#i need to do my hw but i just had a brain blast of ideas

[employee052]

another year, another outfit dump

wanting to expirement with his main outfit (aka the one ill draw most often) as well as playing with colours (or rather the lack of) inspired by posts abt tsp n their association with colours, n thought a full white would be interesting, since the windows of the office are white voids (in the 2013 version, some also show to be pulsing, which ik might be bc of the lighting for the rooms, but i thought it would be a cool idea of that pulsing meant it was alive) as well as the possibility of narry's outfit changing colours depending on mood.

all expirements though askjdh

[iantimony]

tuezdaze

listening: listening to more orch music...been lifting weights at the gym to rachmaninoff which feels like a power move for some reason. anyways been listening to more horn concertos/solos as well because i wanna get In The Mood to Play. i miss her (my horn). i want to restart a normal practice schedule so that i can more confidently try out for the school or community orchestra come fall. (also the guy in the first song below plays with his FEET he's SO COOL)

reading: ~nothing~ ok not quite true i've been reading a few academic papers. trying to get an idea of how to integrate the fracture geometry prof's work into mine ... my advisor said something about fault lines but in the layers-of-the-earth sense not a Big Fault Line along the tectonic plates so i'm working on piecing that together mentally.

watching: some more abby cox, and also the montery bay aquarium's Two Hour Lofi over Shrimp type videos lol

playing: a lil minecraft ... not that much tho :v probably more tonight or tomorrow, basically whenever i finish my quantum hw

making: THE QUANTUM SHAWL IS COMPLETE!!! gotta upload these pics to my ravelry still but :D im wearing it to class today gotta see if the prof clocks it as The Thing I've Been Doing In His Class Since October

i also made some yummy salmon......i had to freeze about half of it because for some reason i thought it would be wise to buy Two and a Half Pounds of Salmon so i froze half and then cooked the rest over the weekend with a mustard dill sauce. yumb.

pivoting crafts now though to finally finish up that embroidery project that is uhhh over a year in the making and a gift for a friend. it's so close to being done. i need to fucking finish it.

misc: had a brain blast and did sooo much of my quantum hw this weekend which is. wild. maybe im not braindead. uhhh what else, i had to gently slide into a conversation that im in a relationship because i was getting a Vibe and i did Not want to give any impressions that i was interested in him and apparently that might have been the case. oops. sorry bro :\. relatedly i'm putting together a little valentines day care package for my partner including the Fish Fear Me shirt that i just purchased and hopefully will arrive by the end of the week. i also got myself one of their wizard designs because they're soooo good

i think im gonna send lil valentines things to a bunch of my friends though, even if its just a cute lil card and some stickers. You Are All My Valentine. so stay tuned for that ig

[fatass-verified]

A lil update, mostly what I've been up to and future plans and whatnot

Oh well, how the turntables. Looks like I'm back, my phone is gone now, it turned off and won't turn on anymore so I'm using my old ass laptop again, I can't make any kind of posts or stories on instagram so I guess I'm gonna get back on here, I wanted to delete this one and make a new blog cuz I don't feel like going through the people I follow and weeding out people so my dash is good again but I also want my name so idk, maybe I'll start anew with a new identity and not even tell people this is my old blog lol idk we'll see, anyway idk if I can call this recovery, but basically I've stopped starving myself, and I'm trying my best not to binge eat anymore (and failing miserably, but at least my binges aren't that big so meh), but I've been wanting to get back on track and lose some weight since I'm literally almost back at my hw but I had very important exams these passed couple weeks so I've been eating enough to be studying aka too much cuz I can't get shit done unless I do it with a million other shit so I just blast music and text my friends and eat and keep drinking stuff the whole time whatever lol I'm rambling again, SO, I still got exams but I'm positive I can pull off the rest while starving I already finished the important ones so idrc about the rest, and I wanna start changing my relationship with food.

Me and food... It's a long story. Growing up not knowing whether this will be the last time you can afford this food you really like or food in general really while also not "owning" anything around you really fucks you up. I took my merry time trying to figure out why I'm like that with food and... I think that's why, I don't know if this will be the last apple I'm gonna eat, I didn't know that was the last bar of chocolate I was ever gonna have when I ate it and look, I haven't had another since ages cuz it's too expensive and rare to find in stores now, same goes for a lot of other stuff, not to mention that at home, nothing's really mine, I don't work cuz I just turned 18 five days ago so I couldn't work before and now we're in the middle of a pandemic AND an economic crisis so no way in hell I can find a job and I'm not even done with highschool let alone have any kind of degree or work experience... shit rambling again okay so what I was saying is that I don't make money, and my parents don't believe that I need allowance because they're buying me food so what do I need money for, which would be right if they saw that food as "mine", which they don't, I'm always getting shamed for eating the food even when they buy it for me, and when they do buy my favorite food I don't know if there'll be any left the next day cuz the could and probably will eat it, and then we don't have any more money left to buy more so I don't get any more... And yeah my logical brain tells me this is stupid, but that really IS the problem now that I've been thinking about it and working hard at noticing queues, when I know they don't like the food I have and want, I don't feel the urge to binge on it as much, and when I know I'll be able to buy more once I run out I also don't do it as much, add up to it that I'm expected to make sure I leave a bit for each one of them even if that means I can barely eat from the food they allegedly bought for ME and no one even considers me, and it's not just food it's everything but I'm not getting into this right now, like they'd buy food and make food for themselves and not give me any even when I'm around, and like deadass I'd wait for them for dinner multiple times so we eat together and they end up eating out together not only without me and without bringing me any, but also without telling me they're not gonna eat home when they know i'm waiting for them, so yes this has made me lose sense of safety around food I guess, and moving out to my grandma really helped with that actually, I'm glad I did that even tho my grandma is literally two steps away and I see them everyday and stuff it's still better than living there, it is a challenge to fast and exercise here but I'll make it work I'll figure it out.

Soo yeah now that I figured it out I feel it's easier for me to help myself, and I wanna relapse in starvation really really bad like y'all got no idea, and to be completely honest, I've only ever cut out one thing and it's sugary drinks, and I've done an amazing job at it I almost never have it anymore, and I really wanna add some stuff to the list, and I wanna start with my favorite, bread, which I've said is impossible my whole life cuz like 90% of my daily intake is bread, so it's gonna be tricky, but I really wanna cut it cold turkey like I did with liquid calories and animal products (okay the animal products one I can't take credit for it since it literally disgusts me now that I've done my research on the animal industry and veganism and whatnot) but I think this one is gonna be a bit more gradual, mainly cuz I don't want my grandma to notice much and I might slip up a couple times but I really wanna be able to say "oh I don't eat bread" one day, like not because of carbs and that bullshit but because I like it so much, and like liquid calories and bread... they're like essential to most people, so I guess people would be impressed knowing that I don't eat bread as much as it impresses them when I say "oh I don't drink x" or "oh yeah I never put sugar in my tea" or "oh yeah the only coffee I drink is black coffee"... weird ik lol, and I also wanna cut of fried food at some point, like I technically only eat fries when it comes to "fried food" but I wanna be able to cut it off as well, that would make me happy, a food that once used to have control over me doesn't even tempt me anymore... that's... that would be a dream come true. Hmmm what else, that's mainly it, I barely ever have chocolate or sweets anymore cuz of money so that's not a problem anymore so I'mma work on those first then I'll see what's next, maybe pasta? But then again I don't wanna be cutting out just carbs lol it's not intentional I just wanna cut off my favorite foods, okay maybe chips next, definitely chips next, even before the fries, I think I'mma do that starting now, we barely have chips but I really like it and have never had it without binging, sooo yeah I guess that's it. Anyway, this has been a long one, I'll definitely be posting more unless I decide to change my blog, soo yeah see y'all later

[the-100-meta-library]

Dear followers and meta fans!

Today, we present you the first segment of a series of interviews that will feature the brains and minds behind all those wonderful analyses floating around The 100’s tumblr tag.

For our first interview, we are pleased to welcome Elizabeth, also known as the lovely @hawthornewhisperer!

We connected with Elizabeth back in May, before Season 4, Episode 12. So this a little bit of a blast from the past. Read to see how right-- and wrong-- we were about some speculating. 

We’d like to thank Elizabeth again for her time, and the supporters of the Meta Library who encouraged us. Keep an eye out for the next interview!

The 100 Meta Library (bellamysfern):    The first questions are just about some background info. Anything you feel comfortable releasing to the internet. Who are you, what do you do, how does that affect how you write meta (if it has any effect at all), and your level of fandom experience.

Hawthornewhisperer: Okay, well, first of all, thanks for interviewing me! This is an honor and I appreciate you guys doing this.

You can call me Elizabeth, and I'm a writer-slash-historian living in Minnesota. I teach college courses on European history and write romance novels on the side (second one should be out this year!)

In terms of how that influences my meta, I've found that both of my jobs dovetail very well into analyzing the show.  

As a historian, my main lenses of analysis are gender and imperialism so I tend to apply those to the show as well-- in what ways do characters fulfill our expectations of femininity/masculinity, and in what ways do they challenge it? What does that tell us about the characters?  

My imperialist/colonialist focus also helps me sort out what the writers are saying (either intentionally or unintentionally) with regards to hegemonic cultures, etc.

As a writer, I try to think about the choices the writers room is making and what that tells us about the story

Oh, and fandom experience-- I wrote fic for The Hunger Games (Gale/Madge, mostly) but The 100 is probably the first fandom I've been very active in.  But my first true fandom is probably Star Wars.

BF: That's absolutely amazing. I feel like anything with fandom can be trivialized, but so much work goes into writing meta and thinking about the choices made on the show.

HW: Yes, definitely!  

I have very strong feelings about the importance of fandom, particularly transformative fandom (fics, headcanons, etc) as a primarily female space and how important that is to protect and take seriously.

BF: Right. And I know you write fanfic too (very good fanfic, btw).

Do you think writing meta influences how you think about fanfiction? They are two different ways of interacting with a show, but both require authors to really understand the material.

HW: Oh yeah, definitely!  

I see fic and meta as two sides of the same coin-- writing meta

helps me understand characters better, because if I can explain why Bellamy or Clarke would make a particular choice in a particular episode that helps me craft their characters in fics in a way that feels true (or I hope so, at any rate.)

And writing fic helps with meta, because I have a little insight into how writers make decisions.  In particular it makes me slightly more sympathetic to plot twists that seem to have no clear resolution because I frequently write ficlets with cliffhangers and then have *no idea* where it's going after that, because sometimes I just like to raise the stakes for myself.  Of course, there's a major difference in that my fics are only limited by my imagination and can go in any direction I choose, whereas the show has actor contracts, studio pressure, budgets, filming limitations, and a dozen writers working on one story, and they’re getting paid to do this so they should be really be better at it than me.

BF: Is there anything you've ever read (fic or meta) that surprised you? Any interpretation or theory that influenced the way you thought about the show?

HW: You know, most of my favorite metas and theories come from the Meta Station podcast, and I wouldn't say it's *surprising* but I do think my favorite theory this season is probably Erin's suggestion that Bellamy will be key to brokering peace between all the clans.  (I think we got the start of it in the most recent episode, actually, with his faith in Octavia).  It wasn't a direction I'd initially considered for his character, but it fits very well with the story they've been telling thus far this season and I hope we see it come to fruition.

In terms of influence, one thing I really enjoy about fandom is how *collective* it all is-- lots of people come up with complementary ideas that fit together and overlap in really intriguing ways, which makes narrowing down influence kind of difficult.  But on a personal level, I do toss ideas back and forth with @reblogginhood a lot, which probably shows in my writing.

BF: Haha, my fill of meta usually comes from Meta Station too. I just listened to the segment talking about fic and fandom with Chash and thought "Wow, this is great interview prep".

HW: I can't wait to listen to that!  Those are three of my favorite fandom people, talking about my favorite topics, so I'm excited.

BF: I know, I was so excited when I saw the announcement. It was super cute and funny. Anyway, back on topic.

So for you, meta is a more collective thing. Do you have a writing process and need to go through the same steps every time, or does it vary?

HW: It varies, for sure.  Sometimes I realize something and can just throw it all together very quickly, and sometimes my idea is very vague and I have to write and write and write (and talk it over with people) before I really figure out what I'm saying.  But after writing a dissertation I'm pretty used to writing six different versions of the same idea before I feel like I've found it.  I just edit those metas very heavily as no one needs to read four false starts. 😉

BF: So the amount of time it takes to write metas varies too.

Are there any characters/themes that come easier than others?

HW: Oh definitely.  

Bellamy is probably the easiest for me to understand, followed by Clarke. There are other characters that just don't *speak* to me/I have less interest in writing meta on, but that doesn't mean I dislike them.  

Roan, for instance-- he's probably my favorite minor character in the whole show but I don't have too much desire to get into his headspace for some reason.

The-100-Meta-Library (parapluiepliant): We could have had it all. Still in denial about Roan by the way.

HW: I'll always be in denial about Roan, but he will live eternal, shiny, and chrome in all of my fics so at least we have that.

PP: Yippieh! Something to look forward to!

BF: I am still in real actual denial because I thought I saw something about Zach coming back for season five.

HW: I would totally be fine with time travel becoming a thing on the show if it meant someone could go back in time and save Roan.

PP: Talking about time travel: let's go back in time.

I just scrolled a bit through your The 100 meta tag and came upon "Bellamy Blake, Clarke Griffin, and The Iliad". It was one of your first metas, or am I wrong? 

Even though that referred to season 3, would you say that some of it still holds true for season 4?

HW: It probably wasn't my first meta, just the first one I bothered tagging-- I'm terrible about that, and I apologize to everyone for my poor organizational skills.

BF: I'm right there with you with the tagging.

HW: You know, I'm not sure it does hold true for season 4?  The core of the Iliad is hubris, rage, and war between nations being manipulated by the gods, and that doesn't seem to be the story they're telling in season 4.

I will say, in retrospect I do think both Clarke and Bellamy were the Achilles in season 3 -- Clarke for separating herself from the fight, and Bellamy because it was his anger over Mount Weather 2.0 that incited a lot of the conflict.

(But I also doubt they were doing a straight parallel, so take that for what it's worth)

PP: Okay. Just a thought. I am not that familiar with the Grounders (and to the Arkadians to some extent) might still be an entertaining thought.

HW: Ooooh yes, that would work very well, especially since I suspect conflict between Becca and Cadogan is at the root of a lot of problems the societies are facing.

BF: I did find it interesting that the brought the Iliad in so explicitly. And there was a lot of speculation based on it, when maybe so much worth shouldn't have been placed on the Iliad/Odyssey.

But we won't know until the end, I guess.

HW: Yeah, it's tough to know what is meaningful and important and what's just a fun, throwaway moment until you've got a complete narrative to examine.  But I do enjoy how fandom can take something like "Bellamy gets a present that probably just means he's a Big Ol' Nerd" and turn it into a coherent, unifying gloss on the season.

PP: One of the most entertaining and enlightening things in the fandom for me.

HW: Yeah, me too.  

Fandom is such an enriching experience in so many ways.

PP: Another question in that regard: Is there a meta of yours of which you are most proud of? Or which you thought of as the most fun to read/the most clarifying in regard to certain aspects?

HW: I think the one I'm proudest of would be the one I wrote about Bellamy undercutting the Alpha Male trope, because I find "how we perform and understand gender" to be a really interesting topic, and I think Bellamy as a character really complicates our understanding of what it means to be an alpha male.  

And I think some of that is directly intended by the writers, but I also think some of it comes from the performances (Bob in particular, but also Ian, Eliza, and Mike Beach because he's not just reading what's on the page, he's reacting to their performances as well.)

It makes Bellamy into a really interesting and nuanced character in a way that draws me in.

PP: Absolutely! One of the reasons I love him so much.

BF: Do you have a lot of interaction with your meta? Do people mostly reblog or like it, or do you get some conversations going?

HW: I think mostly people just like and reblog posts, but every so often someone will add something to my meta that I hadn't considered/seen before and it'll just blow my mind. I love it when that happens.

And sometimes people send PMs to respond and I end up having long, in depth conversations about characters with people I've never met before, and I *also* love that. I've made some really great friends that way.

BF: Fandom friendships are so interesting that way.

HW: Yeah, definitely.  

I really treasure the friendships I've made in fandom, and I know they'll outlast the show itself, which is wonderful.

BF: Yeah, definitely contradicts everything people told you about everyone on the internet being dangerous. But I haven't met an axe murderer yet.

HW: Haha right?  *fingers crossed*

PP: Who says that I am not one?

HW: Oh no! Haha!

BF: You are on the other side of the ocean. I think I'm good. Well, that was all questioning that I had. Laura?

PP: I would have one last question.

Can we hope for another meta pretty soon and if so, can you already tease it a bit?

HW: You know, there's nothing that I'm currently writing, I think because most of the stuff I'm interested in from 411 (the Bellarke fallout) seems to be on hold until 412, but I also tend to work best in response to prompts/questions.

So is there something you'd like me to talk about/you're interested in discussing?

BF: What’s your Becca/Cadogan speculation?

HW: Oooh, good one!  

I think Cadogan's messed up childhood (Jaha mentioned an abusive father) is going to resurface, and I suspect it was a conflict between him and Becca that set things into motion. I have my fingers crossed for a flashback!

PP: Definitely. Oh, I missed that with Jaha because my stream didn't work properly. I really need to watch it so I can catch up!

HW: The Jaha-Cadogan mention was just a throwaway line, however, so I might be putting too much weight on it. And as for the Bellarke fallout, I do think Clarke holding a gun on him and then being unable to pull the trigger, even though she truly believed the human race might die if she didn't pull it, is going to carry a lot of weight in their relationship.

Clarke has consistently been shown as willing to put her own wants and needs and loves aside in order to save people, and this is one of the first times we see her make a heart choice instead of a head choice, if that makes sense.

But Clarke's decision to not shoot Bellamy was really big, and while I'm disappointed we didn't get the fallout immediately, I think 411 was a really busy episode and I have hopes that it will be addressed in some respect in 412.

BF: Thanks so much for taking so much time to talk to us!

HW: Of course!  Thank you for interviewing me-- this was really fun!