch them. Your eyes immediately caught sight of a head of familiar black hair, and you felt your heart grow heavy and your chest tighten, almost wishing he would feel your gaze and look over at you. But he didn’t and with Erwin’s war-cry, they charged through the open gate, the horses kicking up dirt and dust, and you only got a glance at their retreating figures before the gate was closed again.

______________

Every minute that ticked by felt like hours. You didn’t know how long they would be gone, the time usually spent outside the walls ranging from a few hours to a few days. You hoped it was the former, knowing that the longer they were out there, the more likely they were to get killed. You knew your comrades were skilled, having been outside the walls with them and seen their skills up close, but that didn’t stop you from worrying. Now with the Eren being a titan shifter and a traitor in your midst, anything could happen.

You almost didn’t acknowledge the shouting of your fellow soldiers that afternoon, too focused on taking care of some of the horses in the stables. But when you finally heard it, you quickly stopped what you were doing and ran to the gate. They were back. Adrenaline coursed through you as your heart pounded like a drum against your chest, and when you finally caught sight of the returning scouts, you immediately stopped in your tracks. The look on their faces was one of defeat, and you could already tell just by looking at them that not all of them made it back. When you spotted Hange, you felt some relief wash over you and you quickly made your way over to them, walking beside their horse.

“Hange, what happened? Was the mission successful?”

Hange didn’t answer, a blank look on their face, which was identical to the expressions on all of the other soldier’s faces. It was a bad day, that much you could tell, and you made brief eye-contact with Levi before looking for your friends. Only… you couldn’t see them. Turning around frantically, you spotted Eren laying in a cart and ran over, jumping in beside him as you glanced at his hand clutching Mikasa’s. He looked even worse than everyone else did. No, loss was never easy, but Eren was just a kid, and experiencing so much of it at his age must have been devastating for him, especially when he was so passionate about saving humanity.

“Eren, tell me what happened. Who… Who did we lose?” you asked.

You didn’t even know if you wanted to know the answer, seeing Eren so broken and torn up already told you that what happened out there wasn’t good, but when was it ever? The boy had tears falling down his cheeks, trying to keep his sobs quiet, and Mikasa just looked at you with narrowed eyes.

“Y/n, I don’t think right now’s a good time-”

“Please!” You gripped the cape that was laid over top of Eren, eyes focussed on the blue and white wings embroidered on the back and you sniffled as you tried to hold back the tears that were desperately trying to come out. “I… I need to know. Please, Eren…”

He stared at you with wide eyes, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed before letting out a shuddered breath. “They… We were after the female titan and she… I couldn’t save them, y/n. They died protecting me!”

Your face seemed void of any emotion as Eren’s words sunk in, piercing your heart like a million knives, and all you did was nod silently before jumping out of the cart, your mind going on autopilot as you walked. You didn’t need him to explain who he was talking about for you to already put the pieces together. Levi had told you that Eren was going to be a part of his squad so that he could keep an eye on him, and his squad was in charge of protecting him. He had become humanity’s number one asset after all. Civilians were shouting at all of you, cursing at you and hurling insults at your face. You weren’t even one of the scouts on the expedition, but that didn’t matter. As long as you wore the wings of freedom on your back, you were a bastard like the rest of them. No more, no less.

You had stumbled too close to the crowd, too preoccupied with your thoughts to even notice, until a large man gripped your shoulders and pushed you in front of the horses, your body landing harshly in the dirt as some of the people laughed at you. You heard someone shout your name, but it sounded distant to you, everyone’s drowned out underneath the roaring of your thoughts. You shifted yourself onto your hands and knees, only to look up and see Hange crouched down in front of you, a concerned expression on their face.

“Y/n, are you okay? Can you hear me?”

There was a ringing in your ears as you looked at them, trying desperately to just get a grip.

The dirt under my hands, the dryness in my mouth, the shouts of the citizens, the musty smell of the horses… Hange right in front of me.

“I’m fine. I… I’m fine.”

The single tear slipping down your cheek went unnoticed by you, but it was one of the things that let Hange know that you were lying. That you weren’t fine. Reaching out to wipe the tear away Hange shook their head.

“Y/n-”

“I’ll see you later, okay?”

Giving Hange a tight-lipped smile, you picked yourself up off the ground and made your way back to the Scout’s headquarters, feeling everyone’s eyes on your back, and you couldn’t help but wonder if Levi was watching you too.

______________

You didn’t keep track of how long you cried that day, keeping yourself locked in your room and sobbing until your body physically couldn’t produce any more tears. The last time you cried this much was when your family died, same thing could be said when you thought about the last time you felt this way. Like all hope was lost. You found yourself questioning what the point of all of this was for a moment before you quickly slapped yourself out of that thought. You knew why you had to do this, why the Survey Corps was important. But shit, all this loss? You didn’t know how much more you could take. Especially if days like today became more frequent.

Then you got to thinking about Levi and the stupid argument you had yesterday. At the time, you felt like your feelings were justified, and maybe they were, but now you felt like a complete idiot for arguing with him, especially the day before an expedition where it was one hundred percent possible that he could’ve died out there. The thought of your last interaction being some petty argument made more tears fall, and you gripped the sheets of your bed so tightly that you thought they might rip. Did he even want to speak to you now? Maybe he realized that you were just some immature little soldier and wanted nothing to do with you.

No, you couldn’t accept that. You wouldn’t. Standing from your bed, you harshly wiped at your eyes and sniffled, trying to look like you weren’t crying for hours on end - even though it was pointless, you knew Levi would be able to tell immediately - and exited your room to start making your way to Levi’s office. Your nerves were kicked into high gear, but you refused to let this man intimidate you. You were going to let him know how you felt and he was going to listen. Of course, your confidence immediately deflated when you found yourself standing in front of his door, but you swallowed down your nerves and knocked, taking a deep breath.

Levi’s muffled voice came from the other side of the door, telling you to come in, and you let out a small huff as you gripped the doorknob and let yourself in. He didn’t even look up from the paperwork in front of him when you walked in, and as the door closed behind you and you moved to stand in front of his desk with your hands held behind your back, you lightly cleared your throat to get his attention. His eyes flickered up to meet yours, and you could feel yourself shrink under his gaze. There was no doubt he saw what happened earlier today when they came back, and from the way he was examining you, you knew he could easily tell that you had been crying.

“Did you need me?” he asked, and you sharply inhaled at the sound of his voice. It felt like forever since he talked to you last, and hearing him speak made your stomach do flips.

“Uh… I don’t know, honestly. I didn’t really practice what I was going to say before I came in here.”

He raised a brow at you. “‘Practice?’”

“I mean, it’s kinda hard to talk to you. Not that that’s a bad thing, it’s just… Ah shit, I don’t know. It might just be me. I’m not the best at articulating, you know?”

He hummed and grabbed his cup as you let out a sigh, taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of his desk and leaning your elbows on your knees, bouncing your leg. Taking your bottom lip between your teeth, you wordlessly gazed at him for a moment, a made-up image of his death flashing in your mind before you shook your head and ran your hand down your face.

“Look, um… I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for yesterday. For questioning your judgment when I should’ve just dealt with it. You’re my superior and I disrespected you so… Again, I’m sorry.”

Silence fell between you for a moment before he let out a sigh, setting down his cup before leaning his chin against his propped up hand. “Don’t apologize. You were right.”

Your eyes widened. Did you hear that correctly? “Uh, I’m sorry?”

Getting up from his seat, he rounded his desk to stand in front of you, and you were even more confused. You swore he would’ve been done with you by now.

“You said you and your squad were more than capable of handling the mission. You were right. Or at least, you were right at the time. The female titan would’ve wiped us all out if she wanted to, just like she did my squad. I don’t doubt that if you went after her, you’d be dead right now too.”

You stiffened slightly at his words, fingers gripping your knees as you let out the breath you didn’t realize you had been holding in. “Oh.”

“As captain, I’m supposed to remain unbiased. My decisions should be based on the greater good of humanity and my comrades. If my judgment is wrong, then that’s something I have to live with. Making my squad protect Eren was my decision, and they died.” He let out a long breath. “When Erwin decided to not bring you on the expedition, I was opposed to it at first. I knew that you and your squad would be able to aid us greatly, but I couldn’t sway him. However, now that I think about it, I’m glad you weren’t there.”

You were at a loss for words. When Hange had joked the other day about Levi caring about you, you didn’t take it seriously. But now that you were hearing all of this… Did he care for you? Or was it just your wishful thinking that was causing you to interpret things wrong? Slowly standing up, you briefly met his gaze before walking over to the window and looking out at the night sky, the sun having gone down a while ago, and you wrapped your arms around yourself as you tried to piece together what you wanted to say to him.

“Even if you think I was right, I’m still sorry. I don’t like arguing, especially with you. And the fact that you had to go on an expedition the next day…” You swallowed thickly. “I was scared. I know you say that there’s no use regretting the decisions we’ve made, but if you died out there today and a stupid argument was the last interaction we ever had, I would’ve regretted it every day of my life.” You turned to face him, eyes glossing over. “I would’ve beat myself up when I know you’d want me to continue to be strong. But I feel like I can’t do that without you, and I feel so weak and stupid for saying that. For feeling like the only thing that gives me hope in this godforsaken world is you.”

Levi remained silent, not that you expected him to say anything, and you sniffled as you reached up to wipe at your teary eyes before sighing and giving him a sad smile.

“I’m sorry. I know you don’t wanna hear some silly confession. I’ll let you get back to your business,” you said, walking past Levi to get to the door, but you didn’t make it that far when his hand suddenly shot out and gripped your arm, causing you to turn back and look at him.

“Why do you always do that?”

Your brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“You never take yourself seriously and act like the people around you don’t either. You’re self-deprecating. You did the same thing when I found you in the mess hall years ago. Why?”

“I… I don’t know, I guess I just get nervous around you.”

“Why?”

Your mouth felt dry suddenly, and your heart was racing as Levi’s grip on your arm tightened and he pulled you closer. “Because… I want to be strong in front of you. I don’t want you to see me as someone immature and incapable, and I’m scared of embarrassing myself in front of you.”

“Did you find your confession embarrassing? Do you want me to forget about it?”

“If you want to.”

“Mm. And what if I don’t?”

You let out a shuddered breath, eyes flitting down to his lips for a moment. “Then what will you do about it?”

Neither of you moved at first, your gaze not leaving one another, and you felt like your heart was about to beat out of your chest, it was going so fast. You wondered if Levi was experiencing the same feeling. Wondered if underneath that stoic, calm expression, his blood was pumping in his ears and his pulse was going crazy. You were waiting for him to do something, anything, as he stared at you with an almost challenging look. It made anger flare up in you for some reason, and you clenched your jaw as you narrowed your eyes.

No, I won’t let this get away from me.

Reaching up, your hand grabbed at his cravat, yanking him forward into an almost desperate kiss that had your mind reeling. His brows were scrunched up, body tense, before finally relaxing, and you could feel him almost melt into you as he brought both of his hands up to hold your face, eagerly responding. Your frustration had been building up ever since your fight, and you felt like you were both letting it all out now, each kiss hungry and rushed, barely able to pull your faces away before one of you was pulling the other one in again.

“Fuck, I can’t stand you sometimes,” you breathed out between kisses, fingers weaving into Levi’s dark locks and lightly tugging, causing him to let out a soft groan against your lips.

“Stop talking.”

You don’t know when the anxiety started bubbling in your stomach or why your heart felt like it was about to jump out of your throat, all you knew was that every sensation was suddenly overwhelming. Levi’s hands, his lips, his breath against your face, it was all too much. You were suddenly pushing him away, tears quickly building up behind your eyes as you panted for breath. Whether it be from the desperateness of your kisses, or the constricting of your chest, you didn’t know. You just knew that everything was suddenly hitting you at once, and you couldn't get a grasp on how to deal with it.

“Y/n…”

Right, Levi was still here, and he looked at you with a hand slightly reached out, waiting for you to meet him halfway. You hesitated, staring at his hand like you were trying to see through it, before eventually grabbing it, and he slowly pulled you into his chest. Your arms were limp at your sides, silent tears streaming down your face as Levi held you.

“They’d be proud of you, y/n. You know that.”

You felt like you had been falling all of your life, nothing to stop you, nothing to hold onto as you plummeted through an endless abyss. But now, as you brought your hands up to grip the back of Levi’s jacket and sobbed into his shoulder, for once, you felt like your feet had finally found the ground.

#levi x reader #levi ackerman x reader #levi imagine #aot x reader #snk x reader #aot fanfiction #levi ackerman fanfiction #levi x gn!reader

194 notes · View notes

marshieee · 4 years

Text

If my fic “we just changed” was a show.

Interview with the cast!

Cast: Y/N, osamu, atsumu, suna, futakuchi, aone, and aj (me)

A/N: just wanted to make this cuz it was funny in my head lmao

Atsumu

Interviewer: so what was your favorite part?

Atsumu: of course the part where i was featured in!

Interviewer: oh! Looks like you had fun filming that?

Atsumu: ya bet! I got to punch samu in the face!

Interviewer: punch? Like fake punch right?

Atsumu: no...

Interviewer: n-no?

Atsumu: *shakes his head*

Interviewer: ....

Atsumu: ....

Atsumu: ehem anyways...*nervous laugh*

Atsumu: PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR STORY “WE JUST CHANGED” BY AUTHOR AJ AKA MARSHIEEE!! AND ALSO PLEASE DO SEND HATE TO SAMU!!! I WOULD LOVE TO READ THAT!!

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Osamu

Interviewer: so osamu who’s your favorite cast?

Osamu: of course it would be y/n and aone

Interviewer: and why is that?

Osamu: well for starters y/n is really nice and kind, she’s also very friendly so we got along very quickly.

Osamu: aone was pretty nice too, he’s kinda intimidating at first given by his height but when you get to know him, he’s actually a very nice person.

Interviewer: have you formed a friendship with the two?

Osamu: oh yes most definitely.

Interviewer: then who is the cast that you don’t get along with?

Osamu: ....that’s pretty obvious of course that shit head brother of mine atsumu.

Interviewer: o-oh

Osamu: the director said to fake a punch that dipshit literally punched me in the face!

Interviewer: i heard..

Osamu: now we have to take a break for a day since my lips were swollen

Osamu: and the director said he was kinda satisfied because we don’t have to take any takes anymore because that was perfect!

Interviewer: um please calm down.

Osamu: oh sorry, please check out our story “we just changed” by author aj aka marshieee, AND I KNOW IM A SHIT IN THE STORY BUT PLEASE DO ME JUSTICE ATSUMU LITERALLY PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE THAT ASS—

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Y/N

Interviewer: so y/n what is your opinion about the show?

Y/N: it’s overwhelming especially when we released the first part and it immediately got a lot of attention! I really didn’t expected that

Y/N: I also love the story especially the angst hahahaha.. actually I’m a sucker for angst

Interviewer: hurt to comfort?

Y/N: uh huh

Interviewer: well i most preferred comedy.

Interviewer: anyways, do you get along with everybody?

Y/N: very much! The staffs are nice, director too! I got along with the cast just fine! They were sweet and fun to be with.

Y/N: i also never expected that miss aj would be in the cast! She’s very nice, helping me with my lines and what exact emotions I should show.

Interviewer: I’m glad to hear that anything you wanna say to the people?

Y/N: Yes, thank you for the support and please keep supporting us in the next upcoming parts! And do check out “we just changed” by author aj aka marshieee!

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Interviewer: thank you for having me today

Aj: with pleasure

Interviewer: so how do you feel being a cast on your own story?

Aj: it’s actually a bit weird feeling.

Interviewer: how so?

Aj: well my character is a hoe in the story if you can tell hahahaha... but I’m not complaining since i was the one who made it.

Interviewer: i see, then may i know how do you feel about the intimate part with osamu?

Aj: oh! The part one?

Interviewer: yes

Aj: it wasn’t that intimate actually but it took us few takes since me and samu gets shy after the kiss hahahahaha...

Interviewer: will y/n get a happy ending or not?

Aj: I’m still thinking about that since i would love if y/n don’t but that’s too mean because as you can tell she didn’t do anything wrong osamu was just a big dick.

Interviewer: hmmm... anything you want to say?

Aj: right um thank you so much for the supporters of our story “we just changed” especially those devoted readers and watchers! I know who you are and i love you so so much! Please let’s be moots or something🥺❤️ and please continue supporting our story!

Interviewer: i heard you had another story that’s on going?

Aj: ah yes! Please do also check out bokuto’s story “home” give the baby love😭

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Suna

Interviewer: so suna how was your time in the film?

Suna: it was fun even though i only got a few screen time I’m pretty sure i out shined the miya twins

Interviewer: i guess you did

Interviewer: did you enjoyed when you’re on the set?

Suna: yeah especially with aj

Interviewer: oh looks like you and miss aj are close?

Suna: of course we are!, we love to tease the twins most especially atsumu hahahahah that dipshit gets provoked easily sometimes

Interviewer: i see, anyone else?

Suna: futakuchi-san, we have the same vibes

Interviewer: would you like to have a scene with Futakuchi?

Suna: oh yes with aj too! Where we tease atsumu and osamu, that would increase the ratings don’t you think?

Interviewer: that...that would...never mind, anything you want to say to the people?

Suna: thanks for the continuous support! Please ask aj do a part featuring me, futakuchi and aj being sassy because we are. Don’t worry I’ll make sure I’ll show up in the upcoming parts.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Futakuchi

Interviewer: so futakuchi how do you feel about being featured in a side story and part four?

Futakuchi: i feel special, superior to be honest i feel fabulous hahahhahahaha...

Interviewer: how about being y/n’s cousin in the story?

Futakuchi: i feel this older brother vibes you know? Well in the story i am babysitting y/n but also off set

Interviewer: oh really?

Futakuchi: yes hahahahaha.. i take care of her off sets too, she’s like my little sister you know?

Interviewer: you do have a little sister right? Maybe your brother instincts are kicking in whenever you’re around y/n

Futakuchi: probably, that is possible because she do remind me of my baby sister.

Interviewer: should we be expecting something from you in the upcoming parts?

Futakuchi: *shrugs* maybe? Who knows right?

Interviewer: it’s up to miss aj huh?

Futakuchi: yep

Interviewer: anything you would like to add?

Futakuchi: ah yes i know the others already said this but thank you for all the support! And keep supporting our “we just changed” it’ll be a blast.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Aone

Interviewer: aone hello!

Aone: hi! Thank you for having me today

Interviewer: so aone how do you feel being casted?

Aone: i never really expected that I’ll be casted actually

Interviewer: oh really?

Aone: hahaha.. yes so it was shocking at first when she said that I’m part of the story.

Interviewer: i heard she personally wanted you to be part of it since she really likes you.

(Aj in the background: TRUE)

Aone: *laughs*

Interviewer: but how about your screen time? How do you feel about it?

Aone: i think it’s good, the story is mainly focused to the two main characters so yeah..

Aone: i may not have a lot of screen time but i do know that my character had a huge role on helping y/n move on and i think that’s enough for me.

Interviewer: i am glad to hear that, anything you wish to say?

Aone: thank you so much for appreciating our story believe me we appreciate you MORE and please keep on supporting us! To our devoted readers and watchers i would just like to say i love you so so much please take care of yourself.

✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

We just changed masterlist is right here! If you want to binge read it why not? Reblogs are also appreciated❤️ accepting mutuals also! Requests are open too so feel free to request anything just read this simple rules.

My inbox are always open so don’t be shy to interact with me🥺👉👈 , and i really want to make an event but I’m afraid that no one will participate. But anyways have a good day and thank you again! I’ll do my best to keep you from starving my darlings💕

#haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu oneshot #haikyuu!!#haikyuu #fluff #funny #miya twins #atsumu #osamu #reader #author aj #Futakuchi #suna #aone #osamu x reader #osamu fic #roleplay #hq

38 notes · View notes

subtlereferencetomyinterests · 4 years

Text

I Taste Honey but I Haven’t Seen the Hive - Chapter Four

Ao3, Masterpost, C.1 C.2 C.3

Relationships: eventual queer-platonic intruality, mentioned platonic relationships

tumblr edits out my italics when i copy/paste, and its midnight on a school night, so. italics arent in the tumblr version of this chapter cuz im not manually replacing them rn :P

Warnings: Taxidermy, swearing, fights (verbally, not physically), mentions of death, sexual innuedo (thanks remus), sympathetic everyone but there is Conflict.

Word Count: 2,645

Patton had learned, in his many years of emotion-filled life, that every person interacted with others uniquely. An obvious thing to learn, maybe, but in his younger years he felt like it really wasn’t made clear enough.

When it finally hit Patton that other people didn’t feel things in just the same way he did, it came with slow disbelief. Shocked was he to learn that not only were people so vastly different inside, but that he might’ve been one of the most different of all- even with the other sides. After all, each of them had seemed to understand all their differences like it was second nature, while Patton tried to come to terms with the information.

And come to terms with it he had, throughout Thomas’ late teens to early twenties. It was just Patton’s nature to try and learn about his friends, and that didn’t change when the task got harder. If anything, he’d become furiously determined to know how to care for all his family better than anyone, even if it more than once sent him spiralling in thought.

Logan, for example, was at his best when he was around other people; calmly talking, debating, doing work in the same space, anything that amounted to time spent together. So, even when Patton didn’t know what he was going on about, he did his best to at least be someone Logan could talk at. Which must’ve have worked somehow, because Patton couldn’t even count the times anymore he’d realized it had been hours after starting a conversation with his best friend, the both of them grinning and talking and enjoying each other’s company. Color Logan understood!

Roman, an even easier case to crack, didn’t really care what kind of attention he got- as long as it was positive. Which Patton was of course happy to provide! Though Roman became easily suspicious of any signs of friendship, Patton liked to think he’d weaseled his way into being a close companion, if the amount of times Roman dragged him off on adventures was any indication. Roman, too, was a check!

Virgil had been harder to figure out; not enough support and he got nervous, too much and he’d get overwhelmed. Fine balances did not come easily to Patton, so there had been more than a little trial and error. He’d eventually landed on treating him not unlike a wild cat: to just exist in the same space and let Virgil do whatever he wanted in his own time (a method that had found resounding success!). Virgil, much as he wanted to seem mysterious, was also marked off the list of understanding.

Janus was deceptively easy to work out. He just needed someone to challenge him, all in good sport, to be friendly and frustrating at the same time. Call it environmental enrichment, but with people! Patton was more than happy to be one of those people, pushing and pulling in equal parts banter and genuine conversation. Janus, surprisingly, was clear as well.

Patton wondered if it was weird to think about it so much. He thought about all of them, and he wondered if they took time to decode him, too. Or maybe they just knew already- they saw the heart on his sleeve (or chest, as it were) and had him all figured out right then.

He liked to believe they did spend time thinking about it, though. It was nice to think he wasn’t the only one that cared enough to take the time, and he knew that they cared about him already! Even if they didn’t say it as much as he did, even if they showed it all differently, and even if sometimes it felt like they didn’t understand him…

They still cared. The hoodie around his shoulders said so. The card framed on his wall said so. The stray dog dander on his clothes said so. So long as he had that, who needed the luxury of understanding?

Patton shook his head, no, he wasn’t worrying about all them right now. Right now, there was someone else to worry about.

Remus. Remus, who always chatted on and on, but sometimes went dead quiet for no reason at all; whose expression never seemed to match his words, who laughed when he was happy and when he was angry, who yelled when he was bored and when he was overwhelmed. Remus, who threw himself around a corner for a cheap jumpscare every five minutes, limbs broken and wrapped in ragged, punk-style clothes. Who would also drape himself all the way across Patton gently and calmly, wearing something baggy and impossibly soft (but still neon as ever), talking and talking and acting like it was all perfectly normal. Remus, who Patton wasn’t even sure was officially his friend yet.

Patton wanted him to be. But there was still… something in the way. Some kind of frustrating, tense, unknowable barrier that left him on edge around the trait. If Remus could just tell him something, anything, or give him any hints at all about what Patton was supposed to make of him, then it wouldn’t be so downright impossible. But he was inscrutable, an open book written in a language Patton didn’t know.

Whenever Remus walked into the room, it was almost like nothing had even changed since his acceptance.

Speaking of-

Patton barely had time to dodge out of the way as Remus leapt onto the couch, landing in a sprawl and taking up as much space as possible. He looked out of breath, so he’d probably booked it down the hallway and stairs, too. Just as probable was him having no reason for doing so at all.

“Hello,” Patton said.

Remus, from his laid down position, arched his neck up until he was peering upside-down at Morality. He had a reserved look in his eyes, but it was obvious he was fighting not to grin.

“Guess what I did.”

Patton paused. There were… a lot of ways that could go. Most of them weird.

“Um-”

Remus made a disturbingly accurate buzzer noise, exclaiming, “Took too long!”. He flipped over onto his stomach and propped himself up on his palms, his legs draped over the arm of the couch, and rocked back and forth excitedly. “I made you something!”

The worry slipped out of Patton’s mind, replaced by curiosity. He hummed, smiling, and asked:

“Like a gift?”

Remus beamed.

“Something like that!”

As Patton laughed by response, he ran his thumb compulsively over his bead bracelet (that he hadn’t taken off even once since getting, of course).

“That’s so sweet!” he chirped, “You didn’t have to do that.”

The Duke puffed out a breath, ruffling the white section of his hair. He rolled his eyes and shifted around, pushing up until he sat upright.

“Yeah, I know. Haven’t we done this dance before, Morey?”

“Okay, okay, I know,” Patton shrugged, his expression turning sheepish, “What is it, then?”

Remus’ grin widened in that almost impossibly way of his, and something about the glint of his teeth was distinctly threatening. It probably wasn’t intentional, but Patton could never really tell, when his claws tapped impatiently against his leg and something mischievous wormed into his expression.

“Well, you have to close your eyes, first!” Remus clapped his hands together, and there that glint seemed to get brighter.

“Oh, uh-”

“It’s not gonna be my dick, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Patton yelped, covering his face with his hands in embarrassment.

“Well I wasn’t worried before you said that!”

Remus shrieked with laughter. Patton didn’t move his hands from his cheeks, a flush of discomfort starting at his ears and pricking his skin.

“You’re hilarious, but no- not this time, at least,” -Remus winked- “But just close your eyes, okay?”

Patton took a couple deep breaths, glancing up to give Remus his best approximation of a stern glare. He then let his hands drop to his lap, palms up, and squeezed his eyes shut.

There was a soft whoosh, and something small was dropped into Patton’s waiting hands. He ran the pad of his thumb over its surface, tracing something like fur. Soft, short fur, but when he pressed it was far too stiff to be a plush animal.

“Remus,” Patton felt along the object with both hands, jolting when he felt something scaly at the end, “What-”

“You can look now!”

Patton did as told, staring down at his lap.

There laid a rat.

A dead one, to be precise. A dead, taxidermized rat, posed up on its hind legs like some goofy little cartoon character. It’s eyes were impersonal glass orbs, but its skin was perfectly, horribly real.

Patton looked up, his eyes wide with disgust, to see unfiltered excitement shining on Remus’ face.

“I made it myself!” His pride echoed in the words, that grin stretching his lips looking all the more unnatural.

It was then that Patton’s body caught up with his brain, and he realized what exactly he was holding. He dropped it- all but threw it, actually- kicked it and scrambled back and anything to just get away.

The gift fell to the floor with a dull thump, toppling under the coffee table and out of sight. Patton pressed his hand against his mouth, the other one tightly fisted in his lap. He felt sick- sick enough that his brain was leagues away from rationality. Because he’d really touched- held- that corpse, that thing that used to be a cute little critter, what was now a homemade trinket of horror.

He turned his attention back to Remus, and a million thoughts and feelings rushed him. Betrayal, horror, fear- and weirdest of all was surprise.

Remus’ smile twitched, and he tipped his head from side to side.

“You dropped it,” he pointed out, “I thought you liked rats?”

The noise Patton made was something between a gasp and a cry.

“I like alive ones!” He exclaimed, pushing himself back until there was a good cushion’s distance between himself and Remus.

Remus’ smile dipped lower.

“Well, this way you don’t have to take care of it! It’s all of the cute with none of the trouble!”

“You think this is cute?!”

He couldn’t believe this was happening, after everything- he hadn’t gotten through to Remus even a little? It was all still a game for him to terrorize Patton? To shove dead things into his lap and laugh about it?

But Remus wasn’t laughing, strangely. In fact, he was very still.

“You don’t like it?”

In hindsight, Patton would look back on what he said with remorse so strong it gave him headaches. He had scores of memories like that, of course, but this one’s sting would never fade, not even long after they’d moved on from it. But in that moment of fear, of revile, he could not think about anything else but the feeling of being tricked by his almost-friend laying heavy in his stomach.

“Like it? Is this- are you joking? Remus, you made me touch a dead animal! I thought we were starting to be friends, but- oh my God, what is wrong with you?!”

Patton was sure he stopped breathing right after he said that, his voice choking out. In the silence that followed, you could’ve heard a pin drop.

Remus stood up, and everything about the way he moved showed a woundedness that didn’t suit him. He looked at Patton with an awful intensity, his ruby-red eyes practically glowing. There was nothing vulnerable about him when he was hurt, nothing at all like how Patton would respond to something like an argument. There was only anger and tension.

He didn’t smile, but his voice stayed pitchy. Gleeful.

“Everything,” Remus hissed, “I thought you’d catch on before now, but.”

Remus spun on his heel, and the floor beneath him bubbled with oil and acid and plague as he sank into the ground and out of the living room. The carpet shriveled, sick-green, in his wake.

That was when the understanding hit him. A lot like a train.

“Oh, no,” whispered Patton, “Oh, no.”

Patton struggled to his feet, as if on autopilot. Was he going to go after Remus? No, no, that definitely wouldn’t go over well. He was probably halfway into the Imagination by then, anyway, ready to take his anger out on his creations and not do any talking at all.

Patton tore his eyes away from the spot where Remus had sunk out, stumbling over to the coffee table instead. He crouched, reached his hand under it, and let his fingers touch the fur of his discarded present. He grabbed it, looked down at it. The wave of nausea when he saw the little rat was now less disgust, and much more regret.

He cradled the preserved creature in his hands with all the gentleness he could. There was a slip of thick, yellowish paper attached to it, that in all the upset had gone completely unnoticed. It was folded in half, tied with twine to the rat’s neck.

Patton looked into the rat’s shiny, empty eyes for far too long, watching his reflection be distorted by the spheres. He took a shuddering breath, then, and thumbed the edge of the paper, felt its grain, and flipped it open.

“This is Jenner. You can have him, because even if you’re a priss, if you can handle me you can handle having cool shit like this. Plus, you’re weirdly nice to me, so I guess I don’t mind being nicely weird to you.

-R (the funnier one <3)”

Patton read the note once. Twice. Three, four, maybe six times the words ran over each other in his head.

The paper slipped from his fingers. He held his rat in both hands and stared down its coffee-brown snout. Patton couldn’t help bringing the figurine to his chest and hugging it tightly, like it was the thing he’d hurt so badly, serving as surrogate. Its sharp fingers and tail poked through his shirt like needles, but he ignored it, holding the irrational hope that the inanimate object could forgive him somehow.

Jenner was creepy, that was probably intentional; his proportions and pose were so uncanny it couldn’t have been an accident. And it was so, so very Remus of a thing that Patton couldn’t stand to hate it. His shift in view was so sudden, and in some sad way he realized that the conflict had been the final piece he’d needed. What let that understanding crash into Patton’s mind, painting the picture of somebody layered.

The picture of Remus, who he was, had finally clicked into place- and at the exact worst time for it to do so.

Patton had fucked up. Massively.

He didn’t react how he thought he would when he realized it. He didn’t grow weary and exhausted, desperate to apologize and then collapse into unthinking sleep for days. Gone was the emptiness of making promises that he hoped he could hold true on, just wanting to have gotten it right the first time. No, Patton felt something burning under his skin, something itching him to take action because he’d learned from a mistake. He knew exactly what he’d done, and he was ready to do better right damn now.

Patton breathed in deep and exhaled sharp, because first…

He sunk out to his room, Jenner tucked into the crook of his elbow. He rose up at his bedside and shoved a handful of knickknacks off the nightstand. With enough space cleared, Patton set his rat down on the table and stood it up on his alarm clock, facing the bed. And then, as just a final touch, he smoothed back the fur of its head and gave it a peck on the forehead.

Now, he had some planning to do.

Chapter Five

Taglist: @shrimp-crockpot @glitter-skeleton-uwu @donnieluvsthings @intruxiety @thefivecalls @did-he-just-hiss-at-me @gayformlessblob

#sanders sides #ts #intruality #my writing #fanfiction #fanfic #platonic intruality #qpr intruality #patton #remus #ts fanfic #sanders sides fanfiction

26 notes · View notes

loki-the-trikster-god · 3 years

Note

my last two brain cells: bread... good 😌

oh right. it’s clyde!

ahahaha yeah i have ur notifications turned on and every time you post something i’m like cecil? loki? have u spoken to me? hehehehehe cuz u know it’s not like i have anything better to do with my life

i almost typed loaf instead of life... says a lot about my priorities

ahhhh yes i’m looking forward to jt... but why do you need an arm sling? did i forget something about caliban? it’s been nearly a year since i’ve read it, and it wasn’t exactly the most enthralling book, so sorry if i don’t remember much

i understand what ur saying about the fandom thing. definitely a maladaptive daydreamer too, in fact sometimes it’s hard to turn that setting off (which is why i don’t sleep). but yes i feel like harry potter holds a special place in most hearts. don’t let jkr ruin her books for u amigo.

amigo is okay right? i just realized i never asked, i assumed it was relatively gender neutral. i apologize, i call everyone amigo hehe.

haha yeah slytherins earn respect mostly from fear, is what people think which is why they respect them. but you don’t strike me as that kind of person. *shakes hands in gryffindor*

yeah bro is good :) nobody’s called me bro before i kinda like it tbh 😊. ohhhhhh luckyyyy i wish i could ditch pe. it sucks for me bc i am very unathletic so i’m usually the one people hate on when the team loses. ahhhhh don’t ruin ur ribs friend bc then you’ll end up in the hospital and i don’t think u will be able to go on tumblr and then u won’t respond and i’ll think u abandoned me. nonono im kidding but seriously don’t do that take breaks amigo.

no u didn’t make it weird don’t worry amigo just worried for ur well being. haha u must be very stubborn indeed to stubborn yourself into enjoying food lol.

oh wow ur writing must be so amazing gasp 👏👏 awesome hehe. don’t worry about the praise going to ur head, if u deserve it ur allowed to be as egotistic as you want.

tbh u are like so different from all of my friends, and i don’t mean that in a bad way. it’s just so cool to interact with someone that is unafraid to have their opinions and to show emotion and to speak out loud (unlike me) it’s so cool.

i usually don’t like people who display your character traits, i find them annoying. but you also are kind before anything else (except perhaps sarcastic, which i fall guilty to as well) which is what sets you apart i think.

it is like having a pen pal! i’ve always wanted one of those lol. and i’m here to listen to u :)

tbh id dm you, but sadly i’m not allowed to do that and in the interest of keeping my tumblr, i have settled for pen palling u, which i have to say is so fun.

u even have ur own note in my phone where i type up the messages hehe. “for cecil, loki darling” is the title lol. hope i’m not coming across as annoying and clingy, which i can appear to be. if i am i apologize.

oh wow this is long... can u tell i haven’t really spoken to any humans recently hehe?

um so the question: are you into marvel? if so, who is your favourite character? if not, um, i recommend it 🤷‍♀️. hehe

asdf this is very long wow sorry i’m just speaking my mind at this point, which i almost never do. maybe the thoughts just build up and spill out here. that seems like a plausible theory.

anyways *waves* until next time! (i think i’ll end them all like that i like the way it sounds)

Another letter from clyde!!!! Hello, my lovely friend!!!

I’m on my phone very sporadically because of theater and all but when I am I’m like ,,,notif,,,, lmao. Also bread,,,,,, good

Oh my arm brace is to make it more physically safe to hunch my back and twist the way I do for him. Caliban is a monster, so he takes weird physical acting, and our version is snake-like, so much crawling and writhing in the dirt, but the staple of the form is that I crawl sideways with my left shoulder forced up, which I use the brace for. Also I’m frankly glad u didn’t know what I needed the brace for cause I got to nerd all over u. I love theater so much.

Lmao I don’t sleep either so 🤝. I won’t, dont you worry, I’ll still see the fantastic beast movies as they come out (this has nothing to do with my crush on Jude law at *all* /s)

Amigo is just fine!! No one else calls me that, but it has nice energy, so it can be your special Clyde thing!!! Also I’m so glad you like being called bro, I use it as a nickname religiously but I like to think I can fold some warmth into it :)

Don’t worry, I won’t break my ribs I’m terrified of hospitals and also am a hypochondriac so yeah nope lmao. I have like,,, the capacity to be athletic? When I went to a school that made me do sports I was on varsity field hockey and track but I super didn’t like it haha so I don’t do it anymore. This not to say I was like, super good, I was one of the worse ones at the school, but I was ok.

I am clinically stubborn l m a o. Very very stubborn. And don’t worry about me, it’ll get better soon.

🥰🥰🥰🥰thank youuu that’s so sweet. Sometime I’ll send u something I wrote,,,, might even write a story just for you. We’ll see :)

I’m very much glad you don’t find me annoying h. I try hard not to be, but a lot of people do find me irritating and/or too loud. I’m also glad I come across as kind, since I want to be and put work into it. I promise I care u :)))) (I am also very sarcastic it’s true, it’s basically the staple of my wit)

Keeping ur tumblr is good!!! I’d be sad if you went away. I have always loved the energy of letters, and these have it, which is so fun!!!!!! Responding to asks adds to the mystique and the pen pal energy too, so it’s good all around!!

I’m literally smiling so hard, I have a notes folder!!!! (My god when people call me loki I get happy too,,,, I like my name a lot but it’s more like a treat when I’m called loki). Also ur not clingy at all, at least not more than I am. I’m extremely clingy, but worse cause I always just expect people to interact with me first rip. It’s the adhd but I’m also just bad at communicating. Also relatable, I haven’t left my house to go anywhere except theater and that’s like seven people max and we don’t talk about anything except the play.

I am borderline into marvel. I’ve seen some of them, I really didn’t like infinity war and endgame (again no hate it’s just a personal taste thing) (wow I hope u don’t mind how judgmental ur homie is cause damn. I am very very judgey aren’t I. I didn’t like this, I didn’t like that, I thought this could have been done better,,,, anyhow. I am a critic Lolol.) but I really loved Thor ragnarok, captain marvel, black panther, guardians of the galaxy (both of them) and captain America. So the really good ones. I am not sure who I like most other than my namesake ofc (loki). Had a gender envy phase for Tom Hiddleston for Sure.

You spill as many thoughts as you’re comfortable with! I promise you’re safe with me, and I’m here for you. :)))))

Until next time!! (It does sound good)

#loki stuff #its clyde!

1 note · View note

unproduciblesmackdown · 6 years

Photo

@uberoll-oystercrackers late night (early morning?) posting here but this is super nice ty and also again retroactively thank you additionally for all the long replies & kind tags you give

like really yeah it’s like, on the one hand, it’s fairly sucky having to have this thing where im always jumping the gun on considering someone Maybe An Friend and then having to remind myself / be reminded of the fact that like no probably not, which is true and yet sucks, which is just how some stuff is!! like sometimes stuff just is Not Good and is not ever going to Not Hurt, despite the fact you can kinda get better at living with it. and like this one isnt a huge deal even tho the larger problem of when ur like, lonely &/or isolated is kind of a whole real deal……

like it’s strange having these contradictory problems with it…..like, Being Myself has never really just been something i can Naturally do, so even just trying to be nice is like oh lord am i being ~manipulative~, and im always too prone to treat interactions like ive got to placate the other person, and then also just like….not having amazing social skills anyways in the sense that i know a lot of times i come across ~off~ to people and can’t really do a lot about that, but also, i feel like i’m always overcompensating for like, enthusiasm and just the fact i like to Get Silly and maybe i’ll act too cool~n~collected or come off like im trying to be all Smart and Smarmy and like jeez no……it doesnt help that when i was younger i generally preferred interacting with adults and so probably was trying to come across as clever and when i was wanting someone to like me i’d be real nervous and try to go too hard in seeming the opposite lol……oh the legacy of the time i found out my mom’s childhood friend who was funny and cool to us thought i was bookish (true) but like also snobby or something lmao like ah jeez i probably made too many sarcastic jokes about things….but oh well i was just like 10-ish at the time.

anyways tho i feel like that still kicks in and when i get the sense someone is cool and it’d be cool if they thought i was cool too i’m like Well So Then i gotta PLAY it cool!! and then like oh no am i coming across as a jerk? or an trying-to-be-an-intellectual?? i always have a lot of thoughts and i do go off when its like, also tied in to Opinions of mine, so im like, oh no am i coming across as trying to tell someone i think they should think exactly this?? or if i try to Be Witty and Tell Jokes are they just coming off as snarky b/c i hope not especially since a lot of times my actual Lighthearted Snark gets read as “i hate this and think its dumb af” lol. ahhhh i just do not know!! like, i wanna sort of dial back my Warmth b/c i can get enthused fast and i have a tendency to get too attached to ppl too fast, which really only sucks for me, but still!! yet i dont wanna rein it in too much and try to overcompensate and come off like im Eternally Unimpressed and don’t really care and etc etc and just…..idk its wild it’s hard to tell how i may be socializing awkwardly lmao ahhh….and on top of it all, i manage to be godawful at realizing when other ppl actually like me. like, that sort of sounds like The Opposite but i guess its just more of that problem of thinking that im going to always bother people….a lot of times it takes me like, months or a year (or two or three) to realize that someone who willingly interacts w me during that time probably does genuinely like me and is maybe a friend. wrow

uhhhh anyways lord that was all just. tangentially related. im Tangents

UH more to the point!!!! the good news is that yeah i don’t have to think “oh we’re totally real bffs” about anyone to really enjoy and appreciate Our Interactions…..and like i do have real appreciation and gratitude for basically all nice attention lol like, if a single reblog of smthing has kind comments, if someone cool just Likes a few posts, talking on occasion or like, ever at all. cuz for real The Little Stuff has always been a really good thing for years now, especially since there’s been plenty of times i havent really had anything happening In Person that was like….good interactions or ppl who were able to hear my actual thoughts and feelings about whatever and still be interested in interacting with me. cuz in terms of not being isolated and in what i find it easy to talk about and how, Online Interactions have been genuinely important and impactful in a positive way for like a solid decade now since i was able to be consistently Online and have my own accounts and stuff in the first place

so like yeah totally i really do appreciate stuff like that. i think its pretty incredible whenever anybody just like, thinks of me, and likes me. having None Of That Feeling is supremely trash and i so appreciate that i don’t have to feel like there’s nothing and that nobody out there in the world is aware of me, and yet i don’t need it to be that like, anyone is Constantly aware of me and like, intensely invested, cuz that’s just not how it goes lol and even kinda meaning a little bit to someone and having my tiny presence in their life be a positive one is a great thought and i really do appreciate it. Unfortunately for like….my entire life, The Contempt Of Others has been a consistent #thing i’m dealing with and it’s not great!! like yeah fortunately ive had the “felt so bad about myself that it eventually circled back around and now self loathing isnt too much of an issue for me” thing, but it still sucks experiencing it lol…..having any testimonials that like, whatever shit im talking about @ myself is fun to read, or i seem okay, or its fun to talk, etc etc, like thats fantastic really

and the kinds of leaf thoughts too, yeah, that kind of thing is nice to know too lol. i was hoping you were ok like, ten hours before i saw you posting again lol…..we’re out here……..

like yeah ldmbgglh whatever my weird problems are with being overexcited abt any Potential Friendship, and also being bad at realizing if people do like me, and also just being Weird and not great at talking, and overcompensating for whatever and maybe coming across too Coldly when rly im a fiery dumbass, wanting friends but also wanting not to be burned by getting ahead of things and being reminded that most ppl aren’t like, as starved for even just friendly interactions……..i’m better at navigating and handling it in some ways but c’est a m’ess!!! aaaggbfg

really what im trying to say is i do appreciate that sort of thing a lot yeah. i could very well Not be thought of by anybody and that would suck and the fact that i get to know that i am is a really great thing. maybe i couldve said this all better last night cuz i was kinda in my feelings abt Life a little but then also it was in a sort of déspresso way so, maybe this is okay lol….

also i worry i don’t express affection and appreciation enough!!! it’s not that i’m like Oh i don’t want to Commit to Being Friends ew…..it’s that i don’t wanna be the one pressuring someone else into being like uh oh i have to play up being invested in milo!! but then maybe my playing-it-cool just makes other ppl do the same thing or think i don’t care or something. like oh i appreciate this person a ton and think they’re great and they’ve been kind to me but if we only talk so often and obviously im not There for them and involved in their life in the way a ~real friend~ would be, maybe it would just ring hollow to say i love them, for example. lord lol……. it’s all “oh don’t dial down your kindness and affection” and yet also “but don’t wanna inadvertently push other people or Be Weird or get myself invested in something where i don’t mean as much to the other person not cuz they suck but because like, of course im just a fun internet acquaintance, which is fine!!” ahhhhhh the challenges. anyways!!!!!!!

the point is well i do like ppl yeah and i really appreciate ppl liking me. every now and then they do it online or even in person and thats just a Joy and i wish things were more secure!!! i also have to not even necessarily want ppl to get invested in me in case things go to shit too soon or whatever and it doesnt help that ~being open~ means talking abt depressingass stuff sometimes that like, i don’t mind being open about, but i also don’t want to put on other ppl. which, sidenote on that, im feeling relatively alright all these recent months even if im not technically thriving; it’s okay. it’s a hot mess! but that’s just How It Is sometimes!! it’s what it is. and ive had support from ppl in big and small ways that i know i could have had to go without and all the ways ppl are nice to me count for a whole lot and i have appreciated it, and do appreciate it, and will continue to appreciate it.

tldr 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

#7:05am who up!! im nocturnal. im a vampire. a cool vampire. jk not sexy enough #unsexy vampire rights!!!#unsexy nocturnal me getting reckless and saying into the mic: Hey. I Love Y’all. Yeehaw

10 notes · View notes

oleaspur · 6 years

Text

ummmwine replied to your post “zenkaiankoku replied to your post “i find it really interesting how...”

oh totally to all of that though, like, yeah i think ppl either smooth him over WAY too much &/or make him like, more stable than evan which is like??? they have Different Problems actually but connor is definitely the least okay / least okay to be around of all of them...but it's also like...clearly just as Off to interpret him as somebody who just acts out completely at random and is just Intensely Angry ALL THE TIIIME instead of yeah, him having this actual internal

OK im replying under the cut because this will be long but tl;dr YOURE RIGHT

process behind the stuff he does which like, from an outside perspective would clearly be unjustified or over the top or irrational etc etc etc...and tbh like interpreting him as like, slow to warm up to ppl and quick to draw back thx to paranoia or potentially actually sort of latching on to ppl too fast but it can also go sour rl quick All Thanks To Splitting is valid af and like!! we don't know cuz canon doesn't say anything about that kind of thing re him. liiiike

i think the difference between having a relationship w someone with something like depression and anxiety and with someone who has a disorder like bpd is that w/ depression and anxiety you can almost always take a step back. its not going to be the case that everything you do impacts them and that their response to your actions is going to be a public thing.. bpd for me at least is very loud. it takes up all the space it can possibly find, so every interaction Means something and every response you have to those interactions needs to serve some kind of a function and it needs to be Known. its why at least for me i tend to suffer more when i have close relationships with people, because youre constantly having that sort of connection. like im not saying its always a bad thing because the good times are! so good! but everything is horrible and intense All the time so it never feels like youre doing something wrong when youre acting out. its more like why DOESNT this matter to everyone else the way it should.

the splitting thing just makes so much sense to me because i used to be the kind of person who would say like , really awful things to my family as a result of it. i dont ever want people to think im justifying what connor supposedly did but i think there Should be an explanation beyond hes just ‘a bad person’ or Vaguely troubled. there is a genuine attempt to reach out to evan, however minor, and i think that its way more compelling to treat him as someone who Does crave genuine connection w people and is just unable to approach it in a healthy way than anything else

i don't think that reference to that particular incident with zoe is meant to be like "there's a specific canon answer to what issue made connor act like this" but like i can so see that being more of legit paranoia fueling that problem somehow and just...like hghh again out of all the senior kids he'd definitely have the most work to do before he'd be able to have a good relationship either in terms of on his own end or re the other person's end of it...like obviously

there's the violence which is like. number one Got To Get Rid Of That Asap mostly for other ppl's sakes but then like. figuring out how to deal w the underlying crap would be more for his sake. like god that all of them were in therapy but also connor's problems definitely seem intense enough that he could probably stand to look into being medicated instead of having to self medicate cuz i figure that's what he's trying to do even if its kind of backfiring sometimes...

definitely definitely.. i could say a lot about why i think having connor and evan (or jared i suppose but i havent thought about that so much) bonding initially and then it going downhill because of a lack of an actual understanding of each other’s issues (and then both learning and coping separately IN ORDER to build an actual relationship with each other) is more interesting and genuine feeling than them Immediately helping each other and it actually working. but it would be long..

they all need to See Someone. + obviously medication is never the be-all end-all of any kind of mh treatment but for me personally therapy was never useful UNTIL i was on medication that actually helped regulate my moods first. the sort of things they talked about were never feasible for me because my moods dropped SO fast and because just being told to do things was so infuriating.. and so on. i definitely agree w the self-medication part i usually see that as connor trying to deal as best he can w something that no one else seems to understand or struggle with. sometimes it seems like the best way of coping w things is to try and detach urself from it . obviously that isnt healthy at all but when u dont know how else to deal w ur problems u find your own solutions :(

ANYWAYS the point is that like. first of all projecting shit Is Valid And Who Cares Anyways but in this case its probably also more accurate than what ppl write when they have no experience with such intense and unmanageable things and stuff that you really can't quite imagine accurately unless you know it firsthand already. and godddddd a trope i cannot stand is like, the 'i just need one good relationship and that will fix things / inspire me to choose to be able to

handle this and voila! i am handling it" like!!! i LOVE good relationships being mutually helpful and with this cast it's easy to see how they'd clash cuz they all do in canon!! but it's also ughh so easy to see how they could all understand and help each other even tho their specific problems are different when u zoom in enough. and like it's cool as hell if a relationship helps you / motivates you but it's not gonna fix everything and it shouldn't!! and like yeah with

connor i really see his shit as being involved in / close to the clinical psychotic types of issues. which yknow, people REALLY don't tend to know how to write if they don't have lived experience or really do a lot of good research anyways. like badly written anxiety is still probably gonna be closer to the mark than badly written delusions or smthing, idk. but anyways i am going ON AND ON and the point is. bpd connor is valid as fuck and i love that perspective on him

YEAH i think when i was younger i fell into that kind of writing as a sad sort of wish-fulfilment thing because it makes sense to want things to be that way. but its not helpful to people who relate to those characters, or realistic/healthy to want that sort of solution because it just doesnt exist

i think with personality disorders especially its hard because to a certain extent its like... it inhabits you. i was SO worried that once i started being able to deal w my mental health issues i would stop being a real person because like. it informed Everything in terms of how i approached the world. its hard to write something like that but like.. it all makes sense in your head. you have your own internal justification for everything even if you never reason it out and even if you couldnt possibly explain it in words you KNOW youre feeling this way for a reason and youre justified and should be feeling this way. its weird stuff

ANYWAY ty for this i LOVE talking about this kind of thing and literally everything youve said is so good and real.. connor is important to me even if he has barely any characterisation in canon lol

#ummmwine #jury.txt #response #long post #SORRY this got so long also. no need to reply BTW i just love the excuse to talk about this stuff

4 notes · View notes

cloudyhyunjin · 7 years

Text

Nights

You notice a certain red and blue vigilante has started making sure you get home safely

Member: Felix

Warnings: idk I use a lot of commas and im kinda a shitty writer so have fun i guess. (ALSO THIS FIC USES INCORRECT FIRST AID DON’T EVER WIPE A LACERATION WITH A RAG OKAY!!!)

Genre: Fluff and a pinch of angst, Spiderman au

Song Rec: Nights-Frank Ocean (I did totally listen to WOW by 3racha on repeat while writing this though)

Word Count: 9.5K

Author’s Note: This takes place in Queens but i’m from chicago so don’t expect accuracy in locations and stuff cuz that’s where spiderman is from, also in highschool, and because we don’t know how tall Felix is he’s gonna be taller than you in this scenario but I only mention you being shorter than him like once so… yeah

It wasn’t your fault that heads started turning in your direction when you walked through the halls in school. Nor was it your fault that the quiet whispers eventually got loud enough for you to hear.

‘Apparently he follows them to their job after school’

‘I could’ve sworn that I’ve seen him watching them walk home from the convenience store.’

‘Do you think they know each other?’

At first the comments scared you. Who was following you home at night? Was it someone who was trying to hurt you? The fear of this person was so prevalent that you convinced a friend to drive you from school to work every day for a few weeks until you found a more convenient way to travel. Of course, it would have been more helpful to have a ride home from work. Walking home at night was the scariest part of your day. But that wasn’t possible, so you opted for a small can of pepper spray, and your house keys between the fingers on your dominant hand in order to help you feel more safe during the walk. You only had to walk in the discomfort for a few days however. The comments in the halls helped you to feel a bit less scared.

‘Why would Spiderman follow them home?’

At first you couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t because of the shock of the spiderman following you home, more that you thought it was just a ridiculous rumor started by your classmates. Your classmates also helped in voicing you other concerns.

‘What’s so special about them?’

You couldn’t think of anything that was special enough to warrant a superhero taking the role of, what was essentially, your own personal bodyguard. The idea stayed in your head that maybe you weren’t special. Maybe spiderman did this for everyone that he saw walking home alone, which was the real question. Was it really only you had had gotten this treatment? You hoped, if spiderman was truly making sure you got home safely, that you were the only person who got the treatment. It did make you feel just a bit more special.

That week prior where you were unsure of who was following you home had been the week when you feared walking home from work the most. Your mother constantly tried to convince you that taking a bus home or getting a ride from a friend was safer than the mile long walk, but your father went a different route and tried to get you to take self defence classes. Your friends gave you the most concern, they were constantly trying to provide you with rides home or trying to get you to go to their house instead as they lived closer to your job. You understood where their fear came from. With all the weird aliens and criminals showing up the crime rates in Queens had doubled lately. Maybe that was why you suddenly had a red and blue shadow.

It took a while to notice him, but once you did you couldn’t stop seeing him. You had seen the dark figure running across the tops of buildings trying to keep up with your fast pace. Felt the air whipping behind you, which you could only attribute to the hero swinging on his webs past you. Occasionally you heard his footsteps pattering on the sides of buildings. There were a few times in which you almost started a conversation with him, you would stop and look for him only to make what you assumed was eye contact for an uncomfortably long time and then return to your walk. It gave you a weird sort of reassurance knowing that he was there, you felt as if he would try his hardest to protect you. It made you feel slightly attached to him.

You had grown so used to the presence being there that you grew worried when you didn’t seem him right away. The worry didn’t sprout from fear of you not being okay, more from fear that he wasn’t. However he always made an appearance. You were comfortable with him constantly surrounding you. It would have been okay with you if you only ever contacted him through the long stares. So one could only imagine how strange it felt when you started making more contact with him. A small piece of paper you found attached to your locked with a web.

‘Good luck on your math test today! Don’t worry about the web on your locker, it should dissolve in a few hours’

The first letter sat on your locker for a few hours before, like he said it would, the web dissolved and the small paper fell to the ground. You walked back to your locker the next morning to find another note.

‘What you don’t like my notes?’

A small frowning face was drawn next to the words and you smiled slightly to yourself before pulling the note off the locker and slipping it into your back pocket.

“No it’s just different.” You whispered to yourself before turning and walking to your first period class. You were painfully aware of the note in your pocket every second of the day, every slight movement in your chair and you felt the piece of paper digging into your body. It was almost funny to you that Spiderman went to your school. He wasn’t some strange 30 year old man who decided to take an interest in you, nor was he just Tony Stark’s newest recruit that had suddenly grown fond of you. It scared you that you probably knew him and you knew for a fact that he heard all of the rumors that went around the school. The rumors that you might be related to him or maybe his partner. Some people said that you might have even paid him to protect you. He had to have heard everyone grasping at straws and trying to figure out why spiderman suddenly took an interest in you. But now that you knew he went to your school, maybe you could finally ask him yourself.

Note after note started appearing on your locker, every day like clockwork. You would show up at your locker to find a note attached with that stupid little web. Sometimes they were helpful reminders, but other times they were just compliments or variations of ‘Have a good day y/n’. It was cute, and after only a few days the whispers in the halls started to pick up on the notes. The questions turned into more accusing statements and they grew louder. It seemed that they didn’t care if you heard at that point.

‘There’s no way they aren’t dating spiderman.’

Full blown conversations and theories flying past you as you walked past them. The judgement didn’t last long however. The people of the school eventually came to find it cute, different types of aww sounded off every time they caught you smiling at the notes. Deskmates started asking you about it as well. If you knew who he was or why he was trying to make contact with you. You never had an answer for them, and it upset them every time. You did continue to entertain the idea that maybe you would tell them everything that you knew about spiderman, and you would tell them about him when you were comfortable. They were, of course, oblivious to the fact that you knew just as much about him as they did.

Some days you would find that the halls would get increasingly more quiet as you drew near to the locker. You always knew why the second you turned the corner into the hall where your locker was stationed and saw another little sheet flapping slightly as people whipped past it. You were usually immune to the letters, not showing much emotion when you saw them as to not give your witnesses a show. But this day, for some reason unknown to you, was a bit different. A small smile plastered itself on your face and you turned your head downwards as you walked quickly towards it. You stationed yourself in front of the locker and read to note.

‘Ooh fancy I’m breaking tradition again. It’s cold out so make sure you wear a jacket.’

“Fancy it is Mr. Spiderman.” The note was once again pulled off the metal it stuck to and tucked into your back pocket. You didn’t mind him breaking tradition if it meant that you could hear from him just a bit more. You lifted your head to look at the combination lock on your locker only to have your eyes quickly covered by a pair of hands.

“Guess who?” The voice rumbled behind you, you knew exactly who it was but you played along with him anyways.

“The grim reaper, here to bring me the sweet release of death so that I never have to interact with Felix ever again.” You answered and wrapped your fingers around his wrists pulling his hands away from your eyes. You dropped his hands and turned around to lean against your locker. He stood in front of you slightly hunched over, a baggy grey sweatshirt with the hood covering his black hair. Matching black bags under his slightly closed eyes. He hadn’t been sleeping much, it was easy for you to tell.

“How are you y/n?” He pulled his hood off only to run a hand through his hair and pull the hood back up. The black hair was different from the bleach blonde that he had been sporting for the past few months.

“You dyed your hair.” He tilted his head at your comment, upset that you dodged his question. “I like it. It really brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.” You smiled and tilted your head as well, mimicking his movements. He chuckled at the comment but he didn’t let his prior question go unanswered.

“What are the notes making you uncomfortable or something? You know I would totally beat up spiderman for you.” He teased and poked your shoulder a bright smile adorned his face, you had definitely gotten used to that smile.

“You’ll beat up the spiderman and win. Yeah, sure.” You scoffed and pushed yourself off of your locker and turned around putting in your combination, you opened your locker and swapped your books. “And besides I don’t mind the notes.” Felix muttered a small ‘Good’ and smiled at you. He stood on your left side so that he wouldn’t be blocked by the locker door and leaned his left shoulder against the brick wall that separated two sets of lockers. His head leaned against the wall as well and he closed his eyes. A small ding sounded from his phone and he groaned before pulling it out of his back pocket. He rolled his eyes as he scanned over the notification.

“I’m sorry I have to go, uh… Aunt May wants me for something. Put on a jacket it’s cold outside.” He turned around and ran towards the exit before you could say goodbye. It was strange for a few seconds, and you couldn’t help but wonder ‘what is it’s him’. But the Felix you knew, he was afraid of heights. A few months prior you had tried to take him to one of those indoor skydiving place only for the both of you to chicken out at the last second. The idea left your head as quickly as it entered. You closed your locker and threw your bag over your shoulder, walking out of the school with the note still sitting in your back pocket.

The walk to work was indeed cold and you scolded yourself for not putting on a jacket like you were told to. The usual 30 minute walk took a good took an extra twenty minutes; you were alone on this walk. It felt strange to not get any signs of him, no footsteps, no sights, or sounds. It scared you a little bit and every few steps you would slow down and look around, hoping to see or hear something, anything. But there was nothing.

You pushed your way into convenience store and walked to the employee room. Hanging up your backpack and slipping on the red vest, you sighed and closed the door when you were done. Ever day seemed all too familiar. Spider Man’s appearance in your life was a much welcomed difference in the same old routine, as you walked behind the counter you only hoped that his lack of appearance today didn’t mean something bad.

As the hours went by, you still couldn’t get the thought you of your head. Was he going to be okay? Would you be okay walking home alone? You could only hope that the answer to both of those questions was yes. God was this stranger tearing you up inside. Not knowing who he was of if he was okay were the only thoughts on your mind. However, your thoughts were disrupted by a small thudding sound coming from the front of the store. You looked around the brightly lit room for anyone before you walked around the counter and towards the front door slowly. As you approached the door you found a light brown bag pressed against the outside of the glass door, surrounding it was that familiar white web. You laughed and smiled brightly then you walked outside of the store and cut the bag free with a key on your keyring.

You walked back into the store and locked the door behind you, deciding that it was time to take your break. You positioned yourself on the front counter so that you were facing the front door and you opened the bag. Inside was a Sub sandwich from the shop across the street, and of course a small note. It as written on a small brown napkin instead of the normal white notebook paper

‘You should make sure that you’re eating something.’

“How considerate,” You took the wrapping off of the sandwich and took your time eating it, the shop usually wasn’t very busy once it got late which allowed you to do so. A few people passed by the shop and gave the left over web on the door strange looks as they did so. Occasionally they would look at you as well, but you just smiled back at them. It was good that no one was showing up to the small shop, it gave you extra time to attempt to work on some of your school work. Keyword being attempt. It seemed stupid and repetitive but he was still on your mind. He had been at the sub shop across from your work while you were at work. That was the most disappointing, he was so close to you and you could have caught him but you didn’t.

A loud knocking disrupted your thoughts once again and you lifted your head to the front door. Felix stood in the same grey sweatshirt and smiled at you when you made eye contact with him.

“Are you open?” The sound was muffled but it was easy to understand what he was saying. You set the sandwich down and walked to the door. You unlocked the door then opened it for him, he stepped in and the both of you walked back to the front counter and took a seat on it. He had been looking tired lately, you assumed that it was because the semester was ending and he was trying his hardest to prepare for finals. He had a bad habit of letting his grades get a bit too low and then having to study profusely in order to pass his classes. You always offered to help him with subjects where he wasn’t the best but he turned you down every time. Making up an excuse that Aunt May needed his help with something or that he was able you pass the classes on his own. You never bought any of the excuses but you didn’t ever press it. He would tell you why he was “Busy” when he was ready, right?

“No offence Felix but you look like hell.” You pulled the other half of the sub out of the brown paper bag and handed it to him. He put one hand up in protest and shook his head.

“No thanks. I don’t like swiss on my subs.” Your eyebrows furrowed at the comment.

“How do you know it’s swiss?” You shot back. His cheeks got slightly more red and his eyes widened when he heard you. It only lasted a few seconds though, he chuckled and replied.

“You always get swiss on your sandwiches, silly.” Muscles in your shoulders relaxed, you didn’t know they were so tense until that moment. He was right; you did always get swiss on your sandwiches. How did spiderman know that? Maybe it was just a guess.

“I didn’t get it for myself.” He didn’t seem surprised.

“Let me guess it was your shadow.” Felix said. A fake bitterness in his voice and you laughed at the mock jealousy. He was always good at making you laugh, to be completely honest he was always good at making everyone laugh. You had always wondered why Felix didn’t have more friends when it would have been so easy for him to make more. He claimed that it was because he was busy enough with you that he didn’t have time for anyone else. Of course, you always felt a bit guilty when he told you this. You couldn’t have taken up that much of his time right?

The two of you sat on the counter for the rest of your shift and spoke all throughout the rest of your shift. When it came time for you to go home you clocked out and grabbed your backpack back from your locker, replacing it with the red work vest that you had been wearing earlier. Felix offered to walk you home and you gladly accepted, he lived close by and you knew that he would be able to make it home around the same time as you.

The walk back was filled with light hearted conversation and laughs. A bit of ice cream was even involved in the trip. Felix had suggested that despite the cold weather, ice cream was always a good option. The walk took longer than usual but you were okay with that, it was a good distraction. So good in fact, that you didn’t even notice spiderman’s absence.

You walked into your first period class after you picked up the note from your locker.

‘Be extra careful tonight! I heard there’s some dude running around town mugging people. I’ll keep you safe but still”

At first you questioned why he didn’t just say that he’s take care of it instead of saying that he’d keep you safe. But after a few minutes of thinking about it you realised that it was obvious that he had been spending a lot of his time in making sure that you were okay recently. It made sense in that capacity, but you feared that he was becoming too occupied with your safety over the city.

Felix was the first person that you saw, not that he saw you though. His head was buried in his notebook as he tried to finish the homework from the previous night. You laughed at the sight; he looked so small hunched over in his chair. You walked over to him and pulled out the chair from the desk next to him. He looked up at you and smiled, you returned the expression.

“You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.” You commented on his appearance as you sat down in your seat. A low chuckle rumbled from his chest as he looked over his right shoulder at you. He closed the notebook and put it in his lap, he then laid his head on the desk and closed his eyes. A small smile still held itself on his lips, and you looked at his face for a bit. You grew exceedingly concerned the longer you looked over his face. His right eyebrow had a deep cut through it that wasn’t there yesterday. The same could be said for the left side of his bottom lip. Felix opened his eyes to find a worried expression plastered on your face.

“What is it now?” He lifted his head off the desk and leaned back in his chair maintaining eye contact with you. You brought your hand up to his face and ran your thumb along the cut on his bottom lip. His lips parted slightly and his breath hitched at the action. Your eyes travel to his lip but his eyes stayed right on you. The two of you were silent for what felt like far too long for Felix, when you finally brought your eyes back to his he saw nothing but concern in them.

“What is this?” You pulled away your hand from his face and put it in your lap. He shook his head at the question.

“It’s nothing y/n” He spoke softly and the small smile from earlier found its way back onto his face. Your concern morphed into something else that had a hint of annoyance. He knew you wouldn’t like that answer. He was right, you hated that answer with every fiber of your being. “I promise, okay? If it was something important I would tell you.” You turned away from Felix and muttered a small ‘okay’.

It stressed you out that Felix wouldn’t talk to you, and for a few seconds you questioned your friendship with him. Why couldn’t he trust you? He used to trust you with everything so why wouldn’t he tell you? He must have sensed that you were so pressed about his safety, because before you knew it both of your hands were enclosed by his and he was looking straight in your eyes.

“Hey, I’m alright I promise. It just really isn’t important what happened.” His smile this time was larger and brighter, you didn’t miss the slight wince as the cut on his lip stretches a bit too far. You smiled back at him and nodded your eyes still on his. If he really didn’t want to tell you, there was nothing you could do about it. So you took the explanation and turned back to the front board freeing one of your hands. However his other hand never moved from yours, it stayed throughout the entire class. He used his left thumb to draw lazy circles over the back of your hand. Every single time he squeezed you hand your heart seemed to beat just a little bit harder. It stayed in his even as he walked you to your second class through the whisper filled hallways. It was definitely something that you could get used to.

The walk to work that day seemed even more lonely and cold than the day before. There was no sign of spiderman again, nor was there any sign of him during work. You sat through your boring shift with no sandwich to brighten your mood, and no Felix to keep you busy. It the world seemed to stop during your shift. Not many people came during the brighter hours compared to how busy the shop usually was when the sun was still shining. Your shift ended after an eternity and you began your walk home, once again feeling more alone than usual. You shuffled your feet and picked up your pace as you went on your way and tried to ignore anything else that was going on around you.

“Please don’t hurt me!” But how could anyone ignore that. Your head whipped to the sight across the street. A large man stood in front of a much smaller woman, he was holding a large knife out in front of him and she was doing the same with a purse. You didn’t have to think twice before you ran to the other side of the street and a bit further into the dark alley where the scene was taking place.

“Hey!” You called out, both of thme turned their heads in your direction. “Don’t you know Queens has been getting dangerous recently? It’s not safe to walk home alone at night!” The man laughed out loud and turned in your direction. You made eye contact with the lady and smiled slightly at her as the man continued to walk towards you. It wasn’t until he was only five or six feet away from you that you started taking steps away from him trying to get him as far away from her as possible.

“You mean like you are?” He spoke suddenly and smirked. The sudden realization hit you, you didn’t have protection right now. Spider man wasn’t around to keep you safe which meant that you had just thoroughly fucked yourself over. You looked back at the woman and nodded your head at her.

“Run!” You yelled at her as the man lunged towards you with the knife. You jumped back and stumbled over yourself before tripping and falling. A sharp pain shot through your upper arm and you put your hand where the pain was, your hand seemed to make the pain worse so you pulled it away quickly. The street was dark but a few of the lights from the small empty restaurants behind you aided you in your vision, and the sight you saw didn’t make you feel at ease. Your hand was covered in blood, and a decent amount of it you. You continued to crawl backwards away from him using your legs to push you and your good arm to help keep you upright. The man lunged at you again and you squinted your eyes, preparing for the worst.

But the worst never came, all you heard was a loud thug and a pained grunt from who you assumed was your assailant. You kept your eyes shut though all of the yelling and small yet sharp noises, your hands flew over your ears as well and you ignored the throbbing in your arm that only seemed to get worse with the movement. What was probably only minutes seemed like hours as you sat on the ground just outside the small dark alley, but it ended eventually. Two large hands wrapped around your hands and pulled them away from your ears. You flinched at first but when your eyes shot open and looked up you instantly relaxed a little bit. You chuckled a bit to what you assumed was his amusement and opened your mouth to speak.

“It’s good to finally meet you Mr. Spiderman.”

You found yourself sitting on top of a tall apartment building across from the hero. The lights from nearby buildings making it easier to see, however not all too easy. You had pulled the sweatshirt off of your body and you sat in a thin t shirt, it was cold out and you shivered at any wind. He tried to make keep the sweatshirt on at least half of your body, however you ultimately won the argument and ended up taking the entire sweatshirt off. You did seriously regret it though. The streets were especially cold this late at night, but being as high up as you were made it even worse. You had also tried to convince him to just patch you up on the street, but that was an argument that you couldn’t win.

You looked at him with an intensity that you didn’t ever think your eyes could hold. Where had he been? Did he ever really leave you or were you just too oblivious to see him? Every single question you had sat uncomfortably in your mouth, ready to be asked. But for some reason you just couldn’t ask, you couldn’t bring yourself to initiate any sort of conversation with him. He pulled a bottle of water and a package of gauze pads out of a grocery store bag. He also insisted that he was the one who grabbed everything needed for cleaning your wounds. You could only imagine the faces of the people in the store as the spiderman walked in and bought medical supplize. You would never know though, he dropped you off on top of the building before his supply run.

He opened the box of gauze and pulled out a few of the small packages, you tried to reach for the water bottle so that you could open it but he smacked your hand away before you could reach it. You pulled both of your hands back and put them up, another wave of throbbing pain shot through your arm ar the sudden movement and you winced. His hand was wrapped around your wrist within the blink of an eye in order to stop any sudden movement.

“Don’t move.” He said, a deep grumbling voice disguised whatever his real voice sounded like. You were angry at him for that, he knew so much more about you than you knew about him. However, you doubted that voicing your concern would do anything about it. He pulled your wrist down slowly and pulled you a bit closer to him gently. He let go of your arm and opened the water bottle, then pouring some over the gauze pad. “This is probably going to hurt a bit sorry.” He said before grabbing your arm a bit gentler than the first time around.

“That would sound a lot more sincere if you didn’t have that voice thing.” You scoffed, he tilted his head to the side at that comment. You could only imagine that look on his face underneath those squinted white eyes. You laughed a bit at how the suit could change eye shape, the eyes softened when you laughed and his shoulders relaxed slightly. “How am I even supposed to trust you if I don’t know who you are?”

“You’ll know someday.” He wiped the gauze over the injury and you hissed at the contact. He pulled back a bit at the sound. “I’m sorry. I think I failed health class when we learned all of this.” The speech was rushed but the apology still seemed sincere underneath the artificial voice. He looked at you again, you nodded and prepared yourself for the pain. It hurt but not as bad as the first time around, he was definitely being more gentle than he was the first time. It took a solid twenty minutes for him to figure out how he was actually supposed to clean and wrap the wound, but he did a pretty good job overall. You threw the slightly bloodied sweatshirt back over yourself once you finished. The sleeve was still slightly wet and you mentally cursed at how you had ruined the sweatshirt. You pulled the hood of the sweatshirt off of your head and opened your mouth to tell spider man something, but when you looked up you found him standing by the edge of the building. You turned your body slightly and looked over the city, still keeping your distance from the ledge.

“Felix would hate this.” You said. He looked over his shoulder at you and made what you assumed was eye contact. “He’s my best friend. He’s terrified of heights.”

“He’s not afraid of heights.” He quickly spoke back and kicked one foot lightly over the edge of the building, an act that shook you to your core. You scoffed at the comment.

“What do you know him or something?” You asked. He didn’t answer at first, only turning his head away from you and back to the skyline.

“Better than you think.” He said so quiet that you almost couldn’t hear it, you assumed that he didn’t mean for you to hear it so you didn’t say anything back. You both sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, nothing needed to be said and you enjoyed it. You only ever shared moments like this with Felix, it felt reminiscent of one of those moments. You hadn’t had one of those moments with him in a while, so you enjoyed the one with Spiderman as much as you could. The silence was only broken as you realized how truly cold you were. It was a nice moment while it lasted, but you needed a jacket.

“You know I would probably be enjoying this a bit more if I weren’t also afraid of heights.” You stood up and wiped your hands off on your pants, ignoring the dull throbbing in your arm. You thought you heard a small chuckle from spiderman, but you brushed it off. He still stood on the edge, the tips of his feet hung slightly over the side. He muttered something and started to turn around to look at you.

“What’s so bad about hei-“ Mid-turn his left foot slipped off of the side of the building. You heard a small yell as he disappears from your sight behind the ledge. You gasped and ran to where he previously stood, almost losing your footing and falling off the building yourself. You stopped just before you could see over the side of the building and mentally prepared yourself for what you might be about to witness. Your knees hit the hard material of the roof and you bent over slightly, wrapping your hands around the ledge in the process. You cautiously moved your head over the side of the ledge. He stood on the side of the building fully vertical, a web coming from his right hand and attaching to a spot just below the ledge. You could have sworn that he was smiling, but the mask and lack of light made it impossible to tell. An annoyed expression formed on your face at the sight.

“Aww you do care.” He teased, you rolled your eyes and smiled a bit in response. You sat back on your feet right next to the ledge and he pulled himself up to sit right next to you. He hung his feet over the ledge and leaned back on his hands. He looked over his shoulder at you for a few seconds before once again turning back to the city. You stood up and walked closer to the middle of the building before shouting out to him.

“Come on. I should probably be getting home soon.” You put your right hand on the handle to the door that lead into the apartment building and started to twist it, you opened it slightly before a red hand slammed the door shut. You looked to your right and there stood Spiderman, he shook his head when you made eye contact.

“Nope, we take my way home.” He grabbed your right hand and walked towards the ledge, fear filled every part of your body and your muscles stiffened. He looked back to you once he made it to the ledge, the fear in your eyes must have been apparent to him. He pulled you a bit closer and grabbed your hands then wrapping them around his neck. “I’m gonna keep you safe alright. Just hold on tight.” He walked the two of you a bit closer to the edge, you breathed deeply. He wrapped his left arm around your waist which definitely did not help with your breathing situation, you wrapped your arms around his neck a bit tighter and dug your head into the crook of his neck.

“I trust you.” You said quietly but ou hoped he heard you. He chuckled and the close embrace let you feel the laugh before healing it. It sounded familiar and comfortable, you could get used to that sound.

“I know you do.” He said as he jumped off the edge of the building.

The next few weeks after you met Spiderman were some of the most comfortable you ever had. Felix seemed a bit better rested, and you thanked the heavens every time you saw him smile. A real genuine smile wasn’t something that you saw from Felix very often, so whenever it did happen it felt almost as if the heavens were thanking you instead. You had also started seeing spiderman more often, which was something that you definitely weren't’ against. Sometimes he would swing by your work, literally. It would always happen late at night when there were no people around, and he would quickly swing past the front of the shop so that you got a quick look at him. It was enough to know that he was okay and you were forever grateful that he thought about your poor heart.

The notes were still showing up as well, sometimes they found their way into your backpack which confused you to no end. You knew that he was sneaky but you didn’t know that it was to that extent. Sometimes the notes were even accompanied by other presents, they were usually small though. Simple things like a cup of coffee or a breakfast sandwich from a coffee shop close by. A full bouquet of flowers though, that was no small present.

You stood at your locker and stared at the flowers for what was probably far too long. Red roses wrapped at the stem with white lace, you took a step towards them and pulled the note apart from the rest of the bouquet.

‘Red roses, cliché right? You probably don’t have any place for these but I couldn’t risk dropping them off at the end of school and having someone seeing me. I hope you understand. And that you like the flowers!’

You sighed at the note, slightly upset that he couldn’t give them to you himself. But you understood that with that you would also want him to do it without the suit, and you didn’t know if he was ready for that yet. Sure it tore you apart inside that you still didn’t know who he was but you couldn’t just force him to do it. You had to be patient, but that seemed like the most unfair part about all of this. He held all of the control in this situation, of course you could retaliate somehow. You could stop reading the notes, let them all just fall to the floor like you did with the first one. Hell you even could have left those flowers there, but you weren’t heartless. You pealed the boquet off of your locker carefully as to not break any of the flowers.

“Fancy, he left you flowers.” Felix leaned his left shoulder against the lockers to your left as you continued to struggle with the boquet. “Kinda cliché though.”

“I like cliché.” You responded. You were finally able to pull the flowers off the locker after a minute or two of trying and that was when you were really able to admire them. A few chunks of loose web might have still been stuck to them, but they were still pretty. You turned to Felix and smiled, he didn’t smile back but he still looked content and that was good enough for you. Felix walked you to first and second period that day, just as he did every day. You were happy with the way your life was panning out, it seemed as if nothing could ever bring you down.

What a silly little thought that was.

The very next day you walked to your locker to grab your books and the note. The people passing by could only imagine everything you felt as you found a locker without a note, you tried to shake off all of the thoughts and feelings that were running through you and continue with your day. That couldn’t mean much could it? You grabbed your books and ignored all of the curious conversations about you that had once again become quiet. You rushed to first period and walked into your class, you didn’t want to wait for Felix at your locker that day. To your surprise you sat in class alone that day, Felix never showed. It wasn’t like him to not show up and to not give an explanation as to why he wasn’t there.

Your next three days went the exact same way. No Felix, no note, no Spiderman, no sense of normalcy. Felix hadn’t even bothered to call and tell you why he wasn’t around, ever text you sent him went unread and every call unanswered. On the fourth day without Felix you decided to take matters into your own hands. Felix didn’t live far from you, so you sent him a text message that you were going over there and you walked to him place.

The walk was cold and scary. You knew spiderman wasn’t out there this time to protect you, which was the most difficult part of any walk you took. You didn’t feel safe again until you stood in front of Felix’s apartment door. You knocked a few times, you were even surprised at how loud the knocks sounded. You reasoned that it was probably all of the feelings that you bottled up being taken out subconsciously, but you knew that it was just because you really wanted someone to answer the door. The door opened a few seconds later, Aunt May opened the door with a smile but it softened the second she saw you.

“Hi Y/n, how are you?” She asked kindly, you always liked Aunt may. She was like a second mother to you and this apartment was like a second home.

“I’m doing good. Is Felix here? I need to talk to him.” May’s facial expressions grew sad at your question. You knew where this was headed right away. She stepped outside with you and closed the door slightly.

“Y/n, I don’t know if right now would be the best time for that.” She spoke quietly, almost as if she didn’t want him to hear that you were there. You grew even more frustrated at her words, it definitely wasn’t the best time for an argument though so you tried to calm yourself down.

“Aunt May please.” You pleaded with her, she looked even more upset as you spoke. But you still couldn’t stop yourself from accusing her. “Why don’t you want me to see him.” May put her hands on your shoulders and rubbed them slightly after that comment. She shook her head at you and tried to smile.

“It’s not that I don’t want him to see you. If anything I think that’s exactly what he needs.” She stopped speaking for a few seconds and contemplated the next words that would come out of her mouth. “He just doesn’t want to see you Y/n.” You stepped away from Aunt May’s the second that the words finished leaving her mouth, if it was even possible she looked more upset at your action. Tears filled your eyes and you tried to keep yourself from crying. Aunt may kept speaking but you didn’t hear any of it, you didn’t understand any of it. You took a deep breath in and spoke again.

“You know just tell him to text me or something. We started a new unit in math and I don’t want him to fall behind.” You made up some stupid reason for him to contact you and walked as quickly as you could from that stupid apartment. Aunt May called after you but you ignored her, you didn’t feel like talking anymore. You sprinted home from the apartment, not out of fear but because you wanted to get as far away from Felix as humanly possible.

You locked yourself in your room that night and into the next day. You told your parents that you just weren’t feeling very well, at least it wasn’t a complete lie. Truthfully though, you had never felt worse. It seemed ridiculous to be upset over things like this, but it was the only way that you could feel in the moment. It just seemed so much more different now that you weren’t getting the notes, and ow that spiderman wasn’t giving you some sense of comfort as you walked home at night. It especially felt different now that Felix wasn’t talking to you or even acknowledging your existence. Any sense of what was normal had been ripped out from underneath you, that was what was most difficult to cope with. So you decided not to cope, and you sat in your room for two whole days.

You ignored any texts from your friends, and you ignored and knocks at your door from your parents. It was so easy to ignore people, you had almost understood why Felix did it. But that didn’t mean you forgave him, especially because he hadn’t contacted you yet let alone said sorry for ignoring you. You missed him. More than you had ever missed anyone before. You missed his smiles, his voice and laugh. You desperately wanted to be able to talk to him again, in any way possible. But there was only so much that you could do, the rest was up to him. So you waited for him. You cried and in the small periods of time when you weren’t crying you slept. That was your new normal for those two days. And then in one of those small periods you where you used to sleep he finally broke the silence. It was a text at 6am, of course he couldn’t realize he wanted to talk to you in a few hours after you got some sleep.

‘Can you meet me on the roof of that ugly apartment building on First Street?’

You laughed quietly at the text, it was the first time that entire week that you felt any real joy. You sent him a quick text that you were on you way and snuck out through the fire escape outside your window. The entire way there you felt a bit more comfortable, the feeling reminds you of the times when you knew spiderman was following you but you knew that he wasn’t. Your legs couldn’t carry you there fast enough, but you were so sleep deprived that running wasn’t an option. When you finally did arrive you tried your hardest to make it up to the roof as quietly as possible, which meant that it took even longer to get up there. But as you opened that stupid grey door and saw Felix it somehow all seemed worth it.

He stood at the edge of the building with the tops of is feet hanging over the sides. He had that familiar grey sweater on and the hood up, he wasn’t facing you, but you could already feel the tension in the air. You stepped out onto the roof and the door slammed loudly behind you, Felix turned around at the sound. He thanked every higher power in that moment that the sun was just coming up behind him so you couldn’t see his face yet, he knew you wouldn’t like what you saw. He took only a few steps away from the ledge of the building towards you, but he kept his distance still.

Any positive feelings left your body for a few seconds as you remembered what he put you through. There’s was only a burning anger in you at that moment, the urge to cry was so much strong that it was that night in front of his apartment. But this time, you didn’t hold back your tears.

“Start talking.” You snapped at him. Felix didn’t expect you to sound so weak, nor did he expect to feel so weak himself. “Where have you been? I’ve tried to text and call you, I even went over to your place but Aunt May said that you didn’t want to see me. Why didn’t you want to see me?” He walked even closer to you while you yelled at him, you would be lying if you said that you thought he didn’t deserve your anger. He left you alone with no reason for an entire week. He eventually got within about two feet of you, and he tried to take a step closer but you took a step back. That was one of the most painful things that he had ever experienced.

“I’m sorry,” He started, his voice was quiet and sad. You had only seen this side of him a few sides. You hated seeing it though, and you wanted to get rid of it as quick as possible. “I should have answered your calls, or told you what was wrong. I should have been honest with you from the start, but I wasn’t and I’m so sorry for that.” He took a few steps closer to you, you didn’t take any steps back this time. Your eyes started to adjust to the lack of light, and you wished they hadn’t. The two cuts on his face from before couldn’t hold a candle to what he looked like in that moment. A dark purple bruise sat on his left cheek, deep cuts were littered across his face, and his lip was busted open. You stepped closer to him and your hands went up to his face, every ounce of anger left you and you just felt guilty. How did you let this happen to him?

“I’m sorry Felix.” The apology came out as nothing but a whisper and more tears started to leave your eyes. Felix brought his thumbs to your cheeks and wiped the tears away.

“Do not apologize to me. You didn’t do this.” He said sternly before continuing his earlier monologue. “I didn’t tell you what was going on and I let you worry about me. Believe me I wanted to tell you everything so badly. I had planned to tell you on Monday but something went down on Sunday and I was pretty much bedridden for a few days. Aunt May’s orders, of course.” The two of you laughed, you could have only imagine how terrified Aunt May would have been when she saw Felix like this. You knew it was probably worse though, you got chills at the thought that Felix could have been hurt worse than what you saw before you.

“What happened on Sunday?” Felix opened his mouth to say something but then quickly shut it again. There was no doubt in your mind that he was going to tell you that it wasn’t important. However he realized that he had to start being honest with you, so he took a few more seconds and tried to choose words that wouldn’t make you as upset.

“I was doing my normal rounds and I saw these guys robbing the bank across the street from your convenience store. I went in to stop them but there were a few more people than I could handle and I kinda got my ass beat.” He laughed at the story as if it was actually funny, but you were horrified by it. You pulled your hands off his cheeks and held onto his hands that were still attached to your face.

“Why the hell were you trying to stop a bank robbery on your own? You idiot. You should have called the cops or something.” You punched his left shoulder, not very hard but enough to make a point and then pulled both of your hand off of his. He studied your worried expression for a while before pulling his hands off of your face and reaching into the pocket of his black sweatpants. @lets-talk-about-kpop

“That’s what I wanted to tell you about on Monday.” He pulled a small piece of old white notebook paper out of his pocket and held it in his palm for a while, the two of you stared at it intensely. “I had this weird dilemma after Sunday. I just felt so guilt that I wanted you in my life, especially with how dangerous it can get sometimes.” He made eye contact with you and continued. “I don’t want you to get hurt because I really love you.” A blush crept its way to your cheeks and a warm feeling spread throughout your entire body.

“Felix I love you too but what the hell are you talking about?” You might have been happy and in love but that didn’t stop you from being confused. He smiled brightly again, the split lip making it a bit more difficult and painful but he dealt with it for the moment. He lifted the white paper in front of your face and you grabbed it out of his hands. You looked back up at him then unfolded the paper.

‘Good luck on your math test today! Don’t worry about the web on your locker, it should dissolve in a few hours’

The whole world stopped turning for a few moments, your eyes grew wide at the note. It seemed like there was no way that Felix would be able to drop off a note every morning without anyone catching him. So you thought about it for a bit longer, and you played with the idea in your mind. And suddenly, everything just made so much sense. He knew what you got on your sandwiches and how you liked your coffee. There was also no doubt in your mind that Felix would do something as cliché as leave a full bouquet of roses on your locker for everyone in the school to see. You looked back up at Felix and giggled like a child. It was funny to you that only an hour ago you were completely broken over him. But in that moment everything seemed perfect. You took a step closer to Felix, now only inches away from him. The sun gave the roof a bit more light as it slowly rose. The two of you became engulfed in an orange glow.

“I guess I do take up all of your time then don’t I?” Felix let out a real and genuine laugh at your teasing; it was so nice to hear him laughing again. He put both of his hands on your waist and pulled you right against him, smiles adorned both of your faces.

“When you said you loved me earlier, that wasn’t platonic right?” Felix asked you, he seemed genuinely confused at your confession. You just laughed at him and pushed the hood off of his head before wrapping your arms around his neck. “I love your laugh.” His lips were on yours the second he finished his sentence, it felt normal and so natural to you. You scolded yourself mentally for not doing this sooner. You wanted to scold him for not confessing sooner, but you pushed it aside and let yourself get engulfed by the kiss. His lips were as soft as you had imagined them to be, and you tried your best not to irritate the cut on his lips but you guessed that he didn’t really care. He squeezed your waist lightly before moving his hands down to your hips. He was taking it slow, but you didn’t mind. You unwrapped your arms from his neck and placed your hands on the sides of his neck instead. You felt a thin material covering his skin so you pulled away with a confused expression on your face.

“What is this?” You asked Felix. Your fingers played with the edges of the blue and red spandex that stuck out of the collar of his sweatshirt. Your eyebrows relaxed as you made eye contact with him again, another one of those blinding smiles was staring right back at you. You decided in that moment that you could get used to everything exactly how it was.

“You know Y/N,” Felix rubbed his hands lightly at the sides of your hips. “I am the Spiderman after all.”

#Here she is #PLEASE don't let this flop lol #IM ANXIOOOOUUUUUUS #I dont know what to tag this with so be patient with me please #stray kids #stray kids scenarios #stray kids imagines #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst #lee felix #stray kids felix #felix scenario #lee felix scenario #felix flull #felix angst #lee felix fanfic #masterlist #straykidznet

832 notes · View notes