#i only stopped and reevaluated because it also made me freak out and quit cold turkey and then i slept for a full weekend.

[mothbeasts]

sorry everyone I need to get serious for a second. fuck qelbree it no joke ruined my life 💙 and also I hate psychiatrists (one psychiatrist specifically) (the one who put me on that medication)

[leefi]

Starira MBTI IV - Rinmeikan

Seisho

Siegfeld

Frontier

Tamao Tomoe: ISFJ

Bitches be like "can't help being an Si Dom!" *Fixates on a past inferiority complex and lets it define her worth until inferior Ne finally snaps and goes full rambo*

I’d put Tamao up there with Akira in terms of characters who have grown the most throughout the game’s arc (+ Maya if we’re including the anime). And you don’t really need me to tell you why. I find her so so relatable because she’s evolved from being a passive observer who feels as if she has no power or agency in her own life to flipping in the COMPLETE opposite direction and, well...going full rambo. She's shot way too far in the other direction, though, and risks burning up upon re-entry if she isn't careful.

Above all the edgelord, though, we know that she's a dork with a big heart who adores her school and friends. That commitment to preserving the past and those who came before her is such a gratuitously Si-dom thing, and we're all rooting for her because we can see how hard it is to go against her sweeter nature and take Kaoruko head-on. But that aux Fe and inferior Ne give her no breathing room to figure out what she's going to be doing after all of this - she's so focused on her mission and what she must achieve, and that single-mindedness slingshotting out of prior passivity is...so scary to see. It reminds me a bit of her extroverted xSFJ sister's arc in the anime - Nana.

Fumi Yumeoji: ISTJ

Now that I’ve thought about it more, her type is pretty clear. Some commenters on her PDB page made REALLY strong arguments for Fumi being an ISFP in a Te grip (Te, extroverted thinking, is ISFP’s weakest function - when they’re caught in its grip, they become overly critical of the world around them and turn into control freaks). But I feel like her Te is just too strong, even if she’s in a grip, for it to be her inferior. And, more importantly, I see zero Se in her. There’s no way it could be her auxiliary function. But I get why people think ISFP! She definitely has a ton of Fi - she left her bright future behind at Siegfeld because of it. She’d compromised a value extremely dear to her (her love for her sister!) in her stress, and that sin was so unforgivable to her that she abandoned Siegfeld completely. That screams Fi. But seeing how the other ISTJ in Revue Starlight (Junna!) uses her Fi, arguments for Fumi being one as well get stronger and stronger.

ISTJs have Fi as their tertiary function. And tertiary functions can be super strong, especially if she was caught in a Si-Fi loop! Here’s what an Si-Fi loop looks like:

“The ISTJ in this loop becomes hyper critical of past events and can see all of the negative things which have occurred and are likely to occur again. Seeing these negative patterns and past events becomes tied to the ISTJs emotions, which makes them fixate on these things and the fears they have of what might happen in the future. Normally logic would present itself for the ISTJ and cause them to reevaluate, but during their loop this becomes impossible...The ISTJ in this loop becomes hyper critical of past events and can see all of the negative things which have occurred and are likely to occur again. Seeing these negative patterns and past events becomes tied to the ISTJs emotions, which makes them fixate on these things and the fears they have of what might happen in the future.”.

Overall, Fumi is strict, incredibly hard on herself, and in a very stressful position for an ISTJ to be - but she also has some of the strongest values and inner sense of integrity in the series, and that can’t go understated.

Ichie Otonashi: ESFP

“Tamao...TAMAO…”

“What is it?”

“Doesn't it seem like Kiryuin-sensei is glaring at me?”

“She’s just looking at us.”

“YOU’RE LYING SHE’S DEFINITELY GLARING AT ME”

The “stereotypical partner” for ISFJs and ISTJs! While I wasn’t thinking about MBTI at the time, this was what I was referring to when I said that Ichie brings the light to Tamao and Fumi’s more serious personalities - they’re very lucky to have her around. Se-dominance shows up less in a jock-way like it does for the other Se-strong girls and more in Ichie’s lackadaisical and fun-loving attitude. She’s like a little puppy, excitable and eager to experience all that life has to offer her. Se-Fi means that she’s quick to get back up on her feet when things go wrong (just like her ExFP cousins Karen, Aruru and Lalafin), but don’t let her easy going personality fool you - she has a strong sense of values that she holds very dearly to her heart (auxiliary introverted Feeling), and we see that lash out when she’s the first to get truly, visibly angry and driven (loud Se dominance supporting passionate Fi aux with tertiary Te leading the charge) over the loss of the department (compare to Tamao’s quieter Si dominance supporting socially-conscious Fe aux with tertiary Ti withdrawing and mulling things over for itself before acting). There is sooo much to Ichie that I love that I’ve already talked about twice and feel like I’m being redundant at this point, haha. But she has such an inner fire to match that outer love and passion, it’s incredible to see. She really is like the sun.

Also - please see this tweet about Rinmeiki and the Rinmeikan seniors. It's such a succinct way of summarizing their worldviews.

Rui Akikaze: ISFP

We really see a more innocent side to Fi dominance with Rui - see how she doesn’t immediately pick up on the cold atmosphere at Rinmeikan during the early AA story because she’s just so excited about the Performance Festival (until Fe-user Yuyuko comes in and gives her a rude awakening). She’s really similar to her IxFP sibling Mahiru! It’s that shared unhealthy Fi not having confidence in her own capabilities that makes her project onto the girl she has a crush on (and not saying her crush is bad or not valid, just as there’s nothing wrong with Mahiru’s for Karen either - it’s just that she has a tendency to chase Tamao as this ideal because she hasn’t embraced herself yet when she really is a phenomenal person in her own right!). But it’s also that dominant Fi that fuels her passion towards catching up to - and keeping up with - (and eventually surpassing, but don’t tell her that) her senpai! It’s so, so strong! IxFPs are their passions! I see stronger evidence for Se over Ne aux, which is why I typed her as ISFP. When you compare her to her extroverted sister Ichie, you actually find quite a few similarities between the two! Rui’s passion and excitability shows up in albeit more awkward ways due to her introversion, but she’s just as powerful beneath the surface! There is so much light and fire there that I think even her senpais fail to pick up on - truly only Yukko so far has seen the full breadth of her potential (that’s the power of lesbianism). Like other Fi doms can tend towards being, Rui sometimes has an issue of getting stuck in her own head and being her own worst enemy (this is typically more common with INFPs, who are “dreamier” than their ISFP siblings, but it isn’t impossible for an ISFP to be feeling the same things). But like Mahiru and Kaoruko, there’s so much untapped potential that she’ll gain access to with time and support!

Yuyuko Tanaka: INTP

“If only I had the Magician’s knowledge...then it’d be so easy.”

Her inferior extroverted Feeling showing up when she and Rui talk in Arcana Arcadia is SO SO PREVALENT - Ne and Fe pick up on the actual dynamics of the situation much faster than Fi-dominant Rui, but that inferior Fe also struggles to communicate that change in a diplomatic way, and she ends up really scaring/basically bullying Rui. We also see it in her ardent refusal to be a burden and immediate initiative to put herself to work, in such a similar way to what I pointed out with INTP sibling LGY in my ORV post:

Yuyuko: We have to be the ones to shoulder it - Tamao-senpai, Fumi-senpai, and Ichie-senpai’s wish.

Rui: …!

Yuyuko: Our seniors have already been shouldering this dream. That’s why they can’t afford to carry you too!!

All of this is INTP inferior Fe. It's also why it was such a surprise to a lot of us when Yukko admitted she had feelings for her because, as I mentioned with Misora, IxTPs have a really, really hard time communicating what they’re actually feeling, even if they have developed Fe!

Yukko really is a hidden genius - she has such a talent for scriptwriting which was kind of easy to miss before AA because INTPs are the champions of being the literal best at a thing...then not advocating for themselves at all (I have to harass my INTP friend into letting me advocate for him all the time because THEY WOULD LITERALLY RATHER DIE THAN ASK FOR HELP). They aren’t really focused on prestige or gaining power like their INTJ cousins might be - what lights their fire is diving fully and wholeheartedly into their passions (like Rakugo), and everything else comes second. Stop distracting them with other things -- who cares if they haven’t eaten in eight hours. They want to keep focusing on their work! But if you catch them in their passions - or working towards anything they’re extremely invested in (like she is with making Rui the lead) - they are unparalleled strategists and geniuses. They throw themselves FULLY into the things they care about and easily become masters in their craft. INTPs are the classic example of asking a stoic person about their special interest and immediately seeing their faces light up (buckle in, too, because they’re about to launch into a two-hour lecture about it).

I’m not familiar with Rakugo so there isn’t much I can say with it, but dominant Ti-auxiliary Ne-tertiary Si is such a wonderful set of functions to have for scriptwriting or visualizing a story, so it’s no wonder that on top of her many talents, she’s already working with her seniors.

I also really love that she’s buds with Nana - they’re polar opposites, too (ESFJ/INTP), and having Fe-dominant Nana to advocate for her talents and genius is really going to help her shine in the future! If they teamed up with Michiru and Misora I think the four of them would be able to take over the world in about twenty minutes.

[gobigorgohome2016]

Training Cycle Recap

I made it!  

Truthfully, I think everyone’s “A” goal for any race should be to make it through the training cycle - and to the starting line - healthy, happy, and emotionally prepared to race.  We put so much emphasis on time goals that we rarely see the big picture:  just getting to the starting line is a feat within itself.  

Without a doubt, this training cycle has been my best since when I hit my OTQ.  When I look at the big picture, that is. In October, I didn’t really have the US half champs on my radar as being my *big* race.  I thought it was going to be cross country, and I put the 15k and half champs on schedule figuring if I had a good race at xc and subsequently ran at worlds, I would cross those two off my list.  

But, if I look back I see now how Houston, xc champs, and the 15k were all key components in making this entire training cycle something really special for me.  I have learned so much about myself, my needs, my strengths, and my weaknesses that I would be content to say this has been my most successful cycle yet.  

Mileage Consistent, high mileage is kind of my jam.  But, consistent high mileage without quality does not a great runner make.  I topped out this training cycle with a few 95/96 mile weeks while balancing high-quality track work.  My highest mileage week ever is 115, so it was a little on the “low” end for me, but I think it was important for helping me develop consistent leg speed in the 4:40 - 5:10 speed range.  

I looked at the last 6 months (this training cycle started at the end of October), and I have run just over 2,000 miles.  Even though I thought this was a period of “low” mileage, it’s only ~70 fewer miles total than during the 6 months leading up to the Houston half in 2016, where I ran my PR.  A big difference between that cycle and this cycle is that I now incorporate strength work, core, and track work, whereas before I was exclusively doing marathon pace and 10k effort.  

Since the end of November I have been above 75 mpw, and with only a few exceptions, I have completed a 20 mile long run every weekend since December 11th.  This cycle has definitely balanced my strengths (high mileage, 20 mile long runs) with my weaknesses (being comfortable at top-end speed) quite well.  

Best/Worst Workouts It seems like cheating to say that a tempo was one of my best workouts of the cycle, since tempos are my bread and butter, but I would definitely say that my 5 mile tempo the Thursday after the 15k champs was one of my best of the cycle.  I was TIRED but I still cranked out 5:27 pace for 5 miles on crushed gravel, on a moderately windy day, to run 27:14. 

My best non-tempo workout was probably my final 400 m or mile repeat workout.  A few weeks ago I did 6 x mile on crushed gravel in 5:12, 5:09, 5:12, 5:09, 5:09, 5:07.  That was definitely out of my comfort zone.  I also did 10 x 400 m in 72, 72, 72,72, 72, 72, 72, 72, 71, 70 on a stupidly windy day.  Actually, all of my track work has been in 12 - 20 mph wind, and I’m kind of ready to never do a track workout in wind again.  

My “worst” workout was 5 x mile on the track on a windy day.  I couldn’t get under 5:25 to save my life, and i think my slowest repeat was 5:35.  It definitely made me question whether some of my other workouts had been a fluke, but later that week I ran a great fartlek so I got over it.  

Lessons So many.  

I’m still learning how to balance my life in the best way possible.  A lot of people wonder why I just don’t get a “real” job now, take some time away from high level training, and come back full speed right before the trials. 

For me, this period in between qualification windows is the “off-season.”  I am nowhere near as good as I want to be, but I know that the only way to get there is to train as if I already am.  I might lose this opportunity tomorrow.  Everyday I hear about friends who are diagnosed with terrible diseases, who one day wake up and decide they no longer want to run, or for who life just simply got in the way.  Of course there have been times where I have questioned what I am doing, and why, but ultimately this training cycle was a good one for reminding me that I have been given an incredible opportunity and I don’t want to waste a single day.  

I also learned an important lesson that I never in a million years thought would have applied to me:  I don’t eat enough to sustain my training. 

I think my low point, in terms of energy and recovery, came right around the xc champs.  I didn’t feel great at that race, but i think it’s safe to say that no one did.  I recovered terribly.  I had to take two weeks of no workouts because my legs just couldn’t handle it.  I didn’t get my period that month. 

Also during that time I went into post-big race mode and Dave and I ate out quite a bit.  Every time I ate more than normal, I would have a great run the next day.  I started putting the pieces together that I needed to reevaluate my needs.  I began tracking my calories and macro/micro nutrients and realized I was severely under-fueling.  This was by no means purposeful, but when you’re working out 2 - 3 times per day and have dietary restrictions it’s just going to be tough.  

With a few adjustments I started feeling better than ever before.  Initially I gained weight, which, truth be told, freaked me out a little bit.  However, I value performance far more than a number on a scale, and the best workouts of my life came at my highest weights.  My period also got back on a 28 day cycle.  

Another lesson is that I drink too much caffeine.  As much as I want coffee to be part of my pre-race routine, it simply cannot be.  I perform MUCH better when I drink green tea.  I have found that when I drink coffee, I can’t get my heart rate up.  I think this is actually perfect for long runs, but not so good for when I’m trying to run an all-out effort.  

About 3 weeks ago I was struggling again with inflammation.  The scale was creeping up every day, and I had gained ~4 lbs in a week and my body/legs felt lousy.  I couldn’t figure out what I was doing differently.  Then, I thought about my daily routine:  no water, just black tea, green tea, or coffee ALL DAY.  In a typical day, I have 4 cups of coffee or ~8 - 10 cups of tea.  I stop drinking caffeine around 7 or 8 PM.  I decided to see what would happen if I drank just one cup of caffeine in the morning, and then only drank water the rest of the day.  Within 3 days I was back to my normal weight and feeling a lot better.  I later read that there are compounds in coffee and black tea (catechins, I think?) that, while healthy, still require ~1 gallon of  water to flush entirely from your liver and kidneys.  I kind of wonder if I was overdoing it with the tea/coffee to the point I was dehydrating myself.  Fortunately, I didn’t have any caffeine withdrawals, and honestly don’t feel like I *need* caffeine to get my day going. 

I tried to nap more during April, but realized that napping just doesn’t work for me anymore.  If I nap during the day, I can’t fall asleep at night and wind up going to bed after midnight and waking up at 9 or 10.  If I don’t nap, I fall soundly asleep at 10:30 and am up at 7:30, which I much prefer.  I used to nap a lot before I took my food sensitivity test, but the changes in my diet have either caused me to be less tired (fatigue is a sign of food sensitivities), or the timing just correlated with me being better able to handle my training/work load.  

Races I race quite a bit, and this training cycle definitely was a reflection of that.  

November - Turkey Trot 10k, 35:35, 1st place, 5:43 pace I was bummed because the year prior I had run 35:20, but that’s kind of a dumb thing to worry about, in retrospect.  It was a good rust buster. 

December - Resolution Run 5k, 17:19, 1st place, 3rd OA, 5:34 pace I really wanted to break 17:00 but it wasn’t in the cards on a super cold/windy day.

January - Houston Half, 1:16:43, 18th place, 5:51 pace I was irrationally bummed that on a day with 96% humidity and strong winds I didn’t run faster.  Again, hindsight is 20/20. 

February - XC Championships, 38:06, 20th place, 6:07 pace I was disappointed.  Lots of travel for what felt like a missed opportunity.  Had I run ~12 seconds faster I would have qualified for a championship race in FL. But, this race sparked a turning point for my season.  

March - 15k Championships, 52:49, 17th place, 5:39 pace  I went into this race with a different plan:  go out hard and hold on.  I went through 5k in a PR (16:58), and 10k in a PR (34:42), and held on the final 5k.

April - Spring Into Fitness 10k, 34:26, 1st place OA, 5:33 pace This was my final tempo of the training cycle.  Very happy with this, especially considering the huge hills (my 5th mile was 5:55 due to one climb!)

I noted that I thought xc was a turning point for me.  After this race, I met with my coach and we talked training.  He helped me identify a few adjustments that needed to be made:

-no less than 4 hours between runs (I was especially bad about this when daylight was scarce) -more top-end speed work -more balance in my training plan

I also identified a few areas of my own that needed adjustment, particularly a sense of guilt I had been feeling towards my training.  I had fallen into a rut of doing things that left me feeling guilty at the end of the day.  For instance, deciding not to do my 2nd run of the day, eating half a tray of peanut butter bars that I knew for a fact were made with soy, not getting enough sleep, etc.  I would justify these things as, “if this ONE instance derails my training, then I’m doing something wrong” but, to be honest, all of those “one” instances were starting to add up.  One week of 5 less miles isn’t going to make or break me.  But, when I was doing it 3 weeks in a row and suddenly I’ve lost 15 miles of training, that does matter over time.  The peanut butter bars aren’t a big deal, except when I can’t finish my run because my stomach cramps are too bad and I know there isn’t a bathroom nearby, because Indy has no public restrooms (a topic for another day).  Happens once?  whatever.  But it was becoming a habit that I needed to break.  

I decided no more guilt.  I'm not going to lie and say “no more guilt” meant that I broke free of mental constrains and blah blah blah.  But no, no more guilt meant I woman’d up and just stopped behaviors that I knew were detrimental.  I feel like many people will want to read something like, “I worked out less, ate more sweets, and saw the best results ever” but that wasn’t my reality.  

Injuries/Illnesses Part of what made this training cycle so successful was a relative lack of setbacks.  Since October, I have  taken 9 total days off:  2 because I was sick, 2 for travel to/from Oregon, 2 for an Achilles issue in December, 2 for a plantar issue in March, and the other was when my mileage was low and I didn’t need the extra training day.  

My achilles issue was promptly taken care of by my massage therapist. 

My foot issue was a little more stubborn.  I was actually pretty concerned I had a neuroma or a stress reaction, but again my massage therapist saved the day and it turned out to be some tightness in my plantar that was causing pain near my 2nd metatarsal.  This issue affected me for about 2 weeks before and after the 15k championships.  My foot actually went numb with about 2 miles left in that race, which had me convinced I had a nerve issue.  Ultimately, I think I wore a pair of running shoes about a week too long.  

In contrast, my last training cycle probably went a week too long.  I stood on the starting line at the 10 miler with a really bad back, and that course beat me up.  Prior to that was the trials, where I was in massive denial about the things my body was experiencing, particularly in my entire right leg.  I’m even healthier than I was before the Twin Cities marathon, when I had a slight hamstring and IT band issue.  

Taper My taper for this race has been going really well.  In high school we didn’t call it taper, we called it “peaking,” which I much prefer.  I don’t drastically cut my mileage.  I ran 96 miles two weeks ago, last week I ran a total of 79, and this week will be ~60 with the race and nothing on Sunday.  The majority of my “taper” comes from less volume on workout and long run days.  Otherwise, I still run the same, just maybe a mile or two less.  

Goals My goal is to PR on Saturday (sub-74:03).  I am ready.  When things get tough in the race I want to remind myself to be a gritty bitch and to run as if I’ve already achieved my ultimate goal, which is to break 2:30:00 in the marathon.  

What’s Next? Remember how I’m actually a marathoner?  Well, I will be making a return to the marathon in December!  CIM is hosting the US Marathon Championships, so that will be my first 26.2 since the trials.  I also plan to race the 20k and 10 mile championships in the fall, and will do the Monumental half as my tune up.  I am not-so-secretly hoping to dip under 73 minutes at Monumental so that I can just knock my trials qualifier out of the way.  My goal at CIM will be to go under the (yet unannounced) A standard.  

In the immediate future, I’m looking forward to a bit of a break.  I have been grinding since last May without more than a week off from training, which I took in October after the 10 miler.  I will take two weeks completely off, and so far we have the following things planned:

-short vacation post-race on Saturday/Sunday.  Dave and I are trying to make a memory in each of Indiana’s 92 counties, so we are going to knock off 5 this weekend with casino visits, lunches/dinners at new restaurants, and a trip to Clify Falls.  Other things include: -bike ride to Graeter’s for ice cream -Fogo de Chao for lunch -coffee festival -no nutrient tracking, going to bed early, limiting caffeine, or eating kale -deep clean our house (this only happens during breaks) -eat all the pastries at the farmer’s market -drink all the beer that has been in my fridge for months -go to Burger Haus -eat the JB burger at Big Woods -start my container garden -binge watch Golden Girls

My vacation starts today and I am excited.  I am nervous, in that way you get nervous when you know you’re about to do something hard but you also know once it is over you will feel the most amazing sense of satisfaction.  I am excited to see what my body is capable of.  I am excited to be faced with that opportunity during a race to either give in or push, and see what all of the training I have done outside of my comfort zone allows me to do.  I know that I am on the brink of a breakthrough, and while there are no guarantees that the breakthroughs happen on the day that you want, I know that I have trained to the point that even a bad day will be better than a previous bad day.  I am going to stand on the starting line on Saturday with no watch, no real race plan, and no expectations, other than knowing that my legs and my competitive fire will not let me down.