#i need to get my dogs nails clipped but i gotta schedule that a whole fuckin month out

[ilguna]

istg if my scheduling manager tries to pull the “sorry but you have to work the week you’re going to be out of town” bullshit again, they’re in for a nasty fuckin treat

they did this to me last year in july and i told her that i will not show up. i will be on a plane at 5am, and there’s nothing they can do about it. and she got pissy w me, even tho they had MONTHS to figure this out

this request has been in since DECEMBER.

[pixiegrl]

Oooo okay this one is kinda niche so take you time but “I don’t care what anyone else thinks.” with mashton but make it magic

I really took my time filling this but! It’s finally done! Love a good magic AU but i think everyone knew that. Have some Michael as a fairy/Ashton as a werewolf/first meeting of the pack dynamics! Enjoy!

On ao3 at: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29008818

“What if they don’t like me?” Michael asks. He’s been biting his thumbnail, holding Ashton’s hand with his other. Michael’s nervous. He thought he would have gotten over his nerves for dating a werewolf considering he and Ashton have been dating for a month, but it seems that it’s not meant to be. Last week, Ashton had casually proposed the idea of Michael meeting his friends Calum and Luke for dinner. This idea would be less scary for Michael if it wasn’t for the fact that Calum and Luke are Ashton’s pack. Ever since Ashton relocated from Australia and his family pack in order to build his own life, Calum’s been Ashton’s best friend and pack mate. Luke’s a recent addition, Calum’s mermaid of a boyfriend, who Ashton’s only ever mentioned in passing. In fact, despite the fact that they’ve been dating a month, Michael has yet to meet Calum or Luke due to schedules. Even though Michael met Ashton at the pet store he and Calum own when he adopted Moose, his dog, Calum had the day off and he’s been working odd hours at the store since. Luke’s been busy helping spring brides pick out their dresses and Michael’s been busy with his own spring weddings and all the cakes that go into them on top of the usual bakery things. This is the first night in the whole month the four of them have been free enough to officially meet. Ashton had suggested a homemade dinner at the apartment the three of them share and Michael had agreed. He wants to meet Ashton’s pack mates. If he and Ashton are going to a long term relationship, it only makes sense that they should all meet. Michael wants them to like him and he wants to like them. 

Of course, that was a week ago and now Michael regrets agreeing. He’s been overthinking the whole thing ever since. Ashton’s pack isn’t going to like him. He’s a dumb fairy, with all his plants and his glitter everywhere and where there isn’t glitter, there’s flour from all his baking. Michael’s messy and loud and when he’s happy, he shines much too brightly. There’s no way Calum and Luke are going to like him. Luke’s a mermaid, cool salt air and effortless grace, and Calum’s a werewolf who owns a pet shop and gets to play with dogs all day. 

“There’s no need to be nervous Michael,” Ashton says, pulling Michael from the anxiety spiral that he’s going through on their walk.

“That’s easy for you to say. They’re your friends, they already like you.”

“They’re going to like you, Michael.”

“But what if they don’t? We’ll have to break up if your pack doesn’t like me.”

“I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I like you and that’s enough.”

“That’s such a load of shit. It’s your pack. You would be miserable if they didn’t like me.”

“Well, it’s a good thing they’re going to like you,” Ashton says, smiling as he presses a kiss to the back of Michael’s hand. Michael huffs, rolling his eyes, but blushing.

“Stop being reasonable,” he mumbles. Ashton laughs, face lighting up, dimple prominent on his cheek. Michael shoves his hand in his pocket, trying to stop himself for continuing to bite his nail. 

They make it to Ashton’s apartment without incident, opening the door to the smell of burning food and laughter. 

“Did you let Luke cook?” Ashton calls, laughing as he pulls Michael into the apartment. 

“I resent this line of questioning,” the tall blonde says, popping his head out of the kitchen to frown at Ashton. He’s terribly pretty, with curls and clear blue eyes, in the way only a mermaid can be, meaning he must be Luke. Michael would despair over his beauty if it wasn’t for the fact that Calum is clearly trying to fan the smoke of his failed cooking attempt away from the alarm. At least Michael can say he has one advantage over Luke.

“You have clearly set something on fire.”

“It could be Calum.”

“Please. Like Calum would attempt to cook,” Ashton says, rolling his eyes. Calum lets out a growl, Luke snickering under his breath.

“You left us in charge!”

“I left pasta to boil, sauce simmering, and I told you to heat up garlic bread. I left you the simplest instructions, which were to just watch them while I picked up Michael. How did you manage to start a fire?”

“Luke thought we should turn the oven heat up.”

“This is your fault for trusting us. You know better,” Luke says, pouting. Calum laughs again, coming over to press a kiss to Luke’s cheek in apology. Luke lights up immediately, turning to press a quick kiss to his boyfriend’s lips. Ashton coughs, pulling their attention back to him and eyes widening when they see Michael.

“Oh my god, hi! Hi! Sorry we’re, um...usually not like this,” Luke rushes out, trying to wipe his palms off on his pants, crossing the room, holding his hand out to Michael. Michael takes it tentatively, surprised when Luke pulls him into a hug. 

“Leave him alone Luke. Not everyone is as clingy as you,” Calum says, laughing as he comes up behind Luke, clapping Michael on the back, grinning. 

“Please. I was never as touchy till I met you wolves. Pack animals you are.”

“That’s a lie and you know it, cuddle bug,” Ashton teases. Michael feels something loosen in his chest, watching the way Luke dramatically huffs, the three of them clearly playing out an argument they’ve had before.

“Michael will agree with me. It was getting too dog in here anyway. Us non-wolves gotta stick together,” Luke says, winking at Michael, as he links arms with Michael. Michael blushes under Luke’s attention as he smiles, all dimples and laughing eyes.

“Hey! We’re wolves! You know this!”

“And you always call me fish, so!” Luke calls back, tugging Michael off towards the kitchen. He clips his hip on the doorway of the kitchen, blushing when he realizes Michael’s noticed. It eases some of the tension in Michael to know that even Luke’s as clumsy as he is. Luke turns to Michael, grinning once they’re in the kitchen, safe from any sharp edges or doorways. Michael finds himself at a loss for words, faced with the full force of Luke’s attention.

“Help me set up? We’ll let Ashton take care of the food before he starts smacking our hands. He can be such a “pack parent” sometimes,” Luke says, letting go of Michael to rummage around the kitchen, grab the plates and utensils. Michael takes the offered plates, letting Luke stack the forks and knives on top as he grabs glasses from the cabinets.

“You guys all seem pretty close.”

“Of course. Calum and I have been together for two years now. They practically adopted me into their pack within the second month of dating,” Luke says, leading them into the dining room area to set up the table. He can hear Ashton and Calum banging around in the kitchen, snarking at each other as they finish cooking.

“It’s never odd for you?”

“The closeness?” Luke asks, placing the glasses on the table and turning to Michael, taking the utensils from him.

“Yeah.”

“At first. I’m sure fairies are very similar to mermaids. We’re not very close outside of our immediate families and even then. I left my family pod when I was 18. Meeting Calum and seeing how close he and Ashton are, the idea of a pack and that family bond, was overwhelming at first. I almost broke up with Calum like four times in the first few months of dating because it was too much for me. All the expectations of a pack and the idea of what they wanted from me scared me. For so long, it was just the two of them. I was an added element that was unexpected.”

“What changed that?”

“We talked it out. Explained ourselves and realized that we liked each other enough to work past whatever awkwardness we were feeling. Open communication is the healthiest thing.”

“You should like my mum.”

“Well, she has good advice,” Luke says, leaning over to bop Michael on the nose. Michael scrunches his nose up, but smiles all the same in the face of Luke’s beaming smile. It’s hard to be unhappy in the face of Luke’s glow and shine. Luke keeps chatting with Michael, asking him about the weddings he’s working for, if brides are as annoying shopping for cakes as they are for dresses. It’s comfortable, easing Michael into a sense of security he’s not used to having around new people. It’s easy though, being around Luke, trading bridal stories with him until Ashton and Calum come into the dining room, carrying the pasta and what’s left of the garlic bread. They settle around the table, dishing out food. Calum asks about Moose, allowing Michael to launch into a story about the dog he’d adopted from their shop, getting to hear about Luke’s dog Petunia, who’s been sleeping in Calum’s and Luke’s room till they were sure about Michael meeting her, and the dog Calum’s semi-adopted from the store that he’s not allowed to bring home just yet. It feels like Michael’s always been here, just another part of their little pack, part of their family.

Eventually, they finish dinner and Ashton offers to walk Michael back to his apartment. Michael bids Luke and Calum good-bye, promising to make dinner a once a week occurrence for them. Ashton intertwines their fingers on the walk home, humming lightly under his breath along the way.

“So, what did you think?” Ashton asks, mock innocent.

“I liked them, but you already knew that.”

“I did.”

“Do you think they liked me?”

“Michael, they asked for this to become a regular thing. Luke asked if you could bring Moose by to meet Petunia. Calum wants you to bring dessert next time. I think they liked you.”

“Good. That’s good,” Michael says, nodding. Ashton laughs, stopping to pull Michael into a soft kiss. Michael returns the kiss happily, smiling into it. Ashton pulls back, resting their foreheads together.

“See? You had nothing to worry about. You’re practically pack already,” Ashton says. Michael smiles, trying to tamp down on the warmth he feels in his chest hearing the words. It’s too soon to be thinking about that, of being a permanent part of Ashton’s makeshift pack, of what it would be like to move in with Ashton, see them everyday, to be a part of a family. For now, Michael allows Ashton to hold his hand, walk him home, and to let himself think about the possibilities of things to come.

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

OKAY, I have a long weekend and I have GOALS, also I belatedly realized I really should have requested Monday off too so I could have a longer weekend buuuut too late now. I was planning to take the following Monday off anyway so I guess it doesn’t matter.

right, so, goals. let’s really try to keep them realistic?? and also not scold myself more for how many things are carried over from previous lists because that is UNHELPFUL.

do my FUCKING TAXES ugh

PAINT STUFF. PAINT A LOT. highest priority here is the Pride Cap shields for the two highest bidders in the Twitter auction, followed by the other two bidders, but I have at least one personal project that is honestly so close to being done and I’d really like to finish that, plus a handful of small props that could use a quick repaint

semi-related: do some mockups of other Pride Cap designs, which pretty much means like 20 minutes messing around in Paint, and add anything decent to my Etsy listings

also, reply to an Etsy message

TYPE STUFF. it’s Camp Nano again lol whoops, and writing in general isn’t my highest priority yet (although I also should do that), but once again I need to type some stuff from probably both notebooks so I can actually work on those fics

well, given that it’s Camp Nano, sitting down for even like...30 minutes and writing something would be good too

close some FUCKING TABS, it’s not as bad as it was but it’s still not great and I pretty much need to go through and either save or otherwise deal with everything

figure out some kind of schedule for leave over the summer--like, every other Monday, and/or a whole week or something

decide what to get in the Steam sale

reply to high-school classmate’s FB comment from...three weeks ago. uhhhhh. well. it’s...kind of important?

shit and I was gonna dump some Anti-Racism 101 pages on another FB friend even longer ago. I mean I guess I still could do that, just pick a handful of very basic links I found and give him those without much commentary, that shouldn’t take all that long

clip both critters’ nails

make an Amazon (or not Amazon, but that’s how I’d be figuring out what I want) order for dog stuff

leave voicemails for legislators (among other things, I gotta yell at Sen. Sullivan about this, because are you fucking serious)

I should...really, really contact state legislators and local officials. it doesn’t have to be long! it doesn’t have to be super well-researched!

massage of some kind, use the massage chair at Planet Fitness (I’m deffo not comfortable working out there, but I think the massage chairs are okay) or try something at home

try to pull off a big GI Joe figure’s hands to see if they can work with Hot Toys, and/or see if I can actually cannibalize this other figure to use with Thor’s head

contact insurance about an upcoming appointment

actually play something with @erlkonigstochter

I have a bunch of jeans I’d like to patch and I probably don’t need to work on that just yet, but it would be good if I made time to patch this other pair of pants, because it’s one of my very few non-jeans options

things that can wait, probably:

at some point I need to actually read some of the more in-depth anti-racism resources I found

still need to finish my will, but trying to do that AND taxes in the same weekend sounds...not great

finish that stupid thread about free games because, again, it’s gonna bug me if I never do it

still want to work on finding another body for Hot Toys Thor, it’s getting hot and it’s real sad that he and Loki can’t be more casual at the same time (well, and the body I have isn’t great for him anyway)...and I still want to work on a female 1/6 Loki

I still want to try making a mask myself

there are so, so many other politics-related things I could be doing, like texting voters, or writing letters/postcards to voters, or...idk other stuff, I’m sure...but I AM TRYING TO FOCUS

my room continues to be a disaster, but see above

[asterinjapan]

Karatsu explored

Hello again!

Seems like I can't stay away from the sea for long, because today i visited another coastal town. Lesser known than Kagoshima, but beautiful in its own right: follow me under the link for my day trip to Karatsu!

Okay, so I readily confess that Karatsu only recently caught my attention, due to it being used as the setting for a series I like. I looked into it and found that the town is mostly known for pottery and the Karatsu Kunchi festival in November, but it also has a castle and a beautiful pine forest, so i was convinced to check it out.

I took the subway to Meinohama, checked out for my JR line transfer, aaaand found out I had to go back through those same gates, haha. In my defense, I had to check out here, because otherwise I would have been charged the full ride until Karatsu, and I didn't get myself a JR pass for nothing!

The train brought me to Karatsu station - me and like, 5 other people, this was a really calm ride. But the views, oh! The weather continues to be clear and sunny today, and with the tracks to Karatsu leading all but through the bay, the sea views alone were worth the trip. I tried taking pictures, though well, good luck with that in a moving train, pff, so i just sat back and enjoyed.

Once in Karatsu, I checked out the maps, only to be handed like 5 folders with maps and coupons and what not. They were really helpful here at the tourist office; if you just come here without plans, they'll help you plan down to the detail, I'm sure.

But well, if you know me a little, you'll know I already had a plan, haha. First, the castle! It was a 20 minute walk from the station, and since this one wasn't on a hilltop like Nakagusuku, I had quite the relaxing if slightly warm stroll. The city looks lovely underneath the blue skies, and soon enough, I'd arrived at the castle.

They offer an elevator ride for 100 yen up to the top, but I was like "yeah, whatever, I did Nakagusuku the hard way too" and refused. To be fair, the staircase wasn't super long, but it was super uneven and I had a hard time keeping my balance from time to time. I didn't fall or anything, but I can see why the elevator is an option even if you're able bodied, yikes.

But the climb was rewarding with beautiful views across the bay, the pine forest and a lovely seating area that should look amazing in spring, as it's overgrown with wisterias.

Into the castle I went! It had five floors in total, with the second and third floor repurposed as a museum (this castle is a 1960s replica of the original, and they very recently renovated it). It was very informative, covering the history of the castle and the area with a lot of details, although all in Japanese, so I confess I skimmed a lot and read the ones that peaked my interest. That's how I learnt there was allegedly a demon (yokai) in the moat at some point, haha, and that the castle was also known as Maizuru castle, or "dancing crane". Understandable: the castle is white with dark roofs and a dash of red in the beams of the balcony, so it looks the part. I also learnt that the mascot of the city is a dog called Karawan, with wan being short for, uh, dog (well, "woof", so an informal word for dog). He featured in the video giving more explanations, as a person in a full on body suit, but he only barked and everything was subtitled, haha.

Eventually I made it to the top floor, where you can enter the balcony and enjoy the sea breeze and wonderful sights. I could see the islands in the bay very clearly as well as the Niji no Matsubara pine forest: niji means rainbow, and from this high up, it obviously had that shape. Oh, and I saw a hawk (? eagle?) up close! He kept flying above the castle grounds, so i sort of caught him on camera, haha.

So that was lovely, and I was already happy with my day trip. Next, I continued just a bit further to cross the Maizuru bridge, to take a picture of the castle from that side with the bridge in frame. There was a charming Japanese style cafe nearby, so I hopped in for some matcha latte and a traditional sweet. They were very kind here, offering me both menus, but i opted for Japanese (hard mode: it had no pictures) and they kept talking full Japanese, no English thrown in. Don't get me wrong, it's super considerate how often people try to talk to me in English, but I notice that my Japanese just instantly improves once I just hear the language without interfering language. That's not a criticism but an observation, haha. I mean, I wrote my thesis on the class Japanese as Second Language! Gotta use it sometimes.

The tea and sweet were great, and upon checking out, the sweet lady had a talk with me about where I was from and where i was going. I was so proud, I managed to uphold a whole conversation without a single English word on either side! Whelp, my standards sure have lowered. Ah well.

I walked all the way back to the station next, but with a slight detour this time via Karatsu shrine. Across the street is the Hikiyama exhibition hall, where all 14 floats of the kunchi festival are on display. I decided to visit this, and wow! These floats are big, impressive and gorgeously detailed. Surprisingly, all information was translated into English, barring the video on display, but that one mostly showed the history of the festival that was written elsewhere and showed the festival in full swing. The festival lasts for 3 days in November and celebrates harvest, and UNESCO has declared it an "Important Intangible Folk Cultural Property". It's been held for centuries, and the current floats were created in the 19th century! They look very impressive on display, and i was actually kind of regretting not going in November, haha. Definitely one for the list.

The souvenir shop offered miniatures of the floats, so i got the carp and the fish lion (shachi) for myself. After that, I moved across the street to check out the shrine, which organises the event. The shrine itself isn't massive, but people make works of art here on the wooden prayer plaques (ema), so it was fun looking around here. I left through a different gate, the main entrance, which is massive and startlingly white, a beautiful contrast to the blue skies.

At the station, I had another break with a matcha shake (I drink and eat green tea EVERYTHING), and then took the train back - although I got out at Niji no Matsubara station first to check out the pine trees.

To be fair, it looked lovely, but the forest trails were full of HUGE spiders, and I'm so very much not a fan of spiders, haha, so I trailed the road for a bit until I decided it had been a good day already, no need to give myself jump scares this early before Halloween.

I did do one more thing, namely checking out a hot spring resort featured in that series I like.  It was a short visit, but they were lovely there and the route had a gorgeous view on Kagamiyama, a mountain with an observatory on top. I'd have checked it out if it was less than the 5 km uphill they listed, and if the castle hadn't already provided lovely views, haha.

And with that, my day trip ended, but not before I sent myself on a wild goose chase in Fukuoka trying to find a clearfile (half succeeded) and a nail clipper (succeeded, it clips like a dream! The stories are true, Japanese made nail clippers are something else, haha).

I'm now back at the hotel, very happy that i insisted on this trip. Of course I didn't schedule day trips i thought I'd hate, but I hadn't expected to be so charmed by Karatsu either. The weather probably helped, but still, what a lovely surprise!

I'm currently a bit jittery though, as the typhoon that's incoming is something else. I'm not sure if it's safe to go out very far tomorrow, so I'll wake up early and decide then. I'm not planning anything for the weekend right now. The typhoon is expected to hit middle and east  Japan and I'm in the west/south, but it's so massive, odds are the entire country is going to be affected. Trains are likely being cancelled at least by the east train companies, so for now, I'm just hoping my trip to the Okayama hotel on Monday is still on. I'm glad I already reserved a seat though, I can tell you that much.

I honestly have no idea what's next. Shikoku, the island I was planning to explore from Okayama, might get hit and become inaccessible, and it's still a major question what it's gonna do overall, including Tokyo. It's about 3 times as big as Faxai, the typhoon that hit Tokyo in September and from which the area is still recovering.

For now, I'm glad I'm on Kyushu, and I'll have to see what's safe to do tomorrow. Current forecasts seem to show Kyushu miiiight just get off easily tomorrow, but that’s a big if. If all else fails, there are several karaoke joints down the street. Of course I'd rather explore more, but safety before anything else.

Maybe taking it easy for a day or two isn't that bad at all, considering how busy I've already been, but I'd have preferred a less extreme incentive... Well, nothing I can do about it, so I'll just make the best of it and hope the country comes out relatively unharmed.

See you tomorrow!

[cosmosogler]

hey, you know what’s really fun, but also essentially impossible? doing things after a dog barks directly into your ear hole before sunrise the third morning in a row!!!

this time it was really cool because i had taken the dogs out around 12:30 right before i went to bed so that cleo would not feel motivated to wake me up BEFORE 5 AM again. but later in the morning i found out that she actually just barked at my mom and dad to let her out literally every single hour between 12 and 5. and then when they kicked her out of their room to try and sleep a little bit she came back up to my room and jumped on my face and barked in my ear. so i kicked all the dogs out and she RATTLED MY DOOR AND HOWLED AGAIN ALLLLLLLLLLLLL MORNING!!! also she managed to soil two spots on the carpet near the stairs somehow, despite it only being less than four hours between trips outside. 

so i gave up trying to sleep before my alarm went off at 9. then i fed the dogs and let them outside and cleaned up the poop. then i went back in my room and internally cried for a good 15 minutes before i finally got in the shower. i was almost too tired to, but i did shave my legs and clip my nails and wash my hair and brush all of my teeth. i wanted so badly to go back to sleep but by then it was after 10 and i am trying not to take naps because i don’t like having obnoxious nightmares and also it messes up my sleep schedule.

i must have done things in the morning but i don’t really remember... i watched some youtube videos. i will stop eventually... 

i was really too tired to even think about dealing with anyone today so i didn’t look up local activities to try. poor wiley was hot and tired even indoors. 

i had my thai leftovers for lunch and caught on fire. someday i will learn. i think it burned so much it just made me completely forget about my usual stomach pain and nausea. after that i got out some dry dust wipes and cleaned out half the window blinds and the little tables by the couches. tomorrow i will do the other half. 

my head really hurts... i spent a while today going through some steam recommendations in preparation for the summer steam sale. i figure, the more games i find that i’d like, the more likely it will be that at least one of them will become affordable with my budget during the sale.

mom said we could go out for ice cream/frozen yogurt after dinner since my brother and i had done our chores almost every day the whole week. then she forgot! she agreed to do it tomorrow, but i don’t really believe her. maybe i will just kidnap my brother and drive us over to the frozen yogurt place.

ummm i don’t recall a lot between that and dinner. oh, i stole the bag of hershey’s chocolate and ate a few and then returned it saying “i desire no more chocolate.” 

and i had to sort through a bunch of old books looking for ones i wanted to keep. i found some pretty interesting ones! and i wanted to save my dream analysis book because i like it and should probably take another look at it. but i found some really REALLY dumb books my parents have bought over the years. “how to choose the sex of your baby!!!” the dreaded Puberty Book and A Whole Bunch Of Life/Relationship/Woman Advice From White Dudes I Dont Care About. also apparently we had like five variations of the chicken soup for the soul books but i only ever recall reading one. there was a story about a kid that died from like cancer (i think she wasn’t christian? it was chicken soup for the christian teenage soul so the narrator probably said she went to hell) and i cried really hard when i read it and didn’t pick up the books ever again after that. 

so i don’t know why there were five of them.

hahaha mom had over a dozen books on management efficiency that looked like she had gotten them when she was studying to be an accountant. and dad’s zillion books on history (mostly us history). he actually, like, had books that weren’t written by white dudes sometimes? so i don’t know how he turned out so racist. 

mom made spaghetti for dinner. it was fine. i buried it under a mountain of parmesan cheese. while we were eating mom mentioned we would be in hawaii for an extra three days after the rest of the family left. i just about dropped my head into the tomato sauce. but then i heard we would be hanging with my late aunt joyce’s daughter and her family! 

my brother asked who she was and mom said “oh, you know, my cousin. you’ve met her before.” and my brother said “ok who is she” and mom said “i could say something that will make you remember” and my brother said “ok who is she” and mom said “the one with the girlfriend.”

my brother made a disgusted face. “oh. why are we spending time with her.”

when he saw me he said “i don’t have a problem with stuff like that, i just find it strange.” 

and mom said “it’s very strange.” 

and i said “YOU’RE strange.” 

“everyone is strange,” my brother agreed. “but that’s really strange.”

“your hair is strange,” i interrupted.

dad made some asinine comment about how i tolerate any opinion. i said “no” and my brother was about to say something but i cut him off. “you’re sixteen, i don’t respect your opinion.” he thought that was pretty funny so that got us off the topic and instead arguing about how much of an old fart i am.

later when i was back upstairs i sent a message to asher. “fortunately, this has not changed my coming-out plans of ‘never.’”

when the sun went down i took wiley over to the mailbox. it was still too hot though and he didn’t even protest that much when we went back inside like 6 minutes later.

then i spent the evening watching a bunch of youtube videos! i finished the queue i had lined up instead of coloring the owls. probably gonna do that in the morning. i will pencil it into my schedule as a suggestion. i ran out of time tonight because i saw that folding ideas had finally uploaded another video. 

oh, and marisol came and picked up her dogs. she apologized for cleo being such a butt and i helped her load them and their supplies into the car. i think she had planned on paying me? but it didn’t feel right pressing about it while she was exhausted. and i don’t remember if she actually offered to pay me or what i might have said about not worrying about it. i do need the money... but it would be awkward to ask. wouldn’t it? but i can’t wait like a whole week. maybe i should talk about that with my therapist tomorrow.

because, like, i don’t really mind watching her dogs? but it was a huge time and energy investment for me and it did prevent me from working on/thinking about a bunch of stuff for therapy because i was so god dang tired. and it would feel weird at this point to do such a huge favor for literally nothing. yet again!!! 

i don’t even really feel greedy about it? at this point i recognize that letting people thank me for doing things, or letting them chip in for gas if i’m driving us somewhere or whatever, actually is more helpful to everyone than insisting on shouldering the whole cost. because it helps your guests feel less awkward and it does really relieve some of that pressure on the favor-doer. like, usually my friends (real friends at least) like to help out as much as i do! and i always feel kind of put out and nervous when they don’t let me help, like maybe they will call on the incident later in a bad light or that they are burning themselves out. so i don’t put them in that situation, just by accepting their offers.

but if they don’t make the offer and i still ask for compensation am i an asshole at that point? or is that an assertive thing to do?

i am going to call it a night just a little bit early tonight... i want that extra twenty minutes of potential sleep. or at least laying quietly in the dark not hearing any loud annoying noises. eve’s snoring is ok. she is not loud and annoying.

oh, one more thing. today i unfriended a couple people on facebook. i also found a few of my recent classmates and added them instead. i unfriended a couple villanova classmates that regularly tag craig in their posts... sometimes along with me. THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!

since by “not taking a side” at the time and essentially ignoring me when i started becoming a suicidal recluse as i realized no one liked me (at least, liked me more than they liked craig), i decided to circumvent the whole awkward conversation and just unfriend them instead of asking them to tag either me or craig, but not both, in their posts. because they’re just gonna tag craig anyway and just phase me out of their social media even more. 

because you know what? i don’t care about them either. i’m not interested in salvaging my friendship with people i haven’t seen in years and weren’t even really all that nice to me when i was in classes with them. 

sometimes you just gotta bail. and that’s ok. i’ve done it before many times. there isn’t really any point in hanging out with people who value their friendships with predators more than they value the safety of their other friends. my social circle is smaller, but the lack of actual predatory men who have actually violated other people (sometimes, but not always, me) is worth it.

i feel like that’s something i am having trouble getting my therapist to understand. and every time i try to bring up examples to show the rationale behind my decisions and habits, she tells me i’m living in the past and need to let it go. 

ok, yeah, i should probably let it go sometimes. and also, not just live moment to moment without considering how people have acted in the past when making decisions in the present! because that’s what learning is!!!

i can’t figure out a good note to end this on. when i think i’ve come to a conclusion i find that i have more words to spew out on the page. so i will go to bed now. i hope you are doing ok.