#i never thought id be so relieved that something isnt able to be found

[eyesmadeofpearls]

OH THANK GOD its unfindable 😭😭

[hecohansen31]

SoulmateAU! Duncan doesnt care about his mark. He loves Michael. He loves Jim. And when he meets Reader, his soulmate, he loves her too, but he wants to keep everyone. Except that Michael and Jim are afraid that he will love Reader more and so they are a little mean with her when Duncan isnt here (even if they dont hate her). The poor girl is sad, because she likes them and think she should leave for them to be happy. Duncan must quickly find a way to reassure everyone ! (sorry its a bit long)

(A/N): Hello there, mon amour!

How was your day?

I hope better!

Also sorry for taking A LOT OF TIME! I am an idiot, but I got quite through a bit of ask, and since tonight I cancelled my plans, I am hoping to work on even more requests or such!

Hope you’ll like it!

WARNINGS: Jealous, Abandonement Issues, People Being Idiots.

It had happened almost as a fairytale: she had been the poor and starving journalist meeting Duncan Shepherd, the rich heir to the Shepherd Foundation at a gala, when he had accidentally drenched her with expensive champagne.

She had been dabbing her shirt, with him helping her dabbing the liquid, excusing himself in a way that she hadn’t expected him to.

He had been gentle and modest, almost as if he was just a fellow colleague.

It was in that moment that he had noticed on her wrist a little sign, the same one he owned on his matching wrist, the obvious sign that they were soulmates.

At first he had simply asked her on a coffee date, more as friends than lovers, but he had kept asking her out and she hadn’t been able to stop herself from accepting, although slowly she had discovered more and more out of the busy man’s life, such as his two other fellow “friends”, which were actually his partners in life and work: Michael Langdon and Jim Mason.

When she had first met them, they had been pretty nice with you, but as soon as Duncan had left the room, a glacial silence had appeared for the entire time they had spent together and no matter how nice she was with them, they didn’t seem to share the same predicament, teasing each of her insecurities.

At first, she had thought it was simply some initial jealousy, but as she had settled in Duncan’s house, they hadn’t been very welcoming alongside acting as brats with her and as saints with Duncan.

She had tried with anything: gentleness, bribing them with their favorite food and gifts, trying to spend some time together in their favorite activities and even going as far as to push Duncan away so, the three of them could spend more time together.

But it never worked, and then in the end she had ended up feeling left out as if she was the problem.

Then she was the one who needed to leave.

She had been packing her suitcase, after she had gotten a friend to host her for a bit, till she found a nice apartment to rent for the rest of the year, meanwhile she worked onto forgetting Duncan Shepherd.

She honestly had fallen in love with him, and hadn’t Michael and Jim been a tad nicer towards her she thought that she would actually like them.

But she just couldn’t think about this anymore, or she would cry and lose all her resolution.

She was packing her suitcase, when Michael walked in without knocking, a donut in his left hand and his face smeared with vanilla sugar on it, which was a truly adorable sight, but she was too focused on closing her suitcase before he could notice it.

She hadn’t wanted them to know just yet.

That night she would call Duncan and break it off on the phone, since she thought that challenging him face to face would make her break all her resolutions and go back,

But she just couldn’t.

She was the one who was out of place with them: definitely not as divinely gorgeous as them and charmingly delightful.

“What are you doing?” asked Michael, eyeing her strangely, and she was expecting some insult to came, but he was just looking at her curious, and she would have sworn that she saw him being almost worried.

“Oh, a friend of mine needs a luggage and I am giving her mine, since hers broke” she lied, quickly, although she knew that it was extremely bad, but Michael didn’t seem to mind it too much and she thought that he had gone back to his usual behavior, so she turned to get back to her things.

But he surprised her again.

“… do you want to come with us downstairs?” he asked, eating up a bit of his donut “… we are sharing a box of donuts, do you want to join us?”.

She was extremely surprised by the proposal since they hardly ever shared Duncan with her, so she was surprised that they would be willing to actually share their precious donuts, but she rejected the offer, because it might all be a very unfunny joke of theirs: like they would have given her a donut, just to smash it in her face.

They would have thought it was funny, but she wouldn’t.

“I can’t, I have to bring this to my friend as soon as I can” she replied, pursuing her lips to seriously fake being worried about the time, shooting a quick look at the clock.

Michael nodded slowly and turned around without talking, but in his movements, she couldn’t help but see some kind of sadness, as if he had seriously wanted her to join them.

But she just couldn’t let got to her mind: she was a woman on the mission.

She went down with the luggage to take her car keys, meanwhile the boys were in the kitchen, where she could hear them giggle, and she shout a quick “see you soon”, welcomed by two “have a nice day”, which was strange since the boys never ever seemed to notice whether she was out or in the house.

She proceeded with her plan: driving off to her friend house, who was already waiting for her with a mug of tea and chocolate, to comfort her tormented heart, meanwhile they gossiped about anything but her relationship, till Margret, her friend, mumbled:

“Are you sure about having done the right choice?” she had been the one who had insisted on her talking like a civil woman to Duncan about the situation and get the two “idiots” kicked out “… maybe they’ll miss you…”.

“I don’t think, Meg” she replied, rather quickly and without thinking, although her mind went a bit back to that morning, when Michael offered her to eat donuts with them “… I felt so unwelcome, but at the same time, I was the problem, they weren’t”.

“That’s (Y/N)’s mentality” tried to make her reason her friend “… Meg’s mentality is… you should have talked with Duncan”.

“I am!” she exclaimed, before she blushed, hiding her face in her mug and hoping it had been something stronger “… tonight, maybe…”.

Her friend just smirked sadly, before the intercom ringed and she moved to hear who was bothering them, meanwhile she searched a more comfortable position on the sofa.

Just as she had found it, her friend came back to her, with a face that made it seem like she had just seen a ghost, before ending up in a laughing fit, which she didn’t understand, looking at her confused.

“Apparently I have the police under my house, searching for you”.

Which was extremely strange: yeah, she had been staying at Meg’s house for a few hours, definitely not enough for anyone to be worried.

“Why are they searching for me?”.

“I have just let them up, before they accuse me of kidnapping you, so you can ask them yourself”.

The little policeman who had come to search for her, was actually the type of investigator that she would have found in a comedy and both she and Meg had had to stop each other from laughing at his face.

“Mrs (L/N)?” he asked and she nodded, thinking whether she needed or not to show him her ID, but the man just huffed relieved “… Mr Langdon and Mr Mason are extremely worried for you, they said that this morning you left with a luggage and they were worried you were trying to run away”.

Which had been her plan, but she didn’t think that they would have cared, or noticed.

“Ahem… I just went to Meg’s house, to leave a luggage and we ended up chatting for a bit more than we had thought, I am an independent lady, I am allowed to go anywhere alone”.

The policeman seemed to completely agree, but what he said further, surprised even more.

“I know, Mrs (Y/N) and personally… I think that both the misters might have overreacted a bit: we usually don’t warrant a missing person warning till twenty-four hours are passed., but Mr Langdon wasn’t able to calm himself till I told him that we would rush the procedure and I would personally search you for the city”.

This was rather surprised and Meg almost looked like she was going to choke on biting too hard her tongue not to laugh.

She hadn’t expected the boys to even notice her absence, she almost thought they would party on her finally leaving them.

She hadn’t definitely thought they would be worried for her.

“… so, if you don’t mind it, Mrs (L/N), can you come with me to the police station, so that Mr Langdon and Mr Mason might stop pestering my agents?”.

Although she was almost tempted to stay here at Meg’s house just to make them panic even more, she went after the policeman, since he honestly seemed too done with this entire situation.

Meg smirked, meanwhile she hugged her goodbye, whispering about the fact that she needed to confront them now.

When she came at the station, the total chaos was happening there, meanwhile Michael basically screamed at every police officer in the station on how they should rush what they were doing, as Jim looked like he was a step from crying, surrounded by many secretaries who tried to get him to be slightly happier.

But he only brightened when he saw her coming alongside the detective, immediately pushing them all away to run into her, to hug her, meanwhile Michael stopped his screams to turn around, also catching the sight of her, but standing behind with a mysterious expression she didn’t understand if it was cooled rage or true surprise, as if he hadn’t expected her to be back.

“Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs (Y/N) is back” mumbled the detective, meanwhile she thanked and everyone erupted in an applause from which she hid, hiding her face in Jim’s shirt, who was more than happy to bring her under his wing, gently hugging her, meanwhile Michael escorted them out.

The drive back home was silent: she hadn’t been able to disentangle herself from Jim’s hug, so she was still stuck on his chest on the backseats of the car, meanwhile Michael drove, with an eye on the road and another looking at her from the rear window, as if he was expecting her to disappear in thin air.

When they came back home, she almost rushed to her room, but she was stopped by Michael who looked at her with a heavy expression.

“I think we need to talk”.

“I’d prefer to go to my room, to settle some things” she replied, knowing that “talking” might entail them making fun of them as they always did.

They might have been extremely worried about her but, did they seriously care?

“Sweetie, I do think that we need to talk” commented Jim, backing Michael off, but she was convinced by his tone and followed them to the sofa, and she took a seat on the chair in front of it, where they settled, putting some distance.

“Why did you run away” Michael Langdon was never one who liked to play around with things, mostly when they personally mattered to him.

“What are you talking about?” she tried to play dumb, meanwhile an exaggerated laugh left her mouth to hide her embarrassment “I just went to Meg’s house to give her the luggage and I stayed to talk with her, I didn’t even think that you would notice me missing”.

She knew that she was being unfair and definitely a bitch, but they had been terrible to her, so she didn’t owe them any gentleness.

They both grimaced at the screeching words.

“We did notice it, and Michael saw that your luggage was full” shittity shit, she thought, meanwhile Jim withheld her sight, as if he was an abandoned child “… and you wouldn’t come back or pick up your phone”.

“We were worried” summarized Michael, looking at her deeply with those shards of lethal glass, but she refused to give in.

“Yeah… I am sure that you were worried on how to explain to Duncan how you hadn’t killed me and buried me in the graveyard” she mumbled, meanwhile she crossed her arms over her chest to push them away from her mind “… you were just worried it might get you in trouble”.

“Yeah we were worried of what Duncan might do, if he didn’t find you tonight” mumbled Jim, his voice just a shade apart from totally becoming a crying “… he wouldn’t have been ok, without you, his soulmate”.

“We didn’t do this only for that” mumbled Michael, this time lowering his face as if he was ashamed to say that “… we were seriously worried about you… I know we might not show it much, but we seriously care about you”.

“Yeah I honestly and truly believe that you were” she spit sarcastically, meanwhile she just made to raise from her chair, but then Jim started crying and gently hugged Michael, who immediately welcomed.

“We are sorry for the behavior we have displayed with you, it’s just...” but before he could finish his discourse.

“… we were worried that you might take advantage of Duncan” shouted out loud Jim, before he hid his face in Michael’s chest so what he said next was a bit mumbled “… he is generous with the people he thinks that love him, and you appeared so suddenly in our lives… I just didn’t want him to suffer”.

She had never seen this side of the story, but she could see Jim’s worriedness, he had been there before both her and Michael and he clearly was extremely attentive at whoever came in their lives, mostly after what had happened with his mother, something that Duncan had whispered to her, when she had asked what to avoid with the boys.

“I was jealous” confessed instead Michael, although she would have obviously guessed it since he wasn’t as subtle as Jim, so she had caught him many times looking at her with green eyes, when Duncan would lean into her or circle her waist with his arm “… I honestly thought that you had some favoritism which you didn’t deserve just because you were his soulmate”.

She wanted to tell him that she had never wanted anything like that just because she was Duncan’s soulmate, just as him and Jim, who were each other’s soulmates, didn’t distance or made any favoritism towards each other in spite of Duncan.

“It was stupid, I have to admit it, but it felt easier to hate you than admit the fact that maybe you deserved Duncan’s love” he mumbled, biting his lips, meanwhile he focus his attention onto Jim “… but the fact is that he truly loves you and we have been assholes not to notice him”.

She was without words, and she was unable to breath properly meanwhile she thought about what to do, the two boys gently comforting each other, and she took a chance.

She raised, immediately feeling the boys’ eyes onto her and gently moved next to the two boys, enveloping them in a hug, extremely careful as if they were two cats ready to attack her at any given moments.

Jim was the first who leaned into her, gently grabbing her waist with an arm and pushing her onto his laps, completely smashing his face in her chest, in a soothing manner, for Michael it took him a tad more but he leaned into her touch, gently hiding his face in her hair and kissing her neck, softly.

They stayed like this enough not to be surprised from Duncan finally coming back home, who looked at three of them who he always found fighting, all entangled but didn’t say anything, instead gently he leaned in and kissed their foreheads, joining the hug.

Explanations could wait.

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 7 - "Okay there we go. I'm caught up. Now give me my winner's edit back." - Trace

Not only did nehe go but he did NOT play his idol AND i got him to tell me where he found it. Its a long shot but if the host rehide it in the same coordinates im set. Now I just gotta make sure I dont get crucified for it.

Fuck! That just happened and it was great. Me working with Matt and Adrian was smart because they actually felt the same way I felt about Nehe. Like i really liked him but trusting him after he already backstabbed me!? Nahh. It is time to play this game.

The past two days have been the greatest days in survivor history for me and no matter what happens and even if I’m out next no one can take away my masterful Nehe blindside, my earning the trust of the people I voted against last tribal and finding an idol with my best girl Kait. Let’s keep this energy please.

I feel very fucking stupid. Have work and I am not able to talk to my tribe, I self-vote, and now I am considered inactive, rightfully so. I need to get that inactive label off my ass ASAP

Madison really is trying it. She is trying to get isolated because it's obvious there will be an advantage there. She is saying it would be nice for someone on our tribe to have it, but I don't trust her. I doubt she would let anyone know what the actual advantage is if there is one. But at the same time, people will assume she has something and that will make the target on her back so much greater. Also, it's a round of safety so no shit she wants it. I don't think I can outright say "oh no no no, i don't want you going" even though that is how I feel. I would rather send Matt because I trust him more than I trust Madison.

What's a guy gotta do to get voted into isolation? Positive or negative idc, if I'm forced into retrograde that helps my resume. Vote me Ma'an. How do these people not realize our vote doesn't matter aside from it being public, Ma'an is obviously going to vote together they have no reason not to especially with it being PUBLIC our vote is straight up how it will be perceived by people not deciding who goes to isolation.  For a bunch of smart guys they're being stupid.

It’s the next day after tribal last night. I need to talk to Stephen. We have played before and Ive been hosted by him so we have some history. We techically havent been working together but we have had some communication and we havent gone after each other. I need to talk and see if he’s willing to work with me in this game. This Moon twist is so weird and i dont know whats going to happen. We are going to all cote together and its between Cloe and Thomas. They feel that sending someone to exile gives hosts the perfect numbers to do a swap. Which would be bad but not too horrible. Just if there is I want to be in a tribe with Aidan, Madison, Matt S, Stephen, and perhaps Ian/Timmy.

- - -

It is coming close to 7 o’cock and im getting nervous to find out what happens. This moon twist could really mess things up or cause lots of trouble if person isolated gets an advantage or something.

So what people might be thinking right now is "wow Timmy is an idiot and went against his entire tribe" but with the way this game is set up WHO CARES. I haven't spoken to Madison or Chloe much so I know neither of them are going to tell me what happened in the Oasis. Madison had been pushing all day for her to go but also saying "it doesn't matter much I'll do whatever" but whenever someone tried to bring up another plan she would immediately shut it down and suggest herself. That was super sketchy to me so no way in hell was I going to be sending her there. I got to make the final decision and I am so happy about that because I got to do what I wanted, which was not send Madison. There is no real reason to stick to any tribal lines for this season since you don't go to tribal as a tribe. Yea it helps with keeping more people safe with immunity, but I've been doing a good job at that on my own. I'm very methodical with this game and everything I do has a reason that is thought out for it and this one was because Madison is sketchy and I wanted her to feel not safe because she was already basically gloating about going. She didn't need it, Chloe needed it more because she was already in danger so why not give her a break and she deserves some possible advantage. Madison didn't need it by any means, I needed it more than she did because I have been safe for so many rounds that if I go to tribal I am a threat so a little solace of a possible advantage would have been nice but I wasn't going to shove my name into the ring. I know this entire thing could be my downfall, but at the same time you have to take chances so that's what I did and I don't regret it for one second.

Basically what I was expecting happened and we had a tribe swap. Cloe is safe in isolation. Warzone is still a thing so no normal tribals yet. I want to win this immunity because i dont want to be at tribal while at disneyland. Or maybe if i am ill show u guys while im there.

me at matt and owen rn: 

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Bh2G2YfIgAACSlm.jpg

Well. Hot diggity Dog huh? I’m kind of glad we swapped right before Ma’an literally imploded over who to isolate. I guess Chloe is there now which I feel bad about but I feel like I can work with her and whatever she’s got since we’ve voted together twice. I’m glad I have Madison here as an ally as well as Adrian, even tho he was giving me one word and emoji answers (suspicious!!! Emojis are never good). I hope he’s not afraid of me considering he literally spent last warzone going “I can’t believe how easily you got everyone to think Thomas was the vote you’re so good at this” like yes I am but don’t notice that! I have my idol which is nice and relieving and Kaits the only only person who knows about it, which might mean Kait may be a loose end for me. I love her to DEATH and really trust her but she kinda weirded me out during the isolation vote by being catty. If that’s how she is with that vote, does she go even harder during tribal? The thing with Kait and Owen is like they’re my best friends from high school or something. But going off to warzone with Maynor twice and Madison twice was like going to college and meeting new friends who you share insane experiences with and then go back to your high school friends and there’s a disconnect. I just hope me trying to be a friend to all doesn’t smush me in the middle. I’m not ready to be smushy.

It too me 41 minutes to do this challenge. I think i did okay but i could be totally off. I really hope i was able to get atleast enough of it correct for me to win safety. I dont really want to go to tribal but I have a decent allies that i might be safe. Matt told Kait to talk to me and we are getting along. Id be down to work with her in this game. I have to wait and see what happens with these tribal results later. I dont wanna be worrying about the vote while im in disneyland.

I only know of like, 5 of these people. Ians here thats good, Corey is here that isnt, maynor i think is good. Love the guy but he plays the game. Heres to another messy warzone! This challenge sucked.

Fuck that challenge and fuck Arianna Grande. It's f17, I am not going to throw that much of my time away on a f17 challenge, that's just asinine. If anyone thinks those challenges are fun then there is something wrong with you. I'd rather burn my idol than subject myself to the torture that challenge was. Sort your own damn screenshots.

Whale, whale, whale. New tribes and shit. I have a save vote thing that I may keep if I decide to not vote at my next tribal council. Unfortunately, if I am in the warzone tonight, (and I believe I will be due to my slow performance) I don't believe I will get this power; with only 8 of us there and Chloe joining the tribe that loses a person, I don't see myself refraining from voting. I am intrigued by the other tribe voting Madison and i assume she volunteered. I don't know what is up w Timmy and he is now the single person I have yet to speak to. Regardless, I have taken the opportunity to bond w Kait and a bit with Thomas. I need to shield my own ass in case I'm in WZ. Kait seems scared of it, understandably, and a sympathetic new boi to her is not threatening and she may see me as an asset if we end up there together. I'm thankful for Ian on my tribe as he's the only person I feel comfortable with talking game with and long-term and short-term strategy. Wish I had Matt, Devon, Adrian or Owen on my team though. Sucks that Maynor is here. BUT regardless! I am doing my best.

[aj0131]

Rabbit holes...

im severely lost on my path of life right now. I feel like I dont have many options. It is going to be found out that I failed a ton of classes to the point where I cant graduate on time. And so im not sure that I will end up getting my degree here. Something that was once so important to me became something that was forced and I didnt have a choice in. I didnt want to go to class anymore, it became almost a form of torture. I dont feel like im even intelligent anymore. And i think to what the reasoning is and im not sure I have an exact answer. I just saw the world differently after my mom passed. I unfairly didnt get credit for a class that I deserved to get, and it was like all of that effort meant nothing. Just like it did for my family situation. And I just felt powerless. I think thats a recurring theme... I want to have control over the things that are happening in my life. My best friend is leaving school, and that means ill only really have one person left. And ive told myself for so long that i can be alone again like i have so many times before, but i just dont want to do that again. Im going to be so sad when she goes. She makes me feel good about myself, like I matter, like im loved. And she makes me love myself. Its such a hard situation because shes the one who introduced me to doing drugs all the time, but ive been so much happier since that i cant regret it. It makes me question why society puts such a negative view on them. Ive experienced so much in my life that on a daily basis I have no desire to function or do anything, and drugs change that for me. And the thing is is I dont think theres something wrong with me for not wanting to do anything. I think I needed a break a long time ago. I think I broke a long time ago. And who knows if ill ever be a functioning member of society or if ill just figure it out. It scares me. But I dont blame the drugs. If I know that theyll be there, some days it gives me more motivation to do what I need to. Theyre kind of like a warm hug to come home to. And with my best friend leaving, there goes my access. And im really scared for how thats going to feel. I think im going to be miserable. I think reality is miserable. I spent a few minutes crying in the bathroom the other day just praying that this isnt really reality... and I think that if just my mom was alive and not sick, that I would be okay. I know thats not how life works, but thats all I ever wanted and was my goal. But you cant stop someone else from doing their addiction. I learned that a long time ago. And now hes trying to do the same thing to me before I get too bad, but he doesnt understand my use doesnt have to do with him. I just want to be happy. And my way of handling myself is this way right now. I dont want to hurt myself or want to die everyday. Its just it doesnt feel unhealthy because im not on them ALL the time, i just... whenever I try to justify it, I feel like I sound like a drug addict. That oh, I can stop anytime, its not affecting everything else blahblahblah. I just go as far as to wish I had done them earlier. I would have gotten some relieve sooner. I mean im typing this when im on something now, and its allowing myself to safely access my thoughts. Im done justifying it to myself, because my only job is to live my life and thats what im doing, and no one can tell me how to live it. I just imagine how my life would be if I quit and got everything together, and what I see is me having this giant house on the beach with a chandelier when you walk in, and a winding staircase in a beautiful white room. Id have my hair done up in a low bun with my hair tucked in crystal pins in a beautiful white dress. I would entertain people all the time and go to these beautiful dances and balls. I would have everything together, a perfectly clean house, I would do things all the time like take classes at the gym or take the kids to their soccer practice. And I would be so loved by my husband that i wouldnt even know what to do with myself. Just unconditional support. Id work part time at the aquarium nearby and work for nonprofits. 

The thing is, I dont think any of that is real at all. People fight, things get fucked up, things are stressful, I have numerous mood disorders at this point... I never thought I could get over the loss of my family. The day she died, I lost every bit of hope that Id ever have a real family, and so I never knew if I could then have a real family of my own. [I guess what I should mean to say real is is a healthy one and all the primary members are still present.] 

I finally overcame the hurdle recently where I thought I would never feel things again. He did that for me. And love means so much to me, I thought it was the one thing if I could have, that one amazing love, that I could accept all the things that happened to me. I thought God and I made a deal when I was about 10 that I would take whatever he had to throw at me, I just asked for love, and I felt kind of a confirmation I thought. But I dont think God gives guarantees and I think I was wrong. Or maybe I already fucked it up when I was given the chance. I mean, im crazy in love with a boy right now, but hes never looked at me the same since he found out what Ive done. I believe he loves me so he stays. But thats even hard for him to swallow. And when I think about that life for me that I want, hes who I see it with. He feels like hes my family, and that hes not going anywhere, and I want to believe so badly that he sees past all the bad of me. I want him to know im not like everyone else. And I try to understand that maybe I was given the option to make those horrible choices so that I would understand that I just possibly lost the best thing that couldve happened to me because I wasnt acting like the person that the best could want. I think of it as a way to force myself to see my mistakes so that I understand not to make them again and not continue down that path. I understand that I am at a huge crossroads in my life right now and that I can choose to not really do anything with my life and let it fall apart or that I can pull it together and try to make it what I want it to be. Im not sure that I have it in me to do it when things look so bleak.

I dont want to move in with my dad. I left for a reason. I cant handle living with him, he is really bad for my anxiety. I dont really blame him for it anymore, I think he has an anxiety problem too and doesnt know how to not put that on other people. But it would feel like taking so many steps backward. And I know I would have to sacrifice a lot of myself to do it. He demands to be right and he demands for me to feel and think certain ways that i just dont, and I will never be the perfect person for him, nor for anyone else. I recognize that I am a really strong minded individual that just cant for the life of me be what someone else wants me to be, but i damn sure wish I could. A lot of times I just wish I wasnt me. I feel like everyone wants something different from me, and that im just not enough. Or that I have too many issues to be what they want. 

Sometimes I have the strength to say fuck that, Im proud of who I became because anyone that knows the full truth has told me that they would have killed themselves a long time ago. And I appreciated that they were truthful about it. But I still dont really get any slack from it. Life doesnt stop just because you need it to. 

My dad says hes about to take a job overseas and that he wants me to take over the family and bills and all of that... and it honestly feels like hes choosing my life for me and that Im about to end up stuck in my hometown living the same life he did just a different job. When I go home all I see is my past and how miserable I was before, and just all of these ghosts of past people and past happenings, and specifically my mom. I mean we still have a lot of her things and we still live in the same house we lived in. Its like my dad and sister dont feel it. But its like all of what happened in that house is still there, like a haunting. 

But anyways, Im getting offtrack. The thing is is that hes right when he says I could live rent free and I wont be able to really afford an apartment by myself at first. But honestly, I only see myself doing three options. Living with my dad, taking a job in a random place because I found security deposit money and I just go for it, or I live with him. And while my favorite options is living with him, we fight every other day, and I am constantly afraid of when hes going to leave. (yeah, i know, healthy). Its definitely not the time to talk about it. It just fucking sucks because there are so many times I look at him, and I am just overcome with how much I love him (hes called me out on a few occasions, much to my amusement) and its like I cant say it or I shouldnt let myself feel that way because he doesnt want to be with me. Its not like I dont understand why, I just dont want it to be like that. But i cant give up. Especially after all of this, like I did not put myself through this for no reason. I just want to stop feeling so sad about it, its like I cant be sad because then im not enjoying the time hes giving me, but I cant be too happy because at any time he could just decide hes never going to want to be with me again. It makes me insecure and into a person that im not. But its yet another thing that i dont have control over. Because i do everything that i know how to do, but im told its not being seen or that its not enough. And sometimes Im so down about it that I think he just deserves better than me. When were in a fight and hes describing how he sees me, it makes me see myself like that, and then i just dont understand why he loves me at all. It makes me think that he has to see past what he thinks he sees. Ive been beginning to be so hurt by what he says about me that im not sure i can look at myself the same way. If the person that ended up knowing and seeing all of my worst and best parts of me thinks so little of me, then what am i to think of myself? I cant blame him for thinking that im a liar and a fake but good God do I pray someday he will look at me and not see that. Im trying so hard to turn my life around and be someone hes worthy of being with, and I think thats why when im in one of my really bad states that on the inside im just screaming at the top of my lungs, I feel like im not being heard, I feel like im not even here and that he has to be talking about someone else. How did I become that person? I just know that that cant be me or who I became, because ive fought tooth and nail to get out, and I dont believe in not being able to change your life around. I just know that if I dont continue trying to be with him and to stop doing what he doesnt want me to do, that im never going to know if it could have worked. That maybe that was it. Everything in me has been telling me I should fight, and now is the time I have to. That im in this place for a reason right now and I have to work my hardest to get out of what ive done to myself. I just know that ive hardly been able to feel anything since my mom died, and since i met him I feel everything in life again, like I care again about what happens. Im fighting for myself because I feel like theres something there. I can look outside and feel happy about a flower that I found pretty growing. Im filled with hope, and I want to fight. I think thats what I have to do. Fight for the life that I want and not let anyone else decide it for me. I need to fight to make myself better. I need to fight to get what I want. And I think hes been trying to fight with me and help me to. And maybe thats part of his purpose in my life. I just dont feel like its over yet. Any of it. I just need to be okay with not making a decision of what to do right this second. Things need time to work through themselves as well. I cant control everything. I need to do one day at a time and stop letting others influence me so much, and to trust myself to do whats right for me. (Ha, trust someone on drugs, real funny...) 

I just know this is only a fraction of how my mom felt when she was trying to do better after all that shed done, which is a lot worse than me, and I pray that she has peace now knowing that I know she tried. Im just going to try to not make the same mistakes of letting other people control my life and tell me who I am or am not. I decide that. And I dont have to let my past travel on with me. I just need to fight.