#i read the book partly bc i was interested party bc i already got like 15 book spoilers by ppl who dont know that some just want to enjoy

[pigeonriot]

for the love of god can people STOP SHARING LEAKS

[sweettsubaki]

ok so apparently my step mother told my dad she thought I was trying to get between them?

And like.... is she serious? I'm the type of person that would take my resentment ro my grave rather than try to do something like that. Both because my dad's relationship has nothing to do with me - so far there don't seem to be any abuse patterns... slightly toxic ones but mostly because he has to be in between us and that's partly my fault. And because while I'm unable to confront others about how I feel due, in part to my social anxiety - also the fact that I'm a coward and a generally avoidant type of person-, I am waaaay too honest to be able to lie and manipulate to that point.

Lying about doing my homework or not having forgotten to pay my bills? sure. Going out of my way to break my dad's relationship? If I truly wanted to I'd just have lashed out once I couldn't hold it in... but it never even entered my mind.

Does she seriously believe I'd get in between my dad and someone who seem to generally make him happy?

I already have to try to calm things down because she got vexed two/three years ago when I said I wasn't a hugger and her thing about hugging every time you're in the same room was too much for me but I could do it like... at meal times or something like that (and apparently that was me rejecting her idea completely... smthg along the lines of "if you don't want to hug just forget the whole thing". Like I know that I'm not the most sensitive person and I tend to mess up, I usually can recognize those in the immediate aftermath but that one's not on me).

And it got worse every time... once I couldn't find a date to coincide with when they wanted to go to the Pays Basque to release my mom's ashes in the sea (my scheduled was too messy to be able to tell so far ahead and in the end I couldn't go) and she told me that they were going to do it because at least one person cared about my mom's last wishes... I'm still really really mad about that one and apparently she doesn't remember saying it so it's all in my head. Which, honestly was the point when I was done with her on her personal level btw because this was wrong on so many levels, one of them being that it was absolutely not my mom's last wishes and that something this dumb would soooo not be in even the top 50 list of her last wishes (my family's not good with this kinda stuff in general, I'm pretty sure my dad even forgot where his dad was burried, we're more of a...memento kind of grievers... graves and bodies? not really our thing).

Anyway she thinks the problem is that I'm too self centered (granted it is one of my flaws) so no matter what I'm the one who's at fault and I should just apologize and do what she wants.

I'm generally all for keeping the peace and avoiding confrontation. Hell I can often even admit that it's my fault if it'll make the other party leave me alone (unless it's something I'm hyper focusing on...then I won't) granted I usually insist that in a conflict there are two parties at fault even if one of them is more at fault that the other... I usually have issues with moral absolutes so I just try to nuance things a bit, like if I didn't answer you bc my phone was on airplane mode to save my battery then yeah it's kinda my fault bc I should have checked my phone sooner but if it's on airplane mode the call's just not gonna get through - it wouldn't either if the battery was dead anyway, so, mostly my fault, but not only because I don't think taking credit for smthg I had no control over is helpful to anyone... I usually leave it alone if the person's stubborn but I always at least try.

The thing is that she insists that everything is on me. I'm the one who doesn't help enough and who doesn't spend time with others and I should be considering their place as a 2nd home and I should feel safe to be myself there... except almost every single part of myself is problematic and I should just stop being the way I am and be better and the only reason I'm not healed from my anxiety/depression/whatever(apparently I might be autistic or have ADD) is because I don't want to... Like yeah I've used over 7000€ going to therapy over the years bc I don't want to feel better... it's totally not money I could have used for something I'd find interesting like books or travel or games or merchandising or food.

Seriously what do you want to say to that? My preferred reaction is "yikes let me go back to sleep and leave me alone, we'll each have our turn at having to deal with my dad". But my dad insisted that I continue the conversation because she's not feeling well (no kidding, she's suicidal... oh and she managed to get past her issues 'cause she fought for it... I'm sorry but I'm clearly not the only one with mental issues), so I tried, again, and I might try again if she contacts me directly. But now that? Like if the chance to reconcile had been slim before, now it's non existant unless something weird happens like aliens kidnapping me. This is such a bad understanding of my personality I don't even know where she could have even gotten the thought (I mean I have an idea but it's not linked to my behavior)

I honestly thought I had matured but I'm having flashbacks of my teens by thinking that dealing with people's feelings sucks and I should be allowed to just read and play and be left alone away from any and all conflict (Playing Ostrich? me? more likely than you think)