#i personally find “gifted child burnout” memes really annoying i'm not gonna pretend i'm that meme

[eclaire-went-bam]

can we talk more about how npd can really crush your interests

like how is it, whenever i find someone else who likes what i like, i automatically feel attacked or defensive until i can wager in some way i'm more familiar with the subject than them?

unless i myself have instilled that interest in someone, but even then, if they end up liking it more than me, i feel equally defensive.

if someone says i like something bcs of them, i still get defensive.

if i have a talent due to something i have passion in, it is imperative to be better at it than everyone i know, to find the flaws in other people's skills (which can be useful to teach yourself but not so much when you're finding ways to believe you're better). to never spend time leisurely enjoying my talent, but to need to CONSTANTLY top my last record. nothing less is unacceptable. if someone's better than me, then Clearly i must quit growing this talent

if i have a hobby that people look up to me for, i easily turn something i once enjoyed into a steadily raising standard and if i can't constantly be better, i may as well give up before i lose ly dignity

i can hardly pick up new hobbies, because if i'm not good at something immediately, i risk humiliation. i can't be new at anything, because if i'm not perfect immediately, i feel like i'd rather die

if i enjoy or am good at something and nobody's recognising it, then what's the point?

it makes me feel like such a child.

i used to really like reading and writing. i was hyperlexic. early in elementary school, i got into the highest lexile bracket & read everything in the library. i was constantly reading things at home. between the ages of 11 & 12, my state reading scores surpassed about 98% of students my age, i had the reading score of someone in college. i was told i was my english teachers best writer & critical thinker (& i would get upset if i was one lf the best, not the best. there's no point in settling for next best). my creative writing teacher had told the principal about my writing. meanwhile i also liked maths, i easily finished all my work before everyone else without the use of a calculator, but nobody recognised me for it. i got in trouble for getting 0 points on homework i did, but forgot to have a parent sign. i didn't get any recognition for speedy work in comparison to my amab peers. because of that, i decided to not even try. i would much rather fail my classes than be seen as average or not quite good enough. this same attitude persisted throughout highschool. although i was praised for being one of the best writers, i got so tired. i stopped reading, i stopped writing. because somebody might be better than i am. my little sister was good at reading through elementary and middle. she wasn't as good as i was, but she grew up with a much healthier family than i had & she got regularly praised for this when i only had been by my school. i didn't ever try to exert how good i was at english i was too over herw i supported her, but it also made me feel resentful & i just stopped trying to enjoy reading & writing because what was the point anymore? i stopped being known as the person who always asked questions, because i'd met other people that were like that too. i've nearly quit art so lany times. i can't even play a noncompetitive game without competition, because if i'm not constantly getting better at something, if i falter once, it could be grounds for a crash. if i get anything below a 95%, if someone recieves a score higher than me on something i genuinely tried on?

it's much safer to not try & pretend you don't actually care about it, because at least then it's an issue of effort, not what i am and am not capable of doing

yadda yadda yadda having npd fucking SUCKS sometimes but also i'm not gonna pretend my home life & school didn't enable this