#i need to find a way to articulate it all
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Fabian's journey in the Forest of the Nightmare King was by far the worst, in my opinion — and the only one that wasn't really 'character building' so much as plain old traumatisation. this is something I wanted to bring up a few times but haven't quite figured out how to articulate without spiraling into a 2k analysis. let's go.
the entire scene feels silly. we get Chungledown Bim, who's got a funny name and a funny tagline and is treated by the entire group as a joke. he swings through the trees with a to-go coffee — that's not the description of a fearsome foe. we get the sexy rat, whose creation was a joke to lure in Edgar (Zayn's familiar) and who kept being brought back for bits. it's 'funny' because Fabian hates it, and everyone laughs about the image of Fabian being scared of it.
despite obviously the rat's main 'thing' being its looks, that's not what Fabian was running from — it's the intentions, both the rat's and Bim's. the only way to break through the Forest of the Nightmare King is to give in to your greatest fear, and the way Fabian does it is by laying down on the ground and giving Chungledown Bim permission to "just shit and fuck and do whatever the fuck you want," telling the sexy rat to "fuck me or do whatever weird fuckin' shit'."
that's messed up. the other kids had to acknowledge their fears or consider their futures. Baron was a manifestation of Riz's fear to be different, of his desire to 'fit in' and be loved in the way society says you should be. Gorgug struggles with preconceptions that he's dumb and too big and that, as a barbarian, he is only capable of destruction. Fig faces down her lies and her struggle with sincerity and self-expression, Adaine faces her traumatic childhood and future as the Elven Oracle, and Kristen was absent for obvious reasons but even then later self-revived and converted a god.
Fabian grew up not having choices — his destiny was already laid out for him. he will tread in his father's footsteps. this entire adventure, for him, was the catalyst to the discovery that there was choice. that he is able to say no, to have opinions and express those and make decisions for himself. to become a dancer instead of a fighter. it's the discovery of consent.
it makes sense that his greatest fear would then be losing that. having felt the ability to make his own decisions and being forced, by the Forest, to give that up— to be pressured into giving consent when it's the last thing he wants to.
in the Nightmare King's Forest, there's acknowledgement, there's recognition, there's overcoming — all themes in the other Bad Kids' journeys that make sense. Gorgug learns confidence ("Anyways, my point is eventually I will solve problems that maybe smarter people can solve in a shorter amount of time."). Adaine admits to 'Nightmare Adaine' that even though she grew up feeling unlovable, she feels hope that she might be, now. Adaine learns hope.
Fig, instead of worrying over the fear that she isn't enough, says "I hope that [Ayda] finds something that I didn't know was there." it's the learning of trusting in yourself. Riz gives into his fear of missing clues, of not being useful, and instead takes care of himself. Riz learns self-care.
that's quite a difference from the journey Fabian's been on. after watching his entire worldview and perception of himself shatter on Leviathan and cautiously rediscovering faith in himself in Kei Lumennura, Fabian learnt autonomy. his Nightmare King Forest journey wasn't one of introspection, or insight. Fabian learnt autonomy, briefly, and went into the Forest only to get reinforced that it never mattered. consent under duress isn't consent.
to make it back home, to survive the forest and be of use to his friends — he needed to give up his autonomy and give Chungledown Bim and the sexy rat permission to do whatever they want with him. Fabian fears subjection and powerlessness, and the way the Forest goes about showing that is by forcing him to accept submitting to physical violation. Fabian discovers learned helplessness.
he doesn't want to talk about it, once the kids leave the Forest. Cassandra brings it up and the Bad Kids poke fun of Fabian seeing "just a rat". Fig conjures it. Fabian tries to stab it, tells them to stop. Fig puts it on his shoulders instead.
it's another reinforcement that, whatever choice Fabian makes, it doesn't matter. he asks Cassandra not to tell the others what he saw, and she says it anyway. one of his greatest fears was the sexy rat, and his friends laugh about it. he tells them to stop, to leave it, and instead they conjure it and make him face the very thing he narrowly escaped.
it's another day, another case of Fabian expressing distress, of acknowledging and letting his friends know that he's scared, and his friends make it into a joke and force him to confront it regardless. the Bad Kids go home, at the end of the day, having learnt things. having increased their stats.
Fabian increased his Wisdom. it's the stat for perception of the world around him, the stat for clarity of mind and inherent knowledge. Fabian's increases, because he's learnt something in the forest. unlike his friends, it was not something positive.
Fabian goes home, and resolves not to tell his friends about anything again — it's become apparent, and reinforced, and cemented again and again and again that they will not offer support. any vulnerability he shows, they poke sticks in. any fears, they laugh at. and his hard-won autonomy, his ability to make decisions and choices and a name for himself — that's useless, since there will always be something to push and push and push and put pressure onto him until he chooses the initial outcome, anyway.
consent and coercion and autonomy and compulsion and choice all lead to the same outcome — a lack of control over his desired outcome in a scenario. he is subject to the expectations others have. the only way out is to submit. it's a valuable lesson.
it's one he shouldn't have learned.
#dimension 20#d20 fantasy high#d20#fantasy high#fabian seacaster#fabian aramais seacaster#the bad kids#fantasy high sophomore year#d20 fhsy#fhsy#serra says
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some ramblings and personal stuff on wlw age gap relationships…
over the years I’ve seen some debate over power imbalances and all and appropriateness. my brain doesn’t function well enough to write an articulate essay but this is my experience.
I think it’s kinda become evident that I’ve been through a lot early on. What this kind of prolonged trauma and being forced to grow up quickly does is that it ages you mentally. At least it did with me. I was never able to form deep attachments to my peers and always ended up with female adult friends. I just instantly click with them. These were all purely intellectual relationships. I was just always able to relate to them more, cared about the same things etc. so the argument that when you have an age gap you aren’t in the same stages of life doesn’t really apply. Because I was over teen drama and angst when I was 11 and this trend continued. Now with my health issues on top I relate a lot more to seniors and share so many more experiences with them than with people my age. I still have friends my age but I tend to not feel as understood because how could they?
The women I’m interested in tend to be 40+ but even there it depends on how emotionally mature they are. Some older women have the maturity of a teenager. And that’s okay, but not for me.
I had one situationship with a woman in her 30s but who also was mentally older due to experiences and then a very happy long term relationship/engagement with another one until life fucked things up for us. And we had an equal power balance if not tipped to my side a little. Because it’s not about age it’s about maturity. Most of the time the age difference wasn’t even noticeable.
Due to the things I’ve been through and am still going through I just don’t care for petty drama and emotional rollercoasters. I’m too tired for that. I just want peace and a relationship full of stability and love that I can feel safe in. Clear and open communication, no mind games, reflection, finding solutions. I don’t do well with people who are passive, unreflected or don’t know what they want in life. Older women tend to have that figured out already, at least those I’m interested in. People my age and even those 10 years older often aren’t there yet.
However, of course I have my preferences, so I do like in the older women I’m attracted to when they’re able to take charge on occasion, especially in a bedroom setting. But I don’t want to be coddled at all times. In fact, when I’m going about my day, am outside the house or with other people I’m quite dominant myself and wouldn’t let anyone control me. But I have my soft, fragile moments, especially when I’m mentally or physically unwell, and that’s where I need someone to recognise this shift and take care of me because I’ve been fighting on my own my whole life and crave to feel safe enough with someone to be able to drop the tough act and let myself be protected and comforted. For some reason, older women tend to see through me quicker and push my buttons the right way to get me into sub space.
all that to say, power imbalances aren’t created through the age difference itself but trough differences in mental and emotional maturity. and if you’re on the same level there, you can have a healthy relationship. some people simply do have a lot more in common with those older than them, been through more shit, and can’t form this kind of connection with peers for this reason.
*obviously all this is about legal ages
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Not to out myself too much here, but I think a large part of the reason that I like Garak's characterization so much in a Stitch In Time is because of the clear impact his most primary upbringing has on his behavior well into adulthood. So many of the seeds which the Obsidian Order take advantage of were planted within those early memories! There are a few sections within the second letter/entry of the novel that I have re-read over so many times because they have such a striking resemblance to the emotional landscape that I was raised in. I am sure that I could better articulate these thoughts later (and I might), but I wanted to get them out of my head.
First, I often see people discuss Garak in ways that place Tain's impact on him within a vacuum, but I think Tolan plays a large role too. They both encouraged a sense of hyper-vigilance which underlines so much of Garak's character. With Tolan, we see this idea start with the expectation that nothing should ever have to be repeated less Garak face punishment. Tain takes this principle to several higher degrees. Garak could not just never miss instructions. He could never miss any details that those around him might want.
Tain talks in the series about the fact that what makes Garak special is that he never actually had to ask him to do anything, but why should he have to ask? Garak was trained to constantly anticipate what he might want, and it was successful because there was a pattern. If Garak dedicated himself fully enough to the pursuit of anticipating the wants before they were ever expressed, he could avoid the punishment. This hypervigilance is a trait that is reenforced through both punishments and praise.
Elim Garak 🤝 Me: Both having relationships with our fathers which center around the anticipation of demands and punishment yet still desperately clinging to the idea that with enough effort or work you might be able to earn approval and end the constant cycle
The passages I am referencing most specifically within that letter:
"Father was much older than Mother, and he never said much, but what he did say was always clear and to the point. Anyone who worked for him understood that if he had to repeat himself you would very quickly be demoted to maintaining the city’s sewers."
"He was particular about who cooked and cleaned for him, and depended upon Mother for all his personal needs. I was never sure what it was he did; I just assumed he was important enough to afford a house and a servant."
"But Tain at home was anything but mysterious. It was not unusual for Uncle Enabran to appear and take me away on some excursion that involved a long walk through a section of the city. During these walks he’d test my awareness, and challenge me to describe a house or a person we’d just passed. If I hadn’t been paying attention and couldn’t remember the details, the walk was over and we’d silently return home under the oppressive weight of his disapproval. He also seemed to know how I was performing at school, and if he wasn’t satisfied with my progress or behavior he’d punish me. I was a hard worker but I had a mischievous streak, and I enjoyed getting others involved in questionable activities and arranging it so they were found out and took the blame. On those rare occasions when I was caught, Tain would somehow find out and punish me—not for my misdeed, but for having been caught. And after he discovered my fear of small, dark spaces, his favorite punishment became keeping me in one until I had convinced him that I had analyzed and fully understood how my mischievous scheme had gone wrong. I found it odd that Mother and Father never had anything to say about these punishments."
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No but THANK YOU! You've managed to articulate so WELL what I've been trying to say, I'm just so happy because I couldn't find the words and I was blaming myself because my message wasn't coming across but YOU have put it into words so well I need to comment on them a little!
"struggle to maintain the emotional balance with the timelines"
YES. This is KEY! What I've been trying to say is exactly this. There's no emotional balance with the timelines. You can feel the episodic nature of the show (i.e. written week by week more or less) therefore you can also feel that the events that happened in S4 were written like one year or more before the writing of the events of S5. I'm not talking about the plot, I'm talking about emotions. it's so weird that the writers didn't factor them in because I think of them as very competent writers, I don't care what the haters have to say. So, to me, the lack of emotional balance shows a precise decision to amp up a (dead) love triangle for.... views? After all, LOST is writing for profit and love triangles, sadly, always sell. And that's frustrating to me.
"It's incredibly disrespectful to the characters as individuals (and frankly bad writing) that they continue to push this relationship struggle when these are grown adults and three years have passed".
As I said, I don't necessarily think it's bad writing but, in a way, it is because it's commercial writing. However, LOST showrunners' struggle against ABC is kinda famous so I don't feel like it's right to exclusively blame them for it. Network requests are a big factor and in this case I'm more inclined to hold ABC accountable. Having said that, LOST is a white male show writtern by (mostly) white male writers so I gotta take this into account as well bc, honestly? Even in LOST the old love for the male hero's journey is... showing a little bit. At the expense of female and poc characters, of course
"It was clear to me that Kate was always going to choose Jack and a lot of her later interactions with Sawyer were directly because of Jack anyway.)"
I'm literally alwasy saying this. Jack is the love triangle apex and the center of the whole story. One kinda has to get Jack in order to really get LOST.
"There was so much potential to develop Kate's character that they bypassed for the tired love triangle as well."
This is why LOST drives me insane. Female characters in a lot of TV series are, frankly, badly written. Fandom adopting that character and making it complex (aka less written through misogynistic lens) is a great resistance technique that should definitely happen more often BUT that doesn't change the fact that, to me, that character wasn't well written to begin with. But in LOST? Like, let's take Kate as an example: she was absolutely well written from day 1! Like, they had all the material because they had created it!!!! Why, WHYYYYYYYY, would a writer waste ALL THAT for a stupid love triangle? It has to be because cis-het love supposedly sell or it wouldn't make sense. You have a character like KATE AUSTEN and you pigeonhole her as love interest. CRAZY CHOICE but okay, misogyny exists. Not only that, because Jack and Kate are so deranged together I could almost let it pass (although I have my reservations about that as well) but you further pigeonhole her to fit into a stupid love triangle with another man? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU, GET OUT. These are the things LOST fans should be mad about, not the fucking ending.
"Sawyer didn't factor into Kate's decision to return to the island at all. She was there to look for Claire."
Music to my ears. Let's leave this here for the people in the back.
I also want to add @eponine119 interesting addition:
the real reason Jack got so unboxed in s4 over Sawyer was because the writers were trying to trick the audience into thinking he was part of the Oceanic Six but then it turns out to be Aaron. It's a gag that only works one time, like the Jin/Sun episode that is similar. I get that Lost was never intended to be more than a one-trick pony so they sacrificed story/character to serve the ever-present trademark Lost "twist ending" but it's disappointing. Beyond that, yeah. Makes no sense for any of them to be thinking about or jealous of a kinda relationship that lasted two and a half minutes three years ago when they have grown and moved on and changed. It was a significant relationship in Sawyer's development as a person, and he was always way more into Kate than she was into him, so maybe that gets a tiny bit more weight for him.
I didn't know about that. I have to say that THAT is a trick that surely didn't work out because I wasn't even thinking about that possibility when I first watched the show. Like, it was clear as day that Sawyer was not back to "normal", "non-island" life. And as I've said above, these are the kind of "tricks" that fan should be mad about, not the mystery-related ones. Like, to me, these things are pretty unforgivable because plot can be complex and not anchored to reality but human behaviour? You gotta factor it in, at least a minimum of it.
Finally, @uncertaininnit said it best:
"I strongly agree about it being unbalanced. The first time I watched the show, I remember genuinely not investing much emotional energy into the ‘love triangle’ because I simply didn’t believe it [...]how was I supposed to take either other ship seriously after that?"
How were we supposed to?? Jack and Kate are OTP and, in order to have something "juicy", if you want a love triangle you must add a "juicy" third element. I think Sawyer was, more or less, that, until S2- maybe even 3, I'm feeling generous. But after that, like I said in my initial post, if you want to raise the stakes you need to give me something. Kate is back on the island, she literally talks maybe two times with Sawyer and now he's back head over heels for her? Naaah, sorry, I don't believe you.
Ummm... I need to ask you losties a question.
As you know I'm a big Jack Shepard apologist (he's the only fictional white man that I'll protect at all cost just because we're trauma-bonded) and, although I honest-to-god think that he has a lot of chemistry with Sawyer, I've always loved his relationship with Kate because it's lightning quick but messy, cute but full of unsaid things.
Aside from fanon readings (unfortunately the show has never taken queer relationship to heart), the Jack-Kate-Sawyer love triangle was, more or less, interesting until s2 max s3. After that? It was just a tired trope that they continued to use because the show kept running but they had already reached its resolution and didn't really bother to find more interesting ways to develop the relationship between these three.
Today, however, while I was re-watching "The Little Prince" (S5) I realized one thing: perhaps the reason why it feels like it's a tired trope is because, narratively speaking, it's pretty unbalanced?
I mean, in S4 we see Jack and Kate relationship both on the island and back home. Like, we literally see them as they develop their relationship along two different timelines. In other words, we're given more material and, as I've already said many times, it's clear as day that by S4 the love triangle thing has been resolved.
However, because in S5 time works differently, we keep continuing seeing Jack and Kate's relationship but we also see the last remainder of Sawyer's attachment to Kate. But, by now, 20+ episodes have passed, different timelines have been explored so... the "bond" between these two characters feels... diluted?
As in, it makes sense for Sawyer to still think about Kate because only a few weeks have passed to him. But to us? For us three years have passed + what happened on the island with Jack and Kate in s4 so it kinda makes also sense to us that the love triangle is done.
It's like what I said about Kate and Jack's fight in s4: it makes close to zero sense for them to fight over Sawyer, not because they've just forgotten about him but because we see actual events happening to them in-between those years. And these events are all pretty though so the Sawyer-of-it-all almost pales in comparison!
So what I'm trying to say, I guess, is that while the time-travels storylines are cool as fuck, when it comes to feelings and love... they leave a bittersweet taste after viewing the episodes because the relationships suddenly don't feel earned anymore.
Like, we literally see Sawyer develop a bond with Juliet, open up to her, show his vulnerabilities etc. On the other hand, we also see Jack and Kate being domestic etc. So all the sudden "pathos" between Sawyer and Kate is just... not there?
Up until s3 they were GREAT together but after that? Just too many things happened and their relationships wasn't as "fated" as Kate's with Jack. It would've made more sense if they'd either showed a rekindling that actually made sense or they'd just developeded their dynamics differently.
Anyhoo, I've written too much, I really wanna knw what YOU folks think!
#thank you so much for replying to my post!#this conversation is giving me so many ideas! you guys are the best#lost#lost 2004#lost tv show#lost abc#jack shephard#kate austen
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#i dont think im a bad person. i dont think i behave in ways that are especially terrible. i dont hate myself. but i do believe i deserve to#suffer. and im not sure how to align those incongruent ideas. its hard to articulate because a lot of my rigidity stems from restrictions#without cause. i don't do things for a specific reason. im not afraid that if dont do specific things it will cause bad things to happen. i#behave in specific ways because thats what i have to do. thats just the way it is. without reason. without cause. like im getting dictates#from some higher power. a lot of my restrictive behaviors manifest in a sort of religious way. not in a religious trauma way. the church i#grew up in was all love thy neighbor and not fire and brimstone. its more that this rigid views is deeply and profoundly rooted in how i#belive i need to behave. i behave imperfectly. i make mistakes. and there has to be a consequence. i have to suffer. and thats just how it#is. like preying for forgiveness or committing self flagellation. i repent through self punishment. and when i try to imagine why i do this#all i can think about is being a little kid. praying before i went to bed. not aloud. the prayers i kept silent. that nobody would get sick#and die. that all the kids in childrens hospitals would get better and that nothing bad would ever happen to anyone. i had a pretty idealic#childhood. it was stable and my parents loved me a lot. i was never really bullied in school. my family was comfortably middle class without#money troubles. and i guess i find that difficult to contend with because i didnt do anything to deserve that. it was just luck. and why#should i have that when other ppl dont? but random things dont happen to you because you did something to warrent them. thats not how the#world works. so maybe im seeking to balance the scale. maybe im trying to pay for my good luck because it makes more sense that way.#sins must be punished and good fortune must be paid for. but only for me. i am an isolated entity controlled by an angry god.#and again. i dont hate myself or thing im a bad person. it only seems fair and correct that i should suffer. thats just how it is.#and how do you classify that? its a rigid worldview that sprauls out into restructions and compulsions. a lens warped from through#existential fear? the rot from which 0cd manifested? a set of restrictions born of aut1sm? i dunno. it doesnt really matter but i try to#classify anyway. maybe it doesnt fit neatly into one box. so it goes.#just stupid bullshit im being forced to deal with now that im basically in triple therapy lol#unrelated
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#need to vent#ignore if that kinda thing gets you annoyed bc i’m repeating something i’ve vented about before#the feeling that i’ll never be taken seriously is going to ruin my life i think#and i don’t mean that my feelings are not taken seriously i mean that i’m not someone whose opinion or take on more serious or nuanced#topics is one that ppl value or consider or even want to hear#i know ppl enjoy talking to me fine#for easy mindless fun conversation mostly#and that’s good in its on way and i like that#i just find that that’s usually where it stops#like all i’m good for or capable of is easy fun conversation#and i don’t mean this is a pretentious sense but i just wish sometimes that ppl wld care about my opinions on the more serious/nuanced#in a*#topics and things#i don’t care to be highly regarded or anything that’s not what i’m trying to say#i just wish ppl wouldn’t see me as naive aloof etc etc#i know some of this feeling is exacerbated my own overthinking#by my own*#but i know i’m not making this up either#it exists in almost every space i’m part of and it makes it so hard to continue to be in those spaces#idk like maybe someone cares what colour scarf i think looks better with their coat#but they wouldn’t care to ask me what i think about their thesis/essay idk#not the best example but that’s all i can think of rn#ykw maybe ppl would care about my opinions more if i could articulate myself properly#but i can’t even articulate myself in a vent post#….#this isn’t me being self-deprecating it’s true and i’m annoyed#anyway this combined with the feeling that i’ll never belong anywhere#which had been off the charts this past week and a big reason as to why i had to take a break#is just slowly eating away at me#i feel like a floating island. i fit into no community. there’s a disconnect present between me and everything
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take my heart, don’t break it / love me to my bones...
#[y]#/p#journal moodboards#elle moodboards#2.24.25#actively trying not to ruminate on certain things so my brain decided to ruminate on Other things instead sighs#but i don't think it's totally bad. turning stuff over and over in my head like a rubiks cube but also trying to Get Somewhere with all thi#processing too#had a fun realization while working on this that one reason why moodboarding Can be so cathartic for me is bc my brain engages with it#similarly to poetry in certain ways––in terms of it's very satisfying/cathartic to find Visuals/Imagery that express the things going on in#my heart#even if that's unexplained/incomprehensible to others i know what the recurring imagery is/means#and i verrry rarely sit down to a moodboard like this going 'right. i need pictures of [This Thing] bc that expresses [This Idea]'#rather i go poking around my pinterest boards until an image or color stands out then i slowly build around that and more images#will come to the surface#so by the end of it i have more imagery/symbolism to articulate the Feelings of things going on in my heart. if that makes any sense#like with this one i knew the Feeling/Ideas i wanted to express for my own benefit but had no idea even of the color#til i saw the top middle image and went 'oh. yeah. that's exactly how this feels'#and then the soft red/pink secondary color emerged too which was unplanned but fits what i need it to really well#anyway! i just think art as catharsis is interesting! and it was cool to suddenly notice the parallels between my mbs and my poetry#in terms of how they help me explore my own feelings about something i'm processing/experiencing#cool!
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sigh actually whatd fix me is getting into shit that nobody i know knows abt so theres no expectations or whatever. my blade of the immortal arc was soooo good for me
#^ he is literally doing an english degree because he likes having opinions on shit#and KNOWS hes smart and even better at it than some people in his course#but he gets scared that fandom-types are gonna think he has the wrong interpretations of shit#girl get the fuck over yourself#^ this is representative of a greater issue where whenever hes talking to anyway he kind of just says 'yes sure'#because its easier than actually finding out what he thinks and articulating it#not even in a people pleaser way i dont think! literally just.#if i agree with someone then i dont have to battle these fuckshit words and come up with a coherant answer#bcos whenever i start cooking my own shit im like 40% incoherent which is bad odds when youre saying more than 3 sentences#girl you need to stop masking you need to get weirder. take pauses and shit#but whenevr i take pauses all other thoughts vanish in favour of#'wow you are taking a pause look at you not talking'#shut UP back there!!!#conversation is sooo hard u guys....
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Thank you so much for answering my question! I'm kinda new to fanfiction (not that I didnt know it existed but I literally have never seen or engaged with any until like a month ago lol) and so I just wanted to get your perspective on something I dont really understand yet. I'm autistic so I guess sometimes it's just hard for me to see/imagine characters as anything but how they are in canon, but I understand that it would be totally boring to write fanfic that only follows canon! I kinda see fanfic as that writers version of the character, like that's your specific version of Dabi and other writers have their versions of Dabi and maybe they're completely different 🤔 and I guess in my head it made more sense to me to just make a new character to make them exactly how you want and then you wouldn't have to worry about canon at all lol (because my mind wont let me see characters differently sometimes) but I get it now that you explained :) so if you dont mind me asking in your au's what happened differently in dabi/ touyas life to make him a sexual person? In canon I dont really see Dabi as a sexual person like he couldn't be bothered with relationships or anything sexual, like I almost see him as being asexual. So what kind of changed for him in your au's to make him more sexual and willing to have relationships? And thanks again for taking the time to explain for me, I really appreciate it 😊💕
hello again!! c: oh i’m glad i could help! <3 i mean, ultimately, just like all other fiction, it’s all personal preference. some people only like to read in-canon fic and some people only like to read AUs and some people like both, etc etc etc and it’s all totally and completely fine! i think you seeing fanfic as that specific writer’s version of a character/characters makes complete sense and, in a way, is also true—we are each expressing our own interpretations of him! so i absolutely get where you’re coming from there c: and i think your reasoning for being confused makes sense, too!
oh that’s a good question! unfortunately, i don’t have an answer for you, though, because i personally have always interpreted canon dabi as someone who would use casual sex (and drugs!) to try (and fail) to fill the gaping void in his chest. it is 100% fine if you disagree with me, and i will always encourage anyone to interpret any character however they’d like to. the beauty with art and fiction is that there’s technically no wrong answer to a lot of this stuff—if you personally see dabi as someone who is asexual, then he is asexual! if i see him as a sexual being, then he is a sexual being! we can have our own conflicting views on him and who he is, because he isn’t real, and he can be whoever we want him to be. does that make sense? let me know if you have any other questions or something seems unclear and i will try my best to further explain myself! <3
#i also believe that a lot of our interpretations of art + characters come from our own personal experiences#so for example: as someone who has suffered a lot of similar trauma to dabi i *also* used vices to try and fill the gaping hole the trauma#left in my chest. as such it makes sense that i might see or understand dabi as doing something similar!#sometimes we will use these characters as tools and vehicles to work through and process trauma etc.#we find a lot of comfort and catharsis through these characters right?#i really hope this makes sense and i'm articulating myself properly#but i am always open to further discussion if you need it! <3#my main point though is: there is no right or wrong way to interpret a specific character#they are whoever you want them to be#your interpretation is just as valid as anyone else's interpretation#don't ever let anyone else tell you differently. as long as we can be respectful toward others even if we disagree with them or don't share#their interpretation; that is what matters#the only thing that isn't okay is someone being rude toward you just because you don't share their personal interpretation#anyway! yeah! i am so sleepy so i hope this isn't all just a jumbled mess HAHAHA#have a fabulous day anon and stay hydrated!!! <3#inky.bb#clari gets mail
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nobody who describes themselves as "too self aware" has ever seemed very aware to me.
#i have a lot of thoughts on it that i need to find the time to articulate better#but it's the same level as calling yourself a people pleaser when nobody around you seems pleased#like yea you def got some shit going on but it's not that. not the way you're thinking of it.#also it's just like... annoying. and i say this with all the love in my heart bc i used to be one of those ppl too.#we think we know ourselves best and that outside interpretations are just wrong#but we forget that effect is just as and oftentimes more important than intent#your inner world doesn't outweigh your relationships and interactions with other ppl. they all make up who you are for better or for worse.#and most people are incredibly dishonest with themselves. it's not deliberate! there are just things ppl seem to DECIDE about themselves#and they never question it again. but nothing is immutable.#whatever#all im saying is it's worth abandoning the idea that you already know everything about yourself and instead opening urself up to discovery#there are so many buried truths left to uncover#also that quote about the trap of introspection... where's it at
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man
#tjinking#they have such lovely love you know az and crowley#its so!#sighs wistfully#its so sunny out rn#thinking about my old fics the ones that make me sad but also feel like everythings not terrible#a love like salt... running on air! and so on and so forth#chemistry. and he finds absolution#and i think about it and i want it sometimes what theyve got but most oftentimes i want to be alone#and i cant ever give anyone what they need im too much about myself and#ill be alone in a doomed way not the way i want i feel#to be like geese... and all those other ficsand all those other love stories#dunno#this never makes sense i wish i could properly articulate it#dm finds love and light and he was so very terrible so surely i can too?#hmm
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I know i’m functionally a gay DARE officer at this point but I do in fact feel some sort of way about Cocaine being back in vogue. Surely I sound like a square + narc and I’ll concede ok do whatever you want, nobody can materially stop another person from using drugs if they really want to 🤷🏻 I don’t really care that it’s hip to do party drugs, moreso I want to articulate a general level of caution and concern that I never see a sidecar of harm reduction and safe using practices along with the commonplace clips of people straight up snorting coke I’ve seen for “brat summer!!!1!!”
You 🫵 are not immune to ingesting fentanyl or any number of other additives. Do you think drugs at the gay club are different than the drugs people are taking under bridges and in gutters? I promise they’re not! So if you want to use drugs and continue being alive, do your part to be safe. Protecting yourself protects others and your community.
Do not accept drugs from strangers. Test your drugs with fentanyl test strips. Carry narcan and know how to administer it. Never use alone. Have an exit strategy if you’re using drugs in a public space. Know the contact information for your local harm reduction groups, overdose emergency hotline, and if you need/want it, addiction treatment orgs. This is all the bare minimum for community care if you intend to be out in the world using drugs. Mainly I encourage you all to be buzzkills if it means you don’t have to die of an accidental overdose. Overdose is the leading cause of death for Americans under 40. I have a whole lot of social workers in my network and however bad you think the synthetic opioid crisis is, it’s worse. The war stories I’ve heard from my people on the ground are… The shit of nightmares. Don’t let it be you or anybody you love.
If you live in the state of Georgia, DM me for a longer list of resources.
Fentanyl information (harm reduction.org)
Get Narcan
How to use fentanyl test strips
Call 311 to find out where to get Narcan in your community at no cost to you
#rtxt#addiction#harm reduction#My mutuals who post about using drugs I’m peering at you like a little creeper!#This is ok to reblog!
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BABY TRAP? LIKE THE MOVIE WITH THE TWINS?
description… you two are meant to be. sealed by fate, star crossed lovers. you’ll keep each other around however you need to.
warnings… dark content! baby trapping! noncon! obviously they’re being baby trapped they say something trying to stop it. consensual sex. full penetrative sex.
a word from the writer… i’ve had this in the drafts for aWHILE. it’s about time. do yall still read dc? i’ll never stop supplying… are we too woke now?!

TRAPS YOU
you’re hot under him, and he’s making that face he always makes right before he cums. it’s like repetition; eyes blanked out, mouth ajar but not fully open, brows furrowed like he’s desperate— and it’s scary.
“baby,” the word is cut in two with how fast he’s going, tease of pain as he hilts into your cervix with every thrust. “baby, you’re not wearing a condom.” your voice is uneasy, shaky from the movement and pleasure and build up. you think, in a way, the way you have sex is unfair. he gives you so much, orgasm after orgasm, rubbing your clit as he drills you to the point you go fucking stupid.
you feel safe with him. sex is sacred with him, no matter how sick it gets. but right now, with your calves pressed into his shoulders, his hands pushing your thighs impossibly back, you feel uneasy.
“baby, baby, pull out.” he gasps, sweat dripping down right near your eyes as a shaky groan escapes him.
“fuck,” a chaste kiss to your forehead, a shakiness in his movements, an unmatched rhythm as he gets closer and closer. “fuck. oh my, god. you feel so fucking good— so fuckin’ good.”
and so does he. but you’re scared.
“you’re gonna make such a good mommy, gonna be such a good mama. gonna— gonna give you my babies. gonna get you pregnant, gonna make you mine.”
“hey, wait,” your hands raise to his chest but he hits that angle that makes your eyes roll and they fall back. it feels so good you almost don’t care. “baby, baby, baby stop. baby, you gotta pull out.”
“you’re gonna be such a good mommy. gonna give you my kids. gonna give you my kids.” and it’s instant. it’s before you can even think— if you could anyway— it’s pressed so deep in you you betray yourself and cum, too.
he places his head to yours, kisses you greedy and whole, and whines into your mouth. it’s him, it’s real, it’s love. but— and you know this— it’s something so wrong.
“did you just…?” and before you can finish your question, he’s regaining his rhythm, fucking his cum into you with a half hard dick. it’s precise, it’s calculated, it’s intention.
he looks at you, eyes wide, breath heavy, and gives you a little grin. “gonna keep fucking you even when you’re pregnant, baby. gonna make sure i can keep you all to myself.”
GOJO, GETO, SUKUNA, YUJI
GETS TRAPPED
your legs hurt. you’ve been on top for all of thirty minutes, which you have no one to blame other than yourself. you love to edge him, love to get him so close and then take it all away from him. you think it gets him a little addicted.
but right now, as he squirms under you, losing every ounce of masculinity he’s ever had, something takes over you.
“gonna cum,” it’s breathless, short and sweet. “oh shit, i’m gonna cum.” you think he must think you’re edging him again. you think he’s expecting you to slow down, stop all together, pick up off him fully for ten or so seconds and then slam back down.
but you pick up the pace, grinding your hips into his, hitting his pelvic bone with your own as your hands grip at his pecs.
“wait, are you—” he falls apart under you, voice failing him, body failing him, hands only finding the strength to grip at your hips. “baby girl, i’m gonna cum.”
it’s melodic, tactile and articulate, a steady flow of bounces while your squelch fills the room.
“sweetheart, you gotta stop.” your right hand lifts from his chest to his mouth, shoving your fingers between his lips while he groans. he’s so easy to you, for you, because of you.
and then you feel it, milk it, relish in it— the way he comes undone at your touch, loses himself deep inside you. you don’t say a word about it, don’t think about it too much as you press your wet fingers to your stomach.
it’s a quiet giggle as reality washes over him. he looks cute, you can’t help but realize, panic and flushed under you. you’re sure of it then; he’s gonna be a sexy dad.
MEGUMI, NANAMI, CHOSO, TOJI
#sick and twisted mind#jjk x reader#jjk smut#toji smut#gojo smut#geto smut#megumi smut#nanami smut#yuji smut#sukuna smut#choso smut#toji x reader#gojo x reader#geto x reader#megumi x reader#nanami x reader#yuji x reader#sukuna x reader#choso x reader#gojo satoru x reader#geto suguru x reader#megumi fushiguro x reader#toji fushiguro x reader#nanami kento x reader#yuji itadori x reader
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I've finally figured out an argument that convinces coding tech-bros that AI art is bad.
Got into a discussion today (actually a discussion, we were both very reasonable and calm even through I felt like committing violence) with a tech-bro-coded lady who claimed that people use AI in coding all the time so she didn't see why it mattered if people used AI in art.
Obviously I repressed the surge of violence because that would accomplish nothing. Plus, this lady is very articulate, the type who makes claims and you sit there thinking no that's wrong it must be but she said it so well you're kind of just waffling going but, no, wait-- so I knew I had to get this right if I was gonna come out of this unscathed.
The usual arguments about it being about the soul of it and creation fell flat, in fact she was adamant that anyone who believed that was in fact looking down at coding as an art form as she insisted it is. Which, sure, you can totally express yourself through coding. There's a lot more nuance as to the differences but clearly I was not going to win this one.
The other people I was with (literally 8 people anti-ai against her, but you can't change the mind of someone who doesn't want to listen and she just kept accusing us of devaluing coding as an art) took over for I kid you not 15 minutes while I tried desperately to come up with a clear and articulate way to explain the difference to her. They tried so many reasonable arguments, coding being for a function ("what, art doesn't serve a function?") coding being many discrete building blocks that you put together differently, and the AI simply provides the blocks and you put it together yourself ("isn't that what prompt building is") that it's bad for the environment ("but not if it's used for capitalism, hm?" "Yeah literally that's how capitalism works it doesn't care about the environment" she didn't like that response)
But I finally got it.
And the answer is: It's not about what you do, it's about what you claim to be.
Imagine that someone asks an AI to write a code and, by some miracle, it works perfectly without them having to tweak it---which is great because they couldn't tell you what a single solitary thing in that code means.
Now imagine this person, with their code that they don't know how it works, goes and applies to be a coder somewhere, presenting this AI code as proof that they're qualified.
Should they be hired?
She was horrified, of course. Of course they shouldn't be. They're not qualified. They can't actually code, and even if by some miracle they did have an AI successfully write a flawless code for every issue they came across that wouldn't be their code, you could hire any shmuck on the street to do that, no reason to pay someone like they're creating something.
When actual engineers use AI what they do is get some kind of base, which they then go though and check for problems and then if they find any they fix them, and add on to the base code with their own knowledge instead of just trying different prompt after prompt until they randomly come across one that works.
People who generate code like this don't usually call themselves engineers. They're people who needed a bit of code and didn't have the knowledge to generate it, and so used a resource.
And there you go. There are people who have none of the skills of artists, they don't practice, they don't create for themselves. When they feed the prompt to the AI they then don't just use the resulting image as a reference point for their own personal masterpiece, and if they don't like it they don't have the skills to change it---they simply try another prompt, and do that until they get something they like.
These people are calling themselves artists.
Not only that, these people are bringing the AI generated thing to interviews, and they are getting hired, leaving people who slave over their craft out of the job.
And that is the difference, for the tech bros who think AI art isn't a big deal.
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Bucky’s Quiet Love
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem! Reader
Summary: After a painful breakup, Bucky offers quiet comfort and unconditional care, showing you a love that's patient and gentle. He mends the ache in your chest and reminds you that you deserve so much more.
Word Count: Roughly 1.3k
Warnings: A smidge of angst (super tiny, barely there), references to an emotionally draining relationship, toxic relationship dynamics, obviously fluff (because who I am without it?), thoughts of self-worth, slow-burn.
Author's Note: Based on this request + I worked in some Valentine's Day things and a lil poem just because :)
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Divider by: @strangergraphics
Love is not always loud,
Not fiery, sharp, or proud,
The Tower was quiet when you got back.
Your eyes were downcast, the weight of tonight, the last year, weighing on you so heavily that you wanted to crawl into a hole.
You didn’t want to talk to anyone immediately; your mind was consumed with flashes of every rough patch, fight, and the breakup itself tonight. The words that echoed from your ex’s mouth were like a cruel stab to the heart:
“You always made things so complicated. I’m not the one with the problem here; you are. You were always so needy, always wanting more. I’m actually relieved it’s over. You were ruining me. I’m sure you’ll find someone else who can tolerate you. I’m just better off without all your drama.”
You had poured your heart into a relationship that never seemed to give back, where your love was only met with the bare minimum effort. You were always left wanting, always feeling like there was something more to give, but he couldn’t wouldn’t supply it.
And the icing on the cake, or in this case, salt on the wound: you found out that he had been seeing someone else the day before Valentine’s Day,
The betrayal stung, but there was also a deep sadness.
You knew you deserved more, but a part of you kept hoping he’d see you, really see you. You wanted to be enough. You craved his validation, his attention, his touch, his love.
But that never came.
He drained your happiness.
Till you felt hollow.
It doesn’t need to shout its name,
Or spark an endless, burning flame.
When Bucky saw you standing there, looking small and broken, his chest ached. He knew. He always knew.
His deep blue eyes were the ones that had always seemed to understand you, even when you couldn't quite articulate how you were feeling.
And right now?
You couldn’t describe how you were feeling.
Exhausted?
Shittty?
Overwhelmed?
All of the above could be a more than adequate description.
You didn't even have to look up to know Bucky was there. His presence, that unspoken comfort, was enough. He'd been waiting for you. You could feel it, feel him, even before you saw him.
Bucky had always been the one who understood when things were left unsaid. You could talk to him for hours or simply sit silently; it would always feel like home. But tonight? Your heart was broken tonight, and nothing would ever feel like home again for a while.
You felt the sting of tears behind your eyes as you walked toward him. You didn’t try to hide that your eyes were glossed over or that you were visibly tired.
He stood up from the couch and was pulling you into his strong arms before you could even say a word.
You buried your face into his sweater, letting the tears fall. His embrace was the first real comfort you’d had all day, and you crumbled into him. The last week had been a blur of fights, loneliness, and betrayal. Your ex had been giving you the bare minimum for months, only fulfilling the things that kept the relationship afloat.
Bucky had seen the way you smiled for him, how you tried to fill the empty space in your relationship with kindness, how you were always the one to bend, to give.
And it killed him.
"I’m so sorry, sweetheart," Bucky’s warm breath against your hair as he held you close, pressing his lips to your head. "I’m so sorry that happened to you."
You let out a shaky breath, nodding, unable to form words.
Bucky’s arms around you felt like the safest place you’d ever been, and it took everything not to collapse into him completely.
"You’re safe here," Bucky said softly. "Don’t stress this. I’ll be here. Always."
You nodded again, pulling away slightly to look up at his face. His eyes softened at the sight of you. You could see the worry in them, the concern.
"I’m sorry," you whispered. "I just...I don’t know what is what anymore. I don’t what to do with myself."
Bucky wiped a stray tear from your cheek, his thumb brushing over the softness of your skin. His touch was gentle and caring. He was always so careful with you, treating you as though you were the most precious thing in the world. But right now, you felt broken, like you weren’t worthy of the love he offered so freely.
"You’re gonna be okay," he murmured as he gently squeezed you. "You’ve been through something really fucking tough, but you’re not alone, okay?"
Bucky led you to the couch and you sighed, sinking into the furniture. He searched for the softest blanket he could find, wrapping it around your shoulders. He just sat beside you, as you tried to find your grounding. A gentle hand continually stroked your hair as you melted into him. His quiet presence like soothing balm to your weary soul.
Bucky had always known how to give you the needed space without making you feel alone.
You fell asleep eventually, comforted by the feeling of his presence beside you.
Some love is quiet, soft, and true,
And in that peace, you’ll start anew.
The next day, Bucky woke up with an idea. He had kicked everyone out of the Tower in the afternoon, telling them he had some private things to handle.
You didn’t know what he had planned, but when you walked into the living room later that evening, your heart fluttered with surprise.
The lights were dimmed. The room was now softly lit with candles and the faint glow of fairy lights. A table was set for two with flowers arranged in a vase in the center: tulips, your favorite. There was no grand display, no flashy gestures, just the kind of thoughtful simplicity that spoke volumes.
Bucky was waiting by the table, dressed in a way that was casual but put together, a white shirt and dark slacks that made him look effortlessly handsome.
"You didn’t have to do all this," you whispered.
He gave a small, amused smile.
"Yeah, I did," he said. "You deserve to feel special, especially today."
Bucky guided you to the seat, pulling out the chair for you. His eyes were soft, full of affection and care. He wasn’t rushing, wasn’t pushing. He was just there, present.
The meal was simple, but there was love in every bite. He had taken the time to make it, and the care was evident in how he plated it, in the small details that made you feel seen.
"You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve better," he said softly, kissing your forehead as you both sat on the couch.
"You already give me more than anyone else ever did." The words escaped before you could think, and you met his gaze. His smile was gentle, his eyes filled with a quiet intensity that made your stpmach flip.
Bucky took your hand in his, rubbing his thumb over your skin, grounding you in the moment. There was no rush, no expectations. Just him. His gentle love, his patience, his presence.
He leaned in, brushing his lips against your forehead once more, his breath warm against your skin. "No one’s going to hurt you again. I’m not going anywhere, okay?"
You nodded.
His lips met yours in a soft, gentle kiss that told you everything: You deserved to be treated with the kindness, respect, and tenderness you’d been craving. You don’t have to beg or fight for it.
And for the first time in a long time, you believed it.
Not loud, not brash, but always there,
A love that shows its tender care.
Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed!
Tags: @princess-lil-spidey @sapphirebarnes @mgchaser @sparklystarsandstrawberries @arcadia-smith @rnurse-kole @juliebluehufflepuff @sailorsenshiuranep @alexxavicry @ficcharsimp @winchestert101 @thatesqcrush @bamitzzsam @grubler @peaches1958 @helen-2003 @ickearmn
If you'd like to be added to my taglist or just ask me, and I'll update it!
Much love x
- Maeve
#james bucky buchanan barnes#bucky barnes#beefy bucky#bucky barnes fanfic#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes comfort#bucky barnes angst#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky x reader#bucky x you#bucky x y/n#bucky x female reader#bucky fanfic#fanfiction#fanfic#tooth rotting fluff#grumpy x sunshine#grumpy and sunshine#comehomebucky#the kids miss you#Bucky and his sunshine#my babies#valentines day#I love love#valentines day fic
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