#i read the elan comic and i know that whatever ive experienced doesnt even come close to the fucked up shit that went on there
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#said id draw things for my friends and my club and i havent yet even tho i said id be done by tomorrow#so many dishes in the sink.#i read the elan comic and i know that whatever ive experienced doesnt even come close to the fucked up shit that went on there#but there's a few parts where he describes the way people must think about him#and the self depreciation and the paranoia the thinking that people just hang around because they pity you struck a chord#i sabatoge my own relationships because i dont think im good enough for it anyways#operate on the assumption that everyone is just barely hiding their disgust for me#heard somewhere once that the mind isnt set in stone but is a dirt path and the longer you run your wheels over the same path#the deeper you settle into your rut your habits#and i can feel myself rubbing against the deep worn grooves of disgust for myself#how am i supposed to get anywhere if im not even in my corner? i dont know how to pull myself up out of where im at#i know im already a burden on a lot of my friends and acquaintances#im the one thats always showing weakness and has to be catered to amd taken care of#i know i amplify it in my mind and its not to the extent that my gut tells me it is but i know for sure its true#and it makes me a little nauseous thinking about asking for help#i know that the way for me to become more compassionate towards others is to resolve my own issues its so hard for me to be there#for others when i just. exist at a constant level of self hatred#i feel like ive regressed back to high school where people asked for help by sighing loud enough and hoping someone comes running#everything i try to say about why im doing it sounds so juvenile. i dont really have an excuse#i just. cant connect to people due to what i think is an abnormal amount of self hatred and underconfidence#gut any opportunities for friendship bc im too intimidated to look them in the eye and talk because they secretly hate me.#beat my crush out of me by reminding myself that he doesnt actually care about me and he's just a polite person#im pretty sure that i dont want a relationship even w people i crush on partly bc i like internalized that i couldnt be loved#or whatever. im scared of intimacy ya what else is nee#new
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