#i need to get back into drawing and this sounds funnn

[legendspeaker]

haii,,, ill take some requests :eyes:

if ur a moot ill draw ur guys, otherwise gimme some fun ones from cotl <3

I added Angelology III to my collection of color palettes. Feel free to use these colors, and tag me if you'd like.

[c2-eh]

I just had a charlos thought (prompt maybe??) Charles writing things about Carlos in his note book, and then losing said notebook which results in a mini breakdown because he HAS to find it before anyone reads it and he’s freaking out but he can’t tell anyone why he’s freaking out either, everyone’s searching for the note book which causes him more stress, Carlos ends up finding it but doesn’t read it but Charles thinks he has

oh god this has been in my inbox for A YEAR and i randomly found it now... idek if you still follow me anon or if you even care about charlos (you should they are fruity and in love!), but i come with 2k as compensation <3 it was funnn to write this! enjoyyyy luvs! <3

Charles is freaking out. Rightfully, if he were to say so himself, as he just lost a very important thing in his life.

The whole garage of his is up and on their feet, trying their best to find an A4 blue notebook that is filled with details about Charles’ life – mostly racing, because Charles’ life is racing, racing and racing again, so it made sense to do that.

And well, that’s what he told everyone. Acted like the said notebook only holds the racing knowledge like data, strategies, technical stuff, Charles’ feelings about the car, possible improvements and such things. It is half true, however, not the full truth. Not in the slightest.

No one knows why he is freaking out so much. Only Andrea. And Joris. And Antoine. Because Charles can’t keep his fucking mouth shut about anything, ever.

The tell-tale rapid breathing of his was a hint Charles should calm down and not overthink this, but the fact he couldn’t reveal why the search was so urgent, made him lose a bit of sanity each time someone approached him a question about why it was so important.

Racing is important, was be his answer, but no one actually believed him, because everyone knows Charles holds all the information in his mind. The notebook is just a help. A boost if you may. He lives and breathes racing and he would think back to the imperfections (or the perfections, but there’s not many currently) on the whim.

Charles was surprised and wondered why no one seemed to be disturbed by the fact he insisted and nearly shouted at everyone that if they were to find the notebook, they could never ever open it, no matter what. He could blame it on wanting a privacy, but why would you need that big of a privacy from your team, if the things in the notebook were about the data the said team has?

“Nothing?” Charles asked in dejected voice after around 2 and half hours of searching. One look at his mechanics’ faces and he did not really need a vocal answer. He sighed and thanked everyone for their effort, sending them off in the process, retracting to his room with his head hung low.

It’s not like Charles was drawing his and Carlos’ initials in hearts into the notebook, no, but there were some things that would easily reveal his true feelings towards his teammate and he couldn’t allow it.

He wouldn’t be able to swallow down the rejection – Carlos’ big brown eyes so apologetic, feeling sorry for him and just because Carlos is such a good guy, he would try to force himself to like Charles just to make him happy.

Only if that was actually possible, Charles thinks and scoffs, the sound echoing around the hall.

Charles loves Carlos. It took him a long time to come into terms with it and it was honestly a big messy battle within him – one of his heart and brain and probably dick too – which in the end his heart won, no matter how much his brain tried (did it?) to resist the feelings.

Charles returned back to his driver’s room, his mood still sulky. He was slowly losing hope, but at the same time gaining it, because if his notebook got lost somewhere no one could find, then it meant Carlos couldn't either. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking, but Charles’ brain was determined to convince him that was the case (or maybe it was Charles himself trying so hard to not get his feeling revealed to avoid the hurting).

---

Back in his hotel room, Charles still feels a bit down and paranoid, but it quickly disappears once he settles deep into his bath. Hot water sooths his muscles and he sighs – for the hundredth time today.

The rest of his evening routine passes by quickly and just as he’s about to climb into his bed, his face moisturized and hair washed, someone knocks on his door.

It’s Carlos. Looking better than ever.

Charles’ breath hitches when he opens the door, but he plays it off with a cough. He curses himself for not checking who it was before. His teammate looks sheepish, shy even, with how he’s looking at Charles with his big brown eyes. However, once Charles sees what Carlos is holding in his hand, he is done studying Carlos’ handsome face. His breath quickens and suddenly he feels like suffocating.

“What is that,” he says, voice flat. His eyes are zeroed on the A4 blue notebook filled with his handwriting talking about Carlos, his hands, hair, nose, eyes, and… Fuck.

How fucking stupid was he to write it into his work notebook? Charles needs to not be close to that thing during boring meetings ever again.

“Wow, I at least expected a simple ‘hello’,” Carlos chuckles and Charles can’t even appreciate the sound now. He only frowns and misses the way Carlos’ face drops.

“Carlos,” he warns firmly and then, without thinking, snatches the notebook from his hand, not caring it’s rude, nor that he still did not invite Carlos into his room. He immediately checks it, listing through the pages to make sure everything is intact.

Once he is sure, he takes a deep breath and turns back towards Carlos that is now standing in the middle of his room, the door behind him closed shut.

Carlos is looking at him – studying him, his expression scrutinizing – as if Charles turned into alien or something. His brows are slightly furrowed and his full pink lips are downturned. Oh no.

“Care to explain what the fuck was that?” Carlos asks, crossing his arms on his chest. And Charles is not the God’s strongest soldier. His eyes fly over Carlos’ whole body, eyes stopping on his bulging biceps, before he snaps out of it.

Out of nowhere, Charles’ blood starts to boil. Why is this man acting like Charles is stupid?

“Oh don’t act innocent, I know you did it,” Charles scoffs and clutches the notebook close to his chest. He’s never ever leaving it out there in the open.

Carlos looks confused and Charles is momentary startled. He shakes his head. No, he definitely did, he wouldn’t look so guilty other way.

“I am truly confused, Charles. Can you please talk to me and explain what’s going on?” oh and if Charles does not hate when Carlos is calm and rational, all while Charles is losing his mind.

He rolls his eyes – over exaggerating it.

“I know you read it. The notebook,” he says, his tone harsh, "everyone would, because that’s who we are. It is in our nature to be curious and do something we would perhaps regret later, but also never admit to. You read my notebook. Or maybe even took a peak.”

Charles chances a glance at Carlos and he doesn’t look confused anymore, no. More like a little hurt, but also amused, which Charles thinks is the worst combination ever. Partly because how the fuck is it possible to have 2 contradicting emotions battling on your face, but mostly because what is Carlos hurt for?

“The curiosity got the best of you, yeah yeah, do not even apologise, I know it all. We’ve all been there,” Charles waves his hand, but he can feel his throat tightening and he mentally curses himself.

“I didn’t-“ Carlos starts, but then shuts his mouth and waits. Charles finds it weird. Guess he gave up on the excuses.

Charles sighs, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat, but to no avail, “just leave it. I know you don’t love me back, so there is no need to feel bad for me. God knows I am fed up with that sentiment,” he says and throws the notebook on his bed, turning away from Carlos, “can you just forget it and go now?”

It’s quiet, eerily. Charles is not sure if it has been minutes or hours, nor if Carlos is still there.

“Charles,” Carlos’ voice suddenly sounds way closer than before, “Charles,” he repeats, firmer now and he has no choice, but to turn to face his teammate.

Looking up into those eyes should come with a warning.

“I did not read your notebook. I really didn’t. I found it under the counter where you keep your helmets, when I was tying my shoes. I did not give it to you, because you were not in the garage, so I took it into my room. I wanted to give it to you in person, in case someone would be a jerk enough to read someone’s personal stuff,” Carlos says, emphasising the last part of the sentence.

Great, it’s safe to say Charles feels like shit now.

“Oh,” he says, averting his eyes, “so you really didn’t read it,” it’s phrased like a declarative sentence, not a question.

Carlos shakes his head still, which Charles can only see from his peripheral vision.  He feels like dying because… because he just confessed without a need to do so. He's so stupid.

Big warm hands land on Charles’ cheeks and he has no choice, but to look back on Carlos’ handsome face, “can you tell me more about the love you mentioned?”

“No,” Charles whines automatically and Carlos has a nerve to chuckle. Charles’ head thunks against Carlos’ shoulder and he immediately feels Carlos’ hand in his hair.

“It’s okay,” Carlos whispers and Charles feels like crying, because here it is. The pity, the rejection he was so afraid of- “I love you too.”

Charles giggles and nuzzles his nose into Carlos’ neck. He stays there, breathing in Carlos’ scent when he suddenly realizes what the fuck he just said.

“What?” he abruptly moves away, almost shouting.

Carlos looks smug, with the slight smirk playing on his lips, but his eyes look soft. So soft and earnest Charles feels like his knees will give out from under him. It is all it takes to believe him, because he knows Carlos. He knows Carlos shows emotions through his eyes more than anyone else, because he’s seen it so many times it is integrated in his brain.

“You heard me,” he says and his smiles transforms from smug to soft and Charles launches.

Their lips crash and Charles puts every drop of his willpower into keeping himself on the ground and not climbing Carlos like a tree.

Kissing Carlos does not feel like anything he’s dreamed of, because nothing of sorts can compare to the real thing. Carlos starts slow, with careful closed mouth kisses that after a while start to frustrate Charles. He whines, to voice out his displeasure.

Carlos gets the memo and finally starts kissing him and Charles finds himself on cloud nine. He’s turned breathless as Carlos goes from slow, to vigorous open mouthed kisses, his tongue prodding at Charles’ lips to let him in. Charles moans, loudly, into Carlos’ mouth, sending a message of how much he’s loving it.

The tips of Carlos’ fingers run down Charles’ spine and a whimper falls from Charles’ mouth once Carlos grabs his ass, squeezing it. The action brings Charles closer. So close he can feel the outline of Carlos’ dick against his hip.

“Carlos,” he whimpers, his own hard dick rubbing against Carlos, “I need you.”

“Let’s take this to the bed, cariño,” Carlos breathes out, guiding Charles there before he was even done speaking.

Later, when they are lying in his bed, Charles’ head pillowed on Carlos’ shoulder, does Charles finally feel fully relaxed. Looking up at Carlos’ freckled face, his strong nose and big plump lips brings a strange sense of happiness and comfort to Charles.

(What doesn’t bring comfort, is the drying cum on his ass and thighs, but he is content enough to ignore it and stay in Carlos’ arms. For now).

“Why did you look so guilty on my doorstep?” Charles asks, not able to help himself. He needs to know, because the only explanation his brain could come up with back then was ‘Carlos is guilty’, which apparently was not true.

Carlos sighs, his fingertips slowing down their tracing on Charles’ back, “I know you were looking for your journal. Ricky messaged me.”

Charles is confused, “and?”

Charles giggles, the sound coming out of his mouth freely. Carlos kisses his forehead and Charles brings his hand up to Carlos’ jaw to caress it. He kisses his nose in return, then cheek and then finally his mouth.

“I could have given it to you back then or send it through someone. I was not back here yet,” he pauses and Charles says nothing. Leaving him space to continue whenever he wants, “but I was selfish. I wanted to give it back to you in private. I don’t really know why, “he resumes his stroking, his voice getting quieter, “perhaps I wanted an excuse to be with you alone.”

“I’m glad you did.”

[missamyrisa2]

i love the teases so much miss amy. I was wondering if you could do a tease for a goth girl who never smiles being broken by her devastatingly ticklish hips? This couldn't be me ofc I dont smile my face muscles don't do that...

Ooooohhh making stubborn gothyyyy girls break is like one of my specialties~<33 Awww but you're not gonna melttttt nooooo you'll stay a tough cookie won't youuu~ do you likeeee my outfit huhhh? Allll this swisshyyyy soft pinkkk in my dresss mmmh? Oooh sorryy darling my pigtails seem to be loving your cute scowlyyyy face~ whyyy yess I dooo have to be riiiight hereee how else can I say alll those funnn things like cooochie cooooo~ in your ears~

My my myyy such a feistyyyy dark tiger huhhhh? Why it's soooo good that you're strapped down with those lovelyyyyy dainty lacey cuffs hmmm? With the little heart charmssss? Yeahhh did you see those? Little hearts on your wrists and ankles? Sooo cuteeee huh ~ not like alll that black and spikes and studs and stuff~ you need more cutesss yes you doooo ~ and I betttt you have a cute girlish little giggle dontcha? Uhhuhhh~ let's just seeee thenn~ where are you most ticklish? Nooope noooope you can't escape thissss darling~

Ahh yes you are ticklish, of course you are~ allll that tough girl act is just that huhhh because you're ticklish. Yes, because you're ticklish and I'm the ticklemama who is gonna find that spotttt~ is itttt maybeeee these cute pittiesss? My fingers walking walking up your armpitsss~ Oooh maybeee maybee~ ribbiesss? Mmmh? Ribbbiessss tickle tickles down your ribssss~ ahhh did we try the earssss? Yeahhh My flufffy fluffyyy feather on your eeeearsss? Oooh let's check your neck darling ~ yessss little lip brushiessss on your cute blushing neck~ Can't get away from your Amy ticklesss~

mmmM those are some tickle spotss mmhmmm ~ but ooh I seeee how you wriggled when I was moving down ~ don't try to hiiiide it my dark lil angel ~ I know the angle to work on youuu mhmmm~ is itttt the belllyyyyy yeahhh? Noooo? Little thumb rubbiessss on your siiiiidessss ooh yesss going up and downnnn~ is that hotterrrr? Colderrr? Definitely definitely hotter cutie pieeee I seeee those lip quiversss ~ you're ticklisshhh you are suchhh a ticklish cute girlllyyy girl under alll that ~ that goooothinessss mmhmm ~

Oooh grumpy grumpy girl~ are we getting closer? I think we aaaareee~I seeeee how your legs are trembling my lil sugarloafff~ I see those armssss wigglinggg~ and most of allll your cheeks are getting sooooo apple-yyyy~ yessss my apple pie my giggle strumpettttt~ oooh my my myyyyy~ was that a spotttt? I think it wassss~ but oooh Amy's not gonna go right in thereee Amy's gonna take her time mmhmmm~ we're gonna get out myyy looong white feather and draw it downnnn over this twitchyyyy navel and back and foooorth and baaack and forth over your waistttt yeahhh~

Tickle tickle tickleeee~ oooh does it just gitchie gitchie goooo? Am I gonna widda widda woooo youuuu? What's a matterrr you don't like my squeeeakyy silly voice? Such a fierce Valkyrie huhhh brought to allll those strugglyyyy gaspyyyy soundsss from my little ticklesss~ big badddd lady warrior has a cuuuute teeeny girly giggle yeahhhh ~ It's just a feather my cute sugardrop~ justttt a feather going back and forth on this lovelyyyy waist sugar and you're just going crazyyyy ~ tough girl huhhh?

Tell me all about your ticklishness thennn~ let's hear ittt~ when did you get tickled real baddd ~ tell me your story gothyyy giggly girl ~ tell me a goood one so I can tickle you all the way throughhh ~ yessss these are my thumbssss and we're gonna get acquainted with these buckyyyy buttonnsss~ mmmH tell me moreeee my tough tough cookie while I rubbbb these hippiesss~

Whyyy you're not a goth girl at all are youuu? Goth girls don't make sounds like thatttt ~ you're a hippie girllll with ticklish hiiiipsss mmhmm ticklish hipsss ~ that's riiight! Coochie cooooos on these hipsss and I'm gonna rub them with my lil circling thumb rubsssss yes I ammm ~ just a niiiice hipppyy massage for my hippy girl~ not sooo toughhhh not so toughhh~ Oooh sooo feisty fierce huhhh ~ it's adorableee when you try to act sooo strong and tough while you squeak and squirm like thattt~ writhe for meee my cute wiggly girl that's ittt mmhmm Amy likes to make you squiiiiirm~

Now hold stillll my ticklish dollll~ it's time for your hip kissssiesss~ yesss that's riiight ~ mmuuuahhhh sloooowww lip brushiesss on your darling girly hip buttonssss~ and then a muuuuahhhh so you can feel itttt so gentlyyyy~ awww there's a cuuuutee pink lip print there for youuu~ does it feeeel so tinglyyyy? My little tickle print on your giggle button down hereee?

Heyyy what's that thing your face is doing? That's not a laugh is it? Nooo wayyy that's not an expression of unfettered joyyy nooo~ you're wayyyyy toooo meannn and strong and powerful to show that kind of reaction ~ must be a glitch huhhh? Am I making you glitch? Do my nails skittering your hipsssss and your hip dips make you glitch outttt cutieeee? Yesss faster and fasterrrr my nails gooooo gettting those gorgeousssss buttons and your lovelyyy curvessss~ Glitchy glitchy goooooo~!! Laugh it upppp my broken goth princesssss~

We're nott doooneee noooo ~ now that we knowww you're a ticklish sillyyyy girl let's explore a bit of thatttt shall weeee? Seeee the thing about a tickle butttton like your hipppyy hip is that I can rubbb rubb tickle tickle with this handddd and then my other handdd yesss my other hand with my wigglyyy fingers can go around and seee how much you react to those tickles while having your giggle button pushed~

Maybe it's your siiiiidesss? Mhmm tickle tickle hereee and then skittery trailing nails on your thiiiighsss~ nooo the hip tickles aren't stoppping noopeee~ and let's seee how you dooo with tickles behind your kneeeesss~ mmhm and yeahhh I did pick up a blushyyy brush to tease that hip nowww~ girlyyy girly makeup brushhh just for your hip and hip dipppp mhmmm~ and yesss it's time for belly kisssiesss! I'm gonna raaspberry youuu yes I ammm~

And you know what would be even better than your girlish squeaking giggles my goth cutieee? Call meee ticklemama~ come on nowww ~ call me ticklemama through your gigglyyy gaspsss~ callll me your ticklemama~ I'll keep raspberrying until youuu doooo~ and my lips are coming for those hiipsss toooo~ bzzzztttt~ on your belllyyy and bzzzt down your waiiistttt and bzzzt to your hipppp~

My darlingggg are you alllll tickled outttt? Are you sooo thoroughly cookie crumbled my gothyyyy girllyyy girl~ I think it's time for snuggliessss~ Yeahhhh you can just enjoyyyy this soft cute pink fabric on your wigglyyyy bodyyyy while I cuddle up and trace your hip with this loooong fluffffy tickle dusterrr and cooooo in your ear~ mmmhmmm ~ you can squirm and struggle allll you like cutie pieee it's not stooopping nooo~ we're gonna get alllll those lovely giggliessss out of youuuu and you willl call me your ticklemama~<33

[idkyourleastfavoriteartist]

HAPPY (late) NEW YEAR🎉

Okk sooo I know it's not tdp related but we don't need to mention it 🤫🤫🤫

Also the Art software used are ibis paint and photoshop which I changing too so most (practically all art) will be done in photoshop instead :)

Also if you don't like reading just skip this because it's alot..... (sorry for any grammar and spelling mistakes these are not planned)

Also idk how to draw anymore (jk) like my art style has been changing too muchhh (also not all of the art pieces are done illustrations some are just sketches) if you prefer a certain art style then tell me if you want.

Anywaysss these are characters (most of the drawings are the main characters but two of them side characters but the thing is that the dream idea is for it to be a game so you choose more on who you would talk to. (PLEASE DON'T TAKE THAT LITERALLY I'M NOT MAKING A GAME IT'S A FUN IDEA BUT I'LL JUST GONNA LEAVE IT AS A TUMBLR THINGY I RARELY POST ABOUT). The og name was cringe so it's changed to forgotten chamber. I don't post about my own stuff because I'm lazy + I'm not a writer so I don't believe it's good enough to post about 😭😭😭 but it's funnn so maybe I will post about more idkkk.

Main plot and some world buliding, extra info(this can change and there are some smaller side plots that are not gonna get mentioned because that's way to long).

Basically the key info before knowing the the main plot is that humans have taken over everything even other planets and universe where different species (humans call them monsters) happily used to live and they took their resources to make earth more powerful and advanced. They killed old generations and enslaved younger ones for military or hard labour. That was until the great rebellion where some monsters tried to fight back but failed so all monsters were sent to a very small pocket dimension as punishment. Our main character is the human girl with space buns (her name's Anita). Her father is in charge of the keys to said pocket dimension (it's a one way portal where the portal is split into two one to go in and one to go out he made it like that so if there was even a chance of one escaping which due to the old magic used on it being near impossible to learn how to break since it's the same portal it's uses the same key) it also give him and his crew (which are just guards he has power over) would in theory have more time to kill them if escaped. Anita she from royalty despite that she's very playful and acts like a normal annoying (jk she's lovely just a bit sassy and stupid) kid. Her father and mother is gone for a meeting and he never let's her go under the castle but curiousty gets the better of her and steals the keys and Anita finds out unless she wants to stay there forever she needs to go to the other side of pocket dimension (it's called the lock up in general but the dimension has very different areas with different names) to the second portal and with that go on a adventure and learn about the lost history of the monsters and much more.

Wow that was alot and I haven't even talked about the interactions the characters have and skipped alot of key events😭😂 (I doubt anyone will read this far but if so thanks alot)

This storys themes are based on community, oppression, social injustice, connection/disconnection we feel within our own communities, the negative impacts conformity (like having to change yourself for a higher authority or just to be socially accepted).

The main two inspirations are undertale and xmen 97 (the 2024 remake)

If you guys want I can talk about it more (doubt but surprise me I guess) just ask stuff you want to know in the ask box or comment idk if I will reply to all but definitely most (I feel like). It can be like character dynamics or more world building or just more art idk have fun if you care as long as it not crazy asks (like inappropriate or unreasonable) and you're not rude then 9/10 I will reply :)

Edit: It's sounds darks but it's not I promise 😭😭

[momoshin]

wrapped in lace — ryujin

you’d think coming home after long hours of running and making content would knock the two of you right out. but you were hoping it did just the opposite, you made sure the car driving you and the girls gets there first, needing to make sure everything was still in place from how you left it before starting your day (and to be able to change into what you had planned) ryujin gets home with the others as soon as you sit down to take a breath. they all know what you have planned, they’re just here for support before they smoothly make an exit.

“you guys got here fast” ryujin points it out and kisses your lips hello like she hadn’t just done that before going into the separate cars (which she complained about for half an hour). she hands you a smoothie, and you quickly notice she’s the other only member with one in her hands.

“ryujin you literally spent twenty minutes thinking of what smoothie to get your girlfriend” yuna rolls her eyes, making the other four laugh at the birthday girl who slightly blushes and shrugs.

“oooooh” lia cheers, interrupting your girlfriend’s soft, sort of questioning stare at you and causing the two of you to look at her, also catching the other three peeking in the room, yuna trying to squeeze her way in between the unnies. “actually we’re going to go eat, call us if you want anything, have funnn”

“oooooh” lia cheers, interrupting your girlfriend’s soft, sort of questioning stare at you and causing the two of you to look at her, also catching the other three peeking in the room, yuna trying to squeeze her way in between the unnies. “actually we’re going to go eat, call us if you want anything, have funnn”

and just like that, the door is closed. you can hear their steps and what yuna thought was whispers ‘that’s so romantic!!’ ‘ryujin unnie’s probably going to cry’ ‘when did y/n unnie have the time to do all of that?’ that just caused a smile to break into your lips.

“when did you do all of this?” her jaw is open so wide, she’s going to catch flies soon.

“i can’t tell you my secrets” you scoff, a warm, loving smile on your lips as you approached her and dared to wrap your arms around her waist after taking her cross body and setting it on the floor. “do you like it?”

“i love it” she pecks your lips a couple of times, and through all of them you can easily feel the smile that she displayed because of the surprise “can we open presents now?”

“yes baby” the way her voice sounded like an excited kid on christmas morning, and her eyes were so bright, her smile? it melts your heart and you find yourself feeling more love for her than you thought possible.

it’s all pure from there. her pure gasps and smiles or even giggles every times she opens a present and remembers you asking detailed yet questions vague enough for her to not have a clue of the reason behind it.

“where’s the button?” you’ve found yourselves messing around with the new film camera, your girlfriend too excited to leave it for tomorrow like she would’ve said to hide how much she wanted to play with it.

“it says here-“ you begin to read the manual of instructions, and it only takes you a few seconds in to see the blinding light of the flash. “ryujin!”

“found it” she smiles, the two of you giggling softly in the moment. “im keeping this” she smiles, looking at the developing picture of you in what she thinks is your prettiest version, “thank you baby” it's a little muffled against your lips that she keeps kissing and pecking in hopes it helps her express how grateful she is.

"i have one more gift for you" your words too are muffled against her lips, and as soon as she sits back up you look for the red bow you had placed somewhere around the room and stick it right on the top of your head "ta-da"

"oh?" she smiles, opening her arms for you to walk into. she watches you put up your finger as if telling her to wait for you, and undo the zipper of your jacket, letting her catch the red, delicate lace adorning your body. "oh" she's in utter shock, like she hasn't ever seen you like this even though it's a regular occurrence "c'mere, please"

the bow inevitably falls off your head when she pulls you to her by the waist, running her hands all over your body, drinking you in. "is this new?"

"mhm" your hand wraps around the back of her head, keeping eye contact with her as she presses soft kisses to the skin of your tummy that wasn't covered by the lingerie set "got it just for today"

"well. i love it" she smiles "almost want to fuck you in it"

"who said you'd be doing the fucking?" your hands cup her face and bring it up to look at you, thumbs grazing against her lips, her pretty, pink lips that you loved so much "lay down for me?"

she trusts you enough to just go with it, and you easily move the gifts from the bed to the night stand. so she had more space in the bed and nothing broke. your hands run all over her uncovered torso by her crop top, and soon, you found your hands kneading and squeezing at her tits. hums and whispers coming out of her lips.

your legs move on their own to get you in bed, between her legs so your hands could do their thing and undo her jeans, her chuckle when you peck her stomach just like she did yours a few minutes ago rings in your ears beautifully. reminding you how lucky you are to have her, that she’s yours and you’re hers.

“i love you” you whisper against her lips when you’ve come back up, sitting on her lap with your hands on the end of her shirt to slowly remove it. “like, i’m in love with you ryujin” you stop your kisses to look at her, look for a reaction. she takes time. to control her breathing and process the words that had just come out of your mouth, her eyes are glossy and her hand runs through your hair gently.

“i’m in love with you too” she whispers after what feels like has been forever, but only has been seconds. her voice is so small and broken, she is so in love with you, it hurts her to think about it.. everything about you makes her feel in heaven.

your smile is so big though, you weren’t expecting her to not say it back, but it felt good to actually hear it. her lips find yours now, and the kiss starts so soft, slow, telling each how much you felt for the other, and its like that for some time, tongues dancing and all. but then her hands start going down to your ass, and you don’t have it in you to stay put when she moves your hips for you, her naked thighs rubbing against your clothed core in delicious ways.

“don’t take it off” she whispers as soon as she sees you sit up in her lap, and her fingers soon loop around the flimsy, tiny part covering your crotch. she thinks about putting it to the side and just watching like this, but then again something about using her strength on or for you makes her feel in control, so she does just that. tears it right off of you.

“ryujin?!” you whine. hands on her naked shoulders as you stare at your thong in her fingers.

“don’t make me gag you with it” she spits, and at the sound of her voice so deep; you whimper, specially when she runs her thumb up and down your clit, eliciting a few gasps out of you too. you try to, with all your inner strength, pull away from her hand, but instead position yourself so your legs could cross with hers. your cunts both fitting together like puzzle pieces. “fuck”

she’s been under you many times before. but the sight before you is so different from those times, she’s biting her lip, eyes half closed, her nipples perked up already, hands on your waist to control you moving, she’s groaning and grunting in such sinful ways too, making you wetter than before and easier for the two of you to move.

she’s closed her eyes when you, still riding her, stretch your arm enough to take the new camera in your hands, she doesn’t even open her eyes when you put a hand on her stomach in a more possesive way than anything, she only does so when she hears the click of the camera shooting the sight in front of it: your cunt glued to hers, your hand spread on her toned abdomen as if to tell anyone who saw the lewd image that she was yours.

she bites her lips at her own sight, you on top, the red lace that she’d yet to rip off your body hugging you so beautifully, your hair down your shoulders and back, you waiting for the polaroid to develop with your teeth digging into your bottom lip. but most importantly the sight of your pussy against hers. the noises you two made, how it felt. she feels dizzy already.

“you better not show that to anyone. specially the girls” she warns, her legs opening wider to give you more space for an advantage of getting the perfect angle between the two of you “fffuck, do that again”

“that?” she wonders if this is how you feel when she starts getting cocky. because you certainly are as you roll your hips over and over again like you had for the few last seconds. you don’t stop asking until she groans out a yes, fingers so tight around the skin of your hips that you were worried she was going to bruise you. “and i don’t know. i think jisu unnie might find it hot, don’t you?”

suddenly, you feel her breath so much closer to your lips than you remember her being, your covered nipples against her naked, hard ones, her hand fully tangled in your hair, pulling well enough to make you hiss and whimper into her lips “im not playing with you y/n” she groans “anyone else sees your pussy and it’s over for you”

“what are you gonna do?” you’re teasing her with your smile, and she hates it so much. how can you be so brave when she’s got you so vulnerable right on her cunt??

“you don’t want to find out.” her hand wraps around you to slap your ass so, so hard, you’re worried for her hand. “why are you being such a whore right now, am i not enough for you?” you’re not responding, just looking at her with your brattiest expression and hoping it pisses her off. not enough for this tight pussy?” she draws a gasp from you when she says the words ‘tight pussy’ because at that same time she’s pushed a finger into you from behind

she smiles against your lips when you muffle something against hers, not finding in you to make actual words and sentences.

“what’s that princess? i didn’t quite catch it” she smirks, kissing your lips and nose so soft as if she didn’t have a whole finger inside you at the same time

“im kidding. im sorry. im sorry” your eyes are shut closed, your clit throbbing and so is your head from all the sensations you’re experiencing right now.

“you’re so easy to handle” she chuckles. not meant to be endearing at all but degrading. “make me cum baby, fuck yourself on my fingers and make me cum. can you do that for me?” she pushes two more inside you just in time.

“yes. yes i can. yes.” you moan and shake when trying to lift yourself off her chest, and she takes the opportunity with the hand that wasn’t inside you, to free your tits out of the lace holding them away from her. you maneuver your hips to be able to sit on her fingers fully, all three of them buried to the hilt, but to be able to rub her clit with yours when you thrust back up.

“so good for me baby.” your girlfriend kisses from your jaw, to your neck, to your chest, always leaving bites soft enough to not mark any part of you. she watches you all along, loving the way small gasps, whimpers and moans all escape your lips that couldnt seem to close unlike your eyes. your eyes had been shut tight for a few minutes now, not being able to look anywhere or even at her.

the heat in your stomach starts growing, but you can’t and won’t cum without her. even if it meant holding it for however long you needed to. “are you close daddy?”

“yeah baby, almost there” ryujin kisses your sweaty cheeks and lifts her head up as much as she can to kiss your swollen lips. “you can cum, you have my permission” she brushes your hair out of your face with her free hand, pecking your lips once again as she watches your face contort in pleasure

“i w-wanna wait for y-you” you return her kisses as you can, in your vulnerable state. and she keeps grunting and moaning against your lips and even going so far as to lift her hips against yours because she just wants to see and feel you shaking on top of her so bad. so bad. “please. please.”

“go ahead princess, cum.., ff-fuck-k im c-cumming-h” her eyes roll to the back of her head, your highs are so hard that you can almost hear ringing in your ears. and the few seconds that you have over her as she still handles her orgasm, you use to kiss all over her jaw and cheeks while still rolling your hips against her.

“happy birthday baby” you whisper after a long while of the two of you looking at each other in silence and attempting to regain your breath, it causes her to giggle and cover her face with her hand at the thought of the two of you engaging in such filthy activities a few minutes ago and you being so soft and loving right after

“thank you my love, for everything” one of her hands runs her nails up and down your back as she watches you blush and smile at her. “how much time do we have left?”

“like an hour max” you whisper after looking at the alarm clock on her nightstand. “why”

“there’s one more thing i want to try”

[i-see-thevision]

Familiar Faces

• Chapter Three •

Prologue // Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 

A/N: So... This series is making a comeback... I KNOW I’M SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN WAITING FOR THIS BUT COLLEGE IS STRESSFUL AND SO IS LIFE IN GENERAL RIGHT NOW SO PLZ FORGIVE ME.

Genre: Mafia!AU

Pairing: Wonwoo x reader (ft. the rest of Seventeen)

Word Count: 8.8k

Summary: When you make a wrong turn on your way to visit family, you end up meeting some familiar faces and unintentionally get sucked down memory lane. Now, you’re reliving the past along with your former best friend. The only thing is… he’s much more dangerous now than he was before.

WARNINGS: Explicit Rough Sex; Mentions of Violence; Mentions of Blood; Mentions of Death; Fucking Dom as hell Wonwoo

Lol have funnn this is a long one :)

• • •

You woke up in the morning to breathing on your neck and an arm on your waist.

At first your blood ran cold and your body stilled. But once you felt the ache between your legs, the memories of last night came flooding back. A smile slowly began to spread across your lips as you realized it was Wonwoo cuddled up to your side, resting his head in the crook of your neck and sending little shivers down your spine with every exhale.

You debated whether you were even going to be able to walk or not. As soon as Wonwoo came back in last night, blood staining his shirt, his chest heaving, you knew you were in for a rough night. He fucked you hard. Relentless one might even say. But he had you in complete bliss the whole time, loving every minute of it.

You’re not going to lie and say your conscious hasn't been pricking at your mind though. The thought of what Wonwoo does for Seventeen. What he does to people, guilty or not, they're still people. But you’ve known Wonwoo for so long. There’s history between you two. So for some sick reason (probably because you’re already so fucked up emotionally and mentally but hey who isn't) you don't even mind. You’re just happy to finally be with Wonwoo.

Wonwoo began stirring, slowly opening his eyes. A sense of pride could be recognized on his face as he took in your form.  His marks scattered across your chest, along with your obvious soreness from the previous night’s activities. A smile graced his lips as the sound of your moans and his name leaving your lips repeatedly last night filled his mind.

“Morning, beautiful.” He said, his morning voice raspy and deep. You turned and sat up on your elbow, looking down at him. Your hand rested on his bare chest, drawing indistinguishable shapes softly on the skin there.

“Good morning.” You smiled back, unable to believe this was reality. How long have you been waiting for this day? Albeit, under better circumstances, but nonetheless it still happened. And, to be honest, you couldn't be happier.

“I wouldn't mind waking up to this every morning.” Wonwoo confesses, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. His hand then slid down to gently hold your chin and pull you closer to him until your lips met. The kiss was soft, delicate, yet filled with so much meaning.

Your lovely intimate moment was interrupted, however, by Wonwoo’s phone dinging.

He sighed dramatically, picking up the phone and reading the text.

“Is everything okay?” You asked, concerned by his eyebrows furrowing.

“It’s Seungcheol, something happened.” He said handing you the phone to read the text yourself, while he got up to get dressed.

“S.Coups: We have a serious problem. Bring y/n.”

“What happened?” You asked, even though you knew he knew as little as you did. You also got up and got dressed.

“I don't know but it can't be good. Let’s go.” He said as you finished getting dressed, grabbing your hand and leading you out the door.

You walked down a few hallways before reaching the conference room. Entering inside you expected to see everyone, but only Seungcheol and Jeonghan were there.

“Where is everyone?” Wonwoo said, seeing that it was just the four of you.

“We need to keep this between us four for now. I don't want the others worrying about things they can't help with.” Seungcheol said, your heart rate increasing. What exactly was going on here?

“What exactly happened?” Wonwoo asked, probably more worried now than he was before.

“It’s Vernon.” Jeonghan spoke up. His response immediately putting you on edge.

“Wait wait, it’s Vernon? What’s wrong? Is he okay?” You say stepping forward, internally freaking out.

“Well that’s the problem, we don't know. We found a note in the kitchen this morning saying that he’d be gone the next few days because he’s “taking care of some business.”” Seungcheol informed. You had a very bad feeling in your chest.

“That’s it? He didn't say anything else? Like maybe where he’s going or why he’s being so fucking cryptic?” You lashed out, getting worked up because of how protective you feel over this kid.

“Nope, nothing.” Seungcheol sighs, understanding your frustration as it mirrored his own. He took a step closer to you, causing your head to tilt up in order to maintain eye contact.

“I’ve noticed your sudden bond, thought maybe he confided in you something he didn't with us. He didn't say anything to you that might uncover where he is right now?” He then added. You pushed the feelings that you were being accused of something aside. Vernon’s safety was the priority right now.

You didn't respond at first. You hesitated in order to really think about this. Maybe he did say something that seemed trivial at the time but now is pertinent information.

Your mind thinks back to the tech room, when he mentioned his mother and sister. When he said he couldn't stand the way his mother’s boyfriend was treating them. And that being the reason he moved them away from Vernon. Because Vernon was older now, he was stronger and could handle himself. Because he could be seen as a threat to him. A threat that could jeopardize his control over his family. Because now Vernon was capable of-

“I know where he is.”

All three heads snap towards you at your words. Your own eyes widening at your realization that you, in fact, knew exactly where Vernon was.

“He was talking about his mother and his sister and how he hates how his mother’s boyfriend treats them. He must have gone to confront him, that has to be where he is.” You explain, gaining a nod of agreement from Seungcheol.

“Alright, then we go find him before he gets himself killed.” Seungcheol says finitely. Your eyebrows furrow at the notion.

“Wait, his mom’s boyfriend wouldn't kill him, would he?” You ask, turning your head towards Wonwoo at the last part.

“Vernon neglected to inform you that his mother is dating a member of another gang, the Red Dragon. And he’s a very high up member, at that.” Seungcheol says before Wonwoo could say anything.

You gaped at this new information. Then you internally shuddered because Vernon, although an adult and capable of protecting himself to a degree, was way over his head. He was in danger and although the age gap between you two is relatively small, your sisterly instincts were telling you to go and protect him.

“I’m coming with you guys.” You announce, earning an amused grin from Jeonghan and two very stern looks from Seungcheol and Wonwoo.

“No, you most certainly are not. I will not have you in any sort of danger.” Wonwoo protested, tugging you away from the other two. To which you took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

“Look, I know you’re saying this out of concern for my well being, but I can handle myself, Woo. Okay? I’m going.” You persist, giving him a stern look that also conveyed a sort of softness.

“Y/n... I just got you back.” Wonwoo’s voice faltered, taking a hold of both your shoulders with his large hands. “I can’t risk losing you again.” He said quieter, his eyes shifting between yours quickly.

You could see how much this bothered him. How much he really cared, in this moment. It was as if you were looking behind a curtain. A curtain that you didn't really know was there until now. A put together facade that he had built in order to keep you stable. But now you could see that that’s really all it was.

A facade.

Wonwoo is still human. The look in his eyes and the tone of his voice confirms that. Right now, you’re seeing the old Wonwoo. The Wonwoo that didn't want you to be anywhere near your brother because he was ‘bad news.’ The Wonwoo that swore he would beat up every kid that bullied you in school, once he had the muscle to do so. (Which he most definitely has now.) The Wonwoo that was broken when he had to keep you safe and the only way to do so was by convincing you he was dead. This is the Wonwoo you were looking at right now.

“Woo...” Your voice was soft. “I have the utmost confidence that you would protect me in the event that I couldn’t.” You predict, bringing your hands up to gently cradle his face in them.

“But,” you continue, “I would never put you in that position or put that kind of pressure on you.” You comply, standing on your tip-toes to softly place your lips on his. Keeping it short and sweet due to the extra pairs of eyes in the room.

“So does that mean you’re staying?” Wonwoo asks, clarifying your statement. You nod, a gentle smile on your lips at this oddly heartwarming argument.

Wonwoo pulls you forward into his embrace. His arms wrapped securely around your shoulders while yours snaked around his waist, head resting on his chest.

“Thank you,” his voiced was muffled by your hair, “ I know you can handle yourself. I just want you to be safe- no. I need you to be safe, y/n.” He confessed, pulling away to look at you.

You two share a look in that moment. One that conveys mutual trust and understanding. An understanding that you wouldn't be going anywhere, that you were his and he was yours.

“Alright now that that’s settled, this weird love fest can end.” Seungcheol says, shielding Jeonghan’s eyes with his hand.

“You’re aware we are the same age, correct?” He inquires rhetorically. Seungcheol, getting the message, lowers his hand and picks up his bag.

“Alright, we should be back in three days, four days tops.” Seungcheol says, mostly to you. “Vernon isn't going to want to hear any teasing from the guys about sneaking off when we get back. So if they ask, which they will, just tell them we went to deal with some business in America and we wouldn't tell you what said business was.” He finishes.

“Okay, please bring Vernon back unharmed and please stay safe. All of you.” You say sincerely. Jeonghan seems surprised by this, but pleasantly so.

“Thank you. We will, don't worry.” Jeonghan says, giving you a nod and a smile before exiting the room.

“We’ll be back with the kid before you know it.” Seungcheol assures before stepping out as well. Leaving just you and Wonwoo in the room.

“You’ll still be here when I get back, right?” Wonwoo asks, rather hesitantly. Wanting the confirmation to be vocalized rather than just in looks.

“Yes, Wonwoo.” You assure, kissing his lips a bit more firm than before. “I’m not going anywhere.”

At this he smiles, the gesture sending your stomach into a frenzy.

• • •

“Mingyu, where’s the sesame oil?” You asked, searching through every cabinet in the kitchen but coming up empty.

It has been 48 hours since the three boys left to fetch Vernon. You weren’t worried... yet. You told yourself you wouldn't get worried until three days had passed. You trusted they would get him back unharmed, all of them unharmed.

“It’s in the fridge.” Mingyu said walking into the kitchen behind you like it was the most obvious thing. You turned to him incredulously.

“But oils don’t go in the fridge?” You pointed out, opening the fridge and taking out the now solidified sesame oil, groaning in the process.

“It’s not?” He asked, genuinely confused at this new information.

“You know for being the only guy in this house that cooks, you’re not sounding so knowledgeable right now.” You said, placing the bottle of oil on the counter to soften.

“Hey I’m a criminal, not a chef.” He said, mocking offense though you could tell he was a little offended.

“This is basic stuff, Gyu.” You laughed, turning the water off of the ramen you were making because now you had to wait for this sesame oil to liquify.

You turned around, leaning on the counter and facing Mingyu who sat at the island table. His head was resting against his hand. He looked kinda bored, but not at you specifically. Everyone as been housebound the past two days, with the leader on a secret mission that you have to act like you don't know anything about. The guys aren't used to sitting still, so they’re incredibly antsy.

“What’s protocol if they aren't back by four days?” You suddenly asked, feeling a bit uneasy about them being gone yourself. Mingyu seemed surprised by your question.

“Well, we would normally send two of us to go after them. Usually Minghao and Jun. But S.Coups didn't tell us where they went.” He seemed a little annoyed at the last part, rightfully so. You would be annoyed too had you been left in the dark.

“So, in other words, we just have to sit here and wait for them to come back?” You concluded, getting more worried as the time ticked by.

“Pretty much yeah.” Mingyu sighed.

The room grew quiet. Both of you just sitting in silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, just a simple silence.

“Do you know where Jihoon is?” You suddenly asked, having something to do in mind.

“Yeah he’s down in the crypt, probably killing time. No pun intended.” Mingyu chuckled standing up along with you.

“Um... do you plan on coming with me?” You asked, kinda wanting to talk to Jihoon alone.

“Do you know where the entrance to the crypt is?” He countered, looking smug.

“That’s a good point.” You admitted, not having any idea where it was. You didn't really want to go down there, knowing exactly what goes on down there. But you had a lot on your mind and you knew it was Jihoon who was going to be able to answer your questions.

“That’s what I thought, follow me.” He chuckled, waving you to follow him.

The entrance to crypt was incredibly difficult to get to. Once the elevator doors opened to the underground level, you ended up making like twelve turns before Mingyu had to use a passcode and scan his hand to even open the door.

“S.Coups will give you the passcode after about a month with us. Just a security measure, nothing personal.” Mingyu informed, his usual cheeky self morphing into one of seriousness. Due to the nature of coming down to the crypt, you assumed it was second nature to return to business mode upon entering.

“Jihoon’s office in down this hall, fifth door on the left. He’ll probably come back up with you when you guys are done.” Mingyu informed before closing and locking the door behind you.

It didn't occur to you until now that, even though things were idle mission wise, people were still being held down here. It was incredibly cold, you could see your breath fogging as you exhaled. You could assume each room was soundproof, but that didn't stop your imagination from thinking about the people that could be held behind each one. The horrible things that have happened behind each one. For God’s sakes, you were once held captive down here too.

You shook the bad thoughts from your head as you approached the door to Jihoon’s office. Well, you hoped this was the right door. It looked exactly the same as all the other doors.

You knocked on the door, shifting your weight between feet as you waited.

The door swung open after a couple moments to a very surprised Jihoon.

“Y/n?” He simply asked, clearly not expecting you to be down here.

“Hey, I know this is unexpected but... Can I talk to you for a bit?” You asked a little apprehensive. Jihoon, although trustworthy, was still an incredibly intimidating person.

“I mean, I don’t have anything else going on at the moment so sure. Come in.” He agreed, rather friendly.

You followed him into his office, closing the door behind you.

It was rather warm an cozy in here, not at all what you were imagining. The leather brown couch and burgundy accents adorning the room caught you a bit off guard. But nonetheless, it was a pleasant surprise.

Jihoon sat down in his desk chair, gesturing for you to take a seat on the couch.

“So what do you want to talk about?” He spun in his chair to face you, crossing one leg over the other.

“I wanted to ask you how Wonwoo decided on... this particular profession... when he became apart of Seventeen.” You asked rather hesitantly.

Jihoon seemed amused by your question, smiling to himself.

“You want to know what exactly happened that drove Wonwoo to torture?” He clarified, smirking. You didn't like that he was enjoying this so much.

“Yeah... that.” You answered, mentally bracing yourself for his reply. Not that anything he said would change your opinion of Wonwoo, you've done some pretty dark things yourself while affiliated with Monsta X.

“Well sit back and relax, it’s a bit of a long story.” Jihoon sighed, leaning back in his chair and uncrossing his legs while you drew yours up to sit criss crossed.

“First, you should know that when asked about how Wonwoo was when he first joined Seventeen, everyone will tell you he was this clumsy, timid kid who didn't know what he was doing.” He began, his hands moving about as he spoke. “But I will tell you right now, that kid harbored deep seeded anger inside him. He hid it well, but I saw right through him. He tried to act like he was fine but I knew he was a ticking time bomb.”

“Wonwoo had a tough time growing up with his mom being an alcoholic and all, so that’s probably wh-”

“No, it wasn't.” Jihoon cut you off. You looked at him, puzzled.

“He harbored this kind of rage for only one reason.” He leaned forward in his chair, as if proving a point he hasn't made yet.

“You.” He stated. Catching you completely off guard.

“Me?” You couldn’t find any other words than that to respond with. Why would Wonwoo have been angry at you?

“Yes, but he wasn't angry with you. Which is what you were just thinking, hm?” He practically read your mind, making you wonder if you had said that out loud but you definitely didn't so you opted for squinting your eyes suspiciously at him.

“I dabble in phycological torture as well, so I’m good at reading people.” He clarified. You hummed in response and mentally reminded yourself to never get on his bad side.

“Wonwoo was at war with himself the moment he decided that the best way to protect you was to make you believe he was dead.” He continued, “He was torn between wanting to keep you safe and wanting to keep you close to him.”

You just listened intently at this point, anticipating where this was gonna go.

“It wasn't until about four months of working with Hoshi in the lab that he found his niche in torture. It was a rather beautiful day if you ask me. Him and Hosh were working on a new product, some drug that never actually made it to market, when your brother reached out to us.” He said, your eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

“He said that someone had put a hit on him and that he wasn't aware of who this person was. No offense, but we didn't really see where he was going with this because we, at the time, didn't care for your brother. But then he told us that same person had put a hit on you, as well. And that’s when Wonwoo flipped.” Jihoon sighed in content as if recalling a fond memory.

“It was a thing of beauty, really. When we caught the guy and Wonwoo demanded he talk to him first.” A breathy chuckle escaped his lips before he continued. “He spent hours in there. Pouring out all of the pent up rage he kept inside him. All that time being angry with himself for leaving you all alone, he poured it all out when he got a hold of this guy who hired someone to kill you. It was almost like fate, he was a natural. He got more information out of that guy than I have ever seen a first timer get.” Jihoon paused, looking at you now.

“You become desensitized to the blood, to the screams, to murder. After a while it just becomes a part of you. You know that.” He said, making sure you didn't look at Wonwoo any differently because of what he said.

You hummed and nodded in agreement, knowing exactly how that was.

“So eventually, Wonwoo just got really good at it. He was like my little prodigy for a while. I taught him different methods, different techniques. I taught him how to enjoy what he did, and he took it from there.” Jihoon smiled to himself again. Though the content of the conversation was dark, you for some reason found yourself feeling more lighthearted as Jihoon went on.

A comfortable silence fell upon you both for a moment before you spoke again.

“Thank you.” You smiled softly, feeling that this also acted as a bonding moment for you two.

“It was my pleasure, I’m surprised you’re such a good listener. Everyone else in this gang likes to talk over everyone. We should talk more, it was nice for a change.” Jihoon smiled genuinely.

It was a soft moment for the both of you. A mutual understanding floated in the atmosphere about life and how you had all come to live the ones your choices had led you to. How you two weren't very different. How even though you were all considered “bad people” by society, that you really weren't. Because in the end, everyone has done something they aren't proud of.

Just some more than others.

• • •

“Y/n.”

You could hear someone calling your name but your head was glued to your pillow and your eyes did not want to open.

“Y/n wake up!”

A pillow made contact with your face and you shot up, ready to retaliate.

“What?!” You yelled, sleepy and rather irritated.

The moment you noticed it was Soonyoung though, you calmed down.

“Oh it’s you. Sorry, I’m not a morning person.” You chuckled, shifting to face the black haired boy. But your face fell when you saw his.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” You asked, concerned at his expression. You also happened to notice that it wasn't morning, but in fact still night.

“Something’s wrong, Y/n. I don't know what, but something is not right. They haven't come back and it’s been four days. Seungcheol is never late, never! Something must have happened to them Y/n-”

“Soonyoung!” You stopped his anxious ramble, it was worrying you more.

You also were worried that they hadn't come back yet but you thought that maybe that’s just how missions went. But after what Soonyoung is saying now, your anxiety has reached an all time high.

“Wonwoo must have told you where they went, he must have.” He pleaded, his hands finding your shoulders.

You were quiet for a moment, wondering if you should break the promises you made to Seungcheol and Wonwoo. Wondering if you should just go and find them. What if they were captured by that other gang Vernon’s mom’s boyfriend was apart of? What if they were...

“New York.” You suddenly said. “The U.S., that’s where they went.”

“The U.S.? Why would they go there?” Soonyoung seemed beyond confused.

“Vernon went there by himself in the middle of the night to go confront his mom’s boyfriend and Seungcheol found out and took Wonwoo and Jeonghan with him to go and bring him back and they told me not to tell you guys because they would be back in a couple days but they aren't back and what if they got hurt because I didn't tell you guys? Oh my god Soonyoung what if they got k-”

“Y/n calm down!” You felt Soonyoung pull you into his chest. You were crying, hard. You don't even know when you started crying.

“We’re going to get them back.” Soonyoung assured, finitely.

“But if Red Dragon has them, we can’t bring everyone.” He said, pulling you back a bit so he could look at you. You wiped your tears and tried pulling yourself together.

“Mingyu said that usually Jun and Minghao are responsible for rescue missions.” You said, and Soonyoung nodded.

“That’s true, then I’m bringing them.” He went to turn away but you jumped out of the bed and tugged him back to face you.

“I’m coming with you guys.” You stated. It was not a question.

“What? No, you’re not. What if you get hurt? Wonwoo will kill me.” He said, shaking his head.

“Soonyoung, I’m coming. You can’t stop me.” You pushed passed him and into the direction of Minghao and Jun’s rooms.

“Y/n! You’re not- Ugh Y/n!” Soonyoung whisper yelled while chasing after you.

You opened Minghao’s door first, Soonyoung following shortly after, quickly closing the door behind him.

“Hao get up were going to America.” You said pulling his comforter off of him.

“What the fuck?” Minghao groaned as he rubbed his eyes.

“Seungcheol, Jeonghan, Wonwoo. They went to America to find Vernon because he went on a suicide mission and we’re getting them back. Now GET. UP.” You kept your voice low but your insistence was clear.

“How did you find out where they were?” He asked, still getting up.

“Look, I knew the whole time but Seungcheol told me not to tell you guys, alright? I’m sorry, I should have said something sooner.” You apologized, your voice still a bit shaky from the anxiety bubbling in your stomach.

“You knew this whole time and you didn't say anything?!” His voice raised but you quickly put your hand over his mouth. You turned to Soonyoung who was just standing and watching the interaction.

“Can you go get Jun and please be quiet?” You told him, watching as he nodded and left to go find the other assassin. You returned your attention Minghao.

“First of all, you need to be quiet. It’s only you, me, Hosh, and Jun going. We’ll leave a note for the rest of the guys.” You explained, taking your hand off of his mouth.

“Wait, you don’t actually think you’re coming with us?” He said, looking at you like you were crazy.

“Yes actually, I think I am.” You said standing up. “Now get dressed and packed and meet us out front.”

You walked back to your room to get changed and packed, doing it as quickly and quietly as possible. You snuck down to the kitchen, leaving a note on the counter for the rest of the guys. You made your way to the front door of the house and walked outside, finding the three boys already out there.

“Wait, Y/n’s coming?” You heard Jun ask, pointing in your direction.

“What is with you guys? I’m very capable of handling myself!” You pushed passed them to the car, tossing your duffle bag in the trunk.

“You know if we let anything happen to you, Wonwoo will drag us down to the crypt and kill us very, very slowly. Correct?” Jun told you, putting his bag down next to yours.

“Look, nothing is going to happen to me. I’m quick on my feet, I’ll be fine. Now would you all GET IN.” You finally raised your voice, now that you were outside.

You took the liberty of driving, since you felt like you needed something else to focus on other than worrying.

The airport was completely dead, as expected at three a.m..

The flight felt like an eternity, none of you slept. You all went over how this was going to go when you got to Red Dragon’s base. How you’d get in, how you’d get out. Most of it consisted of questions from you and tips on how not to die.

“You need to stay with one of us at all times, understand?” Soonyoung told you, looking at you very seriously.

“Hosh, I’m more capable than you think I-”

“Understand?” He cut you off, making his point clear.

You sighed, feeling a bit deflated. But nonetheless nodded.

“Yeah, I understand.”

• • •

“Does everyone remember the plan?” Jun asked as we made our way near the Red Dragon’s base.

The plan was to get in undetected, find where they were keeping the guys, retrieve them, and get out undetected. Simple, right?

Wrong. There were so many things that could go wrong. You already calculated at least twenty scenarios in your head where this plan goes horribly wrong. But you trusted Jun. And you trusted Hosh and Hao. You had faith in this plan working, in your team. You would find them.

You had to.

“Yes.” Everyone nodded in agreement as we all crouched behind the tall grass bordering the Red Dragon’s base. Jun had been taken to their basement before, so he knew where it was. Which is why he was leading this mission. He was also the oldest out of us four.

“Complete silence, we all need to be completely silent.” Jun whispered into the air, almost to himself.

And silent is what we became.

Sneaking into the base was not what we were worried about. Getting out was going to be the tricky part. 

You followed behind Soonyoung, staying in close proximity as he requested. While Jun and Minghao made there way in front of both of you, checking out the entrance of the heavily guarded building.

You watched as Minghao pulled an M9 out of his backpack, screwing a silencer in place. You thought back to the plane ride and how they had denied your request to carry a gun with you. Not that you really knew how to use one anyways, computers were your strong suit.

You all crept carefully towards the front entrance after Minghao and Jun were properly armed, your backs strafing along the back of the building. 

Jun motioned with his hand for Minghao to take out the two guys guarding the front entrance. Without hesitation, Minghao lowered himself into a crouch.

You saw him sneak around the corner and pull the trigger twice, but you barely heard a sound come from the gun. Silencers must really do their thing. 

Hao gestured for everyone to follow him into the building, and that’s exactly what you all did. Very quickly and very quietly, you all filed into the building.

Jun had said that their control room was close to the front exit, he wasn't exactly sure which room it was but he knew it was in this vicinity. 

You moved to the front of the group and walked over to the door you suspected to be the right room. The door was cracked slightly so you peaked in and low and behold, it was filled with computers and monitors. 

‘I got this.’ You mouthed to Soonyoung who looked incredibly concerned about your actions. 

You pushed open the door, surprised to see no one in there, and took the flash drive you had in your back pocket. The room had an eerie bluish-green glow, the only light coming from screens and monitors. You walked over the many wires tangled on the floor, being sure not to make a sound, and carefully plugged the flash drive into the USB port of the main computer system. 

As soon as it was plugged in, you rushed out of the room. 

“Alright we have about fifteen minutes before that flash drive fries their system and smoke starts filling that room.” You whispered to the three boys. They all nodded in agreement, Soonyoung taking your hand and pulling you along with them.

You all made your way towards the basement, checking before rounding each corner. You were surprised by the lack of Red Dragon members crawling the halls of the building. 

Jun motioned a signal with his hand that you had all agreed beforehand meant ‘It’s here.’ 

The door to the basement was just around the corner. Seungcheol, Jeonghan, Vernon, Wonwoo. They were just around the corner, down some stairs, and probably tied up, beaten, God who knows. But before you could dwell on the anxiety bubbling up inside you, Soonyoung stopped abruptly before turning the final corner, you inadvertently crashing into his back.

You froze when you realized he had stopped because people were coming.

“There’s a fire in the control room! Who messed with the thermostat again?!” You both listened to the heavily irritated voice as it came closer, along with many other equally as irritated voices.

The click of footsteps stepped in rhythm of your pounding heart. Soonyoung quickly pulled you back and into a shadowed corner, shielding you from sight with his body. 

You tried to slow your breathing as the men ran past you two, not even glancing in your direction. 

“You okay?” Soonyoung tilted his head down to look at you. You nodded in response, continuing your way to the basement door. 

Jun and Minghao looked relieved to see the both of you as you had just gotten separated for a bit there. 

Jun nodded in the direction of the stairs, all of you heading down them in a single file line. 

When you reached the bottom, there was three heavily armed Red Dragon members guarding one door. You all shared a look and decided that was the room the guys were being behind. 

You watched as Soonyoung, Minghao and Jun all pulled out there guns, all equipped with silencers. All three of them pulled the trigger at the same time, each aimed at one of the three men. 

All three men fell to the ground in unison. You were so used to the sight of death at this point that this didn't even phase you anymore. You all stepped over the bodies like it was nothing. 

As soon as Jun opened the door, your eyes met the four boys you all had been looking for. And thanks to the fire that you had started, there was no one else in the room. 

“Wonwoo!” You ran over to them, as all of them were tied to chairs. None of them seemed to be injured badly. Just scrapes and bruises here and there.

“Y/n?” You heard Wonwoo question as you slid down on your knees, pulling out your knife and quickly cutting him free. 

As soon as he was cut free, you were pulled into his chest. 

“WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?” Wonwoo whisper yelled at the three boys untying Jeonghan, Seungcheol and Vernon. 

“Hey don’t yell at us, she’s the one that practically orchestrated this whole thing.” Minghao defended, tugging Vernon free of his confines. 

“Look we can all yell at each other after we get out of here.” Seungcheol said, catching the gun Jun tossed him.

You couldn't even hear the rest of what he said because Wonwoo had pulled you aside.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt anywhere? Oh my god you must be terrified out of your mind. I thought I told you to stay at base!” Wonwoo whispered to you, his concern dripping from his vocal chords.

You could barely formulate words, you just hugged him tighter. 

“I’m so happy you’re alive.” You whispered into his chest. He seemed to calm down after your words, kissing the top of your head and hugging you closer to him. 

“Alright we need to get out of here now.” Jun said as you and Wonwoo let go of each other. 

“The only way out is back the way you came.” Jeonghan said, taking the gun Minghao handed him and cocking it. His face was serious, they all were.

“Alright then let’s go.” Seungcheol said, making his way to the door you just came through. 

Wonwoo turned your head to look at him, his eyes serious.

“You are not going to leave my sight. Understand?” He said, his voice low. You nodded, already nervous about how you were all going to get out of here undetected.

Wonwoo took your hand, keeping you behind him as you all made your way through the empty hall’s of the Red Dragon's base. 

Most of the members were occupied with the fire you started upstairs, a sense of pride flowing through you as you recalled that distraction was your idea. 

When you all got upstairs, though, things became a bit tricky.

There were a couple Red Dragon members scouting the halls, leaving you guys only one option if you wanted to stay undetected. 

You had to split up.

Without any words, Seungcheol and Jeonghan decided on groups. You’re not exactly sure how they did that, since all they exchanged were looks. But everyone seemed to know what those looks meant, except you of course. You were entirely confused. 

You watched as everyone began pairing off in two’s. Seungcheol and Jeonghan heading off in one direction, Vernon and Soonyoung in another. 

“You’re with me.” You suddenly heard Wonwoo whisper in your ear behind you as Minghao and Jun both headed off next.

You looked back at Wonwoo, feeling anxiety bubble in your stomach again. Could you guys really do this? Could you really all get out of here alive?

Clearly Wonwoo could sense your oncoming panic, taking your hand in his from behind you.

“Do you trust me?” He whispered, his lips ghosting over your ear. Despite the dangerous situation you were all in, you still couldn't help your body from shivering at the sound of his voice.

“I trust you.” You confirmed without hesitation, craning your neck to look him in the eye. 

“Then we’re going to get out of here alive. All of us.” He stated, his tone serious and his eyes not leaving yours.

You nodded, allowing him to pull you down one of the empty halls. 

You both snuck around each corner in silence, avoiding every member of Red Dragon in the process. But soon enough, just around the corner of the control room, there was a member standing guard. He was only armed with a knife, Wonwoo could surely take him with his g-

“Fuck, I don’t have a gun.” Wonwoo’s words snapped you from your thoughts. 

“What do you mean you don’t have a gun? I thought Minghao brought a gun for everyone?” You whispered, your voice clearly showing worry and panic.

“He probably did but we all rushed out of there so quick.” He whispered back, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

You then remembered about the weapon that you had. So you pulled out your knife, placing it in his hand.

“Can’t you just hit him with my knife?” You said as he looked down at the weapon you just gave him. A slight smirk lifted the corners of his mouth.

“I believe the technical term is ‘stab’ but sure.” He chuckled quietly, gripping the knife tighter.

“Oh shush.” You rolled your eyes, before tugging on his arm right as he stood up. “Please be careful.” 

Wonwoo nodded, pulling you up with him and placing a chaste kiss on your lips.

“You said you trust me, right?” He said, his eyes flickering between yours. You nodded in return, anticipating the next words to leave his lips.

“Then as soon as he drops his knife, I want you to grab it. Okay?” His hands found your shoulders, his head bent down a little to stay eye level with you.

“And then what?” You whispered, trying to clarify exactly what plan was running through his head.

“And then I’ll take it from there. Don’t worry.” He kissed your forehead before walking into the hall like he was supposed to be there. 

Only confusion ran through your mind. Why was he not trying to sneak up on the guy? Why was he just walking right into his line of sight? Is he insane?

Right as the guy caught sight of Wonwoo, you heard him call out. 

“Hey!”

And then he charged Wonwoo, knife in hand. 

Wonwoo immediately dodged the guy’s first attempt at stabbing him, grabbing his arm and twisting it behind his back. 

You watched as the knife fell from the guy’s hand. It almost felt like slow motion when you ran forward, grabbing the knife and hopping up just as Wonwoo slit the guy’s throat with your knife. 

Without any warning, Wonwoo took the knife from your hand and grabbed the back of your neck, pulling you into his chest as he threw the knife behind you like he knew someone would be coming from that direction. A muffled yelp sounded from behind you, followed by a soft thud. 

Your eyes were squeezed shut despite being so used to the gore of death, it still left you unsettled. And when Wonwoo pulled you forward, you saw the two dead bodies bleeding out on the floor underneath them, but only briefly before he pulled you out of the building completely. 

Everything went so fast, you remember seeing the two guards Minghao shot still laying on the ground at the entrance. You remember Wonwoo helping you climb the fence as yells and gunshots sounded from behind you. But everything else was a blur.

• • •

It was a miracle you all made it out of there unscathed. That was the only thought running through your mind on the plane ride home. 

It was a long flight, and to be honest, you slept through none of it. 

Wonwoo slept through nearly all of it, his head resting on your shoulder. You ran your fingers through his shaggy black locks, so relieved to have him and the rest of the guys back. 

When you all finally got home, all the boys that stayed back fired a million questions at you eight. Seungcheol settled things pretty quickly and made sure no one blamed you for anything, since he told you not to say anything about their whereabouts. 

But before you could finish listening to the end of Seungcheol’s speech, Wonwoo was pulling you upstairs. 

“Hey, are you okay?” You said as he pulled you into his room, but your words died in your throat when he pinned you against the door. 

He had both your wrists gripped in one hand, pinning them above your head. His other hand was on your hip, keeping you in place.

“Now, now princess. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you breaking the rules.” Wonwoo whispered harshly against your ear. Your eyes shut from the action, his breath sending chills down your spine.

“I gave you one rule, and that was to stay here. But did you follow that rule?” He leaned back to look you in the eye. You shook your head.

“Use your words babygirl.” Wonwoo tisked. 

“No...” You said in a small voice. 

“So I believe a punishment is in order, princess.” The smirk that formed on his face at his own words was enough to set a fire in your belly. You pressed your thighs together in anticipation of what he would do to you.

Wonwoo seemed to notice, his eyes trailing down to your lips as you took your bottom lip between your teeth.

“Is my little one excited for her punishment?” Wonwoo practically cooed, his knee pushing in between your legs. The sigh that left your lips confirmed his question.

Wonwoo chuckled and you felt his hand release your wrists. Immediately your hands found his shoulders as his both took hold of your waist. But they slowly drifted down to your hips as he gripped a little harder.

“Now princess, I want you to get yourself off on my thigh.” He leaned in and whispered against your ear before pressing his thigh against your clothed core. 

A blush rose to your cheeks at Wonwoo’s words and actions. Your hands gripped his shoulders tighter as he began dragging your core up and down his jean clad thigh with his tight hold on your hips.

A moan escaped your lips at the sensation, your hips beginning to move on their own as you craved more friction.

“That’s it babygirl.” Wonwoo purred into your ear as you rolled your hips a bit faster, chasing the high you so desperately craved.

You felt it coming, your were so so close. But just as you were about to cum, Wonwoo held your hips still.

A whine fell from your lips, your eyes knitting together. 

“Ah, ah little one. You don’t get to cum until I say so.” Wonwoo’s voice was low. And despite your denied orgasm, you wanted him to keep going.

“Now strip.” Wonwoo commanded, and you wasted no time in grabbing the hem of your shirt, pulling it over your head. 

Wonwoo took a couple steps back to admire you as you unbuttoned your jeans and tugged them down your legs, kicking them away from you once they were off. 

“On the bed.” Wonwoo interjected before you took your bra off, his eyes following your form as you walked over to the bed, sitting down on the edge.

Wonwoo walked over to you, taking his shirt off in the process. He pushed your back into the mattress, hovering over you, settling between your legs with his hands splayed next to your face. You tried to catch his gaze but his eyes were glued to your lips.

His black hair fell into his eyes but you could still make out the way his pupils were fully blown. He licked his lips, leaning in to press one long, almost chaste kiss to your lips. You wanted to hold him there, to run your hands through his hair but he caught your wrist, pushing it next to your head into the pillow underneath you. You reluctantly let your other hand fall back on the bed next to your head, getting his message and he smiled appreciatively.

"That’s a good girl.” He purred, leaning down to press an open mouthed kiss against your jaw in reward.

You tilted your head to the side, silently urging him to move down further. He chuckled, his voice even rougher than before. You almost begged him to continue right then but bit your tongue at the last second.

His lips travelled along your jaw, only ghosting over your skin. You wanted more, you needed more. And your breath hitched when you felt his teeth sink into the junction between your neck and shoulder, immediately running his tongue over the mark he made.

He only continued from there. His lips travelled further down, nipping and sucking mark after mark into your skin. 

You felt his free hand snake underneath your back, unclasping your bra and dragging the straps down your arms at an agonizingly slow pace before taking it off completely and throwing it off to the side.

Your head fell back against the mattress as his lips pressed against the underside of your breasts first before he started spreading small nibbles and bites along the valley of your breasts. You tried to shift under him, hissing when he bit down on your tender skin as a warning.

You had lost count of how many bite marks Wonwoo had left on you. His teasing beginning to become too much. You needed more, it was driving you insane. 

His lips left your skin as he looked up at you through his dark bangs, the look in his eyes so intense you nearly fell faint. “Have you learned your lesson little one?” 

You nodded your head quickly, wanting nothing more than for him to finally fuck you. But a quiet yelp left your lips when his hand spanked your thigh. 

“What did I say about using your words, babygirl?” Wonwoo finally growled.

“Yes I’ve learned my lesson! I’m sorry I broke the rules Wonwoo I promise I’ll behave!” You cried out, needing him to do something. Anything.

It seems that’s all he needed hear before his lips crashed into yours. He slid his hands from your thighs to your ass, grabbing it firmly and rolling his hips into yours. A moan escaped your lips at the contact, Wonwoo taking the opportunity to shove his tongue into your mouth. He completely dominated the kiss and you loved it. 

With each roll of Wonwoo’s hips, that coil started tightening in your tummy. And before you could stop yourself, you snaked your hand between the both of you and palmed his length through his jeans. He didn’t immediately react, instead instinctively bucking into your hand. You rewarded him with another firm squeeze before he caught himself, tearing your hand away from his crotch. In a heartbeat Wonwoo had you flipped to your stomach, his knee pressing into your ass. You felt his hand run down the length of your exposed back until he reached the hem of your panties. He hooked his index finger inside and let them snap against your skin, causing you to gasp in response before he finally pulled them down and off your legs. 

You felt as his fingers then dragged up your inner thigh, and you fisted the sheets underneath you in an attempt to maintain your sanity. You took your bottom lip between your teeth when his thumb ghosted over you slick folds. 

“Your already so wet, princess.” Wonwoo said in awe of the effect he had on you. 

You heard the faint unbuckling of his belt and unzipping of his jeans before you heard them hit the floor somewhere near where your clothes probably lay.

You felt Wonwoo’s body lean over you. He rested his weight on his right elbow near your head while his left hand firmly gripped your waist, pulling your ass up slightly to get a better angle. 

Almost all of your breath left your lungs when he slowly sheathed himself inside of you. He didn’t waste a second, pulling back out only to push you down into the mattress with his thrusts. His grip on your waist tightened, making sure he was quite literally fucking you into the mattress with every thrust of his hips. 

“Oh my god Wonwoo-” You moaned out, the sound of your moans only spurring him on further. His hand moved from your waist, snaking its way down between you two. He found your clit with ease and began rubbing quick circles against the little bundle of nerves. 

“Wonwoo... please- let me cum~” You were begging between breaths, between moans. Wonwoo’s grunts let you know that he was close too, his thrusts becoming sloppy.

“Fuck- cum for me. Hard.” He growled against your ear. 

That’s all it took for you to come completely undone underneath him. Your eyes squeezed shut as you screamed his name. Though it was muffled slightly by the pillow under you, Wonwoo could clearly hear you and that’s when he finally released inside you.

He continued to ride out your highs until you were completely spent. Only then did he pull out, admiring the way his cum mixed with yours and spilled out of you.

“You did so well, babygirl.” Wonwoo smiled, his arms wrapping around your waist as he nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Woo.” You sighed in content, silently adoring the feeling of his breath against your neck. 

You both laid there like that for a bit before Wonwoo carried you to his ensuite bathroom and clean you up. The whole time being so, so gentle and careful with you. A stark contrast to how he was just a moment ago. But you’d be lying if you said you didn't love it. You loved both this sweet side and the rough side of Wonwoo. 

You loved everything about him. 

• • •

Needless to say, you both slept in that following morning. 

And you would have slept in longer had Minghao not knocked on Wonwoo’s door, waking both you and him up.

“Alright we let you guys sleep. Now get your asses up we have a team meeting.” You heard Hao say before adding, “That’s if y/n can walk.” 

You both heard him laugh before he walked away, your cheeks heating up at the thought that they definitely all heard you last night. 

“Don’t worry, love. I’ll carry you downstairs if I have to.” You heard Wonwoo smirk against your skin before you groaned internally. But you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling.

This was certainly going to be an interesting team meeting.

• • •

A/N: HEY HEY PART THREE. Alright so my life is pretty hectic at the moment so I’m not sure when part 4 will be posted but it certainly won't take as long as this one did. Thank you all my lovelies for reading! I love you guys and will be posting the next installment of Heaven or Hell soon as well! <3

[talesfromacrip]

more ehh thoughts (recent edition):

w o w

can’t even speak my damn mind anymore in this house I guess without getting the whole, ‘get out then if you don’t like it here. look for a section 8 place and blah, blahhhh’ speech.

the signature speech of my parents when I get on their ‘last nerves’..

all just for speaking my mind. lovely

all bc I said something in regards to something political my dad was talking about. then saying black lives matter after bc it was also apart of the conversation

(which is my opinion)

that word doesn’t sit well in my parents ears.. my dad to be specific apparently.

he then started saying I should just look for somewhere else to go and that if I say that again, something will happen. (not anything violent on me,but make me leave to somewhere else type of happen )

guess my parents (specifically my dad) wants me dead if he wants me to go out and find somewhere else to go. it’s not like, idk, i have a fucking immunocompromised system or anything like that ya know?? also.... during a fucking pandemic as well ?? helllloooo, old man?? i just don’t know anymore sometimes with my parents

caught me off guard a bit and hurt really fucking bad.. like, wow. if that’s how you feel, then let me go which you won’t and won’t admit.

used to it though which is silly to say, but I can’t do anything much about it even if i tried. so, I must deal for now anyway I can.

we settled our differences though which, I’m glad, but I hate that I was the first one to do it. shows how it is in my family at times

-

at least my mom and few friends are on my side. ridiculous to be treated like this for having a fucking opinion.  

doesn’t help either to get teased about it. like I haven’t been most of my life already ya know, shit.

sick of this house sometimes. the people in it, I should say.. sigh

———

———

I feel like I’m not, as ‘feminine’ as a lady should be. adds to my existing body probsss

can’t put makeup on. can’t get my nails done. can’t use bath bombs. can’t use facial creams or certain acne products. can’t buy clothes I’d like to shape my body and whatnot.. it goes onnnn. I would like to do what a lady likes to feel/look her absolute best ya know.

I can’t though. trying?????which doesn’t really go anywhere much tbh

I have an unused makeup palette and lippies going to absolute waste in my drawer.

which, cost me gooood money bc gooood brand. treat myself.

to see it go to waste though,is heartbreaking...

I could be using it now during the pandemic,but I have no one to help me with it. I can’t do it myself with my fucked up arms/hands either so that’s a nope.

my mom won’t help me and I’ve asked. she has more important things to do than make me look like a little clowns spawn.

I have so many ideas and I can’t execute them as I’d like. never can and it hurts. maybe on a drawimg, but having it applied to your face is a much better experience. very relaxing as well,but to take off.. that’s a process

doesn’t help that I’m told I’d look better with it as well, which totally helps my self esteem ya know. "it suits your moon face and covers those acne bits.."

fucking hell.. like, let me be.

guess not though it seems :lllllll

-

I feel gross about my skin.. dry and flaky at times from my medication and bc my body is a lil ass. it’s fucking oily on occasions as well.. ughhh. a whole nightmare, in my opinion

small acne scars,pimples from an imbalanced body in miscellaneous spots and places where they shouldn’t be.. I hate it.

I cannot look at myself without wanting to scream sometimes. I just stare and flip through a plethora of thoughts until I’m sitting there watching myself cry

I can’t buy the right skin products without suffering a break out or some kind of allergic reaction either. that’s how ‘sensitive’ i am.. ughh and people think it’s sooo fucking easy to take care of your skin.

help me out then and do it for me instead of telling me when I’ve said why I couldn’t in the first place..

fucking shit

-

I use to do my nails and paint them different colors almost every other week or so when I was younger. that was when I could move them to a certain extent. now i just can’t much for that. maybe?but I don’t want to risk twisting my wrist again. which, oddly helped a bit, but I’m not risking it

can’t even paint my right hand without leaning into a terrible spine position bc of my curled in fingers. it’s "so easy" though.my big ass it is

so, I just leave them bare nowadays

I have chipped and or broken nails anyway from fidgeting and anxiety. so, that’ll get in the way when they’re colored

sigh

-

bath bombs are the most elegant form of hygienic self care. a bubbly concoction for your skin to dip in.. ughhhh. sounds so relaxing and funnn

can’t sit in a fucking tub though to enjoy it and I don’t have the walk in ones. just a plain walk in shower. every time I see someone post about them, I melt inside. so pretty with the glitter fragments and the colorsss...mm

how I wish I could endure a porcelain tub to soak and forget about the world for a moment.

I can dream, but that still hurts as well.

-

I used to wear slim fitting tops for my stomach bc I was one of the chubby ones ya know.

now, I want to use them more bc my body doesn’t look how I thought it would be at my age. due to medication and lack of movement, just made it worse and it’s not my fault. feels like it is though and I tried. still am and it’s been hard lately with the pandemic. massive buying spells again so, some healthy goods are not available.

apparently though it seems nowadays being ‘thicc’ is in when years before it was absolutely frowned upon.

I got teased for being ‘thicc’ and now I’m somewhat getting praised for it?? kinda weird circus did I buy tickets for? unless I didn’t??

like, what do y’all mean, now it’s in????? stop being such a rude wad of shit and quit playing with people like this.

I don’t know what to accept much anymore and it’s bothers me so damn much

even if you do get praised,you must meet the standards. with some that is, I should say. must be at least some sort of skinny. some sort of, shaped being that I don’t really want to explain bc I feel it’s obvious.

some disabled folks are almost never in this section and when so, seems very fetishized.

hopefully this paints a small picture or whatever size you prefer your canvas to be. I’ve already talked about my body and more like this just gets me upset

———

———

uggh why are people still making stupid party plans, going to crowded places and doing other irresponsible shit... during a fucking pandemic?? It’s literally s o fucking irritating.

these people do not grasp this it seems, but ooooooohhh. gotta go out and risk it for someone who doesn’t even care about my health,others and even themselves.

fucking dumb

-

funny to see them complain about being home and all bc of this. like, how do you think I’ve felt and countless other disabled folks like me? sucks h u h. no freedom to go anywhere for risk of a fucking accident or worse, d e a t h.

it’s easy as hell to stay home and keep yourself occupied but apparently it’s a big ass deal

read, write, draw, cook, c l e a n. go out in your, idk, backyard as your outside relief?? is it really that b a d of a need to go somewhere??

especially when eventually it’ll drain you and you’ll eventually go back h o m e anyway ??t’s ridiculous.

"you should be thankful you can even go out."

yeah, to appointments, groceries, and concerts o n l y.

I don’t have the fucking privilege to go out at my own leisure and when I do, I have to plan like a mf.

it’s not easy. can’t drive. van is always busting on us. parents are my only source of a ride. can’t even generally go out anywhere bc of stupid stairs and all that.

I swear. every time I see a friend, mutual or family put something like that.. irritates me. I wanna comment so bad,but I don’t want to start anymore drama.

maybe soon I will. who fucking knows

———

———

i miss shows and all, but I just don’t as much.

I’m paranoid to think of going to future ones now..

I’ve already missed a majority of concerts my whole childhood and teen years due to my disability.

I don’t want to miss out on my young adult life now that I’m somewhat in a ��better state’ bc some of y’all don’t want to be cautious and follow rules.

shows are therapeutic for me, but idk anymore now if it’s makimg me like this

disabled folks like myself who enjoy these shows are in so much fucking danger, it’s ridiculous.

we already were anyways with moshing and all.. which I know some act like they don’t know.

y’all are so desperate to go like, what about the other fandom folks who can’t even attend these shows though?? sad

these lives performances some artists have been doing are perfect and we need to support them more with this format. encourage the fuck out of them like the do to us with their music and whatnot.

I was so fucking thankful DGD did one.

it was a great time, but not so great when everyone is like, but what about an ‘actual show’?

it’s just, never enough with some of the fans I swear. irritating

yeahhh ,lets risk the fuckin band/bands getting sick so they can play for us. yasssss. shows how much they read up on the members and care about their health/wellbeing.

———

———

being sober brings back a lot of suppressed memories. nights are bit hard when going through this

makes me remember quite a bit of conversations that others have probably or most likely have forgotten by now as well

irritating and sad. that’s how I get some of my dreams as well which cause lack of sleep at timessss y a y

———

———

I, over share too much at times it seems.. how the hell do people want to know me though????

if I’m making the situation, odd or whatever, fucking tell me instead of ignoring it and trying to move on with some stupid shit

if I can fucking sit through y’alls oversharing.. can with fucking mine

———

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do and say..

I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. this is wearing me out I swear to fucking god

I put some of my eggs in the wrong basket.. again

ohhh fucking boooyyy

least it’s a good basket..

———

sometimes I feel so uneducated when taking with friends. my mind is like a fucking mad libs book on new game plus.

it’s blanks out and replaces important vocabulary with some silly childish shit instead

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Me Myself and i....Oh and the rest. 13/06/20

There are multiple of me. 

So the title might confuse some no one still really knows about this condition but I have DID or Dissociative identity disorder I have four alternative personalities which all represent a part of my life its hard having DID especially when one of your alters is a two-year-old.

There are some trigger warnings towards self-harm suicidal mentions eating disorder mentions, with a side of abuse mentions ooh and also sprinkle of sexual assault. WOOHOO, that sounds like a fun one a walk in the park.. .ohh there might be ducks...ill get some bread...

Having DID is weird when you can zone out, and one of your alters can take control over everything you do and say you can zone out in the kitchen and zone back in and you could have destroyed a whole city and blew the world up and be butt naked in front of thousands of people (that was a good afternoon).

I am joking for disclaimer usage.

But there you go I said it I have DID. I haven't wanted to admit it, but I have currently four alternative personalities so five people in me head 

I will talk about the alters and what they represent I will talk about them and use images that my friend drew of them he is the only one that knows.

I have Stripe, Blue, Cody and Eliza they all live in my head and like… (SENTENCE BEGAN DRUNK, MAYBE FINISH LATER?)

Stripe

He represents my depression and suicidal thoughts. He will very often take over and cut me. It's horrible I can be doing a normal thing and then boom he takes over he is a lot like me, but he looks like a demon his red glowing eyes are staring at me right now I wish he'd fuck off. He and Eliza are both bad alters that try to hurt and kill me multiple times. Stripe has taken over and gone on walkies and self-harmed he talks to me most the day lingering over my shoulder telling me I'm better off dead and he is the reason for all of my impulses. It's hard having DID I've said that thousands of times now but it is, okay? I hate it. I wish I never had it. He makes a good impression of me. He's a demon who can fly.

One time he took overtook one of my knives and cut my arm, my friend walked in and stopped it, he tried to walk away from it like nothing had happened. Still, he didn't get away with it as my friend took it away and hugged me until I retook control he's been a part of me for years now I don't remember exactly when I developed my DID, but I think it must have been since I was about 16 so there you go. Four years.

A lot of the time his high pitched squeal penetrates my ears with his whispers of 'you're not good enough' and 'your friends hate you' his claws dig deeper onto my shoulder and grips me harder every time I don't listen to him, and all I'm left with is the shadow of the sheer guilt taking over my whole life.

He looks like a demon he has a stripe all down the middle of his body, and his eyes sometimes glow in the night he says a lot of stuff things he knows will hurt me. He has horns on his head and is constantly trying to get me to cut myself and convince me that I need to feel the relief and pain while the blade kisses my skin and slices my wrists up. He stops me doing things I enjoy like, for example, musical theatre there was this person there who was a snake. He always said she's going to do it again you're going to be sexually assaulted again if you go outside.

I asked what the person that knows about this and what they said it is like when Stripe takes over:

"When Stripe takes over, it's very creepy. I can look in the eyes of my best friend, someone I love, and it's not them in that head. It's someone… something else. Stripe usually tries to pretend to be Dino, but he never expresses any emotion except hate, which is how I know its not my Dino in there. He never says stuff like "love you" or even "I'm alright". He's a dickhead basically."

Eliza

She's a lot like Stripe, but she represents my eating disorders she also doesn't like it when I'm happy she's around a lot when my eating disorders are present she's a skinny demon her ribs are present like she wants me to be she dislikes people who like me and she doesn't think I deserve my friends or my food she's not a good alter and she works with Stripe they work closely together and try to take me down, so I drown in a massive wave of depression and suicide unable to breathe under the weight of living and the weight of my shitty past. So again, all I want to feel is the sweet relief of the pain that they make me think I deserve.

Eliza only recently came back as taking over, so the person does not know anything about her really has never experienced her first hand.

I realized at this point of the blog that I can't add pictures to blogger or tumbler so funnn I'll add my YouTube channel where I will post pictures of them there.

Another update as I'm editing I will upload it when I have a chance.

Cody

He is the protector of my alters he comes out to protect me he's kind caring he took over when terrible events happened in my life he represents my creative side he is also my anxiety the part of me that feels anxious. He doesn't do what Stripe does and make me anxious, but he is forced to feel anxious. He takes over a lot when I'm doing coding or feel very anxious that it's overwhelming. He's friendly and looks after my other alter a lot Blue who is two.

He has only recently come back he was a part of my life in college but when Stripe came in Stripe killed a lot of my alters, and he was the only one left hence why I fell into a deep depression at that point, and Cody went.

Cody enjoys coding drawing music I gave up drawing as I believed I was shit I still do but oh well when Cody takes over that doesn't matter so drawing it is then. He takes over when he feels I'm in pain mentally, or in danger from myself, he cares a lot about me and others.

Cody is again a demon but a nice one, of course, he always is listening to music or drawing or wrestling a two year old oops. Still, he has made friends with a lot of my friends without them knowing his voice is slightly different to mine. He is anxious but very chill at the same time he has never hurt me or anyone he took over when the most traumatizing events have happened to me to save the wrath of the trauma train crashing as there was an overwhelming amount of trauma. Hence, he took some of the wrath for me to save destruction. So in a way, me and Cody share the same trauma, and we can relate even though he's in my head.

It's quite funny sometimes I forget people cannot see them so ill say to my friend 'hey look over there at one of my alters, and they have to remind me that he's not really well to them but are in my head they feel so real.

Here is what my friend said about Cody…….

"Cody is a really cool friend. When we are texting, he usually lets me know if it's him, and in-person he has a slightly different, more chilled-out voice than Dino, even when he is anxious. He also has a cool necklace on a leather cord that Dino never wears, but Cody likes to put on when he takes over. He always calls me "bro" and he's just a really nice wholesome guy, a lot like Dino to be fair, but they're very clearly different people."

                              Blue

Okay so here we go blue is a two year a lot alter shes hyperactive and energetic she is called blue because when she first started to emerge, I used to just laugh and be unable to talk or anything so being a computer nerd, I named her blue after the Blue screen of death every ICT students nightmare…*shivers*

So yeah that's how she got her name, and oh yea did I mention she can set things on fire… well yeah, she can she sets Stripe on fire a lot shes scared of him, but sometimes she gets the courage and will not hesitate to set him on fire…and her attention span oh looks a tree where was  I forgot? Oh yeah, attention span she doesn't have one. I think she's incapable of having one she is very close to my friend and also Cody my other alter I talked about him above unless you lazy bugger have skipped down to this bit then you don't know but find out read above.

But yeah that's blue.

Here is what my friend said about Blue….

"Blue is ADHD as in she is the personification of ADHD. She's a really cute little two-year-old, but she doesn't have any concept of consequences for her actions, and no impulse control so she can be tricky to manage, especially when she's excited. We recently got her a pacifier to suck on and she always tries to get it as soon as she's in control. She's also obsessed with balls, so we got her a big, yellow bouncy ball too. Me and Dino spent hours building a fort once, which Blue managed to completely demolish in about five seconds. Her response was to say "oops" laugh her ass off, and then giggle "bye-bye" with a massive, very proud grin, and collapse, leaving Dino to wake up and be very, very confused about what the fuck was going on. As difficult as she can be to manage (she's a two-year-old with the strength of a twenty-year-old, it's a fight to keep her from tearing the building apart) she is a really, wholesome, and adorable little kid. I love Blue very, very much, and she actually calls me "Dada" which is pretty cute."

So there you go my alters. Welcome to my brain there are five people in my head including me it gets crowded sometimes and annoying when you're trying to rest, and all you can hear is a two year a lot screaming ball every 5 seconds, but they are apart of me, and I would not change them for the world well maybe stipe and Eliza but at the same time they make me who I am today they are me in my head they are my personality.

DID is a strange mental illness to have its strange to have five people in my head anytime another could emerge I used to have more but Stripe killed them I had Rosie and mae. Rosie was like blue and mae was like Cody, but they aren't there anymore who knows they might be hiding like Cody did I kind of hope so I miss mae she was based off of a character out of a night in the woods I do miss her but oh well.

So there you go another blog of reasons I should be institutionalized  because I am a danger to myself and could kill myself at any given moment.

Disclaimer that's a kinda joke…… mostly ……90%......... Nah……….99%... #Mentally unstable...fun.

Stay strong you bootiful bean.

Love you 

Dino the Dyslexic Blogger xxx

 Some helpline as usual for DID

Nhs https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dissociative-disorders/

This morning (I know I know but it looks helpful… don’t judge me) https://www.itv.com/thismorning/dissociative-disorders-helplines

Mind- https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/dissociative-disorders/

Survivors network https://survivorsnetwork.org.uk/resource/dissociative-identity-disorder-d-i-d/