#i only started tracking my reading in november of 21 so i can’t do any before then

[i-dont-fucking-know]

my reads 2024 :)

[lwt28brave]

LT2 masterpost

If it was up to me, we would get an autumn or winter EP. Since it’s not up to me at all, here, enjoy this post with everything we know so far of LT2, which is to say, not much at all. Everything here is hypothetical. I’ll be updating every time I see something relevant. A little disclaimer that while this is a masterpost (kinda), it could be read as discourse (duh, it’s also a theory), AND it’s also by me, and you shouldn’t expect me to be serious at this point.

Due to me restraining myself, there’s no reference to any of the times he’s mentioned his guitar skills and him improving but I hope you know I cried every single time.

I’m also linking my old pinned here. It was written before AFHF and around the free merch thing that didn’t lead to much, but I still think I made some good points.

Possible tracks:

Copy of a Copy of a Copy

Change

Faith in the future??

369??

Possible names:

369

Faith in the future

When is the album coming out?

Your guess is as good as mine

Friday 28th of January 2022. Almost two years after Walls. It’s a Friday. It’s a 28th. What else can I say?

Here you can find @want-to-be-loved timelines for every month.

Here you can find @berlinini’s timeline of what Louis has been up to this year (2021).

The rest is under the cut. And here you can find a PDF version where Tumblr can't tell me how many pictures I can add.

2020

He said back on May 2th 2020 he wasn’t writing anything new yet.

(x)(x)(x)

Interestingly enough, he’s said many times after that that the album’s not ready cause he has no new experiences to drawn from. I won’t call him out because he does it himself.

May 4th. He liked a tweet from DMA’s Johnny Took saying they had to go write together again. Louis has been credited as an influence for them and (kind of) participated in their previous record, so I’m assuming he meant for their music and not his, but you never know.

Nothing(literally nothing??? how did we survive) until 11th of July. We all know what happened that day. We all celebrated it. Nonetheless, that’s not what I’m talking about here.

(x) So, by the beginning of July 2020 he was working on concepts and ideas for the new album. That was fifteen months ago. I know perfection takes time but…

Brief summary of important things that happened from then until the next mention of new music:

Louis left Syco!!!! 10 days later he rescheduled the tour for the first time. He followed Matt Vines on Twitter, probably so we could publicly shame him into doing something. Also, the 10thanniversary. He followed more people I wish he hadn’t.

Then more nothing until September. Not even a single tweet. The first merch drop was on the 28th of August but he just RT’ed the tweet. He first mentioned Free my Meal on the 25th of September. Then on October 1st Walls hit #1 on a lot of countries and Louis was incredibly happy and excited about it ^^

And then, that same day, October 1st, 2020, he dropped this bomb:

(x)

He also said it was too soon to be sharing new lyrics with us (x)

And, obviously, this tweet which is actually what made me start this whole post. I would hope you know mate.

(x)

He also told us he was cooking "banger after banger" and that he was incorporating more social themes into his music (x)(x) (I believe any social issue is a political issue but that’s not the point rn).

COPY OF A COPY OF A COPY?!?!

These next paragraphs are brought to you by my mind not remembering things and me not having any links. I’m assuming COACOAC came from those writing sessions that supposedly happened in October. Or in LA but I have no idea if he actually was in LA at any point other than a Daily Mail article putting him there on December which would have been too late, but I do remember that someone said he was in the studio in LA last autumn???? A rumor. Maybe. IDK. Did I mention already all of this is very hypothetical?? Well, this is it. I can’t even remember if this was October or November or what. So, take this with a grain of salt.

I’m also… taking the liberty to assume, if you must, that Copy wasn’t meant to be a Walls reject because it sounds more mature and darker and it has a vastly different tone that Walls songs. I know he’s said that song probably isn’t getting into the album, but I want to have faith (in the future) that I’m getting a studio version. (But also, Louis, if you’re reading this, first of all GET OUT OF MY BLOG second of all, please don’t ever feel pressured again to add a song to the album because we have already heard it before. It’s your art and it should always be under your own terms).

So yeah, I believe that Copy is either one of those four songs (then imagine the other three??!!) or was written around the 1st of October date.

---End of the Intermission---

Then not much important (other than sharing more about Marcus Rashford fight against food poverty and the 2nd merch drop) until he announced the livestream on the 24th of November. (x)

It wasn’t until a few days before the livestream date we even thought again about new music (jk, I know we’re always thinking about new Louis’ music). So, December 9th/10th, 2020. Nine months ago. We got our first taste of new music!

He made sure we knew Copy of a Copy of a Copy isn't a cover! (x) (x)

(x)

Ok, so that’s it for 2020. (I feel like I’m missing something from September 17th because tweet was deleted but maybe he was still talking about cucumbers. We might never know. Unless I understand how Tumblr tags work). Expected, cause Walls was released in 2020. We needed to let it sit for a while.

2021

Another Summary: Louis third tweet of the year was telling the UK government off. So was the fifth. What a good beginning. On the 26th of January, he said he prefers pancakes over waffles. I hope he meant pancakes other than his own. More importantly, he tweeted the infamous “you lot read into things too much”. Don’t get me started, Tomlinson. Don’t. Then the 31st came around and Walls was one. He tweeted this. How wise. And Project Defenceless happened!!

15th of February!! Who cares about Valentine Day when the next day we got this? ♥

(x)

(x)

So…AN EP?? AN EP?? PLEASE RELEASE AN EP.

“I’m sure I will have something out this year but unlikely that will be the album”. Unlikely but not impossible. Also. A single would be good. This is the second time he mentions releasing something in 2021 and he sounds surer about it than the first time around.

He also said that he isn’t sure we will get a studio version of Copy. And that the best bridges from Walls to LT2 are Walls, OTB, KMM and Copy. Can’t wait!

Then we jump to March 6th when he announced he was going to create his own management company. “Sometimes action is needed first to encourage the motivation and belief”. As we can tell he was already manifesting some stuff which will lead us to the numerology stuff/Tesla… kidding. Or not. We might never know.

On the 22nd of March he answered some questions:

He told us music was still his main focus ♥ mwha. (x) I included this tweet to guilt-trip him into giving us music in case he’s reading this even after I told him to leave. ILY.

(x) I’d love to get a visual EP this autumn. Just saying. It sounds like a lovely concept.

(x)

…next (I will get into it, I promise. I’m just mad).

On the 25th he left for Mexico until April 10th. You could assume it was just for the documentary where we got ten seconds of footage or admit the obvious: LT2 its a Mexican baby!!

On the 26th (so, not so far apart from that first 369) we got the first Faith in the Future mention: (x)

Back then we were innocent people who had no idea what was coming upon us. We still have no idea because what the fuck does he mean with these. Please explain. I have one braincell and I don’t use it enough for this. I’m linking some theories.

On the 30th of March he confirmed he was already working on the documentary. So AFHF was already on the works. Will it take this long for us to get the Veeps numbers? We also got this tweet: "Got a decent chorus idea down" (x).

Same person that got the “something out this year” exclusive. If you know something share with the class. Also. Is this Change? I feel like this could be Change but I also assume he wrote Change after hanging out with his friends or being in Doncaster. But who knows.

(x) And the second mention to 369.

(x) 15th of April. The second "Faith in the future".

On the 19th of April he announced that he had something BIG for us later on the year which turned out to be the Away From Home Festival ♥♥ (x) I love him so much.

Then on the 28th he announced the 369 merch drop (which it’s probably the Walls drop? Except that the TOU and KMM ones were “drop 1 and drop 2” and this was drop 369 which, again, makes no sense) but we still don’t know what 369 means.

Into May’ 21 we go.

He rescheduled tour again. And dropped another bomb (x).

He announced he has signed with BMG as an independent artist by RTing this tweet on May 10th. The article also says that he’s already working on writing and recording LT2. The timing… we don’t know. What this deal involves… we don’t know either. Bear with me here because I have a lot to say about this.

I think the deal is only a distribution one, but that BMG are interested in Louis and what he (us) could bring to the table. They were either present at the festival or watching it, but officially they had no involvement at all with it (everything is credited either to Louis own company, 78 Productions, or Charlie Lightening’s company). That’s the case for both giveaways too; the vinyl one and the tickets for the festival.

I think it would be an unbelievably bad move not to test the waters with BMG now or soon-ish. At least a single, to see how it performs. Due to the circumstances, it’s obvious there’re certain limitations on place but I want to see how they push it, whether the radio play exist this time around and if the song is playlisted and promoted and all that… I would also love to know, since it says he signed with BMG UK, but it also states it’s a global deal, how things are going to go on the US and other countries.

Yes, yes. I know those are all questions and no answers. But I know the same as you, sadly. If any of you know more than you’re letting on… again, share with the class.

Where was I? Yes, on the 25th of May Louis had a great day writing (x). Since the first time he had mentioned he was officially writing to this date there’s almost eight months. And I believe he was writing before October’ 20.

He followed Robert Harvey that day and, on the 28th of May (why is it always the 28th???) he was spotted at the studio for the first time.

June was an interesting month for the fandom ♥. Lots of LHL content which I will love and cherish for the rest of times. On June 4th, June 9th, and June 10th he was spotted at the studio, but I believe he was there more days.

(x)

This was posted on June 6th and captioned Studio. Charlie also shared it with “Mega tunes being put down, can’t wait for this @louist91 #louistomlinson #LT2” as the caption. This gives me 2019 (Elton-Joint) vibes. I like it. Feels like we’re getting closer to something.

He added the Milano date on the 9th too which I’m mentioning because I’m going alone. Anyone wanna go with me please? I’m nice and I never eat anything before a concert so you can have my food. On other news. It didn’t come home.

During July he was at the studio at least three days too. Probably more. Feels like more with all the fan pictures we got. Or was that June? Anyway, July 1st and 9th we got some videos from Robert Harvey and wearesuperhi, which is who Louis has been working with the most, that we know of. I don’t know for sure they’re from that day. And on July 5th we got an article and lots of pictures of Louis looking really good outside the studio.

On the 12th of July the first fans started getting the free, 369 bucket hat and print. We still don’t know what the purpose was other than to thanks fans. Maybe that was it. I want answers and I still think it relates to a future project (see theories above), but it could also just be a bridge with the Walls breaking.

He didn’t tweet about anything interesting for a while, mostly because he lost his phone (he either throwed it in the air or smashed it who knows). Then on the 29th of July he announced the festival!

I’m glossing over it because there’s already been a lot of talk about it (rightfully) and while it was a wonderful thing, it doesn’t have much to do with LT2.

Let’s talk Change!

On August 3rd he tweeted this about the setlist.

(x)

And this (x) on the 28th! I can’t stand him.

We didn’t get it, obviously. Because who was going to get that. But we read too much into things. Alright.

On the 16thof August Dave Gibson shared this post tagged #LT2 with the eyes emojis 👀👀👀. I believe this has to do both with Change but also with whatever else came out of that Mexico trip.

(x) Last relevant tweet related to LT2 is this one.

So, on the 30th of August we got Change and we cried, and we know that Change is going in the new album. He said it. With those exact words. He also said he was “getting a feeling for it”. This has to meant he already has a general idea of the vibe of the new album and what’s going in it!!!!!! (Right? RIGHT?).

Anyway, let’s go back a few weeks because some other things happened on August. He was at the studio a few more times. Or it was suggested that he was there. On the 17th and the 18th. (Why was it so time-pressing to be at the studio instead of rehearsing for the festival? There was no studio at all on the documentary. Which makes sense, but again, then why?).

On the day of the festival we got another mention of Faith in The Future that made me feel part of a cult ngl. The words were flashing on the screen for less than a second. Okay.

And then he tweeted those words again after watching the livestream/documentary on the 4th of September (x). This is what makes me suspect it's either the name of the album or of the single.

On the same day, we got some interesting quotes about LT2 on the documentary.

“Soon I’ll have to think about me second album, which in my head I’ll get the tour out of the way and then I’ll address that. So, I hadn’t really given it much thought, to be honest”.

“When every day is the same is hard to feel creative and it’s hard to have any kind of proper inspiration”.

“As season started to come back, I started writing again and it was great and some of these songs turned out alright”.

And I think this is it. I might be overlooking some important details but that’s what we know and what we don’t know.

So. Conclusions. That’s what you missed on Glee. I do believe the album is, if not mostly done, partially there. And yes, this post is pointless and never-ending but it’s all in here if you need to tell Louis “Hey, you said this, mate”.

[lokidiabolus]

Last Resort - chapter 1

Fandom: The Maze Runner

Pairing: Thomas x Newt

Warnings: ex boyfriends, AU

Summary: Three years after breaking up with Thomas, Newt finally thought the past of hating each other was behind them, until Thomas asked him for a favour - pretend they got back together for a week while staying at his parents' home. Because it was an absolutely dumb idea, Newt was inclined to refuse, but then found himself in the house he used to visit when he was in love and happy and the bitter reality of only pretending for people he always liked made him miserable. But it was nothing against dealing with Thomas himself for a week straight and trying not to fall back in love that hurt them both.

Or: Prompt ch. 192 with added spice. Or something. I just needed to write for a while :')

Can be found on Ao3.

Notes: Hi! I was really into writing something, like really, really hyped, but then couldn't find anything that would make me go "yaaas!". So I thought of just giving up, until I somehow vaguely recalled I wrote this small one shot about two exes falling back in love in parents' house, and just sort of thought: oh yeah. Angst, good. Could add some horny. Good. Let's try. So here we are. Trying. It's not exactly deep or anything. I just needed to get this out of my system :') And it's not like I can't write anything else but AUs... ha.

Unbetad!

Sometimes Newt felt like the world was against him in literally any kind of situation. Once he decided to commit to something, a sudden force worked against him immediately, completely ruining the plan, or at least derailing his confidence in it. For about a year he thought that maybe it was the Universe giving him signs, for another year it felt like a karmic backslash and this year he settled on the fact he was just being despised by whatever higher force was in charge.

Although last year wasn’t as bad, really, until November 12th on dot. If it was about to be documented anywhere, he was just getting out of his shower, quite sleepy already, in rather calm, peaceful mood, once his phone dinged with a new message and he, without knowing the consequences of reading it, opened it. Even though it had Thomas as a sender - he thought later it should have deterred him from ruining the night for himself. Yet, his stupid lizard brain just clicked on it, blissfully unaware.

ThomAss - [23:14] – This is a life-or-death matter, you HAVE TO help me out D:

Newt - [23:15] – HAVE TO even.

ThomAss - [23:16] – YES. Please. I’m ready to beg too, that’s how desperate I am!

Newt - [23:17] – Hmm. Tempting. On your knees?

ThomAss - [23:18] – It’s negotiable.

Newt - [23:19] – Might think about it. Go on.

ThomAss - [23:20] – I need you to come home with me. I mean to my parents’ home.

Newt - [23:21] – What…?

ThomAss - [23:22] – It’s an emergency. They’re being persistent, so I need to bring somebody over.

Newt - [23:24] – I don’t follow?

ThomAss - [23:25] – Somebody I’m dating, that is.

Newt - [23:26] – Yeah, no.

ThomAss - [23:27] – Pleaaaaaaaaaase! T^T

He refused to admit he was fuming when he tossed his phone on the mattress and ignored how it beeped several times with new messages. There was no bloody way he’d go all smiling into Thomas’ parent’s house and pretend they were dating when they broke up three years ago in bad blood and it took them over two years to recover enough to be able to at least talk in a civil way. Sure, these past few months were sort of… better than the rest, though Newt didn’t really know if there was a reason, or they just let go of the grudge.

Well, partially let go, at least Newt’s was still lightly festering sometimes, on bad days when he was stupid enough to let his guard down and remind himself of it.

His phone beeped three more times and then the silence of his flat got sliced to pieces by the obnoxious ringtone he put in spite to Thomas’ contact two years ago. They weren’t calling each other, so there was no way he’d hear it at any point back then, but now, when the sound filled his home, he had a fleeting thought of smashing the phone to pieces instead.

“I said no,” he answered anyway, cold enough for Thomas to definitely get shivers on the other side of the line.

“Newt, please, I beg you,” Thomas didn’t even bother with greetings and whined like a five-year-old. “You can’t possibly be that cruel, can you?”

“Minho,” Newt gritted out. “Why not him?”

“He’s in England! Drinking tea! He’d throw me off the Big Ben if I interrupted his super-secret-date-everybody-knows-about!” Thomas responded frantically and Newt pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

Fine, he had a point, probably, Minho would rage at him if he tried to drag him back shit like this. He planned the totally-not-a-date for months, never introduced the person and then disappeared. Everyone knew why, but they didn’t know to who.

“Teresa.” Another possibility, and Thomas’ groaned into the speaker.

Oh, so he already asked her, and she turned him down. Not to mention…

“Brenda?”

Another groan.

“For fuck’s sake,” Newt had to force himself not to throw the phone against the wall. “Have you literally asked everyone and I’m the bloody last resort?”

“Sort of?” Thomas piped and Newt refused to acknowledge how it stung weirdly.

Am I being hypocritical?

It wasn’t like he was willing to go anyway, but somehow his pride didn’t like it. And his pride was a bitch, he knew, and had the power to overwrite his common sense.

“Look, it’s just…” Thomas sighed into the phone. “…embarrassing.”

“Embarrassing?” the blond repeated. He would say uncomfortable maybe, but embarrassing? “What is bloody embarrassing about it? I’ve heard you snore and fart and throw up and come, and you think this is embarrassing?”

“This is embarrassing!” Thomas whined like couldn’t hear the naked truth and Newt shook his head. They had their history, and it wasn’t just a week short fling. They lived together for three years and dated for seven, there honestly couldn’t be much of an embarrassment present anymore.

Although maybe yes, after three years of barely talking.

“You’re ridiculous,” he mumbled after, dropping a towel he was drying his hair with on the bed. “How’s this even a question, can you just tell them you’re single? Or. I don’t know, that the person you date had other business to attend to?”

“No,” Thomas answered immediately. “I can’t and I won’t. You act like you don’t know them, they’re onto me.”

“Cuz you’re a liar?” Newt tilted his head to the side and Thomas grumbled.

“Am not, okay.”

“So where’s your significant other that can’t attend?”

“On the phone right now, being difficult. Obviously,” Thomas delivered without ounce of shame and if he was standing right in front of Newt, he would have one in his face. “Look, I didn’t want to ask you, cuz of course it’s kinda weird, since my parents already know you and all.”

Of course he would rather bring Teresa or Brenda over, Newt thought and the bitterness surprised him.

“Well, at least they wouldn’t be as shocked,” he said in response, pushing the wave of reminiscing back down. “Imagine Minho, he would probably tear the place apart.”

“Yeah, but we didn’t break up with Minho,” Thomas reminded him, keeping the sombre tone despite Newt trying to lighten the situation.

“You don’t say,” he said instead. “And?”

“And they know we did,” Thomas continued. “So it’s gonna be awkward, you know.”

“Can imagine, yes,” Newt didn’t want to play dumb. “I already told you no though, so there’s no reason to torture yourself with the what if.”

“When did I ever want anything this important from you though!” The whine was back, and Newt sucked in a sharp breath.

“You want me to make you a list? Or would a text suffice.”

“I told you I’d beg on my knees, right? I will. I’m ready to go to your place right now and kneel for the whole night if that’d please you,” Thomas shot back, sounding too serious for Newt’s liking. His neighbours would hate him if Thomas spent the night in front of his door on his knees, serenading him just to make him cave in.

“For fuck’s sake, for how long am I going to be pretending I love your stupid face again then?” he growled unhappily and Thomas on the other side let out a small laugh.

“Well, mum said a weeklong vacation, but I’m sure like three days would be enough to sate her craving for whatever she actually craves when she forces me to do this,” he dropped like a week wasn’t a death sentence or could pose an actual problem with Newt’s remaining vacation days. Which was not. But Thomas didn’t know that.

“I know you have vacation days left, since you always hoard them,” Thomas immediately added like he could read his mind and Newt couldn’t stop the curse leaving his mouth. “It’s not so bad, right? Countryside, fresh air, great food and for free.”

“For the cost of my sanity, but sure, for free,” Newt grumbled and padded to the table to boot up his notebook. “When?”

“I’d pick you up on this Friday at 3? Work or home, your pick.” There was an obvious relief in Thomas’ voice and Newt kind of wanted to remind him they still broke up and barely talked to each other for two and half years, so it was not going to be a walk in a park at any point, but he kept his mouth shut.

“I work till 4,” he uttered while opening his e-mail and started to write a request for vacation. “So something past 4 in front of my workplace should be fine.”

“Four? Since when?” came a question and Newt rolled his eyes. “It used to be 3 max.”

“Three years ago, sure,” Newt decided to overlook Thomas’ weird habit of keeping shit like this memorized. “Things changed.”

“You work longer for the same pay?” Thomas guessed and Newt scoffed.

“I’m not an idiot, okay,” he commented sternly. “I got promoted. So I go to work a bit later, but work till later too.”

“Aaah,” Thomas voiced. “That’s pretty cool. Congratz.”

Year and half late, but I guess it’s the thought that counts. He just hummed.

“Then four it is,” Thomas got back on track easily. “Thanks, Newt. You’re a lifesaver.”

“You don’t know what it will cost ya yet, don’t be so happy about it,” Newt said grumpily. “I don’t work for free.”

“How’s pleasant company and free accommodation and full inclusive not enough for you? You spoiled little bitch,” Thomas faked an offended tone and Newt rolled his eyes.

“Pleasant company is questionable, since you’re going to be there,” he shot back, more out of habit than with an actual spiteful intent. “But I guess your family will do.”

“Oof, alright,” it didn’t take anything from the cheerful tone of his, “you can send me a bill after. Fucking high maintenance as always, aren’t you.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Newt chirped and hung up. The moment he sent the mail to his boss he immediately regretted it.

***

Friday came so fast Newt barely noticed the week whooshing past him, and suddenly it was 3:50, he was basically done with his workload for the day, his weeklong vacation got a green light and a bag with his things was sitting mockingly on his table, reminding him he was an idiot who just liked to make himself miserable.

Thomas was already texting him since morning to not forget to pack undies like he was a mastermind of great humour and Newt’s eyes lingered a bit too long on a kitchen knife when he was packing yesterday.

But then again, Thomas’ mum definitely had much better cutlery, so the variety of murder weapons just multiplied.

He pointedly ignored how his stomach lurched at the sight of Thomas at his car in casual clothes and unzipped jacket like it was spring (the -4 degrees disagreed with him, and especially with Newt’s complete lack of proper thermoregulation), actually having a pleasant expression on his face Newt last seen… well, long time ago. He took Newt’s bag and put it in the boot of the car with such nonchalance Newt almost believed his parents might be tricked into thinking they really got back together, how smooth and easy he made it look. Newt refused to ruin it with sarcasm, so he just got into the passenger seat and let Thomas get them on the road.

“You know Christmas is still a month away, right?” Thomas commented once Newt got rid of his coat and scarf, since the car was warm inside, and tossed it onto the back seat, before putting on the seatbelt.

“Yeah?” he raised an eyebrow at him and didn’t like the smile Thomas had on his lips. He was going to nag, for sure.

“Just that you’re wrapped like a present,” came an expected comeback. “How many layers you even have? You took all of your winter clothes on?”

“Stuff it,” the blond glared at him. “It’s cold outside.”

“It’s not that cold though?” Of course Thomas wouldn’t let it go.

“Just cuz you circulate lava and not blood doesn’t mean others do too,” Newt’s glare intensified. “Like it’s something bloody new I’m cold as fuck all the time.”

“Yeah, it’s really not,” his companion shrugged with self-satisfied smirk and Newt wanted to stomp on the brake and just get out of the car. Why did he agree again?

Prick.

What even made him so happy? Still didn’t realize how many faked smiles he’s going plaster on his face through the stay? Or he didn’t care?

“What are we going to tell them?” he asked instead to bring them closer to the problem, since the resolution was only three hours’ drive away. He wouldn’t admit it, but since he agreed to help with this clownery, he couldn’t stop thinking about what to tell the people he genuinely liked and didn’t want to lie to. He could almost forget how rare it was to stay alone with Thomas these days – or months – or years – without an urge to strangle the brunet every time he got close and opened his mouth, when they were sitting in the car so peacefully now.

It was calm but utterly bitter.

The bitterness, Newt thought, was probably still the remnant from three years ago. Maybe not as vicious, but still accompanying him after all these years, every time they saw each other. The first year was catastrophic, the second they both calmed down a bit, and the third they actually managed to lead a normal, reasonable conversation with minimum insults.

Newt wasn’t shy to admit he missed his ex during quiet moments of his life; somehow. He was especially prone to it during his birthday, somehow spending the passing years without Thomas’ company hurt, despite the bad parting. Talking with Thomas with more ease was nostalgic. But his brain always helpfully supplied it was not going to last because they were still the stupid, broken up them deep down.

Not to mention pretending to be lovers just to get Thomas’ parents off his back was lame as fuck. He had no idea why he agreed. Maybe he was lame too.

“I don’t know. We bumped into each other on a party and made out in a closet,” Thomas responded, the smile finally falling off, his eyes glued to the road before him. “And decided to try it again.”

“Ugh.”

“What, you have a better idea?” Thomas shot him a look and Newt snorted.

“We managed to talk normally again and realized we’re still in love with each other?” he offered, just to piss him off. “Since, you know, it happens to normal people?”

“What, sex in the closet does not?” There was that annoyance in Thomas’ voice again Newt knew so well. They usually talked to each other like that – annoyed, nagging, angry, and it wasn’t hard to fall back into it.

“Probably to you,” he averted his eyes from his companion and watched the passing scenery instead. “But I’m not that easy.”

“That’s true,” he heard Thomas whisper, more to himself, and rather buried himself lower into the seat. The fact their intimate life sucked the last month they were together hadn’t been a secret and Newt was very much aware it just sped up the fall of their relationship. But at that point it all felt wrong, and the last thing Newt had wanted was having angry sex, or sex out of obligation, or basically anything intimate without enjoying the other person’s company. Because they sure weren’t enjoying each other for some time already.

Thomas didn’t like it. And he was pretty open about not liking it. But then again, so was Newt.

And then they broke up. It was outside during Christmas, under the lit-up tree on the city square, and Newt still considered it the most unpleasant memory of his life. They were furious, both of them, and the breakup was inevitable, but when it finally came, it wasn’t an explosion full of shouting or accusing as he expected.

Nope, it was quiet, cold and devastating. Seven years down the drain, just like that.

“Let’s go with your version,” he heard Thomas saying roughly. “It happens.”

“Yeah,” he piped, closing his eyes.

In fairy tales.

***

“Oh my god, I knew it!”

It was the first thing that hit them both when the door to the house opened and Thomas’ mother ran out, shrieking like a siren while going straight to Newt and almost suffocated him in an embrace. “I knew you two would get back together, I knew it!”

“There goes the surprise,” Newt managed from the rest of his breath and when she finally released him just to run back to the house to tell the rest of the family the big news, he gasped like he was drowning.

“Good to know she’s as strong as ever,” he croaked, and Thomas hummed and took both of their bags to carry it inside. He had gotten visibly darker and grumpier the closer they got to his hometown and now he almost visibly carried a dark, raining cloud above his head, looking like he just arrived at his own funeral.

Newt followed him inside with surprising ease though, like returning to this place somewhat negated everything Thomas tried to spoil. He had only nice, pleasant memories of this house, and those people, so even if Thomas ought to be a dickhead, he could always enjoy himself here.

“Newt!” a roaring voice welcomed him next, and another crushing hug lifted him from the floor. Thomas’ father was a big, broad guy who could probably lift the house itself, and his jolly personality apparently remained untouched as well.

“Hi there,” the blond greeted him right the moment he got back to the ground, trying to withstand the bear pat that followed. “Haven’t seen you in forever.”

“Likewise!” the big guy cheerily replied. “Glad to see he came back to his senses! Was seriously afraid he’d bring that gloomy goth girl here, I don’t think we have enough black around for that.”

Teresa or Brenda.

“Nah, he still has a thing for blonds,” he replied with a smile and immediately heard Thomas’ scoffing from the living room. The fact that both Teresa and Brenda turned him down must have scarred his ego a lot.

The jab was worth it though.

***

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Anna (Thomas’ mum) patted his arm for about fourth time already since they arrived, her face fond and eyes happy, and it made Newt guilty as hell. They all gathered in the kitchen, which smelled like fantastic food and happy memories. “I swear the breakup was so shocking, we didn’t want to believe it. Tom took it so badly too, I-,”

“Mum,” Thomas’ voice sounded threatening from behind them. “Stop feeding him useless stuff. He just got off work and spent three hours in the car, let him breathe a little.”

She made a face at him but sent Newt an apologetic smile and gave him a muffin. Still tasted as he remembered, and he had to admit those small welcoming bits were the only brakes he had from running away. It wasn’t like Thomas was nasty towards him or anything – he wouldn’t dare since they’d call him out on it – but since they had the talk in the car Newt could feel the uncomfortable tension between them that always ended in an argument.

“You want coffee?” Newt realized Thomas was looking at him now, eyebrows raised, and he just nodded, not trusting himself to say anything.

“I’ll bring it to you, you can go sit with others,” Thomas added as if he couldn’t get rid of him fast enough and Newt didn’t argue with that logic. The moment he left the kitchen and sat between Thomas’ dad and sister, relief washed over him, and he could finally breathe a little easier.

“I thought you’d already be married to somebody decent,” Hannah (Thomas’ little sister) commented while she plastered herself against Newt’s side like she used to do when she was little. Newt haven’t seen her for about four years, give or take, and now she was 14 and apparently full of opinions. “And not wasting your time with him again.”

Him, pointedly looking at her brother who was sneering at her while entering the living room with Newt’s coffee, was seemingly normal occurrence lately, judging from zero reactions from the parents.

“I know, I’ll never learn,” Newt piped in anyway, which made Thomas sneer at him for a change, and almost spilling the coffee on him, not even trying to mask it as an accident.

“Do I have to be the target of your bad jokes?” he glared at them collectively and when Anna arrived after him with dinner, Newt felt nostalgic, like literally nothing changed, and he relaxed into it with more ease than he expected.

He was just glad Thomas was sitting further from him and didn’t need to force himself to act natural. When he reached for the coffee, his favourite taste of it surprised him, but he didn’t meet Thomas’ eyes.

***

“I have to say, you got even cuter,” Anna suddenly said once they were past dinner, Newt couldn’t eat or drink anymore or he would explode and decided to walk it out while helping her bringing dishes to the kitchen and putting them in a dishwasher.

“Anna,” he chuckled. “That’s not what a guy wants to hear.”

“I’m just saying,” she had a genuine smile on her face. “I feared I’d never get to see you here ever again. I know you don’t really want to talk about the breakup and all…”

She stopped for a second, her eyes searching, and Newt hated how strangely painful it made him feel. He sincerely hoped it didn’t show on his face.

“I just want you to know I’m happy you two got back together,” she concluded, which meant it definitely showed on Newt’s face and she saw it. “I know you must have your reasons back then and everything, but I’m just… so glad for you two. And I wish you’d visit more often as well.”

Newt’s chest tightened like he was about to have a heart-attack and he had to push the guilt back down with the power of his sheer will alone, right in front of her trusting, hopeful eyes, like he was disarming a ticking bomb with 10 seconds on the countdown. He expected maybe some initial awkwardness, or some of them poke fun at how they finally got their shit back together after three years, but this wasn’t the plan and he hated how he wanted to hide behind Thomas’ back and just push him to deal with this instead.

“Yeah,” he gulped down the rising agony. “We absolutely should.”

Liar.

“You were always such a great kid,” she pushed herself from the kitchen counter and pulled him into a tight, heartfelt hug. Tears almost spilled out of Newt’s eyes when she squeezed him with loving gentleness he didn’t want to feel again to know what he was missing. “We all love you so much. Thank you for coming back.”

He couldn’t stop the guilt anymore and quietly wept into her shoulder, praying to any higher power for her not to notice.

***

It wasn’t an escape. He did not run away like a coward the moment he could. He didn’t light up his cigarette outside on a porch with trembling hands because he couldn’t get his nerves under control. It just happened. He just felt like it. He just needed the fresh air, nothing else.

He thought, maybe if he kept telling himself that, the tears would eventually stop and he wouldn’t be sniffling anymore into the night, with sky sprinkled with stars and air cold enough to make his face feel like ice.

He heard the door opening only vaguely, his eyes stinging, until the automatic light flashed above him, signalizing a movement nearby. He noticed Thomas too late, he realized when he started pathetically wiping away tears into his sleeve.

“You okay?” Thomas asked a bit abundantly, seeing the state of his, but Newt had to admit there weren’t many other questions to ask anyway.

“Yeah,” Newt sniffled, trying to get his feelings under control, but failing miserably. “Sorry… just. Give me a few, I’ll be fine.”

Thomas took a step closer, and Newt hated how he flinched at that.

“Mum told you something?”

He had an unreadable face, Newt thought. Neutral and careful and Newt couldn’t say what he was thinking. He hated how the ability of reading this man just disappeared like the rest of their history.

“Nothing bad,” he shook his head and brought the cigarette to his lips, inhaling shortly. His hands still trembled but not as badly anymore. “Are they worried?”

“Not yet, I think,” Thomas replied quietly, glancing towards the door, then sighed. “I guess it’s… kind of painful.”

“Kind of,” Newt agreed softly. “But it reminds me how nice it was when it lasted.”

“Yeah,” Thomas finally glanced at him, his eyes a bit warmer. “It was amazing.”

Newt felt a lump in his throat forming, and the more Thomas was looking at him, the worse it got, until he couldn’t really stand it. So he offered a small, apologetic smile, put the cigarette out and returned back to the house with buzzing in his head and weird pressure in his chest.

The mischievous grins Thomas’ family gave him once he reappeared in the living room never felt so wrong.

***

Newt didn’t really plan on it, but since the night progressed and his company slowly started leaving for the night, he eventually fell asleep on the couch in the living room. He thought he heard somebody trying to wake him while softly saying his name, but he was too exhausted to rise to the challenge and just let his eyes close shut.

The last thing he noticed was sudden warmth engulfing him, like being hugged by a fluffy animal and then he was out like a light.

He dreamed of first loves and heartbreaks.

***

“You’re being 17 only once in your life, man, cheer up a little!”

Newt grumpily looked at the shot he was given with liquid of unknown origin and then back at Minho, who was grinning at him encouragingly, already drunk enough to be considered not the most reliable source of what fun is. Newt couldn’t say he liked the taste of any alcohol he tried so far, and even though Minho made it look like it’s the most delicious thing he ever had, every cup tasted like spirit and burned unpleasantly.

Sure, he was 17 today. Sure, he tried alcohol because everybody did to celebrate, but every time they looked away, he just poured the rest of his cup into something that could hold it (the cactus probably wasn’t happy about it and Newt mentally apologized to the plant when he disposed of the rest of his beer in its pot).

“Lemme take that from you,” a sudden movement on his side caused the small glass to be taken from his hand, and then a brown-haired boy downed the drink like it was water. Newt had no idea who he was, but since he saved him from possible vomit-inducing moments, he immediately liked him.

“My saviour,” he grinned once the boy tossed the empty glass back to Minho who barely caught it. The boy smiled back at him, his big, brown eyes warm and honestly really pretty.

“Thomas,” he introduced himself. “I take it you’re the birthday boy. Newt, right?”

“Right,” the blond nodded in agreement. “You here with Ben?”

It was just a guess, but he vaguely remembered Ben mentioned something about bringing friends over and Newt didn’t mind. The more people present, the easier would it be for him to disappear at some point to avoid being cornered with other alcoholic beverages.

“Yep,” Thomas nodded with a cute smile. Newt wondered if he was already at least a little drunk to be so easily charmed. “I know I should have brought a gift, since it’s your b-day and all, but I kinda came empty handed. Sorry about that.”

“Preposterous,” Newt faked a shock, hand on his chest and laughter bubbling in his throat, but Thomas was already fishing through his pockets as if he was searching for something to give, and that made him laugh for real. “It’s fine, Tommy. You saved me from alcohol poisoning, you have a free pass.”

“That’s lame though,” Thomas objected unhappily and then finally found his phone in his back pocket, looking at Newt expectantly. “Can I at least get your number? I swear I will make it up to you.”

Normally Newt would argue he didn’t need anything, for real, don’t sweat it, but the more he was looking into Thomas’ eyes, the more his common sense refused to work, and caving in was so, so easy.

“Sweet,” Thomas smiled happily when he saved the contact and then slung his arm around Newt’s shoulders, leaned close and took a quick photo of them both on his phone. “You won’t regret it.”

“I know I won’t,” Newt said, and he meant it.

***

He woke up with his head painfully pounding, like he slept too long or too short. In a moment of confusion of his whereabouts one glance across the empty but messy living room from yesterday’s festivities gave him the answer he sought – he was in hell and it smelled like pancakes.

He gingerly sat up, analysing the situation carefully, until his eyes stopped at the clock showing 12:04 and Newt refused to believe them. He couldn’t have possibly slept till noon, right? Thomas was playing a prank at him by rewinding the clock or something, there was simply no way. He usually woke up at 7, if he really had a deficit then 9 the latest and felt guilty about it. Twelve sounded like a bad joke.

Then again, his body was so sore it made sense. He had a crick in his neck, his legs felt wooden and stiff and there were creases from the couch everywhere on his naked skin. He had a soft, fluffy blanket draped around his body he didn’t remember even seeing yesterday but was grateful for anyway.

“Fuck,” he breathed out in mortification. “What am I even doing?”

“Having a zombie march, I’d say,” a voice interrupted his inner freak out mercilessly and he turned around too fast for his poor head to comprehend and world spun for a moment. “Thought you died or something, geez. Since when you sleep so long?”

Thomas was slowly walking towards him with a tray, trying to balance the cups with coffee on it, and once he successfully set it down, there was only a small puddle under one, so still a success. He brought pancakes and muffins Anna baked and Newt didn’t feel like his appetite was up to this.

“I dunno,” the blond rubbed his eyes sleepily. “I guess I wasn’t really sleeping as much these past few days…”

“Your back must hate you though,” Thomas glanced at the sofa pointedly. “Only sitting for too long on this torture device is painful.”

“Eh,” Newt shrugged. “I’ve had worse.”

“Well, you look like shit, so not much worse,” Thomas didn’t spare him, smirking at Newt’s apparently dishevelled appearance and he just flipped him off.

“Have a pancake, you’ll feel better,” Thomas pushed the tray closer.

“Maybe later,” Newt untangled himself from the blanked instead. “I need a bath.”

“Can’t argue with that.”

Newt mentally slapped Thomas so hard his face landed in the pancake cushion. In reality he just scoffed and wobbled out of the living room at the sound of his ex’ snickering.

***

Nobody really commented on Newt’s faux pas of passing out on the couch until it was time for lunch, but they did comment on his food habits (or better on having none). He barely ever ate breakfast in the morning, so he didn’t eat the fluffy pancakes, or the muffins Thomas brought him, but he did drink the coffee. Before he could even properly digest that Anna was already serving lunch and he had no way how to wiggle himself out of that one.

The rest of the day passed like a blur and when the evening came Anna was chasing him to the bed the first moment he yawned.

“You’re not going to ruin your back on this monstrosity!” she was pushing him up the stairs with Thomas behind her, laughing at them. “I don’t understand how we didn’t buy a new one yet, but now we have to, or you’d wreck yourself on it!”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Newt tried to argue, but she was having none of it and finally stopped in front of Thomas’ room, which… was an obvious choice, but Newt felt his blood running cold at the sight of the familiar area.

“I prepared clean towels and everything,” she pointed at a fluffy pile on Thomas’ desk. “Good night!”

“Yeah…” the blond barely got that out and she was already leaving, calling to others downstairs to help her choose a new couch so she could immediately order it online.

“Well, at least we’ll get rid of that relic,” Thomas commented while entering the bedroom as well, all smiles like he didn’t realize there was one bed, them broken up and Newt’s absolute horror.

“We’re not sleeping in the same bed, are we,” Newt ignored him with eyes fixed at the lodging in the room and Thomas crossed his arms on his chest, his lips in a wide grin.

“What, I clearly remember you saying there is nothing embarrassing about me anymore, since you heard me fart and all.”

“Oh god, shut up,” Newt wished his words were a spell and came true, but of course they didn’t work on Thomas, since he started laughing like a hyena. Anna naturally would let them both sleep in Thomas’ room, it was an obvious choice, but he sure hated it.

Thomas’ room was the same as Newt remembered it, but it made sense, since Thomas had his own place in the city for years. His family had no reason to change it, let it be the queen-sized bed, the blue-ish walls and sleek black furniture hugging the place. It had no sofa, which was the core of the problem for one of them and Newt’s regret of saying yes returned in full force.

“It’s not like it’s a small bed,” Thomas commented matter-of-factly once he had his fill of fun and sat at the edge of the incriminated furniture, obviously taunting him.

“It’s not like I care,” Newt bit out and circled the bed in disdain. “Sleep on the floor for what I care.”

“But it’s my bed,” Thomas argued with badly concealed glee. Newt guessed it was because now he could make fun of him now, which must have made him feel good after being a target of little quips from his family for two days. “If you don’t like me in it, you go sleep on the floor.”

“I’m a guest in here,” Newt crossed his arms on his chest. “Don’t you have any manners? Not to mention you owe me for coming here and playing your lying game.”

“It has nothing to do with manners or me owing you, you’re just being a stubborn ass as always,” Thomas corrected him and clearly didn’t feel like being merciful, especially when he just flopped onto the mattress and looked at Newt expectantly. “So, let’s calm down and get some sleep. I promise I won’t attack you until you’re awake again.”

“Shut up, jerk face,” Newt barked at him and grabbed the towel Anna left there, turning to leave for the bathroom, definitely not running away. “As if I’d bloody let you.”

“Mhmmm.” Thomas’ face was grinning, and Newt wanted to set his guts on fire.

Goddamn, fuck this all.

***

Of course Thomas already laid under the covers, one arm under his head, other holding his phone and leisurely scrolling through it. The room was bathing in darkness, outside of the small lamp on the bedside table. Newt still remember that lamp from years ago, and how they almost broke it when Newt accidentally knocked it over when they were having sex… here… okay, that particular memory really didn’t need to resurface right now.

“I know right,” Thomas suddenly spoke, looking at Newt pointedly. “I was surprised that thing still works too. Got banged so badly.”

“Hmm…”

“Not the only thing that got banged though,” of course the fucker had to add, and Newt tossed his shirt he was holding at him. Only got small laugh in response and then his shirt got dropped carelessly on the floor, left crumpled there like trash. Newt wanted to kick Thomas’ ass so bad he almost reached for his whole bag to hit him with it.

“Going to stand there whole night?” Thomas was acting smugly because he had an upper hand for now, the blond knew the tactics very well. Just milking the moment until one of them snap, he sure hadn’t changed. Newt seriously considered to just leave and sleep in the car if he had to.

“Are you going to be this insufferable the whole week?” he seethed, and Thomas shrugged.

“Define insufferable. Don’t feel like I am any of that.”

“Alright, then I’ll leave tomorrow,” Newt countered him, because he was honestly too tired already and couldn’t think of anything that would make Thomas to fall from his high horse for just one second. Or just show some understanding, because the moment they got in his room he made sure to make Newt as uncomfortable as possible. “You can tell your parents whatever you want, I don’t care.”

“Are you seriously throwing a tantrum over us sleeping in one bed?” Thomas sat up while putting his phone away and he had this old Star Wars shirt Newt got him for his 20th birthday and it was like a punch in his gut.

“Yes,” Newt just said and the warmth from the bath was slowly dissipating from his body, leaving him chilled and miserable.

“We slept together for 7 years,” Thomas objected with a small frown. “It’s not like you don’t know me. Or how I sleep.”

“It’s not like it matters in this situation.”

“I told you I won’t do anything,” another argument and Newt shook his head. He wasn’t even worried he would try anything; they were way past that phase anyway. It was just… so uncomfortable. “Jesus, Newt, please be reasonable. It’s cold, you’re shivering like a wet dog over there, I have perfectly normal, warm bed and we won’t even be touching. I don’t know what kind of block you have in your head, but can you just let it go for tonight and come here before you catch a cold and blame it on me too?”

“I-,” Newt couldn’t even start when a soft knock stopped him mid speech and the door opened few seconds later with Anna between them, smiling. Probably chaperoning, he would guess if he had a coherent thought.

“Just wanted to ask if you want chicken or steak for tomorrow lunch,” she chirped and Newt could almost see the loading screen in front of his eyes, for how much he couldn’t comprehend the sudden topic change.

“Go lie down, you’ll freeze out here,” she immediately noticed him standing there barefooted and pushed him gently towards the bed. “Do you want another blanket? I know you’re always cold. Thomas brought the fluffy one downstairs yesterday, should I fetch it?”

“It’s fine, I have two in here already,” Thomas interjected immediately and before Newt could react anyhow, Thomas reached for his hand and pulled him onto the mattress. “Will warm him up if that wouldn’t be enough.”

“Just try to be quiet, will you,” Anna seized them both in disapproving stare and Newt felt sick in his stomach. “So what. Chicken or steak?”

“I vote for steaks!” Thomas immediately shot out and Newt still didn’t understand what was even important about food in this situation, so he just nodded dumbly, and then Anna was leaving with good night and disappeared behind the door again, plunging the room into silence.

He could hear Thomas’ breathing close to his own and finally understood he lost this fight without much of a battle happening.

“Can we sleep now?” he heard Thomas ask, so he just slinked under covers and turned his back towards the man, feeling vulnerable and stupid at the same time.

***

They didn’t talk about the night. They didn’t really talk at all during the day, since when Newt woke up, Thomas was already gone, and Hannah mentioned something about him and his dad leaving early in the morning for whatever reason.

Newt hated how relieved he felt.

He spent most of the day with Anna making lunch and dodging questions about him and Thomas’ breakup and reconciliation. Anna didn’t pry as much as he feared she would, but she obviously wanted to know what happened three years ago and he had no nice answer for her, so he just kept it vague.

We stopped talking to each other properly.

We felt like we needed a break.

No, there was no bad blood between us, really. Absolutely no arguments that would cut too deep, I assure you. We just needed some time. We’re back together now after all, right.

The lies twisted so painfully on his tongue he was grateful when Thomas finally got back at 4PM and Anna’s attention turned to him instead. When the day progressed, Brian (Thomas’ dad) sat them all in the living room in the evening and opened his favourite bottle of whiskey he kept for special occasions.

They lit up fire in the fireplace and Anna brought over snacks, and just sitting there and chilling felt soothing to Newt’s guiltiness eating him up from within.

“We just sealed the deal with a new partner today,” Brian said in a booming voice when he was pouring a glass to Newt who was sincerely relieved his special occasion wasn’t Thomas and him dating again. Because that sure would send him out of the room quick, he could handle only that much before snapping.

“That’s fantastic,” he gingerly accepted the glass and watched Thomas doing to same when offered, wondering if he could somehow dump his own drink into his glass without being suspicious. They sat too wide apart though, with Thomas between his parents and Newt felt the gap deeply.

“That’s right! It means more work, but it’s going to be worth it!” Brian nodded happily and poured glass to Anna as well. When Hannah came with her own, he shooed at her to get juice instead, at which she pouted. “We were dealing with them on and off for about a year, so when they agreed to be a permanent supplier, it’s gonna make a difference.”

“You should invite the CEO for dinner,” Anna added to it and Brian immediately agreed. “But for now, cheers!”

Newt smiled and raised his glass as well, but his throat already hated it in advance. Once he sipped the wood-scented drink, he forced himself to remain passive and not make a disgusted face that was forcing its way up, grateful Anna and Brian were too busy planning what food to choose for the business dinner.

“Oh my god, can you stop shouting in my ear?” Thomas suddenly stood up when his dad leaned over him to his mum for umpteenth time. “Go sit next to her! Geez. I’m not a cushion you can bulldozer over.”

Brian laughed and pushed himself towards his wife on Thomas’ spot, which left Thomas to sit next to Newt with an unceremonious plop.

“I thought maybe cream cake for dessert?” Anna was brainstorming loudly in meantime. “Right, Newt? You always liked the cake.”

“Oh yeah, loved it,” Newt quickly switched his attention to her from Thomas’ sudden warmth next to him. “Think it’s a great idea for the dessert.”

“See!” Anna beamed at Brian happily and Newt flinched when his glass got bumped suddenly and he almost dropped it before he realized it was Thomas’ own glass touching it now.

“Pour some over,” he mumbled towards the blond quietly. “Before they notice and start pestering you about quality of well-aged alcohol.”

“Thanks…” he piped gratefully and hastily splashed most of his glass’ contents away. He noticed Hannah was looking at them, but she only rolled her eyes and started arguing with the parents that beef was no better than pork for the main dish.

“She’d drink it instead if she had a chance,” Thomas whispered towards him. “Going to be a fucking alcoholic before she reaches twenty.”

“Weren’t you the same though,” Newt objected automatically, and Thomas sipped his now almost full glass with a smirk.

“Never minded the taste, yeah,” he shrugged while licking his lips. Newt would believe from his expression the drink tasted good, if he didn’t know better. “I still like beer more though. This can easily knock me out of my socks if I’m not careful.”

“Mm.”

“You slept well?”

Newt stiffed at the question, as he expected he would if Thomas was going to breach it, and then forced his body to relax again while gripping his almost empty glass firmly.

“Fine,” he only uttered.

“Are we going to have a problem again tonight then or is it fine?” he heard Thomas asking in low voice and refused to meet his eyes. The night was alright, he slept more or less okay too, but that didn’t pose a problem in the first place, and Thomas knew it. Newt couldn’t say if it was Thomas’ way of being petty or getting revenge, but it sure bothered Newt like a thorn in his side.

“Can’t possibly kick you off, when your mum likes to check up on us,” he mumbled with a quick glance towards Anna, still in heated debate over food with the rest of the family. “So let’s pretend it’s fine.”

“I’m not pretending anything,” Thomas scoffed. “I don’t mind sharing a bed. It’s not like you’re a stranger.”

“Sure.”

“Hmm,” Thomas let out and then moved again, lifting his legs and deposited them rudely on Newt’s lap while leaning against the side of his dad who barely even noticed.

“Sure then,” he was grinning when Newt shot him a glare. “Love of my life.”

“I swear I’ll murder you,” Newt gritted through his teeth and refused to acknowledge how his heart thumped when Thomas smiled at him like he just said something overly sweet.

“Looking forward to it,” the brunet responded instead while sipping their shared drink and Newt twisted his big toe in revenge. Sadly, it didn’t have much of an effect.

***

“What the fuck happened to you over those years, jesus fuck!” If anybody asked, Newt didn’t sound like a naggy wife scolding her husband, no sir. “You can’t hold your liquor for shit!”

“Whaaa-,” Thomas’ attempt to sound offended interrupted a loud burp and then fit of laughter, all that when he was plastered over Newt’s back who was unceremoniously dragging him back to his room.

“If you throw up over my back, you’re dead,” he warned the drunkard coldly and Thomas let out hehehe but didn’t deny it. Newt suspected him he could walk just fine but wanted to be as obnoxious as possible, so Newt would have to take care of him in front of his amused parents who left them to it. Newt would be much happier if Thomas’ dad would toss his son to the bed one armed, because he definitely could, and wouldn’t leave Newt to fight with the deadweight all alone, but then again maybe it was for the best.

True enough, Thomas had in total of four and half glasses full of whiskey, even though Brian laughed at him to get drunk after three shots. Naturally didn’t know every time he poured Newt a fresh batch, even though Newt tried to tell him no thanks, he secretly dumped it into Thomas’ glass who drank it, just to get refilled from Brian again as well, and that went until the bottle was empty and Thomas started giggling.

Which led them to the situation at hand – with Newt dragging his ex up the stairs and to his room – their room – while swearing like a sailor, and then just dumping him onto the bed like a sack of potatoes where Thomas landed with soft oof.

“Why’s the room sp’nning…?” he heard the muffled question shortly after, looking at Thomas’ boneless form of a dead drunk with his face half buried in covers. “Make it stooop~.”

“You feel like barfing?” he asked instead of reacting to the drunk observation and Thomas groaned, then tried to push himself up, just to fail miserably. He tried two more times until he realized he really couldn’t get up because his arms wouldn’t support him, and just had to worm his way up to the pillow by crawling. Which was almost painful to watch, honestly.

“Neeeewt.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” the blond buried his face to his hands until another whine of his name came and he walked to the bed and pushed Thomas on his back instead. That got him a sloppy grin in return in a drunk haze.

“Hi,” the drunkard slurred. “How’re ya?”

“Sucky,” Newt answered while crossing his arms on his chest.

“Oh noooo…” another whine. “Whyyy?”

“Have to take care of one smashed idiot,” Newt nudged Thomas’ side with his knee, earning another giggle. He couldn’t say he had experience with drunk Thomas – or at least with this much drunk Thomas. If he ever got inebriated enough to be considered wasted, he just passed out, usually. But today’s drunk Thomas sure had some annoying stamina and kept himself awake for too long.

“I’ll protect you from ‘im,” Thomas managed to reach out with his hand, grabbing at Newt’s sweater. “C’me to the bed.”

“I think you need a bucket first,” Newt let him pawn his sweater with a sigh.

“Mkay.” The hand on his sweater stayed, grabbing randomly, until it dropped to Newt’s thigh where it lightly squeezed, and Thomas let an appraising hum. “You got thinner.”

“It’s just your imagination,” Newt pushed the hand away and it bounced back onto the mattress. “Get changed, I’ll be right back.”

“Nooo…”

He ignored the whine and left the bedroom with a lump in his throat. Drunk Thomas could be bad for his conscience.

***

He got back half an hour later, after a bath and finding a bucket he could deposit at the edge of the bed, in hope Thomas didn’t manage to throw up in meantime. He found him sleeping sprawled over the mattress, right in the middle, still in the same clothes and smelling like a liquor store. There was no barf anywhere at least.

“Sweet,” he sighed while putting the bucket near Thomas’ possible trajectory of his head if he felt like bending over and vomiting. “Glad we had this talk about sleeping together, huh.”

He slowly crawled onto the bed, careful not to wake Thomas up (though judging by his occasional snores it wasn’t happening) and slid under the blanket as much as Thomas’ weight allowed him.

In hindsight… there was no way he could be mad at him anyway, for today. No matter how drunk the man got, he still remembered how Newt didn’t like alcohol and Newt hated how it warmed his jaded heart.

He fell asleep eventually, dreaming of grabby hands and sad smiles.

***

“Your mum is going to hear us, you ass!”

“Don’t care.”

“Tommy!”

No response, only hot lips on his neck, licking and biting and pampering it with kisses and Newt just remained pinned against the door of Thomas’ room, taking the weight of his boyfriend against his body and roaming hands grabbing at his butt and then traveling to his thigh, hiking it up to settle against Thomas’s hip. His heart was beating so loud he couldn’t hear anything else, just thump thump thump of his blood roaring, and Thomas’s sweet nothings he was murmuring to Newt’s ear in a rough voice.

“I want you so much,” Thomas whispered when unbuckling Newt’s pants, sliding his hand under them against hot, naked skin, and Newt couldn’t hold back a moan, he just needed him closer, he needed to kiss him, to touch him, to get him inside-

“Fuck, you’re so hot,” Thomas bit out, voice strained, and Newt let him to lift him up and carry him towards the bed, their lips meeting in a messy, frantic kiss. It was painful, it was rushed, but it was what Newt needed, the brutal strength of Thomas’ body pushing into him and his own breathy moans coming out when their lips parted, and he heard a dull thud at some point when he was trying to hold onto the bedpost once Thomas thrusted into him so strong it made him see stars, but he didn’t care about anything else but pleasure and pain and adoration he felt when he was with him-

Newt woke up with a start, his body hot and aroused, and he felt on fire and caged and painfully hard. He could barely catch a breath when he noticed arms slung possessively around his torso and waist pushing him insistently against warm body behind him, waking up all his senses one by one like Christmas lights.

It took him a moment, the initial confusion clearing like a fog from his mind, making him realize Thomas was cuddling him from behind, one of his hands got under Newt’s shirt and was spread across his naked belly possessively.

“Shit,” he couldn’t stop himself from cursing and attempted to disentangle, but it only made Thomas to clutch to him harder, like a defence mechanism, unwilling to let go. He tried to push away one of the arms holding him, but Thomas slung a leg over his hips in response, trapping him even more.

“Don’t leave,” a sleepy voice sliced the silence and Newt stiffened once he felt hot lips on the back of his neck, mouthing there persistently.

“Thomas-.” He tried to turn around but couldn’t move an inch and Thomas bit down slightly, sending shivers down Newt’s spine.

“Mmm…” he heard the hum, and then the tense weight relaxed once Thomas fell asleep again, and Newt didn’t dare to move anymore.

It was going to be a long night and Newt refused to acknowledge the little voice in the back of his head screaming for relief by Thomas’ hand.

[technobladetimestamps]

Nov 16 Stream Timestamps

Timestamps from Technoblade’s “THE REVOLUTION (dream SMP)”

Link to my youtube comment with all of the timestamps x

Timestamps with hyperlinks below

02:13  “This is a surprise tool which will help us later” / thumbnail isn’t foreshadowing / video thumbnails have to be big / stream thumbnails can be detailed 05:17  “The traitor is actually Jschlatt” / firework crafting 09:50  “The ratio is impeccable” 13:23  “Dream’s in the game! My audience retention rate” / vc with Tubbo & Quackity / traitor Jschlatt theory / “Are you high?” “A little” 14:47  “You’re a bit of a wildcard” “I am the most consistent character on the entire server” / “What’s this about getting into power” / “We’ll burn this bridge when we get to it” 15:54  “You really are such an English major” / “You’re an idiom” / malaphor / “I’m actually speaking twice as much English as you guys” 18:07  “I think Thunder is overcompensating in the chat” / “Where can you see me” “In my heart” (Karl & Quackity) / Karl not leaving vc 20:33  vc with Niki / “Did Tubbo just leave me? I spaced out for 2 seconds” / “You can’t call everyone the traitor” “I can & will” 22:45  “You know it’s an event when Skeppy’s here” / “You know it’s a big deal when Georgenotfound wakes up” / “Everyone leaves me” 23:31  explaining the traitor thing to Niki / “Maybe I’m a sleeper agent” / had to kill Tubbo 25:03  nothing happened with that creeper / Fundy interrogating Niki / “Why did I train her for MCC” 25:54  “Even YOU’RE leaving me” / sad music / “I’m sitting here with 203k viewers & it’s not enough for any of these streamers to bear talking to me for more than 60 seconds” / Skeppy joins vc to immediately leave 28:50  Karl has a gift for Techno / Karl is just here for the animatic 32:21  “At least the chat won’t leave me” / pays for his music 35:01  “I’m going to destroy the government so bad” / “I hate all of the farming updates on skyblock” 37:45  joining a vc / “I just got stood up in like 4...conversations in rapid succession” / “My new years resolution was to make friends & it’s november & I’ve made zero headway” / Eret switches sides 41:53  Ender chest setup / worried about hotbar management / potions > shields   43:13  vc with allies / “Karl you are literally the biggest third wheel I have ever seen” 45:03  angering the dogs / trident combo 47:13  “D!ck with one ball” (Tubbo) 50:25  “Let’s hope Wil overslept like [George]” 53:09  recruiting Eret / “If you fight on our side we’ll make you the King of Burger King” / “He’ll be an executive citizen” / “I’m surrounded by idiots” 54:58  putting Schlatt on the allies list / “Schlatt is an alcoholic high on protein power” (Fundy) 56:47  can’t trust Eret / “I hate it when you’re right” (Tubbo) / Wilbur joins vc 59:50  having a moment with Hubert / “Not even the mobs like me” / sad music / “I just gained 8k subscribers the sadness is gone” / cow pit exp farm 1:02:57  vc with Niki / “I’m going to join the other vc AHHHHH” 1:05:02  “Once everyone meets up...I have something prepared” / “Technoblade when are you not ready?” “When I joined the server” 1:09:38  “Who do you take me for? Of course I’ve read the Art of War. It’s written by Mozart” / battle planning 1:12:18  “This is the betrayal...happening very slowly” 1:13:35  Pan1 / “This revolution is so doomed” 1:15:29  Dream attack / Quackity dies 1:18:07  “Agree Retweet” / “Violence is the only universal language” / “i have a supply” / “Why do you talk in upwards inflections constantly?” 1:19:57  Techno not getting to talk / “He took it all by force didn’t he” / “Fear into Ear” 1:23:50  Techno telling everyone he has a stash twice / distributing blue / mushroom the fox 1:26:49  Tommy talking over Techno again / “Stop going off on your tangents” “We have food at home” 1:29:30  vault reveal / Tubbo stealing emeralds / secret chest 1:32:40  “Shut up bro you are green as shit” (Tommy) / “Everyone give me back my stuff you don’t deserve it” 1:34:41  no netherite swords / “Who’s the traitor” “Promise we won’t be mad” 1:36:31  battle / Technoblade trident maneuvering / giving rocket launchers to Tubbo & Tommy 1:40:27  killing Karl / Dream bringing out the end crystals / fighting invis Dream / purpled switches sides 1:43:57  Dream wants to talk / 309k / group photos 1:46:08  vc with Dream / “But only if my enemy insists” / in the van with Schlatt / “What are you doing in my drug van? It better not be drugs” / Tommy preparing to shoot Schlatt 1:54:42  “We won” / “We killed an old man with heart problems! It only took 20 of us!” / President Innit / subscribe to Technoblade sign 1:55:57  Dream & Techno talk in chat / Tommy speech / “It was meant to be” / “I don’t think anyone is bowing to Tommyinnit” / “Karl don’t be weird” / Skeppy has a disc 1:59:06  Techno being apprehensive on mute / Tommy makes Wilbur President / “I’ll be the president” “I’m gonna veto that” / “Techno...you’ve taught me that government is not the way to go” / Wilbur makes Tubbo president 2:03:20  “I’m not sure I like where this is going x2” / “I’m not sure this is a good ending” / “Team chaos” “Perhaps” 2:06:20  Techno shoots Tubbo / Philza joins / “You think Schlatt was the cause of your problems? No. It was government” / speech gets interrupted / “The government ends here, I’ll kill it myself!” 2:09:23  Phil kills Wilbur / techno yelling for silence / “Tommy you just did a coup...& instilled yourself as president” 2:12:11  “If you want to be a hero THAN DIE LIKE ONE” / wither spawning / killing his former allies 2:15:09  post fight talks / “There will be no new government today. It will be over my dead body” / “Techno was not the traitor” 2:18:50  “I need to increase the crater that is L’Manberg so that no country can rise in its place” / “Mom says it’s my turn on the flame bow” 2:23:51  “What I’m doing right now is small scale. This is the work of an individual. This is nothing compared to the cruelty governments all around the world [inflict]...systematically” / “Llamas are the primary victims of war” / “I just wanna be apart of the explosion” (George) 2:27:06  Techno joins vc / connor joins the server / “I hope you’re proud of yourself Techno” “I kinda am” / Jack Manifold (Thunder) being broke / netherite armor 2:32:30  “Beach episode” / Techno accidentally joins the L’Manberg vc 2:35:16  the base is compromised / “There’s no way Technoblade would put a clock there if it didn’t mean anything” / got robbed 2:37:37  “If you’re going to ask me how I got all these emerald & arrows that’s a story for another day” / explaining the bedrock / “I can give everyone stuff & it’ll be such a flex” 2:40:24  Greek mythology 2:41:45  The Golden Apple / “They didn’t use discord back then they used skype, so can’t invite Eris” / “Zeus the god of feminism” 2:46:02  Eret recruiting Techno to kill George / joining vc / “Let’s stop him before he gets land” / Awesamdude proposing a fight 2:49:08  “No one can kill me I’m invincible” (logs out) / Dream literally names the turtle potions Sam thinks he hasn’t heard of / “I’m at soup” / “It’s not smack talk he just has that many items” 2:53:06  “Stab him Dream, I’ll shout encouraging words” / Techno fighting Bad & Ant 2:56:23  Dream wins / “I think there was this Dream guy attacking you with some sort of weapon” 3:00:11  turtle potions / Dream hyping up Techno about fighting BBH / Badlands negotiating with George 3:04:34  vc with Philza 3:07:00  spider farm afk’ing / lagging Quackity’s computer 3:09:06  smp earth / Phil only logged on to back Techno up 3:10:32  killing George / “I’m gonna drop his armor off don’t jump me” / not fighting Dream 3:13:00  vc with Karl & Phil / Karl definitely not starting a government / “Chat that was the boring part, don’t leave” / 320k / “Why do we keep scheduling these on Monday?” 3:16:18  “I don’t even want to think about how famous Tommy will be in the future” / “I get a tad bitter” / covid is good for youtubers but obviously bad / “I’m so good at socially distancing” 3:19:51  “Aren’t you tired of being nice Philza? Don’t you just wanna go crazy” / “You should be wary of the old in a profession where people die young” / vc with Eret 3:21:47  “What if you built a slightly larger throne next to it?” /  “How are they paranoid of a mole but the guy with a track record of being a traitor gets no questions asked” 3:25:47  “I’m gonna place a block at the bottom & kill you instantly” / reverse mlg /  emerald rich even with Tubbo’s theft 3:27:57  “I’ll allow it” / upstairs chests robbed / Eret disconnects with the book 3:32:04  armor sabotage bc he thought it’d be 1v5 / crystals are mutually assured destruction / Wilbur afraid of tnt getting blown up early 3:34:11  the diary was actually Eret’s / “He’s gonna tell everyone who I have a crush on. Nooo” / reading the 100 page book / “Can I not win here?” “No” 3:40:14  “This stream has released more serotonin in my brain than the last 6 months combined” / revolution was overcrowded / could improve the crater 2:43:09  “Awkward ten minute period where I’m just sitting there watching them set up a new government but I can’t kill them yet” / Carl is missing 3:44:34  “The one time Technoblade is gonna roleplay & they talk over him” / “CARL” / “As long as Sapnap isn’t the one that took him there’ll still be hope” 3:46:10  “Once you start using end crystals it’s the only pvp that matters & end crystal pvp is so lame” / Webtoons 3:49:10  “What’s going to happen to you & WIlbur now?” “I don’t know, I think I’m chill with Wilbur” / “The only thing that changed is my voice. Zero personal growth” / lines from the first speech that got interrupted / “King George is trending booo” 3:52:00  1 million twitter followers / “O god it’s been four hours...I am not built for this” / did a 13 hour stream once / sub growth goals 3:56:30  “What the heck is Phil watching”

[largedenominationsplease]

you’d come over, right?

Summary: A year after Kiara and JJ broke up, they come home to the Outer Banks to deal with one of the hardest years of their lives.

Word Count: 5.2k

Warnings: swearing, canon-compliant smoking, au, minor character death, cancer, current events

A/N: Alternate Universe: JJ and Kiara dated seriously for a long while, but over a year before this story, they parted ways. Set in present-day with current events, but most current events are only mentioned briefly for context. All characters aged 21+. Partially inspired by If the World Was Ending by JP Saxe and Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi and current events and Sad Feels™ and a sad playlist my sister made. Come cry with me... also on ao3

Shoutout to @alexandracheers​ for proofreading <3

Sometimes even the most beautiful things die. It’s the sad cycle of life. 

It starts with a spark, a first touch, a first look, a first kiss; 

a few embers of warmth, holding hands, secret glances, flirty texts; 

the roaring flames of passion, clinging to one another, leaving the party early, tangled limbs and tangled sheets; 

then the steady heat of a well-tended fire, cozy mornings making coffee, binging your favorite shows, texting to see how your day is. 

But, sometimes, even the most loved and cared for fires die. They go out with little warning or reason. What was a welcome flame in the hearth one night may be a bed of ash by morning. 

Their fire died a long time ago. It wasn’t anyone’s fault - no one was trying to douse the flames - it just went out. When they sat down and discussed breaking up - parting ways was a more apropos term - she hadn’t even cried. When he packed up and moved out, it was unceremonious. He even kissed her forehead as he left, like he’d done a hundred times before, only this time he wasn’t coming back. 

She still dreamed about him. Sometimes unbidden images of picket fences and a dog and home-cooked meals and potted plants intruded upon her thoughts. Once, when her period was late, she’d even dreamt of a curly-haired little boy with blue eyes - which was ridiculous because she was very single at the time. Did she even want to have kids?

He thought about her, too. Each new destination she traveled to brought new Instagram posts and awakened an ache in his chest he couldn’t quite place. That ache deepened when she revisited places they had gone together - unwanted memories flooding his senses. The smell of coconut still sent him spinning, missing the feeling of running his fingers through her hair, over the smooth skin of her arms and legs. 

What hurt so badly about their fire dying wasn’t that it died. What hurt was that it should never have died; that it died so quietly and suddenly; that one day it was there, burning bright, and the next it was a cold gray heap of coals. 

Even their friends were surprised when he moved back home. “Where is she?” and “What happened?” and “We had no idea you had any problems.”

Followed by the futile response of, “It was just time to move on.”

And they did move on, eventually. She traveled to forget and perhaps after a few months she could call herself truly happy - though there was always an ache of not having someone to share each experience with. He stayed at home, but he opened his own business and the familiarity of home soothed any wounds he sustained. Their fire might have gone out, but they kept the bed of ash in the fireplace, a shrine to what they once had, and it was more comforting than sad after a time. 

When the virus first hit, she’d been back in the states, on the West Coast. She messaged him:

Are you safe? Still have a job? Anyone sick?

Fine for now. You?

Fine.

When the protesting started, he knew she’d be in the thick of it. Not that he didn’t get involved, he just knew her passion for people and justice. He messaged her back this time:

You’re protesting, aren’t you? Are you safe?

Of course! But I’m being careful. You?

Staying safe. Protesting here, too. 

Hurricane Isaias wasn’t meant to be a bad storm, but she had still tracked it up the East Coast. Her suspicions were confirmed when it intensified.

Isaias didn’t wipe y’all out, did it?

No, blew through pretty quick. The Cut took a hit. Gonna take some time to fix it up. 

At first, after reading the headlines about the fires out west, he thought it was a joke. As they spread, he realized how serious it was and it worried him. 

You evacuated, right? The air quality is shit where you are. 

Yep. Gonna take a pandemic-friendly tour of some national parks further east.

Every new development meant more messages sent. Simple little check-ins that meant nothing and everything. It was a scary year the world faced, and even after all those months apart, the only thing they wanted was to find comfort in one another’s safety. On opposite ends of the country, the two of them tied together by current events and the memory of their relationship. 

Mid-September, while she was traveling away from the fires on the West Coast, he got a call from her mother. He hadn’t spoken to her mother much since they had broken up, over a year ago, but she still liked his Instagram posts and struck up conversations when she saw him around town. 

“Hey, Mrs. Anna.”

“Hi, JJ. I’ve told you, it’s just Anna.” Her voice was soft and as kind as ever, but held an edge of tiredness and strain he hadn’t heard from her before. “We have some… tough news, and we wanted you to hear it from us first.”

Colon cancer…

Kiara’s hearing faded into white noise as her mother spoke those words to her through the phone. Her mother went on to explain that even though they caught it late, the doctors were optimistic that her father would make a recovery. Treatments were set to start right away. 

“Mom, I’m coming home.”

“Honey, we know you’ve got traveling plans. We’ll be fine. We don’t want to interrupt your-”

“Mom, I can’t do much traveling with this virus. Dad is more important than any of that, anyway. I’m coming home.”

JJ cried when Anna hung up the phone. Mike was rough around the edges, and he was resistant to Kiara dating a Maybank, but once JJ won him over, he treated him like a son. Hearing this news was a punch to the gut - it was like losing a father. Even in the midst of his sadness he knew Kiara would be sent into a tailspin.

Hey. You okay?

She was typing in response, then nothing. He waited, seeing the little bubble pop up again and again and fade away each time. And then she videocalled. She hadn’t called him in months - not since they parted ways. The little screen showed her in her car, only illuminated by her dim phone screen and the passing street lights. Tears stained her cheeks, but she kept her eyes trained on the road. “I’m not okay.”

“You’re driving right now?”

“I’m coming home.”

“Kiara, pull over. It’s late. Get some sleep.”

“I can’t. They caught it late - he might… who knows how much time I have-”

“Kie.” His voice was soft. He was always soft toward her.

Her face crumpled as the tears fell fresh. He let her cry. He talked to her about nothing and everything as her tears subsided. She cried as she drove through the night, talking to him when she was calm, crying harder when the conversation lulled. She didn’t stop until she noticed he’d fallen asleep, the video call still rolling. It was after four in the morning. The pang of nostalgia that tore through her was enough to make her catch her breath. They hadn’t talked like that since they first started dating. A few tears sneaked out of the corners of her eyes, but she couldn’t tell if the memories or the fear of the future caused them. She found a safe place to park and fell into a fitful sleep in the back of her car. 

She made it home just in time for her dad’s first surgery. JJ met her and her mother at the hospital parking lot, all masks and six-feet of distance until she said, “I could really use a hug.” The three of them colliding into a group hug within seconds. 

JJ made sure the Carreras didn’t need anything as Mike went through chemo and more and more hospital stays. He ran errands for them since none of them could risk going out and bringing anything home. He did yard work since Mike hated an unkept lawn. Kiara always made sure to leave him snacks and drinks on the back deck as the North Carolina heat stretched into October. Aside from that, he willingly put himself at Anna’s beck and call. Anything and everything she needed done, he jumped at the opportunity to help. He would even come over in the evenings to play cards with Mike - masks included. Kiara’s heart ached as she watched her parents get along with him so well. She hadn’t realized how far he had wormed his way into their little family, but here they were, acting as though nothing had changed between him and their daughter, loving him like a son. He praised her mom’s cooking until she blushed and there were times he could make her dad laugh so hard they all forgot for a moment that cancer existed. Those moments were fleeting and oh-so cherished. 

Mike deteriorated quickly. It made Kiara sick to see her father become a cancer-wasted shell of himself. As optimistic as the doctors had been originally, the treatments weren’t taking well. As chemo wrapped up, his numbers were still dangerously high. November brought another emergency surgery that confirmed their worst fears. Mike moved home. They were told all that was left was to manage the pain and make him as comfortable as they could. They had perhaps a month left. JJ moved into the guest room to be as close as possible in case anything was needed from him. The four of them were left waiting as Thanksgiving approached. 

Kiara wasn’t sleeping. Maybe it was knowing her ex-boyfriend was staying down the hall from her, though that was an odd thing to focus on. More likely, it was the fact that her father was passing away right before her eyes, slipping through her fingers as she stood by, helpless. The sun had set hours ago, and she sat with a now-cold cup of tea in front of her at the kitchen table, mulling over each crazy event that had led her to this point. 

JJ wandered into the kitchen, opening the fridge to inspect the contents. “What are you doing up so late?” he asked.

“I could ask you the same thing.” The words came out harsher than she had intended, but then again, she was exhausted in every single sense of the term.

JJ brushed off her roughness. “Hungry. Did you eat dinner?” He knew she hadn’t, so he set about making an extra sandwich.

After a few moments of silence, Kiara whispered, “It’s all my fault.”

“What?”

“It’s my fault,” she repeated, her lip trembling. “I always kept track of his appointments for him. He was always shit at remembering to go to the doctor. He should have had one last year, but I didn’t come home and I didn’t remind him. If I hadn’t broken up with you, I would have been here to remind him to go.” Tears shone in her eyes and on her cheeks.

JJ gave her a quizzical look, deciphering what she was saying. “I seem to recall being the one who left. But really none of this is anyone’s fault,” he kept his voice even, wanting nothing more than to hug her, to wipe away all the tears, and make sure she never had to shed another one again.

“I know, I know, it’s ridiculous, but it’s what keeps running through my head.” She reached up and readjusted the messy bun that her hair was falling out of. “But, for the record, I asked you to leave.” JJ raised an eyebrow as she said this, as though he didn’t believe her. The truth was, neither of them really remembered who had dumped who or why he had left in the first place. Nothing happened that they couldn’t work out with a little bit of effort. “Didn’t I?” she faltered.

He shrugged. “I don’t remember.”

“We just fought a lot, didn’t we?”

“Constantly. You were a bitch.”

She turned to him, mouth open. She slapped at his shoulder, “I know you did not just call me a bitch, bitch!”

He smirked at her. “Maybe you weren’t that bad. Apparently, I was a slob.”

“You are a slob,” she chuckled. Then she sighed and moved to heat up her tea. “But that’s no reason to dump someone. We just… fell out of love, I guess.”

“I didn’t.” His voice was so soft he was barely even sure he had spoken. Based on the way Kiara froze, her back tense, he’d definitely said those private thoughts aloud.

She turned slowly, her face pale with lack of sleep and - something else. Was that anger? Or sadness? “You’ve had more than a year to confess something like that to me, and you choose now?”

JJ shrugged helplessly, unsure of what to say.

“That was the issue all along, wasn’t it?” Kiara’s voice shook, but she kept her tone cool, even. “You wouldn’t communicate with me.”

“Oh, come on, Kie, that’s not fair.” It was too late for a fight. They were both tired and emotional. This wouldn’t end well.

“What’s not fair?” Her voice had started to rise in volume and pitch as her anger increased. She wasn’t even sure why she was angry in the first place, but something about JJ’s confession caused her blood to boil. “The fact that you didn’t admit you still loved me when you left over a year ago? Or the fact that you choose to admit that to me while I’m exhausted and emotionally compromised?”

“Don’t be like that! That’s not what I’m doing.” JJ tried to keep his voice lower than hers, so they wouldn’t wake Mike or Anna, but the way her eyes flashed told him that wouldn’t happen. He grabbed her bicep and led her out to the backyard.

“Let go of me!” She pulled away from him, trying to hide the shiver that ran up her spine in the cool November evening air. “You don’t get to manhandle me and manipulate me into falling back into your arms like nothing happened.”

“That’s not-“ JJ ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. “You know I’m shit at communicating this stuff.”

“At saying ‘I love you?’ At being emotionally present? Listen, I know your dad was fucked up and he fucked you up, but you’re a grown-ass man now. You could have learned how to be there for me!”

“Don’t bring him into this!” They’d had this fight a million times before. The recurring theme of their demise being communication. Their fire had been sputtering under the faulty system they had in place long before they realized what their problems were - it was something neither of them wanted to admit. “Fuck it, Kie, even if I had wanted to get any better at communicating, you were no help. You held every single one of my mistakes over my head. There was no road to redemption for you.”

“No, no that’s not true. I tried to help you-“

“Only telling me what I did wrong wasn’t helpful.”

She opened her mouth and closed it again, stuttering in anger. “Well… if you still loved me so much, why did you leave?”

“Why stay when I knew you didn’t love me anymore?” JJ’s voice dropped and he avoided eye contact with her. 

Her eyes grew wide in realization. “You know what? Fuck you! I loved you until the day you left. If I had known you weren’t coming back I would have fought harder to keep you with me, and if you’re too dense to see-” He cut her words off, cupping her face in his hands and kissing her roughly. She melted into him, a single tear squeezing itself from her eye. He tasted of a coconut flavored vape pod and nicotine and the sea. He was just as stupid and lovely as ever. It only lasted a moment before she shoved at his chest, clearing her throat and turning from him to hide the blush rising to her cheeks. 

“I’m… I’m seeing someone,” she muttered by way of explanation.

“Oh.” JJ licked his lips, missing her more than he had before he kissed her. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t know. Who is it? Why aren’t they here?” He hadn’t meant to add that last part, but he was curious. Who could she be seeing that wouldn’t support her during all of this? Who could she want to be with that wasn’t there, like he was?

“Um, her name’s Fern. I asked her not to come. I didn’t want her to meet my dad this way.” She started to walk toward the door, wrapping her arms around herself in the cold November evening air. 

“Kie,” JJ called after her. She turned slightly, to catch his eye out of the corner of her own. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything… I fucked a lot of things up. And I’m sorry about your dad.”

She nodded. “Me too.” With everything, she added mentally, and he knew she had.

Kiara and JJ wordlessly promised each other that they wouldn't let their differences ruin the upcoming holidays. So Thanksgiving passed uneventfully. It was almost a normal Carrera family holiday, besides the fact that Anna and JJ did most of the cooking. Mike tried once or twice to wander into the kitchen, but he didn’t make it long before having to sit back down. Kiara made him comfortable on the couch and they watched what little football was playing. She was sure to commentate on each play alongside him. The four of them ate extreme amounts of food, and laughed and played games. “Tomorrow we go get our Christmas tree,” Mike announced at the end of the night. Kiara bit her lip and glanced at JJ. He shrugged half-heartedly.

“That’s right, baby,” Anna replied, looking meaningfully at the others. 

And they did. They didn’t travel to the mountains, like other years, but they did go down to the local tree lot. Kiara made a big fuss about finding the fattest tree and over-scrutinized each one until she found the perfect Christmas tree, just like always. JJ had spent holidays with the Carrera’s before, but he had never been so intimately involved in all of their traditions. He thought Christmas might just become his favorite holiday at this rate. 

The weeks leading to Christmas weren’t all smooth sailing. Just a few days after Thanksgiving Mike was confined almost exclusively to a hospital bed in the living room. A nurse moved in a few days after that. He slept fitfully if he slept at all, and most days, the pain (or the pain medication) kept him from interacting with the rest of them. Kie would read to him in the evenings, starting with A Christmas Carol. He fell asleep after only a few paragraphs each time, so it took a long while to get through the story. All four of them watched classic Christmas movie after classic Christmas movie - many of which JJ hadn’t ever seen (to which Anna always replied, “That’s going on our list, then!”). Mike managed to stay awake for the entirety of Elf, his favorite. 

Christmas day was quiet. JJ cooked breakfast for everyone, and Anna gushed about how good his cooking had gotten. They had opted not to exchange gifts this holiday, instead filling their stockings with all their favorite candies and snacks. It had been JJ’s idea, and Kiara thought he might have been a secret genius for suggesting it. In the afternoon, Fern called Kie and they talked for over an hour. JJ thought she looked satisfied when she returned, but nowhere near as happy as one should be when they got off a long conversation with their girlfriend. It was probably just the current circumstances. She didn’t say anything other than, “What’s the next movie, Dad?”

Mike died two days after Christmas. He went in his sleep, which was exactly what he had wanted. No fuss, no doctors trying desperately to save him. Just a good night’s sleep where he peacefully breathed his last. He didn’t look the same as he once had. Cancer had changed him so drastically, his once strong imposing frame a mere shadow of its former glory. But his face was smoothed out, lines of pain, grief, and illness wiped away, leaving simply peace. He could have been asleep, but now he would never wake up. Looking at him, Kiara felt like she was drowning. Like every breath she fought to take just filled her lungs with more and more water. Her dad was her rock, and now she was sinking in a wide, dark ocean. She thought she might never breathe again. 

The funeral was tiny - it was only close family that attended - three days after he passed. The sky was clear and blue and the air was cold, typical North Carolina winter. It had snowed the day before, just a bit, so the ground was frozen and white. It could have been beautiful if it wasn’t so heartbreaking. Anna didn’t cry that day. She said she had cried enough. The snow started falling again that evening, once they got home, and she said that was Mike’s way of telling her he loved her. She loved the snow.  

JJ went back home the day after the New Year. Anna told him to stay as long as he wanted, but he said it was time for him to move on. She understood, hugged him tightly before he went, admonishing him to come around often. He said he would, and promised to help with anything she needed around the house, too. Kiara sat huddled on the front porch in a rocking chair, wrapped in a thick blanket with a cup of hot cocoa as he walked out. “You’re not going to say goodbye?” he teased kindly. 

She looked up at him, her eyes still bloodshot and sorrowful. He wanted to hold her. He wished she had never had to go through any of this. She didn’t deserve it. “I don’t know what to say,” she said. “You’ve done so much for us.”

JJ shook his head. “It was selfish. I thought if I was nearby maybe it wouldn’t happen.”

“It was anything but selfish,” She insisted, standing up and wrapping the blanket tighter around her shoulders. She placed a cold hand on his cheek. “Really, J. We couldn’t have made it through any of this without you.”

JJ might have leaned too deeply into her touch, no matter how cold her hands were. It somehow felt colder when she moved away. He cleared his throat. “So what’re your plans now? Getting back on the road?”

“Not until spring. Mom won’t admit it, but she’s not ready to be alone. She’ll need some help coping. And honestly, I’m not itching to leave.”

“I thought you’d wanna skip out as soon as possible. Doesn’t Fern miss you?”

She squinted her eyes but didn’t say anything in response. “I’ll miss having you around, Maybank.”

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’ll still be around. I think your mom will institute Sunday dinners or some shit if I don’t come over regularly.”

Kie chuckled. “She really loves you. Dad does - did, too.” Her voice broke slightly.

“I love them, too,” JJ said, honestly. He pressed a kiss to her forehead before picking up his bags and leaving. Kiara caught her breath as his lips brushed her skin, warmth spreading from where he made contact. Her wide eyes stayed glued to his figure as he loaded up his truck and drove away. 

If normal could be achieved after a year like the Carrera women had experienced, they worked their hardest to achieve it. Anna threw herself into caring for the Wreck and it had the best off-season it had had in years. Kiara wrote songs and worked alongside her mother and even took some online classes. Anna did indeed institute Sunday dinners with JJ and he came to as many of them as he could. Life was slow to move forward, but Kie and Anna kept each other afloat, reminding themselves that Mike wouldn’t have wanted them to sit still crying over him. Step by step they picked up the pieces of their lives. 

Things went along this way for a couple months or so. The world was calming down, but not fully quiet yet - when was the world ever quiet? Kiara never thought she could enjoy the quiet slow life that was the Outer Banks during the off-season, but after the year she’d had, she wanted nothing more than simple domesticity. She said as much during one of their Sunday dinners, enticing a knowing smile from her mother and a surprising lack of eye contact from JJ. She cornered him on the back deck when he’d stepped out to smoke. She was grateful they had regained some of the ease their friendship had carried when they were younger. “Okay, what was that all about?”

He chewed on his lip, twisting his cigarette between his fingers. He’d given up weed a while back when they were traveling, out of necessity, but she was secretly glad he’d never taken it up again. “I’m leaving,” he said abruptly. 

“Leaving? Going where?” 

“Not sure yet. My cousin’s gonna watch the shop for me. Travel the states for a bit until it’s safer to leave the country. Then Mexico? Maybe.”

“When will you be back?” 

He shrugged, “Don’t know. Not for a long time.”

“Why?” Her mouth had gone dry and her words had run out. JJ was a die-hard salt-lifer. He might pack up and leave occasionally, but the Outer Banks was home, where he belonged. She thought that no matter where he went, he’d always end up back here. Home. How could he leave now?

He turned to look at her, urgency and honesty shining in his eyes. “I know he was your dad, and I probably don’t have the right to feel this way, but I…” 

“You lost him, too,” she said, understanding.

“Need a change of scenery.” He shrugged again, putting out his cigarette before walking back inside. 

Kiara understood better than most the need to keep moving, the change of scenery a welcome distraction. Traveling alone left a lot of time to think and soul-search. She didn’t peg JJ as the soul-searching type, but grief changed people; he needed time. She could support him in that.

“You’re going with him, right?” Anna asked sternly as she and her daughter washed dishes that evening. JJ had just left. 

“What?” Kiara nearly dropped the plate she was drying. 

“JJ told me all about his plans. Getting out of here for a while will be good for him!” She waved a hand over her shoulder, dismissing Kiara’s shocked expression. “He talks to me, too, you know? Always has.”

Kiara chuckled lightly, “So even though he and I broke up, he never broke up with y’all?”

“You shouldn’t have broken up with him.”

Kiara’s heart stopped for a moment, as she processed what her mother had said. “What do you mean?” She started slowly. “I thought you didn’t approve of me dating someone from the Cut.”

Anna sighed, setting down a half-washed pan. She turned to her daughter. “Your dad and I always wanted what was best for you. We thought that meant college, a solid career, marrying up. But we realized recently that that is never what life’s about.” She reached out and took Kiara’s hands, tears starting to shine in her eyes. “Your dad was from the Cut. When we first got married, we had nothing except each other but being with him was the best decision I ever made. He made me happy. I think I made him happy, too.”

“You definitely made him happy, Mom. But JJ and I fought all the time, we couldn’t sort things out.”

Anna scoffed, “Your dad and I fought, too. Fights happen, but you have to realize you’re not fighting each other, you’re a team fighting the problem. Once you figure that out, you can work through anything.”

Kiara shook her head, but she had a soft smile on her lips. “Mom, I just don’t know.”

Anna smiled, tearfully. “That is what life’s about. Nobody knows! What really matters is who is there to walk with you in the unknown. Who is there for you when you need them? Through the good and the bad. Your dad was that person for me.” She paused and looked at Kiara meaningfully, “So I’ll ask again: are you going with him?”

She shouldn’t, but while considering all of this somehow she felt freer. Her father had just died, she should still be mourning him, and yet she knew that he wouldn’t want her to wallow - she had to pick herself up. You knew this was coming, she heard his voice in her head. She hoped she would never forget what that voice sounded like. You knew I was going. Now that I’m gone, you’re free to live your life again. Live it, Kiara.

JJ finished buying his ticket for the ferry. It was cold out, more snow on its way. He had some time to kill before loading up his truck, but not much. He double-checked the straps on his luggage in the bed of the truck and was just beginning to contemplate how to pass the time when he heard his name being called. He turned to see Kiara running toward him, backpack bouncing wildly on her back. She was all flushed cheeks and shining eyes and curls tumbling around her shoulders. 

“I broke up with Fern,” her words came out in a rush as she drew near him before he could even greet her. “I broke up with her months ago.”

“O-okay,” JJ replied, heart pounding. A million thoughts ran through his mind. He had just seen Kiara, why hadn’t she mentioned it then? Or before then? Why had she come all the way here to tell him that?

“And I’m coming with you,” she continued. 

“What?” JJ wasn’t one to be lost for words, but he couldn’t say anything else. 

“You make me happy. When the world went to shit you were the one person I wanted to know was safe. You were there for me and my whole family in the darkest few months of our lives and you really cared about us. I don’t care that we fought or that we will fight because being with you makes me happier than I ever thought possible.”

If she was going to say anything else, her words were swallowed up when he kissed her, hands cupping her cold cheeks. “I love you,” he said when she pulled back to breathe. “I never stopped. I didn’t know how to fight for you, how to stay, but I’ll do better. I can be better.”

She pressed another kiss to his lips. “Shut up, we’ll figure it out. We can do it right this time.” 

Sometimes things die. It’s a sad cycle. The brightest fires turn cold and gray. But with time, new sparks can settle in that bed of ash. With care a new fire can start, burning brighter than before. So, even though things sometimes die, sometimes those dead things lead to an even more beautiful beginning.

[chikoriita]

Secret Agent Elf

Here is my @mlsecretsanta fic for @xiueryn! I really hope you enjoy it!

Read on AO3

"Let me understand what you're saying." Alya stirred her hot chocolate languidly. She furtively looked over Marinette's shoulder to find the boy in question. He seemed innocent enough as he bagged his customer's purchases. "You believe that Adrien is an elf? Not even a Lord of the Rings elf, but one of Santa's helpers!" She could barely keep her laughter contained.

Marinette shushed her. "Not so loud!" She took her own look to make sure no one, especially not Adrien, heard her. If she lingered a little longer than necessary, Alya thankfully did not comment.

"Marinette, you've had a few too many late nights. Adrien is not magical to anyone except you." Alya raised a knowing brow. "Is this an excuse to avoid talking to him?"

"No! I talk to him all the time." Marinette maintained eye contact with her best friend. Her tiny crush on Adrien had nothing to do with her suspicions. If anything, the only thing holding her back was her certainty of his elfin origins.

She made the connection three weeks prior, at the start of the Christmas season for Agreste Fine Goods. One of the largest department stores in the city, Agreste Fine Goods catered to every need of the Parisian family. From couture to off the rack, from interior design to furniture kits, the store had it all.

"It all" included the opportunity to intern directly under Gabriel Agreste. Out of the entire city, Marinette was chosen to be the fall intern. Unlike past interns, Gabriel chose her himself. As part of her course, he guided her through everything from designing to marketing to in-store operations. Personally.

She did not mind the extra scrutiny. Gabriel built the business from a tailor's shop to its current state. Any knowledge she could glean from him was worth it. Even if her internship coincided with the dreaded retail season of Christmas.

Gabriel, the Mentor, was tough, but when it came to Gabriel, the store owner, and the Christmas season, he took no chances for disaster. It was the most profitable time of year. Thus he took on dozens of new employees in preparation. Adrien was one of the seasonal hires. He arrived at the store with a cheerful attitude on November 1st.

(Marinette should have started suspecting then; what retail worker was cheerful during the Christmas season?)

"Magical things happen when he's around!"

Alya snorted. "Fine. If you can bring proof that he's a "Christmas elf", then I will believe you. But!" She held up a finger. "If you can't, because he's a human being, you have to ask him to our New Year's Eve party! Either way, I win."

--

Observation Report 1

Date: December 20

Subject: Adrien

Setting: Santa's Workshop

21:00 - Subject observed tinkering with the decorations in Santa's Workshop. I put up those decorations. What did he feel like needed to be fixed? Could those sparks be coming from his fingers?

Note – Upon his exit from the workshop, collided with the subject. The subject smelled of peppermint and marshmallows.

Observation Report 2

Date: December 22

Subject: Adrien and Staff

Setting: Break Area

12:00 - Subject brought copious amounts of hot chocolate to the common area for staff only. Two hours later, the normally hectic, frantic, and grumpy restockers wore grins of joy. The cashiers did not shed one tear that morning. A peek into the customer service room indicated that there was some magic afoot. Upon entering, they wished Gabriel and me a "Merry Christmas". (The last time we ventured to Customer Service, even Gabriel hesitated to cross the threshold into their lair)

Note – he brought me a personalized mug of the chocolate, and there was no aftertaste of any added ingredients. Thus, it must have been magical to calm the staff in their mania.

Observation Report 3

Date: December 23

Subject: Adrien

Setting: Loading Dock

22:00 – Subject found with a large sack of packages in the trunk of his car (a rental). The packages did not have the AFG logo on the wrapping, and thus not packages from the store. When Subject was approached, he had a bashful grin. The packages were going to a local homeless shelter.

Quote: "A benefactor asked me to drop these off to make sure the children have presents to wake up to on Christmas morning. Every kid deserves to have a present to unwrap. Please don't tell anyone you saw me with these gifts." Sidenote: The look in his eyes was heart-melting; how could I not listen to him? Second Sidenote: His ears were looking pointier than normal. Could it be a side effect of Christmastime?

22:45 – After helping Subject stuff the gifts in the car, I returned home to find a similarly packed gift in my purse. Upon inspection, it was far more delicate than the other gifts in his car and had a note attached to it.

[Attached Note Contents]

Marinette,

For all of the cherished memories you’ve helped make since we met. You were the best part of my Christmas, by far.

Love, Adrien

--

She reached the logical conclusion the next night in her makeshift office.

Adrien was definitely an Elf.

Marinette wanted more than anything to inform Alya of her observations. After all, she was right, was she not? Telling Alya was the whole point of the investigation. Still, there was something that held her back.

After all, if Adrien was an elf, then it followed that Santa was also real. Santa Claus, the same jolly fellow that sorted the people of the world into two distinct lists. And if she outed one of Santa's actual elves, then there was no doubt which Marinette would be on for the rest of her life.

Her eye caught the package he had given her the night before. Inside had been a lovely pair of jet earrings. More importantly, she thought as she ran her hand over the note, what would he think of her?

Well, that only left one option didn't it?

--

To tell the truth, he hadn't expected anyone to follow him out of the store on Christmas Eve. At this point in life, Adrien knew better than to lose track of his surroundings. Even in the safety of such a nice neighborhood, anything could happen. Though he could admit, if he had to choose someone to accost him in the street, it would be Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

A surprisingly strong arm looped through his elbow and pulled him close. "I've been waiting for you!" Marinette gasped.

He looked down into her wide eyes. "Why?”

She furtively glanced around. The back alley of Agreste Fine Goods was not the best place for a conversation. "We need to talk. We can go to my parent's bakery." She tugged him toward Rue Gotlib. "They're closed for Christmas Eve, and we'll have privacy there."

Adrien would have lingered longer on the privacy if the thought of delicious pastries had not intruded. In any case, his feet were following her lead.

Before he realized what was going on, she had him settled in the bakery with two steaming mugs of coffee and the end of day croissants.

“Sorry, it’s not much.” She grinned and took a sip.

On a cold and snowy night like this, he was in a cozy bakery with the cutest girl from work. He thought it was perfect.

They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes. "Adrien." Marinette placed her mug firmly on the countertop and sighed. "I need to confess."

He met her gaze. She seemed burdened by something. What on Earth could she need to confess? On Christmas Eve no less?

"I know your secret."

In hindsight, maybe drinking something hot was not the best choice when having such a conversation. "My what?" He choked. How could she have found out? He thought he had been so careful.

To be fair, he wasn't surprised Marinette found out. Over the last few weeks, she paid closer attention to him than any of the other seasonal workers at the store. Only… Only he hoped it was for a more affectionate reason.

"I figured out your identity. I didn't mean to, but it was so obvious. After all, when you're around everything seems more magical," she blurted out.

Magical? "I'm not sure I follow," He said slowly.

Marinette began to pace back and forth. "Alya said I was being silly, but now I know I'm not. You're so beyond my reach, especially with my internship ending and you leaving. I don't want things to change between us."

He felt his stomach hollow. "Does the truth really have to change how you treat me?"

"I don't want it to change," she repeated softly. "You're wonderful."

He grabbed her hands and stopped her pacing. Pulling her close, he gently said, "Marinette, look at me. Does knowing the truth make a difference of how you feel?" Adrien hoped more than anything that she would deny it.

"Feel?" Her breath smelled of mint chocolate.

"Knowing the truth shouldn't change how we feel about each other." He leaned closer and placed his lips on her cheek. "My feelings certainly won't change."

"This probably won't work. The geographical distance is too large." Marinette sighed.

"I won't be that far away."

She giggled. "The North Pole is pretty far Adrien."

"That is true- Wait what?!" He wrenched back.

"The North Pole. Where you live? Isn't that what we've been talking about?" She sat down on a barstool.

This girl had a way of knocking his world off-axis in more ways than one. "Not to my knowledge." His voice came out higher than he expected. "What exactly did you find out?"

To her credit, she turned redder than a tomato. She mumbled her next words, but he could swear he heard "elf" somewhere. Were his ears deceiving him?

A small spark of mischief entered his voice. "Come again?" He teased. He had a feeling they would enjoy this in future Christmases.

"That you're a Christmas elf on assignment from Santa Claus. Now I realize that might sound far fetched, but I had my reasons!" Marinette quickly said. She narrowed her eyes and held up a finger before he could speak. "And before you say a word, Mister-" The fire from her voice died down. "What is your last name anyway?"

Oh this was going to be great. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and leaned down to her ear. "I realize that I never properly introduced myself. My name is Adrien Agreste."

Her body stiffened in his embrace. He slowly turned her around to see the dumbfounded look on her face. Adrien took the few moments of silence to study the enigma of Marinette. He saw the gears working behind those expressive eyes of hers. She blinked once, then twice. He braced for anger and possibly humiliation.

But Marinette never reacted how one would expect. Her mouth widened into a grin. "It's slightly disappointing, to tell you the truth." She batted her eyes at him.

He scrunched his mouth in confusion. "Disappointing?"

Marinette grabbed him around the waist and pulled him closer. "Don't you think flirting with a Christmas elf would be rather exciting?" She heaved a sigh. "I guess I will have to settle for the boss's son. Although, I did hear a rumor that he was some kind of model."

If he hadn't seen the wink, he might have taken a bit of offense. Instead, he played along. "Take me out of my misery, Miss Dupain-Cheng! I adore you."

"I might adore you as well. But please explain a few things to me before we continue with all our adoration." She released him, and patted the seat next to her.

“Ask away, milady.”

She pulled out a small notebook from her bag. Flipping to the back, she began, “What were you doing in Santa’s Workshop four days ago?”

He was impressed. She had notes. Real notes. Only Marinette, he thought with a smile. “I was fixing the lights on the chair. The photographer was complaining that the bulbs were interfering with his “art.” It made more sense to rewire the lights to not twinkle.”

“That explains the sparks…” Marinette murmured.

“What else do you have for me, Secret Agent Elf?”

“What about the hot chocolate?” She smirked.

Adrien felt his ears burn. He had heard enough about that from his father that day. “I… Um…”

“Yes?”

“I brought spiked hot cocoa to the break area. My roommate wanted to play a prank on my dad, and there was some collateral damage.” The Customer Care department in particular was hit hard. Their antics tipped Gabriel off to what happened.

“I drank the same cocoa, and nothing happened to me!”

Marinette stared him down with her big blue eyes, and he couldn’t help but tell the truth. “I made yours by hand,” he mumbled and dropped his face in his hands.

“That is so sweet.” She rubbed his shoulder. “One more thing, and then we’re done. Where did all the gifts come from?”

He groaned once more. “You really can’t tell anyone about this. Father and I use the “wages” that I earn to send those gifts to the shelter. My mother, she used to volunteer there. He does not want anyone to know we are the donors.”

“Why not?”

Adrien lifted his head and shot her a cheeky grin. “To be fair, in any other conversation, the explanation wouldn’t be nearly as funny. He made a deal with the director at the shelter. They would keep his name private, and instead, I would deliver the gifts dressed as an elf in lieu of Santa Claus.”

She snorted, which led to her bursting into laughter. Even her laugh was enchanting. Before long, he joined in, thinking of the silliness of it all.

When they had a chance to relieve all their tension, Adrien wore his jacket and scarf once more. “I should probably head out. Your parents probably want to see you at some point this evening.”

“If you must,” she wistfully said, walking him to the door.

“Hey.” He lifted her chin and leaned close. “Since I will be closer than the North Pole, would you like to go on a date? A real one? A date nowhere near Agreste Fine Goods?”

“Of course I would. I still need to ask you to Alya’s New Year’s Eve party.” She tilted her head higher.

“Two dates!” Adrien laughed. “Miss Dupain-Cheng, I would be delighted.” With those words, he lowered his lips and spun her around.

[duhragonball]

Nanwum IV toolboxkit

I have a love/hate relationship with the word “tool”.  On the one hand, tools are awesome.    I like holding a big screwdriver and thinking about all the screws I can loosen with it.    I ordered a thing at work yesterday and I can’t wait for it to arrive.   There’s a rush of power in knowing some object will solve a bunch of problems.   Look out, screws.

On the other hand, it annoys me how people use the term “tool” in a more abstract sense, like statistical “tools” or using a flow chart to figure out what to do.    I can’t hold any of that crap, so calling it a tool feels like a bait-and-switch.   But I can appreciate the power of the term.   If you can liken a thing to a power drill, then you have my attention.   

Anyway, this weekend is for making preparations for National Novel Writing Month, which starts next Sunday, so I thought it would be useful to go over the stuff that I use to get me through it.  

1) The NaNoWriMo website.

Back in 2017, I seriously considered not even bothering with the website, because I figured it had nothing to offer.    I’m the one doing all the work, right?   But tracking progress is an effective motivator, and I like being able to see a chart that shows how well I’m doing.    There’s some bugs in it.    For some reason it doesn’t show my Camp Nano April 2018 as being complete, and when I tried to fix it, it doubled the word count instead.  

It’s also useful for where I’m at today.    Now that I’ve done this thing a few times, I can measure current performance against past years.  November 2018 was my personal best, so I’m going to use that as a model for this year.    I don’t need to beat 2018-me, but I do need to remind myself that I’ve performed this well in the past.  

2) George R. R. Martin motivational desktop wallpaper.

I started doing this as a joke, but looking at this dude sitting at his computer, not writing is a much more powerful motivator than I ever thought possible.  The idea is that if I minimize the writing window to do something else, I have to look this dude in the eye before I can look up Robocop clips on YouTube.   I’ve had months where I was struggling to meet the goal, and then I went “Oh, yeah, I forgot to change my desktop pic, and it pushes me over the finish line.   It’s like Popeye eating spinach.   

Now the Tone Police will take issue with something like this, and call it arrogant.   “How dare you put down a highly successful fantasy author just to make yourself feel confident,” they’ll say as they wag their finger.   “Don’t you care that you might be making procrastinators feel bad?”  To that I say: fuck’em.  

See, I’m a world-class procrastinator in my own right.   I have to get hyped for this stuff every year, because that’s the only way I can build up enough momentum to see it through.    Like all Sith Lords, I have to call upon all of my emotions -- fear, anger, pride, fernweh -- to fuel the creative monster.  I don’t make a dime on this, so if I can’t take some bloody satisfaction out of it then what’s the point?   

I’m pretty sure George doesn’t even know I do this, but in case he’s reading this, let me address him specifically: George, I’ve cranked out three of these Nanwums and you still haven’t finished Winds of Winter, which is well on its way to becoming the Duke Nukem Forever of modern fantasy.   I don’t know if you got soft, like Rocky in Rocky IV, or maybe you’ve lost your confidence like Rocky in Rocky III, but you have to kindle a fire under your ass, even if it’s a silly fire, like fear of dying before the book goes to print, or getting it done just to spite assholes like me.   But find something and use it.  

3) Kenny Omega vs. Sonny Kiss, AEW Dynamite 10/21/2020

This was a first-round match in a tournament for the right to challenge for the AEW World title, and it was Kenny’s big return to singles action, so I guess the idea here was to make him look strong by having him crush Sonny Kiss in under 15 seconds.   I’ve seen blowouts in wrestling before, but this one speaks to me on a different level, and I’m sorely tempted to swap out my GRRM image with this shot of in-the-zone Kenny Omega.

Because I feel this right now.    This isn’t like last year or the year before, where I got behind working on stuff in October so I wasn’t fully prepared.   I got all caught up a few weeks ago, and I have eight days to get ready.    I haven’t written a thing in weeks, and I’m itching to get back to it.    I want a big Day One total to start the month off, and seeing this match makes me want to aim even higher than 7000 words.    Can I hit 10,000 in one day?    The Cleaner sure thinks so.  Clapclap-clap clap clap.   

4) Focus Writer

You can check it out for yourself at https://gottcode.org/focuswriter/

The main selling point for Focus Writer is that it can be used for “distraction free” writing, in that it’s default setting makes it tricky to minimize the window to do other stuff.   But I turned that off a while back.    For my purposes, I just need the word counter.  

One thing I learned while editing work instead of writing from scratch is that you can just set the word count goal to 100 words.    That way, the percentage displayed at the bottom of the screen will keep track of how many words you’ve written in that session.   So if you write 1275 new words, the counter will say 1275%.  

I used to set actual goals, like 3500 words for the day or whatever, but I found myself constantly trying to calculate what 53% of that is, and that ended up being a huge distraction in itself.    So now I just stick to the 100 word “goal” and use it to track my actual progress, rather than setting lofty goals that I may not need to actually hit.   The Nano website does that for me anyway.

5) The Adventures of Dumplin

I’m essentially adapting the events of Dragon Ball Xenoverse 1 into this story, so I could break out my PS3 and play it through again to remind me of all the stuff I wanted to use from 2015, but it’s a lot easier to just watch someone else play it instead.   Team FourStar’s playthrough of the Xenoverse games is some of their best material, as far as I’m concerned, and knowing this is one of my go-to references is going to make this November pretty awesome.   

I’m not sure I could, or should, work Dumplin into my fic.  If I did, he couldn’t be the same guy who saved the day in this LP series, because I’m having Luffa do all that.   Early on, I envisioned a scene where she wakes up one morning after a night of heavy drinking and finds Dumplin in bed with her, but that seemed a little too goofy to use.    But I want you to have that mental picture anyway, so I’m writing about it here.

6) Diet Pepsi

Straight Edge, Hard Core.    Stephen King’s a wuss for using cocaine to help him write.   

[sinsbymanka]

50 Questions You Have Never Been Asked

Tagged by @lostinfantasies38! Tagging - @tuffypelly, @corylion, @eranehn, @silvanils, @fandomn00blr, @odekiax, and whoever else wants in!

1. What is the color of your hairbrush?

And immediately I have to reveal how high maintenance I am. I have four. They’re red, teal, and black and they’re all different no matter what my husband says. 

2. A food you never eat?

Tapioca - I’m allergic (which is a shame because BUBBLE TEA. It looks so fun!!) 

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold?

Always cold - I struggle with pretty chronic iron deficiency so I’m an icicle. 

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

I think I was eating Chinese food? 

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

Twix. Either side. 

6. Have you ever been to a professional sporting event?

I have been to far too many. The only ones I like are hockey (yay!) but I’ve been to Basketball and Baseball games. The last time I went to a basketball game, I read a novel on my phone. Husband was not amused. 

7. What was the last thing you said out loud?

"Why are you like this?” - To the infamous watermelon head puppers as he put his whole damn noggin on my shoulder. 

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

Mint chocolate chip. 

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Cream top tea from the Chinese restaurant

10. Do you like your wallet?

It’s the best wallet I’ve ever owned and I’ve had it for like four years. I refuse to get another one. 

11. What was the last thing you ate?

Cold sesame noodles and dumplings

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

I don’t think so but I’ve done a lot of online shopping, it’s all a blur. I just wait to see what shows up in the mail. 

13. The last sporting event you watched?

Does watching my husband play NBA 2K20 count? If no - then I think we went to a minor league hockey game in January or February? 

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

ALRIGHT. Bear with me. Pop your popcorn and then dump some hidden valley ranch dressing mix seasoning packets on it. BEST. THING. EVER. (I’ve been told you can buy ranch seasoning shakers for popcorn, but I’ve never tried them, I just use the seasoning packets) 

15. Who was the last person you sent a text message to?

My Husband: “I love you too babe.” cause we’re sweet like that. 

16. Ever go camping?

Yes, I’m not a fan. I’m like a houseplant - I like the idea of outside but if you put me out there I will die.  

17. Do you take vitamins?

So many. 

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

Nope and I never will again. 

19. Do you have a tan?

Not currently, but I do tan! God bless whoever the swarthy skin tone came from. 

20. Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza?

Chinese food. 

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

No? What kind of monster does this on the regular? Don’t use straws unless you have to - it’s bad for the turtles. 

22. What color socks do you usually wear?

I dislike socks - I usually wear tights because I’m wearing skirts and dresses. 

23. Ever drive above the speed limit?

The better question: Do you ever drive below the speed limit? 

24. What terrifies you?

Many things. The biggest thing, lately, is that I’m not doing enough to get this world back on track and that I should be doing more. The time for discussion, negotiation, and bargaining for basic human rights is over. I want to smash windows, tear down institutions, and torch mansions. 

25. Look to your left what do you see? 

Watermelon head, just where he always is. 

26. What chore do you hate?

I hate the sound of the vacuum cleaner. Absolutely hate it. 

27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

Immediately of Steve Irwin. I watched a shit ton of animal planet as a child. 

28. What is your favorite soda?

I can’t drink soda very often because it makes be a bit ill - but I love coke. 

29. Do you go into a fast food place or just hit the drive through? 

I also can’t have fast food often because it me very ill. So when I do stop - it’s usually to satisfy my ever present french fry craving and I feel silly going in and ordering one thing. 

30. Who was the last person you talked to?

The chinese food delivery guy or watermelon head if he counts. 

31. Favorite cut of beef?

The other thing that makes me sick! I rarely eat beef, even when I cook it for my husband. The only thing I usually can’t resist is a mean sloppy joe or taco - so that would be ground beef done extra lean which probably doesn’t count. 

32. Last song you listened to?

This is Me - Kesha from The Greatest Showman soundtrack 

33. Last book you read?

Also fanfiction. I have no spoons for new fiction at this time. I’m making my way through some nonfiction books slowly - “Michael and Natasha” by Rosemary and Donald Crawford is my current choice. 

34. Favorite day of the week?

Fridays? 

35. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

Possibly? 

36. How do you like your coffee?

Flavored creamer if possible - if not just cream. I never seem to get the sugar ratio right on my own. 

37. Favorite pair of shoes?

My utterly impractical, goes with one outfit, red high heeled mary jane’s. God I love those shoes. 

38. At what time do you usually go to bed?

Between 10 and 11p - I take medicine that knocks me out pretty quick at night. 

39. At what time do you normally get up?

Between 5 and 7a? I don’t know when I turned into my father - but I’m up with the fucking sun no matter what. 

40. What do you prefer - sunrises or sunsets?

Sunrises - especially over the ocean. 

41. How many blankets are on your bed?

On the bed? Two. Beside my side of the bed? Four more. Plus the dog has a blanket. Don’t judge me. 

42. Describe your kitchen plates?

Vintage find - white with yellow and orange daffodils. 

43. Do you have a favorite alcoholic beverage?

Wine to get started, but I almost always end up switching to whiskey if I’m out. 

44. Do you play cards?

I learned to play poker very young and I’m surprisingly good at it. 

45. What color is your car?

It’s called Seafoam, which is a pretty pearlescent green <-- same?! @lostinfantasies38 do you drive a Subaru too? 

46. Can you change a tire?

YES. My father, when he was losing his eyesight and I was sixteen, wanted me to know how to change my own oil and my own tires cause “he wouldn’t be able to see to do it.” Before that makes you too sad - he 100% still sat in the driveway and listened to me do these things while offering “advice.” Bonus: I was one of the only people of either gender I knew in college who could do these things. 

Do I actually do them any longer? fuck no. I don’t want to get dirty and I got myself a husband. 

47. What is your favorite province? 

I’ve only ever been to Toronto, so whatever province that’s in.

48. Favorite job you ever had?

I don’t know if I have a favorite? I’ve gotten to travel a lot in my current job, and I’ve done a lot of presentations and met a lot of people I wouldn’t have otherwise, plus it’s less hazardous to my mental health. So. Grantwriter/Researcher it is. 

49. How did you get your biggest scar?

In November 2019 (which seems like forever ago but I know it wasn’t) I was rear-ended by an 18 wheeler on the highway. It was a nasty crash and I still can’t quite drive on the highway. I was actually nearly completely unscathed despite rolling my car and it being totaled. I emerged with a concussion and two cuts - one on the back of my left hand which is small. I had another shallow cut which is mostly hidden under my hair, but I can feel the scar. It does creep out under my hair onto my forehead about a half-inch. 

50. What did you do today that made someone happy?

On my morning walk with watermelon head, we stopped outside our neighbors house to wave through the window so their kiddos could see puppers. Judging from their faces - they were pretty happy (but who wouldn’t be to be greeted with watermelon head?) 

[televinita]

Library Triage

Got too many good books as of late; having trouble deciding what to actually read in my free time, so...time to do this.

Part I: Physical Library Checkouts

1. The Rural Diaries - Hilarie Burton Morgan: Since I can’t renew this memoir, between the time I started this draft and when I posted, I actually began reading it. It’s really good so far so I am kind of savoring it and reading slowly.

2. Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire (reread): Waiting on the illustrated version to come in from the library (due back Jan. 21...we shall see)

3. Roam - Alan Lazar: This looks like one of the best dog books for adults I’ve ever seen, but I gotta make sure I’m by a computer or at least my phone so I can play the accompanying music at the appropriate times in the story. It’s hard to have to be in the mood for piano music AND a dog story at once, but I’ve been checking this out since like...November, so I’m probably going to do this one next.

4. A Slice of Heaven and/or Home in Carolina - Sherryl Woods: Kind of want to read one more character-orienting book in the Sweet Magnolias series before I settle in for the Ty/Annie story I really want and should have just gone for in the first place; now that I’ve started I already feel weirdly guilty/like I’m going to be missing a lot of background leadup by skipping books 3 and 4.

Also feeling rapidly like I won’t get to either; mass market romance is satisfying when you need tropes, but quickly loses its appeal and becomes bland if you try to have more than one helping without a long rejuvenation period.

5. What If It’s Us - Becky Albertalli & Adam Silvera: tbh this is my 2nd time checking it out and it’s probably time to admit that I’m not going to be in the mood for it any time soon, and save it for when I am. History Is All You Left Me took 4 years, but it was worth waiting for and I’m glad I did, and some books have taken even longer, so if that happens again so be it.

6. You’d Be Mine - Erin Hahn: This reread is also not gonna happen any time soon...but I know that the second I return it, I’m gonna be like WHERE IS MY MUSICIANS FALL IN LOVE ON TOUR BOOK, WHERE IS IT! and it’s gonna be 3-6 days before I get it back and as soon as I do, the mood will be gone again, so. Gonna keep it to the end of my renewal limit.

==========

Part II: Audiobooks

1. Murder at the Mansion - Sheila Connolly: Picked at random while utterly desperate for a decent audiobook to put me to bed, I am almost an hour into this 9.5 hour stint and there has not been anything close to a murder yet. IS THIS FALSE ADVERTISING?? It’s okay though, because so far I’ve been very drawn in by descriptions of hotel administration and the title mansion in its small town location.

2. Happy Birthday, Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle: See above, since I love the one book I’ve read. I didn’t realize this was a posthumous release (in 2007!) or I would have tried to look for one of the older books, but oh well. I only have a chapter left but since I’ve decided I’m not going to count it as a book on this year’s reading list due to its brevity, I’m in no rush.

3. And We Stay - Jenny Hubbard: yet another random pick. My curiosity is highly piqued, but I think I might try to get this as a physical copy because it’s hard to track by ear when I’m not totally sure what the premise is.

4. A Slice of Heaven - Sherryl Woods: Yep, I got this on audiobook too because nothing is better than being able to continue the book you’re reading as you fall asleep, but also be able to finish it as fast as you want the next day. That presumes I’m actually interested in the book, though, so...

=======

Part III: Oh Dear, My Eyes Are Already Roamin’ To New Territory

a.k.a. Books I Am Interested In Ordering Next

1. Lost To Me - Jamie Blair: I mean, obviously. [edit: WHAT DO U MEAN I CAN’T GET IT VIA ILL??  || edit 2: WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T EVEN BUY IT FOR UNDER TEN DOLLARS??]

2. When We Were Lost - Kevin Wignall: “When their plane crashes in a remote rainforest with no adults left alive, a group of high school students struggles to survive against sinister threats from the jungle -- and one another -- in this tense thriller.” Looks similar in scope and setting to If We Survive, which I read 4 years ago in February and still relish the memory of reading, so this feels liek ther ight time of year for it.

Cutting myself off there but also...still Thinking.

[metalbatandzenko]

All of them. All the questions.

oof

1. Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

I have sliding doors on my closet so it’s one open one closed.

2. Do You Have Freckles?

Nope!

3. Can You Whistle?

Nope (:

4. Last Song You Listened To.

I...don’t remember lmao, I think it was 6 Inch by Beyonce

5. What Is Your Favorite Color?

I don’t know if I have one tbh.

6. Relationship Status.

Currently juggling seven reply guys bc rona has everyone acting out of line, but single.

7. What Is The Temperature Right Now?

46º

8. Did You Wake Up Cranky?

Yes sdkjfhdlkf

9. How Many Followers?

215.

10. Zodiac Sign.

Aries/Aries/Cancer.

11. What Is Your Eye Color?

Brown.

12. Take A Vitamin Daily?

No.

13. Do You Sing In The Shower?

Yes, usually it’s Mitski or songs from musicals because you know. Former theater kid.

14. What Books Are You Reading?

The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch.

15. Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

“As in earlier days” from the poem The Walk by Thomas Hardy

16. Favorite Anime?

OPM is the only anime I watch. Being Japanese American and fem aligned means having. Not great associations with anime tbh.

17. Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

I honestly can’t remember the last time I cried in front of someone

WAIT YES I DO

It was November 23rd and my little cousin and I watched Over the Garden Wall. Both of us cried at the end.

18. Do You Collect Anything?

I have a knife collection and an old rock collection from when I was younger. I also unintentionally have a major makeup collection. My lipstick collection is borderline embarrassing. In my defense it started in 7th grade.

19. What Did You Have For Lunch?

I uh. I didn’t have lunch skfjhdsljfh

20. Do You Dance In The Car?

I do!

21. Favorite Animal?

Dude I fucking love crows.

22. Do You Watch The Olympics?

Some of them! My mom was really athletic growing up (as in one of those kids that plays a sport every season in high school), so she watches a lot of them. We tend to watch figure skating (which I know little about but have strong opinions on), gymnastics, synchronized swimming, track, and judo.

23. What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

Usually I’m in bed by 11 but I don’t go to sleep until 2am. Recently I’ve been getting to sleep at 7am.

24. Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

It is currently three in the morning so no akslkjsahd

25. Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

Ocean. I grew up in Northern California near the coast, and now I’m in a landlocked state. And you can kind of feel it, you know? The air doesn’t smell like salt and redwoods, the mountains aren’t there to hold up the sky so you just feel it pressing down on your chest. I miss the ocean.

26. Favorite Tumblr Blog?

I don’t know if I have a favorite. erikkillmongerdontpullout is funny and insightful, and I love dostoevskydocs’ poetry compilations.

27. Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

I grew up somewhere with access to really good tap water, so I’ll go with that.

28. What Makes You Happy?

Writing, spending time with friends, the feeling of dappled sunlight through the tree canopy.

29. Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

30. Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

With :)

31. Dogs Or Cats?

Dogs but I love cats too!

32. If You Were A Crayon What Color Would You Be?

Moss green!

33. PlayStation Or Xbox.

Xbox.

34. Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

Ocean. I don’t trust lakes.

35. Do You Believe In Magic?

I believe in the supernatural, I don’t know if magic’s the right word. It’s more like a belief that there’s something more to the world than what we’re able to perceive. 

36. What Color Shirt Are You Wearing?

Charcoal grey.

37. Can You Curl Your Tongue?

Yes! I can also make my tongue into a clover.

38. Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

A bit of both. I can be pretty frugal when I’m by myself but I inherited the need to pay for everything for my friends from my mom, so if my friends are around, I will try to muscle my way into paying for everything. This is usually unsuccessful bc my friends are in the same boat.

39. Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

Yes. I’ve got a pink water bottle on my bedstand.

40. Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

I mean. OPM lkjshdflkjdh I’ve been hyperfixating on it, but I also am pretty obsessed with OTGW (I have been for years).

41. Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

No but I’ve had a few land on me.

42. Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

Depends on the person. Overall, I’d say no, but my friends have significant sway over me.

43. Do You Have Strange Dreams?

Yes.

44. Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

I actually do. But only for short flights. Anything longer than 4 hours makes my body really hurt.

45. Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

Moana.

46. Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

Sunflower seeds!

47. If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

Orville Peck or Carseat Headrest.

48. Are You A Picky Eater?

Nope!

49. Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

Yeah.

50. Do You Fear Thunder/Lightning?

No, I actually love them. I sleep best when it’s thundering.

51. Do You Like To Read/Write?

Yes to both. I’m a Creative Writing major so dkljfhljkdf

52. Do You Like Your Music Loud?

Yeah! Though not as loud as some people, my ears are sensitive.

53. Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

Wrap presents. I’m not a big fan of the smell of pumpkin, and wrapping presents is a tradition for my mom, brother and I. We’d put on some music, drink some hot chocolate, and wrap as many as possible. Then my brother and I would smuggle some wrapping paper to our rooms and wrap our mom’s gift.

54. Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

Somebody that I Used to Know-Gotye (listen the song still slaps)

55. What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

Winter/Spring transition. It hailed for 15 minutes straight yesterday.

56. What Are You Craving Right Now?

A popeyes 5 piece spicy chicken meal with fries and ranch. Can you tell I’ve thought about this?

57. Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

I don’t wanna.

58. What Is Your Gender?

Nonbinary, but vaguely girl adjacent. 

59. Coffee Or Tea?

I think coffee. I drink more tea, but I also drink exclusively green tea and chai (like the traditional chai made with milk not the chai teabags) and I really am not a black/white/earl grey tea person.

60. Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

OOF Yeah I do

I’ve got a thousand word readers response to “The Other Boat” by E. M. Foster, a one thousand word journal about WWI, a reflective journal check in and a powerpoint I have to make for Sense and Sensibility for Brit Lit and I also am tutoring a few of my classmates

In my biological anthropology class I’ve got a Unit Exam and a few lectures to watch

For my internship/Teachers Assistant position I’ve got 17 10 page rough drafts to read and give in depth comments on as well as a portfolio I have to assemble for next year’s TA bc I’m transferring, phone meetings with the 17 students who wrote those rough drafts, and I’ve gotta compile some resources for my professor

I need to finish my memoir for my independent study and I have to present. my nonfiction memoir. to my classmates. on Zoom. I’m one of two people doing a nonfiction memoir for their independent study the rest are doing fiction, poetry or a literary analysis paper so like. My classmates are gonna be talking about their fiction piece and then I’m gonna be giving a 15 minute reading and Q&A about a piece that focuses on my trauma and being hate crimed so that’s fun.

I also gotta get some stuff done for my school’s lit magazine.

61. What Is Your Sexuality?

A known bisexual™

62. Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

I try to but I forget.

63. Favorite Pokémon?

Togepi, Blissey and Togekiss.

64. Favorite Social Media?

I hate to say it but it’s tumblr.

65. What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

If it’s longer than six stories, I’m not watching it. Unless I know they’re gonna be fun or we’re really close then I will.

66. Do You Get Homesick?

A bit. I’m still really homesick for my hometown tbh because that’s where all my family except for my parents are. I’m really close with my extended family, so being isolated from them feels like there’s an emptiness at my side.

67. Are You A Virgin?

No.

68. What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

Redken Frizz Dismiss. I got those big fucking bottles you can get at Ulta where it’s like a gallon of shampoo so I haven’t had to buy any in over a year.

69. If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

I’ve slept in my car before and I will do so again most likely. Also $60 is too much to spend for a motel room.

70. Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

Yes. Though I’m much closer to my mom than my dad.

71. Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

Idk shit about movies tbh.

72. Do You Miss Your Ex?

One of them yes, the others no. But the one I miss I also acknowledge is someone who had their place in my life at the time and helped me through some rough shit, but no longer has a place in my life. I appreciate the hell out of him though, and we’re on good terms.

73. What Is Your Favorite Quote Right Now?

I’ve got two!

“I don’t know how to stay tender with this much blood in my mouth” –Ophelia, Hamlet

and

"Suffering feels religious if you do it right." –Chelsea Hodson

74.  What Eye Color Do You Find Sexiest?

Brown. Especially the almost black-brown eyes.

75. Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

Yes to both.

76. What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

Chocolate covered pretzels ljhflfsd

77. What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

Toon Blast and 2048.

78. Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

Holy shit I hate this question. Yes, of course I would. I don’t know why mentioning that the person is homeless is relevant. Homeless people are not somehow less worthy of CPR?? What the fuck.

79. Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

...yes

80. Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

I’ve briefly skimmed over someone’s page after meeting them but I don’t lurk.

81. Do You Like Meeting New People?

Depends on my mood.

82. Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

I hate my hands so this was pushing it.

83. Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

Closed.

84. What Are Three Things You Did Today?

Corrected papers, walked my dog, did some writing.

85. What Do You Wear To Bed?

T-shirt and shorts.

86. List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

Dude I can’t do that I have too many, I’ve been buying makeup for 7 years and I used to work next to a sephora

My makeup routine pre-rona was:

Sephora brand moisturizer

Milk Hydrogrip primer

Fenty Pro Filtr Hydrating Foundation

Maybelline Age Rewind Concealer

Anastasia Brow Definer

Glossier Cloud Paint

Fenty Sunstalkr Bronzer

Fenty Liquid Flyliner

Fenty Flypencil

Fenty Full Frontal Mascara

Fenty Glossbomb

It’s...an expensive routine.

87. Are You A Day Or Night Person?

Night to early morning.

88. List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

I answered this one and I don’t want to reanswer it tbh ldkjfhds

89. Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

I genuinely can’t remember any of my dreams right now. I remember a snippet of one where I was in a cave and I looked at the wall and I could see water running down it, reflecting in the torchlight but that’s literally it.

90. Favorite Soda Drink?

I’m a big pomegranate person, so Italian soda’s my go to.

91. What Sounds Are Your Favorite?

The sizzle of meat hitting a hot wok, rain, hail, thunder, the crunch of dry leaves. I also love the sound of Simone de Rochefort’s laugh. It’s so good.

92. Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

Jeans.

93. How Do You Look Right Now?

Shitty.

94. Name Something That Relaxes You.

Skyrim ldskjfhd

95. What Tattoo Do You Want?

I really want to get my family’s mon on my ribcage and my mom’s Japanese name somewhere. I don’t know how my pain tolerance is but if I can handle it, I’d want to get at least a partial sleeve.

96. Favorite YouTuber?

Polygon and Watcher.

[daily-capaldi]

The Big Read – Lewis Capaldi: “I make jokes because I’m comfortable with who I am”

The breakout star of 2019, Lewis Capaldi has the midas touch and the world at his feet – but he still likes talking about his pubes and dreams of meeting a girl who'll break his heart for real. NME Deputy Editor Dan Stubbs meets the cocksure 23-year-old in Dublin for a Buckfast sesh and quickly discovers a legitimately hilarious talent who's far from the “big fucking annoying cunt” he thinks he is.

Lewis Capaldi is miming a range of sporting activities. He bounces an invisible basketball around the stage. He boots an imaginary football into the crowd. And after some minutes of this, he poses with an imaginary dart in his hand. Every time he mimes pulling back to throw it, he changes his mind and walks over to take a sip of Guinness instead – to the delight of the crowd. When he finally throws the thing, they roar with approval, before goading him into downing the rest of his pint. And of course: he does. 

It’s November 21 at the Olympia Theatre, Dublin. So far Capaldi has spent 10 minutes playing three songs and 15 minutes doing what, in the most affectionate terms, can only be described as dicking about. It shouldn’t be this funny to watch, but it really is. And the price of witnessing this spectacle? Depends when you got your tickets. A tout offered to take NME’s off our hands for €500 outside the venue. 

A year ago this may have sounded like madness, a sign that the world was heading to hell in a handcart and we’d be closing out the decade in a post-apocalyptic new reality, eating boot leather and watching jesters for entertainment. But in 2019, Lewis Capaldi has proved, conclusively, that what the world was waiting for was a pasty-faced, pasty-loving, 23-year-old Scot with an act that’s 50 percent heartbroken balladry and 50 percent improv comedy. And it is a worldwide thing – Capaldi is a global hit, a bona fide phenomenon. A superstar whose first encounter with NME is backstage, hurtling along the corridor clutching a handful of items. “Got my passport, my acid reflux tablets and my water – and that’s all I need!” he says, whizzing past. “And now, I’m off for a small pish.”

When listing Capaldi’s many 2019 achievements, they start to lose meaning, like contemplating distances in space, or making sense of the costings in the Labour manifesto. But here are a few: The Brits’ Critics Choice award. A Number One album with ‘Divinely Uninspired To A Hellish Extent’. A Number One single with ‘Someone You Loved’ in much of Europe, the US and the UK, where it spent seven weeks at the top. The hardest touring artist of the year, playing over 250 shows. A scene-stealing Glastonbury appearance.

If you’re to believe the stories in the Scottish tabloid press, Capaldi’s music can practically cure leprosy. He’s even had a beef with Noel Gallagher, once a mark of honour, but now a tussle with adversary so easily shot down it’s a bit like watching the moment someone first beats their dad in an arm wrestle. 

Yesterday brought news that Capaldi been nominated for Best Song at The Grammys, which in early career terms is the equivalent of being up for the Best Actor Oscar for your school production of Macbeth. “I’m up against Billie Eilish, Lady Gaga, Lizzo, H.E.R., Lana Del Rey, Taylor Swift…” he says. So he’s in there representing the men? “Yes, at long last!” he jokes. “At long last, straight white men finally have representation.”

“If I’m being honest, I did think ‘Old Town Road’ would be nominated,” he says, being serious now. “Maybe if I win I’ll Kanye myself. ‘This should have gone to ‘Old Town Road’! (But I am going to keep it)…’”

Capaldi is an expert at shrugging off his achievements. His unfaltering humility is a huge part of his appeal but even he concedes it’s starting to seem a bit forced. “When I read my interviews back, I always think if I wasn’t me I’d think: ‘you’re full of shite’,” he says. “Like, stop saying you can’t believe it. You can believe it! But it is so surreal and it seems like almost quarterly it kicks up a notch. Like, yesterday with the Grammys, yet again all this shit’s getting more and more mental, more beyond belief.”

Capaldi watched the Grammy nominations on his laptop, which was resting on his chest with the screen close to his face – a set-up he describes as his “home cinema” – and he admits he did get properly excited at the news. Mostly, though, he tends to find himself reacting to things how he thinks he should. 

“I’ve got a very bad way of being like, So you’re supposed to feel this way in this moment,” he says. Like when someone passes away? “Exactly, yeah. Like, four months after my grandma passed away, I’m like, ‘Fuck, my grandma’s died,’ and I’m in Somerfield or something. I mean, not in Somerfield, because it’s not been open for fucking years.”

Capaldi even plays down the success of ‘Someone You Loved’, the song that scored him the Grammy nod. In his eyes, it’s just “one of my songs that’s doing a little bit better than the rest”, but it’s already become a popular standard to sit alongside Robbie Williams’s ‘Angels’ or Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’, one of those tracks that will be soundtracking marriages and burials for years to come. Which of those would he prefer it be used for? “Burials,” he says, with no hesitation. “Don’t start falling in love to my fucking music, right? See if I see people kissing at my shows, fucking stop that! These are sad songs, you bastards.”

Like Lewis himself, a large part of the charm of ‘Someone You Loved’ is its absolute universality, which is not to say it’s banal, more that everyone who has lost someone at some point in their lives – which is most of us – can identify with it. For Lewis, it was the aforementioned loss of his grandmother that proved the catalyst for the song, but he made it more open to romantic interpretation because it felt “too morbid” to write explicitly about. 

And it didn’t come easily. Where other songwriters boast about dashing off huge hits in barely the time it takes to play them, Capaldi admits to labouring over his compositions. Writing songs, he says, is “a massive pain in the fucking arse sometimes”.

“Growing up I read interviews with people like Paul Weller, Paul McCartney – all the Pauls – and they’d say the best songs just sort of fall in your lap,” he says. “After six months at the piano writing ‘Someone You Loved’ I’m like, ‘You fucking lying bastards, that’s taken me fucking ages.’”

Many of Capaldi’s songs, which he endearingly describes as ranging from “big piano ballads to bigger piano ballads” draw on his first major relationship which – you may have guessed – is no longer a going concern. But it wasn’t a dramatic event. “Adele wrote her album about a relationship breaking up in a bad way, being jilted I think,” he says. “I wrote mine about a relationship that just ended, just fizzled out. I’d love to be jilted by someone, then I could be as successful as Adele.”

I ask if he worries that – at 23 – he doesn’t have a great deal of life experience to draw on. “I spent my entire life writing this first album,” he says, “but the stuff I’ve experienced in the last year has been much more of a growing experience than living in my mum and dad’s house in fucking West Lothian.”

How about the fact that his next girlfriend, whoever she may be, will be on different terms, it being impossible for her not to know she’s dating Lewis Capaldi the world famous pop star? “Well, I don’t know. It’s not like I’m Justin Bieber,” he says. “Today was the first time I’ve ever got out of the car at a venue and someone screamed. Normally people just shout something at me that I’ve said on Instagram about my pubes. I guess, at worst, my next partner would think I’m one way because they’ll hear the songs and think I seem very nice and level headed, but then find out I’m not.”

What’s the reality?

“Big fucking annoying cunt.”

It’s slightly unfair to question the depth of Capaldi’s life experience, because at the age most of us were familiarising ourselves with yo-yos, pogs or fidget spinners (delete as appropriate), Lewis was embarking on his music career. He began performing at 11, largely in pubs and clubs in the conurbation between Glasgow and Edinburgh where he grew up. The experience of having to hold his own in intimidating spaces at such a young age probably explains much about his easiness around people. 

“I found that at 11 it was, ‘Oh he’s quite cute, he came and stood up here and he’s doing very well.’ When I got to 14, 15 and my voice changed and I lost any remnants of cuteness – which as you can tell have not returned to me – that’s when I started to pick up a bit of the patter. You get to know your way about how to speak to people.” 

Around that time, Capaldi actively worked on changing his vocal style to something more like the wolfy howl we hear today. What was once a ”high and smooth” voice had broken. Inspired by Paolo Nutini and Joe Cocker, Capaldi added some gravel. “I thought it would be a good idea to put a bit of rasp in, to make it sound even more terrible,” he says.

For years we’ve been force-fed sensitive young men-next-door with beanie hats, beards or lumberjack shirts singing to us about their problems. In a quest for authenticity, they’ve presented themselves as troubled, serious souls. Capaldi, meanwhile, has given us the sensitive songs with a side order of toilet humour and the kind of prolific, creative swearing worthy of The Thick Of It‘s Malcolm Tucker, as played by his distant cousin Peter Capaldi. 

Stand-up comedians often make a point of referring to the most funny-looking thing about themselves as an icebreaker with the audience, a way of getting them on side. Capaldi has the same trick – there’s not a single thing about his looks or his music you could say that he hasn’t beaten you to. Try and come up something better than saying he looks like “a melting hippo”, we dare you. 

He has zero pretence – he’s a guy who can literally piss himself on stage and laugh it off. “That only happened once,” he says. “And I’ve always been like that, even back in school. If I was meeting someone for the first time I’d be like, ‘Hello, how are you? I’ve got diarrhoea and I could spew or I could blow at any moment. It puts me at ease, being honest.’”

“People think I make jokes because I’m uncomfortable,” he adds. “Actually, it’s the opposite – I make jokes because I’m comfortable with who I am. I say that I’m a chubby bastard because I am a chubby bastard.”

I put it to him that, possibly, he may be the first body-positive male icon – an important thing given Capaldi is part of a generation of young men who feel under enormous pressure to have an Insta-chiselled body. “I don’t know if I can accept that, because I probably don’t use the correct vernacular,” he says. “It’s probably not good to call yourself a chubby cunt, but it’s never been something that’s bothered me. I’ve been a very slim man, I’ve been a man who’s gone to the gym, but even when I’ve done that someone calls you fat anyway, whether it’s your ma, your da, your best pal.”

Capaldi hasn’t, as of yet, had any sort of pop star makeover. He still looks like a kid who’s moved out of home for the first time and is stacking up the washing to take to mum’s. He does, however, have a personal trainer on tour and has been exercising every day. “It’s more of a mental health thing,” he says. “It gives me energy and keeps me happy. I mean, when I’m actually doing it I fucking hate it so much, but it feels better after.”

I ask how his mental health is bearing up to his new everyday reality, an extraordinary experience for anyone to process. “That’s what I think about taking the piss out of things,” he says. “I take the piss out of doing things on stage and how mental it is because you have to, because it stops you getting caught up in it. Summer last year I started having massive panic attacks. I was supposed to do Austin City Limits but I had to cancel because I was just having panic attack after panic attack, and I thought I had something seriously wrong with me, because I’m a bit of a hypochondriac. And I went and got a fucking MRI scan. But they said I was just anxious, just recalibrating to this new fucking lifestyle. So I said, right, cancel everything for three weeks, and no one gave me any shit for it.”

At showtime, the atmosphere at tonight’s gig offers a glimpse of the bubble Capaldi is living in these days. The Olympia is a grand old theatre and Capaldi could probably have sold it out 50 times over; the reaction from the crowd is something like Lewmania. 

Afterwards, we head backstage again, where I’m ushered into a room containing about a dozen members of Capaldi’s family. I’m plonked on a chair right in the middle, handed a massive wine glass full of Buckfast by his cousin and grilled by his dad, a fishmonger and the very driest of wits, about my intentions for this article. He’s seriously proud of his boy, having supported him since the very beginning, even playing the supportive parent role when Lewis auditioned for Britain’s Got Talent aged 12. 

The afterparty moves to a private room at a nearby pub. Lewis’s hulking great cousin – the one who brought the Buckfast – is getting the shots in. His auntie is looking on, concerned, as two girls chat him up at the same time. “He’s only a wee one,” she mutters. While his friends and family enjoy the party and a certain NME journalist accidentally smashes the first of a series of glasses, feeling the effects of downing that Buckfast in an ill-advised attempt to curry favour with the family, Lewis makes his final rounds then politely excuses himself, looking a bit hangdog about it. He has another big show tomorrow. Sad to leave your own party, you imagine.

At points in the interview, Capaldi had been making a short, forced coughing noise, which he shrugged off as nothing. But the next week, he cancels a number of shows on health grounds, having been warned by his doctor that he risks losing his voice altogether if he doesn’t take action. In the end, he plays just four more gigs of the UK leg of the tour – in London, Edinburgh and twice in Glasgow for the homecoming finale. All further activities are cancelled by management, including a follow-up NME interview, but he is sent to complete the year’s touring commitments in the States before heading home for a well-earned few days celebrating Christmas with his family, which he says typically involves plenty of booze and lots of piss-taking. If you think you’re feeling ready for the break today, spare a thought for Lewis.

Next year looks to be just as busy as this one. He is, right now, just about the most in-demand young man in the world. At some point, he’ll have to start thinking about his next album too. “I don’t know what the fuck it’s going to sound like, I don’t know what the fuck it’s going to be,” he says. “Ballads, havin’-it tunes, I don’t know. I’ve got voice notes, melodies, stuff like that, but that’s just me and an acoustic guitar.” 

Considering what he said about his hypochondria, it’s likely the idea of losing his voice is weighing heavily on Capaldi’s mind. But he’s already decided there’s a backlash coming anyway. “You do get warned, as you’re coming up: ‘By the way, everyone’s gonna turn on you pretty soon’,” he says. “I guess I’m always just kind of waiting for it. I’m very doomsday. Like, if it’s not happened yet, it’s gonna come. And I can’t wait for the downfall!”

He might be surprised. People have plenty of different reactions to Capaldi’s music, but it’s pretty much impossible to find someone who doesn’t think he seems like a bloody great bloke.

And besides – if he ever finds he can’t sing, he’d make a killing at The Fringe as a physical comic. 

The extended edition of ‘Divinely Uninspired To A Hellish Extent’ is out now

[yeppeojiwrites]

beauty and a beat 1: she’s even prettier up close//multigroup crossover

summary: when people think that you can’t understand them, they tend to say bolder things. 

word count: 2,736

pairings in this chapter: hongjoong x reader and yunho x reader 

yoyoyo what’s up!

i’ve been noticing a lack of diversity in kpop group x reader fics, a lot of stuff is for people (mostly girls or female presenting people) who are caucasian or have fair skin and have straight hair and stuff but i want to change that. this story is going to have a female black protagonist, and if that’s okay with you, feel free to keep reading! if not, feel free to move along, you aren’t hurting my feelings. 

if you see this fic as “excluding a group” please be sure to think about how us non-white/non-fair skinned people feel about having little to no representation in the fanfiction community, especially considering we make up a large part of the people who read fanfiction. 

alright, rant over

to all of my black kpop stans, this one’s for you!!

normal text is spoken english

bold text is spoken in korean

bold italicized text is korean with honorifics (noona, hyung, oppa, unnie, etc.)

--

As you walked down the hallway with Ateez’s manager, Jiyoung, to one of KQ’s training rooms, your heart threatened to beat out of your chest.

You were nervous and scared out of your mind even though you had no reason to be. KQ Produce obviously thought very highly of you since they hired you to help out with Ateez’s album production after listening to a lot of your demos for songs later used by groups like G(I)-DLE, Stray Kids, and Loona and artists such as Chungha, Sunmi, and Crush. 

As the youngest non-idol producer and composer under KQ at the newly-turned international age of 18, you had a lot to prove. Sure you’ve had a lot of big-name artists use your songs  and work with you on tracks but you had to prove that you could work with others in the real industry. 

It’s only your third day in South Korea and you’re already meeting the people who had the potential to make or break your career.

--

As you neared closer and closer to the room where the boys were, you could hear people running around and yelling. When Jiyoung finally opened the door, your eyes widened at the scene in front of you. 

A pair of boys tangoed in the middle of the room while another three ran throughout the room screaming, another pair was trying to outsing each other, one of them splitting an apple in half while a single boy was trying to get everyone to calm down. 

Their manager cleared her throat and all of the commotion ceased, eight pairs of eyes looking back and forth between you and Jiyoung. 

“This is LVNDR,” Jiyoung said, gesturing to you. “But she said that you all can call her...um...” she leaned over in your ear, “I already forgot what your real name is. What is it?” she asked in English. 

“(Y/N),” you whispered in her ear. 

“She said that you guys can call her (Y/N).” She informed the group, smoothing shirt down before crossing her arms. 

“Does she only speak English?” a shorter boy with silver hair, Wooyoung, asked the manager. You looked at the manager and the corners of your lips lifted a bit.

When you first met with Jiyoung you told her to only speak to you in English in front of others despite your fluency in Korean. In the short amount of time that you’ve spent in South Korea, you realized that people have a lot more to say about you when they think you aren’t listening or can’t understand them. You wanted to be able to hear everything that people around the company were saying about you - the good, the bad, and the ugly. 

“No, not really. She had translators help her when she helped produce songs for non-English speaking idols,” Jiyoung said, lying through her teeth. You heard a few noises of understanding in response to her statement.

You looked down at your shoes for a second and looked back up, meeting the eyes of a short, honey blond haired man, who may or may not be Hongjoong. He gave you a quick smile before turning back to your manager as she continued to talk to the boys. 

“Hongjoong, she’ll be working with you on Ateez’s next album,” Jiyoung said in English. 

“Okay,” the blond haired man you smiled at earlier, Hongjoong, said. He walked over to stand in front of you and both of you were a little shocked when you both found that you were a bit taller than him. 

“I forgot foreigners are so tall,” a taller boy with dark hair, Yunho, said. 

“I thought she looked tall standing next to our manager,” a shorter boy with red streaked hair, San, responded. 

“Wow...guys, she’s even prettier up close,” Hongjoong said after he looked at you for a few seconds, causing a few of the boys behind him to laugh in response. You resisted the urge to smile at his statement.

“Hey,” Jiyoung warned and Hongjoong bowed to her in the form of an apology. 

“Sorry, Jiyoung,” he said. She nodded at him. 

Hongjoong reached out to shake your hand while you attempted bowed. “Oh,” you both said nervously. You reached out your hand to shake his. “Let’s make your next album great,” you smiled shyly. He nodded in response.

“Let’s do it!” he cheered, a smile spreading across his face. He walked back to his spot next to his members. 

“I’ll leave to let you guys get to know each other since you will be seeing a lot more of each other in the coming months,” Jiyoung said as she walked to the door and opened it. “Be good to her or I’ll make her give you guys high notes or inhumanely fast rapping verses,” she said to the guys before she left the room. You watched as a few of the boys shuddered in response to her words. 

“I saw their reactions. What did she say?” you asked Hongjoong innocently. 

“Nothing you need to worry about,” he lied. He waved the guys over and had them sit down in front of you, pulling up two chairs for the both of you to sit in. 

“Please sit here- I mean, you can sit down here,” Hongjoong said as he gestured to the chair behind you. You smiled a bit at his mistake. 

“So...tell us about yourself. Don’t worry about speaking Korean, I’ll translate what you say for the guys.” he said to you. “I’ll translate for you guys, don’t worry.” he assured the seven boys who watched the two of you expectantly. They nodded in understanding. 

You ran your palms over your jean-clad thighs and took a deep breath before speaking. “Sorry, I’m a little nervous,” you laughed dryly. Hongjoong translated what you said and you saw a few of the guys smile a bit and you heard an accented “Don’t be nervous!” come from one of the boys, which slightly calmed your nerves. 

“I’m (Y/N) (Y/L/N) but feel free to just call me (Y/N) or LVNDR, whichever is easier for you guys,” you said. Hongjoong translated what you said easily and accurately.

“I used to live an hour outside of Chicago, one of the United States’ largest cities, so I’m quite comfortable with large cities.” you said before Hongjoong began translating. “I graduated high school a semester early so I could come to South Korea and help you guys and hopefully other artists out with music production.”

This started a steady cycle where you would say something in English and Hongjoong would translate it into Korean, until you ran out of profession-related things to talk about. 

“Do you guys have any questions for me?” you asked, looking back and forth from the boys on the floor to the one sitting next do you. 

“Hongjoong, tell her I like her hair.” Wooyoung said. Your orchid colored hair reminded him of the hair color he had when they debuted. 

“Wooyoung said that he likes your hair.” Hongjoong said. One of your coffee toned hands reached up to touch one of your orchid-colored curls as you smiled. 

“Thank you,” you said. 

“Hongjoong, ask her how tall she is!” the taller boy from earlier said.

“Yunho wants to know how tall you are,” Hongjoong told you. 

“I know my height in the American measuring system but I think I’m around 174 centimeters,” you said. Hongjoong halfheartedly translated what you said for the boys which caused the room to erupt in teases aimed towards Hongjoong. 

“Even girls are taller than Hongjoong,” San laughed. Hongjoong turned to look at the boy, a wild look in his eye. 

“Choi San, say anything else and you’re dead,” Hongjoong said, effectively silencing the boy who you now know as San. 

You leaned towards Hongjoong in his chair. “What did they say?” you asked innocently. He waved his hand to dismiss the question.

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. 

“How old is she?” Wooyoung asked. “I know she said that she graduated early but I forgot the age that most Americans are when they graduate high school.” . 

“Wooyoung wants to know how old you are,” Hongjoong said.

“I just turned 18 internationally last November,” you said. “Before you translate for them, how old are most of you guys?” you asked. 

Hongjoong hummed and tapped his chin as he thought. “Five of us are turning 20 internationally this year and the rest of us are turning either 21 or 19.” he said. 

Your eyes widened a bit. You had skimmed over the part of the video that mentioned their ages and date of birth and had a feeling that a few of them were older than you but you didn’t think that all of them would be older than you. 

“So that would make you and everyone else here...an oppa? Like my oppas?” you asked hesitantly. Hongjoong choked on his spit and had a coughing fit and you smacked his back to help him stop choking.

“Wait what did she say? I swear I heard her say oppa!” Wooyoung exclaimed.

“Me too,” Yunho agreed. 

After you were sure that Hongjoong had coughed up part of his lung, he stopped to catch his breath. 

“What did she say?” Wooyoung asked. 

“She just turned 18 last November,” Hongjoong said between breaths.

“What else did she say?” Jongho asked. 

“She asked if we were her oppas,” Hongjoong said, a light pink spreading across his fair skin. Someone from the group snorted before the entire room filled with laughs. 

“He’s flustered! (Y/N) managed to fluster our leader on her first day!” San teased. 

Hongjoong frowned a bit, trying to hide his reddening cheeks, “San, shut up,” he said, a warning in his tone. 

“Why? It’s not like she can understand us anyways?” San said. 

“He’s not upset because you said it in front of her. He’s upset because it’s true,” Yeosang corrected San. 

“Can all of you please shut up,” Hongjoong pleaded.

“I guess I shouldn’t have asked,” you said to Hongjoong. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, putting his face in his hands promptly after responding to you.  

“Hongjoong, I don’t know why you’re upset. I’m glad she’s trying to assimilate to our culture. I think it’s cute.” Yunho said. “You can call me oppa if you want to,” Yunho said in English. 

You smiled as Hongjoong’s head snapped up. “Let’s not get too crazy, guys. We’ve all just met her.” Hongjoong said. 

“You’re the one that got flustered because of a word,” Yeosang mumbled under his breath. 

“When we get to the dorm, all of you are dead,” Hongjoong said. The members stiffened immediately.

“Should we talk about something else?” you asked. Hongjoong nodded.

“Please.” said before turning to his members. “Do you have any other questions? Questions that aren’t related to her love life?” Hongjoong asked his members.

“Does she still listen to any of the music that she produced?” Seonghwa asked. 

“Seonghwa wants to know if you still listen to any of the music that you have produced?” Hongjoong asked. 

“Of course! I listen to Loona’s ‘Favorite’, Chungha’s ‘Gotta Go’, and Loona member, Kim Lip’s “Eclipse” all the time. “Eclipse” was one of the first demos that was used by a K-Pop group and I had just turned 16 when Blockberry Creative asked if they could use it. My favorite production was ‘Dalla’ by (G)I-DLE and the song I’m the most proud of is ‘Endorphin’ by Crush.” you smiled. After Hongjoong finished translating, the boys looked over to you in amazement. After the initial shock, Jongho asked a question. 

“Jongho wants to know who your musical influences are and which genre you like to produce the most?” Hongjoong said. 

“I really liked F(x) and Shinee’s sound and how every song was different from everything else that was being released and how experimental everything sounded. A lot of their songs were released ahead of their time and started a lot of trends and that’s the kind of music I want to make. Trendsetting music.” you said. “In terms of genres though, I like making electronic music and music with really intricate melodies or stuff that you would hear in an American club in the 1990s.” Hongjoong managed to translate everything you said. 

“Any other questions?” you asked. 

“Have you ever seen any of our music videos?” Yunho asked in English. 

“I’ve watched all of your videos with the exception of the reality shows,” you said. Hongjoong translated what you said, Yunho immediately following up with, “Ask her what her favorite video and non-title track song is!” 

“Yunho wants to know what your favorite video and non-title track song is,” Hongjoong said. 

“I really like ‘Hala Hala’ and ‘Desire’. The vocals and rap are amazing in both songs.” you said. As soon as Hongjoong translated, you were met with a chorus of ‘thank you’s. 

“Hongjoong, can you ask her who her bias is?” Wooyoung asked. Hongjoong froze for a second before sighing. 

“Wooyoung wants to know who your bias is,” Hongjoong said. You could sense everyone lean in your direction to hear what you had to say. Even Hongjoong leaned in a bit.  

“For the sake of professionalism, I don’t have a bias.” you said. Everyone in the room groaned. They didn’t need to know English to know what you just said. To be fair though, you didn’t have a bias. You think that they’re all handsome and talented but you figured that it would be more professional to not have a favorite to avoid showing favoritism. 

“There has to be someone she likes,” Yunho mumbled in a frustrated tone. He had hoped that you would say his name. 

“Not even someone you think is handsome?” Hongjoong asked. He too had hoped that you would say his name. 

“I think you’re all very good looking,” you said. 

“That’s an acceptable answer for now,” Hongjoong said. 

You pulled out your phone to take a look at the time, 12:45 in the afternoon. 

“Guys, it’s been fun but I have to go soon. I have to meet up with someone in a half hour.” you said. Hongjoong sighed and nodded before translating for his members. 

“We’ll see you tomorrow though, right?” Hongjoong asked, his sparkly eyes meeting yours with an expectant look on his face. 

“Of course you will,” you smiled. You turned to face the rest of the boys who were starting to stand up. “It was nice meeting all of you guys. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” you said before bowing and leaving the room.

“Album production is going to be really interesting,” Hongjoong said the second after you left. Seonghwa laughed before swinging an arm around his younger’s shoulder.

“Seems like it.” Seonghwa said. 

--

You sighed as you exited your taxi, glancing up at the building you had only ever seen in pictures. You entered the building, immediately greeted with banners of the company’s artists. Stopping in front of one and smiling at a face on one of the banners. After looking around the lobby you walked over to the receptionists desk. “Hello,” you said, your native-sounding pronunciation surprising the receptionist. “I”m here to meet with someone.” 

“Who are you here to meet?” the receptionist asked before glancing over your shoulder at something, or someone rather. 

“(Y/N)?” you heard a familiar voice behind you. You turned around and smiled immediately when you saw who is was. 

“Fancy meeting you here, Changbin.” you said opening your arms for a long overdue hug. 

“You can’t be too surprised to see me considering you’re at my company building and you’re the one that wanted to meet.” Changbin said as he pulled you towards him, hugging you tightly.

“We probably shouldn’t do this here, a fan might see you and think that we’re dating or something,” you said. He hummed, thinking. 

“You’re right,” he agreed as he unwrapped his arms from around you. “Let’s go to one of the practice rooms.” He signaled for you to follow him to wait in front of the elevators.

“So how has my favorite rapper been?” you asked him as you waited for an elevator. 

“Very tired but also very excited to finally physically meet the person who has helped us produce our past two albums,” he smiled. You smiled at his statement as a door to one of the elevators slid open. You both step into it and watched as the door closes.

--

(previous / next)

[yellowfang89]

It’s wild how much has happened and changed since 2010, and now going into 2020. I was going to put in a "read more" out of courtesy but for some fuck ass reason, when I came in to edit it, Tumblr isn't giving me that option and the code ain't working and now I'm slightly buzzed so what the fuck ever you can just keep scrolling if you don't care lol.

January 2010- Obsessed with Legend of the Seeker. Wrapped up finishing playing Pokemon Diamond- my first pokemon game on recommendation of my best friend at the time. My last semester of community college started.

March/April 2010- got acceptance letter to the local state college I planned on transferring to. Best friend didn’t get any notice on whether she got accepted or not, but got an acceptance letter from another college about an hour away, and decided to go there instead. After making this decision, she finally got the acceptance letter from the local state college. But she still ended up going to the hour away one. Also, I turned 21 and had my first margarita.

May 2010- Graduated community college with an AA in art. God, I remember when I used to love art.

At some point I ended up officially leaving Myspace for Facebook, kicking and screaming, because everyone had ditched Myspace for it. I hated Facebook but got used to it.

August 2010- went on a two week cruise to Alaska. Came back and started new college afterwards. Had no friends and was lonely, though kept in close touch with best friend over Facebook. Got new Macbook.

September 2010- Finally found myself in a new friend group. Saw a beautiful boy on lightrail I wanted to talk to, but had no courage to. Realized that this kind of shit was probably why I didn’t have a boyfriend, and I wanted a boyfriend for the sole reason of not feeling like a loser for never having one.

October 2010- Saw same beauty, gathered up the nerve and talked to him. Turned out he also went to my school. We started seeing each other regularly on there and things started taking off. 

November 2010- Started hanging out with him regularly, got my first kiss from him. Became an official couple.

2011- Can’t remember what months and for what, because things start blending in together. But

- Beloved cat of five years died.

- Lost my virginity

- Didn’t have much money in bank account and stressed out over it. Couldn’t get a job to rectify the situation cuz no experience.

- Started feeling guilty over the smallest things like asking to borrow a piece of paper from someone. Mentally acknowledging this was weird but also shrugging it off. 

- Lost my appetite and had food problems overall- despite always having “food problems.” Never wanted to eat.

- Distinctly remember my stomach rumbling in class and thinking, “good maybe i’ll starve to death!”

2012- Shit blended in together again this year, and for every year here on out.

- Came to the realization one day when walking to the bus that I literally would not care if someone came at me with a gun because I just… didn’t want to exist anymore. Saw nothing wrong with this.

- The thought “things would be better if I was dead” came to my brain out of nowhere. I briefly wondered if this counted as a “suicidal thought.”

-Decided to Google shit like suicidal thoughts, went down a rabbit hole that made me suspect I had depression. It explained things that I thought were off but didn’t care enough to do anything about.

- Eventually saw a counselor at school about this.

- Got a hamster. Hamster died this same year.

- Got a volunteer position at a library scanning old yearbooks onto a computer so I could have some sort of “work experience” to get a job.

- Boyfriend had got me Pokemon Heartgold earlier. I started trying to “collect them all” because why not.

- I switched from using an ethernet chord to WiFi and it changed my life. Especially since I was able to go on the GTS in Pokemon and trade, though it was fucky cuz you could only trade Pokemon you’ve already seen back then.

- Ended up getting Pokemon Black, and it introduced GTS Negotiations which allowed me to match with other trainers and trade Pokemon live. Due to this, I managed to obtain every Pokemon I couldn’t get in my other games. Except event legendaries, unfortunately. I consider this one of my greatest accomplishments and keep up with this to this day.

- Considered switching my major from Graphic Design to Digital Media because I liked my Digital Media class a lot more than my Design classes. And made that switch.

- I decided to minor in psychology because I had already taken a few psych classes for GE credits so why tf not.

- Towards the end, got a “student” job at that same library doing the same thing except with artwork instead of yearbooks. Finally had money. Depression starting to lift? But job was only a 4-8 hour a week deal so not that much money in the long run.

2013-

- Discovered demisexuality via a comment on Reddit. It described me pretty damn well. Weight lifted off shoulders I didn’t even realize was there. Things made sense omg.

- Joined Tumblr.

- Best friend came over for what turned out being the last time. She was moving to Arizona.

- Got a second job working at the tech company my Dad worked at, helping out the customer service rep.

- Slowly found myself drifting apart from friend. Depression still present. Made things hard but tbh she never contacted me either. I got the impression she was mad at me given she unfollowed me on Tumblr without explanation.

- Since not a lot of work to be done helping the csr, I ended up helping our our shipping guy and became his backup. Eventually the purchaser left on maternity leave and I took her place, eventually becoming the main purchaser because they moved her to accounts receivable.

- Decided that my depression was making me a piece of shit friend so I decided to contact best friend to see how things were, only to get a cryptic, passive aggressive, two-word response back. Ended up just dropping it and figured she’d eventually come around and tell me what was wrong. She never did…

2014

- Depression on and off due to the stress of going to work and going to school. At this point I hated all art and wanted nothing to do with any of it and only went to school for the piece of paper saying I graduated college.

- I think this was when I started calling myself gray ace instead of demi because why the hell not and I’ve only been sexually attracted to one person anyway. Possibly still demiromantic though- to this day I’m still unsure tbh.

- Boyfriend taught me to drive. I got my license. I got my first car.

December 2014- I graduated college. It cured my depression. Unfortunately, it was replaced with carpal tunnel. 

2015

- Carpal tunnel still full force. All I could do was read.

- I caught up on all the books I’ve wanted to read. Eventually came across Warrior Cats. Thought it was stupid for the first 50 pages, but then became addicted. Lost interest when I had to wait several months for the next arc to come out.

- The year I got into wrestling. I shipped Rolleigns so fuckin’ hard.

- Undertale came out and became one of my favorite games of all time.

- Find out brother is addicted to painkillers which is why he had been acting like such an ass.

- Dumped Facebook.

- Driver at the company I worked at quit. Company wants me to be “temporary” driver on top of purchasing, shipping, and assisting the customer service rep.

- Got into writing and wrote a book and continued writing off and on from then to now.

2016/2017/2018? I can’t even keep track anymore.

- Pokemon Go came out and I finally got a smart phone because of it.

- Brother gets girlfriend and then gets married after only being together a year. Brother seems to have gotten better.

- They started having marital problems almost immediately. My brother turned out being an alcoholic and fuck knows if he’s still doing drugs or not he says he’s not but he’s also a chronic liar. A lot of drama happens that I don’t want to get into. They are now divorced- after two years of marriage. 

- Got new laptop cuz Macbook got too old, although it still works.

- The company I had been working at, which had always been a shit company with no money, starts going down the shitter more than it already was.

September 2017- customer service rep quits and I have to do her job on top of purchasing, shipping, and driving. Mental breakdowns become common. Depression worse than it had ever been in my life. 

January 2018- get a 45 cent raise because minimum wage went up meaning I was now making minimum wage doing all the bullshit I was doing.

May 2018- Get new job doing ONLY shipping for a few extra bucks more an hour. Depression cured.

2019

- Got in a car accident (not my fault). Car totaled. Replaced it with a 2018 car so it’s all good.

- Experienced my first flat tire half a year later.

- Still get random bouts of depression.

- Still with same boy from 2010. Would love to move in together but fuck if I know when that’ll happen. 

- Still wondering wtf happened with my (ex) best friend and am still trying to get over it. Am considering the possibility that it was probably my depressed ass not talking to her at all for like 4 months. Unfortunately I have no way of contacting her to try and make peace because we both dumped Facebook.

- Got back into Warrior Cats.

- Dad got new girlfriend. Parents finally working on getting the divorce they wanted to get 20+ years ago but never did cuz neither one wanted to spend money on it.

- Briefly considered taking up drawing again but my skills have tanked significantly because I haven’t drawn since graduating college. Plus I’m lazy. 

- Obsessed with The Witcher.

So much has changed throughout this decade and fuck if I know how next decade is gonna turn out for me but I sure hope it's a better one.

Happy New Year to all, and to all a good night!

[hollenka99]

The Great War

Summary: Jackson Trinity continues to find more success, Jameson with it. However, a war rages on in Europe and it is inevitable that hearts will be broken by the end of it.

Warnings: Minor character death, World War One, references to infant/child mortality

July 29, 1914

Dear Mother,

I think I may have accidentally trained my son to call me Pops. He quite enjoys it when Siobhan and I sing 'Pop Goes The Weasel'. I think it may be his favourite tune. Siobhan will sing the song while I will pop to emphasize the last line by pulling my finger out of my mouth. He loves that. He has taken to following me around, attempting to do the same. Failing that, he tries to say the word.

So, I suppose I am 'Pops' now. I don't mind, especially with origins like these. Siobhan is still 'Momma'.

Yours, Jameson

August 5, 1914 Harvey,

I heard Great Britain declared war on Germany. I know exactly what that means for Canada. I also know what your intentions are. I disagree with them wholly. Enlisting is the wrong thing to do. You have three young daughters who rely on you, not to mention Edith. What would happen to them while you were away getting shot at?

I don't know whether you miss South Africa, the structure of the army or simply enjoy risking your safety. I cannot begin to imagine why you are so set on enlisting. I could tell you would be the type to come running at Hughes' beck and call. And to think, I counted myself lucky that the British had not yet announced their plans to get involved.

Yours, Jameson

August 21, 1914 Jameson,

For someone who is rarely verbal, you have surprising trouble knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

I am fully aware of the risks involved with warfare. Have you forgotten that I have military experience? I've already fought against those primitive Boers. The Europeans should be an actual fight worth being part of.

Furthermore, don't speak to me about leaving family behind. You make constant promises of visiting Saint John yet never deliver upon them. You are forever telling us you plan to see your nieces and nephews then never show. We wouldn't know what Anthony looks like if it were not for those meaningless photographs you send. When you stop turning your back on us so you can progress your career, perhaps then we can discuss familial commitment.

It's all glamorous for you, the beginnings of a life in the spotlight. Soon, you'll have it all. By the end of the decade, you'll be living in a large expensive home with an impressive array of influential acquaintances. One day, it will all come crashing down on you. Technology will advance further than you can cope and it will leave you irrelevant. Face it Jameson, moving pictures are going to have sound eventually. Where is that going to leave a mute such as yourself?

My daughters will grow up knowing their father served their country bravely, an ordinary hero like thousands of others. All Anthony will have to be proud of is a father who starred in the pictures before he became forgotten about.

Yours, Harvey

September 7, 1914 Harvey,

Don't try insult me.

When I inevitably have to hold our mother as she grieves, I'll remember how stubbornly arrogant you have been. You weren't there for over two years. There wasn't a day where she wouldn't worry endlessly for your safety. Then Father died. We had to watch her fall apart. He'd been ill during Christmastide and he barely saw the new year. She became a widow and all she would talk about was the goddamn telegram she swore she would receive any day. It was hell to see her like that. I may live on the other side of the continent, in whole other country, but I know where her head will go as soon as you leave Saint John. I'm not 13 any longer. I am not at home to ensure she is not fixated on very possible outcomes. The only one left in Saint John will be Mabel. God knows she pulled her weight and then some at the beginning of this century. Once again, you're tearing everything apart.

It is clear you have rendered yourself deaf to sense. So go. Go get yourself killed. Allow yourself to be shot at, far away from home and curse your family with bereavement. Make your daughters question what their absent father was like. I don't care if you find your life at the factory tedious. Your outlet should not be risking everything that matters. No brother of mine would turn his back on family.

Furthermore, I have been to Saint John with Anthony. You could have met him if you weren't celebrating Thanksgiving elsewhere. I know my career has a time limit. It is why I am so determined to succeed and give my son the best life possible. Far better than the life you could ever provide your children. I may have been happy to lend you some of my profits, if you weren't acting like an ass.

Yours, Jameson

October 19, 1914 Dear Jameson,

While I am tired of hearing about your argument with Harvey, I thought you have the right to be updated. He went to Quebec earlier this week to hear Sam Hughes' speak before being shipped across the Atlantic. The girls and I will be okay. Your mother has kindly offered to let us stay at her home should we ever need it.

I share a similar view to yours regarding all of this. I by no means wished for him to leave. He wholeheartedly believes this is what he should do. The government is bound to release propaganda to encourage enlistment eventually. I suppose, as his wife, I can't do anything but trust he will return.

All the best, Edith

November 11, 1914 Dear Mother,

Siobhan has been longing for a pet for several months now. We have made the commitment of owning a dog. It is a Dalmatian she has named Lyra. Anthony has immediately taken to her. My only concern is that he will treat her too roughly and she will defend herself aggressively. He doesn't know much better but we are trying to prevent anything from happening.

I have taken to helping train her in my spare time. It is refreshing to be obeyed by a creature of lesser intelligence. It may be too soon for results to show but it is a start. Perhaps you should get yourself a dog as well. I'm sure Harvey's girls would adore one. Mabel might be interested in introducing a pet into her family. That said, Walter (if he is indeed a boy as she insists) is going to be born any day now. Maybe she should wait until her sons are older.

Yours, Jameson

April 13, 1915 Dear Mother,

Have you seen Chaplin's latest? That Tramp character looks like he has promise. My Jolly Gentleman is selling well also. I am grateful people adore him. He is dear to me. Could you imagine a meeting between Chaplin's Tramp and my Gentleman? It would be quite the escapade.

Did Cliff tell you I've met the man? They are acquaintances from their respective times at Keystone. I met Cliff outside of the studios at the end of a day of filming. Chaplin was there too. Cliff introduced us so I did my best to strike a short conversation. He comes across as a good fellow. If I'm going to be honest, I find it difficult to imagine he and the Tramp share the same face. I doubt people have the same issue with me as my moustache is genuine.

Yours, Jameson

June 11, 1915 Dear all,

We're amazed by how successful 'Puppet Man' has become. To think, the idea came to me from a children's book. I bought a copy of Carlo Collodi's 'The Adventures of Pinocchio' last year. It is originally Italian but a woman named Mary Alice Murray translated it into English. It has illustrations and I generally thought Anthony would enjoy it. Instead, I found myself reading it.

It's about a carpenter who creates the eponymous puppet boy. Pinocchio is a compulsive lair and by the end he finds himself as real of a boy as any reading the story. The Christian message is blatant but overall, it is not a bad book. My only issue with it is the scene where bandits hang Pinocchio until they tire of waiting for him to suffocate. I am not sure whether I will include that part when reading it to Anthony.

I never plagiarized. 'Puppet Man' was merely inspired by the story. I could never use the elongating nose because that trait is unique to Pinocchio. Honestly, the only similarities between the two are that a puppet finds life by the finale.

Still, $300,000 is a lot of money. We've never made this much profit before. It's not our first feature film but this is Pearl's directorial debut. This may be the big break we've been hoping for. We have nothing to do but celebrate and plan how to proceed.

Yours, Jameson

Oliver Charles Jackson Male October 21, 1915 Los Angeles Siobhan O'Hara Jameson Jackson

October 30, 1915 Dear all,

It seems we have a jealous older brother on our hands. Yesterday, we found Anthony hiding Oliver in his toy box after he emptied it, saying it was all Oliver's fault. When he noticed we were watching, he cried. He says we stopped paying attention to him and that he's been replaced. I attempted to calmly explain to him why we don't bury baby brothers in our toys.

It may take time for him to get used to this new arrangement. Let us hope the two are on better terms eventually. As of now, it is clear he is the same Anthony he was a month ago. He later leaned over the cot and reminded 'Ollie' who was in control but was apologetic when caught. He's just attention-seeking now that his parents have to dedicate more time to the baby. I was similarly upset with Pearl, wasn't I?

Yours amusingly, Jameson

January 23, 1916 Dear Jameson,

It was delightful to see you reprising your role as best man at Cliff's wedding. Anthony made a good ring bearer, even if he was a little side-tracked by the amount of guests present. Furthermore, I loved meeting baby Oliver. Either he was on his best behaviour or Anthony is finally beginning to warm to his brother.

I was wrong about Loretta. She is a charming woman and I am glad she has now joined our family. You were right, his relationship with her is worlds away from what he had with Elizabeth. While I do wish them a happy life with children, I can't help but wonder what became of Clara and Daniel. They are still his children, even if none of us have laid eyes on them in years. Let's hope their future half-siblings will be raised with their father present.

Yours, Your mother

May 1, 1916 Dear all,

I have been following the recent rebellion in Ireland. I wasn't exactly supportive of the Unionists using violence to promote their views. Then a British soldier began using human shields and shot a child who was likely minding his own business. His superiors better take appropriate action after this. I'm not necessarily saying the man must hang but he should be punished accordingly. And no plea of insanity. If I hear he gets away with his despicable actions because he feigns insanity or the British turn a blind eye, I will be furious. I sincerely hope the Irish won't let this rebellion be forgotten. I don't endorse the fighting, especially as Europe has enough blood being shed as it is, but I do understand their struggle.

I wonder what Granny would make of all this. It's impossible to forget the passion with which she would insist it was never a famine but a starvation. She had every right to be feel strongly on the subject. I may have listened to her a little too intently as a child. Although, she was always right about the British making their way up the global hierarchy. The sun may never set on the British Empire but maybe it should, it would be easier to pretend blood didn't water the soil years ago.

I've learned two things over the past few years. I find myself somewhat impassioned when it comes to the British and pacifism. I prefer to stay slow to anger. I doubt I will ever cease reacting strongly to those subjects. I plan to stop so I do not carry on this narrow-minded attitude in my sons. Besides, Siobhan is the Irish one. She doesn't have as strong of an opinion on British rule.

I suspect the Irish will continue fighting for the Ireland they want during the remainder of this century. I can only hope the fatalities and casualties involved in this is kept to a minimum.

Yours, Jameson

June 23, 1916 Dear Mother,

The other day, Anthony must have been somewhat bored because he heaved his brother off the floor and made Ollie 'ride' Lyra. I'm not sure how she felt about the incident but she didn't react negatively. Oliver, however, wasn't too pleased to be handled in such a way. Eight months after meeting his brother, Anthony is still learning how to be gentle. I suppose there have been worse brothers. Didn't Cliff try to drag me into the sea at one point because I tripped on his blocks? I glad our relationship has matured and he isn't planning my murder anymore.

I managed to capture the moment. It is a little blurry but you can see well enough what Anthony is doing. I hope you enjoy the photograph.

Yours, Jameson

July 16, 1916 Dear Jameson,

Do you remember David Wynton? The two of you used to be such close friends. You seemed to lose touch with each other after you left for New York. I never really understood why that happened.

I am so sorry, Jameson. I ran into his mother at the market and we began to talk. She received a telegram earlier this month. I didn't know how to respond. I wish I didn't have to tell you about his death. You should at least know.

You have my sympathy, Your mother

August 1, 1916 Dear Mother,

Thank you for telling me the news. Although, I think you may be mistaken. David and I still talked to each other until last year. I'll admit it was at a decreased frequency than in our youth but we corresponded nonetheless. In fact, he was at the wedding. Do you not remember?

Anthony is excited for his fourth birthday next Monday. He is very confused as to why his Pops has suddenly decided to stop playing with him. I feel bad for subjecting him to this unexplained change in behaviour. I'm not sure whether he would even understand the concept of death. I found myself telling Oliver about David last night as I prepared him for bedtime. Nine month olds are not inclined to ask you questions throughout your story. In the end, I had to pass him to Siobhan.

Siobhan herself is very understanding. I am grateful for that, not that I ever expected her to be anything but supportive in times like these. There are boys she knew from Limerick who are never coming home too.

I wish this war would end already. In the very least, we still have Harvey. As against his decision as I am, I do miss him. If this is how affected I am by the death of a lifelong friend, I cannot bare the thought of losing a brother.

Tell his family I am thinking of them, Jameson

October 12, 1916 Dear Mother,

It was odd to be back in Saint John after the news earlier this year. Even stranger was visiting David's family for a moment to personally give my sympathies, only to discover he has a son. He'd told me he had a girlfriend but never mentioned she had been expecting when he left. Maybe he believed I'd think less of him because the boy is illegitimate. I never could judge him for that.

It is funny that his son is named Winston. David was always jokingly telling me he would have a son with that name. I would proceed to chuckle and encourage him to do so with jest. I am beginning to question whether he had been serious the whole time. I do find it humorous that there is a Winston Wynton out there in the world. That knowledge makes it easier to carry on without being able to properly bid farewell to his father.

If I were raising my sons in Saint John, I would like the three boys to be friends, preferably as close as their fathers were.

Yours, Jameson

November 27, 1916 Dear Mother,

If you hear anything about a lawsuit involving us, ignore it. It is complete nonsense. Keystone claim Cliff has performed mutiny, betrayed them, whatever drivel they are spouting this week. There is no case. There was no legal agreement that Cliff wouldn't return to Jackson Trinity during his contract with Keystone. Even so, he had little involvement with our productions during that time out of respect. His contract had been ceased for several months before any of these allegations began.

We have found ourselves a decent lawyer, simply for the security of it. It is best to prepare in case Keystone's legal team is persuasive. He agrees this is all hot air but understands why we are being cautious.

Yours, Jameson

April 6, 1917 Dear all,

Nearly three years into the war, the United States of America has declared war on Germany. I suppose the allies are glad for the extra help. God knows how long this conflict will last. I recall people insisting it would all be over by Christmas. Three years ago. There are hundreds of thousands of American men who are of the right age and fitness to enlist. With all those new recruits, perhaps this is the boost the allies need to win.

However long this war lasts, I am dreading the first glimpse of how affected the country is by the deaths of family members that will inevitably come. Let's pray it will be this Christmas that we can celebrate peacetime once more.

Yours, Jameson

July 21, 1917 Dear all,

The case has been won in our favour. The three of us are relieved. We will celebrate quietly then return to business as usual. This was simply an annoying blip.

Just thought I'd update you on our situation.

Yours, Jameson

October 14, 1917 Dear Jameson,

How are you doing? I am looking forward to seeing you again one day. It will be a good day. We can share a drink and you can live up to your name, Whiskey. With an Irish wife, I expect you to outdrink me with ease. I would kill for some alcohol now.

I wanted to apologize, Jem. We've had a tense relationship over these past few years and I've sensed the distance between us. I thought I knew full well how dangerous the battlefield can be. I know that far better than you, yet I was the one who chose to join regardless. I've since discovered France is nothing like South Africa.

You've constantly blamed me for abandoning my family. I can assure you that I love Edith and my daughters. All I wanted was for them to grow up with a favourable impression of me. Isn't that what we all wish for, our children wanting to follow in our example? You have no idea how desperately I'd love to see them right now. I want to be reunited with you all.

I want you to know I'm proud of you. While we can't exactly go to the pictures here, I have heard a fair amount of news about your success from Saint John. I know it is a team effort and the three of you are just as responsible for your rise as each other. That said, there would be no movie without a script. All the actors are doing are bringing your stories to life. You were always good with a pen. You're not bad with arithmancy but, trust me Jem, you would be wasted as an accountant.

I've also heard you've given Anthony a little brother. Make sure they don't end up like us. No one person can control the events of the world but you can raise your sons on knowledge of our mistakes. Teach them to be forgiving. Teach them time is not always their ally. Most importantly, teach them to treasure each other and never forsake the bond they were gifted. If they don't heed those words, then it all goes to waste.

I'm in the infirmary right now. Breathed in something I shouldn't have. It was unintentional but I am sitting here, resenting my foolishness. I hope you can forgive me for all our quarrels. I will be fine, don't you worry. We can shake hands the next time we meet.

Wishing you a long and happy life, Harvey

October 26, 1917 Dear Clifford, Jameson and Pearl,

I'm sure you are all hard at work. I am looking forward to watching your latest feature at the Imperial. However, I insist that you return home immediately. I received a telegram regarding Harvey. The worst has happened. We need to be together as a family.

Regrettably awaiting your arrival, Your mother

November 4, 1917 Dear Harvey,

Yes, you are a fool. But so am I. This is my fault. I've been so angry at the prospect of losing those dear to me I acted irrationally.

Dorothy, Alice and Minerva could never see you in a bad light. They only wish to have you home for good. You've missed three years of their lives but it can be rectified. I hear from Edith that next year, Dorothy and Minnie are beginning middle school and elementary school respectively. Be there for that. They are growing up faster than you'd like. I struggle to understand how Anthony and Ollie are already 5 and 2 years old.

I know you never cared for ancient texts but I am reminded of a moment during the Trojan War. There was a disagreement between Agamemnon and Achilles. After Achilles' good friend (some argued lover) dies protecting his honour, Agamemnon apologizes to Achilles. He says something along the lines of the gods stealing their common sense. I feel that applies to us.

God must have stolen both of our common sense. I am willing to let bygone be bygones so long as you

March 6, 1918 Dear Jameson,

We saw your latest film. We can't say we enjoyed the messages it conveyed.

I will warn you once and once only; do not let your works become political. This will get you nowhere and destroy the reputation you have earned. Especially when you come to your senses and remind yourself that the war in Europe is yet to reach its conclusion.

I understand Jem, I truly do. We are all doing our best to carry on without Harvey. Making a film about boys being raised to fight is not the right way to grieve. For the love of God, you used your sons! I hope you feel at least the slightest bit of shame. How Cliff or Pearl, let alone your wife, allowed you to use them is a mystery to me.

I remember the happy boy who would steal my candy when he thought I wasn't looking. I remember the brother who smiled whenever he was ill so we wouldn't fret too much. I remember the Jem who had his voice stolen as a child, his health forever compromised, but took it all in his stride.

I don't recall a man with an uncharacteristically dark mind.

You have so much to be happy about. Your third child is due in June, you have a successful career and business, your wife cares for you and you still have three other siblings who have always been there for you.

Please think things through, Mabel

Sophia Evelyn Jackson Female April 29, 1918 Los Angeles Siobhan O'Hara Jameson Jackson

May 8, 1918 Dear Mother,

Sophia arrived a week ago on the 29th. She is 5 weeks too early and I have been so consumed with anxiety that I forgot to even inform you of her birth. I apologize.

The boys haven't been able to properly meet their sister. Children are so susceptible to diseases. God forbid one of them develops a cold and interacts with Sophia. She is so unbearably fragile as of right now. All it takes is for her to be infected with a common illness, one that is relatively harmless, and she could be gone.

I fear that will be the thing to push me over the edge. Harvey's death is fresh and I can't bare to lose more of those I care for. Everything is out of my control and cruelly so. I know there were two between myself and Pearl. Siobhan had a number of older siblings she never got to meet. Was this how it was for you and her parents? I know Cliff and I had a habit of making a nuisance of ourselves. If we caused you distress while you suffered this way, I cannot begin to apologize enough.

I don't care if she is a sickly child. She can spend her whole life bedridden and I will care for her with everything I have. I will happily remain paranoid regarding her wellbeing for as long as I live. If she must be isolated for her own good, I will keep her company. So long as she is still here. There cannot be any other alternative.

Wishing I could have given you good news, Jameson

November 12, 1918 Dear all,

It's over! It's finally over. I may have shed a tear or two when I heard the news. I can't help but think of all the fortunate families who will be welcoming their fathers, husbands and brothers back home. I can't imagine how relieved they must be at the announcement. Then there are families such as ours who will find all of this bittersweet. I suppose the only comfort we can have is that no more will have to grieve like us because of the Great War.

They call it the war to end all wars and, as desperately hopeful as I am that will prove true, I know what Man is like. Give it a century or so. The survivors will pass war stories down to their sons and grandsons. One day, this war will be but a collection of stories and some fool will cause history to repeat itself.

I'll do what I can to make sure neither Anthony nor Oliver will end up that fool. I hated having to raise them during such a horrific conflict. I hope they won't remember this part of their life. Six and three years of age is too young to retain vivid memories, I think.

Thinking of you, Jameson

[nbiblioholic]

Down the TBR Hole was originally created by Lost in a Story! The point of it is to help cull your reading lists down, or maybe push higher anticipated releases up on your TBR! And maybe you all can help me along the way, and tell me if you’ve loved or hated any of these! How it works: ➽ Go to your Goodreads to-read shelf. ➽ Order on ascending date added. ➽ Take the first 5 (or 10 if you’re feeling adventurous) books - I do about 15-20 because my list is HUGE ➽ Read the synopses of the books ➽ Decide: keep it or should it go?

The Darkest Hour (KGI #1) by Maya Banks Avg rating: 4.16/Release: September 7, 2010 A while back I read one of the books of this series and I enjoyed it so much that I promised myself that I would start from the beginning. So here it is. And when I find the time to read it, I'll let you know if I enjoyed it as much. Verdict: Keep

Dirty Angels (Dirty Angels #1) by Karina Halle Avg rating: 3.93/Release: June 15, 2014 Because I've enjoyed so much of what I've read from this author, I've taken to adding her books to my TBR as I come across them. This one is of particular interest to me because it has a trigger warning. It's like telling me not to look at something. I'm only more curious. And... I just one-clicked! Verdict: Keep

Charmed: A Prescott Novel (Prescott Series #3) by Joanne Schwehm Avg rating: 4.09/Release: November 8, 2016 I remember helping to promote this book with my limited social media presence. I wasn't doing bookstagram yet and I was very rarely on Twitter. I didn't have a blog, much less an FB page. My attempts were miniscule at best, but they were there. I'm actually not interested in reading this book, but thought I should add it to interest others. Verdict: Delete

Nights With Parker by Alice Tribue Avg rating: 3.84/Release: September 22, 2016 I've read from this author before and enjoyed it, but this one looks like it may turn into a favorite. It's about an alpha-hole, which everyone knows are my kryptonite. Nothing makes me hotter! Verdict: Keep

Junkie (Broken Doll #1) by Heather C. Leigh Avg rating: 3.91/Release: September 13, 2016 New-to-me author! I remember being very excited to read this. Although it follows a common organized crime theme, it seemed to be a little bit different. How often is the heroine a junkie? Seriously. That alone makes me want to know more. I only wish this series was in KU so I wouldn't be scared spending my money on it. Verdict: Keep Poughkeepsie (The Poughkeepsie Brotherhood #1) by Debra Anastasia Avg rating: 3.92/Release: November 22, 2011 This author's work is usually hit-or-miss for me. I've loved some and I've... not so loved some. But this one was recommended as one I'd thoroughly enjoy. I hope I won't have to beat someone upside the head if it turns out I don't like it. Verdict: Keep

To Hate Adam Connor by Ella Maise Avg rating: 4.23/Release: June 9, 2016 I've really liked everything I've read from this author. Her stories follow a predictable theme, however, her voice makes them unique. Enjoyable stories with relatable characters. Verdict: Keep

The Silent Waters (Elements #3) by Brittainy C. Cherry Avg rating: 4.38/Release: September 22, 2016 New-to-me author! Although I've never read anything from this author, I've heard nothing but great things. I actually received a signed copy of Behind The Bars, which I haven't read yet (on my side TBR - and yes I have many TBR lists) so I do have an opportunity to try her work. I guess we'll see. Verdict: Delete

Covet (Splendor #1) by Janet Nissenson Avg rating: 4.47/Release: June 21, 2016 I actually read the third book of this series and although I usually love whatever I read from this author, I didn't love this. I see no reason to continue. Verdict: Delete Hot For Teacher Anthology Avg rating: 4.35/Release: October 18, 2016 Dang it, I really wanted to read this when it was released. But as many of you know, wanting and reality aren't always aligned. I'm unable to find this anthology on Amazon so I guess I missed my chance. 😭😭😭 Verdict: Delete The Lion's Lady (Crown's Spies #1) by Julie Garwood Avg rating: 4.17/Release: March 1, 1991 I'm embarrassed to say that's it's been a while since I've read a book from this author. Embarrassed because I used to be quite addicted to her writing. If you could see my huge library of her books, you'd understand. So to say I'm excited to jump back into one of her worlds would be an understatement. Verdict: Keep

Maneuver (Men of Inked: Southside #1) by Chelle Bliss Avg rating: 4.23/Release: July 31, 2018 I happened to get the first series, Men of Inked, a boxset for FREE on Amazon. I haven't had the chance to read it yet, but I'd like to before I dive into this one. From what I remember of this author, her books don't have descriptive sex scenes, which annoyed me, but I'm hoping to be pleasantly surprised. Those covers need sex! Verdict: Keep

Disclaim (Deliver #3) by Pam Godwin Avg rating: 4.32/Release: August 31, 2016 I won a signed copy of Deliver from a Goodreads giveaway but haven't had the chance to read it yet. Since it's recommended that I read that and Vanquish before reading this one, I guess this book has to wait. Verdict: Keep

Can't Own This (Can't Touch This #2) by Tess Hunter Avg rating: 4.17/Release: ? There's no release date yet for this book. I enjoyed the first one of the series and I'm still looking forward to this one. Honestly, I don't think there's a Pepper Winters book out there that I wouldn't purchase. Verdict: Keep

Spied by J.M. Miller Avg rating: 4.08/Release: October 20, 2016 New-to-me author! I'm not sure what prompted me to add this one. It wasn't recommended and I've never even heard of it before. After reading the blurb, I'm not feeling the pull. Verdict: Delete The Heart of a Killer (The Killer #1) by Jaci Burton Avg rating: 3.90/Release: October 25, 2011 I don't think I've read a book from this author since 2015. And I think what I did read was sports romance. This story seems completely different from what I've experienced from her and I'm excited to see what's to come of it. Verdict: Keep

Meeting The Unpredictable by Riann C. Miller Avg rating: 4.20/Release: September 29, 2016 I can't remember the last time I've read anything from this author. Definitely not one of my go-tos, however, I do know a lot of people who love her work. I'm not the biggest fan of new adult stories, but I've been told that this one is an exception and is full of feels, so I guess we'll see if it is. Verdict: Keep

The Player by Claire Contreras Avg rating: 4.04/Release: October  10, 2016 Even if I wasn't already a fan of this survivor of an author, even if I wasn't already excited to read this book, have the seen the freaking cover?! Yeah, I'm definitely not passing this one up! Verdict: Keep

The Studying Hours (How to Date a Douchebag #1) by Sara Ney Avg rating: 3.86/Release: September 13, 2016 I actually have this book already sitting on my kindle. Funny thing is, I've read all of the other books in this series and feel like I know the characters from this one already. Hopefully I'll get to this one sometime soon. Verdict: Keep

Roping The Virgin (Cowboys & Virgins #2) by Alexa Riley Avg rating: 3.82/Release: September 25, 2016 There isn't a time in my life that I'll turn down reading a book from Alexa Riley. Smut-tastic and smut-terrific pleasures is what they are. These stories are great fro reading in between meatier stories. Don't expect a whole lot of substance, but do expect a good time. Verdict: Keep Have you read any of these books before? Am I on the right track by keeping/deleting them? That's it for this edition of keeping it real with my TBR. I hope your TBR remains long and fruitful!! Happy reading!! xoxo

[lovemesomesurveys]

1 - What's your favourite TV or film adaptation of a book? Do you prefer the book or the adaptation overall? One of them is The Hunger Games films. I thought they did pretty well. The books are better of course, but still I enjoyed the films.

2 - When was the last time you had a headache? Did you take any painkillers or did you wait for it to disappear on it's own? A couple days ago. I can’t take anything for them, so I have to just ride ‘em out.

3 - Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? Are you a fan of things like that in general? Yeah, I tried for awhile. It was hard finding a good one, but eventually I found one I liked. Even still, I couldn’t get in a good habit with drinking them regularly. I’d do good for awhile and then fall off track.

4 - Are you the kind of person to enjoy taking naps? I always feel groggy and meh after a nap, but sometimes I can’t fight it and give in.

5 - Are any of your electronics on charge right now? Do you have to charge those things daily? My laptop and my Beats earphones. And yep. My laptop stays connected for the most part anyway.

6 - When was the last time you ordered takeaway? What did you order and did it taste good? This past Friday I had Wingstop delivered and it was delicious as always.

7 - What's your typical order from Starbucks or the coffee shop of your choice? Ever since this past November my drink has been a venti peppermint white chocolate mocha with soy. I’ve been obsessed, it’s just so good.

8 - What kind of milk do you typically drink? I don’t drink milk by itself, but anytime I use milk I use soy or almond milk because I’m lactose intolerant. 

9 - What body parts do you shave and how often? Do you do this for yourself, someone else or because of peer pressure? Areas I feel need to be shaved. I do it for myself. 

10 - Do you play any games on your cell phone? Which ones do you enjoy playing the most? Sometimes. I like murder mystery/hidden object and puzzle games, as well as word games.

11 - Do you know how to tie a tie? if so, who taught you and why? Nope.

12 - Where do you get the majority of your new from? Online news sites and the news app on my phone.

13 - If you enjoy scented candles/incense/wax melts, which scents do you like the best? I like autumnal and Christmas-y scents from Bath and Body Works.

14 - Is there a particular meal you love but only ever have on special occasions? What is it and why don't you have it more often? Well, like turkey, oven baked ham, and stuffing I only have for the holidays.

15 - Do you receive a lot of spam phone calls? Do you ignore them, answer them or block them? Ugh, yes. I never answer them.

16 - Do you have an item of clothing you love so much that you own it in multiple colours? No, but I have many pairs of leggings in the same color. 

17 - What's your favourite kind of fruit juice? None.

18 - Where you live, are there still industries that are shut down because of COVID? Is your job impacted at all? Yeah, but restrictions are starting to be lifted again I think for like in-door dining and hair salons.

19 - Would you ever want to own an exotic animal as a pet? Which particular animal would you like? No.

20 - How often do you wash your hair? Every 2-3 days.

21 - Have you heard of the "no 'poo" method of hair washing? Have ou ever tried it? If not, would you want to give it a go? Is that no shampoo? What do you use then, just conditioner? I’m not sure exactly what that method entails and I don’t feel like looking into it. I’ll just stick to my shampoo method. 

22 - In your opinion, what's the most irritating habit someone can have? Are you close to anyone who has this particular habit? Eating sounds drive me nuts. I can’t stand when people chew loudly and make smacking, sucking, and slurping noises. Gahhhh. I’m like you hear yourself??

23 - What's your favourite kind of cheese to have on a pizza? Feta and ricotta.

24 - What's a hobby you loved when you were younger but no longer enjoy for whatever reason? Hmm. I used to like writing short stories. I sometimes get the urge to want to write again, but then it disappears. I just don’t have the inspiration, motivation, or energy to even attempt to start something. 

25 - Do you remember life without the internet? Do you prefer things the way they are or do you wish the internet didn't exist? Crazy to think when I was a kid I actually played outside and did other things besides spend hours on the computer. Wild. Yeah, I’m glad the internet exists.

26 - Are you glad that Joe Biden won the 2020 presidential elections? I don’t get into politics on here. 

27 - What radio station do you listen to the most? I haven’t listened to the radio in years.

28 - Do you think the UK should have stayed in the European Union? I don’t know anything about that.

29 - What book series are your favourite and why? Have you read these books multiple times? I have many favorites, but some of my current favorites are murder mystery/psychological thrillers by authors Willow Rose, AJ Rivers, and Mary Stone. I’ve read so many books from each of them and I’m obsessed.

30 - Is there a popular food/drink that you can't stand? What is it and why don't you like it? Sushi and alcohol. It seems like everyone loves sushi and to drink besides me.