#i realize how much i’m living The Life every time someone brings up shit someone on twitter said

[basicallyjeankirschtein]

jjk men x streamer!reader

╰┈➤ Collab?

chapter two.

ೃ⁀➷ you and gojo get matched with toji, sukuna, and choso, much to the viewers surprise! ft. everyone thirsting for you + jealousy

* not proofread

masterlist. prev. next.

you tried to focus on the game in-front of you, but the fact that your usual 10-50k audience grew to 300k was freaking you out. just a bit.

not to mention your chat going crazy. usually, it was easy to catch every message and interact with everyone, but now? it was moving so fast, how did gojo put up with this stuff?!

thankfully, everyone was talking about the same thing. the thing being that you matched with toji and his friends.

just like toji, you lived under a fucking rock. yea, gojo was your best friend, but you’ve purposefully been avoiding him since he’s gotten famous. this kinda stuff isn’t your thing- you didn’t even mean to gain 50k without his help, it just sorta happened.

you were a student and you worked at the cutest little cat cafe, you didn’t have time to watch streamers. the only influencers you knew of were gojo and utahime, not because you watched their streams, but because they were your friends. maybe you were a loser.

you tried to act surprised, but honestly you were more surprised with how shit this iron fist was playing.

“chat, which one is the iron fist?” you asked, all of which responding ‘toji.’

unfortunately for you, living under a rock seemed to only bring misfortunes to your life. as the minute you knew his name, you spoke,

“can someone tell toji to swap. he fucking sucks.”

even gojo looked a bit shocked by your comment, but he immediately burst into laughter.

“y/n, you are so lucky you’re streaming with me.” was all he said, and now you were stuck furrowing your eyebrows together and pouting in confusion. even your chat was going crazy over your comment.

who even is toji? you wondered with a huff. when you died, you took the time during your characters respawn to quickly look him up.

oh no. he was hot.

he was also famous, you noticed, but you were more focused on the fact that you just disrespected an extremely hot man!

well, it’s not like you had a chance. you reassured yourself, and once you had finally calmed yourself down, reminding yourself he was just another random man, you realized he is in fact not random.

was this the guy gojo was always whining about? something about him stealing his viewers or something- oh god. you must’ve just woken a wild pack of fangirls, cause you were totally going to be ripped to shreds on twitter after this.

despite internally freaking out about how toji’s fanbase now viewed you, you kept a stoic face, emotions unreadable as you continued the game.

suckunathesenuts: gojo ur friend is funny asf

suckinathesenuts: y/n say something about toji again he doesn’t believe us when we say he’s trash but he will if a pretty girl does

chochoso: pls i can’t keep losing my rank games because of him ):

you couldn’t help but laugh at his teammates messages in chat. you knew your chat would snitch on you to toji, but at least his friends were backing you up. you think.

the comment ‘pretty girl’ had you head spinning, a small blush coating your cheeks. you were going to say thank you, but gojo cut you off.

“don’t respond to these losers,” he spoke, his voice gruff. he sounded uncharacteristically mad.

you just hummed in response, “it’s not a big deal, they’re just messing around. sorry toji,” you waved at your screen as if he was watching, hoping someone in your chat could relay your apology to toji.

toji didn’t believe his chat when they told him you had said he sucked, “yea, nobody thinks i suck. i’m the best iron fist in this server.” he grunted, in which sukuna burst into laughter and called him delusional.

even choso giggled a bit. now that pissed toji off.

“okay, sure. i don’t believe it.” toji grunted. but, the moment he opened twitter, his notification boxed was filled with people tagging him in the clip of you saying he sucks. man, things spread fast.

“yo, toji, play the fucking game.” sukuna yelled into his microphone, clearly upset toji went afk to look at his phone.

“i think it’s better with him afk. now there’s nobody for the other team to farm.” choso giggled, in which sukuna thought that was the funniest thing on planet earth because he legitimately slammed his fist against the desk with each laugh.

“it wasn’t that funny, dude.” toji growled, though his tone seemed uninterested. he was more focused on you in the clip.

not only did you say he sucked, not only did you not even know who he was, but you were hot??? this hurt his ego, a little (a lot).

damn. even his fan page called him out.

grunting as he ran a hand through his hair, he noticed sukuna and choso talking to you in game chat. what the hell? since when did they get all friendly.

and sukuna calling you a pretty girl might’ve made toji grit his teeth.

“everyone shut the fuck up. i’ll change.” he said, letting his character die so he can switch to another character. sukuna looked absolutely flabbergasted, toji was actually going to listen to advice for once?

toji wasn’t about to admit it, but he was totally trying to impress you.

you were surprised to see toji actually listened to your request. you felt kinda bad for making him swap, but he was way better on adam warlock than iron fist.

“wow, he’s going crazy now.” you laughed. it was true, but you were mostly saying that to butter him up. not only did you not want to have one sided beef with a huge streamer, but he was hot as hell! if you had a chance, you were going to take it.

gojo did not seem to agree, as he laughed at you rather than with you. “yea, right. he still sucks.”

you narrowed your eyes at the webcam, confused why gojo was acting so hostile. he was never outright mean. yea, he could be passive aggressive and sarcastic with those he didn’t like, but you’ve never seen him like this.

“says the one who has no team assists,” you laughed, trying to lighten the mood, but that only made gojo even grouchier.

gojo was also playing really bad, that wasn’t usual for him. he was naturally talented at every game he played, you never knew how!

it was like he was distracted with something, and when you looked down at your phone, you found out why.

he was too busy tweeting instead of playing the damn game!!!!

it crossed your oblivious mind that he tweeted that because he was jealous and upset about the attention you were receiving.

chochoso: y/n… i think we are the only ones left playing. all our teammates are afk ):

whoever this chochoso was, was right. everyone on your team except you and him went afk. even the random went afk!! it was remarkable you haven’t lost the point yet, choso was a crazy spiderman.

y/nissleepy: our friends suck!!! does this by default make us best friends now???

chochoso: yes!

you wondered if choso had a social media too, considering he was friends with toji.

you very discreetly opened your twitter to look at toji’s mutuals, and low and behold, there was choso.

how could someone be so cute yet so sexy at the same time.

you were usually shy about this sort of thing, but without hesitation you followed choso. he followed you back almost immediately.

you looked up at your video call to see what gojo was doing, he was completely immersed in his phone. it looked like he was texting someone- very harshly, by the way he was practically hitting his phone with each tap.

biting your lip, you decided to message choso. your stream just started, you didn’t want to awkwardly end it just because everyone’s gone afk.

playing with choso was fun. he was such a cutie, and after the first two games, he asked if you wanted to video call. you did not hesitate to say yes.

gojo hadn’t even noticed you left the call.

“hi!” you waved at your camera, the confidence you had when you initiated the conversation with choso drowning away in an instant when you saw him appear over the screen. he was even cuter than on his twitter, he had this messy hair held in ponytails! how adorable was that?! your mind started to drift when you wondered how easy it would be to tug on his hair, and that’s when you had to remind yourself it’s truly not that serious and this is a man you just met.

but god, did you have a soft spot for scary men that were actually cute.

you guys loaded into another game, making small talk as you played. both of your chats brought up the chemistry between you two, but both of you chose to ignore it (not without blushing first).

not only did your chat notice the chemistry, but so did your friends.

“since when did y/n leave the call?”

“since when did choso leave the call?”

both gojo and toji questioned this as they looked at their empty voice chats. sukuna realized it a while ago, when they were talking in game chat, and didn’t bother trying to stop choso.

toji on the other hand, looked angry. “what the hell. he left us to play with her! she wasn’t even relevant until today,” toji growled. sukuna raised his eyebrow, though didn’t reply.

gojo had been busy messaging geto. geto is BEYOND thirsty to stream with you, he’s not even trying to hide it to his stream or nanami.

gojo didn’t even know why he was so jealous. you may have been oblivious, but this guy was downright stupid. he had maybe one brain cell and three jellybeans in that head of his. he couldn’t even decipher the motive behind his jealousy was the attention you have been receiving, especially the attention of toji and geto.

and now, apparently choso.

this video is so funny i love you roblox shrimp games

tag list

@estella-novella @ourfinalisation @definetlynotanalien @fuckisthatahotghost @m-0ona @sillybillylamb @ayla-1605 @l-ilysm @randoperson22 @mentallyunpresent @poopooindamouf @1ennj4 @ex1acy @lunavelha @trsh-kitty @b3bybunny @onna-musha-mari

[lurochar]

First Rut, With You

A short drabble based on the Rut Stuff headcanons

Warnings: None

-----------------------------------------

This wouldn’t do.

You hummed cheerfully, completely unaware of the darkening eyes watching you from the shadows.

Oh, he couldn’t have this.

He could feel his eyes begin to blacken and the itch in his antlers somehow felt even worse than it did at the peak of his previous ruts.

You could, and should, be held responsible for bringing about such an irritating change in him. He never had to deal with these absurd urges before.

Rutting season had been nothing more than just a minor inconvenience, a month where he felt a little less patience and more aggression than he usually would – an easy fix, a little extra slaughter always soothed his ruffled fur.

Well, until you showed up in his (after)life and somehow managed to make yourself quite charming to someone like himself.

He had never imagined finding a partner would change the physical aspect of his rut month so much, it even seemed to awaken some sort of deep instinctual part of him that Alastor didn’t realize he possessed.

You needed to make it up to him for making him feel this way.

~00~

“My little Doe~”

You almost screeched, hearing the static and the filtered voice only after you felt a touch on your hand come from below and you stumbled, still not used to Alastor’s mastery of shadows that he liked to regularly abuse to scare the living shit out of you.

“Hmm, how are you this hellish afternoon?” Alastor asked in his usual chipper tone, eyes quickly drawn to what was in your hand and his grin tensed and twitched on one side. “What is that monstrosity?”

He was well aware demons were stopping and staring, whispering to each other, probably in shock that the Radio Demon was having a casual and cordial conversation with a Sinner who wasn’t a fellow Overlord.

Let them talk for a few minutes – he’ll be taking their worthless eyeballs for daring to gawk at you in a few moments anyways. 

You patted your chest a few times, feeling a little heavy as you barely managed to swallow down your mouthful before you choked on it. “I’m still not used to that. How am I still not used to that?” You said under your breath and Alastor’s smile twitched once more, his mind jumbled and completely out of control.

His patience wasn’t exactly all there, (maybe you didn’t know that), you shouldn’t ignore him like that, your attention should be on him, so answer his question, whywereyoueatingthat, HECOULDPROVIDEYOUWITHBETTER–

“What is that?” Alastor repeated with gritted fangs, not liking that he did have to repeat himself to begin with and you snapped out of your shadow-induced shock, glancing at the thing-that-shouldn’t-even-be-called-food in your hand.

“It’s just a dough–” You started, reeling back in surprise when Alastor knocked your treat out of your hand like a naughty cat knocking things off a table and you’re just baffled at the sheer child-like pettiness of it, “–nut…” You finish, simply staring at your fallen doughnut on the ground.

Huh.

“I admit I have no fondness for sweets,” Alastor doesn’t like you looking at that damn doughnut with those pretty doe eyes of yours, especially with that disappointment, “but if you are craving a sweet treat, I am capable of making beignets at the very least.”

It’s the only dessert recipe of his mother’s that he can replicate, he was never one for baking.

“Alastor,” you quickly forget about the doughnut when you look back at Alastor, “are you… feeling okay?” You asked in concern, quickly noting he was not his normal self.

His antlers were a little larger than normal, he looked all around irritated, his eyes were flickering between black and red, and his pupils were spinning as if they couldn’t settle between their normal shape or the radio dials he was known for.

“No, that’s not enough,” Alastor didn’t answer your question, “beyond sweets, for every meal, you need to come to me, my Doe. I’ll skin anyone alive who think they can feed– care for you better than I can.”

“I…” Something was off with Alastor, but you could directly ask him when you weren’t in public and–was that screaming?

Ah.

Alastor’s shadow and other little minions were making mincemeat out of the passersby and you guessed they must have riled Alastor up by staring just a little too long. Well, if you wanted to be in the Radio Demon’s life, it was just a fact you had to get used to.

You jumped when you felt something large being draped over you and you felt warm and fuzzy when you could smell Alastor’s scent enveloping you. “What are you doing?” You flushed, seeing that Alastor had taken off his overcoat and was currently wrapping you up in it, looking a little less irritated at the sight of you in it.

“I can still smell that doughnut and its maker on you.” Alastor snarled at the very thought before reaching down to intertwine his fingers within yours and he almost barked out a laugh at how utterly red your face was getting at the gesture. How adorable, you matched his coat.

“W-what are you doing!?” You were completely confused at this point because Alastor never touched you affectionately out in public – both for his image and for your safety. This was odd, bizarre, but you didn’t hate it, you were just flustered at the abruptness of this strange new thing.

“Hmm, I suppose I should have shared something about myself with you earlier,” Alastor tightened his hand around yours, strolling along with you slowly so you could keep up with your shorter frame, “When we are away from any prying eyes and ears, I will tell you what this is. But first, my little Doe, let us enjoy a nice afternoon walk, shall we?”

“O-okay.” You simply nodded, spotting a streaking black shape speeding towards you and Alastor and Alastor’s shadow emerged from the ground. You looked curiously at it when it held out its hands to Alastor in an eager manner, but slowly stepped back once you got a glimpse of what it actually was holding.

“Good job.” Alastor nodded with approval and the shadow seemed to look at you restlessly before Alastor held out to you what he ordered his shadow to retrieve – those worthless Sinners’ eyeballs. “A gift for you, dearest. And many in your favourite colour!”

Ah… ha.

“Thank you, Alastor.”

Yep, better get used to it.

[nadvs]

this is for the long distance part of the au

reader face timing rafe while she’s at a party drunk/tipsy and telling him how much she misses him. she’s just giggly and sad and in love cause she loves her man and misses him so bad 🤭

aaaaa i love it 🤭

based on this fic

» au masterlist

she finds a quiet corner in the kitchen as the party carries on around her. at this point, she’s enough drinks in that the room is spinning.

this was the house rafe lived in before he moved, and even though it’s almost two months into her school year, it still feels weird being here without him.

it’s been four months since he left. his season has started. his life has completely changed. and hers hasn’t, except for the fact that the man she loves isn’t within an arm’s reach anymore.

it’s nearing ten pm when rafe hears his phone ringing as he brushes his teeth. he always has it on loud these days in case she calls or texts. part of the nature of being in a long-distance relationship, he realizes, is hating himself if he ever misses a notification from her.

her boyfriend’s face appears on her screen and she feels a mix of love and joy and sadness and yearning all at once.

“hiiiii,” she slurs, her smile wide. he can hear bass-heavy music rumbling in the background.

she sees rafe’s smirk, his dimples, the way his eyes soften when he looks at her. god, she misses him.

“having fun?” he asks. she watches him walk through his condo as he holds the phone up to his face.

“barely,” she whines. “i can’t have much fun without you. it’s physically impossible. i miss you, baby.”

“i miss you, too,” rafe laughs. he can tell she’s absolutely plastered.

he rests his phone on the bathroom counter, his bare shoulder in the corner of the screen as he finishes brushing his teeth.

“shit, are you about to go to bed?” she asks, eyes wide.

“i can talk,” he says. he turns off the tap and picks the phone back up. he has an early practice tomorrow, but she’s worth the fatigue.

“you don’t have a shirt on,” she says softly.

“i don’t,” he says. he moves to his bedroom, flipping on the lamp by his nightstand as he settles onto his bed.

“you like to sleep in your boxers.”

“i do.”

“show me,” she says.

“show you my boxers?” he teases.

“mhm,” she says, her camera a bit shaky as she slyly smiles at the screen. he flips the camera, giving her a view of his legs stretched out on his bed. she takes in the sight, resting her chin on her fist, her eyes wide.

“you’re so hot,” she giggles. “how are you so hot?”

“how much did you drink, baby?” he laughs, flipping to the front camera again.

“like barely anything,” she fibs. “did you hear what that one commentator said last night?”

“no, tell me,” he says, amused. she watches all his team’s games and post-game highlights. he loves that she’s always been so interested in his career.

“he said you’re one to watch,” she recalls.

“i’m surprised you remember,” he says.

“what’s that mean?”

“it means you’re wasted,” he chuckles. she throws her head back in laughter.

“so what if i am?” she says. “you are one to watch. i watch you all the time. you look so good. i’m still thinking about that one dunk last night.”

rafe smirks. after every game, he knows when he picks up his phone from his locker, he’ll see a thread of messages from her as she texted him her thoughts throughout the game. her support is unwavering.

sometimes he wonders if she keeps up with his career just to make him feel better. but if she’s this drunk and still raving about him, she must actually want to watch him.

“you liked that?” he asks.

“i miss you,” she says again desperately. “i never knew missing someone could hurt so bad.”

“i miss you, too,” he tells her. “reading week, right?”

“right,” she says. she has it in her calendar to visit him in a couple of weeks. the last time she saw him in person was at the end of the summer.

“what are we gonna do?” he asks.

she brings her phone even closer.

“you won’t be in your boxers, that’s for sure,” she mumbles.

“i thought you had to study,” he says, teasing her for how she had told him she couldn’t visit to just have fun the whole time.

“don’t listen to sober me. she’s boring.”

“that’s not true,” rafe mumbles. “don’t say that.”

“can i say that i love you?”

“you can,” he says. “i love you, too.”

“when do you have to wake up tomorrow?”

“four thirty.”

her eyes widen even more. their time difference is only an hour. he’ll hardly get six hours of sleep if she keeps yapping.

“you need to sleep,” she says. “i miss you and i love you and go to sleep.”

“alright, baby, don’t forget to text-”

“text you when i get home, i will,” she says. “but i have my location on anyways so don’t worry.”

rafe thinks he’s always going to worry. she’s responsible and careful, but she’s still his girl, and he can’t turn the protective side of his brain off.

“be safe,” he says.

“i will,” she sings. she hangs up and he stares down at his phone until it goes black. then he taps the screen just to see his lockscreen photo.

it’s her silhouette standing on his balcony in front of the setting sun. he took the photo from his bed. he can’t wait to see that view again. he gets what she meant. missing someone so much it hurts. he feels it every day.

rafe doesn’t mind being woken up when it’s a text from her saying she’s home safe. in fact, it helps him sleep deeper knowing she’s okay.

but nothing beats falling asleep with her in his arms. life is a countdown until he can see her again. he finds comfort knowing it won’t always be like this.

[electricneonvalkyrie]

Abby notices when you’re depressed. Let’s talk about how she handles that as your partner.

These are modern Abby headcanons. The list was much longer, but I cut it down considerably to keep it from getting too long-winded. I do have a piece written for WLF Abby. If it's something you want to see, let me know.

Thanks for reading. I'm glad you're here.

• Maybe it’s a slow descent this time… little by little, losing interest in your favourite pastimes and finding it hard to discover meaning in daily life. In the midst of trying to survive, there is suddenly no room left for indulging in your hobbies.

Abby, with every random blanket and sheet she owns, constructs a blanket fort in the living room, offering a pressure-free zone where you can do nothing but feel completely safe and loved.

Super cozy, not too busy, and mega peaceful against the demands of a world that is asking far too much of you in this moment.

Does she deep-dive Youtube tutorials on how to build epic forts that probably belong in a magazine? I mean, yeah. Give her a break, alright? Complete dedication is the way this girl operates, and I’ll die on that hill. Also, Abby is a tall, sturdy girlie, and she needs to fit inside it with you. If you’re going to live in this fort together for the foreseeable future, she needs it to be good for you.

Now, if you want an enormous blanket hanging precariously off the side of the couch with a half-dead flashlight and crinkled comics shoved underneath some pillows, date Ellie. Still cute, still the thought that counts, but she’s no Abigail it’s my mission to save you Anderson.

• Abby stocks up on all your go-to snacks because she gets that it's hard to think about the basics when you're too bone-tired to move… nevermind prioritizing measly things like providing yourself sustenance. She’s got you covered.

• She refuses to let you marinate in the feeling of being a burden. She shuts that shit down fast.

“You’re my person, okay? I’m not going anywhere. End of story.”

• Abby grew up around doctors, so she'll for sure be the one to look up therapists and leave the info pinned to the fridge beneath a small magnet that is, of course, a laminated photo of the two of you on your first date. She describes it as the most important day of her life and brings it up regularly.

“You know, I’ve seen this picture a hundred times, but every time I look at it, it hits me all over again—how much that day meant to me.” Her voice dips low as she confesses something so immensely sacred to her. “The day I realized you weren’t just someone I wanted in my life. I’d been waiting for you without even knowing it. I thought I had it all figured out before you. Fuck, was I ever wrong.”

(Just know there's no rush to decide anything big when it comes to choosing a method of healing, but it's there when you're ready.)

• On your hardest days, she stays close, but she doesn’t push. She’ll busy herself with repairs around the home or folding the mountain of laundry shoved up against the wall in your bedroom.

• Abby loves to buy those cute nightlights with little animals on them or the ones that change colours, and she scatters them around the house. When you’re lost in the darkness, right?

• She serves you warm drinks in your favourite mug and nothing else. She’ll handwash it a million times a day if she must.

• Abby's phone chirps with little alarms throughout the day, reminding her to do something special for you. This is all the time, not just when you’re depressed, to be certain.

• Weighted blankets everywhere. Vehicles included.

• I don’t care what anyone says, Abby is soft as a motherfucker, okay? Is she rough around the edges? Maybe. Yes. 100%. Fine, she’s a hot mess, but will she read you poetry aloud, until her voice is hoarse, and her lips go dry? Without a doubt. There are sticks and jars of lip ointment all over the place wherever Abby resides.

Fun fact: Abby hates when her lips feel dry, even slightly. She is constantly reaching for ChapStick and all its cousins. Whenever someone tells her she should stop using her precious lip stuff because it will improve the sensory nightmare in the long run, she’ll immediately do that pouty, nose crinkle thing at them and ignore the advice without a breath.

• Abby lets you wear all her sweaters. That’s a given. But when you’re depressed, she tends to reach for yours as well. It helps her feel close to you when she’s dealing with her own inner turmoil.

• She doesn’t fuck around when she senses you’re starting to spiral. Her routines are extremely important to her, but she will put them on pause to be there for you.

Now, does she gently, lovingly, force your ass to go on walks with her to get some fresh air somewhere you feel comfortable? Yeah, she does. This might be annoying at times when you’re really struggling, and she knows it. She’ll still encourage movement in a way that is manageable for you if leaving the house is too daunting.

If that means you’re standing on her feet, arms wrapped around her neck while she sways side to side with you, so be it.

• She'll binge-watch your favorite shows and movies with you until she drains all the power in the entire city.

• Abby won't make you feel awkward if you cry. She'll just start crying, too, even if she tries so hard not to. She gets better at keeping it to a little glossy eyed moment, but sometimes your pain is her pain, and the dam just… breaks.

• Abby is an actions over words type of human. She’s a doer. Also, timing doesn’t matter much to her. She is desperate to give you a future to believe in because she is so certain that what the two of you share is everlasting.

Abby proposes to you when your hair is a mess, and you’ve been in the same pajamas for days. Fuzzy teeth? Fear not. She isn’t afraid of the hard times. Her love is an anchor. A constant.

She wants to remind you that you’ll never have to face your dark times alone.

Shadows dance on the tapestry walls of the blanket fort, illuminated by the warm, flickering lights hanging inside. Across from you, Abby lounges with her legs stretched out and her back propped against a pile of soft pillows. She’s quiet for a moment, fiddling with something in her hands.

“You know,” she begins, her voice gentle and husky, like gravel smoothed by unrelenting water. “When I was little, I used to make forts like this with my dad. We’d sit in the middle of all the chaos and just… talk about random shit. Nothing outside could touch us.”

As she glances at you, there is a small, almost shy smile playing on her lips.

“That’s what this feels like—being with you. Even when everything else seems like it’s falling apart, you’re my safe place.”

Abby leans forward, her knees brushing yours, and you realize she’s holding a small velvet box. Her confidence wavers, revealing a hint of vulnerability you rarely see.

“I’ve been thinking about this for a while. About us—what we mean to each other.” Her voice cracks a little, causing her to pause and clear her throat before she continues.

“I know you’ve been feeling lost. And I know I can’t fix it, even when it kills me—even when all I want to do is make the hurting go away. But I can promise you this...”

She opens the box, the ring glimmering in the soft light, her affectionate, earnest gaze meeting yours.

"I promise you'll always have someone by your side to help you through it. No matter how dark it gets, I’ll be right here with you. For the tough days, the good ones, everything the world throws at us. Because you’re it for me. You always have been."

With each word, her voice grows softer, filled with an unmistakable tremor of emotion.

“Let me be your person forever. Let me love you, fight for you. Let me build you giant blanket forts until we’re way too fucking old to do it by ourselves—and then let me find new ways to take care of you. Because it’s all I want in this lifetime. You’re all I see. Will you marry me?”

[psychic-refugee]

I agree with pretty much everyone that the season was rushed. They had so much going on and just didn’t do any kind of exposition or building of the storyline. Even if they had the normal 10-episode season, I don’t know how they would have done anyone’s storyline justice.

So, even for a Netflix season, it was short and rushed.

I think it could have been a really good season if they had the time to actually tell the story.

Some things I wished they had developed.

The bond between Jennifer and Ben. Or just having a backstory for Jennifer at all. She was literally just there and I felt I knew nothing about her. Marigold made 43 gifted children, did Durango only make Jennifer? If Marigold gives powers, does Durango make them even more ordinary? lol

They could have had a plot where maybe both particles give powers, but when they are in proximity to someone with the opposite particle, their powers get nullified.

If Lila and Five were gonna go Timeline hopping, they could have shown several timelines where Jennifer and Ben keep meeting tragic ends when they meet each other. I would have loved it if they were “Star Crossed Lovers” on steroids where literally every time they meet, they either die or bring about the end of the world.

I wished they played up more the idea that the Umbrella Academy as a unit/existing at all meant doom for the Universe.

Where if Ben and Jennifer don’t meet/die early enough, then Viktor causes the apocalypse. If Viktor doesn’t cause the apocalypse, then it’s Five with his wrecking the timeline to the point it creates a kugleblitz. If Five doesn’t cause it, then show how the others all bring about the doom.

Klaus always awakens too many of the dead and they kill everyone, zombie apocalypse style.

Alison’s ability progresses to the point that anything she says becomes reality, and she inadvertently causes the world to end because she gets pissed and wished “everyone would drop dead” or some other kind of Monkey Paw consequence to a misguided wish.

Diego is blamed for every assassination because of his abilities, and it starts a nuclear war between countries.

Luther gets captured by a shady government entity where they want to use his DNA or recreate Reginald’s serum to create super soldiers, as his powers are the most coveted for a fascist regime. They’re successful and there’s an apocalypse created by world wars.

Instead of Viktor getting two seasons of ending the world and Five and Ben getting one; It should have been a 7-season storyline where they each end the world in their own way and they continuously try to fix it. Season 7 is where it ends with all of them voluntarily being absorbed by the Cleanse because they realize, “It’s me. Hi, I’m the problem it’s me.”

I wish they had gone deeper into Abigail Hargreeves, and not only on her research for Marigold and Durango, but her apparent resentment of being brought back to life. Like, how did she come to the plan of putting the Cleanse in motion? They couldn’t have at least done a montage of the six years between the resurrecting time reset and the beginning of season 4?

It would have been nice to see the dynamic between Reginald and Abigail. Is he so self-centered that he never noticed his wife was plotting to end the universe as they knew it? Was she horrified at the lengths he went to in order to resurrect her? Was he completely different around her? Soft, caring?

Did she try to live a happy life with Reginald, but couldn’t knowing that because Marigold and Durango still existed, that it was only a matter of time before it went to shit?

Was Abigail aware of the broken timeline and the inevitable eternal loop of apocalypse and resets, and that’s why she chose the Cleanse?

Season Four wasn’t finished, IMO, and we really only saw the Wiki version.

[sabbathbloodysabbeth]

Just- I’m tired of Steve having to have someone baby him and pull him to the side when the kids are being jerks or everyone is. (Robin also can be a jerk sometimes) but also when you’re mentally unstable sometimes everything seems like it’s coming at you for no reason. As much as I love the aus where someone brings him under their wing and snatches them until others learn how to behave I just want Steve to snap all on his own. To put his foot down, to get mean back when the kids are being assholes. Get into fights with Dustin over little shit but make up for it later. Though what could be his last straw is someone snapping at him and calling him bullshit and that he hasn’t changed at all. Just having him packing his shit, because there is no reason for him to stay in Hawkins. Him and Eddie aren’t a thing, and just have him disappear. For a long time. He’s not mentally ok, he hasn’t thought it through but the second he finds himself in a possibly even smaller town then Hawkins, talking to a therapist, and working his way up to getting a decent job, and doing classes? Well he’s doing a lot better then what he had been in Hawkins and he’s sort of accepted this life. Where he doesn’t have to be reminded of the upside down every day. The government hush money helps, but he doesn’t touch it because he wants to save it for something big. He gets a decent pay check every-month that goes straight into his bank account and he’s being smart about this. Just him growing more confident, growing his hair out. It’s down to his chin, and his clothes style? Is all over the place. He mixes and matches with how he feels. He wears his normally bright colored sweaters and polos but sometimes he has a grunge day. Wearing something that reminds him of Robin. Wearing a coat that goes all the way down his body and he feels unstoppable. Some days he wears glasses that are circle framed, with a button down shirt that tucks in his pants. Hair down in honor of max and eleven. And so on and on what he hadn’t expected was to fall in love with this specific Ozzy shirt. This 1984 bark at the moon tshirt that is sort of styles like a baseball t with blue sleeves. Of course he has other band t’s he wears but this one is his favorite.

So when it’s unavoidable that he has to go back to Hawkins, to go help his parents move it it’s no shock that someone sees Steve Harrington and the rumor train goes flying. Him with his brighter smile, hair pulled up in a bun, wearing skinny jeans, his favorite Ozzy shirt, with a ring that someone got him from work for his birthday, and nails painted white. A strange color to want your nails to be. His parents are annoyed as they realize he hasn’t been living here for years. Just him carrying everything out, doing the hard work. He has a tattooed demo bat that goes up his spine covering his scars and one wing protectively wraps itself around his side to cover any scarring. His neck has a few chains on it, all given to him as a joke for the bark at the moon shirt but ended up sticking because he pulled them off. Not him noticing the small crowd of people gathering across the street watching him out of shock. He doesn’t notice them until he hears a loud yelp when he pulls his shirt off revealing his body and catching the face plant of one Eddie Munson.

[blues824]

Greetings, friend! Can I ask for 24 with Trey and 25 with Ruggie? (Both with male readers, if possible, please❤️)

You requested: New Year’s Countdown + NYE Party

I just did both prompts for both guys lol. Male reader

Trey Clover

You had accepted his invitation to stay at his family’s home in the Queendom of Roses, and the scent of flowers kind of punched you in the face in the best way possible. Trey carried your suitcase for you, even though you didn’t want him to because he had his own suitcase to carry. However, he warned you that your arms needed to be free to catch his siblings when they try to tackle you.

Laughing as you knocked on the door to the house, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to actually be tackled. Trey walked in with your suitcases before coming back out and picking his brother and sister up, hoisting them over his shoulders. They pounded against his back, trying to get him to let go, but he’s carried too many sacks of flour to be deterred so easily.

Meeting his parents for the first time was a bit awkward, as they had no idea that their son had a boyfriend. Then, there was his siblings, who saw how grossly in love you both were and asked when you were going to get married. Instead of being embarrassed, though, Trey just said that he was waiting until you both graduated, and that made you flustered as hell.

Anyway, your time here was mostly spent helping the bakery run. You often helped your beloved baker in the kitchen, fetching the ingredients and measuring cups that he needed. You would then help at the counter whenever a customer walked in to collect their party order. Now, his family’s bakery was a fairly well-known spot, so to see someone else behind the counter was unusual.

However, Trey would introduce you to each person as his boyfriend. If they were being honest, every single person thought that he would stay single for his entire life because he never showed interest in anyone. You laughed at their surprise, saying that you were very lucky to have a man like him.

Unfortunately, this job never stopped, so the Clover family just opted to celebrate New Year’s in the bakery. It was a small celebration, but it meant that it would be special. The younger children indulged themselves on the treats left over, and you, Trey, and his parents had a small glass of champagne to toast to the new year.

Then, the countdown began.

“10, 9, 8, 7…” Trey pulled you into him, grabbing your face with his hands.

“Y/N L/N, in the rather short time I have known you, you managed to throw my life upside down completely. I love you, and I know I say it rather often, but I hope you know I mean it, sweetheart. You have no idea how much I love you. I’m glad I’ve had the privilege of knowing you and loving you.” His words were enough to bring you to tears, and once the clock ran out, you pulled him into a rather passionate kiss.

“Get a room!” Trey’s younger brother shouted with his mouth stuffed full of a cupcake.

Ruggie Bucchi

The Sunset Savanna was very warm, even at this time of year. That being said, you were very happy to go because you did not want to stay in NRC. Crowley was an insufferable piece of shit, and Ruggie was less so and also your boyfriend. Plus, he wrote to his family about you and they very much wanted to meet the human who tamed their son.

Once you stepped foot onto the street he lived on, you realized that these people probably knew how to party. Everyone was pitching in on getting ready for a big New Year’s Party, any skills were accepted into preparation. You moved on to his grandmother’s house, and you could smell the food she was currently cooking. It made your mouth water.

You learned that his grandmother, while a bit strict, was really sweet. Once you showed interest in what she was making, she had you and her grandson helping her in the kitchen. She told you many stories of your boyfriend when he was just a young pup, which embarrassed him but made you laugh. You were totally going to use these stories as blackmail later, but that was another story on its own.

Anyway, at the party itself, you met many people from Ruggie’s childhood as you helped set up. His aunties and uncles (who were really just close family friends) all loved you, saying you were a good man for their little Ruggie. You relationship with one another was very heartwarming and cute to the others in the area, again with some little kids asking when you two are getting married. Is it so bad if you were daydreaming about it? 

Eventually, the preparation was ready. The food was laid out and everyone started sitting down at tables that were put out in the street. One of the residents was a retired DJ who kept up with recent trends in music, so you had a free DJ. It was definitely a very exciting party, especially as you got up to dance with your lovely hyena.

Then, the music slowed down. The couples got together and started dancing with one another. There were even a few children, their love only equating to a small crush, that were dancing together. Your arms went about his neck, playing with the ends of his hair on the back of his neck, making him melt as you both swayed side to side.

Over the mic, the DJ started counting down, and that’s when Ruggie stopped to speak his mind.

“Y/N, I know I haven’t been the kindest to you this year, but I hope you can accept a poor hyena’s apology. I love you, sweets, and I’m hoping you could be mine for the next year and the year after, all the way until you are absolutely sick of me. I am your hyena, I am your problem.”

“You could never be a problem to me, Rugs.” You pulled him into a rather passionate kiss once the clock ran out, earning a few whistles and cheers from those around you.

Pulling away, you whispered, “I love you, too,” against his lips.

[thewayuarent]

About choices

And about Sand’s choices mostly

(there are spoilers to the next episode in here if you try to avoid them)

I found myself using the word pathetic to describe literally any character in this show by that point and while I do it ironically I think it doesn’t fit for me anymore. I’m also way far to be the only one using it especially when discussion is about Sand.

And the thing is - I don’t think he’s pathetic about Ray. I also think after this episode that I’m actually really proud of him. And while I have that very uneasy feeling every time I watch Sand yielding to Ray - I work hard to find my peace with it and be fine with that.

Because he’s making his choice and it’s not my place to judge him for that. Because I don’t want to do with Sand the same exact thing Top and Cheum do with Mew - questioning his life choices and blame them on Ray. Because Sand is an adult and he has a right to make his own decisions.

This episode is actually the first time I see Sand being honest about his feelings with Ray. This scene right here - is about Sand admitting his feelings.

Maybe he doesn’t say it as it is, he still uses sarcasm cause of course he would - but he also clearly hurt and he doesn’t hide it away as usual. This is also the moment I believe Ray realizes for the first time that he means something for Sand.

And after that conversation, after him not responding to messages and staying his ground, the next thing is he’s being smitten with Ray again.

And it’s so fucking understandable. He’s not pathetic. He’s just in love. And he allows himself that moment of weakness just because he wants to spend this time or more time with Ray. Simple as that.

And after that absolutely gross terrible shit Ray has an audacity to tell in his face - Sand is still here.

And it’s not only about him helping Ray with cops. Cause this one understandable as hell at least for me. Police brutality is not a fun thing to experience at all (I experienced it ones after anti-war protest and I live in Russia so I know that shit). And no matter how angry I am at someone I won’t let them get through it alone, I will help them in situation like this absolutely. And I would definitely not let an addict with severe mental illness get to a fucking jail, are you kidding me? Even Top was like nope and he hates Ray.

Even if we all know that this is way more dangerous for Sand, cause Ray has money while Sand doesn't. Even if I think the right choice for Sand would be thinking about himself not Ray here just for a reason of being save - I would do the same thing. I spend one night in jail as a queer person and I still have a PTSD 1,5 year later. I know it was an impulse from Sand I know it's fucking dangerous and he's risking everything. I know it's stupid thing to do - and still I do not judge him for that.

But this is also about the next week preview. This is about Sand forgiving Ray once more. Giving him another chance. And the answer to the question “How will they end up like this after that disaster of a party?” - well, it’s because that what Sand wants. (And Ray also wants it obviously but we’re not asking him here, he’s sitting in a corner thinking about his behavior)

And the important thing here is - Ray is not the only one Sand gives this chance to. He gives it to himself also. And this is about him as much as about Ray. Because Sand was hurt before. And he closed up after that. And he only now allows himself to be honest with Ray for the first time. It not even as much in this conversation

- cause he’s probably doesn’t have the best control of his emotions so it can be unintentionally.

It’s this one we haven’t seen yet.

He lets himself be honest. And that means he gets himself an opportunity to feel and maybe to be happy but also to be hurt again. And this is a good thing, actually.

Because this is how life works. You can either choose to guard yourself or risk it without knowing for sure where it brings you.

And maybe it won’t last long. Maybe it’s only for a brief moment when they physically move themselves away from the reality - but it does count. And those moments? They matter as much as bad ones.

I personally do believe they are eventually doomed by narrative - and not because of love triangle or Ray's addiction, but because of the clear power imbalance this relationship build on. But while it's my personal belief, it's clearly not Sand's, at least in the moment. And it's his right to allow himself this chance - himself, not Ray.

Sand does deserve better. Yes, absolutely. He deserves to be loved and respected (you hear me Ray? I said respected) and not played around. People say it all over again and I’m definitely one of them. But the reality is, love is not only about what we deserve. And it’s not even only about what we feel. It’s about what we choose. And why it’s not for everyone to understand why Sand chooses Ray, it’s not our place to judge. It’s his choice. So if that what he wants I will support him.

The only boundary Sand semi-successfully holds is not being the second choice. He doesn’t let Ray do that to him - and it seems like he won’t in a future. And this is important cause it shows that Sand doesn’t completely betray who he is for Ray.

For all the other things - Ray saying (every time while being wasted as hell) things that probably for many people unforgivable - and I do respect that - well, Sand forgives him. And it doesn’t make him weak or stupid. It makes him who he is.

I was there before more than I would like to. My father is an alcoholic and sometimes when he’s drunk he says terrible things. It’s complicated cause he never allows himself this when he’s sober. And I know that alcohol doesn’t makes him different person, it’s still him. But I also know that condition brings worst in him. Things he actively fights all the time but that are still there. And when he’s sober - sometimes he apologizes. Sometimes he doesn’t remember. I choose to forgive him every time - not only for him but for myself. Does it makes me weak? I don’t think so.

Ray’s addiction is not his whole personality, but it’s a big part of who he is and it explains - not excuses - a lot about how he behaves. And being with addicted person is hard and exhausting and it’s not for everyone. It’s a personal choice - there’s no right or wrong here. Sand makes his.

Love is always about choice. And it’s not only about Sand, actually. It’s about all of them.

Mew doesn’t deserve being cheated on but it’s his choice to forgive Top or not, not ours. And my bet he will.

Top and Boston don’t deserve their sex being recorded and released but it’s up to them if they forgive anyones involved. And my bet they will. Top already running after Mew and Boston continues to add himself in this friend group, so they are already partially there.

Ray doesn’t deserve being dragged around by Mew to be his revenge supply, but it’s his choice to play along. And yes, he’s not that stupid, he clearly knows Mew’s reasoning.

Nick doesn’t deserve being betrayed by Sand, but he made a choice to forgive him and stay friends with him and trust him again anyway.

And this list is endless, this is just some examples. They all do messed up stuff to each other, hurt each other and then move on. They could honestly stop any relationship any character has with others but they all are still here. They won't be forever, probably, but for now, yes, and it's their rigth. This is how we’re growing up.

Sand knows exactly how Ray is. He’s not deceived about it. He sees Ray for what Ray is - all good and bad and charming and struggling parts of his personality. He actually always knew and he falls for Ray being himself not some pretty image of him. He knows Ray is far from perfect. He knows Ray doesn't respect him - he was there being called a whore and again with this stupid possesive rant. He was hurt by Ray way more than once.

And he perfectly rigth saying they have nothing in common - they are from different worlds and they always will.

But he's wrong about it at the same time. Cause it’s music, and also parental issues, and the ability to have fun with each other. It’s also Ray saying he’s in his happiest with Sand

which is absolutely mutual in their good moments. It’s about freedom they find in each other - Ray from his pain and Sand from his exhausting daily routine. It’s also about their shared need to be needed. It's not enough for stable relationship cause their differences are way bigger, but that's enough for him to be willing to give it a try.

Their bond is not healthy or romantic but it still deserves a chance to be. And I love how this show never tries to romanticize any of it. It’s always a complex mix of feelings because they are in wrongs so many times and every time you feel like it’s enough but this moment is still not here. And one minute they are broken but the next they are happy and then broken again and this is how life works.

They are so, so young and it’s not only about age (cause I’m not that much older than them but honestly I remember myself in 22 and I was a whole different person) but also about the amount of experience they have in their lives. About the dynamics they have and patterns they are stuck in. And this is always about getting this new experience and it’s not pleasant all the time but there are still moments when it is.

As for Sand - he’ll be alright. He is alright honestly. He’s not fooling himself into believing that his love will “fix” Ray. He’s just there both for Ray and for himself. And about what Sand deserves? He deserves exactly that, because that is what he wants. He deserves it for the sake of learning and feeling and growing up thanks to that experience.

He doesn’t need to be saved from Ray simply because he made his choice. Because it's not about Sand patheticly falling for Ray's needs.

It's about Sand meeting his own.

And while it not necessary to agree with him, or understand him, it's at least worth an acceptence.

[eco-lite]

My unedited thoughts on volume 2!

“The Cat’s Eye of Insight”

* I really have such little patience for the obnoxious stuck-up child trope. Even if the kid is legitimately troubled. Sorry, Hajime.

* “Whenever I was near Richard, I kept finding that all the things I’d locked away deep in my heart just started spilling out” (32). Uh huh. 🥲

* “And why is my brain so much more talented at coming up with awful scenarios than good ones?” (39). Great question, I’d love to ask my brain the same thing.

* Lots of hints that we’ll be seeing more sides of Richard in this volume!

“The Fighting Garnet”

* Why is Richard turning into Sherlock Holmes right now?

* NOT Richard implying that he and Seigi are soul mates! 😭

* Really interesting exploration of how in some peoples’ eyes, the more beauty a person has, the less human they are—the less they must be treated with respect. Similar to how people feel they have more rights to celebrities’ personal lives and bodies because they are in the public eye. It seems like Richard had experienced a lot of violation in his life. In this regard, Seigi is dehumanizing Richard all the time. But I think this story finally has him realizing why his words bother Richard so much.

* “Now, maybe this was just me making assumptions here, but I can’t imagine there were a lot of women in the world, let alone in Japan, who would particularly enjoy being called warriors. I think being called ‘lady’ or ‘princess’ would probably land with more women in general” (95). Seigi, my sweet summer child. You have no idea. What is this, Ouran Highschool Host Club? I think most women today would love to be called a warrior—women fight every fucking day to exist as we are. As Richard said, to live is to fight!

“The Dance of the Emeralds”

* Richard, you are way too lenient when it comes to sweets…

* I’m starting to think that most people aren’t actually that effected by Richard’s beauty—it’s just Seigi. He keeps mentioning how beautiful Richard is even when he’s frowning or doing mundane things. I think that’s just Seigi’s attraction to him as a person.

* “She had the vibe of someone who’d just come running from a construction site” (131). Literally what??

* I really glad that Seigi genuinely appreciates who Tanimoto is as a person, with all her nuances and cute habits.

* Crazy how Seigi says the wildest romantic shit to Richard and is like “huh, what?” But when he says the same kind of thing to Tanimoto he’s gets all flustered and nervous.

* Not Tanimoto thinking Seigi has feelings for literally everyone besides her. 😭

* This story has taken such a turn omg. We’re into drug smuggling and money laundering now?! This really is turning into Sherlock Holmes.

* I don’t even know what to say about Richard eating the caramels out of Seigi’s hand. That’s just normal fodder for them by now.

* Richard fishing for compliments now?? “‘You look perfect like you always do. The most beautiful man in the whole world is standing in front of me.’ The woman behind the counter suddenly started coughing really loud. Maybe she had a cold” (180). And then Richard hurried away into the theater. Like??? You can’t act so shameless and then get embarrassed, Richard!

* Ahh, Richard, you’re too self-sacrificing. Way to end on a sad note.

“The Opal of Reunion”

* “‘The universe has a way of bringing people together when it’s meant to be’” (196). Richard, you sentimental shit. (And NOT Seigi reusing that line on Hase omg.)

* Wow, Richard was right on to suspect Seigi had a crush on his karate classmate. I mean, we were all thinking it. But Seigi! You can actually admit to yourself that you had a crush on your male classmate?! Biggest character growth! Not that he knows how to explain it to Richard, though.

* 🥹🥹🥹 Richard waiting for Seigi because he knew Seigi would be disappointed in Hase after their confrontation. 🥹🥹🥹 Richard playing Finnish death metal so Seigi can cry in peace. 🥹🥹🥹 Richard taking Seigi out for sushi at a fancy hotel. 🥹🥹🥹 Richard telling Seigi to live in the moment instead of ruminating on depressing times in the past. 🥹🥹🥹 Richard letting them split the check so Seigi doesn’t have to be reminded of his relationship with Hase. I’m so happy that both Seigi and us readers get to see this side of Richard—“comfort mode.”

* “…in the end, the only thing I have power over is what I decide to do. Otherwise, I’m just going to cause myself a lot of unnecessary pain” (215). Yeahhh I felt this hard. I struggle with this a lot.

“The Serendipity of Euclase”

* Awww Richard, don’t be ashamed of your pudding fail. Please keep blushing though, that’s fucking adorable.

* His little swaying with joy. 🥹

* SEIGI you cannot in one moment say “we’re just boss and employee,” and in the next moment say “‘we were kinda like a cute married couple, huh?’”! Stop playing with Richard’s emotions!!

[enjoythesilentworld]

Wille's Month - Future

numero 11 here we go. @youngroyals-events <3

Wilhelm writes a letter to himself.

read below the cut or on ao3. (T, swearing, grief)

Hi.

It’s me, Future Wille. Or, I guess, it’s you, but in the future. Like, you are Past Wille and I, writing this, am Future Wille. Although, technically I can’t actually send this to you and the whole naming thing would make more sense if I was Past Wille writing to Future Wille. Whatever, you get it. I’m stalling. 

A few years ago, I (Past Wille but less Past than you are, you are pre-Hillerska Wille) wrote a letter that was meant for Future Wille, but I figure it got lost in the shuffle when the school was shut down (spoiler!). My therapist suggested that I write a new one, but to the past, and I thought, hey what a fun way to relive the most tumultuous and traumatic time of my life? Now I can see Simon watching me because he can probably tell I’m still stalling. How does he always know? (Just wait until I tell you about Simon.) 

Listen, the next few months are going to bring some of the best and worst times of your life. You’ll feel the greatest pain and loss you’ve ever felt, but also experience some of the most beautiful moments of love. 

You will lose your brother. It will hurt. Bad. You think those panic attacks you’ve had were tough? Just wait! You will feel like you’re no longer human. You’ll feel like no one fucking gets it. You’ll feel like you’ve forgotten how to speak, how to function, because how the fuck can he just be gone? You’ll think, what do you mean I just have to continue living without him? You’ll officially become Crown Prince and you’ll hate things even more. You’ll self-destruct a little bit. You’ll beg your parents to fucking see you. You’ll try to remember they’re grieving, too. You’ll continue on with your life, you’ll have to. The grief will get easier to carry and realizing that will almost hurt worse than anything else. You’ll learn to live with it, you’ll think of him every day. 

You will lose your brother a second time. I’m not sure I’m even ready to tell you all the things that will bring up. You will work on forgiving him because it helped you come to one big, important decision: You will step down from your right to the throne. 

It will be okay, just trust me. 

During that first year at Hillerska… where do I even start? You’ll be betrayed by someone you were told you could trust. Your parents will basically abandon you, too, and everything will go from periods of being actually pretty good to being absolutely horrible. Just know, this is proof, that you will make it through and be better for it. (maybe things didn’t have to go quite that shit for me to be ‘better for it’ – because holy shit – but isn’t that the way we’re supposed to talk about the past?)

You will learn so many things after leaving Hillerska. You will be happier than you’ve ever been. All of it will feel worth it, in a way. You’ll finish school and go to university like a normal kid. You’ll take a bunch of random classes because you’ve never really had a choice of career, so you’ve never really thought about it. You’ll still not really know what you want to do at 25. But you will be okay. 

I saved the best for last. Simon. 

Simon will appear in your life and he will be everything. He will be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. He will challenge you, he will test you, he will make you feel things you’d never thought you could feel. You will lose him, three times, all of them your fault, in a way. You will cause a few national scandals (don’t ask). You will hurt him and he will hurt you. You will try to fix things and make it work. You will love him with every cell in your body. He will love you back. 

Listen, Simon will be the best thing that has ever happened to you. He still is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Keep him close. Kiss him as much as you can. Tell him you love him as much as you can. Make him sandwiches and make him laugh and try your very hardest to make him as happy as he makes you. Know that you end up together, in the end. 

I can’t warn you about everything. Just know that you will make it through. Be kinder to yourself. Take a step back, when you can, and let yourself breathe. Lean on Felice (but be there for her, too, she needs you). Forgive Mamma, forgive Pappa, remember they are just humans, too, and they are trying their best. Forgive yourself. 

Okay Simon is looking at me now in a way that means I’m done with this letter. Much more important matters to attend to. Namely, kissing the hell out of my boyfriend. You’ll understand soon. 

I believe in you. You can do this. 

Wille. 

[hermionc]

have not been able to come on here bc tumblr really brings me back to my 16-24 yr old self and she would be so affected by this. but man. i’m upset and everyone on twitter is playing woke police (as they do) and i really need to just

my one direction era kinda predates this blog actually, i was transitioning away after zayn left bc i felt like the illusion was shattered

been crying on and off the last few days. i feel horrible that he’s gone and i feel horrible for even feeling horrible

the nuance required here is beyond what i could fit on twitter, and to be honest so many people on there are just barely no longer teens themselves they have no idea how to relate to this feeling with me . like they weren’t there . and i’m glad cuz this feeling is jarring

i can’t remember mourning a celebrity before this. which is probably bc i’m only 29. like this just happened so quickly and he was so young i was in shock the first day and was like, oh, just another celebrity death whatever lols thankfully idc anymore. and then the next day the memorial posts started flooding in not only from the other boys - i know they’re grown now but we grew up together and they’ll always be those boys to me - but also from names i haven’t thought about in years - lou teasdale, josh devine, max from the wanted, greg horan 😭

and today i started to see posts from other fans.. people i had connected with over a decade ago. or people i never knew but who went through that experience with me regardless

it hits harder and harder every day. haven’t showered since tuesday. hair is a mess. was scraping by doing the bare minimum at work

now it’s the weekend and i’ll have a chance to catch my breath. or maybe just sit with it some more

liam was one of my first favorites in one direction. i was impressed with his vocal tone and range, i could always pick out his lines because at first he was just more mature and practiced than the others when it came to singing

i remember when he followed me during one of his twitter follow sprees i literally jumped off the sofa with my ipad in hand and started crying. my mom was like what is happening 😭 but she knew it had to do with That band because at that point, in my life, everything was

an escape when my teenage years were filled with so much strife - dad moving out on us after literally trying to kill my mom, brother in and out of the hospital, mom struggling to make ends meet and pay the bills while going to university for the first time in her 40s — on top of just regular teenage shit.

not fully understanding how the csa i suffered as an infant had affected me and attempting to navigate my own sexuality within that. allowing so many men to treat me as an object to be used - sexually, emotionally, whatever - bc that’s what i felt i deserved.

and almost zero support to pick up these pieces. living in shame and dealing with self doubt and downright hatred. until i realized i could find a healthier escape - not sex, not drugs, not rebelling at school - connecting with a community over music and these boys who were offering us a safe space. one direction would be there to help me handle some of the toughest life changes anyone has to deal with. emotional loss of a parent. restructuring of a household. neglect. bullying. hypersexuality. friends suicide attempts

but at the end of the day they were always there with a twtcam or a follow spree or a concert where other fans could post videos

it’s so heartbreaking to think it will never happen again. ever. because he was troubled and on drugs and fucked up from fame. we’ve seen this so many times and the news cycle will move on and life will continue for the rest of us but my god it’s so hard to stomach

someone who once offered you so much support without even knowing - made me smile on days i would have been numb or crying. whose voice comforted me more than anything else at one point.

it’s so fucking hard and complicated i guess is what i’m trying to say. and it hurts. and i don’t use this blog anymore so if you read even part of this — thank you. i love you

[mediocreanomaly]

Legato falling for you HCs

Authors Note: I’m so sorry I’m a Legato apologist so of course my first post has to be about him lmao I am for sure not proof reading this so apologies for any mistakes

• First off, he’s got alot going on. So it’s most definitely going to be a bit of a slow burn for him to really like you, much less love you. Don’t be deterred though! Patients is key... •When he first meets you he’s pretty indifferent to you. I’d imagine you’d have to meet him through the Gung-Ho-Guns so he mostly just wants you to stay out of his way. •Main way to get him to warm up to you? Food. They say food is the quickest way to a mans heart and that's especially true for Legato. Don’t make a big deal of it but if you just happen to have extra snacks laying around for him? Who is he to say no? •Eventually, he might even start to unconsciously seek you out knowing where you are there's a snack to follow. •Slowly, the two of you even begin talking, small words exchanged between meetings, you sit and nod while he quickly complains about what ever is currently not going right with the other Gung-Ho-Guns •Now eventually these quick talks turn into full conversations. Legato isn’t exactly nice but he’s also not completely rude either as you talk. He silently listens and might add a snarky comment along the way but he secretly has begun enjoying listening to you, not to mention he can’t stop watching your mannerisms and notices you need a hair cut soon and- uh oh. •If you’ve managed to stick it out this far congrats! You’ve actually begun to get somewhere with the man. Now once Legato begins realizing he has feelings for you it’s a lot to unpack. He’s been through a lot and trusting someone is hard for him so give him some time and space as he mulls over how to handle the situation  • Once the two of you start dating not much changes admittedly. For one he does not want you to initiate any touch. He has a ton of trauma regarding it and one wrong move will have him pushing you back with his powers before you can say “Bluesummers”.  • The second thing you have to understand is Knives Millions comes first. Every. Time. It might take some getting used to but the man is devoted. If you can stick with him through those two things it’ll actually bring you a lot closer to him. Not many people would be understanding of that. •Legato does try to show he cares in his own ways though. Bringing you things back from towns he visits (destroys), giving you books he likes, ect. It’s small but it’s the best he can do to thank you for still being by his side. **Very slight spoilers for manga**  •Now. I do actually believe you could get this man away from Knives but it is a very long, very tedious process. Don’t ever shit talk Knives around him, don’t beg for him to leave knives for you, and don’t tell him knives is bad for him. He’ll leave just like that, instead go for a softer approach  •Legato doesn’t know how to live without someone commanding him. He’s never known kindness or love until he met you, so it’s up to you to slowly show him he can live without a collar around his neck. •It’ll be hard I won’t lie, but do domestic things with him in the rare time he has away from Knives. Show him how to cook, take walks with him, fold laundry with him, show him that life doesn’t always have to be a fight. Sometimes you can just...be. • If he opens up about his past? You’ve got him. He doesn’t share that information with anyone, and you are suddenly very aware of why he acts the way he does. Don’t pity him, but show compassion. Listen to everything he has to say and assure him he’s come along way since then. • At this point despite how devoted he is to Knives...I think you’d be able to finally drag him away. I think the main reason he’s so loyal to Knives is that he doesn’t know how else to live. Knives is honestly just another form of his abusers, another iron fist, another collar, another cage. But you? You’re like a small ray of hope, the first good thing to ever bless his existence. He won’t say it out loud, but he isn’t sure he deserves you, but he’s thankful he has you anyways. •For the sake of fluff we are going to assume you managed to get him out of the Gung-Ho-Guns, maybe you got him to reluctantly join Vash’s cause (unlikely) or maybe the two of you are now in hiding in a small town (more likely) either way it’ll be a bit easier to get Legato out of his shell, although don’t expect a huge transformation he’s still working himself out (but he’s trying!!!)  •Eventually he get’s used to a life without someone looming over him, it’s weird for him at first, but not completely bad. He also starts to get more use to touch, your hand in his, his hand pressed against the small of your back, your fingers tracing his face. There will always be a limit to how much he can take before he needs a break, his trauma isn’t going to disappear over night but he’s trying everyday to be someone worthy of you love. Besides, when he gets to wake up suns still just peeking over the horizon your sleeping face catching a bit of the golden rays that sneak in through the blinds...he can’t help but think that all his suffering was worth it, as long as he get’s to keep waking up next to you.

[white-weasel]

Final Saw Saturday for new movies (until of course Saw XI comes out.) Spiral and Saw X were what we watched last night:

I can definitely see why Spiral rubbed people the wrong way and a lot of people hate it. I can also see why they had already taken a preemptive measure of marking it as separate from the other movies by naming it “Spiral: From the Book of Saw” lmao they wanted to signal that this was not your typical Saw film

It was so hard to try and separate Chris Rock from the character he was playing in Spiral. Every time he would talk I just kept hearing the voice over for everybody hates Chris or Marty from Madagascar. Not the fault of the movie, just that Chris Rock is so Chris Rock I couldn’t turn my brain off for it

The new Jigsaw voice modulation made me laugh so hard I could not take it seriously. Like obviously if I was actually in a trap I’d be scared to death hearing it but within the movie? My friend and I joked it was like the killer had his notecards for his presentation in front of class and he was really nervous and reading through them for the first time

One of the big things to this movie’s detriment is that we see the traps through flashbacks, meaning we only get to see the traps after the victims are already dead (generally) which sucks because a lot of the suspense comes from not knowing if someone will make it out or not. And even in those “unwinnable” scenarios sometimes characters still get smart and figure out a way out. We didn’t really get that in this one because of how they were brought up in the narrative

Not much to say about the actual traps themselves. None of them super stood out to me for this run

William Schenk was the most enjoyable part of this movie. His character was so silly before the reveal (even if I was able to figure it out well ahead of time). Speaking of which…

William as the killer was a good fun new angle to bring to a Jigsaw killer! If only they had actually stuck the execution!!

Like, it might be a little trite in other media, but the idea of an apprentice (though he’s not really an apprentice, just a copycat) whose traps don’t focus so much on the actual victims in them, but those who will witness the aftermath could have been a good concept. Scaring cops straight to lower corruption within the police force by essentially hanging the threat of Saw traps over them is a stellar idea and actually I’m surprised the mainline movies didn’t really discuss the idea of people maybe trying to live more “pious”/“fulfilling” lives lest they be put into traps themselves once word of what Jigsaw’s motives were got out

(Unrelated side note but I just got the idea of someone like that, someone absolutely terrified of being put into a trap and as such altering their entire life to avoid it, being put into a trap for that very reason since it’s making their life miserable. That would be great epic bad luck)

I also like that there was a level of personal obsession there, with Schenk feeling this twisted sense of loyalty to Zeke for being the “one good cop” who actually stuck his neck out in order to bring his father’s killer to justice. But idk what happened it just did not work and that’s so disappointing. Maybe if we had gotten more time on their relationship?

But also with the above point it’s not like Zeke is a particularly good cop. That one drug dealer breaks his leg and they brutalize him to interrogate him? And then the two of them just leave him? I was hoping that was gonna come back up at the end like “I looked up to you but then I realized you’re no better than all of them” and really Schenk’s whole thing in the warehouse at the end has been masterminded to kill Zeke as well but alas. Was not in the cards

I wanted to root for this movie, knowing it got shit from the fandom but unfortunately I cannot. At least Saw 3D had characters I liked even if they were doing dumb stuff for the plot lol

Saw X though? Saw X was VERY Good. Holy shit I’m so glad to be back to a good movie and that our Saw watching mission was able to end on a high note

John Kramer getting scammed was so fucking funny for no reason. Like he might be able to evade police, analyze the actions of his victims, and build super complex traps but he’s still susceptible to being swindled out of his money for snake oil

I’m surprised these people didn’t actually cut into him. I know they would never actually do brain surgery, but like at least make an incision or something guys!

The idea of Amanda having to bring Billy with her on her way to Mexico is so funny to me especially because he’s so big this movie. Like, having to check his trike at the airport and then stuffing Billy in her backpack to be her carry on? I know the TSA agents were fucking confused when they saw that on the detector

The bone marrow trap and brain surgery traps? Valentina and Mateo were stronger than me for real. The fact that they legitimately got close to winning those is insane to me because if I were them I’m just fucking dying

(My friend brought up the idea of John having to call Lawrence to ask just how survivable the brain surgery trap is and Lawrence basically being like “well TECHNICALLY you could take out a portion of your brain and survive HOWEVER-“ and then John just hanging up with him after he got the confirmation someone can live without all their brain. And that’s canon to me now)

Gabriela!!! I loved how this film gave us a character to be Amanda’s parallel, basically she sees herself before John in this woman and she wants to help Gabriela the same way she believes John helped her. And you can also see the cracks in her faith already here with her trying to take the blame off Gabriela and put it on the drugs while John reminds her that everyone has a choice which AHHHHHH so glad we got to see more of this war within Amanda explored

Along with that FUCK Cecilia holy shit. Not only killed Gabriela after she survived her trap, but then also got a little kid involved fully intended to kill him? I had just thought she was a pragmatist, I didn’t expect her to be so evil

Carlos was literally too good and innocent. The fact that John was ready to sacrifice himself completely, but he decided to take some of the blood boarding on himself was devastating. I’m glad he lived

I had predicted John and Amanda were planning on being put in the trap together the whole time, but the ending still pulled off the reveal in a satisfying and fun way! Very much enjoyed that

Obligatory “hell yeah!” For us getting to see Hoffman at the end credits scene. I was already so happy just getting to hear John call him up to talk with him, but the line “Epic bad luck” was extremely funny I loved it (as shown by my reference of it already above)

It’s definitely weird seeing all the actors older and knowing that this movie takes place between 1 and 2, like I actively had to remind myself that Amanda’s supposed to be in her 30s (and that horrible wig did nobody any favors lol) but also I’m kinda glad they didn’t do any deaging. It fits into the low budget fun of the saw movies, just the way I like it

So excited for Saw XI! Definitely plan on seeing it in theaters, hopefully opening weekend, and I’m gonna be a part of the hype train up until it’s release!

Final Saw movie ranking! (Subject to change as my whims take me of course)

Saw

Saw V

Saw VI

Saw X (this and 6 are basically tied though)

Saw II

Saw IV (this and 2 are also basically tied though and flip flop a lot)

Jigsaw

Saw III

Saw VII

Spiral

[kfanopinions]

hi everyone… sorry it’s been quite around here but i have still been wrapping my head around the news regarding taeil. however, lately i have seen so many people relaying rumors, doing tarot in regards to 127 and the rumor about a fake kpop list going around… like y’all my head and mind are so jumbled…🤦🏽‍♀️ so i wanted to just let some of these opinions i have out because bottling shit up isn’t healthy 😅

1.) the information about the victim has not been released by any official sources. the rumor about the victim at the time being 12 and him threatening their mom was never stated by proper authorities. the police i believe (and correct me if i’m wrong) said they would be limiting the information because it could risk the victim’s safety (aka crazy fans trying to hurt them). so why are people jumping on the bandwagon all of a sudden and believing a twitter post of an instagram that someone screenshotted?

if all of that turns out to be true, okay, but we need to wait to see what the facts are first before spreading misinformation…

2.) i can’t believe someone actually did a freaking tarot reading to see how the 127 members are feeling. of course i will not be mentioning the username because i don’t even remember the account but as some of you who have been around here for a minute you know i love tarot, i believe in it but that persons reading pissed me off. no one and i repeat no one knows what any of those young men are thinking and feeling right now aside from themselves and to even try to infringe on them using tarot right now is beyond comprehension! yes, i have an astrology blog i infringe on idols private lives too but i make damn sure i don’t cross the line — hence why i will never look into their dating life or even who they will marry cuz honey that sh*t is complicated and none of my business or anyone else’s.

this is just my personal feelings but that action was crossing the lines. i mean if taeil were one of my friends i wouldn’t know how to think or feel and i would probably go through all the stages of grief + rage multiple times before my emotions were clear enough to understand the situation at hand… but man that was just a low move (again in my opinion, of course)

3.) this whole situation with a fake list of male kpop idols names has me so confused and disgusted. i get it, a lot of fans feel a sense of ick because of taeil and because of what’s going on with the 2nd rising of the nth room, me too, and despite the fact that it appears there are more men then women in s. korea that doesn’t mean every man is a disgusting creep. plus, idk if people even realize how fucked up their own countries are/can be/have been. babes it’s not a s. korean men problem it’s an all over the world problem but right now the light is shining brightly on s. korea. but back to the subject at hand… i saw a fake list going around and it made me sick to think someone is so disturbed that they would try to bring down people who may be innocent and have no freaking idea of what is actually going on. like 2 of the names are of group leaders and i know both of those leaders fans and fans of those groups are going to contact the companies like crazy. as they should… because how sick in the head do you have to be to pull this off? i hope the companies take action because spreading stuff like that as a joke is not funny especially with the current atmosphere over there right now…. and idk about korean law but it can be seen as defamation which is no joking matter…

4.) and as a bonus i can’t believe that people are making ai deepfakes of kpop idols. it was bad enough with t. swift and the mess that came out of that…

as an artist, myself and many others have tried to get the public to know and understand how dangerous these generators can be. i knew how bad and disgusting and dangerous it was from those twitch streamers having their likeness used in p**n videos. the amount of tears those women shed broke my heart… like how much more pain needs to go around before people (big corporations) put an end to the every day man using this shit 🤦🏽‍♀️ my heart sank when jype announced they would take legal action because it shouldn’t have been done in the first place…

😮‍💨

but how do you guys feel about all this stuff? did you hear about the rumored kpop male idol list? and like i’ve seen lately, are any 127 fans thinking of no longer listening to the group? let me know

[klasdfghjk]

What did you think when you left me this way

by Lingering_Bastard

Chapter 3: We Live On

Ok, getting broken up with? Sucks.

In between the sobbing, every inhale bringing in an icy sharp breath that burns my throat, and tears streaming down my face onto Kev’s jacket sleeves, staining them black with mascara as I painfully swipe at my eyes; I suddenly realize a strong contender to the “this sucks” hierarchy. I mean, as stupid as it sounds, that in this very moment I can be thinking of anything other than walking out of that party a single woman.

These shoes might have been perfect to wear all night for an indoor party, but now with the reckless idea of walking home executed, blisters have begun to form at the back of my heels, and they hurt like a bitch.

So, getting your heart broken sucks, but wearing the wrong shoes to the break up is just slightly more criminal.

“You’ve got to be kidding, oh fuck.” I swear out loud, noticing the burning of skin is actually becoming unbearable, and pause my walk. Through bleary eyes I look around the empty street, noticing how much I’ve managed to walk, fiercely trapped in miserable sentiments. My breath comes out in puffs of white, a dying street lamp pitying me.

‘Well screw you, your only job is to light up and you can’t even do that right’

It’s colder out in the open, though with a warmed-up body all it does is numb my face. I’m just a few blocks from my house, that distance is mocking me more than my smeared makeup. With that thought, I wipe with dirty sleaves again. Geez, these tears are unrelenting.

“God I’m an embarrassment.” I mumble, kicking at the lamppost helplessly. It only flickers meekly in response.

I’m almost content to keep standing here, no movement to ignite the pain of the blisters, no huffing in chilly air rushing to get home. My mind starts drifting to my now seemly comfortable bed, still messy with clothes I was debating on wearing this night. Wrapped dinner in the fridge I could heat up, my appetite randomly coming back to life. And I did promise myself a hot chocolate. Ugh, and I have to wash my face before sleep even if I really don’t want to… I wonder if Kevin is still at the party. It's late, maybe he got sick of it and went home? Or maybe he went back inside, with his newfound single life, and instantly start flirting with someone once I left? There were so many hot people to pick from. I can visualize it now, him smashing down a few drinks, charming his way into a group of strangers. Oh shit, there was that one girl who had the hots for him, Leo? Yeah, she looked properly high and dressed to impress. He could be balls deep in her right now, I saw the top bedroom was empty, is he even the type to fuck after a breakup heck WE didn’t even go further than over the clothes stuff-

And I'm overthinking again.

As if the universe was sick of my pathetic head ramblings, a car passes through the street ahead of me, reminding me I am still crying in the middle of a random sidewalk at midnight and not at home, a better place to spiral into insecurity. Also, that car was a little off the middle lane, sir you are lucky I’m not a cop because that’s some drunk driving. I grit my teeth, pain be damned, do a once over around me finding I’m still pleasantly alone on this walk, and take off one reluctant step at a time towards my house.

Against better judgment, and still angry at the thought that my Ex is now ~thoroughly~ enjoying the party that is surely still raging on, I decide on a shortcut through the park. It’s not much of a park as it is a few bushes and a playground, used mainly by smoking school kids ditching class.

Thank a clear sky and a bright moon, I don’t see anyone waiting to stab me in the night for, what, a piece of gum in my front pocket and a beat-up phone? What a score. I still walk as briskly as possible.

Unfortunately, my worst enemy doesn’t come in the form of a stranger in the bushes, my wild imagination conjuring up images of horned demons coming for my skin rather than a bored serial killer.

No, my enemy stays at it as always been, mother nature herself.

It’s a gravel path, how hard can it be to walk a gravel path? I’ve passed the slides and swing set and am well on my way to the freedom of the next street when I stop paying attention to the ground, looking around the familiar houses, ready for the home stretch. Too focused on the routine picket fences rotting away in this forgotten suburbia: I trip over a goddamn stick.

My feet are already clumsy from the burning pain of blisters and strained from the walk, they don’t even try to catch my balance as I lurch forward, vision going black for a moment as my forehead hits those stupid posts they put in front of parks to stop cars swerving in and such. Well, stupid cars didn’t hit them, I did. And the forehead collision is followed up with my knees smacking into the concrete sidewalk hard.

I gasp, breathless and dizzy, falling to my shoulder, then rolling onto my back with the final momentum from my trip.

I don’t immediately acknowledge the pain, the hot blood now trickling down my forehead, or look down to my scraped knees. A night in which too much has happened in such a short amount of time, my attention drifts towards the stars. The stars that have seen this whole night: A whole meltdown and a half lasting from my bedroom, through a car trip, on a balcony next to a pool. All the events that led up to this entire predicament. A night that in storybooks would have been a heart-to-heart conversation of apologies and teary-eyed kisses and “I’ll never hurt you again” promises.

Not whatever this is.

Slowly, as if figuring out the right key to play, my brain halts all function. All thoughts buzz out and narrow into one solid, sorrowful feeling. A hurt that seemed so old, too out of place for my own head, passed on from a harrowed soul and thrust into me just so I could feel it too. Now, bubbling up from deep in my chest, I burst. Still, on the cold ground, the fiery hurt spreads through my body. A trembling mess, teeth biting into my covered arms trying to muffle sounds as excruciating wails and screams leave me without permission. My legs flail and kick, the air, the ground, the fucking feeling that was so unexplainable and agonizing.

This is what he did to me.

--

The short tantrum overstays its welcome, but I have the sense to know I’m a couple of blocks from my house from where I’m bleeding on this park pavement. As soon as I get up and dust whatever I can off, I almost run home. The pain of moving my sore limbs and bleeding soles is better than crying the night out at the park entrance, alerting concerned neighbors, and maybe earning a call to my parents.

I’m limping down my driveway, rather pissed at the automatic light sensor ratting me out. I pause for a beat, looking for movement in the windows. A sigh of relief escapes me, seems the surprise spotlight didn’t get me caught. Not that I’m sneaking back in, of course, I just look like a banshee leaving a funeral.

Rounding the house into the backyard, I sit on the decking and practically rip off the offending shoes, crying in relief as I free my feet. They aren’t bad shoes, they really aren’t. I’ll just have to tape up my heels next time. Sure. I still throw them onto the shoe pile the door without a care.

One hand dabs the blood on my forehead with the now ruined sleeves of this jacket, another quietly slides open the back door. Thank fuck mum left it open for me. I patter across the house, making it successfully to my bedroom without waking anyone. I really can’t deal with a talk right now; I wouldn’t know what to tell them. I’d probably just start crying again until someone drove up to Eva’s house and dragged her son across the front lawn. I almost smile at the thought of it. It’s just a bit too soon.

But it’s not too soon to change out of my party clothes into a comfortable hoodie to drown in. I patch up my knees before I tug on some sweatpants. Then in the bathroom, I wash off the makeup and patch up the rest. It’s gonna be bad, bruised. A lot of fun explaining to do but at least saying I was clumsy isn’t far from the truth.

Then, no doubt between despair and also anger, I grab Kev’s discarded, make-up-stained, and blood-soaked jacket. I really don’t want to wake anyone up, but this has to be done, it’s all my brain can think about. Over months of self-doubt and heartache over a stupid boy, I at least deserve to give myself the closure he didn’t give me. I creep outside again. Extremely carefully. Like- giving a cat burglar a run for their money, carefully. Stepping over the creaks and placing my feet down extra lightly. I can now enjoy the crisp night air, all snuggled up. A hoodie that smells like me, one that Kev had never even seen.

Without hesitation, I throw this stupid relic, the last remnants of our bond, into the fit pit. I don’t look away even when the smoke makes my eyes water.

I keep the fire burning until dawn, sneaking in once to grab my dinner. There is an unexplainable peace I felt at devouring the heated up leftovers, and of course, a nice big cup of hot chocolate to remedy my scrapes and bruises.

Mum finds me in the dewy morning, shivering and dull-eyed, still tending to the ashes of the flames I lit. Not a scrap of Kevin remained.

- Two Months Later-

A full house, a busy basement. A room full of smoke and sin, now a rather normal setting for me.

My eyes are dry and glassy, I giggle at the feeling as I place the bong back on the painted coffee table. I’d already spent way too long staring at the detailed cartoonish characters but whenever there was a lull in the conversation, I’d find myself drifting back to it, even when there was plenty of eye candy around the room to check out.

“Nina, thank you for being a clingy bitch.” I sigh as I sink into the plush if not kind of gross couch, smiling down at her grinning reaction.

“Nooo, thank you for being my social anxiety rock.” Nina nuzzles against my legs from her place cross-legged on the floor. She’s almost too cute in this setting, the blond curls tied up in a bun slowly falling apart, and a loud tie die tee that only she could pull off, I’m almost tempted to tell her she looked more at home here than half the people in this basement.

“I’d say get a room.” The familiar stranger next to me, a girl I think from the year above me, jokes, “But what’s a good friendship without an abundance of homoerotic subtext?”

“Mm, true. I’ll keep my intentions questionable Laura.” Nina winks, and reaches for a lighter.

Sure, I said this time I’d be sober, but that basically went straight-out the window the moment I entered Eddie’s overly familiar basement. Well, Eddie's now out of school so I suppose I’d have the right to call it his sister’s hang out now?

They both have the luxury of frequently absent parents and use that freedom, or rather misuse, for it to basically be an open house for all their friends’ mischievous endeavours. Drugs and parties mainly. It’s not always this full on, all the times I have been over it’s actually been pretty quiet. Casual movie nights eating edibles or being introduced to DnD. Any grander party was spread out to more outgoing groups.

So, it was defiantly strange to see the whole house this full.

Some of Eddie’s older friends offered as soon as I arrived, but band-tee and ripped jean wearing Laura swooped in like a mother hen and didn’t let us touch anything else but her own personal stash.

“Trust most of these sloths haven’t washed their gear since they bought it, don’t want mold in your lungs do ya?” She lectured, “And the blunts might be laced, they are collage sleezebags babe. Wouldn’t put it past them.” It felt nice to be looked after.

She said she swore she knew me from a previous night out but I swore I didn’t remember her. We’ve concluded I was just a bit to blacked on Xan’s and tequila, which seems fair. I’ve sort of been putting anything offered into my body for the past two months. It’s even felt pretty good, I can’t lie. And no one has even pretended to be worried. Any and all breakup sadness is pretty much erased in drugs, which I know know know is stupid and I have to stop before it’s, like, stealing from mum’s wallet bad. But just for today, tonight, I let myself relax against that worrisome tide of thoughts and smoke.

The next hit Nina takes is way too strong and she ends up blank faced and staring at the canopy covered ceiling, I let her head rest between my knees and lightly play with her escaping hair. Laura gets knocked closer to me and another guest squeezes themselves onto the couch.

“We are at capacity dude!” She groans over her shoulder, then smiles back to me. “This scene is fun and all but by god do I miss like, bike rides am I right?”

“I don’t even remember the last time I rode a bike.” That’s a lie, I do. It involved a certain dark-haired archer and a craving for strawberry milk. I still pass that convenience store every other day.

“I know right?” Laura gawks, eyes rolling playfully, “Free entertainment we never use. Oh, you owe me for the weed by the way.”

“Figures, I’ll pay for Nina too.” I pull out the bills I prepared beforehand from my pocket. Of course, I knew this was going to happen. Nina always ends up owing someone money. And last time she snorted coke that wasn’t hers was the last time I’d arrived at a party without what I dub ‘bail money’. “She’s broke as ever. I think her last dollar went to a parking ticket.”

“Fuck those, government cash grabs.” She accepts my cash, pulling out a twenty from the stack and handing it back without a single word. Huh, how generous.

“So,” She leans in mischievously, “Guys or girls?” Yeah, no playing around with this one, Laura has turned out to be overly comfortable with strangers.

“Uh-” I’m taken aback by her abrupt quizzing. This usually wouldn’t be the type of question to stir me at parties, but for the longest time I’d become accustomed by answering ‘taken’. The fact that I now can't use it as an option hit me, and I'm left speechless for a second..

“Shhe-” Slurred Nina, suddenly stirring to life after talk of money had passed over, “Is attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses only.”

“Doesn’t that sum it up.” I snort, thankful for the intrusion.

“Oh, stupid crush or bad break up? No don’t even answer, it’s a terrible topic to talk about when high.” Laura shakes her head, “Once on LSD I spent like an hour crying over my Ex to this random at a club. She broke up with me for, wait for it, my cousin.”

“Cunt!” I gape in playful offense, hand to my sternum as Nina and me give our “awws” in sympathy.

“I know right?” She rolls her eyes, absentmindedly rubbing her neck, “Doesn’t matter, they moved away now. Separately I might add. So, I just…don’t even have to see them anymore.”

“Did you get over it?” Nina asks without even thinking about how rude it might sound, but Laura just laughs and moves to stand up.

“Yeah actually. It’s whatever now but shit, could’ve saved me the months of dating.” Ah, she gets it. “I’m gonna pee, please save my spot?”

“Will do.” Nina agrees. They switch places in different tones, Laura having practiced balance and grace, while my stoned friend lazily crawls up to park her butt on the now vacant space on the couch, “Safe~ In exchange, please get me snacks from the kitchen, I am hungry!”

“One order of munchies on the way babe.” Our senior stalks off with a wink and a wave, then disappears up the stairs.

As she does, a familiar set of legs descend and I choke.

Fuck, now how could I forget, this isn’t just some random party. In-between the unplanned smoking and getting my heart fluttering around Laura, it slipped my mind that I was never going to come here. Not when I heard he was invited.

I’d been avoiding him at every single opportunity I could. I think he was too. Wait, no, there isn’t a “think” in that, everything Kevin does is intentional.

That’s why I’m pleased as fuck when I see the brief surprise in his eyes as he descends into the suffocating tendrils of smoke.

- Kevin –

She didn’t come to school for a week.

I was way past the phase of “beginning to worry”, because the truth was my anxiety begun the same night we parted. She should have gotten home fine in theory. Observant, strong, and a good runner, especially in a bind. No doubt she didn’t need a chaperone for the walk, yet it didn’t put my mind at ease. I wouldn’t be able to text and check if she got home safe. I wouldn’t know anything until I saw her at school again.

Every step back to my house that night was a battle, as thoughts of her ending up dead on the news, though as impossible as the odds were, invaded my rational thought. That was in between the foreign feeling of tears streaming down my face. I hoped like a computer virus this unpacking of emotions would be wiped clean after sobbing until I was an unsightly mess in the driveway, but any numbness I felt afterward was temporary.

My room felt a little emptier than before, I’d spent the weeks leading up to the break up slowly getting rid of her belongings. Little things at first, forgotten hair ties and stationery. Then books she’d gifted with the mischievous smile of harboring an inside joke, one I’d figure out if I read the damn thing. Of course I did, I read all of them. Then, with the weight of losing all those annotated pages with her scribblings, doodles, and cute messages, I promptly burned all of them.

It would have been difficult to lose her all at once, though not to delude myself, losing her at all is still painful. But now, my room barren of her traces, it weighed on me that I finally accomplished it. Cut off the last loose ends. Connection to humanity, or, something. Whatever you would call it. I wonder would I even be willing to shoot her, if I went through with it. Would she guess it, see it coming? Or is there still enough blind faith to interrupt her better judgment as I lead the sheep to their slaughter.

Oh, that’s, no, the fuck? What the fuck am I even thinking, after that messy night it’s just time to sleep and forget about the evening.

I didn’t go to sleep instantly, making a point to take a shower as if I could wash off this whole situation- I mean at least I could wash off the beer, sweat and tears. Then crawling naked under the sheets, tossing and turning under the suddenly uncomfortable sheets, failing at quelling the thoughts of her not making it home safe, a guilty portion of my brain remembers one item of hers I didn’t get rid of. One I tell myself I’m too tired to throw out, I’ll do tomorrow, I defiantly won’t forget. A stupid T-shirt tucked right in the back of my purposefully unfilled wardrobe.

I defiantly don’t fall asleep to escape that thought.

When she didn’t show up on Monday, the war of conflicting emotions begun their battle. Of course, there was immense relief from not having to face her. Who would want to see their ex so quickly after a breakup? The best medicine is forgetting, avoiding. She was probably feeling the same, maybe even sick from the cold walk home. Maybe she was avoiding the History pop quiz. Normal reasons.

But then the other side of my mind begged to differ. The panic of not being able to text and ask if she became a dead body on the weekend. If she was having a depressive spiral. Would it be good or bad if she wanted to transfer schools?

At least Tuesday brought the answer that she was sick, as I’d overheard her friends talking. But that didn’t tell me how sick. When she was coming back or…. if she was coming back.

Damn, I hated not knowing things. It certainly was a new feeling; one I really could’ve gone without.

The entire week was dragging on as she didn’t appear, day after day. Uneventful class after boring lunchtime periods. I really should have been reveling in this freedom. Time to work on the plan, time in my own head with my own thoughts. It had to be just the shock of pace changing. I could not stay like this forever.

Wait stay like what, again? Heartbroken- wait no. That’s not fucking it. I did my time, I cried, I got over it.

What’s the problem of moving on? Sure, it was a feeling I’d never experienced before. But once the initial shock and fear of all those new sensations wore out, my so-called love for her just melts into a period where I was doing unnecessary and distractive activities. I just wanted to see what the fuss was about, yeah.

Why is it so impossible to convince myself this time around? Years of confidence, following the role of a narcissistic psychopath. I’d never stumbled, not like this.

Next Monday, with immense relief of a tidal wave, she entered the classroom. Instantly shattered by noticing her physical state.

Sure, nothing seemed too out of the ordinary when she, completely ignoring me, waltzed over to her friends, reuniting with hugs and smiles. She quickly explained away the old bruising, week-old bruising I noted, on her face. A scabbing gash on her forehead that I bet could have concussed her, hidden under some sneaky hair placement and light makeup. Though that made my heart sink, I wondered, have they noticed her paling skin and darkened eye bags? Do they see how disconnected from the world her mind seemed? Because they better. I wasn’t here for her anymore, and pushed down the guilt her state caused me.

How did she get the injuries? I wanted to know what she was doing all week. It was really chewing at me. And that was unproductive. As she took her seat, I bit my tongue and forced my head down. If I was going to get better from whatever my brain wasn’t letting go of, I’d have to do what I did best. Overwork and disconnect from reality. I’d have to forget what was right in front of me. A walking, talking reminder of the past. Still alive, but dead in all sense but physical.

I’d spend the next few weeks with her ghost surrounding me. Tuning out her voice, memorizing her walking patterns to avoid clashing. Making sure we were never at the same gatherings or parties, which I’m sure she was too.

And for weeks, I swear I could still see her out of the corner of my eye as I picked up the bow, practicing for what was to come. She’d still be candidly relaxing in the grass, lying down, feet up, chin resting in her palm. She was always watching away, hyper-focused, and judging my every move.

“Hope it was worth it.” Her mouth moved but I didn’t hear the words so much as visualize them, every syllable punctuated, angry and disappointed. I had no answer for her, and instead drew back the bowstring, hitting the bullseye.

- MC -

It was earlier at school that day, he’d been chatting up the rabble and that included Eddie’s sister, being invited over for the house party.

So now I knew he was going, and that meant that event was off-limits to me. Later in class that day I’d been asked, within his earshot, if I was going to the event, I naturally declined, making some sort of excuse. The importance was that’s how we usually coordinated our territory. One of us declined or accepted an invite out loud so the other knew. But after two months, I was getting really sick of it. Why not just act like normal exes that can be around each other? I really didn’t have a problem going to a massive party with him in it. We wouldn’t even see each other a lot, he’s already proved to me he can disappear in a crowd.

He hears me decline, so if he shows up tonight, he’ll be in for a bit of a shock. I wonder if he’ll get the message that I don’t care, see it as a war declaration, or maybe not even notice. Probably the latter, actually. I think I forget that, he really doesn’t give a second thought about me these days. So yeah, I’m tired of playing this silly game of who owns which party and hangout.

Though, I’d be lying if I didn’t consider backing out of this plan until Nina triple texted me in a hurry, telling me she was too nervous to go by herself and get high alone, in a room full of strangers. Who could say no when she added three crying face emojis right after?

- Kevin -

It’s a miracle I didn’t miss a step and fall down the stairs, what the hell is she doing here?

My stoic mask drops just a hint as we make eye contact, she probably wasn’t planning on locking eyes either, as she quickly drops my gaze and I follow suit. Though not after noticing that she was indeed getting high which she knows I didn’t like her doing previously, but live your life it’s whatever. Apart from pissing me off by apparently deciding the rules didn’t apply anymore to not show up to the same event, why is she cuddling up so tightly with Nina? I mean they are practically lovebirds snuggling on the couch, the blonde’s leg casually linked around her ankle-

Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. Why are you thinking about it? Shit, I came down here to talk with, who again?

I try to make the break in my stride look natural, blood pumping so vigorously I could hear my heartbeat. And to my better judgment, I don't side-eye her as I walk past the couch. This is just a new scenario, albeit unwelcome. A challenge even. We don’t actually have to talk. Just exist in each other’s presence, pretend that this isn’t becoming as daunting as a knife fight.

Now that she saw me here, I’ll have to show some face before I leave, otherwise I'll just look chicken running away. That is a bother, since I’m pretty sure the smoke in here is potent enough to get high on fumes.

- MC -

I don’t want to laugh, I should be at peace with seeing him, and maybe slightly irritated. But the look on his face was priceless and I struggle to hide a giggle into Nina’s shoulder. It’s like I finally, even if for a moment, was a step above him. Then of course the panic I’ve been dreading floods through, sinking me lower into the hold of Nina’s arms; This may have actually been a mistake.

It’s not as if I’m seeing him again for the first time, heck, I even saw him earlier in the day. But that was in the only setting I’d become used to seeing him. Hidden away in the back of a classroom, or halfway across the school campus. An unavoidable fortress of the education system, confining us together without consent.

Ok, I might have considered moving schools’ the week of the breakup. Explaining myself to my mum that morning, freezing and injured in front of a dying flame, was mildly humiliating for me, if not worrying for her. Of course, parents aren’t oblivious, they were teenagers once too; she was worried more about bullying or assault. I could have played into that, quickly changed to a high school on the other side of town. The commute may have been longer, and I would have to begin the whole cycle of making new friends again. But moving just because I was a little heartbroken seemed silly, especially since Kev still lived nearby, and we shared a few acquaintances. NO- the mess of moving school wouldn’t help anything; I’d just be dragging myself deeper into denial.

I just spent a week being depressed enough to qualify as a 18th-century poet, went on a heartbreak diet of tea and, frankly not much else, then cleaned up my act as soon as I came back to school. Apart from the more-then-occasional drug use. I was fine. I am fine.

But back to the intruder of the room, suddenly seeing Kev outside of school for the first time since, well, the night, I couldn’t say I hated it. Couldn’t say it didn’t make me feel like a caged rat either.

Nina had defiantly noticed my discomfort, my shoulders stiffened, and my back angled uncomfortably against the couch when I subconsciously slid further into it. She had been lazily smooshed against my body, almost cat-like, singing along to whatever song was playing. I hadn’t recognized most songs that came from the stereo, carelessly shoved into the corner of the basement. The lyrics slowly fade out from her as she turns at my unease.

“Hey, you alright? You’ve gone a bit stiff.” Her voice was sleepy, but still genuinely concerned.

I realize I have the opportunity to play it off as a bad trip, but I can’t; I really want to get higher. I decide to do just that and fix my position. I give her a sigh, sitting up, and reach towards my prize on the coffee table. The bowl was still packed with enough to take a few good hits without grinding up more, I don’t think Laura would appreciate me misusing her good will.

Nina is still confused as I silently pull in the smoke, throat burning and eyes watering. But I’m not going to leave her hanging. After draining whatever mystery drink I had in my cup, almost forgotten on the table, I place everything back and lean into the safety of my friend. My mouth close to her ear.

“Don’t look, but Kev just strolled in.” I whisper it, trying to move my mouth as little as possible. I mean, the basement was big and loud, but I’d rather lose a limb than let him know I was gossiping. Nina scrunches up her face, scoffing without a care of confidentiality. Ok, don’t make it obvious babe.

“No really? Ugh. Do you want to leave? We can leave if he’s making things uncomfortable.” She’s genuine about that, but I just shake my head.

“Why would he make things uncomfortable?” Could have made a better response than that, I’m still battling not to look over and check what he’s doing.

“Do you think I’m oblivious?” She rolls her eyes at me, “You were like, so depressed when you broke up with that psycho. Your face was all bashed in-“

“I fell.” I correct, as I have multiple times to many people after my injuries were questioned. Not that our relationship was a big secret, but it almost surprised me how many of my friends suspected he was becoming physically abusive and that’s why we broke up. Yeah, the emotional manipulation towards the end, that was a deep hurt for sure. But he was never even that physical when it came to candid touching.

“Yeah, well, you went a bit weird on us when you broke up. Actually, it was already sort of weird when you were dating him.” Her voice drifts off at the end a bit, touching a sore subject.

“First time I’m hearing that.” I groan, unamused.

“Yeah well, no one wanted to say anything. He’s just kind of, I don’t know. Offputting. C’mon, you’d know best! He just gives off these vibes, like he knows a secret we don't. And he's got this weird narcissistic complex. I'm not that into psychology, but I can feel when something's up.” Nina babbles on.

She wouldn’t be wrong with that one. Learning who Kevin is, habits, traits and thoughts, was like finding out an uncanny secret. Parts that shouldn’t work, a design that seemed like a flawed structure. Then, you would dig deeper and find out it was you who didn’t understand. There was a certain magic around Kev that could either pull you in so close it was suffocating, or, well push you away. In either fear or uncertainty.

Well, I shouldn’t give him much praise for that, since I have to remember the manipulation. How he sees people as malleable, either useful or not. Not wholly like a psychopath, at least what I believed, it was more how he preferred to function. Both a rebellious act to the status quo, to the privileged upbringing he resented, and also practical to his nature. Which happens to also be his downfall.

“Let’s not talk about this Nina, I was just letting you know.” I sigh in annoyance.

I don’t want to talk about him, and I haven’t. This is beyond personal, it was forbidden. When that part of my life ended, it was burned away. Literally. I know my friends want me to open up, you can’t just break up with someone and not have a good bitch session about it. But I refused to indulge them with my rants. I couldn’t say he was some asshole I dated. He was an enigma I fell in love with, and I didn’t understand him enough. Of course, he dropped me. I was boring him, right?

Ugh, no not that thought spiral. No speculating on why.

I just told everyone the relationship was over. Just like that. Putting out a flame. No dramas or cheating or infighting. Defiantly no abuse. There was just nothing left. Not enough to keep us together and too much to pull us apart.

Don’t make it any more complicated than that.

“I’m being annoying, aren’t I? I’m soorrryy.” She rubs her cheek against mine, ok defiantly cat-like, and I giggle out an apology. Just then Laura returns.

“Hey, sorry that took a while.” Instead of moving to sit down she puts a hand on her hip and points her thumb back to the stairs. “Ed is being a real brat about letting me take food down here so we might have to move this to the living room. No smoking upstairs though.”

“Checks out.” I sigh. Nina is reluctant to stand but I pull her up anyways, “C’mon. Pizza time.”

“Mmm, and maybe some fresh air too I am suffocating”

Yeah, this room may be suffocating, but for many other reasons.

[echosinthedesert]

Why I’m Echo

🗝️🏷️ RAMCOA (trafficking and scripting)

Growing up, I didn’t know why they called me Echo. I’ve always been hard of hearing, repeating what little I heard so people would listen. My family hated how I slurred my words and spent too long guessing what they had said to me. I echo. I read the Narcissus myth in grade school. I remember thinking that’s where the word came from, but I didn’t realize then just how much that story mattered to me.

I was raised with the story of Echo and Narcissus as the narrative of my life. I was a confidante to the women of my church. They told me I was so smart, so good with words despite barely speaking. My mother was an English teacher, and I loved to read.

They took me to the school where they worked one summer, had me clean up the classrooms. Eventually, they left me at a table to do homework, sent another woman to watch me. She helped me with my math while the other woman went on ‘lunch break’ — apparently sleeping with that woman’s husband. At the time, I hardly knew what was happening. They were all so mad.

It wasn’t a coincidence, I don’t think. They did something similar in my church group, then again at a ‘house party’. Every time, I was the distraction. My homework, my writing, my ‘services’. As punishment each time, they took away my books. Those books were my door to language, used to bring them everywhere, and they ripped them apart and hid them.

While all this was going on, my church group was doing something similar to another boy. They made him hunt with the men, never let him look in the mirror, set up all these confessions towards him and trained him to be cruel to the people confessing. We were bonded together like that. They made me go confess my love to this stranger boy, who was fairly pretty, and made him hurt me. They kept us together often, even though we didn’t like each other, and we fought like cats and dogs.

For a while, I was sure he was dead. They told me he offed himself because of me (he was so stressed and angry, I really did believe them). I didn’t see him for a while. It was an ordeal figuring out how to get him back to himself, after finding out he wasn’t gone forever.

We get along better now, with years between that shit show and now. We get that so much of our lives were staged by the adults around us, and we think we know why they did it — not the logic of why they thought it was a good idea, but what they were trying to get out of it ig. We weren’t the only kids they did this to, and we’ve both played minor roles in other kids’ training.

Narcissus and I are alters in a system. All of my trigger words and all of his are linked up according to how we were trained. That’s not the point of my blog, but the context is important.

The people who orchestrated it all are outside humans, still alive for the most part, and all the events happened in external reality with the exception of Narcissus and I having actual separate bodies (they just had someone else stand nearby so we thought the person we were talking to was physically present).

It’s been a journey piecing together where our stories fit together and placing it back in reality. We’re not the only alters like this in our system, and we’re not the only system this happened to. The perps are still doing this, but we’re getting safe and trying to stop them from doing this to others.

So. My name is Echo, like the Greek myth, and I’m just a Deaf girl. This is my blog about being Deaf and living with the fucked up childhood I had because of it. I’m one of three Echos who came out of that fiasco, using this blog with every other ASL native alter in the system. The worst is passed, and I’m excited to make a life for myself in the present. Nice to meet you!