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bluemoonpunch · 6 years ago

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*Youtuber Voice* Let's Talk... 😩

I went outside today and it was like a ~thing~ and July is a ~thing~ and the Eclipses are a ~thing~ too, so I’m going to talk about me because my Throat Chakra is fucked and one of the biggest blocks I have is that I’m afraid to talk about shit that is about ME.

Basically, I went outside, like out into the backyard, out into nature, even though it was very hot and there were bugs, and I had an accumulative epiphany about all my bullshit and why my bullshit has been so bullshitty lately.

It has a lot to do with my strings being cut. If you’ve gotten a personal reading with me before you might have gotten a long drawn out explanation of how certain cycles of soul progression occur internally and then reflect externally, and along with that we have cycles where we are very obviously being guided by the Universe or our Guides, which is then followed by a time where the SOUL has complete and total control and you are essentially guiding yourself. That’s me right now and it’s really fucking annoying.

When you’re being guided — or ME. When I’m being guided it feels like I’m a puppet and I can literally feel those strings attached to my arms and legs, I can feel myself being pulled here and there, having things shown to me, everything is laid out. It feels like that because my Guides know what I HAVE TO DO, they know the contracts, the mission statements, the purpose, the fate, the destiny, all that shit that I can’t consciously remember and put together on my own. They pick me up and put me down in places but I still have to consciously walk in the door, take the path, say the words, meet the people, whatever. It’s a balance, but when I’m very aware that I’m being guided and it’s very obvious to me that this is going to play out exactly as I’m being shown, I trust it and I go with it.

And that is a new thing for me, tbh. It wasn’t until after my mom died that I was like, oh… that’s a thing. I knew this was going to happen because it had to happen because this is going to shoot me off into a whole new situation that I need to align with. I was really fucking scared about it, I don’t like change, I don’t like new things, I’m an asshole like that, but after a year of hell, I literally had no other choice but to trust it and fully put my faith into what I was being VERY CLEARLY guided to do. I went through all the motions, moved in with my grandparents, got a job, met all these people, worked on my anxiety, and then in a very weird and not at all my doing kind of way people started asking me for tarot readings at work. Then they suggested doing a shop, and it was one of those things that was like whispering in my ear like, “yeah, go with that, you need to do that.”

There was a whole lot of other shit happening within me intuitively, energetically, on a soul level that was really propelling that as well, but when it came down to it I was trusting myself only because I knew someone or something else beyond me had my back. I was being pushed to do certain things, and was being shown that if I did it this would happen and that would happen, and then those things would actually happen. So, in a way there’s almost that kind of curiosity on my end of treating it like an experiment where I was just like if I follow this and actually go through with all these little things with no hesitation, will I actually see the results that they are promising me? And guess what, I did. Literally down to the finest details.

So, I have trust, and I guess even though it sounds cheesy, I have faith and a very strong belief in my ability to get the words of my Guides and move forward with them as my template or my guidelines, my map.

BUT!!!

What the fuck am I supposed to trust and have faith in when they decide to cut the strings because this phase of my ~mission~ or my ~purpose~ is over? Me??? Myself??? I??? Lol, sure, yeah, okay.

Like, no offense to me, but I fucking suck.

I mean, I don’t suck, but like…. >.> You know…

Objectively speaking, if I were to step outside of myself and look at me, I definitely do NOT suck. Like, you guys don’t know me personally, but if you could see where I was just two years ago versus where I am right now you wouldn’t even be able to comprehend what the hell happened. It literally looks like I woke up one day and decided to change my entire life and then I just DID after years and years of not being able to do ANYTHING. From the outside looking in, I fucking rock, I’m the baddest bitch you’re ever going to come across, but from the inside, I see myself as a puppet who just lost it’s strings and is sitting there like, “Oh… I’m a real person now.”

My soul is in charge now and it’s more about what I WANT to do rather than what I HAVE to do, and I don’t know how the fuck to cope with that. I don’t think anyone does. Like, if you think about it, society and shit is really that conscious level puppet master that we all have to deal with, and even if we say we want to break away from it and be our own person, think for ourselves, fend for ourselves, be true individuals, we’d all lose our shit if we didn’t have that map, those guidelines, those milestones, those boxes, and labels.

We can rebel against it all we want but socially and consciously, we want that shit. We really fucking want it because it gives us that feeling of being the puppet, of having those strings picking us up, feeling a bit more weightless because, in some respects, we don’t want to have to think for ourselves because then we don’t have to put the blame on ourselves when shit goes wrong. It’s society that is corrupting us, it’s our parents, it’s religion, bla bla bla, excuses excuses.

So, that’s just a thing that we have, it’s part of being human, but on SOUL level, when the strings are cut, the strings are cut. There’s not another set of strings to pick up and attach yourself to, there’s not a soul college following soul high school, it’s just you, and you’re in charge, and there are no other people, systems, or ideas outside of yourself that can dictate where you go from there, even if on a temporary basis.

And the thing is, when I see that shit for other people in personal readings, it looks amazing because I’m always shown it as them being able to do ANYTHING that they want to do and their Higher Self, their Guides, the whole fucking Universe will lay out every path they can to make sure they get what they want. It’s like a reward for doing the work that you were guided to do. You did what you HAD TO and now you get to do what you WANT TO. That’s fucking insane, that’s amazing.

But ME — I’m just sitting here looking at all this cool stuff I have now, looking at Blue Moon Punch, looking at how I’ve changed, looking at all that I’ve done in such a short amount of time and I’m just ragging on myself like, “lol, I didn’t do this, they did it. My Guides did it. They pulled the strings. I can’t maintain this on my own. It’s just going to fall apart.”

Objectively, however, I’m like, “BITCH????? YOU did the WORK. They gave you the instruction manual but YOU did the fucking WORK.”

And then I question the whole thing like I don’t have the manual anymore, so what? Like, I’m such shit because I disregard the fact that I don’t need a fucking manual anymore specifically because I learned already how to use these tools, how to put things together. Like, that’s the whole thing, that’s the whole reason I get to do what I WANT to do — because I CAN. Like???? Come on, ME, stop being an idiot.

Now, why is this happening? Right? That’s the whole thing that I was curious about when I went outside — Why can’t I function like this? Why am I more anxious about this, why am I so completely fucked over the idea of having to do things on my own in a sense? And really, it’s not about being on my own, because obviously, my Guides are still there, it’s just that I’m in control. I’m the authority in my own life and I’m like LOL about it.

One of the revelations that I had while sitting outside for the first time a million years was that I tend to second guess myself a lot because other people have kind of always forced me to do that in a lot of ways in a lot of different scenarios. Everything in my mind goes back to the word “Brat” because that’s what I was called whenever I ~overly expressed myself~ such as throwing tantrums or hitting people, running away, not wanting to be around people when I was really little.

I know, ME, I know that I was always acting a fucking mess as a little kid because I was being sexually abused by three dudes in our apartment complex while also being severely bullied in school by a bunch of older kids while having no friends. I knew that but having everything I did as a cry for help (which is all a 6-year-old can do honestly) be dismissed as, “she’s just being a brat” really taught me to question my own perception of things. Like, is that kind of stuff really that bad? Am I overreacting? Am I really just being a brat?

Learning that at a very young age around that kind of thing just built up this filter for EVERYTHING else. I was always very hyper-aware of other people, how they were looking at me, how they talked to me, and how they talked about me. I would like test the waters and mention things, see how they react, try to express myself in one way or another, but as you can imagine, I’ve always been a bit fucking weird with my talking to dead people and interest in the occult upon other things.

So, I’m very squished inside myself, I’m very careful about what I show to people, what I say, how I say it, even with my family. ESPECIALLY with my family — they’re all Cancers and Geminis, aka Big Mouth Betty’s who love to talk to everyone about everything.

You see, shit like that that gets pressed into your brain when you’re really young can just fester into this giant thing that touches everything that you experience in life. With the blog, I’m always afraid to be as direct and as clear as I could be specifically because I feel like I’m giving you something personal. I’m giving you my interpretation, I’m giving you my perspective, which I see as potentially being “overdramatic” or “too much” or just flat out wrong.

I trust myself to receive the information but I don’t trust myself to express it in a way that makes everyone else happy, or that makes me look not entitled, not crazy, not a “brat”, even though that’s so far away from the point of it.

Even though I try to keep everything objective, I still have that pride and that need to overcompensate for that insecurity that I feel towards my own validity in all areas of my life. I really can’t help but think of everything that I do as being representative of me as a whole person. Like one reading that I post on the blog defines me for that entire week in my head. That’s all I am to everyone until I post something else. All of my thoughts, words, and actions define my entire being, my entire life, moment to moment — that’s how I see it. I don’t exist anywhere else.

And that’s true for everyone, that’s why we dress up to go places and put on friendly faces and voices for a job interview, that shit matters. But for me, more personally, it almost feels dangerous to come off like “too much” because when I was little being “too much” cost me my entire childhood, my mental and physical health, and my sense of security within myself. I genuinely feel so vulnerable and so at risk every time I post something or say something, talk about anything relating to deeper shit, because I see it as a reflection of me in my entirety, and I see ME as the foundation of everything I built.

Actually, that’s a good way to describe it. I feel like I took all the bad bits, everything I hated, and I turned it into the dirt and I built all of this stuff up on top of it. I put myself underneath all of this awesome and righteous shit, and every time I put something out, every time I say anything to anyone, I feel like I’m exposing my foundations. I feel like I’m giving you the opportunity to just start hacking away at my foundations with scrutiny and criticism, which in my mind will bring everything crumbling down. Like, in my head, one bad review on my shop is going to destroy everything and I’ll have no job and I’ll be back living in horrible conditions. Or I’ll do a predictive reading and it doesn’t turn out the way I said it would and suddenly all my validity is gone and everything else that I have put out is null and void.

Someone sent in an ask about why I keep things so vague, and there was much more to it than that, but I was focused on that bit today while I was outside, and I was real with myself about it. I usually say that I keep things vague because I want to respect the privacy of the celebrity and idol’s that I do readings on, and that is true, but there’s some shit that I leave out specifically because it’s too specific, it’s too on the nose, and I go back to that feeling of, “well, if I’m wrong, I’m fucked.” My credibility is on the line, my foundations are at risk, red alert, shut it down.

And when I think about it, that’s such a gross and weird manipulative tactic. Like, it’s not so dramatic where I’m literally feeding you guys bullshit, but I do hit a wall on occasion where I pull back and have to either completely remove things or paint them in a way where I pretend to be confused by it so that if I’m right, lucky me, if not, then, well, I just wasn’t seeing it right. That’s literally so fucking weird to think about, but that’s what I do. I can guarantee you, if there’s a part in a reading on the blog where I say “I don’t know how to explain it” or “This confused me,” it probably didn’t, I was just afraid of being as blatant about it because it was probably coming through really, really clearly and I was like, lol no.

But see, in personal readings I don’t really do that because it’s one-on-one, and I don’t feel so exposed. There’s that whole aspect of consent as well where the person paid for a reading, their energy is open, I’m open, we’re exchanging information and it feels a lot more stable, and I feel like I — ME — can trust THEM to not rip me apart. Whereas doing a reading for the blog, I’m putting someone else who has not given me concent on blast to people who could rip us BOTH apart. So, there’s that weird filter that I put up and that they (the celebrity or idol) put up because we’re both going in like, lol, we’re not safe, but let's see if we can help each other out here.

Like, I’m such a sensitive bitch omg. Criticism to me is so much more than just being told that I’m wrong or that something isn’t as good as it could be, but I still don’t see it as an attack necessarily because I never feel the need to defend myself. I’ll defend myself only when it comes to someone telling me that I’m not doing the work. Like if you come at me and try to tell me I don’t spend enough time on these readings or that I don’t put any effort in or I don’t really care about it, I’ll fucking clap back so fast, like watch the fuck out. You can NOT tell me that I don’t do the work, but you absolutely could tell me that my work is shit and pointless, and I will absolutely believe you.

Legit, I worked three weeks on those monthly readings, and I was so excited about them because it would be something really cheap that anyone could get. They were really detailed, and I used a new deck with them, and it was going to be the new THING. Like, I was really hyping myself up and I was like, yeah, this is going to be great because it’s the eclipses and everyone’s going to really get something from these, and since I’ll be making a bit of money from that I can take a break from personal readings and get things around for the blog and do some work. Like I was really out here living on cloud fucking nine with that shit, and then I LET SOMEONE tell me they weren’t worth the money and that I was a bad person for thinking I deserved to be compensated for the work that I put into those.

Like, I just LET SOMEONE tell me what was up in a matter of two minutes whereas my SOUL was telling me what’s up for three weeks prior. The second I felt like I was being called a “brat” I folded so quick, like all of that build up just went away because I LET SOMEONE put me back in that headspace.

If we really boil that down, that’s why I’m shit and that’s why I don’t think I can handle being in charge. It’s so easy to completely throw me off because in a lot of ways, I’m still stuck in the past, still insecure, still very willing to let people tell me what I am and who I am, and that’s not okay. And I know I have to process it, I have to literally dig up those foundations, get all that shit out of the soil and let it go, but I’m like so stupidly aware of my vibration and my soul progression and where I am and what I’m trying to do, that I just get so scared that if I go back to that, if I face it AGAIN, that I’m just going to get sucked in and then there’s no going back. It’s all going to crumble again and I just won’t have it in me to build it all back up on my own without the strings, without the guidance.

Like I would give anything to feel the way I felt when we were working on the Soul Body stuff for BTS and when I was really pulling together parts of the soul group. Like I was in my element then and I really felt good about what I was doing and I wasn’t so afraid to put stuff out there, but that was only because I was being guided to do so. I was in that state of pure trust in what I was being shown and it was being validated by how people started to find the blog and how everything played out with the healing, and the results of it. Like it was trust and validation back to back, non-stop, but now I’m in a phase where I have to learn to trust and validate myself on my own.

I have so many ideas and plans for BMP, all of which sprang up FROM MY FUCKING SOUL a month or so ago when I felt those strings get cut and I KNOW they are things that I WANT to do, and I feel so good about them, and the monthly readings were one of them, but I get so in my head and I get so nervous about what other people are going to think, how am I going to look, how am I going to fuck this all up?

So, bAsICaLlY, I want to experiment again, as in doing what I did in the second half of 2018 where I completely put my faith in my Guides to guide me, but this time around really go with my soul. Like full on, whatever gives me that excited, tight chest, adrenalin kind of feeling, I’m going to do everything in my power to pursue and see it through. And since I can get in my head about shit, I’m only holding myself to it until the end of the year (and hopefully shit will have turned out well enough that I’ll just be in that headspace well into 2020 as well).

I invite you guys to do that as well, even if it’s just a little bit. Pay attention to your SOUL. Whenever you get one of those ideas or you come across something that makes you excited. Like, just that kind of shit that makes your heart race and immediately floods your brain with inspiration and images of opportunities and abundance, and all that kind of stuff — pursue it. We, as people in society, are so quick to shut things like that down because it’s considered childish to be that excited about something, or we think of certain things as being impossible or out of reach, and just… WHY?

When you feel shit like that, when it’s like about to all explode out of your chest, that’s your SOUL. Your SOUL is reacting to you finally, on a conscious level, catching something that it’s been throwing at you for days, weeks, months, or even years. If it feels like too much or something that you can’t do, keep in fucking mind that there’s not a damn thing that is within reach or easy to do for anyone ever. The only thing that’s really scary is the idea of doing something outside of your comfort zone, and what’s outside of your comfort zone is what’s outside of that map, it’s anything that removes your strings.

None of us want to live with strings but sometimes it’s necessary, but when you have the opportunity to cut them off, even in one area of your life, try to embrace it. Try to move with that feeling and DO IT. Again, I’m presenting this challenge for myself only for the last 6 months of the year, and just imagine how things can change in that amount of time. In 2017, within three months alone, I went from living in a roach-infested house with no running water and not a dime to my name to living in my own apartment (which is owned by my grandparents by whatever) with a job and money coming in. Shit really can change like that overnight even if you’ve been down and low for a long, long, long time.

Fully 100% I’m using this post as a way to kind of commit myself to this, to honoring myself and to putting my own inner guidance and awareness over external factors that may only exist in order to bring me down and stop me from moving forward. I really do want you guys to try it as well and I want you to check out the monthly readings (available here) because a lot of them did have stuff regarding changes and really stepping into your power, and I think they still stand up for what they are.

In addition to that, I have two videos here to share from Aluna Ash and Olivia of OJC Astrology. These videos both came out today and they both really resonated with me after my little outdoor escapade of self-awareness and other fuckery. I think at least one of them will hit home with every person that read this far down.

And that’s all I guess, thanks for reading. :)

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linernotesandseasons · 5 years ago

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My 19 Favorite Albums of 2019

2019 is coming to a close. The entire decade is coming to a close. This list has been an increasingly comforting exercise the last few years. I guess this will be the eighth annual version of the linernotesandseasons favorite albums of the year list! Crazy how time passes. So here are the collections of songs that I used to mark my personal time & space this year. The lyrics that I learned by heart & sang out in dark & dirty rock clubs. I also made a spotify playlist with two songs from each album if you’re interested in listening along as you read.

This year most of my writing focuses on when & why I fell in love with a specific album. Sometimes the history is important, building a base or connecting some threads, so when relevant, I have also included my history with when I fell in love with a specific artist. And finally, as has become more important to my music chasing brain in the last few years, why this artist or album is important to music right now. What they’re doing to leave a mark on the world, in whatever small space or way.

So without any further ado, here it is, in no particular order (unless you’re particularly knowledgable or fond of the english alphabet) my 19 (well actually 20 cuz freaking Big Thief put out two!) favorite albums of 2019. It’s been a pleasure.

BETTER OBLIVION COMMUNITY CENTER / Better Oblivion Community Center

Spring 2019 in Denver was cold & breezy, sunny & exciting. I had spun the Phoebe Bridgers/Conor Oberst match-made-in-indie-emo-sad-folk-heaven record once through, but in late March I made a game time (like I bought a day-of ticket off stubhub at 6pm!) decision to drive down from work and see their show at the Gothic on South Broadway. I’d been up since 7am the night (morning?) before, watching opening day baseball live from Japan (on March 20th?!). Ichiro’s final game and I was feeling maybe a little emotionally fragile already. But anyway… Better Oblivion Community Center’s live show (they call them meetings) has all the potential to come off as cheesy or contrived. A recorded voice welcomes you, self-help-cult style, and invites you to “celebrate sound & light” & “travel the well worn pathways,” because “we are one.” A mystical backdrop gives a hint of what you’re in for (I didn’t know what I was in for...) with letters at the top reading “It will end in tears.” The band is brilliant, loose, & fun. They play all the songs. They play “Lua,” “Bad Blood,” & “Easy/Lucky/Free” from the endlessly varied Bright Eyes catalog. They turn Phoebe’s “Funeral” into a punk blast. They cover The Replacements! They wear shades and sing a song from lawn chairs! The show feels effortlessly cool and I feel like I’m part of something special again. Music has a way of doing that.

The record is perfectly equal parts Phoebe & Conor. From the opening lines, where Phoebe takes control with “my telephone it doesn’t have a camera” sounding for all the world like a gloriously mopey “Smoke Signals Vol. 2″ to the way Oberst sings the first lines of ethereal closer “Dominoes” sounding 100% like Cassadaga-era Bright Eyes. If you know & love either, you should know the other now. Phoebe carries a torch from early 2000′s emo with a sad-at-heart, genius songwriting style that emphasizes pinpoint autobiographical lyrics, a cutting, (even humorous at times) wit, and a teenage, feminist, internet, millennial heart. Oberst for his part has kept up a steady output since Bright Eyes, and (at least lyrically) doesn’t seemed to have cheered up much. Better Oblivion Community Center’s self titled debut feels fresh & catchy. While there is definitely an aching sadness in the duo’s songwriting, light hearted moments abound, and the writing often points to getting older, all hard work & growth. There is the bouncing outro to “Sleepwalkin’” where their voices rise in unison singing “Acting insane, playing it safe, I wasn’t sold on that plan anyways. Feeling afraid of making a change.” Or in the bright, rolling verses of “My City” where they go looking for “little moments of purpose.” But the one song I kept going back to; the one I recorded to cassette tape and played on almost every drive home from work at 4am through April & May, is the bittersweet closer “Dominoes.” Ironically, this one is a Taylor Hollingsworth cover (I think that’s him adding the random, spooky voice overs) but Conor takes the lead on vocals, singing a mostly lonely, hopeless tale, until the last verse when Phoebe cuts in. She’s “carpooling to kingdom come, into the wild purgatory.” Encouraging us to “Experience a magic rainbow, all you gotta’ do is follow. & if you’re not feeling ready… There’s always tomorrow.”

“The world will not remember when we’re old & tired / We’ll be blowing on the embers of a little fire…”

BIG THIEF / U.F.O.F. & Two Hands

2019 was the year that I finally finally got really really into Big Thief. A band’s band known for their live show (I still have yet to see them live) their following seems equal parts cult-y and universal. How a band that sounds the way they do, made it almost to the top of the indie-rock world is an exciting & inviting mystery.

This year, for me, the catalyst was “Cattails.” Released at the beginning of April, this song struck me and stuck with me, making its way onto almost every mix I made last Spring, Summer, & Fall (including this one for my Mom!) A real song of the year contender (& my #1 most listened to song of 2019 on spotify!), “Cattails” is a melodic, driving, beautiful tune, that finds singer & front person Adrienne Lenker marking Time (”riding that train in late June”) & Space (”going back home to the great lakes”) with grace & depth. There is a sacredness & mysticism tied up in a lot of Lenker’s writing and she refers to her writing experience with “Cattails” saying…

“It was one of those electric, multicolored waves of connectivity just sweeping through my body. I stayed up late finishing the song and the next morning was stomping around playing it over & over again. We thought why not just record it … & when James and I were playing it felt like a little portal in the fabric had opened and we were just flying. Listening back to it makes me cry sometimes.”

In truth, U.F.O.F. (the last f stands for “friend,” a way of humanizing the foreign) is a gorgeous record. Soft & gentle, full of songs about the constant tussle between things known & unknown. A real headphones-on-an-airplane record. And then, out of nowhere, Big Thief announced that they had a second (!) record on the way in the Fall. A dirt & earth twin for U.F.O.F., a special surprise gift for their burgeoning fan base. They announced Two Hands with the vicious single “Not,” a song very unlike “Cattails.” A brooding, ravenous rock song that made me remember why I love unhinged, well-written, unafraid rock & roll music. Another song of the year contender. If you’ve followed this blog the last few months, my well thought out comments to “Not” were “ohhhhhhhhhhhhh shit” & “oh my holy shit.” to the live version! But it was actually the second track on Two Hands that solidified Big Thief’s greatness for me. “Forgotten Eyes” is sonically similar to “Cattails” and rides the same effortless rhythm, driven by Lenker’s repeating guitar riff and James Krivchenia’s consistently impressive drumming. The riff seems to fall in & out magically, and the writing bookends “Cattails” with lyrics that speak to both a great pain & a great universal truth. While she wanders through homelessness & death, Lenker reflects beautifully on the life cycle we (& our planet, & maybe everything?) are all going through.

“Forgotten dance is the one left at birth / Forgotten plants in the fossils of earth / & they’ve long passed but they are no less the dirt / Of the common soil keeping us dry & warm / The wound has no direction / Everybody needs a home & deserves protection…”

BLACK BELT EAGLE SCOUT / At the Party With My Brown Friends

After finding Black Belt Eagle Scout’s debut album late last year, I soundtracked many a dusk, dawn, or midnight drive with her swirling vocals & entrancing guitar, usually in the cold & dark, through the early part of 2019. It made my 2018 favorites list, and her Larimer Lounge show in May was a highlight. I guess it makes sense then, that I didn’t truly fall for her sophomore album At the Party With My Brown Friends (released in August) until it got cold in November and I was able to take it out for some dark, snowy drives. Moody & serious at times, Black Belt Eagle Scout sounds every bit like the gray Pacific Northwest where front person Katherine Paul (KP) hails from. The lyrics are simple, repeating phrases, full of deep, important ideas. Family & friends. People & land. There are bursts of guitar coming out of rewarding slow builds, shredd-y, rhythmic, & melodic. Also, all the instruments on ATPWMBF are played by KP, and the drumming is fucking fantastic.

I have some sort of longer form writing building somewhere in the back of my mind about listening to music in cars, and both Black Belt Eagle Scout albums are perfect examples for that. I have always loved the feeling of having roads (highways or simply long straight dirt back roads) & music to listen to. In high school, we would sometimes get in the car simply to drive & listen to music (small town life ya know?) and I still relish any chance I get to take new (or old & long loved) songs & albums on road trips or just commutes around town. The time to sit with the songs, to focus on nothing but the words & melodies, instruments & voices, & the pull of the road, mystical & magical. Black Belt Eagle Scout’s songs have been a calming companion on a lot of drives over the last year, and I recommend you taking them out on a spin of your own. Drive to that coffee shop that’s 30 minutes away that you’ve been wanting to go to, drive out of town just to drive, alone with your thoughts & the road. You just might learn something about yourself.

“& I wake up / I love you / Screaming loudly / Screaming softly too / Am I here? / My heart dreams…”

BON IVER / i,i

Bon Iver is a long time favorite and if you’ve followed this blog at all, you know how much I love his albums and how much Justin Vernon’s Eaux Claires festival has helped shaped my musical timeline. Seeing 22, A Million (the record that precedes i,i) live in Wisconsin by the river for the first time, was something special. That record made my 2016 favorites list, but until this year, until i,i, my story of the music felt very insular. Special & secret for me, confined to very specific times & places. Only to make me feel certain things. It’s why I was hesitant to buy a ticket to see the Red Rocks show last September. Or why I questioned streaming the album early while I was on vacation in Holden Beach, North Carolina. I thought the songs were only meant to carry me back to the river, back to Wisconsin, back to the Summer. Back to a very specific, special place in my heart. But thanks to the wonders of spotify, and the Bon Iver crew just up and releasing the album a week early under the simple & generous guise of “wanting folks to have the album & learn the songs before the tour!!” I obliged and… YESSSS that’s how you do an album release in 2019! I had the album in my headphones as I ran and sweated on the beach in North Carolina, letting brand new songs transport me thousands of miles away.

i,i is a gloriously weird, perfected mess of a hit indie record. It’s everything I wanted the next chapter of the Bon Iver story to be. It feels personal & widescreen. Little moments stretched out and shared with family & friends. Lyrics about growth & hard work & life (& a few WTFs, it’s Bon Iver after all!) The gang’s all here again (the massive crew that worked on the album are all pictured on the record’s gloriously, weird inside gatefold!) recorded from Vernon’s home (April) base in Wisconsin, to Sonic Ranch in west Texas (also pictured in the liner notes) walking distance from our southern border. The sounds are all here again too. There are hints of For Emma’s Winter falsetto folk in the gorgeous acoustic guitar of “Marion.” There are the industrial swells & stomps, bleeps & bloops of bi, bi’s Spring in the warbling, green grass, warmth of “Holyfields.” Then there is the distortion, the choppy samples of 22, in the jigsaw glory of “iMi,” the way it starts & stops, all choruses & voices, real & programmed. Threads of new songs tied up with threads from long, long ago. There is a fullness to i,i, a generosity, a true front to back album, with hits & new favorites sprinkled everywhere. The second half blooms with the charging folk of “Salem” & “Faith” and the contentedness of closer “RABi.” These are songs that I will love for years to come. These songs make me happy. They make me think. They make me want to share them with friends. They make me want to work on relationships. Songs about life. Songs about true, unconditional friendship. As Justin said way back in 2015, when my journey with the Bon Iver story began “The story is history, nothing more. Only the music can rise anew. & it is gone as soon as it is sung. & so we sing again…” I am soo soo happy to sing again, with songs anew.

“Living in a lonesome way / Had me looking other ways / Cuz I am lost here again / But on a bright Fall morning I’m with it / I stood a little within it…”

EARTHGANG / Mirrorland

EARTHGANG’s major label debut Mirrorland comes in hot & dancing, a hip hop duo with a true tribute to Southern culture, and a whole world encapsulated in 14 tracks. My personal introduction to the EARTHGANG universe, came courtesy of a dusk till dark dance fest at Denver’s Underground Music Showcase on South Broadway back in sweaty July. Their energy was infectious, their stories hilarious, & their songs stuck in my head. Specifically the Young Thug featuring “Proud Of U,” a song that carries enthusiasm & positivity through to the end. Other standouts include colorful, bouncing opener “LaLa Challenge,” & the squealing horns of Atlanta hot spot, name dropping “Wings.” A concept album of sorts Mirrorland references “The Wiz” as a jumping off point saying,

“We thought about how, if we’re going to make a project sonically to rival The Wiz, we got to create another world for people to imagine & go to. You know when Dorothy got swept away and she met the Munchkins? That was such a beautiful thing. You could see Quincy Jones on the piano, just playing away. It’s really colorful. It’s really dangerous. It’s really trippy. It’s literally Freaknik Atlanta in the summertime—folks riding around in cars with big rims with paint on their faces.”

EARTHGANG was formed in 2008 by high school buddies Johnny Venus & Doctur Doc in Atlanta, GA. It’s impossible to ignore Outkast comparisons and for their part, EARTHGANG does their best to keep up the Southern hip hop tradition. Mixing in bits of soul, blues, & jazz, Mirrorland plays like an homage, a soundtrack to the South. A real reminder that the album is not dead. These songs sound best played together. Also, that the hip hop group, or duo, is not dead. And finally, that touring and playing live shows is most definitely not dead. I probably still wouldn’t have heard about EARTHGANG if it wasn’t for their primo UMS slot (at the same Import Mechanics stage where Leikeli47 & Kiltro played!) and infectiously positive live show. Speaking of their live show, see y’all at Cervantes on February 3!

“One time, one time for your baby moms / Two time for the hand in the candy jar / Holy Ghost showed up in my favorite thong / Three times in the car for the way we are / Another white man scared, another black man dead / Another rich man war, another red man bled / I been writing this album down way too long / When I drop my shit, pray it hit the toilet like lala, lalalalala...”

FRUIT BATS / Gold Past Life

In the Autumn of 2013, my coworker Cassandra Disney at Mile High Organics played me “When You Love Somebody” by Fruit Bats (had that song already been out for 10 years in 2013?!) on one of her early morning work mixes, and I immediately put it on one of my favorite (if embarrassingly bro-folk heavy) mixes I have ever made myself. Discovering a weird/cool indie band in the vein of all my other loves (Band of Horses, The Shins, Modest Mouse, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, etc…) but more underground (!) was hipster heaven. I subsequently forgot about Fruit Bats for awhile, but was reminded with their graceful “comeback” album Absolute Loser in 2016. Although that one missed my favorites list, it gradually became a constant road trip companion; from the mountains of Colorado, through the great American Southwest, and even on some epic Mexican back roads. All alt-country, lost 70′s AM radio classics, and wistful, witty, & wise writing about highways and scenery. A true classic.

I was therefore super excited for Gold Past Life (Fruit Bats’s seventh album?!) to drop on Merge Records this Summer, and fell in love pretty quickly on a late afternoon drive across the high road between Taos and Santa Fe, New Mexico back in late June. Swirling guitar, bouncy piano. and Eric D. Johnson’s piercing, clear, impassioned vocals. Fruit Bats sound timeless & effervescent. Upbeat guitar rock with some weird twists, and Johnson’s consistently bittersweet, humorous, & big hearted lyrics. Growing up, growing older, & grinning a wry smile at a golden world. After catching back to back beautiful Fruit Bats shows in Fort Collins & here in Denver at the Bluebird this September, these folks are the real deal. Long live touring bands, long live seventh albums, long live music marking time & space! Here’s to many more Fruit Bats albums, Gold Past Life will be car stereo classic for awhile.

“Still waiting around for some mystical shift in the winds / So honey please, don’t go just yet / Cigarette fingers, a shake in the knees / A bit blue, kind of tired, but not broken… Anticipating a magical bend in the road / So hang on, take it slow / Your go bag is packed & your hangover gone / Another dawn at the edge of the known world…”

HISS GOLDEN MESSENGER / Terms of Surrender

Durham, North Carolina’s Hiss Golden Messenger (folklorist, family man, & singer-songwriter MC Taylor & revolving crew) have become something of a mainstay on this music blog & in my car’s cd player over the last five years. I picked up a used (!), advance (!) copy of Lateness of Dancers in the $1 bin at a record store in Seattle, Washington. after having been passed a burned copy of his 2010 solo album Bad Debt by an old coworker. Lateness ended up on my 2014 favorites list. Two years later, Heart Like A Levee made my 2016 list, and the next year, Hallelujah Anyhow was one of my favorites of 2017! I referred to the songs on Hallelujah as Hiss “building a repertoire, creating a legacy.” This may seem like quite a bit of superfluous backstory, but believe me, it is essential to the story, a journal of the journey. Geographic art for a topographic heart if you will. But anyway, Terms of Surrender…

The title is cryptic, referencing (as Taylor puts it “what we are prepared to sacrifice in order to live the lives that we think we want”) and the songs are deep (& growing deeper) & timeless. Not so much timeless in the way Yola’s songs sound timeless (skip down a few albums on this list to read about Yola!) but timeless in the way the songs seem to seep their way into my bones and stay for years. Terms burst on the scene with the release of the first single “I Need a Teacher” back in stormy June. With bright, rolling guitar stabs courtesy of The National’s Aaron Dessner (whose upstate New York recording studio was home for the Terms recording sessions), “Teacher” is about “the search for infallible guidance in an ever-changing universe.” but it is also about everyday work. Dedicated every night of the tour to all the teachers in the room, a political statement wrapped up in the seemingly obvious sentiment of “Defend Public Schools.” See what I mean? Timeless songs written for the here & now. “Bright Direction” & “My Wing” are reminiscent of Hallelujah’s “Jenny” & “Darkness.” a 1-2 punch of driving, drifting major key numbers, written from a hillside in Virginia, high on mushrooms. They contain multitudes. With a murky middle (Brad Cook gets funky on “Old Enough to Wonder Why” & “Cat’s Eye Blue”) & the already canonical Hiss’ live fav “Happy Birthday Baby,” the back half of Terms spreads out the Hiss’ sound in new ways. New live favorite, the nostalgic “Down at the Uptown,” had me googling maps of San Francisco to find the mythical Uptown bar where Taylor first heard Patti Smith’s Horses.

In late October, Hiss played an absolutely glorious three night run at little Globe Hall over in Globeville, just Southeast of where Interstate 70 meets Interstate 25. I went to all three shows. The shows were special & career spanning; from “Jesus Shot Me in the Head,” to Dead covers (& a Jesus & Mary Chain cover!) to all the Terms songs. I spent the Saturday afternoon before show #2, walking around the disappearing & rapidly gentrifying neighborhood in & around Globeville (& drifting across the highway into Sunnyside) listening to Terms of Surrender on my headphones. Thinking about the things I’m willing to sacrifice, thinking about the life I want, what are my Terms? After all, “It’s a real live world & I wanna live in it.”

“Something drove me crazy / Love had me lazy / Backwards won’t get me to my destination / Move me in some bright direction / Looking to be captured, looking for my freedom / Oh, dreams will come to get you / So careful what you’re wishing / Your family might correct you / Your heart might take a pounding / Make sure you take a picture…”

JUNE JONES / Diana

I can’t remember where I first heard of June Jones, but I’d like to think it was from one of my many Australian music friends (thanks Camp Cope, Julia Jacklin, Middle Kids, Courtney Barnett, Gang of Youths etc…!) The music community is a wonderful thing. June’s songs can be hard to explain, but Diana is an epic album that burns with a steady, stately drama. Most of the songs ride swelling synths and measured, 80’s sounding drums and center around June’s unique, emotive voice and head turning lyrics. Jones had fronted the Australian rock band Two Steps on the Water and written songs on the guitar for many years, but it’s pretty clear from listening to the writing and sound on Diana that these songs were meant for piano, synth, and a solo album. Her own writing. Her own words.

The album begins with the brooding “Rome From Afar” and the opening line “I got drunk again last night & I fell down outside the bathroom at my little sister’s party.” It then follows a dancing bass line into an apocalyptic nightmare of a world ending. “Meryl” is a gorgeous, autobiographical (?) song, an ode to “complicated” hard working women everywhere. There are parts of Diana that nod to it being a break up album, like in the gorgeously melancholic “Boulder Falling Slow” (”I am a boulder falling slow / You’re a magnificent spiderweb”) but I have been viewing it as just a complex, everyday life album. Jones lets her magnificent voice trail slowly over seemingly uncomfortable or awkward topics that she strives to make… not so. Sorry Alex Cameron, your “eating your ass like an oyster” line in “Miami Memory” is only the second best “eating ass” line this year after Jones’ “Look at You Go!” Her voice often belies the emotion in her lyrics, she works it up & down, and lets it stretch out over words, like in lonely closer “Sixteen Horses,” but she also sounds almost matter of fact at times. There is a moment in the piano led “Thorn” where she glibly throws “Have you seen the moon tonight? No, me neither, who cares about the moon when everything is dying?” over an understated horn trill. Everything is dying after all, but I want June Jones to sing it to me like an Australian Lana Del Rey or Matt Berninger. Trust me, you’ll be hearing more about June Jones in the coming years. Watch out.

“I haven’t thought too much about family / Ain’t got no husband or a couple of kids / I’ve spent 26 years in this office / I said goodbye to my relationships a long time ago / What does the mayor of a small town heart do after she retires?”

JUSTIN PETER KINKEL-SCHUSTER / Take Heart, Take Care

My long time music friend Adam over at songsfortheday had been trying to tell me about Justin Peter Kinkel-Schuster for quite a few mixes with songs I loved from his 2016 release Constant Stranger. But it somehow wasn’t until I needed Take Heart, Take Care, that Schuster’s work hit me right. It didn’t feel like a light at the end of the tunnel, but more like a light in the tunnel, something lasting, a collection of songs lifting up & out towards a light. As Schuster wrote upon it’s release…

“Here, I’ve fumbled my way, as always, and of necessity, into a collection of songs that hold a light to the joys & comforts of life not given up on, those that appear over time as we are looking elsewhere, to surprise & delight us when we need them most. Sure, it’s me, so there are glimpses of and nods to the dark, but the dark is not winning anymore. I simply mean to acknowledge its presence. To me, that’s the most fundamental job of songs, of stories, of all art — to be allies, friends, companions, when we need them most and it’s my hope that these songs can do that work in a world that seems to need it. If you are lucky enough to have something good to say, say it. Please. We’ll thank each other, now & later.”

So i guess it’s that second part that I have found solace in through my 20′s and into my 30′s. That songs (and stories & all art, but songs & albums seem to be my thing) can be allies, friends, & companions, and that sometimes (like Hanif Abdurraqib wrote in his brilliant collection of essays “They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us”)…

“If you believe, as I do, that a blessing is a brief breath to take in that doesn’t taste of whatever is holding you under: say I Speak To God In Public and mean more than just in his house, or mean more than just next to people who might also speak to God in public, or say God and mean whatever has kept you alive when so many other things have failed to.“

Take Heart, Take Care is a straightforward, well written, indie rock album. The songs ring true with light & darkness, an uplifting take on growing older and finding “Plenty Wonder” still to be found in the world. Schuster played the Hi-Dive on South Broadway in November, the last show on the Take Heart tour. A show I had bought tickets for months in advance, and I found myself in a crowd of maybe 15 people, celebrating the songs of Take Heart, Take Care. Listening to a writer with something good to say. Trying all in our own way to hold our own. I have a feeling I’ll keep these songs with me for awhile.

“Time is the mender / Whose strange mechanics yet untold / Bid us rise entwined together / So take heart, take care / Be true but beware / & honey we need not be scared…”

KARA JACKSON / A Song for Every Chamber of the Heart

In only 10 minutes & 42 seconds, Kara Jackson creates an intimate, magical world with just her voice and a guitar on her debut EP A Song for Every Chamber of the Heart. Four intricate & intentional songs, none longer than three minutes, finger picked slowly & methodically, Jackson balances a poetic, whimsical wandering with a steely focus on the craft of songwriting. These are the bones of songs, played honest & upfront, with no adornment. There is room for Jackson’s lyrics to really shine, all aching & wistful, yet practical. Like the way she balances “I have a crush, I have an ache” with “I know that love’s just a pain in the ass” in the bittersweet “Crush.” Her songs buzz with a youthful energy & teen angst. Wise beyond their years, finding their way in the world. As a songwriter and a poet, Jackson writes about race, activism, social justice, self, bodies, & humanity.

At 20 (!) years old, Chicago’s Jackson is... oh also a poet. The 2019 National Youth Poet Laureate (!) in fact, and it was her absolutely breathtaking writing about being a teenager that first caught my attention. She quotes Gwendolyn Brooks (pulitzer prize winning American poet) in her Ted Talk saying “write what’s under your nose.” She says that Brooks took the mundane and put it on a pedestal. That she understood there are “poems in train cars, poems on front lawns, & poems in microwaves & tea kettles.” An almost obligation to celebrate the ordinary. Ordinary folks celebrating similar ordinary folks. It’s the way that John Darnielle howls on The Mountain Goats song “Werewolf Gimmick” (track nine on 2015′s Beat the Champ) about “nameless bodies in unremembered rooms.” In his prerelease essay for Merge Records, music writer Joseph Fink wrote that the entire career of The Mountain Goats has been about “giving names to nameless bodies and remembering unremembered rooms.” and what a worthy cause that is. That thought has stuck with me for years and I have always loved the specificity of it. Whether it is Darnielle resurrecting historical characters real or fictional, or the way Lady Lamb (keep reading a few more albums down!) celebrates the specifics of her friends & family, in all the messy details. Written in song, remembered forever. It is also essential that all cultures have artists who look like them and think like them, as the ones doing the remembering. It’s why it’s so important that Kara Jackson is the one doing the remembering for young black girls. The same way Eve Ewing did for her, and Gwendolyn Brooks did before that. I can appreciate the magic of the remembering, but I need to let them be the ones to tell the stories. Oh, speaking of appreciating, I bugged Jackson enough on social media and got a handmade PHYSICAL copy of the EP that I’m hanging onto forever cuz it’s probably gonna be like the next original pressing of Bon Iver’s For Emma! Thanks Kara!

“Don’t take my pillowcase, that's my place to be alone / Don’t take my lamp from me, it helps me read about places I don’t know / Don’t take a lot for me to be on my own...”

KILTRO / Creatures of Habit

My end of the year albums list usually has at least one local Denver band. The Lumineers way back in 2012, Gregory Alan Isakov & Covenhoven in 2013, Nathaniel Rateliff, Covenhoven (again!), & The Yawpers in 2015, Nina de Freitas in 2017 (hey Nina & the Hold Tight, new album in 2020 please?!), and Izcalli last year. Kiltro is a part Coloradan, part Chilean folk band that have been putting on one of my favorite live shows around town this year. The brainchild of Chris Bowers-Castillo, a native Coloradan who spent time growing up in Valparaiso, Chile, Kiltro is named after the Spanish word “Quiltro” meaning a mixed breed dog. A dog that Kiltro has taken for their logo. In their own way, Kiltro is a mix breed; both in the way they mix the sounds of South America with the folk music of North America, and also the way they mix organic, acoustic instrumentation, with electronic, looping sounds and effects pedals. Their live show is a masterclass in layers, with Bowers-Castillo adding loops of guitar rhythms (sometimes simply bare hands slapping beats on the top of the guitar) to steady bass & drums, until the songs swell & build into dramatic crescendos and almost EDM-influenced drops. The extended intros & outros are my favorite parts of their songs and the live versions (from their sweaty 2pm UMS dance party, to Lulu’s Downstairs in Manitou Springs) have stirred hearts & feet alike with dancing not usually found in the Colorado “indie-hipster” scene. Keep an eye on these guys and maybe come out to Larimer Lounge in January and witness the dance party for yourself!

“Somewhere down the bank where the dogs go / Por la calle que te lleva a Curicó / & down the beach, where no others can find / Ni por agua, piso, coche, ni avión...”

LADY LAMB / Even in the Tremor

As I have been writing this year’s favorites list, I’m realizing that so many of the albums I loved & learned, came hand in hand with experiencing the artist, and specifically that new album, live. Lady Lamb released Even in the Tremor, her masterful & moving third album, way back in April, and I had a Spring-y three weeks to learn all her intricate, visceral lyrics to sing back at her Larimer Lounge stop in Denver on the Deep Love tour. Maine by way of Brooklyn’s (by way of a bunch of other places) Aly Spaltro has always written songs for Lady Lamb like her hair’s on fire. Wailing & gasping about blood & guts & death over spiraling electric guitar, there is a realness to her writing that reminds me of the east coast emo I grew up on. But for all the blood red gore & messy heartbreak that colors much of the Lady Lamb discography, there is a light hearted tenderness as well. Tremor has songs written for & about friends, lovers, parents, & god. Quirky opener “Little Flaws” is a first-dance-worthy love song, while personal favorites “Strange Maneuvers” & “Emily” are odes to platonic friendships, mental health, & growing up. In the same way I wrote about Kara Jackson celebrating the ordinary, Lady Lamb has always celebrated specifics of people, time & space. Tremor’s characters are Spaltro’s real life people (Emily, Shervin, Kurt (Kurtie Bear), Isaac, & her Mom), and the places (the diner, the batting cage, Templehof Park, Midtown, Berlin, Montreal, Madrid, a fast food joint, the stage of a church, someplace upstate, Lavanderia & Graham Ave) are specific, varied, & globe spanning. Her stories are autobiographical and rewarding and the music is stirring, singer-songwriter rock & roll with some punch behind it. She is one of my favorite modern writers for her ability to not just tell a story, but to find wonder in the small things and to celebrate the ordinary. Like she tells Shervin, minutes before “Emily” closes the album on a gorgeous, uplifting high note, “No photographic artifact, but here is something better than that.”

“There’s a picture that I found, my first car in the falling snow / Seems like yesterday I drove down into low tide / & Isaac snapped a polaroid of me pretending I was sinking, pressed against the glass pleading / I misplaced it but I’m looking... / When we are young, if only we could see beyond our fears where we are free / When we are lonely if only we could know that in our stillness we are growing... / All the portraits we collected, while we were running around in the desert / We were trying to seem fulfilled to rewrite our New York City narratives / But Emily we were utterly dejected / We took turns crying on the passenger side of America / Too clouded to be empowered by towering Redwoods... / When did we lose the ancient truths? / Is it what we’re born bending our bodies toward?...”

LIZZO / Cuz I Love You

For much of 2019, Lizzo could be heard playing everywhere. The 31 year old Minnesotan’s third full length album Cuz I Love You, came out in April, after a busy three years of huge singles, consistent touring, & building a repertoire of songs capable of headlining arenas. When Lizzo finally exploded these last few years, it has been fun watching the whole world embrace her uptempo, bold, self-love anthems, and hearing them blaring from open Subaru windows in Cap HIll, from balconies & rooftops in uptown, and on the lips of countless joggers & bikers, loving themselves in the Denver Summer sun. I know for my part, I took Lizzo with me to the beaches of North Carolina & through the Southern mountains of Colorado, dancing, singing, & gleefully giggling along. Bottom line, the songs on Cuz I Love You are FUN! You try not to crack a smile as Lizzo romps through “Never been in love before, what the fuck are fucking feelings yo?” on the bouncing, brassy, vocal led, track one title track MOMENT. Or the way she makes up the word “accessorary” on the spot (“my ass is not an accessorary”) and then fires back with “Yeah, I said it, accessorary!” Lizzo has been an outspoken supporter of our generation’s version of the self-love, body positivity movement, and has put her money (and body) where her mouth is, inspiring legions of teens & twenty somethings to do the same. “Soulmate” is a loner anthem that finds Lizzo belting “True love ain’t something you can buy yourself / True love finally happens when you’re by yourself / So if you by yourself, then go and buy yourself another round from the bottle on the higher shelf.” The soulful slowdown “Jerome” is about being the bigger person and ending a relationship that isn’t working. Lizzo manages to actually address her own issues, focus on the work she needs to do (“I’m trying to be patient & patience takes practice.”) and still absolutely belt a singalong chorus that rhymes Jerome with “take your ass home.” Also, the deluxe version of Cuz I Love You tacks on three previous Lizzo singles that hadn’t found an album home. Those singles? “Boys,” “Truth Hurts,” & “Water Me.” Three songs totaling almost 555 MILLION plays on Spotify. With apologies to Ariana Grande & Billie Eilish (Billie see ya in a few months at the Pepsi Center!) Lizzo is the biggest superstar that I want on this list. And she 100% deserves every bit of it.

“If I’m shinin’ everybody gonna’ shine...”

ORVILLE PECK / pony

There is an appealing, theatrical quality to the dramatic country songs on Orville Peck’s debut record Pony. I spent my high school years growing up in small town Western Colorado so country music has been embedded in my brain since I was 11. I’ve gone through so many phases of loving it, hating it, loving it ironically, nostalgically, hating it for it’s sound, cheesiness, backwards politics, etc... But with Pony; these are true country songs written by a gay, masked cowboy anti-hero from.. Toronto? Maybe? Who is Orville Peck?!?! It’s like all the best parts of “country” music came together. And the mask? The fringe? All the packaging & theatrics? It makes it fun. Part Bowie, part Coheed & Cambria, part Grace Jones, part Ghost, part Brandon Flowers. Hollywood meets Vegas meets Carson City.

When I listen to Orville Peck’s songs it brings together so many feelings from my youth. From country radio & boxes of old country cds, to the dramatic side of theatre, play acting on a stage, dress-up, halloween, cowboys, loneliness, & the open road. From the tumbleweed roll & mournfully powerful coyote howl of opener “Dead of Night,” to the shoegaze rumble, autumn ride of “Winds Change.” Peck’s lyrics are honest & heartfelt, drawing on sweeping, western imagery, & idolizing the classic country ideal... the cowboy. Music marks time & place and Peck makes sure to reference the cities along his highway songs. Salt Lake City, Las Vegas, Carson City, Kansas, a veritable Rand McNally road map of the American West. In the same manner as both Black Belt Eagle Scout albums, Fruit Bats, & Caroline Rose from last year, it wasn’t until a highway drive that I truly fell in love with Pony. It was a brilliant November sunset & still warm, but windy & changing, and we knew we had to hustle to beat the snow back to Denver. Highway 159 from the Southern Colorado border through Costilla County, on the way towards Fort Garland & then Walsenburg. Purple & Orange out the window to my left, Winter on it’s way. Peck’s songs sang with a heartache... a loss. a rhinestone loneliness that country finds a way to revel in. When “Kansas (Remembers Me Now)” statics out like a long lost FM radio. When “Hope to Die” fake ends at 3:30 and instead key change pivots like a washed-up Broadway starlet, shooting her shot on a dusty jukebox. When “Nothing Fades Like the Light” draws its last, peaceful breath, closing Pony like the last light of that November sunset. Thanks Orville, this one’s a classic.

“Fell in love with a rider / Dirt king, black crown / Six months on a knucklehead hog / I like him best when he's not around / He gets me high, oh, big sky... Fell in love with a boxer / Stayed awake all year / Heartbreak is a warm sensation / When the only feeling that you know is fear / I don't know why, oh, big sky...”

RAPSODY / Eve

Rapsody’s third album Eve is a masterclass on rap music, and the Snow Hill, North Carolina rapper sounds relaxed & loose, while still staying focused & on topic with an album that reads as, as Rapsody herself puts it “a love letter to all black women including myself.” She is at the top of her game right now, and these songs cement Rapsody as one of the premier rappers in an exciting field of rap talent both young & old.

Each track on the album is dedicated to one of Rapsody’s personal heroes, and I am going to focus these words & my research for Eve (besides listening to it nonstop, which I’m currently doing now!) on those black women. Track one is for Nina Simone (”without Nina there’s no Lauryn Hill, & without Lauryn Hill there’s no Rapsody.”) and features critically important verses about black heritage & culture over Nina’s terrifying & sobering classic “Strange Fruit.” Rapsody is recognizing her legacy and the importance of heritage, but she is clearly claiming her spot in that bloodline. “Cleo” preaches standing up for yourself over a Phil Collins sample (between Cleo & Lucy Dacus, “In the Air Tonight” is getting some serious love this year!) and is named after Queen Latifah’s character in the 1996 movie “Set it Off.” From there Rapsody recognizes artists (Aaliyah), philanthropists (Oprah & Michelle Obama), actresses (Whoopi), athletes (Serena Williams & Ibtihaj Muhammed), writers (Maya Angelou & Reyna Biddy), models (Iman & Tyra Banks), and historical figures & activists (Hatshepsut, Myrlie Evers-Williams, Sojourner Truth, & Afeni Shakur). Bottom line, ALL of these women are essential google material (you’re reading this on your phone or laptop, google and give yourself a five minute refresher if there’s anyone you don’t already know!) While you’re at it, google the lyrics for Eve (and Jamila Woods’ equally incredible, equally name dropping LEGACY! LEGACY!) and listen along. This is an important time capsule document for Rapsody and it’s just a damn good rap album.

“I am Nina & Roberta, the one you love but ain't heard of / Got my middle finger up like Pac after attempted murder / Failed to kill me, it's still me, woke up singing Shirley Murdock / As we lay these edges down, brown women, we so perfect...”

SABA LOU / Novum Ovum

When I listen to Saba Lou’s intoxicating sophomore album Novum Ovum, I am transported to somewhere magical & different. Maybe older, maybe out of place & time. Everything about Novum feels… classic. From the dusty, record-store-bin-find look of the out of focus cover photo, to the laidback natural way Saba Lou seems to dance along on top of a rollicking house band lifted from the 70’s. There are elements of surf rock, shoegaze, late night soul, and classic rock & roll on Ovum, but it is all driven by the singular writing & vocals of Saba Lou. In the liner notes of the record, a note can be found, claiming that this album is meant to be from the future. 2286 to be exact! Is a concept album?! Is it actually from the future & delivered to us by a time traveling band of Germans?!! Does it have songs about Star Trek??!! Maybe, mayyyybeee... & YES!

Yet to turn 20 (!), Saba Lou is a German born singer songwriter who has been making & releasing music since she was literally six years old! Novum Ovum is Latin for “the new egg” and features a hot four piece full band, and wonderfully fleshed out songs that bounce and swing with palpable energy. The lyrics span an awesomely wide spectrum from endometriosis pain (the title track obv) to a Star Trek mindmeld tune sung from the perspective of Gracie the pregnant whale (closer “Humpback in Time”)!! All in all, Saba Lou is an absolutely electric songwriter and her youthfulness & fervor are contagious. It’s the reason I love making this list every year, and what makes discovering new music so exciting. Can’t wait for the next one!

“A brick wall around your placenta / Cut them all off from her mother blood / The hounds call for appassionata / A phoenetic paste for the fetal bud...”

SHARON VAN ETTEN / Remind Me Tomorrow

Over the last few years I started the practice of making a draft favorite albums list in January and adding albums throughout the year, as I fall in love with them. This way I don’t forget the ones I loved in January & February, the ones that got me through the backend of the Winter. I’m able to track my year in music as it develops, a sort of captain’s log. A living, personal journal using music to mark time & space as I sprint my way through another increasingly faster, increasingly chaotic year. Sometimes, scrolling through the list acts as a comfort. “That album only came out this year?! OK, this year isn’t moving too fast, that feels like forevvverrrr ago!” Sometimes it helps to show me how much I’ve grown, how much an album has meant, or has helped with my mental & emotional growth. This year, the very first album I added to that list, the very first album that I fell hard & holy hell in love with... was Sharon Van Etten’s Remind Me Tomorrow.

A blast of energy. A weird synthy, pulsing red & blue darkness. Simultaneously club-y & indie rock vibey. Van Etten’s fifth album is supposedly written from a place of contentment. A marriage, a child, a life & happiness discovered. Less desperation, more introspection. I hear in her voice & words, how taking care of yourself, how striving to be your best self, can bring out the most powerful, most emotional art. She also isn’t afraid to let her voice go and I think her vocal performances are what truly take Tomorrow to another level. “Memorial Day” rides a haunting vocal loop & tumbles in nearly wordless, glimmering vowels, all ethereal magnificence. The chorus of the brooding “Jupiter 4″ spirals upwards & then rollercoasters, a late night drunken banger. But at the heart of Remind Me Tomorrow sits one of my songs of the year, one of my songs of the decade, “Seventeen.” I had heard it first live, way back in October 2018 in the rain in the mountains at Red Rocks. I got tipsy & wrote about it the day it came out, January 8, 2019, after a long, cold stretch working the night shift. This album & especially this song will stay with me for a long time. Sharon has taught me to keep working on myself. To look back in fondness. To think about how, with hard work, how much joy & peace & comfort await in my coming years. But she also taught me to lean into emotions. To embrace the ache of memories and the bittersweetness of growing up. Thanks for making this album Sharon.

“Downtown hotspot, halfway up the street / I used to be free, I used to be 17 / Follow my shadow around your corner / I used to be 17, now you're just like me / Down beneath the ashes & stone / Sure of what I've lived and have known / I see you so uncomfortably alone / I wish I could show you how much you've grown...”

TIM BAKER / Forever Overhead

I have a special feeling tied to the collection of intimate, swirling songs Tim Baker released this year from Canada. Forever Overhead carries a certain small town holiness, recognizable to those who grew up in small towns , but specific to his own personal, north-north-eastern-eastern “small” town, St Johns, in Newfoundland & Labrador, Canada. Growing up on the farthest coast of the Atlantic on the tippy, tippy point of Canada (seriously google it!), Baker fronted emo band Hey Rosetta! for four albums until striking out this Spring on his own with Arts & Crafts Records. There is a very Springsteen-esque bent to the way he writes about growing up somewhere (as someone) small & wanting to be somewhere very big and exciting. He captures the bittersweetness of growing up so perfectly. From the teenage romantic feelings in swaying opener “Dance” & the rousing “Mirrors,” to the friends & bars & singing found in the melancholic “Spirit” and the absolute hit “All Hands.” The latter is the core of the album, a bright, rhythmic guitar number that builds & swells with voices & instrumentation to a few huge, singalong choruses. A real song of the year contender. Baker isn’t afraid to let the songs go on journeys on Forever Overhead and they rarely finish where they begin. Horns & handclaps burst in at points, celebratory & fearless. The sexual tension of “Strange River” is lightened with a false start and a “sorry. In ‘D’” followed by a belly laugh, before restarting. The light & dark are present throughout Overhead and listening to these songs remind me of growing up. I feel like I’m being given a secret glance into Baker’s youth and the parts that mirror mine make me want to lift my voice in unison with those that understand. Sometimes small collections of well written & well played songs can do that, and to me... it’s sacred. Hopefully I get a chance to visit St Johns someday, and if I do, these songs will be playing as my soundtrack.

“A boy in bed, all the windows wide / You can hear the hot rods running from the light / From the light, into the dark / That's all I wanted in my cousin's car / To listen to the wind & to the lead guitars / & feel the reckless running of your heart / Now is that gone or does that all remain? / Can I go back and have it all again? / Well now I know it, where I'm going / I'm going back behind the river / I'm going back behind the rain / Cuz no matter where you're heading / You end up where you’ve been...”

YOLA / Walk Through Fire

It’s clear from the first minute & 30 seconds of Yola’s debut full-length Walk Through Fire, that this album is destined to be an all-time classic. She comes in slow & wistful with “wish I knew what you were wishing for...” over a soft wash of cymbals and mournful country-soul guitar. Then one minute in, her voice swells to gigantic proportions, seeming to lift the song right off the page, carried into another stratosphere, timeless & magnetic. That “Faraway Look” in your eyes.

From there, Yola (36 year old Yolanda Quartey from Bristol, England) takes her commanding voice through bluesy, fiddle-led country (”It Ain’t Easier” & the title track), and laid back soul (”Shady Grove” & “Deep Blue Dream”). Personal fav “Ride Out In The Country” became a backroads, summer anthem for me this year on multiple trips through Southern & Western Colorado. Through it all, her voice booms, whispers, & rocks gently, propelling the songs forward with warmth & light. Her lyrics are full of both dreamy memories & work-a-day stories about the challenges of life. It was fun this year to have different friends & family members get into Yola at different times, getting texts like “have you heard of YOLA??!!” Sharing songs, & collections of songs (like the ones on Walk Through Fire) is what makes making this list every year so fun, and I’m always excited to see what new, life-long favorites I will discover. See you in a couple months at the Bluebird Theater on Colfax here in Denver Yola!! Can’t wait!

“A little shady grove / A memory long ago / A tale too old to know the ending / I gave it all away / It takes my breath away...”

#yola #tim baker #Sharon Van Etten #saba lou #Rapsody #orville peck #lizzo #lady lamb #kiltro #kara jackson #june jones #hiss golden messenger #fruit bats #earthgang #bon iver #black belt eagle scout #big thief #better oblivion community center #justin peter kinkel-schuster

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angel-of-studying-blog · 6 years ago

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My Study Habits; awareness of what works for me and what doesn’t.

I need to be at a desk. If I’m on the bed or couch it’s like my brain refuses to do work.

I need to have water at my side while I’m doing homework or studying. I eat when I’m stressed, procrastinating, or bored, and drinking water instead is a good way to keep that bad habit at bay.

Rewriting notes doesn’t actually help me that much.

Reading the assigned readings is so so so important for me. I need to remember that I don’t actually have to read in depth and analyze, but that sometimes simply skimming will do the trick. Skipping readings screws me over though.

Notes are good most of the time. But don’t write down stuff I don’t need. They don’t need to look pretty.

In fact, trying to make my notes pretty detracts from my mental energy reserve and makes me not want to do the things I actually need to do. Plus it puts this pressure on me like from that point on, I HAVE to have pretty notes. Like who cares if they’re pretty.

To-do lists are everything. I need them to function.

Routines are important. When I abandon them, my life spirals out of control for like a whole week and makes me behind on a bunch of stuff.

I need to clean out my backpack and folders more often. It gets heavy and hurts my back, which is bad since I already have back problems.

Don’t depend on that extra 30 minutes I have every morning to get stuff done. My friends usually distract me, so just get it done on time.

Paying attention is class is the thing that helps me most. I also need to participate, because that is almost a sure way to do well in the class.

Writing down questions I have, like in math, is a Good Thing. A really Good Thing.

I’m not a physical Planner person. Like, writing stuff down everything on paper doesn’t work for me because I can’t just change it easily like I can on Google Keep.

Don’t try to be Aesthetic. It’s draining and pointless.

Don’t force myself to maintain a blog or whatever because feeling obligated to do unnecessary things stresses me out.

Flash cards are actually really useful for me. Huh.

My schedule is pretty full on Mondays and Wednesdays. That’s why I should get started on my homework pretty soon after I get home, if not immediately.

Planning out the things I’m going to do the night before with a quick list really helps keep me on track.

I need to take advantage of all my free periods. Instead of talking to my friends, I should just shove my earbuds in and keep my mouth shut and focus on my work.

For two years, I had myself convinced I didn’t need much sleep to function. I was so wrong. Sleep makes all the difference. Not getting enough sleep for one night can screw up my entire week as I try to ply catch-up, so I need to start thinking ahead. I need to teach myself that sleep is the biggest priority. It lets me focus in school, absorb knowledge, as remember it better. Plus it keeps me out of awkward situations since I don’t have control over myself when I’m tired. And it makes me look and feel better. Just remember that feeling of exhaustion and almost dozing off during an important lesson.

Deadlines are what motivate me.

Study groups aren’t very effective for me, especially in math. I need time to sit down and think about stuff at my own pace, I don’t like being rushed and being distracted by chaos and people talking.

BUT they can be effective IF I take the lead and do the actual teaching. I can’t listen to other people, especially peers, review stuff. I need to be the one explaining, but that requires knowing the knowledge before hand. So basically, I should only count on study groups for review. I’ve found the groups effective for history. Sometimes biology (again, know the material). Math not really, but maybe if I was sure about the material.

Writing things down helps me. Sometimes I just need to sit down and visualize my ideas and put it down on paper so I can see it physically.

Maybe I should try mindmaps ^

Maybe I should also give Cornell-style notes a shot. I’ve only done outline-style so far.

Do assignments in pencil. I get sloppy and careless for some reason when I use pen and I’m dissatisfied with how it looks.

All the stuff in my backpack has to be organized in a specific way, that way my stuff stays intact and I have peace of mind. Same with the stuff in my pencil pouch.

I love sticky notes.

Coffee is a good last resort, but try not to get addicted to it or depend on it. Sleep is better anyway.

I need breakfast or else my stomach will hurt and I’ll be distracted.

Drinking water in the morning helps me stay focused and keeps headaches away.

Speaking of headaches, I tend to get them often, especially when I have less than six hours of sleep (GET SLEEP) and when I’m dehydrated. Keep Advil on hand.

I need to sit in the front. I hate the back. The middle is okay...but the front is the best. Okay, maybe second row.

If I get sleep, I focus better in school and do better on homework and tests. If I do that, I know what I’m doing. If I know what I’m going, people notice and praise me. I look smart. I LIVE for that. When I get that feedback, I do get motivated. When I’m motivated I sleep better. It’s a whole cycle and SLEEP is what makes it all happen.

Deleting all my social media apps is how I keep myself from procrastinating, and I don’t even like social media so it’s easy for me.

My main distractors are YouTube and Webtoon. I need to do something about that.

I’m more of a reward than punishment person.

If I’m currently watching a show I love, I tend to let it take over my life and then I don’t do my homework and I get behind. BUT I also can and do use shows and movies to either reward myself or look forward to as a break. What I do with 20 minutes episodes is I try to get 2 or 3 things done. With longer episodes, I bunch together more assignments on my to-do list. With movies, I try to get everything done and then I watch them.

My dog distracts me. I spontaneously cuddle with him, telling myself I’ll only play with him for 5 minutes, but then it’s 15 or 20 minutes later and I’m only then finishing up. I should practice self-control.

I can only work upstairs at the kitchen table when my whole family isn’t home. When they are, I can’t focus, so I should work downstairs instead. I get distracted downstairs too, but I’m working on it. That chair really hurts my back though. I should get a new one.

Putting a blanket around my shoulders puts me to sleep. Don’t do it while working.

Sometimes I don’t want to do work so my brain pretends to be tired and I tell myself I’ll only nap for 15/20 minutes but it always ends up being like way over an hour. Just push through it or make coffee instead.

I get sloppy and lazy in my PJs, so over the weekends I should change into something once I wake up so I don’t waste my weekend and I actually get things done.

I should try to get stuff done on Fridays mostly and some on Saturday, because when I leave everything for Sunday, I rush and do a poor job.

Making a physical schedule for my classes helps me.

Sometimes I don’t want to do homework if I can’t listen to music while I do it. Like with watching assigned videos, or reading textbooks. But I need to get over it and somehow get it through my head that I’m making it worse than it is.

On days I don’t feel motivated, I should make some sort of reward. Whether it’s taking a walk with my friend, watching something, reading something, eating something, sleeping, relaxing, etc.

Maybe I should schedule some crying-time for myself. Just to relieve stress and anxiety.

Under-wire bras are uncomfortable and distract me in class.

The main ways I learn: paying full attention

How I should study for math (after learning the hard way): practicing the problems by doing them is more important than looking over all the notes. Do the practice packets and focus on the problems she says to focus on. BUT Indo still need to look at the notes beforehand, or else I’ll act crazy and feel like I’m not doing it right and start going insane. So I need to really have some self control for about a week before finals and split up the notes I need to review. Because looking over the notes let’s me see everything we learned and reminds me about stuff I forgot.

I’m a visual learner. Then a kinesthegic learner. I’m definitely not an aural learner, but I can maybe work on that?

The main ways I learn: paying full attention in class, participating, doing the homework, asking questions. A bit of studying for tests included.

I have to actively pay attention and really try to absorb stuff and process it at the same time as I’m paying attention. Especially for math and the sciences. Not really for history, and definitely not for English.

When I get home, reviewing my math notes from that day’s lesson just really quickly before I do the assignment helps me learn it and understand it and remember it.

I once tried to briefly review a week’s math notes every day before doing an assignment in order to do better on the math test and I think I did better.

Listening to music while I do math doesn’t distract me 99.9999% of the time.

But it does with reading things like textbooks.

Listening to music while reading textbooks because I don’t want to stop listening to music is way less effective than hardcore skimming through a textbook without music because I wanna get back to music. When I listen to music while reading, I take nothing in, it drags out longer, and I get distracted. When I don’t listen to music, sure I’m bored a bit, but I take everything in, I don’t get nearly as distracted, and I finish quicker. I should try to not just skim though (but if I can’t help it, then yeah, even just skimming is better).

Highlighting doesn’t always help me. In fact, it rarely does since I only use it for the aesthetic. I should try utilizing it better.

I’m good at English and can write essays easily, so that’s let me get lazy and not look to improve my writing. I feel like because of this, it’s been stagnant. I should challenge myself.

When I have had teachers, I should try to not use that as an excuse to do poorly and instead put more effort in.

Talking during class is disrespectful and doesn’t help me. I don’t usually do it, but I do when I’m tired or in a class I don’t like.

Audionyms are so useful to me, but ONLY when they have the accompanying images.

Do the damn extra credit, dumbass.

Don’t waste my free periods.

If I know I have a lot of homework, but I have plans, I should do some homework beforehand.

I didn’t realize how valuable and useful practice tests and questions are, but they really are and I should start taking advantage of them when I have them.

Don’t waste time making quizlets if you can find ones that already exist.

Physical flash cards are more effective for me. They require me to go through them less than digital ones. I’ve proved this to myself. But if I want some quick review I can use quizlet.

Study guides are great.

Getting homework done in classes like English is great because then I don’t have to worry about those stupid little assignments and can focus on more important things.

I don’t really like doing my math homework around other people because I like silence and peace so I can really focus on it and take my time with it.

Sometimes I use that ^ as an excuse to not do anything, when really I should just do different homework.

I have all these little processes and routines that I find therapeutic and a good way to get myself in the zone for homework: setting up the lines on my graph paper for my math homework, cutting my flash cards, making a to do list, getting all my stuff out in a particular order and the same with putting it away.

I also use a lot of alarms.

Taking notes during classes like math and science saves my life.

Drawing stuff for math and science in my notes helps.

Don’t waste time rewriting nooootes.

Notes for History are useful, but not always necessary. Math notes are unquestionably necessary, same for the sciences (like Biology). English notes are whatever, and I only write them because they’re required.

I memorize physical notes easier, but if a teacher talks fast, computers might be more useful. Maybe I can rewrite it physically at home. That would probably be the only time that rewriting notes is good for me. And I can do stuff like drawing diagrams on the side if I do computer notes and then combine the two.

Usually I don’t like checking my answers on tests because I’ll change it and get it wrong when I could have gotten it right, but math is the exception.

Most days I have a few hours at home before my sister gets home, and that’s the best time to get homework done because it’s quieter.

Before high school, I didn’t have to study. It was a rough transition, and it took me two entire years to realize that I had to get off my ass and actually put effort into school. This semester I figured out a lot of things about how my brain works, how I learn, what I need, and how to utilize all of these things. I put in a lot of effort, and looking back, I think I mostly did my best. I feel satisfied with it.

I do better when I have a lot on my plate because I know I can’t mess around, whereas I get lazy and form very destructive habits when I only have a few things to do. I need multiple hard classes at a time instead of just one. I need at least two that require a lot of effort/time or are difficult, at least one fun or easy class, and about two classes that are somewhere in the middle.

I’m an extremely competitive person. This is also what motivates me.

Surrounding myself with smart and hardworking friends pushes me to be the same (but also to be smarter and harder working than them, shhh)

I’m a natural leader, so when I’m in group projects I always end up being the one taking charge and delegating tasks/reminding people.

Also I’m not a fan of group projects if I can’t choose who I work with.

I like making some sort of visual for upcoming events because it makes me less stressed to know exactly when an event is coming up and how it’s oriented around other events.

I’m really good at memorizing things, but usually for short-term things. That’s useful for unit/module tests, but not for things like finals. Luckily, I don’t have to relearn the material, I just have to review it. Maybe to prevent having to cram, I should do more frequent reviews in shorter bursts over the semester.

I need to fully understand things like math and science to feel comfortable. I can kind of shrug off history and English if I’m not solid on a topic.

I developed a growth mindset at the beginning of this year because I was sick of my old school habits.

I’m an optimist/realist.

I’m not superstitious buuuuut, if I get cocky about a test, I usually end up disappointing myself. It’s best to just go in neutral because that way I’m not stressed or anxious or excited, I’m just sitting down and my brain is functioning normally at the best of its ability.

I’ve come to learn that time speeds up the month of finals week.

I find it really useful when a teacher demonstrates the lesson or does the problems with us.

#my post #studyblr

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braindamageforbeginners · 7 years ago

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A New Doctor

Cycle 9, Day 10

So, I now have at least a half-dozen physicians on my case. If you believe the BMJ stat that “medical misadvenure” (which is a broad category that includes, but is not limited to, doctor error, nursing error, pharmacy screw-ups, misdiagnosis, accidental overdose/drug interactions, opportunistic infections - the list goes on) is the third-leading cause of death in America (according to the same study, heart disease is #1 and cancer is #2). So, for those for those of you setting odds on my life expectancy (and, frankly, I’d be disappointed if you didn’t), it’s been an odd, extended game of “Clue,” except I’m Mr. Body, to see if disease, side-effects, or my possibly-insane physicians will get to me first. I hate to say it, but I think I’ve finally figured the odds-on favorite in this one: my GP.

This isn’t a plea for help, or even a serious medical development on my part, it’s a warning for you, the readership, as insurance enrollment comes around. First of all, if you can’t pay, hospitals or physicians can throw you out on the street (this is something able-bodied people are so disbelieving of that took a poor black woman freezing to death on-camera in Baltimore). They are only required to treat you if you in an emergency situation, thanks to some federal laws called “EMTALA.”If you have a disease that drives you to the emergency room, the prognosis gets worse. People tend believe that just because it’s the healthcare industry, the health insurance industry isn’t a corrosive force that has a vested interest in denying care and killing you. Which is odd to me; you don’t get this anywhere else (or I haven’t experienced this sort of self-delusional attitude); you don’t see people defending McDonald’s or Nabisco or RJ Reynolds or Exxon as having their best interests at heart (and, to my friends who think they’re bullet-proof because of their health insurance, read the fine print, very, very carefully; you don’t want to get a nasty shock as you’re being rolled into the OR). So, thanks to my parent’s generosity/desire not to see me die, I rolled in last year with a very expensive PPO (there are a lot of acronyms to keep track of, but PPOs allow the patient to see anyone in a preferred provider network, which tend to be large and give the patient lots of choices, so you can directly get a referral to a neurologist if you hit your head). Unfortunately, because I have pre-existing conditions (and to my bullet-proof friends, read through the list of pre-existing conditions that’ll disqualify you, your jaw will drop)(also, it’s telling that Congressmen and Senators have the option to buy into a separate, federal employee health insurance option that’s not available to us serfs)(it’s also telling that the ACA required Congresscritters, for the first time ever, to tough it out and find health insurance like their constituents)(which is why I assume all the GOP higher-ups had melt-downs over the ACA - a slight removal of privilege to help sick constituents isn’t a part of Congressional ethos, let alone job description), my premiums went from “expensive” to “leasing a sports car” within a few months. I’m extraordinarily grateful to them for providing that financial backing, because it allowed me to continue getting treatment during the crucial 6-10 week GBM post-diagnosis period that might turn this from “Guaranteed doom” to “far too close for comfort.” So, this did give me some time to do my homework (in writing about this, I’m realizing I really should consider applying to law school, because I’ll know more about medical and insurance law and ethics than some lawyers before this is up)(Hell, I probably know more than some of them right now). Anyway, I found that all the specialists I see for cancer, do take medicaid (even the specialized pharmacy I use at the cancer center). Which is good for me, especially since being on disability in California is an automatic qualification for Medicaid. Now for the bad news; although all the specialists there take medicaid, the GPs don’t. AND the specialists only take medicaid if it’s done through an HMO carrier that the state sub-contracts with.

Great Kraken’s Balls.

There are a number of documentaries and documents (including an “Adam Ruins Everything” segment) on why HMO’s are unnecessary and lethally incompetent (like many other aspects of a for-profit medical system), but here’s the most basic deal: They act as a gate-keeper for the entire medical-industrial system. You can get your care at any of a dozen pre-approved hospitals, and nowhere else. Now, if an HMO or their doctors can’t treat you (or refuse to treat you - which is still the case for a lot of GBM patients), they are required to send you to a specialist who can. The economic incentive is to give less care, and keep all the patients in the system for as long as possible.

I suspect that delaying tactic is why heart disease and cancer are considered so deadly - you can’t sit long on either of those.

So, based on the financial folks at the cancer center, I picked one, and promptly forgot about it; because I’m already in the system there (the receptionists and pharmacy staff recognize me on sight)(which is comforting, until you realize it’s a cancer center, and then the panic briefly cuts in until you remember you’ve gone eight months without regowth or metastastis). I only remembered it when I got a call from the medicaid HMO telling me I should schedule an appointment with one of their physicians. This isn’t a big deal, I just need them to sign-off on any further black magic-based treatments with the Warlocks or Radiation Oncologist.

Now, before I go further, let’s talk about the people who go into medicine. Like anything in healthcare, we tend to give assume that an entire industry is moral, and just; when people go in for a variety reasons (as recently as 20 years ago, the vast majority of medical students said it was for money), and it’s worth noting that cuts across a vast majority of demographics and motives. And, for better or worse, that cuts across vast swathes of competence - for far too many folks, it’s a job - a rewarding job, but just a job. My father recently inquired about board exams and recertification as a way of guaranteeing some basic level of competence from everyone. He’s right, but the key word there is “basic.” Again, “basic” is fine for first aid and most major medical issues; it’s unacceptable if you have a disease with a 90% fiver-year mortality rate.

I bring this up because I think I chronicled my first appointment with my insurance-appointed GP five or six weeks ago and seemed perfectly satisfactory to my ongoing addiction to experimental chemotherapy. I’m certain it was within that time frame, because I had schedule a six-week follow-up. Which, sadly lands on my “week off” chemo. So, yesterday, after infusion #2 for this cycle (for those of you wondering what I’m doing to stay busy during infusions these days, well, rewriting Christmas carols for cancer patients)(”On the first day of chemo, the nurses gave to me, zofran in an IV”). I also convinced dear old Dad to take me out to lunch, because, again, when the Marizomib side effects hit, you do not fee like eating. This was in the neighborhood of the latest addition to my collection of medical people, so I thought I’d reschedule then. And was told by the receptionist to wait for everyone behind me to check in lest they be late for appointments. That would be fine, but it seems a fundamental misunderstanding of how queus work. And, any time post five-ish hours on infusion day, even though zofran might keep me from puking, it does give me an odd, oily, queasy sensation. I think I deserve some sort of gold star for not puking on this woman right away (again, if you have unconventional problems, feel free to start with an unconventional approach)(my next writing project will be titled, “Life Lessons from Necromancers”). I eventually - using the traditional method of looking down the reception counter, noticed someone not otherwise occupied, and manage to get an appointment more amenable to my schedule. For a physical.

Again, I’d love to use some four-letter words here, but even Finnish fails to meet the requirement. Now, it should be noted that, even though I’m well-aware that I’m physically Adonis-like; I am in chemo and recovering from radiation treatment, Radiation Oncologist implied a few months ago that, even though my scan was clean and looked good for someone with brain cancer, anyone unfamiliar with my case would probably freak out about them. Same thing with my abnormal, uh, “lab sample” I wrote about recently - the nurses agreed, a single abnormal test is hardly unexpected toward the end of chemo, especially since I’m now on a diet consisting mostly of protein, fiber, cafeine, and dangerous, experimental substances. However, I’d prefer not to have to point all that out to a new medical person who has the power to yank the plug on me (sadly, my original GP will be on vacation that week. (I’ll also be on Temodar, so there’s a solid chance my brains will be thoroughly scrambled and incapable of comprehension).

ANYWAY… WEIGHT: 198 lb CONCENTRATION: Pretty good, APPETITE: Normal (but this is 24 hours post-infusion. ACTIVITY LEVEL: Not great; the fatigue side effect definitely caught up with me and chewed me up last night. SLEEP QUALITY: Okay. although I’ve noticed that I definitely thrash around on chemo days. COORDINATION/DEXTERITY: Lousy. Thank Gods I don’t need the walker, and I don’t even think I need my magic ankle support, but my left leg is definitely unreliable today. MEMORY: Not bad, although I did forget my sheets were in the wash earlier today (although I recall stripping the bed and tossing them into the washer). PHYSICAL: Tired and kind of wobbly, but still a lot better than this time a year ago.. EMOTIONAL: Okay. It might just be that I spent yesterday next to my zofran-and-CDB salt-lick, but I’m starting to think I might make it through all this somewhat intact. Hang on. Am I really starting to believe my own bullshit? SIDE EFFECTS: Tired, somewhat sore (either chemo or increasing the difficulty of that stupid elliptical), and in the wrong time-zone, but, other than that, not much. CURRENTLY READING (For Donna): Gonzo Girl, and The Explorer’s Guild (A Passage to Tshamballah)

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rhenal · 7 years ago

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Hello again

Wow, it’s been a year now since i last posted anything here. I’m still alive, if anyone is still here at all to care. Um. Last post I did was about the status of my mental health, so I guess a follow-up would be prudent, no?

So now it’s official. I have both Aspergers and ADHD. I thought it was just ADD, but no. The hyperactivity aspect is something I very much have. It’s just that it doesn’t manifest physically - it simply manifests mentally in that my mind is always everywhere at once - that my train of thought manifests more like a puppy on its first snow day than like an actual train.

I’ve been on antidepressants for 13 months now, but I’ve only really felt any real effect from them for the last month and a half as I finally got to change med type. The first type barely helped and gave me nightmares two nights out of three, but those things were small and irrelevant enough for me to it really bring it up until now. Because for all that time, I have been searching for and adjusting to ADHD meds as well, and you only want to sort through one set of side-effects at a time. Turns out I’m really sensitive to side effects, so finding the right type and dosage took a long time, and I’m not certain that the one I’m on now is the best choice still.

I’m still on full-time sick leave for burnout, since February 14th last year. Currently it will last until the end of August, then we’ll reevaluate from there. Hopefully I can start studying again by that point, if only at 50%.

Turns out, it takes a really long time to recover from a bout of burnout that has had five entire years of buildup.

So what am I doing now? Mostly just being useless. Restless but without the energy to do anything about it. I barely eat these days, and my sleep cycle is just completely nonexistent. See, in large part due to aforementioned double-whammy of Aspergers and ADHD, my capacity for self discipline is basically nil. With me being on sick leave, I have nothing that forces me to get up and do stuff. There is no reason other than my own health to get up in the morning.

Add to that the fact that both my current antidepressants and my ADHD meds lower my appetite. I do not get hungry anymore. I just get tremors in the late afternoon when I’ve forgotten to eat all day. I can go entire days where I am never ever hungry, and when I finally manage to make something to eat and force myself to just eat it dammit, I can barely get half the meal down.

My doctor has actually advised me to eat small snacks through the entire day to make up for it. You know, the thing that you’re usually heavily discouraged from doing? :’)

In conclusion, my daily life is kinda shit. I’m doing what I can to get better at it all, even going to group therapy every week, but it feels like a Sisyphean effort.

I’m too burnt out to study or work, but without study or work, I can’t really recover properly. It’s one real bastard of a catch 22.

I’d move back home, but that’s not really an option. Not now that the family’s got a much smaller apartment. I’d have to live on the couch, in a living room with no possible way of real privacy. And I’m an introvert. I am really fortunate to have a family as loving and supportive as I do, and I love them dearly - but I NEED my space. When I went there over the winter holidays, just those two and a half weeks I was there was enough to suck me completely dry of energy.

If anyone has any advice, I’d love to hear them. Because I need them desperately.

So well. That’s where I am now.

[garbling thought-vomit about social issues and the failings of tumblr as a community below. Probably best ignored.]

So, why’d I disappear from Tumblr? Should be obvious. The state of my mental health is bad enough without having to deal with the constant anxiety of dealing with this social network. The nonexistence of nuance and the total intolerance of anything even remotely problematic. And the idea that if you like anything that has any problematic aspects in it at all, that means YOU are problematic and are to be ashamed.

It’s actually a really hostile environment for creatives.

The pressure to be perfect and totally 100% inclusive at all times with not a nanometer’s space for human error or honest mistakes, the attitude that ‘if you’re not perfect 100% of the time always you are EVIL AND BAD AND SHALL BE SHUNNED FOREVERMORE’.

The attitude a lot of Tumblr seem to have that the only things you are ever allowed to write or otherwise portray are essentially self-portraits because if you haven’t personally experienced it you should never ever write it ever. Kinda makes it impossible to even try to do properly inclusive work for fear of getting even a single minute detail wrong. It’s actually really really fucking hostile and I hate hate hate it. Like, I keep seeing creators of all kinds - writers, artists, cartoonists, animators and game devs alike try their very hardest to make something as inclusive and culturally diverse as they can, only to be rewarded with heaps upon heaps of abuse from Tumblr users just because they weren’t 100% perfect in every single aspect, or that their efforts were seen as ‘virtue signaling’ and are only doing it to make themselves look good and that is false and sin and to be PUNISHED.

It’s like the reward for trying your best to make something that everyone can enjoy without feeling left out is only hate and vitriol.

(All the while creators who do not care about inclusivity at all get perhaps but a mere fraction of this abuse, I might add. It’s pretty fucking insane when you think about it.)

It’s suffocating.

And it’s total fucking bullshit.

People make mistakes.

People change.

And people can absolutely grow from those mistakes and be better.

But Tumblr as a community keeps fostering this attitude that if you have ever said or done anything even remotely wrong on any level, regardless of the context or how long ago it was or how much better you have grown to be since then, once an uninformed or unthinking statement - accidental or not - always a racist. Or homophobe. Or transphobe. Or ableist. Or any kind of -ist or -phobe imaginable.

I’ve been very fortunate to not really have had to endure any witch-hunt personally, but I saw them happen all the time. And it just. Well. I got really fucking tired of it, and it further worsened my mental health by quite a lot. I just cared too much that I couldn’t stop ranting about it in my head. Sometimes for days.

So I left.

Why am I back? Honestly, I have no idea. I guess I still have a lot of thoughts about things and I’ve been really isolated this last year, so I just need a place where I can put them.

I intend to go on a bit of a purge of the blogs I follow and start with a zero-tolerance policy for witch-hunting bullcrap and other drama.

See, I have a pretty simple, straightforward moral code. It’s often difficult to follow, due to the human brain working as it does with it’s shitty, garbage, garbage ‘us vs them’ mentality, but it is something I intend do always strive for.

No one should ever be judged for that which they can not control

Ever. That includes the entire spectrum of skintones, every single possible gender identity, sexuality, romantical affiliation, neuropsychiatric status - normal or otherwise, physical condition, place of birth, state of family or culture they grew up in. Or anything else I can think of.

No one picks the toolbox they’re born with. All that should ever matter to anyone is what they build with it.

Fuck jokes about skin colour - ANY skin colour - it’s tacky and only serves to further strengthen the idea that they somehow make people fundamentally different, and that idea can get set on fire and shot into the sea.

Yes, there are absolutely issues with the culture surrounding differences in levels of melatonin. White people like myself carry a lot of privilege in the west, and darker skinned people of all kinds absolutely do face a lot of unjust treatment in the world. No matter what country in the world you are in, that place’s “default” - how I detest that unfortunate consequence of the human brain functioning as it does - will always carry a strong privilege compared to those who do not fit that default. But it’s all cultural. There’s nothing inherent in looking any certain way that dictates a person’t being. It’s all the norms and values of the culture they were raised in - and cultures change. It’s slow. It’s difficult. But it is absolutely a worthwhile struggle, is it not?

And, maybe a reasonable path to changing a culture to be more inclusive is to maybe not constantly call attention to such differences? Because that only strengthens the idea that the trait pointed out is ‘other’ - not part of the ‘normal’.

And we want to widen the definition of normal to include all of us. Right? That’s pretty much this entire community’s mission statement, isn’t it?

I’m thinking that simply acting like a trait is normal, that it’s not something that’s even worth calling attention to, does a lot to normalise that trait. To help it be included within the definition of normal.

Maybe I’m wrong. But I don’t think I am.

And then there’s the whole thing with white guilt/cultural shame or pride or any somesuch. I have thoughts. Probably pretty controversial thoughts. So I’m preparing myself for pitchforks.

Feeling shame or guilt over whatever hand you drew in the grand lottery of genetical happenstance is just really fucking stupid. That much should be thoroughly established by now. But the thing is, so is feeling pride, for the same reason. You did fuck all to affect what you got. The deeds of your ancestors have nothing whatsoever to do with you.

You don’t get to choose your toolbox. You can only choose what to do with it.

It feels kind of weird to condemn cultural pride as a concept like this, but I do. I really honestly do. Because it’s dumb. Incredibly hard to drop, absolutely - most of us are fed with it since birth, after all - but it’s still dumb. I mean, what on earth did anyone do to earn the culture they grew up in? Nothing. Because it’s entirely out of your hands.

Treasure your culture, absolutely! Revel in it. Learn all you want and can and strive to carry it forth to the next generation, and to teach anyone who wishes to listen. Absolutely do! Take pride in your accomplishments. Take pride in what you do to carry your culture forth into the future. Take pride in what you help others accomplish. Take pride in what you do to raise public awareness of the reality of your culture. Or your sexuality. Or gender identity. Or any other aspect of your being that is being woefully misrepresented somewhere. But don’t take pride in simply being what you are.

Because that’s just part of the completely random toolbox you got at birth - a toolbox you could not have possibly chosen any part of.

Taking pride OR feeling shame over things that you had no hand in is something you have no right or reason to do.

Never judge anyone - not even yourself - by what they have. Judge only by what they DO with what they have.

These thoughts have all been spawned by my time on tumblr. It’s a community that wants to be progressive and inclusive, but is much too often anything but. It’s all complaining, all vitriol, all salt, all echo chambers fostering this kind of thinking. Very little, if any, actual attempts at working towards real improvement.

I remember seeing a comic that circulated some time ago. About equality vs equity. There were these three kids standing by a fence, trying to watch a game of some sport or another taking place at the other side. They were all different height.

In the equality picture, all three kids got a box to stand on, of equal size.

In the equity picture, they got a different amount of boxes, making it so all of them could see over the fence.

But there was a third picture. One rarely included.

This picture adressed the fence itself. It swapped the wooden fence to a wire fence. One that all three kinds could see the game through, without any need of boxes.

That’s the kind of world I’d much rather live in. One where the barrier itself is adressed. Where there is no need for boxes to stand on.

Yet all anyone can really, truly do, is do as Michael Jackson said, and start with the man in the mirror.

We can complain. We can decry. We can wallow. But it’s all for naught if we don’t then step up and act on it.

I'm sick and tired of the ceaseless complaining without action and the oppressive feeling of helplessness fostered here. I want to actually DO something to help the world be better. And if I’m not in a position where I can help personally, I can at least reach out to those in a position to do so.

This is why I donate to charity whenever I can afford it, despite my miniscule budget of a university student on sick leave with a lot of medical fees.

This is why I endeavor to always smile to strangers, be they the retail worker at the checkout, a simple passerby or the cold beggar on the street.

This is why I am always eager to share what I know with people who may need it, be it pointers about mental health or simply how to patch up a torn pair of pants.

All minuscule, inconsequential acts in the grand scheme of things. But it’s something. It’s my small straw, pulled to the anthill. Makes me feel just a little tiny bit less helpless about all the terrible things in the world.

Because even if it’s something small, it’s better than doing nothing. Far better than simply complaining and wallowing about a problem without ever following it up with action.

I don’t even know what I’m on about anymore. I should probably stop writing. Get something to eat. Go to sleep. Bye for now, then.

#status update #mental health stuff #really long rant #disjointed flow of thoughts garbled onto a page #had a lot of stuff to get off my chest I suppose #probably ignore this

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evolutionsvoid · 8 years ago

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Tales of carnivorous plants are one of the favorite staples used by adventurers and story tellers. When it comes to fictional stories or tall tales, one of the go-to's for making a strange place seem even more alien and dangerous is to toss in flesh-eating plants. If one were to believe every story they heard around the campfires and bar tables, then apparently 90% of our world is coated in bloodthirsty grass and meat-loving trees. Now I am not saying that such creatures do not exist. They totally do. I am just saying that their numbers and prevalence has been blown completely out of proportion. Yes, Ya'De'Vorrs are plant monsters that eat people, but they are very few and far between. Lost Souls do exist, but they are only found in certain, warped forests. Out in the jungles, there are several species of plants that feed upon blood and flesh, but they usually feed upon small primates and reptiles, rather than machete-wielding explorers. The tales of carnivorous plants are not things I am fed up with. I am not trying to tear them down or mock them. Instead, I am trying to point out how tame they are. Compared to the vicious ways of a Ya'De'Vorr, being digested by some plant isn't so bad. Dare you even compare it to a Giant Bloodsbane, and you would find being eaten to be a very pleasant way to go. At least that gives you the mercy of death... Giant Bloodsbane are just as rare in the wild as a Ya'De'Vorr. Their existence is scattered across the globe, their numbers few and far between. Even with such a low population, there are still too many Giant Bloodsbane alive today. They are an extremely cruel and deadly species, with their sheer existence causing unspeakable torture and pain. If I could pick one species to be wiped off this planet, the Giant Bloodsbane would be my first pick.

Giant Bloodsbane lives up to its name in every way. The "giant" part is easy to see, as these creatures can grow to heights of almost twenty feet. It may be hard to see them stand at their max size, as they often bend and squirm on their flexible stems, undulating like serpents. Their main stems can grow as thick as a human torso, and their tendrils match the thickness of an arm. Each is coated in sharp, stiff hairs, which irritate flesh upon contact. They have multiple appendage types, split between upper and lower limbs. The upper limbs come out from the body in fours, and the buds at the ends spit forth three tendrils. All three are coated in the pointy hairs, but only one ends in a sharp spine. The lower appendages only sprout two, which end in wide, leafy hands. Embedded in these hand-like leaves are its primary eyes, which possess the best vision and are used to observe its surroundings. Its other eyes can be found in its flowery top, spinning wildly in their blossoms. These eyes are very primitive, as they can only recognize light and dark. These are can act as an early warning system, detecting movement so that the true eyes can zero in on potential threats. With these primitive eyes covering its flower head, it is impossible to sneak up on a Bloodsbane without them noticing. This helps protect themselves from ambushes and attacks, but that is not its main purpose. The reason they have so many eyes, is so that they may detect any victim that comes within reach. Giant Bloodsbane lives up to the "blood" part, as it is their primary food source. They drain blood from victims through their sharp tipped tendrils, often wrapping them in a viney embrace so they cannot escape. The problem, though, is that they are rooted into the ground. Though they are quite flexible and can have an insane reach, they cannot pull themselves from the earth. This gives them a very limited hunting range, if they were to rely solely on themselves. This leads to the real problem, as the Bloodsbane chooses to "recruit" others to help solve this dilemma. Much like ivy and other oily plants, a Giant Bloodsbane is coated cap to root in a toxic oil. Every leaf and hair is dripping with it, allowing them to spread it with even the slightest touch. This oil has no effect on plant life. A dryad could swim in the stuff without the slightest issue. Beings of flesh, though, are a different story. Here is why they are called "Bloodsbane. Any beast or man of flesh and meat is highly vulnerable to these toxic oils. The slightest contact with it causes severe burns and blisters on the affected area. Itchiness and severe irritation is a constant, causing victims to scratch their own skin off in desperation. As an oil, this secretion is difficult to get rid of and can last on surfaces for days without deterioration. It can soak into clothes and cling onto any surface with ease. Touching anything that the Bloodsbane has coated will instantly cause these burns and pain. These injuries and torturous effects last for days, even weeks. Getting the oil in your eyes leads to instant blindness. That is not even mentioning its effects in the sun. When flesh that is touched by the oil is exposed to the sun, the pain becomes maddening. The blistering will become even worse, and your whole body will feel like its on fire. The mere touch of sunlight can send victims into spasms, and cause them to fear the day like a vampire. This is what happens when you just get a few drops on your body. Here is what happens when the Bloodsbane chooses to go further.... Hungry for blood and victims, the Bloodsbane will lash out at any who enter its range. Its long tendrils will seize prey and cover them in its oily embrace. These victims may be slightly drained for blood, but the Bloodsbane wishes to keep them alive. It will slather them head to toe in oil and keep them trapped in its vines. It will then simply wait for the transformation to take place. When a flesh-based creature is exposed to massive quantities of this oil, a horrible transformation occurs. Giant, fluid filled blisters will erupt from the skin, and burning pain will lance through every vein. The eyes will be blinded and swollen over, and the victim's tongue will grow to vile proportions. Their mind will remain intact, but they will be in constant agony. The oil now runs through their body, building up and festering within the gross boils. Their entire bodies will now react with the sun, causing excruciating pain when ever they are exposed to the light. At times, the transformation is so painful that it can kill victims outright. Those who survive, though, will now be forced to serve the Bloodsbane. This servitude is not done by mental domination or mind control. These victims serve the Bloodsbane in hopes of gaining the slightest bit of relief. When a victim is transformed, the Bloodsbane will use them as an enslaved servant. These poor souls are referred to as the "Scorched," as their bodies constantly feel as if they are burning within. When one becomes a Scorched, the voice of the Bloodsbane enters their mind. This voice will not seize control of their brain, but will simply tell the victim what the deal is. The Bloodsbane is hungry and the Scorched is in pain. Both of them can come up with a solution. If the Scorched can bring food to the Bloodsbane, than the master will give it relief from the constant agony. If the Scorched does not comply, than they simply get to exist in perpetual agony. At this point, the Scorched obviously agrees to work for the Bloodsbane, as the pain is more than they can withstand. With that, the Bloodsbane will send them out into the world, looking for victims to drag back to the master plant. Due to their reaction to light, the Scorched must travel at night. Though blind, their sense of smell and hearing remain, and are often amplified. They seek fresh blood, and will go after any fleshy being that can feed their master. Due to constant pain, their adrenaline is always on max, allowing them to have surprising strength. To aid in bringing down prey is their swollen tongues. These fleshy appandages are now bursting with spiny hairs, which inject the toxic oil. The oil they flush into victims is drawn from the supply that grows within the Scorched. So when a Scorched snares a victim with their tongue, their pain lessens as the burning oil siphons away. This insidious mechanism causes Scorched to happily seek out prey, as it means that their pain will subside for a few wonderful moments. To prevent the Scorched from taking advantage of this, the hairs on their tongue only activate when pressed up against warm, living flesh. They must catch living victims for their pain to subside, and they must bring them to their master if the agony is to stop for a brief moment. When prey is subdued by the agonizing oil and their great strength, the Scorched will drag them back to the Giant Bloodsbane. There, the Bloodsbane will take the victim and completely drain them of blood. As long as they have servants already working for them, there is no need to eat lightly. The drained husk will be dropped amongst their roots, destined to add to the pile of bones that grow at its base. After the meal is enjoyed, the Scorched gets its reward. A sharpened tendril of the Bloodsbane will puncture their bodies and drain away great quantities of burning oil. At the same time, it will feed in a numbing fluid that will free the Scorched from pain for a few hours. This fluid also has euphoric properties that fill the Scorched with wonderful feelings of pleasure and joy. Drugged out of their minds and pain, the Scorched will slump down in a nice dark place and drift away in ecstasy. Their clouded minds too absorbed in the pleasure to even try and escape from the Bloodsbane. In time, the effects will wear off and the pain will return. Now in agony and hooked on the addictive fluid, the Scorched will now be even more desperate to find prey and experience that pleasure again. This creates a sick cycle, where the victims happily serve this cruel plant, all for a bit of rest from the constant pain. When transformed, very few are capable of escaping the Bloodsbane's grasp. The burning and blisters are permanent, and they are forever blind. Hooked on the fluid and driven by pain, most Scorched will be killed by victims who fight back, or be hunted down by knights and guards. While this may seem cruel, it is honestly the best course of action. There is no cure for their agony, and there is no way to heal their burnt bodies. The relief of death is what they need, even if their maddened minds do not realize it. Until the end, they will fight and hunt, desperate for that pleasure and pain free trip the Bloodsbane will send them on. For the few who have escaped, they have simply just been hooked up to a constant stream of pain-relieving drugs. The endless flow is needed to combat the oil, which will leave the Scorched in a vegetative state. So even when free, they are left as nothing more than mindless husks, forever slumbering in a medical coma. Some have been able to speak a few words, and that has given some knowledge on the Bloodsbane. According to those who have been able to speak, the Giant Bloodsbane speaks with "a voice of mother," giving comfort and gentle warnings for those who serve under them. Apparently the voice of the Bloodsbane remains in their head at all times, always urging them to try harder and to succeed. They give promises of relief and pleasure, and never seem to insult or belittle. If one tries to stray from the path, the upset Bloodsbane will simply warn them of the consequences and suggest that they "think more clearly." From what is gathered, Giant Bloodsbane all speak with a female's voice, a soothing, motherly tone that gives the illusion of comfort in their agonizing lives. Due to their horrible ways and cruel methods, Giant Bloodsbane are targets for eradication by practically every species. Even dryads seek their destruction, and they are often the ones enlisted to bring them down. Even though we are immune to their oils, Bloodsbanes are not to be taken lightly. Their tendrils and stalks can move at lightening speeds, allowing them to whip an opponent so hard and fast that they can decapitate them as if using a blade. Crushing embraces are often used, and every Scorched in their command is brought into the fight. Despite the warriors' good intentions, the Scorched will fight them to the death. The Bloodsbane offers the only relief they know, and they will not let it disappear so easily. The last thing to mention about the Giant Bloodsbane is their odd behavior when it comes to reproduction. That is to say that they don't seem to think about reproduction at all. Bloodsbane are not sterile, and can indeed bear seed, but they seem oblivious to the whole system. They do not seem to pollinate intentionally, and the seeds they bear are not spread by their hand. Their leafy hands can release pollen, but this seemingly occurs at random and not by the will of the Bloodsbane. Their hands also contain the pores that can absorb pollen and use it to grow a seed. Bloodsbane seem to be able to pollinate with any plant, which allows them to bear seed without even realizing it. If they simply touch a plant that is in its reproductive phase, they can gain the materials needed to make seed. The seed is formed within their roots, and it will remain there forever, as the Bloodsbane does not even seem to be aware of its existence. The only reason Bloodsbane even exist is because the Scorched aid them. Some curious Scorched may find the seeds within the roots and take them away. Perhaps they believe the Bloodsbane will reward them for spreading their kind, or perhaps it is some invasive command in their brain that forces them to comply. Regardless, the Scorched are the only reason these seeds are spread and the Giant Bloodsbane live on. It is saddening, really. How those who are victims to this horrible species are the sole reason why these monsters even exist. Chlora Myron Dryad Natural Historian -------------------------------------------------------------------- A nasty plant monster based on the Giant Hogweed. It is literally a plant that causes burns that react in sunlight. It is practically a vampire maker!

#bloodsbane #plant monster #monster #creature #giant hogweed #giant #vampire

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tipsycad147 · 6 years ago

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Five hard truths about magick

Posted by Michelle Gruben on Mar 29, 2019

Of the many laws of magick, there are a few that you’ll never see on a T-shirt or affirmation board. Here, we’ll cover some of the tough stuff: The harsh, the unsettling, the ambiguous facts of living an enchanted life.

This article was inspired by some recent discussions of false positivity—that is, the habitual repetition of encouraging words and images. In short, false positivity means well, but it does harm by shutting down discussion of anything problematic. You can’t hide the truth forever—and when you try, it seeps out in sneaky and unexpected ways.

There are certain aspects of magick that are difficult to come to terms with. The purpose of airing them is not to discourage anyone from their path, but to counter some of the shallow advice and empty promises that the witchy blogosphere churns out.

It’s time for some straight talk about magick—some Swords to go with your Cups, some Rue with your Roses.

1. It's not for everybody.

Can anyone become a Witch? Any honest answer to this question is complicated. In some ways, yes—the magickal arts are open to all who seek them. In other ways, no. Some people lack the gifts, the learning—but most often, the dedication—to become effective practitioners of the Craft.

These two are the fundamental magickal skills: The ability to alter reality through will. And, the ability to perceive things beyond the normal senses. These experiences are part of our natural state of being. They are, in a sense, the birthright of every conscious creature.

Yet these abilities are constrained on our earthly plane and must be located and cultivated. You need a strong will to accomplish this. It takes repetition. It takes humility. It often requires help from others—partners, spirits, plants, disparate parts of self—whose cooperation you must earn.

In short, excelling in magick is just like excelling in business or music or athletics. Not every aspirant will have what it takes. Talent only gets you so far. Hard work isn’t always enough. Sometimes you do everything right and still don’t get the results you want.

It’s not easy. It’s not for everyone (or at least, not all of the time).

2. Real witchcraft isn't photogenic.

Thick black eyeliner, a bespoke cloak, moon tattoos, and a table full of Amethysts—that’s what magick is made of, right? Sure, if you believe the internet. Like so many other things, witchcraft has been co-opted in recent years by lifestyle bloggers and taste makers, advertisers and influences. Super-stylish, just-edgy-enough witchy pics go hand-in-hand with the idea that magick is a piece of cake.

What’s wrong with enjoying all these highly preformative images of witchcraft? Nothing! There’s no reason a person can’t be genuinely magickal and also extremely good at self-presentation. Visual art is a kind of magick, too. However, let’s not make the mistake of confusing Instagram witches with the real thing.

It’s even possible for personal magick and social media to work at cross-purposes. Oversharing violates the principle of magickal silence—the idea that talking about your workings can dilute or disperse their energy. People who endlessly photograph their working tools, altars, and ritual garments are arguably siphoning off some of their power for the sake of likes and followers.

Thinking back about the most powerful magick I’ve witnessed, much of it has been in the dark, among old or shabbily dressed people, with nary a smartphone in sight. The most eye-opening books I own are crappy dog-eared paperbacks that would look terrible in a tableau with a crystal pendant and a sprig of Rosemary. Pinterest offers no altar porn for the third eye…you’ll have to find those goodies on your own.

3. Magick is dangerous.

The Satanic Panic of the 1990s was in full swing when I first embarked on my magickal studies. The media often reported on the addiction, insanity, and death that were the obvious consequences of dabbling in the occult. Religious tracts and books warned against the dangers of “gateway” activities like drum circles and Harry Potter books. I used to hoard these writings and snicker at them. What a quaint idea—that devils stalk the earth, seeking the ruin of souls through Ouija boards and zodiac pendants!

With more experience, I see a grain of truth in those zealous warnings. It’s not all rainbows and butterflies out there, folks. Different magicians have different opinions about whether spirit entities have an external reality or only dwell within the mind of the magick worker. I can’t prove it either way, of course. But my own instinct says that entities are real, they have independent consciousness, and not all of them have your best interests in mind.

Not scared of spirits? Fine—let’s go to the energy model of magick. Playing with spiritual technologies—meditation, invocation, astral travel—can cause extreme and rapid shifts in your energy body. They can wreck your appetite and mess with your sex life. They can effect changes in your mood and sleep cycle that will disrupt every aspect of your daily existence.

Other hazards of the occult are more pedestrian: You can become arrogant (common!). You can turn into a colossal bore who only talks to plants (and even the plants wish you would shut up). You can invite the scorn of people who don’t approve of your path, people who formerly respected you. It’s hard to keep your spiritual and mundane lives in balance—but it’s absolutely necessary if you want to make magick a lifelong quest.

Anything worthwhile carries some risk. With magick, we are talking about nothing less than the rapid evolution of the soul…so it only makes sense than the risks would be commensurate with the reward. Only you can weigh the dangers and decide if it’s worth doing. (See #1: It’s not for everybody.)

4. You (probably) need tools for effective spellwork.

“Cast spells without tools!”

“The secret of mental magick!”

“Advanced witchcraft!”

There’s a whole slew of authors and teachers offering instruction in tool-less spellcraft. And yeah, technically they’re correct: The only tool you really need is your focused, unadulterated Will.

But therein lies the problem. How many of us actually possess a focused, unadulterated Will? We’re human! Our thoughts are always mixed with distractions, mental noise, memories, and misgivings. Magick without tools is theoretically do-able…but in practice, it’s rarely as effective.

It’s true that intention is the most important component in spellwork. It’s true, also, that the more practised you become with certain skills (visualisation and trance induction), the less you tend to rely on the externals. However…

Magickal tools—and I’m not just saying this as a shop owner—tools play a very important role. Several roles, actually. That’s why Witches—yes, even “advanced” ones, have employed them for centuries.

What do tools accomplish that thoughts alone do not? Here’s a sampling:

1. Anchoring: Tools link your intention in the physical plane (which is where you want the results to manifest, right?) Most magick spells can be conceived as a kind of cycle—from earthly need to thought/will and back to physical action. Tools complete the loop by grounding your petition in the present time and place.

2. Distraction: Tools subvert the less-magickal parts of the brain (mental chatter, worries, skepticism) by engaging the older, more primal parts. Tying knots, lighting incense, and dressing candles are all classic ways to activate spells. You could say these actions let your magickal self do its work by keeping the mind and body busy.

3. Correspondence: Spell ingredients like herbs and candles contribute allied energies to your spell. The magickal brain is both literal and sensual. To a person who is very familiar with lemons, the thought of a lemon is enough to invoke Solar energy. But if you have an actual lemon—bright and yellow and soaked in the summer sun—that’s better, you know? I refer to Randall Garrett’s maxim: “The best symbol for a sharp knife is a sharp knife.”

4. Effort: The extra work of using tools is a gatekeeper that separates the worthy spells from the unworthy ones. When you go through the trouble to acquire and prepare materials, you’re signalling to your unconscious that this spell actually matters—and that will generally translate to better results.

Magickal tools don’t have to be complicated, and they don’t have to be expensive. (See our list of cheap and free witchcraft tools.) A candle and some oil. A pen and a piece of paper. Keep it focused: An over-encumbered spell is just as a bad as a flimsy one.

Unless you are a super-adept—like, the kind of master that comes along once in a zillion years—you probably can’t just speak or dream your desires into being. Spells without tools are more akin to…wishes. It’s fun to make a wish, but they usually don’t come true on their own.

5. There are no experts.

“We’re all apprentices in a craft where no one becomes a master.” Ernest Hemingway was referring to writing, but the same can certainly be said of the metaphysical arts.

Magick is a vast and mysterious topic. There’s a natural instinct to look up to people who have been at it longer than you, or who seem to be more sure of themselves. But while some people are objectively more accomplished, there’s nobody who’s got it all figured out. We are all grappling with the inexplicable mystery of consciousness. We are all grasping at forms we can’t possibly see the shape of.

It’s scary to realise that everybody else is basically flying blind. But it’s liberating, too. When you stop relying on others to show you the way, you can begin to truly explore your own power.

And there you have it...five tough nuggets. I don't expect that this will become one of my most popular blog posts ever, but I'm happy that I published it. What are your hard-won magickal truths? Share with other readers in the comments!

https://www.groveandgrotto.com/blogs/articles/five-hard-truths-about-magick

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beca · 8 years ago

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Two weeks ago, I celebrated one whole year in that little Southwest Atlanta house I own. Since moving in, I cycled through one roommate and recently acquired a new one (Rebekah, who is the best and also took this insane picture, during which Moose inserted his overgrown toenail claws between two rib bones of hers. She swears she wasn’t angry about it, saying she grew up with cats and is used to their fits of random violence. Did I mention she’s the best). Speaking of, I also welcomed Moose into my heart and home, as well as Kevin’s (the two give each other showers when not participating in relay races). It’s been a doozy but I love it. Building a home — piece by piece, check by check, YouTube tutorial by YouTube tutorial — has been immensely rewarding, made all the more so because of the early naysayers.

Although extremely frustrating and upsetting at the time, last summer I didn’t realize but I was naturally whittling down my inner circle. A number of close friends urged me to consider purchasing a condo instead of a house — smaller, more manageable for just one person. It’s true I’m one of few people I know who entered the ranks of homeownership as a single person, but I don’t see how that matters. I take pride in solving problems, maintaining, cleaning, personalizing. And since I do so without having to consider the 50 percent weigh-in of a partner, that means it’s totally mine. How is that a bad thing?

Regardless, I do get a lot of help from my family and a tighter-knit network of friends, sans judgement. It’s been a tough pill to swallow — letting go of some of these other friendships, through homeownership resistance and other instances lacking mutual support — but that seems to be the pattern of growing up. We have less spare time, energy, resources to support a rambling, widespread quilt of acquaintances so we home in on those rooted in healthy symbiosis. The drifting doesn’t have to be malicious (I hope not, at least), it’s just natural as growth corkscrews in different, often deviating directions.

Another new direction, too: I recently returned to full-time freelancing. I really enjoyed my time at the agency, learning the ropes of marketing and associated copywriting. However, when a part-time opportunity literally fell into my lap with NYLON, I felt like I couldn’t pass. Add on top of that a number of editors I admire from publications I grew up adoring reaching out to me, and... well, how could I not? I worried if I kept ignoring the phone, eventually it would stop ringing. Currently I have a low mortgage, good health, no children, no partner who needs financial support (lucky this dude seems to have everything handled himself), no pressing debt, etc. — now is the time, etc.

I’m finally getting healthy, as well. I wish I looked into it earlier, but after a year and a half of therapy, I visited a psychiatrist to explore medicinal options. I learned I have a major anxiety disorder, which I’m sure any ex-boyfriend could have probably told you before. A doctor prescribed me a moderate dose of Lexapro to try, in addition to other holistic measures like keeping up with therapy, exercise, sleep, and so on. Even just a little introspection has helped me realize a number of unhealthy ways I coped with the anxiety before I understood what it was, namely imbibing in alcohol past the point of control. Though I’m leaps and bounds from the multiple weekly blackouts of when I was living in Brooklyn (and waking up in strange places, next to strange men. It’s truly amazing I survived all that), I still have occasional slips and lose entire days thanks to panic attacks taking full control. I’ve thought I was getting better or cutting back — THIS TIME FOR REAL — before, but this time really DOES feel for real. Starting medication and self-analysis is helping me gain monumental control compared to where I was even a month ago. So that is good.

I feel like my life is aligning somewhat with the calendar’s seasons. It’s late summer; still hot but the raucous fun is starting to thin as nights grow cooler and ads for back-to-school supplies stuff our mailboxes. It’s a period of reflection, which can be hard but ultimately cannot be skipped. Such Q&A within your own brain and heart is paramount to building the foundation for a successful year, which always seems to start in August, according to my subconscious.

Anyway! Here’s some stuff I published recently I’m pretty proud of:

Bon Appétit: Everything About Rap Snacks is Amazing GQ: What is a Recovering Fuckboy and Do You Know One? Rolling Stone: ‘A Piece of Work’: Inside Abbi Jacobson’s New Art Podcast NPR Music: Songs We Love: BOSCO’s ‘Adrenaline’

Oh! And in March of this year, I started dating a man I’ve known and considered a best friend since I was 15 and we had newspaper class together. I totally love him and he helps keep me grounded while also challenging me on the regular. Among various said challenges, he’s helping me learn piano. We jam out every so often, sipping the delicious Old Fashioneds he makes — or seltzer. He’s also making me watch Game of Thrones and weirdly I don’t hate it. Who am I??

Here’s a track to leave y’all. I hope to start more regularly blogging again. To keep myself accountable, and for whoever wants to follow along. Maybe no one — and TBH, that’s fine, too.

#musings #kevin

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slendermanlore · 8 years ago

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Slender Man Mythos + Fatalism

Consider this a polar opposite companion post to the “motivational” one. Confusingly enough, some of these can be just as comforting in their own way.

Original Mythos, “Stirling City Incidents”:

“we didn’t want to go, we didn’t want to kill them, but its persistent silence and outstretched arms horrified and comforted us at the same time…”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #18”:

“Something dangerous is going on, and I’m starting to regret ever getting involved with it now.”

Everyman HYBRID, “First Hidden Box”:

“Consider this a place of refuge, not from the waters, but from damnation.”

Original Mythos, “The Tall Man”:

“Because,” said her mother, “there is no reward for goodness; there is no respite for faith; there is nothing but cold steel teeth and scourging fire for all of us. And it’s coming for you now.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #22”:

“Seth is gone. I don’t remember what happened. We were the only two left. And I left him. Brian is gone. Tim, and Jay, and Sarah. Everyone is gone. I just woke up in this house. With the tape. Seth’s camera is gone, and all I can remember from the night is right here. All I can remember at all is on the tape now. I’m leaving this house. I thought I would be safer here, by running away. But everything’s just gotten worse. I’m going back to my home. And I’m burning these tapes. All of them.”

Everyman HYBRID, “Second Hidden Box”:

“Time and space flee every which way, disregarding your beloved logic.”

Just Another Fool, “Untitled”:

“I run. And that’s all I can do. I will run and run and run and die. Perhaps then I will find sanity.”

Original Mythos, “Original Mythos Meta”:

“It was as if my body was trying to tell me something… Not the frantic 'Don't look, don't look, dear god please walk faster,' but instead the eerily calm 'There's no need to look. You already know he's there.'”

Everyman HYBRID, “I’m okay.”:

“And thus the roadtrip continues. Maybe I'd think of something poetic, but I have to keep moving. I have to do this alone. And now.”

Tribe Twelve, Twitter:

“The key to not having nightmares is to not sleep at all. Insomnia has its benefits, and flaws. My dreams are starting to creep into reality.”

Original Mythos, “Miscellaneous Journal Entries”:

“I don’t hear the words, but they always stick in my head. I’m going to watch over my son. Until the day I die, until the day he dies.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #23”:

“I’m done with this. I don’t want to know the answers anymore.”

Everyman HYBRID, “Reunion.”:

“Who are you, my dear friend, to reach someone like me? I look forward to our reunion in Hell.

Otherwise, I fear my warnings have fallen on deaf ears. The sight of its black eyes, those markings; this blight is not human, and now has claimed another one of us.

I’m sorry I was too late.

– Linnie.”

Original Mythos, “Fear Dubh”:

“I’ve still got the rosary, and even though people laugh, I sleep with it under my pillow. Because if I don’t, I dream. About the sound of wet leaves sliding softly across a window, and the way he is still watching me, even though he has no eyes.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #####”:

“We will wait for you no more. Control is being taken away from you. From the start this has been a game for us. Not anymore. I'm coming for you. And you will lead me to the ark.”

Original Mythos, “Deadly House Fire”:

“He’s going to come for me, and then he’s going to find you. You can’t stop it, you can never stop it. He finds you, and what he does to you is worse than death.”

Original Mythos, “Original Mythos Meta”:

“He isn't coming. He is already here, and he always has been, and always will be.”

Everyman HYBRID, “Third Hidden Box”:

“There is no veiling your perception as anything more than an illusion.”

Original Mythos, “Fog”:

“The car stopped, the engine revved but to no avail. The battery was the last look into the infinite abyss. He knew this was his stop.”

Everyman HYBRID, CANYOUSEETHEWORDS:

“this is no longer their game. consider yourself marked.”

Tribe Twelve, “Device Findings”:

“You, and everyone you've ever known, are prisoners… bound in a cave and facing a blank wall on which you can only perceive shadows. A brain connected to eyes and nothing more. We have seen what casts those shadows, Noah Maxwell. Why won't you let us untie you? You are quite deserving, after all. The Boardwalk. Bring the journal. That is your homework. However, if you come empty handed, we shall be forced to take… disciplinary actions.”

Original Mythos, “Pyotr”:

“About that time, things started to change. It was not the people so much as the air, which seemed to hold less oxygen and felt static at all times, constantly threatening to send out a spark at any point and any time.

[...]

It is a mistake. It must be corrected. It will come. He will come.”

Dark Harvest, “Log Entry #27”:

“You can’t make them stop, Chris. You and I have both seen what they’ll do to you, and anyone else involved. I’m involved… this is what they’ll do. They’ll kill you the second they get a chance.”

Everyman HYBRID, Twitter:

“YOU STILL BELIEVE THIS IS MERELY THEIR STORY. YOU ASSUME A GRANTED REFUGE? NO SUCH SANCTUARY EXISTS.

YOU COULDN'T SAVE HER. DO THEY THINK THEY ARE ANY DIFFERENT? YOU ARE ALL IN THE SAME. SINKING. VESSEL.”

Just Another Fool, “The Reward”:

“The Earth shifts. The earth shifts. Time shifts. Reality shifts. And he just. Doesn’t. Care.”

Original Mythos, “Small Findings”:

“But I am sure that I cannot sleep or will not wake up. I cannot leave. i can hear the waiting noises just outside. All i can do is wait, and return to this damned drawing, and wonder…”

Original Mythos, “Original Mythos Meta”:

“I can hear him. I can always hear him, every day. Far, far away, but getting closer with each scratching step. Only a matter of time until he comes back, and I learn everything.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #49”:

“I didn't want to upload it here, but now I feel like I need to in case anything happens to me or the footage.”

Everyman HYBRID, Twitter:

“IN A WORLD OF SUCH UNCERTAINTY, THERE IS ONE TRUTH WE CAN CLING TO: WE SHALL ALL JOIN THE DOCTOR, INEVITABLY. YOU, TOO, SHALL DROWN. vii”

Original Mythos, “Rodzby Incident”:

“when your time comes

Don’t Run.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #52”:

“It might be nothing. He might actually show us something. But if he does try anything, I’m going to make sure that Jessica gets out. Whatever it is that I have to do to make sure of that, I don’t care. So I guess that’s my confession or whatever, about what happened, if anything does happen to me.”

Everyman HYBRID, CANYOUSEETHEWORDS:

“I’m sorry, Jeff. I’m sorry, Vincent. I’m sorry Evan. Most of all, I’m sorry, Jessalyn. I’m sorry, “HYBRIDs” (still can’t get past the nickname). I’ve brought this upon myself. Maybe we’ll speak again someday. Probably not. Don’t follow my footsteps.

Be not like me. I am alone.”

Everyman HYBRID, “77of76.avi”:

“It’s like you’re just going around in circles; you don’t get anywhere. No progress is made. You go in, balls to the wall, but it doesn’t fucking matter. You just wind up in the same fucking spot.”

Everyman HYBRID, “Fifth Hidden Box”:

“THEIR WORLD SHALL PERISH

THEIR WORLD SHALL BURN

YOU, TOO, ARE ON THIS SAME. SINKING. VESSEL.

THE GREAT FLOOD SHALL WASH AWAY ALL THE ASH, READYING THE WORLD FOR ANOTHER GREATER, CYCLE

[EXIT ALL]”

Everyman HYBRID, “Tribe Twelve Envelope”:

“Milo seemed frightened of this man, but also held a sense of… let's just say, concerned respect. Accepted inevitability. This worried me a great deal. He didn't seem eager to rid himself of this man, more so that he accepted this as how things would be and could not seek an accommodating change from its standing.

He went on to tell me that this man had a particular plan for him, for other children, too. They were all to go on a great journey together. The way Milo described it, it seemed like a vacation, disregarding the melancholy nature in which he told it.”

Original Mythos, “Original Mythos Meta”:

“Knowing the slenderman…he wouldn't even strike for weeks, months, even years…he is just letting you know that your time is running out and that he is holding the hourglass”

Tribe Twelve, “The Order”:

“This is exactly what he fucking wants… he pulls us apart.”

Everyman HYBRID, “Twenty-four Months”:

“Three friends, two parents, two loved ones, two strangers, two coworkers, a brother, his dog, and still no resolution.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #60.5”:

“I’m still not sure what to do from here. I don’t like being on my own again like this, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.”

Dark Harvest, “Log Entry #28”:

“Although the words of the Oracle may protect you from death by our hand, Gorr’Rylaehotep will destroy you one day. Why he hasn’t yet is a mystery but rest assured, your time will come. What we can do, though, if you ever try to uncover the secrets of our Order again, is give you a fate far worse than death. We will kill everyone you love. Your entire family will be destroyed, and your world will crumble. Although we cannot kill you, we will find you. We will take you into our care and make your every waking moment an unending hell! You will be begging for the release of death, but we will not give it to you. We will only bring you more suffering. Think about that before you attempt to contact anyone in our Order again! I hope you heed our words and stay out of our business, or you’ll be regretting it until the day you die!”

Original Mythos, “Nathaniel V”:

“If a magician must face a Transformed man, all logic, honor, and fairness must be tossed aside. The Transformed does not follow any rules that can be known by men.

To decipher them is to risk becoming one of them.”

Tribe Twelve, “Catharsis”:

“Whatever they have planned for me on the 11th, I just hope it doesn't hurt. Comment if you want, I don't care anymore. I'm so sorry for everything guys. I'm so fucking sorry.”

Tribe Twelve, “INTERCEPTION”:

“BUT IF YOU DO NOT/INSANITY WILL RULE YOUR MIND/BECAUSE/DO YOU KNOW WHATS WORSE THAN KNOWING WHEN THE CLOCK STOPS?/NOT KNOWING”

Everyman HYBRID, “Sixth Hidden Box”:

“I know there's nothing I can do to help their memory, but every night, I wake up, preparing for a battle, readying myself to fight for their lives – only to remember that I've already failed them.”

Original Mythos, “Original Mythos Meta”:

“If you get away its only because he lets you, hes the monster in your nightmare who always finds your hiding place.”

Tribe Twelve, Twitter

“It's been approximately 3 years since I opened this account. Things have gotten worse each year. The future is pitch black.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #67.5”:

“If Alex is still out there, he’s going to find us sooner or later.”

Everyman HYBRID, “:D”:

“And in that moment, I’ll be there. To piss in your wounds, and to burn you alive. You think you’re untouchable? Not even God can hide from me.”

Tribe Twelve, Twitter:

“life is but a dream. what happens when u wake up. how do u know if youre dreaming. questions fuel my insomnia. or am i still just dreaming.”

Everyman HYBRID, “Next”:

“They're all gone. Everyone except for you guys. I'm not going to stop. And if I go next, just don't forget us. [V]”

Original Mythos, “Henry Louis Marshall”:

“The closer you get to him, the more real he becomes. The closer you get to him, the more people die.

If you’re reading this, then I got too close.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #75”:

“It is going to be really weird if it comes to that and we come out on top, though. Because… I don’t remember what all I did before all of this happened. No… well… I do remember that I was living in a crappy apartment by myself doing nothing. So at least now I guess I’m… doing… something… I don’t know.”

Everyman HYBRID, “l'esprit de l'escalier”:

“They won't let me... they won't let me go.”

“I don't think they're gonna let any of us go, Evan.”

“Vinny... I tried.”

“Tried what, Evan?”

“I tried to keep you safe.”

“I don't think anything's gonna do it at this point, brother.”

Tribe Twelve, Ask.fm:

“Are you running yet?”

“in my mind i run miles every day. trying to escape this life. but when i wake up i realize i havent moved at all.”

Dark Harvest, “the last three months - part two”:

“At the time I had no idea that thing was ever in the apartment. When I reviewed the footage, I was both frightened and confused. Why didn’t it kill us like it killed Greg? It feels like it’s just toying with us at this point.”

Original Mythos, “Of the Slender Man”:

“No matter what culture he descends on though, the outcome has always been the same. For in the wake of the Slender Man all that is left is a cold, dark road covered in corpses with agony on their distorted faces.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #80”:

“I left Jay at my house so something like this wouldn’t happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I don’t know what to do.”

Original Mythos, “Original Mythos Meta”:

“We have created the Slender Man. Brought him out of the shadows and back into the world.

We have created a monster and we cannot put it back in its cage.”

Just Another Fool, “Laughter”:

“I can hear the laughter. Through this endless night and after. I can hear the singing. Chorus, verse, and refrain ringing.”

Everyman HYBRID, “Lexi”:

“You gotta be able to live with yourself after seeing all this shit. After being involved with the deaths of all these you people; you gotta be okay with it. Otherwise you're never going to get past it. There's going to be a lot more blood. A lot more bodies before this is all over. And you have to be okay with that, otherwise you'll just end up being one of them.”

Tribe Twelve, Ask.fm:

“What gives you the strength to get up and continue with this?”

“it is not strength. it is cowardice. that coward creature in the mirror that was once myself. i am but a witness to his destruction. his slow decay.”

Original Mythos, “Remains of Missing Camper”:

“I think I hear him coming, I don’t feel like fighting or running or chasing anymore. I will lie down and await the peace of death, perhaps I will find repose then. Perhaps I will find home.”

Tribe Twelve, Ask.fm:

“Oh Noah… You will be back to normal i just know you will”

“you cannot reassemble burnt paper.”

Original Mythos, “Comment Chain”:

“Then a crackling breathing is heard coming through the car speakers. You flick the switch but it grows louder and encompasses you and comes from everywhere. Then it slowly dies down and begins to pinpoint itself… away from the speakers.

You realize it’s coming from the back seat.”

Tribe Twelve, Twitter:

“hope is but the caged angel. slave to fear. there is no door. no lock. no key. but there are bars to tease. and she reaches out to no avail.”

Tribe Twelve, Twitter:

“5 years. this is all a dream. you are all dreaming with me. i cant sleep but i cant wake up. i wake up asleep. nothing is real. where am i.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #85”:

“Alex has destroyed everything I have. I don’t care what happens to me as long as he is stopped. There’s only one way this can end, and he’ll hunt me forever until it does. I have to find him.”

Everyman HYBRID, “Blue room”:

“Just because you're alive doesn't make you a hero. Makes you a survivor. That's not worth shit. I would give anything to just go back and not fuck with this. Not do what we did. Who knows, maybe it wouldn't have even made a difference. You know?”

Tribe Twelve, “DEATHTRAPEXODUS”:

“IF YOU AREN'T BROKEN NOW/WE WILL BREAK YOU THEN/BECAUSE NIGHT IS LONGEST/WHEN DAY DOES NOT EXIST/OUR MASTER HUNGERS FOR YOU/WE ARE ALL CAUGHT IN HIS WEB/AND THE WEB CONSUMES US ALL”

Original Mythos, “Stanley Ercavich”:

“But then she started going on about how it wasn’t an end, but a beginning…fuck it, right?”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #86”:

“This isn’t over. You see how it spreads. If there’s someone left, you have to kill them, and then yourself.”

Tribe Twelve, Twitter:

“used to think jumanji cant hurt if you dont play. except the game is in session. i have to roll.”

Tribe Twelve, Twitter:

“used to think this was a nightmare i couldnt wake up from. i was wrong. i wake up from nightmares into more nightmares. im living a lifemare.”

Original Mythos, “Abandoned Journal”:

“The story of the Greens interested me fiercely but nobody in the town was willing to talk. That night, I called my children and wife. I told them how very much I loved them.

And I told them to lock the doors.”

Tribe Twelve, Ask.fm:

“Do You Fear The pain anymore? Do you fear the thought of dead?”

“ive become the pain. death and fear are my friends now.”

Dark Harvest, “2014 - boiler room”:

“I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I don’t see a point. I’m surviving, but is it worth it? What the fuck is the point if it’s never going to get any better? I can’t fucking deal with this… I just can’t.”

Tribe Twelve, “Pitfall”:

“This is the end! I’m fucking dead! I’m free!”

Just Another Fool, “Journal of Logan Renault”:

“Fate. It surrounds us. Guides us. Draws us together. It is permanent, UNWAVERING AND CONCRETE. ONCE YOUR FATE IS DECIDED, IT is Not about to change.”

Everyman HYBRID, “two thousand three hundred ninety-five”:

“You know what? You are right, though, about one thing. Kinda does look like the only way out. Because what do I have, to make it out of here? To get answers? Cool, got answers. There is no life. Because you took everybody! You know what? If there's a heaven... hell, if there's a hell! It's better than this.”

Original Mythos, “Original Mythos Meta”:

“Nobody knows where it is you are taken to, but nobody ever comes backs, and everybody agrees it's generally a horrible place. And maybe in this place, you can't die. And maybe you also don't need organs or skin or even a body, really, and that's why yours has now been nicely wrapped up and hung in a tree.”

Tribe Twelve, Scriniarii on Reddit:

“Look I've been doing this over and over for so long. I'm tired. Everyone I have ever loved is gone because of me and I'm doomed to relive their deaths over and over every fucking recursion because you can't get your shit together and stop trying to be individuals. Maybe I just fucked this up and we will have to reset again, maybe you just needed this push.”

Marble Hornets, “Entry #87”:

“Everything is fine.”

#Slender Man Arkive #original mythos #marble hornets #Just Another Fool #EverymanHYBRID #TribeTwelve #DarkHarvest00 #slenderverse

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mayacatmaster · 7 years ago

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Woohoo She can eat as many fruit as she wants!

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Via and thanks “Samiksa Love”

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

The day I broke up with Normal was the first day of my magical life.

*** *** ***

When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful. *** *** ***

It's my responsibility to Rendezvous with my joy.

*** *** ***

Because…: What is Insanity ? Following any kind of Dark-tyrant-ruler’s-belief-system or don’t kiss any kind of Dark-tyrant-ruler’s-ass. *** *** *** *** ***

So…:

I don't want anyone to own me, to control me, or to box me into he or his perspectives of what I should be.

It doesn't work like that for me.

I will say no to help that comes with conditions.

I will say hell no to people who want to control my mind and box me in.

~Sylvester McNutt Ⅲ

*** *** ***

You want to tell me about your religion-belief-system, your morality-belief-system because I don't have one?

I know about religion, morality...:

That' why I don't have one.

*** *** ***

Practically the whole human race is hypnotized because it thinks what some body else told it to think. ~Ernest Holmes *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** “The ultimate tyranny in a society is not control by martial law. It is control by the psychological manipulation of consciousness, through which reality is defined so that those who exist within it do not even realize that they are in prison. They do not even realize that there is something outside of where they exist. You have been controlled like sheep in a ✒️ by those who think they own you — from the government to the ?Management Team to those in space. You have been deprived of knowledge by frequency control.”

~ Barbara Marciniak, Bringers of the Dawn

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Any kind of forcing religious creeds, morality dogmas and societal-belief-myths on children is child abuse. Any kind of "what you should be"... only teach their children "Blind-Obey" and don't allowed their children to question and self-enquiry for themselves, is child abuse. *** *** ***

Just like the story of "The Wizard of Oz" ...the little girl named Dorothy ask Tin Man: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? Some people without brains do an awful-lot of talking. *** *** *** No matter of it in a religion-system, morality-system, education-system, or in a country, in a home, or in any kind of relationship…: *** *** *** No matter of it in a religion-system, morality-system, …: 95% of them just like Tin Man haven't got a brain…: 95% of them just like Tin Man without brains do an awful-lot of talking. *** *** *** And in this world, so many “so call” teachers, gurus, masters, saints, or people without brains do an awful lot of talking, Just like those madness man, Just like the Tin Man , Just like parrot or Just like a mind-computer-box keep pour out or keep running what their Pre-programmed code , those code that has already been written down, generation after generation, those belief-system-code continued for hundreds of years or thousands of years . *** *** *** Practically the whole human race is hypnotized because it thinks what some body else told it to think. ~Ernest Holmes *** *** *** *** It is through watching the "Cycles" of Nature that we more fully understand the cycles of our own lives. *** *** *** Four things cannot be long hidden; the sun, the moon, the Big-Dipper and the “Truth”(True Self; Tao; Logos; Ma-at; Dharma; Source). *** *** *** Because…: A lie doesn't become truth, wrong doesn't become right and evil doesn't become good, just because it's accepted by a majority. *** *** *** The truth is the truth even if no one believes it, and a lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. *** *** *** If not according to the “Help people as a Deliberate-Alignment-Creator”, To make their beautiful dream come true, To get any kind of sweet-life-fruits, and…: To get rid of any kind of vicious circle, To get rid of any kind of pain-and-bitter-life-fruits, …: *** *** So...Excuse me , do you know…: What is the difference between the words and deeds of enlightenment man and the madness man? *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** If not according to the "Help people to be natural, relax & be who-really-they-are, and alignment with their “Source”(True Self; Tao; Inner Being)”, *** *** So...Excuse me, do you know…: What is the difference between the words and deeds of enlightenment man and the madness man? *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** People who are very knowledgeable…: *** *** *** The number is very, very, very much just like the stars in the sky. The number is very, very, very much just like the sand in the sea. The number is very, very, very much just like the cattle hairs of countless cattle body. *** *** *** And no matter past, future, now, every people his or her mind-box just like a computer, Everyone speaking by his own way and style, just like the sea breeze passes through different caves have different voices. *** *** *** If we want use one’s speaking as mankind’s standard, then we want use who as mankind’s standard??? *** *** *** Because…: Connection doesn't care about the laws of the "land”(king). Your soul & heart will be pulled to the place it belongs. *** *** We meet ourselves time and time, again and again, lifetime and lifetime, in a thousand disguises on the path of "LIFE"(Tao; True Self; Source). *** *** ** So….: How do you know? Do you read a book of somebody else that knew, and you read it often enough that then you know it too? That’s not how it works, is it? Because words don’t teach, it is only life experience that teaches. ~Abraham *** *** *** So…. If them self can Be a good example and good mirror for you. *** *** *** And you can make sure what their suggestion, ... Can help you to get rid of painful and get sweet fruit. From bondage to freedom. From personality to individual. From darkness to light. From misery to enlightenment. From ignorance to innocence. From death to deathlessness. Can help you to realized your "True Self"(Tao；God) …: *** *** *** So….: Connection doesn't care about the laws of the "land”(king). Your soul & heart will be pulled to the place it belongs. *** *** So…: Master the art of observing. Master the art of observing. Master the art of observing. *** *** *** Can they…: Help people to be natural, relax & be who-really-they-are, and alignment with their “Source”(True Self; Tao; Inner Being)?; *** Can they…: Help people as a Deliberate-Alignment-Creator, To make their beautiful dream come true, To get any kind of sweet-life-fruits, and…: To get rid of any kind of vicious circle, To get rid of any kind of pain-and-bitter-life-fruits. *** *** *** If you are not true to yourself, to whom do you plead your allegiance? ~Helena Kailvoda *** If you are not true to yourself, to whom are you true? *** *** *** And my dear one, ...as an adult, you must realized it now. Big part of becoming an adult and have a harmony-maturity-integrate-health-clarity-intelligence-heart is unlearning a lot of the shit you were taught by people who didn't know what they were doing either. *** *** *** Because…: Any kind of forcing religious creeds, morality dogmas and societal-belief-myths on children is child abuse. Any kind of "what you should be"... only teach their children "Blind-Obey" and don't allowed their children to question and self-enquiry for themselves, is child abuse. *** *** *** So…: If you really want to know the religion-belief-system of man, the moral-belief-system of man, the political-belief-system of man, do not look at how much pretty word write on their holy books, do not look at how much pretty word said by their mouth, but rather, look at how they treats people in their history, but rather, look at how they treats children in their history, but rather, look at how they treats women in their history, but rather, look at how their life-fruits produced by their belief-system in their history. *** *** ***

The shadows of this world are perceived by mortals, and they think they know Truth, but the Reality which casts the shadows is hidden from them, and they do not perceive the Light. I tell you the truth when I say that only when you perceive shadows as shadows, and search the Light, will you perceive the Reality which is "God"(Source; True Self). ~Jesus, Gospel of Thomas *** *** *** Cataract is the fourth biggest cause of blindness. Religion, morality and politics remain the first third. *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Via and Thanks "Amir Mourad": *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** A refined morality is born through a mixture of wisdom, self observation, and compassion in a single intelligence. When more fully matured, the very expression of consciousness becomes an offering of love. It is then where the origins of a true morality becomes clear - where it is self knowledge which is the ground of morality - not religion, philosophy, or spiritual practice. Lacking self knowledge - where is the question of responsibility ? There is only mechanical conduct of the blind, a software following whatever rules have been imposed on it. In a cage of ego-centred principles - good and evil, right and wrong, virtue and vice, are only artificially learned behaviors - uninspired, imitative, with fear and reward as their gods *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** You are not a sheep, meant to follow blindly behind shepherds obediently. You are a wolf, meant to howl wildly at the full moon and run free through the trees; never tamed and never chained. ~Ara *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

You should not trample your truth to please others. *** *** *** I will not trade my authenticity for your approval...: *** *** *** Caring about what people think of you is useless. Most people don't even know what they think of themselves. *** *** *** All their about themselves and their world ….totally borrowed from what some body else told they to think. *** *** *** Practically the whole human race is hypnotized because it thinks what some body else told it to think. ~Ernest Holmes *** *** *** What is Insanity ? Following any kind of Dark-tyrant-ruler’s-belief-system or don’t kiss any kind of Dark-tyrant-ruler’s-ass. *** *** *** *** *** When you do not seek or need approval, you are at your most powerful. *** *** *** Follow the force that is guiding the whole universe is in you. Pledge allegiance to your "Source"(God; True Self; Tao; Logos), everything is done! ~Huangdi Yinfujing 「觀天之道，執天之行，盡矣！」: 黃帝陰符經； *** *** *** You are never along or helpless. The force that is guiding the whole universe is in you too! *** *** *** Those who flow as "Life"(Tao; True Self; Source) flows know they need no other force. ~Lao tzu *** *** *** You have all the intelligence within you. TRUST, ALLOW and only listen to your own HEART! *** *** *** Use your own light and return to the Source of "Light"(Tao; True Self; Wisdom of Universal). This is called practicing eternity. ~Lao Tzu *** *** *** Always listen to your own heart, even if it is against what your family, society, culture of religion is telling you! *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Thanks for “ONEness” *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

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meditationadvise · 7 years ago

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How To Stop Your Mind From Sabotaging Your Healthy Aspirations

You know the drill….

Waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store, you identify a lots women's magazines promising a smooth, hot body. I made use of to fall victim to those vacant pledges-- attempting the newest Simple diet plan, buying all the ingredients, as well as mentally preparing myself to genuinely stick with it this time.

But the diet plans never ever function, do they? As well as every single time you surrender after a week or 2, you feel like a failing. Again.

But suppose you might quit the insane diets and also find a better path to health?

What if you might nurture your body without needing to comply with heaps of policies and defeat yourself up when you slip?

If you change a few of your attitudes around dieting, you'll wind up with a saner strategy that will aid you succeed.

Finding a healthy and balanced mindset is a great deal simpler as well as a lot more rewarding compared to attempting yet one more diet regimen. So before you waste anymore cash on diet plan books, analyze your behaviors.

You'll be surprised to see exactly how your ideas, ideas, and subconscious can undermine your ideal efforts.

1. Permit ideas of restricted foods into your mind

Suppressing thoughts of prohibited foods backfires. Science reveals that reductions also causes greater prices of invasive ideas concerning the topic. Researchers call this ironic rebound, a hard-wired cognitive predisposition in the human brain.

When you try to push a believed away, it returns also more powerful. A subconscious component of the mind focuses on the thought that will resurface.

And hunch what? The effect is greatest when we're stressed, worn out, or distracted.

For years I did it the incorrect way. I would certainly begin a rigorous diet plan, and afterwards I 'd desire of chocolate brownies from my favorite coffee bar. I attempted like heck to stop considering those delicious chocolate brownies. In hindsight, it makes a lot feeling. Due to the fact that I attempted not to believe of those brownies, the ideas returned also stronger, as well as I ended up being distressed with myself.

Starting a diet regimen and producing a list of no-no foods sets your mind as much as suppress thoughts of those foods. You might be able to adhere to your will certainly for a couple of hours or a few days. At the end of a tiresome workday, your mind will normally allow thoughts of tempting foods to resurface. No wonder you struggle to withstand potato chips and a glass of wine.

The fix: Banish the concept of prohibited ideas. When delicious chocolate cookies or pot chips come knocking, enable these ideas right into your psyche. Approve the sensation of preferring these foods, and after that return to the present moment. Feel your breath, and note where the craving clears up in your physical body. Understand that subduing the assumed just makes you desire those foods more.

Over time, you'll see that you have control over your activities. Rather than evaluating on your own, envision the ideas of the temptation vanishing like clouds gradually surprising. Stop reducing your thoughts, as well as gradually, the invaders will stop entering your mind.

2. Quit overworking your willpower

Your willpower resembles a muscle: the much more you work it, the much faster it tires. Creating lots of rules and also concentrating on exactly what you cannot have will promptly fatigue your determination. Self-discipline invests mental energy.

When you need constant self-control to follow your regulations, your self-control muscular tissues are likely to provide. You'll discover that remembering your long-term goals is challenging. By producing lots of regulations for on your own, you establish yourself approximately break these rules.

The fix: Harness your internal rule-maker by making one or two healthy habits automated. Beginning with a healthy breakfast. My breakfast of option is oat meal made with almond or soy milk, topped with cinnamon, flax, and berries. I maintain all the ingredients handy and prepare the night prior to when necessary.

My morning meal selection is automatic, and it does not call for choosing or self-discipline. Do this for breakfast, and perhaps a salad with lunch, and you'll have the psychological power to concentrate on bigger temptations.

3. Stop ignoring your stress

If you concentrate on producing the best diet plan while ignoring your anxiety, you're placing lipstick on a pig. It won't function, regardless of just how tough you try.

When under stress, your pre-frontal cortex, or your reasonable mind, goes to sleep. Your body as well as mind come to be active sharp as well as quicken. Rather than remembering your lasting health and wellness objectives, you concentrate on immediate survival and also become a lot more impulsive.

You'll discover it more difficult to resist strawberry cheesecake when you run under anxiety. Your instincts will press you towards a potentially negative decision, so you'll have to protect on your own from yourself.

The fix: Slow on your own down. Activate your "Pause-and-Plan" response, which is the opposite of 'Fight-or-Flight." You could do this by reducing your breathing price to four or six breaths per minute. Research study shows this method increases your heart price irregularity-- you end up being much more durable to anxiety and also build your self-discipline reserve.

Exhaling for longer reduces your body down and boosts your breathing ability gradually. Breathe in for a count of five, and breathe out for a matter of 5 or 10. Depending on your present breathing capacity, it might require time to reduce to four cycles each minute, but you'll derive gain from any type of reduction in your breathing rate.

4. Practice moderation, even though it's more challenging compared to extremes

Are you attracted by limiting diets such as juice fasts or no-carb? When you get on your diet, you board the diet regimen train of selection and also follow the rules-- no carbohydrates, shakes for supper, or paleo. When you make an error, you jump off the healthy and balanced eating train and lose your self-control.

All-or-nothing reasoning causes yo-yo dieting and also stress. This comes back to direct # 1, where we quit creating 'excellent' and also 'poor' foods. As a basic rule, all foods are there to nourish, please, and support our lives. Some are a lot far better than others at fulfilling that function. Discovering how to utilize your instinct will aid you choose over the long term.

The fix: Extreme diet plans cause failing and sadness. The best way of eating is different for you than it is for me. Do on your own a significant favor and also let go of impractical beliefs. Limiting strategies do not operate in the lengthy term.

Instead, have an adaptable attitude. Permit space in your healthy consuming prepare for periodic indulgences because one choice will not doom you to failing. Strategy for a square of chocolate after your lunch. If you delight greater than you would certainly such as, take a deep breath, forgive yourself, and step on.

5. Stop gratifying yourself for being good

When you do something excellent, such as forego dessert, you really feel excellent regarding yourself, as well as this offers you permission to do something bad. Researchers call this moral licensing. If you tell on your own that you're great since you functioned out today, you might avoid the fitness center tomorrow or also have a chocolate chip cookie with your coffee.

When we have conflicting wishes, readying offers us consent to be a bit bad. As well as usually we do not really feel negative regarding these selections, we warrant them with past excellent behavior.

When you seem like a saint, the idea of indulging doesn't feel incorrect. Moral licensing techniques us into acting against our lasting goals. As well as if you're not cautious, you'll fall under this trip.

The Fix: Just what's your long-term objective? Is it finding a healthy weight? Write it, and also remember it. Actions that sustain your objective, such as workout and also consuming well, are not needs to delight. Prevent the catch of thinking, "Well I worked out and also shed 363 calories on the treadmill, so now I could have a 2nd or 3rd piece of pizza."

When you are confronted with the option of birthday cake, remember your lasting goal of sensation great, being healthy, as well as finding your ideal weight. Forget your temporary etiquettes-- the yoga exercise class, and also the salad you consumed for lunch.

Focus on where you intend to go in the long term.

6. Avoid people that undermine your finest intentions

Willpower is infectious, sadly, so is obesity. Inning accordance with Framington studies, a person's danger of weight problems raised 171% when their friends ended up being overweight. When a single person began to consume more, the habits spread throughout their network.

Luckily, good routines such as exercise are additionally contagious. Humans are wired to attach with others as well as to track what they are thinking, sensation, as well as doing.

Our simulating reactions can motivate us to want the very same foods, and feel the same feelings as those around us. We additionally consume much more with apart from when we're alone and also invest more when going shopping with friends.

What those around you consume affects your personal typical behavior. In Dan Buettner's remarkable publication, The Blue Zones Solution, the longest-lived people have solid support circles. They stroll, appreciate dishes, as well as urge each other in life.

I stay in New Orleans, a city that bids extravagance at every edge-- fried oysters, soul food, abundant, saucy Creole cuisine. Often individuals tell me they acquire 5-10 extra pounds because moving to New Orleans. Our culture cultivates guilt-free indulgence.

Over time, I have actually found a tribe that veers toward much healthier practices, and it assists me not to seem like a fanatic for choosing tofu over boiled crawfish.

The Fix: Check out your own actions. Do you tend to consume more when you are with particular close friends? Do others in your social media network share your wish to eat well? Locate partners in your healthy and balanced routines. Some places to locate healthy-minded individuals are yoga studio as well as gyms.

7. Quit expecting quick results

Let's admit it-- diet programs draws. We all want fast results. Fast weight loss isn't as effective as well as generally results in weight rebound.

Have you tried a juice fast? I have, and also although I lost weight, I restored it within 6 months. Significantly restricting calories can have reverse repercussions, your body assumes it remains in a scarcity, so it improves at doing a lot more with fewer calories

The fix: Relax as well as enjoy the trip. Lasting changes require persistence. Believe of your brand-new healthy and balanced consuming as a way of life as opposed to a diet regimen. Hang out planning, purchasing, and preparing a couple of dishes. Find dishes that reverberate with your preferences. Your changes will end up being component of a fulfilling means to consider food.

Change your way of thinking, as well as locate a much healthier path.

Stop throwing your money away on diet regimen books. Stop concentrating on exactly what you cannot do. Concentrate on exactly how you can approve yourself.

You can locate a healthy and balanced eating strategy that is palatable for the lengthy term. When you recognize your innermost wishes and also thoughts, as well as you could accept them, it's much easy making the best choices.

Listen to your instinct. Hear your personal voice.

It's waiting to be listened to so that you can be healthy and also happy.

Let's do this, shall we?

#christian meditation #meditation #meditation for anxiety #meditation quotes #meditation timer #yoga #yoga studio

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