#i often question why i put my writing on tumblr as it gets very few notes

[cinnamon-bunni]

Give Me a Heart That Won't Break

Rating: T Pairing: Gen (Levi-centric) Word count: 2k Read it on Ao3!

look at me, finally getting around to posting this on tumblr! i was planning on doing it when i posted in ao3, but i just was too lazy to lmao ;;;

this fic, along with its title, is heavily based on the song Impatiens Balsamina, and I implore you to listen to it!! it's such a pretty yet heart-breaking song <33 and of course i had to inflict pain onto levi, who else would be perfect for this song? lol

anyway, i really hope you enjoy this!! it's in a different style than i usually write in (no dialogue, present tense), so i hope there aren't too many mistakes there (god knows how many times i had to rewrite parts because i instinctively went back into writing past tense lol) but yeah!! please enjoy <3

His headphones aren’t plugged to his phone. He still wears them, scrolling through his phone and acting like they are. Levi is not in the mood to listen to short, few second videos, nor did he want to listen to his classmates. So he instead scrolls through Devilgram, and uses his soundproof headphones to drown out everyone around him. His eyes flit around the room, where other demons chatted and laughed; class hadn’t started yet, and it would be a few minutes before it did. So of course, his peers took the chance to chat, all in their different groups and surrounding someone’s table to form a circle and excitedly spoke over another.

Levi closes his eyes with a sigh for a few seconds, before then going back onto his phone. He doesn’t care about them or whatever they were talking about–probably just about parties, or shopping, or their weekend plans, or whatever normies talked about. He is fine alone, thank you very much. He preferred it, actually. A loud laugh startles the demon, and his head shoots up to search for the source.

A jock, he thinks bitterly. Of course it was a jock who didn’t understand how to be quieter inside, and is impossibly loud enough to break through his headphones for him to listen clearly. They give a hearty laugh, outstretching their hand to give a few friendly pats on their friend's shoulder. Levi is quick to realize that the other demon there that is on the receiving end of the shoulder pats is Beel, who shares a smile just as wide as his friend. His eyes search, because if one twin is there, then–ah, there he is. Belphie is seated in a nearby desk, head down with his arms out to rest on. Unlike most days though, he is wide awake, a smile hidden by his arms, and Levi can see from how his eyes crinkle and how his mouth moves that he is participating in the friendly banter.

He watches for a short few seconds, before snapping back to his phone. He clicks it back on, and goes back to scrolling and pretending not to care or listen to the others around. Well, he isn’t pretending, not at all, he doesn’t care. He is fine with no one around him–hell, he’s happy that he’s alone, because they would just be too loud and annoying, and he doesn't have the patience to handle stupid normies.

Levi is fine doing his own thing, even if it does make him appear to be lonely. Which he isn’t, because he made the choice to be alone. Why would he want to be in cliques where they would just–just-

His hand grips the phone tighter as the screen dims. He isn’t lonely. He doesn’t care what others think. Because that would make him something to be pitied and he is the Avatar of Envy. Yes, he is a gross otaku, someone who plays video games all day, has too much useless trivia memorized, spends literal days watching anime, but he is still the general of Hell’s Navy. He is still very powerful, and has power that should be feared. It sorta sends a message, in a way, of his power, in a similar vein of how Lucifer lets very few people around him. Levi does not need them, nor their pity. He does not need their pity because he is powerful and loves to be independent, and that he is not lonely. He likes it this way–it was better for everyone, in the end.

Levi prefers it this way, anyway. Being alone. He revels in his alone time. Because, because if he doesn’t…

His eyes darts back to the twins. He watches as another demon enters the conversation, and the two nameless ones give a weird handshake as a greeting. He watches as Beel and Belphie laugh and talk.

…if he doesn’t, then there would be something wrong with him. Levi is the loner, afterall, and always would be. He is the one who failed in holding normal conversations, the one who is afraid of saying the wrong thing to someone, the one who rehearses what he says, the one who struggles to even come to classes in-person, the one who can’t even do a class presentation. He is the one that everyone knows wants to be alone, and it would always be like that. They will always seem him like that, and he will always stay in his shell. Alone. A win for both parties, really.

More noises catch Levi’s attention. He moves his phone around his hands like a fidget toy as he watches his younger and much prettier brother walk into the classroom. He takes his time walking, a joyful smile on his face as he laughs and gasps at whatever someone says. His groupies follow him, and suddenly they are all taking up too much room–all laughing and squealing and enjoying themselves. They are all so happy, he thinks absentmindedly, watching a few feet away from the circle. Everyone is engaged, all participating in one way or the other.

He wonders–a tiny, minuscule part wonders–if being labeled as the loner was something he could have escaped. That maybe if he had forced himself out of his comfort-zone, if he had gone to any of the meetings for the gaming or anime club, he could be in the same situation Asmo and Beel and Belphie all found themselves in. If he had been there from the start, maybe things would have been different for him. Maybe he would find himself in a group like them.

Asmo’s fans and friends all hang off of his brother’s every word, and all react accordingly. Levi shakes his head and snaps back down to his phone. He turns it back on. What a dumb thought–what would he do, anyway? Abruptly ask them if he could join them? Levi has pride, believe it or not, and knows not to waste his time doing something dumb like that.

Besides, he’s thinking as if he has no friends, which wasn’t true at all. He has his friends in the Navy, who only ever makes the time to talk to him when he comes around every blue moon for official business; along with that, he has his online friends–who he could only really just play video games with, discuss anime, and vent about surface-level problems. Hell, he even has friends in a few different classes! Sure, they were more just like acquaintances really, where he and the other exchange pleasantries and easy small talk because their usual friend groups were separated in different classes, but–but it counts. Levi counts it, even if it’s not anything real. It needs to count for something. 

His screen cracks a bit. Levi, surprised, blinks, as he stares at the cracks that were caused by his thumb pressing hard against the bottom of the screen. He sighs, and clicks it back on once more. Looks like he would need a new phone screen. Lucifer would give him a good scolding about being careful with his strength and handling phones again, he just knows it. 

The warning bell goes off. He can hear it vaguely ring, and more people start to filter in. Asmo’s group all start to give goodbye hugs as many of them leave the class in order to head off to their own classroom. Asmo waves and gives his own goodbyes to his friends, drawing out the whole thing. Hell, Asmo even hops off his desk, and lingers just out the doorway as the majority of them leave. 

Levi scoffs out loud. They act as if it's the end of the world; that they won’t ever be able to see each other again, or something. It’s like they all can’t live without one another, or without Asmo around with them, at the very least. It was all so dumb in Levi’s eyes. He certainly wasn’t missing out on much.

So he doesn’t envy them, not at all. Really, he doesn’t.

His eyes linger on them until most of them filter out, and the room becomes quieter. Not exactly the dead silent, but quiet enough around him and his area that he couldn’t hear anyone through his headphones. Just the way he likes it.

Asmo settles back down, going back on top of his desk and conversing with anyone left. Levi’s eyes look around the room mindlessly as he watches more friends greet each other and have a good time together. He then meets a pair of fiery green eyes staring at him.

The eye contact breaks just as soon as it begins. Levi, rightfully startled, calms a bit when he finds that it was just Satan, who had been apparently staring at him for an unknown amount of time. Why had he been staring at him? But his eyes were back on his book and he acted as if nothing happened. Levi supposes that he should do the same.

But he stares at his younger brother for a few more beats. He watches as Satan reads his book, sitting in his chosen desk, close to the wall and just about in the middle of the rows, not too far from Levi’s own desk. Levi watches as he basks in the silence; although his headphones work well, it mainly comes from the fact that no one is sitting around the fifth-born. He is alone, with all desks around him left empty and untouched. It forms a space of silence around him, where he is able to read his book in peace. He looks…Levi is unable to place the look he sees on Satan’s face. He isn’t sure how to read it.

More people take their places. Levi faintly registers Satan’s scowl as others sit next to him in order to talk to one another and act as if he isn’t there. The last few of the students enter the classroom, taking up the seats that were left open. They all talk over one another, making Levi grateful for his headphones. A group of friends took the open seats around Levi, and Levi pretends not to care as they are loud and have fun around him while he stares down at his desk. Having normies like that so close to him was…

It hurt, in a weird way. Which Levi hates, because he refuses to be seen as the loser in this situation. Well, he almost always was during most times, he could own up to that, but not a loser for not having a loud and annoying and obnoxious squad around him. He does not envy them, not at all–if he did, then it was just his Sin acting up. It happens to all of them–Satan’s Wrath made him angrier than most, Lucifer’s Pride made him a prick, and sometimes Levi’s envy made it hard to be around others who had something he didn’t have. 

Levi didn’t want what they all have; he didn’t want to have people around him to talk to about the things he enjoys, to go out with to all the anime cafés, to laugh and have fun with. He was fine being alone. He tells himself that time and time again because it was true and it’s as simple as that.

In truth, he just wants to rid his Envy. Or, perhaps, just simply be able to handle the small amount of heartache he feels every time he sees his brothers with their friends. He wishes for, maybe, a stronger heart that wouldn’t break at the thought of being alone after school and when he went home and when he would go back to R.A.D. the following day, week, year. He doesn’t know if he can stand it for that long.

But he will. Because there is nothing wrong, and Levi knows and accepts this. This is just the way things were, set up all by him. He’s the one who asked for his, to be left alone and not around anyone, and he was given what he asked for. He couldn’t possibly complain about it now, not after seeing how annoying everyone else and their friends were. He is happy where he stands.

If he wasn’t, Levi thinks to himself as class starts, then something inside of him was wrong. Wrong, and incredibly broken.

[stealthetrees]

Okay I’ve snapped.

If you say Percy Jackson is stupid I will find you and make sure you regret it.

I have inattentive type ADHD. I was diagnosed in 4th grade and got put on medication. I did not think there was a difference but I got an award from the school for how much I improved. They didn’t know it was because of meds.

Before I was diagnosed I remember being on the verge of tears often at school because I got so frustrated that I couldn’t do work. I sat at my desk with the pencil in my hand staring at a worksheet physically unable to write the awnser I knew. I would stare at the question and like an optical illusion the rest of the page blurs together and I can’t even make out word anymore.

I thought I was dyslexic for the longest time because some fonts are so difficult for me to read. I could look at a recit, know it says lettuce, and it will not process in my brain. Unless I am a few hours away from a deadline it is nearly impossible to start assignments. Essays are hell.

You know those songs that have an American accent but are completely nonsense? That’s what it sounds like a lot when I listen to people talk. Usally I can grasp the general meaning but I can not tell you what word you just said.

Time is not real. I sit down, scroll through tumblr for maybe 15 minutes and my roommate asks why I’m sitting doing nothing for 4 hours straight. Full days disappear and I can’t remember anything that happened. I have no idea how long it takes me to do something I do almost every day.

I went two weeks at the beginning of the semester with meds that where 10 milligrams lower than my usual dosage. My grades still haven’t recovered.

THAT SAID. In cannon, Percy Jackson passed 13 years of school with high enough grades to be accepted to a university. Not medicated. Without accommodations.

So either the education system in New York is taylored specifically for people with ADHD, or Percy Jackson is a fucking geinios. I can’t spell.

So ignoring the fact that nearly every fight he won by outsmarting his opponent, let me tell you why.

In the books, he’s an introvert, sits in the back, tries to keep his head down but usually fails, gets detention often, and has been expelled multiple times. That’s not the kind of kid teachers go out of their way to help. He’s also unlikely to ask for help. So, despite his struggles in the classroom, he has never been held back or had to redo a grade as far as we know. And it’s pretty likely considering his age.

Add in the fact that he would be constantly sleep deprived from staying up very late (like from 10-3, based off my experience) and his dyslexia, Percy would need to be really good at retaining information after hearing or seeing it only once. That’s actually supported by his ability to memorize prophecies word for word after only hearing them once. We know Percy is bad at taking tests, so he would have to be really good at recalling information.

He also did it all unmedicated. I want to cry just thinking about it.

tldr, the fact that Percy’s grades where high enough to get into college means hes fucking brilliant

[seirindono]

two questions.

one, HOW DOES ONE COMIC/STORY BOARD??

IM OBSESSED WITH HOW YOU DO IT ITS SO BEAUTIFUL

two, HOW DO YOU SO IT SO FAST( that’s question is more just me being super impressed oh my goodness)

you’re very good😳

Aw, sweet, a board question *puts on serious glasses*

Ok, bring it on anon.

So, the first thing to ask yourself when starting a comic, as I see it, is what type of board are you dealing with. Webtoon? A4 pages? 4 panels? There are many ways to go about it, and each involves different processes. For example, pages will allow for more superfluous scenes, whereas the webtoon format has to be super succinct because of the reading direction. I personally think that's the main reason I do pages, among other advantages: •narrative density •variety •Tumblr-friendly format

There are quite a few disadvantages too but you have to go through the process of trials and errors to really find out what suits you best!

Then there's the ambition of the sequence you're boarding for. And it goes from 1. how used I am to boarding this kind of sequence/drawing these characters/setting and backgrounds, to 2. is it an emotional sequence? Dialogue-heavy? Or more contemplative?

It changes the way you work and how you should approach your board! For example, in TMS, the very wordy chapters (4 and 5 for ex) generally called for simple and narrow framing. Of course, you don't want to bore the reader so you can spice things up to match the characters mood and reactions once in a while, but you have to bear in mind that the sequence aims to provide dialogue and information = the text bubbles are key and WILL take a lot of place. So let them.

( then again, it's all about pacing and balance. A page full of dialogue and one with too much happening are equally hard to read and boring to do)

Only dialogue, simple squares, no compostion, the focus is on Mel's reaction

On the other hand, parts 7 and 8 are all about action and atmosphere! This makes for wider and more varied shots!

They're fighting, things are going fast so why not use a single line to show many actions! They're still basically squares and rectangles but the pacing is totally different!

Or why not give the action a full page to really show its sheer impact

You can also split things, with a zoom or small time gap, depending on if it's a gag or if you want to put the focus on a reaction. Here, the asymmetry helps reinforce the unstable, jerky aspect of the scene. The situation is getting out of hand, and visually, the pages are affected too.

Now, these are case-by-case examples. And I never work on my pages separately.

For context, this-

-is the "first" board I did for part 8.

The drawings are very small and frankly difficult to make out, but the intention is what matters at this point lol I have the script (very important) next to my canvas, and I scribble the pages one after the ither. This allows me to see if the actions flow well, if the compositions are varied and also whether certain passages are too long or too short in regard to their importance. Which scenes can be merged? Removed? Toned down or if they deserve more bite?

This is a really fun and creative part but, I'll say it again, made a lot easier with a solid scipt. And I'm talking about a text document with clearly defined dialogues (or at least outlines) and actions.

I can't really explain how to write a script, it really depends on your work flow and how confortable you are with writing, but it's too important to just rush through it. No matter how much it changes before, during or after your finish boarding (cuz you gotta break your own rules sometimes and you'll often realize some things don't work as well once you put them on paper/sometimes art block can be resolved by writing the scene and just taking the time to imagine) but it's still your one guideline.

Aaaand, that's about it.

Other than that, I can only highly recommend reading lots of comics, Webtoon, books, watching movies, paintings, illustrations, animatics or listening to music, to inspire you and expand your own "personal library of references". Professional or not, anything your find inspiring and well executed. Boarding is at its core, telling stories. No art skill involved, just pure subjectivity. At the end of the day, it's all about squares, rectangles and bubbles so you gotta work on your creativity. The rest is gut feeling!

Constantly ask yourself how to tell this story, and how you want to tell it. How this sequence should be perceived? What do you need to show to make pages and pages of words appealing and interesting.

Be patient, be bold. Start with easy stuff to get some confidence if you need to. Accept that "boring" pages are smt necessary and that it's up to you to build up tension for a scene to really pop. Try new ideas and be ready to scrap many of them, the result will be worth all the work!

Now, concerning the "fast" part, I'm flattered but I personally think I'm super slow xD You prbly get that impression bc I finish the whole chapter before posting it, but behind the scene, I'm just working at a very regular pace.

Thank youuu anon ♡( ◡‿◡ )

[shiftylinguini]

Fuck I Can't Write Crisis Pack:

@phoebe-delia asked in response to this fun lil ask game:

Do you have any advice for getting out of a slump/getting writing confidence back? . (for the ask anything) Do you have any advice for getting out of a slump/getting writing confidence back?

Now THIS. This is a good question, and something that is very much on my mind and has been for a while, as I am currently absolutely in the midst of this and trying to army crawl my way out. I don't have any magic bullets (is that the saying? idk) but I have been here before and i do have a small arsenal of tips or methods that I find can help me. 

Here is my Fuck I Can't Write Crisis Pack (In no particular order):

Write anything 

This is hardly groundbreaking advice, and it's also the hardest thing to actually do (imo) so do not beat yourself up if it takes a while to get to this. Basically, write ANYTHING―it can be aimless, it can be pointless, it can be crap (crap is subjective!! don't let the brain gremlins win!!). 

Don't think about posting it, don't worry about anyone else ever reading it, just fling a few words onto a page and feel the rusty faucet turn on, proving to yourself that it still works. 

Try and sus out what it is that's blocking you 

Again this one is hard and annoying but functional. Once you can put your finger on the particular reason you're staring at a flashing black line on a blank page it can help you kick that reason off your lawn and into the bin. 

And then, take it out of the bin and be kind to yourself about whatever that reason is. Maybe you feel shit because you're comparing yourself to others, your last fic felt like a lead balloon, you can't muster enthusiasm for what you once loved doing and fear that it's gone forever, you're projecting in a Tumblr post―whatever it is, it's something all the writers you admire and aspire to be like have felt, and been annoyed with themselves for, and so you can wrap it up in a blanket and put it on a shelf and be kind to it so it, (respectfully) shuts the fuck up. 

(and remember, everyone feels insecure about their stuff. Like literally everyone, at some stage, feels like their stuff is rubbish)

Cheat on your OTP 

Okay this one might not work for everyone, but it really does for me lol. Ruts (not the sexy kind) can often come with not wanting to engage in my usual ships, being annoyed by my lack of ability to fucking write them/anything/all my ideas taste like cardboard/bleh, and stepping out on them and reading something new can snap me out of it. Just, an injection of new ideas or scenarios or words or even just a little reprieve from being fed up with myself, which ideally, is why we're all here anyway. 

(And then I come crawling back, and am welcomed with open arms haha)

In a similar vein:

Engage in media 

This subtitle is genuinely terrible, i am sorry, LMAO, but essentially: find a piece of media that makes you go "oh, helLO sailor", unhinge your jaw like a snake, and consume it whole. 

Let it nourish you, inspire you, excite you, making you feel SOMETHING, and then take that and think "fuck, what if i wrote bleepbloopblarp" and even if you write nary a single word, you've thought about it and that fucking counts. 

It might be an album, a book, a song, a show, gifs of a hot person, the wikipedia summary of a movie, literally anything counts here if it makes you feel a twinge of creativity. 

Ask yourself, what would Astolat do? 

No for real. @candybarrnerd and I genuinely use this haha.  

Worried your idea is stupid? Astolat would say write it. 

Worried it's too weird? Nah, just write it. 

It's dumb and no one will read it? Just write it for you *waggles eyebrows* (and then find out that yeah, nah, someone else will absolutely read this and be real fucking happy about it haha.)

Worried you're a one trick pony and have already written this fic before, like, and not even once before, and also you're projecting again in Tumblr post? WRITE IT AGAIN! As Astolat once said, "it's a fic so nice, I wrote it thrice". 

It's good advice. 

Make a friend or lean hard on the ones you have here

Misery loves company because it knows they'll come out of this together :). I know, I know, that's fucking NAFF, but fandom is all about finding like-minded freaks and blowing up their DMs because you saw a gif and now feel a kind of ways about it. 

And lastly: 

FUCK STATS! 

I mean I love stats (yay validation!), but god can they make you feel like a worthless shit (hey where did my validation go :((( ). It can be really insidious, so piss that right off when it starts to fuck with your confidence or outlook on your own writing.

Hopefully there is something useful here, even if it's just looking at this advice and thinking "no that's shit, it's writing POISON" cos then you can maybe do the version you think is NOT shit, and that might work. 

Good luck, fellow travelers!!

[autolenaphilia]

So I do literally have my pronouns in bio. Now it should not be a requirement or anything. If you don't want to put your pronouns in bio, don't put them there, and I'm totally okay with that.

I didn't put pronouns in bio until my egg cracked because I was uncomfortable with the thought, turns out I was uncomfortable with gendering myself for a reason.

But if someone does put pronouns in bio, if they are easily accessible, I do think you have the responsibility to respect them. It feels like a fairly basic social media courtesy. To do otherwise is textbook misgendering.

Of course I presume here you are not a transphobe who thinks misgendering is okay or even obligatory (as some of them explicitly claim). If you are, fuck off, i'm not that interested in litigating my value as a human being or my status as a woman. My assumption here is that misgendering is bad and I don't particularly need to establish why.

Referring to someone by the wrong pronouns when said person has made their pronoun preference very clear, there is no other word for it but misgendering. In fact, misgendering someone with their pronouns in bio on social media is often less excusable than many accidental misgenderings in meatspace, because we often don't make our pronoun preferences that clear and obvious in meatspace.

it does take a few seconds to check the bio of a social media user, but being polite and courteous sometimes requires effort, which is not a blanket excuse to be rude. If it is too much effort to look it up before writing something about someone, then save all your effort and just don't write anything at all.

And using singular they/them about a specific person is misgendering, if said person has made their non-they/them preference clear, by for example putting their actual pronouns in their bio. You are not being "genderneutral", you are just misgendering and being rude.

This is a well known tactic of transphobic misgendering. Like if a writer wrote an article about Chelsea Manning and consistently they/themed her, the fact that said writer is a transmisogynist who is misgendering her wouldn't be in much dispute. They/them is often just the acceptable form of misgendering.

And also "dude/bro/man" are not genderneutral, I will barely dignify such nonsense with a response.

Being gendered correctly is not a privilege of the famous either. This applies even if the person in question is a random tumblr user and you are another random tumblr user writing about them. You should check their bio before writing about them. You should especially check if that person is likely going to read what you write, if it is a reply or tags to a post they made. It's not nice to get misgendering of you in your notifications. This feels like fairly basic courtesy on social media.

Failure to check is at best rude and impolite, and people have a right to object to being misgendered. And then ask for a correction and an apology. And really, all you have to say in such a situation, is something like "I'm sorry, I didn't check" and then maybe correct the misgendering post by editing it. Unless you are really committed to being able to misgender people without pushback, it's likely not the end of the world, and the person being misgendered will likely accept a sincere apology.

And this applies even if you don't like the person in question, if you are writing something that disagrees with their take. Being gendered correctly is not something that you have to earn, it's not a privilege for good behavior, of having the correct takes, of never making a mistake. And it can't be taken away for perceived and real transgressions. It is still unacceptable to misgender an unpleasant person.

Pronouns in a social media bio are not there for a person's friends, it's there so that random strangers interacting with a person's account will hopefully read them and gender the person correctly. The pronouns are there for you to read and respect.

(before anyone tries to be clever on the reading incomprehension website, , I'm using a generic singular they/them in most of these sentences. If you are talking about a specific person, who uses she/her or he/him or any pronouns that aren't they/them, it's msigendering to use they/them for them)

[eye-in-hand]

Why I'm Converting to Judaism

I've posted this onto tumblr before on an old blog of mine, fuck if I remember what it was called but lmfao I'm sure some people have seen this before.

There are a lot of reasons why I'm converting to Judaism, but what I talk about in this is a large part of it, and a large part of a lot of healing I've had to do. Getting involved in the Jewish community (at the point of writing this, I had a bit, but was still too scared and admittedly triggered from past events I talk about in this to do so) has been really healing for me, and has made me feel validated and less alone in my experiences. And that's something I can never show enough thanks for.

Also at the time of writing this I didn't have my driver's license yet, but I do now, and that's helped with actually being able to be in a physical Jewish space so that's been nice.

Because it involves (CW:) violent antisemitism and rape, I'll put it under the cut. This was written partly around June/July 2023 and then a couple days after 10/7.

For the last few years I've been seriously considering and researching into converting to Judaism. It's been a little difficult because I live in the middle of fucking nowhere northern Midwest and the closest Jewish community to me is small and an hour away (and I can not drive), but I've been talking with their rabbi for the past few years. Admittedly on and off because I've been ahhhh terrified lmfao for many different reasons (mainly it brings up trauma I've dealt with that I get into that below) but recent events have... really made it clear where I want to stand in this world, and who my heart yearns for the most.

Some back story:

There's a lot that has happened to me growing up involving the idea of Jewish Identity, who is and isn't Jewish—but there are a few major events that really stick out in my mind. The majority of my years in High School, I would often (and I mean, this happened regularly) be asked if I was Jewish, or told "you look Jewish" unsolicited, or asked "why do you [act Jewish]?" I have dark, curly hair, and other "typical Jewish features", or so I'm told. I had no idea if I was Jewish (ethnically anyways, I knew I wasn't religiously), and growing up as an undiagnosed autistic, I had no idea how to respond to these kinds of questions, or what to do about figuring that out, I had no fucking idea about anything. I don't even think I really understood what being Jewish meant. And when enough people ask you if you're X thing, you start to wonder if you are.

When asked, I had two answers: "I don't know, actually," or "why?" I never understood why it was only the Jewish kids being asked this, why was the question always "are you Jewish?" I never seemed to see other ethnicities being questioned (bare the biracial kids, they got asked this a lot too) and I went to a very diverse inner-city school. I knew Jewish kids and they were always asked and bothered the same way I was, sometimes at the same time. I showed interest in learning about Jewish culture and would talk about it at school, etc. Maybe these answers were the wrong ones. I'm autistic, I have no idea. Maybe I should have just said "no, I'm not." but my response was "I don't know, let me look into that," or "Why? Does it matter?" Because I genuinely meant those words.

To keep this short, I was bullied in school for "being Jewish", "looking Jewish", especially as if my dark, curly hair and nose were ugly and weird traits to either mock or touch without asking. Traits I tried to hide my whole life until recently as an adult I learned to appreciate them. I remember a specific incident where my 'best friend' was in a group project with other classmates and as the class was working on them, she came all the way across the room to me, and asked, "are you Jewish?" and I said, "why?"

"Oh because you look like a Greek Jew." Whatever that means.

All I responded with was a forced laugh and "does it matter if I was? Why is the question always about being Jewish?"

She went back to her group and for the rest of the class I was stared and laughed at. Very weird. Autism brain does not understand what is so fucking funny about it. There was another incident with her, or regularly honestly, and this group of people who would compare me to characters from media based on negative Jewish stereotypes and apparently it was just hilarious.

I always had to deal with holocaust jokes, Jew jokes, expected to laugh and go with it because it was just a crack at my appearance.

After high school, I moved towns, and — to keep this short and not too personal. I met a guy who took me in while I was vulnerable. Just became homeless, had no friends or places to go in a completely new town. Turns out, he's a neo-nazi, and I mean that literally. Not in the just a bigot oh he's a nazi, like — he was a proud "Odinist" body builder fuck head who was very proud of being Icelandic and German. The topic of Jewish people was one he brought up a lot, especially towards me. He asked me that same question, and I told him, "I don't know. I get asked that a lot."

I told him I was interested in celebrating Jewish holidays to learn more about Judaism. I'm angry at myself because I was barely 18, undiagnosed autistic, and he was much older than me, a local of the town and who I was depending on for a place to stay, for food. I barely knew what a pagan was, let alone what covert supremacy looked like.

I'm not exaggerating that this all still makes me shake, typing this is hard. I feel sick. He isolated me, kept me in his basement, "joked" about keeping "a Jew in his basement" and how "funny it would be to make that a dead Jew." He sexually abused me, beat me, choked and shook me, called me slurs, he'd talk on the phone when he thought I was asleep to his white supremacist friends about the "Jewish whore" he had. He wouldn't let me get a job, encouraged me to "act Jewish" in a fetishizing way. Told "edgy" jokes over, and over, and over and expected me to laugh with everything. It was all just a joke why are you upset it's funny, what's wrong with you, why are you such a bitch?

Later, when I got away from him (and homeless again in the process) I was in online "spiritual communities" and showed a picture of my face. I didn't realize how much the New Age community hates Jews and I was called a lot of things, especially when I told them that Jews aren't an alien race here to take over the world, or that hating Jewish people doesn't make you a fucking spiritually awakened guru. I was harassed in public for "being a Zionist (edit: yes, even in 2017)" even though I had never even mentioned an opinion on Israel, I never claimed to be Jewish, it was just assumed. My (platonic) partner's mother cried because "my daughter is running off w that k*** boy." I never told her I was Jewish, and neither did my partner. She saw me on Skype once. (Edit: My boyfriend's family are from Russia/Georgia and he's terrified to be seen with me near them and despite being interested in Judaism himself he's scared to go to the synagogue with me because of the possibility of them finding out. (Some of the fear is also because we're gay, but I'm well aware that it'd be even worse if they knew it was gay jews. And he's not scared for himself, he's scared for me.)

I got a DNA test a few years ago. I'm not Jewish. I don't know what happened to me. I don't understand this. Is this valid pain towards an identity I can't even claim? What do I even do with this? I wish I could talk to a Rabbi but I can't tell if I'm overstepping a boundary. A Rabbi's job is for the Jewish Community, they don't have time to hear my sob story about the antisemitism a Gentile faced. I can't just show up to the Jewish community and say "I get your struggles" because I don't. But I feel so alone.

I've stepped in and out of conversion, confused and unsure of who I am or who I want to be, what I believe, and how others see me. Angry at myself for how I handled these questions. Angry at myself for appropriating a struggle that isn't even mine to be struggling with. I'm so sorry.

When converting doesn't scare me, I just want to convert so that maybe the idea of being Jewish can be more than pain to me, and instead be something empowering. But I don't know anything right now or where I should go.

About a month or so ago, a couple coworkers of my partner started harassing us about me being Jewish, and I had directly told them multiple times, that I am not Jewish. I had even dropped the idea of converting because I was too scared of all this past hurt and didn't want to be alone to deal with it anymore, and too scared to talk to the Rabbi for fear of bothering him. But they threatened me, the only place I felt safe to hang out was around my partner's work and that place is no longer safe for me because of these people. I don't know them, and I don't want to know what they're capable of or rather who they know around here, because they're Qanon supporters of the men that tried to kidnap the governor and supporters of Jan 6, trumpy fucking dickheads. I live in a small, incredibly Christian town, I didn't fucking need this shit again.

It really triggered me because I didn't even have the excuse of "well it's my fault, I didn't say I wasn't Jewish" this time. I told them I wasn't but they think I'm hiding some "dark Jew secret" and I "cursed them" because their lives are going to shit.

Then all of this in Israel happened, and it hurt so much. That was the first weekend I had done Shabbat in a year or so, and for the first time it felt so right. It felt like what I should be doing. Then I logged back online, saw what had happened and for the Jewish community around the world it was one of pain. I called my Rabbi this past week after several months of silence on my end, and told him to let me know if there was anything I could do. He was glad to hear from me, and I'm sorry that I kept disappearing.

My point is, I'm converting because no matter what I say or tell people, this will always keep happening, I will never be safe and I don't want to face it alone, I want to hopefully connect with the community (daunting because ahh I'm autistic so I am. Not good at connecting with other people very well), do what I can. I had read about Jewishness being "sharing the fate of the Jewish people" and I believe that I do, it's been proven time and time again no matter what I say or do.

Anyways that's what's been on my mind. I hope this doesn't come off trying to make this tragedy about me, I'm not good at tone and I'm sorry. I'm bringing this up now because this really... marks the time for me to take this seriously, and I never want to shut the door on this again. I need to be there for the Jewish people in times like this because I've felt what that feels like, even if I don't really understand why.

[peijizerojournal]

2024/5/24 ❅ “honeymoon” and “the lin kuei archives” update

Let me preface this update by emphasizing that this is just an example and explanation of why I have chosen to not allow the internet to see my Mortal Kombat 1 works anymore. I have no intent to instigate any drama or anything of that nature. I'm just getting some things off my chest here, and then I will likely never write a post about this again.

Thanks to another “Lin Kuei Archives” reader, I’ve been informed of another 'questionable' post that mimicks my original work. I will not be linking it or mentioning the name of the tumblr account, but for those who regularly browse the ‘Bi-Han’ or the 'bi han x reader' tags, you will have likely seen it already as it was posted in the last couple of days.

In short, the post reads as an almost complete, ordered summarization of “The Lin Kuei Archives: Sub-Zero” (part 1 of TLKA series) which I completed in November 2023. From beginning to end. Even the epilogue. Even the little things. The only real differences being Reader herself and a few other things. But, essentially — in so many words — it is the bullet point version of my story down to even the most minute details. It is not the first time I come across something like this, and I'm usually one to brush it off, however this time it's gotten under my skin a bit more than expected.

For the readers that have been wondering about the issues I've been facing in the last several months, or if there even has been an issue in the first place: well, in short, it’s cases like this that have been particularly tiresome.

Oneshots, headcanons and stylized ficlets that have been structurally twisted with a few changes here and there are often hard to find and are sometimes buried in the tags. These are almost impossible to deal with since they are inherently different in terms of formatting, but if you are familiar with my story and read part one especially, you’ll be able to recognize it right away, as the reader who notified me of it was able to. From things such as Bi-Han’s reluctant hospitality towards our dear reader (who also happens to be staying with the Lin Kuei at the request of Liu Kang, hmm) to specifics like 'brunch in the gardens.'

(These are the only references to the post that I'll make. I really don't want to give the poster any more of my attention.)

Unfortunately, it is always Part 1 that is making its rounds, as during its tenure, it reached quite a broad audience of viewership. I also left it unlocked and open for all eyes to see for quite sometime; having only restricted it on AO3 sometime in March 2024 before hiding it just last month on the 16th (when I posted the original series update.)

I know that there is a reasonable amount of risk that must be considered with sharing your work on the web so openly like this, but let this be an example for anyone out there who wants to post their work to AO3 and Tumblr, especially: Not all who are subscribed to your fic have the best intentions. And -- on the other end of the spectrum -- your work may and likely will influence others’ creations, and you’ll have to come to terms with that or at least accept it/be okay with it. Once even a few eyeballs have glazed over it, that’s that, really. Your work will be out there for the taking, and, to some extent, you’ll lose creative control over it.

I have come across other authors and fics that have taken inspiration from my own and some have given credit while others have put enough of their own spin on it to the point where the similarities are irrelevant. I am not naive: I know perfectly well that it’s possible for two individuals to have shared ideas and similar plotlines, even eerily so. Coincidences happen. That's life.

But stuff like this, in my eyes, is too adjacent to go unnoticed. When it’s condensed like this with a smattering of very specific details interwoven within, it makes it hard for me to defend myself, as I would basically have to screenshot or repost or publicize my entire fic again. And — knowing that there are a few people out there who have routinely tried to circulate my work on other websites — I am simply too terrified to do that, as I know “Honeymoon” and the other parts might instantly be downloaded the moment I choose to make them public again.

(Further info on this: when you privatize your work in an AO3 collection, as I have, the moment I list it as ‘revealed,’ all who are subscribed to me or my fic will receive email notifications that there’s an update, even if there is no new chapter. I hope that makes sense. For anyone who wants/needs to privatize their work on AO3 for whatever reason, this blog post does a great job explaining the process.)

Maybe I’m too old-school or sensitive or paranoid for modern fandom culture… but to that one anon that told me “this happens, too bad:” well, it’s this sort of thing that makes me want to protect “Honeymoon” and prevent the entire series from seeing the light of day ever again. As of right now, it will likely stay hidden on AO3 indefinitely. I have never cross-posted and do not cross-post anywhere, so if anyone ever sees the entire fanfic anywhere at all, please reach out to me and let me know.

If you are a trusted reader/friend/mutual of mine, chances are you already have access to the story and that’s all that matters to me. 🩵 And if you were a regular reader-commenter, I appreciate you so much and thank you deeply for your engagement, insight and support over the last several months. 🤍 Thanks for reading and I hope all have been having a lovely spring season so far. xo

[vroombeams]

FIC WRITER INTERVIEW

tagged on main by @boonbeenblade i hope you don't mind if i answer over here where i'm more active 💖

How many works do you have on AO3?

21!

What's your total AO3 word count?

72,196

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

like you do (1,011)

delicate topographies (666) (nice)

hot in it (637)

a place to rest your arms (478)

mile why club (408)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do! as often as i can i try to respond to comments because i really appreciate them all and it really really really keeps me going. but it's been a bit of a contentious thing lately i think in fandom at large, the way that there've been a few people saying that they straight up won't comment if they see the author doesn't respond etc etc. for me personally i have pretty severe chronic fatigue and just a whole cornucopia of bad brain things that make it difficult sometimes to go through and drop what is essentially a copy-pasted thank you note in the replies to each comment. i'm not at all against responding and especially if there's a question or something to engage with it always makes me really happy to do so, but it does push into burnout territory faster. so usually i'll just write more fic and hope that that's enough!

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

free for all or decathect probably! actually intermediate was pretty bad too in that capacity. forgot about that one. but i mean most of those also are semi-ambiguous i guess, like it's sad and continues to be sad and it may or may not continue to be sad after? but yes those three. if the bloodborne au ever gets finished that will ~snatch the crown~ tho. also i was filling this out before i finished kinktober and probably the cnc fic is pretty up there now

What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

like you do? a place to rest your arms? the happy they're-going-to-get-together endings i guess?? for me also i would personally put rear 32 in this category. to me it's like, there's a sweet-warm-good vibe to the end of it and in my head and i guess sometimes on tumblr there is some extremely warm aftercare that follows that makes Me, Personally, very happy

Do you write crossovers?

liiiike. i guess you could qualify a really distinctive au as a crossover if you really wanted to. the crime au could be considered a gta crossover. paleblood is, you know, bloodborne but with landoscar in it. but i guess to me a true crossover would involve characters meeting other characters from that other universe??? and the answer to if i've written those is also yes, but not for f1 (yet)

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

oh yes in the dark days of ffnet there was a great deal of flaming all the time, the etiquette wasn't quite what it is today lmaO. to be fair i deserved a lot of the hate i got. i sucked pretty bad. and then a couple of fandoms ago i got a pretty cruel guest comment on a fic that i ended up deleting, but that's a whole other story lol

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

gestures vaguely at the kinktober archive

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i'm aware of! i don't think i'm big enough to have been stolen from. but one can always hope (jk)

Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes!! someone in a previous video game fandom i was in translated one of my fics to mandarin. very cool!!!

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

yesss a few times! all in previous fandoms. there were a couple of people i used to write with pretty regularly in that way, like popping a bunch of junk in a doc and then letting each other run wild and smoothing out the rough edges at the end. super rewarding and super fun and a really interesting exercise in making different styles flow together

What's your all-time favorite ship?

all-time is a rough one to answer LOL. in f1, currently, probably jondo. as far as ships that i still will actively go back to and enjoy just as much... maybe adam/ronan (raven cycle) or altair/malik (assassin's creed)? zack/cloud from ff7 lives within me also. and will till i die

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

the water takes it back for sure. between that one and i guess the long-distance relationship landoscar fic. i like them both a lot conceptually but they're both pretty raw to write, like, achy in ways that feel too personal maybe? i'll probably continue to pick at them but i don't know if i could ever finish/post them just because they are a Lot in a Lot Of Ways. then again i'm also in a bit of space rn so. ask me again in a few weeks

What are your writing strengths?

maybe knowing what i want from a piece? like the goal of a thing or the vibe i want to achieve. but also sometimes i do just be flinging myself into a doc and hoping something happens so it's maybe not that specific lmaO. but yeah, i guess the vision is a strength, when i do have a vision it's usually a pretty strong and solid one!

What are your writing weaknesses?

dialogue the beloathed! i hate it i always feel like it comes out clunky and makes the rest of the piece clunky by extension

also getting caught up in like. a lot of minute details and plot threads? this is obviously not an issue in all of the stuff i've been posting for the last month because. duh. but in larger projects i definitely find myself creating too many threads or not tying off threads correctly or not having enough threads, god forbid. this is of course why there's no multichap posted on this account lol. it's something that i'm specifically working on right now! trying to be better at you know... organization and clarity? by the end of november we will know if i've achieved that lol

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

oh interesting question. i don't think it's like... super necessary? to include? like unless a pov character has some familiarity with a second language that they don't actively speak, i don't think there's a ton of reason to write out like idk a whole bit of dialogue in french or italian or whatever. mainly because if you don't speak a language At All you're likely not going to be catching complete sentences/words anyway, so taking the pov character into consideration is important for this?? as far as a bi-or-morelingual character goes, i think doing a dialogue tag in english and saying 'they said, in (language)' after makes more sense from a reading perspective. if that makes sense. that's just my personal take on it!

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

yugioh lol. way back on ffnet. i think my first ao3 fandom was... mmm. we will just say [redacted] bandom i guess

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

ohhh. like is it a cop-out to say indycar because i'd love to mess about with some pato ships in the near future??

What's your favorite fic you've written?

rude question to end on THANKS

i don't know man. as it stands everything i've posted isn't like a favourite?? anymore?? my go-to answer has always been free for all or pouffe. but there are a couple of the kinktober fills that i'm really really fond of now like the oscarmark breeding kink? the oscarmark cnc is like also important to me in a lot of ways. i think i'm also in the post kinktober headspace where i want to tear everything i've ever done to absolute pieces and then maybe set it on fire??? anyway yeah those ones 😭 otherwise probably there's stuff in my docs that i've not posted that i prefer but that's neither here nor there atp

i know this one is fuckin huge so extremely no pressure tagging @glasscushion @freeuselandonorris @monacotrophywife @piastriachios @bright-and-burning to at your leisure if at all 💖

[thedragonagebigbang]

Bang Creator Interview: Tumblr: @blarrghe  |  [AO3: blarghe

The Collaboration period has begun! In these quiet months before works are due, we want to foster a sense of excitement, camaraderie, and celebration among our participants. To that end, all participants were given the option of a formal interview by our mod, Dema, or an informal “ask-game” survey. We hope you enjoy getting to know our phenomenal creators as much as we have!

Tortured Man More Tortured by Having To Endure the Best Week of His Life

Blarghe and Dema talk art imitating life writing, romantic foils, and the Platonic Ideal Dorianmance 

Dema: I'd love to begin in OC land with you. As someone who is both an artist and a writer, do you find that making art of your OCs informs your process? Or are those pretty separate for you?

Blarghe: Hmm. That's a good question.

Dema: Why, thank you!

Blarghe: My feeling has always been that I'm a better writer than I am an artist, so maybe the writing informs the art, more. I am always getting very visual ideas, like maybe some comic-panel type storyboards in the brain, and I can't really illustrate that to the degree that I want, so it can be like it is in my head. But I can more easily make words do that.

I'd very much like to do some illustrations for my own stuff, and I love drawing my OC and some things have helped in the other way, like designing his vallaslin on paper did give me something better to describe from in writing. I'd really love to reach the point of being able to do a few comics. There are a few scenes I really see that way. I try to be quite visual in my writing in the meantime I guess, haha.

Dema: That makes sense! I have the same dream. Comics are very intimidating. So it sounds like you write your OCs before you draw them?

Blarghe: Yeah, generally. I think since we're going from a video game and I already have seen the characters that way, there's that. Though I have OCs I have not made in the character creator. I haven't invented a ton of non-canon side characters but there are a few. I think I can picture them pretty well. I wind up drawing them after falling in love with them through writing them, rather than like, designing a character visually/on paper/in the cc before putting them in a story. Honestly, I put down DA:I for a looong time while still writing da:i-inspired fic with my OC and other canon characters. So I guess I don't have to look at him that often.

Dema: I have asked several of our writers if they make all their OCs in the CC, and if that's step 1. I'm curious, too, at what point you knew you were going to make fan content of your OC and participate in fandom. Did you finish the game first? Did you come in with a foot already in the fandom?

Blarghe: Ok long answer: I was into the games first. I started playing in maybe 2015, shortly after Inquisition came out. My partner already liked the games and was excited to play it, so I wound up watching some of that and being intrigued. But I started with Origins, loved it, and wound up loving and playing all three, all of them with more than one OC, to varying degrees of completion. When it comes to writing fic, I had ideas, like, little comics and some additional fill-in-the-gaps scenes written into notebooks and stuff for all three games. Mostly expanding on the personal relationships and romances, as you do. I'd done that kind of thing for other media I liked, but never really been in "fandom" about it for anything. I've always done creative writing and original fiction as a hobby and it was just a way of getting back into that on a personal level. I wrote the most after finishing DA:I for the second time... I kind of did a playthrough I wasn't super happy with, then made a new character specifically for a romance (Dorian's) then... wasn't super happy with that character either, THEN made Taren who is my current OC obsession, and wrote like 30K words of canon-divergence fic with a whole other OC companion inserted and just had fun with it. I forgot about that until 2020, when I found it in my docs and re-read it and decided it was actually pretty good and that I could maybe try to post online, find community, etc. I've since completely scrapped and deleted that fic from AO3, but getting out there got me into doing writing prompts and writing other stories, and now here I am. (I still haven't actually finished my Taren playthrough. I will before Veilguard lol) I was definitely motivated by COVID, thought I might go insane without community, so I picked a couple things I was already into (writing and dragon age) and went looking.

Dema: I'm guessing most of the art and writing you've done for DA has been DA:I?

Blarghe: Most, yeah. If only because my long fic is a DA:I inspired modern-au. Honestly it's fairly divorced from canon lol. Most of my canon writing is for DA:O actually. And I'm obsessed with Taren, I've drawn him more than anyone ever. He is very pretty, you see.

Dema: He is very, very pretty. Is DA:O your favorite game in the franchise? Everyone hates this question but I GOTTA KNOW hahaha!

Blarghe: Yeah it is! I love them all for different aspects, but it's got that first-game start of the obsession nostalgia. I also love a finicky, strategy-heavy RPG so to me the usual combat complaints aren't really a thing. I like the pause-every-two-seconds combat hahaha. I do really love running around through the scenery in Inquisition though, and I like the characters, and the fun flashy rogue stabbing too. But I have a soft spot for Origins for really gripping you into that story and world. It's a great balance of silly and funny and dark and difficult choices.

Dema: I haven't asked anyone else this yet, but are you finding the Veilguard announcements and previews are refreshing the inspiration? Or are you avoiding all spoilers and pretending it does not exist until the release? Or some secret, third thing…

Blarghe: Somewhere in between. I've been here the whole time lol, I don't know that it hyped me up any more, but it's nice to finally have news. And I'm excited that it will mean new people in the fandom and a resurgence that way. I am not totally avoiding spoilers but still kinda keeping my distance for my own sanity. I'll definitely lock down the spoiler tags once it's actually out.

Dema: So valid. I am feeling very inspired, myself, but I think it may be more the energy of the fandom around me reaching such a fever pitch. We're like a flock of ducks getting a whole loaf of bread after years of crumbs. 

Blarghe: So true haha. I am really excited about how it looks. Can't wait to play it!

Dema: Same! Returning to Taren a bit because, well, he's pretty: you said you went through a few iterations of OCs for a Dorian romance before him, and then were hooked. What is it about Taren that makes him a favorite? Was there a particular inspiration for him?

Blarghe: Oh boy. Not a specific inspiration. I played DA:I three times, counting the Taren one that I'm not technically finished, and the first I completely missed any romance (thought I could get Harding until it was too late) but I loved Dorian's character and his personal arc hit so hard that I immediately made a new character just for him. He was like a sassy Trevelyan who didn't really wanna be there, trying to pull kind of a rogueish charming sarcastic irresponsible pretty boy to hang with Dorian but I really didn't like how that clicked. I know it's a pretty common character archetype esp in a Dorian romance to do sassy x sassy so no hate but I found the Inquisition storyline and dialogue options just wouldn't let me be that irresponsible and funny, which makes sense. I really liked the themes of how the game pushes you into this impossible role where the only thing you can do is become a big responsible hero figure. I'm sure there's a compelling story there for the kind of character I'm talking about, but since mine fell so flat to me I decided to lean the complete opposite way. And Dorian inspired it too. The more I played and considered it the more I felt like I wanted him to have kind of a counterweight romance, you know. Opposites attract kind of thing. So Taren started as this very responsible, serious character who has always been prepared for leadership, being a First, and takes all that really seriously. He's also very Dalish and has reason to distrust and argue with him, which is great for Drama, but very very sweet and genuine and wholesome, which is so fun to contrast with all Dorian's trust issues. Dorian's quite emotional and idealistic, really, so they match in that way and it's very romantic. Taren's also a bit aspirational. Part of why I like Dorian so much is that I relate to him a lot, and I was struggling with trying to become less arrogant and more genuine, so Taren embodies a lot of that for me. Part of what makes him my favourite is probably the blank-slate of it all, too. Not having the Origin and getting to make stuff up. The whole romance plot is really compelling. I stuck him in some AUs and got carried away by worldbuilding, too. And after so much time spent with him he's just the fave now. But yeah, he's not my usual archetype. I think I've made a lot more sarcastic rogues than genuine sweethearts. He has like, anxiety and trust issues and I keep throwing him in situations to give him Trauma, but that sort of, happy, sweet, genuine, and healer-class character was all new ground to me and I wound up just loving the different-ness and challenge of it.

Dema: I did want to tell you that your "This is a story about trauma and relationships and socioeconomics and questioning belief and searching for balance. It's also about finding your soulmate on grindr" summary absolutely sent me.

Blarghe: Thank you, I'm very proud of that.

Dema: Speaking of which, can you come up with a clickbait title for your bang fic?

Blarghe: Something like Tortured Man More Tortured by Having To Endure the Best Week of His Life [[REDACTED]] you can cut that last part because it does make it obvious.

Dema: A+. Thank you for the lovely interview, it's been a treat chatting!

Blarghe: Thanks! It was very fun.

[zepskies]

Writer Tag

Thank you so much for tagging me @venus-haze! As always, your responses on this were really interesting and got me thinking about my answers. (Here's the original post.)

So these first questions are geared toward Ao3 stories.

How many works do you have on AO3? 48 and counting.

What's your total AO3 word count? Aw geez. According to the statistics page, 1,022,400.

(But I have more fics listed in Tumblr thanks to headcanons and things not yet posted in Ao3.)

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Every Loyalty - (Jon Snow x OC)

And So It Goes - (Butcher x OC)

Never Say Goodbye - (Dean Winchester x Reader)

Break Me Down - (OC Version | Soldier Boy x OC)

Checkerboard - (Soldier Boy x Reader)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Yes! Always. I love getting feedback and engaging with the people who take the time to read my work. 💜

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending? Ooh, it's gotta be this imagine in SPN fandom: "Sam crosses the line." In which he's in love with Dean's girlfriend.

(Sequel to "You are Dean's one exception.")

What the fic you've written with the happiest ending? Well, most of my stories have happy endings. But probably Never Say Goodbye (Dean W. x Reader). It's a soulmate AU, so very rom-com and fluffy, despite all the drama they went through.

Though I could also say the same of the last story in the Midnight Espresso-verse: In Bad Weather.

Do you write crossovers? No, I don't. I've enjoyed reading a few though.

Have you ever received hate on a fic? Yes, unfortunately lol. It's inevitable for as long as I've been writing though.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind? Oh yes lol. I'm a romantic though, so it's often a mix of fluff, straight up romance, occasionally dashed with angst and/or hurt/comfort.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not to my knowledge. (I hope not!)

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope, but I've received solicitations lol.

Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yeah, when I was a teenager just starting out writing, I used to write with one of my best friends growing up. (We're still good friends to this day.)

What's your all-time favorite ship? That's pretty much impossible. 🤣 It depends on the fandom! Nowadays I tend to write for OCs or reader inserts though.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will? Ooof, nothing recent. But I finally finished And So It Goes, which took me 3 years for some reason. 🙃

Though I do have both a Jason Teague x OC series and a Smallville Clark Kent x OC series outlined that realistically, I probably won't get to. 💔

What are your writing strengths? I've been told I'm good at dialogue and keeping canon characters in character, which is always amazing to hear! I try my best.

What are your writing weaknesses? Action scenes and smut scenes are my biggest writing challenges, though I've been told I do a decent job at them. I know I tend to use adverbs a lot lol (I'm trying to curb that).

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? So I try to minimize use of this, but, I've gotten critiqued (putting it mildly) on this before for two reasons. Admittedly, I've had to revise myself in certain use cases, but also, there are slang words and phrases in certain Spanish cultures that wouldn't make sense to another Hispanic/Latino culture that doesn't use the word/phrase. So sometimes, it's not that it's wrong grammatically, but that it's slang.

What was the first fandom you wrote for? Oh jeezus, probably Chronicles of Narnia fandom when I was like, 10 and brand new to writing. 😂

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to? Ooh a tough one. I feel like there are so many! I do have a story I had outline years ago now for Steve Rogers/Captain America back in the MCU fandom (which I've written in before). But that fandom is a bit intimidating. 😂

What's your favorite fic you've written? Also really tough for me. I think it's a tie between two series:

Break Me Down (Soldier Boy x Reader)

Midnight Espresso (Dean W. x Plus-Sized Latina!Reader)

One totally took me by surprise by how much I enjoyed writing the series and the characters (and figuring out how to write Soldier Boy/Ben 😂).

While the other allowed me to be a little more indulgent with myself, writing from my personal experience and my culture.

The responses on both stories have been amazing and incredibly heartwarming. 💗

No pressure tags:

@thatonewriter15 @waywardxwords @impala-dreamer @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior @deanwritings @deanwinchesterswitch @deanbrainrotwritings @kaleldobrev -- and whoever else wants to join! 💜

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

hi, im a mutual of yours who is too shy/on&off tumblr to interact, but i do look up to you; and your blog and way of seeing things helped me in the past when i was struggling quite a bit.

Lately I feel as if im lost in life, lost my passions and floating aimlessly without a real goal, detached from the future etc. Do you have any advice? I appreciate ur view on things, hope this isnt overstepping 🌦🌈

hi its ok no pressure too interact w me ona personal level just cus were mutuals i enjoy the ambient bonds that can form on this website its why i stay ^^ and no it's not overstepping at a;ll sorry it took me a lil while to respond i was trying to think of good advice since i often feel lost too---

well firs t n foremost to give credit where credit is due, this bjork reddit AMA response really gets to the bottom of it , ever since i first read this here on tumbr a few years ago it really rly stuck w me:

the way this answer helped me is like, it helped me realize i dont need to be so regimented i dont need to put all this pressure on myself to create..All that does is feed into self inflicted guilt when i cant live up to my own expectations u.u you see for my whole life i've never been able to plan anything. yes i can think about the next steps i want to take, i can assemble a plan, i can see the logical way forward, but my moods. or like, idek. how to explain..

i cant force anything. if im not feeling it, i cant force it. ive STRUGGLED w this like i dont wanna be this way. because my feelings i cant predict. like for example i worked on music all winter because thats what i was feeling. then suddenly in march i just like, wasnt feeling it all of a sudden. As soon as it hit me i was like Fy767*T&UG*** because i didnt know when it was gonna come back. i still dont know!! im just trying to be patient waiting it out..in the mean time i have suddenly become enthused with drawing again after not ~feeling~ drawing for most of 2023. sometimes i go for weeks where i dont take a single photo and then suddenly it starts flowing again.. my website was also left untouched for most of 2023 until recently.

thats just one example of this repeating pattern in my life that i didnt understand for so long. theres years of my 20s where i couldnt feel passion for anything at all, looking back now i believe those times i was meant to be focusing on stuff in my psyche that needed healing to clear out some headspace for art. and this bjork quote put a lot into perspective it showed me how to reformulate my thinking to be more accomodating to my disposition. when i'm patient & kind w myself, take each day as it comes, let go of the imaginary pressure, let go of "the future", stuff starts to come thru easier.

and maube its gonna show up in ways you dont expect but its true that the mundane world offers so many ways to practice being creative & giving u stuff to weave into the art u want to create.. every water fall starts w a single drop its trueits true :] thats my advice i spose i really didnt meant to write this much but im boooored.. actually my nighttime boredom writing is one of those habits i never considered to b creative until very recently. there's so many small & automatic things we do that can lead to a meaningful life & purpose.

thanks for the question anon i hope this helps in some way , this is whats helped me but everyone's process is different. and i still have moments where im like WTFFF is happening but its easier to ride it out now. i wish the same for you just give it time <3 thanks again xPmd9

[alienaiver]

Behind the scenes

the lovely @dira333 tagged me in this and its sooo fun!! the questions are so amazing and id like to give it my best with some in depth answers, since learning these facts about one of my favorite writers here was so fun !!!!! behind the scenes of writing is so good to share!!

Started writing: i think ive always been writing. i remember when we used to have one computer for the entire family in the early 00's and had little screentime, i set alarms to 4-5am (with no concept of what that Would Do To Me emotionally without sleep LMAO) JUST to get some time to write in peace. my first fanfictions i published was on a homemade forum page with a friend when i was 11!

Started blogging: ive had my tumblr since 2009-ish where ive been a rp'er over multiple times and published d gray man and no. 6 fanfictions in 2011-12ish. i was also active on livejournal before i found fanfiction.net !! but this specific blog was made in may 2021!!! the reader inserts came then :3

Followers: i actually JUST hit 300 two days ago!!! which is very exciting. i dont always look at the number, since it doesnt necessarily correlate with engangement, but its fun to see the uptick!!

Communication: i genuinely love love LOVE the social part of social media, and communications so important to me. theres nothing better than reblogs with comments you can bounce off of, asks, dm's and all that! sadly, my disability makes it so hard for me to have continuous contact and im 90% of the time the one to drop the ball when it comes to replying :(( thats why its extra important to me/special with the mutuals who keeps reaching out and dont have the same social expectations about replying. even if im unable to reply the day that i receive the message, it still brings great joy seeing the notif!

Likes: i dont mind them! generally its not that important to me whether or not my followers interact a lot. a like still means the world to me. of course a reblog is much better and engages so much more (+ boosts me!!), but theyre good for my soul, too!

Requests: i get very few requests :( i think i like them, but i havent gotten enough to actually get a feel on whether or not it kills my writing spirit? generally i get very excited to be able to deliver something and it gets me up from the bed to write, but i sometimes fear im not providing what they wanted! its anxiety-inducing in some ways, but i love a good little writing challenge !!

Writing: i loove love love love writing for hours at a time, hyperfixating on it. sadly, my cat snøfle is Very Jealous of both my laptop and pc. giving him a substitution sadly doesnt help</3 so my writing is often limited to specific times of day, and when he gets tired of my keyboard clack-clack-clacking, its time to put on some one piece while he naps on me! i wish i could write more works or just scenes on my phone, but it hurts my hands So Much, so i only write small one shots when im heavily inspired but snøfles in A Mood!!

genre wise im a fluffy type. maybe some hurt/comfort but always leaning towards comfort. id like to write more disability fics to spread both awareness and visibility, but i sometimes struggle with putting in my own disabilities and not make them too personal or too detailed for others to not relate. its an overthinking problem, so i often procrastinate writing them., bcos i fear itll be too niche! but i always get positive feedback (excpet for that one time with inked coffee lmao) so im not sure whats holding me back!!!

i always listen to music when i write, and it differs a lot. when i wrote the star and the earth i listened to a lot of medieval-inspired music, and made a specific playlist for that. but when i write on my modern au's or canon compliant bnha/haikyuu, anything goes!

i love putting in 'boring' every day stuff into my fics, or small scenes that dont necessarily advance the plot but just gives a feel of the characters.

speaking of snøfle ^ i am no longer allowed to write for the evening.... so ill start some apothecary diaries and enjoy a cold soda on this hot and humid evening !!! mwuah mwuah if u read this far thank you, and i love you. i love all of you <3333

no pressure tags as always but would love to hear the answers and get to know u all! @cup-of-fluff @true-deru @mirandabarma @illuminiscentboba @tetsuskei @threadbaresweater @krystalgaia @petriquors @ktsumu @moonbeamwritings @ohtokki

[dogwooddiaries]

Writer's Tag Game

tagged by @strangethings-everywhere and @effervescentyellow thanks for the tag! <3

Rules: Answer some or all of the questions below. Tag your fellow writers. Enjoy!

Link to your masterlist: My tiny master list is here on ao3

Favorite and least favorite genres to write (angst/smut/fluff, etc): I have a hard time writing and not including at least a little angst, so I guess that's a favorite. Not sure about my least favorite; still figuring myself out. Maybe fluff?

Favorite characters to write for? well I only write Bobby and Don really :) I have an oc that I kind of adore for this newsies thing I'm trying, but it's been different/hard making an oc...

Which one of your works is your favorite? I'm so happy with finishing Undo Me and figuring out how to get to where I wanted to go. I had fun with my melodrama and angst and unoriginal use of light as a motif and the dash of chiasmus in the plot. I also really liked where I ended up with Sneaking Around because from concept to completion, it took a couple of hours and just came to me without a bunch of planning/drafting - so like the total opposite of Undo Me. These two favorites are also my lower kudos fics :')

Which one of your fics was hardest to write? Why? Undo Me was the biggest thing to wrestle with for sure. I knew where it was going but I didn't really know the route. It was very much a Flannery O'Connor experience of "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."

What is your favorite fanfic by someone else? in a show of rebellion to this singular question, I have written an essay. Like others said, fic after fic in this fandom is impressive. I love seeing the various styles, AUs, structures, etc. It's fun to see the creativity in the different works. I'll note a few much loved ones here but could never get to them all. Can You Tell I Have Been Revised by @arokel had me obsessed and in a chokehold with Don's journal and Bobby's choices when the ball was in his court. Let the Sea Roll High or Low by @kjxlll was an incredible piece of just being immersed in the time, place, and alllll the slow aching feelings. Everything felt so of the time, I recall this story in sepia tones. Kiss Me Tender by @shadowquill17 resides in my brain still, I think of it often. Stitch Me Up, Send Me Back Out to Dance by The_Hobbit_Ninja (sorry, don't know their tumblr!) was one of the very first I read in the fandom and god, I wish they still wrote for the fandom; so good. It always leads to you in my hometown by @borealopelta gutted me in the best awful way that I still feel a little unhealthy about. On the Border by @teaforarteza ate my brain, it was everything - angst, incredible smut, feelingsssss. Also, @seasidesandstarscapes 's constant new ideas and inspiration in their one shots always astounds me - if you haven't yet read their vampire au do it!! (trust me! I don't even do vampires!) @strangethings-everywhere 's WWII AU was an inspired idea to put Bobby and Don in that setting. I want to acknowledge @effervescentyellow and her as beautiful as you fic - it broke my heart while simultaneously stitching it back together. Finally, my darling and beloved The Cormorant by @sparrow-in-the-field is still in progress, but I adore it and have a probably dysfunctional obsessive relationship with it and I don't care. :D

Basically my summer vacation was made up of reading fanfic (and very occasionally writing it), can you tell?

Tags: If I mentioned you for something above OR you just want to jump in, please consider yourself tagged! <3

[thescrapwitch]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you @grey-gazania and @dreamingthroughthenoise for tagging me! Sorry for the very late reply!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3?

Currently, I have 63 works, though a few of them are on-going multichapter ones. If I narrowed it down to only complete fics, it would be 58. 

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count?

501,530 words!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently the Silmarillion has me in a chokehold and I am having SO MUCH FUN putting tragic elves into all sorts of situations. There’s a lot of free space and flexibility in its canon which is fun to play around in, and so many AU possibilities. Before that I wrote for Linked Universe/Legend of Zelda, which had a large cast of characters whose found family/friendship dynamics had me hooked. 

(we shall not speak of what I wrote during my Fanficion.net days, back when I was very small and very terrible at writing 😛)

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Looking at all my fics, my Linked Universe ones have the most: Rescue Mission, Malevolence, Bad Joke, Untitled Goose Fic, and Weatherworn Heart. 

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to! I adore comments and go back and reread them often, so I try to at least say thank you to people who’ve left one after reading my fics. 

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

This is a tough one! I have a few Hurt/No Comfort ones (all focusing on poor Maedhros). I’ll go with Despair Like Poison, in which I find a way to make the beginning of the Silmarillion EVEN WORSE. Its based on a Tumblr post I made (which I now can't find????), and I might continue it, once I figure out exactly how dark/angsty I want it to get!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Rest for the Weary and the Damned, the final fic in the main storyline for my Maglor is an Eldritch Horror series. After many problems, everyone gets to be together and live happily ever after, including everyone’s favorite eldritch monster.  

8. Do you get hate on fics?

No, but I don’t tend to write a lot of romance/ship-focused fics, so that could be why.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

No, not my thing to write. 

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Crossovers aren’t really my thing to write either. 

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have! It's always such an honor when someone asks if they can translate my fic. 

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, though I do get a lot of inspiration from comments and side-discussions. Untitled Goose Fic happened because of a Discord discussion, and Trial of Crablor Feanorion was written because of a commentor’s remark about animal trials.  

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

Silvergifting can be so much fun and so messed up and I love writing it. 

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

My poor Legend of Zelda 1920s AU fic is crying at me from the depths of my WIP pile. I am so sorry. One day, maybe, I will return to it, but I have so many other things that I want to write…

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue, story structure, and weird stuff. Eldritch monsters, sentient houses that speak to you in nightmares, crabs who were once elves, dreamy-not-entirely-sane narration; those I feel like I can do well. 

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Description! Specifically, description used to set up a place, to make the world around the characters feel more textured and real. I am trying to get better at it. 

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I have enough typos writing in English, I do not have the confidence to try and write in anything else. The Tolkien fandom has a lot of languages and I’m always in awe of the people who can include them so well into their work.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Megaman.EXE, way way back in the early days of Fanfiction.net, all of which has now been thankfully eaten by the internet. 

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I say it every time someone asks, but it has to be The Haunting of Imladris. That fic was a gift: it gave me a world to flesh out for my eldritch!Maglor series, it gave me confidence to write horror (which I’d never done before) and it gave me Lindir. I will always adore and be grateful to it.

Tagging: @camille-lachenille @thelordofgifs @searchingforserendipity25 @sallysavestheday @lordgrimwing @eilinelsghost @chthonion @gardensofthemoon and anyone else who wants to join in!

[non-bionical-mecha-dude]

Hello! I saw that your requests were open I think. . . Anywhizzle. I have asked this to a few people already but I wanna see what different people will think and write. Could you write a Rise tmnt x gn yokai reader where the reader is maybe a dragon or some reptile with scales but the readers scales are always itchy? How would the turtles treat that? Also it was my birthday on the 25th and a lot of my friends forgot that. It would be a nice present is all I'm saying. Idk if you did a request just like this or anything already but I'm bored so ima follow you now. Bye for now!

HI! I know it's been like, idk, a year since I did one of these?? I'm sorry, I forgot Tumblr existed! Also, I'm very very sorry that you're friends forgot! And I'm very sorry, but, HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY! Anyway, let's get this started! (I'm gonna assume since you didn't say, Headcannons, I'm sorry if you wanted a one shot. Also, this idea was creative and cool!

ROTTMNT BROS X REPTILE ! READER

❤️❤️Raph❤️❤️

He totally understands

At first when he saw you get super itchy, he thought you were itching cause you were nervous or something, but that ain't the case.

When he later figured out that your scales needed some sort of moisture, he bought like, 10 bottles of different kinds of lotion

Boy didn't want his lover to be all itchy and uncomfortable, but he didn't know what kind/brand was best

Constantly reminds you to moisturize your skin

He drags his fingers along your scales sometimes, which is kinda sooth tbh

Sometimes his skin gets uncomfortable and dry and itchy (since he's a more aquatic type turtle, his skin needs a lot of moisture) he'll borrow some of your lotion

One time you were itchy, and just started rolling on the carpet cause that was the only thing that was helping your itchiness...but Raph almost stepped on you and shrieked before he did

It was kinda funny, but ever since then, he's banned you from any carpet rolling.

Sometimes he boops his beak against your scales, everytime you ask why, he dodges the question

He knows exactly how many scales are on your body (not in like a creepy way, more like a "I find myself gazing at you so often that I've found myself unconsciously counting your scales.)

Would definitely let you use his shell spikes as a back scratcher.

💙💙Leo💙💙

This dude is super confused as to why you keep on violently scratching your scales

At some point, he just kinda starts scratching your back, like, you'll both be sitting on the couch on your phones, and he'll just put his hand on your back and scratches in small circles.

Eventually he learns about your whole skin thing, and he tries to set up a skin care routine for you

(you CANNOT tell me this fruity ass turtle doesn't have a skin care routine)

Man hooks you up with the best lotions and moisturizers

He reads to you each of the French brands of lotion he has, but he isn't pronouncing any of them right

Helps you put on the lotion in hard to reach places, like your back

He finds it excellent bonding time to talk about whatever while you both do your skin routine thing

He likes to tap your scales, feeling the texture of each of them.

You bought yourself a back scratcher and he immediately stole it

"Is that my back scratcher?" "Ok, in my defense, have you EVER, tried to scratch the back of a TURTLE SHELL??? YOU CANT REACH BACK THERE!"

Yeahhh, took you a while to get it back

You had to buy him his own

💜💜Donnie💜💜

He definitely understands

As a soft shell turtle who needs moisture on his shell from time to time, he can understand the uncomfortable-ness it comes with your skin/shell drying out

Has his own special moisturizer he uses for his shell, and most likely won't share

But he will recommend you a lotion to use

Sometimes he'll hold your arm in his hand, examining your scales

DEFINITELY FOR RESEARCH PURPOSES AND DEFINITELY NOT BECAUSE HE LOVES YOUR SCALES, ABSOLUTELY NOT (wink wink)

He has S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N remind you of your moisturizer

One time before he knew about your itchy skin, saw you almost scratch yourself to the bone and was very concerned

He definitely makes you some sort of mechanical back scratcher (that definitely doesn't have a flame thrower build into it, that would be crazy (wink wink))

He asks you a hundred questions when it comes to your scales, like, are they water proof? What kind of tissue/material is it made of and do you have to eat specific foods to get the nutrients to continue to take care of said scales, ECT ECT

He'll find himself sub consciously staring at your scales and denies anything if you catch him

Whenever you start to itch, he sometimes looks away, cause just seeing you itchy makes his shell feel itchy and it is not a good feeling.

🧡🧡Mikey🧡🧡

Is very very worried when he sees you scratch yourself so violently

At first he thinks you've got fleas or lice or something, but when he figures out your scales make you itchy, he totally understands

Dude tries to hook you up with some good lotion (the first time he accidentally almost gave you bacon grease and mistook it for lotion, it was kinda funny)

Sometimes when he's bored, he'll ask to paint on your scales using body paint (if your scales are very irritated)

He makes simple stuff on them, painting sunsets, gradients, sometimes little icons or patterns, whatever keeps him busy and happy

He'll scratch your back for you sometimes, and at first it was ok, until his arm started hurting from scratching you for so long (it was only five minutes) and he had to stop, still, the thought that counts.

Will go Doctor Delicate Touch on you if you refuse to use your lotion/moisturizer for whatever reason

Will run your scales on your arms if it makes you feel better

And sometimes he'll nuzzle his face on them.

He tries to count your scales while you try to count his spots (he gave up lol)

If you say you're itchy, he'll try to distract you by doing something with you, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

[justajsworkshop]

Thank you.

I'll keep this short but- I had taken a break for a few months. The entire states thing did not do me any good. When I came back, I read too much tumblr, twitter and reddit and now I'm confused on how to proceed.

I came across your blog yesterday and on skimming through a couple of your asks, you seem to not stick to the traditional rules and terminology which I truly appreciate. And I hope you can give me some advice.

-1) The lack of guidelines is making me feel kinda scared. One person tells that all there's left to do is decide, another tells that we have to 'know' it into being. Too much info has left me confused. I think I used feel safe when I knew I just had to do x, y and z and then I'll have what I want. How can I navigate through this? Everything feels kinda mixed up, if that makes sense

2)So, I read this-> https://www.tumblr.com/justajsworkshop/761700924577267712/im-the-anon-who-wanted-to-cry-this-is-silly-but?source=share

ask, because this was one of the questions I had. And the last sentence you wrote was-'manifesting is just choosing what that narrative is.' Do I choose and then...just leave it? I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose? And where does faith/knowing come into play in all this?

I'm sorry if I sent anything that violates your ask policy. I'll send another ask if it did. Thank you for your time and help❤️

mmm, okay. so, i'm going to address a few of the specific lines you said here, and i think one thing you'll find when getting "answers" from me is that i tend to veer toward posing more questions to you, but my intention is that the questions will help you source answers from yourself instead of an outside god.

i want to give you a quick heads up that this is egregiously long (even by my standards) with minimal proofreading, and it's also very direct. so i recommend reading at a time when you're not feeling super sensitive or precious about yourself. as i say with everything i write, take what resonates. leave what doesn't. trust yourself more than you trust me.

I think I used feel safe when I knew I just had to do x, y and z and then I'll have what I want. How can I navigate through this?

preface: i generally don't answer "how" questions, but this is an open enough one that you actually captured the essence of why i ask people not to start with the word "how." people often want me to tell them what to do, but you're asking how to understand something in a different way. just adding this note here for future reference for other folks.

i'll be direct here: you used to find safety in a step-by-step process because it was easier for you to trust a process instead of trusting yourself.

truthfully, if you want to continue perceiving yourself, reality, and manifestation that way, there's nothing inherently wrong with that. your experience is entirely subjective to your preferences and not what anyone else says.

that being said, the reason i personally caution against putting your faith in processes above all is that what happens when a process "doesn't work?" what happens when results start taking longer or something else happens? and you start spiraling because you believe the process failed you; therefore, you're doing it all wrong, and you spin a narrative that you must be missing something, blah blah blah. the cycle of eternal seeking starts all over again because what you're really seeking is yourself.

anytime you create an external god, they are bound to let you down. plain and simple. so, who is your faith and trust secure in? I AM.

I AM is the ultimate process. I AM is the method, the way, the how, and the shift. I AM is just your awareness of being. you're aware that you exist, right? you didn't have to follow any process or technique or learn anything to know you exist. you just know because you just are.

(i have tons of posts on your awareness, but the most useful ones are linked in my pinned post.)

i always edit descartes' famous "i think; therefore, i am" to be extra redundant for the sake of emphasis: i exist; therefore, i am. and this leads me into this question of yours:

Do I choose and then...just leave it? I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose?

we manifest who and what we are conscious of being. your narrative of being isn't just a one-time decision, although it is entirely possible to manifest by deciding once (i do it often). but i want you to pan out and look at the whole forrest and not just the trees.

who do you say you are?

if god were to look at you—to peer into your heart and mind—what's your attitude about yourself and life? what does god see in you? do you perceive yourself as someone who gets what they want? as someone who's capable? as someone who, even if they don't have all the answers now, can and will figure it out for themselves?

as i wrote in a post recently, if the term "states" isn't helpful for you, try attitude, as i find that it encompasses thoughts, feelings, and the perception of self in a way that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts.

i'm going to reflect back something you said to show you the kind of attitude i'm getting from you (in this small snippet; i know there's more to you than what you wrote here):

The entire states thing did not do me any good. When I came back, I read too much tumblr, twitter and reddit and now I'm confused on how to proceed. I AM someone who is always chasing the right answer. i want to know the right way to do things because i don't trust myself to be the way. i need someone or something outside of me to instruct me because see the process or someone else's word as a greater authority over my word. I AM confused. I AM not worthy of my trust.

god is looking at all that stuff in italics, and god loves and trusts you enough that it said, anything you ask for in my name (the name of I AM, i.e., it is your nature to identify yourself a certain way), it will be added onto you. no ifs, ands, or buts. you ask for it in the name of god, I AM that I AM, it's yours.

so, what does the person who says "I AM confused" and "I AM not worthy of my trust" manifest? an experience of seeking, confusion, overwhelm, and doubt.

I dont react to anything that contradicts what I chose?

you can be non-reactive, but also you don't have to gaslight yourself into unhealthy emotional places. it's not about not reacting; it's about seeing the greater picture. person A says "I AM confused" and treats that as the end. they're literally... living in the end of being confused, and guess what they manifest. person B says, "I AM confused, AND i will figure this shit out." what's the difference between person A and person B? attitude. it's their perception of self and the situation to recognize that everything they're seeing and experiencing rn isn't the full story.

reacting isn't the end of the world. ffs, feel your feelings and do what you need to do to process in healthy ways because repression is just resistance. as neville said, "when you resist evil, you give it your attention; you continue to make it real." in this case, "evil" refers to anything you don't want.

so, if you keep trying "not to react" but it's coming from a place of repressing and pushing it away, you actually end up crediting the undesirable more, and this is why people who go the "fuck the 3D route" tend to get shit exploding back in their face. because they literally say "the 3D is fucked, fuck you" ... and then welp, the 3D fucks them back. like, it has no free will. it has to.

you and reality are one. there is no separation. it's not even just that reality is a mirror or that reality is your thoughts pushed out: all of physical reality is actually happening INSIDE you because physical reality is happening inside the mind of god. and you, your true divine self, are one with the father of all existence.

what makes manifesting confusing as fuck is when people identify with their limited, human self over their divine, limitless, eternal self. as reverend ike says, the only problem man ever has is not knowing himself, not identifying himself correctly.

you'll see it in a bunch of my posts that the first and ONLY step to manifest is to "be still and know that I AM god." and you can actually even chop that down to "know that I AM god" because when you identify as god above all, how can you NOT be one with your desires? how can you be anything else but unbothered and eternally fulfilled? because god is all things, has all things, and through whom all things are possible.

my advice is stop asking how and to start asking who. ask yourself who you really are. ask your true self to reveal themselves to you. ask yourself who do i say i am? and you'll start seeing things not through your physical, limited eyes but through the eyes of god.

anyway, i'm sorry this got so fucking long, and i hope that there was at least a nugget or two in here that helped you. the short of it is, manifesting isn't about how or when or if; it's always about who. who do you say you are? and that will be added onto you because god put all its faith into you to give you the free will to choose your conception of self.