#i need to find a way to articulate it all

[alchemistc]

Part One

Oh, I've got plenty to be thankful for

I've got eyes to see with

Ears to hear with

Arms to hug with

Lips to kiss with

Someone to adore

-bing crosby

He keeps waiting for someone to say something. To accuse him of lingering where he doesn't belong, or remind him he'd never actually made it all the way in. To tell him to go home, maybe get a halfhearted promise to let him know how Buck is at some point.

Maddie lays an exhausted head on his shoulder and Bobby sneaks him a slice of pumpkin pie he's apparently been hiding in the tote at his feet. Hen tosses him a power bank with a lightning cord and Karen makes a joke about his holiday attire.

When the coffee comes, Howie takes the trip to the lobby with him, pulls out his wallet and does his damnedest to strong arm Tommy into letting him tip the haggard looking girl another twenty bucks on top of the fifty Tommy'd figured was appropriate for having to balance a literal stack of hot beverages from the parking lot on Thanksgiving. She eyes them both with a smile and Tommy is more compelled the grab the drink carriers from her tired arms than stop Howie.

They're halfway back when Howie purposely slows his pace, and Tommy fights the urge to pick his up and avoid whatever's coming down on him. "So. Was this the wake up call you needed, or can I expect Buck to order a freezer on a Black Friday deal for my garage to store more baked goods?"

He doesn't know what that means.

He can extrapolate, though. "He's been baking?"

"Tommy, I cannot stress enough exactly how much he's been baking."

He'd tried his hand at a few things here and there, but Tommy's used to experimental chef Evan Buckley, not baking Evan Buckley. To be fair, if he'd seen Evan working a KitchenAid, apron tied loose and flour on a cheekbone, Tommy doubts he'd have actually had the time to finish whatever he had planned. That was then, of course.

"What was he doing on that trail, Howie?" That, too, he could maybe extrapolate. He doesn't want to, but he could.

Howie eyes him. Uses his free arm to elbow Tommy in the ribs. "You were the first person he ever invited to a 118 Thanksgiving, you know. My guess? He wasn't in the mood to be reminded of it while there was no room in the oven to bake away his feelings."

Yeah.

Jax had been over the moon when Tommy offered to take his shift, no trades necessary. What would the point have been, when Christmas and New Year's would be unbooked too?

Evan had bribed like six different people to ensure they'd be able to swing dinner on the day. Hobbes had sounded so thrilled to hear Tommy asking for the time off that he'd approved it without even looking at the shift.

"I'm just warning you in advance. The grovelling process is gonna involve eating your weight in loaves, most likely."

And that's that, apparently. No heavy handed warnings, no suspicion about why Tommy hasn't fucked off yet. Like it's some foregone conclusion that Tommy's not gonna panic and bolt a second time. Nothing has changed, yet Tommy gets the feeling they're all expecting some tearful reunion and a return to TommyandBuck.

Tommy slips the tea into Maddie's hands and watches her sniff it in distaste, which is an interesting nugget he'll have to revisit later if -

If.

There's no guarantees, here. That Tommy will be able to articulate how fucking terrified he is, that Evan will understand it. That the two of them will find a way through it together. All he has to go on is a solo hike on a day Evan should have been with family, an apparent bakery full of feelings spread between the 118, and the quiet calm that had washed over him when Eddie prompted him to make a decision.

Feet to the fire, he'd stayed.

---

Maddie's pregnant. It hits him between the eyes right around hour three of sit-and-wait. He's not an idiot, or a fool, and he hasn't spoken to any of these people in weeks so he's not going to announce it to the world, but somewhere in between the sporadic naps on Tommy's shoulder and the way she is attempting (failing) to power through her now cold tea makes him think. She and Bobby had driven here, and it's clear everyone else had been indulging. Maddie's no lush, but he's seen her knock back half a bottle of wine before when she's got nowhere to be.

She excuses herself to the bathroom for a third time, looking a little green, and Tommy ends up locked in a staring contest with Howie that only ends when Tommy mimes zipping his lips.

He still hasn't gotten the story about Eddie and why he's not here.

Bobby and Athena are apparently closing in on a new house.

Howie is less than a year away from having a second kid.

Athena's kids are apparently at Howie and Maddie's, attempting to keep Mara and Jee from destroying the house in the absence of adults.

And Tommy wants.

Wanting has never really been the problem, though. Wanting is the easy part. Wanting doesn't get him over the hurdle of knowing he's not enough. For Evan, for this family he's built that just keeps growing bigger and bigger. It'd been a relief, those first few days after, not to have to wonder which member of the 118 would land in the hospital next, not to have to rearrange something else on his schedule because Evan was convinced he was cursed, or Eddie'd had another shitty call with Christopher.

The relief hadn't lasted. A week in, he'd stayed up all night demolishing the half-bath off his dining room, because he'd been putting it off for months and he'd nearly texted Evan something that was startlingly revealing and left him exposed on all sides. Two weeks in he'd finished grouting the backsplash in his kitchen. And in between, he wondered how Eddie was doing, if he'd made any progress with his son. He'd wondered if Maddie enjoyed the bottle of wine they'd brought back from a spur of the moment trip to Napa. He'd wondered how Nash was doing, if he was readjusting to having his crew and his station back. He wondered how Hen and Karen were, how many things Denny had already gotten stuck in his cast trying to ease an itch.

He'd wondered, and he'd sat in it, and then he'd rewired the shoddy work an electrician had done in his spare room that he kept telling himself he'd get around to.

The wanting never goes away. He just finds new places to put it when he starts to care too much.

"Kinard and Buckley?"

Maddie's still in the restroom. Tommy - has no fucking clue why the nurse is staring at them like they'll just materialize the right people. She sucks in her lips and gives him a dead eyed stare before her eyes dart to his chest. More specifically, the nameplate on his chest.

Tommy blinks.

---

The having is where he's always floundered. Things are temporary. People are temporary. He's always been borrowing. Borrowing time, attention, affection.

For a few months there, he'd really started to think he could handle the having. That he'd get to keep it.

---

"I'm Buckley, he's Kinard," Maddie says from somewhere over his left shoulder, and he turns in time to see her adjusting her jacket, wiping at her lip. She stabilizes, looking unfazed, and stands tall. As tall as she can, at least. "You have news about my brother?"

The nurse glances around the room. No one is bothering to pretend not to be listening. Maddie hovers a wave behind her.

"Ignore the audience, we're all waiting with bated breath to see how obnoxious my brothers going to be. It depends entirely on whether or not he gets pie tonight."

She gives them all a disapproving look. This must not be one of their normal nurses.

Christ. They have normal nurses.

"Well, no pie tonight, but he should be able to eat a sandwich in the morning."

He's fine. He's fine.

Tommy knew going in that most of his injuries were superficial. The ribs had been a concern but with the pain meds and the collar he hadn't really had a chance to exacerbate those injuries. There's no reason he should feel quite so relieved to know that Evan will have a few annoying splints to work around and he'll probably need to rehab his ankle for a couple weeks once it's healed. The concussion isn't ideal, and he'll need help for a few days, but he's fine.

Tommy can feel the tears building.

"He'll likely be out for a few more hours, but I'll let you know when he's set up in a room. Two visitors at a time," she warns. "The concussion will effect his response time. Don't be surprised if he doesn't remember much, loses his train of thought."

Hen shifts somewhere behind him. It feels a bit like she's being held back from correcting the nurse about the normal side effects.

Things move on around him. The nurse leaves, Hen passes a Stanley cup around that definitely isn't filled with water, the normal sigh of relief is released while Maddie drops into the seat next to him with a groan, the team has a strange competition around him to battle for visitor position.

Tommy breathes.

I should go, Tommy thinks to himself, as half the people in the room raise their phones.

His own phone vibrates against his thigh.

A message from Howie, time stamped two minutes - Tommy squints to make sure - two minutes ago, an update on Evan. Another from Eddie reminding them all to give Buck a patent Eddie look from him while they were giving him shit. A selfie of Eddie, with Christopher somewhat reluctantly bending into the picture over his shoulder.

In another thread, he's got three messages from Eddie.

If I have to remove you from this group I'm sending my kid after you with his crutches.

You guys hiked Griffith Park for your Not-A-One-Month-Anniversary-We-Swear date, right?

Send Buck my love. Not like that, though.

Tommy sends back: When the fuck did he add me to his emergency contacts? and then decides he doesn't want to know anyway so he turns off his phone.

---

Maddie goes alone, and Tommy spends the time alternating between tapping his foot against the tile to distraction, and clamping his hand over his knee in an attempt to stop the tapping.

Bobby and Athena go next, then Hen and Karen. Then they're pulling on jackets and promising to save a plate for Buck.

Howie slips away for a few minutes and then returns, looking amused. "You think everyone else got the same greeting?" he asks his wife, who grins tiredly at him, pats his wrist. Her gaze turns to Tommy.

"Should we stay?"

That's a trap of a question. That's an assumption Tommy doesn't have a clue how to handle. He clears his throat. Shakes a few curls loose.

"What makes you think he'd want me to?"

Maddie's perfected the unimpressed eyebrow. It must be a parent thing.

Tommy barely holds in the sigh. "Go enjoy your meal."

---

Evan's been watching the door. It's clear the moment Tommy makes it to the threshold - he presses up, winces, tips sideways just enough to peek around the corner.

"Tommy," he says, and his expression melts.

Tommy's heard some iteration of that name a million times. Tom, from his dad. Tommy, fond and quiet from his mother, who'd never really learned how to speak up before she was gone. Thomas, in school, from teachers annoyed that he wouldn't just apply himself.

He was Kinard, to teammates, then fellow soldiers, to the firefighters he'd worked alongside for a decade before he ever let any of them know him.

No one says his name with quite so much reverence as Evan Buckley. He's convinced himself, over the last few weeks, that he'd been hearing adulation in that tone. But now it just sounds...relieved. Happy.

Evan slumps back and tries to cross his arms in a pout. There are too many cords and wires attached to him for it to work. "I'm pretty sure I'm mad at you," he says, and Tommy steps over the threshold.

---

Hobbes sounds fucking thrilled to find out he's going to be down a pilot for five days.

Evan throws a fit when he finds out Tommy's plan is to sleep on his own couch for the short duration of Evan's stay. Evan wins the proceeding argument and doesn't even complain that Tommy hadn't argued too hard

Bobby brings over enough leftovers to keep them in turkey sandwiches for a week, and Tommy doesn't think to ask how he got Tommy's address.

Tommy breathes. Tommy thinks. Once Evan can hold a train of thought for more than five minutes, Tommy talks.

Evan listens.

---

"So no Christmas," Evan pouts, and Tommy wants to bite it. "And no New Year's."

Tommy shifts a hand over his shoulder, tucks his chin over top of it so he can't see the pout anymore. "We were both already working those anyway."

"Do people do anything to celebrate Presidents Day?"

"Evan."

"Tommy," Evan mocks, and pulls far enough away to catch his gaze. "In the interest of transparency that was mostly a cover so I didn't ask about Valentine's Day."

"Is this you not asking about Valentine's Day?"

His smile is deceptively sweet. "I need help with my sandwich."

Tommy's seen him balancing a glass of water, his phone, two books and a takeout bag in his one good hand. He's absolutely full of shit.

Tommy leans forward to grab the sandwich off Evan's plate for him.

---

"You should stay," Tommy says, an hour after midnight two days into the new year. He's tipsy on his second glass of cheap champagne and he can't think of a reason to keep this in, anymore. Evan crinkles a brow at him.

"I... wasn't planning to go?"

There's a gold crown perched in his curls, and Tommy still hasn't taken the cheap plastic 2025 glasses off. The house is quiet, and there'd been shockingly few fires started by fireworks this year, so he's less tired than he'd expected to be.

"I meant -." Tommy starts, and then pauses. "I meant permanently. You should live here."

Evan laughs. Takes a bite out of his cake, and rolls his eyes, and then...stops. His entire body stills. "What."

It's ridiculous. The very thing that had pushed Tommy up out of his seat just a few months ago, sent him out the loft door with wet eyes and a heaviness in his heart.

"Tommy," Evan prompts, and Tommy catches the hand frozen on the countertop. He'd planned to hold this back, wait until something significant or poignant. But Evan had baked them a red velvet cake and argued with him the entire drive back from dinner about the proper way to fold a towel, and Tommy's tired of denying this isn't everything he's refused to let himself want for decades.

"You don't have to say yes just to confirm you're not breaking up with me," he tries to joke, and it falls flat.

"Tommy," Evan murmurs, quieter but more insistent.

"I'm serious. I want you here. I want -."

"Yes," Evan says, and squeezes his hand before he ducks his head bashfully. "Sorry. Continue."

"I want a life with you." The tears tickle at the back of his throat. He's gonna fucking cry, again. He'd always fucking known opening himself up to this was just an invitation for more tears in his life.

He can't quite convince himself the rest doesn't make them worth it.

"Yes. Again. Tommy, of course." He tips his chin. Purses his lips. "If you're sure."

Tommy swallows down the lump in his throat. He's never been more sure or more terrified of anything in his life. So he tells him so.

The words are like knives, but he works his way through the soreness, fights up past the fear that he's not sure will ever completely go away, and claws past the reminder that it's been a blink of an eye since Tommy walked out on this.

"Well. You can't walk out of your own house," Evan points out when he's finished, and of all things, it's that that snaps the tension of for once in his life prioritizing something other than fucking survival. He tips a grin, curls his elbow to bring their entwined hands to his lips. "It's gonna take years to coordinate another Thanksgiving with everyone," he bemoans, looking suspiciously watery-eyed himself as he holds Tommy's own wet gaze.

Tommy can extrapolate from that.

[httpstes]

Synastry observations/thoughts ll┊͙ ˘͈ᵕ˘͈

(Overlays)

ღ Venus/Moon overlaying 4H

The familiar placement.

When ones Venus/Moon overlays your 4H there is a mutual level of comfortability between the two. Either partner in the relationship (or both) felt a strong almost familial connection to the other. This doesn’t mean you necessarily see each other as family but rather you both enjoy the others presence due to the fact there’s no need to hide your true selves, knowing you won’t be judged.

When I see this overlay between two people, I just know that there is an unbreakable bond, one that no one else can necessarily understand unless they were you. Whether the relationship between the person you share this overlay with is a positive one or not, this placement definitely can tell me that it’s hard to not see this person in your life, it’s hard to imagine a life without them, or that it’s hard to forget them after everything. The bond two individuals with this overlay have is remarkable. Both in good and bad, there is always a need to just have them there in your life. They’re the person that you can come back home to, the person you can call after several weeks of not being in contact, and nothing changes. No matter how far away these individuals may be from each other, or how many years it’s been, there is always some tie held between them, and when they reunite it feels as though everything has fallen back into place.

This connection can be traumatic for some, and even in those cases, you will always find yourself looking back to the moments you shared with them simply because of how much of an impact they had on you as an individual. You cant imagine how life would be without them storming into your life, because that reality doesn’t exist. They’re presence is familiar to you, you don’t have to act or be someone else, you can be your authentic self without question, and because of that comfortability, you will always find yourself being drawn back.

ღMars/Jupiter overlaying 3H/9H

Dual pursuit for academic/spiritual enlightenment

Mars overlaying the 3H can go 1 of two ways. The mars person may be attracted to the 3H person due to the 3H person's intellect, the way they communicate, their opinions and ideas etc. The Mars person may even feel energised by the way the 3H person expressed their thoughts and beliefs. Mars could believe they are extremely articulate and eloquent in the way they speak and or write but in such a way that is passionate and adrenaline-inducing for them. The 3H person here could find inspiration through the Mars person, especially if it comes to creative works (writing, art, poems, music singing etc), if not creatively then the Mars person could make the 3H individual feel more energised to get work done and to be as driven towards their goals as the ambitious mars individual. The second way this could go could actually be more of a competitive dynamic. I’ve noticed a lot of siblings have this overlay, as well as those who academically compete with their friend. This overlay definitely brings the raw competitive nature of our psyche out, and so these two individuals could get involved in heated arguments, debates often times their differing opinions and personal stances being the root and cause. The Mars person here could instead of inspiring, incite negative feelings from the 3H individual, as the 3rd houser could feel attacked by the Martian. Even if it’s not the Mars persons intention they may come off a bit too passionate for the 3rd house. The Martian could think that the 3rd houser is too all over the place and possibly too open-minded. The Mars person could view the 3rd house individual as a person with no backbone, no solidified opinions or stances (this could be especially true if it’s regarding religion of politics). This obviously could create tension in the relationship as the fierce Mars is loyal and knows where they stand in their opinions and beliefs whilst the 3H likes to wait for more lingering information to come to light.

Jupiter overlaying an individuals 9H illustrates a relationship focused on mutual growth, shared experience and understanding. Jupiter is at home in the 9th house as it’s co ruled by Sagittarius and Pisces, this allows for individuals to have a more easier connection when it comes to understanding deeper topics such as spirituality, philosophy, religion. This overlay allows for two individuals to explore and understand more difficult topics together. Most importantly it’s a placement that shows mutual learning and pursuit for experience therefore asking questions is met with acceptance regardless if the topic or question is absurd. The 9th house individual could be attracted to the optimism and faith held so strongly by the Jupiter person. This optimism is very much welcomed by the 9th house individual and can even help them when in times of doubt for pursuing something that may seem grandiose. Jupiter IS grandiose and they admire the vision or works of the 9th house individual and want to be apart of it. This pairing has the potential to work very well together in academic settings, religious or political settings. This is due to the patience and acceptance held by both parties as well as the insatiable hunger for wisdom in pursuit of truth.

ღNorth Node overlaying 12th house/8th house/4th house (water houses)

North Node overlaying any one of the water houses holds a deep profound sense of emotional connection and possible past karmic ties.

North node overlaying the 12th house indicates a mutual belief that both people feel spiritually connected to the other. This is something I've noticed in synastry and composite charts amongst best friends and lovers alike. Even if separated and no longer together, both individuals may still yearn for the same connection that somewhat felt fated, beyond our world's understanding. This connection definitely is giving platonic/romantic soulmates. On the downside, both individuals could be keeping secrets from the other, particularly the 12th house person and this can lead to a lot of miscommunication and lies. Even if the 12th house person doesn't mean it there could be this mutual understanding that the other just knows what they're feeling, however of course this doesn't play out that way all the time and can lead to strong pent-up feelings (most of the time negative) if not communicated healthily. This pair can often dream about the other and even connect in the dream realm, further pushing the belief that their connection is out of this world. I've also noticed at the beginning of the connection of this pair that there is somewhat of an addictive pull or obsessive tendency to hang out together all the time, but once this honeymoon phase ends it settles into something comfortable where now you don't have to be together all the time. There is a magnet pull here and even if you don't come into contact again (likely you both do) there is this sense of yearning for the other, even if the connection is unstable or toxic. With South Node overlaying the 6th house in a past connection/past life connection, both could have definitely been coworkers, or even a duo working hard to give their services for the benefit of others. The 6H-NN synastry shows mutual hardship and understanding for operating in a similar line of work. Both may have had to give themselves up for a greater cause and not focus much on their connection. Of course, they are bonded by mutual respect and compassion for what both work for/deal with. However, they are pushed now/this current life to focus more on themselves and their connection. As in the past/previous life,e much of their time was spent giving to others, now however they are able to learn to give back to themselves. This moves away from the service-oriented 6H to the isolated 12H. Both past and current have themes surrounding healing, just in different ways.

North Node overlaying the 8th house is still just as deep as the other houses but with less focus on the spiritual otherworldly connection. This is a synastry involving possible codependence and ties to finances depending on the other. In some cases, I've noticed one individual in this pair tends to lend their material items (whether it be money, clothes, food etc) to the other, and negative is not reciprocated. However, I've also seen where shared resources are reciprocated but I've seen this in healthier dynamics. In this connection the 8th house person may also confide a lot in the North Node individual, the NN being somewhat of a therapist lol. However, I've noticed the NN individual does not mind being vented to or helping the 8H person with their troubles and or trauma as it allows them to better understand the 8H individual and deepen the connection. NN individuals may want to learn everything they can about the 8H person. Both individuals may feel they just understand each other and don't feel the need to justify their actions. The 8H individual may have troubles with intimacy physically and or emotionally. They might struggle with opening up to others and letting their guard down. The NN individual may be one of the first to break down these barriers or allow the 8H person to heal through them. The North Node person however may be inclined to some kind of awakening (spiritual, psychological, physical etc), they are likely to be inspired by the 8H person's depth and life experience that they themselves transform and shift. With South Node in the 2nd house, much more of the financial dependence comes into play in the past/past life, themes surrounding taking the other's resources and depending on the other heavily show up. In a past connection, the 2nd house individual felt their confidence is somewhat dependent on the SN individual opinions/ideas, their self-esteem may have needed to be validated by the SN individual and this could have pressured the SN person to feel as though they're responsible for 2H individual's confidence. Both may have been deeply connected through shared values and morals, this factor being integral to their connection. With this in mind (SN-Past), they are now ready to move on and explore the depths of connection (8H) and away from the already established morals and material pursuit (2H).

North Node overlaying the 4H is somewhat similar to the Venus/moon overlaying the 4H in my opinion. This connection doesn't necessarily have to be a familial connection however that trust and bond that occurs with those you have familial connections to comes naturally with these two individuals. This is an overlay where both individuals feel very safe, especially the 4th house individual. They may feel unjudged, cared for, and nurtured by the NN individual. The house person could feel they have found a home with the other individual, however, this sentiment can go both ways. NN could remind the 4H individual of their own mother, or the mother they would've wanted. Even if it's not reminiscent of motherly love there is nurturing energy the NN exudes that allows for the 4H person to rest and feel at ease. With the South node in the 10th house, in childhood/past life, the 10H person could've been a mentor, a parent, or even a close colleague who gained a lot of respect and admiration from the SN individual. Upon first meeting, both individuals could view each other naturally on an equal level playing field, based on respect for the other.

ღAll my notes are personal observations and thoughts. I am not a professional astrologer and like to have a sense of whimsy in my life by looking at peoples charts, thankyou.

Went on a tangent during the NN/SN dynamics myb yall forgive me 🙏. Finally freed of the shackles high school had held me in. Free to do wtv now I'm back (still will post irregularly lol)

[mello-when-hi]

anways decieded that focusing on all the neg is cringe, gonna enjoy being in this community and getting excited over something that is genuinely fascinating

[ausradfem]

Hot take but I wish there was a bit more discourse on here about the complex feelings one has intersecting their radical feminism with their attraction/subsequent interest in dating men. I think there's a lot of radfems on here who live lives that are completely absent of having to interact with men and be around men (and some who just don't seem to go outside much at all, lol) who will point the hard finger at anyone who dares to talk about their nigel, and claim that separatism is the ONLY way forward. Time and time again, we know this isn't true. I fully support movements like 4b! I think its valuable and imperative that women decenter men, have their own spaces, put women first, etc.

But we also ~live in a society~ and complete separatism is not only incredibly unrealistic to strive for, but it relies so heavily on moral purantism that many just find off putting as its unobtainable for them. What moral puranitsm doesn't factor in is that people fall in love! We have feelings! We're human! And if you're OSA that means you have the possibility of finding you feel a way about a man that's out of your control.

As someone pointed out in the comments, several radical feminists that we often all quote on here had husbands, boyfriends, life partners that were men. Were those men magically better than men non-feminists date? Probably not. They might possess a certain level of respect for women that a lot of men don't, because (let's be real) most men will simply not put up with a woman who has, and practices, radical feminist beliefs. I also believe there's a lot of young women on here who don't exactly practice what they preach, and on one hand may espouse many radical feminist views while never calling out their boyfriend when he uses slurs or says things that are misogynistic. But this isn't every radfem, and it's silly to lump every radfem on here into that category.

Maybe I should be more open about my OSA, and give some more nuanced views on it (especially as I come from a background of DV), but thats for another post in the near future.

Long story short I think we gotta be a bit more..... complex? When talking about radfems who continue to date and love men. It's a much more weighty, multi-facted topic than things like beauty standards, which were created as a direct tool of oppression, and serve no value to women's lives. Males often don't, but you'd be insane to say that no women get enjoyment and fulfilment out of loving men. Lastly, I think opening up discourse about staying strong in your radical feminism encourages standards!! I know I started putting up with a lot less crap from men the more I read into radical feminism. Simply saying "don't date men" doesn't teach other women how to appropriately navigate:

- standing up for one's self in a relationship

- accurately communicating your needs, and to hold men accountable when they aren't men

- being selective with who you date, what to look for and avoid

- how to recognise signs of abuse

- how to garner healthy sexuality and pleasure for yourself

- how to centre your pleasure and fulfilment sexually, emotionally and mentally.

I could go on, but it's late here and I think I've articulated my point alright enough (:

i’ve noticed that radfems with boyfriends have this unspoken belief that they just know how to pick men and therefore they feel better than women who end up with shitty men or that they could never be a woman on the news that just got murdered by her boyfriend/husband… girl just because you haven’t caught ur man watching porn doesn’t mean he’s a good guy. It’s another level of pathetic to be in a space where the actions of men and how they treat women is a very popular topic and then believe ur man is somehow different because you don’t want to be alone……i’m so sorry to the separatists that sit and watch this shit….

[silverwhittlingknife]

"the fault, dear Brutus -" (Julius Caesar)

Quotes from A Critical History of English Literature by David Daiches. Panels from Death in the Family, Under the Red Hood, Lost Days, and Batman and Robin.

[hollownest-whore]

I had brainrot thoughts so I wrote abt some gibberish on the Herrah x Lurien au thing (sorry lol)

Lurien craves the PaleKing in ways that cannot simply be physical, it is transcendent feverish obsession it's pure infatuation with the power and grandeur of a being so unlike himself. The allure is where PK is so unlike him, and doesn't see him as much more then a follower, he is a follower. He isn't anymore obsessed then the kingsmoulds made with the express purpose to follow his every order or the white palace servants who would press their heads to the floor without being asked.

AND THAT'S WHY I LOOOOVE the subversion of Lurien becoming entangled with another bug! If you get me??? For Herrah and Lurien it is about that sense of deviation, I know he wouldn't fucking do that, and HE knows better then to do that. But for that small momment, when Herrah asks for just a night he gives into that buried sense of self. Not that he even acknowledges or cares about this repression, simply that he let's himself do anything other then dutifully serve his king (mostly for the fact he and Herrah are 'friends' and positive relations assist PK anyways). And during that one night he finds something terrifying within himself, outside of the constant comfort knowing what and who he was made for. Instead of feeling self assured, there deep deep down are cravings outside of PK. Ooooh it makes me giggle and kick my feet!!!! WAIITEEER more unwilling self discovery PLEEEAAASE!!!!!!!

In the AU both Lurien and Herrah are consistently transactional, Herrah arrives to the City of Tears for the PaleKing to mull over her request, waits it out. Hooks up with Lurien and leaves until PK reconsidered the next cycle or so. Something something Lurien watching everything while ignorant of himself, theres the themes of Herrah being beastly and The most demanding of the Dreamers in the eyes of the people. But understood by Lurien who sees her struggle personally along with Monomon. Don't get me talking about Monomon in this ouuugh they are IN MY HEAD GET IT OOOOUT I love the idea so muuuuch I'm not even making a point at the end of this ramble its just AUUUUUUUGH I LIKE THE DREAMERS ALOT PLEASE PLEASE I need to write a fic before I blowup

[weaselishmcdiesel]

remember when searching for images as reference and inspiration wasnt filled with ai generated garbage

[amaryllislavellan]

Years ago I wrote a solavellan FF sketch titled “Need” and this codex took me out when I experienced it, I loved it so much.

The concept of need vs want is such an elegant fight.

(Fic under the break! It’s slightly under 590 words)

Need is such a weak willed word. It’s short, callous, and overall falls fast in the mouth as if you’re trying to hide the vulnerability of yourself behind your front teeth.

No.

I do not need her.

I could brace myself against the flowery tones and the roll of my tongue when I say desire. The way the breath escapes in an attempt to flourish the thought, extending it out within the room on heated breath and a softly opened mouth. But that too, would be inaccurate.

I can attempt to articulate my feelings into words but none of them resonate with the way my heart bursts when I see her. The gentle moments we spend together that make my blood burn up through my chest and the air escape my lungs without being exhaled. Her smile traps the air there, held in the embrace of her warmth. Instead of searching for an escape I draw in a deep breath that comes out as a tremble and I fight back against my heart, losing my true purpose. My composure.

I-- I don’t need her.

Perhaps I simply want her. But want is a curt word, ending on a pop. It’s a short term proclamation that ends in a puff of air that resides in the forefront of the mouth. It is a word begrudging of neglect once obtained and my body would not do me the courtesy of abandoning her. With fevered fingers I indulge in tangling in her hair by the fistfull, pulling it back until she makes that golden sound. No. Want is far too small a word.

It falls as short in tone as need.

I can’t begin to define what happens when she looks into my eyes with genuine affection. She trusts me and my council, and I shatter. I shatter into thousands of tiny fragments that reflect back the many truths I have withheld to show me who I am. Who I was? No. The deep pools of trust she gives me--- I feed off of them. I drink it in and spill myself in turn, overflowing with greed. I am her reservoir of knowledge, always guarded and protected by the unseen corners of my mind. But, I find myself allowing the real truth to slip through the dam, like tiny cracks and rivulets that condense on the surface. She’s been clever, and attentive, and strong. I both fear and long for her to see the truth I have laid out for her in tiny admissions.

I refuse to think the word that rushes through my pulse. That rolls my shoulders forward with longing when she comes too close. I will not say the word that makes clever use of its consonants. The word that pushes the admission out of my mouth by forcing the tone across my lower lip held back and then permitted across my upper teeth. It betrays me. The movement of my mouth releases the end of the word in a way that almost vaults the confession faster to her ears. It leaves me open and willing to tell her anything.

I want to tell her everything.

I need to fight this feeling with all of who I am; hide my weakness tight in my throat. I have to rebuild these walls she so easily collapsed and make myself again in iron. I have to find the right words that will force this wall to collect between us. But the thought of losing her--- I.

I don’t want to need her.

Smear of Paint, you say? *stares harder*

THE PROSPECT THAT OUR HEART'S DESIRE AND OUR TRUEST NEED COULD DIFFER--OR ARE EVEN AT ODDS--IS HARD TO CONTEMPLATE, you say? *stares so hard my eyes fall out*

This second playthrough (for observations, not just desperately speeding to the end) is already taking me out.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)

[wardensantoineandevka]

absolutely spoken like someone whose career in piracy ended (possibly very recently) because his boatswain, lover, and partner in warlock shenanigans tried to ritually murder him after she identified his distrustful hesitation and disillusioned exhaustion and considered it weakness and cowardice

[dullahandyke]

sigh actually whatd fix me is getting into shit that nobody i know knows abt so theres no expectations or whatever. my blade of the immortal arc was soooo good for me

[inkykeiji]

Thank you so much for answering my question! I'm kinda new to fanfiction (not that I didnt know it existed but I literally have never seen or engaged with any until like a month ago lol) and so I just wanted to get your perspective on something I dont really understand yet. I'm autistic so I guess sometimes it's just hard for me to see/imagine characters as anything but how they are in canon, but I understand that it would be totally boring to write fanfic that only follows canon! I kinda see fanfic as that writers version of the character, like that's your specific version of Dabi and other writers have their versions of Dabi and maybe they're completely different 🤔 and I guess in my head it made more sense to me to just make a new character to make them exactly how you want and then you wouldn't have to worry about canon at all lol (because my mind wont let me see characters differently sometimes) but I get it now that you explained :) so if you dont mind me asking in your au's what happened differently in dabi/ touyas life to make him a sexual person? In canon I dont really see Dabi as a sexual person like he couldn't be bothered with relationships or anything sexual, like I almost see him as being asexual. So what kind of changed for him in your au's to make him more sexual and willing to have relationships? And thanks again for taking the time to explain for me, I really appreciate it 😊💕

hello again!! c: oh i’m glad i could help! <3 i mean, ultimately, just like all other fiction, it’s all personal preference. some people only like to read in-canon fic and some people only like to read AUs and some people like both, etc etc etc and it’s all totally and completely fine! i think you seeing fanfic as that specific writer’s version of a character/characters makes complete sense and, in a way, is also true—we are each expressing our own interpretations of him! so i absolutely get where you’re coming from there c: and i think your reasoning for being confused makes sense, too!

oh that’s a good question! unfortunately, i don’t have an answer for you, though, because i personally have always interpreted canon dabi as someone who would use casual sex (and drugs!) to try (and fail) to fill the gaping void in his chest. it is 100% fine if you disagree with me, and i will always encourage anyone to interpret any character however they’d like to. the beauty with art and fiction is that there’s technically no wrong answer to a lot of this stuff—if you personally see dabi as someone who is asexual, then he is asexual! if i see him as a sexual being, then he is a sexual being! we can have our own conflicting views on him and who he is, because he isn’t real, and he can be whoever we want him to be. does that make sense? let me know if you have any other questions or something seems unclear and i will try my best to further explain myself! <3

[waywardsalt]

ive spent like 20 minutes trying to world this eloquently but i give up; im a big fan of linebeck just. not being capable of watching over kids not the person to be the guardian of a group of young people he struggles to take care of himself at times and has so much shit going on that it takes about one conversation with oshus for the old man to realize that this guy is. not doing great

[ilikeyoshi]

i hope it's okay to offer my thoughts on discussions like this around how "seriously" we (people with adhd) take adhd! i wanted to preface by saying that everything here is completely true and, despite what i'm going to say following this, it is completely valid and understandable if you hate your adhd, wish you didn't have it, consider it a burden or a danger or just a generally negative element of your life, etc. but i also hope what i'm going to say helps those who feel that way understand a side of the adhd experience i don't see acknowledged much, and i'm not sure if it's just not occurred to people or if they disagree or so on, but whatever the reason, i hope it is at least insightful or interesting, if not helpful in some way.

like op describes above, i have "severe" adhd, to the extent that it is genuinely very difficult to take care of myself. i have had multiple medical troubles, such as UTIs, because of how hard it is for me to remember to use the bathroom. my adhd is so severe i literally cannot keep any kind of traditional job, even medicated. it's just impossible for me to keep up with deadlines and schedules; i will either miss them, or i will make myself sick meeting them because of how mentally and physically taxing it is to monitor my time. there are countless other things i could say about how my adhd negatively impacts my life, but i hope you get the gist.

despite all that though, i do not think negatively of my adhd, and i even think quite fondly of it. for me, this is an expression of self-love. i was born with it (as is everyone with adhd), it's literally just the code my brain runs on; it defines everything about my identity and personality. if i didn't have adhd, i would fundamentally be a completely different human being. i'd be unrecognizable from the person i am because i have adhd. to hate my adhd is to hate myself, and that is an incredibly real struggle to have, and i'm not at all trying to say people can and should just 'stop doing that'—but it's a piece of my puzzle that helps me navigate what i ACTUALLY hate, what i ACTUALLY would change.

the problem, for me, is not my adhd—it is a completely neutral factor—instead, my problem, the source of all my suffering, is that i live in a society that does not accommodate people with brains like mine whatsoever. the world is, quite literally, not built for adhd brains, and thus is not built for me. what makes adhd disabling is the fact that i am not only misunderstood, but treated as 'wrong' or 'broken' because i am, essentially, a square trying to fit through a circle hole. nothing is 'wrong' with me; i am simply unable to utilize the tools around me because they were not made for me to be able to use.

i focus on this distinction because i find it more constructive and useful. it allows me to be kind to myself and forgive myself for a situation that is completely not my fault, while still acknowledging that there is a problem that i need to continue doing my best to improve. i do not think kindly of my adhd because it's mild or doesn't impact me very much, nor do i think my mindset absolves me of any and all responsibility in any given situation—but i DO think kindly of my adhd for a couple reasons.

the first is, obviously, it will never go away. it will always be a part of me, because without it, i would literally not be me. it does not benefit my health, situation, happiness or really anything at all to hate my adhd (but, i want to stress, i do not at all believe it is a failing of anyone who DOES hate their adhd—as op said, everyone's experience is different, including how we internalize that experience, and i'm not at all here to tell anyone how they "should" feel about that experience either). i've had depression for more of my life than not, and one of the hardest things i had to learn in recovering from that is that hating myself, punishing myself, etc does not get me any closer to being a version of myself i will like more. it kinda just... reinforces hating myself, if that makes sense. if i only ever practice hating myself, i will get really good at, well, hating myself.

which ties into the other reason i intentionally think kindly of my adhd: hating it will not make it easier to live with. again, every person's relationship with their adhd is EXTREMELY complicated, and i'm not trying to shame people who DO hate their adhd—your journey is your own and it is not at all my place to tell you how you should walk it. everything i'm saying is stuff i have worked a very long time on coming to, and is stuff i have found the most helpful to me navigating adhd and the world i live in. i mainly bring it up because i usually see people frame those who are neutral or even positive about their adhd as having mild cases, lacking accountability, and generally just, to me at least, giving the impression that they believe you can't healthily, ethically just like your adhd (which, as i explained, to me is intrinsically linked with liking my brain or liking myself). it's a very understandable perspective, i think, because having adhd in a non-adhd world is VERY hard, and i totally see how a perspective like mine might just... not cross anyone's mind, especially those who DO have a lot of negative feelings about their own adhd. that's totally okay; that's why i wanna talk about it, in the hopes it helps bridge that gap.

it's incredibly important to discuss how adhd impacts us—again, as op explained, having adhd can be extremely disabling and even dangerous. i don't disagree with or intend to argue with anything op has said, as it's all 100% true and needs to be understood and accepted, for the literal health, safety and happiness of adhd people. i just noticed some things that i wanted to offer my own perspective on, mainly because it HAS helped me to frame these things the way i do, but if nothing else, just for the sake of hopefully being kinda interesting at the very least.

if there were anything i wanted to explicitly take a stance on, it'd be this: regardless of how we feel about our adhd, it IS true that the world we live in COULD be more accessible to us, and isn't. i especially want non-adhd people to hear that, because i want them to understand that the struggles we face are not self-imposed—we do not do this to ourselves out of irresponsibility nor misunderstanding. we are disabled by the society we live in. nearly all of my struggles could be improved, if not erased completely, if people were not expected to be things adhd people fundamentally are not, and i believe this is true of adhd as a whole. we are not broken or lazy; we are square pieces being expected to fit in circle holes. the solution, in my humble opinion, is not to find a way to make us circles, but to provide us with square holes (as well as continue providing circle holes, because some people ARE circles too).

Like I know we all love making ADHD seem cool but like, don't forget it's actually a disability? My ADHD is bad enough I've nearly been evicted for forgetting to mail the rent check to the property manager, I've forgotten to pay the utility bills and had my water or power get turned off or had to pay fines bcs I missed a credit card payment. Once I was supposed to cat sit for a friend and I lost the house key she gave me but didn't realize until she was already out of town, and she had to call the apartment office to get someone to give me the spare so her cats would have food for the week. When I'm unmedicated I can't even get myself to shower half the time, forget eating or cleaning. Before I started living with my fiance I'd just like, not eat for days because I didn't have anyone to remind me to eat or go buy me food. I've forgotten to turn the stove off so many times and ruined kettles and tbh been DAMN fucking lucky the house didn't burn down. I've done stupid, impulsive shit that's nearly gotten me KILLED. I can't remember to close the shower curtain reliably even through my fiance points out every single time I forget, and he's almost out of soap rn bcs for the last MONTH neither of us have been able to remember to order more once we get out of the shower.

I've had such bad memory my entire life that to this day someone suggesting I forgot something because I simply didn't care enough is a legitimate trigger that, in the worst cases, makes me have a breakdown.

I get that for some of you this is just something that makes studying hard or you forget to take a pee break when you're playing Minecraft or whatever, that's still a valid struggle and you do deserve help and understanding, but like, ADHD is a disability. It's disabling. It's not impossible to improve and learn coping skills, meds help a lot, there are great accommodations out there(LIKE CLEANING SERVICES), but not every case of ADHD is the same, and a lot of them are pretty ugly ngl, and just because you managed to do something doesn't mean someone else is gonna be able to manage it too, or that they're being lazy for struggling. And that obviously doesn't mean ADHD people have a free pass to never work on themselves and make everyone cater to their every need or whatever, but we do deserve some understanding when we explain that our disability is actually disabling in ways that aren't palatable to you. So like, idk, maybe don't immediately recoil in horror when you find out that someone with ADHD can't keep their house clean. And for fucks sake don't ridicule them for it.

[ableism]

I know i’m functionally a gay DARE officer at this point but I do in fact feel some sort of way about Cocaine being back in vogue. Surely I sound like a square + narc and I’ll concede ok do whatever you want, nobody can materially stop another person from using drugs if they really want to 🤷🏻 I don’t really care that it’s hip to do party drugs, moreso I want to articulate a general level of caution and concern that I never see a sidecar of harm reduction and safe using practices along with the commonplace clips of people straight up snorting coke I’ve seen for “brat summer!!!1!!”

You 🫵 are not immune to ingesting fentanyl or any number of other additives. Do you think drugs at the gay club are different than the drugs people are taking under bridges and in gutters? I promise they’re not! So if you want to use drugs and continue being alive, do your part to be safe. Protecting yourself protects others and your community.

Do not accept drugs from strangers. Test your drugs with fentanyl test strips. Carry narcan and know how to administer it. Never use alone. Have an exit strategy if you’re using drugs in a public space. Know the contact information for your local harm reduction groups, overdose emergency hotline, and if you need/want it, addiction treatment orgs. This is all the bare minimum for community care if you intend to be out in the world using drugs. Mainly I encourage you all to be buzzkills if it means you don’t have to die of an accidental overdose. Overdose is the leading cause of death for Americans under 40. I have a whole lot of social workers in my network and however bad you think the synthetic opioid crisis is, it’s worse. The war stories I’ve heard from my people on the ground are… The shit of nightmares. Don’t let it be you or anybody you love.

If you live in the state of Georgia, DM me for a longer list of resources.

Fentanyl information (harm reduction.org)

Get Narcan

How to use fentanyl test strips

Call 311 to find out where to get Narcan in your community at no cost to you

[nomairuins]

i am okay tho i just have momeys sometimrs . please do not ever worry abt me guys