#i need to study for my calculus final but i thought this would be more fun

[barcaatthemoon]

balancing act || barcelona x teen!reader ||

you struggle to find balance between school and playing for barcelona, and your teammates try to help you.

you were on the verge of tearing your hair out as you stared at the notebook in front of you. it was one of the last games of the season, and you were at the front of the bus studying for your finals. your parents had been on your ass since your last test had come back with a 76. that was better than most of your class, but your parents didn't care.

they wanted you to have something to fall back on, insistent that football wouldn't be there forever. you didn't want to believe them, you couldn't. they wanted you to go away to university and put all of the football stuff behind you within the next few years. it was one thing to do it while you were young, but they didn't see it as a full fledged career.

you hated hearing them try to convince you to look into other options. your team was fully supportive of what you wanted to do. they saw the way that you worked hard, not just relying on your talent. there was no question that you'd be a staple of barcelona football for years to come, possibly even decades. there were already news outlets calling you the future alexia putellas.

"chica, it is so boring in the back of the bus without you," mapi whined. she dropped into the seat next to you suddenly. you usually hated it whenever mapi interrupted your work, but now, she was a welcome distraction. you weren't going to understand your math any more when all of the numbers blended together. "what the hell is that?"

"calculus," you answered plainly. mapi pulled a face as she pushed it away from you, nearly knocking it onto the floor. she put her arm around your shoulders and pulled you towards her. mapi wouldn't be playing today, but she was so excited to get to come along after having had to stay behind for the past couple of games. "what are you doing up here? i thought alexia banished you away from me."

"oh, keira and tana thought that you looked like you needed a break. nothing helps clear the mind better than some quality mapi time!" mapi exclaimed. she rattled off about a million games that the two of you could play for her allotted half hour with you, but all you wanted to do was take a little nap. fortunately for you, mapi had great shoulders to rest against.

it barely took any time for you to fall asleep with mapi. you had more studying to do, but mapi shooed alexia away when she came up to remind you. alexia had a tendency to push, and if it wasn't for mapi, you definitely would have broken down much sooner than you actually did. the pressure from everything had been building up for a while, and everybody was waiting for you to blow up.

the only person who didn't seem to notice was alexia. she kept pushing and pushing, despite the warning from everybody else about pressure. alexia thrived under pressure, and you were so much like her that she assumed you did too. she failed to notice the way that your shoulders had begun to sag as you tried to go through the everyday motions of living.

…

"hola nena," sandra greeted as she sat down next to you. it was one of her last practices. you were definitely one of the saddest to see her go. she had been a staple in your life long before you had joined barcelona. the woman had lived on your street for as long as you could remember, having quickly become a family friend.

"hola sandy." your finals hadn't gone the way that you were hoping they would, so you had to do a couple of the optional end of the year assignments to make it up. you had been working on the last one whenever she walked over.

"you know that is important to rest your brain as well as your body," sandra said. she placed her hand on your shoulder, squeezing gently to get you to look at her. you glanced up from your paper, and sandra felt her heart break a little at how exhausted you looked. "what are you working on?"

"it is my physics. and no, you're not allowed to help. after the disaster that was my study session with alexia and patri, none of the team is allowed to help," you told her. sandra laughed a little. she had heard all about that, alexia complaining that the school work these days was far too difficult for anybody to reasonably understand.

"don't worry, i wouldn't even know where to start if i did want to help you," sandra joked. "i just wanted to check on you. you've been working very hard, and i know that it can get tiring."

"i'm fine. it's what i have to do. i keep my grades up, i get to play. that's the deal." sandra frowned at the almost robotic way you repeated the words that your parents, alexia, and the coaches had been drilling into you. "i can't rely on football forever. one day, i'll have to do someting else, right?"

"what would you want to do if you couldn't play football?" sandra asked you. that wasn't a question that anybody had ever asked you. your parents were insistent that you'd have to have a good career after football to take care of your family, and alexia talked to you like football was always going to be all there was. nobody had ever stopped to ask what you wanted to do, so you never thought about it.

"well, i don't really know," you admitted.

"that's perfectly fine, you're young. just don't put too much thought into what everybody else wants for you," sandra reminded you. she pressed a kiss to the top of your head as she got up to leave you alone. you let her words echo around in your head. it was a good thing to remember, even if it would be hard to undo the years of people pleasing you had grown accustomed to.

…

barcelona was full of motherly figures. sometimes, you found it to be a bit overbearing, but most of them knew when to back off. they had all sort of been alternating trying to check on you. usually, you were mature enough to realize that there had to be a reason for them to be so overbearing, but with the added stress of everything, you hadn't.

marta was one of your favorites. the woman had immediately taken you under her wing whenever you came up from the academy. she was one of the players that you looked up to the most. she had played at barcelona since you could remember, truly a club legend. it was surreal sometimes knowing that she was cheering you on.

whenever you had sprinted off after blowing up at marta's girlfriend, caroline, you had been terrified. marta had every reason to be mad at you. hell, you were pretty mad at yourself for getting so mean with someone who truly just wanted to make sure that you were okay. you swore that you saw caroline's eyes begin to tear up as you raced away from everybody and everything as fast as you could.

"(y/n), what is going on with you?" marta was the last person that you expected to come after you. much to your surprise, marta wasn't outwardly angry with you. if anything, you just saw concern in her eyes as she stared down at you.

"i don't really know," you mumbled. it was true, you had no idea why you were feeling the way that you were. it was normal for teenagers to get a bit angsty and angry, but this felt out of control. no matter what you did or who you spent time with, your mood never seemed to improve. "nothing helps, it's like i can't relax."

"can i tell you what i think?" marta asked cautiously. you trusted her, and knew that she wouldn't say anything if you didn't want her to. there wasn't any harm in hearing her out, so you nodded your head for her to continue. "i think that you're exhausted. it's been pretty obvious to most of us for a while. we've all tried to tell you to slow down, but we can't make that decision for you. have you tried talking to your parents about how you feel?"

"my mom says that i should look into summer classes, but i have to test into them. she's worried that i won't make it in. my finals didn't look good, and she says that she wants what's best for me, but i don't know if i believe that anymore," you said. it felt nice to get it off of your chest.

"would it be okay if some of us talked to her? maybe alexia or irene can lead the charge if you think that it would help. none of us want to see you like this anymore. we miss our little chica, the little ball of happiness and energy." marta caressed your cheek, and you leaned into her hand. you were absolutely exhausted, and it was like a weight was lifted off of your chest for having finally spoken about your feelings.

"thank you, marta." her heart broke a little at how defeated you sounded. she hated that they had let things get this bad. "i should go apologize to caro, she looked upset."

"do not worry about that right now. most of the girls are in the gym. i think that mapi left a blanket in the locker room for you. please just take a nap and then we can all have a big talk later, vale?" marta asked hopefully. she breathed out a sigh of relief when you got up and walked to the locker room. around an hour and a half later, she found you fast asleep on the bench in front of caroline's locker. there was a note with your apology written out on it, as well as one to each of the girls that you had already snapped at that week.

"she's a good kid," alexia said as she glanced down at your body. it was blocking her seat in front of her own locker, but alexia was happy to move around you for the time being. she believed that you needed your rest more than she needed to sit.

"she really is," sandra agreed. "i think that i'm going to take her home for a little while. she can sleep at my house while we talk to her parents."

"will they listen?" irene asked. she had heard a lot of things about your parents, whether from sandra or you in passing that made her question whether or not they really had your best interests at heart.

"if they don't, ingrid and i will take her in," mapi promised. for a moment, there were a couple of skeptical looks thrown around, but alexia shut each of them down quickly. alexia could see the seriousness in mapi's eyes well enough to know that the woman meant it. you were like her little sister, and mapi just wanted to make sure that you were properly taken care of. she already felt like she had failed you for letting you get so stressed.

…

you let out a heavy sigh as you flopped back against your bed. it felt weird to think about. this was your bed in your room in your home. your parents' place had been your home once, but it didn't feel nearly as warm and safe as mapi and ingrid's apartment did. this was a place where your best interests were truly at heart, with your input included.

it was definitely sad leaving your parents behind, but they had been all too happy to sign you away. they didn't want to keep you around if you weren't going to listen to them. somehow, they had tried to turn this all around on you for failing them, but your teammates were quick to shut that down. alexia and the others hadn't even walked out before mapi and ingrid were pulling up to take you away.

"that was the last box chica. i was going to suggest that we take a break because ingrid is on her way back with pizza. do you want some time alone or would you like to watch some tv with me and alexia?" mapi asked you. a part of you wanted to sit and sulk about your parents letting you go, but the part of you that wanted to enjoy your new family won out. you shot off of your bed and followed mapi into the living room.

alexia was curled up with a blanket on the bigger couch in the living room. you and mapi seemed to have the same idea as you rushed over to either side of alexia. the two of you played a little game of tug of war that alexia helped you win. you cuddled up against alexia's side, nearly falling asleep before ingrid got back with pizza. it was definitely different than the environment that you were used to, but it was a heartily welcomed changed.

[mrsmnsn]

“Will you forgive me, please?”

Warnings: angst; eddie and reader are in a one year relationship; reader almost burst from stress; verbal fight; happy ending (the only right way, cuz i can’t stand when it ends sadly:)), no use of y/n (she is referred as sweetie/sweetheart), let me know if i’m missing something something

wc: 1.9k

summary: Reader is going crazy with how much is going on on her life. Studying for the final exams, work with terrible people. But on a weekend, when Eddie comes without warning you, you both fought for the first time in your relationship.

Being Eddie's girlfriend was the best part of your life. You loved him and the way he treated you. You've been together for a year now and, between this time, you got to know all sides of him. Goofy, funny, kind, sexy. But you've never seen him get mad. Pissed? Of course! All the time, he would be complaining about things or cursing other people who were assholes with him. But he was never mad, at least not with you.

But there was one specific time when you were having a terrible week. With the final exams, not to mention you mentoring other students, you were one step away from losing it. And there was your boss giving you the same speech all week because one of your co-workers snitched you for kissing your boyfriend at work. It was just a smooch!

"This girl's a bitch. Probably never touched a dick in her life!" That's what Eddie said to you.

But, by the end of the week, you were on edge. And being busy all the time, you never got the chance to spend a single minute with your boyfriend. But he would have to wait, the finals were more important now. Eddie didn't seem to agree. He showed up at your door with movies in his hands.

"Hey sweetie, i'm sorry i'm a little late. Had to kick some ass to get out of Family Video" You just hummed, trying to understand what was wrong with your calculus. "I'm great, thanks for asking!"

On his way he, unfortunately, met Jason at the same place. He didn't actually fought him, just some heated exchange of words. It got him a little pissed, but he was going to spend the night with you, so he pretended that he was fine. He was hoping that you would make him feel better.

"Eddie you can put the movie, i don't mind, but i'll not pay attention. I really need to review this"

"Yeah sweetheart, whatever you say" Of course. He was not listening, looking for some candies in your cabinet.

He sat by your side and kept talking to you. You were trying so hard not to cut him off, you really missed him, but you couldn't allow yourself that privilege of five minutes making out with him. So by the end of the first movie he brought, he started to say some curious facts about it but you let out a groan. "Fuck. Why physics were so hard?” You thought to yourself.

"Alright, stop. What the fuck? I've be trying to talk to you for the whole week, but you were too busy. Now that is your time to relax you're going to keep studying?" He said with a serious tone. At first you were quiet, waiting for him to calm down so you would not fight. But he said, louder this time "Say something, damn it!"

"What do you want me to say Eddie? I need to-" you were cut out

"Please, don't you think you studied enough? The whole week, is all you've been doing. You’re gonna burst into flames from thinking too much."He was now facing you, your book long forgotten as the both of you started to lose it.

"Well, for some of us, the constancy is required! I am not doing very good in this subject. I'm just trying to do my best and you should be doing the same." He shifted his body and giggled in a sarcastic way.

"Oh yes, let's remember that i was held back. So original. That's very dirty bellow the belt of you sweetheart." His facial expression was full of disappointment and anger.

"Can you not contort my words? I said as you should be doing your best too so you don't get held back again!" You regretted the time you said it. It was dirty of you and his eyes were not looking into yours anymore. "I know i was not very present this week, but can't you just wait 'till the goddamn exams to end. I don't know what happened for you be so rude but you shouldn't be taking it out on me!"

He was not looking at you, fidgeting with his rings, thinking of the right thing to say so you could stop fighting.

"All i wanted was to spend time with you, what the fuck is wrong with that?"

"There's nothing wrong, is just that i told you that i needed to get good at this."

"That's the fucking point, there's nothing to get better at, you've been working on it for so long, there is nothing new to see! Fuck, you’re not even answering when i talked to you."

"Stop being fucking dramatic Eddie! Do you think i like this, the way that i'm on the edge right now? Fighting with my boyfriend and friends, not having a fucking second to breathe because it feels like everything i do is wrong?"

"And i am the one dramatic. Let me give you a heads up. It's not the end of the fucking world if you fail a test. Besides, you couldn't do it even if you tried. You had to have sucked in the other tests to be held back, like me."

"Oh my god! Why don't you grow up a little and see how this is important to me? Look, we both are angry for some reason and are not in conditions to talk. I think is the best for the both of you for you to leave. So we don't hurt ourselves anymore."

"You always have to be so good and solve every damn problem, right? Only so in the end i can be the bad guy. Honestly, why are you the one to say what we should or shouldn't do?"

"Because it's my fucking house and i want you to leave!"

At this point, after wrestling and yelling at each other, you were with tears in your eyes panting without knowing what to do. Eddie gulped, stepped back and, not saying a word, he left.

The tears were rolling down your cheeks. Now there was no way you would focus on physics. You regretted so much. All the words said in the heat of the moment. You didn't mean any of them. And he probably didn't. You both said things to hurt each other in order to be right. Eddie was definitely upset about something, not just the lack of your attention. But now was not the time to find out.

——————

After a week, you finish every school exam and were finally free from school. And back in work, your co-worker was fired. She was caught fucking a random guy that you didn’t know on the boss’s office . “Guess Eddie was wrong�� you thought giggling but getting upset the second after. You both have been avoiding each other. Eddie didn’t want to bother you and you didn’t want to hurt him. But it was time. You were tired of tearing up every time you remembered your fight.

So, at the end of your shift, you drove to the trailer park. It was the first time you fought and you hated. The feeling was that, at any second, you would lose him.

Knocking at his door, you stood there, waiting for him.

“Coming.” You heard his muffled voice. When he opened the door, he had an annoyed expression that shifted to a concerned one once he saw it was you. He was shirtless, wet hair and sweatpants that hung low on his hips. You didn’t know if it was because of the long week not seeing him, but he looked incredibly handsome. “Hey” It was the only thing he could say, surprised by your appearance.

“Hi… Can we talk.” You said hesitant, not knowing where to start.

“Sure. Please” He opened the door wider letting you in. Guiding you on the couch, where you both sat in awkward silence. It didn’t even look like you two were together for a long time. “I assume you’re here to talk about last weekend.” You nodded trying your best not to cry already which was really hard because of the way he looked at you.

“Look Eddie, i don’t even know where to start. We both lost our senses and said terrible things we shouldn’t. I honestly feel like-“ A feeling you grew accustomed in the past week grew in your throat. You couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. “I felt like i was losing my mind and that everything i was doing was wrong. You were right. I was taking too much at once and i couldn’t take it.”

“No no no. Sweetheart, i was the wrong one. I was worried about you and my own shit and i put that on your shoulders.” He said whipping your cheeks. “And as i usually do, to run away from my problems, i pretended that none of that was happening and didn’t realize how important studying was for you. I am truly sorry for that and for the fight.”

You hugged him tightly. His hands surrounded your waist and his nose nestled on your neck, sniffing your sent. He’d missed you deeply. “I’m sorry too” you said softly and moving away just enough to see his face. “I just want you to know that i don’t meant shit from what i’ve said. That was awful of me. I felt awful. I hope you can forgive me.”

“Of course i forgive you, sweetie. I was supposed to be the one apologizing. I also didn’t mean any of that crap. You forgive me too?” He said giving you a smirk that made you giggle.

“Yes. But only if you tell me why you were so worked up that night.”

“Oh shit, you’re right. My week was not great either. You know how much i hate finals. Before going to yours, i stopped at Family Video and i met with Jason Carver. And well, you know the story, he calls me a freak and i pretend that he hurt my feelings. But that night, he started to talk shit about us, like you were way out of my league. And until then i was like, tell me something i don’t know. But then the son of a bitch called you a whore and that you probably sold yourself for one fuck in exchange for a review of any subject. And i was like “what the fuck dude?”. I just lost my mind. Thank the metal gods that Steve stopped me from beating his face.”

“Oh my god! You could have told me” You don’t even know why you said that. You literally fought because you were too into your studies.

“It’s alright. He normally doesn’t piss me off. But I just can’t accept him talking shit about you. As if he knew you enough to call you a whore.”

The good thing is that you got back to normal and cuddled for the rest of the day. Eddie wanted to stay close to you as much as he could, so he asked begged for you to stay over. So here you were, before going to sleep telling how much you loved each other.

“Good night baby” Even in the dark room, you could see his beautiful eyes looking at you with so much love

“Good night Eds” Closing your eyes ready to sleep, felling your man’s hand caressing you, you were sure that you were in heaven. Out of the sudden you remembered.

“Eds!” You turned fast to him scaring him a little “You won’t believe what happened.”

“What?” Poor man, he was half asleep. You giggled at his confused face.

“Apparently, that girl from work did a lot more than touching dick…”

“I told you she was a bitch. A man knows”

“Shut up”

*if you have any ideas/request/sugestions; please sent it to me, my inbox is open. :)

[rahuratna]

Hi Rahu!!! My Nanami-loving, schmutt-reading, STEM-girlie, critical-thinker friend! Today I bring up a character who I have been actively avoiding thinking about: the one and only Satoru Gojo.

My overall reactions to Gojo are very mixed. Season one, I didn’t really pay him any mind. Season two, his his fighting scenes though 🫣🫣🫣 Let’s say I finally understood the appeal.

This morning (it is 3 AM), I’d like to discuss Gojo’s perceived loneliness. Maybe another time, when I take a deeper dive into how Gojo’s powers actually work, we could talk about calculus? But these are just fragmented thoughts floating around my head. I just have random questions on when Gojo had to learn calculus for his technique (he seems like the type to sleep through the lessons… did Yaga force him to study??) and what happens if you duplicate a Gojo and divide his infinity by another infinity. You get indeterminate and what happens then?

Uhh, anyways 🙂‍↕️

——————————//——————————

Context: For me, I found it really hard to see Gojo as an individual person. Until recently, I only really payed attention to Gojo and Geto as a pair. That’s why I want to take some time to look at things through Gojo’s perspective of the transition to independence… because I’ve been actively procrastinating thinking about it despite drawing thirst traps of him—

Question: Is Gojo lonely? At first I said yes, but my only reason was because I solely focused on what he doesn’t have: Geto. And that’s quite simplistic of me. I didn’t acknowledge the type of relationships he had with his colleagues and his students because I only viewed Gojo as half of a pair to Geto. That is why I would like to revisit the reasons why I (and perhaps other members of the JJK community) think that Gojo is lonely, specifically through a comparative, discourse, thematic analysis the lenses of his different relationships.

Discussion: I think about how in our previous discussion, we talked about how Gojo did not need Geto anymore as a moral compass after the Riko incident. In this way, Gojo outgrew his friendship with Geto not only because of their different values (remember how their ideologies were always opposite of each others), but rather because of the extent to which they commit themselves to their ideals. This means that Gojo would not change who he is and his beliefs for Geto. It shows the beginning of Gojo’s independence as he becomes more rooted in the cause he fights for.

Is this independence— through motives and strength— a big factor into this perceived loneliness? Yes, I think so. He lost Geto because of the magnitude of their commitment to different beliefs, and his strength mitigates any room for reliance/codependence of his colleagues. But it also brings up the following question: to what extent does Gojo create meaningful connections with others besides Geto, and how does this change the initial hypothesis of perceived loneliness?

It is 4:00 AM and I am a slow and exhausted… so I’ll leave the conversation pretty much open and on this note:

I think it’s easy for an outside observer to compare Gojo’s connection with Geto with the one he had to his peers and his students. It initially seems so small compared to the enormity of what Gojo and Geto were. But that isn’t necessarily true. Here, the value of the different types of relationships we have are subjective. If I were to make a guess, Gojo does not undervalue his other relationships even if he’s not as close to them. He does not consciously put the value of relationships on a scale trying to determine which is more meaningful and which is less. Especially with his students. This is why I think that perhaps I had previously overestimated perceived loneliness. It was because of a narrow-minded outlook focusing only on loss rather than what he gained.

That’s it for now, but perhaps when I wake up I’ll be adding a couple more ideas that I missed in the comments. In general, I don’t think I added much that was insightful… it was more sort of a detailed prompt. But I think that’s cool too since I love hearing about what you have to say! Happy Friday, Rahu, and enjoy the weekend ahead!

Courtney 🧡💜

Hi Courtttttt!! @courtneedsleep *rubs hands* It's time to chat about Gojo! But seriously, thank you for this. I've been actively looking for a proper outlet to explore my own thoughts on this man, and you have PROVIDED. And I would LOVE a deep dive into the calculus, but I'm going to leave that for another juicy analysis, since this is one is already pretty long. 

I definitely saw the appeal of his character from the beginning, but like you, didn't really feel particularly attached to him. He was charming. He was funny. Obviously very powerful and exceptionally confident in his own abilities.

In the beginning, I didn't perceive him as particularly lonely, considering the flippancy with which he seemed to process deeper emotions. It was during the exchange event arc that I began to see the layers to his character.

The concern he showed for his students seemed overshadowed by his own devil-may-care attitude, but later highlighted the faith he had in their abilities. Outwardly, he seemed flippant, as always. But when I re-watched, in the context of what I learned about his character later, his actions took on a new significance.

It starts with his training of Yuuji and Yuuta. Gojo specifically selects these boys who are marked as pariahs, even in the jujutsu world, for the power and potential for great destruction they represent. He devotes himself to their training and shows delight at their development. I realised, as I continued watching, that this delight wasn't so much directed at the evolution  of their power, but the evolution of their souls and characters, things he knew would be singularly defining in their development as the powerful sorcerers they became.

Yuuji and Yuuta were later able to overcome fear, uncertainty, their own weaknesses and more importantly, embrace their own weaknesses in order to become not just very strong, but utterly exceptional sorcerers in their own right. A lot of this was not just due to Gojo's mentorship, but his unwavering belief in them.

On my first watch of season 1, I thought that he showed disappointingly little reaction when Yuuji 'died' after having his heart ripped out. Now knowing just what kind of losses Gojo suffered over time, and the brutal nature of the world of sorcery, I understand better just how much gravity he expressed when he thought that Yuuji was dead.

This brings me to the subject of his loneliness. You're absolutely right about the tendency to view him and Geto as a 'pair', and thus weave their character development inextricably together in our minds. I also had this tendency, when I started watching season 2, but I suppose my awareness of the potential depth of Gojo's character left me looking for more. I wanted to see this formative stage in his evolution as a sorcerer, how what happened with Geto might have transformed his thought processes on many things in the jujutsu world.

The significance of Geto to Gojo, and vice versa, cannot be understated. It is obvious, from their interaction, how much they valued and respected each other, and were also kindred spirits looking to right wrongs in jujutsu society. As we touched on in a previous discussion,  the rift came after Riko's death, and the manner in which they both processed that.

Gojo's independence, as much as it is flaunted, also has its limits. Throughout the time I noted the rift with Geto forming, I also wondered how much of Gojo's change also occurred because of the subtle brainwashing that came with being openly acknowledged (and self aware) as the 'strongest sorcerer' of modern times. In the end, he truly did become a weapon, as tragic a fate as the one suffered by Geto. His fierce belief that he HAD to enact some form of change in the jujutsu world was also a form of conditioning, based on his abilities. It was much easier for everyone to identify the flaws in Geto's thinking because he was on the wrong side. The curse user side.

Gojo's loneliness is apparent, but not because he doesn't have real connections, or people who care for him (and people he cares for). His interaction with Nanami, for me, is one that highlights this. Gojo's power is terrifying to those not on the same side, as seen in the Shibuya arc, where an entire plan (and many sacrifices) were foreseen by the enemy, simply to seal him away. And yet, he places so much value on leaving Yuuji in the care of a sorcerer like Nanami, someone strong, intelligent and competent, but not in the same league as Gojo, power-wise.

Why? Because, as we learn, Gojo does value compassion, heart, dedication to a cause, and the lives of the younger generation, all qualities and beliefs enshrined in the core of what makes Nanami the type of sorcerer he is. Gojo cares for Nanami and values him as a friend, not just because he is one of the old guard, but because he genuinely cherishes everything that Nanami represents as a sorcerer and a human being. He may have irritated the living daylights out of Nanami, but at the end of it all, they had each other to fall back on, when all else in the world of sorcery failed the very tenets of what they believed was right.

So, in what way was Gojo truly lonely? In the way that reaching the rarefied heights of true power can make you. He was alone in ability, in the precocious genius of sorcery he was, in the role he was subconsciously forced to take on as a natural result of what he represented in jujutsu society. Returning to the idea of his conditioning, he could have taken no responsilbility at all, maybe even followed the same path as Geto. But he didn't. Not even the bone-deep kinship he felt for Geto could turn him away from his core beliefs and the role he knew he needed to play,  not just for others, but for his own peace of mind.

One could say that Gojo's loneliness was self-imposed, in a sense. One could also take some comfort in the fact that this self-imposed isolation was precisely because of how much he cared for and valued those around him.

Gojo knew how much his students, colleagues and friends valued him. He knew the sacrifices they'd have to make, in order to survive the brutal world they existed in. He knew that like him, they'd experience loss, death (in some cases, their own), fear, moments of hopelessness, defeat and overwhelming odds. He also knew, with some unerring certainty, that they would rise above those challenges and face their fates with courage, dignity and the fierce hope that is born from experiencing true despair.

How did he know this? One can only speculate. I do think, however, that it stemmed from a torch he had passed on, an unquenchable fire, a tenacity that showcases itself clearly in his students and successors. Gojo had such faith that his will would be passed on, that they would win. In this, he was never truly alone.

Thank you for yet another beautiful analysis and ask (I rambled so much with this one, because I have so many THOUGHTS) and I appreciate all the analytical meals you feed me!

[jusvibbbin]

Graduation Frustrations

Kenickie x Reader: Epilogue 1

1 | 2 | 3

//my original trilogy is near and dear to my heart, and since its been popping off recently i’ve decided to write a few epilogue chapters for it :) i hope you enjoy and feel free to send me more grease requests <3

“I’m sorry kiddo, but it looks like you’re going to have to repeat senior year.”

Kenickie stared back at Mrs. Murdock, mouth slightly agape. The shop teacher awkwardly looked around the classroom as the rest of the class had started to pack up. Graduation was one month away and she knew that boy’s only chance was finals.

“REPEAT WHAT?!” Kenickie had finally processed what she had said.

“Come on, Kenickie. Are you really surprised? You’re passing my class but only because you actually showed up. How many times did you go to history? English?” She threw her hands up, exasperated, and walked over to her desk. Kenickie paused for a beat before following after her.

“What the hell do I do now?” He chewed his bottom lip, a nervous habit he developed years ago.

Mrs. Murdock looked at him and sighed, sitting in her chair.

“Study, kid. Study til you drop.”

At that, Kenickie rushed out the door.

--

Your head slipped off your hand and smacked against your desk with a loud thud. You groaned lightly as you sat back up. Looking out the window, it was much darker outside than you thought it should be.

A short knock at your door scared you out of your thoughts as you quickly tucked the ring on your necklace under your shirt.

“Come in!”

Your dad’s head poked around the door, an eyebrow raised behind his glasses.

“Shouldn’t you be in bed? I thought you had a big test tomorrow.” His eyes scanned the room carefully as he spoke and you rolled your eyes tiredly.

“Kenickie isn’t here, Dad. I’m studying calculus.” You stretched your arms and stood up from your chair. Glancing at the clock you realized he was right. Two a.m. was way too late.

“I know that.” He huffed lightly.

“I know you do.” You crossed the room to give him a hug before pushing him out of your room. You turned off your light and sat by your window. Hearing your dad shuffle back down the hall, you pulled the ring out. 

The engagement ring sparkled in the moonlight making you smile softly. It was beautiful, plain and simple. But would that be enough to ease your parents' worries? You still hadn’t found the right way to tell them Kenickie had proposed. You knew they liked him, but would they approve of him? He was your first relationship, a high school sweetheart. You sighed as you twirled the ring around your finger.

You decided you’d figure it out once finals were done. Right now all you needed to do was sleep.

--

“YOU DID WHAT?”

The T-Birds were utterly gobsmacked as Kenickie smirked proudly. Unlike yourself, he had told anybody who would listen that he had put a ring on your finger. His mom was overjoyed and started ringing all her friends to tell them the good news. 

“Kenickie freakin’ Murdoch is getting tied down?”

“A married man?”

“Never to be seen again?”

There was a cacophony of mock groans and weeping as Kenickie rolled his eyes. The only one of them who was quiet was Danny, who simply gave his old friend a genuine smile. He had already asked him to be his best man, the only guy around for the job, and Danny accepted wholeheartedly. Kenickie had waited to tell the rest of them because of this exact reaction.

“Don’t be so dramatic. You know (Y/N) doesn’t mind havin’ you idiots around.” The guys all whooped and high fived.

“Me on the other hand… I don’t know.” Kenickie chuckled as they shot skeptical looks his way. His face turned serious as he remembered why he was telling them all this in the first place.

“Look, we can talk about weddings all day long, but it’s not gonna happen if I don’t graduate. How the hell am I gonna pass five classes before the end of the year?”

The T-Birds grimaced then looked thoughtful as they tried to brainstorm any possible way for Kenickie Murdoch, the king of skipping class, to get passing grades.

“You could threaten all the teachers so they raise your grade,” Doody suggested.

“Yeah,” Sonny chimed in. “Just tell em that they’ll have to have you again next year!” He laughed loudly as the other boys just shook their heads.

“Why don’t you ask (Y/N) to help you cheat? You’ve got a couple classes together,” Putzie said. The T-Birds agreed with shrugs and ‘yeahs’, but Kenickie frowned. He wasn’t sure about getting you involved in his mess, especially if that put your reputation on the line.

“Why don’t you just pay some nerd to tell you what you need to know?” Danny piped up.

Kenickie grinned and slung his arm around his buddy’s shoulder.

“And that’s why you’re my best friggin’ man!”

The gang cheered and walked across campus to find just the right nerd.

As the bell rang on your calculus final, you breathed a sigh of relief. It was out of your hands now and that meant there was no point worrying. You picked up your things then headed back to your locker to find Kenickie waiting for you.

“Hey you,” you said with a smile as he opened your locker for you.

He sent a sheepish smile your way and you instantly narrowed your eyes.

“What is it, Nickie?”

“Do you think you could uh, introduce me to one of your smart friends?” He rubbed the back of his neck as he said this, and looked anywhere but at you. To no one’s surprise but the T-Birds, they didn’t exactly have the best track record with the ‘nerd community’ so finding help had been damn near impossible. You quirked your eyebrow and nudged his foot with yours. His eyes finally met yours and he turned a bit red. 

“Do you need help with something?” You made a slight face, a bit hurt he didn’t want your help. He scoffed and waved your comment away.

“No, no, no. Uh, Putzie needs some assistance with a history project.”

You gave him a suspicious look as Kenickie stood there starting to sweat.

“I think Alyssa Monroe has the extra time to help him out.”

Kenickie smiled and quickly kissed your cheek.

“Thanks, babe. He owes you one.”

You waved him off and he headed back down the hallway as you looked after him.

You walked up to your house, wondering about Kenickie the whole way. As you walked past the dining room, you noticed something glittering on the table. You took a couple steps backward to look again and to your horror, it was your engagement ring. Before you could snatch it, your parents came in from the kitchen.

“Hi sweetie, how were your tests?” Your mother sat down next to your father and motioned you to sit as well.

“Good,” you replied as you nervously took a seat.

“I found that on the bathroom counter this morning,” your dad remarked, picking it up. “It's a sparkler that's for sure. Where’d ya steal it from?”

“Dad!”

“I’m only kidding!”

Your mother rolled her eyes at his antics as she took the ring from him and handed it to you.

“You know you can tell us anything, sweetie.”

“Yeah honey. Most of the time we know already.” Your mother elbowed your father in the ribs as you squinted your eyes at them.

“Wait… you already knew? How?” You were utterly confused.

“Kenickie came by two months ago, asking if we’d accept him proposing to you. We said ‘of course’, you know we love that boy.” Your father beamed at you.

“We’ve been waiting for you to tell us,” your mother said, looking at you expectantly.

You hadn’t realized you were crying until you felt the first tear roll down your cheek.

“I was scared you wouldn’t approve. Not of Kenickie exactly, but the fact that we’re so inexperienced. He was my first boyfriend and now we’re getting married.” You let out a shaky breath as you processed what you had said. You two were really going to be together for the rest of your lives.

“Sweetheart, we just want you to be happy. If that boy makes you happy then who are we to say anything? No one is ever really ready.” Your mother grabbed your hand from across the table and your father reached to cover both.

“Thank you,” you said softly, feeling the stress from finals and the engagement finally fading away.

“No, the war of 1812 has nothing to do with the Spanish Inquisition. Are you even listening?” Alyssa Monroe had her head in her hands as Kenickie looked over his notes again.

“Shit, I wrote that on the wrong line,” he groaned as he erased and rewrote.

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell (Y/N) that you needed help,” she started. Kenickie shot her a look and she simply huffed before looking around the local library. It was getting dark and people were beginning to gather their things.

“Look, it’s getting late. How bad can your grades really be?”

“Really fucking bad, okay? Bad enough to get dumped. Okay, I’ll work on the history later, let’s go to geometry.” Kenickie pulled out another piece of paper. Alyssa stared at the greaser, wondering if anybody had ever seen him care about school before. She opened the textbook and started going over what he needed to know for the final.

--

After studying for days on end, Kenickie was ready to blow his teachers away. He had prepped as much as he could and thanked Alyssa tremendously. He tried to pay her but she declined, stating she’d rather consider it ‘volunteer hours.’

One by one, he blazed through his tests, even finishing early in history. All he had left was geometry. He was about to walk in when you grabbed his hand and tugged him around. 

“What’s up, hun?”

You pulled him down to plant a kiss on his lips then pulled away with a smile.

“Good luck, handsome.”

Kenickie flushed as a grin spread across his face. He squeezed your hand then headed into his final, confident as ever.

“A D-?! What the hell?”

You bit your lip, listening outside to Kenickie as his teacher graded his test on the spot. Mr. Roberts simply shrugged, and swiveled his chair away from him to do something else. Kenickie stood there, heartbroken as he looked at his test. He had been so close to just barely skating by. Now it was a wash and he would have to do it all again next year.

“Excuse me,” you piped up. Kenickie snapped his head up to look at you in the doorway. Mr. Roberts smiled as you walked in.

“(Y/N), one of my favorite students! You could learn a lot from this one, Murdoch.” He gushed over you as you looked over Kenickie’s final. Several moments went by until you set the test back on the mathematician’s desk.

“I don’t think you graded this right.”

The two men looked at you and then the test as Mr. Roberts picked it up again. He looked over it briefly before shaking his head.

“You must be mistaken. He missed several.”

You glared at the teacher, walking over to the board and writing all the problems he had marked incorrect. You began solving them and as Kenickie looked on, he realized his test looked like what you were writing.

You turned back to Mr. Roberts as he looked on shamefully.

“You don’t have to like him, but you have to treat and grade him fairly. Kenickie, you got a B-.”

Kenickie was sure he had stopped breathing. Here you were, his shy, sweet, brilliant fiance, telling off a teacher in your own nerdy way. And he was in awe of you.

Mr. Roberts changed his grade as the two of you walked out and headed to his car.

--

“Once again, a round of applause for our valedictorian, Patty Simcox. And now to introduce our honors students, our salutatorian, (Y/N) (L/N),” Principal McGee announced as you took to the stage. 

Kenickie cheered obnoxiously loud for you, as you stepped up to the mic. You were glowing with pride and all he could do was thank his lucky stars that he was yours. He thought about your year together and all its ups and downs. He thought about how you had changed him for the better in so many ways. And he thought about what you might look like on your wedding day. He hollered for you again as you got your diploma and you sent him an overjoyed smile. He had never been prouder. As the honors students left the stage, he made eye contact with Mr. Roberts and gave him the finger.

--

With graduation over and done with, the seniors had one last day of celebration at Rydell. The school had shelled out for a carnival on the field and everywhere you looked people were having a good time. You walked with Jan as she stuffed her face with cotton candy. 

“Isn’t this great?” She said with her mouth full. You laughed, nodding as you tore some of her cotton candy off the stick. The two of you walked over to where the T-Birds and the rest of the pink ladies were watching Danny and Kenickie compete at the shooting gallery. Kenickie grumbled as he lost by a few points until you slipped your hand in his. He smiled in that way that he saved just for you and let you drag him away when no one was looking.

“We’ve been so busy I feel like I’ve barely seen you.” Kenickie nodded in agreement as you stopped at a ring toss game. You pulled out a quarter to play while he stood by and watched you.

“Gonna win me somethin’?” He pointed at a long stuffed snake and you knew you just had to get it. A few quarters later, Kenickie had a brightly colored ‘scarf’ around his shoulders. The two of you walked, chatting about everyone else’s plans for after school, when you walked into the line for the ‘Tunnel of Love.’ You sent him a look but he just wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you close to him. As you got up to the operator, Kenickie slipped him a few bucks before you got in one of the cars shaped like a swan.

“What was that about?”

“I just wanna get some extra time for us,” he said as he pulled the bar over you both.

The ride started up and you cuddled into his side. You entered a dark tunnel that suddenly lit up with all sorts of colors and shapes. You looked around at everything, but all Kenickie looked at was you. Your eyes met him and you leaned forward to kiss him. He held you to him as you made out in the middle of the tunnel of love.

Around the corner you could hear the groans of the people in line as the operator lied that it was down for maintenance. You giggled into your kiss and Kenickie pulled away to chuckle too.

“We’re getting married.”

You opened your eyes to find him studying your face.

“I know. How do you feel about it?”

Kenickie thought for a moment as he played with the hair at the nape of your neck.

“I’m the most excited I’ve ever been. I’m happy that you said yes. And I’m hopin’ that I’ll be enough for you, forever.” His eyes flicked away as he finished and you put a hand on his cheek to guide them back to yours.

“I’m a little nervous too. But I know we’ll be okay, because I love you. And we make a great team.” Kenickie kissed your forehead before traveling down to leave hickies on your neck. You moaned softly which only spurred him on as he groped at your hips.

With a jolt the ride started up again, Kenickie letting out a frustrated noise which made you laugh. Blinking at the sudden sunlight, you exited the ride and walked around until the sun started to set. Everyone was standing around Kenickie’s car as the day ended, discussing where to go after.

“You guys have fun, I think I’m gonna head home,” you said with a smile as the other T-Birds begged you not to go. You waved to them and, as you turned to walk home you heard footsteps come up quickly behind you.

“Let me drive you, it’s getting dark,” Kenickie grabbed your hand to twirl you around. 

“It’s not that far.” But he had already started leading you back to the car, ranting and raving about how dangerous the neighborhood could be.

Parking in front of your house, Kenickie kissed your hand sweetly. You kissed his cheek and moved to get out, before he tugged you back gently. 

“Can I take you to lunch tomorrow?” You pulled an amused face as you nodded. Kenickie smiled and let you go, only driving off once he was sure you were safe inside.

--

Lunch had been simple, just a date at Frosty’s. But as he started to drive back to your house, you noticed Kenickie was going a very roundabout way to get there.

“Nickie, what’s up?”

“Huh? What do you mean? Ain’t nothing’s up.” Kenickie was not a very good liar, but there wasn’t much else you could do as he drove you in circles for another twenty minutes. Finally, he pulled into your driveway, getting out quickly to get the door for you. You punched his arm lightly at the gesture, starting to walk up the porch. You looked back to see him peering intently through a window before snapping his attention back to you, an awkward smile on his face. You narrowed your eyes and pushed open the door…

“SURPRISE!”

The lights were thrown on, a bottle of champagne was uncorked and a confetti cannon popped. You gazed around, startled, until you saw your family, friends, and a large banner that read ‘Happy Engagement!’ You started to tear up when the T-Birds brought a cake out of the kitchen.

“Ah shit, did we miss it?” Sonny exclaimed as everyone else just laughed.

You turned to Kenickie, who was standing by your parents, and it all clicked.

“How long have you been planning this?”

“Since he asked if he could propose to you! Isn’t that right, son?”

Kenickie looked at your father, mild shock written all over his face before he quickly nodded. You wrapped your arms around his neck, whispering how much you loved him in his ear. Kenickie grinned as he held your waist, appropriately in front of your parents of course.

As you pulled back to look at him, he looked slightly worried.

“What’s wrong?” You reached up to put a hand on his cheek.

“We still got a whole wedding to plan!”

You chuckled and planted a kiss on his lips.

“Well then, we better get started.”

[math-imagines]

Hello! Welcome to Math Imagines!

I'm Ray, amateur author and student of physics and mathematics. Have you ever struggled to do math and thought, "wow, I bet [a character] could explain this better than my teacher"? Well, now they can! This blog has two purposes:

Explanations of math concepts from your favorite characters

I study math concepts by explaining them to someone else, which is shown to actually be an effective way of gauging someones understanding of a topic

I'm studying integral calculus right now, so anything up to that point in most math subjects, I can write about. As I learn more, I'll update this post to encompass more subjects. The explanations will most likely be mainly text based with the exception of diagrams for the problems, but I might add images or drawings if I have time for some stories. I will write some stories based on my own interests and favorite characters, but I could definitely attempt to write for most fandoms! Additionally, if you'd rather not have math explained to you as the reader, I can also have a character explain the math concept to another canon character. All you need do is ask for it. Of course, I have final say on what I write, and I cannot guarantee I will write something for every ask.

Well, that's all, folks! Ask away! If you see and like my art or writing, but would rather not interact with me via math, that's okay too! My main is @rayayraphael.

[lord-heirop]

Fuck that's so many new followers i have to please uhhhhhhh, hi reddit welcome to my wizard cave! I'm gonna tell you about my campaigns bbeg Cain the lich now!

Cain Medical Kennedy was the son of the dentist Adam Medical and his wife Anastasia Medical. In their early life Cain and his brother Abel were very close, both very academically smart fellas. But Cain unlike his brother and rest of family didn't want to go into a high paying job but just wanted to be an Artist, while his brother supported his endeavours of becoming an artist, his father and mother highly dissaproved, from a young age introducing him to dentistry, including literally forcing him to do homework in his father's office, where his calculus homework often got interrupted by the buzzing of the well known tooth drill.

Cain thus steadily grew to resent his family, Wich lead to him resenting society for art to be considered a mere hobby and not a job.

Once the young medicals grew up, Abel went into Robotics and Transhumanism, gaining several degrees, Cain meanwhile got himself a art degree and a social studys degree, becoming a revolutionary.

Now this is all modern day, how does modern day stuff fit in with a medival setting DND campaign? Easy. Time is a flat fucking circle.

Cain who loved nature, and art and all, noticed, polution, caused by late stage capitalism. While he tried to stop it, his brother tried to dodge it, both very much with similar goals of survival.

Abels bosses had the great idea to open a portal to the plane of water, to drain all the accumulating water, but that failed and more water started pouring in, but this time with sea serpants, plan b, said Abels employers, "build robots to fight over the remaining turf". Abel abliged. But alas it was too late, the war, the flood, everything went down the drain, literally, Urth, their home became a big ball of water with few small islands dispurced everywhere. But by pure chance both brothers saved thenselfs. And eventually found land, were they settled, naming the City they founded "Uptop". Cain married, a beautiful orc woman named Mustard Kennedy, but his resentment for humans grew, greed, the way Urth was ruined, it tainted him. He wanted to fix his societys mistakes, he wanted to fix urth.vbut he needed time. So much time...

Eventually he found it. He had to become a lich, he discovered the ritual ... Somehow...

But it took a vital ingredient. His firstborns heart... With alot of hesitation and thinking, he took his oldest sons life to finish his ritual, becoming Cain the lich, or how he called himself "Novocain the lich".

He built the prototype for his ultimate plan, he wanted to start a iceage, by blocking out the sun. With his brother he build a Maschine, but upon finding out Abel refused to finish it, it lead to a fight, abd Cain hitting his brother over the head with a wrench paralyzing him. The prototype fired, and destroyed the moon before promptly breaking itself. Cain stole the blueprints abd ran with his family, leaving abel to die. But the townsfolk of uptop found him, saved him and built him a statue out of the scraps.

Thirty thousand years later, Cain finally has an army, and pinpointed all locations of needed parts, he mostly shoved the thought of the iceage to the side in favour of family. But on a fateful day a tree, the last of its kind, almost got chopped down, Wich sent him into a rampage, and in a quest to block out the sun and destroy sapient life, even tho all life in 30000 years never knew what happend, they were all their own species with cultures and customs, untained by capital or greed, but Cain's hazy lichdim induced insanity didn't rest...

And one the start of his quest for freezing the land, it do happened that a good for nothing human knight and a kenku bard would arrive at uptop, who will become the biggest foil his plan ever had. And for Abel? He merged with Maschines, becoming an island of steel

[kumeko]

A/N: For the Kingdom Hearts Halloween Zine! Twitches was my favourite Halloween movie as a child.

…

…

…

…

There were many, many exciting things Sora thought of when he considered October. The obvious—Halloween, pumpkins, candy, and spooky movies. The less obvious—the crunchy leaves, the bright colours, the warmth of his snuggly sweater. The most important—his birthday. All of these were just off the top of his head. If Sora needed to, he could come up with a hundred-page manifesto of why October was amazing. Except that sounded a lot like homework and he’d rather enjoy October than write about it.

Still, no matter how long that list was, the one thing that would never be on it was being cooped up inside the library studying. They weren’t even near a window, so Sora couldn’t even see the colourful trees. The only thing on the table in front of him were books and a mountain of lined paper. Grumpy, Sora rested his chin on his hands and stared across the table at his best friend, Riku. “Come on,” he whined, sticking out his bottom lip to make his pout even sadder. “Let’s do something fun.”

The stick-in-the-mud that he was, Riku completely ignored him, instead flipping through his notes like Sora hadn’t said a word. Of course he’d do that. The guy didn’t know the meaning of fun. Even his hair was white, devoid of any colour.

Sora was adaptable. If one best friend couldn’t answer the call, the other would. Turning to his right, Sora gave his biggest puppy eyes to Kairi. He should have done this from the start—she was his usual partner-in-crime, after all. “You’re bored too, right, Kairi?”

And while every other time she slacked off with him immediately, this time she sadly shook her head. “Sorry, Sora.” She groaned, burying her head in her hands. “I’m seriously going to fail calculus. And Mom said if I get anything less than a 60 in the midterms, she was going to take back my car.”

“And that’s why you’re studying now, so you don’t fail,” Riku finally responded, looking up. He gave her a sympathetic nod. “I’ll help.”

“Thanks.” She smiled at him gratefully. “I can’t believe I’m so bad at this. I was great at math in high school. How is this,” she gestured at the textbook in front of her, “so much harder?”

“It’s university.” Sora shrugged, idly picking up his notes and flipping through them. They were mostly doodles and thus utterly useless. He’d have to steal Riku’s later. “Isn’t it supposed to be harder?”

“And aren’t you supposed to study more?” Riku retorted, his tone disdainful. He plucked one of Sora’s notes before he could react, rolling his eyes as he saw the stick figures. “Seriously, Sora, you’re going to fail if you don’t study.”

“I study enough,” Sora argued, crossing his arms. They’d had this same argument since high school. He was certain they’d have this same argument when he was 80, though he wasn’t sure what for. Sora would be ‘too lazy’ and Riku would be ‘perfect’ and one of these days, Sora would actually win the argument. Maybe that would also happen when he was 80. “We’ve been studying all day, we can take a little break.”

“The test is in two days.” Riku looked at him incredulously. Reaching forward, he tapped on the book in front of Sora. “You haven’t made it past the first chapter.”

“It’s a hard chapter!” Sora defended himself, yanking the book out of reach. “And I haven’t been sleeping well, so you know, it’s hard to focus.”

“You haven’t?” Concerned, Kairi leaned closer and inspected his face. Whistling softly, she frowned and squeezed his shoulder. “You have raccoon eyes! What’s wrong?”

“He’s been playing video games again,” Riku snarked immediately, but despite his tone, he was also watching Sora.

“It wasn’t that!” Sora growled. “I had this really weird dream…” He bit his lip, trying to put together the scattered images he’d seen in his sleep. “There was this tall, white castle filled with these white, uh, noodly monsters. And this boy—he kinda looked like me, you know, but also not really. Like, his hair was blonde, and he was sitting on this throne fast asleep.”

“A dream,” Riku stated slowly, giving him a long look. “You’re crying over a nightmare.”

“I’m not crying and it wasn’t just a dream,” Sora mumbled lamely, feeling foolish even as he said that. In the light of day, the dream felt far away. “It was like I was actually there.”

“Vivid dreams are kinda scary,” Kairi agreed, taking his hand gently. She pressed the pads of her fingers against his skin, massaging his palm. “I thought I took the test already and when I woke up, it took me a while to figure out where I was.”

“Want me to hold your hand tonight, Sora?” Riku smirked, condescension dripping in his tone. “Or do you need a nightlight?”

“I’m not a kid!” Sora grumbled, wanting nothing more than to sink into his chair. Maybe it had been only a dream, after all. Sure, it had felt real at the time—the sound of his steps in the white castle, the way the monsters invaded the castle. There had been two other boys there with him, two boys that looked identical, but he could never see their eyes. One was always asleep and the other—every time Sora turned to look at him, he woke up.

But it had only been a dream. He should never have told Riku; he had never let go of anything in his life. Sora would hear about this until they were 80 too.

Maybe he should think about getting a new best friend.

Sensing his glumness, Kairi suggested brightly, “Hey, why don’t we get some snacks? We have been working a long time. A little cake and coffee wouldn’t hurt anyone.”

“Didn’t you get a cavity recently?” Riku pointed out, raising a brow. “And you want cake?”

“It goes well with coffee.” She smiled disarmingly, and Sora felt a pang of envy. Kairi was so good at convincing Riku to agree; he could only do it when they argued. Well, that was why they worked together, but he wanted to get better at tricking him.

“And I’m hungry,” Sora added, moaning softly as he rubbed his belly. “Brains need sugar, right?”

“Is that the only thing you picked up from biology? And you’re always hungry, idiot.” Riku rolled his eyes, not convinced. He also wasn’t saying no either, so it would only take one more push.

“I’ll grab the cake, Sora gets the coffee, and you can guard the books.” Kairi patted the table. “And we’ll be back in like, twenty minutes, and then we can study.”

Riku snorted, shooting them a look of disbelief. “You’re just going to goof off.”

“I never goof off.” Sora clutched his chest dramatically, mortally wounded. “You just don’t know what fun is.”

Before Riku could argue, Kairi batted her eyes and smiled innocently. “I said no to Sora earlier, remember. We won’t go anywhere else, just there and back.”

“Please,” Sora pleaded and they both gave him identical puppy eyes.

Riku frowned. Brow furrowed and utterly doubtful, he looked from one to the other before sighing. “Fine. Fifteen minutes.”

“Perfect!” Kairi hooked an arm through Sora’s. “We’ll be back soon.”

And then she promptly dragged Sora out of the library. Sensing some sort of scheme, he kept quiet until they were safely away from prying eyes. “So?”

“So we get coffee and cake.” Kairi let go and shrugged. “You go to Starbucks, I’ll go to that cute bakery I’ve been dying to try.”

Sora stared at her, not buying it. “Starbucks?”

“Yes, the one that’s at the corner of Twilight and Destiny.” Kairi smiled angelically.

He wasn’t fooled in the least. “There’s a closer one.”

“Yes but…” she trailed off purposely, leaning forward. When he obliged and leaned closer to her, she whispered, “There’s a guy there that looks just like you. It’s really freaky.”

“Seriously?” Sora gaped, unable to imagine it. A guy who looked just like him—for a moment, he remembered his dreams, that aching familiarity of it all, but that was silly. It had only been a dream. “Why didn’t we go earlier?”

“Because it took me forever to figure out his shift! I only bumped into him randomly, when you weren’t there.” Kairi shrugged. “You’re bored anyways, right? I’m doing you a favour, really.”

Somehow, he doubted that.

-x-

A white castle stood, surrounded by darkness. No, not darkness—from the parapets, Roxas could see tiny pricks of light against the black. It was a mass of shadow monsters, of Heartless, and they threatened to overrun the castle gates at any moment.

“We have to go!”

Someone grabbed his hand. In the gloom, Roxas could barely make out the stranger’s brown hair. He knew this person. There was an aching familiarity to it all.

“We have to save Ventus.”

He didn’t know that name. He did know that name. Somehow, both facts were true at the same time. An image flashed across his mind, of a white throne and a boy identical to him sitting on it. The boy was asleep, surrounded by a mass of white monsters.

“We have to—”

Roxas stared at the ceiling. At a bare minimum, he’d hoped to wake up less tired than yesterday, but that was asking for the impossible, apparently. No, instead he had to have yet another strange dream.  He held up his hand, staring at it. It was strange; it had felt so real. Even now, he could feel that other person’s hand in his own.

Yet, it had only been a dream.

“Roxas! You’re going to be late!” Aqua yelled. The scent of burnt toast wafted into his room, even though the kitchen was on the opposite side of the house. How she managed to do that every morning, he didn’t know.

“What time is it?” he groaned, rolling over. He stared at his wall, covered end-to-end with his drawings. He’d sketched the castle and Ventus so many times, but he could never find the real-life place that must have inspired the dreams.

“Nine,” Aqua shouted back. “Do you ever set an alarm?”

“I turn it—” Roxas froze. Nine. He only had an hour to get to work. Scrambling out of bed, he ran to the bathroom. “Why didn’t you say anything earlier?”

He was skating on thin ice as it was with his manager. If he was late yet another day—he shuddered to think about it. It was hard enough paying for college on his own; his part-time job just barely helped them make ends meet. While his friend Namine shared a shift with him today, she was a terrible liar and any cover story she gave would be torn apart in minutes.

Jumping down the stairs, he dashed into the kitchen. There, his adoptive sister was calmly sitting at the table, munching on black toast as she watched him. Slyly, she reached out and ruffled his hair. “You’re a mess.”

“Hey!” He swatted her hand away and stepped back. Glaring at her, he smoothened his hair. “You know how long that took!”

“Maybe you should wake up earlier?” Aqua took another bite and gestured at the second plate she’d set up for him. It was relieving to see that it didn’t look half as charcoaled as hers. “Like, if you actually went to sleep at night, you’d wake up with your alarm.”

“I know, I know, it’s just…” Roxas rubbed his arm, not sure how to explain it. There was just this energy in him at night, something that felt almost magical. There was a reason he’d always done his homework and art in the middle of the night but saying it as an adult felt silly. “I’m just…more awake at night.”

“That’s because your sleep cycle is ruined.” Aqua frowned, noticing his eyes. “Did you have another one of those nightmares?”

“Yeah. It’s the same as last time.” Roxas shrugged, not wanting to get into it. It wasn’t like talking about it could change things.

“You’ve been having it for years, maybe we should get someone to look into it.” Aqua sighed, reaching over to squeeze his shoulder affectionately. “But we’ll talk about that later—you’re running late.”

Roxas swore.

-x-

Sora stood in front of the Starbucks counter, staring at the cashier. He smiled back awkwardly. “What would you like to order?”

First point, Sora was never that nervous or awkward around anyone. So it couldn’t be personality that made Kairi say they looked the same. It couldn’t be looks either—the cashier was blonde and Sora was a brunette. Did Kairi become colour-blind when he wasn’t looking? Their eyes were kinda similar, maybe, but that’s just because they were both blue.

“Um, are you going to order?” the cashier asked again, looking extremely uncomfortable.

Well, at least no one else was in the store to complain if he didn’t. Sora glanced at his name tag. Roxas. That didn’t even sound like his name! All they had were some of the same letters. “Is there another cashier?”

Roxas’s brow furrowed for a moment before he gave a carefully blank expression. “Namine isn’t on right now, but she’s not interested—”

“Whoa!” Sora held up his hands immediately and shook his head. “I w-w-wasn’t asking for a date.” Ok, maybe he did get nervous sometimes. Clearing his throat, he clarified, “I mean, do you have a cashier that looks like me?”

Roxas looked even more confused, if possible, and he slowly shook his head. “No.”

“And you’re the only one working now?”

“Yes.” Now Roxas was looking at him as if he’d grown two heads and Sora couldn’t blame him. Honestly, this all sounded really crazy. “Are you going to order?”

Sora sighed. Kairi must have pranked him. When he got back, it was revenge time. “Can I get—”

What happened next could only be described as magic. Above the counter, a glowing circle appeared, looking like a sci-fi hologram. The wind picked up—they were inside a building, how could wind pick up?—and napkins and paper cups swirled around them. It was like standing in the eye of a storm.

Suddenly, two figures fell out of the circle, crashing on the counter hard. And just like that, it was over. The Starbucks goods fell to the ground. The wind stopped. The two strangers stayed.

“WHA—?” he yelped, stumbling backwards.

“Gosh, Donald, do you think we got to the right place?” One of the prone figures slowly got up, looking around.

“Of course we did, I’m never wrong,” the other snapped back, rubbing his head after rolling off the counter.

Sora rubbed his eyes. It didn’t change anything. In front of him stood a giant, humanoid dog and a short, angry duck. They spoke English. He glanced at Roxas, who looked as dumbfounded as he did. “Do you see…” he trailed off, gesturing at the creatures.

Roxas pinched his cheek before nodding. “Yeah.”

Standing now, the fully clothed dog-man pounced on Sora before he could react. “Gosh, Sora, you’re so big now!” He turned to Roxas and started to sniffle. “You too, Roxas.”

“Of course they’re big, it’s been years!” the duck angrily quacked. He was only wearing a shirt. Did that make him half-naked? Sora wasn’t sure if he wanted to follow that thought. “And quit crying, we don’t have time for that.”

“We always have time for hugs, Donald,” the dog argued, letting go of Sora and chasing after Roxas. For something that big and clumsy looking, he was surprisingly fast and almost fell on Roxas in his attempt to hug him.

“No, we don’t!” Angry, Donald the duck marched over to Sora and grabbed his hand. Donald had hands. Not wings, hands.

Sora wondered if he’d just fallen asleep at the library and the last fifteen minutes were a dream.

Still embracing Roxas tightly, the dog waddled toward them. “We do! Times infinity!”

“Goofy, I am going to—” Donald took a deep breath and shook his head. “No more distractions! We need to get to Castle Oblivion.”

“Castle Oblivion?” Sora shook himself out of his stupor. Why did that sound so familiar? The image of a white castle flashed before his eyes. His dream. His recurring, realistic dream.

“Your home! Ventus is waiting for you guys!” Goofy chimed in, letting go of Roxas. Unintentionally, the four of them now stood in a circle now.

“Ventus?” Roxas repeated, looking utterly shocked. “But…that’s a dream?”

“A dream?” It couldn’t be, could it?

“You can’t have forgotten Ventus.” Goofy looked despondent as he grabbed Roxas’s and Sora’s hands. “You’re triplets, you can’t forget family.”

“TRIPLETS?” Sora and Roxas shouted at the same time.

Before they could get any answers, another white circle appeared above them. The wind picked up. The last thought that Sora had before he disappeared was Riku’s going to kill me.

[sid-is-a-gym-leader]

* pesters you back because rotomblr etiquette *

- @fairymime

I need to know, what are the supposed occupational hazards of being a trainer? It's usually your pokémon getting blasted, not you, so what makes it 'dangerous' to become one? I think you're the person who I've seen get a pokémon the latest, too, what did you do when someone looked at you in the eyes until you got your klefki?

Also, private school? What school doesn't teach battle studies? + if you're still indecisive between steel and fairy, have you ever thought of getting a tinkatink/tinkaton to raise? It'd give you a bit more time to think, and it's a small pokémon if you ignore the. Hammer. It's quite a wonderful paldean fairy, and if I wasn't allergic to most metal I would try to get my hands on an egg : }

Hellooo :D

My parents both have "normal" jobs, aka not pokemon related, and actually do not have any companions. It's a personal choice, but it's also due to bad experiences in their past. My mother in particular tragically lost her starter pokemon back when she was journeying.

I didn't grow up surrounded with pokemons, which is the reason why they intrigued me so much. I just wanted to know what is was like to live with them... to be fair i wasnt "forbidden" to get one, but i would have to do so once i was out of the house, so very late compared to most kids.

My mom always told me that pokemons were very powerful and could hurt me if i wasnt careful, and that it was unreasonable for a young child to get one. Pokemon-related accidents are not unheard of, but i think deep down what she's really scared of is that i would go through the same thing she did and lose my pokemon. I know for how she talks about him that she really loved her fennekin.

About battles... x) I'm a little ashamed of it but i didnt use to go out a lot when i was younger. With my super protective parents it was better for me to just stay at home...where i could play pokemon games allll day on my ds :v If i couldnt get the real thing at least I could have the closest equivalent lol. I also spent a lot of time on pokemon showdown virtually battling people, so i could still "train" in a way.

On the occasion when ppl did look me in the eyes i would just sheepishly tell them i didnt have one... trainers are very enthusiastic but once the shock wore off they would leave me alone x) or i would just walk with friends who had mons and watch them battle. I actually have a school friend who is quite good at battling, moreso because she likes to be good at everything than out of any interest in being a trainer.

My school is specialized in teaching what i call "boring" jobs : aka ones that involve no pokemon. Basically a lot of theoritical stuff like math, laws, physics.... we do touch on pokemon but we rarely interact with them for example. And all the faculty staff pokemon are either meant to help do certain task (my math teacher has an adorable Elgyem that helps us with calculus) or for companionship, no battle pokemon. Battles are actually forbidden on campus. Not that we actually follow that rule...

It's a pretty strange way to operate compared to most schools, hence why it's private. I know a lot of people whose parents are also freaked out about pokemon... or they think that pokemon battling is not a "real" job.

Your school sounds awesome tho. You should tell me about it. I'd love to hear what battle studies classes are like x)

Also you had a great idea with Tinkaton. Well my parents would not be happy abt the Hammer(tm) but hey im 18 ! Almost out of there. Actually since I was looking for a pokemon that deals a lot of damage that would just be perfect. Finally someone to blast the ppl that hurt my klefki into the stratosphere !!! Do you know where i can find eggs ? I thought my only option was to trek to Paldea lol.

Sorry if I talked too much, but tysm for the questions :D

[hours2hours]

THE HAWKINS PARADOX: CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Houses in Matlock Beach are oddly scattered from above. It spreads out a few square kilometers, but the space is mostly trees. It’s pretty to look at without a doubt, but something about its disarray always bothered Mateo and I. When the bank accounts ran dry, we pleaded with dad to find somewhere in the city to live. He’d say we couldn’t afford it, but we knew it was a lie. He’d say something about a new beginning, but I always knew he’d cling to the familiar. Maybe he thinks mom’s hometown will help learn something about her, maybe he wants to remember falling in love here. But this place took my brother, dad took away the life I’d finally accepted and placed me in a cage.  

Though, I did meet these weirdos, so all isn’t lost. 

“Is Joel still showing up?” I ask.

Annie clicks away at her phone, glances up. “Hmm, nope. Mum and dad Hawkins said he could come home if he stayed after school ‘till he caught up.”

“At least he might pass,” I mumble.

Annie shrugs, “I’m sure you can handle some time away from him… right?”

I’m not sure what Annie is suggesting exactly, I push the thoughts from my mind. Otto taps a finger against his watch, not looking away from his calculus notes. “...and if Annie would like to pass with him, I’d suggest we get back to it.”

School is probably the last thing on my mind, but I figured I could still hang out with Annie and Otto rather than brood alone. Maybe my classes will give me an extension under the circumstances, but my averages are high enough that if I miss exams entirely, I’ll still pass just fine.

Mateo was going into art school, but he was waiting another year because we were going to go together. He loved helping me with assignments just for fun, and it was the last thing we ever did together.

Annie doesn’t seem too focused on studying either, her eyes slowly shift from the horizon to me. “Maybe some school will take your mind off things?” She suggests.

“It won’t…” I trail off. “All I can think about is this video I saw, Joel and I-”

“Yeah he showed me,” Annie interrupts. “It was pretty scary.”

“Now whenever I look at the paper I just hear that mumbling, the last possible clue I have. And I still can’t figure out what he’s saying.” Mumblings and ticking clocks, I wonder if they’ll still be with me in my asylum cell. 

Annie hops into an upright sitting position. “Couldn’t make it out better than you two, or anyone else. But I’ll keep trying man.”

“Thanks Annie, I dunno what I’d do without you guys.”

“Out here we watch each others backs ‘cause no one else will, and we will figure it out.”

“You won’t explain it without context,” Otto interjects. “If you know nothing about the inflection of the one speaking then you’ll never figure it out. You need opinions from more people.”

“That’s a good point Otto,” I glance backward at him. “You’re smart, wanna give it a listen?”

Otto shrugs, and Annie quickly pulls a chair next to him, tossing a pair of earbuds on the table. He cranks up the volume and bites the inside of his cheek. An eyebrow raises, he rewinds again, again, and again. He mouths something to himself and plays through once more, then stops, face scrunched in deep thought. “Could it have been something about a cave?”

“A cave?” Annie looks at me.

“Let me see that.” 

Mumblings repeat obsessively, the first three words remain gibberish, but cave fits neatly in the fourth. I keep listening, closing my eyes to focus. “... cave … the cave … back to the cave we go.” The sickening voice reveals itself to me. In a sing songy voice it repeats, “Back to the cave we go we go, back to the cave we go!” Interrupted by horse, wet cackling.

“Back to the cave,” I say out loud. Annie snatches the phone from my hands along with the earbuds. She listens, and mouths the words as they go by.

“Back to the cave…” Annie reflects. “Okay, how does that help?” She and Otto look at me as if I should already have the answer.

“How am I supposed to know?!” I exclaim, unable to work this new information through my brain. “Mateo never mentioned a cave, why would they go back to it anyways? Unless…”

Damn you and your mystery Mateo, what could a cave possibly have to do with your attacker? Why did you show up that day covered in grime with the thousand-yard stare? How could you leave for days on end and not tell me anything? We used to share everything, but the person who disappeared didn’t. I don’t know where you were or why you came home bleeding and covered in dirt on that day, or what weird things you were drawing.

The realization is driven though my brain like a bullet, and before I know it I’m snatching my school bag from the ground. 

Annie’s eyes have grown wide in suspense, “Unless what?”

I take the sketchbook in my hands, weighing its hidden pages kept dark out of respect. Taking the book felt wrong, but I thought Mateo would have wanted me to finish what we started. Mateo showed me a lot of the things he worked on, but he also kept a lot hidden. Sometimes the things you draw are things that you need to keep for yourself, you don’t have to share every piece of yourself with the world, or even your family, and that’s okay. I know Mateo didn’t want every part of him exposed, and I wanted to honour that fact after he was gone. 

So I hope he’ll forgive me for this.

I flip to the end of the book full of half finished monster sketches and dark scenery. When I was little those drawings terrified me, I’d even make him sleep in my room I was so scared. My dad always said that monsters aren’t real, but it never made me feel any better. Mateo would tell me that monsters are real, they can be cruel like us, and they could love like us. To him they were like humans who couldn’t help looking the way they did, that monsters who hurt for the sake of evil didn’t exist. A week ago I might agree, but not anymore.

At at the end of all those dark pages is the image I was looking for. That odd place he scribbled the day he came home, a crude drawing of a cave entrance encircled by messy text.

“Miles, what is this?” Otto’s mouth hangs open in awe. My eyes sweep over each paragraph, mostly gibberish sprawled unevenly around the drawing, with few coherent sentences.

I read, “I found it in that book first, folklore of black tendrils reaching into the sky. Lead me down this insane rabbit hole im not sure i could crawl out of if i wanted to.” The rest of the paragraph remains unintelligible. 

Even Annie’s permanently smug face hangs low in dread.

“The first two expeditions lead to nothing but dead ends. After hours on hours of nothing, I left when a rat took a bite out of my ankle. After the third trip I’d cement a path through the maze…” Continuing along the paragraphs, almost nothing else legible. I try to slow down my furious eyes to make it out, but instead throw the book aside in frustration. In the end it was his shitty handwriting that would take answers from me, of all possible things. Mateo’s inexperience with writing shows in the chaos, but hints to more than that, a jitter to the text. What did he see that could shake him this way?

The pages blow in the light breeze, Otto picks up the book. Annie gingerly places a hand on my shoulder. “This sucks Miles, I know. But we have to find something out of this. It’s your brother we’re talking about, so instead let’s think it through.”

“You’re right, you’re right.” I reach to Otto for the book, but he hesitates. He stares into another page for a while, that bewildered look still stuck to his face. ‘Sorry,” he hands it back.

This time I check the neighboring pages. More gibberish, more scribbles, but these scribbles seem odd compared to everything else my brother made. They follow a lightning bolt-shaped path, sometimes branching off into dead ends marked by an X, but all lead to one spot marked with a circle. “A map?” I question.

“So Mateo got too into spelunking,” Annie replies. “Great, we have everything except where it actually is.”

My suspicions are all but confirmed when we come across a printed map of Matlock Beach. Many similar paths lead through woods, but only one spot is circled. It’s exactly what I was afraid of. “I know where it is, and if Otto’s right then he might still be there!”

“Miles?” Otto‘s tone drips with distrust. “What are you not telling us?”

 “Before he disappeared he had been missing for two days, he came home all dirty and banged up- and now this? He found someone in that cave and now- now- they brought him back.”

“Easy,” Otto places a flat hand against my back. “Why don’t you let me have another look at those?” 

I hand it over without much thought, then look to Annie who’s eyes well and drip. “He might be in there Annie, and if there’s even a chance I’m going to look.”

“That’s why I’m coming.” 

“You don’t have to, I’ll be fine.”

“Im sure you will. If you have a shot to save your brother then I want to. I’m coming.” Annie starts down the ladder.

We both look to Otto, cross legged staring into the book as if he could fall in. “I’m coming too.”

Annie stops, “Seriously?”

“Mateo could be in danger,” he states robotically. It’s seems out of character from the bookworm, especially with exams so close.

Once Annie and I make way down the stairs, there’s a near-silent tearing of paper from above. At the bottom he hands the book back, I flip through to find the map but meet the very last page by mistake. After a moment of pause, a thought: This could be the last thing Mateo ever wrote, dated the very same day he died.

This time I decide to keep it to myself. It reads, “I found it a few days ago. The rock had eroded, cracked under my weight. When I finally came across it’s casket the floor crumbled, I barely made it out alive. But it’s whispers echoed along the halls muttering the same nonsense over and over. 

I think I let it out.

When I left the cave for the last time and looked backward, I could have sworn I saw it. But then I went home, saw it again, and again. Everywhere I go it’s eyes are watching me. It’s outside my window right now. It thinks its blending in but i can hear it muttering. Hours to hours. 

The Matlock Devil is real, and I don’t know that I can be forgiven for what happens next.”

[boyfhee]

no no no apologies, you can reply to my asks whenever you want. i missed talking to you too, my fever has been with me for the past two days. it increased to 103 today and i thought i would die due to headache :( but i am too, excited for romance : untold, she gonna be my fav i think. did you see the tracklist??? we gotta talk about it ㅠㅠ

i will definitely ask you like a whole manhwa recs cause i wanna read them too >_< i haven't seen the kdramas you have mentioned (adapted from the manhwa) but i think i will read them once i am ready for it, since conselling is this week. i will be busy :] hehe

same >//< i like workplace romance + historical romance and those fantasy romance too, i think i would be addicted too so i will reward myself if i study daily hehe i mean code and study calculus daily :p

pls pls i thought what craze is there for anime not until my friend recommended me jjk to watch, i was heart broken, devasted amd then at that time, after completing the movie and s1 ㅠㅠ i, i got the news of ded kitkat :( soo it sad for me amd then silent voice 😭 i am glad i started watching animeno, because when i started watching anime, last year aug, all the good anime were completed, especially aot — mikasa and eren <333 i havent watched it the way people were hyped for the finale on 4th nov. i remember it still fresh :( huhu help! even i watched the movies you mentioned hehe… i watched 5cm per sec too and i could understand the feelings there, the deep connections they had (≡人≡；)

haikyuu, my 10th friends begged me to watch it but i think I'll give it a try later since you are saying it is cute >_< whatever you say is good, i go see or watch or read that ;)

yea, i thought the books they were recommendeding were fluff not until i saw the comments so i stopped watching those kinds of reels :/ please tell me more others like that, even i wanna read, just recommend me the books you read + the authors work you have mentioned pleaseeee (i thought you were talking about bsd until i realised they were real authors!! dazai sucode mf ㅠㅠ)

thanks fo reading till here amd then from the day you answer this ask, we will be talking on Instagram i guess?? i love you, good night sweetheart, ^3^ muah~

— lover club anon

can this fever leave u alr :/ u should sleep it off :D how was your movie today ?? did u go or did you skip because of fever :O i hope you feel better today >< i've seen the tracklist and seeing jvke there made me so happy TT i know the album is a banger aaa i can't wait to hear it

you should def watch the kdramas i mentioned when you have time because they're just so so cute ^_^ and the manhwas are adorable too >< lmk ur fav genres and tropes and i will make a detailed rec list for u :D workplace romance and historical are so 🙁💗 also love me some cute family guy .. like i read daytime star and it's so so cute and fluffy omg TT i need what the main couples have there please ... also, i hope ur counselling goes well ^^

jjk being first anime is a different kind of trauma 💗 ALSO me and my brother started aot together and dropped it withing ten minutes lmfao TT i kinda want to watch more movies .. maybe i will tomorrow ><

for book recs uhh i haven't read that many actually .. but i've really liked the one's that i did so i hope you like them too ^_^

kafka on the shore by murakami

no longer human ++ setting sun by osamu dazai

crime and punishment by fydor dostoevsky

the silent patient by alex michaelides ( SO GOOD )

girl on the train by paula hawkins

death on the nile by agatha christie ( has a movie too )

to kill a mocking bird by harper lee

the vegetarian by han kang ( if u love murakami u will love this )

seven years of darkness by you-jeong jeong

i think that's all for now .. i've read a few others but the ones i mentioned above stick out the most to me. if you read, do let me know if u like it :D love u mwah

[polaraaace]

Tales of my Calculus 2 professor because I’m still not sure how I feel about the guy

Opened the first class by telling us that he failed Calc 2 the first time he took it and barely scraped through the second time. This ended up being much more encouraging than it should have been

He spoke so. Slowly. And punctuated his lectures with. Dramatic pauses. Which sounds great, and it did set a pace that wasn’t overwhelming, but it was extremely distracting and it caused me to start thinking of him as Professor Shatner

I had taken Calc 1 online with a different school than my community college, so I was a little apprehensive about any possible differences in the curricula. I emailed my professor asking to meet during his office hours the day after the first lecture but never got a reply. I assumed he’d be there during his pre-posted office hours, so I showed up and waited 30 minutes. He finally answered my email saying there would be no office hours that day with no further explanation

After that, I brought my Calc 1 notes to the second Calc 2 lecture. He skimmed through it—including looking closely at the very last page, which summarized everything I had learned about integration up to that point, and simply said “this is great note-taking! Keep it up this semester!”

The day before the first test, I was studying in my school’s math tutoring center when I realized I had no idea how to integrate the square root of x squared plus nine. I called over Professor Shatner for help since he was nearby, and he said “that’s u-substitution,” like I should know what that was. (In his defense he thought I should have since the college I was at for calc 2 covered it at the end of calc 1, though the college I did calc 1 with covered it at the beginning of calc 2.) When I asked “what’s u-substitution?” he told me to get on Khan Academy and resumed eating his lunch. He managed to deliver that whole interaction without seeming rude at all, just preoccupied by his casserole

The next day I emailed him explaining the school difference situation (again) and asking for lectures on the topic I’d missed. He was really nice and sent over a couple of his own recorded lectures. I fully intended to watch these but never did because by the time I remembered I had picked up what I needed to know by watching Professor Shatner do u-substitution problems like the class already knew how to do them

He would let us ask for help with calc 1 stuff (except for u-substitution) on tests

The standards for homework were kind of insane. He would assign a list of problems at the start of every unit, and we had to turn in either a stapled packet or email him a PDF of our work on the day of the test. It had to be “professional,” but he refused to elaborate on what that meant. He did show us an example from last semester and mention that he had docked a point because the student didn’t leave enough space between words

Told us to use Desmos for any graphs because he “didn’t want to see (our) ugly scribbled graphs”

His wedding was the Thursday we were supposed to start the second unit, but he had scheduled that and his honeymoon so that he could be back the following Tuesday. Unfortunately, that’s not quite how it played out—his flight home got delayed a day, and then he got sick, so he returned to campus a week later than he’d planned. He later said he’d missed 13 days of work, which was more than he’d ever done before, and the only way that was possible is if he counted weekends as work days

I was kind of shocked when I found out he had married a woman

I had a field trip for another class the day of the second test, so he scheduled an appointment with me to take it the day after

Unfortunately, because I was taking 18 units, reading some pretty dense books for fun, and kind of depressed, I barely studied for the second test and didn’t even come close to finishing the homework. It didn’t help that I struggled with that chapter to begin with and Professor Shatner’s extended absence meant we had to teach ourselves from recorded lectures through a lot of it

I came into his office the day before I was supposed to take the test on the verge of tears to explain the situation and ask if I could just skip the test and get a 0 on the whole unit “to spare us both.” He looked at me like I was suggesting he throw me out a window and said gently, “just take the test at the time we scheduled and you’ll do what you can”

I showed up the next day at the time we agreed on in the room we agreed on and he wasn’t there. I waited 5 minutes. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. Nothing. I checked his office repeatedly. I went around peeking into every classroom in the math building. I emailed him, trying not to sound as frantic as I felt. I finally started asking every math faculty member I could find if they knew where Professor Shatner might be. They had no clue. Hours after the scheduled time, he replied to my email saying he wasn’t on campus that day and set another time for me to take the test

I tried to use the extra time to study but it wasn’t enough. I came into the room, sat down, and started crying silently as I fumbled through the test knowing I was going to fail. I had written “I’m so sorry :( I promise I’ll do better next time” on the homework as a pre-emptive measure, and I apologized again on the test

I did fail that test. Badly. But I did the math to check and he gave me the minimum number of points needed to keep me above an overall failing grade, and when I brought up the possibility of dropping the course he encouraged me to see it through despite just having warned the whole class that if we thought we might fail we should drop and retake it

He also allowed people who had dropped the class to keep attending the lectures so they could keep up and be prepared for when they retook it

He didn’t let us keep our tests after they were graded. If we wanted to go over them, we had to do it there in class or schedule office hours with him

The one time I scheduled office hours with him to go over a test, he wasn’t there. I had to use process of elimination to track him down to the math tutoring center

On the third homework assignment, he only gave me a 14/15 because I hadn’t drawn the arrows on a graph exactly how he wanted me to but didn’t leave any notes or comments on my work explaining what I did wrong until I directly asked him. I’m still pissed about that

When I asked him if I should skip math the semester after and re-teach myself calc 2, he told me I should charge straight into calc 3 and specifically wanted me in his class. His lecture didn’t fit with my schedule but his help and encouragement

He would go off on tangents about how AI was going to change everything and he was worried about how it would jeopardize his students’ future careers, but he also encouraged us to use things like Wolfram Alpha to help teach ourselves

Loved to say that math was a language, which really resonated with me. Unfortunately, this led to some jarring quirks like him ending every problem with a period because he compared equations to sentences

Attendance/participation wasn’t mandatory and he recorded all of his lectures and uploaded them to Canvas, but still had a very high attendance rate

When I brought up the idea of skipping math for a semester to re-teach myself Calc 2, he encouraged me to push forward into calc 3 even though my major didn’t require it. I trusted him, so here I am now. I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or not

When I ran into him just before my first calc 3 test this semester, he told me, “come back and tell me about it when you get that big A!” I ended up getting a C, but his faith in me is still helping

[lowreyglobalconsultants]

Is Chat GPT a good replacement for learning a language? (part 1)

It's a legitimate question. Of course I am biased as a language instructor, I want to shout 'no!' I have already spent time in classes arguing why it is not a healthy path to take, but my counter-arguments are thinning out as the technology gets better.

Around this time last year, I had just heard about Chat GPT when a few students were rumbling about it. I thought it was just a chat bot like a lot of websites use, so I brushed it aside. When I finally read about it, I had to check it out. I did as a lot of people did the first time, entering into an argument about which movie robot character was the GOAT (Greatest of All Time) or launching into some juvenile chat thread. It impressed me suitably. Since then, I got it to write a sales e-mail for me, correct my Japanese in another e-mail I was writing and help me with a difficult calculus question I was studying.

Math has been a tough one for me and it was here that I had my first instance where I doubted the integrity of the AI's ability. It gave me a wrong answer. It was a minor miracle that I could spot that the answer was wrong in the first place, if I was relying on it as my tutor, I was in trouble! When I called it on its error, it did remind me that it is a language engine, not a mathematical one but it left me wondering where else it might let us down.

I then started searching the web for articles about Chat GPT's accuracy and I found an article where they asked the AI service to write a summary of a book. It gave a great description and school-worthy report that would have scored top marks. The thing is, the book didn't exist! Okay, I can't find the link, but here is a case where it summarizes a book completely incorrectly. And here are some links where Chat GPT makes up reference lists with non-existent resources (LINK) (LINK).

On top of these academic shortcomings, last year I was trying out a job representing a beverage-related company and asked Chat GPT to give me a list of up and coming beverage companies in Japan. You guessed it, the list contained all companies that don't exist at all.

I have a theory of why this is. You can imagine the panic spreading from educational institutes over the implications of having such a powerful automatic writing tool available for free. The integrity of schools is in peril as more and more students are handing in Chat GPT generated reports as we speak. The key is to build in some fallibility to deter students from cheating. The prospect of saving themselves hours of research which would take previous generations months to compile is too alluring for young students. Therefore, the mistakes are put in on purpose to keep it a fun, yet powerful service for students. But business owners know that it can be adapted for business needs and help make money for the developers.

This chink in the armor is one reason why I would not trust the new powerful AI sites to handle a company's communication requirements. When you consider how important communication is for the success of your business, you can see why it is better to stay in control of your destiny by doing the communication yourself.

[nuk3baljeet]

FINALS

Long as I have lived on this Earth I have never felt a greater feeling of relief than when I suffered through my three finals and finished the semester as a hollow shell of my former self. Okay well maybe that is not entirely true. There was that one time I drank an entire liter of tea only to realize three hours later that I needed to go to the bathroom. I couldn't just use any bathroom. However, as per school policy, I had to walk half a mile across the school to use the bathroom. Add the metronomic pitter-patter of freezing rain onto my shoulders, and you have the single greatest test of self-control in human history. But I'm getting sidetracked let's get back. This semester has been the epitome of self-inflicted suffering.

I want to talk about how the second-year Physics course I'm taking strongly recommends taking multivar calc. The reason for this recommendation became abundantly clear about halfway through the semester when my math class was introducing vectors and my physics class was asking me to use the order of the gauge equation to find new charges and polyatomic systems. So, in addition to my workload for my three STEM classes, I was spending the weekends learning bits of linear algebra, functional calculus, and other math problems. 'Hey dude, do you want to go out tonight? You've been in your room all day looking at that textbook. You literally have not left your room except to get food. Have you even seen sunlight today? Your windows are closed,' my friend said. I replied, 'I need to study. I refuse to be in the same classes as these people in college.'

So, I redeveloped a caffeine addiction I thought I had lost junior year of high school. I kept my room at a constant 62°F and blasted music so loud that people on the other side of my house could hear it. Maybe that's why nobody in my neighborhood wants to hang out with me. Now that I think about it, it couldn't possibly be because I never talk to them or because my personality is flatter than the Earth. Anyway, my circadian rhythm being fried like a KFC drumstick was more than just annoying; it actually almost cost me my physics midterm. I woke up just an hour before the exam, thinking the entire time that the exam was tomorrow. Had it not been for my aforementioned mathematical ineptitude, I would have never opened the group chat to beg the then-second-years for help. Seeing people talking about how the exam was today, I remember actually choking on my toothbrush and immediately running back to my room, toothbrush still in my mouth, to cram the last chapter of content I procrastinated, all the while cursing all the way through the phone. My Wi-Fi and data all gave up on me, like I did on my hopes and dreams. I've never been happy again. I mean, haha, never mind.

With all of this in mind I was determined not to mess up ,so I made up my mind and decided to study four hours a day. I lost myself in my basement for the week leading up by only  watching ten hours of YouTube every day because I had no motivation. It wasn't until the weekend before exam week that I realized just how big of a hole I had dug myself into and I got my act together and actually did well on these exams which is good because it means I'm not going to fail out of college. Fun times!

[sunnyrosewritesstuff]

Okay so I can’t draw Ange, but here is my DIY nevertheless. 😂 This was meant to be a sort of birthday gift and I’m SO SORRY that it took me forever to get out. But I really hope you enjoy some parental Haddotin and that I did Ange justice. 😉

The Adventures of Ange Begins

Ange really had meant to tell them beforehand. It has been on the tip of their tongue for so long. It was just…they knew how their fathers were going to react, and it was much easier to be at ‘the point of no return’ when they mentioned it. Ange played with the zipper on their jacket as they waited for the phone to dial out. It rang twice before it was promptly picked up.

“Haddock residence?” An older voice greeted.

Ange smiled. “Hi, Nestor. It’s me. Are Papa or Daddy available?”

“Of course, Ange! One moment please.”

Ange smiled as they were put on hold, imagining Nestor would be hovering in the background during the call as they were most likely put on speaker phone. It was fine though. Ange wanted Nestor to know as well, and Uncle Calculus too for that matter. In fact, both would have been easier to convince, but they did have more sense than to try and pull something like that.

“Ange! How are you? How’s your film project coming along?” Their papa’s voice came through first.

Of course before they could utter a word, Daddy’s loud, booming voice filled the receiver. 

“Mon petite lupin (My little bunny)! When are you going to come back home and visit your dear old dads? It’s been so long…”

“I know, Daddy. And I will soon, but…I’m actually headed out of town today. It’s for my film project. But I promise to be back at Moulinsart when I’m back!”

It was silent on the other end, and Ange had to keep themself from fidgeting in place like they were fifteen all over again.

“How far out of town?” Papa’s flat tone finally questioned.

Ange could practically visualize the ginger man’s face pulled down in thought as if he were trying to solve one of his puzzles. 

“...South America?”

“Oh my!”

“Blistering barnacles!”

“Great snakes!”

Ange had to fight off the urge to sigh. This was exactly what they had been dreading.

“Can we still get plane tickets this late?” Daddy questioned.

“I’ll have to make some calls, but if we pack now I bet we can still make it. What time does your plane leave, Ange?”

“I board in about ten minutes.”

There was silence again, but this was a different kind of silence. It was like Ange could physically feel their papa’s disappointment seeping through the phone.

“You see, I’m doing a documentary on Andean mountain cats and why they are becoming endangered, and well…I have to be in the Andes to film Andean mountain cats.” They laughed nervously.

“Alone?” Daddy asked, aghast.

“No, I’m being smart. Onu Skut is going to pick me up from the airport and fly me up the mountains. And then I’m meeting a nature guide and a wildlife expert who will be camping with me for the next six weeks. My advisor vetted them and everything.”

“Six weeks?!” Daddy complained.

“What are their names specifically?” Papa demanded.

Ange passed the names over easily. Dr. Kitty Oncilla had been studying wild cats in South America for the past sixteen years, and from her emails, seemed very excited about having Ange out to exploit the dangerous superstitions and misconceptions endangering the species. Brayan was a good friend of Tharkey, and all it took was mentioning Ange was a Haddock before the mountain climber was enthusiastically agreeing to Ange’s request. So really there was nothing for their papa to be worried about. Ange was a responsible adult, and certainly behaving as such. They felt like they could be afforded a little trust at this point.

Daddy’s voice suddenly roared through the receiver as he repeated the names, forcing Ange to pull the phone as far away from their ear as they could. That had to mean Uncle Calculus had now joined in the conversation as the man’s hearing had only worsened in his old age despite his claims that he absolutely does not need a hearing aid yet.

“Tell them to look up an old colleague of mine when they get there! Her name is Oncilla. Kitty Oncilla.”

Ange couldn’t help but beam smugly knowing Papa would have no choice but accept Ange’s decision now.

“You could have told us sooner.” He finally stated.

A pang of guilt hit Ange hard. 

“I know. And I am sorry. I just wanted you to see that I am an adult now, and I’m ready to start having my own adventures. Like you and Daddy.”

“No! Not like Papa and Daddy.” Nestor pleaded, causing Ange to laugh.

“Look, I’ll come by the estate the moment I land back in Belgium, and I absolutely promise not to keep you out of the loop again. Okay?”

“And we’ll hold you to that.” Daddy’s warm voice was gentle and reassuring on Ange’s nerves. “Now, have fun. Take lots of footage, and call us when you can. We love you.”

Ange felt their heart swelling under the immense gratitude they felt for having their fathers support. 

“Thanks, Daddy! I will try to call, but I can’t promise anything. I love you too! Talk to you when I get back!”

Ange hung up the phone just in time to hear their flight being called over the speaker. In a hurry to get to their gate, it never occurred to them just how quiet their Papa got by the end of the call. 

***

Haddock heaved a heavy sigh after Ange hung up. He had thought dropping them off at uni had been hard. This, on the other hand, was almost unbearable. Of course, he was at least taking it better of the two of them. His arm that was slung around Tintin’s shoulders slowly started to rub up and down his partner’s arm as the younger continued to glare at the phone. 

No matter how much he tried to deny it, Haddock knew Tintin always had a problem with how much of himself he saw in Ange. Haddock, of course, absolutely adored it. However, it was the image of Ange getting stuffed in a trunk, shot at, or any of the other dangerous stints Tintin had been known for at their age that seemed to be what kept him up the most at night. Ange being only a few hours away at uni had been an adjustment, but eventually one he had been able to accept as Tintin could still get to them if they were in trouble. Now they were headed half a world away.

He placed a gentle kiss on the top of his ginger head.

“They’ll be fine. We’ve raised a very smart and adaptable young adult. They can do this.”

“That’s just it though.” Tintin murmured. “I didn’t raise them at all for this. Did they know what to pack? Do they know how to start a fire without matches? Do they know what to do in the event of a landslide? A rockslide? An avalanche? There was so much to prepare them for, and they didn’t let me do any of it!”

Tintin tensed as he took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a sharp exhale. He only took a moment’s pause before he shoved Haddock’s hand off, storming out of the room.

“I need to do some research on a damn Andean mountain cat.”

Haddock watched him go with a frown. The last time he had seen Tintin this worked up was right after Milou passed. One thing was for certain, this was going to be a long six weeks.

**One week later**

“There’s a storm coming in off the coast of Chile!” Tintin declared. “What part of the Andes did Ange say they would be in?”

Haddock and Nestor both shrugged which only seemed to work Tintin up more. 

“The Andes stretches across SIX different South American countries! Why did no one think to question them on that?”

“You know what you could do.” Haddock suggested. “You could call Skut and find out where exactly he dropped them off at.”

Tintin blinked as if such a thought never occurred to him before walking out of the room. He returned five minutes later, slumping down beside Haddock.

“They’re in Peru.”

“That’s good to know.”

**Three weeks later**

“What if they run into poachers? What if they run into mountain lions? I’m just saying it’s a good tool for them to have!”

“You want to fly all the way to Peru to give your child a gun?” Haddock asked skeptically.

Tintin paused as if flummoxed by his reaction. “Don’t you think…?”

“NO!” Haddock, Calculus, and Nestor chimed in together.

**Five weeks later**

Tintin calmly walked into the study and took a seat next to Haddock on the couch where he was reading the morning paper. At first the former captain was set to ignore him knowing his love was being more than a little irrational lately and was most likely gearing up for another ‘rescue Ange’ argument. However, after two minutes he just couldn’t take it anymore.

“For the love of Poseidon, Tintin! What? What in the name of all that is good in this world could it possibly be this time?!”

Tintin opened their mouth when Haddock jumped to his feet, throwing his paper to the ground.

“Are the small little mountain cats they’re going to film actually vicious fiends? Is there a cave in that range that actually belongs to a sordid gang of lowlife ruffians? Come on, out with it!”

“Ah-ha!” Tintin declared, jumping to his feet triumphantly. “You’ve been just as worried as I have.”

“Well, of course I’ve been worried! What parent wouldn’t be?! But I’ve had faith that any child of yours would be able to get themself out of most trouble they could find themself in! And then you bring me these nightmare scenarios!”

“Only because we’ve lived these nightmare scenarios! And Ange doesn’t even have anyone to watch their back like I did.”

“YOU WENT TO AMERICA AND TOOK ON GANGSTERS WITH NO ONE BUT YOUR DOG!”

“RIGHT! I HAD BACK-UP!”

Haddock ran a hand under his hat and through his graying hair. Why was he married to the most stubborn man in the world?

“Are you going to tell me what it is you found out or are you going to make me guess it?” Haddock demanded, locking eyes with the younger fiend.

Tintin smirked. “You know the kid who inherited Rastapopoulos’ fortune?”

“Yes.” Haddock growled.

“Who I said there was no way he just stuck with fashion when he had a mentor like him?”

“Yes…”

“Who…”

“Oh! Just say it Tintin!”

“He’s in Peru, illegally hunting wild cats for his new fur line, and guess which one tops his list?”

Haddock stood motionless for a long moment. Longer than Tintin was expecting if his raised eyebrow was anything to go off. However, as the red started to seep into his cheeks, Tintin’s expression quickly morphed to smug satisfaction.

“BABY-SNATCHER! POACHER! OVERPRICED FASHION DISASTER! IF HE HARMS ONE HAIR ON OUR ANGE’S HEAD THAT HEIR OF A SMUGGLER WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO ME!”

March was almost too calm a word as Haddock practically stampeded down the stairs much to the shock of Nestor and Calculus. Tintin trailed behind much like the cat who got the cream, more than happy to let Haddock rant and rave all the way to Peru.

“CALL WHOEVER YOU HAVE TO BUT WE’RE GOING TO SOUTH AMERICA TONIGHT! IF I HAVE TO DRIVE TO THE COAST AND SWIM TO PERU SO BE IT!”

Haddock wrenched the door open much to the surprise of the person on the other side, hand posed to knock. Fathers and child blinked at each other for a good two to three seconds before Haddock and Tintin threw their arms around them.

“ANGE!”

Ange leaned into the hug, tired and sore, but no worse for wear. Haddock was quite convinced he would never let them go again when he looked down to find a pair of beady eyes peeking back at him from under their collar. With a yelp, he stumbled backwards only to fall completely off the stoop. Ange laughed as Tintin stared at their passenger curiously.

“Sorry Daddy. This is Cannelle (Cinnamon). He’s a chinchilla who was quite content to hitchhike back home with me.”

Haddock started grumbling about sneaky rodents as he slowly pulled himself back to his feet. 

“What happened, Ange? I thought you weren’t supposed to be back for another week?” Tintin asked innocently, earning Haddock’s glare.

As if he hadn’t just roused Haddock’s ire to go forcibly fetch them back. 

“It’s a bit of a long story. But it’s a good one!” Ange explained as Tintin guided them in the house with a hand on their back. “So it started when we encountered these poachers…”

Haddock froze in the doorway, before slapping a hand over his eyes. He didn’t care what Tintin said. If his child was going to go down this path, he was going to take up his pipe again. His nerves needed it.

Finally got the chance to draw Ange properly and I am satisfied with the result!

I would love to see your versions of them (not necessarily this pose) so see it as a DIY with no deadline and if anyone wants to try it feel free❣

Character info follows under the cut:

Ange Haddock has been using they/them since their teenage years.

They were born on Friday, 13 May. If you ask Ange this explains their clumsiness and bad luck that leads to dangers and misadventures. If you ask Nestor is the genes' fault.

Even as an adult, Ange continues calling Tintin Papa and Haddock Daddy. Calculus is still their dearest uncle and godfather and Nestor is just Nestor.

Affected by Papa's journalism and fascinated by new technological advances but not letting their artistic nature fall behind, they aspire to be a documentarist.

After art school, they travel the world searching for topics for their documentaries.

Ange loves all animals but especially hedgehogs, hamsters, and guinea pigs. They never get another dog or cat as they could never replace Milou and Chatton.

The standing-up quiff is Papa's work as his effort to tame Ange's unruled hair since a baby. Ange continues to do it by force of habit later in life.

The beanie is a favourite accessory for them; they haven't stopped wearing it since their teenage years. Before that, it was a variety of hats (baseball caps, floppy hats, berets, etc.).

They're really kind and well-mannered but, most of the time unintentionally, use Daddy's special swearing words. Despite everyone's efforts, Ange could never stop this habit. The least to say is Daddy is proud.

They try to keep in touch with all their family (all the uncles and aunts) but writing, in general, isn't their best skill so, despite a few letters, they prefer calls and, if they get the chance, visits.

Ange's home will always be Marlinspike Mansion and after every trip, they return there.

I have many ideas for Ange, their life and their adventures, and even their own friends! If you're interested I could share more and maybe someday I could show Ange's stories properly, who knows?

[whoistartaglia]

it was just your luck that al haitham happened to be the only one on the fourth floor of the library when you arrived, laptop and notebook in hand. 

you looked at him; he, at you. 

“what are you doing here?” he demanded. 

“this is a library,” you snapped, chosing to sit at the farthest table from his. “i’m here to study.”

and study… is what you tried to do. after only thirty minutes, your notebook was scrawled with crossed out work and wrong answers to problems and one too many question marks. your midterm was tomorrow and you were not ready. not in the slightest. 

you sighed in frustration when your computer, in bold red letters, said your solution was wrong for what felt like the thousandth time. 

al haitham looked at you. “what’s wrong with you?”

“nothing,” you said off-handedly, your focus on the problem in front of you. you didn’t even notice when al haitham moved to sit next to you. 

“that doesn’t seem like nothing,” he said. you looked up, about to tell him off, but was caught off-guard at the look in his eyes. 

his stare was intense, like he was analyzing you, trying to pick you apart like you were your calculus problems. 

“i just… don’t get series,” you found yourself confessing. 

al haitham was silent for a while, and you thought the conversation was over. turning back to your laptop, you scrolled to find a new practice problem, yet before you could write it down, al haitham finally spoke again. 

“i can help you,” al haitham said. your head snapped back towards him. he mildly added, “if you want, of course.”

“i…” you hesitated. did al haitham just offer to help you? you, of all people?

“you…?” al haitham asked after you sat there, staring at him with your mouth slightly agape. 

“i… you— you know how to find series?” you asked, coming out of your stupor. “my class just started them and no one can do them.”

“you’re in calc two,” he said. then shrugged. “i’m in calc three.”

a pause. and then another pause. and then—

“you’re in calc three?” you exploded. “but you’re a freshman too— what? how?”

“i took some courses in high school,” al haitham said. “but nevermind that.”

he tapped your notebook, and you looked down at the ugly, scribbed mess of numbers—what was left of a taylor series—he was pointing to. 

“your mistake—although easy to make—messed up your entire solution,” al haitham said. gesturing to another disaster of eraser makes and graphite smudges, “this one you just… did wrong. there’s no other way to say it.”

you glared at him. “i didn’t say i needed your help.”

“so you don’t want it?”

“i didn’t say that either,” you grumbled. 

you snatched your pencil off the table and slowly began going over your work and fixing your mistakes, al haitham guiding you the entire time. you had to admit, studying like this was rather pleasant. nice, even. 

it made you think that maybe al haitham wasn’t so bad after all.

you thought things were going well, until the end of your study session. 

almost three in the morning, al haitham leaned back in his chair after you got another problem wrong. you had another crying session after the initial one, and al haitham had been encourging. but now he only looked contemplative. 

“should i do another like that one?” you asked, already searching for similar example on your laptop. maybe if you just did one more problem, you would get it right—

“[name].” you looked up. al haitham was sitting forward now, and he gently shut your laptop down. with a sincerity you had never seen before, he said very softly, “i think it’s best we end here for tonight.”

“oh… do you think i’m ready for tomorrow then?”

al haitham pursed his lips. “you’re as ready as i’m able to get you tonight.”

you looked down at your lap, reading between the lines of what he wasn’t telling you. 

“you think i’m going to fail.”

“i think… i think you just need some rest.” al haitham stood. “come on. i’ll walk you back to your dorm.”

you stared down at your notebook. a part of you wanted to stay here and continue studying, but the smarter part of you knew that, like all the other several times tonight, al haitham was right. you needed sleep, badly. and so with a heavy sigh, you grabbed your things and headed towards the exit behind you. 

“thank you,” you said when you and al haitham were out of the library. “i... umm. i appreciated your help. even if it was unexpected.”

“yeah, well. if you dropped out, things wouldn’t be as… fun around here,” he said. under his breath, he mumbled, “although, i’m not convinced you still won’t.”

you ignored that last comment. “does this mean you don’t totally hate me?”

al haitham was silent for a while. you thought to repeat the question, until he replied, so quietly you had to strain to hear it, “i never did.”

[jakesimfromstatefarm]

notoriously yours | jay park

✰ summary: jay park is a rich kid. it’s safe to say he has everything every broke college student on his campus could dream of and more. but the one thing he doesn’t have, which money definitely can’t buy, is a girlfriend. and his friends won’t see of it. literally.

so what happens when his friends bet him to date someone for more than three months? what happens when jay decides that fake-dating someone would be easier than actual dating (because god forbid Jay–the campus’ notoriously known fuckboy–decides to commit to something once in his life)?

and what happens when that someone is you, his childhood best friend he hasn’t spoken to in years..who has absolutely no interest in being in his life anymore?

✰ pairing: jay park x y/n [ft. members of enha]

✰ genre: fluff, comedy, angst | fakedating!au, college!au, childhoodbestfriends!au, (kinda) e2l!au

✰ warnings: cursing, nothing suggestive but jay's a fuckboy so slightly suggestive themes, mentions of parental neglect/leaving, it's hella long (and i thought my last fic was long)

✰ wc: 14.7k (how did i get it this long oh lord)

✰ author's note: picture creds go to original owners/editors! peep that edit of jay that lowkey inspired this entire fic 👀also this took me so, so long bc i lost motivation half way thru and bc college is a thing,,,so i honestly don't know how to feel abt it so pls bare with me :')))) ALSO the dividers are weird bc idk how to add more than 10 pics for the dividers so pls excuse those ٩(× ×)۶i hope u guys enjoy!! <333

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

Jay Park is a rich kid.

Jay Park has enough to buy every textbook he needs for his courses without having to look up the free versions online. Jay Park has enough to bribe his professors to let him pass every class with a perfect 4.0 GPA (but because the boy has morals, he doesn't). Jay Park has enough to afford a car to drive to his furthest class from his dorm building instead of walk or bike like every other college student, meaning he also has enough to afford a parking spot on campus (those things aren't cheap!).

Jay Park walks around your school's campus like he owns the place (and considering the amount of money his family has donated to the school, he practically does), looking like he just walked out of your local coffee shop's newest fashion magazine. His blonde hair is never seen untouched, his attire usually consisting of an undoubtedly high-end all-black fit, accessorized with multiple earrings and rings that probably cost more than all the overpriced textbooks you had to rent out this semester. It's safe to say that everyone knows Jay Park.

Bottom line is, Jay Park has everything.

Well, his friends beg to differ.

In their eyes, Jay Park has everything but a simple factor in the equation of love (or whatever love is to the minds of a couple of 19 year olds): commitment.

So yes, it's safe to say that everyone knows Jay Park. Because everyone knows he's the campus' rich fuckboy. (What's a college fanfic campus without one anyways?)

Jay doesn't go unreminded of this by his friends, to the boy's annoyance.

Jay is aware of this on a Sunday afternoon, in his dorm building's first floor lounge, where he and his said friends are having a study session.

They're doing anything but studying.

In fact, no one has any books out or anything. Not a single laptop in site.

"You don't think it's the slightly bit concerning?" Jake's words are muffled as he continues munching on the fried chicken that he spent majority of this study session debating if he should have it delivered through UberEats or not.

"I really don't, no," Jay shrugs as he continues mindlessly scrolling through his Instagram feed. They're having the same argument conversation that they've revisited multiple times over the course of their friendship, one that Jay has been lectured on too many times for his own good. He thinks his friends could become his new parents if they really tried.

"Look at it this way, okay. You're about to graduate college in a couple of years, into the big world. Like the actual, adult world. And that means you'll have to settle down. Which you can't do when you. have. no. commitment!" Jake punctuates each word with a single clap of his hands, desperate to get his point across.

Jay simply rolls his eyes. He looks over to Sunghoon, who's minding his own business, not bothered by the same topic he's heard over and over again. His eyes tell Jay you're on your own, in response to his blonde-haired friend's look of despair.

Jay thinks that maybe he should get new friends. Yes, that's the only solution here.

"My love life," Jay reaches across the table for a drumstick from the greasy tub seated in Jake's lap until Jake swats his hand away, "is none of your business. Also, ouch."

"Uh, it kinda is. Because of you and your reputation around campus, it kinda affects us, your best friends. How do you think we look, hanging out with the guy who's known to ghost every girl in existence after one night with them? No offense to you," Jake deadpans to him. Jay mentally reconsiders the term best friends.

Tough love. Jay tells himself it's tough love.

"Yes, because every girl totally hates Jake Sim, the teacher assistant of a physics class who volunteers at the pet shelter every Sunday and brings their pet golden retriever to campus every two weeks," Jay rolls his eyes at his Australian friend.

Jake sighs. "Okay, then I'm coming from a place of worry for you."

Jay groans. "Again, none of your business!" This doesn't stop Jake. He comes from good intentions, really, but Jay wants nothing more than to stuff the kid's mouth with some of that chicken to shut him up.

"What are you gonna do if one day you meet someone you like, genuinely like, and you screw yourself over because you've never been in an actual relationship before? A real, committed one. Like one that lasts at least three months."

"You don't think I can last three months in a relationship?" Jay questions the boy currently taunting him.

"Honestly? No. What's the longest relationship you've been in?" Jake cocks an eyebrow at his friend across from him.

One month and two weeks. But Jay's smart enough to not say that out loud.

"I can so last over three months," Jay mutters more to himself than Jake.

Jake laughs at that, pausing to take another bite of the drumstick in his hand. "Jay, I am willing to actually bet you. Bet that you wouldn't be able to." He leans back on the couch, the ball now in Jay's court.

Jay freezes, looking up from his phone, narrowing his eyes at Jake.

"Forget it, Jake. He's not gonna agree even if you offered him money," Sunghoon finally perches from beside him. Well he's not wrong. It's not like Jay is exactly in need of more money, per say.

"What kind of bet are we talking here?"

Sunghoon's right. Jay doesn't need the money, but he does hate being wrong. Even if it's over something as stupid as this matter.

Caught off guard by the blonde's answer, Jake blinks blankly at him and takes a second to think.

"Hmm..what about...what about if you can date someone for at least three months, and I mean an actual, committed relationship, then I'll do all of your physics homework next semester."

Jay's eyes sparkle at that. If there's anything he despises more than commitment, it's physics.

"And if I win, you have to buy all of my textbooks," Jake sits back from the edge of his seat with a smirk lying on his face.

Jay pauses to think about it. I mean, what does he have to lose? A couple hundred dollars over college textbooks? No. Because he just simply won't lose.

And maybe he'll learn what it'll be like to actually be in a committed relationship for once. Maybe he'll finally learn what it's like to actually devote yourself to someone, open up to them. He shivers at the thought. Never mind. He'll warm up to it. Baby steps.

Nonetheless, what could go wrong? Even if he does lose, at least his money would be going somewhere productive––towards his friend's education. Jay was probably gonna use that money on something useless like a blanket that resembles a tortilla (a burrito blanket, he calls it)––something he doesn't necessarily need, but must have, he would argue.

"Fine. Whatever, okay. Deal," he grabs Jake's extended hand in front of him and shakes on it.

Jake's impressively smiling at the boy as Sunghoon lets out a sigh, in disbelief with the two guys he calls his best friends.

Jay concludes that this will be easier than his Introduction to Photography 101 course he took his freshman year. How hard is it to find someone to date the Jay Park? Surely, everyone will be lining up once Jay switches his FaceBook relationship status from "it's complicated" to "single".

Turns out, it's not as easy as his class where all Jay had to do was take pictures of a pretty sunset, slap a VSCO filter on, and call it a day.

He comes to this realization on a Wednesday evening, as he's seated at one of the many study tables lined in the middle of the campus' library, staring down at his phone's dry iMessage app, with his laptop and blank sheets of scratch paper scrambled across the entire table, as an attempt to look half as studious as the other students studying in the facility.

Turns out, being known as the campus' fuckboy who ghosts every girl on campus isn't a good thing when it comes to wanting to find a real relationship.

He comes to this realization after failing to receive a single text back to the many ones he sent out throughout the first half of his day. The ghoster gets ghosted. Oh how the turn tables.

Jay groans dramatically as he tosses his phone on the hard surface of the table, earning himself a harsh shush from the librarian filing books in the aisle beside him.

He sheepishly smiles back as an apology, directing his attention back to his open laptop screen, where his untouched calculus homework stares back at him––his mind preoccupied with the looming threat of Jake's bet. Not that it was threatening in any way, per say, but Jay just hates losing. And from the looks of things, it's safe to say that Jay won't be celebrating any victories anytime soon.

Jay thinks he should just change his identity and just transfer to some boarding school in Switzerland. Yes, that's a much better solution than admitting defeat to Jake.

Jay sighs as he lies his head on the table, figuring he might as well just write the check for Jake's textbooks now. He wonders how he got here in the first place. Not how he got into the bet, and definitely not how he's sitting in the middle of the library, having yet to start his calculus homework due at 11:59PM tonight (he should really start that).

But no, he wonders how he gained the reputation as the campus' playboy. To be fair, his friends (mainly Jake), are constantly reminding him of his notorious habits. But how did they come a habit in the first place?

The idea of being in a relationship is nice, sure, but the commitment that comes with it? The idea of being dependent on someone? It's scary, vulnerable, and one that Jay can't picture for himself.

Maybe some people just aren't meant to be paired. Maybe some people, like Jay, like being independent and are meant to stay that way.

But Jay also likes affection. He likes the fleeting, warm feeling he gets every time he finds himself under someone's sheets. He likes the short-lived comfort he receives from someone else's touch, even though he knows it's going to cease to exist the second he steps out of those bedroom's doors. He just likes affection, simple as that.

That and he's a 19 year old teenage boy with needs, what did you expect?

And so what if he likes the idea of affection minus commitment? Is that so bad? Apparently it is, to people like his friends and the entirety of his school's campus, at least.

At this rate, he might as well pay someone to date him.

Wait. Jay lifts his head off the table's surface in realization.

He might as well pay someone to date him.

There's no harm in that, is there?

He wouldn't have to endure through an endless amount of dates to find someone he clicks with, then continue going on dates with said clicked person, all while trying to develop an actual, serious relationship.

He'll win the bet, get his physics homework done for an entire semester, and some lucky girl out there will be making profit for the small price of hanging out with Jay Park for three months.

And lucky for him, Jay knows the perfect candidate for this scheme.

Simple as that.

Just as long as said perfect candidate says yes.

And as long as Jake and Sunghoon don't find out. Or else Jay might really have to move to Switzerland after all.

You love your friends, you do.

Hana and Heeseung have been there for you when others haven't––they were by your side when you knew no one entering high school, and they were still by your side when you were all graduating said high school. Needless to say, you're eternally grateful for friends like them.

But right now, in this moment––with you seated in the middle of the campus' library, trying to write your essay, as your two friends blabber on and on about the most recent gossip across from you��–your two friends could be your villain origin story.

But again, you love your friends, you do. So you don't have the heart to tell them to leave. You've managed to naturally tune out most of the conversation, anyways, for this––your friends coming to hang out while you're trying to study––is no rare occurrence by any means.

"Oh yeah, Jay Park texted me last night."

You hate how your brain's filter suddenly turns off at Hana's words.

You hate how your ears catch the sudden mention of Jay Park's name.

You hate how the thought of Jay Park gets to even occupy a single brain cell of yours.

You hate how you even know who Jay Park is. Well, knew.

Past tense. Because up until eighth grade––when Jay decided to just suddenly pretend you didn't exist––he was attached to you like a koala to a eucalyptus tree.

And if you had asked past Y/N, ideally, Jay would've never left your side. Ideally, he would've never left you to fend for yourself when entering high school. Ideally, he would've stayed your best friend through out all four years of high school and ideally, you would've eventually told him how you really felt about him after growing up with him all your life. And maybe it would've lead to a completely different story. But for the sake of this fic, we don't live in an ideal world.

So yes, if it wasn't for his attendance at the very same university as you, you would've forgotten about the boy who brought you the painful memories of your childhood.

And since the universe clearly doesn't work in your favor, avoiding Jay Park's existence like he's the plague would have to suffice. And it works.

For the most part.

Until some people, bring him up uninvited into your conversation. Like now, for example.

"When was the last time you guys talked anyways?" Heeseung mindlessly asks as he reaches across the table to grab one of the many snacks you usually bring to your study sessions.

"Uh..like a few weeks ago. Give or take. Whenever you threw your house party. Can't say there was much talking involved however," she teasingly says with a giggle and wiggle of her brows.

Heeseung's rolling his eyes as you scoff and chuck a nearby crumpled piece of paper that was once one of your many essay drafts at her.

She bats it away right as it's about to hit her face as she laughs. "Doesn't matter anyways. He ghosted me the next morning, as he does with everyone else. Telling you this now," she extends a finger right at you, "stay away from Jay Park. That kid's just bad news."

You nod in response, mentally telling her she has nothing to worry about.

Been there, done that.

College. Ah yes, the very concept of spending four years of your life imprisoned on a campus where you'll be tearing your hair out from stress and spending all your life's savings just for a laminated sheet of paper with a golden stamp at the end of it all. We live in a society.

Because of said college, and all the weight that comes along with it, you had adapted a strict daily schedule in order to not completely lose your mind. It's a simple schedule really, one of a typical college student who's just trying to get by everyday with as little mental breakdowns as possible.

Wake up, get ready, go to class, go to the library to do your homework, walk all the way across campus to get back to your dorm, shower, then sleep. Oh and eat, of course. And maybe if time permits, be an actual social being and socialize.

It's gotten you this far into the college life without dropping out so, you conclude, you must be doing something right.

Sometimes, if you're feeling nice to yourself, you'll tweak the schedule a bit to fit in some exceptions. Maybe squeeze in a little trip to the bubble tea shop that's on the other side of campus, or maybe get dinner at that one dining hall that you don't usually go to because of the unncessarily long lines (but because they serve ice cream, you go anyways). It doesn't matter what the exception is, you still plan it out to fit into your schedule somehow. Everything is planned out.

Sometimes, however, the universe disagrees with your schedule, to your demise. Such as today, for example.

Because what you didn't expect for today was for a particular blonde-haired boy who you haven't spoken to in almost six years (but who's counting?) to approach your table in the library––a table you were sure no one could find you at, as it was quietly tucked away in the back corner, right next to the Astrophysics shelves. Because who browses the Astrophysics aisle for fun? Actually, maybe Jake Sim would. Anyways.

You definitely didn't anticipate a visit from the boy you've been actively avoiding, so you definitely didn't expect the first words coming out of his mouth when he sees you for the first time in six years to be:

"Fake date me."

You blink up at him.

Yeah, definitely not expected.

But you only let it phase you for a split second, until you feel a slight annoyance beginning to bubble up deep inside of you.

"Wow, hello to you too Jay! It's been what––half a decade? Yeah I've been pretty good, thanks for asking!" The sarcasm is practically dripping off your tongue.

You don't know what runs through Jay's mind, but apparently it isn't common sense––or the ability to read the room. Because next thing you know, he's sliding the chair across from you out from underneath the table and making himself at home.

And he's smiling right at you.

Curse him and his smile.

But no, you're not giving into it.

Not yet, at least.

"What do you want?" You deadpan at him when he makes no sign of making the next move.

"A girlfriend," he deadpans right back at you, as if he was casually telling you what he wanted for dinner. As if you two were close-knit friends that could approach one another without any proper greeting. As if you two had kept your friendship all these years. As if you two even had a role in each other's lives.

"Can't help you there," you scoff, deciding to not even question his lack of manners on top of his uninvited presence.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why?"

"Well gee, seeing that the first few words you decided to say to my face for the first time in forever were a demand, a demand to date you no less, then....no," your monotone voice says as you keep your eyes focused on your laptop screen, not daring to look at the boy across from you.

In the Introduction to Sociology course you took your freshmen year, you had learned of one important term: interactional vandalism. Textbook definition being: "ignoring signals of disinterest in a conversation, leading it to an offense."

Your definition being: "are you oblivious or just plan dumb, read the room!"

This was interactional vandalism, alright. Whether Jay's truly oblivious or just trying to annoy you until your head explodes (it's really the former, but you're convinced it's the latter), he takes your signals of disinterest and tosses it right out of his head to continue the conversation.

"I'm stuck in this stupid bet with Jake--do you remember him? He bet me that I couldn't date someone for more than three months and I figured having someone fake date me would be easier than actually dating someone, right? That's where you come into the equation," he proposes as he leans back in his chair, as if he had just finished a sales pitch to a prospective customer looking to buy a car.

You couldn't believe this. You're 98% sure this has got to be a prank. You're mentally preparing for a camera crew to jump out from in-between the library's aisles any moment now and scream into your ears that you've just been punk'd!

The remaining 2% of you, however, wouldn't put it past the two boys to get themselves in such a situation. The last memory you had of Jay and his friends were pretty much their childish selves back in middle school. And by looking at the current scene unfolding in front of you...it's needless to say they haven't changed much.

"Again, can't help you there. Ask one of the many girlfriends I thought you had." Ouch.

"But Y/N, you've known me all your life--"

"Up until you dropped me a few years ago but sure, let's call it that."

"--and convincing other people is gonna make me look--"

"--desperate? Yeah."

"C'mon, Y/N. What do you have to lose anyways?"

"Uh..my dignity? Pride? Self-respect? Sorry Jay, not happening," you turn your attention back to your unwritten essay in front of you, mentally checking out of this conversation. This would be a good time for that camera crew to jump out now.

"Look, no one else is gonna do it, Y/N." Jay has always been stubborn, you suppose. But so are you.

"Yeah, because you've managed to push every being of the opposite gender away from you. You gave yourself this reputation in the first place," you give it to him straight. It's not like you had a relationship with him to uphold anyways––Jay himself broke that friendship years ago.

Jay hates that you're right.

You're always right. He remembers how he used to always go to you for advice and clarity on the world's biggest problems. Granted, the world's biggest problems to him at the time equated to what he should dress up as for the fifth grade Halloween party, but still. A tough decision, for the mind of a ten-year-old.

You abruptly stop typing and begin putting your laptop and textbooks away as you huff in frustration. There's no point in trying to get your work done now. The longer you stay arguing with Jay, the bigger your headache gets. The longer he continues to occupy any part of your brain, the bigger your headache gets.

Getting up from your seat, packed and ready to slam your head into your pillow, you turn to the blonde one last time.

"Look Jay. We went on our separate ways years ago. If you weren't so notoriously known around campus and my friends would stop talking about you, I would've long forgotten you. I'm sorry you're in this situation, really. If I were you, I'd just tell Jake I can't do it. Or don't, I can't tell you what to do. Just don't get some innocent girl involved in whatever stunt of yours this is."

Jay stares at you, mouth agape, as you find your way out of the library and through the main doors. By the time he comes back to his senses, he realizes how he looks plain stupid––standing in the middle of the library, the look on his face screaming befuddlement, to say the least. Jay quickly makes his way out of the building, in hopes of convincing you one last time.

Jay catches sight of your figure already half-way down the walkway that connects the library to the main quad of your school's campus. Geez, you walk fast.

Not fast enough to outrun Jay's legs, however. If Jay running after you through the middle of campus in order to convince you to fake date him doesn't show how desperate he is to win this bet, I don't know what will.

"Wait, Y/N!"

You groan to yourself before turning to face the boy who can't seem to take a hint and leave you alone. You stare at his out-of-breath state as he heaves up and down from the slight jog he had to endure to get to where you are. If you're humored by him chasing after you, you do a good job of hiding it.

He meets your unimpressed state before stating his final proposition: "I'll pay you. Five hundred dollars."

You nearly stop breathing.

Now this catches your attention––after all, you're but a broke college student who's just trying to survive. And preferably not by feeding yourself instant ramen cups every night.

And so, naturally, you begin rethinking about the opportunity presented in front of you. You narrow your eyes at the boy as you weigh your options.

The first problem being, it's Jay Park––the bane of your very existence. You spent the last few years of your life pretending he didn't exist...for good reason. Not only did he do you dirty when you were merely a couple of 13-year-olds, but you just didn't want to be involved with someone like him. Someone known for his nature, someone who left your own current best friend ghosted. And not that Hana herself would care, for she has called herself the "female Jay Park", but you're sure this would be breaking some rule in the girl code handbook. Plus, if you agree to this, you'd be betraying 13-year-old Y/N, the one who decided to never speak to nor think of Jay Park again––which by now you've failed, but you get the gist.

Second problem being, three months is a long time. Three months is practically the rest of this semester, and did you really want to spend the rest of the semester tied down to the label of being Jay Park's girlfriend? There would have to be some negative connotations that came along with that title, right? No offense to Jay, but being his first girlfriend since, what, high school could make you come off as..naive, for lack of a better term. As if the only person you could settle for was Jay Park. As if you barely had any standards for yourself. Again, no offense to Jay.

Needless to say, if your school's debate club had to argue on why you shouldn't be doing this, you're sure the negating side could win with these two reasons alone.

But before you're rejecting the boy currently standing in front of you one last time, you find yourself mentally listing rebuttals.

First of all, you'd be getting paid. And again, you're merely but a college student living the stereotypical broke college student life––burdened by the costs of tuition, textbooks, and midnight McDonalds runs for when you're out of aforementioned instant ramen cups. Five hundred dollars could provide you with more than enough chicken McNuggets to last you the semester, and maybe some more to treat yourself to an online shopping spree.

Second of all, it's not like you were going to do anything better with your next three months anyways. It's safe to say you were too busy being a diligent student to actually look for anyone to date, per say. And if anything, having a fake boyfriend might actually be helpful in your case. Your mom would be off your ass about how you're still single, for one. And two, your friends (though it's really just Heeseung) would stop trying to hook you up on blind dates with guys that you would choose Jay Park over any day (and that really says something).

Third of all, it's Jay Park. As much as you despise the kid, you still know him. He's not a complete stranger to you, no matter how much you try to deny it. It could be worse, it could be a complete rando asking you to date him. At least you two have some sort of history, which would take care of the typical small talk and getting to know each other bit of this equation. And truth be told, you'd be lying to yourself if you said you weren't a tad bit satisfied by the fact that Jay chose you, of all people, to pull off this stunt with him. You don't know if it's the nostalgia of your childhood memories rushing back to you, but it reminds you of the endless schemes you two used to plan behind your parents' backs all the time. Granted, your childhood schemes––such as the both of you faking sickness so you could skip school together––don't even fall close to being in a fake relationship with one another, but still. It's the thought that counts.

All of those reasons plus, Jay isn't the worst to look at. He may have a spoiled reputation, but at least he has his looks going for him, you'll give him that (you're still secretly wondering when and how did he get his glow up, but don't tell him that).

And so by the guidelines of a college student's logic that states the pros outweigh the cons, you come to the overarching conclusion that maybe, this won't be so awful after all.

"Five hundred?" You ask, just for clarification. Jay's immediately nodding at your words. You continue to ponder on your thoughts as he stares at you hopefully.

The silent atmosphere of your campus heightens the tension so much, you swear you're in one of those overdramatic pausing scenes that occur too many times in k-dramas.

You sigh, then nod.

"Okay," you're internally praying that you won't regret this decision. "I'm in."

The next time you see Jay is at 12:17PM on a Friday afternoon, as you're exiting the doors of the lecture building that's home to your awfully long Capitalism in the Western World class.

You're going down the steps of the building, mentally deciding where and what you're going to treat yourself to for lunch––as the three hour lecture you had just attended drained all the life and energy out of you––when you hear the slight call of your name.

Turning to the source, you're met with a waving Jay, leaning against the passenger's side of his car, parked in front of the lecture hall building you were currently leaving.

Great.

You walk over to where he's casually waiting––he's unaware of all the stares he's attracted from fellow students leaving the same lecture as you. Can you blame them? It's not everyday you see a sleek, black BMW that probably cost more than your tuition pull up in front of your Friday afternoon lecture. It's not everyday you see Jay Park waiting for anyone outside of his said sleek, black BMW that probably cost more than your tuition.

"Hi," you simply let out as you plant yourself in front of him, not sure whether or not to question him why are you here? Surely, he wasn't waiting for you?

"Hi," he smiles down at you. There's a beat of silence. "I was waiting for you."

Bingo.

"Oh. What are you, my chauffeur?" You raise an eyebrow, unimpressed.

"Maybe. I am your boyfriend, after all," he says into the air, loud and clear, as if he wanted people to hear. Well that is the point, you suppose.

But still, all you want to do is smack the smirk right off his face.

Before you have time to put your next question into words, he answers it for you.

"I'm taking you out for lunch," he declares as if you have nothing else planned for the day. Well, to be fair, you didn't have anything else planned for the day. Except for your usual library run. But you figure the library could wait.

"Oh, like on a date?" You raise your eyebrows teasingly at him as you get into the car, Jay holding the door wide open for you. "Is Jay Park treating me to lunch as a date?"

Jay fights the scowl (or is that a smile?) growing on his face as he bends down to meet your eye level from inside the car. "Don't flatter yourself, princess. We've got fake lives to live."

"Call me princess one more time and you won't have a real life to live," you flash him a sarcastic smile and slam the door in his face.

Jay meets his own shocked reflection on the passenger's side window.

Cute.

"When you said you were taking me out to lunch, I expected like...I don't know...the diner on campus. Not whatever this is," you mutter to Jay as the two of you are brought to your table by a waitress at an upscale sushi restaurant, one that is undoubtedly out of your usual budget, but for sure an upgrade from your dining hall's pizza you were planning to have. You should've figured as much, the drive here was a little more than out of the way from campus, and who are you kidding, it's Jay Park you're eating with.

You stare down at your current outfit, which consisted of a hoodie you've owned since your junior year of high school and leggings that you threw on without second thought this morning––because you didn't exactly wake up and decide I'm going to go to a fancy sushi bar for lunch today!

"Why are we here anyways?" You ask him when you're both settled in your seats and the waitress walks away after listing the chef's specials for the day.

"Oh, they have killer dragon rolls here, you have to try it," Jay tells you nonchalantly as his eyes rake the menu in front of him, blocking your view of him.

How dense can one be? Your hand snatches his menu as you stare into his unamused eyes.

"No, Jay. I mean, why are we here? It's not like anyone's around to see us put on a show anyways."

"Oh. I figured," Jay's quick to grab the menu back from out of your hands as he continues, "that we should sit down and establish how exactly we're going to deliver this performance. After all, you're stuck with me for the next three months."

Again, smacking the smirk currently resting on his face would satisfy you beyond relief. Just once.

"If I drop out halfway through, do I still get $250?" You tease, leaning back.

"Ha ha. Funny. No," he narrows his eyes at you from across the table. "It's all or nothing."

You dramatically huff to make a show just for his annoyance.

"Worth a try. But sure, let's solidify this. What's the game plan?" You sit up in your seat, leaning over the table as if the two of you were hosting a secret meeting.

"It's simple really," Jay mirrors your actions, face leaning in close to where yours is hovering over the table. "Just pretend to be deeply in love with me for three months, and try not to actually be charmed by my cunning looks."

If someone gave you five dollars for every time you've already rolled your eyes at him today, you wouldn't even need to be in this deal for the five hundred dollars.

"Wow, smooth. Can I just remind you you're the one paying a girl to be in a fake relationship with you because you're just not competent enough to find an actual girlfriend?" You lean back, arms crossing over your figure.

Jay, unfazed, laughs, tongue briefly hitting the inside of his cheek. "Touché."

Your eyes go back to the menu in front of you as a silence falls over the table. Because you're not a loaded trust fund baby who comes to fancy five-star sushi restaurants for lunch on a daily, you don't recognize half of the entree names on the menu. You spot the dragon roll Jay suggested, but seeing that a basic California roll is less expensive, your natural broke-college-student-instincts figure the California roll shall do.

"Okay, in all seriousness," Jay begins as he puts his menu down. "It's simple really. We'll just go on weekly dates and post cute pictures of each other once in a while and a little after three months, I'll just say it didn't work out. I'll give you the five hundo and boom, we move on with our lives."

It's clear Jay's put some thought into this. Safe to say he's put more effort planning this out than the amount of work he's been putting into his classes. Someone's got their priorities straight.

You're impressed to say the least––you figured Jay would just be the kind to go with the flow and wait for the situation to unfold on its own and maybe blow up into flames. But seeing as he was just as serious about winning this bet as you were with making five hundred dollars, your doubts about this entire situation were slowly withering away.

Don't get it wrong, though, you still despise him. To an extent, at least.

"And don't worry about the dates. I'll pay on your behalf, as the loving, doting boyfriend I am," Jay finishes with a wide, cheesy smile you can't help but return a growing smile back at.

"Well then, as the loving, doting girlfriend I am, I shall gift you coffee, breakfast, all that fun couple stuff, whenever you please. Or maybe unannounced, if I'm feeling nice," you figure you should pitch in as much if he's paying for all your dates. And deep down, you find the idea kinda cute. But don't tell anyone that.

"Wow, look at us. We should become Dispatch's couple of the year already!" Jay exclaims, earning himself a small giggle from you, which pleases him to say the least. He thinks that maybe when this is all over, he'll hopefully make a good friend (well, for the second time) out of it.

And you're thinking that maybe the next three months won't be as bad as you initially had thought.

As the two of you delve deep into a debate about who would be the better significant other to each other, the waitress comes over to take your orders.

And because you're laughing and Jay's brightly smiling at you from across the table, you order the dragon roll.

The second time Jay takes you out––this time he gives you a heads up to get ready––it's at a, once again, high-class steakhouse.

The third time, you insist on the on-campus diner that's popular amongst the student population. Partially because you feel bad for the amount of money he's spent on you (even though he couldn't care less), but mostly because if you have to put on another fancy dress to just eat an overpriced meal that doesn't even fully satisfy your hunger, you might lose your mind.

And by this third time, Jake is aware of this newly blossomed relationship.

"Three dates! I didn't know you had it in you, going on three dates with the same girl!" Jake excitedly exclaims as he jumps into the empty spot on Jay's dorm bed and shoves his phone's screen into Jay's face.

The smaller screen displays Jay's most recent Instagram post: an image of you sitting behind your too-small-to-be-this-expensive-steak and smiling right into Jay's camera––a memory that brings a smile to his face:

~ ~ ~

"C'mon! We said Instagram posts would be a part of the deal! How else can we convince people we're dating?" A pout rests on Jay's face as he stares at you from across the table in the middle of the extravagantly decorated restaurant he picked out for your second date. You remember your eyes bulging out of their own sockets when you saw the "$$$$$" rating Yelp gave the place when you searched it up earlier.

"Okay, okay! One picture," you give in, already slightly annoyed that you were here instead of the comfort of your own bed, where you could be rewatching your favorite Netflix show for the third time. But because you made a deal and because you're desperate for money, you had to follow through––so here you were.

You flash an unconvincing smile to Jay's camera, which doesn't satisfy him, to say the least. "At least pretend you're somewhat enjoying this date," he frowns at you.

You sigh, until a thought crosses your mind and a smile grows on your face. "Only if you get me boba afterwards."

He narrows his eyes at you, but then meets your smile. "Sure, whatever you want. But only because I've been craving some mango milk tea lately."

"You're a fruit milk tea kind of guy? Sorry, but I might have to fake break-up with you," you tease as you take a sip of your overpriced drink to go with your overpriced meal.

Jay scoffs, feigning hurt by placing his hand over his heart. "Ouch. But before you break up with me, let me get this Instagram post in."

"Wow. Your priorities are so straight," you roll your eyes at him, eliciting a cheeky smile from him as he watches you through his held up phone screen.

"3,2,1."

"Hey, I wasn't ready! That was like mid-laugh!" You reach over the table to grab the phone, but not quick enough for him to put his phone back into his pants' pocket.

"Nope, nuh uh," he laughs as you quickly sit back down into your seat, not wanting to cause a scene in an establishment as proper as this one.

"It's fine. It's a good picture, you look cute," he casually lets out, unaware of the blush rising to the surface of your cheeks, thanks to the fact that you were suddenly interested in playing with the left-over food on your plate.

"Jay! Delete it, I'll let you take another one," you whine from your seat, imagining just how bad a candid picture of you could be.

"Ugh, fine. Ever so picky." He playfully rolls his eyes at you as he takes his phone out and opens the camera app as you prepare yourself.

"Okay, how's this?" Jay turns the phone screen to you after he takes a few snaps on his phone.

"I approve," you grin at him as he goes through the pictures himself, unaware of the smile growing on his face.

"Okay now delete the first one," you point your finger at him, narrowing your eyes at him.

"Okay, okay! Bossy," he laughs as he raises in hands in surrender.

When Jay gets home that night, he recovers the image from his Recently Deleted folder, telling himself it's for the sake of the memory.

Obviously.

~ ~ ~

"It's not that big of a deal," Jay mutters from his spot as his eyes go from the Instagram post to his Exile and Belonging in Modern Literature reading that's due tomorrow, bright yellow highlighter in hand. Typically, you'd find the reading buried deep at the bottom of his school backpack. But because Jay ran into you this morning and because he complained to you about the amount of work he's fallen behind on and because you had threatened him to do his work or else you're not going on another date––a fake date that is––with him, he figured he should at least get one reading done and annotated, despite his strong dislike for highlighters (they hurt his eyes, okay?)

What he doesn't know, however, is how your threat was completely full of bluff––but don't tell him that.

"It is so a big deal, for you at least!" Jake hops off the bed and lands on the wooden floors of Jay's dorm room so hard, Jay winces and sends a mental apology to the poor person who lives below him.

Jake suddenly gasps. "I have to meet her, Jay! As your best friend, it's practically mandatory that I meet her."

Jay opens his mouth to protest, but not before Jake interrupts him once again. "Oh! We can bring Sunghoon too, it'll be so fun! The best friends meet the girlfriend."

Jay can't think of anything worst. Jay imagines that bringing you to meet his best friends would just intimidate you out of dating him––fake dating him, that is. Obviously.

He stares at his friend in agony then back at the reading in front of him––the one Jake said he'd come over to help annotate, but the intention completely left Jake's head the second he heard about Jay's recent dating life.

"You don't have to meet her," Jay says pointedly. "Plus, you already know her."

Jake frowns at his friend's excuse. "Yeah, but that was in middle school! This is different."

Jay's hands shuffle through the reading's pages in front of him as he realizes there's no way the two of them are going to finish the assignment at this point. He supposes he'll have to save death by blindness from highlighters for another day and hope you still agree to go out with him.

Jake suddenly gasps in realization.

"Oh my gosh! Childhood best friends turned college sweethearts," Jake says so dreamily, he might as well plaster heart eyes on. Hopeless romantic, this one.

Before Jay can argue, the piercing sound of three loud knocks echo through the small room, followed with a:

"Jay, are you in? It's me!"

Jay stills at the sound of your sweet voice. He whips his head to Jake, who is also frozen in place.

But the widened-eye boy is quick to come to his senses––unfortunately quicker than Jay himself––because the next thing Jay knows, Jake's eyes are lighting up and he's running to the door, ignoring Jay's screaming whispers through this seething teeth that were somewhere along the lines of Jake––stop, I swear to god if you open that door I'm gonna fucking--

"Y/N!" Jake swings the door wide open, revealing an overly excited him and a frozen Jay half-way to the door, as if he was about to grab the very boy welcoming you in. It's as if we're living in a Sims game and the player clicked pause on this very moment.

Jake's eyes are wildly going back and forth between you and your supposed boyfriend, as if he was waiting for Jay to run over and smother you in hugs and kisses...or something couple-y like that. Jay wouldn't know.

"Uh––hi," you're awkwardly standing inside the room now, a relatively large paper brown bag resting in your palms as you look around for a surface to place it on. Jay makes his way to you without a second thought, quickly taking the bag out of your hold.

"You seemed stressed out earlier, so I figured I could bring you some food as a little pick me up. I didn't know what you liked, so I kinda just got a little of everything from the dining hall. Nothing fancy," you're rambling, but smiling so excitedly at him, Jay doesn't know what to say.

Instead, his mouth slightly drops open as he stares at you in awe, mostly because he's not used to being on the receiving end of such spontaneously generous actions––all while Jake's still excitedly looking back and forth between the two of you, as if he was expecting a marriage proposal to come next.

"Oh wow. Thank you. Really," Jay, still touched by your simple act of kindness, softly says as he places the bag on the limited amount of empty space on his desk surface––the rest of it is covered with his untouched textbooks and unfinished assignments. He wonders if you did this out of playing your role or just because you wanted to. He internally hopes it's the latter. "Seriously, you didn't have to do."

"Nah, don't worry. I wanted to," you shrug with such a genuine smile that Jay realizes he actually missed your smile.

Despite having seen you during your brief run-in this morning when you were fetching your morning coffee, Jay realizes he missed you. The two of you haven't been seeing each other recently because of your busy schedule and if Jay didn't realize it before, he's now sure he missed your company and presence around.

Weird.

"Well, you two have fun! Sunghoon needs me for something," Jake suddenly chirps from his place near the front door, halfway through with putting his shoes on already, breaking the comforting silence that fell between the two of you.

Jay frowns. "But you said you were free all da––"

"SUNGHOON IS CALLING BYE!" And before Jay can even register what's happening, Jake's out the door without another word.

"Er..sorry about him, he's...weird," Jay scratches the back of his neck as he returns to his spot on his bed, mentally setting a reminder to yell at Jake later for leaving the two of you alone. Jay doesn't know exactly why, but he's nervous at the fact that you're here in his room. It's not like you two are complete strangers––or whatever you guys were before––anymore. "Good job on your part, though. How'd you know Jake was here?"

"Oh uh, I didn't"," you let out an awkward laugh. "I just felt like doing it."

Heat rushes to Jay's cheeks and he's not sure 1) what this newfound feeling is and 2) how to respond, yet again.

Having expecting you to leave after dropping the food off, Jay's taken by surprise when you take your shoes off and come over to his bed to look at the pile of work he's spread out.

"Is this everything you have to do?" You question the stressed-out boy as you flip through the various assignments, readings, and essays he put off in the past week.

"More or less," he groans. This is no rare occurrence by any means––Jay being behind in his work––but this time, Jay realizes he may actually be in deep shit, considering he has no idea where to begin.

Right as Jay's expecting a scolding from you, he looks up to meet a look of sympathy on your face. "Well, I mean, I'm pretty much done with my day. I can try to help, I recognize some of these readings from last semester."

Jay thinks to himself that the universe has sent him an angel through the form of you.

"Really? Wow, you were't kidding when you said you'd be a good girlfriend," he sends you a surprised look.

"I'm just being nice, Jay. A concept I'm sure you're not familiar with," you remark back at him, causing his forming smile to grow into a laugh.

"I can too be nice! Need I remind you of who's paying you $500, covering all of our dates AND giving you rides to class everyday?" He remarks pointedly at you, a teasing look resting in his eyes as you're reminded of the first of many times he's come to pick you up before class:

~ ~ ~

You're late.

This never happens.

But then again, your life's been a series of unexpected occurrences lately. Such as the fact that you're currently known as Jay Park's girlfriend, for one.

You're scrambling out of bed once you take one look at your phone and realize shit, you're already late for class. Throwing on whatever articles of clothing your eyes land on first, you're already mentally groaning at the fact that you'll have to skip breakfast and run across your campus to get to said class.

Curse your professor for hosting her lecture at the furthest possible building away from your dorm. Curse the architect who decided to make your campus so large.

You're running down the steps outside of your dorm building's doors when you're abruptly stopped by a familiar sounding cough. You look up from trying to gather all your belongings together at once to meet the gaze of the source of the sound––Jay.

"Wow, you're a mess," he smirks as he gets up from the spot on his car he was leaning against to make his way over to you.

"Gee, thanks! Good morning to you too," you flash him a sarcastic smile before your default frown quickly makes it way back onto your face.

"Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm here?" He grins as he grabs hold of your backpack to sling it across his own back as the two of you walk towards his car.

"Why are you here, Jay?" you sigh, your sarcastic tone hard to miss.

"To give you a ride to class, of course!" He's beaming at you, as if he's a pre-pubescent teen who just won their first girlfriend a prize from the arcade's claw machine.

Oh. That explains the car, you figure. Deep down inside, you're relieved that you'll no longer be bursting through the lecture hall's doors as a sweaty mess––a result of having to run across campus to get to class.

Determined to not let your satisfaction completely show, you resort with a little smile directed towards Jay as he opens the passenger door for you.

The second your enter Jay's car, the strong scent of coffee hits you, and your attention is targeted at the two small cups of coffee sitting in the cupholders of the car.

"Breakfast?" Jay asks as he enters through the driver's side and reaches into the backseat to whip out a small pastry bag. A small, deliciously smelling, pastry bag.

Okay, well. You suppose you could drop the annoyed act now.

Your eyes widen with joy as you grab the bag from him and open it to reveal your favorite breakfast sandwich. He's been taking notes, you'll give him that point.

"Okay, you win. Thank you," you grace him with a soft smile before taking a bite into the glorious gift in your hands.

"Of course, I was just feeling nice," he grins at you as he starts his car. "But don't get used to it." His tone is serious, but his smile directed towards you says differently.

And the fact that he still showed up to drive you to class the next morning.

And the next.

~ ~ ~

"And need I remind you who has to date your dumb ass for the $500 in question?" Your eyes narrow at the boy who can't seem to get that damn smile off his face.

Jay sticks his tongue out at you, ending the conversation. Really Jay? What are you, five? Well, mentally––probably.

You're looking around his minuscule dorm room for a place to sit down, and Jay can't help but feel embarrassed now that you're here, in his messy single studio room that pretty much reflects how Jay treats every other responsibility of his oh so hard life: neglected.

"Uh...here, you can sit on my bed," Jay immediately offers as he moves to the side to make room for your presence––and it isn't much, considering the university only provided him a twin XL bed which is definitely not built for two grown college-aged kids.

If you told yourself a few weeks ago that you'd be shoulder to shoulder on a bed belonging to the guy you cringed at the very thought of, you wouldn't have believed yourself. You wouldn't have believed yourself if you said you were actually glad Jay let you stay instead of kicking you out after delivering the food. Huh.

Weird.

"You know, this kinda reminds me of when we were kids. I always carried us through those horrible multiplication tests in the fifth grade," you wink at him as you settle in the spot next to him, hands grabbing hold of the papers in his lap.

Jay let out a laugh, nudging your shoulder with his. "Hey! The twelve times table is hard, okay?"

You roll your eyes at him––a habit of yours he's noticed whenever the two of you are together, but more recently, he thinks it's been more out of fun than annoyance.

He wonders why.

When Jay had first brought up the idea of bringing you as his date to his father's company dinner, you had expected a fairly fancy five-star restaurant with a formal dress code––for you've become accustomed to Jay's lifestyle. Turns out, your expectations can continue to be exceeded. Because what you had expected to be a simple dinner with a few other business men and women turned out to be an entire party, hosted in a hotel whose interior resembled something close to a castle (Or what you assume a castle looks like, as you've never personally been into a castle yourself, but this hotel is close enough).

Your eyes sparkle at the extravagant columns and diamond chandeliers hanging high above you, and Jay smiles at the expression on your face; like a little girl being brought to the amusement park for the first time ever.

"Wow, this is...wow," you mutter as you drink in the scene in front of you: people dressed in formal attire likewise to yours and Jay's, mingling and drinking what you imagine to be beverages that cost more than your entire life's worth.

Jay laughs from behind you, "Yeah the company goes a little...extra when it comes to these company dinners."

You scoff as you look up at him. "Oh really, you don't say?" You look around and you're suddenly aware of the many people surrounding the two of you and the attention you've acquired ever since entering the building.

"Jay, people are staring." You shuffle closer to him, your voice lowering down to a whisper.

"Well, it's not everyday the son of the company's CEO brings his girlfriend with him, so...looks like we'll be the talk of the party tonight. Smiles on," he winks at you, and you just know he's loving the attention the two of you are receiving right now.

"Jay Park? Is that you?" You hear a warm voice call out from behind the two of you.

The two of you turn around to meet the owner of the voice, a middle-aged woman dressed in an evening gown that matches the pattern of high-end brands you've been recognizing ever since arriving.

"Mrs. Lee! It's so nice seeing you again," Jay cheerily addresses the woman as the two of you bow in greeting.

You internally giggle at the thought of your Jay being so picture-perfect in the eyes of his father's co-workers.

"This is Y/N," he continues, his hand finding its way to your back, protectively resting it there as you go to introduce yourself. "My girlfriend."

You swear you feel goosebumps rise from where he's lightly touching you, and more so when he introduces you as his girlfriend.

You tell yourself it's just your nerves. Yes, that's it, you're just nervous. I mean, you're in a room filled with people who could easily pay off all your college loans with just a snap of their fingers, who wouldn't be nervous? Right? Right.

"Y/N! It's a pleasure to finally meet you, I've heard so much about you!" Mrs. Lee excitedly exclaims as you turn to Jay with a slightly confused look plastered on your face. He mirrors your expression as he shrugs, moving to stand behind you completely, bringing his hands to rest lowly at your hips.

His hands feel like feathers on the thin fabric of your evening gown, so light, so delicate, as if he's unsure if he's crossing a line. It leaves you wanting more, wanting to naturally lean against him and his warmth. You quick to shake the thought of your head as Mrs. Lee chirps up again.

"Jay's father is always talking about how you've been keeping Jay pleasantly busy nowadays! Good thing too, about time this poor boy settle down for someone as beautiful as you," the woman rambles on as you feel a blush creep up on your cheeks at the thought of Jay talking about you to his dad. If only they knew.

"We should probably go find our seats, I think the dinner is beginning soon," Jay says from behind you, saving the two of you from having to listen to Mrs. Lee's story of how she's known Jay ever since he was five years old and seeing him grow into this mature, loving, young man is so amazing. Oh look! I have baby pictures.

Yeah, he was more so saving himself from embarrassment.

The two of you bid your goodbyes before Jay gently uses the hand on your back to maneuver you through the crowd of socializing business moguls.

"She's not wrong, you know," you feel Jay dip his head so he's speaking near your ear, his warm breath tickling your earlobe, as the two of you make your way through the large foyer room.

"Hm?" You hum in question, turning your head up just enough to be able to make eye contact with him as he responds to your look of confusion.

"You look beautiful tonight," he says, eye contact not breaking once. You freeze in your steps.

You stare back at him in silence. Oh.

Your mind is panicking as it flips through your mental book of responses, unsure of what to say back. But because your mind is cloudy from staring at a put-together Jay in a dark navy suit to match your dress (mixed with the nervous butterflies in your stomach––have they always been there?), the only sound that's able to leave your lips is the small stutter of a:

"Huh?"

Wow Y/N, you had one job. A simple "thank you" could've sufficed! And you went with "Huh"?

You felt like a fifth grader who just learned from a friend of a friend of a friend that their crush likes them back.

"U-um. Mrs. Lee. What she said about you. You look good, really," somehow your nervousness made its way over to Jay now––his eyes flickering from yours to anywhere, anything, else in the room––the awkward tension growing tenfold each second.

Goddamnit Y/N, this is just Jay you're talking to, get a grip.

You're knocked back into reality when he slightly nudges your back to continue making your way to the main ball room, where the dinner is being held.

"Is that a compliment from the Jay Park?" Your smirk can't be seen by Jay, since he's still trailing behind you, but he can definitely hear it through your tone.

"Don't make me take it back," he chuckles, his words felt against your neck, leaving behind a tingly sensation you're not sure why you're feeling. You're glad he's behind you, so he isn't able to see the blush creeping onto your face for the second time tonight.

Jay gives a small nod to the people behind the check-in desk stationed at the entrance as the two of you waltz right into a large ball room lined with countless circular dining tables. So much for a small business dinner.

As the two of you approach one of the tables placed at the front of the room, you notice a familiar figure seated next to the seats reserved for you and Jay.

"Y/N!" Jake exclaims as he gets up from his seat to greet the both of you. "I'm so glad you made it, Jay was so excited to bring you tonight. Deadass would not stop talking about it."

Jay lets out a noise that falls somewhere between a cough and a goose being strangled, his widened eyes warning his talkative friend to just shut up. He's silently cursing the company for always seating his and Jake's family at the same table for these events.

"Aw, is that so? He's lucky he's cute or else I wouldn't have agreed," you grin, winking at your assumed boyfriend sitting next to you.

"Hey, YOU were the one excited to come! I recall a certain someone's face lighting up when I suggested we go shopping for tonight," Jay immediately retorts.

"Only because you were buying," you giggle, causing Jake to laugh as well.

"Damn, Jay. Tough," Jake jokingly adds as you laugh alongside him. The scowl sitting on Jay's face expresses the opposite of what he's feeling right now: warmth filling him up from the sound of your laughter and the image of you getting along so well with his best friend.

"I'm gonna get us some drinks, you two have fun making fun of me," Jay narrows his eyes at the two of you as he gets up from his seat. You bid him off with a smile before turning back to Jake.

"No but really though, this boy would not stop talking about you coming tonight. Then again, he doesn't really ever stop talking about you," Jake nonchalantly says, not knowing how much he was exposing his friend to you right now.

You raise an eyebrow up in response, "Oh really?"

"Seriously! I don't know what you did to him, Y/N, but this Jay I've been seeing recently is new. He complains a lot less about life nowadays, especially on the days he sees you," he leans back in his chair as his comment brings a smile to your face. Little does he know.

You stretch your neck up to find the boy in question and spot him right as he's returning to your shared table, two drinks in hand. You lock eyes with him from across the room and without a second thought, you're giving him a genuine smile that he's immediately returning.

Your heart beats faster at the view.

You wonder why.

It's 3:07AM when you hear the first ding.

You're not 100% sure as of why you're awake at this hour on a Tuesday night––perhaps a combination of your restless thoughts and feelings not letting you sleep plus the typical stress that comes hand-in-hand with the life of a college student.

It's 3:09AM when you hear the second ding, and you brush it off, assuming it was just Heeseung spamming you with memes again––something he does often when he also can't sleep (you found this out the hard way).

It's still 3:09AM when you hear the third ding, and at 3:10AM , you finally reach over and decide to acknowledge the being who's bothering you at this godforsaken hour.

Jay [3:07AM]: Y/N

Jay [3:09AM]: hi

Jay [3:09AM]: r u awake rn

Y/N [3:10AM]: unfortunately so

Y/N [3:11AM]: why are you up

Jay [3:11AM]: come outside

Y/N [3:13AM: jay it's 3am

Jay [3:13AM]: ye and? don't tell me ur a college student with a curfew

Jay [3:14AM]: plus im alrdy waiting for u outside so u have no choice

Jay [3:15AM]: :)

You groan at your bright phone screen currently illuminating your dark dorm room.

You ponder the consequences you may have to suffer tomorrow if you stay up any later than you already have. But considering the fact that you're probably just going to stay awake lying in bed for god knows how long anyways, why not?

(And you would like to point out that this decision has nothing to do with the fact that you haven't seen Jay in a few days and that maybe a tiny, tiny, tiny, part of you may have missed his presence. Nothing.)

And since that logic is obviously valid (you really gotta work on justifying your life choices), you're suddenly grabbing a hoodie from your closet and hoping it'll be enough to keep you, who's merely in an old band t-shirt from high-school and pajama shorts, warm.

The breeze hits your skin the second you open the doors to your dorm's building, and you're met with the view of Jay's sleek, black BMW that probably costs more than your tuition. He waves at you from the driver's seat, motioning for you to get in.

"To what do I owe you the pleasure at this hour," you deadpan at him with a stone-cold voice as you enter through the passenger's side door, hoping your tone was enough to hide the fact that you're giddy at the fact he invited you out at 3AM in the morning. Like a high-school girl sneaking out of her house to meet up with her bad-boy boyfriend that her parents dislike.

The second you enter his car, you're instantly comforted by the warm air blasting through his vents and his playlist softly playing in the background. Jay's pajama pants and messy hair give you more than enough information to know that he probably just rolled out of his own bed as well. You don't know why, but your view: Jay in his oversized hoodie with his unkept hair in front of your dorm building at 3AM on a Tuesday night, gives you comfort in weird ways you can't explain even if you tried.

But it's obviously just your cloudy, 3AM mind not thinking straight. Obviously.

"When I can't sleep, I go on drives around campus. It helps clear my mind," he says, looking over at you to give you a quick smile before starting his car. "Plus, SnapMap said you were still awake, so...figured you'd wanna join."

"Oh so what, you're my stalker now? You're not driving to the woods to kill me now, are you?" You tease, an eyebrow brought up. Jay lets out a laugh from beside you as he begins to drive further into your campus.

"Guess you'll just have to wait and see," he throws you a wink before reverting his gaze back to the road, mindlessly driving to wherever the road decides to take him.

A comfortable silence falls in between the two of you as Jay continues to drive endless routes around your campus. You look over to the boy driving next to you and take in his features––you don't know what changed, but you no longer feel the same anger or annoyance bubbling within you when you're around him. You're not sure when this changed, but you figure it's just the effect of desensitization. After all, you've been spending so much time with him, you're bound to get used to it. Right?

"Why were you up?" Jay finally asks after a few minutes of just the two of you silently basking in each other's presences.

"Ah, you know. The usual. Endless thoughts running through my mind, stress from school, nothing new," you sign, giving him a soft smile followed with a shrug.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

You answer him with silence as you search your head for the answer.

"I don't know. This is kinda weird, isn't it?" You don't know why you get a sudden surge of confidence, but before you can stop yourself, you find yourself rambling on. "If you had told me a month ago that I'd be here driving around with you when it's nearly 4AM, I would've laughed in your face."

Jay doesn't know whether to laugh or scoff. "Is the idea of hanging out with me that unappealing to you?"

You give him a serious look back. "I mean, up until a month ago when you needed me for whatever this game is, you literally pretended I didn't exist."

Oh. Awkward.

You freeze at your own words, mentally screaming at yourself for letting the words leave your mouth. Why, why, why.

"Y/N..." Jay says after clearing his throat after a few seconds of silence.

"No it's fine, it was a joke," you awkwardly cough and direct your attention to anything else around you right now. The view of your campus' buildings zooming by. The clicking of Jay's blinker when he switches lanes. The quiet roaring of his car's engine. The nervous tapping of his fingers against the steering wheel.

The rest of the ride is excruciatingly silent as he exits the main road and into an empty parking lot of some administration building made out of glass that has too many floors for you to count.

You don't know why you feel your heart beating in your throat as Jay puts the car into park––why you feel uneasy. You slightly turn towards him in your seat, hoping to pick up any sign of well...anything from him.

You don't know why you feel a twinge of guilt––it's not like what you said was necessarily wrong. If you were being honest, you were slightly bothered by how the two of you seemed to silently agree not to mention your past all this time. You were always one to seek answers, to seek closure. You couldn't help but bring it up––Jay was your best friend during those years. For him to just wake up one day and pretend you were nothing to him hurt you, and you couldn't help but still wonder what in the world you did to initiate his actions.

"I'm sor–" You're interrupted with his timid voice, as if he was almost afraid to speak.

"I'm not good with people." He's nibbling on his bottom lip, fingers nervously picking at a spot on the steering wheel.

You're opening and closing your mouth, unsure how to respond. You're 100% positive you look like a fish right now. Good for you.

"I don't know why. Jake calls it commitment issues but in order to have commitment, people have to stay in my life. And people just...don't. They're all bound to leave at some point. So what's the point of putting in effort into relationships if they're just going to leave you at the end?"

You're stunned by his sudden confession, not having been prepared for such a heavy topic to arise between the two of you. Up until tonight, your interactions had always been light-hearted and easy––you guys got along well. You didn't know this is how he felt all along.

But you knew where he was coming from.

You knew what Jay had gone through as a child––his mother having left him and his dad when he was young. You remember when your parents had told you the news at the young age of 13, and you remember the pain and sorrow you felt for your then friend. All you wanted to do was go to him and comfort him, but he had already cut you out from his life by then.

"Or maybe I'm the problem. My dad barely acknowledges my existence because he thinks giving me an allowance is all the parenting I need, my friends probably only stick around because they feel bad for me, you wouldn't even be here if it weren't for the bet, and, fuck, I'm literally known as the campus' fuckboy," Jay continues, falling deeper and deeper into the hole he dug himself.

He hates this, he hates opening up and feeling vulnerable, so he doesn't know why he's doing it now. He doesn't know why he feels comfortable voicing out his fears and worries when he's around you. But he does know it's a new feeling––one he doesn't know how to deal with.

"Jay," you lace your voice with as much comfort as you can provide. None of this is his fault, you want to tell him. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything," he says with a hint of bitterness and you can't tell if it's directed towards you or the topic at hand.

You're completely turned in your seat now to face him––despite the fact that he refuses to meet your gaze, afraid that looking at you is gonna bring out the most vulnerable in him. "You can talk to me. Talking about it makes it a lot easier. I'll always be here for you, as a friend."

Jay doesn't know what it is or why, but something in him snaps at the sound of a certain word falling out of your lips. Friend. Friend.

Friends don't make his heart beat nervously whenever he's around them. Friends don't keep him up at 3AM in the morning, pondering about his feelings for them. Friends don't provide him with this new, warm comfort he's become accustomed to whenever he's around you.

Deep down, Jay knows you didn't mean to add fuel to the fire. But because he's strong-headed, stubborn, and hates how vulnerable he feels next to you, he unleashes his emotions without thinking about the destruction coming along.

"It's none of your business, Y/N. Forget I said anything. You're just a toy for this stupid game and when it's all over we can go back to our own lives and forget this ever happened."

His sudden words cut deep, but they hurt him more than you. The second the words tumble out of his mouth, he's hit with the feeling of instant regret washing over him, and the lump forming in his throat restricts him from finding the right words to take them back.

The silence that falls between the two of you this time is different. It's a cold silence. A loud silence.

Jay feels his walls coming back up around him––the ones you managed to get through––and all he wants to do is apologize but he's terrified. Terrified of seeing your reaction, terrified of losing you again. For the second time.

You tell yourself he doesn't mean it. You tell yourself that he's just enduring more pain that one should ever receive.

But you also tell yourself that this wouldn't be the first time Jay leaves you in the dust.

You tell yourself that you're foolish for ever believing a friendship, or more, could come out of this act at the end. That you're so naive for feeling those stupid, stupid butterflies you've started to notice in your stomach whenever you see, or even think of, him.

"Okay," you begin with a firm tone. You're hurt, but you refuse to show it. You won't let him hurt you for a second time. Not again.

"Just...find me when you need me. As your fake girlfriend or just...me. I'm still here for you," is the last thing you say before un-clicking your seatbelt and leaving his car, beginning your walk back to your dorm hall.

Jay is unsure about many things in life. He's unsure about what he wants to do in the future, he's unsure of where he's going to settle in life, heck, he's unsure about what to have for lunch tomorrow. But he's sure about one thing.

That he's wearing his heart on his sleeve right now, and it's all because of you.

That you've become this new lifeline and he has to choose between holding onto you or drowning.

When Jay wakes up the next morning, his first gut instinct is to get ready to pick you up for class. But today's different. Jay doesn't know where the two of you stand now, especially after last night.

Jay doesn't know how to deal with this combination of unknown emotions he's been feeling lately. They didn't come out of no where, by any means, he realizes. They've been slowly growing over the past month of seeing you so often––like a plant he's been watering overtime, not expecting it to bloom into a flower so suddenly––but he figured it was nothing more than just enjoying the company of a friend.

Until he realizes that the term friend just doesn't suite you anymore––not to him, at least. And that scares him. It scares him that you've made him genuinely smile more in this past month than he ever has in his 19 years of living. It scares him that when he's around you he can't comprehend his own thoughts, his feelings. It scares him that you make him vulnerable, that you've changed him. That you've managed to make the walls that he's spent so long building and polishing to crumble with a simple tap of your finger.

In a perfect world, Jay would have already told you all this––he would be unafraid of how you would react, unafraid of your rejection, unafraid of losing this growing relationship with you. But alas, we don't live in a perfect world. And so when Jay drives to class that day, he drives right past your dorm building.

"Where's Y/N?" is the first thing Jake questions when he enters Jay's car that morning, confused by your absence, having been used to you being in the front seat every morning when Jay goes to give Jake rides to class as well.

"I don't know," Jay mutters, unemotional eyes focused on the road in front of him, not interested in continuing a conversation that involves thinking about you.

Jake hesitates as curiosity gets the best of him. "Did you guys get into a fight or something?"

Jay's hands tighten around the steering wheel of his car. "Or something. Let's just leave it at that."

There are a few beats of silence before Jake speaks up again.

"Well, I guess this works out because I wanted to talk to you about something."

Jay continues to stare straight ahead of him, focusing on just trying to get by without mentally beating himself up at the simple thought of you.

The simple thought of you and your smile. Your witty remarks. Your stupid eye rolls. Your laughter. Your kindness. So much for not thinking about you.

"I'm calling it off," Jake's words catch Jay off guard.

"Huh? Calling what off?"

"The bet. I'm calling it off. I don't care about the textbook fees I'll have to pay next semester. Look, fight or not, you and Y/N are good for each other, everyone can see it. And I really don't want this to end up being one of those messed up teen TV shows where the girlfriend finds out the entire relationship was based off of a stupid game and then they break up and the boyfriend falls into eternal sadness and regret. And I don't wanna see you sad, dude. So yeah! Congrats," although he's admitting defeat, Jake's beaming widely, just content with the fact that his best friend has finally found happiness through the form of you. "You win."

But Jay feels like the opposite of a winner. Because even though his only intention coming into this was simply winning the bet, his life isn't as simple as it was a month ago. Because he discovered something much more valuable than some stupid textbook fees or five hundred dollars or getting his physics homework done for an entire semester.

Something he's scared he's already lost.

You.

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The next time you see Jay is at the same time and place as when he first ever appeared to pick you up––at 12:17PM on a Friday afternoon, as you're exiting the doors of the lecture building home to your awfully long Capitalism in World History class. This time, however it's different.

Because this time, it's one month later, and Jay Park is no longer a forgotten side character in the story of your life. This time, you're frustrated because it's been three days since you've last heard from Jay. And because it's been three days since you've last heard from him, you can't focus on anything else, and because you can't focus on anything else, you're falling behind on every other aspect in your life. Jay's somehow managed to become the center of your life without even having to be present.

Well, up until now. Up until you go down the steps of your lecture hall's entrance and look up to be met with a figure leaning on a car you're far too familiar with. You freeze in your steps as you make eye contact with the boy you've been thinking about non-stop for the past month three days.

Your mind tells you to walk away, to just follow your flight instinct instead of fight, to just go back to your normal life. But here's the thing. Ever since Jay's made his way back to your life, it's been far from normal.

And if you're being honest, you had no interest in going back to your normal life. Normal's overrated anyways. You find your legs bringing yourself over to him, your heart leading the way.

"Hi," you simply say, planting yourself right in front of him.

"Hi."

"What are you doing here?" You already know the answer, but you want to hear him say it.

"Waiting for you," Jay doesn't hesitate in answering you. This time will be different, he tells himself.

"I can walk myself home, thanks," you state, but your actions tell differently, as you make no sign of moving from your spot in front of him.

Jay's mind contemplates telling you everything. About how he regrets that friendship-breaking decision he made that one fateful day in the eighth grade, about his true feelings, about how he first suspected these feelings when he was 11 years old and saw you in your fancy get-up for the sixth grade dance but put it off as a little crush, and about how the same feelings grew into something so, so much more in the present. But seeing that putting all these thoughts into words would involve more than one functioning brain cell (which is all he's convinced he has in the moment, for the view of you staring up at him, looking like that, has his brain short-circuiting), he settles with:

"He called it off. It's over. The bet."

"Oh."

Silence.

Okay, Jay. This is your chance. Say it.

"Is that it?" You lift an eyebrow, awaiting for more explanation. When it doesn't come, you slightly nod and start backing away. "I'll see you around then."

Is that it? Do the two of you just go back to your respective lives now? How can Jay do that, when he doesn't even recall what his life was like before you entered it––and especially when he has absolutely no interest in going back to that life?

Fuck it.

"Y/N!" He stands up straight, a newfound confidence taking over. This time will be different, he tells himself. Because now, he knows what he wants. For sure.

You turn towards him, to see him already making his way towards you, stopping in his steps when he finds himself close enough to you that he can't concentrate anymore.

"I'm sorry for ditching you in the eighth grade. I'm sorry for ignoring you since then. I'm sorry for dragging you into this stupid mess and for pushing you away and I'm sorry for calling you a toy. Because it's far from truth. I like you. A lot. And––and I'm scared. I'm scared of what this means for us, because I just keep messing things up and all I know is that I don't wanna wake up tomorrow and realize you're not in my life anymore and––"

"Woah, woah, Jay. Slow down," you look up at him, the corners of your lips threatening to curve up into a smile. "You're an idiot, you know."

Jay's never really confessed his feelings to anyone before, per say, so he doesn't really know what to expect. But he's watched enough Netflix rom-coms in this lifetime (which is still not that many) to know that hearing the words "you're an idiot" isn't what you're supposed to hear after pouring your heart and soul out. Surely not, right?

"I––I'm not sure how to respond to that," he quietly says, searching your eyes for a sign, for anything. You giggle at his sudden shyness as you grab both his arms and look at him right in the eyes.

"It's okay. I get it, if anything, I'm also scared. But you somehow got me wrapped around your stupid finger, and I hate it," you smirk at him, your hands slowly making their way up his arms to circle around his neck.

Jay's hands naturally fall at your waist as he lets out a breathe he didn't even know he was holding as he returns your smirk. "Well, I could say the same about you. And I also hate it, for your information."

"Hmm, is that so? I guess it cancels out then, right?" You smile at him as he's pulling you in so close, your head turns cloudy.

Jay grins at you, his eyes holding so much joy and endearment as they quickly flicker down to your lips before returning to your own eyes. "I guess this only means one thing then."

"Mm, and what's that?"

And before Jay can answer––and because your life's been anything but normal lately––you make the first move this time, moving your head up to close the small gap between the two of you.

His arms instinctively tighten around you as you capture his lips with your very own, and Jay swears he's about to lift off into space right now. He's on cloud nine, and he makes no plans to touch the ground ever again.

The kiss quickly becomes fervent, all the pent-up tension that the two of you had for one another finally finding its way out, all the words that were previously left unsaid finally expressing themselves. You don't even care if you're being judged by the conservative faculty members of your school right now, or by the looks of fellow students walking past the two of you.

You try your best to keep yourself from smiling as he continues to press his lips against yours, his hand moving to hold your chin, guiding your mouth with his.

Before you find yourself getting carried away, you step back to take a breath, resting your forehead against his chest as his hands rest against your back. He smiles at the sound of you giggling against him.

Jay takes a step back to take one look at you and realizes, in this moment, that change can be good. And he's willing to undergo this change. As long as it's with you.

⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺ ⸺

The next morning, you bounce down the steps of your dorm building's entrance to meet the wide, bright smile of your ex-childhood-bestfriend-turned-fake-boyfriend-turned-real-boyfriend waiting for you in front of his car, small pastry bag in hand. You smile back at him.

Jay drives you to class that day.

And everyday after that.

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✰ let me know what you think! if u made it til the end, mwah :') <3