#i put that specific outfit on every time the autism is 2 much and i start having a meltdown and i take it off when i dont need the comfort

[generationa1trauma]

just watched narnia 2 for the first time many thoughts

[monokuma-apologist]

Headcanon: I’ve mentioned this before but I fully believe both Chiaki and Gundham to be on the autism spectrum. I believe this with all of my heart-

Chiaki is extremely fixated on video games, seems to struggle to find / use metaphors that others understand, and though she rarely offends people she has little issue getting straight to the point. She always struck me as being somewhere on the spectrum. Though some could argue that this is because she’s a digital-being(?), I disagree, seeing as characters like Alter Ego don’t seem to have the same struggles.

Gundham has a hard time relating to people, finds comfort in animals far more than friends, and is just…generally very distinct. He doesn’t seem to realize that others judge him for the persona(?) he puts on, and also seems to struggle socializing (you can see this a lot in his free time events, and on the many occasions where he tries to socialize with others [for example, when he sees Kazuichi and Hajime talking in the diner at the beginning of chapter 2, he tries to join the conversation- only to immediately insist he was not worried or lonely in any way when Kazuichi brushes him off]).

I also think geadcanoning Gundham this way makes his ship with Sonia that much better. Assuming Sonia isn’t also on the spectrum, she seems to struggle with getting accustomed to the unfamiliar culture around her…so she could probably relate to Gundham’s similar feelings of not belonging.

Also, I’ve noticed that he wears a very heavy outfit, which could be a sensory thing to be honest!

But in conclusion, to be an Ultimate you have to be really really fixated on a specific skill and as such who’s to say that every single ultimate isn’t autistic

[t4tlawlight]

Occam's razor is the principle that, of two explanations that account for all the facts, the simpler one is more likely to be correct.

this post is going to cover traits specific to the manga and the television drama, since those are the best adaptations to showcase L’s autism. THIS POST is required reading before you read anything i’m about to type, because it explains what kind of character niche L falls into--an unintentionally autistic coded character. i’ll talk more about that at the end.

i’m going to talk about manga L first, since he’s the original version after all. i’m going to go in order of physical traits, to behavioral, to his character writing. also, tumblr eats posts that have outside links, so i’m going to have my non-tumblr sources in a separate post, here.

anyways, more under the cut!

MANGA/ANIME:

sitting with his legs up and spine bent / sitting on the floor

this is such a big one and its extremely common in ppl with autism. sitting in chairs normally is uncomfortable to outright painful w many ppl with these disorders, myself included. L sitting like that (which, to recall, is a blatant homage to sherlock holmes, another character that is so blatantly autistic coded you can find absolutely ridiculous amounts of writing on the topic) and being like "I HAVE TO SIT LIKE THIS TO THINK PROPERLY" is so autistic. like sitting in a certain way to give you specific sensory stimulus/avoid distracting discomfort and pain is a thing. i found this post (1) written by an autistic person on the topic of sitting in chairs being uncomfortable, and it says as much:

“I suspect that seating discomfort is common in autism (though by no means limited to autistic people). Many of us, particularly as children, benefit greatly from chairs designed to be non-stationary: rocking chairs, “fidget” chairs, and so forth. These can improve focus, compensate for proprioceptive hypo-sensitivity, and alleviate restlessness. In short, many “attention issues” can be fixed simply by providing a little motion for the person sitting. Small change, huge results. That's what accommodations do at their best. They make (often minor) adjustments that have profound impacts.”

so when L says that sitting the way he does, for a specific sensory experience, improves his ability to think, it’s perfectly in line with this idea. Also it’s a good pressure stim.

standing with a slouch / shifting his weight around

to begin: yes! it’s very common for autistic people to stand or walk oddly for a number of different reasons, from physical comorbidity to other issues such as dyspraxia (see: movie L). From an article by YAI (2), an I/DD (intellectual and/or developmental disabilities) community program:

“Kyphosis (a curved spine), collapsed chest, dropped shoulders and even scoliosis are observed in many of our patients. These myriad of postural issues may result from reduced strength, decreased biomechanical stability, or from a sensory impairment, such as apraxia. 

Depending on the scene, L has mild to severe kyphosis which is very common in autistic individuals. Other things mentioned in that article if you want to click on it is instability in standing, where you sort of shift your weight around a lot between your  feet or rest all of your weight on one foot, which L is literally doing the first time we see all of him.

speaking with a monotone voice.

i obviously can’t show a picture for this one and it honestly depends on the voice actor you find for L, but in the anime in particular L has a very flat tone. a lot of this is bc he has a dry sense of humor but. just know that it’s very common for autistic people to have a flat affect (or go the other way into being too loud/emotive).

his eating habits. 

a lot (a LOT) of autistic ppl myself included can only eat certain kinds of food for texture and flavor reasons. HOWEVER there’s a term in the autism community called “samefoods” which is really well put by tumblr users candidlyautistic and autism-asks: 

“Samefoods or samefooding is a community word to describe the autistic trait of eating the same food over, and over and over . . . It is part sensory, part routine driven in most cases. A lot of times we samefood because we need that particular mouthfeel / texture / taste, and a lot of times even after that need passes, it turns into a need for routine until you actively dislike that food again.”

“Samefooding on the other hand is closer to a special interest. When I have a samefood (chocolate ice cream, currently), I really, really want that food. I could eat that food endlessly and not get tired of it. I will get upset if I’m not able to have the food in a day. For me, it usually is kind of routine based as well. For instance, with my current samefood, I have some in the evenings and it’s become part of how I wind down from my day.”

we don’t know exactly why L specifically desires sweet food or if he considers it part of his routine, but what we do know is that he really wants to eat sweet food and avoids eating anything other than sweet food, so it could either be that he’s a picky eater and can’t handle savory or he’s samefooding on sweets!

wearing the same clothes

L wears the same clothes every single day. It’s also worth noting that what he does wear is baggy, too-big clothing, the kind that wouldn’t be tight and uncomfortable. once again, sensory issues are a huge thing for autistic individuals. one of my favorite aspects is that in no adaptation does he wear socks. even L wears shoes, he wears them like slippers, not putting them on all the way. people comment that he seems like he’s poor, but we know for a fact that he’s very rich and that wearing these clothes is a personal choice he made.

not caring for himself/outsourcing his self-care

i don’t think one day is exactly canon, rather it’s an exaggeration of what might actually happen--i.e. L doesn’t have a huge closet full of the same outfit, but he does have several versions of the same outfit on rotation; L doesn’t use a human washing machine, but Watari might help him/encourage him to bathe regularly. One Day is a parody comic, but it was made by the creators for a reason and that reason is that L pretty obviously relies on a caretaker (Watari) for his personal needs. Watari, in the manga proper, cooks and cleans and does most things for L. we’ll come back to this topic when we get to the drama though.

doing stimming behaviors

if you don’t know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. everyone stims to some extent, but in autism it tends to be more obvious, go on for longer, and sometimes be more disruptive to others. it’s often used to help deal with sensory overload, or used to express feelings--think of an autistic person being happy and flapping their hands in the air.

there are a LOT of instances of L displaying stimming behavior, from stacking his food or things on his desk, to spinning in his chair, to biting his fingers/using them to press on his lips, to wriggling and tapping his toes. here are some specific instances:

there are a lot more. i’ll talk about more when we get to dramaverse, but if you rewatch/reread death note it’s definitely worth noting whenever L does something like this!

detective work as a special interest

ok, first and foremost i want to establish what a special interest is. Tumblr user cartoon has my favorite explanation of what a special interest is that i’ve seen to date: 

“To have a deep, intense, passionate and incredibly focused / narrowed interest in a certain area of study, subject, topic or thing - to the exclusion of other interests. This interest is something that exists for the long-term, most often lasting for multiple months, years, or even you’re entire life “

L says that he only does detective work because it’s a hobby, and he finds it entertaining. We’ve also seen that he’s been at it for quite some time--if you take side content (the wammy’s house comic, LABB) seriously, then he’s been at it since childhood, with unwavering interest. it definitely comes across to me as L having a special interest in detective work, rather than it just being a normal hobby or a job for him, especially since he says it isn’t out of any moral obligation.

germaphobia

Germaphobia is very common for individuals with autism. a lot of the time it’s actually sensory issues associated with “dirty” things, and a lot of the time it’s because features of OCD are heavily comorbid with autism, including contamination OCD and such fears. regardless of the reason, though, L’s aversion to touching Bad Things is a very autistic behavior, and so is his resulting quirk that he tends to hold things in a very odd manner!

muted emotional expression

this is getting more into L’s character, but L tends to feel and express emotions in a very muted way. not to say he doesn’t have them, but for instance in the example above, L doesn’t have a solid grasp on what exactly he’s feeling. he thinks he might be acting irrationally and overemotionally because he logically should be afraid, but he isn’t sure, and none of these emotions present themselves visibly. 

i’ve also seen it said that Ukita’s death is another good example of his muted response to emotion--he tells Aizawa to stay rational and his voice doesn’t waver as he tells him as much, but he holds himself tightly. for someone with poor emotional competence, these physical signs of distress can be hard to read in oneself, but Aizawa (a man who is extremely in-tune with his emotions) can tell immediately.

high logic, low empathy

L is also a character who, like many autistic people, lacks a certain degree of empathy. it’s not that he doesn’t have any, but it’s limited enough--and he values logic over it enough--that he’s willing to make extreme decisions and take a “ends justify the means” approach (such as using people as bait.) in the example above, L takes a moment to work through what it must actually feel like, which rings as very autistic.

bluntness/not caring about social convention

there are so many examples of this i honestly could list them all day, but L is a character who is very to-the-point and doesn’t care about mincing his words. he can be outright rude to the people around him, especially if he considers them not worth basic courtesy. see: Matsuda. 

DRAMAVERSE

if you all knew me you should have known this section is inevitable. i’m not going to talk about every single adaptation because i do not have the time and the only other adaptation that is meaningful in that regard is the movieverse (i am fairly certain that movie L is dyspraxic) but on account of the fact that i don���t care about them i won’t subject you all to them here.

anyway, drama L shows much the same traits as animanga L above (they are, after all, technically the same character) but he displays them in different ways. 

he has a much more advanced degree of germaphobia, with Watari saying he’s sensitive to outside air and spraying everyone who enters his space with disinfectant, but not making them wash their hands or anything like that, so we can kind of tell that his issues are more rooted, again, in a fear of germs rather than any actual medical issue. he wants to feel as though he is clean, not necessarily actually be clean. this is very common in contamination OCD, which has a high comorbidity with autism. (my girlfriend has a very good headcanon post about drama L and OCD that isn’t so much analysis than just plain fun, but it’s worth a read!)

he stims, but he has a different array of stims than animanga L--he chews on his jelly pouch bottles, 

he tosses it between his hands, 

he kicks his feet,

and he bounces in his chair.

he still sits in an unconventional manner. he still samefoods, this time even more exclusively--he only eats Lucky Charge jelly pouches and nutritional bars. Watari onscreen puts his shirts on for him, as well as cooking, cleaning, and mending his clothes for him.

however, there are a few traits that are drama-exclusive that i think really add to an analysis of his autism!

social scripting

social scripting and echolalic scripting are both commonly described as “scripting,” but are very different! echolalic scripting is like echolalia, but echolalic scripting is the recitation of longer passages of dialogue from things the individual has heard before. but social scripting is when you memorize common conversations so you can rattle it off without worrying too much! this can be very handy, such as exchanging basic pleasantries or ordering food, but it can also backfire if someone responds in a way your script’s not set up for. you can find more information on the difference in this video (3). 

now, this relates to L in that there are two separate scenes where L says the same thing, rather inappropriately:

L: When I consider Kira’s personality, could it be that the strong-willed daughter is Kira? Or could that sweet-looking son of yours surprise us by proving to be him? You never know what humans are hiding beneath the surface... Soichiro: Enough. L: Sorry. It was just a joke.

-- Episode 2

L: Light-kun. Oh, I’m sorry... If I called you “Yagami-san,” it would be the same as what I call your father.  Light: That’s okay. Call me whatever you want. L: Then what about Kira? (silence) L: It's a joke.

-- Episode 4

one could say that L just has a terrible sense of humor--and, of course, having a poor grasp of humor is common with autistic individuals--but the fact that he says nearly the same thing as a defense twice makes me feel as though he has it rehearsed as a defense when people react poorly to things he’s said, which happens often.

mirroring and echolalia

echolalia was briefly covered in the previous example, but for those unaware, via wikipedia (4):

Echolalia is the unsolicited repetition of vocalizations made by another person (when repeated by the same person, it is called palilalia). In its profound form it is automatic and effortless.

mirroring, on the other hand, is explained as such, also via wikipedia (5):

Mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. The concept often affects other individuals' notions about the individual that is exhibiting mirroring behaviors, which can lead to the individual building rapport with others.

both of these are very common in autism, and they’re exemplified while L’s character is established watching his favorite TV show, Owarai Paradise. On one occasion, he’s watching the show and this dialogue happens:

Hiroshi: Despite never telling her how I felt, I still got dumped. I am Hiroshi.  Watari: Who was this one again? L: He is Hiroshi. Hiroshi: I am Hiroshi. I am Hiroshi.

-- Episode 2

it’s important to note that in Japanese, “He is Hiroshi” and “I am Hiroshi” are said, at least in this instance, exactly the same, so L is echoing precisely what he’s heard.

On another occasion, L is again watching the show with a glass of wine (seemingly acquired simply to imitate the characters onscreen, as he never drinks it) and when the characters onscreen toast their glasses, L does the same, mirroring them. 

CONCLUSION

I linked a post at the very beginning of this analysis talking about how characters are unintentionally autistic coded, and it’s important to understand how this unintentional coding is different from a headcanon--i didn’t make up these traits. they aren’t something that only exist in my head that i ascribe to L for fun. 

i made this analysis both because i wanted to share L’s autistic coding in one cohesive place, because plenty of people have made lists before, but none that i could find that included so many examples with images and explanations--and i also made it because of the old ryuzaki persona “theory.” 

for those unaware, the ryuzaki persona headcanon suggests that L faked all of these traits in order to make people uncomfortable, to put them off-guard and better mask his identity. i’ve seen posts about people claiming that nobody could actually behave in these ways, that L would surely be unhappy and uncomfortable sitting like that, or eating like that, or engaging in any of these behaviors. I’ve seen some people outright say that L isn’t autistic, but his persona is--that is, he’s pretending to be autistic.

i named this essay “occam’s razor” because, to me, L being autistic is the simplest answer to account for all of these traits. claiming that an autistic coded character is faking it is ableist and it just doesn’t make sense with anything else we know about his character.

but if you want to know more about that, i recommend reading eyecicles’ first!L tag. it’s debunked it in more ways than i ever could.

anyways, in conclusion

[dearmyblank]

dear pretty boy,

I miss you. dropping you off for your flight back home broke my fucking heart. it's hard to believe there was ever a time we hadn't met in person. you're my home, J, 2,000 miles away or face to face. these last three weeks have been like a dream and your absence has brutally woken me up. 

as you know, I'm quite silent and unemotional in person. I am a girl of few words. this is a letter to put all my thoughts about our first meeting into the world, since I'm better at writing than I am talking.

I remember going to the airport, and just pacing. people probably thought I was nuts, but the excitement robbed me of my ability to contain myself. I had butterflies, and the rush of emotions made my anxiety higher. I had to take Xanax two times before your arrival. I didn't even see you. I was too busy arguing with my friend about how I didn't care about getting in trouble for running to you. she pointed at something, and I turned and locked eyes with you for the very first time. for that split second, the only thing I could think of was "holy shit, he's gorgeous in person". we embraced, and you told me you loved me at least 3 times. my whole body was trembling, and I felt dizzy. nothing felt real. I will forever remember our first encounter. I wish I could relive it.

my family took us to dinner, and I was so full of anxiety that you took me outside. it was raining. alas, we had a sweet few minutes of alone time. you kissed me, and held me until I felt calm. normally I need space when I'm on the verge of a panic attack, but your presence instantly made me feel safe. we went back in and we shared tacos. it all felt so surreal. you were actually with me. my heart could stop pining for you to be next to me.  

when we got home, we sat on the couch and put on the SpongeBob Squarepants Movie. my head was spinning. I was in so much shock, J. we didn't even watch the movie. I was pacing again. you watched me with your big dark eyes (which are, by the way, much more mesmerizing in person) and kept asking me if I was okay. when I regained some control of myself, we goofed off and you took my phone. I chased you down for it. at one point I was on top of you, and I was just kind of like "oh. this is nice". I then asked you if you wanted to go outside with me. it was pouring rain, and that's my favorite weather (as you know). we stood out there for a good amount of time. It was 2AM, and you looked so beautiful standing in front of me with raindrops in your hair. I don't remember what we said, but I know my heart was bursting with love and happiness.

when we came back inside I told you I had to go to bed. my parents didn't want us sleeping together. you suddenly became extremely sad. this is when I showed you the letter I wrote before we met. you kissed me, and asked if I could lie down with you for a few minutes. I couldn't resist. those eyes get me every damn time.

we cuddled in your room. we talked and one thing started leading to another. the tension was high and we made love. thank god I was on birth control. that aside, everything was passionate and felt amazing. you're so perfect. I know you complain about being too skinny, but there is seriously not a single flaw. after our scandalous behavior, we had more deep conversations. I felt no less than absolute bliss.

I soon left for bed, and saw you again the next day. this is when your mental illnesses kicked back in. your anxiety and depression. we left the double date with my friend early and went home. we laid in your bed. you started venting and crying. I cried with you and did my best to reassure you. you felt happy again, and I was content.

I want to take a moment to talk about your mental health problems. I knew a lot about your OCD before we met. you made sure to go into deep detail to aid me in understanding. however, I noticed a few things you did not tell me. over Skype, it sometimes sounded like it was echoing when you said things. in person, I realized it was you repeating what you said under your breath. sometimes you repeated things once, sometimes twice. I also noticed that when taking something out of the fridge or off the shelf, you never took the first one. always the second. you told me this is because 2 is a better number than 1. I also never realized how you only take your food out the microwave when it hits certain times, and how you count how many ice cubes go into your drinks. I'm sorry you feel that you must do these rituals. your anxiety makes you extremely tense. before meeting, you told me that whenever you close your eyes, you see vivid images of horrible things happening. you hear them every so often, too. I know it must hurt and be hard to tell the difference between reality and illness.

you told me that when you're with me, you stop counting. you stop seeing things and hearing things. this is truly amazing to know, even though it is temporary. I want nothing more than to help you through your problems and be the one to love you through them. I'm really fucked up too. being on the autism spectrum and having selective mutism, I hadn't said a word to my aunt and uncle for years. when we saw them, I somehow could speak and hold a conversation. you made my social anxiety vanish. it feels good to talk like a normal person. thank you.

I think we mellow each other out a lot. we make each other less insane and more sane. you balance me out in all the right ways and I feel so whole.

I believe that your soul is peaceful, loving, kind, and pure. everything just hits you so deeply. your mental illnesses turn you into a ball of worry, which is something I truly don't think your soul is. you are gentle. you strive for everyone to be happy. you always come from a place of understanding and heart. I wish I was more like that. I'm lucky to have you help guide me into being a more sensitive human being. please remember that when you are feeling grim, it is not who you are in your core and that you are never alone. I will always be here. you're extremely strong and can control your mind enough to be happy. I promise.

I think I've laughed more in our three weeks than I ever have in my whole life. the belly laughs. the kind where your stomach hurts but you still can't stop. it felt so good, pretty boy. you're not much of a laugher yourself but it seemed as if we were always doing it. when I was being a smart ass during sex, you told me "you're the best person to have sex with". it's crazy, how comfortable we are. you and I are birds of a feather. the connection and chemistry is painfully obvious and even my mom said we're soulmates. I'm going to miss our laughter and goofy moments.

you are my favorite person. you paid for a million ubers just to go where I wanted, bought me things I really loved, carried every bag, matched every outfit with me, got food wherever I wanted, walked to my school to pick me up, always told me to be safe when we were apart, held me whenever we slept together, asked me if I was happy/warm enough/hungry, and cried with me every time I was sad. you are so fucking good to me, and so beyond selfless. you always have been. your heart is golden and I honestly don't know what I did to deserve you. you're my favorite person because of your caretaker nature. your ability to give kindness to everyone you meet. you always took the time to talk to the people we came across. you asked questions that specifically related to them and always acted interested. you're truly special. not many people are as generous or as sweet as you are.

I also love how we're completely comfortable with each other. I'm still beautiful to you with frizzy hair, morning breath, and embarrassing pjs. you're still beautiful to me with acne ointment, messy hair, and stinky farts. I never worry about looking bad in front of you. we've seen each other at our worst, and still cannot find any real flaws. you're my best friend and my partner for life. thank you for loving me despite my insanity and bad hair/face days.

you left less than a day ago, and I'm sitting here with puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. even my mom cried when you got on that plane. I felt like I was abandoning you by leaving the airport. I can't stop crying. I know you'll be here in less than a month to see me graduate, but everything hurts. the pain is worth it, though. worth every kiss, hug, laugh, and cry. my 18th birthday is tomorrow. I'm going to spend it wishing you were still here. I didn't get to spend your 17th birthday two months ago with you, so I guess we're even. this is harder though. we hadn't met then.

I love you. I'm doing my best to be positive, as the distance will be completely over in June. 6 years of being 2,000 miles away will finally be finished.

remember, you'll never have anything to worry about. I'll always be yours, no matter what we go through. I'm in this for the rest of my life. you make me so fucking happy, and I will always want to do the same for you. you bring out my best and love me even when I'm everything but perfect.

I'm smelling the shirt you left me, it smells like sweet rain. I adore your scent. too bad this fabric is missing the bones I'm in love with.

you are my sunshine, my pretty boy, and my goose.

see you soon.

forever yours,

your insomniac/goose

[buffalowingsfortwo]

11/17/19 4:25 pm

ash to faith

im writing this on the 18th from my psychology class. very late and on brand.

yesterday i woke up at 6 am so i could work out and get fully ready before my family was going to leave for disneyland. when i woke up i wanted to die but as soon as i started moving i actually felt really great. i’ve always been very harshly judgemental of people who wake up early to work out, but i get it now.

my family chose to take 2 cars because we can never coordinate and we hate being around each other, so me and shelby and shawn left around 9:45 am. when we got in the car shawn and i argued about the music playing and then, because i was tired of fighting, i put on the main minecraft music because i thought it would be funny. it was up until we all got really tired and shawn knocked out in the back seat.

we got to disneyland and i don’t remember that much about the order things happened. after we parked we found out that paul put my wheelchair in the trunk but forgot the foot rests, so for the whole day, i had to keep my legs folded by my chest or sticking straight out. this led to me getting a lot more dirty looks than i usually do. shelby and shawn got really mad about it and kept yelling about how disrespectful the general public is to disabled people. i felt weird.

we met up with charlie who had put together an outfit with a striped button up and a weird purple blazer that made him look like a worker for haunted mansion. we went to disneyland first, and went on a couple rides and ate some food, and then toby threw a fit and said he had to be around charlie but refused to go on every ride. by 1 pm everyone was exhausted and on the verge of throwing him into the river of “it’s a small world.” we all got mean fast but he’s awful. as if he wasn’t enough, emily started throwing fits too because she only wanted mac and cheese from a specific place and then she changed her mind and wanted a hot dog and then that hot dog wasn’t good enough and she needed another one. while all of this was happening i thought a lot about how the adults have gotten less mean to their young children over time. child abuse is bad and shouldn’t happen but also me and shelby and charlie weren’t ever that bad. i think im probably a bad person but i also think it’s fairly normal for your siblings to be the main thing that makes you question your morals.

as i said, the order of events is a blur, so most of this will likely come out in the wrong order.

me, shelby, shawn, charlie, emily, and paul went on haunted mansion while my mom took toby out of the park probably so she could yell a few threats at him and convince him to get his ass back in there with a smile on his face. we went on the new big star wars ride, which is interactive, and for whatever reason, they split our group up pretty harshly, so i ended up going in a separate station with just paul and 4 other strangers. i still had fun. charlie wasn’t able to go on because toby was throwing a fit. my mom told everyone she wanted to ride pirates and she tried to talk toby and emily into it because it was her birthday. they threw fits. i said “toby, emily, when i was about 4 years old, i came here with my dad, and he said he wanted to ride pirates with me, but i threw a fit and said no. i never saw him again.” everyone, including my mom, but excluding toby and emily, laughed at this story because it’s the complete truth. unfortunately that didn’t convince them, so they sat out with the adults.

i think it was around that time that me and shelby and charlie and shawn went to california adventure. we took some pictures on everyone’s cameras. we rode 2 rides and were ride about to board screamin’ (in the front row, no less) when they announced that the ride was completely shut down and we had to leave. all the workers ran over to each other and looked panicked. a bunch of people were stalled on the ride. we still don’t know what happened, but judging by the reaction, i wouldn’t be surprised to hear someone died. i think we went back to disneyland then.

we went on a couple rides and got coffee because me and charlie were crashing and were given toby and emily after a couple hours because toby wanted to do more with charlie. the adults were able to go on the rides my mom wanted to do but couldn’t with the kids. toby threw a lot of fits over everything that happened. everyone was angry and tired and i think it’s a miracle that me or shawn didn’t actually kill anyone.

around 10 or so, we found out from my mom that chynna was there with our nieces, as well as my grandpa gabriel. there was a small fight because of the strong lack of communication. chynna had to go right around then because work and school, so it became me, shelby, charlie, shawn, toby, emily, and gabriel. we got emily to go on a couple rides with us in fantasyland, but toby threw fits and gabriel stayed out with him. i texted my mom about how i couldn’t handle him, and she came to get him so everyone else could go on a few rides. she was tired of him, too.

after all of that, my parents left with gabriel and toby and emily. me and shelby and shawn and charlie debated where the line was drawn between autism symptoms and just being spoiled with no regards for the well-being of everyone else around you. we agreed that toby is just awful. we went on the star wars ride again so charlie could actually experience it, and we felt more relieved than we had all day. everyone was tired and everything hurt, though. we had to leave after that, and we were all sad to split up. we’re trying to figure out when we can see each other again.

on our way back to the car, i realized that diana (the not good one) had texted me. she wanted forgiveness. i wanted her to not be the shittiest person in the world. we argued, and neither of us could get through to the other. it ended somewhat sourly, and the situation’s only grown today. i hate a lot of people. i think a lot of people are very weak. i missed you a lot today because i thought about how well you would’ve supported me, and let me be angry, and how you don’t surrender your morals to please people. im really tired of people who can’t stand their ground or pick a side or understand that you can’t excuse mindlessly hurting everyone around you. there’s endless good in the world, but the amount of bad is still mildly suffocating. i don’t know. my stomach hurts. i want justice. i also want real food that’s not a churro or iced coffee. life is rough. this is a section that bleeds into today, but i don’t think it matters that much. i don’t think anything matters that much. im trying. that’s all that should count.

“the truth hurts worse than anything i could bring myself to do to you”

- i’ve got all this ringing in my ears and none on my fingers by fall out boy