#i realize this post can attract people with no reading comprehension but I needed to say it

[microfeelings]

You know before I started reading Dungeon Meshi I thought people were calling Laios autistic because "haha, hes soo quirky with his hyperfixation on monsters, hes so silly <3" type of way that tumblr loves to do to characters. But no, I get it now

[rainbowcolored7]

I posted 7,268 times in 2022

That's 6,285 more posts than 2021!

432 posts created (6%)

6,836 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@omarandjohnny

@nattaphum

@smittenskitten

@maleficent-cannoli

@negrowhat

I tagged 6,763 of my posts in 2022

Only 7% of my posts had no tags

#kinnporsche - 2,099 posts

#kinnporsche the series - 1,241 posts

#vegaspete - 521 posts

#beyond evil - 328 posts

#mile phakphum - 297 posts

#😂😂😂 - 288 posts

#apo nattawin - 267 posts

#kinnporsche art - 249 posts

#kinnporsche cast - 237 posts

#jeff satur - 210 posts

Longest Tag: 121 characters

#baby chay comes out to porsche and then years(?) later porsche gets to come out to chay and that's soooo💗😭😭🌼🌸🌈❤🌸💕

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Kim is the most terrifying brother and nobody can convince me otherwise. The way Jeff's eyes emote such violence and vicious danger??? I'm obsessed.

297 notes - Posted June 25, 2022

#4

Okay, now that I've had some time to rewatch and mull over all the information we have so far, I'm going to try and lay out my thoughts. It's gonna get long, I'd meant to do a strictly novel analysis of the scene before it aired, but life got in the way as usual. But I'm kind of glad, 'cause now I can compare the two.

There will be discussion of both the show and the novel below the cut, so if you're not interested in the novel or spoilers please pass this post by.

I'm going to start this off by saying that I am truly happy with the changes they've made in the show when it comes to the consensual aspect of the story between Kinn and Porsche. Also, as a warning, I'm going to be pulling personal experiences out to try and get my thoughts across properly. And, I don't do posts like this, like ever, so sorry if I make zero sense or talk way too much. I just have a lot of thoughts, and on the rare occasion my brain allows me to comprehensively share those thoughts, I need to take advantage.

Let's start this off from the beginning of episode 4. Porsche wakes up in Pete's bed, knows he kissed someone, can't remember, and spends the rest of the first half of the episode trying to piece things together. I know we like to joke about Porsche having a single braincell (and honestly sometimes boy... lol) but he's not an idiot and he does know how to read people. You can't be a good bartender or survive taking care of your family, young and alone, without having a decent grasp on human nature.

I think when Kinn called him up to the balcony and started asking him questions he left that conversation with a flickering of oh, I remember something happened and now Kinn is acting strangely (a theme he vocalizes later in the sauna). I think he's thinking, what did I do this time to make Kinn act so strangely (soft and flirtatious and joking around) towards me?

After he sees Kinn with his escort, realizes Kinn is gay, remembers what happened on the pier, and that what happened wasn't something he did but Kinn kissing him, he asks Pete if you should kiss someone you don't like (and the subtitles changed so don't at me...) , or aren't in a relationship with (or perhaps intentionally pursuing because you like them). Now, obviously, you can kiss people you don't like, but perhaps are just physically attracted to, and I'm sure something is lost in the translation. That or I'm just reading too much into it and Pete saying you only kiss people you like, 'cause baby boy, that ain't true. Side note, I have a feeling Pete might come to realize it isn't true when we get to the point of him with Vegas, but that's an entirely different egg to crack open. (I have also not read that far.)

Now, here, is where I want to point out just how differently Porsche reacts to what happened and how fucking ecstatic I am that they changed it completely. In the novel, Porsche struggles with a lot of internalized homophobia, though he's okay with Yok, who is trans, he mentions it took him some time to be okay with her, but he still recoils at people he thinks might be gay or someone of the same gender expressing interest in him. He frequently compliments men's looks, not just in a friendly way, and thinks about how attractive some men are, Kinn especially. In the novel, once he really realizes he's physically and sexually attracted to Kinn, Porsche has a fucking meltdown of an internal crisis over it. He even goes as far as hitting on all his guy friends trying to reason out why Kinn would be behaving the way he is towards him, and why he kind of likes it (but doesn't, but does, but doesn't etc.). The boy is a mess and in complete denial.

I'm assuming a lot here, and reading between the lines, but how I interpreted it was, Porsche had, at some point in his youth, like a lot of queer youth, gotten a lot of negative feedback about same sex attraction that really dug into his bones, and so whenever he feels anything more than friendship towards another man he freaks out and tries to bury it, all the while wanting it so badly he can't stop himself. i.e. kissing Kinn back and allowing Kinn to essentially do whatever he pleases while being vocally grumpy about it. In the novel, he doesn't know who he is when it comes to his sexuality, he's deep in denial about being bi, and actively fights against it.

The show ripped that all away and gave us the true chaotic bi king we love and adore, and who he should have been in the novel imo. Show Porsche is open, honest to a fault, accepting, understanding. Now, we haven't gotten verbal confirmation that Porsche is bi in the show, but from everything I've witnessed so far I feel safe in saying he's bi, pan, or just plainly doesn't give a fuck as long as he's getting pleasure from his encounters. He seems open to Kinn's attraction as well as his own, though to say for certain we will have to wait until episode 5, where I'm hoping they touch on this subject some more, and I hope it's on the good side in line with the changes from novel Porsche we've gotten so far. (I'm down for some turmoil about him having sex with his boss, but please keep the biphobia out please please).

As much as I'd like to get more into the lead up to the real juicy stuff, I just don't have the energy. So, let's get into the gritty of it, shall we? The drugging scene. We finally made it here. A lot faster than I was expecting? Absolutely. Does it still feel organic after the previous three episodes? If Kinn hadn't said Porsche had been at the compound for a month, yes, but since he did, no.

Porsche has been with Kinn, Khun, the other bodyguards, for a whole month. He's been learning, adjusting, actively trying to become a better bodyguard. The reasons behind his change of heart seem to be him finally coming to the realization of what a serious situation he's landed himself in. It's life or death, his life isn't the only one on the line here, it's everyone around him as well. He's clearly beginning to really care about the well-being of his fellow bodyguards (mainly Pete, Arm, Pol) and Khun and Kinn.

Also, after episode 3, it was clear to me that Porsche finds Kinn physically attractive, and I do believe wanting some kind of approval from Kinn was another motivator. He's curious about Kinn, he's attracted to him, he's leaning into it.

Kinn, poor baby, is having a beautiful emotional crisis, and a lot of that I think is thanks to Mile really pouring his entire being into fleshing Kinn out and turning him into a "well" rounded person rather than the power hungry, totally domineering, bastard asshole, very surface, no depth, Kinn we have in the novel. The changes they've made to Kinn are fucking delightful, and I'm adoring the added depth and emotional vulnerability they've given him.

In the novel, Vegas sexually assaults Porsche. Without penetration, but Kinn does find him in his underwear with marks all over his body. This was one of the parts I was most worried about them adapting in the show. (I will note here, I have not read past the official translation of 1/4 of the novel--which ends with my favorite spicy scene so far and god I hope they give it to us!--the rest I have sought out from fans so it's not a complete picture). The change they made was nice (as nice as beginning to assault someone can be...), and I'm glad we didn't have to go that far. They've clearly changed Vegas a bit, though how much is yet to be seen. I'm holding my judgment for now.

Kinn's internal monologue during the drugging scene is, well, rough to say the least. But that can be said for the novel as a whole. Reading it felt like reading a fic written by a teenager from the early 00's, and not in the good way. Kinn seems like a consent King, but after telling Porsche he'd stop if Porsche told him to, he doesn't. He fucks Porsche all night long, to the point of needing to take him to the hospital the next day because he's bleeding heavily and in a lot of pain. It has its hot moments, but it's rough and gross, and I'm so glad it's been changed in the show.

What the show gave us is stunning in comparison. What the show gave us is fucking beautiful imo. Porsche, after remembering Kinn kissed him, after witnessing him with his escort, after listening to Pete, Porsche takes all of that information and once again, leans into it. He goads Kinn, he flirts with him, he asks him questions not any normal bodyguard would ask. "If your brother didn't give me up, would you even think to take me back?" Any other guard wouldn't give a shit, but Porsche needs to know. There are so many reasons this could be, but I think the main factors are a need for approval, his newfound desire to protect this family, his attraction and curiosity for Kinn, and a need to prove himself as a competent man, which he is in all rights when he puts his mind to something.

There's also something to be said about an unspoken and underlying desire to be cared for, something Porsche has never really had for most of his life. He's always been the caretaker, for Che, for his uncle even. I know y'all noticed how good he is at taking care of Tankhun? It's because he's in a familiar roll, he knows how to do this with ease. Kinn on the other hand? Someone who doesn't need coddling and caring for? He doesn't know how to handle that, but after his initial rebellion, after seeing some different sides of Kinn, he wants back in. I think, subconsciously at this point, he sees how Kinn would take care of him and he wants it.

Yes, Porsche is drugged. Yes, being under the influence makes consent iffy, but it does not mean Porsche did not give his consent or wasn't able to. Porsche may not have given verbal consent, what he did do is give consent in every other possible way, and that is what Kinn responded to. Porsche joked with Kinn about wanting to see him naked, playfully slapped his hands away, and each time Kinn respectfully pulled back. Those examples are a clear lack of consent, and Kinn responded appropriately to them. But as soon as Porsche changed gears so did Kinn, still yet with reluctance because of Porsche's state and also his brewing feelings. It wasn't one-sided, it was a push and pull on both ends.

I know there will be some who disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm pulling from my own experiences here, and what I saw in episode 4 was consensual and not rape in the slightest. I've done a lot of things in my 30+ years that I'm not proud of, certainly, but even fall-over drunk, even sky-high on drugs, I was able to give and deny consent. Was it a good idea? Of course not. Do I have regrets? Some. But being young and reckless, well, me and Porsche seem to have that in common. I mean, Porsche is in his early twenties, and my early twenties were quite literally a blur of alcohol, drugs, parties, and bad (but fun) decisions.

Porsche was high as a kite, but he was also coherent. Porsche was the one pulling Kinn in. Porsche was the one verbally and non-verbally saying yes, please, I know you want this, I want it too can't you see? Let me show you. Not to mention, no sugarcoating, having sex when you're high is fucking awesome and, frankly, I don't think this is a first for Porsche. Also, I want to mention, and this is really important, if you throw up while you're high it does sober you up a bit. It dampens the experience and brings you back into your mind. I can say this with absolute certainty, I've done it several times.

Another thing I want to point out in regard to consent is Porsche never once told Kinn no. Never once did he tell him to stop. Porsche was smiling constantly, he was taking initiative, he was undressing Kinn himself, he wanted all of what happened. Will he regret it the next day? Probably. We will have to wait and see. But bottom line, the show changed this scene for the better, a lot better.

Anyway, this was less of an analysis and more of a thought word vomit 'cause I've been wanting to talk about this scene for weeks now, and I'm also sick and tired of people saying it was rape in the tags. Kinn did not rape Porsche. Porsche gave non-verbal consent, and yes it is possible to give consent when under the influence, even if it's not a good idea. This is not the hill we need to be dying on. Let's wait for VegasPete for that, shall we?

Please, do not fucking come for me. I'm down to discuss, but I will not respond to bullshit. Thanks. ❤️

305 notes - Posted May 2, 2022

#3

So, how long was Pete in Vegas' torture dungeon before they moved to the safehouse? How long was Pete tied to that pillar? When was the last time Pete took a shower? Mans has been sweating profusely for a day or two at least and Vegas just... licks him? Sir, ya nasty. Good for you.

346 notes - Posted June 24, 2022

#2

I have watched this an unhealthy amount I 🥵🥵🥵

366 notes - Posted April 28, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I just can't get this particular moment out of my head. It just keeps replaying again and again, and I lose my mind a little bit more each time because Pete is taller than Vegas but that moment after he first kisses him and Vegas kisses him back he drops down like his knees gave out on him. He kissed Vegas and it made him weak in the knees. He kissed Vegas and his knees gave out. He kissed Vegas and his knees gave out. He kissed he he knees he kissed Vegas and knees he gave out he

1,031 notes - Posted June 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[thenwhokilledtheworld]

I read your post about SaB and D4rklina and is so on point! And this will be LONG but it’s so weird that people wants to ignore the twisted way he manipulated Alina. When I read the books and even watching the series you can tell the manipulation was strong and he was using all of Alina’s weak points. He knew Alina was an insecure girl with strong need of attention and gave her exactly that. In the books is even worst because he intentionally kisses her and ignored for weeks so she could wonder about it and then was easier to manipulate her later when bringing up the amplifiers. He intentionally wanted to isolate Alina from the other grishas (the same way he did to Genya by not giving her a colored kefta, to remind her she’s only a servant). Let alone how he intentionally isolated her from Mal because he knew her holding up hope for him was interfering with his plans. It was actually joyful to see Alina come to the realization that she’s was being played with and doing everything she can to stop him.

I could understand people feeling attracted to that ship before the big reveal on book 1, but it’s crazy to me how after he basically slaved her and removed her agency of her own power there’s still people twisting this ship into a romantic pair. And the 2nd book is even worst, he used their shared power to torture her, to invade her mind — he literally sexually assaults her. He blinded his own mother and mutilated Genya. And then on book 3 he proudly admits it to wanting to sleep with her under the disguise of someone else (Mal). He even asks her is Mal has 'claimed her' yet as if she was a possession. This is a character that has not redemption and truly doesn’t care about Alina. It’s sick and shippers can say they know reality from fiction all they want but the way they go to lengths to twist this character/dynamic is worrisome, because you know they can also do it in real life. Plus, it also concerns me how many drklina shippers are on their 30s and are always talking about Alina's sexual life (completely ignoring she was groomed and sexually assaulted) — people that have access to minors online.

ppl make fun of high school english classes for asking obvious questions but the level of reading comprehension in this world...,,,,,,,, imagine being leigh bardugo and artfully writing a relationship based on your own past abuse only for everybody to think exclusively with their pussies about it

[bridgertonandchocolate]

Mmkay. Been a long while since I have been on Tumblr. I have recently been coming for Bridgerton content, particularly Polin content. So we may be expecting a shift in profile here. With recent plot details released for season 3 I needed a place to put my thoughts so…here we go. First ever post on Bridgerton.

I’m feeling very conflicted about the plot of the season. The way they developed season 2 I expected Colin and Penelope to be next, but when season 2 premiered I hadn’t read any of the books. I quickly devoured all 8 of them. Having read RMB I knew that season 3 would need to be drastically different since majority of the plot of the book was around Whisteldowns identity. Here’s what I loved about the announcement: the fact they will be building Penelope’s confidence. I think we will see her blossom and really be on a path of self-love. Am I happy it will be Colin helping her with this?

Yes and no. I would love to see it portrayed similar to his own self discovery “if pen can see me this way certainly I can see myself this way” but I have a feeling it won’t be that way. Hence the no. I would love for Pen to realize how amazing she is and it come about naturally for them both. Will it happen this way? Likely not, especially with additional cast. I’m dreading the fact they will make Colin jealous. Jealousy is just not an attractive trait to me and petty. I would love to see Colin grovel and worship Pen, having him recognize what a jerk he really was without additional suitors. I don’t understand why they feel the need to have him help her find a husband. Why does Pen need to have a bunch of suitors for her to have confidence? Not to mention is goes completely against everything in regency times. Not knowing exactly how this will play out I can’t completely tear it down, but seems to me that Pen and Colin are going to have a lot of unchaperoned time together more than they already have and more than any of the other previous seasons and it just seems so unrealistic to me that Colin would be giving Penelope “lessons”. I do think this is how they’re going to work in Penelope asking Colin to kiss her, a lesson in kissing perhaps.

I apologize for the oddness to this stream of consciousness and all the different directions. Maybe once I’ve had more time to think about it all I will be able to make more sense.

let’s try to boil this down a tad to things I want to see and things I don’t.

Things I want to see: Pen realizing her worth and becoming more self confident, Carriage and mirror (goes without saying), Pen standing up to her mother and Cressida, Colin not being an asshat, Colin having other interests other than travel, Colin groveling, Colin and Pen both finding their purpose, Colin going to a sibling and having discussions of love, a very very very strong A storyline.

Things I don’t want to see: Colin jealous, Colin experiencing significant amounts of heartache (same for Pen), other suitors (don’t even get me started), all of the sexy times being put out like they’re “lessons” (don’t do it). Whistledown being the reason Pen has confidence. I don’t like that she may use it as revenge. I get she’s human and I’m forgiving of the asshole things she’s done, but I would much rather her try to make amends then try to tear more people down. not a comprehensive list but a great start. All in all I am just hoping to not be angry with the adaptation. Nicola had mentioned that they’re sticking pretty close to the book, but I don’t see it. I think there are several moments in the book that will definitely be included, but I’m just fearful that it won’t be as strong of a story as the other two seasons. I never will discredit Nic or Luke’s acting because I think they’re both amazing so if I end up unhappy it’s not because of them and their wonderful selves.

Always happen to have conversations about this. I’ve missed obsessing over a TV couple.

[jeanmoreaux]

idk where the original post is but it was buried in a longer post abt aftg canon and op was (basically) like “this will hurt people but neil isnt canonically demi bc the word isnt in the books and nora only said it in the ec so people can interpret neil’s sexuality” and like…that made a lot of the ace part of the fandom (very rightfully) mad and so yeah

(as an ace elder of this fandom i am…exhausted)

i've been in this fandom since like 2014/15 and this discourse really feels like it's coming out of nowhere (more so then past discourse). i haven't seen the og post and i don't wanna go search for it because by god i have much better stuff to do with my time but this sounds just weird to me. and a little concerning because didn't you all have literature classes???? like canon is what's in the text but not everything that is canon has to be explicitly spelled out?? i mean what kind of logic is "the word wasn't used so it's not canon" ?? half of discourse comprehension is inference. when are things always 100% spelled out??? just because you infer information does not make it not canon?

i mean if we take that logic to a ridiculous extreme rico wasn't murdered by ichirou because the text never explicitly mentions the word murder to refer to the act of ichirou putting a bullet through rico's head. it only says “Ichirou put the gun to Riko's temple and pulled the trigger without hesitation.” and some other stuff but never murder/murdered/murderer. i mean everyone with half a brain cell will still infer the information that what ichirou did is murder. you read between the lines and realize this act falls under the definition of murder. so obviously it's murder. so rico was canonically murdered by ichirou.

if something is naturally inferred by the reader based on the textual evidence they are presented it's canon even if a certain word is not used directly. if the definition of a word fits what is described, the word fits. like for example in the six of crows duology the word "bisexual" is never used to describe jesper or nina yet the text makes it clear that both these characters are attracted to more than one gender?? so are they not bisexual because the text doesn't explicitly say so even though this word may be used to accurately describe these characters' sexual identity? i think that as long as the textual evidence that falls under the definition of bisexuality is there, their bisexuality is canon. so is their pansexuality if you want to employ that definition. what is NOT canon is these characters' straightness because there is textual evidence that directly contradicts this claim.

same with neil. there is textual evidence that supports a canon reading of neil as demisexual and no textual evidence that directly contradicts this interpretation. so it's canon. if you have the textual evidence to support whatever claim about neil that you want to make without there being contradictions: congrats, it's canon!

what's in the text is canon. and if the text reflects a pattern that can be directly summarised in an another word then that's canon too. this also makes it possible for canons to co-exists if several definitions fit. you all need to be aware of the relativity of canon.

[intergalactic-chameleon]

gender chronicles: a journal

hi thanks for reading if you've decided to click on this post! basically this post is me talking about my gender exploration journey, with an semi-abridged timeline and a list of recent developments. i'm just gonna be rambling so it's quite long.

(also if you, like me, thought you were simply a cis queer person but recently realized that it's a little more complicated than that, maybe this post will be helpful. but i digress!)

part 1: my timeline

2019: I am 19 years old. I am fully at terms with my bisexuality, and not really thinking about my gender identity. I start working as a busser/food runner at a semi-fancy restaurant near the end of the year, and feel myself grow really comfortable in the environment despite being surrounded by many boys/men. What really changed things for me is when I began wearing my uniform consisting of black pants, a white, long-sleeved button-up, and a quaint, black, clip-on bowtie. Wearing this and constantly interacting with guys in a semi-professional environment felt really empowering for some reason and I couldn't quite understand why.

2020: You already know what it is... lockdown and social distancing and what have you. Still working at my food runner job, and by June 2020 I was excited to finally have more stuff to do. I distinctly remember myself start to self-reflect way more than usual - often to a fault, but it was needed. As well as dealing with emotional numbness and emotional breakdowns, I was wondering how much I really identified with being a woman. It was confusing because I hadn't experienced much gender-related dysphoria at all, yet I experienced many instances of gender euphoria. This usually happened when I experimented with androgyny, which to this day consists of more "masculine" behaviors/stances paired with my mostly "feminine" clothing. I started playing around with concepts such as genderfluid, non-binary, androgynous woman... etc

2021: I continued to work at my restaurant job and saw myself opening up to people at work, particularly to one (male) cook that had been trying to connect with me to no avail. Through my work relationship with him, I realized how much I liked feeling equal to another man. Of course, I knew a huge part of that feeling stemmed from the sexist exclusion I've faced throughout my life. But I also knew that our connection gave me a sense of validation in more than one way. I felt like he could see the masculinity in me, despite him never telling me that. Then, I started art school later that year in August.

2022: Fast forward to this year, I wrote a paper about my gender identity for my college writing class. During the writing process, I began to research and introspect once more, hoping to come to a more comprehensive conclusion. Amazingly, I was finally able to articulate my experience much better than I had before. I finally settled on the term genderqueer and realized that my identification as a "woman" is mostly conditional on my social interactions and when im alone with myself, i feel like I'm so much more.

part 2: this year's revelations

...Consequently, the aforementioned realizations opened a lot more doors of exploration. I realized that my bisexuality is a HUGE influence on my gender identity and expression - truly an epiphany, I dunno how I hadn't realized this before. I also began to investigate my attraction to men.

Being attracted to men has always been a confusing sport. Ever since I began to identify as bisexual at the age of 15 or so, I've had to check in with myself to make sure I actually liked men. Like yea, men can be real shitty, but I also knew that initial, organic attraction doesn't rely on an ethical vetting process (i.e., you don't always need to know someone's personality to find them cute, lol). and time and time again, i would gain a small but distinctive crush on a guy (celebrity or not), and I would feel validated in my sexuality. Not to mention that my long-term partner transitioned from non-binary -> transman, and I still remained attracted to him. In fact, I think my attraction has grown, even. So, my only question I had left was "Why, even after all this self-reflection, do I feel like I'm still missing something?"

Well, guess what: IT WAS GENDER AGAIN!!

I began to wonder about my fascination with queer men expressing their sexuality. I didn't mention this before, but people such as Freddie Mercury and Harry Styles have transfixed me in a way I haven't been able to explain for literal years. And yes, they awe me with their talent, their charisma, their good looks, etc. But the common denominator outside of these things have always been their queerness.

Witnessing their expression of attraction to the same-sex, experimentation with femininity, confident stage presence, and gentle off-stage demeanor have made me feel a million different things. Comfort. Safety. Joy. Awe. Wonder. Lust. Yearning. Envy. Frustration, even. All because, in every which way, I wanted to emanate their uniquely queer energy.

Most of all, I learned that I want to express my attraction to men in an utterly homosexual way, despite being "not a man." And this lead me to the obscure term "girlfag," which means precisely what I'm describing. Being a "girlfag" as a genderqueer person means that despite experiencing most of my life as a "woman," I cannot for the life of me conjure up a heterosexual sense of attraction when experiencing attraction to a man. Everything about me is queer, so I cannot find anything appealing about typical "straight" sexual and romantic dynamics, healthy or not. This, of course, feels almost insanely hard to explain to other people. Most people think that bisexuality is split: as a woman, your attraction to women/"non-men" is queer and gay and revolutionary. Your attraction to men, however... not so much. It's just straight.

Which to me, is plain bullshit. If you're bi and you feel that your opposite-sex attraction is in fact straight, that's ok! I'm not here to police your sexuality. For me, however, it's a total crock, because I'm not attracted to men in the "normal" way, if you will. For one, I specifically seek out genderqueer/gnc men who love being feminine and masculine and everything in between; who identify strongly with women as people and as sexual beings. And, to put it plainly, I also deeply desire to do sex acts with men that most women would probably not consider. I often conceptualize myself as a performing a more masculine or androgynous role with men, wanting to woo them as if I were a princely figure, and wanting to fuck them with the same intense lust that gay men tend to have for each other. I want men to see my masculinity and revel in it. Specifically, gnc/genderqueer bisexual men are my everything and want them to be attracted to me so, so badly.

Anyway, to conclude: All of my attraction is queer all the time, full stop. Nothing is or will ever be more fulfilling than feeling like a queer because it breathes life into me. It's beautiful, invigorating, and empowering to be able to express this and I'm so happy to finally know this part of me. I love being a bisexual girl fag.

Anyway, thanks for reading my ramblings. If you happen to relate, please let me know :)

oct 2022 update: not sure if “girlfag” is my fav word anymore lol but i still relate to my definition of it. i feel pretty equally like a boy as well as a girl atp

[pluviophile-imagines]

Could I ask what your sexuality headcanons are? I love comparing mine with other peoples’!

Ok second half of this; this is just like. non-students who i Actually have thought about HJBAFV not at all a comprehensive list. Again disclaimer i write all these chars as bi in my fics, also i am bi myself so the vast majority are also bi, and also leaving a lot of these vague so u can imagine ur favorite ship or urself or w/ever

ok lets start this off with Aizawa. I think....... hes another one who's rlly unlabelled, doesnt super care to think it through and define it, but calls himself gay bc his interest in women is very, very rare and it's just way easier to say than explain all that. Definitely do buy into the idea that he had a crush on Oboro in hs but i do NOT buy into the easermic agenda sorry. Definitely not someone who goes looking for dates, but doesn't say no if someone asks him and hes interested (also im not gonna give her a whole section but i saw a hc a while back that the Ms. Joke stuff is literally that shes a lesbian and hes gay and shes fucking with him and i love that so much i just wanted to put it out there)

on the topic of the erasermic agenda: Hizashi's pan and knew it before HS, had a sudden & intense crush on Aizawa for the first month they knew each other and then immediately got over it in favor of a similar sudden, intense, and then immediately fading crush on Midnight. Hizashi and Aizawa r just rlly good friends imo; maybe they messed around for a bit in their twenties but it never went anywhere serious. He dates around a lot, not even necessarily to settle down just to have some fun

Midnight is aro/ace but does get in qprs & gravitates towards women wrt that. Most people dont read vigilantes but theres a woman in that, Kazuho, who i imagine she's been in a long-term qpr with; her relationship with aizawa and hizashi leans a little more towards a qpr than a normal friendship, too, but it's not rlly defined that way

All Might is married to justice queer but v much not interested in relationships. He and that one guy from the first movie are ABSOLUTELY exes and i won't hear otherwise; it's the only relationship he's ever had, and they broke up bc he had to go back to japan. He was heartbroken but did eventually get over him; his lack of romance afterwards is from genuine disinterest and not being hung up on his past. I can see him finding someone else in his later years, after he's retired. Definitely feels like he's not worthy of it tho

Hawks is bi but unfortunately didn't get to figure that out until like Now in the timeline...... if youll let my dabihawks history shine through i think dabi was the reason JHBASFGJHB he was basically brainwashed by the commission to become a hero so he didnt have time to Figure That Shit Out; he knew he was into women bc that was easy & what the commission expected from him but then he started this undercover assignment and met dabi and realized Oh...... Fuck. Hawks is hard tbh, bc i think between the control that the commission has over him and his own convictions as a hero he doesn't pursue any romance (tho he does get crushes or find people attractive) and most of his flings are done to keep up his prettyboy act, not out of genuine interest in being a fuckboy. Can't imagine him having a relationship until well after canon but I do see him being interested eventually

Onto the villains, Shigaraki is unlabelled but probably would call himself queer if asked. Definitely admires women more but isn't very interested in romance; AFO actively encourages him to pursue the things interested in so imo if he were he'd talk abt it more lmfao. I kinda see him as demi as well, not the type to fall immediately but requiring a friendship beforehand; tho unlike Bakugo as i said in my last post I dont think it happens suddenly but rather slowly. Y'all know im a big fan of shigaraki being absolutely whipped for his s/o so i do thing hes a big piner, tho he's also pretty bold and unashamed of his affections. I'm a big fan of him falling for a member of the league or a civilian; definitely can't see him falling for a hero unless the hero was already halfway to turning sides already. I think he's also attracted to intelligence and someone who pushes him to think more abt his ideology...... maybe im just projecting at this point JSHDFBVAJKSHD but my point is that the gender of his partner is definitely the least of what he considers/notices

Dabi is bi and, here's my bold take, demisexual; not interested in sex unless its with someone he loves. Absolutely doesn't even think abt romance for most of the years where he's on his own. He's got revenge to plan. By the time he joins the league that hasn't changed much, and he's demi so he's not interested in sleeping around, plus he rlly denies any attachment to people at all. As I said in that other ask tho I do rlly like the idea of him with Magne, so I think they have a fling for a bit before her death :( it's one of the things that leads him to isolate himself further, unfortunately, even from Jin and the other League members with whom his relationships aren't romantic. I can see him dating someone post-canon bc i think hes gonna be redeemed lol. It could be someone he knew before but they probably didnt date again bc he was v guarded; i think magne was rlly the only person he dated

Magne is pan and heres the kicker: I think shes t4t, which led to a little moment just before she and dabi got together where he was like "she wouldnt be into me :/" but she was into him anyway so all was good. She got around in her circles, mostly casual stuff tho she yearned for something more serious.

Spinner's bi & trends towards women but does occasionally get things for men and they're almost always intense. He thought he was straight for a while even once he joined the league and then suddenly got a crush on Shigaraki (around the time of MVA) and realized otherwise LMFAO he's definitely a hopeless romantic type, the whole mutant prejudice thing makes it rlly hard for him and i can see him being rlly happy with another mutant-type; i feel like as he matures he starts to gravitate towards them

Toga is canonically pan to my understanding, iirc her interest in Uraraka and Deku is the same (and romantic) in canon tho i might be wrong. Poor girl just needs therapy. I like the idea of the two of them becoming her friends over her being involved with them but i totally can get behind her having a thing with Uraraka (and maybe Tsu) at some point post-canon (presuming she gets redeemed), tho I think a qpr between the two/three of them would be longer lasting. And again presuming she gets therapy i can see her settling down with someone, gender irrelevant

Jin is unlabelled bc he hasn't much thought abt it, definitely had a thing for dabi and for hawks which does make me sad on both counts. I think he likes women slightly more abstractly/aesthetically and gets crushes more on men,. The dabi thing fades as they get closer and start to view each other as brothers. In his later years he doesn't rlly care about romance, I think he enjoys the experience of crushing but doesnt like dating people; his found family in the League is far more important to him. But i can see him falling head-over-heels for someone quite suddenly and having a bit of a whirlwind romance. Also someone for whom gender isn't much of a factor

Mr Compress is also queer and also hasn't rlly thought abt it. Definitely leans more towards women; he's like 30 but i like to think he also goes for older partners, 10 or 15 years his senior KJBADSJFHB idk he just has that Vibe with the way he calls himself an old man etc. A lot of the league i cant see sleeping or dating around much, i feel like they prioritize each other, but I do think mr compress gets around more than the others. i can see him having a bit of a fuckbuddy who he catches feelings for

Kurogiri is fun; as Oboro I do think Aizawa's crush was reciprocated, tho he wasn't around long enough for them to act on it :( he's bi, tho kurogiri isn't supposed to have personal interests. I like to imagine the brainwashing isnt as good as AFO wants it to be tho so I like the idea of him falling for someone anyway. I also like the idea of the heroes managing to undo the nomufication and I 100% can see him, aizawa, and someone else (someone he was involved with as Kurogiri) ending up in a triad as a result of aizawa and the third partner helping him through the aftermath of all that shit

Lady Nagant is a manga-only minor character but im in love with her so imma talk abt it. Shes bi and leans VERY heavily towards women, probably spent years questioning whether she was rlly bi or a lesbian before finally having a fling with a guy that she genuinely enjoyed. Has only ever been in long-term relationships with women and I v much think she has a gf at home who stayed even when she was arrested 🥺

Finally imma talk abt Natsuo bc i love that boy. He's one of the few unmarried chars with a love interest and he canonically has a gf. I do see him as IDing straight in canon ngl, but the kind of straight where he might actually be bi but his preference leans so heavily towards women and he grew up in a bad home so he just doesnt rlly think abt it bc hes v happy with women anyway. In shiganatsu thoughts shigaraki is the first man he has a thing for; i rlly can see the two of them in a triad with a woman specifically, who helps the two of them find each other and is the one who initiates bc its definitely a weird situation for natsuo

[belfrygargoyles]

I Answer Questions I Get About Star Wars Fanfiction

So, when I made this post a while back, I did end up getting quite a few people coming to me for advice!

And while I was happy to give what help I could through tumblr DMs, there was also quite a bit I was realizing was a bit Much to be conveyed just through the DM format.

So, while this is by no means a catch-all, comprehensive list of what to do and what not to do, I thought I’d make a post going into a bit more detail! I’ll specifically be addressing questions/concerns that have been brought to me, mostly

Because of the specific subject matter of the original post, most of the question askers were white/cis/het women, so much of what I cover will be directed at authors of that specific demographic.

The brunt of the post is about writing reader-characters of different demographics and why “gender-neutral” reader-inserts tend to fail to reach that mark, but the first two points I address are related to racism and fetishism in writing. Because of this, I want to preface: I am White, and I will never be an authority on what is or is not racist or fetishistic. These are questions I, specifically, have received, and needed more space to elaborate on. Everything I say, I have learned by listening to fans of color speaking out about the ways they and characters of color are treated and by doing my own research into the subject- my experience and advice is not exhaustive, I cannot cover every important facet, and my word should never, ever come before that of a person of color speaking about the same subject.

If while reading, you come across something that is not true, is offensive, harmful, or otherwise just not good advice for me to give, please contact me and I will remove or edit as needed.

I’m a White, cishet woman, and I like to write fanfiction about characters I find attractive who are men of color. How can I avoid writing fetishistic or racist stereotypes? 

To recognize fetishism, you first need to understand racial stereotypes and why they’re harmful, even if they’re “positive.”

First thing’s first: there is no such thing as a positive stereotype. All stereotypes bring with them the very real potential to harm people, demean or belittle them, isolate them, impact their social life, work environment, and how they interact with the world and the people around them, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, culture, or body type.

It is very important that you seek out and listen to the word of these people themselves. Understand why it is harmful to write a story about a “savage” tribal man seducing a White colonizer (and why “savage” is a terrible word to use to describe someone in the first place). Understand why it is suspicious to be obsessed with the sexual prowess of dark-skinned men. Understand why the common tropes and stereotypes you see associates with people of color are harmful, and understand that this is not about you. This is not about what you want to see as a reader, this is not about the specific fantasies you want to write out with a certain character, this is not about your fulfillment and enjoyment, because you are the person writing and putting your writing into the world for others to see and consume. The way you portray your characters and the situations they are in is important.

Second: you need to learn how to step back and examine your own thoughts and behavior for bias, conscious and subconscious.

Would you think the same way about a character if they were a woman? Would you write a character with the same personality if they were White? Would you think two characters have the same romantic tension and chemistry if they were different genders?

For example: In the game Subnautica: Below Zero, the player character is Robin, a Black woman. At some point in the game, she expresses defensiveness in response to unintentionally rude remarks about the human body, from a source that would have no idea that it was rude. Her offense and defensive tone is not at all unwarranted or unreasonable, nor does she hold a grudge, but upon first playthrough I found myself thinking, “man, Robin’s kind of a bitch.”

Then I remembered the fact that Black women are frequently seen as aggressive, rude, and “pushy,” and that Black women in media are commonly seen by (White) fans as “mean” in comparison to other (White) characters who act the same way, if not worse. I realized that at no point in the game does Robin ever act spiteful, cruel, selfish, or vindictive towards the source of the offending comments. She was someone who was proud of her physical capabilities and the hard work she put into her body’s fitness, and she was not in the wrong for getting offended at the implication that her body was flawed or inefficient. Throughout the game, Robin is patient, driven, compassionate, and forgiving, and expresses grief, frustration, offense, and anger as is appropriate for the situations she finds herself in.

What I had done was subconsciously put Robin in a set box of character traits based off of racist stereotypes and characterizations frequently seen in media and fanworks. I didn’t realize I was doing it in the moment, and had to take a step back to examine the source media and my own behavior, and realized I was projecting a completely false idea of what Robin, a Black woman, should be like as a character.

That is an example of subconscious racial bias. Subconscious racial fetishism can look more like...

- Believing male characters of color all have insatiable sexual appetites and massive penises

- Automatically headcanoning characters who are large, burly, strong, or aggressive as Black or dark-skinned

- Putting East Asian women on a pedestal for being beautiful, pure, innocent- or, on the flip side, as beautiful and “please queen roundhouse kick me” treating her as “beautiful but fierce.”

These examples, alone, in singular instances, aren’t fetishism- headcanoning a single man of color as sexual and being well-endowed isn’t fetishism alone, headcanoning a single physically large and strong character as Black isn’t fetishism, thinking an East Asian woman is exceptionally beautiful and elegant isn’t fetishism.

It’s how you do it in relation to how you interact with other characters. Do you only ever write about a male character of color in a highly sexualized context or only ever talk about how big his penis is and what you want him to do to you? Is that large and forceful character the only one you headcanon as having dark skin? Do you fawn over East Asian women as beautiful goddesses and “dragon ladies” but never actually explore them as anything else but just being there for decoration?

(Warning for the next paragraph: intersex fetishism, racist tropes in Star Wars fandom)

Something I commonly see in the Star Wars sphere of fandom is, particularly with the clones, use of the word “savage” or “feral.” For the sake of not singling anyone out, I won’t use URLs, but an example I recently saw firsthand was a prompt about Stewjonis (e.g. Obi Wan) all being intersex and “fertile” and as such exceptionally desirable to the clones, described as having a “hunger” and having “savage, animalistic instincts,” including having a violent, animalistic rage they unleash when they think the White man they think they own is in danger.

The author is fetishizing intersex people (making Obi Wan, a White man being paired with brown men, intersex for the sole purpose of making him “fertile” and able to be impregnated for the sake of a breeding kink- he’s not written as intersex just to be intersex representation, he’s written as an idealized fantasy of intersex for the sake of keeping him “male” but also able to get pregnant to fulfill the author’s bioessentialist fantasies of aggressive, animalistic cis men of color inherently desiring and being unable to help their “instincts” around a “fertile mate.”) and using a common racist stereotype for brown men: that they are “savage,” “animalistic,” sexually aggressive, sexually driven, violent, and sexually dominating over “smaller” (Ewan Mcgregor is 5′10, Temuera Morrison is 5′7. Even if you headcanon the clones as 6′0, as Wookieepedia defaults every adult male human to, that’s still only two inches of difference) light-skinned love interests (who have a vagina).

At a very, very basic level, I can get why the idea of such a dynamic might be appealing: the idea of someone finding you desirable and protecting you/fighting for you without reservation, the idea of “instincts” showing someone’s true feelings they can’t fight for you, etc. etc.. When that’s what you’re going for, it’s a case of you really, really needing to think long and hard about the characters you’re using and how you’re portraying them. I mean, you need to really think about it.

And I get it if it’s a trope you really like or a dynamic you really want to write, but I repeat: this isn’t about you. It’s about the image and stereotypes you may or may not be reinforcing about people of color, men of color, and intersex people to yourself and your readership.

This is the best advice I can give you: Take a step back. Check yourself. Check the way you think about a character, the way you write them, and the way they are portrayed in canon. Think about why you want to write the situation you want to write. Think about how you are portraying the character, and how it might be interpreted by people who aren’t in your brain. Ask yourself if you really think the character would act that way, or if that’s just how you think they should act, and then ask yourself why.

If you find that what you are writing might be falling into fetishistic or derogatory tropes or stereotypes, that’s where you stop. Identify what, specifically, about the situation or scenario appeals to you. Identify why the characters appeal to you. See if you can use those elements in a way that doesn’t reinforce those stereotypes.

2. When does a smut fic involving a man of color become fetishistic? What if an author is simply exaggerating pre-existing character traits for the sake of a smut scenario? Is writing characters partaking in specific kinks or tropes fetishism by default because they’re played by men of color?

I’ll go down the line:

- The short answer: when you use fetishistic tropes. The longer answer: when you use tropes in a context that could be considered fetishistic, and do nothing to add depth to the situation. Show that you put thought into your decisions, and show us why you believe the character would do/act/think that way. If you can’t because it doesn’t make sense and it’s just something you want to happen to engineer a specific trope (E.X. Clones never getting any sex ed ever and freaking out at the thought of a vagina), don’t do it. Are you focusing on a character as a dominant party in bed? Then analyze how you’re portraying that, if you’re using animal comparisons, references to how small and petite his submissive partner is, if you’re portraying it as a healthy sexual relationship or if you’re implying that he’s always possessive, domineering, and intimidating towards his partner- it very much helps to have beta readers.

- Then the author needs to put effort into the scenario they’re writing and really examine why those are the character traits they’re exaggerating in a character of color. Why, of all the character’s traits, are you choosing to play up his strength, size, and aggression in the way that you are? If you still really want to write it: write the characters discussing it as a BDSM roleplay scene or show aftercare that tells us that’s not what the character is normally like, but was an act he was putting on in a pre-agreed scenario. Oftentimes, the issue can be that the author makes no effort to show that this isn’t how the character acts outside of the bedroom, or even erases that line completely by showing no difference between how the character treats his partner in day-to-day life and in bed.

- Not at all. You can write Boba Fett being a Dom and having kinky sex all you want- but it needs to make sense. By that I mean-  writing OOC, shallow smut isn’t a sin, but when it involves men of color, especially in situations where they have already been highly sexualized and fetishized, you, as an author have to think about how you’re writing them. You have to think about if you’re just using them as sockpuppets to write out a dom fantasy you already had pre-engineered, and you need to think about why, exactly, you want to use that specific character in that specific role. Are you writing about the character, or are you using their name and face as a prop to play out the fantasy?

3. I’m White/cis/het/female and I write reader-insert fanfiction, I...

a. ...try to keep my readers ambiguous, but I think I still mess up.

First: Accept that some measure of character description is needed for your readers to not feel like they’re inhabiting the fictional body of a ghost. You’ll never be able to be 100% ambiguous, and that’s okay. Parts of who we are and the way we experience the world will always leak into our writing, and that’s just part of the experience. What’s important is that you’re able to recognize where your experiences are not universal, and decide on if that’s something you can change in your writing.

Next: Some basic tips for common whoopsies that are easy to overlook.

- Hair length, color, and texture

Instead of saying something that implies a particular hair type, such as the way it blows in the wind or how the reader-character brushes or styles it, you can reference that they just have hair without going into detail, such as:

“He found himself unable to sleep that night- normally, he would count the rivets in the ceiling until they blurred together, but now he had a new distraction catching his eye. Your hair against his pillow was new, novel- he found his eyes tracing the strands from root to tip, the way the dim light catching on the strands almost hypnotic, and before he knew it he was delicately tracing his fingertips along a patch near your ear that had grown in what was, to his sleep-deprived mind, an utterly fascinating whorl.” Vs. describing a character running his fingers through the reader’s hair.

- Body type

I will say: sometimes, it makes a reader-insert infinitely more engaging if we have just scant details about the reader character, but that’s usually if the details are uncommon in the genre. By this, I mean: if a reader-insert specified that the reader-character was actually buff and very tall, I would already be more invested, because I never see reader-characters like that.

This being said, when you want ambiguity, when it comes to body type avoid referencing the reader’s weight, size, musculature, height, and build- nothing about curves, nothing about hips, nothing about stomachs.

Again, you can reference that the reader has these things, but without specifying that their stomach is flat or their hips are curvy or that they look small and delicate compared to the love interest. What I see the most of is references to the reader being notably shorter, lighter, or weaker than other characters. If someone is targeting the reader over, say, Din, because they look like they’d be an easier target, instead of saying that it’s because the reader is the smaller, “weaker-looking” target, make note of it being because of some other vulnerability- armor, lack of visible weaponry, hands aren’t free, distracted, because they saw the reader choke on an apple seed in the market earlier and it made them think they were incompetent and easy to take out, etc.

- Skin color

This one is the most basic, but also easy to mess up. Along with things like hair type being correlated with race (ie if you describe a reader-character with long, fine, straight hair, you are excluding the possibility of the reader-character being Black), something that can be easy for lighter-skinned authors to forget is that blush, flush, sunburn, and pallor aren’t easily visible on all skin colors.

If you want to write things like that but don’t know how to portray them without indicating skin tone, try instead using temperature. Reference the reader feeling heat rise to their cheeks, or the uncomfortable warmth radiating from a minor burn, or how cold and clammy their skin feels.

- Unnecessary references to the reader’s gender (E.X. gendered bathrooms, dressing rooms, calling the reader-character things like “the girl” or “the woman”)

If you’re writing a fic with a gender-neutral reader, you do not need to use any of those in the story. I promise, you don’t. If you have to, either find a way around it or just... don’t. If you want to make the reader gender-neutral, you don’t need these. I promise.

If you’re writing a gender-neutral but explicitly AFAB reader: also don’t use these, because it defeats the purpose of you saying the reader is supposed to be gender-neutral. In fact, make the reader’s gender the absolute LAST thing you put in the fic. Write the whole thing as if the concept of gender doesn’t exist.

- Typically gendered characteristics such as voice pitch and tone, face shape, chest, hips, hands, height

See above. The thing is, none of these things are inherently indicative of gender, but for many people, they are. If you say you’re writing a gender-neutral reader, but include reference to very feminine-associated traits, you’re telling the reader that you wrote the reader-character as essentially Girl Lite.

Something not enough people realize is that there are AMAB nonbinary people, there are cis AFAB women who are very masculine, and so on. “Gender-neutral” shouldn’t mean “Female 2″ or “tomboy.”

- And think to yourself: Would I write a male character acting this way?

This is... self-explanatory. And also very important. And why I say to make gender the absolute last thing you put in the fic. I’ll talk more about this specifically at the end!

Something important to note: Nonbinary is not the same as gender-neutral!

Nonbinary specifically refers to the gender identity in which you are neither strictly male nor strictly female- your gender identity exists outside of the male-female binary.

Gender-neutral means that references to the reader’s gender are removed and it can be read by someone of any sex or gender without being taken out of the experience by gendered traits or situations.

...want to start writing readers who aren’t like me, but don’t know where to start.

Just do it, really. That’s the best way to do it. You don’t have to make it a major part of the fic!

I can only really speak on the experience of being nonbinary and reading fics written by cis authors, and again, at the very end I’ll go more into personal feelings and experience, but I really do mean just write it. Get a beta reader, or friends to look it over. Ask people from different reader demographics what they want to see. It doesn’t have to change the entire course of your writing.

...am afraid of writing a different kind of reader-character and getting something wrong.

It happens! No one can know every experience under the sun, and if you’re not writing from experience, you’re bound to get one or two details wrong.

But! That shouldn’t stop you from doing it! This is where getting a beta reader or having a discord server really helps, you can get viewpoints from people with different experiences to tell you what does and doesn’t work.

At the end of this post I’ll talk about things I, specifically, would like to see as a trans person, and how being nb affects the way I see things.

4. What’s wrong with dysphoria fics?

from here on out is personal conjecture

Nothing. I just don’t like them because, well.

They’re basically the only time I ever see fics with an explicitly trans reader, and they all follow the exact same formula: Someone or something triggers reader’s dysphoria, the reader is sad and having a bad time, the love interest comes in and validates the reader’s gender and it’s all better.

One: I’ve never seen this done with a trans woman reader.

Two: It’s... tiring, having the only representation you ever see of yourself being about dysphoria. A lot of the fics are written as personal comfort fics or were requested by a trans person with dysphoria, and that’s fine, but I want to see a grand, multi-chapter fic with an engaging plot and reader-character engagement that just... has a trans reader. It’s not a thing, they just are, because trans people’s lives don’t constantly revolve around how trans they are.

There are more “nonbinary” reader fics than there are fics about trans men or trans women. And all the nonbinary readers are AFAB- I have not seen a SINGLE AMAB nonbinary reader-insert in the Star Wars fandom.

It’s just one of those things that is just... it’s not bad, it’s just kind of exhausting? I’m the kind of person who wants to see stories of people like me just on adventures, not more about how miserable we are because our bodies are wrong or something.

I don’t speak for every trans person, I don’t and I never will. But I think a lot of the people who request dysphoria fic... don’t actually want to read about that. Body dysphoria is touted as the defining trans experience, and a lot of people genuinely believe you have to be dysphoric to be trans. Not only is this not true, but it’s also harmful. Hating your body sucks. Hating your body specifically because you know people use it to judge how to treat you super sucks. Thinking you have to hate your body or else you’re not really trans and are just pretending? Ultra suck.

I’m nonbinary, my partner is a trans man. I’ll paste his thoughts on the matter (minor edits to punctuation and paragraph breaks):

“But in all honesty it’s very very tiring, I think the majority of people asking for a dysphoria fic don’t actually realise they want something else. Many trans people feel dysphoria, myself included, but not all of them do, and it doesn’t make them any less trans, but the overall focus on dysphoria has made it this be all end all thing in and out of the trans community. It’s what people often think of when they think of trans people and while it’s certainly a thing, I think the focus has become entirely too toxic. I think newer trans people tend to internalise dysphoria a lot, especially if they don’t experience it to an extent which is ‘acceptable enough to be considered trans’.

Given that context I think that what a lot of people are looking for when they ask writers for dysphoria fics is actually validation and gender euphoria. They want validation of their gender identity because they’ve recently experienced dysphoria and are looking for escapism. It’s something I myself have only come to realise recently despite being out as trans for a considerable amount of time. I don’t expect cis writers to fully understand the intensely personal and nuanced relationship every trans person has with gender and identity, nor do I blame them for using dysphoria as a go-to, especially when the request was for a dysphoria fic. I am however asking writers to instead try more validation and less focus on the bad aspects of being trans such as dysphoria and discrimination.

Again, this is a very complicated subject, and I am only one trans person and one opinion. However I do believe people get stuck in that focus on dysphoria, and it’s not a healthy mindset to be in. For cis writings including trans people in their reader inserts, I’d recommend making them explicitly trans, whether it be male/female/nb, because you cannot have gn pronouns and call it a day, especially not if it’s an nb person because it’s simply not the same as gn pronouns in a fic. Cis writers tend to have a stereotype when it comes to trans people, especially on tumblr where trans men are always seen as soft twinky UwU Bois and it gets real old real fast. I cannot name a single fic I’ve read that’s had a trans reader not in a binder or on hrt. You don’t have to transition to be trans, but it would be nice to see some variation and have some guys only have top surgery or only have bottom surgery or have no surgery and be okay with it. Medically transitioning is by no means the be all end all but every trans experience is unique and it’s very bland to see the same trans story every time you read a reader insert. I am of course speaking from the point of view of a trans man, I can’t imagine what it must be like for trans women because those fics are even less common!“

5. Okay what was it you said earlier about stuff you’d come back to?

Glad you asked!

Look, I’ll be straight up and honest, this is something that’s hard to put into words because it’s such a nebulous experience, and I don’t know how to describe it to cis writers but.

Sometimes the way gender neutral, nonbinary, and trans male readers are written really comes across like the author wrote a female reader and just went back to change the pronouns.

The reason why it’s hard to explain at times is because there’s nothing overt, but there are specific patterns in the way authors write reader characters and their love interests, like... female-coding.

The way the reader-character interacts with the world, the way they’re written interacting with characters, the way characters are written viewing them, the way their body language is described- things that, if you take a step back, you’d realize “oh, I wouldn’t write a cis male character like this.”

Again, it’s... really, really hard to put into words, but it’s a pattern my partner and I have both noticed that’s made it hard to enjoy a lot of trans/nonbinary reader fics. The issue isn’t that the reader-character is feminine in any way, the issue is that that’s all anyone ever writes them like.

Reader-insert fics already have a very homogenized experience of “reader-character is extremely passive in their narrative and has little agency in their story other than to exist alongside a canon character for him to eventually fall in love with.” Even in fics where the reader is explicitly a cis woman, there are these... unnecessary references to her being female that, to me, just seem to serve no purpose.

This is. Incredibly just Me saying this here. But it’s genuine, from someone who hasn’t actually Had A Gender in over a decade now: Is... being a woman really that prominent in cis women’s lives? Is it really that big a part of who you are? I want to know, because it’s so wildly different for me, and if I’m going to give advice on how to write reader-characters of other genders, I kind of. Really need to have that one ironed out.

If your gender plays a large role in who you are and your perception of yourself: that’s great, chase your bliss, it’s good to know who you are and what you’re comfortable with! It’s just a theme I keep seeing in reader-inserts that... takes me out of it? Someone whose gender is featured so heavily in their identity and the way they interact with the world might not realize that, say, a nonbinary person, just... has a completely different relationship with gender.

And I’ll say this, too: Trans men’s experiences and relationships with their gender is also wildly different to that of a cis woman. There is overlap in some places, yes, but it is still a completely different relationship, and cannot be treated as the same.

I think this is where the problem lies, and why I never see trans woman readers or AMAB nonbinary readers: consciously or not, cis female writers write what they know, and are applying their experiences and relationship with gender to trans AFAB readers assuming it will be the same or similar enough.

I will say, as a general rule of thumb: it really is not. Do not treat it like it is, please. This is why I say to write as if gender doesn’t exist. Just write the character, write the story, and then worry about their pronouns. Don’t even think about what they look like or their voice if you find that stopping you.

Write the reader as a character, not as a woman.

Now that that’s out of the way.

6. How can I make my reader-insert stand out?

I’ll let my partner, Felix, take over for this one again:

“People write what they know so expand your knowledge by talking to others.

Reader inserts are often very passive, too. Try to have your reader become the driving force instead of letting plot happen around them. For example, try to imagine why the reader and the characters would have a reason to talk/bond, what would be reasonable motivations for the reader? Why would the characters care about the reader?

Easy ways to do this include having an already established relationship between the reader and character that you can draw from, the reader has to accompany the characters for an amount of time on a joint goal, anything other than ‘reader is sexy lamp and characters like reader because reader is sexy.’ If you’re gonna write about a one night stand, then write about a one night stand, but don’t try to shoe horn in a whole relationship.

if you’re gonna write tropes then you have to:

1) Make it your own. “School for superpowered kids” is the core of several IPs: my hero academia, Harry Potter and xmen, but all of them are very different to each other. If you’re writing for reader inserts, a common trope is ‘reader whisked away by character to start a new life.’ This trope is everywhere, and it’s fine, but art is all about that execution.Think more about why these things are happening; why is the reader being whisked away, why does the character care about them, why would they stay together after the initial danger has passed? Don’t explain it to me either, show me the events leading up to the scene you want. Don’t tell me ‘ever since character rescued reader he’s been in love with them,’ show me those events, show me the lead up, show me why I should give a damn. If the fanfic wasn’t specifically reader insert, would it still be interesting?

2) Execute your tropes well. Execution is the most important thing when it comes to art. You can have the most brilliant idea in the world but if you don’t execute it properly it’s worth about as much as dirt. A movie can have a great idea, but if the pacing is off or the lighting bad or the sound design shit it’s not gonna work is it? Best example are the original Star Wars trilogy vs the prequels, I could go on for ages about the differences between them and the behind the scenes, but the gist is that during the filming of the og trilogy Harrison Ford, Carrie fisher and mark Hamill were constantly rewriting the script during scenes to flow better and sound better, Lucas’ wife was the editor and was the reason we have those great scenes that are seared into the memory of our society.

With the prequels many people had credited Lucas as being the sole reason the og trilogy was so successful, therefore he had more free reign and bogged down the movies with things that, yes, might have been interesting lore wise, but served no purpose for the actual story. His execution was bad. Your execution of your fic doesn’t have to be on the grand scale of a million dollar budget movie, but you do have to make the effort if you want to make a good story. You wanna write a horny smut fic? Power to you, do research into bdsm and healthy safe sex practices. Go into depth about how that makes the characters feel and how it connects to them as people. You can do a fantastic character study just from bdsm practices because of how personal and intimate that situation can be. Even without hard smutty stuff you can still write a deep and personal fic about a character falling in love with the reader if you just take the time to actually develop the relationship between them.”

Phew, that was a lot. Those were really the Main Big Questions I hopefully answered to a satisfactory degree. Ask box is always open, though!

[modew]

Coming out to my parents wasn’t tragic, but it really sucked

Coming out to my parents as asexual was not one of the nicer moments in my life. It’s nothing tragic though. My parents aren’t the kind to treat me shitty or disown me. In fact they said all they care about was that I was happy and healthy.  

I just want to say upfront that this post will be me lamenting how awful coming out to my parents was despite the mentioned absence of tragedy. 

This is simply me being confronted for the first time with people who can’t even begin to grasp the concept of my identity. Who never in their lifetime will understand something as obscure as being asexual (I left out the part about me being aromantic). And honestly I don’t think they want to. Their world works in a certain way and that’s not really gonna change I guess.

So here goes me writing about how fucking awful it was to come out to my parents. I hit a serious low. I was devastated. I felt utterly shitty. I am pretty sure I cried buckets in front of my brother. For the first time the full force of alienation that comes with being a minority hit me. Explaining asexuality to my parents made me feel like I was removing myself farther and farther away from them. I felt like I was slowly drifting from the world that they inhabited. With every word I became less and less of a comprehensible being to them. I became something foreign. It was strangely dehumanizing almost.

For full disclosure, I did an utterly disastrous job at the whole explaining thing. Truthfully, I probably should have better prepared what to actually say. But I was like “I have done this spiel three times already, I’ll just wing it”...

So while I am trying to desperately explain to my parents something that they are clearly not understanding, I am not only struggling with frustration at that but also an incredible high level of discomfort. The sheer discomfort I felt was overwhelming although I had expected some, given that our relationship had never involved conversations like this before. Meaning conversations where I give them any insight about myself really. We talk about the weather, cooking, books, my dog and more stuff that is safely outside of the confines of a heartfelt conversation. You get the picture. 

So, like I said I expected to feel uncomfortable about laying myself open to my parents like that. But I hadn’t accounted for the full extent of what it would mean when a huge introvert like me suddenly thinks exposing myself is a grand idea. I had somehow overlooked the fact that I am the sort of person who protects their insides aggressively and doesn’t open up to people for fun.

Years of friendship to people that didn’t make me put up my armor had gotten me used to actually being comfortable with being myself around people. That hadn’t expanded to my parents but I somehow had ignored that fact. The thing is that in some ways I am really close to my parents. We all love each other, we all would drop anything immediately if any of us needed someone. At the same time I have not once had a heart to heart with my parents. It’s a true mindfuck of a relationship. Or maybe pretty common parent-child dynamic. Who am I to say?

Ok, so, exposing myself, letting people know anything real about me and making myself vulnerable is my worst nightmare. Established that.

When I came out to my parents all that hit me full force. And I was utterly unprepared. I had totally forgotten to put on my bulletproof vest. They didn’t even have to say anything I think. Just slowly having to open up more and more to them was enough for me to crumble behind my facade. Not that I realized until later. I only broke down when the conversation was over and I could flee from them. 

I needed a safe space. I needed to crawl into a warm cocoon. And by warm cocoon I mean I needed a space where I was with people that got me. That didn’t make me feel like an alien. That didn’t make me feel like I was removed from their world. I needed to talk to my friends who at least had a basic understanding of my identity and to whom queer identities weren’t an otherworldly, distant fact of life. I needed to go on AVEN and read about people who were like me. I needed to read a novel about an ace person. I needed to feel like this was real. Like this world that I belonged to was actually out there. That I wasn’t plucking things out of thin air. I existed. My identity existed.

Shit, now I am actually crying again. But it’s hard for me to describe what exactly I am feeling that makes me cry.

I think it’s probably that feeling that you feel if you are any minority. You realize you are not like the rest. And you never will be. I don’t know why this is hitting me so hard right now. Usually I am incredibly happy to be ace. I wouldn’t want to give it back for the world.

But I guess that doesn’t stop me from also feeling this staggering sense of alienation. I don’t even know why it’s a bad thing. Maybe it’s a basic human thing. Wanting to belong to one’s social group on some primal level. I don’t know. 

Or maybe it’s being hit with the realization that the whole world is not geared towards you? That nothing is intended for you?

In that moment what hit me the hardest though was simply that my parents couldn’t understand what I was anymore. And knowing that they never would.

-

[I wrote the above a while ago. I feel like I shouldn’t let it stand like that though.

If you haven’t come out yet and this is discouraging, I am really sorry. Discouraging people from coming out is not my intention. Mostly, I just needed to work through my feelings….But maybe someone can learn from my experience too.

I regret not giving myself more time. I realized I was ace in November and came out to my parents over Christmas. I wanted to tell them in person and the opportunity seemed perfect. I also misguidedly thought I had to come out to my parents. I still don’t think being in the closet would have worked for me but letting myself live a little with my new identity would have probably served me well. In hindsight I just don’t know why I felt like I absolutely had to come out to my parents.

The rest is probably individual. Like I said, being a huge introvert did not come in handy. But that doesn’t apply to everyone, the same as everyone having different relationships to their parents.

What I would suggest though is to not focus so hard on explaining what asexuality actually is. I would have done myself a huge favor if I had just told my parents that I had discovered I was asexual and then focus on how happy it made me. Explaining all the intricacies of the split model of attraction and all that is probably something better done in a separate conversation. I think the stress of coming out is enough for one conversation. If you know you are the sort of person who will be stressed by this, don’t take it all on at once. Also, I didn’t want to tell my parents to just google it. I was so adamant on explaining it myself. But I think it’s just fine to ask your parents or anyone really to read up on your identity on their own.]

[rainbowcolored7]

Okay, now that I've had some time to rewatch and mull over all the information we have so far, I'm going to try and lay out my thoughts. It's gonna get long, I'd meant to do a strictly novel analysis of the scene before it aired, but life got in the way as usual. But I'm kind of glad, 'cause now I can compare the two.

There will be discussion of both the show and the novel below the cut, so if you're not interested in the novel or spoilers please pass this post by.

I'm going to start this off by saying that I am truly happy with the changes they've made in the show when it comes to the consensual aspect of the story between Kinn and Porsche. Also, as a warning, I'm going to be pulling personal experiences out to try and get my thoughts across properly. And, I don't do posts like this, like ever, so sorry if I make zero sense or talk way too much. I just have a lot of thoughts, and on the rare occasion my brain allows me to comprehensively share those thoughts, I need to take advantage.

Let's start this off from the beginning of episode 4. Porsche wakes up in Pete's bed, knows he kissed someone, can't remember, and spends the rest of the first half of the episode trying to piece things together. I know we like to joke about Porsche having a single braincell (and honestly sometimes boy... lol) but he's not an idiot and he does know how to read people. You can't be a good bartender or survive taking care of your family, young and alone, without having a decent grasp on human nature.

I think when Kinn called him up to the balcony and started asking him questions he left that conversation with a flickering of oh, I remember something happened and now Kinn is acting strangely (a theme he vocalizes later in the sauna). I think he's thinking, what did I do this time to make Kinn act so strangely (soft and flirtatious and joking around) towards me?

After he sees Kinn with his escort, realizes Kinn is gay, remembers what happened on the pier, and that what happened wasn't something he did but Kinn kissing him, he asks Pete if you should kiss someone you don't like (and the subtitles changed so don't at me...) , or aren't in a relationship with (or perhaps intentionally pursuing because you like them). Now, obviously, you can kiss people you don't like, but perhaps are just physically attracted to, and I'm sure something is lost in the translation. That or I'm just reading too much into it and Pete saying you only kiss people you like, 'cause baby boy, that ain't true. Side note, I have a feeling Pete might come to realize it isn't true when we get to the point of him with Vegas, but that's an entirely different egg to crack open. (I have also not read that far.)

Now, here, is where I want to point out just how differently Porsche reacts to what happened and how fucking ecstatic I am that they changed it completely. In the novel, Porsche struggles with a lot of internalized homophobia, though he's okay with Yok, who is trans, he mentions it took him some time to be okay with her, but he still recoils at people he thinks might be gay or someone of the same gender expressing interest in him. He frequently compliments men's looks, not just in a friendly way, and thinks about how attractive some men are, Kinn especially. In the novel, once he really realizes he's physically and sexually attracted to Kinn, Porsche has a fucking meltdown of an internal crisis over it. He even goes as far as hitting on all his guy friends trying to reason out why Kinn would be behaving the way he is towards him, and why he kind of likes it (but doesn't, but does, but doesn't etc.). The boy is a mess and in complete denial.

I'm assuming a lot here, and reading between the lines, but how I interpreted it was, Porsche had, at some point in his youth, like a lot of queer youth, gotten a lot of negative feedback about same sex attraction that really dug into his bones, and so whenever he feels anything more than friendship towards another man he freaks out and tries to bury it, all the while wanting it so badly he can't stop himself. i.e. kissing Kinn back and allowing Kinn to essentially do whatever he pleases while being vocally grumpy about it. In the novel, he doesn't know who he is when it comes to his sexuality, he's deep in denial about being bi, and actively fights against it.

The show ripped that all away and gave us the true chaotic bi king we love and adore, and who he should have been in the novel imo. Show Porsche is open, honest to a fault, accepting, understanding. Now, we haven't gotten verbal confirmation that Porsche is bi in the show, but from everything I've witnessed so far I feel safe in saying he's bi, pan, or just plainly doesn't give a fuck as long as he's getting pleasure from his encounters. He seems open to Kinn's attraction as well as his own, though to say for certain we will have to wait until episode 5, where I'm hoping they touch on this subject some more, and I hope it's on the good side in line with the changes from novel Porsche we've gotten so far. (I'm down for some turmoil about him having sex with his boss, but please keep the biphobia out please please).

As much as I'd like to get more into the lead up to the real juicy stuff, I just don't have the energy. So, let's get into the gritty of it, shall we? The drugging scene. We finally made it here. A lot faster than I was expecting? Absolutely. Does it still feel organic after the previous three episodes? If Kinn hadn't said Porsche had been at the compound for a month, yes, but since he did, no.

Porsche has been with Kinn, Khun, the other bodyguards, for a whole month. He's been learning, adjusting, actively trying to become a better bodyguard. The reasons behind his change of heart seem to be him finally coming to the realization of what a serious situation he's landed himself in. It's life or death, his life isn't the only one on the line here, it's everyone around him as well. He's clearly beginning to really care about the well-being of his fellow bodyguards (mainly Pete, Arm, Pol) and Khun and Kinn.

Also, after episode 3, it was clear to me that Porsche finds Kinn physically attractive, and I do believe wanting some kind of approval from Kinn was another motivator. He's curious about Kinn, he's attracted to him, he's leaning into it.

Kinn, poor baby, is having a beautiful emotional crisis, and a lot of that I think is thanks to Mile really pouring his entire being into fleshing Kinn out and turning him into a "well" rounded person rather than the power hungry, totally domineering, bastard asshole, very surface, no depth, Kinn we have in the novel. The changes they've made to Kinn are fucking delightful, and I'm adoring the added depth and emotional vulnerability they've given him.

In the novel, Vegas sexually assaults Porsche. Without penetration, but Kinn does find him in his underwear with marks all over his body. This was one of the parts I was most worried about them adapting in the show. (I will note here, I have not read past the official translation of 1/4 of the novel--which ends with my favorite spicy scene so far and god I hope they give it to us!--the rest I have sought out from fans so it's not a complete picture). The change they made was nice (as nice as beginning to assault someone can be...), and I'm glad we didn't have to go that far. They've clearly changed Vegas a bit, though how much is yet to be seen. I'm holding my judgment for now.

Kinn's internal monologue during the drugging scene is, well, rough to say the least. But that can be said for the novel as a whole. Reading it felt like reading a fic written by a teenager from the early 00's, and not in the good way. Kinn seems like a consent King, but after telling Porsche he'd stop if Porsche told him to, he doesn't. He fucks Porsche all night long, to the point of needing to take him to the hospital the next day because he's bleeding heavily and in a lot of pain. It has its hot moments, but it's rough and gross, and I'm so glad it's been changed in the show.

What the show gave us is stunning in comparison. What the show gave us is fucking beautiful imo. Porsche, after remembering Kinn kissed him, after witnessing him with his escort, after listening to Pete, Porsche takes all of that information and once again, leans into it. He goads Kinn, he flirts with him, he asks him questions not any normal bodyguard would ask. "If your brother didn't give me up, would you even think to take me back?" Any other guard wouldn't give a shit, but Porsche needs to know. There are so many reasons this could be, but I think the main factors are a need for approval, his newfound desire to protect this family, his attraction and curiosity for Kinn, and a need to prove himself as a competent man, which he is in all rights when he puts his mind to something.

There's also something to be said about an unspoken and underlying desire to be cared for, something Porsche has never really had for most of his life. He's always been the caretaker, for Che, for his uncle even. I know y'all noticed how good he is at taking care of Tankhun? It's because he's in a familiar roll, he knows how to do this with ease. Kinn on the other hand? Someone who doesn't need coddling and caring for? He doesn't know how to handle that, but after his initial rebellion, after seeing some different sides of Kinn, he wants back in. I think, subconsciously at this point, he sees how Kinn would take care of him and he wants it.

Yes, Porsche is drugged. Yes, being under the influence makes consent iffy, but it does not mean Porsche did not give his consent or wasn't able to. Porsche may not have given verbal consent, what he did do is give consent in every other possible way, and that is what Kinn responded to. Porsche joked with Kinn about wanting to see him naked, playfully slapped his hands away, and each time Kinn respectfully pulled back. Those examples are a clear lack of consent, and Kinn responded appropriately to them. But as soon as Porsche changed gears so did Kinn, still yet with reluctance because of Porsche's state and also his brewing feelings. It wasn't one-sided, it was a push and pull on both ends.

I know there will be some who disagree with me, and that's fine. I'm pulling from my own experiences here, and what I saw in episode 4 was consensual and not rape in the slightest. I've done a lot of things in my 30+ years that I'm not proud of, certainly, but even fall-over drunk, even sky-high on drugs, I was able to give and deny consent. Was it a good idea? Of course not. Do I have regrets? Some. But being young and reckless, well, me and Porsche seem to have that in common. I mean, Porsche is in his early twenties, and my early twenties were quite literally a blur of alcohol, drugs, parties, and bad (but fun) decisions.

Porsche was high as a kite, but he was also coherent. Porsche was the one pulling Kinn in. Porsche was the one verbally and non-verbally saying yes, please, I know you want this, I want it too can't you see? Let me show you. Not to mention, no sugarcoating, having sex when you're high is fucking awesome and, frankly, I don't think this is a first for Porsche. Also, I want to mention, and this is really important, if you throw up while you're high it does sober you up a bit. It dampens the experience and brings you back into your mind. I can say this with absolute certainty, I've done it several times.

Another thing I want to point out in regard to consent is Porsche never once told Kinn no. Never once did he tell him to stop. Porsche was smiling constantly, he was taking initiative, he was undressing Kinn himself, he wanted all of what happened. Will he regret it the next day? Probably. We will have to wait and see. But bottom line, the show changed this scene for the better, a lot better.

Anyway, this was less of an analysis and more of a thought word vomit 'cause I've been wanting to talk about this scene for weeks now, and I'm also sick and tired of people saying it was rape in the tags. Kinn did not rape Porsche. Porsche gave non-verbal consent, and yes it is possible to give consent when under the influence, even if it's not a good idea. This is not the hill we need to be dying on. Let's wait for VegasPete for that, shall we?

Please, do not fucking come for me. I'm down to discuss, but I will not respond to bullshit. Thanks. ❤️

[archivedatl]

Old Blogs

Howdy. I’ve noticed some concern over the loss of my old blogs here n’ there so I decided to post all of them in one large, comprehensive blog-a-verse. Hope this brings a smile to a few faces. Our Street Corners Keep Secrets This is me asking for a brick to be thrown through my window,
a message attached that reads, "Why can’t you just wake up?"
I am not a star,
don’t look up to me in hopes of finding something more.
That which is out of reach does not promise anyone a goddamn thing.
Hope arises in possibility,
but possiblity is fragmented and selfish,
so don’t think for a second that I am safe ground to walk on.
I will sink beneath the feet of a thousand travelling companions,
and make ruin of any city’s foundations,
because concrete and steel can never tell a soul how it feels.
Our street corners keep secrets, and our road signs only suggest,
never deciding for us,
never knowing if the destination to which they lead,
is where we truely belong.
Life’s greatest tragedy is not that it will some day end,
but that most of us just live to follow directions,
and many times we end up totally lost. I am a landmine. Sometimes I break down so hard you can hear it, and when I can stand to come near it with means to repair, the chances of walking out unscathed are slim to none.
I know because I’m one; a victim of second-hand breakdowns and bad impressions, made under intoxicated conditions with poorly lit expressions. And I regret not going back, I regret not missing flights, I regret not asking for more and taking chances that I can only hope will not be forgotten. My fingers are crossed.

I-O-U.

Now my telephone’s dead and I can’t stand to hold out like this, but I’m constantly checking myself so as not to be a burden. Anything too heavy eventually gets dropped, no matter the cost. Let me be light as a feather, but valued enough so as to remain in a back pocket, until those jeans need washing and I find my place on a bedside table, to be read aloud on nights when memories and prying needs return to haunt the foundations of this room.

Pick me up,
Read me every now and then,
I won’t disappoint.
*I am* witty and engaging so bless me with attention, because I’m *dying* for attention *without* any means of telling *you*. I’ll talk the talk, you take care of the rest. What up thugs?

I’m alive and well, realizing how eternally grateful I am for everything going on in my life day by day... Its a lot like learning to walk - at least, that’s how I’d like to think of it. We’ve all been there, so I won’t waste your time painting a pretty picture of how it all goes down...
I want to talk about other things...
First and foremost, I’ve come to understand that as of late there have been a lot of people finding this little piece of my life tucked away on the web; moreso than usual, and for that reason, I’d like to extend my proverbial hand to anyone and everyone who may have something - anything to say to me. Thank you for taking an interest in who I am and what I’m attempting to do with my life. I am opening myself up, as much as possible, to anyone who may be interested. All I ask is that whoever you may be, wherever you may be, understand that I am only human - two hands, ten fingers, and a life... I’ve received a few messages from people, upset that I haven’t been able to respond to their previous comments or private messages, and who now probably think less of me for it. I hope this isn’t the case, but its bound to happen. What I’m saying is that I don’t live my life on the internet... I’m sorry if there’s a message I never got around to responding to... I’m just not that good at keeping up with reality, let alone a virtual one. I will, however, try harder from now on... And understand that even if I don’t respond, I probably have read your message. I don’t just clear my inbox and move on. Thats plain rude. :)

To all my good friends,
the ones I should talk to more often,
the ones I left back home,
the ones I will never stop loving,
thank you for still hugging me when I come home...
I know I don’t always show it,
but I’m forever indebted to you all for everything you’ve ever done for me...

That brings me to my second point.
The closest friends you’ll ever have are the ones you’d take a bullet for,
but they’re the ones you constantly feel you could put a bullet in as well. ;)

Think about that one.

That’s it for now. I can’t believe I’m up at 5:14am. Touring has made me an insomniac, but I feel fucking great.

Have a good one y’all,

Me Lawyers and Liars I am a liar.
I am self absorbed.
I am in this for me.
I am seeking recognition.
I am not concerned with politics.
I am attempting to rise to the top.
I am never going to forget my intentions.
I am allowed to worry about my own life above the lives of others.

-------AFTER ALL---------

I am human. Part Deux: Colors, Sounds and Feather-Downs 
Current mood: happy I had a long, goofy conversation several weeks ago with an interesting girl who I haven’t seen since, in a diner I have yet to revisit, but it stirred up some thoughts that I found pretty interesting. Maybe I’m just nuts. Anyhow, the discussion began on a simple basis; I inquired as to what her favorite color might be. She said she didn’t know. I replied, "How can you not know? Its a simple question." -- She paused, looking sort of surprised, as if someone had never pressed her for an answer before, and then replied, "Well... It changes... Today its yellow."

I didn’t know what to say...
I didn’t understand.

How can your favorite color just change?
What happened to yesterday’s favorite color?
If, on a whim, something of such esteem and value can be replaced with another, then on what grounds was it ever of any more value to begin with?
When I was little, my favorite color was green. It stayed that way, no matter what I said to be trendy at the time (IE. 8th grade was my "black is such a raw and expressive pigment" phase, but everyone goes through that shit.) As of late, I’ve become more partial to blue - Light blue in particular, but that’s not that important. My point is that something happened that caused me to send green packing, and to fall absolutely head-over-heels for blue.
(Stay with me on this...)
Now, such a dramatic change in attraction doesn’t just happen - I mean shit, I know we’re only talking about colors here, but this kind of switch-a-roo has only happened ONCE in my entire life. Green ---> Blue. Just like that. Must mean somthing, right?
Pablo Picasso went through a "blue period", at which time he was broke and mourning the loss of a dear friend. There’s a similarity there somewhere.
Please don’t get me wrong, I am by no means depressed, nor do I have any reason to be, but perhaps color - every, individual hue, represents to each of us a state of being, and in turn, helps us to deal with whatever it is we may be going through. I’m not talking mood-ring shit here. What I mean is that there are things - simple things - that without our knowing, mean the world to us and when they change, they change for our own good, because whether we like it or not, we are looking out for ourselves. We do it unconsciously - But we do it. We do it to stay happy and to stay alive... And above all else, that’s what matters.
On this note, I’d like to attempt to make my point - Don’t throw yourself out on another’s whim. People change, as do intentions and as a result, consequences. Live for yourself - love those around you, but realize that they’ve got their own agendas. People will screw you - You will screw people... Green ---> Blue. Get it? I’m not sure I do... Always consider that your life will venture in new directions, but be aware that other’s will do the same, and in accordance, understand that to be happy, people must exist in their own light, cast in and of themselves, not by the light of their peers. Conflict will arise because of this. Conflict is to be expected; conflict is a part of life. Find ways to work through conflict, even if it means picking a new favorite color...


I hope this makes a little sense.


I’m tired and rambling, and perhaps just a misguided fool, but I think there’s something in this - something that I am learning and accepting as my fingers punch these keys to an inviting, hypnotic rhythm. I feel like they’re leading me somewhere, and I’ve decided to follow.

____I’m going to bed. Take from this what you will.

Love,

Alexander William Gaskarth

*I feel fine* The first of many, I hope. 
Current mood: happy So I’ve decided to spill it; the beans, the juice, my guts... Whatever you want to call it, consider it spilled. Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done an excellent job of keeping just about everything true about myself, to myself... and for good reason - what people don’t know, people can’t use against you. I guess that’s my first confession. I fucking despise the way people operate. The way people go out of their way to find things out, only to throw them senselessly (BLINDLY) into conversation later. I don’t know if its intentional, (I guess that sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t,) but frankly, it gets to me. Its the same kind of prying aggravation I feel when someone starts moving shit around in my car, or on my computer table. Stop putting hills in my rugs! Please. Call me OCD but if I put something somewhere, chances are, I wanted it there and it should remain that way. Its the same for anyone else. Let one’s own business remain that way. Anyway. I’ve fallen into a depression lately - not emotionally per say, but I feel like my ability to open up to people has peaked over the past two years. I used to be so ready to say anything, without caring how it affected me, but recently I’ve become so protective of myself, not because I’m afraid of getting hurt by others, but because I might make myself look bad. It’s disgusting. I never used to be so self-absorbed. Its like in every situation, I’m wearing a mask... Not just one mask, in fact, but many masks; Masks to hide masks between people - to hide certain sides of myself from those who disapprove where others don’t. I try so hard to win the approval of everyone. Why? Fucked if I know. I just love being the center of attention I guess. And all this time I thought myself to be humble. No sir. But then, who really is humble? Everyone wants to be loved, right? So am I wrong in looking out for my own well being? Who knows? It makes me sick to my stomach, regardless. I’ve unknowingly stumbled across so many insecurities lately that I feel like a different person at times. It’s like I’ve been born all over again, to a world where I have to carry myself differently. I’m still opinionated, I’m still eagerly in search of answers, but my motives have changed. I do it for myself now; for the praise and admiration I earn as a result of my actions, not for the simple pleasure found in just "doing it". Maybe its all just part of growing up, as they say. Maturing... You know? But does it continue to change? Will I stop acting like such an asshole? Who knows. It worries me. I don’t want to be like this, but its who I’ve become... What’s worse is that I don’t know who or what to blame for the transformation. That would be too easy, right? I digress. I’ve got a lot of things on my plate. My dreams are coming true right before my very eyes - I have a band - We’re going somewhere - This time next year I hope I’m far, far away from this place. I want to see Japan. I’ve wanted to see Japan for a while now; call it a calling. Haha. I don’t know what I want when I get there - I don’t even like the hustle of big cities for too long. Gives me a headache. But there’s something about it. I’ll see it soon enough. The repetition of every day life kills. It ruins the flow of my creative juices. No joke. On days that I sleep in, I go to bed feeling exhausted, and yet, I never sleep on the weekends, when I should want rest. I don’t. It would be a waste of freedom. Why spend time on parole in seclusion, you know? I’m only tired on weekdays - only when I know I have to drag myself out of my fucking room to take a shower and go to school, and then to work. Maybe I’m not tired. Maybe it’s just a natural defense against running myself into the ground with routine. I feel pale, and sick, and run down... For no reason. I eat right. I see the light of day. I breathe fresh air all the time. I love the outdoors. Shit. I love my life. But between Monday and Thursday I feel so transient... My head isn’t in the clouds - My feet aren’t on the ground. Where am I? I don’t know, but frankly, it sucks. I have some good friends. We get hammered sometimes and forget about everything. The occasional dramatic scene is worth it. People naturally don’t get along with one another. It’s all a matter of how tolerant people are. I have some tolerant friends. In turn, I think I put up with my share of bullshit. It’s like a cycle of tough loving. But it works. It keeps me sane. In the end I think we really do love each other. Awww. I also like to kiss people. It gets me into trouble sometimes. Whatever. Certain individuals need to stop looking for love in the wrong places. --I can’t talk. --I’ve found love in the worst places. --Its not an easy thing to deal with. --Doesn’t change the way I feel about them. --Its ok. --As long as I’m happy. There I go being selfish again. ___I’m done confessing for now. Take from this what you will. Love, Alexander William Gaskarth *I feel better.*

[whichtammy]

Sent from Ithaca Ⅰ

Summary:

After "the Blip" and getting back to his daily life, Sam Wilson gets attracted by an email shown in his mailbox repeatedly and starts continuous correspondence with the sender named Ithaca. During their correspondence, Sam fills the lost memory of his lost home and starts to rebuild new life in the so-called post-bilp era. With the more letters he sends to and receives from Ithaca, however, the more strange connections does Sam find showing up between his real life and the words written down by that Ithaca who loves to tell stories and poems in his letters. Sam can't help but feeling that maybe there was not only an anonymous pen pal who loves literal fantasy behind the name of Ithaca, but a sign with an intention to lead him to get across the boundary between stories and the real life.

—————————————————————

Hi，

I was in your support group for veterans four years ago, are you still work there now? I'm wondering if I could be a member of your group again, or could you please recommend some other groups like that for me?

PS. I'd like to ask that can we talk if it is possible? The group work under your guidance had helped me a lot in the past, I wishthere could be a chance for me to say thank you in person.

Please contact me.

Yours

Ithaca

Sam Wilson finds the mail in his mailbox much of puzzling, the sender'sidentity is ambiguity, as well as the intention. He did work in a support group for veterans for a while, not a short time in fact, it was a regular and steady job after his retirement from the army. However, everybody could know it if one ever had any interest in Sam Wilson, nearly everything of him is on the internet after his real identity was made public, and his work experiences is just a small part of this massive archive of Sam Wilson, open source, 7/24 online. So, even the sender said he (maybe a she, Sam thinks) had been in his support group, there is nothing provable that he or she had really been there, nor if he is really a veteran who is searching for information. It seems like that the only real and clear intention is to get contact with Sam, and for some reasons, the contacts on the other side chose to make himself vague, hiding behind the name of Ithaca, which is no doubt an alias, left nothing of contact details, no phone number, no address. Of this Ithaca, the only information Sam receives is the request of "please contact me"at the end of an email and a traceless virtual mail address.

Another information Sam has is that the sending time of the mail is three years after when it was first sent. He checked through the inbox, there are actually more than one single letter with the same content, that Ithaca keeps sending the same mail to him every three months all the time and today is the day of another third month, so his mailbox received the exactly same words again. He must be doubting, if notthe detail time of "I was in your support group for veterans___ago" keeps changing, that maybe the sender had set a repeating schedule sending and forget it all afterwards, only to leave him an alarmed-like mailbox to remind him that "it'stime"with a virtual Ding.

However, the sender never forgot his letter, nor did Sam ever receive the reminder. He didn'tget any reminds of his mailbox at all during the past three years, in fact, he was even not reminded of himself either for such a long time. He feels like the life of his is a movie with the audience left midway, when the one was back to watch, it is already the "three years later". He also thinks himself as the movie lost audience and the audience missed the movie at the same time, as the movie, he continues without being conscious of, as the moviegoer, he watches with a lack of awareness of what has happened. There is a gap in his memory, something interrupted there, he knows it is there, but he can'tknow what it is that he missed exactly——he just keeps playing and watching, for he has settle down in now, he would have no time to chase the missing part in the past at the same time.

Is the mail a plot supplement of the movie? Sam clicks the reply, forIthaca’s mail, not the other mails alike in his inbox. His mail address got public too after the publicity, people keeps sendingmails in, they are just having a try, it'ssort of a free inviting after all. Many senders write true and false stories about themselves with fictional names and identities, some of them even make up stories of Sam and them to make themselves look like a real person who had real connection with him. Now, Sam has learned to distinguish these big and small lies from his experience of being a celebrity, he doesn'treply any of them now, but he picks up some long mails of them to read with an interest at some time and gets amazed by the imagination and details all the time. He admits to himself more than one time that he would really believe those stories they write about Sam Wilson if he is not Sam Wilson himself. Sometimes he would wonder, did he really in fact play a role in others'life in such a strange and detailed way? Is he really someone to others? Can he indeed have such strange and detailed meaning to strangers'life?

So he replys.

Hi Ithaca,

I'm not working in that group now, if you are looking for something like that, I think that the official website of SRV(Supporting and Rebuilding with Veteran) may provide the information you need about similar activities and groups we had before.

It would be my pleasure if i had helped, I'm so grateful for your supports, too.

Best wishes

Sam Wilson

He reads his brief reply again with a mixed feeling of curiosity and suspiciousness. He wants to see the sender behind the mask, while he is afraid of the fact that what he reveals would only be another face of a hater, a stalker. The mailbox is fulled with mails of stalking, fever, curses and hatred, and they are only a small part of the massive archive of the cult of Sam Wilson. Maybe that is what it takes be to a celebrity, Sam thinks, being a celebrity means exposing yourself to everyone, there is a chance that anyone could come for you, holding a comprehensive information of you and somehow your life truns to be a waiting for the ambush from maybe a friend or foe. He used to believe that he would leave the habit of distinguish people as friend and foe behind when he left the army, he knew he needed time to adopt a new regular life, he would take time to tame his battle life into a tamed daily life, that's why he joint the support group for veterans, as a group member first, sooner a group leader. Sam had expectations of it, he was hoping to build a loose but continuous connection between his two lives and land himself in the soft daily life without enemy in the end.The smooth landing he hoped for would not erase his old friends who had gone with his old foes away in a cold way, he was trying to make it a soft goodbye. Sam truly believe it a realistically ideal plan, he was planing to share this realistic idealism to more people like him. He failed, he thinks later, his vision of life was much simpler that what it is. Life was not going to say a soft hello in return, Sam soon realized the group was in fact the beginning of a new war. He had planned to meet with different people and experience, even complex adventures, the exciting potential was as another a great reason why he choose to keep contact with veterans, but he didn't see the whole vision, he didn't know how strange the man he would meet, nor did he predict the adventures coming along with him. He had no idea about the honor he would fight for, for he was clueless about bad things coming along with it as well.

He recalls that he had regarded the veteran group as a farewell to sacrifice, no more sacrifice he would see, what's waiting for would only be stories of sacrifice to be heard, they would not be alive but are only memories, living in the past and reliving only in the room crowded with lively narrators. That was what Sam expected for, he was prepared for heavy stories and sharing the burden of those who could take their stories alone no more. He would be obligatory to help if the owner wanted to share her or his story. Tell the untold, remember the forgotten, make nameless sacrifice heard and rest in a rectified name, he said this to himself. Now he sees the imprudence of his prediction, the future has given him stories as wish, telling him that his life would be totally changed by a stranger, who carries so many stories that he himself is like a fictional being in the end, every story he had dreamed for would come true because of the stranger, in a wilder way though, just like a fictional fantasy.

For this reason Sam feels he has a empathy for people who write him long letters, how couldn't he show up in someone's "normal life" when the living legend Captain America could ran into his house and asked for help when he was a normal nobody. Sam is immersing in those thoughts and writes his polite reply with a intention of keeping distance from Ithaca. On the one side, the last thing he wants to do is to arouse the interest of a potential stalker, on the other, he would blame himself if he intended to ignore someone with a honest and stubborn heart, even though he knows that the line between a insisting fan and insisting hater is always dim. Sam would like to believe maybe the sender really have some stories to tell, the name of Ithaca implies it, too. The name is another reason made him write his reply, he is home now, spending his time getting familiar with the small town he used to know very well. It occurs to him that the sender, if is telling the truth and did attend his group activities, could possibly be the young man who said wanted to be a poet in a theme activity of "getting a job". Sam remembers his talk, he said he was reading Homer then and recited some verses from the epic. He can't remember the verses by words, but he has a clear picture of the scene, it was some poetic sentences about the desire of going home and the failed of it. The young man said that everyone in the room would share the same feeling when they heard Ithaca calling Odysseus. A long silence fell down to the room after his speech, the young man sensed it too, he said "sorry" as a conclusion. There was no "it's OK" responded, perhaps people in the room had no clue of whether should she or he accept that apology, they may didn't know should they take it as something offensive but forgivable, people were just sad. Sam was short of words for a while, he hadn't read the book then, but the poem did hurt him down in a direct way. He thought at that time that maybe that was the gift of being a poet, look at the reckless young man, he could lift and drown people's hearts only by a verse.

Sam opens the browser to search what exactly the verses are, unfortunately, his vague memory leads him to nothing precisely relevant, which makes him want a reply mail from Ithaca more eagerly, he wants him to contact him back, as long as he is the young man in his memory. Sam opens his mailbox, writes and sends another mail to Ithaca, he thinks himself kind of reckless as soon as he clicked the button of "send", what if he is not him? What if the man on the other side has a dark plan? Would he use his letter as an inspiration of gossips and rumors? Things like that happen all the time. Sam is so tired of get misunderstood because of his own words being twisted, he always gets hurt of those made-up stories, he is tired of making explanations of his stories which are not belong to him at all, he is tired of feeling hurt. He sends it anyway.

Hi Ithaca,

I can't remember if it goes like

"they talk about the days of going home"

Sam

To Be Continued…

[inawickedlittletown]

I’m With You (22/22)

Summary:

Having a crush was nothing to be ashamed of…lying to the family and friends of said crush about being the guy’s boyfriend, that was a whole other problem. When Buck saves the life of Andrew Diaz and accidentally makes a nurse think that he’s Andrew’s boyfriend, Buck soon finds himself lying to Andrew’s firefighter friends/coworkers as well as Andrew’s family including Andrew’s very suspicious and attractive brother, Eddie.

Based on the 1995 movie While You Were Sleeping.

Words: 4,916

Notes: And we are at the end. Enjoy. 

Read on Ao3

Masterpost

Previous Chapter

–

Eddie saw the pictures before he heard about the get together at Chim’s apartment. Karen had posted a few pictures on Instagram and Eddie had just happened to open the app in time to see them. The thing that struck him the most was that Buck looked happy. He was smiling wide standing between Hen and Karen and then in another with his sister. And then in the last picture, it was Buck, Chim, Hen, and Andrew. 

So, it was to Andrew that Eddie went first. “How’s Buck?” 

“He’s good. Which doesn’t mean that you’re off the hook on talking to him.”

Eddie shrugged him off. 

“He really is good, Eddie,” Andrew said. 

Hen brought up the dinner later, filling Bobby in on Buck and more specifically that Buck was training to become a firefighter. 

“I think that would be good for him,” Bobby said. 

Eddie didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected that at all. Buck was going to be a firefighter. 

A week later, he watched Maddie enter the station. She was on her own and Eddie was up on one of the trucks doing some maintenance so she didn’t notice him. Eddie got to watch as Hen greeted her, but then it was Chimney that she left with. 

“What’s up with that?” he asked Hen later when they were leaving the station. 

“Chim said something about Maddie needing a comprehensive movie guide,” Hen said with a shrug. 

“Is Buck really okay?” Eddie asked. 

Hen gave a slight nod. “He’s doing something he loves and he has his sister back. I think — I think Buck is okay. He’ll be okay even if you never talk through whatever you’re still angry about. But I think the two of you should talk.” 

“He should be the one to—”

Hen raised a hand to stop him. “What, to apologize? He sort of did that already. Andrew isn’t even holding it against him, so I don’t get why you are.” 

“I’m not holding—”

“You are,” Hen said. “But you shouldn’t.”

He couldn’t make himself call. Or text. And then, when he finally built up the courage to return to Coffee Time to see if he could catch Buck there, Buck wasn’t there. Not the first time he stopped by. Not the second. The third time that he went in and didn’t find Buck, Eddie finally asked the person at the counter. 

“Buck doesn’t work here anymore,” Buck’s former co-worker told him which meant that Eddie had to actually call him or text him or show up at his apartment. None of which felt like something he could actually do. 

He did need to do something, though, because Buck was a constant thought in his mind. He was past the anger and past all the resentment he’d felt about the guilt that Buck had made him feel and instead he just missed him. He was reminded of Buck constantly. Legolas alone could bring forth memories and then there was everything else. Everyone else who still had a connection to him and saw him if not regularly, at least they did see him. 

All of it came to a head when he was over at abuela’s house with Christopher. Andrew was supposed to join them but he was running late so while Christopher was outside with Legolas, Eddie had a moment with his abuela. 

“No estás bien,” she said. “Te veo triste, mijo.” 

[“You’re not okay.” she said. “I can see you’re sad, kiddo”]

“I’m okay, abuela,” Eddie responded. 

“This has to do with Buck, doesn’t it? Ese día en la fiesta de Andrew, todo lo que pasó con Buck. Todavía estás enojado?”

[“...that day at Andrew’s party, everything that happened with Buck. You’re still angry?”]

Maybe there was some lingering anger but it wasn’t even directed at Buck. It was more that Eddie wished things were different and that somehow if Eddie hadn’t gone and lost Buck’s friendship that something more could have been possible. The potential for more between them...it felt like it was lost. 

“Eddie, qué estás esperando si lo extrañas tanto? Andrew dice que Buck está bien. Va ser un bombero.”

[“Eddie, what are you waiting for if you miss him so much? Andrew says that Buck is okay. He’s going to be a firefighter.”]

“It’s not just that I miss him,” Eddie said and he took a deep breath. “I think...I think I love him. I think he’s the only person I’ve met since Shannon that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with and even though I like to think that I actually do know him, he lied. He lied to all of us. So how much of what he told me is real? And then there’s...well, who knows how he feels about me.” 

Abuela gave him a pointed look but she didn’t get to say anything because Pepa arrived. While Eddie could easily figure out that his abuela wasn’t too bothered by any of what Buck had done, Pepa was different and Eddie just couldn’t tell how she felt mostly because she didn’t ever bring up Buck. And if his name came up, she raised an eyebrow and said nothing more. 

“Didn’t know you’d be here, Eddie,” she said. “I just spoke to your mom. She and your dad are coming back next week?” 

Eddie nodded. The only part about his parents returning to LA that he liked was that they were going to be staying with Andrew. Like Pepa, his parents had said very little on the whole Buck debacle. Eddie suspected that they’d talked to Andrew about it. Maybe Andrew had put them off on talking to him about Buck. Eddie didn’t mind that too much because if Andrew was pushy, his mother was much worse.

“I think mom thinks she’s going to convince Andrew not to go through with it,” Eddie said. 

Pepa chuckled. “I wish her luck. And how are you doing, Edmundo?” 

“He’s missing Buck,” Abuela said. “I miss him too.” 

“He lied to us,” Pepa said. 

“Pepa, no seas asi. Ves a este chico, esta enamorado.” 

[“Pepa, don’t be like that. Look at this boy, he’s in love.”]

Eddie just groaned. He felt Pepa’s hand land on his hair, running her fingers through it gently and soothing. “Eddito, if you really feel like that, what are you waiting for?” 

“You just said it. He lied to us and I have no idea how he feels or what will—”

Her hand tugged at his hair suddenly and he yelped. “Stop thinking so much. You’ll drive yourself crazy. You just have to talk to him.”

“Right, like that’s easy.” But they were right. He did need to talk to Buck. 

Pepa was looking at him still. 

“Look, I can’t pretend I’m not still mildly upset about all of this with Buck. But, I also know that he didn’t pretend to be anything different than who he is with us. And I’m sure once I see him again, it’ll be easy to forgive him.” 

—

Buck was so busy with his last few weeks of training and how grueling it all was to notice much outside of what it meant to be so close to being done. So, he didn’t realize that Maddie and Chim hung out more than he hung out with either of them. He also failed to open any of his mail or check his phone — mostly because he knew his bills weren’t due for a few weeks yet and everyone that was important in his life knew that he was too busy to do much more than train and sleep and as such would understand when Buck didn’t respond right away. 

And then when those final weeks came to an end, came the testing. The written portion and the physical all of it combined to measure all the skills that Buck had learned over the last few months. It felt surreal to have gotten to the end and even more surreal when there were results in front of him and he passed. Top marks. Any station would have him. 

“But there is one that has put in a request for you, Buckley,” one of his instructors, Danny, said. 

The 118. Buck just didn’t know if that was what he wanted. Andrew was already off of the 118 and as much as Buck loved Chim and Hen, he didn’t know if it would be possible for him to work with Eddie. He also hadn’t seen Bobby yet since everything happened but Bobby had clearly put through the request to get him so he had to be okay with it. 

“The 118?” Buck asked. 

“You have friends there, Buckley?”

“You could say that,” Buck said. “I just don’t know if going to work with them is a good idea.”

Danny touched Buck’s shoulder. “The people you work with on this job, those people become family. You’ll spend more time with them than you expect and you will know every single one of them better than you’ll know anyone else because it’s that closeness that makes this work. It’s trust that makes it easier for you to do your job. We leave everything behind to do this, to focus on saving lives, but it’s far easier when you’re carrying the burden of this job with those you work with.”

Trust. It came down to that, to how Buck knew that Eddie didn’t trust him. 

“I think I have to turn that offer down,” Buck said. 

“Think on it, Buckley. You don’t have to decide now. Captain Nash, he’s one of the best. Maybe talk to your friends before you decide. No one will be assigned officially until tomorrow.” 

“Right,” Buck said. “Thanks.” 

It wouldn’t change for him, he knew. He wouldn’t do that to Eddie, he wouldn’t encroach on his space, push in where he wasn’t wanted even if it would disappoint Hen and Chim and maybe even Bobby.

Somehow, it wasn’t Maddie that he called to talk about it, though, but Andrew. And Andrew agreed to meet him for coffee at Coffee Time. 

Ali was there when Buck arrived. Buck joined the line while he waited for Andrew. He had almost made it to the front of the line when Andrew entered and Buck felt a little like he’d gone back in time. Andrew pushed the door open and he was just as handsome as ever as he walked in. Buck couldn’t help but smile, remembering when he’d been behind that counter admiring this man. 

“Buck!” he said as he approached and he pulled Buck into a tight hug. “How are you?” 

“I’m good. Great, even.” 

“Wait, wasn’t today...wait, are you a probie officially?” Andrew asked. 

“That I am,” Buck said and he couldn’t help but smile to himself. “And it seems like Bobby is trying to pull some strings to have me join the 118. That’s, um, that’s why I asked you to meet me.” 

“Yeah, I know,” Andrew said. “I spoke to him about it and we all felt you’d fit in perfectly in my spot.”

Buck took a breath, but they had reached the counter at that point and Ali was there with both of their coffee orders ready and a plate with danishes. Andrew picked up his cup and the plate and motioned towards one of the empty tables. 

“So, you two together officially, now?” Ali asked. 

“What? No. Andrew isn’t into men. But we’re friends now.” 

“Well, he’s still really nice to look at,” Ali said complete with an eyebrow wiggle. “Think there’s a chance he could—”

Buck rolled his eyes. He put a bill down in front of her and grabbed his coffee. 

“I’m just saying, Buck, you could put in a good word for me.”

Buck laughed. Andrew was waiting for him at a table. 

“You don’t want to join the 118,” Andrew said after Buck sat down. 

“I — I don’t know, Andrew. I mean I love Hen and Chim and Bobby and I liked everyone else from the station well enough but there’s Eddie to consider too. I doubt he’d be happy to have me around.”

Buck averted his gaze, staring at his coffee instead. 

Andrew chuckled. “You haven’t spoken to him? I thought — Eddie said he was going to talk to you weeks ago.”

“I haven’t spoken to him,” Buck said and he hated how a burst of hope ran through him. He glanced back up at Andrew. “I’ve been...I’ve been busy, though. Is he, is he mad at me about it, still?”

“I don’t think he is,” Andrew said. “If he ever really was. Look, Buck, my brother is stubborn. We both know that. He needed time. Maybe less than he got if we’re honest, but he did...and more importantly, you needed time. And look at you, look at what you’ve done. What you are. You did all of this on your own and you needed to.”

Buck didn’t know how to respond. He took a gulp of his coffee. It was hot, maybe a bit too hot, but the slight burn on his tongue felt good. 

“You should talk to him,” Andrew said. “If you want. Or you should join the 118. Or you can go somewhere else and be whoever and whatever you want to be. All, I’m saying, is that this is all up to you, Buck. You made a choice to save my life and maybe you got something out of that too—”

“By lying,” Buck said, interrupting. “By pretending that I was someone to you and by continuing that charade even when I...when I knew it was going to blow up in my face.” 

Andrew’s fingers were cold when they touched Buck’s hand, taking it into a tight grip. “You did something stupid, but not malicious. And you’re better for it. I know my family, I know the effect that they have on people and I’m not just talking about Pepa and abuela and my parents, but everyone. And you needed them. You needed their kindness and their acceptance and it’s entirely possible that we all needed someone like you. Even, Eddie. Maybe especially Eddie.” 

“I don’t know what to say.” 

“Just answer one thing for me,” Andrew said and he was smirking, full teeth. There was mischief there which meant that Buck couldn’t help but worry. 

“What?” Buck asked. 

“Do you love him? Eddie, that is?” 

Buck’s hand fell away from Andrew’s. And he knew the answer. He absolutely knew the answer which didn’t make it easy to admit. 

“You do,” Andrew said. “That’s why this is so hard. Go talk to Eddie.” 

“Right now?” Buck asked. 

“Why keep waiting?”

“Because I have no idea how to do this,” Buck said. 

“Tell the truth. That always helps,” Andrew said and then he pulled out a pen from somewhere and wrote down Eddie’s address. “Go.” 

“But—”

“Go,” Andrew said, even more insistent. 

Buck looked at Andrew for a beat longer and then glanced back at Ali. “You know, my former co-worker over there wanted me to put in a good word.” 

Andrew laughed, loud and surprised. 

“Of course, I should also add that the first time I stepped into your house there was a bra hanging off of a lamp so I don’t know if I should actually encourage that.” 

“Buck, stop getting distracted and go,” Andrew said pointedly. 

—

Eddie’s yard was not as big as Andrew’s, but it was enclosed and it meant that Legolas had somewhere to run around with Christopher. Eddie did sometimes take him over to Andrew’s place so he could have a bit more space or over to his abuela’s house. On a few occasions, Eddie had even taken Legolas and Christopher to the dog park, but Eddie always worried about the other dogs getting too close to Christopher. Although, as it turned out, Legolas could be pretty protective of him. 

Christopher and Legolas were both out in the yard and Eddie had been keeping his eyes out on them through the kitchen window while he made him and Christopher sandwiches. Christopher was sitting on the grass and petting the dog which meant that Eddie felt okay with leaving them to it for a moment and going to the bathroom. He had barely closed the door before he heard Christopher shouting and some barking. 

“Legolas! Legolas, come back!” 

Eddie ran out. Christopher was standing with only one of his crutches. Legolas was gone. Eddie didn’t see him anywhere. He rushed towards Christopher, who reached for him. 

“Hey, what happened?” Eddie said as he picked him up. “Are you okay?”

“He ran,” Christopher said. “Like when the earthquake happened. Dad, do you think this is another earthquake?” 

It was a real possibility. Eddie was aware that animals acted strange whenever things like earthquakes happened. 

“I don’t know, Chris,” Eddie said and yet the dog was nowhere to be found. “I’m sure he’s around here somewhere. He can’t get out of the yard.” 

At least, Eddie was sure that he couldn’t. In the time that they’d had Legolas, he hadn’t once tried to get out of the yard. Eddie bent to pick up Christopher’s fallen crutch just as he heard barking, but it was definitely not coming from anywhere in the yard. 

“Daddy, I hear him,” Christopher said. 

It sounded like he was somewhere in the front of the house. So maybe he did have a way to get out of the yard or the door hadn’t been latched properly. 

Eddie set Christopher down and headed to the door leading out of the yard to the front of the house. He heard Christopher following behind him. Eddie stopped short just as he was rounding the house because Legolas was there wiggling excitedly, his tail wagging to and fro as he jumped around and his whole body shook with excitement. Buck was on the ground doing some mixture of petting and hugging Legolas while the dog licked his face. 

“Buck,” Eddie whispered, so low that Buck definitely didn’t hear it. 

Then, Christopher arrived and he didn’t pause like Eddie did. And he yelled, “Buck!” 

Buck glanced at them, then, and he smiled that blinding smile that made Eddie suddenly remember how attracted he was to this man. Buck was there in front of them. He was smiling. He was at Eddie’s house, hugging Eddie’s dog and in the next moment hugging Christopher and laughing. Eddie could only watch. 

“Hi,” Buck said and he had Christopher up in his arms. Legolas walked alongside him. Christopher was speaking too, explaining something or other to Buck, but Eddie couldn’t be bothered to pay him any attention because Buck was right there looking at Eddie with those sea-like eyes. 

“Hi,” Eddie said back after a long beat. “You should come inside.”

Buck nodded. 

Eddie wanted to touch him. He wanted to grasp his hand or his elbow or his shoulder. He wanted to get close enough so that he could smell Buck’s aftershave. He wanted to pull him into his arms and hold onto him tightly. All of those things, he wanted them so that he could be sure that it really was Buck in front of him and he wasn’t experiencing some wild hallucination.

The elusive man that he’d been trying to get ahold of for the last few weeks with no results was there with him and his son and his dog. Eddie had been almost convinced that Buck was avoiding him for all that his attempts to find him were futile. Eddie had even gone as far as to get Maddie’s number off of Chim only for Maddie to tell him to call Buck or show up at Buck’s apartment. Eddie had attempted both a few times on top of texting him and somehow just couldn’t get a response. 

Eddie led Buck inside the house through the front door. Buck only set Christopher down once they were inside and Legolas seemed to want to stick as close to Buck as possible. Eddie didn’t blame him. 

“I was — I’m making sandwiches,” Eddie said. It felt awkward. “Do you—” Eddie cleared his throat. “—do you want to join us?” 

“Uh. Sure,” Buck said. 

Christopher led Buck to the table and Eddie left them to go into the kitchen where he tried not to freak out too much as he pulled out more bread for the third sandwich he was going to be making. He could hear Buck and Christopher talking. Christopher laughed and Buck chuckled a few times. Once, Legolas barked. 

Eddie could only take so long making the sandwiches before he had to take them out of the kitchen. There was a lot to talk about. Apologies to be made. Explanations. But Christopher was there and they couldn’t discuss any of that while Christopher was with them. But, Buck was there. Buck was with them. It was enough to know that Buck had come to them. 

—

Buck had intended to take his time walking up to Eddie’s house, to talk himself into knocking on the door and to maybe not get in his head so much that he couldn’t actually knock. But then, he heard a bark and suddenly golden fur was running at him and Legolas was jumping at him until Buck just dropped to the ground to pet his favorite dog. 

“I’ve missed you so much, boy,” Buck whispered into his fur. “Did you miss me too?” Legolas nudged him and pressed into his space, his whole body moving with all the excitement. 

He was so distracted by Legolas, that Buck didn’t even realize Eddie had come out to find the dog until Christopher was calling his name. 

The next thing he knew, he was hugging Christopher and in a strange sort of daze, he followed Eddie into the house and Eddie disappeared into the kitchen and Buck didn’t know if he could stomach anything Eddie brought out. Christopher was a good distraction. The boy filled him in on a few things. He told Buck about a new coloring book and about Legolas being his dog and about a cartoon he was watching and Buck lost himself to talking to Christopher for a while until Eddie came back. 

Tension hung in the air between them and Buck had expected nothing less. Eddie had welcomed him in, though, and he hadn’t asked Buck to leave. It made Buck think that he’d made the right decision in going to see him. 

He tried to eat, but couldn’t stomach it. His stomach had been taken up by his nerves and maybe in part by the hope he felt and the awe of having Eddie in front of him again. Eddie looked good. He always looked good. 

After he finished eating, Christopher allowed himself to be distracted and settled in front of the tv, Legolas sitting next to him. Eddie motioned for Buck to go to the kitchen. 

“I’m officially a firefighter,” Buck said for lack of something else to say. 

“Oh,” Eddie said. “Congrats. I had no idea.” 

Buck nodded. “I, um, I probably would have never thought of going for it without everything that happened.”

“You’re welcome, I guess,” Eddie said with a snap in his tone. 

“I’m sorry,” Buck said. “I hope you believe me this time. That I never meant to hurt you. Any of you. I came so close to telling you so many times. Something always stopped me — interruptions or my own head. And I should have let it go on for so long or at all, but I’m going to be honest here, Eddie, and just say that I don’t actually regret it. I don’t regret the lie or getting to know you — everyone. I don’t regret any of that. I couldn’t.” 

“You don’t regret it,” Eddie said in a whisper. 

Eddie crossed his arms and he leaned back against his counter and Buck had no idea what to expect, but the one thing he did know to do was to wait and see what Eddie might say. It helped that Eddie didn’t look angry. Mostly, he just looked like he was trying to figure out what to say. 

“At first I thought...I wished you’d never done it,” Eddie said after a beat. “More and more lately, I’ve realized I don’t wish that. I was...I am angry more at myself for not questioning you more and for not realizing sooner that you couldn’t have been with Andrew. I was doubting my own knowledge of my brother...I was doubting everything I was seeing and I think I let so much just go because I wanted you around even if you were my brother’s boyfriend.”

Buck had definitely not expected that. Eddie was frowning in that cute way with lines on his forehead so prominent that Buck wanted to reach over and ease the tension. Really, he could do with touching Eddie in any way or form. He really did love him. Earlier, when he answered Andrew, Buck hadn’t fully known it. But he did. Having Eddie in front of him, it cemented it. 

“You came really close to the truth,” Buck said. “A few times. The day Andrew woke up, I was gonna tell you. I was so ready to and then Chim was telling us he was awake and I was so sure that it was all over anyway.” 

Eddie gasped and he blushed, not quite looking at Buck. “I was so mad that day. Jealous. I was going to kiss you before Chim interrupted.”

“Oh,” Buck said.

Eddie’s eyes met his then and Buck had to swallow before he made the decision to be brave. Buck had been different once, the kind of person that was bold and didn’t hesitate to encroach in someone’s space. That was before Abby and before he realized that all the loneliness he was feeling wouldn’t go away if he had someone warming his bed. In some ways, that had made it worse. 

“Uh, you should — you should kiss me now,” Buck said, moving even closer. 

Eddie’s eyes widened and darkened all at once and Buck lost himself in them as Eddie closed the small bit of space between them. Buck watched him and when Eddie didn’t do anything other than to stand so close to him that he could feel his warmth, Buck reached up to cup his face. Eddie melted into his touch, his lips let out a gasp. Buck closed his eyes and he leaned into Eddie’s space. 

“I love you,” he whispered before he kissed him. 

Their first kiss had been hard and urgent and Eddie had been in control, his anger and his jealousy and everything else he’d been feeling because of Buck’s lies had been everpressent in the way that he’d wanted to show Buck how much he wanted him. This kiss was not that. 

This kiss was tentative and soft and slow. It was an apology and a declaration of love. When Eddie whispered a moan, Buck smiled against his lips. 

“I love you,” Buck said again, their lips brushing lightly as he spoke. He opened his eyes and Eddie was already looking at him. “Eddie?” 

Eddie pressed their lips together into another kiss. His arms brought Buck flush against him and Buck couldn’t think while he could feel all of Eddie against him, his muscles and his toned stomach and how Eddie kissed away from his mouth, nipping at his jawline up to his ear. 

“I love you too,” he whispered, his lips brushing Buck’s earlobe. “Even if you are a liar.”

“One lie,” Buck said back. “And one I won’t ever regret.”

Eddie chuckled. “Just as long as you don’t pretend to be anyone else’s boyfriend.”

“Am I yours?” Buck asked, a tinge of nervousness travelled through him. 

“I think that’s obvious,” Eddie said. “Otherwise, I don’t know what will happen the next time you save someone, Firefighter Buckley.” 

Buck couldn’t help but laugh. “I love you so much, Eddie. Been kinda miserable without you.” 

“Serves you right,” Eddie said, but he kissed Buck again, just a peck. “But I love you too.”

“Good,” Buck whispered back, dropping his head onto Eddie’s shoulder and dropping a kiss there. 

There were probably still a few things to clear up and more to catch up on, but all of that could come later. It made up the mere details in everything they’d been through. In the meanwhile, Buck just held onto Eddie and Eddie held onto him. 

“You know, we do have to thank Andrew for all of this,” Buck whispered. 

“Nope,” Eddie said. “He doesn’t get any satisfaction out of any of this.” 

—

“Welcome to the 118, Firefighter Buckley,” Bobby said, smiling at Buck. 

Eddie didn’t try to hide his own smile, Andrew noted and Buck was definitely grinning from ear to ear. He was already in uniform and there was an ease to the way that he walked and how Andrew could tell even from where he was standing that Buck felt like he was at home. Hen nudged him from where she stood next to him and Andrew glanced at her. 

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad this all worked out,” she said, “but I don’t even get when that all happened with Buck and Eddie.” 

Andrew chuckled. “You know, I think most of it happened while I was sleeping.” 

–

Notes: This fic has been such a joy to write. I just want to thank everyone that’s read this and that has left commens/kudos because that means so much and one of the reasons this fic got finished by keeping me writing even when I began to lose interest in working on this. 

I hope this ending was satisfying for all of you and just thank you all so much. Let me know what you all thought. :)

Tagging: @tranquility-or-chaos @diazbuckleysworld @stilesgivesmefeels

[ouranor]

I saw your latest hanyo no yashahime post because I followed the tag and I have to say as a victim of grooming myself, I would rather be aggressive towards the adult Sessrin shippers,I do think some of them have pedophillic tendency’s, I know you hate that word being thrown around but how else would you describe people enjoying seeing sexualized fanart/actual porn of child Rin and sesshomaru. And a ship is just a ship yes but when large amounts of people try to normalize grooming I draw the line

Dear Nonny

First of all: I’m so sorry that you had to go through such a horrible experience and thank you for sharing this so openly. I’ll do my best to explain my point of view about the current chaos and how to navigate it as best as I can. In order for me not to repeat myself too often, I‘ll assume that people reading this will also have read my previous post that prompted Nonny to message me.

About the ship itself:

As far as the ending of the manga goes, Rin and Sesshoumaru are blank slates, leaving lots of room for interpretation. What is true for both characters is that neither of them have any romance set up, because neither Rin nor Sesshoumaru are anywhere near ready for any kind of romantic relationship (no matter with who) at that point in time. Rin because she’s a child and Sesshoumaru because he’s an emotionally stunted and immature mess of a man (which is why I find the sequel‘s premise incredibly unbelievable. There‘s no way Sesshoumaru was ready to have half-demon children and this is a flat-out character assassination for Sesshoumaru but I DIGRESS). In the manga, not a single trace of romance can be found, and thus not a single trace of grooming. Giving a growing child a new kimono is not grooming, it‘s common sense.

Now, most people that oppose SessRin do immediately jump to pedophilia and grooming for multiple reasons and, while I don’t ship SessRin, reducing the ship to assumptions like these is not an okay thing to do. I firmly stand by this statement and I’ll do my best to explain why.

Now, because this will be important to understand the thoughts I‘m conveying, please remember these key points:

1) Explaining does NOT equal excusing. I will never make excuses for people that romanticize children in romantic relationships. All I‘m doing is do my best to cut through the very emotionally charged and hardened fronts in this ship-war.

2) We NEED to separate the ship from its shippers. SessRin is an extremely difficult ship to write that needs to be treated with much more care and awareness than most other hetero-ships, but because people abuse Rin as their Mary-Sue and don‘t give the characters actual care and love, you end up with terrible fanfiction that depicts SessRin as „a given / destined / Rin‘s the closest vagina in the near vicinity“. And yet: Sesshoumaru grooming Rin is not the ONLY possible continuation of this ship. I‘ll get back to this in a bit.

3) Grooming is a choice, pedophilia is a mental disorder. While the two overlap at times, they are NOT the same. I’ll broach this issue near the end of this post.

Now, to get the worst out of the way, I’ll agree to this: The interpretation coming from the loudest and most aggressive shippers (Celestia on Twitter is an excellent example) is highly problematic and, as mentioned, shows a lack of comprehension regarding subtility and a lack of emotional intelligence. They‘re very black and white and they romanticize the characters as they were left in the manga, saying (among other things) how Rin is Sesshoumaru’s soulmate and understands him like no other, in spite of being a child, and THAT raises all kinds of alarm bells. Because this is exactly the rhetoric used by predators towards impressionable children. People claiming that this isn’t the case are being willfully ignorant and I usually don’t tolerate such people and use the block button generously.

But this is the WORST manifestation of this ship. Notice how I say the worst, not the ONLY.

Unfortunately, this worst interpretation usually comes from the laziest and most aggressive shippers that simply lack the creativity to imagine anything else. I’ve read many a SessRin fanfiction that built this relationship up in a believable way, taking its time and addressing the potential pitfalls, unfortunately this type of dedication or writing talent is not easily found in a fandom as vast and trope-y as Inuyasha. But I‘ve also read a ton of fanfiction where SessRin is a „logical conclusion“ because the author is actually writing an InuKag fic and has no idea what else to do with Sesshoumaru and Rin, hence: Another pairing to make babies with, yaaaay. SessRin happens by proxy, which is a huge NO-NO. This echoes one of my mantras: In order for Sesshoumaru to even get into a romantic relationship (NO MATTER WITH WHO), there is an entire story and development that needs to be told first. The same goes for Rin because again, by the end of the manga, she‘s not much of a character at all. “Why do you even read SessRin if you don’t ship it??” I hear you ask (not you, Nonny, I mean this and the following in a general sense). Because I keep saying that every ship has its merit and I’m interested in the stories that can be told. I keep saying that all ships are legitimate and I don’t want to miss out on any potentially amazing stories, especially because those were seriously hard to come by back in the day (anyone remember the 2000’s? Anyone?). I’ve read fanfiction from literally every Inuyasha ship under the sun. So if I see the tell-tales of a bad SessRin fic, I leave the author and their world behind and move on to something else. I’ll use this short interlude to say this: It has become such a horrible trend in fandom to put the sole responsibility of one’s fanfiction-experience on the author instead of taking responsibility for the content one might consume. There’s an incredible lack of self-sufficiency, a lack of ability to just move away when people read something they don’t want to read without taking personal offense. Now, I’m not saying that you have to be like me, but at least take responsibility for your own experience. ANYWAY, back to the topic at hand.

So again: In order for Rin or Sesshoumaru to get together romantically at any point in the future, a LOT needs to happen first. A lot of development, a lot of questioning, a LOT of build-up, because this relationship needs a heck of a lot more explanation than most other hetero-ships out there, but most fanfic writers and shippers are too lazy to set this up properly, leading to problematic romanticization, sugarcoating and hand-waving away of serious subjects that need to be addressed. Most of these types of SessRin shippers I see are found on Twitter and Tumblr (many are Spanish, too, wth is up with that), as mentioned, and they are are extremely questionable, seeing no issue at all with this ship, and here’s my opinion on why that is: Given from what I’ve seen, these types of shippers equal Rin with themselves. If you read how they justify this ship, it has nothing to do with her being a child, and everything to do with the blank slate that she is (like Bella Swan in Twilight). Rin has endless potential and it’s much easier to project ones own fantasy on a character that has yet to BECOME an actual character you can write a love story WITH. Of course, shippers don‘t realize this, because projection is usually done on an unconscious level. But to someone who’s been observing in this fandom and lurking for years, this seems incredibly obvious. Neither Rin nor Sesshoumaru have any agency, because they’re fictional, and that’s why SessRin is such a ticking bomb, always has been. They can be turned into whatever you want.

Now, that’s of course what fandom is for: Fulfillment of fantasies and works depicting any dynamic from fluffy to dark. But here’s the second main problem: Because SessRin is usually depicted as your typical, trope-riddled “male is alpha, woman is beta at best” romance, it falls right into heteronormative standards. Heterosexual relationships are TEEMING with extremely lazy writing (and normalized abuse, but that’s a subject for another time) and for some reason, I’ve observed how hetero ships have this insane entitlement to “purity”. What I mean by that is that hetero-ships are much more likely to attract fans that need their ship to be canon, otherwise they can’t function. This is EXACTLY what happens with SessRin. If you just had SessRin shippers doing their thing, I don’t think we’d be in this situation. But because of the sequel and its excellent marketing strategy, SessRin shippers are full of hope and, worst of all, grasping at straws and lording their ship’s superiority over everyone else with renewed fervor. If Takahashi/Sunrise weren’t such absolute cunts (pardon the language), we’d not be in this situation. Because SessRin is now a “possibility” in the sequel, people suddenly see the fulfillment of their own personal fantasies within reach. Let me repeat: This is about the fulfillment of their OWN PERSONAL fantasy and has nothing to do with Rin. She just happens to be the female character that’s closest to Sesshoumaru. The fact that she’s a child does not factor in this particular scenario, even though it SHOULD.

So again: The ship is fine on its own, because it’s literally a blank slate that you can go in ANY direction with. It’s the people that desperately grasp for canon and have decided that SessRin is a foregone conclusion WITHOUT any build-up or explanation that are the true problem. They look to the sequel and their own interpretations to justify their lazy and problematic interpretation of the ship. They make the ship into the potential grooming/pedophilia shitstorm that many “antis” are caught up in, but that’s not the ships fault.

Speaking of which, let’s talk about the grooming and possible pedophilia.

I’d ask people, after reading all of the above, to remember this: If there is any grooming at all, it has yet to happen, because NOTHING has happened between Sesshoumaru and Rin after the manga. Hell, they didn‘t even speak to each other in the charity chapter. They are still the same blank slates now that they were back then. Whether or not grooming happens is in the hands of any creator that decides to take their dynamic further.

As for pedophilic tendencies: I will not deny that there are traces of that in SessRin shipping (some prominent people also ship Zabuza/Haku from Naruto which is telling), but I swear to you that 99% of SessRin fanfictions I’ve read do NOT depict Sesshoumaru with a child Rin (except for 1-2 dark fics that portrayed the dangers of a relationship with such a power imbalance, which are extremely important works as well imo). Same goes for the art. This again because Rin is not treated as a proper character, but as a vessel for wish fulfillment.

I have said many negative things about the shippers that are triggering the entire fandom at the moment, but people that oppose this ship need to be honest with themselves and acknowledge that them jumping to the conclusion of “SessRin ALWAYS equals grooming and pedophilia” also lack creativity and the ability to differentiate between different paths and outcomes. Accusing others of pedophilia is inappropriate and uncalled for, not matter how upset you are. I too have had to learn and accept that pedophilia is a mental disorder and needs a proper diagnosis and treatment. What happens because of a mental disorder should never be excused, no matter if it’s depression, bi-polar disorder or pedophilia, but what we can hopefully all agree on is that mental disorders are not something you choose.

So the only thing I can say to you, Nonny, is this: If you see something that looks like pedophilia or grooming to you, absolutely do report it. As someone once told me: The block button is a form of self-care. Use it! I have done the same over the last couple of days and it’s cathartic. If something triggers you, avoid it and find someone/somewhere to vent to if necessary. Your feelings are extremely valid, your aggression towards others (if you have shown any, that is) is not. Your experiences were horrific without any shadow of the doubt, but the way this possibly influences how you react to and treat others is absolutely something that is YOUR responsibility.

What I would, again, ask all of the people aggressively opposing SessRin is that you reconsider your stance on pedophilia. Its potential consequences are inexcusable, but accusing other people of being pedophiles because you’re jumping to conclusions is in extremely bad taste and leaves you not only on the same intellectual level as the shipper you’re accusing, but possibly even lower than that because you’re cherry-picking which potential mental disorder you’re discriminating against. It’s a free world, of course, but I’m sure we’re all trying very hard not to be hypocrites.

I wanted to TL;DR this entire post, but there’s honestly no way to do that without skipping over important parts. So thank you if you’ve made it to the end of this massive ramble. I understand that this is a very delicate subject and I am open to any and all people that would like to discuss this further. Special thanks go to Nonny for giving me the opportunity to talk about this more. I hope I answered your question, even if it might not have been what you wished to hear. Have a wonderful day and please take good care of yourself!

[writingforyourpleasure]

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Characters: GERARD WAY x Reader 

 Link to chapter four :   https://writingforyourpleasure.tumblr.com/post/616411340391759872/on-the-road-again

Warnings : None 

 Author’s note: Hello ! Hope you’re all doing okay during those strange times ? Sorry for not posting but I had my en-of-the-year exam, but it’s now done and , I only got a few homework to hand-over now and my second year in college’ll be done !Here you go thank you to keep reading .

5.      “ Pun-master “

  You woke up, feeling something or someone moving in front of you . You started to groan at the uncomfortable feeling not wanting to get up just yet.

“And what owe me the pleasure to be assisted by your presence tonight sir Way?” You said while looking for plates.

The mass finally moved away , listening to your complains .

You woke up what felt just five minutes later but probably was in reality hours after it. Your eyes fluttered slowly as if they were disconnected from your brain. A light shine from the outside was peeking through your tinted window as soon as you truly started to wake up , you realized that Gerard wasn’t here anymore.

“Right…” You breathed out to yourself. Honestly you didn’t want to wake up. You were scared , scared of overthinking this , and because of that you actually was overthinking it . Your brain wasn’t playing on your favor . You didn’t knew how you were gonna survive today. The worst was, you didn’t knew how to act with Gerard , what happened yesterday night wasn’t that big of a deal, really , but again ; you were overthinking it . You just wanted to act normal with him , and was prying your brain to not let you down once you’ll see him. You felt so stupid for having a crush on one of your coworker and friends. You got up and hoped for the best.

You got out of your nest , only to find that you were alone in the bus and that you already had arrived into the next parking’s venue . You went directly to the kitchenette and groaned realized that you guys were short on coffee. You finally resigned yourself and went for the shower.

You got out of the bus a dozen of minutes later to find the parking lot empty except for the security that was already keeping everything on check. You checked your phone to see that it was 3pm . You had enough time, to get yourself a coffee somewhere and not stressing about when to comeback since you didn’t had to repeat with Dex or anything. You put back in your , old black Green Day’s hoodie, pocket your phone . You’ve dressed yourself as unfashionable as it is socially allowed , your laziness was clearly reflecting itself through most of your actions today. You put your headphones on , listening to the last Fever 333’s album and searched on google maps for the nearest Starbucks, once again a reflect of your laziness you figured.

You arrived to the welcoming smell of dirty beans being ground and hot milk.

Once you got your order you looked around for a seat since the place was pretty full, luckily you got one in front of the glass and on both sides what appeared to be two couples . Great. You hope that you’ll be lucky and won’t have to witness the same amount of smooshing in both of them. The teenage one , on your right , were the ones all over each other, with the boy groping at every part accessible of his what-you-presumed-to-be his girlfriend. The one on your left were two men in suits holding each other hands while talking , you sat facing the widow and the other empty seat. You got out of your backpack your sketch book and a pencil starting to draw people passing by while music took you in other world. A tap on your shoulder took you of guard , you got off your headphones .

“Yes ?” you turned around your head to see who was trying to get your attention.

“Hey, is this seat taken ?” Dex was smiling down at you with a big smile.

You said nothing instead kicking the seat in front of you, back to the glass for them to seat.

“I feel like it’s been a while since we talked .” Dex said sitting and looking expectantly at you.

“What are you talking ‘bout we talked just yesterday.” You said not looking up from your sketch book.

“Don’t play dumb y/n , you know what I mean. Like just the two of us ?” Dex sighed , seeing that you decided to not play cooperative . This time you did look up to your friend with a blank expression . Watching their eyebrows furrowed in confusion. It’s true , lately you tried to somewhat distance yourself since you were trying to figure out what the hell was happening with Gerard and you knew that being close to Dex would not help one second . Your friend knew how to read you even when you tried to hide something as well as you could. You had thinked that if Dex was about to ask questions it would make it weird since you were all working together . If you fucked up at any moments , you’ll have nowhere to hide and sometimes it can be a great deal of pain . But apparently you didn’t succeed not to make it awkward since your friend was not so happy that you act a little colder than usual . You were already fucking cold to any strangers , so to be cold to them was shitty. You sighed and run a hand through your now greasy hair . You needed to take a shower quickly , maybe it could wait after the show .

“Hey earth to y/n, hellooo?”

“Huh yeah sorry I was gone for a few…”

“Yeah no shit .”

“Sorry… like for all of it it’s true I’ve been kinda avoiding you guys.”

“Meh it happens , I mean it’s okay we all got our own problems.”

Dex tried to stay warm inside of the Starbucks but you could sense that being against a cold ass window wasn’t helped them to get the warmth that provided the Starbucks.

“I’m so cold….” They whispered as they took a gulp from their drink.

“Well….then stand in a corner .” You replied taking a large gulp of your hot drink too.

“What-Why ?”

“Think..”

“No….. please tell me it’s not because of what I think dude.”

“Coz’ corners are 90 degrees.” You said with a smug smile.

“Ho god …. Ok you know what maybe it’s for the best to be socially distant haha. It is so bad please do not do that again?”

“You’re asking way to much to the pun master .”

“More like the master of fucking nothing y’mean .”

“What did you said peasant , I think I didn’t quite hear that ?”

“Ho nothing .” said your friend smiling like a fool.

“Y/N I’m still fucking cold !” Said your friend trying to warm themselves up by rubbing strongly their arms.

“And how is that my problem , my dear?”

“Someday I really am going to kill you , y’know?” Told Dex between their teeth, with a little grunt along the way.  

“Y/N , Can I borrow your scarf? I’m seriously freezing. ”

“Well I can’t turn into a heater for you now can I? So do you want me to set you on fire? Because, I mean it’s still an option? Like I have my lighter right here so….?” You joked while giving them your scarf.

They gave you a warning glance as if they believed you . Then on a very exasperate note they sighed and said :

“Why are you like this?”              

You both laughed at that getting some curious looks from other clients. Once both of calmed down you try to get serious talking about the elephant in the room .

“Hey , can I ask your advice on something?”

“Absolutely , but I only advise communication, homosexuality, or murder.” Answered your friend earning a smug know-it-all smile out of you.

You were about to start to get off of your chest the whole “Hey I think I may or may not like the lead singer of the band for which we’re working for.” They cut you off.

“WAIT!”

“Yeah ?”

“Are you absolutely positive this isn’t dangerous or something?” They looked very serious about this , which had the reflex to make you roll your eyes deep inside your skull.

“I’m 95% sure, but yeah, I’ve failed fourth grade math so…” You decided to answer her stupid question with a stupid answer.

“Ho okay then we’re good I failed second grade! So just before we start , how long will this take ? I got to pick up my dog at the salon. «You both laughed at that. «No but like seriously we’ll have to go back to the bus eventually . Maybe tell me along the way back?”

“Alright , alright” You both got up from your seats and finally got out of the Starbucks.

“So huh, you remember when we got the 1 week break , alright?”

“Right. “

“Well huh, me and Gerard started talking by text pretty often during this time.”

“Ho. Did you now ?” They said waving their eyebrows in a suggestive way.

“No not like that calm down, you demon fuck .”

“Always a pleasure to fill my responsibilities.”

“You weirdo….” You whispered under your breath.

“Ho do not act if you aren’t even weirder man ! “

“Anyway, I just , I don’t know . I think, I think I may like him y’know?”

“Well it’s pretty comprehensible , I mean he’s hot .”

“I’m not talking about this you twat!”

“Ho c’mon you can’t say he isn’t !”

“Haha ,He is , I ‘ve sight too I’d let you know. It’s just not the point here .”

“You do? Sorry it’s hard to tell when you dress yourself like that .

“You bitch!” You choked on your drink , coughing violently.

“I’m just kind of dreading to really assuming the whole ‘hey by the way I’m hitting on you’ I don’t want to make it weird during the tour , when we’re not even at the half of it. And I don’t wish for everyone to see that I am hitting on him. I’m not ready.” You explained to Dex , not really wanting to expose everything you and Gerard said or do , foremost because there’s not that much to say

“Maybe not hitting on him is a good call since if you do I’m pretty sure he’s gonna freak out hearing your lame puns.”

“May I recall to you that I’m the pun-master AND the master of pickup lines ?”

“You completely suck at pickup lines, bro.”

“No I don’t !”

“The last time you tried one of you’re pickup lines was on this poor cute girl in Louisiana when you said ‘Are you Google –“

“CUZ YOU’RE EVERYTHING I’M SEARCHING FOR !!!”

“Yeah no wonder it didn’t worked !”

“I’m a genius , you’ll miss me when I’m gone.”

“You wish . So why are you’re feeling attracted to the guy ?”

“Well you see my kink is when people actually care about my feelings and what I have to say. And Since I know him he seems to correspond to this criteria , so I find it pretty attractive and hot since it’s my main kink.”

“Yeah , too unrealistic. Settle for bondage like the rest of us.”

“Where you ever nice Dex ?”

“2012, worst year of my life.” You laughed at what your friend said . “No but more seriously y/n, just let it happen y’know? And when you have the feeling that both of you are having a moment then maybe hit on him but stay subtle y’know?”

“I just want him to take me out…”

“Like, on a date or with a sniper ?”

“He’ll have to surprise me .” You both laughed before changing the subject to the little surprise you’ve both had planned for Max, since he was spending all of his nights and days working on your band , you wanted to do something nice for him. You bought a cookbook a few weeks ago for him as a present for the occasion, he often baked pastries as a distressful way to exhale from work time. Even though the bus condition made it hard to cook anything big it already was a good start. And you bought some bottle of Irish hard cider, since he had said it was the best thing he ever tasted when you all took a vacation to Dex family house there. After getting back to the bus everything went pretty fast , but the talk with Dex about Gerard was still playing in your mind. Ames saw that you were lost in your thoughts most of the time and ask you several times if everything was okay, you tried to act like you didn’t knew what he was talking about and you all moved on with your day . Mikey, Frank , Gerard and Ray were already in your bus when you had come back from your coffee session, and they yelled at you for not texting them and taking them with you. You brushed it off saying that next time you would. Gerard had tried to share looks with you during the day but you were too much caught up into your head to notice.

The show this night was nice and almost too short even if you guys took a ten minutes on My chemical romance planning since you played a special song. Once you were backstage Ames and Billy started their routines taking everything off stage to let place for the boys. To go faster Max offered to help them. It gave you and Dex a chance to run to the bus to prepare your little plan. You took any cushions , pillow and anything fluffy you could find , when you were done the bunks were quite a mess but you didn’t want to think of it since you still had to prepare the hard cider and the cake you brought from the Mark & Spencer’s not having too much time to find anything else. By the time everything was served , you knew that My chem was done with their show too , so you decided to prepare them a part too , you made a point to serve a apple juice instead of the cider for Gerard , not wanting him to feel excluded or anything. Max had been held backstage by Billy and Ames who were your dearest allies as ever.

You installed yourself with every plates and drinks giggling between the two of you alone in the bus to stupid jokes.

A knock made itself hear through the bus and Billy appeared into the kitchenette area before being followed by Ames and Max , who where looking at you with huge smiles spread across their face and a snort from the three of them.

“What the fuck did you do with our beds ?” Asked Max between a laugh.

“Well we did a pillow fort !” Answered Dex.

“Isn’t that a little childish ? “

“Does it means you don’t want to join us ?” You asked Max.

A silence swept through the bus.

“…Move over .” Said Max entering your huge pillow fort and already going for the cake and drink.

“Wait there’s a party and you guys didn’t told us about?! “Said Frank entering your bus.

You handed a plate in his direction , earning a smile from him before he arrived by your side as well as everyone else too.

Frank was on your right while Gerard was on your right and all of you were in a cercle eating and joking about stupid stuff.

“Hey you look better than this morning it’s good to see.” Whispered at your side Gerard offering a sweet smile before readjusting a few locks behind his ear.

“Well It’s because in the end we migrate towards comfort , and I realized that I am most comfortable around you , all of you.” You said returning a bright smile to the man.The night went along before Frank spoke up .

“Guys how are you gonna clean this mess to sleep tonight ?” Painful groans made themselves heard from all of you.

[moogiwarah]

🐓

Hi! I want to have comprehensive list of the BL manga/manhwa etc. that I’ve read because I want to spread the love for this genre 💜.  This post is a list of works that I’ve read which is not in this page yet + my comments on each work. I hope some people will find something that they like here ^__^

🐣 All BL recs from me 

manhwa  🐓

💜 Never Understand

Yuri, one of the school's most handsome guys,and Jaerim, one of the school's ugliest, collide!...or don't they? Can't understand what's going on between these two! It's Out of Control! 

shounen-ai, completed, 87 chapters

THE STORY IS SOOOO GOOD. The art also improved by a lot upon reaching the later chapters. Jae-rim is dubbed as “ugly” (he’s a whole cutie tho) and I’m glad to see a non conventional character design for an MC! I highly recommend reading this!!  👌💯

Incorrigible 

A sequel to “Never Understand” which is focused on Cho Ayeon’s story after being free from Soyeon’s control.

yaoi, completed, 8 chapters

This has few chapters so maybe that explains the fast pacing. Nonetheless, it was a nice read, I have a really soft spot for Jae-rim so seeing his r-18 experiences with Yuri really got me ahkdjashdkajshd ;W;

💜 Dirty Vibrations

Best friends Yeong and Nohae thought it was a joke when they downloaded the infamous “cursed” app. It’s said to command the user to perform…sexual acts and punishes those who disobey or delete it. It started with making them kiss. When they disobeyed its order…the punishment was anything but a joke. 

yaoi, ongoing

This one is from Fujoking (author of Youjin)! In all honesty, I love this for its sex scenes. They are so well made, the art, the dialogue, the expressions, and just *chef’s kiss* 👌. When it comes to expressing sexual scenes in BL, my top authors would have to be Fujoking for manhwa and Zaria for manga.

💜 Paid

Executive director Heejae is nicknamed "Chaebol Prince" by the public. But his life is turned upside down when documents linking him to an embezzlement scheme are unexpectedly found by an accounting collegian Taekyung! So he pretends to have a crush on him, but.. Taekyung wants more than just flirting! 

yaoi, ongoing

This is another one from Fujoking! This has a heavier plot as compared to Dirty Vibrations, so you get amazing smut AND an engaging story! 

💜 On or Off

Yiyoung is building a startup with his college friends. They get a chance to present their proposal to SJ Corporation, one of the leading companies in the country. But in the meeting room he sees Kang Daehyung, the extremely handsome company big shot that's so very much his type, and Yiyoung's heart starts to race...! Can pretty-faced Yiyoung win both in love and his career? 

yaoi, ongoing

Okay this! It’s really funny and the pacing is nice and the characters are nice and the art is nice and the perfect mix of romance comedy and slice of life i just HUHDADKAJDHJK it’s rly a feel good read and both MCs are SO ATTRACTIVE.

Penthouse XXX

Siyeon, a contract killer, has declared a boycott on men after being screwed over by his ex. That is, until he moves into a penthouse owned by Taekyung, a rich heir with killer looks.

yaoi, completed, 49 chapters

It has meme worthy illustrations xD. The graphics are nice but I found Taekyung (one of the MCs) to be a little toxic. Also, some parts of the story were not wrapped up/discussed enough imo. But overall, it was a pleasant read.

Home Sweet Home

The last thing Jungyeon expected was for his mom to ask if she could remarry. The new man was kind, considerate, a perfect match for his mother but there’s a catch: he has a younger son. Sunwoo is an introvert. He’s shy and has trouble opening up to others, until he meets Jungyeon and finds himself opening up for the first time. As their parents get closer to marrying, they become close, too close, and that’s when Sunwoo learns Jungyeon is already seeing another man.

yaoi, completed, 57 chapters

I honestly don’t know why this has quite a low rating on mangago because I found it to be a good read! It’s like sitting through a romance-drama movie. I liked the ending and the relationship between the main couple.

K’s Secret

Employee Kim Doyoon has been working for 5 years. He has one secret that he can't tell anyone else - the fact that he's a half-vampire born between a human and a vampire.

yaoi, ongoing

The art is so good in the recent chapters ugh. Also the sex scenes are well made. The plot is a little unclear though, and I feel like the relationship of the two MCs are kinda forced and unnatural hahaskdhakjdh. Still reading it tho since it’s ongoing.

💜 I have a Boyfriend

Kang Hyeon Ho, who belongs in the university soccer team goes into a breadth class and encounters the person he went to middle school together with and was his first love, Han Gyeol. 

yaoi, completed, 44 chapters

THIS IS BASICALLY COLLEGE AU ROM COM ADDITIONAL TAG: FIRST LOVE AND IT’S AMAZING. Just a really well rounded story with the right amount of drama to bring out its slice of life  😭💘 Also, this is tagged as yaoi but the sex scenes were few and not that explicit.

💜 Voice of Love

After experiencing a traumatic incident involving a previous lover, Jiho is too afraid to tell his classmate Soohan that he likes him. Thankfully, Soohan can hear otherpeople's thoughts and asks him out first. But, as we all know, love isn't always that easy. Will Jiho and Soohan really get their happily ever after?

shounen-ai, completed, 37 chapters

Just a really cute story about mind reading and high school boys being in love. Ah, youth. This will make you feel good like ,,, awww young love :( <3

Base to Base

The elite Sung Moon High is fields one the country's top 5 high school baseball teams. Kim Soohyun was the ace pitcher of his middle school now started his first year at Moon high baseball team...since his beloved sunbae Choi Woojin(captain/catcher) is there....Kim Soohyun is an cutie puppy with stalker tendency exclusive for his beloved sunbae. 

shounen-ai, completed, 28 chapters

Sports manga/anime always had a little (or lots) of gay, well this one made it officially gay! A cute rom-com bUT I feel like the ending was rushed. I would have loved it if there was more, but nonetheless, a good read! :)

manga  🐓

💜 I Seriously Can’t Believe You  

"I don't think you've realized your true nature yet." That's what Kon tells Iida, the hottest guy at school, wondering how anyone could be so proper. As popular as he is, Iida doesn't seem interested in any of the girls who come after him. Kon and his buddies try to look into the matter by flipping a coin and having Kon approach him with his confession of love, just to see if he's really interested in guys. "I've... never looked at guys like that..." says Iida, falling for Kon's ruse. Kon takes him home, hoping to straighten out the misunderstanding, when Iida suddenly grabs him by the shoulder, and... A story about a mysterious hottie at school and a prince of a certain kind. 

yaoi, completed, 5 chapters

THIS IS FUNNY AND CUTE AND HOT AND SHORT BUT REALLY GOOD JUST READ IT YOU WONT REGRET IT!

💜 Yoru to Asa no Uta 

(Chapter 0) ; (Sequel)

Asaichi can't play any instruments, his voice is average, and he's only in the band for the girls and the sex. Plus, he's homophobic. For some reason, the new bassist is infatuated with him despite the treatment Asaichi gives him.

yaoi, completed, 1 + 8 + 8  = 16 chapters

It’s by Harada (author of ‘Yatamomo’ and ‘Color Recipe’) so expect dark themes. Trigger warning for rape. I suggest you skip the rape if you can’t handle it because this manga is so good. Its art and story (much like Harada’s other works) will really suck you in. This left a deep impression on me because the characters felt so alive. I respect Harada so much for that ability.

💜 Eigyou Nika!

Sakisaka, stationed in the second Sales Division, has an unrequited love for Toujou, his directing senpai. He had no intention of confessing his feelings. However, Toujou has been awfully touchy-feely lately… Is there a glimmer of hope? Please don’t let it be a misunderstanding! Which path will these vexing feelings flow down to?

yaoi, completed, 10 chapters

I had fun reading this because it’s so fluffy!! aaaAAAA I love friends to lovers and cuddling and the sweetness that comes from a relationship that is a more than friendship but less than lovers. A lighthearted read <3

💜 Mou Ichido, Nando Demo

On his way home from picking up a rings for himself and his lover, Fuji Takahiro is hit by a car. His resulting amnesia degrades his live-in lover Kotou Tarou to a mere flatmate, and a series of misunderstandings threatens to tear the couple apart. Tossed around by desperation and confusion, can Tarou and Takahiro rebuild their once blissful relationship? 

yaoi, completed, 11 chapters

This is like watching a really good mature drama. The characters feel real and the situations presented in the manga were also something one can easily imagine themselves being put into. A short and good read.

💜Ookami-kun wa Kowakunai

The world is filled with animals that can evolve into beastmen. There is a young and earnest wolf who was always mistaken for a showy person because of his flashy looks. The easily mistaken wolf has fallen for an attractive looking rabbit named Usami, who is cautious of carnivores.

yaoi, completed, 6 chapters

I mEAN,,, LOOK AT THEM!!! This is wholesome and very fluffy huhuhuhu no more words needed. A short and cute read! <3

💜Ookami He No Yomeiri

Kaede is a rabbit person chosen to be the 'bride' of a distinguished wolf family. Although he does not wish to marry a wolf, his family pleads for him to go so that they can have enough supplies to last for the next two years. However, how will his new husband act towards a little bunny rabbit stuck in the wolf's den?

yaoi, completed, 8 chapters

The art is good and the story is cute :((( They’re so cute aaaa I’m a sucker for grumpy looking x ray of sunshine it’s just uGH the contrast never gets old.

💜 Encirclement Love

Ryou had a sleepover and saw his friends - Issei and Tadahiro - kissing while they thought he was asleep. He asks them about it and feels betrayed as a childhood friend when they pretend nothing happened. Determined to catch them red-handed, Ryou ends up inside a closet with Issei's little brother - Yuusei -, who has a unexpected reaction to the situation.

yaoi, completed, 6 chapters

It’s basically four high school boys being horny. All four of them are friends and I find their dynamics really funny. Also, they’re all hOT 🥵 I had lots of fun reading this!

Mother’s Spirit

University employee Ryouichirou is ordered by the Chairman to take in an exchange student. That exchange student, Qaltaqa, is a native from a developing country who can't understand Japanese!! Though he is a warrior of his tribe and a man of great beauty, seeing him afraid of the phone and the TV, and even the toilet, Ryouichirou gets fed up… But while being called "Ryouichirou" in such a clumsy manner, he has a change of heart!?

yaoi, completed, 13 chapters

This is funny and interesting! A short read to boost your mood and get your yaoi fix ;D

Dakaretai Otoko Ichii Ni Odosarete Imasu 

Saijou Takato's 5 year reign as the "Most Huggable No. 1" has been snatched. Stealing his thunder is the newbie actor with a 3-year debut, Azumaya! Towards the stuffy hostile Takato, Azumaya's sincere sparkling smile starts to become effective. Even as Takato sets his alert level on MAX, Azumaya catches Takato in his shameful drunken state and uses it to blackmail him! In exchange for Azumaya's silence, Azumaya states, "Please let me hold you"'?! "Embrace me, who was the Most Huggable No.1? What the heck is he saying!" 

yaoi, ongoing

I remember dropping this because MC was obviously raped, but upon watching the first episode of the anime adaptation, they made the sex consensual (thank God) and the story is not so bad after all. I suggest skipping the first chapter altogether and just start off at episode 1 in the anime, then you can pick it up in the manga to see the explicit scenes xD

That’s it for now! Will continue updating in this tumblr acc. as I continue on reading more BL ehe. Hmu on my twt if u wanna talk about BL and/or anime and manga in general hehe. Love lots~ 💜🐓