#i need u to reply !!! so that ik u r alive !!!!!

[zubeedubi]

the struggle of being excited about a group work but being grouped with people who are noticeably less excited

[doomzday-zone]

ok but actually. i know i said this in the tags on ur post but genuinely i love ur faggy infinites i love ur attitude i love how u post whatever u want and put it in the main tags bc u are unapologetically urself when it is so easy to try and fit in. u have the confidence i aim to have for myself and it's so refreshing to see somebody who embraces being Weird <3 i've never engaged because i am unwell about people being aware of me but i've literally been lurking on you and the dog and hog gang for at least a year (i never really spoke much about liking them despite having interest for years) and. just. you're all so chill. the critical thinking, lack of judgement, this world needs more of that shit fr!! i hope u have a great day – good vibes from a transfag autism brained freak (and thank u for ur tags on my essay. i'm so glad other people care as much as me <3)

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I IWISJ I COULS ANSWER TJIS AND KEEP TJIS IM ,MY IMBOX FOREVER RAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM SO GLAD U LOVE MY BOYSSSSSSS<33333 RAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! i usually try n segment my replys to address every beat but this is so much........ to my liddle tiny heaet........ im ,iteralkly cyinf rnn can you tell????? UIVTBJVJBJVBKJ. this means. the world to me<33333 im glad<33 im glad i can inspire some of that in u<3 like for the longest time i was literally larping as one of the normies :sob: like i get it 100% the want 2 fit in and b accepted esp in fandom is strong but in my case it is utterlly unsustainable 2 follow the crowd. i cant pretend i dont like what i like. i cant pretend to be normal r have normal relationships 2 things r have normal opinions jnkjjkjbjk. and its hard!!!!!! there rlly isnt a real tangible space to be fucking insane and into weird n gross shit n etc in fandom like there is for the sanitized kiddy friendly stuff or the hyper horny stuff, its an awkward middle line 2 tread.(n im wayy too autistic 4 fandom anyways.... lol) and ik im not the only one. i wouldnt b able 2 be so unabashed and real and freaky w/o the support of all the amazing ppl ive met in my little freak circle<3333(IT IS SOOOOOO cheesey n cringe-sounding but im being so fr when i say my weirdoes n infinite the jackal saved my life<3333333333 i literally probably wouldnt even b alive today w/o em<333 thanks 2 all of u for helping me grow stronger btw hehe....)

Every day i choose to be insane and gross and a freak and a transexual faggot and autistic and TOO MUCH !!! for meself obv<3 but also for the ones i love and ppl like YOU!!!!!!!!!! >:D i cant change the world w just my little paws. but i CAN b crazy on main. i CAN show everyone that you dont have 2 be afraid of your own interests for fear of not being accepted in the greater fandom<333 even if these ppl never rlly come out of their shell... theres always someone, someplace out there thatll accept u. theres always more freaks, theres always more faggots<3 even if you never come out and yell it to the world if i could inspire just a tiny bit of this love in ppl thatd be enough for me :)

anyways. lol. kjnobjbiubjk thank you<33 a lot<3333 i mean it<333333 so many words i wish to say in this moment but ik you get it<3 mwamwa<333333333

life is short babey!!! dont be such a stranger okay ^_^

[seongminiz]

okay😓😓 well i hope you feel better ❤️‍🩹 🫶🏻 in the meantime i will try to help distract with siren thots (but also no pressure still)‼️

idk who u wanna talk about but i was thinking about juyeon😩 and how you’d said about kissing to keep breathing underwater,, but the siren’s spit is an aphrodisiac and you’re just overwhelmed and overstimulated by the pleasure you’re receiving because you need to keep kissing to stay breathing, stay alive.. u have no choice hehe🤭 and besides, he won’t let u go out of his grasp either.. i imagine sirens are strong, and he can hold you against his body tightly to keep you safe

and then u also mentioned the eggs… breeding.. i’m dizzyzyzyy but if u don’t mind 👉🏻👈🏻 are u able to clarify what u mean by that? before i go off cuz idrk what im imagining for that😓

- 🧁 anon

I WAS WRITING A REPLY N ACCIDENTALLY CLOSED THE TUMBLR APP OMFG WHY IS THE UNIVERSE TORTURING ME LIKE THIS

anyways :3

YEAHHH OMG JUYO :( idk why i've been sooo in my tbz era lately probably bc of the tour n everything 💔

but yea uhm siren juyo ☆_☆ siren juyeon who is so strong n ur life quite literally depends on him when ur underwater so ur clinging to him the whole time n he thinks ur so cute for it if he could he'd just keep us as like his pet or something :( but like in a very fucked up possessive way 😵‍💫😵‍💫

honestly !! idk abt the eggs bc when i mentioned it i didnt rlly think much abt it 😭 it was a time where i was reading a lottttt of monsterfucker smut n was just like mhhh that sounds neat 👍🏻 but didnt think it through 🥲 so like ,, omfg this is so embarrassing let me switch to the small font so i dont feel like im yelling this to the whole world 😭 so yeah uhhh i kinda looked up .. ovipositor toys :] n they r basically like dildos but the top part is 'open' (?) n the eggs go through it so its basically like a tube n OMG THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING TO EXPLAINNNN but also .. it would be kinda hot .... ok bye srry if this is weird im . yea 🫥 so like just think of that instead of a normal dick ig ?? but also i was thinking me personally it would kinda freak me out if it was already open while looking at it like srry siren juyo ur hot asf but . no 🫶🏻 so like instead of that it 'opens up' (? when hes abt to cum/breed u/push the eggs inside of u also like ik fish eggs r usually rlly small but since sirens r human sized (if not even bigger bc yea why not size kink yay) so it'd be like normal eggs bc yea thats hotter than the fish ones 🫠👍🏻

this was so rambly n embarrassing im so sorry 😭

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[dionysuswearsanorangetracksuit]

lizzie !!!!!!!! hello hello i keep meaning to reply to ur response and i figured i'd do it after i finished the redemption eps but 😔 they r taking me a while bc i have so much work 😔 BUT i just wanted to say i adore breanna sooooo much like she made me cry when she 'came out' and i CALLED it and it was so nice idk love her sm also started doing the debby ryan hairtuck and going 'hiiiiiiii' when she's on screen bc she's prettyyyyyyyyy flgjdfklgj sorry that's literally all i think abt when i watch now i mean esp in the great train job which i just finished like HELLO... hm ok this is long i will make it a tiny bit longer: i miss hardison a lot-a lot :( ik he's filming for the dc film(!!!!!!) but stilllllll !! but also it's so adorable when i recognize breanna's speech patterns/movement to match hardison's like !!!!!!! they're siblings they rlly r !!!!!! dislike eliot's fbi gf ofc but it's sooo funny that she's from jane the virgin lmao... adore sophie this season she's a fkn legend HARRY WILSON KJHKF what a silly little guy... i missed nate but then i read the actor's wikipedia and I Understand so yes. 1000000/10 season so far love the route they took after the og series ending, as always what an amazing show bestie thank u again for talking abt it love u also HOW WAS UR DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii h 🥺💕💗💞💗

I actually think you’re further along than me with the redemption episodes now 😳 I’m back home for a week and my mom is refusing to let me watch the new ones by myself until she’s caught up so I gotta go to YOU with commentary now ahsjsj 😏

And ahhhhg YEAH breanna is literally so 🥺🥰😳👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨💕💞 i love her so so much literal best addition hands down iconic incredible and her being queer is literally just the icing on top I love her I love her I love so deserving of ur Debby Ryan hair tuck lmao

also how much of hardison you can see in her character like you said with the speech patterns and movement but how she’s still very much her own person (also fun fact breanna is actually named after aldis hodge’s real life sister which is so fucking sweet 😭😭😭)

And yeahhh I miss hardison so much :((( like good for him but aldis hodge needs to wrap up and get back over here bc I miss my boy :(

I’ve never seen Jane the virgin but I take ur word for it ahsjsj as soon as eliot dumps her the better,,,, Harry Wilson what a lad he’s constantly confused and I appreciate that and yeah I do miss nate but I don’t miss the actor so I think it was a good decision especially bc the characters talk about him and are keeping him alive like how we remember

THANK YOU for watching it every time I remember or I see u reference leverage or whatever I lose my mind also 💯 best remake literally so so good they did so well

My day is goood ish so far ahsjsj I have a five hour rehearsal which is like 😒 and ‼️

😒 because it’s super long and over zoom and we gotta do some weird blocking right now but ‼️ because I feel like I’m actually doing something and being productive

How are you!!!!!! How was ur lab today?!? And classes?? I hope it’s getting better and you’re having fun and learning lots of interesting stuff

[areswriting]

a x e : xxxii

A u g u s t :

My chest deflates as the door closes softly behind me. I take slow steps to Elise, stopping only to kneel down and slip her heels onto her feet one at a time. This only seems to make her cry harder.

I stand straight, fingers uncurling, and rub my thumb across her cheek.

“Abram,” she says, recoiling from my touch. “You can’t hate me and do that. It isn’t fair—and I know what I did to you wasn’t fair but, Abram, please. If you’re going to hate me, hate me wholly.”

“Je ne te déteste pas,” I say. “That’s the problem, Elise. I don’t—I don’t hate you. I want to, I tried to.”  

“Then you need to try harder,” she cries. She grabs the lapels on my jacket, pulling me in only to push me away. “Hate me, Abram. Hate me! I can’t—I can’t be Anais. Hate me so I can stop loving you. I’m begging you, please. Hate me.”

I grab her hands, warm and soft, and pry them from my suit. “I can’t,” I yell.

“You can,” Elise yells back. “Think of everything I’ve done to you. Think about how much I’ve hurt you—”

“—I think about it every day,” I say over her. “But the good starts to outweigh the bad and all I can think about is what it felt like to kiss you. I’m so mad at you, but I miss you—and I’m even angrier that you’d trade my hate to heal your broken heart. What about me? What about my heart?”

“Abram, I’d give anything to fix the damage I’ve done to you, to us,” says Elise. Her face contorts and fresh tears spill down her cheeks. “But you’re stronger than I am and hating me is what I deserve. We both know you’re better off without me.”

“Ok, Sylvia Plath,” I say, then pause. My mouth falls open, and after a few seconds my chest shakes.

“What?” Elise snaps, pulling her hands away from mine. “What’s so funny?”

“I just made the connection. Sylvia.”

“So we’re laughing about it now?” she asks. “I don’t get you, Abram.”

“No, we’re not—I am,” I say. “I’m allowed to laugh at what you did, because looking back, I should have known. It’s so obvious now.”

“What is this, Abram?” says Elise as she wipes her face. “At dinner you wanted to fight with me, and tonight you’re putting my shoes on my feet and telling me you miss me.”

“This is me still loving you, Elise,” I say. “This is me trying to ignore how mad I am because I miss you.”

“But you can’t, can you?”

I shake my head. “Not yet.”

“Abram, I can’t do this,” she says. “I can’t wait for you. I can’t be my aunt.”

“Then maybe this is goodbye.”

△ △ △

S e p t e m b e r :

(texts: Abram & Brody)

do we know why ellie and she who must not be named follow each other on twitter?

Wtf?? no? how do you even know that???

I’ve been creeping a little.

I thought she blocked you?

She unblocked me.

My dude. Anything good on her timeline?

Mostly re-tweets of poetry. Nothing major.

I need to tell you something.

Big.

BIG.

????

I bought Els a ring.

SHUT UP

Like a ring, ring? Like an engagement ring?

Yes.

When??

Not yet. After we graduate. I’m going to ask her to marry me.

You should ask her on Christmas?

That’s what I was planning, next year on Christmas.

She would love that.

I feel like shit, because ik what you’re going through but I had to tell you.

It’s fine. I’m really happy for you, Brody.

I always knew you’d marry her.

It’s crazy, isn’t it? Not too long ago we were kids playing street hockey in the summer while she deliberately rode her bike in front of you and made fun of the way our voices cracked when we hit puberty. Now, we’re about to graduate, and that shit head of a girl is going to be your wife.

And that lanky blond kid with knobby knees is going to be my best man.

I love u Hunties.

I love u more Kempies.

We are the gayest heterosexuals.

If I had to pick a dude…

Let me pee on you like a territorial cat.

Only if I get to jet-pack you.

△ △ △

O c t o b e r :

“I saw you play on Saturday. I had no idea you were on the hockey team.”

I respond only with a grunt as I pour a foul-smelling, pink liquid into a beaker.

“You were really good,” she goes on. “I used to go see the Predators all the time back in Nashville.”

“We need a gram of iodine crystals,” I say, my eyes on our shared text-book.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Stassi carelessly pour the light purple crystals directly into a bowl and I sigh loudly.

“I said a gram, not an ounce. You have to weigh it.”

“Oh…Sorry,” she says, hurriedly pouring them back into the container. “I was just distracted.”

“Please, try to focus,” I say. “Put the iodine into the round beaker.”

“You make it sort of hard,” she replies.

I look up from the textbook to see her cheeks burning pink as she shyly looks away from me and to the spread of glassware in front of us.

“We need a damp filter to pour the ammonia into the iodine,” I say.

“And you keep doing that,” she says as the turns the water on low and dampens the center of a paper towel. “Why is that?”

My eyebrows crease and she sighs at me.

“Every time I try to talk to you, you change the subject,” she says. “Well, when you actually talk back.”

“It’s not just you,” I say, looking back at our work. “I don’t really talk to anyone.”

“Why not?” she asks. “Don’t you want to make new friends?”

I breathe out a laugh and shake my head. “No, I don’t, actually.”

“What happened to you, Abram Dyer?” asks Stassi.

I pause, because the only other person to address me like that is Elise. “Why do you think something happened to me?”

“Because,” she says. “No one is inherently that broody.”

Just a few inches shorter than me, I look down at her and I smile even though I don’t want to. “Everyone has a story, Stassi,” I say. “Some peoples are just more messed up than others.”

“I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours,” she says.

“We need to pour the iodine over the crystals next.”

△ △ △

N o v e m b e r :

Gigi’s house never felt like a home until now. It was always too big and too vacant—but at present it almost feels too small. Between Jason, Sophie, Sienna, Nyx, Brody, Ellie, Gigi and myself, the house is alive with noise, and her five bedrooms and bathrooms are just barely enough for everyone to cohabitate for a week.

“This is why I love the holidays,” Gigi says fondly. “I get to see my house full of my grandchildren.”

“Aw, Grams,” says Sienna, throwing her arm around Gigi’s shoulders. She gives her a lopsided smile and kisses her cheek. “You’re going soft on us.”

“I’m not going soft, dear,” says Gigi, “I just have a soft spot for you, but it will be callous if you don’t stop calling me Grams.”

Sienna snorts into her beer. Out of everyone in the room, she’s definitely the drunkest, with Ellie coming in close behind her as she drinks straight from a bottle of Avion tequila.

“You alright over there, Els?” I ask, tossing a pretzel at her.

She leans onto her elbow and points her finger at me. “Actually, no. I’m not.”

“Uh, babe,” says Brody. Worried that she’s a bomb that will go off at any second. “Think before you speak. You have to face these people for the next six days.”

“You’re not the boss of me, Brody,” Ellie says without looking at him. “Kai—Abram, Gigi—”

The doorbell rings loudly and everyone looks to where we know the front door is.

“Who could that be at this hour?” says Ellie.

I see Gigi raise an eyebrow at her before she stands and leaves the room.

“I mean, did someone order pizza?” Ellie says, then takes another drink straight from the bottle.

“What did you do?” Brody says pointedly.

“She didn’t act alone,” Sophie chimes in, smiling from Jason’s shoulder.

“Look—I’m sorry,” says Ellie. “But she came here to spend the week with her dad and he’s out of town until Thanksgiving.”

“Ellie!” Brody and I say in stereo.

“And Sophie!” says Sophie, lifting her head up.

“She doesn’t have anyone, Abram!” Ellie says through clenched teeth. “Be nice.”

I look toward the kitchen just as Gigi is walking Elise through it. I really want to be angry at Ellie, but when I see Elise, I can’t be. She looks at me and I instantly notice that her eyes are puffy and blood shot and the makeup around them is smeared. I also can’t help but notice how well she fills out the dress she wears.

And I can’t help but notice that she’s never looked more beautiful than she does right now. And I can’t help but wonder where the tears came from.

There is a squeal and then a flash of hair, and all I see next is Ellie tackle Elise the same way I tackled Brody on Gigi’s kitchen floor that morning. But they pick themselves up a lot faster than we did.

“Let me get you a chair, dear,” says Gigi.

“Nonsense,” says Ellie, grabbing Elise by the hand. “I can sit on Brody’s lap. Brody, come sit where I was.”

Brody and I share a look. Mine says, you better not get up. And his looks a lot like, she’ll kill me if I don’t. Without a word he stands, and Ellie all but shoves Elise into the seat beside mine.

“I’m glad to see you made it,” says Sophie, shocking me by not insulting Elise’s mildly dishevelled appearance.

“I had to fly to New York first,” says Elise. “Then I had a really long layover in Denver.”

“Well, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” says Ellie. She picks up the bottle of tequila and shakes it around. “You want?”

“Sure,” she says as she shrugs out of her coat.

Her perfume wafts through the air and I’m brought back to this time last year. I can feel our champagne kiss, and her hands in my hair.

Before Elise sets the bottle down, I hold my hand out for it. We stare at each other until our fingers touch, and I take the bottle and turn it up.

Ellie claps her hands together happily. “This is great!”

And my head falls back with a second gulp.

An hour passes with Ellie, Elise and Sophie talking amongst themselves, before people start announcing that they’re going to bed. The first to leave us is Nyx, who helps a very drunk Sienna out of her chair. Followed by Jason and Sophie, then Gigi.

When it’s just the four of us, Ellie climbs off of Brody’s lap to sit beside him.

“So, are you going to make Elise sleep on the couch?” she asks, swaying in her seat.

“Ellie,” says Elise. She looks at me apologetically. “I can stay at my dad’s apartment—I just—”

“No!” says Ellie. “You’re not staying there alone when you can stay here with us. Plus, it’s late and you’re drunk.”

“I can Uber,” says Elise.

“No,” comes out of my mouth so fast that it takes a moment for me to realize I actually said it. “You don’t need to get into a late-night Uber.”

“Yeah,” says Brody stifling a yawn. “Abram told me the Uber drivers here are even weirder than the ones in Boston.”

“Abram’s bed is huge,” says Ellie. “But you already knew that, because you’ve slept in it before.”

I toss another pretzel at her, this time hitting her face. “Thanks, Els.”

“Hey! I’m just saying,” she says, tossing it back, but misses me completely and hits Elise’s forehead.

“I could share with Abram,” Brody suggests.

“Or Elise can share with Abram. God, Brody,” says Ellie, attempting to whisper the latter but failing miserable.

My heart pounds into my stomach at the thought of sharing my bed with her, my jeans fitting just a little tighter. I feel my face turn red and my mouth go dry and I look everywhere but at her.

“Abram?” says Brody.

I shrug, looking up at the chandelier. “I’m fine with whatever.”