#i need to break/do something that doesn't harm myself or anyone else

[vriska-serketboard]

ayo can somebody give me tips about how to either tone down or get rid of my anger at my syntax professor bc i am angry at her to a point where it is physically painful

[queen-of-deans-booty]

Brother's Keeper: Final Part

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.1k

Warnings: canon angst and violence, extra angst, feeling broken and utterly helpless to the point of depression

Summary: The repercussions of every bad thing you did while being soulless hit you like a freight train at full speed. There are no words that can describe how broken you feel. Sam and Dean manage to break the spell and lift the curse but what did you let out in return?

Season Ten Masterlist

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. I love seeing any and all comments <3

x

After setting the food up, he starts spray painting symbols onto one of the tables. He takes out the ingredients to summon someone. He says something in Latin and the entire place shakes with power. Ten minutes later, you know exactly what Dean is up to.

"Dean, don't do this," you whisper but he ignores you.

"Don't tell me that's queso."

You and Dean turn to see Death standing in the middle of the restaurant.

"Yes. Queso and taquitos and tamales." Dean grabs the tray of food and moves it closer to Death. "Bought by yours truly all with the bad fat." Death sniffs at the food and nods in approval. "Consider it an offering."

"For?"

"I want you to put a wall in Y/N's mind."

"What? No," you say, getting a burst of energy.

"Y/N, have you seen yourself in the mirror? Do you really want to feel this way?"

"I deserve to feel this way!" you yell. "After everything I've done, I deserve to feel broken!" I am broken. I'm worthless. You turn to Death. "I don't want the wall. I want to think about every bad thing I did because I deserve the hell I put myself into!"

Dean only knows you're lashing out because you're hurt. He doesn't have time to argue with you. He'll convince you to put a wall up eventually... hopefully. Death clears his throat and takes a bite of one of the taquitos.

"Can you get rid of our Marks?"

"Yes."

"Why do I feel like there is a 'but' coming?"

"Before there was light, before there was God and the archangels, there wasn't nothing. There was the Darkness, a horribly destructive, amoral force that was beaten back by God and his archangels in a terrible war. God locked the Darkness away where it could do no harm, and he created a Mark that would serve as both lock and key, which he entrusted to his most valued Lieutenant, Lucifer. Then the Mark began to assert its own will, revealed itself as a curse, and began to corrupt. Lucifer became jealous of man. God banished Lucifer to Hell. Lucifer passed the Mark to Cain, who passed the Mark to you two, the proverbial fingers in the dike."

"Darkness?" you ask.

"I know where your Mark resides, Y/N. It's ironic that it chose that place to be instead of your arm like Dean's. You know the Darkness by another name."

"Amara," you whisper.

"Yes."

"Well, that is just fan-fucking-tastic, isn't it?" Dean scoffs and shakes his head.

"I can remove the Mark but only from one of you, not both, to ensure that the lock remains unbroken and the Darkness remains banned."

You and Dean look at each other.

"Take it off her," Dean says before he can stop himself.

"What? No, take it off him."

"Y/N, I am not in the mood."

"Neither am I. I took this Mark to bear it with you so you wouldn't do this alone. If it means you get to be free, I'm okay with having it."

Dean steps closer to you and grabs your hands and you look up at him with tears in your eyes.

"I can't let you go through that again. I can't let you be her again."

"And I can't let you be him."

"Only one needs it, the other will be free unless you are giving someone else up to take the burden."

"We can't do that to anyone else," you whimper.

Dean takes another bite of food and moans at the taste.

"What if I told you I could relocate you two somewhere far away, not even on this Earth, where you would still be alive, but no longer a danger to yourself or to others?"

"What?" You look down at your feet as the tears fall from your eyes. "What about our kids?"

"They'll have Sam."

Can I really leave my kids behind to protect them from me? They'd be safe from you, from her. You wouldn't be around to hurt them. Sam's taken care of Joanna for a year before, he can do bit again for the rest of their lives.

"We'll do it," you say to Death, "only if you let us say goodbye to Sam."

"As you wish."

Dean calls his brother and gets him to come to the restaurant. He doesn't know what's going on or why he sounds like this is goodbye so he rushes over as fast as he can. You're standing off to the side looking down while Dean is standing in the middle of the room when Sam enters.

"Dean?"

"I gave it a shot, Sammy."

"What is this?"

"We need to talk."

"Whatever you are thinking of doing, don't. There is another way. You two don't need to go with him. You two don't need to die!"

"We're not going to die, Sam. He's... sending us away."

"Sending you away? What do you mean? Like outer space?" he asks sarcastically.

"No, well, he didn't say outer space."

"This is madness, Dean!"

"Far from it, I'm afraid," Death says.

"No one's asking you," Sam glares.

"Our conundrum is simple, Sam. Your brother and his wife cannot be killed, and the Mark cannot be destroyed, not without inciting a far greater evil than any of us have ever known."

"What evil?"

"Amara, Sam." He looks at you. "He's talking about Amara."

He knows the hell she put you through. Is he willing to release her in order to save you and his brother? I'm not worthy enough to be saved. Please just let me go.

"Even if I remove Dean and Y/N from the playing field, we're still left with you--loyal and dogged--who I suspect will never rest until he sets his brother and his best friend free, will never rest until his brother and his best friend is free of the Mark, which simply cannot happen, lest the Darkness be set free."

"What?" you ask and look at Death. "You said nothing about killing Sam!"

He's not the one who should be dead.

"You traded my life? This isn't you. This doesn't make any sense."

"No, it makes perfect sense if you stop thinking about yourself for one damn minute!" Dean shouts. "Remember when we were in that church, making Crowley human, about to close the Gates of Hell? Well, you sure as hell were ready to die for the greater good then."

"Yeah, and you two pulled me back."

"I was wrong." His voice hardens. "You were right, Sam. You knew that this world would be better without us in it."

Yes, the world would be better off without me in it. Please let me go.

"No, no, no, wait a second. You're twisting my words here, Dean."

"Why? Because we track evil and kill it? The family business? Is that it? Look at the tape, Sam. Evil tracks us and it nukes everything in our vicinity--our family, our friends. It's time we put a proper name to what we really are and we deal with it."

"What about your kids, huh?" Sam looks at you. "What about your kids, Y/N? Who is going to raise them?"

"I'm doing this for them, Sam." I'm poison. I ruin everything I touch. "What if I had gotten to them? What if I hurt them?"

"No, stop it! We are not evil. We're far from perfect but we're good. That thing on your body is evil but not us."

"No, there is no other way, Sam. I'm sorry." Sam punches his brother in the face and Dean nods. "Good, fight."

Dean punches his bother in the face, and you squeeze your eyes shut as you remember what you did to Castiel. The hurt you put on him... for making him choose... I don't deserve to be forgiven. I'm broken. I'm poison. I hate myself. You look down and let tears fall from your cheeks at the words you're telling yourself.

You're blocking out what Sam and Dean are doing as you're stuck inside your own mind. The pain you caused, the people you killed. Death keeps an eye on the brothers and walks over to you.

"I could put a wall up if you wanted me to."

"No, I deserve this."

"No one deserves what you're putting yourself through."

"I do," you whisper. "I--" You shake your head. "It doesn't matter."

You look at the brothers and see Sam on his knees in front of Dean with blood on his face. Death leaves your side and approaches Dean with his scythe.

"Please, do me the honor."

You turn away from the brothers because you can't bear to watch this.

"Close your eyes." A pause. "Sammy, close your eyes."

"No, I want you to look me in the eyes if you're going to kill me. Just know that when you find your way back, I hope you remember what it was like to be good... what it was like to love."

"It's for family that you must proceed, Dean," Death says. "To be what you are, to become what you've become is a stain on their memory. Do it or I will."

Dean grips the scythe and swings it. Sam closes his eyes thinking he will be dead in seconds but Dean passes by his brother and stabs Death in the abdomen with his own scythe. Death looks shocked at what Dean did only to crumble to dust.

"Did you really think I'd kill you?" Dean says and pulls his brother up. You turn to see a pile of dust where Death is standing. "You're a pain in the ass but not enough to kill you."

Sam laughs in relief and Dean turns to you.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?"

No. I don't think I will be.

Crowley got the ingredients easily and came back with Oskar in tow. Rowena smiles when she sees him and pulls him in for a hug.

"You've grown so big. Not too big to give your old auntie Rowena a hug I hope."

"I hope I haven't hurt you."

"Don't think about that one moment. Everything's fine, Oskar. Everything's fine." Rowena looks over his shoulder and glares at her son. She has a fountain pen in her hand that she will use to kill him. "Nobody's hurting anybody." She pulls away from him. "Goodbye, my sweet wee boy."

She takes the pen and stabs it into his neck. Oskar looks shocked at the betrayal and she bends him over so that his blood pours into a metal bowl on the table. Inside the bowl are the other two ingredients which make the spell complete. Oskar falls to the ground and she puts her hands on the table before chanting in Latin.

"Are you okay?" Dean asks his brother.

"I'll live."

You walk over to Sam and lift your hands as if you're going to heal him with your magic. The same magic that hurt people. The same magic that killed people. No, you can't use magic. You lower your hands and your gaze to the floor. Without Death to distract you, you're forced to think about the bad things you've done. You squeeze your eyes shut tightly. I don't deserve to be saved. Please let me go.

"Are you okay, Y/N?" Dean asks.

No. "I guess."

Suddenly, a loud and shrill shrieking sound can be heard.

"Does that sound right to you?" Dean asks.

Red lightning crashes through the roof of the restaurant and strikes Dean's forearm where his Mark is. Another bolt of lightning strikes you where your Mark is. You gasp in pain and almost fall to your knees from how intense it is. It's gone within seconds, taking both your Marks with it. You pull down your shirt and see the last remnants of the Mark fade away.

"They did it. Our Marks are gone," you gasp. Your head feels lighter and free. It's like the darkness that was inside of you faded away with the Mark. That still doesn't undo what you did. Right. "It worked. The spell worked."

You three leave the restaurant slowly, unsure that this is real life.

"This is good. Dean, this is good. The Mark is off your arm. Nothing crazy happened."

"Yeah. I'm sure everything's perfectly fine," Dean says sarcastically.

Suddenly, a loud thunder cracking sounds from above and you look to the sky. Dark red clouds roll in with red lightning striking through the chaos. Lightning strikes the ground, scaring you to your bones, and the clouds are coming your way.

"What the hell did we let out?" Sam asks.

"Amara," you say.

The ground starts rumbling and columns of black smoke erupt from the spots where the red lightning struck. All the columns converge into a huge rolling cloud of black smoke.

"Get in the car. Go, go, go!" Dean urges.

You three run toward the car and pile inside. Dean barely gets it on when the black clouds smash into the car. The Impala lifts off the ground and is overturned, and you slam your head into the side of the car hard, causing you to black out. When you open your eyes, there is a hand outstretched toward you.

Amara stands in front of you with a smile on her face. You take her hand and a jolt of electricity runs through your body. She pulls you to your feet but she doesn't let go of your hand. She chuckles at your terrified look.

"It's nice to finally meet you in person. Thank you for setting me free."

x

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[ladinthehat]

I literally can't fall asleep because I remembered Wayhaven exists, and I am going to make this a problem not only for myself, but anyone else who sees this post as well. I don't even write posts but I really need to throw my thoughts out somewhere lmao

Warning: spoilers for every TWC book, what did you expect. Also talks about mommy/daddy issues and some mentions of harmful stereotypes about POC, both in media and real life. ALSO probably lots of mistakes and rambling, it's literally 3 am give me a break

Wayhaven is such a promising series of books that fell so flat with book 3, even though some could argue there were already issues popping up in book 2. I, personally, enjoyed it just as much as the first one, but that's up to anyone's opinion. Hold on, this deserves a whole list.

My personal and biggest gripe, MC's relationship with their mom. To write something so complex and then chuck it down to two choices (the choices being "forgive your mom" or "don't forgive your mom and everyone will make you feel like a piece of shit") feels so disappointing, especially if you consider what people with parental issues usually deal with irl. Of course there are people who choose to forgive their parent or not, but more often than not (and, as a result of that, what feels most realistic to write in a book) they end up somewhere in-between - it's a bittersweet relationship which you can either choose to continue or not, but the past memories and missed childhood can't just be forgotten and thrown under the rug. That's what MC's relationship with Rebecca could've been, too: a *complex* relationship that can either continue or get cut off completely, and it's a choice that should be respected, because a child that has been neglected has the full right to not trust their willingly neglectful parent again. And to some degree the author does try to achieve it, but in the end you will still have only two choices. And also, in Wayhaven you can literally feel what option author considers to be correct and not choosing that gets you punished severely, e.g. the carnival situation and every dialogue where you choose to not be cordial with Rebecca (the author never forgets to mention how you made everyone feel terrible. "Congrats you piece of shit, you ruined everything because you just can't accept that your mom wants to be buddy buddy again, ugh.") This pattern of turning complex situations into only having yes/no answers, with a negative choice having severe punishments, is such a recurring pattern throughout the whole book series that at this point it feels like a feature that I just didn't get (e.g you don't even get a choice if you want to join the agency or not, you just do, because that's the correct option). Also, I don't believe that literally no one, not even MC's best friends or partner, would try to see their side or god forbid agree with MC cutting contact with Rebecca.

You can literally feel that N and A are supposed to be the star children of TWC. While it was less obvious in book 1, it can't be ignored anymore in books 2 and 3. It does feel even more weird because M and F have the darkest complexions out of the cast, and are depicted as overtly sexual/flirty for absolutely no reason, to the point that sometimes it literally contradicts what the author established about the characters before (M can't handle most fabrics touching their skin and can't eat food because the taste of anything is too much for them, what do you mean they are hypersexual?? isn't sex one of the most stimulating things you can do that can literally be too much for a lot of people that don't even struggle with overstimulation on a daily basis??), but it doesn't feel appropriate to say too much on this issue as I'm literally as white as paper, not to mention that this topic has been brought up by many POC in the IF community who can have more nuance on this situation than I ever could. I can, however, talk about how inconsistent and over-exaggerated M and F's personalities are, compared to A and N feeling much more realistic and well-paced. I hate how M and F are mischaracterized in their own universe and all the meaningful things are overshadowed by "haha M likes sex and is lewd and aggressive" and "haha F is a silly lil' goober". Their romances suffer from it too, which brings me to-

The romance routes could be so much better. And I'm not talking about N or A obviously, even though that's another can of worms that I, frankly, don't want to open, but F and M. M is dumbed down to being aggressive, sexual and borderline feral at times, which are all GREAT traits to give all at the same time in your book to a person of color btw (they're not), but their scenes perform best when the author acknowledges that M is actually none of those things. Just them existing in the same space as MC and feeling at ease and relaxed (and, dare I say, vulnerable) feel much more intimate and rewarding than literal sex scenes, and I feel like that's what romance with M should've been about: two people, who are both lost and confused and overwhelmed in this new to them world (M from memory loss, MC from being thrown into the supernatural scene) bonding, finding comfort and familiarity in each other. Breaking all that buildup with innuendos and sexual propositions feels unnecessary, to be honest.

Continuation of the previous point, but the same could be said about F too. Poor F, the forgotten child of TWC; they're my absolute favorite, and it hurts to see them being thrown somewhere in the background as a comedic relief side character so many times. I feel like they could be the character who gets MC the most, even if they're not dating or particularly close. They have a difficult relationship with their mom, they're thrown into an unfamiliar world that's hard to navigate and it feels like everyone wants too much from them. You can't tell me that it's not some great exposition for a deeper connection between F and MC, both romantic and platonic, as well as an opportunity to explore anxiety and impostor syndrome/separation anxiety (not interchangeable, just feels like either one could fit F) in a seemingly optimistic character. But nah, they like Rebecca and are just a funny little fella. Definitely not playing into more media stereotypes of the only black character in the main cast being a flirty comedic relief.

At this point TWC is going to rival One Piece on the amount of meaningless fillers. And they wouldn't feel so meaningless if the author didn't try to mix slice-of-life and supernatural, or at least didn't mix them so poorly, but most of the time an occasional meaningless scene is thrown into the plot for some short-term tension for what feels to be absolutely no reason other than increasing the word count. Take the blood drive thing as an example of this: what was this scene for?? It started unnecessary tension, had a weird solution and just offered nothing to the rest of the book except for allowing Bobby to finally confront the RO of choice in a very awkward manner. I feel like the author promising 7 books (correct me if I'm wrong, but I remember something like that mentioned in the earliest tumblr posts) feels like a the author chewing off more than she can bite. And it sucks, because had she not had that amount of books (and subsequently a gargantuan word count) looming over her head, we could have had more actually meaningful and fulfilling scenes like ones in the bakery, literally my favorites. It could benefit the pacing, worldbuilding and reader enjoyment greatly.

I could write so much more but at this point I could just go on forever lol

[cosmicvenusnebula]

I am happy with DID, I am in love with my entire system.

I am not miserable, the amnesia is barely a disability to us despite how severe it is, and our system is a family.

I am in love with DID because it is the reason I am alive, it is not a disability to us, without my alters, without my amnesia, I would be dead.

I am lucky to have DID because it means I am still alive, and I can still experience life.

I am lucky to have my alters because they got me off the ledge of doing harmful acts to myself when nothing else could.

Multiplicity is not something I would wish upon anyone, nor is it something to be taken lightly. If you wish you had DID, you need to do some soul searching. It is still a trauma disorder.

But that doesn't mean I cannot live a happy and full life with it.

If I had the option to become one in this life, I would not take it. (not talking about final fusion, because final fusion isn't a cure, its just a healthy fusion)

(Also, not all systems will look like mine. I am so lucky to have developed a system like ours, not all systems will be happy about having DID, and that is completely valid. You do not have to be grateful for it, it is still a very painful disorder. We have had our share of misery, every day is the possibility of a trauma-induced break down, but at the end of the day we are still a team.)

[cakepoppresent]

We'll Be Okay

Everyone heads to Brindleton Bay to enjoy the end-of-summer party hosted by Veronica. A whole summer apart everyone has a lot to catch up on and enjoy their last moments of freedom before their last year of university

Heading to the kitchen to get some more things for the party, Grayson feels a little disappointed that he hasn't seen Gideon yet. It took the whole summer for him to get the courage to finally face Gideon. Not paying attention to his surroundings he hears his name being called

"Grayson"

This is awkward. Very awkward.

"We need to talk Grayson"

They sit together quietly just enjoying each other's company. They left each other on such bad terms now that they are here sitting beside each other none of them know what to say first. "I did get that tattoo. It's a dagger with a snake on my back. I'm sorry for keeping that from you. I did it because I wanted to make sure I could protect you, looking back at it now I did more harm than good. I'd do anything for you Grayson, it was a small price to pay if it meant we could be together"

"I've done things I'm not proud of. I just don't want you to think any less of me"

"I should have trusted you more. I still trust you...I was just being silly"

"My family did some unforgivable things. It was a scary situation but you don't have to worry about them anymore"

Grayson understands the meaning of those words but he wants to hear them loud and clear. Gideon still feels like the same man he grew up with but now there is an edge to him that Grayson wants to understand

"Did you...kill your grandparents?"

"No. Just Alaia..."

It's a hard pill to swallow knowing that Gideon the person he grew up with could do that. He saw Gideon through a rose-coloured lens, his Gideon was sweet, soft and comforting. He knows Gideon is still all those things but this version of Gideon is very attractive. The question at the tip of Grayson's tongue is gonna be hard but he knows this is an important step for them

"Would you hate me if I said I wanted to stay single for a little while longer?"

Those words cut at Gideon's heart. He just wants things to go back to how they were. He wants Grayson back in his life, his home and his bed. Life is empty without him.

"I could never hate you."

"I do want to get back together...eventually. But this past year has been a mess, I stopped feeling like myself with everything going on. I stopped painting, I was stressed and felt this heavy weight on my shoulders. I love you so much but this space would be good...for us"

Gideon doesn't want to take a damn break. He wants to be with Grayson officially, he wants to get married and he wants Grayson in his bed every. single. night.

"You're not allowed to see anyone else!"

"Since when were you so selfish?"

"I don't care! You can't do it! I heard something over the summer did you beat up a kid in high school for wanting to ask me out?"

"Who told you about that?"

"Answer me!"

"Yes. He was a little shit and I'd do it again" Grayson is losing his mind, Gideon has always been hot but this is at a new level and he likes it. A lot

They lay together silently. Once they get up they are stuck in this awkward place, not boyfriends but still friends, not exactly broken up either. Grayson didn't give a timeline for how long he wants their break but it's probably better this way. "Don't worry. We'll be fine"

Previous- Next

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #42: Call me your brother.

I finally got Fannie to talk, on a picnic blanket by the lake, while we shared a Gungan fish egg tea (which is merely an unfortunate name—they're tapioca pearls).

"I feel...lost," she admitted. She glanced at me, as if to gauge my reaction. "What I mean is...I've been back on Ryloth for almost four years now, doing what I always knew I'd be doing...what I thought was my life's purpose. Fighting injustice, and working to heal those who have been harmed. But...injustice never goes away, and there are always more who need help. The problems will never be fully solved..." She shook her head and bit her lip. "It's gotten to the point where I find it...hard to care anymore. And that truly frightens me. I do not want my heart to be dead."

"Hey," I said quietly. "There's a word for that, you know. Burnout. It's pretty normal."

"Well, it shouldn't be." She blinked out tears and looked at the sky. "How is it that I can listen to these women tell their stories, share their nightmares with me...and feel nothing? Or worse yet...I find myself getting bored. Or annoyed. Waiting for my lunch break. Watching the minutes with impatience while they weep. I feel like such a horrible person, and it's not like me at all. Unless I've changed, or...unless I've always been this way in secret, deep down." She looked terrified at the thought.

"That can't be it. You're the nicest person I know," I said. "Sounds like you're just a little depressed right now. And anyway...it looks like you do feel something." I took a napkin and patted the tears off her cheeks. "Have you talked to Luke about all this?"

Fannie sighed. "A little bit. Your uncle is so kind and a wonderful teacher and has good advice...but I don't think that's enough to help me. It's not like before, when I lived with him and the other Jedi and had their constant support. I go through my days alone now. And I don't know what to do."

"You're not alone," I told her. "You just have to reach out."

"Yes," she agreed. "But surely you know more than anyone that it's not as easy as it sounds, when you feel darkness all around you."

I nodded. She was right.

She laughed a little. "Imagine: me, talking about feeling darkness all around. Me, with my knitting and my ribbons and my bright pastels." She held up the corner of her sky-blue tunic with the pink ruffles she had sewn herself, and let it fall with another sigh.

"Hm, yeah." I bumped my shoulder against hers. "You know...I know a guy with a ton of black turtleneck sweaters he never wears. Maybe he can lend you some."

That got her to laugh, more genuinely this time. It felt good to make her laugh.

"Seriously though," I said. "It doesn't matter that you're Little Miss Ribbons McRuffles. Life can get anyone down. And just because you feel like this right now doesn't mean you're not still who you've always been. I know you're still you."

"Well...thank you, Ben." She smiled a little.

But then something else seemed to cross her mind, and her smile vanished like air being sucked out of an airlock. Her face grew dark and concentrated. I noticed her fingers start to twitch in her lap—a phantom knitting project.

"...Fannie? You okay?" I scooped up both her hands with one of mine and made her lose count of the invisible stitches. She looked at me, surprised, and shook her head.

"No...Ben....there's...well, there's something else going on."

Her hands were quivering. I had a feeling this was bad.

"Okay," I said solemnly. "Spill."

"It's—" She stopped abruptly, as if desperately holding back the words from leaving her mouth, then tried once more. "It's my—" She choked again and planted her face in her hands.

I got on my knees and shuffled around so I could face her. "Hey. It's okay," I said. I gently pulled her hands down.

Her eyes shot open, like sharp unseeing daggers. I jumped a little and almost withdrew my hands from hers.

"It's my youngest sister," she blurted. "Pennie." Her voice was strained, yet monotone. As if she could not feel. "My father...Pentarra..."

Then she started to crumble, her lips trembling, her eyes blinking rapidly and darting around like panicked fireflies. She took a few jagged breaths, in and out, in and out—then suddenly she locked eyes with me and spoke hoarsely.

"My father has made my sister one of his dancers."

The statement hit like a space freighter slamming into me. I stared at her.

Fannie had often told me about her family on Ryloth, her story unusual to someone who'd grown up in the Core Worlds like me. How her father Ruut Pentarra, a rich and powerful Twi’lek, had several "wives" who were really more like slaves—one of whom being Fashha, Fannie’s mother. She’d told me about her three younger sisters, Connie, Ginnie, and Pennie, and about her nine other half-siblings. And she’d told me how Pentarra praised his sons and treated them as such, but seemed to ignore his daughters.

Well...until now, at least. Ew.

"...How old is Pennie now?" I asked, after a long silence. I was thinking of my own sister, Rey, who was thirteen. I couldn't remember, but I hoped Pennie was older—not that it would make things much better.

"Nineteen," Fannie said. "But she is still more girl than woman."

I didn't know what to say. My first thought was something along the lines of "that has to be illegal," but we'd had that conversation so many times before. Ryloth was an independent world, not part of the New Republic, so their laws and law enforcement were different from ours. And anyway, Pentarra's influence and wealth protected him from a lot. Fannie had told me stories of things he'd gotten away with that I couldn't believe.

“Pennie is too immature to understand,” Fannie went on, staring hard into the distance. “She has always felt overlooked. So now, she is pleased to receive what she sees as extra attention, a recognition of her adulthood, and an honor not given to any of her sisters. And Pentarra sees Pennie’s hunger for love, and uses it to his advantage. I tried to speak to my sister, to convince her to leave, but she is so blinded by delusion that she accused me of being jealous. My heart is broken for her."

Fannie's lips curled into a faint odd smile, and she looked straight at me. Her brown eyes, normally soft and kind, were intense.

"I would love to spill my father's blood," she stated calmly, sweetly, with an eerie lilt. Her lips pulled back to reveal a feral, toothy grimace that sent a chill down my spine. "And drink it. Drop by drop."

I could only look back at her, shocked. Not at what she said, because I felt she was entitled to that sentiment (well, okay, maybe the drink-it-drop-by-drop part was just a little unhinged)—but shocked because it was coming from Fannie, the good girl Jedi who had asked me not to use swear words in front of her.

And then her eyes widened and she looked all scared and she shuddered all over and turned away. "Oh my goodness. It just came out. I'm so sorry. I can't believe I would say such a thing. You see? I'm not myself." She gave a distracted whimper and went back to her imaginary needles and yarn.

I chewed on my lip, thinking carefully. All right. Well. This was...a lot. Like...a lot a lot.

After a pause, I reached out and took her hands in mine.

"...Okay," I said slowly. "So. You're not going back to Ryloth. At least, not after we go back and get your stuff. You're gonna stay here with me for a while."

She shook her head again without looking at me. "I told you already, Ben. I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to be roommates with a boy."

"Hey." I swiped my knuckles against her cheek playfully. "I'm no boy, sister. I'm a gentleman."

“Maybe if you’d been wearing a shirt this morning, I’d believe you.”

There was just a hint of a smirk on her face—the mischievous side of her that rarely revealed itself. I rolled my eyes.

“I’m just teasing you,” she said with that tiny smirk, then cleared her throat and picked at some fuzz on the picnic blanket. “But…I don’t know, Ben.”

"Come on. I lived in the same house as Rey for three years and she's a girl."

She gave me an exasperated, are-you-stupid kind of look. "Well, of course, Ben. Rey's your sister."

"Not by blood," I reminded her. I was going somewhere with this. "What's that Twi'lek thing you always used to say? Kartakk..."

Her eyes told me she'd picked up what I was putting down (even if my Twi'leki pronunciation was atrocious). "Kartakk erai de numa,'" she finished begrudgingly. It was the phrase that Twi'lek slave women were said to have whispered to one another in passing to show camaraderie. Fannie had said it to me many times in the past.

"Which means...?" I gave her a nudge with the back of my hand.

She sighed. "'Call me your sister.'"

"Yeah. See? You're my sister, too."

“But...I can't leave Ryloth. I have my work…”

“Which is…?” I prodded. She blinked.

“...Holocounseling.”

“Exactly. You can do that from Naboo.”

She was quiet.

"...Hey," I said. "You had fun today, right?" She nodded slowly. "Well...maybe getting away for a bit is just what you need. You said you feel like you face every day alone, so...maybe it could be good for you to be less on your own. At least for a little while."

She stayed quiet. I saw her counting stitches in her head.

And then...

"...Well...maybe I can stay with you for the summer," Fannie said finally. "For just a couple of months. Till...till I can get back to my old self again."

She smiled. Genuinely. It was like that time I'd called her a month ago. Like sun breaking through the clouds.

I smiled back. It was good to see her smile.

[dream-in-seoul]

Rant about friendships coming up:

Let me make this clear, this is about people in my offline life, not about anyone here. I actually have multiple kind people checking on my wellbeing here and i appreciate you all so much even if I don't have much energy to reply and be cheerful these days 💜

However I just want to rant about how friendships have changed in the recent couple of years, at least for me and maybe someone else will find solace in my ramblings.

Ever since I became chronically ill, I lost most of my friends I made at university. Eventually, I stopped reaching out to people to hang out or talk to them because it was clear they were not interested. As my health declined, I was no longer able to travel across cities easily to visit them, and no one ever visited me. I always suggested we Skype instead, but to my surprise, people never wanted to. Now I am realising they wanted to go out not hang out with me.

One of the longest friendships I have managed to keep slowly fizzled out, probably ended already without me knowing and it is breaking my heart a bit.

This friend was willing to Skype me sometimes as it helped her pass the time when working on her art, however then she wanted to change her way of living and wanted to go out only. So I always travelled to see her and I spent the day walking around with her, hiking etc. no matter the time or weather. My friend knew how bad my health became and that hiking in heat made me close to passing out (I probably have pots) and sick and it would put me in bed for days or weeks. I always tried to be cheerful. I was happy to see my friend, but she would often lecture me about how bad my fitness was and how i would not feel as sick if I moved more (at the time I was still forcing myself to do daily walks and I had more movement daily than her).

Then she would ignore me for a few months when she had events to go to. I would get to listen the stories and sometimes was a little sad. I was never invited.

The last time we saw each other was in December. My body was throwing another issue at me (which is still lasting I am afraid) and I stood up for myself for the first time and asked whether we can skip the walking and stay in a cafe instead as I knew that even just the journey there will be harsh. My friend agreed and we sat down for a nice lunch as she told me about all the things she was watching, working on and the events she has been to. Then she told me about her new trainer and how he told her that he never tells his clients "not to do a certain exercise in a certain way so they don't fixate on it" which I guess makes sense. So I nodded and agreed and suddenly it went down the wildest rabbit hole.

I listened to my friend talk about how this works in everything in life and she will no longer listen to people's rambles about their issues because she doesn't want to go through the same thing as them because of it. If they tell her they are sick, then she would feel sick too, she concluded. (I highly doubt this is what her pt meant)

I was stunned. It wasn't hard to tell what she was hinting at. I just nodded. I respect that.

Then she asked about my worked, suggested I should either find extra work or "do something about it" and when I said, I don't think I can handle more work and that I am now dealing with a new symptom - I stopped myself and said: "I won't tell you about it of course since you have explained how harmful you find it"

"Yeah, exactly. Better not tell me, I don't want to be sick, too."

And I felt like shit. I didn't know what to talk about. My life was falling apart and I couldn't even tell my only friend.

Few months later, few days before I was due to leave to Korea, she texted me to hang out. For the first time, I declined. I was on antibiotics and needed all the rest before my flight "that is valid I guess."

Then I wished her happy birthday when it rolled around a month later. She did not remember mine. I invited her to come meet my new puppy. Of course, she never came.

Now I don't reach out, nor do I think I want her to. I don't want a friendship where I have to fake happiness to make someone else feel better. What has happened to our friendship. "Problems are for therapy" is what I have heard way too often from people who has usually never done therapy and as someone who has - no, they are not. Sometimes you need a therapist and sometimes you need a friend.

I hate how therapy culture is ruining friendships. How people grasp all those out of context sentences that ruin our sense of community.

Yes, put yourself first. I always encourage people to do that. But if you take it to extremes, are all your friends beneath you?

Yes, you don't owe anyone anything. But don't you want to have meaningful relationships where you help out and they help out?

If you want sanitised friendships, you are not experiencing friendships.

But I don't know. Perhaps I am in the wrong here.

[junipers-hellspace]

I Need Help .

Hi Tumblr. I feel pathetic for reaching out here but I have no where else to go. My name is June. I'm a 15 year old mentally unwell teen girl who is in an abusive relationship and I need help getting out of it.

My girlfriend and I have only been together for a few months. We've known each other for a little over a year now. We are both mentally ill and we both have shitty home lives. I'm recovering from a self harm addiction and anorexia. I've stayed with my girlfriend for as long as I have with hope that she would get better but she hasn't - she is actively getting worse and harming me and every one around her. I'm telling you all this so you have a backstory.

Anytime I do something that upsets my girlfriend, she threatens suicide. She will say she wants to/is going to overdose or simply kill herself and keep me up for hours trying to talk her down and then stop responding. In the morning she tells me she stopped responding because she fell asleep and didn't warn me. Every night she does this I have horrible panic attacks because when she stops responding I'm left to think she went through with it and killed herself. She does this every time I have to talk her down, which is at least once a week - normally more. This is extremely detrimental to my mental health. The thought that my girlfriend killed herself and I couldn't convince her not to is horrible, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

She's also extremely obsessive and possessive. At first, I didn't see this as a problem because I am also that way. I was also extremely obsessive towards her and toxic in that way. I admit I was wrong for that and I was toxic. But she took it further than I ever have or ever would. I recently got back in contact with an ex of mine because he reached out to me. I never intended to replace my girlfriend with him or even get back into a relationship with him. When I told her I was talking to him again she said I was going to replace her and started talking about wanting to kill herself because of this. She got into a verbal, screaming fight with her father because he wouldn't let her come to my house. She told me she planned on physically fighting him that night if he didn't let her come over and that she would stab him. She has put me above her friends and has started ignoring her friends and getting mad at them for trying to be with her and not letting her be with me every moment she can. She has damaged her relationship with her father, her mother, and her friends because of me.

She talks about wanting to kill or injure people a lot, to the point where it's not just intrusive thoughts, it's something she wants to do and as she has stated, is willing to do. She has talked about being a sadist and wanting to hurt/hit me before. And she does. She does hurt me. She bites me to the point of leaving deep marks that last days, she twists my wrists and arms until they almost break, and she never stops. I've cried and begged her to stop hurting me before and she smiled at me and didn't stop. She has a history with hitting people and being physically abusive towards her friends and family. She has told me this herself. When she gets upset, she hits things. I don't want to be one of those things.

As I stated earlier, I'm in recovery for a self harm addiction and for anorexia. My girlfriend says she supports me and will help me recover, but she doesn't. When we hug she feels the need to tell me she can still feel my rib bones so I haven't gained as much weight as I think I have - but the thing is, with recovery, the way your body looks and how much you weigh doesn't matter. You are supposed to heal your relationship with food and yes of course get to a healthy weight. I don't know if she knows how triggering what she says is because she says it a lot. She always mentions how I am still bony and it's triggering She also encouraged me to relapse and cut myself again just so I could make her a vial of my blood. She wanted me to cut myself and ruin my progress and mental health and risk getting sent back to a psych ward just so she can have a vial of my blood.

I'm scared to break up with her because if I do I know she will try to kill herself. And if she succeeds, her blood will be on my hands. I will be the one who caused it. And if she doesn't succeed, I'm scared she will come to my house and hurt me. I'm scared she will hit me or kill me. I don't know what to do. I can't tell her parents and I can't tell my own because that would be unsafe and I would be put in more danger.

That's why I'm coming here. I need help. Any help. I need advice. What do I do. If you get this on your feed and you read this far, please reblog. It could save my life. Thank you

[petite-ursus]

With my birthday next week (eeee!) I finally managed to get some journaling done. 7 pages and I only got a fraction of the summer onto paper. So many wonderful and strange and exciting things have happened the last few months... it's just so difficult to sum it up.

I've mentioned there's a part of me that wishes I was at a point where I felt safe to be emotionally available... to really put an effort into dating again... but I think because it has been such a whirlwind summer with Options At Hand I just keep forgetting how little time has past since the ex finally got out of my house.

It was less than a year ago that I was waking up every morning literally drenched in sweat. I was still being touched when I didn't want it. I wasn't being allowed to sleep through the night. I was anxious and scared, sad and lonely in a way I've never experienced before, and honestly it feels so surreal now.

I'm sure the ex has been madly in and out of love at least twice in the time it has taken me just to feel okay again... that's who she is, and I don't view that as a flex. Still, there is a part of me that wishes I could have snapped back even half so quickly and that I had a wonderful gorgeous partner on my arm to validate to the world that I'm Good... that's just not where I am.

She terrorized me. Threw my furniture. Screamed at me. Took over my bedroom and wrecked my sleep. Wouldn't get out of my house, and made the place I loved most into a palace of eggshells. She intentionally made me doubt my judgement, made me feel small and unsure... and yeah, I've spent the last year recovering the self she saw and wanted to have, if not love. Excavate her from the wreckage. Whatever.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I'm still afraid. Not of her, because she has no access to me... but of what I allowed, and could allow again. Hindsight is 20/20 and I see now how she was like a copy paste in a lot of ways of other people I've loved. The difference of course being that while those relationships were rocky they were based in mutual love. I've been mulling on what a difference that makes... What habits that allows to form. They all had these similar through lines, but with her it was a more dangerous iteration because she wanted to possess me as someone she saw value in... but never actually loved me as a person. Being with her forced me confront some very real relationship patterns of my own, without that glammer of love to make the acts of violence less damning. Who I choose. Why I choose them. The full depth of the harm choosing people like that can do to me. I want to believe that now, having been through that I'll make different choices. I know even as I'm browsing the apps I'm doing it differently than I did before... but people lie, and I don't want to enter my next relationship with my guard all the way up. There's only so much I can do, and then I have to trust another person...

I still can't imagine letting anyone into my home again. I don't know if that's something I'll ever be able to do.Though I hope I say this like a character in a book who doesn't know she's going to be living with the love of her life in 5 chapters(years.)

Two weeks ago was one of the first times since she destroyed the peace I found in my home, where I looked around and said, "Oh I love it here," again. The animals are all happy and healthy, the string lights and plants and all my rocks and decorations make my heart sing. There's no mess and no clutter. I think, maybe now that I have a landing space again... a real refuge again that doesn't feel just like... a place where something terrible happened, with gaps in the furniture and wall decorations where my things were removed to make space for her... maybe now I can get there, to a place where I can let someone else in... but man... tldr, I really just need to give myself a break and let it happen when it happens. It was so so bad. I've had such a wonderful year by comparison that the edges of my memory have softened and made me feel like I should be "back at it," with the life goals that involve another person... but like so bad my actual health deteriorated and I was literally in the hospital. It is OK that it is taking time (LESS THAN A YEAR) to process it all and heal from it. SHOULDERS take more time to fully heal than that sometimes.

Life is so long. There is so much time.

And also, as an aside... I've been rolling around in my head what a surprise blessing it is that in seeing how unloved I was in this last relationship I'm able to find real love in my past relationships where I'd been unsure of it before, because it was so clearly there by comparison. Not that I'd go back to these other people, not that it changes any of the things that were/went wrong, but to know that even if I wasn't loved well... I was loved... That's valuable to me. That's a gift I wasn't expecting.

[butchdykekondraki]

Genuine question irt personality disorders vs things like ADHD, autism, DID, and schizophrenia(might be long so sorry). Anyone with a personality can be categorized into having a "personality disorder" yes, even if those traits are seen as "positive" and "unintrusive" to others. It's just a way to categorize someone's personality type so it's easier to break down and understand the patterns in ones behaviors. I'm AuDHD, and knowing this has helped me tremendously in being able identify my triggers or whatever and cope with them. But no amount of therapy will get rid of my sensory issues. I can just learn to cope better with them. People with like, NPD, CAN go to therapy and deconstruct their behaviors and work on growing from the ones they have that are harmful to themselves and others and that can essentially (for lack of a better word) "cured" with therapy. Things like narcissism aren't genetic. There are some studies showing a difference in grey matter in the brains of people with narcissism but this hasn't been studied deep enough to know whether it actually relates to the narcissism, or something else (like sociopathy or schizophrenia). Also, when it comes to narcissism(speaking about npd bc I have the most personal experience with this pd) usually, the neurotypical peak status quo, the epicenter of success, if a title given to a lot of narcissists. They're more likely to be successful in relationships, and careers, and socializing. It's the harmful behaviors that are criticized, but that is also seen as status quo. My audhd is biological. No amounts of therapy can change that biology, it can only make me better at coping with the symptoms. So I guess, my question is, if therapy can untangle and heal the personality disorder, and if the personality disorder is often gives the impression of a successful person, then how is it neurodivergent? I am one who sticks to my guns when I say "narcissistic abuse" because my mother is a narcissist. Only in the past few years has she been going to therapy, but even in that short amount of time, the things she did that were abusive to others and beneficial for her, she can now identify and deconstruct. She's not heartless because she is a narcissist. It's just a personality trait that's always benefited her. Her being taught and understanding her actions and thoughts and where they come from, has improved her relationship with herself and others tremendously and half the time, it seems like she doesn't even have npd anymore. I see a lot of these posts, and for me, it seems like it's coming from a narcissist, who's personality is very beneficial for them(aside from when they're called out for being abusive), and that they discourage nuanced conversations around this topic, as well as diverts the need to take personal responsibility for ones actions(which is an NPD trait). I understand now everyone has access to the right treatment, and I'm not here to say ppl with personality disorders are evil(there are many personality disorders that signify someone is too kind&compassionate as well) but it just seems there's more of a focus on trying to hide the difference between biological neurodivergence, and society/environment influenced personality patterns. I think doing this makes it so people can't actually find the resources they need and don't actually critique their actions and behaviors and just say "it's nothing I can change/improve" which isn't true. I can't change a lot of my biological symptoms, but I can improve my personality and perception and cope better in order to not hurt others or myself. I don't rlly know how to end this but the intent is good faith discussion. I would like to hear your input.

this got long whoops. mentions of "narc abuse" under cut 👍

short answer tho; npd is a complicated disorder and most research on it is HEAVILY biased by demonizations + "narc abuse" isnt a thing its just abuse + npd effects someones entire life therefore its neurodivergent + npd is literally a divergence in ur brain thats literally neurodivergent by definition lol

i'm personally medicated and in therapy for my npd and i can promise you whole-heartedly it's not a beneficial disorder.

i've had npd my entire life and it has never, EVER, benefited me. my npd has made me lose jobs, friends, and a large part of my social life because i believed myself to be better than them and then cut them out of my life.

i think a lot of people forget npd is primarily a trauma-induced personality disorder, one that comes from the fear of someone leaving you and/or the fear of having someone think they're better than you.

my npd is a both a side effect of other traumas i've experienced and a biological issue. it's not something that can ever fully leave me, and it's not something that i want, nor have benefited from having. npd is literally not something you can change, i know this for a fact because of my years of switching medications and therapists and psychologists.

npd has been heavily demonized in media, especially by people who have been abused and automatically claim it was "narcissistic abuse" when in reality all abuse is just that. abuse. there is no such thing as "narcissistic abuse" because it doesn't fucking exist.

yes, narcissism can lead to abuse. no, narcissistic abuse doesn't exist. it's just abuse. plain and simple. you don't call abuse by neurotypicals "neurotypical abuse", because it's a meaningless term that doesn't mean anything.

npd, in and of itself, is not a disorder that people primarily benefit from. the stories about people benefiting from it are from a very small group of people who do not speak for the majority of us.

npd is something that has affected my entire livelihood, and it will do that until the day i die. i have been labeled an abuser multiple times in my life for simply having it, because in the minds of most people the only thing "narcs" want is to hurt you to gain something. they can never pinpoint what "narcs" want though, because they're all getting angry at someone who doesn't exist. this kind of argument of "not all people with personality disorders are evil" paired with the agreeing of "narc abuse" existing is two things that cannot be true at the same time. "narc abuse" implies that all "narcs" are evil in and of themselves.

npd is neurodivergent because it is something that will forever effect someones life. npd effects everything from your perspective of people, to your perspective of self, to how you see the world around you. it's not an easy thing to live with. npd makes you think everyone is either out to get you, or less than you and therefore not worth your time. it takes a really long time for most pwnpd to warm up to people, and it did for me. it's hard to form friendships when your first reaction to someone is either that they hate you or that they're worse than you.

i dont know how to end this . anyway. narc abuse isnt fucking real its a demonizing term dont use it okay? okay. goodbye

[e-icreator23]

Vent again. If you cant read it. Wither: You can't let him do that! He can't be banging or throwing stuff! You think its funny but its- D-d:You need to stop being a drama queen. It doesn't mean anything! Stop it. Where did banging and throwing things get bad? (where did you get that from?!) He's not doing any harm Wither:But it sounds like he's trying to break his controller! [He has a PS5] B-o: WHAT DO YOU CARE?! YOU HAVE A MASK ON AND YOUR A JUNIOR! ITS CRINGY! Wither: And you're a sophomore! You should know not to- B-o: Shut up! No one asked! Aren't you embarrassed?!! This is what happened right now. My brother started to rage at a game and from my room, it sounded like he was banging his controller. I came out to see whats going on and he was yelling before this and hitting something. I told my sister to go to her room and that he was acting stupid. He got mad and insulted me and said I am a nobody and I am embarrassing. My sister got scared from him yelling so got my dad who was drinking. He came it and my brother went back to the game he was getting mad at for loosing and he laughed about it. I told him what happened and he still laughed about it. I got mad since he lets them both get away with things like this and I am tired of the insults. I hate that once they know I will be married to a woman that they won't want me around since like my brother has said and I shit you not he said this word for word "FAGS ARE MENTAL. THEY AREN'T HUMAN" My dad constantly wonders why one of his cousins who came out to them is never around, I can't blame, not at all. It's because none of them support them! They outright show they disappointed in them! My brother says that my dad and him HATE people who are gay or anything relating to it with a passion. They are more concerned of how they look than about anything else, my brother has to constantly remind me that I am more on the bigger side and that he's so embarrassed about it! He said that he will never say hi to me during school even when I say hi, he acts like he doesn't know me and says to others that he doesn't know me. He likes to make fun of me saying I won't get anyone. And even if I do, they will leave me since they never really loved me. I am so tired of this. I want to leave so bad but If I try to leave with another family member then my dad will start to guilt trip me and I don't want to leave because I don't want to leave my friends yet. I know I'm a damn disappointment to them. I know that shit but I have to be reminded over and over and over again. No wonder why I'm distant with them. I try so hard at school to make them proud but it can never make it last. I won first place somewhere big in my state but just "oh nice". thats it. I get Honor roll. "good and stay like that" I am so tired of it and I know I am still gonna push myself to try and get good grades but I know nothing I do will ever be good enough to make them proud of me. They ask why is it hard for me to talk to people, no shit its hard because If I say anything wrong to them, I would get hit. I would get yelled at for saying anything wrong. They told me I am not allowed to tell anyone about my situation, I can't talk to my councilors about this, I cant ask for help. Not even online. If I say something wrong, I feel like they would hate me. If I do something they don't like then I'm the piece of shit. I know they have said that I can talk to them but I feel like I cant since I dont know what they will say. I am scared, I am so fucking scared. I know non of them are bad or anything I am just terrified of them since they are so amazing and I can never amount to them in any way. I don't know what to do. If I eat how I normally do, im told to stop. My health problems are my fault and yeah maybe they are. but still at least be semi nice but no he makes fun of me that I cant breath right. To them ADHD and autism arent real. it's fake so people can be lazy. If I am friends with anyone who's like that then im the weirdo. I'm stupid to even get near them. im so done.

[dinosaurchurch]

With any major event; any major turbulence of emotions that gets stirred underneath the surface I always find myself with a flurry of questions as I begin to process things. I think this is no different, for anyone who's talked to me recently you know that my father is in the midst of passing away and could go at any time now. I had a lot of hesitation writing this, but I wanted to put things out there from my perspective on the whole ordeal.

I want to say I'm sad to see him go but I'll be frank, the older I got and the less ignorance I had on the kind of person he was I realized that I don't think I will be. Denial is a powerful thing and so is looking through memories of someone with a lens of heavy nostalgia. I think the hardest thing of seeing him go is knowing that the person I once loved has been gone for a very long time. The more I grew up and got the full picture the more I understood that I was ignorant to the truth, that being that he's never been a nice person or a good parent. I think that's something that hurts the most out of all of this.

The mere fact that about 2 years ago I decided on my own will to finally cut ties was the final nail in the coffin for me. You absolutely cannot help someone that doesn't want to help themselves and there came a point where I felt that I did have to walk away for my own sanity. I was tired of extending out a helping hand only for it to amount to nothing, that feeling of helplessness ate at me for a while. Told myself I could've done more, I should've done 'x', maybe if I did 'y' event 'z' wouldn't have happened. I overrode my own sense of comfort and my own boundaries for someone who only would take and take with nothing to give back in return.

It was that selfishness that left me with a lot of questions. Questions that I don't think I'll ever truly understand because I'm not that person. I cannot put down other people and only cause destruction in my own wake because I lack the empathy to feel what other people are feeling. I don't have the heart to do that and that's something that I've realized more and more as I've grown is I don't want to harm anyone else if I can, not even the people I don't like. Call me soft perhaps but I've come to terms with that.

Having to watch someone spiral out of control and stagnate is hell, you want to do something - anything - to help them but they don't have the insight nor the care to fix or even mitigate the problem. How does someone get here? How does someone genuinely not care for the people and the places around them? Or even themselves? I know part of humanity is unfortunately accepting the darker traits of what makes us 'human' so to speak but that's not something that I easily can accept. Perhaps the motivation to do the unspeakable and the sheer lack of morals is what does me in. I don't have it in me.

I won't go into detail on all of the bad and the ugly on the family drama or exactly why I'm more mad than anything at my father but it's bad enough that I wanted to distance myself. The breaking point and why I snapped I don't feel is something I need to bring up again but it was the cherry on top of the cake. I remember that week - my younger sister calling me in tears. I just snapped, I was tired of accepting things I shouldn't, things I couldn't morally accept. It's never easy putting your foot down to someone after you've been so complacent for so long but enough was enough. I swore I didn't want to speak of it, that even if I did have that conversation of why I didn't want to have contact with him again; that it all wouldn't amount to anything. For someone who's moral line has shifted so badly what I consider 'acceptable' and what they do are two different things, I wasn't going to be able to convince someone that what they did was a bad thing if they didn't believe it. I also wasn't going to blow up at him - I didn't want to and I know some people might call that cowardly of me but sometimes saying nothing and just walking away is the only answer you have. I've funny enough been on both sides of such a situation and it wasn't until I had to do it myself that I understood why.

Saying I'm not going to miss the fun times we shared as family would be a lie, the only problem is there hasn't been any sort of uplifting time like that in years. I think the last time I remember having any sort of 'fun' - quality bonding time with my father was February of 2018 when the two of us flew to Montréal on an overnight flight to see my younger sister graduate from boot camp. It was roughly a 3 day trip. Since then it was just him wanting to spend time with us on rare occasion for him, not for us.

One thing I want to throw out there and this is one of the reasons why I'm mad is he never got to know me or my sisters as people. Could barely remember our birthdays, like you tell us "I love you" when you see us but your actions spoke otherwise. It's upsetting to know that he couldn't remember our favourite colours, what any of our passions were besides the obvious, or even our long time ambitions. He didn't even know I was writing a story with the last full conversation I had with him - something I've had on the go since I was 10 years old. Every time we talked it was him venting about his woes, the conversation was never directed at anybody else or was about anybody else besides what centred around him.

This whole thing I know someone is going to call 'scathing' but I've been dealing with just heartache for a really long time over the father that just wasn't there for me (or my sisters). I think your kids deserve better - hell anybody deserves better. I think my younger sister put it quite succinctly a few days ago when we got the news that he was taking a turn for the worst - he wanted the fun and joy of having a family and reap the rewards of that without ever putting in the effort. She's absolutely right and that fucking sucks. I suppose one takeaway I can learn from this is what not to do if I ever become a parent - be there for your kids, show them interest and support them and what they're passionate about. My father didn't do these things, he would just try and buy our love, he never made the effort to really see what made any of us tick. Anything we did was because he wanted to do it, not necessarily because we wanted and frankly if we declined we'd be guilt tripped with the whole 'do it for dad'. Can't say that leaves a good taste in my mouth but that was just one thing out of many.

I'm not going to say everything about the man was bad, there was some fun times like the camping trips growing up or the 2am ice cream runs but a lot of this was overshadowed by the bad the more time went on. A part of me really wish it wasn't so but the truth is the truth and unfortunately it reared it's ugly head especially over the past decade when I think he realized that not everything was about him and that some of us weren't going to take that. There was several major events that I won't be discussing here that really showcased that when you strip someone of the control or power they thought they had a lot of things unravel at the seams.

The biggest thing I'm mourning is the person my father could've become. I believe that everyone has a potential to be amazing and he just chose not to. That's the part that kills me inside is knowing he didn't even try, not even to get himself back onto the right track. I want the best for everyone, including him and even when the ball was in his court he just didn't care. It's saddening, but there was nothing anybody could do for him. Guess it's just that hope in me that the inkling of becoming a decent person - someone wonderful - that I thought he was when I was really small would come true.

I won't lie and say as much as I wanted to hate him for some of what he did (or didn't do when he should've) I just couldn't and a part of me is still going to love the faint memory I had of a man I once called 'dad'. I lived with him for a long time and I definitely empathized with some of his struggles that he had, he was still human after all. I have a lot of turbulent emotions over this whole thing, I wish I didn't and that I could just sweep all of this under the rug but its all of what I've said that's tugging at me.

He wasn't a nice person, but he had moments where I think there was some good. The last thing he did was drop off a govt check that came in for me at one of my previous addresses even though he didn't need to, my house is really out of the way for him. I wasn't able to answer the door so my SO got it for me but it's just a reminder that he wasn't all negative as much as my mind might fixate on that.

No one is ever clean cut black and white - good or evil. Even the most despicable had likable qualities just like how the nicest people are still capable of doing the unspeakable. That's why this hurts the most. It's not cut and dry; I don't have it in me to remain angry spite the pitfalls. Trust me, I want to so bad but I can't. I'm not my father and I don't I ever will be - I can't hold a grudge, not these days.

I'm a different person and I think that's why I'll never understand why he was the way he was. It's not in me to be like that and I'm certainly not motivated by the same things.

All in all there was a lot of mistakes made but it's all said and done. People are definitely a product of their choices, that much is clear. Good or bad, each person you come across during your journey leaves their mark on you. The simple and small makes a ripple that affects everything else. Life is a learning curve and people are imperfect but it doesn't mean you can't and shouldn't try to make the best of it. Everyone has the choice on what path to take.

I'm sure I'll have another cry session as I process all of my thoughts. Either way this is my perspective, I'm not going to rescind what I've said. I just want people to know my side of the story because somewhere in the middle of everyone is the truth and I think the truth should be said. I want to be as transparent as I can.

There's no sugarcoating it, I'm going to be upset but at least people now know why...

[xeansicemane]

I appreciate what everyone is saying here. But again, we're all talking past each other.

I don't think anyone particularly disagrees that the Dems are the lesser of two evils, the problem is twofold:

One, in the states where the Democrats hold power, nothing gets better. We have a sitting democratic president and the best we're told to expect on the national level is stasis. Not improvement, not even incremental growth, just that things won't get worse. And hey! That is an ethical and moral good - just that the Dems constantly fail to help (look at Florida and West Virginia) and often we're expected to be thankful for that. Not getting hurt isn't enough, we need things to get fixed and that's never a part of the conversation.

Two, any time the left says that things need fixing we get told to shut up, vote, and push elected representatives left later. Then later just so happens never to materialize. We're being told by the center left that we should never expect any kind of recognition for our loyalty and effort; our votes are taken for granted then our policy positions are quietly erased because things like debt forgiveness or a functional medical care system are absurd fantasies.

These two taken together, it isn't hard to understand why people in online spaces are opting for the accelerationist viewpoint. If the Dems refuse to do anything aside from slowing the bleeding down doesn't it make sense to just get it over with; we don't have a political voice anyway so why not let it break down and see if we can build something better afterwards.

Too many center libs act like the leftist position is "well I don't wanna vote for Joe he's icky" or like we're stomping our feet and throwing temper tantrums because we didn't get a pony.

The left has no voice in the political process at all, none. You can keep appealing to our sense of moral goodness and say "it's us or the literal murderous fascists". Which is true, you are not wrong. But you aren't listening to the part where that isn't enough for everyone.

But the Democrats never make anything better. A 0.57% tax relief for kids who go to school on bus routes that take more than two hours on a Tuesday is nice or whatever but we need change. We need cops to stop killing people, we need major action on climate change a decade ago.

You say "vote blue or else" but or else happens anyway. Minimum wage is still stagnant, thousands are being crushed by debt, and rent is still skyrocketing.

You aren't asking the questions a lot of leftists, myself included, want answered: How Does Voting Democrat Fix This Mess.

You make a strong argument that a democratic regime represents effective triage, damage control and harm minimization. But at no point have you argued that voting Democrat fixes our problems.

We warned you this is where this is going.

[caxycreations]

Gentle reminder

Not every instance of someone asking "why do you do X thing?" or "why do you want X thing?" is an attack on that thing.

If someone asks you "why don't you wear heels?" or "why do you wear heels?"

If someone asks you "Why do you wear makeup?" or "why don't you wear makeup?"

If someone asks you "Why do you dress that way?" or "Why do you do your hair that way?"

It's not inherently an attack on you or your style or your life or anything else.

Reacting to every instance of "Why do you-" with "UM, BECAUSE I WANNA, FUCK RIGHT OFF" is petty and ridiculous.

Curiosity does exist, and sometimes when someone says "Why do you-" or "Why don't you-", there's a very real, non-zero chance that they legitimately want the story behind it out of good-faith curiosity.

And you can answer that in good-faith, whether or not they mean it in good-faith, and choosing to do so is a far better option than immediately assuming every single person who asks is trying to judge or belittle or attack you in some way.

"Why do you wear makeup?", well, you can answer with "Um, none of your fucking business, I just want to", or you can say "I just like to", or "Because it feels nice", or "I like the way I look in it".

"Why do you dress that way?" You can say "I dress how I want, fuck off." or you can say "It's just my style", or "I like the way I look in it", or even just "It's comfortable to me."

And if they don't like your answer, if they try to be rude about it after that, by all means! Tell them to fuck off, because the answer you give is all the answer they should need.

But can we stop normalizing this instant hatred of anyone who asks?

Can we please not make "Because fuck you" the standard response?

Yes, you are entitled to dress however you like, you're entitled to wear makeup or not if you like, you're entitled to express yourself and who you are in any way that doesn't bring harm yourself and to those around you.

But you can do those things WITHOUT becoming so hateful. You can do those things without every instance of "Why do you-" leading to an immediate, heartless "Because fuck you." when there's every possibility the one asking just wants to hear your side of things.

Don't come at me with that tired old "Well I used to and got sick of explaining myself"

It's not explaining yourself, it's answering a damn question.

I'm transfem. My best friend in the world is transmasc. And you know what we both have in common?

When someone asks us why we do something, don't do something, or prefer something, we just fucking tell them.

Because it doesn't hurt us, at all, to just answer their question.

Someone asks me "Why do you wear a collar?" and I just tell them "It makes me feel cute."

Someone asks my friend "Why do you always wear men's jeans?" and he says "Better pockets."

You don't have to give them a life story, or a big long talk about it. A short, simple little honest answer like that works wonders.

If you don't have the patience to spare 2-8 words to answer a question as simple as "Why do/don't you X", if just being asked that question is enough to piss you off to the point of reacting with hostility and frustration, you need to re-evaluate your emotional response to the things being said to you.

In no world should "Why do/don't you-" result in anger, and in no world should a good-faith answer be met with prejudice.

But we HAVE to be better. We need to stop treating "I do what I want, fuck you" like a good mentality.

Do what you will, do what feels right to you, but don't turn it into an act of spite. Don't let the things you love be corrupted into things you do just to piss people off, that way of living is so exhausting.

Live for fun, act for fun, and when asked why you do it, answer in good faith, to inspire others to do the same.

"I do what I want, fuck you" only serves to continue the cycle of hostility that we're so desperate to break.

[the-firebird69]

So he says I don't have to yell and scream I don't really I was bothering him I'm bothering him on purpose cuz people keep saying stuff but they're going to bother us and say they're not doing it so he's ordering our kids to do it and try and have Lobo and approximate midnight started up down there only as part of the kit car company and it's one of our projects I guess we'll probably not all devoted to it because it's our car but we want to do something and we welcome the invite by vital and got his wife and Lobo and Proxima midnight I'm going to look at it and we're serious we don't want to take around with people there's reasons why not to do it this reason why to do it but if we weren't in charge don't have us in charge he doesn't want to leave me and do nothing I don't know what the hell's going on but really if we're in charge to do the damn project or don't do it at all hi guys need help we're overworked what you doing up there is we can't hire anyone go knock on the damn doors it's life and death okay you can't hire our people up there then quit

Hera Zues

Actually going to take the project on but you're right it's only one part of the kit car project list but we have to get it going and what he says is it's going to be so huge in Mexico it'll be like the whole thing and then they'll probably hope they get the idea you can start another country like if we took over Canada which we should but yeah she's upset and she should be and we're upset we keep saying this stupid s*** and nothing happens and I really these people are going to attack and stuff but who cares maybe driving around so take him to their cities we'll have to go after them and we'll be driving them after so we don't want to make your bucket of holes bulls so he yelled at it and she's mad at him and since you can't go anywhere without me and yeah be that way she says this is your kind of calm down and stop being so snippy everyone has your attention and I can't help it and you have to tell them to stop yelling at you you can't yell at me and everybody else so she says it's true and probably wasn't her but I did it anyways I'm trying to think of something but she's mad cuz nobody's doing it what he's saying is she's trying to manipulate me I'm family and sometimes works but right now I'm interested in I want to do it so he says go find a plant finder find yourself again or find a plant and my children some of them are really really excited because it's their car and it probably gave it to him as toys and he did so what's worse I get your idea find a plan to open it and make them and we'll get the design hairstyle in the old fashioned way my stuff doesn't work so good right now and I'm really exhausted Thor and Freya are saying people need to get this stuff going the kit car group needs to get that one factory up whether you're not doing a damn thing all day long and they look like this we need a test to see what it is and why they're so frantic about not having kit cars around forever they keep on yelling it and this would turn into a real car and I like the AMX one so really need someone with balls to do anything if I had money I'd be out there doing it give me a break I can't do it myself

Lobo and proximately midnight

I do understand some we're just going to sit here and talk about like these people it looks like s*** his way down he doesn't care about those they're not good enough and it's actually true we're worried about some a****** sake going the wrong way if they plan to go the wrong way we need to know about it if they plan to go the wrong way we're going to take over manufacturing today and we need to be ready to do it and we're not and who cares they're not going to bother us we need to know what the hell they're mentally stopping us

Proxima Midnight you can see the problem in the movie and a piece of crap is trying to harm me it's just a body that she's in and she's an idiot I said she's not in the body at all you piece of crap I mean how I do it how am I talking to you you idiot I'm not in you so that helps straighten it out a little where is people else they're a little soft they can't open you know they see ice cream they want ice cream the little kids they're like four year old children they don't like it now but she'll like it later she's talking to my character he's talking to my character and he's helping out you got a lot better and I help save her and she said you're right and so eventually you go back home but really there's a problem with the former inhabitant that was theirs so I just see that she said and it's weird but okay

They trying to hide

Olympus

[sincelastsession]

I need help working on identifying and picking safe people to be in relationships with.

Because of Justin and past people in my life my partner doesn't feel safe as I am picking "psychos"

I understand why he is scared that this may affect me then him then his primary partner and his friends if I am in a bad relationship.

I really do need to discuss this. I feel that I'm failing at navigating and I don't want to lose what I have. I feel like my autism and inability to get cues right is ruining my life.

My parents have been and are probably why I suck at relationships. I feel them being my only example growing up of a relationship is fucking me up now.

I don't want to be like them. I don't want to be a target for people like that.

It's not good and I'm crying right now because I had to fight to prove that I would protect my relationship with Matt.

I would if I could like to have a session via phone or video chat with him if he wants to do that.

I don't understand neurotypical rules. I need to learn them better.

I have not been private enough for him and I didn't realize that he wants to be very seperate from any future partners unless it is an emergency, that's my understanding now.

I think I need to take a break from other potential partners even though I'm painfully lonely. My inability to discern has caused grief to the man I love dearly. I want to talk about this.

I was going to ask him more and see if he wished to do therapy and say other things but Travis told me it's too overwhelming for neurotypical men and he'd likely not respond well to anything more as he had ended the conversation.

I don't like having to ask Travis to translate or ask him if what I've written is too much or coming off rude.

I don't like that I do these things without realizing it to the point I have to ask for help.

It hurts to be fussed at by your partner. It scares me that he feels so insecure with me that he can't be vulnerable and thinks I don't care about his feelings and that I talk over him...

When he does call I am excited. I am so excited I chitter chatter and overshare and often forget to take a beat and let him speak.

I'm really mad at myself because it's not on purpose and I hate myself after every call.

Matt is not perfect. He is not sober. He has behaviors I hate but it's not within my circle of control. My only control is to let him know how I feel and to break it off if it's harmful to me.

He has however still stuck with me through shit on both of our parts in different instances and been loving and supportive.

I think he needs therapy and I know he's gone to therapy before and I can tell because he has healthy behaviors.

It hurt when he told me I was not a primary partner. He said that would look different but didn't elaborate.

I feel not like a human. I feel really lost. My chest hurts and then my stomach does then my face.

Grief I believe is chest. Stomach is intuition. Face is regret or something of that nature. I'm remembering this from the past.

I don't know what happened to me. I used to not be this way. I was more mentally together and calmer before. I don't like how I am and I don't know who I am if I'm myself or if she's gone.

I don't know if it's even me talking.

I don't want to turn potential love away but I need to work on myself before I get with anyone else.

Because let's be honest. It's sorta a miracle my current partner is sticking with me. It's a miracle that Travis just so happened to grow up in a healthy family with a high functioning autistic brother so he has no problem talking to me.

My other friends can only take small doses. I purposefully hold back compulsory things I'd like to say because people get sick of me.

It hurts. I don't understand why I can't just have a normal conversation.

It hurts that Matt thinks I'd pick people to jeopardize my relationship with him.

But he's right. There are too many psychos in my life and it's not fair to me or to him

I do feel hurt that he doesn't see me as equal to his primary but I must realize that I don't live close and can't really be that in a long distance relationship.

I did think about breaking it all off and going back to open or monogamous but what if I fuck that up continuously too.

Maybe I don't belong in a relationship. I'm so lonely for a person or people though.

I truly do love him though and I wouldn't be crying to you otherwise.

While I miss my ex and it's quite possible he may come around and I do want a partnership with him that's healthy, I don't want to upset Matt.

Justin is clueless and seemingly not about many things he does. I don't think having a friendship with him though I'd like that is wise anymore because he did pressure me before we were even idek if you wanna call it dating.

I didn't know what I was doing. I just tried to do what I see other people do and what I've done in the past.

I'm going to have to tell Hannah that I've decided I need to take a break from other partners but I'd be willing to be friends. I don't even know if that's wise.

I feel sick about all of it.

I have not even gotten out of bed. I'm very tense and frozen up.

I don't think you understand the gross abuse I went through and still go through. It's heinous and my parents are very good clueless actors. My memories and feelings and everything about me is wrong. I try to call and talk or cry to them or ask for help because that is what parents are for and they push me away and attack me.

I don't know who else to go to anymore and I feel isolated by bad people and neurotypical rules I don't understand. There's no manual.

I don't understand why people don't recognize this and treat me with kindness and respect.

I don't feel like I belong anywhere on this earth. I have felt so alien my entire life. I've felt more treated as a doll an animal or pet than a person.

My favorite stories growing up had plot lines of girls and women finding out they were different and traveling to the magical place they belonged. I wish I could be where I belong.

I'd like to be stable and self sufficient and not having to ask anyone for help and to keep my long distance partner. I am lonely though. I am terribly deeply lonely because the people that truly understood and loved me most are dead. I'd do anything to have them back.

I am so angry and grieving so much and I don't know how to permanently let it go.

If I could financially I'd run away and start over away from the people that aren't good for me.

My mom took me to look for places yesterday and didn't listen or understand me or treat me like she treats her patients as a charge nurse. I don't think she should be working around mentally ill people or awake people as a nurse. Her original job was an OR Nurse. I have reactive abuse at her often. I do find her easier to talk with than my father but it's still not good.

I don't feel secure as in I don't know what will happen to me if she or my dad pass. My Aunts and uncles do not understand nor seem to care about me and don't really try to understand.

I've been told that I think too much. I worry too much. That other people do not go so deeply into things. That im so intelligent and self aware that it literally geys in my way and also my understanding that they don't gave feelings as deeply as I do. They don't care about strangers or have the same compassion I do.

I don't know what to do.

I'd really like it if we can adjust my treatment plan to address this.

None of this is good. I don't want it to get worse.

I was going to get groceries today but I can't convince myself to go outside. There's not a particular reason. It's more of if I go outside today I'll feel like I want to unzip out of my body. I can't really put into words how my brain punishes me. I don't even know if it's my brain or if I'm sharing my headspace with different parts of me.

I don't want to go inpatient. Medication other than the combo I've mentioned has never helped any of this.

I would like to give you permission to speak with my psychologist about anything you think would help including the ketamine treatments.

I don't know what my insure will pay for. Won't pay for etc. I have trouble communicating with them on the phone.

I don't know who I am but I know who I'm not. I'm not myself. I'm not myself at all. Myself is there probably but I really think I may be fractured or something.

I don't think I'm schizophrenic or schizo-effective. The medication for that has never changed anything. The medication for bipolar has never changed anything. Depression medication only works a few months before I get horribly not wanting to exist.

I've been on so many meds. I've had so many false diagnosis.

I don't know where to go to get high caliber treatment that isn't a comorbid drug facility. I don't know if they have ptsd groups. I don't know if I'm too advanced for certain things to help me.

I'm really tired of feeling like I'm in trouble or being punished for even speaking.

Sometimes I wish I was quiet.

I used to be quiet. It kept me safe. Then I got sick of being quiet because it was no longer keeping me safe. I know my telling everyone everything is something people do to protect themselves so they can't have that used to hurt them because it's known. I know I compulsively talk. I don't feel heard or seen or respected. Sometimes I'm just excited to be heard. But now it's becoming worse. It's gotten bad.

I can't keep dealing with it. I can't get myself to stop like I need to.

I desperately want to regulate and shut the fuck up but I don't feel like I'm able to be in the driver's seat, the chair, a red chair, that's how it looks in my head. Then behind that are doors and a hallway to the left and I can't go down that hallway in my mind. Only certain doors are open. I don't even know what exactly that's about. To the right oddly is a few doors and sometimes just a blue sky with fluffy clouds.

Right now I'm in the seat. I don't know if I'm me or I'm an aspect of me. I don't have names for the aspects. I know one is more male. I know one is a child. I know one is a monster. I know one protects me but is tired. I know there's others. They don't have names. They are and aren't me. I feel permanently in the chair or able to view. But I feel like other parts of me do take over and I don't know if anyone else has noticed. I'm scared to talk about it. I'm scared to be this way. I don't feel that I'm losing touch with reality but I don't fucking want to be in a million pieces or have this shit develop further.

I don't even know if I'm correct about any of it.

A psych ward or facility is entirely too scary and I'm not a harm to others or myself imo. I have no plans. I think it'd be detrimental to my health and my mom now being a charge nurse at a psych hospital says I don't belong and should have never had to go to one and blames my father.

I do feel that my father may have done something and I feel on autopilot saying this.

I feel that various other things have occurred that I don't know about yet that my brain hasn't brought up.

I don't remember and I don't want to know. I feel like part of me is protecting me. I don't think I'd fare well knowing anything else. I'd rather my brain put it all in a trash compactor and yeet it into the sea of forgetting.

I'm going to figure out how to get this body out of bed and moving or busy or doing something if I'm not leaving the apartment.

So I'm going to do that.

If you see this before next session and you feel it's important enough to check on me I wouldn't mind.

I think I'll be ok.

I'm really happy my best friend is coming to my next session.

I do wish I could do two sessions a week. I understand that you're scheduling me how works best for you and how you want to treat me though.

God I didn't even take my anxiety med or anything and it's already 3:45. I've been up since 10am.

I don't understand where the time went. I always feel like it's going too fast or too slow.

I really hope we can get my other files. I understand that I'm working with you but there's definitely information to glean from my past EMDR therapist.

I feel incredibly vulnerable myself and I'm scared about what I've shared. I really want to trust you and my doctors but I've had so many instances where I was fucked over and misunderstood. I do want to delete everything and run.

Because fuck everything. This is insane. My existence is fucking insane. I wish it wasn't.

I am so tense and I haven't moved for hours and I'm just taking big gulps of air because it feels like I've been playing dead holding my breath like I did as an infant.

Did you know as an infant I'd hold my breath till I was blue. My mom thinks it's a funny story. I know I was probably doing it as a trauma response to my parents yelling or fighting. I can't remember anything right now but myself playing alone, the closet, and my parents fighting from when I was small.

Should I just foster a dog again and let it get me on a schedule and exercise and ofc I gotta take it places like the dog park and train it.

I was good at that. Animals mirror so I had to be a certain way to do that.

I want to but my hip and knee are fucked right now and if my back gives I'm fucked because I live upstairs. My parents won't let me rent a place in areas where I'd probably be fine and are keeping me here because it's like 795 a month for a 2br...it's big. It fits everything I own. If I didn't have body issues I'd just stay. But I need another place. I'd even be open to a roommate if it were a 3br situation.

I think about doing only fans or shit like that all the time to make money.

I haven't been able to work on my art which I used to enjoy but im not in a mentally safe spot to express myself unless Matt in Dom role tasks me with it. Then I get excited. I can do things then. I'm truly happy and feeling more like a true self when I let him be in charge.

My neighbors that are awful aren't at the pool but I can hear them screaming inside their apartment across the way. The screaming scares me. It brings me back to so many traumas. The office and courtesy officer refuse to do anything about it or other people. They're all liars and they think I'm racist and nuts.

I'm not racist and i don't aim to be. I watch my microagressions carefully. I know my parents and their parents were.

I've learned recently that my mom's family was creole on her dad's side and on my dad's side his mother's family was apparently creole.

God I'm so tired and I'm not even out of bed.

My libido and below the waist feels so shut down. Even my D/s session I had didn't get me excited enough. I feel repulsion about sexual things on and off.

I do feel like the me ranking now was not the me interacting with Justin.

I'm terrified to ever tell my partner that I think I may have a worse dissociative issue than he knows. I feel that he'd just be like "hit my limit" and then drop me in so n e manner.

He's so private and scared. I'm scared I've shared too much because I really didn't understand HOW PRIVATE he really meant. Now I do. I feel terrible for sharing about him to other people other than he's my long distance partner.

I need to stop writing. I need to take my medicine. I probably need to smoke so I don't cry about my hip because if you're in pain and crying tensing up does nothing.

I don't really know what activity to do but just get online and try to distract myself so my stress doesn't escalate further.