#i realized that the last time i wrote this sentence was like 2018

[theshitpostcalligrapher]

[goldkirk]

March 13, 2018

TW: PTSD episodes, traumatic memories, dissociation, death, murder, natural disasters etc etc frankly there’s just a lot. This whole thing was a vent I think I wrote while avoiding sleep. You don’t need to read this, I’m just posting it here as more evidence in my collection of how the past used to be for me. I’m okay about this now, and I’m just posting it for reference. Please don’t read this if it might be triggering for you. It’s very first-person and fast-paced.

Poem:

I launch awake in sweat, I am

sweat, my sheets are sweat, my blankets are sweat, I am soaked head to toe with hot sweat and my blankets are chaining me and I do not know

who I am and all I know is confusion and fear and I have vaulted out of the bed and onto my face before I even know that I am awake.

I have no idea who I am or where I am, it's dark,

and I don't know what is happening, I stumble into my wall

and I am hot.

I am suddenly up the basement stairs and tripping over the living room couch on my way to nowhere, I don't know where I am, I don't know who I am. All I know is I'm somehow awake, I am moving, and I feel like the world has ended and everything has crashed down around me in ruin and I feel

like I am not alive.

My mind is trying to piece together what I am, what has happened, what time is it where am I, I'm at home, oh,

there's my mom, there's my dad.

I don't remember anything I don't know what happened why does this all feel so wrong?

I think I died

while in my dream.

That is

the only explanation I can find for how I feel, to wake up like this,

I feel

like I did not exist. I had blinked out. There was terror and I

did not even know my own name for the first minute after waking up,

I didn't realize I was alive for seven awful seconds and

it must be hours after I went to bed right, oh lord God please what is happening to me it's

1:27 in the morning.

this hasn't happened since Junior year of high school when I

was a camp counselor,

when I was in a sleeping bag at night in

someone else's living room with all my peers and

was woken up for the night vigil shift I'd signed up for and didn't know my name.

I didn't know I existed I didn't know I wasn't floating in a void

suddenly things were real and I was trying to catch up with whatever the hell just happened and somehow

I'm expected to form coherent sentences to

reassure the 16 year old next to me that

no I'm fine. I don't need an ambulance, I just

maybe need my soul to come back to my body?

Can you tell me please, who am I.

I launch awake from a dream

I can't remember, but in it I die.

It's not as terrifying as my lucid dreams of

that one genocide that lasts

the whole night. or that

time where I watch my nephews and nieces get

shot one by one and I can't help,

And I watch my family die and

I can't stop the train crash or

the volcano or the pain

and I watch everyone I cannot save

die a thousand times this year but

at least when I wake up I know my own name.

Sometimes,

I die in my dreams, but it's not pretty,

its not poetic I don't know what I can say about it, it's just, I'm gone. I wake up

and don't remember I'm alive.

I don't know what my point is

in this poem. I mostly need to scream.

I just

forgot what it was like to die in my sleep, I guess,

and I wish I could remember, just

once, how it happened.

[taminoarticles]

— Tamino for CRUSH Fanzine, Issue 14 / 2018 (x)

Tamino (Habibi)

Photographed by Nicolas Wagner Interview by Ariel Kenig Styled by Marie Revelut Tamino is wearing Ann Demeulemeester

I'm crazy about him. His music is like a shock to the system. His name is Tamino, and I met him via CRUSHfanzine’s co-editor, Nicolas Wagner, who decided to shoot my new crush while he was in Paris. But Tamino is not only a crush. We could call it love, admiration — the ultimate crush. I am reminded of those rare times when discovering an artist forces you to compare his immensity to others. To err is human, I guess. And yet, when faced with two figures, two faces, two pyramids, the brain needs to differentiate shapes and shades in order to better recognize them. I met Tamino, asked him a few questions. I had a serious look on my face. It didn't last long. Not long enough. Here is my transcript…

“My paternal grandfather died when I was 5 years old. He lived in Cairo. I was always familiar with his songs, primarily via cassettes that my mother would play me when I was little. She thought it was very important that I know where I come from. It's a little strange to see him on YouTube. My dad takes care of those types of things, but it's not easy. My grandfather never really thought about his legacy. There are other singers, like Abdel Halim Hafez, who are still alive and are better known today than my grandfather. His music is everywhere. It would probably be a good thing if my family took steps to showcase this heritage. My grandfather was the first Egyptian singer to play electric guitar on stage. He listened to Elvis Presley… he wrote part of his music himself. As for myself, I write alone. And I do almost everything all by myself. I've been working with a producer whom I met two years ago, on an EP at first. We had such good chemistry that we re-recorded my song “Cigar” together. I told him about my video concept, of that skeleton that stars in the clip, and he produced the song with that idea in mind. That's what I like about him and the guy he's in a two-man band with: they think not only in terms of sound, but of entity. They want to capture the essence of an artist and take it to such-or-such particular idea they have of him, portray him in this or that way, and in my case, take the project to quite majestic heights. You may find it funny, but I don’t write “sad” songs. I mean, I'm not telling the story of a guy sitting alone on his bed with his guitar... I like more epic, more “regal” things. I love Belgian surrealism, that I connect in my work to more Eastern or romantic references. For me, it's a logical juxtaposition... I've not been to Egypt for five or six years, but I'm going back next week. I can’t wait. I like to go closer to the Red Sea, in the less touristy places. I don't have a TV, I don't read the press, and I deleted my Facebook account. I stay abreast of what's happening in Egypt via YouTube. It's strange for me to see that these wars that are rocking the Arab world have existed for thousands of years…

Facebook has too many distractions. I need to stay focused in some sort of flow, to work every day for a long time, whether I end up writing only two sentences or an entire melody. All in all, if you include all the projects and bands in which I participated, I must have written over a hundred songs. For my album, we recorded 18, of which we'll keep 11 of 12. Right now, we're working on mixing it. I studied at the Conservatory, in the popular music department, which gave me a lot of freedom. I worked on my Voice and I continue to maintain it. I am careful not to scream in bars when the music is too loud. It’s easy to end up screaming without even realizing... Although these days, I don't go out much... I don’t have the time. And I have no personal life! [Laughs.] It’s true, it's crazy. I am 21 years old. My life is a little different. You're never around, and when you come out, your friends are surprised: “What? I thought you were in a relationship, I thought you moved.” I don’t feel the age difference with the people I work with. When I was younger, I was very shy, and at the same time, I needed to express myself. It was a weird combination. Nowadays, I'm lining up the tour dates. Our last concert in Paris, at La Maroquinerie, was very moving. My two musicians cried in the middle of the concert. I was getting dewy-eyed myself. It was so intense, to be so well-received in another country. I was reminded of one of our first concerts in Belgium... I think the album will be both an extension of the EP and a synthesis between two themes: romance that can both lift you up and make you vulnerable because you can fall at any time, and indifference to life, in the meaning we give to it, our investment in it. Everyone has a dark side but… I don't know... I do not only write somber music, but I know myself a little bit, so… It's sometimes cumbersome... When you spend too much time looking in the mirror, you end up doing nothing... Sometimes, it's better to just “do,” and the song may tell you something about yourself. A song written in twenty minutes, without too much thinking. This earring? I found it in an old cupboard. It's my mother’s. I'm not sure that she ever wore it.

[theageoftheunderstatement]

Newsweek Magazine: Arctic Monkeys Change Direction Yet Again on 'The Car'

Written by David Chiu, 24/10/2022

When Arctic Monkeys released their sixth studio album, Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino, in 2018, it was viewed as a dramatic left turn for the British band primarily known for their guitar-charged indie rock and the distinct lyrics of frontman Alex Turner. For that record, the British quartet incorporated ornate psychedelic and lounge-pop influences that leaned toward Burt Bacharach and the Beach Boys, with the piano becoming more prominent than the guitar. Yet, those noticeable shifts didn't appear to alienate the band's diehard fans when Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino became the band's sixth consecutive number one album in the U.K.

After that stylistic detour, fans might have expected Arctic Monkeys—Turner, drummer Matt Helders, bassist Nick O'Malley and guitarist Jamie Cook—to return to the earlier brash rock for their next album. But the band from Sheffield remains determined to evolve and defy expectations, as indicated by The Car, released October 21 via Domino Records. It's a continuation of the trippy and elegant after-hours vibe mined on Tranquility Base, although the music—featuring strings and horns this time—sounds more loose, atmospheric and expansive.

"I think there's this idea of when starting a new record [is the] 'we're-not-gonna-make-it-anything-like-the-last-one,'" the pensive Turner tells Newsweek. "But what I realize more often than not is they all seem to bleed into each other. It's only now when I've got this one under the microscope, I realized how much of that is true. I was probably trying to get away from things we've done on that last record. But I think there's still some of that kind of hanging over here into [The Car], but hopefully not to the extent where it isn't also reaching some new places that we haven't been before as well."

A listen to The Car (produced by longtime collaborator James Ford) immediately draws comparisons to the music of such artists as David Bowie (somewhere between his Young Americans and Station to Station albums), Serge Gainsbourg, Nick Cave and Scott Walker as well as '70s R&B and glam—and yet it still sounds like Arctic Monkeys. "I find it a bit more difficult than I have in the past to draw a line between records of other artists and this thing," Turner says. "I could probably pencil in a few. Perhaps the things I've sort of absorbed for a relatively long period of time now just influenced the process but in a more subtle way than having a discussion saying, 'Let's try and do a song like this' or something. It feels a little more unspoken now. Perhaps I'm just still too close to it in the moment."

Unlike Tranquility Base, whose theme centered on a futuristic hotel on the moon, The Car doesn't primarily focus on a particular subject running through the songs' enigmatic lyrics. "I think there is a theme or feel that runs through this whole record, but I don't think it's exclusive to the words," Turner explains. "It's almost easier to latch on to a theme if I take the words out of it for a minute and focus on what the feel of everything else is doing. I think that the lyrics are sometimes subscribing to that feel. And if there is a theme that runs through it, it's more along those lines than it is about XYZ, if that makes any sense at all."

"The first thing I wrote through it was this instrumental section at the beginning of the album," he continues. "Everything that came after that was written after that. It felt like it has a relationship with what was being evoked in that instrumental section. I wouldn't be leaning into the idea of it's just another 10 songs that aren't connected in any way. But at the same time, I don't think I can pin down a theme, not in a succinct sentence anyway."

The first single released off The Car, "There'd Better Be a Mirrorball," carries an air of melancholy amid the gorgeous strings and prominent piano lines, as Turner sings wistfully: "So if you want to walk me to the car you ought to know I have a heavy heart, so can we please be absolutely sure that there's a mirror ball."

"Obviously, you're describing the lead-up to some sort of goodbye line," Turner says, "and suddenly a mirrorball drops into the middle of that situation, which somehow doesn't seem totally incongruous in my mind. Perhaps on some level, the mirrorball is kind of synonymous with the closing of the show or something like that. But I think what I was imagining is carrying someone's suitcase to the car and then the lighting suddenly changes and the mirrorball drops in the middle of that situation. It's like, 'What's going on there?'I think it does feel like there are a few goodbyes here and there."

Introduced by beautiful acoustic guitar picking, the lyrical setting of "Mr. Schwartz" seems to take place at a movie shoot, which seems appropriate given the cinematic feeling of the song and the album. "There is a feeling of that behind-the-scenes of the production," Turner says. "That idea is not exclusive to or contained within just that song....It feels like there is something going on in the background of all these songs, like sort of a production: There's someone with a clipboard somewhere and somebody's up a ladder not too far from where these things are going on. The character of Mr. Schwartz was something that kind of did present itself to me in very real life, but sort of has been allowed to become a character in a song, I suppose."

The sweeping "Body Paint," the latest single, may be the most brash song of the collection. There are moments of electric guitar bursting through the lush orchestrations, while Turner's vocalizing echoes Bowie's '70s soul boy phase. It opens with a line Steely Dan or Prefab Sprout could have written: "For a master of deception and subterfuge you've made yourself quite the bed to lie in." Explains Turner: "It definitely does get pretty sparkly in the guitar toward the end of that. It's loud...more than I had expected it from the sketches of that song that we had before. I had it down for something that was gentle at the beginning. But during the session, there was something that was more lively that wanted to come out there at the end. I think that songs always continue to reveal themselves even sometimes after they've been recorded. We played the version of that on stage for the first time the other day, and it definitely seemed like it's still got somewhere to go. It's becoming a more exaggerated version of itself."

The Car marks another maturation and evolution in Arctic Monkeys' sound. Its release falls on the 20th anniversary of the band's formation. The hype surrounding Arctic Monkeys' arrival in the post-Britpop era has since become the stuff of legend: their early recordings were burned on CDs and given away at their shows, which prompted fans to upload them online. After signing with indie label Domino, Arctic Monkeys released 2006's Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not, which hit number one in the U.K. and became that country's biggest-selling debut. Since then, it has been hit albums, touring and festival appearances for the band. On his end, Turner has been engaged with a side project, the Last Shadow Puppets, whose elaborate sounds may have been a prelude to the music of Tranquility Base and The Car.

"It was the summer of 2002 when we first got all the way through the same song at the same time together," he recalls. "We still are friends like we were before it started, and still trusting each other and our instincts in the same way. " The fact that Arctic Monkeys never made the same album twice most likely contributed to their longevity and friendship. It's been a progression that was more natural than calculated.

"When I cast my mind back to 20 years ago," says Turner, "there's always been something inherently uncooperative. I don't know if that somehow has translated to each time we've been faced with the task of making something new. There's something about not wanting to kind of cooperate with our perception of what we think that should be. I suppose you can arrive at the idea that if one record was successful, the next one should try and emulate or bark up the same tree as that one was. We're not having the board meeting where we're kind of discussing that out loud to that extent. The whole thing in the first place was done on a hunch, on an instinct, and I think that's something we're just still paying attention to, that same instinct all the way along. That's the through line."

Arctic Monkeys will be touring the U.K., Ireland, North America and South America the rest of this year and into 2023. Having branched out on their last two records, it wouldn't be surprising if their next record tackled another genre, perhaps hip-hop or ambient music. Turner says. "Yeah, why not? I'd have to give it some more thought. When I think about my perception of the way people make dance music, I am interested in that approach to it. I'm not saying that it's something I want to do, but I'm interested in watching somebody do it or something for an afternoon."

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Round-up of comedy hours I’ve watched for the first time in the last week or so:

Chris Flemming – Showpig (2018)

Available on YouTube.

I wrote a post about this one already so I won’t get too far into, but I’ll say I really liked it. It’s fun seeing Chris Flemming live – obviously I’m five years late to see it actually live, but still, I’m used to seeing him on his own in videos so it’s fun to see him perform for a live audience. Recently listened to his Comedian’s Comedian podcast episode and learned he did start as a stand-up, got into the YouTube videos from there but was a live performer first and foremost. And you can definitely see that in how good he is at live stand-up. It’s much better than it would be if it were the other way around, a YouTuber doing a live thing.

Chris Flemming has such a dedicated cult following, it’s fun to watch him thrive off the audience’s energy. You can see take how much they enjoy his schtick, use that to lean even further into it. Throw away a line the way he normally would on a YouTube video, but this time there’s a whole audience laughing so he can’t just roll right along like usual, he has to stop to let the laugh happen, and that could mess up the rhythm, except that Chris Flemming is so tuned into the crowd that it works fine. He looks like he’s having a great time, getting the instant feedback, the acknowledgement that all those little lines he glosses over in his videos are worthy of that kind of laugh. And they are.

I still think my favourite thing about Chris Flemming is the causal use of odd similes and metaphors and other little language things, finding uses for words that the vast majority of people would just never be creative enough to think of. My second favourite thing about Chris Flemming is when he doesn’t take a breath for like 85 seconds straight because he has to finish his run-on sentence and a pause would fuck up the timing. My third favourite thing might be his running joke of using “Rob Thomas” as shorthand for everything boring in the world.

Lazy Susan – Forgive Me Mother! (2020)

Available as an episode of that Soho Theatre Live thing, which is on Amazon Prime UK.

I hesitated for a while to watch this one, because sketch comedy isn’t normally my favourite thing. I think as a rule, I’m often not as into visual comedy. The word “as” there is important – obviously I can find visual jokes funny. But a lot of my favourite comedy is stuff that would work just as well if it were audio only (or stuff that is audio only). Even in pure stand-up that doesn’t have visual elements, I don’t often enjoy it when they bring their appearance into things. Though I don’t think that’s just a quirk of my sense of humour; I’m pretty sure it’s objectively (as objective as anything comedy-related can be) annoying how often stand-ups will dedicate at least a few minutes of a set to discussing their appearance. I think I enjoy those kinds of jokes even less than most people do, due to me just not being much of a visual person when it comes to taste in comedy.

Again, obviously, lots of exceptions. Prop comedy can be hilarious, when done very well… but if it’s not done very, very well (in my subjective opinion, I guess I should say “if it’s not done in a way that really, really appeals to me), I’ll get very bored of it very fast. Same with comedy costumes and things. I guess jokes about the comedian’s own appearance are sometimes funny – maybe one in about every fifty of them I hear are things I actually find funny. And I suppose it’s technically possible that there would be a ventriloquist act out there that I’d find funny, though I haven’t seen one yet.

I’ve realized this week that this may be why I don’t watch a lot of sketch comedy. Most sketch comedy is fairly visual, and I tend to not be drawn much toward any visual comedy. Sketches I do enjoy tend to be ones where most of the humour comes from the dialogue. When I watch or listen to comedy compilations, I want to be into the cool cabaret or drag or theatrical stuff, but a lot of the time, I find myself wishing they’d get back to the straight stand-up acts.

With, again, lots of exceptions. Some sketch groups that made it to TV created some incredible TV comedy. Bit of Fry and Laurie is one of the most technically perfect comedy TV shows I’ve ever seen. Last week I spent a whole afternoon re-watching individual Mitchell and Webb sketches on YouTube, laughing quite hard when I managed to not think about the transphobia thing. I mean, some of my favourite comedy when I was a kid was classic sketch-based comedy legend stuff, like Beyond the Fringe and Flying Circus and Ripping Yarns (which were, of course, made by totally unproblematic people who never make me wince about transphobia or any other issues, it’s a pity that John Cleese died in 2007 and therefore hasn’t said a word to anyone since).

Anyway, all of that has almost nothing to do with Lazy Susan. It’s just a tangent about why I think I’m often not that into sketch comedy the way I am into stand-up. Having said all that, I enjoyed the Lazy Susan special a lot. It was classic sketch comedy. Felt slightly like a student theatre-type thing, with the two chairs set up to be used in different ways in different sketches, and the costume changes, and things like that. Though to be fair, I might only think of that as student theatre-ish because I don’t watch much sketch comedy so my only real association with that stuff in a live format is student theatre.

They were just funny. Pretty much every sketch was fucking funny. The throughline tied it all together, when they’d sometimes come back as themselves between sketches and let a story play out that way. I liked the overarching story, I liked the sketches, I liked both the comedians at the centre of it. I liked the loose and fleeting themes, and I liked the way they kept skirting around the idea of having more of a theme. I liked the characters. I liked the ideas. I came out of it saying I’m sorry that I thought I wouldn’t much like this.

The Delightful Sausage – Nowt But Sea (2022)

Filmed for NextUp at the 2022 Edinburgh Festival.

After I enjoyed Lazy Susan so much, I decided to pick another sketch group and watch their hour, to see if I’ll like that too. And I’ll be honest… not for me. It’s good, I’m pretty sure. It got nominated for that award that isn’t called the Perrier (and hasn’t been since like 2007, but all the comedians I hear talk about it still call it that so it’s that in my head), so I’m pretty sure if you like that sort of thing, this is a good example of it. Just not sure it’s for me.

Parts of it did make me laugh. Some of their jokes, especially near the beginning and before they got too far into the story of it, were quite good. I thought the two main performers were naturally funny. I just had trouble getting on board with the physical theatre and the story of it, I kept wishing they’d drop that and get back to making jokes. Which is unfortunate, because I hate comedy fans who watch comedy that does anything narrative or experimental or thematic or emotional, and say, “Get back to making jokes.” I like a lot of things in comedy besides just straightforward jokes. But this just wasn’t really my thing.

Simon Munnery – Hello (2007), Fylm Makker (2013)

Obviously Simon Munnery is a staple of 21st Century British comedy, so it’s weird that I haven’t seen these full specials by now. Though I’ve seen and heard so much of him, in so many different bits and pieces elsewhere, that a lot of the material ended up being stuff I’d already heard. Not that I minded hearing it again, because most of it I enjoyed. I think I first saw Simon Munnery when I watched Stewart Lee’s Alternative Comedy TV show last year, and since then I’ve heard a lot of compilations and things that feature him.

Hello is just over two hours, and I think is meant to cover most of the material he’d done up to that point in his career, which was 2007. Definitely worth watching if you’re interested in Simon Munnery’s work but don’t know where to find it, because those two hours will pretty much catch you up (well, up as far as 2007, but he had a lot of years in comedy behind him by then). Most of the bits didn’t really connect, I’d heard them individually in other places because they were easy to cut out.

Most of it was very funny. Some of it wasn’t really my thing, but most of it was, and what was, I really liked. His props always made me laugh. Pretty sure the hardest I laughed was at this list of quotes he did at the end, though his Alan Parker character came close. The Alan Parker character was very funny. I liked the slam poetry too – it was bad enough to be a solid lampooning of the sort of student activist who does slam poetry, while also being good enough to be entertaining on its own. Some of it wandered into territory where I didn’t quite follow, but that never lasted long. It was great.

I think until I watched this, I didn’t quite appreciate how good some of his one-liners were. Or his other quick jokes – longer than one line, shorter than narrative stand-up. It wasn’t themed, there wasn’t a story or a message, but it still felt coherent and put together with intention. It felt like foundational alternative comedy, like if you ask me what “alternative comedy” is, I’d say it’s a term with too many definitions to be particularly useful and I’m not sure it really means anything, but also, I’d point to that Simon Munnery show and say “it means that”.

Fylm Makker was different, it was its own show rather than a “best of” compilation. Had a very Alternative Comedy gimmick of doing the whole thing into a camera that projected onto a screen on the wall behind the stage, and he kept switching between his own face and illuminating some props he had. I admit he lost me a little in some of that stuff. I don’t find cardboard cutouts quite as funny as your average Simon Munnery fan probably does, but fair enough to him having so many of them, as I’m pretty sure the type of comedian he is attracts the type of fan who really enjoy cardboard cutout-based prop comedy. And even if that wasn’t all for me, a lot of the jokes made me laugh. Some of the format stuff made me laugh. Some of the writing made me laugh. He did his Venn diagram joke, I think the only one he repeated from Hello, and that seems like a good choice, I think I agree with that being the one joke you’d pick as being so good its worth repeating in future years’ shows.

Paul Foot – Swan Power (2023)

Filmed for NextUp last week.

Do you (like me) actually find early Russell Brand (like, Goth Detectives-era Russell Brand) quite funny, but feel vaguely guilty about that because he’s turned out to be so many flavours of horrible person, so you can’t actually enjoy him? Well, may I recommend: Paul Foot. The humour of Russell Brand’s style, in the voice of a man who to the very best of my knowledge has not spread vaccine disinformation or committed any sexual assaults, also he does all that stuff better than Russell Brand ever did anyway. Does that amusing style with creative and witty ideas, not just a bunch of stories about taking drugs and sexually assaulting people. I don’t think I’ve written much about Paul Foot on this blog before, but I really like him.

I’d already heard some of this latest Paul Foot show on the Melbourne Comedy Festival’s YouTube channel, they put up videos of short sets that various comedians did at their galas. I watched a bunch of them, and I think the one Paul Foot did was my favourite of the lot:

So this is the full show from which that bit was taken, I was very pleased when he filmed it for NextUp so I could see the rest of it. And first of all, I’ll say, I absolutely loved that first joke in the YouTube clip and he cut it down in this version of the full show, and I have no idea why. The line “they are, though” (watch that YouTube clip to the get the context of that line, the whole clip’s under five minutes long and it’s so worth your time) made me laugh so hard when I heard it, and it’s not in the full show. I mean, I assume it was in the full show when he was doing it in Melbourne, but it’s not in the thing he filmed for NextUp a couple of months later. He did tell that joke, but an abridged version. No idea why he’d cut part of that joke from the show; clearly, he knew it was a good bit, since he chose to showcase it at the gala. Perhaps he feared being cancelled for heterophobia. Self-censorship comes to us all, he should go on one of those podcasts about it. (Seriously though, why the fuck did he cut it?)

Anyway. That minor gripe aside, I thought this one was excellent. Everything I like about Paul Foot, and a few things I haven’t heard much from him but really liked. All these unconnected bits in a show that didn’t have a particular overt theme, but I came away from it feeling like it did have an underlying one. There were only a few really specific callbacks (and each of those was delightful), but also a few topics came up multiple times in wildly different ways. Those topics included euthanasia, gruesome deaths, violent tragedy, and accusing celebrities of crimes. So, you know, the mark of a comedian who’s been doing this a long time, to develop enough confidence in his ability to run around all over those topics in his offbeat way, and be pretty sure it’ll work. And it does, every time. I didn’t think there was a single weak bit in this show.

A little bit of political messaging, especially near the end, about racist statues and misogynistic YouTube comments. I thought that worked really well too, playing on a few points he’d made earlier, but so subtle and dressed up in so much other stuff that it didn’t feel at all forced. It’s the sort of thing that would get called quirky and possibly even whimsical but it is in fact full of really solid writing that’s based on anger and confusion and just a lot of reality. It’s a style that should be lighthearted and material that isn’t, which is a combination that I think works so well. I really, really recommend this one.

[hide-in-imagination]

12, 14, & 23 for the WIP ask game :D

Thank you!

I'll answer these based on Roads That Cross since that's the WIP you all know-- if anyone wants to ask about another I haven't posted yet, go ahead!

12. Will/do you have multiple drafts or versions of your WIP, and if so, what draft or version are you on right now?

Oof, oh my god. Um, well, as you all know I've been working on Roads for 5 years now, and I don't write in chronological order, so I've basically had 40 different Word documents on my folder for a long time, each for every future chapter. Some scenes have changed throughout the years, mainly because my writing has evolved and because I've gotten better ideas for them since the first time I ever came up with them. I usually just delete what I don't like and rewrite it, but, there are some scenes, especially from chapter 30 and afterward, that are very important and so I don't want to lose anything, no matter how it might no longer fit with the vision I currently have. For those scenes in particular I do keep the old drafts, usually at the bottom of the same document, so that I can go back to the original versions of it and maybe rescue some sentences or feelings that I consider important. Sometimes, it's not about the scene not working out but that I have a lot of different ways that it could go, and they all work in their own way, but I know I'll eventually have to choose just one or mix it all into one because I can't have 10 different versions of the same conversation kjsdn (yes, they're usually dialogue scenes that get the most drafts.) Um, I'd say those scenes are in version #3 by this point ? The oldest dating from 2018 or 2020, then some changes in 2021, and... I can't remember if the last time I touched them was this year or last year. But yeah, that about sums it up🙌🏻

14. What has been the hardest thing about working on this WIP so far?

Not losing motivation, I'd say. It's been a long journey. I'm constantly reading other fics since that's my favorite way of passing time, and while that's partly good for my creativity, it is also kind of discouraging because I'm constantly just seeing people writing way better than I do, and way faster than I do at that, so when you see someone cooking 7k words chapters every week, you kind of look at yourself and go Damn, what the hell am I doing?

It's a little sad to realize you don't really have a talent so you have to work 10 times harder just to reach the level of someone that whips out 12k words like it's nothing. Of course, I could defend myself saying they're writing in their native language while I'm not, but honestly, I know it wouldn't make a difference. My writing would still be the same if I wrote in Spanish, and, in fact, I think it would take me even longer to write because I would be cringing all the time ksjfskjd.

Anyway, in summary, keeping it going has been the hardest part, but I just try to remind myself that I don't need to be Shakespeare, and that, by this point, I just want to finish it so I can put it to rest, so it shouldn't be a big deal and I try not to let it affect me😂

23. What is the weirdest thing you’ve had to google for this WIP so far?

Oh my god, remember "With a new perspective" ? I spent months, MONTHS, googling about bathrooms 🤣🤣🤣 I JUST- again, English is not my first language, so I wasn't sure how to describe the things in Ámbar's bathroom, and hell- not even in Spanish I knew how to call some stuff 😂 Plus, first I had to come up with a mental image of it, so I went on a deep dive on Google Images, Pinterest, etc. And when I found something that I liked, then I had to discover how that specific shape of furniture was called. I became an expert on all the kinds of bathtubs there is 😂😂 I was so insane that my best friend even joked about it, sending me tiktoks "just so you can look at the bathroom" 🤣🤣 The worst part is, the bathroom descriptions weren't even important in that chapter compared to everything that was going on😂😂 But for me it was really important that everyone knew Ámbar had a ceiling-to-sink, wall-wide mirror and that she calls it "the usual bathroom mirror everyone has" because it was funny to me that she believes that's the normal when my bathroom mirror is literally like 40x20cms 😂😂

Anyway, I better stop ranting now. Thank you for the ask! <3

If anyone else wants to do it, the questions are right here.

[wolfjackle-creates]

Ooh, wait, I have thought about this a lot.

I've been off and on writing since I was in highschool. Back then it was with paper and pencil during class. And I never finished anything. Nor was what I wrote that good. But I enjoyed it and it kept me from getting bored in class.

Then I went to college where I had an intense major (18 credits a semester for 2 semesters a year for 5 years then a year of school-sponsored, unpaid internships). I started working part time in my 2nd year, too, so yeah. I managed nano twice during that, but it was literally just word vomit and not that great.

In fact, it took until 2018 for me to really start trying to write again. And I got nowhere until 2020 when I joined a new fandom and made a writer friend and got an idea and forced myself to put it down.

But I wasn't very good. I didn't have the discipline to sit down and write. I needed to really force myself to learn how to craft a story. I had the plot and the characters all figured out, but getting it written? That was hard.

So I wrote something and it wasn't that good. But then I rewrote it and focused on *how* I was telling the story and it got better. It took me so many rounds of editing to get that 24k fic to something I could be proud of. And I am proud of it. After all of that, it turned out pretty damn good if I do say so myself.

And I did that a few more times over the next 2 years.

And then, not quite a year ago, in Nov 2022, I did something new. I'd gotten invested in a new fandom about a year ago (Aug 2022) and this fandom shares prompts like you wouldn't believe. So in November, I saw one that burrowed into my head (hi @gremlin-bot!!!). And I went with it. I went into a haze and wrote 3k in a single night. Only spent 2 days on editing before I posted.

Since then? I've done that a dozen times. If you go to my blog, you can see a masterpost of quite a few stories, the majority of them have been written in the last 10 months.

And what have I realized? My first drafts are getting better. I don't need to do full rewrites and 2 rounds of heavy edits and 4 rounds of line edits to get something that I'm okay with sharing anymore.

If I hadn't started by learning how to edit, I don't think I would've gotten to the point I'm at now. I needed to learn how to fix bad prose before I could learn to write good prose on the first go around. But at the same time, it wasn't until I started writing prolifically that I was really able to improve in leaps and bounds. My improvement before was slow and tedious. Now it's beyond obvious to me. And that's happened in the last 10 months because of how much of it I've done.

But I did need to be an editor first. That is what helped me figure out word choice and sentence structure and how to make a story flow.

I'm not a perfect writer, of course. And there are definitely things I still need to improve (descriptions. I'm not a visual person and I hate trying to describe things). But I'm so much better than I was 3 years ago when I really sat down and wrote my first story to completion.

I’m curious when it comes to getting better at writing, do you genuinely try to fix your mistakes, is it editing or just plain keep writing and writing even if it’s published after the first draft to get better? Like write story after story to get better at writing?

Improving your writing

This is a very interesting question. And I think my answer would be kinda... both? I think the best way to improve your writing is through editing, because it forces you to really think about the writing, the style, the words with intention. BUT creativity is also kinda like a muscle, you need to exercise it. Thus, writing a lot can also be important, it's practice. The more you write and the more you edit, the easier it is to apply the intention you learned by editing while writing. So it kinda goes hand in hand!

What do you guys think?

[clarasghosts]

thanks @duplicitywrites for the tag! i'm finally responding a little into 2023, but i am responding!

this also made me realize how little i actually posted in 2022...

rules:

post the top 5 works you're most proud of that you released in 2022 (not necessarily your most popular),

your top 4 current WIPs that you're excited to release in the new year,

your top 3 biggest improvements in your writing over the past year,

your top 2 resolutions (ways you wish to improve your writing/blog) for the new year,

and your number 1 favorite line you've written this year!

tagging: not sure who to tag, really, since the fic writers i know that haven't already been tagged (i think) are in different fandoms than the one i wrote in this past year. so please, respond if you'd like and tag me!

five works:

turns out i actually only posted for two different works in 2022, so i'll share those:

the garden walls grow quick (15k, wip)

my tomarry hill house au, where harry, hermione, and luna are invited by tom to take part in a supernatural experiment. this is that rare fic i went into without any real plan at all, but writing it was necessary because it's calming for me. hill house (the novel), strangely enough, is like self care for me, so writing a tomarry au of it is like self care, too. (turns out i actually last updated this at the very end of 2021, but whatever, i'm using it here. it doesn't feel like it's been that long because 2020-2022 is actually just one long year)

2. you in my life (3k)

ginny/luna post canon fic i wrote for the background tomarrymort fest. i've always loved the idea of ginny and luna, and i really wanted to write something very human for luna. it's canon compliant apart from the hints of voldemort's survival (since 'tom' is in an established relationship with harry)

works in progress:

the garden walls grow quick

this fic still means a lot to me, and i look forward to continuing it.

2. a hollow grave (20k so far)

i only have one last chapter to write for this tomarry sleepy hollow canon divergence! but endings are the hardest to write. i promise i have not abandoned this fic, and i know how it ends. the ending is actually the idea that inspired me to write the first two chapters.

3. she sought death (14k so far)

whouffaldi, post hell bent. i actually just posted the penultimate chapter of this fic last night! i originally plotted out this murder mystery in 2016, so it's really great to see it finally come together. i fully plan to post the final chapter this year, hopefully within the next month (again, endings are hard to write).

4. in these times (6k so far)

whouffaldi first wizarding war au. i last updated this fic in 2020, but it still lives in my brain always. there's so much in it that i love writing: clara being friends with the other companions, queer rose, bill & heather, magic, and a dark atmosphere.

improvements:

i really thought a lot about what i really meant when i used words like "realize", "knew", etc., and rewrote at least some of the sentences that used those words so i could make the reader realize or know them instead.

a lot of the writing i do doesn't get post on ao3 (academic, poetry, etc.), but i have discovered over the past year that when i have limitations (time limit, specific poetic form), my writing gets stronger because it forces me to really focus on what i'm trying to say, and how i can craft a way to say that as strongly and clearly as possible. i also found out that in poetry, i naturally tend toward 6 or 8 syllables, and that 10 syllables (pentameter) results in me writing garbage lines.

i wrote things! literally writing at all last year was such a win for me. for those of you that have been here for a while, you know that before i finished grad school, i wrote constantly and in abundance. but since 2018, i've barely been able to write anything at all. i've worked a lot on it, and i feel that my biggest obstacle now is my own inner critic who keeps me from writing so i don't write awful things (when writing awful things is a very necessary part of the process). when i try to write, my brain just stops seeing the story, the world, the characters, so i can't get more than a thought or two down. moving through that and writing things at all is a success.

resolutions:

write! write anything and everything. write badly. journal. note down overheard conversations and describe people/places. the only way to write is to write.

don't force something to happen. if a certain project isn't working at the moment, set it aside and work on something new. completing things is important, but there's no joy to be had in throwing yourself against a wall. the momentum to write builds on itself, so this year i just want to keep writing.

one line:

this is actually really hard because i secretly hate pretty much everything i've written over the past few years.

"[Tom's] older than them, though she’s not sure by how much, and the most forward he’s been about his work is that he had left a political career behind for new ventures." (you in my life, because writing dramatic irony can be fun, and 'tom' here is very much voldemort barely pretending to not be voldemort.

[epersonae]

A day being like

Get woken up by cat way too early

Feed the cat

Go back to sleep

Wake up the usual amount of early, write the beginning of a new fic

Wear one of their t-shirts

Walk in the beautiful sunny morning and take pictures of flowers and think about those few days at home over the holiday weekend before they died

Have a totally normal conversation with the barista, show off the fat bees tattoo without explaining that it's in memory of them

Draw a tarot card, remember the card I drew while I was home last year (4 of wands: that deck, which they gave me, is still in time out)

Edit a chapter to post a day late, chat about editing suggestions with my beta

Realize that the next chapter has some Big Sad content so maybe I will try to post it on time

Wonder if they would have encouraged this terrible new idea I started last night, remember the day in 2018 when I wrote something I didn't even ship and they said it was the best kiss I'd ever written

Water the veggies, remember how I had to let last year's garden die, get mad at my old landlord again

Eat open-faced cheese and tomato sandwiches, wish for someone to share the tomato with, remember that Ryn hated tomatoes but they tried once for me

Nap

Wonder if they would have been friends with people I've met through ofmd

Get excited that Emi is liking the mafia AU that I like

Update Straight Guy Friend about who's going to be here next weekend, read his DM grumping about his new copy of Sunset Tree on vinyl has a scratch, remind each other why everyone was excited for cassette and CD back in the day (look at Ryn's record player, the disc on it that I just bought, think again how it was being made while they were still alive, I think, but they never got to hear it)

Remember that yesterday was their best friend's birthday, hope her copy arrives soon

Rubber ducking in video chat

Write a half a sentence of a fic

Write two sentences of a different fic

Feed the cat

My weekly zoom call with my knitting group, hear all about someone's job hunt, give each other project advice, joke about being able to spot common projects "in the wild"

Spent 15 minutes trying to decide whether to go to [redacted] to return something, because [redacted] works there, or at least did several months ago. Do it anyway, he's not there, it's fine.

Get a new idea for how to resolve a plot point while reading discord in the sonic drive thru

Sing out loud in the car on the way home wishing I could sing to them

Don't cry, somehow, all day (so far)

[vibraniumwing]

my stars know about you.

a sam wilson x fem!reader blurb wherein sam finds the old videos the reader has when he was snapped away.

WARNING: a bit of angst and tfatws spoilers for those who haven't watched but aside from that, nothing else.

A/N: ha yes hello i impulsively wrote this bcs my muse was so high all of a sudden and i have this monologue ready for it. listened to this playlist right here and wendy ft. john legend’s written in the stars <3 also, is this still a blurb ??

---

Sam had promised you he would clean around the house while you go on a fun little weekend with Sarah and the boys, wanting to give you more time to relax and be around his family; his lips churning up into a small yet giddy smile at the thought of the small velvet box hiding somewhere in your shared room that contained the necklace you’ve been eyeing whenever the two of you could go out.

He was half-way done with the things hidden in your work drawer when he came across a flash drive that had a label written on it called visual diary. His brows furrowed lightly as walked to his side of the office, opening his laptop and plugged it in, opening the files to see multiple videos titled with dates, the first one from all the way back in 2018.

Sam shifted in his seat, clicking on that certain video only to be greeted by your tear-stained face and bloodshot eyes, under eyes dark from the possible lack of sleep. His heart dropped at the distraught look on your face as you took a deep breath in before looking into the camera.

“hey sam, it’s me. it’s一 it’s been exactly five days since Nat called me about how you were one of the people who, unfortunately, got snapped into non-existence.”

The way you spoke caused goosebumps to form along his skin, realizing that these were probably videos you'd made five years ago, when the snap happened. Sam’s heart was shattered at how lost you looked from the other side of the screen, wanting nothing more than to cradle you in his arms.

“I’m with Sarah right now, she’s sleeping in her room with Aj and Cass. She’s been strong, but you can see the worry in her eyes一 she’s holding up much better than I am though. I’ve been such a mess, I can’t look into the mirror without seeing… feeling you beside me. I miss you.”

Sam stopped the video, his own tears starting to choke him upon seeing the state that you and his younger sister have been. He knew that it was hard, after seeing Sarah struggle with the family business and keeping things together; seeing you wake up at night with cold sweat glistening on your skin as you jolted up from yet another nightmare of him not coming back.

He wanted to stop from diving deep into the videos but his curiosity was stronger. He scrolled through some more videos, randomly clicking on one.

This time, Sam was greeted with a somewhat cheery you, out on the hill you first confessed your attraction to him一 the same night he admitted that he loves you more than a friend, where everything started between the both of you.

“hey there, handsome. i surely hope you can recognize where i’m at right now, if not, then i guess i’m kicking your ass.”

He chuckled, finding your humor amusing despite how lackluster your tone was as you spoke into the camera. Sam reached up to trace your features that were present on his screen, remembering every single feature of yours, engraving it into the forefront of his mind.

“today’s the day we’re supposed to celebrate our first anniversary, sammy. we should’ve been in hawaii by now, swimming with the fishes or explore the beauty of that island. instead, i’m here, in my car alone on the hill where we first admitted our feelings for each other.”

Sam didn’t fail to notice how you were trying your best to hold back your tears, taking note of how your tongue poked the inside of your cheek一 a habit he noticed you would do whenever fighting strong emotions一 and he whispered a small, “Don’t hold your tears back, sweetheart.” and as if you heard him, you let out a small chuckle.

“if you were here right now, i know you would say something like, “don’t bottle those tears up, beautiful” or something along those lines. i want you to know that i’m trying, sam. but it’s hard, it’s been five long months since you’ve been gone and i don’t know how long i can last without hearing you say you love me or your obnoxious laughter that would resonate through the house.”

“I love you, baby.” was all that left Sam’s lips, tongue jutting out to dampen his lips as he listened to you speak, mind blank as too many thoughts about what he wants to say to you as of the moment are too much.

“i’ve told the stars about your laughter. it’s niche and cliche, i know, but mom told me to tell them all about the people i treasure the most whenever i can’t tell others about them.”

“i told them about how beautiful you are一 about how scintillating your eyes are that they could battle even the brightest star in the sky tonight. i let my stars know about how amazing of a chef you are even though you almost burnt my old apartment’s kitchen down because you forgot about the cake you tried so hard to bake.”

Sam cringed at the memory, nose scrunching up in disbelief that he could forget such a simple task; he spent the night apologizing and all you ever did was smile and lean in to give him a kiss in hopes to shut him up.

“i told my stars about how brilliant you are一 how your words are so deep even with the shortest sentences, about how you can easily captivate me and a bunch of others with the stories that you speak… about how much love you have for me and for everyone you care for. it never ceases to amaze me how you can stand up and fight for the people that you love.”

At this point, Sam was already in tears as you shared about how you spoke about him. He adored how your eyes were filled with that well-known fondness you have whenever you speak about something you love.

As the video ended, Sam was left to look at the reflection of himself on the screen, staring at his reflection as your words echoed in his mind. He always listened to you ramble on about how everyone’s destiny was written somewhere in the skies, their lives aligned like the constellations that shined bright in the nighttime.

Normally, he would brush it off, skeptic to that belief but as he tuned into your stories, he can’t help but believe that in what you were saying. Sam was about to play another video when he heard the familiar jangle of your keys in the front door.

Sam pulled out of his chair and raced over there to meet you, immediately engulfing you in a tight hug before you could even close the door. “Hello, beautiful.” he softly greeted, pulling away to place a light kiss on your temple. “How was your weekend away with Sarah and the boys?”

You chuckled softly at the sudden affection he was giving, dropping your duffel bag on the floor to wrap your arms around his torso, feeling how relaxed he was against you. “It was great! Could’ve been better if you were there to be with us.” you answered, reaching up to peck his lips a few times, making the latter smile. “What’s with the affection? Did you break something, Samuel? Wait一 were you crying?”

He shook his head, adamant in admitting that he was, he lifted you up easily as he took you over to your shared office, sitting back down on his office chair with you in his lap as he showed you the compilation of the videos, “I… I found the flash drive while cleaning and I got a little too curious and decided to see what was on it and well, turns out I got a bit more than what I expected.”

“I was going to show them to you one day, Sam.” you admitted, making yourself comfortable as you snuggled up to him, his arms laced around you securely. “But I wanted to make it a bit more… special since this was a very vulnerable time for me.” the softness in your voice made him curl a single digit under your chin to make you look at him.

“I’m sorry that I left you alone for that long, baby girl.” Sam apologized, feeling incredibly guilty for leaving. Despite knowing it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t bring himself to accept that you and his sister had to spend so many years without him. “I know you’ve told me multiple times that I shouldn’t say sorry, but I can’t help it. You’ve waited for so long.”

“And I’ll wait a million more if it meant I could be with you.” you cut him off, shifting slightly to make you face him completely. “You can go anywhere, anytime, for how long and I would wait for you to come back every single time. So please don’t feel guilty about it, love.” your hands holding the sides of his face as you start to pepper it with gentle kisses.

You smile at his peaceful expression, “My heart is in peace knowing that we’re written somewhere in the stars.” you say to him softly, squishing his cheeks in a playful manner, light laughter filling up the room.

Sam smiled, sealing the feather-like kisses with his lips on yours, capturing it for an intimate one that conveyed how much love he has for you, resting his forehead on yours right after. “You know that I love you, right Y/N?”

“I do and I love you so much more, Sam.”

---

TAGLIST: @https-bvcky @harrysweasleys @selenasprompts @weasleytwins-41 @anchoeritic @marvel-diaries @demirunner @barneswidow @lovecroftreads @punkrific @6r4cie @yougottalovefandoms @swiftssss

to those whose urls are in bold, i can't tag you for some reason. join my taglist! it's in my main main masterlist <3

[vibraniumphoenix]

my stars know about you. [ s.w ]

a sam wilson x fem!reader blurb wherein sam finds the old videos the reader has when he was snapped away.

WARNING: a bit of angst and tfatws spoilers for those who haven’t watched but aside from that, nothing else.

A/N: ha yes hello i impulsively wrote this bcs my muse was so high all of a sudden and i have this monologue ready for it. listened to this playlist right here and wendy ft. john legend’s written in the stars <3 also, is this still a blurb ??

updated a/n: BYE I FORGOT THAT I WROTE THIS AKDFNKFJN my heart is so soft hhhh

---

Sam had promised you he would clean around the house while you go on a fun little weekend with Sarah and the boys, wanting to give you more time to relax and be around his family; his lips churning up into a small yet giddy smile at the thought of the small velvet box hiding somewhere in your shared room that contained the necklace you’ve been eyeing whenever the two of you could go out.

He was half-way done with the things hidden in your work drawer when he came across a flash drive that had a label written on it called visual diary. His brows furrowed lightly as walked to his side of the office, opening his laptop and plugged it in, opening the files to see multiple videos titled with dates, the first one from all the way back in 2018.

Sam shifted in his seat, clicking on that certain video only to be greeted by your tear-stained face and bloodshot eyes, under eyes dark from the possible lack of sleep. His heart dropped at the distraught look on your face as you took a deep breath in before looking into the camera.

“hey sam, it’s me. it’s一 it’s been exactly five days since Nat called me about how you were one of the people who, unfortunately, got snapped into non-existence.”

The way you spoke caused goosebumps to form along his skin, realizing that these were probably videos you’d made five years ago, when the snap happened. Sam’s heart was shattered at how lost you looked from the other side of the screen, wanting nothing more than to cradle you in his arms.

“I’m with Sarah right now, she’s sleeping in her room with Aj and Cass. She’s been strong, but you can see the worry in her eyes一 she’s holding up much better than I am though. I’ve been such a mess, I can’t look into the mirror without seeing… feeling you beside me. I miss you.”

Sam stopped the video, his own tears starting to choke him upon seeing the state that you and his younger sister have been. He knew that it was hard, after seeing Sarah struggle with the family business and keeping things together; seeing you wake up at night with cold sweat glistening on your skin as you jolted up from yet another nightmare of him not coming back.

He wanted to stop from diving deep into the videos but his curiosity was stronger. He scrolled through some more videos, randomly clicking on one.

This time, Sam was greeted with a somewhat cheery you, out on the hill you first confessed your attraction to him一 the same night he admitted that he loves you more than a friend, where everything started between the both of you.

“hey there, handsome. i surely hope you can recognize where i’m at right now, if not, then i guess i’m kicking your ass.”

He chuckled, finding your humor amusing despite how lackluster your tone was as you spoke into the camera. Sam reached up to trace your features that were present on his screen, remembering every single feature of yours, engraving it into the forefront of his mind.

“today’s the day we’re supposed to celebrate our first anniversary, sammy. we should’ve been in hawaii by now, swimming with the fishes or explore the beauty of that island. instead, i’m here, in my car alone on the hill where we first admitted our feelings for each other.”

Sam didn’t fail to notice how you were trying your best to hold back your tears, taking note of how your tongue poked the inside of your cheek一 a habit he noticed you would do whenever fighting strong emotions一 and he whispered a small, “Don’t hold your tears back, sweetheart.” and as if you heard him, you let out a small chuckle.

“if you were here right now, i know you would say something like, “don’t bottle those tears up, beautiful” or something along those lines. i want you to know that i’m trying, sam. but it’s hard, it’s been five long months since you’ve been gone and i don’t know how long i can last without hearing you say you love me or your obnoxious laughter that would resonate through the house.”

“I love you, baby.” was all that left Sam’s lips, tongue jutting out to dampen his lips as he listened to you speak, mind blank as too many thoughts about what he wants to say to you as of the moment are too much.

“i’ve told the stars about your laughter. it’s niche and cliche, i know, but mom told me to tell them all about the people i treasure the most whenever i can’t tell others about them.”

“i told them about how beautiful you are一 about how scintillating your eyes are that they could battle even the brightest star in the sky tonight. i let my stars know about how amazing of a chef you are even though you almost burnt my old apartment’s kitchen down because you forgot about the cake you tried so hard to bake.”

Sam cringed at the memory, nose scrunching up in disbelief that he could forget such a simple task; he spent the night apologizing and all you ever did was smile and lean in to give him a kiss in hopes to shut him up.

“i told my stars about how brilliant you are一 how your words are so deep even with the shortest sentences, about how you can easily captivate me and a bunch of others with the stories that you speak… about how much love you have for me and for everyone you care for. it never ceases to amaze me how you can stand up and fight for the people that you love.”

At this point, Sam was already in tears as you shared about how you spoke about him. He adored how your eyes were filled with that well-known fondness you have whenever you speak about something you love.

As the video ended, Sam was left to look at the reflection of himself on the screen, staring at his reflection as your words echoed in his mind. He always listened to you ramble on about how everyone’s destiny was written somewhere in the skies, their lives aligned like the constellations that shined bright in the nighttime.

Normally, he would brush it off, skeptic to that belief but as he tuned into your stories, he can’t help but believe that in what you were saying. Sam was about to play another video when he heard the familiar jangle of your keys in the front door.

Sam pulled out of his chair and raced over there to meet you, immediately engulfing you in a tight hug before you could even close the door. “Hello, beautiful.” he softly greeted, pulling away to place a light kiss on your temple. “How was your weekend away with Sarah and the boys?”

You chuckled softly at the sudden affection he was giving, dropping your duffel bag on the floor to wrap your arms around his torso, feeling how relaxed he was against you. “It was great! Could’ve been better if you were there to be with us.” you answered, reaching up to peck his lips a few times, making the latter smile. “What’s with the affection? Did you break something, Samuel? Wait一 were you crying?”

He shook his head, adamant in admitting that he was, he lifted you up easily as he took you over to your shared office, sitting back down on his office chair with you in his lap as he showed you the compilation of the videos, “I… I found the flash drive while cleaning and I got a little too curious and decided to see what was on it and well, turns out I got a bit more than what I expected.”

“I was going to show them to you one day, Sam.” you admitted, making yourself comfortable as you snuggled up to him, his arms laced around you securely. “But I wanted to make it a bit more… special since this was a very vulnerable time for me.” the softness in your voice made him curl a single digit under your chin to make you look at him.

“I’m sorry that I left you alone for that long, baby girl.” Sam apologized, feeling incredibly guilty for leaving. Despite knowing it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t bring himself to accept that you and his sister had to spend so many years without him. “I know you’ve told me multiple times that I shouldn’t say sorry, but I can’t help it. You’ve waited for so long.”

“And I’ll wait a million more if it meant I could be with you.” you cut him off, shifting slightly to make you face him completely. “You can go anywhere, anytime, for how long and I would wait for you to come back every single time. So please don’t feel guilty about it, love.” your hands holding the sides of his face as you start to pepper it with gentle kisses.

You smile at his peaceful expression, “My heart is in peace knowing that we’re written somewhere in the stars.” you say to him softly, squishing his cheeks in a playful manner, light laughter filling up the room.

Sam smiled, sealing the feather-like kisses with his lips on yours, capturing it for an intimate one that conveyed how much love he has for you, resting his forehead on yours right after. “You know that I love you, right Y/N?”

“I do and I love you so much more, Sam.”

---

[vanillabutspicy]

Hi! Happy FFWF!! Is there a sentence or scene that you can vividly see in your mind while reading it? Is it from your own fic (and ofc add a shameless plug in if it is) or is is from someone else's fic? Also, what made you interested in drawing and writing fanfic?

(Peaches made me curious lmaooo, also sorry for the bombarding of questions!)

Happy ffwf croisty!!

I like this question because I can talk about someone else's writing!! The first thing that came to mind is the beginning of Just A Taste by @tofuandtattoos which lives rent free in my mind and yes I see it SO CLEARLY. It's one of those moments that lasts so long but in the best way because it's so loaded and the tension just keeps escalating from the smallest gestures. I love it. They're just standing in the kitchen making dinner and then suddenly it's erotic. Um, I live for that.

As for how I got into fan art and fanfics, omg wow this answer turned so lonngggggg I need to put it in after a cut.

It was sort of a bunch of things that came together for me to land here. I watched ATLA for the first time in 2018, and it was so long after it aired that I didn't even think to look into the fandom of it all. Then when it was put on netflix, that was right around the same time that I started to figure out reddit, so I realized I could find an ATLA community!

At the same time, I was enjoying the summer weather by working outside on my deck in a lawn chair every day, with very poor posture, and it led to a back injury because of a preexisting vertebral defect that I had no idea I had! PSA: ergonomics are important!!!!!! Anyway, I had to change my way of being and existing and spending time in the world to avoid pain. I needed a sedentary hobby and I also needed an outlet for the fact that there were things I wanted to do that I couldn't physically do without severe pain for a while.

Plus, in those reddit ATLA communities, I was very disappointed with what I found when I went looking for some spicy content. Kataang was so underrepresented! As if their relationship is too boring. And most of the art that I saw (of any of the pairings) often put female characters in poses/scenarios where they were objectified or demeaned. Not at all the kind of scenes I would associate with a relationship like kataang. (I did find some wonderful kataang art but it was from artists who stopped drawing them years ago, which was also very sad... and when I think of how much was potentially lost in the tumblr purge I'm just fjkhdsghkjdsg ugh it's tragic.)

So the name "vanillabutspicy" was really inspired by my spite against the reddit content that I didn't like LOL. And I started drawing it to prove a point, to keep myself entertained, to scratch an itch, and just to wallow in the wonderful goodness that is kataang. Because oh boy you just know they'd have the most fulfilling times.

I started writing for similar reasons. I liked reading fanfic, but I hadn't found the exact story that I wanted to read, so I wrote it myself. Writing and drawing have both been so great for me personally. I honestly don't know what I'd be doing with my free time right now if not for this fandom. Probably knitting I guess? My friends circle would look different for sure. Life be cray sometimes, in the best ways.

[taekooktimeline]

December 31st, 2019 / January 1st, 2020

Following New Year’s Countdown, members take turns to talk about their resolutions. Tae says he wants to occupy himself with activities that heal his mind, although we understand it’s simply to maintain or - if possible - increase the level of happiness he experienced during 2019 as he said it was a happy year.

Jungkook interjects, interested in knowing whom he would do such activities with. If we go over prior events we can see that Tae had been going on trips with his family and various friends, including him & the wooga squad on a yacht, while Jk saw his own friends and relatives, complaining about Jhope and Jimin being the only members he had seen during their 1 month-long vacation on mid 2019, which could or could not be true, but if Taekook briefly saw each other they wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere outside an apartment. Jungkook could be bothered by this lack of private adventures and shared experiences (disregarding their variety shows). Wooga squad had also met up during Christmas Eve. Again, we don’t know if Tk spent some little time together or not.

Tae responds by saying there are many things that he can do alone. That answer doesn’t quite satisfy Jungkook who asks “not with us?”. It seems like Jungkook thought that they could be hanging out more than what they were and that Taehyung was going overboard with the closeting to the point of slightly distancing himself (although not reaching awkwardness like they later tried to sell).

Jungkook actually wrote a song that could give insight into this situation since it could have been written around this time. The Japanese demo was finished before March 2020 since it was first mentioned then, probably written only a few months before. Jk drew a big, artistic eye on a whiteboard on Dec 4th, which suggests he was already working on the songs’ adaptation to the Japanese film which gave it its name. This means he wrote the Korean version before December of 2019 and it had nothing to do with the pandemic. “Your Eyes Tell” talks about Jk being fearful of someone leaving him, even crying over it. He wants this person to believe him when he says that he wants a future with them no matter the hardships, even if he can’t say it out loud yet (meaning not ready to come out yet?) and his past demons haunt him sometimes (his lowest being late 2017/ early 2018). To believe him when he says that he finds this “darkness” to be beautiful if they are together. He says the world would be dull without the other and that he won’t take his eyes off of this person making sure that they don’t leave his side. If we assume this person to be Tae then, for whatever reason, Jk sensed that Tae was doubting Jk’s determination to keep going with their relationship, maybe due to the added difficulties that came with living in different apartments since around July 2019 and the weight of the prolonged closeting strategies. Jk may have interpreted the beginning of what seemed like a distancing as some sort of test where Tae gave him an easy way out or feared that if the situation progressed in this direction Tae would end up falling into thoughts that went something like “I should be the one to put an end to this for Jungkook’s sake” so he instead reassured him about his love through a ballad. It’s unclear whether Jk had real reasons to worry or he was just insecure about the changes in their relationship (living situation + heavier closeting = less private time together) and linking them to Tae’s past tendencies where he thought Jk would be better off without him.

Continuing with the topic, the night prior to this vlive Tae announced that he had recently written the first version of a song. It was written somewhere between the 14th & the 31st of December of 2019 and it seems like he was talking about “Sweet Night”, a song that was said to be completed by the start of March 2020 for the drama “Itaewon Class”. While we think that this song is based on Tae’s past experiences (finding common ground with the drama) from when he first realized he was deeply in love, unsure if the other still felt the same way, it was necessary for him to be able to relive the emotions he once felt, as he explained about his general creation process. The song tells that they had already crossed the line or grazed it at some points, but the sentence “are you my best friend?” & the part where he regrets realizing he’s in love only after the opportunity had passed are much more fitting to earlier in their relationship when things had never been labeled as romantic nor gotten serious, prior to an actual relationship ever ensuing which only happens at the end of the drama (not compatible with their mutual, unwavering gestures of love & compromise done throughout the previous years in addition to them “hiding” things like them sharing hotel room = having a serious relationship). The adaptation of Tae’s beloved webtoon inspired him to rediscover these emotions as it was also an opportunity to be part of an OST for a drama that his friend had a role in, but it also makes you wonder if he was truly in danger of going through the regression that Jk feared, Tae’s mind going back to the time they missed out on love. The song includes phrases such as “now my forever is falling down wondering if you’d want me now”, “I wonder if you are too good to be true” & “guess we were ships in the night” (meeting for a brief moment, or coming close to doing so, but then losing sight of each other due to the darkness). This last sentence is perhaps the most worrisome because it feels timeless, easily applicable to his musings at the time of writing, knowing they have to hold on tight to not part ways again because, as Jk reassuringly says in YET: “even this darkness we see is beautiful”.

”Sweet Night” opens with the lyrics “on my pillow/can’t get me tired/sharing my fragile truth”. On the 14th of December of 2019 Tae said he couldn't sleep well those days and that it could be due to it being the end of the year. It’s something he recouringly has trouble with so it can remind him of other occasions in which he had that problem. He usually writes down his emotions in his diary and revisits them. He also mentioned Itaewon Class.

On the 31st of December he then said he wrote a song.

The 6th of March of 2020 he talks about “Sweet Night”. He was saying it was hard to convey how he wanted the instrumental to sound to the staff (“express what’s in his mind”), but it was completed briefly before this vlive.

Regardless, “Your Eyes Tell” tries to retain someone BEFORE the end approaches, acting as a reassurance in case the other doubts (similar to “My Time”, released in February of 2020, where he promises they’ll overcome the restrictions), and we don’t think they broke up in 2019 due to many reasons, among them Tae saying in his final comments that it was a happy year with no particularly sad moments. January 25th was then the start of Tae being quite loud on Weverse throughout 2020 by mentioning Jungkook the most out of the members on free will (disregarding their iconic public exchange initiated by Jk on the 15th) and giving special attention to Jk-related questions as well as Taekook-related usernames. An indication of Jk’s efforts having an effect and Tae feeling encouraged to add subtle ways in which he could play with or challenge the exaggerated closeting limitations? An interesting set of rings also appeared within the month of January and it must’ve been Tae who gave Jk two rings out of the set of five that he initially wore himself. Jk held dearly onto them.

[maryannechisholmart]

An Artist Emerges

This is a story about my past.

The idea of telling my story is so immense, it is almost insurmountable, overwhelming. It was painful for all involved. For me personally it was a time of self examination, and self-destruction.

My story was not told in the traditional sense, it was told through art.

In the beginning I remember feeling so much anger, and so much despair. I didn’t think I would ever believe in anything, or anyone again.

I was in prison, after being sentenced in 2005 to 27 to 32 years, for white collar crimes another man I confessed to. While this was happening more and more charges were piled on. I watched the real time destruction of my character; our lives and everyone I loved. I watched people I had considered friends sell my freedom, in exchange for keeping material things.

The longest charge I had was for corporate board of directors insurance fraud, 19.25 years. My signature stamp was used on a form, and the only claim filed was not by me. It would have only paid in the event of my death. After this, It was actually rescinded, no damages were claimed. I was given 19.25 years for that charge. In Arizona, ignorance of the crime is not defense of the crime. In Arizona the CEO is culpable.

The first thing they did was take all of our money. The second thing they did was disgorge all of our attorney fees so we had no representation. The third thing they did was file a civil lawsuit and said if we defended ourselves, it would be used against us for prosecution. We were forced to stand back and watch. The state only wanted the money, and they took it all, including our home.

My husband was not allowed in the courtroom My entire support network were named witnesses so they could not appear in the courtroom to support me. On the last day I finally burst into tears which was reported in the papers.

Through this I felt like I couldn’t even speak. So my speaking came in the form of paintings. This is the story of my collection of days, of emotions, I’ve survival and forgiveness not only of the ones who did it to our family, but also for myself. Other people were hurt because I fought back. In the end I realized it didn’t even matter. There was no truth that anyone cared about other than my family. It simply did not matter.

I befriended Mexican national girls so that I wouldn’t have to talk to people. I could smile, or cry, and the language barrier prevented explanations. It was healing. I did this for the majority of the years I was first there.

I spent years alone. Living indoors, not able to see or speak with my family for weeks, if not months, at a time. I thought of taking my own life, although I never would’ve done that; for it would’ve been the ultimate act of selfishness. The thoughts were always there, though.

Later, I thought of it as karmic punishment for bad choices. I always defended my innocence in the charges themselves, but I had made so many poor decisions. The most paramount of which was not seeking treatment for my mental illness, and allowing compulsive behavior to destroy my life and others. I was sick and tired of being unhappy, I did not want to be a victim.

I decided to use my time in prison to help other people. To channel that instead of hate, or rage. I painted to lift spirits, I gave paintings to people who have lost loved ones. I joined up with the ACLU to sue the department of corrections in the state of Arizona for improved medical care for prisoners. We won a settlement which did not include any money for any of us, all the settlement included was improved medical care for the prisoners in the state of Arizona. I felt that I needed this time in my life to count for something. I felt that I could show my children that they could be done even in this horrible place.

I waited for relief in prison for 14 years. On December 11, 2018 I was finally released. I survived by creating art to describe how I coped with each day. It is an odd thing to be defined by other people. To listen to other people tell a story that they have decided is truth.

I will use the space to talk about the paintings I made, on the days they were made, and why they were such an important part of my past. They were my diaries, they were my communication with spirit and with the world.

I created “the agony of faith, while life hangs in the balance” to convey the excruciating effort faith required in prison. This was not a place for a person who was once an optimist. I had to make a conscious decision not to listen to anyone who is negative. Pretty much everyone there was negative.

I wrote a poem and painted, and drew in ink, every tiny nuance of this chaos and miserable stress in this painting. The gears were my need to be a machine in this time. I could not have human emotion, I had to be robotic.Wake up, survive till the evening…then sleep.

Underneath that, I was still a human being that was hurting, and felt that I just might not have a reason to survive after this. When my thoughts were that dark, this little voice inside of me would say “No”. I forced myself to think of flying away with the victory of appeal. Forced myself to think of bright colors that existed in the real world that I couldn’t see in this grey existence. This was an expression of my soul pleading for reasons to continue to have faith. It is why I chose this piece to be the first ever exhibited.

I’ve created an animated GIF as the NFT, but this piece also comes with a high resolution static image, and an original oil painting. It is one of the last oils I will do with an NFT. I wanted to memorialize it. I believe it has resonated with people as it has over 1.3 million views (Twitter/GIPHY)

The agony of faith, while life hangs in the balance “

"I have known,

While numb

The sweet anguish of hope.

The return of love

The reward of unconditional faith

A decision

That it would not all end in despair."

2008 - Maryanne Chisholm

https://foundation.app/@MCArtist/the-agony-of-faith-while-life-hangs-in-the-balance-52055

Maryanne Chisholm

August 2, 2021

[daggerzine]

A chat with Kiki of Kiki’s House of Righteous Music in Madison, Wisconsin  (by Eric Eggleson)

A friend and I recently had the pleasure of attending a show at Kiki’s House of Righteous Music. It’s truly amazing what Kiki Schueler has put together in her basement (and in her backyard as well). I had heard about her shows, but I never got the chance to go to one. When Jason Ringenberg was scheduled; I knew I had to go. Think of a bunch of friends gathering together in someone’s basement listening to music you love. There are gig posters all over the walls from many great concert venues in the Midwest. And then, in walks a national recording artist who begins sharing his life and his music. Needless to say, we were amazed. Kiki welcomed us into her home and her love of music is obvious when you meet her. I asked her if she would answer a few questions for Dagger and she agreed.

When did Kiki’s House of Righteous Music start?

Back in 2005, I had just read an article about house concerts when my friend Tim Easton sent an email looking for show ideas in between Chicago and Minneapolis.  I cautiously offered, “you could play here…”  He immediately wrote back, “I was hoping you would say that!”

How do you choose artists?

It has to be someone I love.  I don’t book artists I haven’t seen.  I’ll do a show anytime someone I want to play can play.  Sometimes I contact them; sometimes they find me.

Which artist has played the most?

Jon Dee Graham.  He first played show #3 in 2007 with The Silos and has played a total of 23 times.  Although Robbie Fulks (18) and Jon Langford (21) are threatening for the lead.

What are some of your most memorable artist performances? 

The Baseball Project show after Scott McCaughey had recovered from a stroke.  It was their first show outside the Seattle area, and it is always surreal to have half of REM in my basement.  Robbie Fulks has brought some truly amazing musicians with him, and his shows are always transcendent.  Andre Williams with the GoldStars; he’s still the only artist to have changed his outfit for the encore.  The Figgs have played marathon thirty plus song shows, and no one is ever ready for them to stop.  Jon Langford and John Szymanski playing for a dozen people in the backyard last fall. This was the only live music anyone had seen in months.

Who would you like to perform?

Lou Barlow, Joe Ely, Dave Simonett, MC Taylor, Craig Finn, Bill Kirchen, John Darnielle, the list goes on, some more realistic than others.

How has Covid-19 affected you?

I watched a lot of streaming shows in the last year and a half, and it totally worked for me, so I didn’t miss live music as much as some people did.  I still went to work most days.  I missed doing the shows of course, but I was just as happy reading books and watching movies.  Turns out I might be an introvert, who knew?

How many shows have you lost because of it?

I think I had to cancel about fourteen.  Since I usually do thirty plus shows a year, it’s safe to say I lost at least that many.

What’s your day job?

I work at UW Madison as a researcher in a lab in the Biochemistry department.

You have a great situation happening, what suggestion would you give to help other people to start doing what you do? 

It never hurts to ask.  If there is someone you want to play, just ask. 

A good place to start is with Undertow (https://undertowshows.com/pages/about-undertow). They set up living room shows for a number of artists, and they make it really easy to do your first show by walking you through the how to’s.  Bonus, they take care of tickets.

For the show I went to, Jason said he gets all the ticket sales. Who pays for the sound guy? What’s in it for you?  

I’ve been very lucky to find sound people who volunteer their time in exchange for dinner and a few beers.  And of course, a great show.  For me, I get to see a band I love in my basement.

Have you had any backlash or bad situations with artists/neighbors?

Never anything bad with the artists, everyone has been great and very happy to be here.  Most of my neighbors think what I’m doing is cool.  In the early days, they would see all the cars, but no people inside, so I think they were happy to find out that I was having music in my basement and not something else.  There have been a few complaints about parking, but none about noise.

I loved the Sessions at McPike Park concert you set up in Madison with Chuck Prophet and Bonnie Whitmore. How did that come about? Do you do this kind of thing often because of your connections?

Bob Queen asked if I’d be interested in curating a night of the Sessions back in 2018, though I still don’t know what prompted him to ask me.  I think he was looking for someone with a different perspective.  This year was my third, and every show has been a blast.  I don’t do it often, just the Session once a year; for the most part, the basement is big enough for me.

Top Ten desert island discs? (If you were stuck on a desert island, what 10 albums would you HAVE to have with you?)

There’s only two I have to have- Bob Dylan Blood on the Tracks and Chris Mills The Silver Line, three through ten probably change on a daily basis.

First record or piece of music you bought?

Billy Joel The Stranger

What are some of your favorite concert venues?  

The Hideout in Chicago, Fitzgerald’s in Berwyn, The Turf Club in St Paul and Café Carpe in Ft. Atkinson.            

Favorite live shows? Bob Dylan, Robbie Fulks, Ha Ha Tonka, Dead Man Winter, and Hiss Golden Messenger.

Finish this sentence:  I want to be remembered for…

My band T-shirt collection?  I don’t need to be remembered, I just want everyone to have a good time right now.

That is so true. Kiki’s love of music is something she has to share with other like-minded people. At first I thought it was the joy of finally seeing a live show because of Covid-19 cancelling so many concerts; but watching, fully masked, made me realize it’s the warmth Kiki’s shows brings to the music scene. My friend and I hope to go back soon. We missed Steve Wynn, but maybe we’ll catch him next time around.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/363474586571/

[lumisnowy]

I am telling you my story today. And maybe you will find help and advice.

Hey, I'm sam.

I know we don't know each other and you're going to read the story here for a second.

It's a dramatic love story. A love story where two people loved each other more than anything. At least I thought so.

I met a nice boy two years ago. End of 2018. We became good friends. We had a lot in common, a lot of fun and joy in our presence. We wrote rpg, talked about deep stuff and were actually on the same wavelength. We liked each other. And everything was perfect. Very perfect.

At some point something else became. At some point the boy confessed his love to me. After a relatively short time. Even though we knew each other since elementary school. We never got closer. Until we started writing rpg. And there we were already twenty years old. So he confessed his love to me. It threw me off track relatively, flattered me. I didn't feel a thousand percent the same. But I liked him just as much. And that also showed him, I showered him with my love. Special love. I was there for him, healed his wounds, licked his blood, caught his tears, he was always allowed to call. No matter when, where and how. Always. I often slept with him. His body warmth was wonderful. He was unique. But at some point it got weirder, but I never really saw or noticed that.

But others noticed it. Through my behavior. I was kind of drained of energy. But I didn't hear it. Because maybe I did not want to hear it? I wanted to be there for him. And I promised him that. And I always take my promises seriously. Even when people said he was no good for me. I didn't care. I was in love.

So much in love that I let it happen to me. Stupid, right? I was being beaten up, pushed on the floor and jumped on. I was killed inside. But I was smiling. And in my head: he is so great, sweet and loving. I can't live without him. I don't want to be without him. I won't be without him.

I went through it until I realized it myself. Noticed what happened. But I still don't care what.

He went to a psychiatric hospital in 2019. I came to visit him almost every day. He said he was the first one who really came to visit him so often. That made me special. I always wanted to be special for him. So I stayed with him.

This year became even more different. He became weird, strange and even more hurtful. He said things like: your illness is not as bad as mine.

I did not care. And then came August-October. I was ignored. My problems and worries did not matter. No matter how many times I said it. It didn't matter, but I should be there. I just couldn't do it anymore. My I was broken.

Finally we had a conversation. I count sentences that he said to me:

You wanted to scare me away.

You were to blame for the last two years.

I can't stand the sight of you.

You are a bad person.

Everything that happened is your fault.

I depend on you, that's why I'm still here.

You don't interfere with my life, so I'm letting you stay.

My reaction:

I love you. But however much I love you... I have to go. I took his face in my hand. I kissed him tenderly on the forehead. and I left.

And now after a month he has someone new. He told me he loved me in November. And had someone new right after that.

And me? Sitting here and crying. I cry after someone and am lovesick. And that person has replaced me.

And what do we learn from that?

Trust only yourself. Take care of yourself. Only yourself. People are cruel no matter what you are or what you do. Take care of yourself. People can look like an angel, but act like a monster.