#i often want to plug in some of my fav songs but no post ever feels worthy of such bangers haha

[quaddmgd]

PARTY LIKE IT'S 2072

Place me in my casket tonight Because I'm already dying inside Pale skin so cold to the touch Like a rose in bloom when we blush Dark eyes meet under the sky The stars are out, we're alive in the night My hollow heart finds it too hard to trust We're all alone until we turn back to dust

Sidewalks and Skeletons - GOTH

[sunnysideupproject]

Under Pressure

A state I’m perpetually under. Also happens to be an iconic song by one of the greatest rock bands ever, Queen*.

This is a post about my good old friend, stress.

Everyone experiences it differently. Sure, we share our instigators e.g. peer pressure, family problems, deadlines....job applications...but ultimately, our coping mechanisms vary. 

My stress has always been infectious, like a disease. Often it begins with something substantial and somehow burrows it’s way deep into my psyche: attacking my self-esteem, self-worth and confidence. It even used to manifest itself on a physiological level - panic attacks in public areas and difficulties in breathing. Over the years though, I realised that I’m coping better. And it has to do with so much more than just ‘effective time management’. I’d like to share with you a little bit about my personal growth, and how I cope with stress :-)

I find refuge in the things I love

This sounds a bit silly but hear me out. Movies, books, music, places - these are my outlets and indulging in any of these is cathartic, really.

I spend a lot of time dawdling in bookstores: I always linger in the Waterstones bookstore right outside my university during free periods. I love browsing through the shelves, running my hands through the spines of new books and reading the summary of each one, adding worthy ones to my expanding TO-READ list in my Goodreads account. Fun fact: I worked in a bookstore briefly after my A-Level exams. Those were some good times.

I listen to the same songs on loop: After a stressful day, I plug my earphones in and blast my phone to SZA; She’s singing about hoppin’ through poppy fields and dodgin’ evil witches and suddenly my day is so much better. My mini study breaks usually involve me singing in front of the mirror to my playlist and shamelessly rocking out. 

I binge-watch/binge-read: Nothing tops the feeling of being so absorbed by the book you’re reading or the movie/series you’re watching until you spiral into the small universes built around them. My brain overanalyses things to the point of absurdity. That’s why certain songs, movies and books hold so much significance; like how Hogwarts has made an indefinite impact on how I perceive people, and my first impressions of them - I sort them into houses! 

I share my interests with the people around me: I am an avid fangirl. I overreact. I hype. And for the longest time, I feared that being overly excited about things has repelled people away from me. But this is not true. As I opened myself up, I’ve connected with so many people who have the same interests as I do and my life has been so much richer. 

I’ve learnt to stop taking myself so seriously and start having a bit of fun - this has become the biggest stress-relief ever. 

Put yourself out there; show your dedication to the things you love - whether it’s K-Pop, Renaissance Art, Anime, Basketball, Harry Styles, the LOTR series, experimenting with photography. Be a fan! Don’t let anyone put you down for being extra. You deserve to enjoy things wholeheartedly.

I take care of myself 

“I’m dying a slow and painful death” - was the only thought running in my head during my first facial back in 2011, as tears streamed silently down my face. Back in KL, my mom drags me to a facial every now and then. In the UK however, this is a luxury I can’t afford. 

So I do facial masks twice a week: a clay mask (as seen above) to yank out all the gunk from my pores, followed by a nourishing one to hydrate my skin. I also do a basic skincare routine every morning and evening and I try to be diligent about it. The emphasis here is on try. (Serena and I were thinking about interviewing each other on our respective skincare routines! WIP). There’s something extremely therapeutic about tending to your skin and the aftermath of it is just so liberating. Towards the exam season, you’ll probably catch me walking around either looking like Casper the friendly ghost (sheet masks galore!) or a creature with white polka dots on its face (pimple cream).

Self-care for me also means exercising. Yoga has been such a gentle stress relief for me and it is truly something I’d love to master one day. Still bummed that I can’t do a headstand. Also sweating it out at the gym for a bit gets the oxygen flowing to my brain, which really does help kick the focus back in. 

I also like cooking to destress (shocking? I know!) - there’s something about the monotony of chopping vegetables and following a set of instructions that keep me at peace. Not too keen on the occasional burnt piece of chicken though.

I know this is easier said than done but take some time out of the day to reenergise. Studying periods can get so intense. I know what it’s like to be cooped up in your chair for too long. Stand up and stretch a little! Grab a bevy/fruit from the fridge. Rest your eyes. Most importantly, take care and don’t over-exert. The body has its limits and it most certainly needs to be recharged.

I rely A LOT on my support system

In of the lowest points of my life, I became extremely defensive and lashed out at all the people who cared about me. This defensiveness, this trait that turns me into a monster is very much embedded in my DNA today. I’m still working on it. And man did I try to rationalise back then; I had an array of unresolved childhood issues to blame and I constantly nitpicked the individual faults of each ‘aggressor’ - the friends and family who tried to help me.

I convinced myself that the angst I felt was the sole product of circumstance. And of course I was innocent. The mental gymnastics that I tried so hard to perfect only sabotaged me further. I was a deeply unhappy, confused and angry person for the longest time. 

Nothing could ever justify my toxicity. It took so much hurting and destruction to realise this. The people in my life who love me unconditionally, have seen me through those times. And they’re still here. I’ve opened myself up to letting people in; people who make me feel safe. I’ve let my support system grow. And I’m embracing the positivity from all our interactions. 

Somedays I send long, messy texts detailing everything that’s wrong with my day. My friends would draw parallels between our lives and I don’t feel so alone. Somedays it is I who read their long, messy texts and draw my parallels. Often it’s jokes, memes or banter about our favourite shows. Somedays we catch up over some good food or an average movie. Here in the UK, it’s walking in parks, ogling at all the dogs as we stroll. My dad sending me a never-ending stream of family pictures. Overstretched FaceTime sessions with my grandparents; them jostling over who’s the better cook as I roll over with laughter. Anna’s (our family dog) clueless face peering at me over the screen during our sessions.

Somedays I just want to hear my mother’s voice.

If you’re going through a shitty time in your life, please don’t bottle things up. Suppressing your feelings is a dangerous thing. I know that you seem weary of the people around you. Suspicious even. Why do they care? What do they know? You probably feel like you need all the space in the world. They’re probably breathing down your necks right now. 

Opening up is so scary - but do it slowly. Find someone you trust and who will listen. They don’t always have to be family. Often they are friends. Keep them close. You don’t need to surround yourself with an arsenal of friends. Two or three good ones are enough.

Talk. 

Your support system doesn’t always have to serve a purpose; they can’t possibly solve all your problems. They’re here to give you all the love you need. And trust me, you’ll need a lot of it. Gradually, you’ll learn to reciprocate. Promise.

And if you can’t seem to find the support you need, I’m here for you. We may not know each other well, but I have my arms wide open. I’ll listen.

*Under Pressure by Queen* - One of my favs!

[lafortis]

Do the first 12 ask things

tell me about your crush!!!!!!!ahh well my crush is a beautiful elegant person whomst I do not deserve but whom accepts this about me and is understanding and wonderful anyway (and draws rly rly fucking well and [I’m lead to believe] is a mean lean vegan chef chopping greens)tell me about your exidk which one to talk abt so I’ll go with list recent. she was pretty cool, she followed me on Twitter and I recognised her from HS then a week or two later she had a mutual friend invite me to a basement party where me n tittles (aka The Good Jordan) got demolished and I think I smoked my first tiny bit of weed, then I made out with her on her basement floor or mattress or smthn (her pajamas were very soft). I sort of talked tittles n nevin into talking me into hitting her up afterwards, got together (while they were still around lmao) and watched a like bo Burnham special and made out or something. She was coming off a breakup, we hung out/talked on n off for a while with her being super inconsistent, dated for a few months (I drove her around a lot), and then it got #messy I guess yikestell me about your dayI woke up, finished my book and had a coffee (which I’m becoming increasingly convinced I should stop), grabbed rob, picked up Reid from work, got food, went home, grabbed Nevin, went to Anthony’s for melee n too watch evo. Jordan (aka The Bad Jordan) and Richard showed up too, it’s aiiiight, we break apart when Anthony has to pick up his gf, we drop Reid off, the crew we came with plus alek whom we get from McDonald’s go to my house to watch the rest n play melee, n then we’re done :D Rob and I go to try to catch a togetic but mine flees :’( now I’m heretell me about your dreamsLiterally my dreams or my aspirations? I think yesterday i dreamed I made day two of evo or some other big tournament and then missed my bracket and got disqualified (believable tbh), and probably also some random sex dream and maybe some other stuff. I’m off my vyvanse rn so i think my dreams r more vivid. As for aspirations… Probably like power honestly. Not like sinisterly, just the concept of decision making power. Like I think I’m smart and could do well and save lives if given the reins of whatever. tell me about your dramaLord… Aight. uhhh the messiest I’ve ever been was the end of the relationship with my last ex and I don’t want to just literally say everything on Tumblr but idk. basically she cheated on me at a house party I wasn’t at and I didn’t find out until after we were on a break/maybe half broken up for something completely random and petty, and after she interrogated me about cheating on her, from one of our close mutual friends. i was miffed, don’t even remember most of it, mostly just got near-black out drunk at a Canada day party, vomited on alek I think, loudly forgave the dude she cheated on me w. also there was some suggestion she cheated on me more than that but also some suggestion she may have lied about that to seem cool???? Idk it was all messy and I didn’t comport myself particularly well either (although I forgive myself I guess given the circumstances)tell me about yourself :-)I’m a 21 year old white guy, a little above average weight, average ish height, pretty stocky and broad shouldered, my head is huge. I’ve dropped out of uni twice. I’m supposedly smart but have trouble putting that to good use. I’m very good at some of the most technical elements of super smash bros melee and am working on the rest. I enjoy history and fantasy and my major if I ever finish it is in international relations. geopolitics is the core of what I find interesting above. Politically I’m probably a democratic socialist. I listen to a lot of mainstream hip hop and not much else tbh (I have a nujabes Spotify mix to relax n study to). I’m on an Effexor XR (for anxiety and depression), an SNRI, and Vyvanse (for ADHD), a stimulant. I have two lovely dogs. I think I’m really self aware but I’m not sure. I have too much arrogance and also too little self esteem. I’m often quite loud, and my brand of humour is like mostly either the like false arrogance/bravado, running jokes into the ground, or wordplay I guess? Or just sarcasm. Idk I make ppl laugh most of the time but I’m not sure I’m actually funny. I think this is enough without getting too much righttell me about something awkward/embarrassingUhhh idk what would be awkward and embarrassing. I had a huge crush on one of my long time friends in early high school. We admitted to each other we were like each others first choice to marry when we were adults. But we started hanging out for a day or two like we were dating and I like literally suffocated her into just immediately pulling the plug because she realised how wack I wastell me about a funny story or somethingUhhhhhhhhhhhh this might be where it really breaks down. I’m not sure I have a funny story. Which is odd, given I just said I thought I was funny. But I couldn’t rly pluck one out of thin air that wasn’t mostly just bullying someone the story was about lmaotell me your favourite band/artist/album/songKendrick Lamar is probably my fav artist rn, Yeah Right by Vince Staples is my fav song probably. The Kendrick feature is insane. (I don’t love Kendrick as much as this response make it sound I just have that album on CD along with damn so it’s been in my head of late)tell me about your favourite memeSearch Toyota previa on my blog to find the post. That is my favourite post. I love that post fuck I have no idea why but fuck. tell me about your favourite ficI don’t rly read fic but I guess my fav was the one I read almost all the way thru, Harry Potter and the methods of Rationality. It was kinda dumb rationalist wank but I’m a rationalist wanker so sue metell me a secret ;)Ohoho there’s a winky face so it better be sexual I guess… Idk what kind of secret there is here. I don’t rly keep those tbh, except for other ppl. Uhh I’ll just choose something rly private? What is there even then hmmmMMMM wait of course I have a good one duh. I was part of an internet secret society :o still am I guess. If u wanted a sexual secret uhhh the secret is in my junk? Women love that shit. Mostly. I was gonna say I’ve made all but one of my partner’s cum but that’s not rly true anymore given I’ve had a few one off hookups under various extenuating circumstances and never got to correct my failures :’( such is life Thank u so much for this and I’m so sorry for all this FUCKING text I’m gonna edit in a read more but I’m sorry mobile users if it doesn’t work I’m so so sorry