#i really am new at this so if it doesn't resonate i'll know to do more practice before offering again

[aruanimess]

Round three, of me endlessly yapping on Reverse AU. I am still VERY new to this.. tumblr asking, notes and whatnot, so.. I apologise if I seem somewhat annoying and bothersome Anyway, less 'bout me, more on blondes! I'm going to try spitballing a few ideas there and there, because I don't have ONE big topic/arc to really focus on, so here we go!

1; Armin being captured after his identity is figured out. There are.. three way's of this going, in my opinion. >First, being that they managed to successfully take him down into the tunnels to capture him, possibly after some convincing by Annie, since he trusts her a lot? (Plus, if Armin sticks around to around S3 when they're all in that Cabin, hiding away from the Military Police and all. I think Annie and Armin would be.. somewhat awkward, between each other. Since, she cares for him, a lot and.. betrayed him.) >Second, same scene where his identity is discovered and remains at the top of the staircase, but more or less breaks down because he doesn't know what is right anymore, he cares for his new found friends, the thought of betraying them crushes his heart, so he gives up and surrenders peacefully. >Third, transforms and makes a run for the walls to dip, which could ALSO go multiple ways, but.. I don't really have much on that. 2; Warriors Reveal, though Armin is now in the midst of it. I cannot see Armin ever betraying Paradis Island and trying to capture Eren (a second time, mind you), now that Reiner decided to reveal their identites to the same bloke he tried capturing too - yikes. Armin could very well try making them surrender, in a subtle way so the situation doesn't escalate, nor turn his own comrades against him. So, he tricks them and everyone. Transforming along the other two to capture Eren, only to fight Reiner along with Eren but obviously ending in failure with Bert's Titan crushing them. On one hand, I think Bert would try getting Armin, though Reiner is too focused on the mission, he ditches Armin and makes a run for it.

3; Armin still gets captured by the Opaki, though he saves Annie from being the one to be captured by it. As fun and simple it would be if she was the one to be yoinked, so they couldn't use the power of the Colossal and rescue her, I decided to go differently with this. While Armin does end up getting captured, he isn't terrified that he can't protect his people, that they need him, without him he'll die. No, he's accepting his fate. They have Annie, they can still blow up the Doomsday Titan and they'll all be fine, he may die but will die at least doing something right for them, finally doing something useful after betraying his friends, and putting his life down on the line, as their Commander.

(I also agree he'd still be the next Commander that Hange would put the title upon, so.. it sorta means a lot, like he finally is one of them in some way? - I dunno, spitballing!) But, ahaa.. Yeah, that isn't happening. Annie is not letting that blonde go, despite they have a clear winning shot here, she is not about to let him die. Not now, there is still more to be said to him, with how she feels. So, the mission of saving Armin is once more! AND, to end it off, I like to think he'd still be suicidal and jump for the Parasite to hold it down along with Reiner, even if there's a chance of him dying from the Colossal's explosion.

I apologise having to read this entire shit-show of ideas in your inbox, I doubt I'll do more to not seem too big of a yapper, but we'll see! I hope everything is going well for you, have a wonderful day/night! Now, I depart. Toodles!

Hello, Rux!!

Please, never apologize for sending an ask! I absolutely love hearing your ideas and I’m very happy to know the reverse AU still resonates with people :D

Okay, now let’s see:

1. I do prefer the second scenario in the staircase scene. Armin at this point has nothing waiting for him back in Marley and as a character he generally prefers ending conflicts with talking rather than fighting so I believe he’d rather strike a deal and resolve this through diplomacy. 

2. Now for the Warriors reveal… we do have to consider that this scene occurs very soon after Armin’s own reveal. Like it’s all happening within three days tops. There’s always the possibility that he’s too busy getting interrogated within an inch of his life to even attend these events. 

Personally, I’m more curious as to whether Reiner and Bertolt would attempt to convince Zeke to launch an operation to “rescue” Armin at that point, or write him off as a lost cause. I think there’s potential for drama and bitterness in both cases. In the first scenario, you have a Reiner who fought to save Armin getting betrayed by someone he considered his friend, while in the second scenario, you have an Armin even more estranged by his peers in Marley, sad and disappointed they never even cared for him. 

3. Here you’re gonna have to forgive me, because I respectfully disagree.

While Armin and Annie would absolutely act the way you described in the event of Armin getting captured by the Okapi Titan, I don’t see why the Founder Ymir would bother to kidnap him. In canon, she only does so because he’s the Colossus and is the only one with the power to stop Eren. So I’m afraid that our girl Annie would have to be the one getting choked by that tongue… (well that was a sentence I’d never thought I’d write xD)

As for the Commander part… I don’t know. On one hand, I do see how meaningful such a gesture would be from Hange, accepting Armin as one of their own wholeheartedly. On the other hand, the idea of an outsider coming in to “save” the Paradisians from their plight and lead them to the truth makes me feel kind of uncomfortable. 

Personally, because I’m a useless bisexual with a one track mind, I’d love to see how Commander Annie could work. At the very least I’d like to consider the possibility of her assuming a leadership role. She’s not an out of the box thinker like Armin in canon, but she is very practical and very decisive when it comes to battle. In another world, raised alongside Eren and Mikasa and not as confined by her father and her circumstances, I can see her developing a keen eye for solutions, maybe not outrageous strategies, but clean simple yet effective and devastating in their consequences plans. She’s ruthless, she’s perceptive and she’s willing to give up her life to achieve her means.

Honestly? I’d love to see it explored.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

.

[laguezze]

PAC: A letter you're meant to receive

I'm baaaaack~ (kinda) (pretty casually, life's been tough)

As always here are the rules:

Minors DNI

Don't take everything to heart, this is a general reading! Take what resonates!

It's honest, I don't sugarcoat. If you're not liking what you read, keep scrolling! It may not be for you or you may not be ready for that message yet!

Let's take a look at the piles!!!

Pile 1

Pile 2

Pile 3

Let's go!

Pile 1

Signs this may be for you: unicorn, South Korea , the letter S, Squirrels, Love, Skydiving, birthday, anniversary, 12, 6, 16, 2006, 2001, 2026, 1970s, Billie Eilish, John Lennon, glasses.

Dear ____,

How could you think I'm not proud of you? How could you think that minor thing you did would erase all the love I feel for you? It doesn't. I don't think anything can at this point. You're human, you're allowed to make mistakes. And while I do still think you need help, you're still doing your best, even though you don't feel like it. You're trying and I see that. You're wonderful and magical and although your light is dimmed at the moment, I know there's a bright sun under that blanket of darkness you're currently holding over your head. Everything will be ok. Have you ever not gotten a resolution to your conflict? Trust me. You're going to be fine. Let yourself be, enjoy the people around you, breathe. Treat your life like you treat your dreams. Be as excited as you can. You're alive! And while you are not responsible for this darkness that has been placed upon you, you are the only one that can take it off. I understand it's difficult, but you can do it. You're tired of fighting, but you're not just anyone. You're a legend. Legends don't have it easy. Go get them.

Pile 2

Signs this may be for you: Harry Styles, Fashion school, blood drives, nurse, 😜, smoke, laughter, blonde, blue eyes, "that boy is mine", 0%, Rihanna, water, rain, Hawaii, Jumping, Rave, Cindy, the letter C, N, and A. Numbers 5, 8, and 30, AMANDA.

Hello, it's been a while.

How are you?

This is awkward, you probably didn't expect to hear from me. I have been okay, I honestly can't stop thinking about us and how it ended. It pains me to think that you left with the impression that I didn't care. I do. I did. I just want to let you know that in another life, maybe we should try again. I don't have much to say, I'm not sure why I feel so compelled to tell you this. It's so basic. I'm being channeled right now (ok aware) and it's weird because it shouldn't be this deep but I really wanted to come through and say sorry. And say that I know you miss me and I do too. And one day we will reunite and we might be able to show our love then. Sorry it ended that way. Sorry that was the last you knew of me. I think of you each day, I dream of you each night.

Pile 3

Signs this may be for you: YES GIRL, happy, cheerful, spaghetti, squash, "I'm allergic", ibuprofen, love is in the air, matchmaker, fruits, VSCO, musically, Harmony, dating apps, Jenna, Lisa, "I stan", Twitter account, laughs, pigs, 25, 23, 2022, 2001, 2000, Beyonce.

Wow, am I impressed with you,

Not only are you grown and beautiful, you're also such a good person. I'm immensely proud of you. You're doing exactly what you need to, you're living life to the fullest and I am here for it. Remember our trips to the beach? I miss you. You should call more often. I love that you're meeting new people and having fun but sometimes I need to see you and hear from you. Please call me from time to time. I know I may seem clingy, but I just miss your presence. I also don't know when I'll actually see you next, you've become so unexpected and exciting. I love you, that's why I need to hear from you. Tell me everything, I'll listen. I'm here for you and I want what's best. Come back from time to time. Please. That's the only thing I ask of you at this time. I can't say this to you normally, you'd get uncomfortable. But please listen and take this opportunity. Let's talk more often! I wanna be part of your life again! 🥰

Hope it resonates! 💕

[justajsworkshop]

I'm the anon who wanted to cry. This is silly but I'll still ask-

HOW do I actually manifest? I've been going through your posts because they resonate so much and I know I'm god. But as someone who likes having directions (Ik you mentioned that you didn't like them), how would I go about say, manifesting appearance changes.

Sorry, please don't hate me (insert cute cat gif)

if you're asking how, you've skipped step one: be still, and know that i am god. i know you said "i know i'm god," but i think you accept that conceptually on an intellectual level without truly understanding what that means. because if you did, you wouldn't have to ask how, though i can certainly sympathize with the logical, linear mind that wants that answer.

as god, you are all things. you are all possibilities. all realities. all things that could ever exist, and all these moments exist as pure potential everywhere all at once. it's when we put our awareness on one of these potentials/moments and claim it as ours that it becomes, well, ours.

techniques do not manifest. methods do not manifest. step by step guides do not manifest. you manifest. you only need to be aware of being that which you desire to be to manifest.

it's not about how. it's not about when. it's not about what to do. we manifest who and what we are conscious of being, so i ask you: are you aware of being your desired self with your desired appearance?

if not, become aware of them. affirm it. imagine it. decide it. choose it. continue to bring that version of self to your awareness (putting your attention on that desired outcome) and decide: "i am that i am; i am the i am who has my desired appearance/desired relationship/desired wealth/desired health/desired life!"

the actual words or imaginal vividness is not important, and remember that imagining is just remembering and remembering is imagining. so you only need to imagine as vividly as you remember.

god already said yes to all your desires by giving your I AM awareness: your ability to become aware of all things and possibilities via what neville goddard called your "wonderful human imagination." so, the divine mind doesn't need the repetition; you do.

continue to bring that desired self into your awareness and claim it as yours/claim them as you. it's done the moment you say it is so. when you notice yourself putting your awareness on the old self by repeating the old narrative or otherwise implying you're not your desired self, just gently redirect yourself back to the new narrative and claim it again.

we're persisting in a story no matter what. manifestation is just consciously choosing the one you persist in.

recognize that physical reality isn't an entity separate from you. as the physicist john wheeler said, there is no out there out there. more on what that means here from a quantum physics perspective. but really, you are reality. the narrative you tell about yourself, who you are, and everything around you is reality. there's no separation.

and this is what we mean by "everything is you pushed out." everything is god pushed out because physical reality is literally dependent on your narrative (awareness) of being.

manifesting is just choosing what that narrative is.

[chantiying]

You have a new message, would you accept it?

How to choose? Take a deep breath, close your eyes, think about that/those person/people you have something inconclusive with (if you can't think about anyone it's ok, dw) then choose the image that calls to you better

1 2 3

Before to start, sorry for any mistakes or grammar error. English is not my first language

Remember tarot is not set on stone and you can change your path whenever you want. This is for entertainment purposes

This reading is general so if it doesn't resonate with you just let it go

Option 1

I know you're still upset about the way all of this happened. I know you don't understand why I had to go away. You think I let you alone and I didn't really care about it. I know you think I was selfish all I did was look out for my own good. I know you keep blaming me for the things I did to our family. I know that, even if I say to you my reasons they are still just excuses to your ears. I needed to walk away, I was tired. It was the best, it was fair. I had to understand who am I, I had to mature but it doesn't matter anymore, does it?

I'll be back, any moment. I know that hearing that scars you a lot, I know it bothers you "go back?" "For what?" "To destroy all the the life I built in your absence?" Yeah, I break your heart, I was the person you trusted the most , I broke our little world, I broke us, and you are still afraid of trusting in me again, but could you give me another chance? Take your time to respond my petition. I promise I'll understand if you don't want to see me again, but I'm serious about that I want to make things work for us this time.

For some of you, this could be a male figure in your family.

Two more messages for you.

Take a rest, honey. You don't have to be the one who is always fixing everything. The solution for the pain you're feeling right now is not overexerting yourself. Don't worry, things gonna be ok.

This could be from someone who passed away.

The last message could be an ex lover

Something that ended because of people talking in your back, hidden secrets that came to light. Tbh, I feel that this person don't have any interest in fix anything. Maybe they are happy that all of that happened and the way it all ended.

Additional information.

I feel like in this pile there's a lot of young energy. Maybe that person was too young or the separation occurred when both of you where young or you were young when all of this happened.

I feel that for some of you the root of all your failed relationships is because of the message of the first person

Maybe you've been suffering from sore throat or neck pain and I feel that it could be because you don't know have to express your emotions. It's ok to cry and scream, if you feel like crying, just do it, everything will be alright, ok?

Option 2

I feel like this person is upset or mad. Probably the relationship ended because of an argument. One of you was not in their best moment (maybe one of you passed or is passing through depression or anxiety)

I had to go, it was for the better. This, the thing we had it had neither head nor foot. I do accept we had a lot of good memories, you were my sun, but it doesn't mean we were meant to be. Do you know what? Sometimes, when I think about us, the first memories that came to my mind are those where I felt tied to you. We were going to nowhere. We had different paths, different dreams, different goals. I actually think we share the blame in this one, and, I still blame you for the kind of love you gave to me. It was too suffocating. It was like when you water a flower, you know what I mean? You were drowning me. I needed to make a decision, the better for me, and I don't regret doing it

This could be a past friendship

This is another message it could be from a female figure.

Don't be silly. You need to be less immature and spoiled. Will you realize at some point that you are being your own worst enemy? I know you're thinking about me like a killjoy or like i'm bitter, but my only wish is for you to open your eyes and put your feet on the ground. Do you remember when you were happy only with what you had? Do you remember when you played with all your friends and relatives? Do you remember all the scenarios you imagined and all of those were easy to resolve just with laughs and superpowers? I want you to be that little kid again. I want to hear your laugh until your belly hurts. I want you to be more kind with yourself and with the others. I want you to let go whatever its making you feel bad. I want you to start dancing by your own, my love.

Some of you have a nickname inspired on nature "sun" "bunny" "peach" "twinkle" or you have a name related to flowers or stars.

I feel like some of you either are emotionally unstable or feel a little too much.

Maybe you are fan of Taylor Swift and like the rain

Option 3

I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for being the villain of your story. I feel so sorry for stealing your confidence. I'm so sorry because I know I'm the reason of your nightmares/insomnia. I'm sorry you don't feel good enough and all of that is my fault. It's horrible to be the person who hurt the one who most loved me. You were my wish came true. You were the madness I needed to keep me sane, it doesn't make sense, does it? I could have done better, I know. I'd have done better to give you all the things you deserve. I guess it's too late to own up to my mistakes. Now I've lost you

I don't want you to forgive me (maybe I do want to) I want to tell you that I love the person you are now. All of that is because of YOU. I just destroyed you. You had to pass through a lot. Sometimes I wish I could talk to you. Would you give me an opportunity? All the fights, all the arguments, all the screaming and crying. I'm so sorry, I'm really really sorry. I know I took you away from me. If it's worth it, I also wake up at night thinking I could have done better

I love you, I always have

I don't want to wreck your plans. I don't want to turn your world upside down. Am I being greedy for saying that I miss you? I know I'm the king of victimized myself, I'm aware of that. I'll try to change for better, even if it doesn't matter anymore. I have what I deserve and I hope you get what you deserve for loving someone who didn't know how to love you in return

This could be an ex lover but it could be a person who took "care" of you when you were a child too

Let your inner child to heal. Play with them, enjoy and do the things you want to do but you don't do for fear of being judged

I have a plan for you! What if you choose some animated movies, cartoons you liked when you were a child and enjoy your evening watching them?

You're so brave and strong, I admire you, keep going

I feel like you have a good taste on music

This is my first reading, hope you all like it

Alic (Chanty) 🪽

[gravityglitch-blog]

Even though it only has two episodes so far, watching "The Amazing Digital Circus" has been an experience. You can tell right away that there's something deeper going on with the story and characters. When watching something new, I know I'll be sticking around when I find myself attaching to a character.

For me, this happened first with Ragatha, because of her immediate kindness to a terrified newcomer.

(And of course, because I had a childhood rag doll very much like her. My "little rag dolly" was a good friend and guardian against the dark, back in the day.)

I also liked Pomni. I could feel her character's fear and confusion. And while these are often shown as her primary traits, I think there's more to her than that.

She did try to help Ragatha when she was glitching after encountering the abstracted Kaufmo. I know that she did abandon her search for help to pursue an exit, but I see this more as an act of confusion and desperation to escape what she still thought was a terrible nightmare, rather than an act of cowardice. Ragatha even forgives her in the following episode.

Potential spoilers from here

In-universe, only a day has passed between episodes. But I think Pomni is already showing character growth, as shown in her interactions with Gummigoo.

As an "enemy" in this Candy Kingdom adventure, she could fear him. As an NPC, she could ignore him entirely. But she doesn't. When she sees him hurting, she reaches out.

And this is the scene that made me love Pomni. Chaos hasn't destroyed her good heart. These lines really resonated with me. I often feel like I am nothing. On my worst days, I even believe it.

It means the world when a kind person reaches out to say, "you are not nothing."

By now, most of us know what happens in the episode from here. (Still angry about that Thanos-snap.) I know it's foolish to wish for a happy ending in an existential horror story, but I do think that Pomni could eventually bring renewed hope to the others trapped in the Circus. Maybe, just maybe, she'll even be the one to find the way out.

Thank you if you've read this far. This is just me rambling about a couple of new favorite characters in a story I'm still trying to understand. I do like the other characters, too, and maybe will write about them soon.

I'll also add this, because Ragatha's dainty little princess-run is just too cute

[forabeatofadrum]

El WooWoo Wednesday to y'all. It's been a while since I kicked one of these off, but here I am.

Also, I just posted one of those "Female character poll" polls, so if you're reading this, feel free to vote on it!

A while ago I got a comment on Isolation, a fic from the Dancin' on that bamboo ceiling series, a series that explores adoption and the Asian representation on Glee. After all, that was at time, uh, questionable. Isolation in particular is about the comments Tina and Yu-Jin (OC) get about adoption and this commenter said it resonated with them. On a whim, I decided to reread the entire series and this night, instead of sleeping, a new topic for a fic in this series came to me: names.

This takes place after Tina and Mike started dating.

Mike's mother Julia is an incredibly kind woman and Tina's nerves about meeting Mike's family fly out of the window. "So glad to meet you, Tina," she says warmly as she shakes Tina's hand, "Mike has said so much about you." "All good things, I hope," Tina says back. It's such a cliché line, but she still wants to impress Julia. "Of course, of course," Julia's smile widens, "Mike told me and my husband about how you met in Glee club and then got close on the Asian forum." "Well. We even went to Asian camp together," Tina says through gritted teeth. She still doesn't really understand why her parents sent her to Asian camp. Julia nods happily and then turns to Mike. She says something in Chinese to him and Mike groans, but smile. "Ma!" he says. "I say how it is," Julia continues, and then says another Chinese word that Tina obviously doesn't understand. Mike says something back in Chinese, which makes Julia laugh. "Oh, clever boy. I go to the kitchen now, okay? I made snacks for Tina!" Julia bids them farewell and Tina follows Mike to the living room. "Do I wanna know?" she jokes. Mike sighs. "Ah well, I always know something's up when my mother uses my Chinese name," he says, "But luckily, it was all good. She complimented you." Chinese name?

Ah, Asian camp.

I have A Lot more to say about names, identity, racism in the Glee fandom about this thing, and what not, so I'll put it under a cut.

That being said, I would ideally have some help here. If you speak/read Korean, could you help me out with the hangul of Yu-Jin's name (유진) and Tina's Korean name (Min Ji, 민지)? And also, if you are Asian and you have a Western name on top of your Asian name, like Mike in this snippet, could I ask you some questions?

Anyway, more musings and explanations on those questions under the cut.

The names of the characters that are central to this series are Tina Cohen-Chang, Yu-Jin Danvers, Blaine Anderson, Mike Chang and Wes Montgomery. That's an interesting bunch and lately, in real life, the whole idea of names and identity has come up a lot, cause most of my friends are trans, lol. We have this inside joke that, even though I am cis, I very much am part of the club of "people who use a name not given by their parents", since due to adoption, my parents never named me.

Someone asked me if I wanted to share my feelings about the fact that some adopted parents change the names of the children they adopt. I will delve more into that in this fic when it comes ot Yu-Jin and Tina, since Tina's name was probably changed, but I chose to give Yu-Jin, who is an OC, a Korean name. (Yu-Jin isn't a self-insert, since we differ a lot, but I'd be lying if I told you I didn't base Yu-Jin's name on my own.)

And well, names are powerful. Not only in mythology, but also when it comes to identity. And I realised that all character in this fic, apart from Yu-Jin, use a Western name: Mike, Wes, Tina and Blaine. So this fic idea started forming in my head, since there is a very interesting conversation to be had here.

So as I said, this chapter (or maybe multi-chapter installment) will be about their names.

Yu-Jin and Tina's story will be about the aforementioned discussion, since that has happened several times in my life and I have thoughts. I chose Min Ji as Tina's name pre-adoption, since that is Jenna Ushkowitz's pre-adoption name. I am lazy, I know. That being said, I might change it, since I also made the choice in this fic to not have the characters be exact copies of the actors who play them, which is why Harry's Puerto Rican heritage isn't part of Mike's character and Blaine's dad is Filipino, not his mom. I do like Min Ji, though. It sounds nice.

Anyway, The reason I'd like some help here is because I have zero (0) knowledge of the Korean language, so I have no clue is Yu-Jin and Min Ji also have a meaning in their hangul. If so, I could maybe use that for the fic. Heck, I don't even know if Min Ji is a surname only, or if it's a combination of a first and last name. Again, I'd like some help.

Wes and Mike have Chinese parents, so I am taking a wild guess here and say that they have Chinese names on their passports. That's because basically every Dutch-Chinese person with Chinese parents I know has this. Honestly, apart from adopted Chinese people, I only know Chinese people here under a "Dutch" name. (Although I do know one that has started using her Chinese name in daily life at the age of 27.)

The thing is that I do not fall into that category, obviously, which is why I'd like to hear some thoughts on it. In my life, I've always experienced Chinese names as a secret within the family. My other Dutch-Chinese classmates would go great lenghts to keep their Chinese names hidden. If people were to ask for their Chinese name, they would refuse to say it. I never understood the secrecy, so if someone would "let me in on the secret", I'd appreciate it. I mean, for this chapter I am using a cop-out by having Tina's POV be the POV on Mike's name, and Tina doesn't understand it either, but I would like to give truth to Mike's part of the story.

I could take the Radio Silence route, where Daniel consiously decided to not use Dae-Sun anymore, due to racism. We'll see.

Next, Wes. In canon, Wes's last name is Montgomery.

(EDIT: lol it's not, it is a big fanon name and the mandela effect got me.)

In this series, the explanation for this is that his parents changed their last name when moving to America, in order to better their chances in the job market and what not. This is based on Chloe Bennet, an American actress who once Tweeted that the reason she uses Bennet professionally is "not because I hate being Asian, but because America is racist" (paraphrased here by me, so the exact wording might be a bit off), since her name is actually Chloé Wang, (or Wāng Kěyíng if you will, which ties back to Mike's story). For Wes's story, I'd like to go back to the moment Wes first tells Mike and Tina this story on the forum.

(Side-note, in Myosotis series, Wes's middle name is Xiùlán (秀兰), which is not canon. Maybe I'll bring it back. I am aware it's a feminine name, though.)

And then we have our boy Blaine Devon Anderson. In this fic, I made the wild switch and made his dad Filipino, since again, we're working with canon here and his mum is portrayed by Gina Gershon. (Cooper is also biologically Pam's child, since yes, they're half-brothers here in this fic to explain why Cooper is white.) This raises the question of whether his dad already had the name Anderson, or whether they took the Jake Long American Dragon approach and the husband and kids took the wife's name, which is a reasonable explanation, but I also portray his dad as a conversative man.

That being said, the thing that came back from a deep, buried memory is... ah... fun times... the time people insisted Blaine, as a character, couldn't be a person of colour, because Blaine Anderson was a rich name.

Yeah.

The big rebuttal to that was obviously the fact that richness got immediately equated with whiteness, and that there are many other reasons that could've let to Blaine being named this way, but yeah, this was a thing. God, being in the fandom when Gina Gershon was cast was not a fun moment. The amount of "opinion pieces" I've had to see that basically were long rants on whether Blaine couldn't be Asian was kinda shit. (Shout out to the person who didn't want Blaine to be a person of colour, cause they're a person of colour and they hated Blaine, and they couldn't deal with the fact that they'd be hating a fellow person of colour.)

So anyway, I kinda wanna do something with his part about how assumption are made based on his name, especially coupled with his appearance. Wes Montgomery will still be clocked as Asian, Blaine not. (Darren actually had a very interesting conversation about being white passing with KAYE on her Golden Hour podcast.)

And that's the plan, folks!

There's obviously one big issue looming over me when it comes to names: the Cohen-Chang of it all. I've explained away other things, like Wes's name and Blaine's family situation, but ever since I came up with this series in 2017, Tina's last name being Cohen-Chang has loomed over this series. So far, I've been just ignoring it, but if I am doing a chapter on names... maybe it will come back to haunt me. There is in my eyes no great explanation why Tina's white family has the last name Cohen-Chang.

Since I am very adamant about working within canon, I cannot change it. Heck, the whole point of this series is giving the shitty canon representation of its Asian characters a place. Hence my dig at Asian camp in the snippet.

Well, okay, there have been explanations. Someone once suggested that maybe Tina's family is mixed as well and that would work, since we never meet her parents in canon, so nothing in canon contradicts me. It does contradict literally every other aspect of Tina in this series, since Tina's story focuses on transnational adoption, especially the story of a Korean girl in a white family. I admit I hadn't thought of this when I started this series, and I am afraid I am too far gone to find a way to add it. We can maybe go back even further in Tina's family tree and add an explanation there.

Another explanation, which is what I initially came up with, was that Tina's parents also changed their last name in order to make Tina feel welcome. But here is the thing: why Chang? It is seen as a Chinese surname. I am aware it can also be a romanisation of the Korean last name 장, but again, Glee canon presents it as a Chinese name. I think it is also pronounced differently in Korean, but again, I don't know shit about Korean. Jenna herself has mentioned in the podcast that it bothered her that Tina was given the same Chinese name as Mike since she's not Chinese (and Kevin was also shocked to hear the show never acknowledged that she is Korean). I wrote Tina's parents as being very sensitive about Tina's Korean heritage, so it would go against my fic to have them make this mistake. Again, I could pretend they used Chang as 장, since even though Glee did imply it to be the Chinese 常, it is never actually stated in the show, but hmmmm. Not only that, but 장 is more commonly romanisised as Jang.

Again, if I weren't limited to canon, I would change it. I have changed Tina's name to Cohen-Choi in my unpublished Sense8 fanfic, but in that fanfic, she isn't adopted and I changed multiple characters (shout out to Blaine Sotto and Brittany S. Pearson). Of course, since Glee canon itself is blurry, there is some freedom, but that freedom has limits as well.

Or maybe, again, I keep ignoring the Cohen-Chang of it all.

Well. That's my musings. If you're still reading this, hi!!! Have a puppy:

And now, the weather: @quizasvivamos @coffeegleek @caramelcoffeeaddict @raenestee @tectonicduck 

@nightimedreamersworld @urban-sith @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @bookish-bogwitch @confused-bi-queer

@that-disabled-princess @special-bc-ur-part-of-it @larkral @cutestkilla​ @wellbelesbian​

@artsyunderstudy​ @facewithoutheart​ @shrekgogurt @rockitmans @bitbybitwrites 

@whatevertheweather @shame-is-a-wasted-emotion @esilher @kurtsascot @blackberrysummerblog 

@nightimedreamersghost @ivelovedhimthroughworse @thnxforknowingme @martsonmars @snarkyhag

[viii-the-strength]

Weekly reading!

This time I thought about making it pick a pile style. I felt very tuned in when I was shuffling and getting the cards so I chose them for all the groups at the same time and then looked and read them. That means that each group has no repeated cards. Sadly I had to rewrite some parts because the app worked terribly and I was writing everything in a draft. Next time I'll definitely do it in the notes or a doc.

This is the first time I do this so I am improvising and going with the flow, I don't know if next week I will do it like this or not. I still used the cards as always though, tarot and then A Yogic Path (chakra, ayurveda and yoga).

Here are my other readings!

To pick a pile please take a deep breath first and tune in with yourself. Please don't do it in a rush, in class, your job, etc. If you are curious save it for later when you can truly connect with your highest self. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. When you open them don't think too much about it and pick a crystal. You can pick more than one. Take what resonates and leave what doesn't. Journal about how the reading made you feel.

Now let's take a look!! (alt: 1 red jasper 2 tiger eye 3 clear quartz)

Pile 1

Cards: 9 of Swords reversed, XXI The World, Ace of Pentacles, 2 of Pentacles. Ajna reversed, Vata, Pranayama reversed.

You recovered from hardship or accepted something hard, a truth or a situation. You could have accepted help too, a hard thing to do sometimes.

Either way after the difficult times you are having your moment. The World is a beautiful card, the last one of the major arcana. You completed the journey and feel fulfilled. Maybe you finally got recognition.

Now another adventure begins, the ace of pentacles indicates that that beginning is about money. It could be a new business, some investments or maybe just abundance and monetary security. Perhaps the hardships mentioned before were related to money too.

Remember you can balance your work life and personal life though, don't prioritize your job because you had a hard time with money. Trust the abundance of your life right now. It doesn't mean don't be careful with your money, just put you and your wellbeing first.

Don't doubt your intuition, when something doesn't feel right keep it in mind. "Before making a decision, tune into your body. What is it telling you?" Pick your body cues. The more you practice this the more align you will be with your third eye chakra and intuition.

The Vata card is asking you to let your ideas flourish, but remember to also anchor them with action, so visions can manifest into reality. Don't leave your ideas just in your mind. (If you have any ideas related to business or money remember the Ace of Pentacles, now it's the time).

"Whenever things seem to be moving too quickly for words, come back to your breath". Remember to take pranayama out of the mat too, our breath is always there to support us. This reminds me of the 2 of Pentacles, find the balance. If you don't practice yoga I recommend looking for some pranayama videos!

Pile 2

Cards: XIII Death, Knight of Swords reversed, 3 of Swords reversed, King of Wands reversed. Manipura reversed, Kapha reversed, Niyamas.

Death is scary but it means evolution and metamorphosis. A loss is an opportunity to change but it is normal to feel sad and grief the past.

You can overcome this though. Seek help if you need to, you don't have to go through a hard time alone. Take time to process the situation.

You may feel like there's a weird atmosphere around you this week or that there's something wrong with you. A lack of harmony, volatility, rudeness...

Your solar plexus chakra may be blocked, making you feel unsure about what you really want. "Take some time apart from others, especially those who are trying to direct your path, and figure out who you are outside of everyone else." This ties with the King of Wands reversed and that weird atmosphere I talked about. You need some distance. "You need to unlearn all that you learnt", go to new places, try new things. Remember the Death card? This is a new you.

The Kapha card in reverse makes me think that maybe you needed this change. Perhaps you got too comfortable where you were. "Try something out of the box. See bigger dreams for yourself. Let go of habits that are no longer serving you, such as emotional eating or looking back into the past. Replace refined carbs, sugar, and dairy with bitter vegetables, tart fruit, and rich spices. It's time to shed your old skin and reemerge as your highest self and fullest expression".

I will leave you now with the Niyamas page (alt after the pic). Beautiful transformational energy in this group.

[Alt: NIYAMAS. Eight stages of yoga: laws of personal observance. You are beginning to reap the rewards of the inner transformational work you have done. This is just the beginning of a life-long practice of personal observance. Tune into what your soul needs at this moment. Are there toxins in your body and mind that need sauca, purity? Are you experiencing contentment, santosa, for all the blessings you have been given? Are you using your tapas, disciplined energy, to take you toward your Dharma, divine purpose? Continue the practice of svadhyaya, self-study. There is always more that you'll find when you open up the pathway to your true spirit. Take some extra time for yourself each day to practice isvara pranidhana, the celebration and contemplation of spirit.]

Pile 3

Cards: III The Empress, XVIII The Moon, 4 of Wands reversed, King of Swords, 8 of Swords reversed. Anahata reversed, Tamas reversed, Asana reversed.

First I have to say that I don't like reading The Moon as the opposite of The Sun. I don't think it is a card about melancholy, anguish and insecurity (at least when it's not reversed). To me it is about tapping into your intuition and seeing what you didn't before. Also you got one more card because they just came out like that jsjsj. Okay now we can get into your reading group 3!!

I think right now you are being asked to step into your feminine energy (this energy lives within everyone regardless of gender, also I may add that I do not like the "divine feminine" bs). You can flow with creativity, accomplish your goals, go into a time of abundance. But for that you need to be more in touch with the femininity in yourself.

The Moon is also a very feminine card, but this one is more about intuition and spirituality. Maybe this is what you need; understanding your intent, realising the cycles and patterns within your life, self-study. See the path that was hidden once.

This can bring a bit of self-doubt or gloom though. Sometimes things are easier when we are unaware. The 4 of Wands is also about family so with it being reversed it makes me think that perhaps you can discover something about your family that makes you look at them differently. It can also just be that you live away from them and miss them. Maybe they also are not spiritual or even are against spiritual practices (tarot, wicca, yoga, astrology....)?

The King of Swords may be asking you for a bit of structure and self-discipline in your life. This goes hand in hand with tamas and asana in reverse, but we will see that late

The 8 of swords is about being caught up in your own insecurities. Maybe it was your family making you insecure, you went through a heartbreak, or it was a moment of self-doubt but you are beginning to heal. Take a stand and be strong.

I'm really getting spiritual awakening from this pile. But first you have to work through some emotional blockages, let's see what the anahata reverse has for you (alt after the pic):

[Alt: Anahata. Heart chakra. Reverse. A heartbreak is holding you back from your truth, and the time has come to forgive. Your heart carries an intelligence, and when you close your heart, you are not able to operate as your full self. To follow your path, it is essential to heal the old wounds of the heart. Repeat the mantra, "Please forgive me. I forgive you. I thank you. I love you." Repeat these words using the names of every person who needs love, forgiveness, and gratitude. Each heartbreak carries a divine spiritual lesson, and you can hold onto the lesson while letting go of the pain. Honor the soul contract for what it taught you, and pave the way open for your heart to love again. Practice tantric eye-gazing and meditating on the heart-space, and spend time in green nature.]

This block explains why you may feel stuck, hence why tamas reversed is here: "You seem not to have the energy that you used to and feel like the fire within you has been put out [...] My dear, you have been in the cocoon for too long, and you've forgotten you have wings. Create movement and novelty in your life. Practice sun salutations upon waking, take long walks in nature, clean up your house. Let go of all tamasic foods those that are packaged, fried, or full of sugar and refined flour. It takes effort to get the wheels moving at first, but once you make that push, you'll be in effortless flow, kriya".

Following this it is obvious you are asked to take it to the mat too. "The mind has been in control for far too long and it will never answer the questions of your soul's calling. To talk to the spirit, you must talk to its home, the body. The solutions are not outside of yourself, they're in this very temple you abide in. Through movement and breath, you create space between the inhales and the exhales to discover your truth. The mind will tell you stories until the end of time-the body cannot. If it's been a while since you've done an asana, yoga practice, consider this is a request from the spirit reminding you to come back home to yourself".

If you do not practice yoga consider starting or continuing with a physical activity you like, but I think it is better if it is mindful (like pilates, tai chi, even running).

I hope it was useful!!! Don't forget to keep coming to this lecture during the week. Please let me know if it resonated 🩷 I hope this served you in any way.

[lolotr]

fanfic author 20 questions!

I am late to the party, but i was tagged by @shadowquill17, thanks my love <3 <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

51

2. What’s your total AO3 wordcount?

162,166 total words! Not too shabby

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I've written for a bunch of fandoms, but these days it's mostly Dead Boy Detectives. in theory i have other fandoms, but none that i'm so feral for at the moment

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

all of them are DBD which is kind of astonishing to me, this fandom never ceases to amaze 1. after the insects have laid their claim 2. like breathing 3. terms of endearment 4. a certain step towards falling in love 5. you can throw a party full of everyone you know

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes, every single one, no matter how old the fic is! i might be a little slow or miss one every so often, but i really try hard to respond to every one i get. comments mean the absolute world to me, so i want to thank everyone who takes time out of their day to tell me they enjoyed my work <3 <3 i also LOVE when fanfic writers respond to me, so i assume other people do, too

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i am an angst with a happy ending sort of bitch, but probably one of the fics i wrote during the Nothing Much To Do Radio Silence (TM) when we were all losing our minds with no updates. haven't read those in forever, so maybe Something to Do, Someone to Blame? or maybe it isn't cinema that i wrote for Nothing Like the Sun? or maybe Tropes for Keleidotrope?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

gosh, so many. again, i write mostly happy ending stuff, so it's hard to pick just one. maybe my fourth favorite public building to visit, if i had to pick one that hasn't been mentioned already. though after the insects have laid their claim has a VERY happy and corny ending that i will forever be proud of haha

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no, thank goodness

9. Do you write smut?

yeah! i'm new to it, but it's a lot of fun

10. Do you write crossovers?

not usually, but i'll stick characters from one universe into a similar universe because something resonates (like Heartstopper Squared or The Quest of the Maddening Mace), but i don't usually write characters meeting or anything like that.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of! *fingers crossed*

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no, but if anyone wants to do so, just make sure to tag me in it and go right ahead!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yeah! i have stuff in progress (that we haven't worked on in a while sorry @courfaeriedust) but i've also definitely written collabs that i've published, i think?

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Charles and Edwin from Dead Boy Detectives have such a special place in my heart, and I really hope this hyperfixation doesn't go anywhere, but in terms of pure longevity? Merlin and Arthur from BBC Merlin. I've been reading that shit for a decade. Special shoutout to Alex and Henry from Red, White, and Royal Blue, and Drew and Harrison from Keleidotrope, because I'm still insane about you all too, don't worry.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

THAT IS QUITTER TALK AND I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT. but to give a kind of cutesie answer, i'm not sure i'll ever be done with the libraryverse. there's so much story there, and i keep having ideas for it, so maybe i'll be able to keep playing in it forever. that would be kind of nice.

16. What are your writing strengths?

why are you making me say nice things about myself. why. overall, i think i'm good at dialogue. i actually wrote a whole manuscript in instant messages because i love writing dialogue so much. i'm pretty good at getting into characters' voices, whether they're my own or someone else's, and i find a lot of joy in writing everything from banter to flirting to meaningful conversations (but some of those are easier than others lol)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

action, descriptions, things that aren't dialogue. i also tend to keep my writing kind of short, so i don't always allow for moments to breathe the way they should.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

woooooof the only other language i speak is hebrew (and not amazingly well) so probably not. if i ever got good enough at another language, maybe? but english is my first and by far my strongest language, so I don't think i'd ever be able to express myself well

19. First fandom you wrote for?

as far as i remember, Lord of the Rings. (no you will never find it.)

20. Favorite fics you’ve written?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE, THEY'RE ALL MY CHILDREN. how about this, you tell ME what your fave stories of mine are, because im tired of linking things. and because i thrive on praise lol

i am too lazy to tag people specifically, so anyone who writes fic is welcome to answer!

[floralcrematorium]

If you could rewrite any character who would it be and why?

Thanks for the ask!

Probably Ukraine and Belarus and it's purely due to how they're hardly ever seen outside of interactions with Russia and how they were treated by old fandom. I don't think this is an uncommon sentiment. I also have no knowledge about either nation's histories (aside from very basic research about Ukraine in the 20th century as well as vyshyvanka embroidery for fic writing), but their characters don't. sit. right with me.

I know I'm asking for a lot when the whole concept of the show is "stereotypes personified" and when I don't really have a say considering I am neither Ukrainian or Belarusian, but having the "crybaby" and the "obsessed" characters show up only to talk about Russia doesn't. sit right.

I am interested in their characters when I throw them into my silly humanverse AUs. Neither of them have much cultural influence, but I am open to learning more about what I should include, as culture is a big aspect of everyone's character.

I'll go off a little bit about how I personally like to write them :)

Kateryna Kalyna

Kateryna is someone who can be best described as enduring. I fear that she sometimes takes on more than she can handle, and it comes from the need to provide for others -- If she's hosting guests, she'll serve her own plate last. It comes from a sense of importance on community and family.

In human AUs, I like the idea that she was close with her grandmother. In one WIP fic, Baba taught her everything she knows about embroidery and their family's history (triumphs, their struggles, how Baba survived the holodomor, and she puts value on every family member's existence). I do have Kateryna living in Kyiv because I have a fondness for Hetalia characters being close to their capitols, but I think her grandmother may have been from Poltava because the white on white style embroidery from Poltava is stunning. In another WIP fic, I've emphasized the importance of Kateryna's relationship with her father - He taught her to hunt, to cook, and his death (unsure how and why) left Kateryna as the provider for their family. She was parentified, as her mother became catatonic, and Kateryna had to care for her much younger siblings (I'm always unsure about the Kateryna, Ivan, Natalya siblinghood thing, so I always leave Katya's siblings as vague figures.)

I think Kateryna works very well as a parentified older sibling because she has to learn how to be selfish. Kateryna has to learn to say no, how to establish her boundaries, and how to take care of herself. She does, and this protection for herself doesn't diminish the care she has for others, but "eldest daughter syndrome" really resonates with me.

Kateryna values hard work rather than taking the easy way out. She has a garden and I can also see her having an interest in floral arranging and flower pressing.

I also find interest in portraying her as a fat person. As someone who has always been "plus sized" and always dreads clothing shopping, it's comforting to have a character who may have similar struggles. She's not insecure, but she isn't confident. She's come to love her body because it's the body that's gotten her through hard times. It's also endearing to me when she has moments of confidence.

I like the idea that she's handy and resourceful. If something breaks, she can fix it or find a new use for it. Nothing goes to waste in her house. She's also good with machinery (not electronic machinery).

I think a satisfying character arc for Kateryna would be where she doesn't feel guilt for taking what she needs and acting in her best interests. She's not going to stop caring about others, but she needs to care about herself, too. She's strong - emotionally and physically.

My favorite people to see her with are Matthew and Erzsébet.

Ideally, Kateryna and Matthew share a lot of the housework -- they both enjoy cooking, gardening, and both like to embellish their house together. Ideally they're living in a small house near a forest, a lot of their furniture are items they've made, and they all have an artistic touch. Their house is probably gorgeous, with Kateryna's embroidery and Matthew's carving skills. My CanUkr bias is SHOWING!

I also adore seeing her with Erzsébet, but haven't thought much into their life together. I liked the episode we got of Ukraine, Hungary, and Liechtenstein hanging out and talking about fashion... I want more moments of the girls hanging out together! I like to think of Kateryna and Erzsé as two older sapphics (nearing their 40s) who unintentionally adopt this struggling college aged lesbian, Erika. Sometimes they hang out with Erzsé's ex-husband.

I'm also interested in Kateryna hanging out with Tolys and Feliks, but haven't thought much about it. In the WIP I mentioned earlier with Kateryna's father, Tolys is actually Katya's coworker and one of the only friends she has in the city she moved to when she left home.

Speaking of, I think Kateryna is very good at making and keeping friends. In the one WIP fic she's a bit isolated and at the beginning of her arc, so she doesn't have many friends, but Kateryna is like the sun. She's warm and she's radiant, but doesn't see herself as such. She's a good community leader.

I also chose Kalyna as her surname because I wanted something to do with plants, and kalyna (guelder rose) apparently shows up a lot in Ukrainian symbolism and folklore. If not a tree, I wanted some sort of plant, to have a sort of play on how our "roots" shape us. Kateryna's family roots are important to her. Kateryna leaving home and planting roots of her own are as equally important. Thank you again to @ derehono for helping me with her last name!

If I have to describe her with things and feelings... Kateryna is the evening sun over a field of barley. She is the carved wooden embellishments on heirloom furniture inherited from your grandparents. She's warm bread in a basket with cloth, sitting on a table surrounded by chatty and loving guests. She is a sturdy tree in a forest, unyielding as the elements crash against her year round. The dirt is warm and freshly tilled. Kateryna is the land and sky, sweet and robust.

Songs I associate with her:

Donkey Kosh - Florence + The Machine

labor - Paris Paloma

Back To The Ground - The Crane Wives

Mark My Words - Doll Skin

Dreamer - Pinkshift

Natalya Arlovskaya

I think my ideas for Nat aren't as fleshed out as my thoughts on Kateryna, but she interests me quite a bit.

First things first, she's a weird girl. Not in a bad way, but she's a "weird girl" (coming from someone who was the weird kid). I say this very endearingly. Her humor and interests are a little macabre, she probably identifies with goth subculture, she has an interest in human mortality. The science of decomposition is also very interesting to her. She's probably interested in human anatomy. Above all, Natalya is interested in the natural world and how it works. She is not ashamed of her interests. She also enjoys reading and long walks at night.

These interests, while are ones that we actually share, are definitely ones that further isolated her from others. It doesn't help that she comes off as rather intense -- She appears to be a very serious person and is blunt. She's very factual and straightforward. That being said, she's honest. Natalya will tell someone what they need to hear.

I think Natalya has a hard time opening up -- She worries that her emotions make her vulnerable. She struggles with vulnerability because she's afraid of being seen as weak (which she very much isn't). I'm unsure, narratively, what may have happened for her to develop such a complex. But I think this struggle with vulnerability impacts her ability to connect with others because she always keeps them on her fingertips. She's very guarded. Natalya feels lonely and doesn't know how to escape from the hole she's dug herself into.

Natalya is simultaneously a very confident person and insecure. I wonder if her confidence is a way of coping with insecurity?

I don't like the way in which obsession is used in Hetalia, but I think Natalya can be obsessive. She may be obsessive towards others, potential friends namely, but I think she may also be a perfectionist. Natalya is obsessed with the idea of being perfect at her craft. She doesn't give up, to her own self detriment (injury, exhaustion). Ballet or figure skating (shoutout to @ pvffinsdaisies) would be sports that show how extremely Natalya pushes herself to be perfect.

I wonder if a possible narrative for her would be that she had a person she trusted completely, but they betrayed her. It would account for her hard time opening up to others, hard time trusting others and her need to be independent, her perfectionism, and her need to be the best. Maybe she had a difficult relationship with a parent? A friend?

I do think Nat, once you get to know her and she opens up, can actually be a little silly. She has a good sense of humor, even if at times it can be macabre and a little absurd.

When she is close to people, she does care deeply for them. She doesn't act in the same way Kateryna does, but she has a similar way of making sure others are taken care of. It's the same way someone will chew you out for popping your tire, but change it for you and make sure you car is working right so you're safe and get you where you need to go.

I also just had the thought that maybe she's very good at giving gifts. Natalya is detail oriented and remembers details about others, so she knows just what gift a person will appreciate (whether it's something they need or if it's something that aligns with their interests).

Characters I'm interested in seeing her with are Czechia and then oddly enough both Poland and the Philippines -- Both are because of my own AUs, whoops! Czechia I can't explain thoroughly because I'm still cooking that one, but in this really stupid grocery store AU I had (don't ask), Nat, Piri, and Feliks all worked at customer service. It's such an unusual grouping, but it just works because Piri and Feliks are just people who know how to get others out of their shells, and Nat very slowly warms up to them. LEAVE ME ALONE, I AM COOKING (I love my crackfriendships, alright??). Nat enjoys their company because they're so easy to talk to and fun to be around. She doesn't feel the need to pretend to be perfect around them -- they appreciate her for who she is.

If I have to describe her with things and feelings... Natalya is a walk in a snowy forest, gravel crunching under your boots as you endure the path through twisting naked branches. Red berries topped with snow, vibrant against the grey landscape. She's the steps of a mausoleum during the evening, cold and hard but utterly mystifying. Starless nights where the moon shines brightly. The dirt is hard and cold.

Songs I associate with her:

Girl Anachronism - The Dresden Dolls

Girl With One Eye - Florence + The Machine

Fire & Ice - The Nova Twins

Feast of Hammers - Mishkin Fitzgerald

New Girl, Old Ghosts - Rabbitology

Pearl Diver - Mitski

[lonesomedotmp3]

ok enough time has passed. short n sweet song rating

taste - I like it! it's kinda of overproduced and ditzy (like, sonically? I don't know how to describe it. hollow ig) but it's fun petty a little bit gay it helps that the mv is really good 8/10

please please please - like. whatever. I'm honestly over it. 5/10

good graces - 2/10 I do not like this song as soon as I heard this song I knew it was over for us I'm serious. melody is good but the lyrics and vibe is garbage and it DOES NOTTTTT FIT ON THIS FUCKING ALBUMMMMMM

sharpest tool - this is the closest song we have that could be an eics song. but crucially it's not so it's not as good. but I still like it <3 the "we never talk about it" end to the chorus and its repetition is really lame and underwhelming though idk. 7/10

coincidence - I really like this one I like the aggressive guitar I like the whispery adlibs. doesn't feel like it fits the album much (though truly what does fit the album the album is nothing!) and it NEEDS a better longer bridge.... why are these songs so fucking shortttt SABRINA. ANSWER MY CALLS. 8/10

bed chem - I kinda like this one sorry beth... in a sense this is everything wrong with new sabrina but well I think we'd have really good come right on me I mean camaraderie said you're not in my time zone but you wanna be where art thou why not uponeth me see it in my mind let's fulfil the prophecy. bridge is ass though 6/10

espresso - I am still not sick of that's that me espresso... that's literally that me espresso. 10/10 yes it ushered in a horrible era but it's a banger I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can't accept when a song is catchy and fun. what I hate though is it should have been an individual single song like honeymoon fades. the vintage beach vibes stand out so heavily against the production of literally every other song I know I already said loads of songs don't fit (BECAUSE. NOTHING FITS IT'S REALLY BAD GUYS) but it's true of this song most of all. you're literally listening to an entirely different sound and album for three minutes... 10/10 but she shouldn't even be here. or alternatively maybe if the whole album gave this sound and energy it would've been good 🤷

dumb and poetic - I LOVED this on first listen now I don't really care. her voice on "jack off to lyrics by leonard cohen" and the kinda reverb is so good as well as you're so empathetic you'd make a great wife and I promise the mushrooms aren't changing your life... also this seriously happened to rachel mcguire I can't emphasise that enough! 6/10

slim pickins - god. YAWN. I liked this when I saw the live version before the album drop but the production sucked all the life out of it lol. it's repetitive and the gay awakening line pisses me off. that one tiktok voice I'll break your heart just as bad!!!! but I do love the line lord knows he isn't living large... 4/10

juno - I literally switch between loving and hating this. "you make me wanna make you fall in love" is SO fun... but wowie it does not resonate... and using juno as the vehicle to describing wanting to get pregnant is so weird idk she was a teen and she should've aborted that thing... whatever. it's definitely one of the best sounding on the album 6/10

lie to girls - boring but pretty good. the how many things of short n sweet perhaps. 5/10 ok actually I'm listening now and I'm not fucking with it at all. 3/10

don't smile - I tune out by this point. sounds nice 5/10 but makes no sense as a closer for an album that's ENTIRE deal is I'm confident and sexy and silly!!! like girl where is the silly. this is such an abrupt serious end to a bunch of nonsense. excuse my phrasing. juno should've been the last song DUH end on a HIGH not a phony moment of emotion

AS AN ALBUM. literally none of this coheres it's all over the place even though all of the songs are also kinda about the same things and it gets really repetitive? I don't know how she did that but she did. that's some sort of accomplishment. it's so bad. sorry I really hate it. 2/10

[thesweetestdevotion]

please can u do a tutorial on how to channel or do more intuitive readings ourselves?

What a nice request! thank you!

Im gonna be honest, i dont know if i can give you a tutorial on how to channel/read as everybody's energy is different and we all have different abilities. I can run you through my own personal process though! That's not to say that mine is the best one for you (or anyone really) but maybe it can give you some insight on how I channel/read and inspire you a little! Here we go!!:

I shuffle my deck until I am called to stop. if i had just done a reading right before I'll snap my fingers 2-3 times as a way to clear the past energy/make space for the new one.

I roll my dice one by one (three, 12-sided dice. Planets, Zodiac Signs, 12 Houses) I dont always use them fyi. Once theyre rolled out i begin to shuffle my deck, I only take cards that jump out but also they just have to feel right as well, even if i cant see the card yet theres like a force that pulls me to the right cards and lets me know which ones are relevant/not.

I lay my cards out and begin to read and connect energies. It's very important to know the meanings of the tarot, and also be familiar with their traditional symbolism. But its also good to know when to use your intuitive gifts, theres no need to always attach yourself to the cookie cutter meanings if you dont feel called to. Its also good to be able to connect all of the cards into a coherent "story" where they're able to build off of each other. If you feel the meaning of a card doesn't resonate with the overall energy of the reading, It's usually spirit guiding you to use your intuitive skills to find meaning in another way.

As for channeling, I really can't make a guide as to how to do this. I've seen some readers channel by writing down messages, others close their eyes and let images come to them, amongst many other methods. Personally, I dont need to do anything in order to channel messages, often as soon as I start a reading I get channels. I'll very often get channels even while doing chores or reading a book. I see images, colors, scenes, hear sounds, music, voices. I even have sensations in my body (heartaches, throat closing up, sudden tension, etc...) I'm someone who is very in tune with my body/mind and im naturally able to tell what feelings belong to me vs not. I don't know how to guide someone to do this if im honest. I think some readers can and others not. That doesn't make you a bad reader, or like your messages have something lacking in them because of this, so don't feel discouraged if you aren't able to do stuff like that.

Also, things will come to you as you read over time. You'll stumble upon new methods, find what you like to do, read at quicker paces, etc.. Tarot is a skill, and like all other skills it needs to be honed. So practice, practice, practice.

Other (kinda crazy) stuff i do to supplement my practice (not necessary at all, just personal stuff):

sleep with my tarot decks near me/under my pillow

cover my head with a cloth/blanket. I just lay it over me no special method.

let my tarot decks charge (many different ways to do this, mostly i just let them rest in favor of using another deck, some people use crystals, smoke, moonlight. Its really up to the reader)

I don't read all the time, i take breaks. Dont wanna deplete my energy

If channels are getting annoying (which they often can for me) writing them down somewhere, even if theyre nonsensical, helps a lot.

Keep my body physically fit/healthy, as much as I can. This is an astrological method. The 6th house of health/work/daily routines/hygiene/stomach directly opposes the 12th house of the subconscious mind/dreams/sleep/intuition/secrets/anything hidden or mysterious. If one house is out of balance the other one is too. So keeping one in check helps me keep my intuition clear, also works both ways (nurturing my intuition/getting rest helps my health). This might not be something everyone includes in their practice, but it personally keeps me very grounded.

Have boundaries. you don't have to tap into all energies, especially if they repell you. It's important to be aware of this.

General Advice:

Have conversations! dont be afraid to ask other readers for help (hehe as you did now, good job!) or for guidance. Finding a great teacher/guru to help you is a wonderful gift, honestly wish i had done this as well

It's okay and normal to be wrong, no one is infallible or omnipresent. we are human, and ultimately we might be tapping in to a spiritual source, but it will always be interpreted by our biased and limited human minds. it's why its important to be okay with mistakes, and also important to find readers who resonate with your energy and vibe. Don't force yourself to listen to someone who makes you feel icky!! its not good vibes at all!

If you all have any further questions like this, drop them in my inbox or here on this post. Thank you again to the anon who sent this in! love ya<3

[amberitedragon]

Kalim and Jamil are kinda like Aladdin and Jasmine...

So. Did you know. That the og Aladdin from 1992, has 2 sequels? I didn't know either until resently. So I had the BRIGHT IDEA to watch them all. SO. I rewatched Aladdin 1992, then it's sequels, Return of Jafar, and King of Thieves. While in this ''marathon'' I noticed something, that our favorite Scarabia duo resemble some of the characters and no I'm not talking about Jafar and the Sultan. I'll admit they're some resemblences obvi but I'll get into later. So here I am talking about how Jamil and Kalim remind me of Jasmine and Aladdin because I'm having a JamiKali brainrot and this is how I'm getting over it.

Also Spoiler Warning for all 3 movies (Plus book 4)! Go watch them if you want but spoiler alert Return of Jafar and King of Thieves both look AWFUL compared to the original I'm not kidding the budget went down SUFFIENTLY. Quick google search told me this:

Aladdin: 28 million USD

Return of Jafar: 5 million USD

King of Thieves: 3.5 million USD

Anyways with that small vent outta the way let's get into it.

-Jamil and Jasmine:

Look at me comparing the servent with the princess, the irony imma right? Anyway. So it is true that Jamil and Jafar have more similarities then Jamil and Jasmine but I don't really like resonating Jamil with Jafar cause Jafar (warning mention of gross shit) KISSED AND SEXUALISED A MINOR BY MAKING HER WEAR THIS?!?!

SHES 15 IN THIS MOVIE BTW WTF JAFAR

And now whenver I think of Jafar I think of this. Disgusting. I'm not putting Jamil at his level NOPE. Moving on from that shit.

So back to Jasmine and Jamil the main similarity inbetween the 2 I see is they both have a similar goal.

They both wish to be free.

Jasmine's main conflict in this movie is her not wanting to be a part of the steriotypical princess life. Her father wants her to marry a prince and sends suitors her way all the time, despite her rejecting all of them. She says herself that she doesn't want to marry some self-absorbed prince who only cares about money and sees her as an object of marriage. She wants to marry for love. Not only that she also just wants to be able to leave the palace for once as she never has, she wants to make real friends, as she never had one. This is what leads up to the desicion of running away. She escaped the palace and was planning on not returning, but then, she meets Aladdin who is captured by some guards because of Jafar's orders and to save him, reveals herself as the princess, forcing her to go back to the palace.

Jamil is in a similar boat. The main reason for his overblot in Book 4 is that he is fed up with having to dim himself down just for Kalim's sake. Always being second best cause he needs to let Kalim shine. He also wants to be able to make his own desicions. He wants to not have to listen to his parents who presured him into this in the first place. He doesn't want to have to do everything Kalim wants/says. He wants to travel around and see a Whole New World (hehehhehehehe). While their goals are somewhat different, they both collided into the same general concept. Wanting to be free.

And then there's a ''A Whole New World''. A song about basically just following your heart, leaving your confinments, and experiencing a ''whole new world'', aka a life of freedom and being able to decide/make choices for yourself. For Jamil, leaving his status as servant and traveling all over the world, and for Jasmine, marrying someone for love and not being seen as an object. (There is also ''Speechless'' from the live action but we aren't talking about that one so-)

-Kalim and Aladdin:

So for these's two there is less but something none the less. For Kalim and the Sultan, the main similarities I see are them both being oblivious go happy people and terrible judges of character despite saying otherwise!/hj (But fr they both share the same line of ,''I'm an incredible judge of character!'', at some point in their stories)

Now moving on to Aladdin the man himself. The main thing I could find in relation with these 2 were their generally kind hearts.

In the end of Aladdin (1992), Aladdin has the right for one final wish and Genie encouranges him to use it on making him a prince again so he can marry Jasmine. Stating that he will ''Never find another girl like her'', and Genie is ready to be sealed away again back in lamp. But Aladdin decides to wish for Genie's freedom instead (also since he promised him at the beginning of the movie when he first found him). Genie is overjoyed and hugs all of them. This also makes the Sultan reliese how good of a person Aladdin is despite lying for half this movie and gets rid of the rule that a princess must marry a prince (And makes me wonder why he didn't do this before but whatever).

There is also the beginning of Return of Jafar where Aladdin finds some thieves trying to steal some treasure from a temple. Aladdin defeats them and takes the gold himself. But instead of keeping it he gives it to all the poor people in Agrabah who need it more then him.

Now go ahead and tell me Kalim isn't as kindhearted as Aladdin if not MORE. Go ahead I'll wait.

Kalim helps everyone around him. No matter who they may be or their status. A good example of this is in his sport vignette.

Kalim sees Ortho all by himself. When he asks what's wrong, Ortho says Idia promised to play with him but got busy cause his game got an event update and he is in hardcore gamer mode. Kalim agrees to play with Ortho instead despite starving from coming out of PE.

And that made me smile like an idiot so here :)

AND WE ARE DONE

I totally didn't spend an hour writing this ahahahahahahahahah (pls don't flop)-

Thank you for coming to my TED talk if you made it this far you are a trooper. I might write a fanfic about this but who knows (it would be my first non oneshot thing and idk if I'd ever finish it-)

Also I'm not provereading this cause I'm lazy-

I hope you enjoyed my brainrot vent sesion! BYEEEEEEE

Have them :)

[st-dorothy-minority]

Fic Writing & Fandom Nostalgia

To any/all that checked out my HH fic "You Didn't Know," I want to sincerely thank you. I loved writing every bit of it and sharing it. Reading the comments brought me so much joy. Seriously, I got so giddy seeing a new email come through with a comment!

If you read the latest chapter shortly after I posted it, you may have missed the note I added saying it was going into an indefinite hiatus. I'm calling it quits on writing. (Maybe for now, maybe forever)

I go through periods where I want to "burn it all down" because I get caught up in the comparison game. My writing isn't as good or creative as other authors. I never get as much attention or comments as other authors, and I have nowhere near the popularity level of artists. I think of all the ways my writing sucks and "why didn't I come up with *that* idea? They're so good (author or artist), why do I even bother putting out my stuff? No one would notice if I just disappeared and stopped posting."

I've been working on my tumultuous relationship with fic and fandom in therapy (yes, it's embarrassing to have to explain what fandom/fic is to your therapist 😅), and what I've found at the core is the longing for connection. I keep thinking it will happen, that I'll connect with a reader (or readers), or that I'll get more comments in order to make said connections happen (and receive the validation I am unfortunately conditioned to need), and when it doesn't happen, there's significant disappointment and feelings of worthlessness.

I haven't seen people talk about this, but the way people engage in fandom is so different than it was when I first started 2 decades ago. Back then, there were limited sites people would post to (livejournal, fanfiction.net, and DeviantArt being the main 3 imo), so there was more opportunity to really get to know others. You had your own little communities and friendships formed beyond the centralized community and it spilled over into people's personal LJ's and even the exchange of phone numbers. People left comments regularly on art and fic alike.

Now, there are so many sites to post on, so many more people in fandom (especially with it being more "acceptable" nowadays), and it's much easier to just leave a like/kudos and move on to the next thing rather than staying and engaging. Of course, there are some people who make a name for themselves in a particular fandom and have their regulars who engage, but for the most part - people just don't put in the same kind of effort to engage with the work/creator as they did when I was just starting out. And reading a fic? That takes a lot of effort!! So I can see why fanarts gets way more likes and reblogs than a fic because there's more time that has to be invested to read rather than just look and like.

I miss when I had fandom friends and how we all kind of knew each other. I miss genuine connection. I miss sharing my interests with someone who loves it like I do and will geek out with me.

If any of this resonated, I'm glad I'm not alone 😅💜 just something that has really been on my mind and needed to get it out.

[starseneyes]

Chenford REWIND - Lucy Chen / Tim Bradford - The Rookie - Season 4 Ep 14

This one might seem a little weird for me to pick out of the pile, but it really resonated with me for a few reasons that I'll get into once we dive into the Meta.

Season 4 is the era of open Tim and Lucy truly sharing in one another's lives at a level they never did before. It's needed for this episode.

So, bear with me because this is more of a "mini meta", but this episode deserves it, I think.

SPOILER ALERT: In the land of Spoilers I doth play! Merriment is to be had for those who partake of said indulgences, but for those who forsake the foreign finds, atrophy doth await. Okay, I can be a little silly because we've done this enough. Spoilers within. But I do try to write without foreknowledge of what is to come.

Everyone versed on the way this works? Excellent! I'm ready to dive in.

"... since I don't know my biological father, you know, it makes it kind of challenging."

I hate these forms with everything in me. And I. Have. Twins. So every time I start them with a new doctor, I have twice as many forms that have to be filled out in the same time as most parents get for one. So, I'm with you, Lucy.

Also, I remember the first time I had to fill out a School Form after meeting my biological father. I was a lot younger, but I remember my absolute confusion. "Mama, am I Hispanic?" "Just mark 'white'," she responded. Yeah... it was an interesting season.

"Wait. Your Dad's not your bio dad?" "Mmnm." "You never told me that." "It's not really a big deal. My Dad, the man who raised me, is my Dad."

Absolutely, Lucy! Blood does not determine fatherhood.

I remember an episode of The Pretender that took the angle of "Didn't I teach you to tie a tie?" and I was a mess of blubbering crazy on the floor because "Dad" isn't owed to anyone just because they contribute biological matter to an insemination. "Dad" is a special moniker.

And, yes, I call both the man who raised me until I was 7 and my biological father "Daddy". Plus I have a step-dad. My wedding was really interesting with three Father Speeches, let me tell you!

"She told me that he was not ready to be a father..."

I do feel for Lucy's mom on this one. My biological father let his friends convince him my mother was lying... so he never wanted anything to do with me.

She had to go to court to get the blood test for... you guessed it... medical history forms, so she'd be able to fill them out accurately for me.

Yeah, Lucy doesn't owe this man anything and neither did her mom.

Wait... did I just take Mama Chen's side on something? It feels dirty...

"Hey, do you think it's weird I didn't try to find my biological dad?" "No. You don't owe the guy anything."

Thank. You. Lucy, if you're not going to listen to me (just like football teams when my Uncle's screaming at them from his couch), then please listen to your husband.

What I also love about this is that we've caught up with them mid-conversation. It's possible they were talking about this in the Shop, but I like to think that it came up between them before. Lucy's comfortable telling Tim almost anything.

For a man who tries hard to keep the Shop a "personal free zone", by Season 4 Lucy has worn him down, and he's beyond telling her to stop.

She's already versed Tim on the fertility fun, so it's completely natural for her to talk to him about this, too.

"The only thing he ever contributed to your life was measured in millimeters."

Best. Husband. Ever. Get this man an award, because he's busting out all the support for his wife while calling out this no-show sperm-contributor on his lack of parental contribution. We stan a man who thinks fatherhood demands some bloody effort.

Look, I love my bio dad and we have a great relationship. But it took a lot of work and a 13-year-old screaming at her father to put down the beer and drive because he was the adult and needed to act like it. Yeah...

"Seriously, I don't know why I bother talking to you about personal stuff." "Mission accomplished."

This cracked me up the first time I saw it! Because, Tim's beyond telling Lucy to stop talking, right? But that doesn't stop him from being a cynical bitch to get her to stop.

She gives him the look, but his gaze is safely on Bailey so he isn't instantly vaporized by meeting her eyes.

"Why don't you give us a list?" "How about giving me your number?"

Tim turns to her and does his little finger point that he did when dismissing her when they decided to ride together again as Gofer and Sergeant.

He didn't need her involved in his paperwork that night so he waves her away. This time, he's waving himself out of his conversation. Also, he doesn't want to be present so he doesn't have to write Lucy up for threatening the guy.

"Sir, are you okay?" "Do I look like I'm okay?" ... "Did you see where she went after she attacked you?" "Obviously not."

Calm down, Timmy, my boy. About 12 seconds ago you asked a man washing his blood-red, can't-open eyes with a garden hose if he was okay.

Neither one of you's doing great in the common sense department, today, so why not back off on the attitude directed my girl's way?

I've seen a small contingent of people claim Tim's changed too much from Season 1. Nah. What we've seen is a man who was at the lowest point of his life finding healing. It's gradual, but it's there.

And we see that the cynical, sarcastic, dead-pan part of him is still there. But it's not overwhelming all the other wonderful, layered parts of him like before.

Also, I speak cynicism and sarcasm, so in that I've found a kindred spirit in a fictional character.

"People suck." "Amen to that."

He's not wrong. Look, there are individuals who can be pretty amazing, but in my experience, people as a whole generally suck. That's why the kind-hearted, compassionate, considerate, empathetic humans matter so much. That's why people like Lucy matter so much.

Because in a hurting world, the hope-bringers matter. They're the ones who light a torch in the blackest night and hold it high for others to see. And as we're drawn toward that light, holding our own water-logged torches, drenched in our tears... we find warmth. We find hope.

The warmth dries out our torches, not erasing our tears, but ceasing their flow. And then, slowly, the spark within each of us returns, and we can then hold our own torches high for the next weary travelers who've lost their sense of self on the difficult trails of life.

Tim's torch is starting to spark, and he can thank Lucy for a lot of it. But, right now, he's reminding us that he's one of us... still not all the way out of the dark.

Lucy twitches her hand at Tim's remark, almost a "Are you kidding me!?", but Tim doesn't see it.

"Is it better to know? Or to not?" "You talking about bio dad now?"

Kitty! My husband says that to me every time I cock my head to the side in response to something he says. It reminds him of his kitties he grew up with.

So, as soon as Tim cocked his head, I thought "kitty!" and promptly erupted into laughter in an empty room like a madwoman.

But I love how well Tim can read her. There are still times he checks in with her with a "You okay?", but we're seeing the evolution of his understanding of Lucy. He's grown in his understanding of her, and right now he knows exactly where her mind has gone.

And how special is it that she's working through this with Tim?

Look, family stuff can be complicated and we've already seen Lucy's issues with her mother. Tim has likely had several earfuls of all this, but I love how supportive he's being of her, here.

He's not telling her what to do. And that immediately throws me to post-DOD when he didn't tell her what to do with her tattoo. There's a consistency here that I appreciate.

Also, I love this growth compared to when she was vetting Emmett. She pretended to talk to Rachel (not this Rachel... but I'll totally be her second Rachel BFF if Lucy Chen, fictional character, is looking for a new BFF). And when Tim called her on it, she admitted she needs to process orally and knew he wouldn't do it with her.

Look. How. Far. We've. Come. Tim doesn't have to be talked into it. In fact, he's the one who drew it out of her when she started waxing poetic Shakespeare style—"To know, or not to know?"

Tim is Lucy's sounding board, now. Losing Jackson was huge. And while Lucy loves Tamara and talks to her a lot, it's not the same thing since there's more of a mother/daughter relationship at play.

And as someone with incredibly odd parent/child dynamics, I'm not judging. Just saying, it's different.

But in the vacuum that stole Jackson from Lucy's life, there will never be someone to fill that space completely. Yet, certain elements transferred near-seamlessly to Tim. Tim and Lucy are friends, and they are deeply involved in one another's lives, at this point.

Remember, we are post double-date, post Tim's father, post Lucy helping with demo, post so many other things that moved them forward in Season 4. Walls were torn down between them.

It's that thinnest veil now keeping them apart. That, and their placeholder significant others because, wow, were we dealing with some dead weight in Season 4, am I right?

Tim tells Lucy to find out the truth, and I love that. He's encouraging her in this endeavor on the same day he told her "mission accomplished" in scaring her off. He's still Tim. He's still going to be a bit of an ass, sometimes.

But, damnit, he's making more and more exceptions for Lucy. And he doesn't even realize it, yet. But we get the delicious point-of-view of watching it happen, and I love this for them!

"The year your mother became a therapist, she slept with a patient. He was your father... I think the shame still eats her up."

Hold. Up. Mama Condescending slept with her patient!? That is one of the rules you do not break. So rather than own up to her mistake, even with her own daughter, she tried to mold Lucy into the model of perfection without consideration for the psychological damage she might be inflicting?

Oh, Mama Chen and I are gonna fight the next time her face appears on my screen. You don't do my girl Lucy dirty like that.

It's totally in-character. Like, it makes sense. But it also hurts. Because "the shame still eats her up". Lucy's mind can't help but wonder if part of that shame is her.

"You okay?"

Hubby knows when wifey's acting off. And he knows it has something to do with her father. So, he's not going into this blind. Tim Bradford is asking Lucy Chen about her state of mind knowing it's personal.

"Personal Life Free Zone" my ass.

"My whole life, nothing I have ever done has been good enough for my mom. Not, not my grades, my boyfriends, my career. And this whole time she has been a total hypocrite." "Look, uh, maybe she's trying to prevent you from making the same mistakes she did."

Oooh, swing and a miss. Tim, you can't help someone avoid repeating history if they don't know history.

Also, Lucy's never gonna sleep with a suspect, which is the closest equivalence I can make. She may sleep with a certain Sergeant, though, down the line. Am I right?

I've wondered for a while, too, if Tim has a soft spot for Moms considering everything he went through with his own Mom. From what we can tell, he tried to shield her and protect her even when he knew things were bad with his father.

My brother and I had a bad string of babysitters when my mother first became a single Mom. She divorced my brother's dad shortly after her mother died, and it was just the three of us.

We knew how bad it was. How hard it was for her to find good sitters. When we finally found a decent one who would let us stay over at her place when needed... we hid it from my mother when she and her husband got into a physical altercation in front of us.

I was about 7 and my brother was 3. He didn't quite understand what was going on, so as my Nanny ripped us out of bed and drove around town half the night looking for a place to stay... I distracted him. I played games with him.

And as we fell asleep foot-to-foot on her mother's couch across town, I was satisfied to know he didn't understand what was happening. I managed to protect him.

And I protected my mother, too, by not telling her. Because I wanted to shield her. I didn't want her to have one more thing to worry about.

Tim strikes me as a kindred soul in that. So, he looks at Lucy's mother and doesn't quite see the whole picture. After all, he hasn't even met the lady... yet.

Oh, but when Tim Bradford meets Mama Chen and sees the bullshit she puts Lucy through? He's gonna have his wife's back and it's going to be a glorious minute twenty-five of television that I will play on repeat to my heart's content.

"Or she resents me for reminding her of the one time in her life that she messed up."

There it is. The shame. Is that why Mama Chen is always ashamed of her? Lucy has to wonder.

"Lucy, it's..."

No, phone. Not now! I have never wanted to chuck a phone out the window so badly as I did when Lucy's chirped just then.

Because Tim Bradford knows a thing or two about a parent who makes you feel ashamed of yourself. And I really want to know what he was going to say.

One of y'all better have a fanfic to fill in the blanks because, whew, if I find Lucy's phone alone in a back alley, one of us isn't coming back.

Yes, I know I have a beef with an inanimate object and that the whole bloody thing's fictional.

But damnit, I want Tim to have the opportunity to speak love into Lucy's life as often as possible and that. phone. killed. my. dream.

"Patrick Walsh. That's my father's name." "Well, I mean, at least it's not something weird like Dilbert." "You mean like the cartoon character?" "Someone named their kid Hashtag. You never know."

I love this. Tim falls into their natural rhythm, and Lucy goes along with him. It actually coaxes a smile out of her, which is what I think he was trying to do.

Awww, our babies have graduated to responding to one another's needs wordlessly. I'm so proud of them!

"So, what are you gonna do?" "Find out the truth."

She's echoing Tim's exact words to him, which I love. But I also love that Tim is driving this whole conversation.

Mr. "Personal Life Is a No-Go On The Job" is the one coaxing this out of Lucy. Because he knows her well enough to know that she'll stew on it, otherwise. If he wants her focused on work, he has to get her through those personal blocks by talking it out.

This whole episode is a love letter to Tim's understanding of Lucy and how far they have come. Yes, he gave her a little trademark Tim at the top with his no-nonsense assessment of ejaculation's lack of causality to actually being a parent.

But, throughout this episode, he's been the one driving the conversation. He's been the one drawing her out. And he's been the one supporting her in this, which is huge.

They. Have. Come. So. Far.

"He's dead."

I can't even imagine. All of these scenarios Lucy built up in her head, and they're just gone.

I met my Dad at 6. He got clean when I was in my 20's, and that is when we truly bonded. But I've had friends meet their biological fathers into their 40's. It was a wild ride.

And though Lucy loves her Dad (the one who raised her), she was curious about this man who fathered her.

A girlfriend of mine was fascinated when she met her biological father and found out he was an artist... like her. It was so cool for her to connect those dots, even though she still recognized the man who raised her as her real father (because blood ≠ "real"). There was a piece of her that she'd never seen in another human, before, and that was cool.

Lucy will never have those moments. And wanting them doesn't mean she loves her Dad any less. She simply wanted to meet the man who fathered her, to know that piece of herself a little better.

"Maybe I should have tried to find him sooner." "Maybe, but he's the one who made the decision that he wasn't ready to be a parent. Whatever he did with his life after, it's not on you."

All. Of. This. And you can tell Lucy's not completely convinced, because what kid is? Yes, Lucy is a grown woman. But when it comes to our parents, we'll always be their kids.

Lucy hasn't had the best examples of functional relationships. And, frankly, neither has Tim. Neither of them know what it looks like to really work through.

We can argue that Tim was married before, but that didn't work out. For a million reasons, it didn't work out.

And this whole "egg" thing started because Lucy's Mom wanted to be sure she'd have grandchildren even if Lucy never found the right man. And that led Lucy down the path to finding her birth-father... only to find out he died. alone.

If she had reached out sooner, could she have changed that? And, Lucy, honey, I know that "what if" game oh so well. It never ends if you keep playing it. So, you have to step away.

And, you. Yes, YOU! Don't play the what-if game. None of us can change our pasts, but we can shift our paths.

Our past is written, but the future's as twisty and turny as my kids' favorite board game. Lots of options. Lots of opportunities. Don't limit yourself because of the past. Don't "what-if" your life away.

Do what you can with what you have, and bit-by-bit, you'll build a new life. One breath at a time.

As always, thank you for reading. See you on the next!

[whatdoeseverybodywant]

Just wanted to say I'm a silent reader here typically and am beyond private, but I remember the original to this and am reading this new version. You have me invested and hooked. I believe in Airielle's love for Jey and vice versa. There are some pieces that resonated with me heavily.

At the club, when Yara was there and interjecting, I was like, "Why is she still there?" I would love a world (a chapter) where Jey just shuts her down directly and emphatically (where Airielle may even hear it without him knowing). I'm one of those people where the who you messed around with matters when you're on a break (I'm complicated like that lol). He's chasing Airielle, or was until last chapter lol, but he needs to accept that he played into why Yara is acting how she is. Handle the problem.

I get the kiss between Airielle and Raymond hurt him, but I think he has to be real about why Yara and why he would even think hiding that could work. Like, Yara wouldn't be quiet about that lol. She popped out with Airielle at the door, man. She want to ask questions in IG stories, like no lol. Block her, sir.

Airielle can run into Method Man, Batman, Spiderman, Iron Man, it won't matter. Her "moving on" always lands her heartbroken, because she's not dealing with anything. Yes, it was just a kiss with Raymond, but you went to a spot that your ex and his family frequented. Like, Airielle lol. Kisses are intimate and can be a prelude for other things too. People break up for that alone sometimes.

She keeps pushing Jey away only to want to pull him back, or want him to pull her back in. I say this, because she breaks up with him and gets upset when he is entertaining Yara (cafeteria scene). Let him know beforehand, "I need us to slow down, but we're not seeing other people." She wants him to want things she's not ready for in some ways. I get that in so many ways, but that's also not fair.

Yes, he told her to stay away from Raymond, but speak up, Airielle. Be like, "I saw you and your new girl. Arm over her shoulder. My shoulder wants warmth too. Raymond wants to remedy that." How she feels is so valid. I also see that her voice is probably trapped, because that's how she survived her relationship with Christopher and that makes me so sad.

The love is there, but the fear is making for some questionable decision making. Until she learns to let people in so they can help her, until she learns to be direct and real about what she wants, she will always be disappointed and hurt. Method Man is a car salesman. Salespeople are great at selling dreams, that's all I'll say on that lol.

I'm rooting for Airielle the person / character, and for her and Jey as a couple. Jey wants to be to be loved so badly, to feel needed and wanted by the person he loves. He moves so quickly and has to walk before he races to the finish line. He needs to embrace accoubtability and transparency. So does she. They are two sides of the same coin. Airielle doesn't seem to know what to do with love. She doesn't trust it. She has so much of it to give though. Deep down, all they want is each other. My story friend just needs some prayer and therapy, because she been through it :)

Your dedication to this story is not unnoticed. Can't wait to see how we get to happily ever after. You spoiled me. I accept nothing less than a fairytale ending lol.

First of all.. I AM CRYING no fr. REAL TEARS. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. THIS INBOX HAS REALLY MADE MY DAY, NO LIE. 🫶🏽. I'M GOING TO TRY TO RESPOND TO SOME OF THE POINTS YOU MADE. (I'M NOT YELLING WITH THE CAPS LMAO I PROMISE 🫶🏽)

"I would love a world (a chapter) where Jey just shuts her down directly and emphatically (where Airielle may even hear it without him knowing)" ( ITS COMING. TRUST ME. JOSH GO PUT THAT HOE IN HER PLACE)

"She keeps pushing Jey away only to want to pull him back, or want him to pull her back in. I say this, because she breaks up with him and gets upset when he is entertaining Yara (cafeteria scene). Let him know beforehand, "I need us to slow down, but we're not seeing other people." She wants him to want things she's not ready for in some ways. I get that in so many ways, but that's also not fair. (AIRIELLE IS TERRIFIED OF BEING VULNERABLE TO ANOTHER MAN AGAIN. EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE TOGETHER AND HAPPY SHE WAS STILL HOLDING BACK FROM HIM.)

Yes, he told her to stay away from Raymond, but speak up, Airielle. Be like, "I saw you and your new girl. Arm over her shoulder. My shoulder wants warmth too. Raymond wants to remedy that." How she feels is so valid. I also see that her voice is probably trapped, because that's how she survived her relationship with Christopher and that makes me so sad." (AIRIELLE IS EXTREMELY COMPLICATED AND CAUTIOUS WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE AFTER CHRISTOPHER. SHE GAVE JOSH A CHANCE AND IT WAS HER FAULT THAT THEY BROKE UP AND YOU'RE RIGHT SHE COULD'VE SAID THAT THEY WERE NOT TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE BUT SHE COMPLICATED LOL. SHE KINDA FIGURED HE WOULD JUST KNOW THAT [ THIS WILL COME UP IN A LATER CHAPTER 😭] CHRISTOPHER DID EVERYTHING HE COULD TO BREAK HER DOWN. HE WANTED SOMEONE SUBMISSIVE AND COMPLIANT. )

"The love is there, but the fear is making for some questionable decision making. Until she learns to let people in so they can help her, until she learns to be direct and real about what she wants, she will always be disappointed and hurt. Method Man is a car salesman. Salespeople are great at selling dreams, that's all I'll say on that lol." (HER MAIN FEAR IS THAT EVERY MAN WILL BE LIKE CHRISTOPHER. IT TOOK HER 16 CHAPTERS TO EVER REALISE THAT SHE LOVED JOSH BUT SOMETHING WAS STILL NAGGING AT THE BACK OF HER MIND B/C THE SECOND HE ASKED HER TO MOVE IN- SHE DIPPED AND RAN)

"Your dedication to this story is not unnoticed. Can't wait to see how we get to happily ever after. You spoiled me. I accept nothing less than a fairytale ending lol". (I AM SO HAPPY YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS STORY, BOTH VERSIONS AND I LOVE YOUR FEEDBACK. IF YOU WANT TO SLIDE INTO MY MESSAGES, YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME. ❤️)