#i put more anti infection cream on & now we just wait n see if i die i guess o(-<

[tamagotchikgs]

gamers i fear my arm is infected this might b the last of tamagotchikgs

[the-small-one-to-rule-them-all]

Dermatillomania

summary: (n)an impulse control disorder characterized by the repeated urge to pick at one's own skin, often to the extent that damage is caused. 

aka: Logan has Dermatillomania and is really insecure about it.

pairing: romantic Logicality

warnings: negative self talk, negative self image, manipulation (logan briefly remembers some stuff people have said to him to try to get him to stop picking), Please let me know if I missed anything!

A/N: credit to @onlytrueinparadise for the awesome fic idea! I have dermatillomania, so this came from a pretty personal space, like I cried writing this. It’s hurt comfort because that is my favorite. This gets super sappy guys, it’s not all sad I promise. I hope you guys, gals, and nonbinary pals enjoy it!

Logan sighs as he looks down at the scars on his legs and his face. He knows that he shouldn't be picking at every little bump he feels on his skin, but he can't help it. The thing he hates the most is how self conscious it makes him, not just picking in the first place, which attracts lots of unwanted social attention, but the scabs and the scars. He dreads the day that someone will see them all. He does his best to avoid it, but it appears that day may have come.

He is sitting at his desk working while Patton sits in his spare desk chair a few feet away coloring. He has been subconsciously picking at a scab on his ankle. It has been itching all day and he just can't help it

“Hey Logan, what’cha picking at? Your pants fraying? Do ya’ need a pair of scissors, kiddo?” Patton asks.

Logan blushes and quickly pulls his hand away from his ankle, “No thank you Patton. It was just an itch.”

“Oh, okay.”

A few minutes later Logan is picking at his ankle again.

“Itch still bugging you kiddo? I got some anti itch cream that will make it feel better.”

Logan shifts in his chair, putting his leg down, “Oh uh, no thank you Patton. I'm fine.”

“Are you sure? You know not to scratch an itch. If it’s bugging you that bad I figure the cream is probably a good idea.”

Oh no, Patt is gonna figure it out. He begins to worry but does his best to hide it. Being as calm as possible, he says, “I, uh, no... it;s fine. I appreciate it but, really. I'm good.”

“Logan.” Patton says in his stern dad voice.

Logan shrinks in on himself a bit as Patton stands and walks over to where Logan is seated at his desk. He sets the cream down on the desk and stands over Logan, waiting.

Logan groans, “Pat, really, I'm fine.”

“Then you won't feel bad about showing me your ankle.”

Realising that he can not get out of this Logan starts to truly panic a bit, though he maintains his calm facade well. “Fine.” He sighs lifting his ankle to it’s place aop his knee as he turns to face Patton. 

Patton frowns as he takes in the sight of the cut on Logan’s ankle.

Logan and braces himself for the worst, the memories of things people have said echoing in his ears.

“If you keep doing that you’re gonna make yourself bleed.”

“Can't you just leave your face alone?”

“Maybe it would be best if you could wait to do that in private, or use a tissue or something.”

“It’s going to get infected at some point”

“Stop, you’ll give yourself scars.”

“Don't you even want to stop picking?”

“Why don't you just try to stop?”

“Why don't you care?”

“We’re just trying to help you.”

Patton talks softly, “I thought you said it was an itch. Why did you lie to me?”

“I... I was embarrassed.” Logan admits.

“I don't understand.”

Logan sighs, “I have dermatillomania, a disorder where I compulsively feel the need to pick my skin. I have similar scars and scabs all over my legs and my face. I wear makeup to hide them, even though all the makeup does is give me pimples and make the need to pick even worse.”

“Is it always this bad?”

“This isn't even that bad.”Logan admits, “This one started out as a scrape from catching my foot on a screw on my chair, which I have since fixed. This is just me picking the scab.”

Patton nods, “Why don't I get you a bandaid? I'd much rather you pick at the bandaid than at that cut.”

Logan blinks, “You’re not going to scold me?”

“What?’ “You aren't going to scold me or tell me to just stop or to just do something else?”

Patton frowns, “Well I'm not super happy that you did it but you said it’s a disorder, and i'm sure it’s something your working on. Even if you aren't focused on trying not to pick i'm not going to yell at you for picking, that certainly isn't going to help anyone.”

Logan feels himself tearing up and hates that he’s doing this but is so overwhelmed that he doesn't know how else to respond so he just lets the tears fall.

“Oh kiddo, have people really been rude to you about this?”

Logan nods and Patton pulls him out of the chair and into his arms, hugging him tight. “I'm so sorry they said what they said to you Logan. You deserve so much better.”

Logan manages to get out a small “Thank you,” and Patton just holds him tighter, not sure what to say.

When Logan stops crying Patton has him sit on the edge of the bed and lovingly cleans his ankle and puts a bandaid over the cut. He even kisses the bandaid, “To make it feel better,” He insists.

Logan sighs and starts to pick at his face, both embarrassed and unable to fight the compulsion any longer.

Patton reaches up and gently grabs Logan’s hand and brings it down, away from his face.

“Would you show me your face love?”

“What do you mean? You are wearing your glasses and my face is right here.”

“Like without makeup.”

Logan freezes, “Uh... well.”

“I don't want to force you if you don't want to, but I want to help you understand that you are beautiful, scars and all.”

Logan is scared and doesn't want to but feels he should so he nods. 

Patton gets the makeup wipes from the bathroom. When he gets back he hands them to Logan. “Take your time love. You can do this at your own pace.”

Logan nods and starts wiping the makeup off, keeping his eyes closed and his head ducked down, hiding. As he finishes he sets down the wipe with a sigh.

Patton waits for Logan to lift his head, but he doesn't, “Lo?”

“Are you sure you want to see me like this? I'm ugly.” Logan mutters, hoping that maybe Patton will change his mind.

“Lo, you aren't ugly-”

“You can't say that, you don't know. You haven’t seen my face.”

‘Why would you be so upset if I saw your face right now? I know you are panicked about it, so run me through it, worst case scenario.”

Logan sighs, “What’s the point?”

“What would happen in a worst case scenario if you show me your face?’

Logan huffs, if Patton really wants to hear it then he will tell him. “Well, you are going to be disgusted and revolted by looking at me. Then you will grow angry at me for being unable to stop picking because they make you uncomfortable and you will grow to hate my scars.And no one wants to be uncomfortable around a significant other. So, logically you will want to break up with me because you don't want to be disgusted every time you look at me.  You will tease me about them and tell Virgil and Roman and Thomas about this and they will hate me too. Because how can I expect you all to listen to me when I don't even listen to myself? How hypocritical must I be... how arrogant, to think I should hold you to a higher standard than what I myself follow?” Logan has his head in his hands, crying.

Patton frowns and places a hand on Logan’s back, rubbing calming circles, “Thank you for telling me. I am proud of you for telling me about your fears, but love, is any of that actually realistic? Would I ever, logically, break up with someone because I didn't think they were aesthetically attractive? Do you think that my love for you is so shallow? That I would break up with you when we are both old and gray and wrinkled all over because we aren't conventionally attractive anymore? That i'm not in love with who you are?

Do you think that I don't love the way you stick out your tongue when focusing really hard on a project? That I don't love your intelligence and how smart you are and how you are so easily able to calm me down? That I don't love how kind you are and how gentle you are to all of us when you realise we are hurting and you are trying to help? You think I don't love your humor and your passion for your work and your love of psychology and space and how you just devour all the knowledge you can find? You think I don't love it when you share facts you found while researching that you either think I might like or that relate to something I love? You think I don't notice? 

Because let me reassure you, I love all those things about you and more. I fell in love with a man, not a body. No scars are going to darken the way your face lights up when you talk about something you are passionate about. Your scars do not make you hypocritical, they make you human. And I would argue that being human is a beautiful thing.”

Logan is still crying but he has calmed a little now.

Patton continues to rub Logan’s back as he calms down.

When the tears finally slow to a crawl and Logan feels he can speak properly again he smiles, “Thank you Pat. I... I needed to hear that.”

“Of course dear, I love you,”

“I love you too.” Logan mumbles.

Patton gives Logan a bit more time to collect himself and when Logan’s breathing has returned completely to normal he gently asks, “Would you let me see your beautiful face, Lo?”

Logan takes a deep breath and nods. When he sits up his eyes are closed.

Patton takes in Logan’s face, yes he has scars and scabs peppering it, but Patton finds he truly doesn't mind. He thinks Logan is beautiful. He resists the urge to scold Logan’s negative self-talk and instead he smiles and gently grabs Logan’s hand and whispers, “Wow, Lo. Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?”

Logan opens his eyes. He doesn't smile, but the side of his lip twitches upward a bit, just for a moment. Patton knows he doesn't believe him. 

He realises that he can't convince Logan that he is beautiful with words and verbal affection Logan-style. So he decides he will have to try to do it his way. He gently runs a hand over the scars and scabs on Logan’s face. 

He runs a hand through Logan’s hair leaving his hand holding the back of Logan’s head. He leans in slowly, giving Logan the chance to pull away and lovingly kisses one of Logan’s scars.

Logan squeaks and Patton kisses another and then another. Logan’s face turns bright red as he smiles and tries to hold back the squeaks each one brings.

Flustered, he pulls back a little, “While I by no means want you to stop, I still want to know what you’re doing,” he insists.

Patton smiles mischievously “I'm going to kiss every scar, scab, and spot you have until you know how beautiful I think you are.”

Logan will forever deny the sound he made when he heard that but he couldn't deny how loved he felt. As Patton leaned in to kiss him again, he realised, in that moment, he was unashamed of his face. And he thought to himself that, at least, if he wasn't beautiful, he was loved, and that was all that mattered.