#i really can. and i can already imagine the onslaught of emotions ill experience at that point as well.

[nartml]

nothing in my life has ever made me feel 'where'd all the time go, it's starting to fly' as deep in my bones as haikyuu has

[puppyenergy]

What do you think of resonance within the DID community? For example, a well known system had a major integration and within the same week like twenty+ systems also had a major integration whereas the general consensus on and understanding of integration had been completely different the previous week

Hi anon! This is an awesome question. I have a lot of thoughts on this topic. So much, actually, this ended up being an extremely long post. Sorry for the big chunk of everyone’s dash I just took up here.

I don’t necessarily think looking solely at the DID community is the right answer here. I think to find the answer as to why this sort of phenomenon happens, you have to look at social media influencers. I’m not the most knowledgeable person about this kind of stuff, but lately I’ve been watching a lot of videos about how influencers can impact their audience.

Influencers actually become influencers because they have formed an emotional connection with their fans. They are essentially a celebrity to their audience’s eyes, but as an influencer, there is an emotional connection with the audience so they don’t feel as distant as real celebrities do. The audience might relate to them on a personal level and feel like the influencer understands them even if they haven’t actually met. This all establishes a position of power for the influencer over the audience.

In some videos I watched, I learned how influencers can easily manipulate their own audience; whether they intend for it or not. I watched how some influencers would feel like someone had wronged them, then would outright ask their fans to attack that person. As a result, all the fans would harass this person. However, more often I’d see influencers who didn’t outright ask their fans to attack someone. But they wouldn’t say “I don’t condone harassment, do not attack anyone.” And as a result, their fans still attacked the person who had “wronged” them.

There’s multiple reasons that factor into why stuff like this happens. Things such as the audience member’s age, what the situation itself was, how the influencer presented it, what kind of information they revealed about the other person, etc. People might feel like they love their favorite influencer so much they just want to help them, or they might want to help ‘cancel’ the person who wronged them so the influencer notices them, or they might just be pissed off that someone they care about has been wronged, or they might feel like the influencer was ‘subtly’ telling them to attack the person even if they didn’t outright say it. But either way, the situation was brought to their computer screen.

It really gave a lot of perspective into how some people miss the memo when they go from just a person on the internet to social media influencer, and they end up hurting not only themself but also so many others. Being an influencer is being a role model. To give a bit of personal perspective: Even though I think this is in no way comparable to youtube, I had a sideblog where I put more trauma-related content and vent art on. But suddenly it got 5k+ followers out of nowhere and it no longer felt like a personal diary to me. I suddenly realized that was 5k+ people (presumably also trauma survivors) that I was now effecting, and I did NOT want to put anti-recovery or unhealthy shit on their dash. I was now a role model to them, so I shifted all the content on that blog to pro-recovery and I started posting all my vents to a private blog.

In the long run, it actually felt a lot healthier for myself, as well.

So now what happens if the social media influencer makes their content around DID? Obviously, people with DID are going to be the majority of their fanbase, but it’s a bit more complicated than that. Because the DID/OSDD community is a minority group. We fit under the umbrella of disability, and the even smaller umbrella of mental illness, and the even tinier umbrella of DID/OSDD. Now imagine being an influencer for that tiny tiny umbrella.

In my honest opinion, I feel like the impact influencers have on this community is much stronger in a way where it even effects people who aren’t fans of this influencer. Sometimes, it pretty much effects the entire online DID/OSDD community- which I have seen happen many times before.

To give a non-personal example, I saw when the community took a shift towards obsessively trying to call out “fake systems” within the community, because there was a very popular and well-respected blog at the time who started airing their opinions on why they believed it was okay to doubt the legitimacy of other people’s disorders. They started posting “criteria” for “system faking” and posting things about Imitative DID. Obviously, it caused a huge panic within the community, and a lot of denial. Then, there was an onslaught of witchhunting/callout blogs created after it.

I feel like I’ve even been the result of some changes, myself.

Sometimes posts of mine have gotten popular and have been repeated by more popular influencers. Then, immediately, I had seen a shift in how the online community behaved. Knowing that I could even just make a post and an influencer could see it and decide to make a video based on it is a lot to take in. That’s a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. What if someone decided to make a video on something misinformed or harmful? What if I was misinformed or harmful and I didn’t know it?

But then when I compared it to how I treated my sideblog, I realized that this responsibility was actually essential to how I should’ve been treating my posts about DID/OSDD in the first place. You should be careful about what you say about these incredibly vulnerable and stigmatized disorders, even if you have one of them. It’s something that needs to be treated with the sensitivity that it deserves. People with DID/OSDD need to be treated with the sensitivity that they deserve. And, for some reason, we are just so, so hard on ourselves, our disorder, and on each other.

But I’m talking about social media influencers as if they’re a bad thing. I don’t think they’re a bad thing. Nothing is ever black or white.

There’s so much good that can and has come out of what DID/OSDD influencers have done. For example, awareness and education about DID/OSDD is finally starting to become more accessible and known. People have this space where they can realize that they’re not alone and that their experiences are real and valid. People can be encouraged to known when they need help and how to seek help. Singlets finally can learn what DID/OSDD looks like for one person, and even if it doesn’t look like that for everyone, at least they have a real life example instead of just a horror movie or bad writing as their only knowledge of this disorder. It can also insight professionals to take DID/OSDD more seriously, or even encourage more research and support for their disorders. It can lessen stigma and misconceptions.

So why is it if a DID/OSDD influencer says they’ve had an integration, then so many people in the community start to say they’re having integrations as well? Here’s my personal thoughts on this.

I actually think the people in the online DID/OSDD community are essentially primed to always try to "know” and label what they’re experiencing, even if they’re wrong. I think this happens because of a combination of how denial screws with us, how the internet treats disabled people, and peer pressure within the DID/OSDD community. So, if you take how social media influencers influence their audience, and you also add all of that shit, I think it’s pretty normal for a bunch of people to suddenly say they’re integrating as well after their favorite influencer integrated.

Sometimes they’re wrong and just using a label that makes the most sense to them based on what they’ve seen or learned. Sometimes they’re right and they’ve finally discovered the term for what they’re going through. Sometimes they’re just so attached to what they watched or read that they might actually perceive it to be happening to themself too. Sometimes they were already experiencing this and the influencer gave them the courage to speak out about their own experiences as well. Or maybe it was all just a coincidence.

Imo, none of that is bad. It’s not bad to try and figure out what you’re experiencing. It’s not bad to be wrong about what you’re experiencing. No one is obligated to figure these things out or put words to them, but a lot of people want to try. It’s normal to make mistakes along the way. DID is already so confusing and there’s also so much misinformation about it floating around as well. No one is at fault for being victim to misinformation. What matters is that you educate yourself and you own up to and apologize for any harm you might have done while you were misinformed.

Anyways, sorry this post was so long lol sdkglhskdg. I hope at least some of it made sense. I have a lot more thoughts about this topic but this post is just way too long now, I don’t want to keep you for any longer. If you read all of it: thanks! you’re one cool cucumber!

[erinvanzyl-blog]

Beyond Illusions

My battle with fear & anxiety began in August of 2014, just a handful of weeks after I got married to my best friend and high school sweetheart. I had been suffering with pain in my stomach (which I later learned was from a parasite) and was in the early stages of visiting doctors to discover the cause. Everything else in life was humming along. My business was doing well, my children settling into their new routine and Ash and I were enjoying making a home together. We both put on some weight (early marriage bliss definitely to blame) and life was exciting.

Then...

11th August 2014, I woke to breaking news of Robin Williams suicide. My heart sank and felt like it was wrenched apart. He was a familiar face, someone I had been a massive fan of all my life. Memories from childhood of popcorn, movies & laughter; his hilarious persona, warmth and friendly face. It stayed with me for days. I thought about it constantly and couldn’t seem to shake it. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief over someone I didn’t know but felt a connection to. I thought to myself “how could he feel so miserable’, ‘how could he take his own life’, ‘how did people not know and come to his aid’. To be completely honest, this was the first time in my life where I thought about the reality of death. I found myself so deeply and profoundly touched by this tragic event. I had never really been here before, at this level of pondering the meaning of life and dying.

I started to think about death from the moment I woke and could hardly sleep at night. I thought about the plane that went missing earlier in the year. I kept my eyes on all the news. Little William Tyrell went missing and all of a sudden I was surrounded by all the horrific things that were taking place around the world. I started having panic attacks and night sweats out of my control. Frozen with fear. I felt anxious about everything. Driving down the Wakehurst Parkway had now become a nightmare and filled me with dread. I noticed every tribute and cross placed along the road where there had been fatalities. The panic inside me was so real and so dominating. I dwelled on how people had died and how their families must have felt and I would get completely overcome with worry about my children. I was so gripped by fear, I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Small daily tasks felt heavy and overbearing. I didn’t know how to cope. My health was up in the air and I didn’t want to go there, I didn’t want to know what was wrong. I was so afraid that I was terminally ill as that was my frame of mind and a scenario I had already constructed in my head. My world felt like it was crumbling around me. My honeymoon to NZ was around the corner. I felt more and more anxious and more and more paralysed by fear as the date got closer. I was going to be leaving my kids for 6 long days. The smallest details about the trip bothered me. I pulled up the flight path on my maps at least 10 times a day to look at the journey over the ocean. Why did it have to be a 3 hour flight? What if our flight went missing? What if I never saw my kids again. It was all too consuming.

Ash had been supporting me the best way he could. He was super encouraging and really tried to understand but when I looked at him, I knew, he didn’t get it. How could he. I could not share the extent to which the fear had gripped me. I had to tell him that it was impossible for me to go on the honeymoon. At last a tiny moment - a deeper fear that outweighed the storm I was facing - a fear of upsetting or disappointing him. He said he understood and that we could take the trip at another time but as I looked into my partners eyes, I faced a minute glimpse of reality. I was more afraid of hurting him.

Having never gone through anything like this before, I decided to open up and talk about it with my mum. After letting it all out and hearing myself talk about it, I felt more at ease. She too, shared a time when she had had a similar experience of fear when she had to leave us in South Africa when she had to fly to Australia to check it out before we immigrated.This made me feel worlds better about the trip. Enough to call Ash and say that we would definitely go. She expressed that what had helped her was prayer and knowing that fear was a spiritual attack. 

My nightmare was far from over. Facing the almost unbearable torture that was my mind, I got to New Zealand, trembling the whole way. I remember thinking as we landed ‘ok so I didn’t die on the way here, maybe I’ll die on the way back!’ Much of the trip is a blur and as much as I hate to admit it to my husband, a horrible experience that was endured from start to finish in terror regardless of the most beautiful surroundings. We were road tripping from the top to the bottom of the South Island over 5 days and every time I got in the car, I was petrified. I won’t go into how tough the whole trip was as you can already imagine. I was losing the fight against my thoughts. No matter how hard I fought, with what felt like vengeance, they hounded me further. On our final day, we were travelling to our last destination before flying home when we were stopped by police only to hear that there had been a fatality on the road just ahead and we were redirected. A young female tourist had been speeding and had lost control of her vehicle. I don’t have to tell you what a mess I became. This was now a war and I was on a battlefield.

The flight home was agony. My head was screaming ‘you are going to die’ ‘you are never going to see your family again’ all the way!!!! We experienced turbulence which resulted in a longer flight time and I can tell you that in those moments, I wanted to die to escape the panic. We didn’t hear from the captain to let us know that we were behind schedule so in my mind, I had already created a whole scene and decided we were going missing, the pilot was taking us far out to sea and that was that. We were going to be another MH370.

Ash comforted me as much as humanly possible. I still don’t know how he was so chill.

When we landed all I could think about was seeing my kids faces. I had survived and all I wanted to do was hold them.

The onslaught of torment continued. I’ll fast forward to the Martin Place siege in December. Well, apart from it being the most horrible thing to witness (I was glued to the television all day) my two brothers were working within a few hundred metres of the building where the siege took place. Just a bit too close to home. Just one more traumatic event that stays with me even now.

I wanted to draw a picture for you with real stories and examples of how anxiety and fear can spiral out of control and come out of, what seems, nowhere. Pinpointing exactly or being 100% certain about the initial development of the fear & anxiety for people who suffer with it can be very difficult. There are many triggers. Mainly physical and emotional trauma. Looking at my circumstances at the time and on reflection, I believe I know how it all unravelled. My body was under immense physical stress with sickness that I was yet to know about and I had unresolved emotions about a previous traumatic relationship. These underlying issues, I feel must have played a part. The sadness that came from learning about the death of a great man was enough to tip me over the edge and caused a reaction. Our mind is so powerful and we only have to lose control over our thoughts for a small amount of time for it to run away with us captive to it.

Healing my mind only commenced when I decided I had had enough and that I wasn’t going to let this thing beat me. I remember having to say it to myself. Like ‘that is enough Erin, you are tougher than this.’

That was honestly my first step forward. My second step was writing about it which became it’s own kind of therapy. When I wrote about it and read it out aloud, it seemed so silly and far fetched, almost like I was reading about someone else. It dawned on me how it had evolved and how I had allowed myself without really knowing it at the time, to get carried away with these ugly thoughts. I had made choices to watch tv, listen to news and create in my mind, a reality of darkness and gloom. Looking at it from a distance really helped me see it in the light. Writing about it saved me and spun me in a different direction. It allowed me to breathe again and opened a tiny gateway, a space for new thinking. Little by little, I started to feel myself again. I wrote and wrote until the big yucky things in my mind became so small on paper. I had to write that I accepted the fact that I was not in control of my fate or the fate of loved ones. I had to come to terms with the fact that horrific things happen in the world and I can’t change that.

I was faced with mortality and the terrible truths of life and decided I was going to be okay with it all. I realised I had grown even further (down a road of healing and toward recovery) for having been through this ‘attack’ and saw that the healing process from my previous relationship with a psychopath was still underway (Mind matters). I decided I was going to learn from this experience and knew in my heart that there was a reason, that I was going to get to really understand the importance of and how powerful my mind, my thoughts, the way I perceive myself and my self worth are in making or breaking me. And now I do. I trust me to be in charge of my mind and take control of my thoughts when they are not serving me. I have continued to study and learn about the mind and our ability to transform our thinking and therefore, our emotions. I recognised that this battlefield of my mind was preparation for the next one I was going to face. The journey of restoring my health.

[angdmack]

Tough Days These Have Been

I haven’t been at this blogging thing all that long, and already, I had to take a small break. The last couple of weeks have been overwhelming. I had just written about attending a funeral of the oldest member of my home church only to deal with the death of one of the dearest people of my heart recently. She was a mother, a grandmother, an elder, a teacher, a whole lot of woman to me and her death has sunk my heart low. I have been so numb lately it’s been hard to hold my head up. On top of that, Hurricane Harvey has devastated South Texas and I have a lot of family and loved ones there. I have some nuclear family that managed to evacuate and are staying with some in-laws for the few weeks, but some of my other people were not so fortunate and are there. The flooding is unimaginable and reminiscent of Katrina, which affected my husband’s NOLA and LA people over a decade ago. In a matter of weeks, I have experienced both great highs and lows and the roller coaster of emotion is a bit much for me to bear.

In the midst of all that has been going on, I have also been ill. Way to go life! I have been dealing with the onslaught of health issues that are not readily going away. Talk about feeling old now! These issues have caused me to slow down and really, be still in a time where all I want to do is buzz around and take my mind off the added grief that has come with losing someone who meant the world to me. My house is already dealing with fresh grief because right before 2016 ended I lost my mother-in-law. There are no words to describe that as a daughter-in-law. I can’t begin to imagine what my husband is and has been feeling and going through because both of my parents are still alive. I don’t know what it’s like to experience the death of a child, a parent, a sibling, or a spouse, so I can’t even begin to comprehend what a lot of my own family and those closest to me have experienced. But I do know what it’s like to experience loss, and I do know what it’s like to walk alongside people in the worst parts of their lives. I hurt for the ones I love. I hurt for the ones that have passed away. I hurt for the ones who are going through unimaginable pain losing homes and property and livelihood. I hurt because I care. I hurt because when someone I love is hurting, I share in their pain as best as I can.

So, I am trying to handle what’s in front of me. I am dealing with being ill, I’m checking up on family and loved ones that have been flooded out, and I am trying to take each day as it comes as I deal with new normal of people I love not being here. The irony? The funeral I went to was the last time I saw the woman who just recently passed. She called me shortly after that and we talked and talked and talked. She asked about how my husband was handling his own grief and she made sure to tell me she loved me. Since my mother-in-law’s passing, she has been one of the very few people to be intentional to check up on me and my husband. Wow. I had no idea she would be gone. I had no idea that she was saying goodbye. I had no idea how tough these days were going to be. I have no idea how tough they will be either. No idea…