thisismydreamx

[theinyshlobster]

camp zero by michelle min sterling [review]

read from july 27th - august 2nd

review

first and foremost — YO I JUST MET MY 2024 READING GOAL! 60TH BOOK OF 2024 WHO CHEERED!

anyways i need to be real. this book was really confusing for my tiny little pea brain. i will admit i think i might have liked this story a bit more if i had read it at a different time. like im so serious i have no critical thinking right now. changing to a new antidepressant coupled with a cold? yeah i have about zero reading comprehension at the moment so take everything i say critiquing this book with a grain of salt. hell i might come back to this book in 6 months and give it an extra star cuz i did really enjoy this book at times! but idk i don’t think i can give this 4-stars when i was confused for a good chunk of the book 💀

most of my confusion i think comes from what the character’s motivations are and why they’re doing xyz. rose, judith, the barber, the foreman, garreth & merley or whatever the fuck his name was, none of their motivations made logical sense to me. yet again i am not one to talk about logic when i am literally noncoherent in daily conversations & my memory is of a goldfish. like gun to my head i cant figure out what the M guy’s actual goal was, or damien/damian (i’m gonna go with the ‘a’ spelling & if im wrong sue me). i am still confused by that.

i am also confused about the time period this takes place in, as well as the actual setting. yeah i know its in canada and its snowy and shit. but like do the girls live in a mall? where is gareth living? what even was the camp supposed to be?

the ending was lowkey kinda fire, i did not see those reveals coming (but tbh you could’ve given me a mystery novel where the killer literally confessed on the first page & i still would’ve been blindsided at the moment). i really loved the white alice chapters and as things slowly started to make more sense i was having the time of my life. but when those reveals only come with 20% of the book left….. i mean like i said i cant 4-star it.

the characters themselves were….. fine. rose was likeable most of the time. i really couldn’t work out her motivations or her true thoughts by the end. willow was also fine. judith was meh. the other blooms were literally non-characters. garreth was insufferable. the rest of the male characters were fine. i still don’t really get the barber’s motivations by the end regarding him & rose but 🤷 im not mad at it. same applies to M-guy what the fuck was he trying to do at the end. numbskull

the plot was… Ok! the actual story felt like it was going nowhere, but like i said i absolutely loved the white alice chapters. give me an entire book expanding on those chapters & im sold. those chapters kinda remind me of ‘i who have never known men’ and i adored that book so!

the preachy messages about the patriarchy and men sucking got tiring at times. yes i know men suck. they are opportunists and shallow and see women as objects and blah blah blah. sorry you’ve said your message to me, now do something with it. i mean the book kind of did at the end with white alice & rose but… idk more should’ve been done with that. i really liked the grimy vibe of this book. idk what more to say about that it had a real edgy vibe that i liked.

i have a feeling this review is all over the place (when are my reviews not) but anyways. i had a good time. i found this book average. probably shouldn’t have read this whilst my brain is mush. i defo want to come back to this in the future and see if i enjoy it more when i can actually think coherently. anyways off i go to increase my reading goal now that ive met it with *checks calendar* FOUR MONTHS LEFT OF 2024.

god speed

[thegetoufather]

For your fanon takes (if you're still interested? if not, feel free to delete this~ 😅):

Almost any "Sex God [Character]" takes makes me 🤢 especially since it typically deviates from the character? Like yeah, it can be hot to have Levi throw you around when he's in the process of destroying your pussy, but Virgin!Levi? Or Inexperienced!Levi? who wants to be good and taken care of? and wants moments of tenderness and someone to take care of? Who carefully watches your reactions to see what's good and what isn't?? 🥺😍

Like your last post had pointed out: characters who are affectionately aggressive with friends being cast as mean or abusive. It hurts my heart because it's such an oversimplification of a character who has so much more to offer.

Oikawa. Fanon Oikawa who is the subject of so many cheater stories or who is a ditz or really manipulative? 😥 He's not? He hardly has time for anyone not actively involved in volleyball and that super flirty face he puts on for his fan club? I think it's just a face. Given Japan's fan culture, it would make sense that someone interested in going pro would start practicing for one day dealing with that fan culture on the daily. It doesn't ring as true. Not to mention he's one of the smartest characters in the series? And he's able to quickly pick up on maneuvers being utilized by his opponents because he's put that much time into studying? He may have fun being a goofy mfer with his friends, but that's, again, with his friends. (Like saying that Suga is cool and calm all the time when we see that he's very much a chaos child) Idk man. I get why people don't like him, but I also think that he's dismissed too quickly because of fanon interpretations and what little of him we've seen in the anime vs. the manga.

HI IM STILL INTERESTED IN THESE!!! i was just at the movies and then i fell asleep hehe sorry for the late response, but you just wrote such a beautiful take on oikawa i did not want to half ass my response

1. Normalize virgin and inexperienced characters!!! I totally agree!! There is so much fun in thinking your characters could naturally fuck you six ways till sunday with no effort, but the soft moments of fumbly intimacy — lets talk about that more!!!

2. bro it hurts me too. i get how its an easy way to make a bad guy when you need angst but, its shallow! and also like, disheartening to see thats all everyone sees you’re fave as.

3. bea this whole thesis on oikawa is chefs kiss. the fan culture thing makes so much sense!!! and its a thing we forget about when we watch a show from a different cultural lens but oikawa and theatrics to me goes hand in hand, but it doesnt mean thats what he stands for!

he is so smart!!! and i get the whole trope of iwa is the grounding force to his airheadedness, but i never saw it is as airheadedness with smarts but more so with having no realistic limits to his expectations to himself, and iwa reminds him he isnt superhuman. oikawas smarts are almost his hubris to me, because he’s constantly seeing himself as someone who should be doing better but always falls slightly short of his goals (im an oikawa kinnie i speak personally on this)

theres so much of him that we never see explored!!!! like even the mean oikawa stuff i see i dont personally get because hes the butt of the joke with his friends!!! and he takes it so well (with theatrics, but it doesnt really get to him ya know)!!

god there is just. so much depth of character that we sometimes miss out on i just want us to get into it all plz fr

[mejomonster]

Some fun things (partial sarcasm?), 1 really the root of a lot of what causes issues for me are 22 years of full emotional suppression of crying except in rare circumstances between the ages of maybe 10-17 with good friends, so like. Dang. If I’d just been able to cry grieve I would not have such a backlog now left over lol

2 I read a tip on panic attacks yesterday that you breath in shallow but breathe out for longer (basically longer on the out release), as breathing oxygen in speeds up the fight/flight adrenaline fear response (so lots of shallow breaths in speed it up), whereas pushing out excess oxygen helps slow that process. So firstly good tip for panic attacks and shaking/hyperventilating, but also secondly the whole “relaxing” process of breathing out for longer than you breath in is also related to the body’s healing processes and relaxation ability. So like... interesting to see how my struggle TO do that state might contribute to my stress levels being even higher than maybe they’d neutrally be. I tried it yesterday while crying and it did slow my reaction and turn off the crying (tho Idk if turning off the crying - which apparently I have a backlog on at least 1 decade long lol - might be a bit more than is needed). But like yeah breathing out for longer does help turn off the “panic” response. It literally impressed me so much I had nonstop dreams last night about monitoring my breathing and trying to breath out more than I breathed in. My brain was trying to super store that info bro

3 related to 2 - the place where I found such advice mentioned that breathing with a paper bag is also a way to create the shallower breaths in/deeper breaths out that can help with stopping that adrenaline response. (It said you know like “paper bags help but we don’t always have them nearby so it’s good to learn more exercises we can do, and try to learn to do this breathing technique without a bag.”)

What I find interesting though about that detail is im realizing i might have had panic attacks way longer than I thought. I know they got bad at age 17, progressively got worse to daily then constantly multiple times per day, then I worked on them (and a lot of other stuff), and now like years later they’re down to 1-2 times a month. But the paper bag thing? I remember as young as like age 6 my dad bringing a paper bag to things literally because I would hyperventilate sometimes and not be able to fix it. My dad would bring apples and remind me to eat regularly because he thought it happened more if my blood sugar was low, and he’d bring a paper bag in case I started hyperventilating, and I remember a lot of instance from like when I started having memories (idk 4-5?) to like 10, where I’d be chilling doing something with the parents and they’d notice I was starting to be unable to breath. So they’d tell me to breath, maybe get a bag. I’m not talking about times they were yelling or anything, just like a normal day and maybe I talked about something on my mind bothering me like about friends or school, or some offhand comment like being told I’m a smartass or chatterbox, or whatever. Pretty normal days but I’d start having enough breathing issues it was something they commented on so they were aware of it. No it wasn’t asthma.

In particular I know third grade so like 8-9, I went to a friends neighborhood on my bike, some random kid from our school decided to beat me up and I remember I hyperventilated and my chest hurt BAD and I couldn’t calm down, my friends mom called my parents and I was still like that. So they took me to ER because I had a heart condition and chest pain is no joke lol. At the time I assumed I couldn’t breath cause the girl who hit me punched me in the back (which can wind a person), but the fact I couldn’t breath for like an hour? It was probably a panic attack.

Anyway just. I was probably having panic attacks as a little kid. I usually think of them starting at 17, because that’s when those fuckers got multiple times a week; then daily, then constantly per day for years on end. But if a bag is how my dad was helping me get through it at like 6? Idk maybe they were happening way earlier than I tend to assume.

Anyway WOOH I hope them being so old a response doesn’t mean they’re harder to rewire to stop. I mean either way that’s the goal. Also I mean I can’t remember my thoughts at like age 5-9 during them, but I think the awful self hate increase during them probably didn’t start until 17 or later at least. Because I know at like 17 at first the only bothersome thing about them was if they happened at work (hard to work if you’re sobbing and shaking and can’t breath while in public lol), during a class, or if I had to go home since I’d be yelled at for crying or looking like I cried before (red eyes) or for frowning or having a not upbeat voice. So like i don’t remember self hate during them back then so much as just starting to develop thoughts of “these inconvenient bitches sure scare me, since I’ll be having a fine day then need to escape to a bathroom or get yelled at for visibly crying.” Which I don’t think morphed into instant self hate until a few years later. So like, I think the self hate surge during them can definitely be undone, since it’s just a weird thought jump that needs to be shifted into a less dangerous thought jump during panic.

Anyway I been looking into neurofeedback too since like hey my mental health/stress may effect why my stomach is so fucked up and eating pains are kinda something I don’t wanna wait for 10 years to get better etc. But anyway the doctor told me when they do the initial brain scan they can even see like what year the trauma occurred/major stressors occurred (that changed ur thought patterns etc). And I was like “like rings on a tree???” And she was like “yeah! I never heard it compared to that before but yeah, it’s like that!” And. Lol when she said that I was curious what year it would give (cause I’d have guessed 17 or 22 hands down - cause 17 is 100% when I started having persistent obvious depression, and 22 is when I was actively suicidal and the most depressed in my whole ass life, or id guess 24 cause that’s when my stomach started having issues and I was working 60 hours while doing full time college so I know my body was physically stressed - tho my doctor said at that point the stress possibly hurting my body could’ve been from delayed stress from prior years). But like, now I’m hella curious if a scan would mark any earlier years as significantly stressful events? Maybe age 5 when I had appendicitis, or age 8 when I had heart surgery? Which thankfully I remember little of so lol they never really stressed me out as far as I know long term. Or age 12 when I found out I was bi for the first time, and got a lot of biphobic bullshit for it including learning my mom could lie to me by telling me what I felt wasn’t real lol. That was a Time. Like if I had to guess top stressful moments I’d pick those years?

But also like. If I’ve been hyperventilating and having a level of panic since age like 6-8 what the fuck happened so early on I was having panic attacks even back then? I was a tiny kid??? Was it really just the appendicitis situation cause like - a hospital I did not really find traumatic I mean I felt sick and I know it gave me a fear of needles like hell, but I had my parents and sister with me constantly at the hospital and my dad watched movies with me and they all brought my toys so I could try and play a little, and except for one memory of the nurse after an MRI stabbing me with the stupid IV needle a bunch cause my veins weren’t cooperating (which is why I get woozy and feel sick when I see needles now even tho objectively they don’t even hurt now), I just remember feeling dizzy and out of it and watching home alone until I got better and could go home. I dont really consider that a bad moment cause like? For me no one told kid me I was dying so I was just annoyed I was sick lol, annoyed I had to have an IV, annoyed I got sick on my birthday so I played hot wheels with my best friend and threw up that night then had to go into the hospital. Like it was a sucky few days but to kid me it was pretty much just like having the flu, but I had to sleep in the hospital a few days. I can’t think of anything else before age 8 that woulda been stressful to any level to cause panic attacks, and I don’t even think that was very stressful mentally just like physically. Of course also idk who knows maybe some people are more predisposed to panic attacks.

[fairycosmos]

have you ever struggled with indecisiveness? it seems to take up all the space in my head and stupid choices like silver/gold jewellery can make me question my entire identity idk what to do with myself anymore - so if you have any tips or something pls share. your thoughts/opinions on things matter to me. if not thats okay too !

omg YEAH and i hate it so fucking much. i cant choose what songs i want to listen to, what i want to eat, what to watch without feeling paralyzed by indecision and worry :/ idk if its cause im a gemini or bi or mentally ill or if it’s just a personality trait lmao! but it’s really the bane of my existence and i can definitely relate a lot, i think a lot of people probably can. you’re not alone. unfortunately it’s something i still struggle with on a daily basis so i dont have any like tried and tested methods of getting around it. but i guess speaking generally now that i think about it, i have noticed some thinking patterns or ideas that have helped me with it a little. i suppose i can use this to self reflect too fjdkslfj anyway - the first is consistently reminding yourself of nuance and shades of grey. every single person is a walking mass of contradictions, conflicting tastes/ideas and viewpoints. nothing is straight forward, or black and white, so you dont have to expect yourself to be. you can choose silver jewelry one day, and gold the next and still be the multidimensional person that you are. such choices don’t dictate your whole self because we as people aren’t defined by the inconsequential, subjective opinions that we hold. this kinda leads into my second suggestion. it may help to take some time to figure out what you actually want to root your identity in. rather than allowing your mind to panic over how others may be reading you, look inward and decide for yourself who you want to be. throughout the course of our lives we are many different ‘selves’ and different situations bring out numerous versions of who we are, so instead of feeling like you have to constantly stay the same, it could be healthier to instead have a looser self image. everyone perceives each other differently, anyway. so anchor yourself in the deeper aspects of your personality - your morals, who you relate to, your core beliefs, who you are when you’re alone - everything else is a lot shallower and subject to change, and that’s okay. we’re not just one thing or one decision, you know? another point to consider is the root of the fear and being able to identify what you’re so afraid of. what is the worst case scenario, why is it wrong to explore your likes/dislikes, how can you actively work on subverting this behaviour, where does the guilt come from? i feel like having low self esteem feeds into this a lot, because we tend to look for the validation of others to inspire confidence within us, so we want to be predictable and easy to digest. so working on liking yourself as you are without the need for outside approval may make a big difference. ultimately though, i think it’s just about recognizing this unhealthy pattern within yourself and doing what you can to act against it when possible, even if you don’t always achieve it every time. try out different exercises and see what works for you next time you’re confronted with having to make a choice. pick without thinking, pick based on the weather, pick based on how you feel in the moment, pick based on what you enjoy. there’s no wrong way to be you. of course, this may be something that is more deeply rooted than you realize, indicative of more serious mental health issues. and if that is the case i really think you should bring it to the attention of a professional (a counselor, a mental health hotline, your doctor, a therapist) when possible, even if it takes a while for you to be able to get to that point. if it exacerbates other emotional problems you have, or if it’s impacting every single part of your life, it’s ok to reach out and talk about it. they may be able to work through it with you and allow you to understand why you are this way and what you can do to combat it. i know it’s all a lot easier said than done, and i’m realizing that these processes are basically life long tasks that we must actively work on every day. that there may never be total equilibrium between every part of who we are. and it’s a hard pill to swallow, seriously. but as long as you’re trying to tackle the issue from a place of patience and self understanding, rather than from a place of self hatred, then you’re doing better than you think :) you don’t have to have it all figured out right now, so take it a day at a time and focus on how you can help yourself feel more comfortable with being a three (possibly four, five, sis, seven) dimensional being, in the present. if you need a friend or if you want to talk about this properly, my inbox will be open. i’m pretty relieved to hear someone else talk about this, cause i’ve dealt with it for so long and it’s exhausting. sending you a lot of love and warmth x

[aaronhart93-archive]

discord II text Roman & Aaron

Discord thread featuring: Aaron and @romanbeckett​

Mentions: @davieslandon​ @malakhai-ozera​ @jayceelynd​ @alison-haynes​

Where: Aaron is at his house and Roman is at his house.

When: evening of May 26th-monrning of May 27th, 11:30p-2:30a

Description: Roman texts Aaron and they talk all night until they both fall asleep

Trigger Warnings: smut, what I would imagine harry’s peen to look like, really cute shit

Roman.

Hey.

Aaron.

hi

Roman.

Khai broke up with me, so. With us.

with Jay and I. And he left.

Aaron.

oh my god...im sorry Ro

Roman.

Can’t say I didn’t see it coming.

Aaron.

what did he say? Like why...?

Roman.

He told us that he loved us but needed time to work on himself or whatever.

Aaron.

I don’t know Khai that well but it does seem like he’s got a lot of shit to figure out

how are you doing with it?

and jayc? Should I reach out to her or....does she not know we’re talking

Roman.

you can talk to her if you want. I think we both just don’t really know how to feel to be honest.

Aaron.

im sorry

i hope he's okay

and i hope you and Jayc are okay too

Roman.

don’t be lol honestly Aaron, I set myself up for it the second I agreed to close myself off, knowing all of the issues I need to work through as well

contrary to popular belief, I’m far from having it all figured out.

Aaron.

that makes two of us

that was quick tbh

Roman.

Yeah. I just feel like an idiot.

Aaron.

what no....thats not what i meant

Roman.

anyway.

how are you

Aaron.

okay....no please dont feel like an idiot. its his fault not yours

im....okay....getting better than i was last week

miss you though not gonna lie

Roman.

I miss you, too. A lot.

Aaron

:(

im sorry

idk why i am i just feel like i need to apologize

Roman.

you have nothing to be sorry for lol at all

if anything, I’m sorry.

for bringing you into all this drama

and making you eat at a Chinese buffet lol

Aaron.

making me eat at a Chinese buffet is the only thing you have to be sorry for

also

i inserted myself into this mess as well. and didn't pull out once i realized who you were to landon

Roman.

does it make me immature if I laugh at you saying you didn’t pull out once?

Aaron.

RO

YES BUT IM HERE FOR IT

Roman.

I might just be high, but now I can’t stop laughing lol

Aaron.

sksjks

im sober and laughing so

well not sober

i had a few drinks

Roman.

everyone knows you’re a lightweight Aaron, stop tryin’ to be sly lol

Aaron.

who you callin a lightweight, lightweight?

Roman.

only when I haven’t eaten anything LIGHTWEIGHT

Aaron.

https://tenor.com/view/uncalled-gif-5394176

michelle tanner voice

Roman.

You miss me. Just a reminder.

Aaron.

you miss me

another reminder

Roman.

I’m not the one calling you rude lol

Aaron.

you called me out for being a lightweight and i retaliated

forgive me

Roman.

you’re in denial is what you are :fingerguns2:

but I’ll forgive you.

Aaron.

idk you'd think for how much i drink i'd have a higher tolerance

i need therapy

Roman.

probably lol I’ll go with you

Aaron.

lol couples counseling?

jk

jk

Roman.

I actually think it would be quite funny to see what they have to say about US

Aaron.

i need a therapist to tell it like it is

then again i do have ali

that woman calls me out on my shit literally daily

maybe shes just a free therapist

Roman.

LMAO that’s...amazing. I like her already.

Aaron.

she do be driving me up a wall

but

shes family

Roman.

Ah, family. I’ve been trying to get my sister here, but she’s being an ass lol

Aaron.

asshat

who wouldn’t want to move to New York

Roman.

satans demons.

Aaron.

exactly

whats keeping her from coming?

Roman.

she’s not as hellbent on big cities as I am lol

Aaron.

weird

city life has always been for me

arent you from manchester? is that not a big city?

Roman.

it’s not New York lol

she lives in the country now though.

Aaron.

no city is new york

Roman.

exactly lol

Aaron.

what are you doing

besides getting high

Roman.

I’m naked on the couch eating cherry gilato while watching good mythical morning on YouTube

Aaron.

i would very much like to be naked on a couch with you

Roman.

I painted my nails and did a facial first lol i could do yours as well

Aaron.

ill take the facial

i couldn't pull off the nails though

Roman.

you’d look so kickass with some black nails

Aaron.

you think?

Roman.

hell yes. Even a sky blue, like those eyes

Aaron.

i blush

maybe we can try the toe nails first

in case I end up hating them

Roman.

OH, I’m also trained in Swedish massage, head to toe. If you want a personal spa day

Aaron.

that would just give me a boner

Roman.

well, it’s a FULL body massage after all.

Aaron.

sksjsks

dont tempt me

Roman.

Aaron. I just.

is it bad that I don’t want to stay away from you anymore?

that’s a dumb question

I know it’s bad.

Aaron.

its not dumb

I don’t want to stay away from you either

but I promised Landon

Roman.

I know. So did I.

You’re right, I’m sorry.

Aaron.

he’s my best friend

dont be sorry

im glad you’re being honest with me

I just don’t see Landon being okay with this anytime soon

Roman.

I know! I know. He’s mine too, and I care about him more than I care to admit. I shouldn’t be like this.

Aaron.

damn this is fucked up

Roman.

I shouldn’t have said anything

Aaron.

I wish this could be easier

im the one that started with the boner references

Roman.

Not really. I offered you a massage

Aaron.

okay yes but

I told you I wanted to be naked with you

Roman.

because I said I was naked

Aaron.

I just don’t want you blaming yourself that’s all

Roman.

I know, but it is what it is. I made a mess of everything, and now everything I had is ruined lol I deserve it.

Aaron.

Ro

I’m sad you think so little of yourself

Roman.

I don’t. It’s just consequences. I made bad decisions, and now I have to deal with the consequences. That’s all. It’ll all be okay.

Aaron.

I wish I could make you feel better

Roman.

you already do. I promise.

Aaron.

I just smiled

Roman.

show me?

Aaron.

sure

Roman.

omg bad idea my heart

Aaron.

oop

Roman.

you’re so fucking jahshsbzjdndjendj

Aaron.

AKDJDJAKALhdja

Roman.

I’m mad at you

for looking like that

Aaron.

Well i can’t stop thinking about u

Roman.

let me just

Aaron.

yeah I kept drinking

and as we’ve established I’m a lightweight

okay I showed you a selfie now you should be a selfie

Roman.

oh yeah? Trying to boss me around again are ya?

Aaron.

do what daddy says

Roman.BOTToday at 2:02 AM

yes daddy.

Aaron.

brb gotta go jack off

Roman.

stoppppp

Aaron.

not kidding

Roman.

you don’t need a better picture than that to do the deed

??? Lolll

Aaron.

I mean....you could send me some

Roman.BOTToday at 2:09 AM

Does this help?

Aaron.

holy fuck

ugh I wanna fuck you so bad

and put all of you in my mouth

Roman.

I want it too. I shouldn’t, but I do. I want you to fuck me with my hands tied behind my back, and you pulling on my collar from behind.

Aaron.

fuck don’t put those thoughts in my head or I’ll act up

I wanna tie you up so bad

and punish you for being so naughty

Roman.

I’d want to call out your name so loud, but you’d have to let me.

Aaron.

you can’t do anything without my permission

Roman.

I’ll do my best daddy. You know I like to make you proud.

Aaron.

Ro I just came into a sock so hard

I want you so bad but the fact I can’t have you makes that even hotter to me

Roman.

forbidden fruit, hm?

Aaron.

you’re my forbidden fruit for sure

Roman.

wish I could have been there to help

Aaron.

you did enough helping trust me

Roman.

are we terrible people lol

Aaron.

I know

we are

im trying though

so that’s gotta count for something

Roman.

I hope it does, for both our sakes lol

Aaron.

if this doesn’t work out we can always be together in hell

Roman.

that sounds like a rightful ending

at least I’ll be tan.

Aaron.

we’ll both be hot and tan chilling in hell together

and we can fuck all we want

Roman.

sounds like the next big Netflix series.

Aaron.

could you imagine a Netflix series about us

Roman.

no, I’m scared to lol it would be more insane than Tiger King

Aaron.

you think our lives are more insane than Tiger King?!?

Roman.

scary, right??

Aaron.

thats definitely...quite the comparison

Roman.

I would have loved to have seen your face watching it for the first time

Aaron.

watching that together would have been so fun

I can picture us watching that and freaking out together

Roman.

maybe one night we’ll trip acid and watch it again

Aaron.

confession I’ve never tripped before

Roman.

whaaaaaa

do it with me!

Aaron.

I mean yeah I used to do a lot of coke when I got drunk and sometimes still do but that been the extent of my drug use

hahaha I will trip with you, Roman Beckett

Roman.

aces! Just tell me when and where, and it’s a plan!

Aaron.

”aces”

but yeah let’s do it this weekend

Roman.

I’m British you knob. Shut up lol

Aaron.

I know MATE I was making fun of you

Roman.

sends long audio clip making fun of Aaron’s New York accent

Aaron

brooooo

I do say that though

Roman.

I know, I’ve listened to you talk enough

it’s cute though

ready for bed?

Aaron.

just about

I was gonna go to bed a while ago but wanted to keep texting you

Roman.

same.

tuck me in lol

Aaron.

do u want me to tell you a bedtime story

Roman.

yes, but make it snappy

and I want warm milk

Aaron.

damn

so bossy

but okay

Roman.

you know I’m spoiled.

Aaron.

that must’ve been my fault

okay Des like this one:

By the African river, know as the Nile The sun fell away and it rested a while The rhinos had braved all the smoldering heat They lay down to sleep as they wiped off their feet The elephants marched to their elephant beds And gently they rested their elephant heads Slowly the hippos sank into the river The water so cold that it gave them a shiver (Hippos can't swim, like the pelicans think They also can't float, they could easily sink) The hippos went bathing in cool, shallow pools Thinking the rhinos and elephants fools Underwater, they fell to the soft river bed On darkish green plants with a smidgen of red They strolled on the bottom, then bounced up for air They did it for hours, without any care The fish followed closely, and wove in an out Under their belly, and up to their snout Each of the hippos came up to the shore To feed on the grass by the river once more They dried off their bodies by shaking and stomping And took bites of grass, chewing and chomping With night fading fast, they were full from the feast The sun returned back, rising up form the east The hippos crept off to collapse for the day While rhinos and elephants got up to play Enjoying the warmth of the sun and its light Never knowing the story of hippos at night

just read it in my New York accent you’re so good at

goodnight Lois

Roman.

that was perfect. Goodnight Clark.

[thetourguidebarbie]

What about Klaroline with Klaus being jealous of Caroline's close friendship with Enzo. it doesn't have to end in smut but im fine if it your choice.

Emergency fluff for one of my favorite people. @chica-cherry-lola has been reminding me for months that I promised her a mini-sequel to A Guilty Pleasure, my tattoo artist/florist au I wrote for @lalainajanes a bajillion years ago for a v-day exchange. Thank you to @garglyswoof for looking over this quickly.

This has smut in the beginning and is teeth-rottingly fluffy, so if that’s not your thing, I’d skip it. Bookshop AU will be posted once I get the edits in (sorry you’re getting a false alarm, Laine).

His chest was pressed against her back as his tongue traced a trail along her collarbone, the combination of it with his fingers curling against her walls bringing her just to the edge, but unable to tip over. Her eyes closed as he pressed soft kisses to the back of her neck, legs shaking as he brushed his fingers over her clit. “You’re so lovely,” he whispered, nipping her shoulder. “I do enjoy the sounds you make for me.”

She moaned softly in response as he pinched her clit lightly with his thumb and forefinger, her moan turning into a muttered string of expletives as she came, and she felt his stubble scratch against her skin as he smiled. She was breathing hard as she turned on her back to look at him, her lips parting slightly as she realized he was sucking her arousal off his fingers. He bent to kiss her once he was done, his palm steady on her hip, his tongue brushing across the seam of her lips. She moaned softly as he dragged his teeth across her shoulder and moved down to press kisses down to the valley between her breasts, flicking his tongue against her nipple before moving down her ribcage.

“I have a question, sweetheart,” he said, his voice muffled as his lips moved across her skin, and she arched her back as his tongue traced the flowered vine inked on her ribs.

“What?”

“What’s this tattoo from?”

She laughed. “It’s me and Enzo’s twinsies tattoo.”

Klaus froze mid-lick, pushing himself up so that he was looming over her. “Beg pardon, sweetheart?”

“A twinsies tattoo? You know, like when you and your best friend get matching tattoos to indicate that you will, in fact, be ‘best friends forever’?” Caroline said teasingly, making air quotes.

He stared at her with a look of what she considered completely unwarranted revulsion. “You and Enzo have matching tattoos?” he asked slowly, starting to withdraw his hand, clearly intent on getting an explanation. She grabbed his wrist, her eyebrows raised before groaning when she realized that he wanted the whole story before she’d get her next orgasm.

“Yeah. We were in our second year of college and Enzo and I were taking this really boring history class. It was basically impossible to study because the Professor’s study guides didn’t actually match what was on the tests or quizzes, which should totally be illegal. Anyway, the point is that it was finals week and we both knew that what ended up on the test was completely random, so we made a dumb bet that whoever scored higher could pick a tattoo for the other one. Just so you know, talking about my basically-brother-best-friend is not keeping me turned on.”

“And he won?”

“Nope, I did! I just got the same one in solidarity. I tried to talk Bonnie into it too but she said that couples tattoos were always a mistake no matter what. I thought it was kind of romantic, but she’s annoyingly practical.”

“Romantic, hmm?” he asked, and she narrowed her eyes as she watched the gears turn in his mind.

“Klaus...” she groaned, half out of exasperation and half because she wanted him to start moving again.

He bent and ran his nose along the curve of her neck. “I did tell you that I liked the idea of leaving a mark on someone’s body with my art. You even more.”

“I don’t know,” she said, the last word turning into a breathless ‘oh’ as he slipped two fingers back inside of her, her back arching. “I think you just don’t like that another guy and I have matching tattoos.”

“Perhaps,” he allowed, his fingertip tracing her hipbone before he bent to kiss her again.

“You’re such a jealous weirdo,” Caroline muttered between kisses, though there was no bite to her tone.

“You like it,” he whispered, nipping her ear and curling his fingers against her g-spot, making her gasp.

“In small doses,” she managed to pant out.

“You can’t tell me you don’t enjoy it, love. I feel that shiver run down your body when I press my hand against the small of your back as we walk, hear the way your breath catches when I tell you that you belong to me.”

“Klaus...”

“Try to deny it then,” he murmured. “Tell me you’re not mine, Caroline. Try.”

“Klaus,” she said, a tinge of warning coloring her tone.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“You’re a smug jerk,” she muttered, her face half buried in his chest. She could feel his chest rumble against her cheek as he chuckled, curling his fingers against her walls, his other hand slipping between the cheeks of her ass, making her squeak in surprise.

“All right?”

“Fuck,” she hissed, unable to decide between riding his fingers or pressing against where he was touching her back entrance, her breathing growing shallow. “It’s good,” she managed.

“I’d like to take your pretty arse with my cock later,” he said quietly, pinching her ass before letting his hand travel down the back of her thigh, the drag of nails against her skin deep enough that he’d most likely leave a mark.

“After we unpack,” she said, taking a deep stuttering breath when Klaus pushed the tip of his finger into her back entrance as he nibbled at her neck and stroked her clit, the sensations almost too much for her to handle. She heard him hum against her skin when she came, clearly pleased, pulling back to look at her and brushing a damp curl from her face with his nose to press a kiss to her temple.

“I like you here.”

“Well, that’s good since I’ll be here every night for the foreseeable future,” she teased, sliding her arms around his shoulders to rub a curl between her fingers, the other hand tracing the lines of the triangle inked on his back. “But as comfortable as our bed is, I still have a lot of closet-invading and counterspace-stealing to do.”

“It’s not invading or stealing if it’s yours,” he pointed out, letting her go reluctantly as she wriggled out from under him and slid out of bed, reaching for the jeans she’d managed to half pull on before Klaus had coaxed her out of them earlier that morning. She looked over her shoulder to see him eyeing her hungrily and grinned.

“How am I supposed to concentrate knowing that you’re wearing nothing under those?”

“Like you always do,” she said unsympathetically. “I have full faith in your ability to get up and walk the ten feet to the shower without jumping me.”

He huffed grumpily in a way that probably shouldn’t have been endearing. “Later, I promise,” she repeated. “Seriously though. Get in the shower now so I can send you on a coffee mission when you get out.”

“So bossy,” he murmured, sitting up and stretching. She found herself tempted to throw out her unpacking plans and crawl back into bed to run her tongue down his abs, but at this point she’d committed to her non-sex Sunday agenda and she was too stubborn to admit defeat.

“Is that a problem?” she asked with a raised eyebrow, adjusting her bra and reaching for her blouse.

“Hot in small doses, as you’d say,” he teased, pushing the covers off and running his hand through his hair. She drank him in shamelessly, smiling when he pressed a light kiss to her temple as he walked past her to their master bathroom, his hand lingering on the vine on her ribs for a moment too long, thumb brushing along one of the leaves.

She took a shaky breath, glancing at the door as it closed behind him. Her skin was still burning from his touch, her heart pounding in her chest. They’d been together for almost a year now, counting the time she’d spent in denial pretending they were friends with benefits, and he still made her pulse race on a daily basis, made her feel wanted and beautiful and powerful.

She’d spent way too much time at the beginning worrying that his feelings for her would fade and the only thing to linger would be physical chemistry. She’d been embarrassingly obvious and he’d noticed, but instead of brushing her insecurities off with pretty words, he’d reassured her with every affectionate touch and warm smile that he wanted a connection with her that was more than physical.

Honestly, she couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

She traced the swallow on her wrist that she’d gotten the week of her eighteenth birthday absently as she considered his words from earlier.

I like the idea of leaving my mark on someone’s body with my art. You even more.

She wondered if she should be scared that she liked the idea too.

“What do you want to do next week?” Caroline asked, sinking down on the couch and pressing her cheek against his shoulder, glancing at his sketchpad. He inhaled her scent, the subtle floral shampoo that now clung to his pillows on nights when he wasn’t even dreaming. It had been two months since she’d moved in and he hadn’t yet been able to get out of the habit of pulling her closer in the mornings before she woke just to savor the feel of her against him. He wasn’t sure he’d ever shake away the constant wonder that she’d chosen to stay.

“Ooh, that’s pretty,” she said, shifting so that she could get a better look without impeding his drawing hand.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” he said, twirling the pencil between his fingers before adding more shading to the dragon’s wing.

“For a client,” he said, frowning as he inspected his work. “I think it needs something else. Been redrawing it for a few hours now, but it never looks quite right.”

“Do you need a few minutes then? For your muse to visit, or whatever?”

“Don’t be silly, love. My muse happens to be sitting right beside me.”

“You are a cheeseball,” she said, kissing him lightly on the cheek. “But seriously. Next week?’

“For our anniversary? I have plenty of ideas for all the things I’ll do to you,” he said, giving her a wicked smirk and taking a bit too much satisfaction in the flush that crept up her cheeks.

“Klaus!”

He could tell that she wasn’t actually annoyed with him, her exasperation more fond than anything else, though from the way she was shifting against him he could tell that she had something she was holding back.

“Do you have any preferences?” he asked, studying her face for any hint of her feelings, and he recognized the tilt of her chin as her mentally prepping herself to say something she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to spit out.

“I was thinking we could go to the shop.”

“For a private romantic dinner?” he asked, already planning at least ten different things they could do with her stockroom table.

She swallowed. “Yours, actually.”

“Mine?” he asked, not quite daring to believe what she was implying.

“I want you to give me a tattoo,” she said. “If you want to.”

“What do you want?” he asked immediately, reaching for his sketchbook and eagerly flipping to a new page. “Anything specific?”

“I want something symbolic.”

“The flower?” he offered, only half-joking, already trying to remember the exact slant of its petals.

“No. I want...I mean, I wanted to do something about the second I realized that I actually had feelings-feelings for you as opposed to sex-only-feelings, but that moment didn’t really have any symbolic objects that I’d feel comfortable having on my body permanently.”

“When was it?” he asked, unable to restrain his curiosity.

She blushed, unable to meet his eyes. “It was the night when we had the fight before we got together.”

“When you walked out on me?” he asked, not particularly wanting to open old wounds but needing to clarify.

She winced. “It wasn’t my proudest moment, okay? It just kind of hit me all at once, you know? I was like, in hardcore denial, and you put your arms around me and told me to stay and...” she trailed off, tangling her fingers with his and giving him a small smile. “I wanted to, and I was worried that you were just like, being polite—“

She glared at him when he was unable to restrain a laugh, setting down his pencil. “Caroline, when have I ever been polite to anyone out of obligation?”

“Well I didn’t know that then,” she said grumpily. “I mean, I did, but again, denial.”

“Right.”

“What about you?”

“Hmm?”

“What was your moment?”

He didn’t even have to think about it, his lips curling into a smile as he told her how beautiful she’d looked bent over her terrarium diagram in the coffee shop. How he’d watched her hands as she shaded the sketch carefully, admired the way her teeth sank into her lower lip as she concentrated. “I knew I’d enjoyed talking to you,” he explained, smiling at Caroline’s raised eyebrow. “But that moment...I was curious about you. Your story, your hopes and goals. I wanted to get to know you. I couldn’t resist.”

“That’s so cute,” she said, grinning at the face he pulled at the word. “Sorry. You’re just much more romantic than me.”

“I’m not sure that’s true,” he said, tugging one of her curls between his fingers. “In any case, perhaps you don’t want a tattoo of the experimental flower Bonnie gave you, but there are other options. Chrysanthemums?”

She groaned. “My least favorite flowers that I refused to sell you so that you wouldn’t poison your sister’s boyfriend? I’d rather have the sex plant.”

“Do you still have the sketch?”

She frowned. “From the coffee shop?”

“Yes.”

“Yeah. I’m sure I still have it,” Caroline said, moving off the couch and walking to the section of the bookshelf where she kept all her original sketches for her terrarium and bouquet ideas. She pulled out the one labeled ‘succulents’ and flipped through it, sliding a piece of heavy paper out of a page protector and scanning it thoughtfully before handing it to him.

“This one?”

He nodded, taking it and running the tip of his finger along the outline. “I want this here, I think,” he said, gesturing to the left side of his ribcage. “And I’ll get it in color, but I can make it subtler for you if you like. Just the outline or shadow...”

“Matching tattoos?” she asked, her eyebrows raised.

“You said they were romantic,” he pointed out, and she nodded, leaning against his side and inspecting the sketch.

“I like it,” she said. “Even if it feels a little weird to have a tattoo of something I drew.”

“I can always sketch you something, sweetheart. Whatever you want.”

“I think I want the orchid,” she said after thinking it over for a few seconds. “But in a purple or a blue. The real-life pink was really loud.”

“That can be arranged,” he murmured, already sketching the outline. “Where do you want it?”

“Same place as yours.”

“Doing it over bones is the most painful area,” he warned slowly, glancing at her, and she smiled, pecking him on the lips.

“It’ll heal, and I totally look forward to your inevitable weird obsession with licking it.”

“Is that another thing you’ll only tolerate in small doses?”

“No. Tattoo-licking is highly encouraged,” she said, her tone and expression so serious that if he hadn’t known her well he would have missed that she was trying desperately not to laugh.

“Noted, sweetheart.”

“Good,” she said, curling with her feet underneath her to peek over his shoulder at the orchid he was carefully outlining. “I love you, you know. A lot.”

“And I, you,” he said quietly

He didn’t need to look at her to know she was giving him the bright smile that she seemed to reserve for moments like this, when they were close and comfortable. He could see it in his mind’s eye, could have easily sketched it from memory.

He couldn’t resist looking anyway.

[ritaskecters]

(maddie, she/her, 20, mst, self harm) RITA SKEETER is NEUTRAL in the war, even though HER official job is as A DAILY PROPHET REPORTER the TWENTY year old HALFBLOOD is known to be PERSUASIVE and CONFIDENT but also CALLOUS and SHALLOW. some might label them as THE VIXEN. fc: alisha boe

look im gonna level with u guys: rita’s a B I T C H. i love her, but she’s a bitch.

character parallels: cheryl blossom, katherine pierce, blair waldorf/any other vindictive bitch u can think of probs

OK so rita was born to a middle class family in east london, her parents got married young, it was a mistake, she was a mistake, and not a day went by where they didn’t remind her of that -- they would scream and yell, it would get physical, sometimes, and rita would just sit there, unsure of what to do.

she thought when she went to hogwarts things would get better, but they didn’t. she was a hatstall, the sorting hat stuck between slytherin and ravenclaw. she was cunning and ambitious, but she had this thirst for knowledge, this ever present need to be R I G H T that ultimately landed her in ravenclaw. 

she was pretty popular in school, but its because people feared her. people loved to hate her. she was tall, beautiful, and walked with an air of “i could ruin you for fun.” and she could. she had dirt on every student, a little notebook full of dirty secrets she kept hidden in her room, blackmail material just in case she ever needed it.

and every now and then, when she got bored and felt as though people were getting too chummy, she’d throw out a piece of info to get the school talking.

rita had always wanted to be a reporter. she took a job at the daily prophet right after graduation and has quickly worked her way up since. she’s one of the leading investigative reporters at the prophet ( she’s an animagus now, it’s how she gets most of her info )

she’s not the rita skeeter of the future yet. she’s still young and having a good time. she doesn’t become a sellout until much later in life. right now, she’s pretty well respected.

a bit of a hoe, still. hasn’t had a serious relationship since graduation, but she’s definitely been sleeping around. she’s young and she sorta just wants to have fun and well her idea of fun seems to be very loud and kinky sex so there’s that

she’s become even more manipulative after graduating, i think ? like, she realized pretty quickly that the real world is kinda hard but she’s pretty, young, and smart so she’s definitely figured out how to weasel her way out of work and other stupid tasks around the office.

lowkey a kleptomaniac. likes stealing a lot, gives her a fun rush of adrenaline. 

she’s always wearing red lipstick. 

she holds grudges. if you cross her, she will get back at you.

um? i think thats it idk.

[nayeon-sadly-owns-me]

Welcome back for the final part of my mini series revolving around Gold Dust if you need to read my Part One and/or Part Two here are the links. Depending on if people want to hear my theories, I’ll leave that up to any feedback I get. I also might do Fool’s Gold, who knows. (I know.) Yes this is still long af because you gotta go out with a bang.

Part 3

Chapter 2 Second Half

Spoilers beyond here-

Last time we left off with Nayeon and Momo overlooking the city on the same cliff that Nayeon learned that having sex with someone you have feelings for is beyond comparison to having manipulation sex.

We pick things up with Nayeon returning to Seungyeon’s room after being forced to actually be on time for once via Momo. Funny seeing as it’s hinted at the beginning of the group session mentions that Momo tends to be a few minutes late so she is the last one to enter and first to leave.

When asked if she likes the Starry Night, we get another view of just how much Momo has affected her thinking. She lets it stay up because the stars remind her of Momo. Interesting facts about this painting is that it was painted after Vincent van Gogh experienced a mental breakdown and sought treatment in a mental asylum. The painting itself has been interpreted as him painting his darkest night but still finding hope in the star’s light (and the houses below). It really is a painting suitable for Nayeon and how Momo has given her hope.

On the surface, Nayeon buying and giving Momo a phone so she can be there in case something is wrong, is a pretty simple answer to accept. Except, Nayeon has strong emotional ties towards keeping her phone on her and making sure she can contact her dad and now Momo. Her strong push for Momo to take the phone is now physical evidence that Momo’s concerns are now hers just like with her father. She needs to know that they are okay at all times, so it’s important Momo has a phone. Also she has hit the lovey stage where any minute they’re apart she misses her but you didn’t hear that from me.

Like any addict, if you give them an easy route to obtaining their drug of choice, they will probably cave and do it. Despite all her ramblings about how Seungyeon’s preaching was bullshit, she finds herself having an identity crisis because her grasp on who she is has been altered. It’s out of spite that she tries to force herself back into the game, but she can’t. Momo has become too important to her to except any less now.

Bringing it back to Nayeon describing how different sex with Momo was compared to all the others, it was the first time she had felt the ecstasy that is supposed to be felt. Anything less than that will now feel unacceptable as she is now experiencing.

In comparison to how Momo makes her feel, not even substances can top it.

It’s why you can’t knock this couple as having an overly toxic relationship because despite their flaws, they make each other better. More on this though when Chapter 3 comes out, whenever it does.

For all the talk of Nayeon wanting Momo to have a phone in case she needs her, it’s actually Nayeon who calls Momo. It leads to another situation where it could be late at night but if Nayeon calls then Momo will be there. Just like if Momo called her, Nayeon would be there.

We get to see the difference between Momo and Nayeon when it comes to how they feel about coming to each others houses sort of how they were when they came into each others lives. Momo gives warning and politely waits outside to be invited in. Nayeon speeds over and announces her arrival like it’s her life’s mission.

Earlier in the scene, it was briefly mentioned that a movie was playing in the background. Nayeon treated it as no big deal and used it as white noise. Now we have Momo who is completely fixated on the movie because she doesn’t have the luxury to watch tv. In fact, I’m sure she would have been captivated by anything on the tv. What seems small and insignificant to Nayeon is large and important to Momo.

Blanket forts have always been a sanctuary of comfort, especially for kids who are afraid of the dark. They always were portrayed as a place where your demons can’t reach you. It’s a beautiful idea for Momo to suggestion when Nayeon is on the brink of an emotional breakdown from watching Cameron sink, just like how she feels. Despite the fact that Momo has no clue about her extreme anxiety over water or any of her core issues in general, she still triumphs at giving Nayeon a safe space. She doesn’t ask questions, and for the moment it’s the best thing Nayeon could ask for.

It’s arguably the softest scene in the entire two chapters, where they can just exist just by being together.

We get our second scene with Momo and the Maid. It’s important to note that the maid really supports Momo being in Nayeon’s life because of all that she’s seen. Momo has made her better in almost every sense of the word. We have already seen Nayeon changer her attitude towards the staff from when Momo dropped her off and she woke up. This is a nice comparison to Jeongyeon/Seungyeon who haven’t seen the real and fake Nayeon in all her glory.

Momo also has considerable character growth with the fact that she now longs to be somebody to Nayeon. She’s long since abandoned the notion that she is nobody important which is huge for somebody like her.

I like to pretend that Nayeon made her her sandwich because she doesn’t trust anyone in her staff with the job. I can hear her reasoning that if Momo is gonna have practice ALL day then she should have a decent lunch and well she knows what she likes better than the staff so she might as well do it. Then staring at the clock until it was close to the soccer teams lunch time (that she totally didn’t make Dahyun tell her) so she could personally deliver it (absolutely not because she wants to see Momo).

If Momo wasn’t so convinced that Nayeon only sees her as a friend, she would have noticed Nayeon staring at her like she was a 5-course meal. Of course, she rationalizes that it’s because she’s messy and not because Nayeon’s head gets fuzzy when she looks at Momo’s body in general. Subtle isn’t in Nayeons vocabulary.

Something to note, Momo is fiercely protective of Nayeon when it comes to Jeongyeon. She gets much colder. I was actually surprised that the ending line came from Momo instead of Nayeon because we had that little line spoiler during the update phase. I have my own theories on what Jeongyeon is referring to, my thoughts is that it connects to how Momo got into therapy in the first place. My question is what had happened to trigger Momo and how did Jeongyeon discover it? Gotta wait.

They say that when you are attracted to somebody, you begin to show more physical affection because of compromising needs and wants. Up until now, Nayeon had always been extremely cautious to not engage in physical contact because it goes against what she was taught to believe. However, with her mental state constantly reminding her that she’s attracted to Momo, she has to give in to that urge slightly so that it doesn’t drive her insane. Meanwhile, Momo lets it happen because she is openly aware that she likes Nayeon and is happy about this change in her.

If these were two stable people, they would have already come to the conclusion that the feelings of interest are mutual and would stop pretending that they’re just friends. Instead, they continue to never use the term ‘friend’ at all, because they’re not friends at this point. Their not so subtle attraction and die-for-you attitude extends beyond being comfortable with using the term ‘friends’. That’s why you only see them use ‘barely-friends’ or ‘sort-of-friends’ ect ect. If anything, you should already stop reading it as implying of friendship and start implying it as dating.

Even more so that Nayeon is THAT bitch that has to call her person of interest (on speed dial no less) just to hear her voice in the middle of the night. Then calls three more times because obviously something is wrong and she isn’t just sleeping.

Think back to the panic Nayeon showed when she wasn’t sure if her dad was alive still or not because of a missed phone call. Her fear that something happened to Momo might be irrational, but it’s still a fear she has. She has a very real fear that something bad will happen to the people she loves and it bleeds into her daily life.

Their relationship becomes a game of ‘How can I turn this into a reason to show im attached to you without having to say it’ leading to reading, cuddling/sleeping together, and playing footsies. Although Nayeon is comfortable just reading with Momo, she still wants that interaction that leaves her physically satisfied. Admitting you find the person cute is the first step of acceptance. Coming to the realization that you want to kiss them is the second. Her steps of acceptance are messy, just like her.

This scene makes me hope that NaMo adopt a puppy to raise together because it would make Momo the happiest girl alive. It also shows how hopelessly devoted she is towards her even when Sana makes blunt attempts to gain her attention and they fail. It only succeeded in reminding her that the people around her only would only want her for shallow reasons. It seems that it’s her way of dealing with what she thinks is one-sided feelings so she thinks the worst to try to make these feelings go away.

Because of those thoughts, she misses the fact that Nayeon would cut down anyone who tries to get with Momo. Specifically Sana, who has eyes on Momo because of her physical attraction (and Jeongyeon’s manipulation). She also misses Nayeon’s growing fondness of being Momo’s only person, something that will be entertaining to watch when Mina comes into the picture.

It’s frustrating as a reader to watch Nayeon agonize from being sexually frustrated when we know Momo wants the same thing. It’s just dramatic irony playing its role and you have to reminder yourself that both of them think that what they’re doing right now is what the other wants and needs. Nayeon is use to playing the puppeteer so it’s no surprise that she feels a surge of guilt when she makes herself come to the mere idea of it being Momo doing it. It reminds her of her days using people, connecting physical activity with using. Because any slip of want feels like it’s coming from Nayeon’s darker days of having ultimatums instead of her being close to being in love.

Pair of eyes is what I assume to be belonging to Jeongyeon seeing as she has such a harsh reaction later in the scene.

There are subtle hints that Nayeon is about to have one of her irrational breakdowns, Jeongyeon unknowingly is the catalyst for this one. Which is pretty ironic considering she tries to make Momo forget about Nayeon using Sana thus trying to sabotage their thing (one of which she doesn’t know what she’s sabatoging). Like I said, it’s frustrating to read but can’t be written any other way.

When you’re trying to defend your relationship to someone you fucked over (in more ways than one), describing said person as fragile as your defense is not the best way to go. It already shows that her defenses are weak. If Nayeon had a more stable mindset, she could have given a better answer. All it took was Jeongyeon saying “All the more reason to keep her away from you” to cause her into a spiraling breakdown.

Because Nayeon isn’t listening when Momo tries to explain that whatever version of Nayeon Jeongyeon knows, it’s not the same as the version she knows. However, you can’t explain that to somebody that already has their mindset made up. They’re still going to believe what they want to believe.

So, Nayeon does the only thing she can do in this situation. She kisses her and lets herself loose despite all the warning signs. Because, like I mentioned earlier, Nayeon associates sex as a game, she hasn’t gotten to the point where she has separated the two yet. She also ignores Momo in the process and choses to believe that she is only using her.

It’s even worse when Momo starts to blame herself and asks her not to leave her. They’re a dangerous mixture that’s bound to hurt Momo the most just like Nayeon thinks. Nayeon has the ability to come back to reality where she remembers that she wants Momo in her life. Momo, unfortunately, can’t think of this fact (despite Nayeon having already done this several times) because of her abandonment issues.

Seungyeon isn’t blind by any means. Im sure she knows by now that there is something going on between Momo and Nayeon. She is waiting for Momo to speak up about Nayeon, she needs to her for herself how and why they ended up finding each other and what makes it different than Nayeon with her sister. If you think that Jeongyeon is clueless, Seungyeon is arguably more in the dark.

Momo’s coping mechanism isn’t strong enough to combat Nayeon’s latest meltdown, and it shows just how worn down she is. She draws stars in the night sky, although it’s not the comforting kind. It’s the kind of picture that makes her remember what it was like to want to kill herself. Having both these scenes back to back creates a genuine emotion of feeling hurt for these characters because you see how broken they really are.

With Nayeon back down to earth or as close as Im Nayeon can be, she explains her self-created fuck up to her father. Fighting against her latest substance hangover, no doubt the pills from the living room. Although her defenses are lowered enough to admit her feelings, it’s not enough to stop the fact that she can’t say it to him while he’s awake. It’s the third step towards acceptance though.

This isn’t a quick fix though and too many things around her make it impossible to ignore it. Such as, a letter from her mother in prison. We don’t get the context of what the letter says, but we know the anguish it causes her.

She takes being over-dramatic to new heights as she tries to show Momo just how destructive she can be when dealing with a crisis. Her mother treated her like shit and now she feels like she can only treat people like that too. Granted, she has followed through on that in the past. No good deeds will ever replace that, and Nayeon is all too well aware of this fact.

She destroys her mother’s favorite car and topples it down a cliff as a grand message to Momo as physical proof of the point she is trying to get across. I want to remind you that Momo has no context on what happened with Nayeon and her parents. All she knows is that it’s bad and she is trying to scare her off because of it.

The opposite happens of course, it’s Momo after all, and she admits that she’s tired of pretending and just wants to be with her. Making it clear that she is aware of Nayeon’s indecisive behavior that keeps Momo from standing on solid ground for more than a couple of days. Despite the fact that we know how horrendous Momo is with words, she is the one who comes up with what to say in order to snap Nayeon out of it. (for now)

It’s true that Momo gives her more chances than she deserves and that is what has given Nayeon the ability to not think about the consequences of her actions. With the apparent idea that Momo is done, it brings her back to reality that that’s not what she wants but she’s conflicted.

In the end, Momo demands an answer for the second time, and gets nothing.

Instead we’re brought back to Nayeon’s thoughts and how they reflect Seungyeon’s words when they talked about hating the sunset/sunrise. Nayeon tries to burn things to the ground to avoid the pain of liking something and having it not work out. If it doesn’t work out. Throwing away her own words/thoughts along with a bottle of wine (her failed coping mechanism), Nayeon gets her act together roughly the last time of the chapter.

If there is one thing I want to know out of the Sana/Momo thing, it’s if Momo was the one to approach her because of the offer Sana made at the park. My guess is yes.

It’s nice to know Seulgi is as amused with Jeongyeon messy scheme as the readers are.

Nayeon could have threatened Sana, curse her out, physically dealt with her. Instead she just tells her to get the fuck out. Because THIS Im Nayeon doesn’t hurt people. Especially not in front of Momo (until she feels like she has too).

(You can ignore this section. This is my bitch about the situation even though it makes sense in story section)

As someone who has played both High school and college lacrosse, these next few scenes bother me for it being the fact that its arguably the least realistic part of the whole story. No coach in their right mind would allow their players to fuck around with the crowd to stall just because one player isn’t there. Stalling can lead to forfeiting by default. Jeongyeon wouldn’t have time to talk to Sana because nobody is allowed on the field except for staff and players. Not to mention I’ve never met a coach that is okay with their players using their phone before a game much less the starting goalkeeper. Don’t get me started on how may rules Nayeon broke tackling Lisa and Momo just leaving-

What’s worse is that it moves the plot along so I can’t even be properly annoyed at this. You win this round Stormy.

Anyways,

What Nayeon couldn’t say in the locker room, she lets out by tackling Lisa who had just slide-tackled Momo to the ground and calling her out. At worse she should receive a yellow card for an irresponsible tackle but alas, we are treated to an angry Im Nayeon. Remember what I said about her never wanting to physically hurt anybody in front of Momo? Yeah, that goes out the window when somebody dares to hurt Momo even if it is not on purpose.

Despite the drama, Nayeon’s actions are self-justifiably (although not excused) fueled by emotions that have been boiling since she left Momo in her car.

Now that she has released all that pent up energy, she is now left to come to terms with what she has done. By the time Momo finds her, she’s drained and arguably at her best to talk to about feelings.

Except they don’t talk. Instead Nayeon does what she knows how, and that’s to kiss Momo into believing that this time she isn’t going to leave her. I keep being brought back to the time when Nayeon first tried to kiss her when Momo asked her to show her something real. Although in fic time it was only a few weeks ago, it shows that now the definition of real has changed for Momo. At least when it concerns Nayeon.

Rest assured that her feelings are returned, she finally admits to wanting Momo back. There were three times that Nayeon had come to find Momo to talk about her feelings- whether to keep her in her life or finally admit her feelings. 3 seemed to be the magic number for this fan fic.

Throughout this story, there would be thoughts put in parenthesis that would be repeated three times. 99% of the time, they were thoughts that were untrue or wrong in some way. When Nayeon repeats I promise aloud 3 times for Momo to hear, it has me wondering if that is what makes it true. It is a noticeable difference if you’re looking for it. I’m going to give it the benefit of the doubt.

Also NaMo are THAT couple that will bang in a classroom because of the pent up sexual frustration and just can’t wait because they have each other right there and why stop at kissing.

We’ve seen Nayeon make strides to get over her addictions (although she has a long way to go). Most impressively would be Momo. For years she practiced hard to become a star soccer player. I would put money on the fact that she has never skipped a practice or game. The fact that she was willing to leave a big game to go check up on Nayeon shows just how important she has become to her. It’s enough to leave the thoughts of her parents behind, whether she still has lingering thoughts about them or not.

From Nayeon worrying about Momo ruining her reputation, to now being regarded as Momo’s girlfriend by probably the whole student body- she’s come a long way in that regard.

You know Nayeon must have had a good time earlier when she doesn’t try anything after seeing Momo in just her underwear and a shirt.

Despite Momo’s attitude of accepting the idea of Nayeon not wanting her- I really don’t think that’s what she truly thought was real deep down in her subconscious. Because when Nayeon finally told her how she felt, Momo showed no signs of believing it to be false. She just hesitated to make sure that Nayeon wasn’t going to have another meltdown. Despite what she may or may not believes, she has to hear it from Nayeon so it’s good that they got to talk that out.

We get to our third maid and Momo scene, the one where Momo can finally introduce her as a somebody because finally she is now with Nayeon. It’s a little concerning that she felt like the only way to be somebody to Nayeon was to be romantically linked to her, but that is just another one of her issues that I hope to see worked out someday.

(I also want to say that I think it’s adorable that Momo associates home with Nayeon now.)

At some point Momo had to have told her where she gets her gum because Nayeon goes to Seungyeon for it of all people. Nayeon could have bought a whole counter of it if she wanted to. Instead she goes to the source that has helped Momo out even with small gestures.

Going back to the text that Jeongyeon had sent her sister, you have to understand that she only has that to go off of. Seungyeon had to have been there for Jeongyeon when the whole Nayeon thing was over. She knows how much damage Nayeon can do to Momo. That’s why she is so concerned. A part of me wishes that she just ask them about it, but that’s against therapy code (no really it is). Although Momo was never an open book with her, she still knows how unstable her mindset is. Just another case of the missing details factor on Seungyeon’s part that leads to her concern.

We get a tease that Nayeon had something to do with her father’s hospital stay, sadly we haven’t been told enough to be able to think about what that something is.

Instead of flying off the handle about the hospitals lack of contacting her about her father, she goes to Momo in perhaps one of her most vulnerable state.

Up until this point, neither of them have genuinely cried in front of each other because the other has walked away or turned away before they could. Now we see Momo embrace a sobbing wet Nayeon with as much love and care as she can then proceed to get her dried off and wearing clean clothes. The moment feels very rewarding. (Also, this is the first time we see Momo be the one holding Nayeon for a change.)

I have a theory about this water dream- That her mother is in prison for trying to drown her for causing her father’s hospitalized condition. She is recreating the scenario in the form of a nightmare probably brought about from her panic over her father being missing earlier. The reason why she is drowning Momo can be because of her expressed feelings of treating people the way her mother taught her and treated her.

Of course now she has made an effort to escape that way of expressing herself in the form of her thinking she is drowning Momo but can’t stop it. As most nightmares representing trauma do not give you the freedom to change anything from the scenario that it was developed from. While I sincerely don’t think this dream is suggesting Nayeon would actually do something like that to Momo, it’s ominous and could be foreshadowing about their relationship. For now, Momo is still with her and everything is fine.

I don’t need to analyze anything to know that Momo’s parents were two atrocious parents for what they’ve done to their child. It’s a wonder that it took Nayeon so long to figure it out seeing as they’ve both been left alone in their own respectable houses.

If we are basing their birthdays as the same as the irl NaMo, it would mean that Momo had to be 11 when her parents abandoned her. (Nayeon would be a year older, making her 18) (BUT, their birthdays could be adjusted to only being a few months apart making Momo 18 as well. Dunno. It’s up to Stormy.)

Regardless, now that Nayeon knows the root of Momo’s issues, she makes a promise that I don’t know if she will be able to keep. I want her to be able to keep it because they both need it, but habits are habits.

We end the chapter with the revelation of what we already knew, Nayeon is falling in love with Momo.

Will Nayeon’s mom be released from prison? Will Jihyo come back for revenge? Will something bad happen to Nayeon’s dad? Will water be involved at some point? What role does Mina have to play? Will NaMo be happy for once in this god damn fic?

Tune in next time.

Thank you for reading : )

[doesfruitdance]

Tagged by @queenredhead !!

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 people you would like to know better

A - age: 22

B - birthplace: A hospital!! (in Ontario)

C - current time: 1:58pm

D - drink you last had: Water

E - easiest person to talk to: Red! And also Pax!

F - favourite song: oh geez uhh??? I flop back and forth between songs and genres on a daily basis so. Really, my favourite song depends on what scenario I’ve chosen to daydream about????

G - grossest memory: (also one of my earliest sad memories). I was still a kid, like maybe eight? and my parents and I were camping and decided to go for a bike ride/hike around the forest trails. And at one point, one of the trails led to a rocky beach on the lake, so we explored and poked around in the shallows for a bit. Keep in mind the rocks are slippery and you cant really step between them. So I’m walking around carefully, and out of literally nowhere, a frog jumps up onto the rock where I’m about to put my foot. The step is already in motion. There is nowhere else to go and not enough time to react. So I accidentally crushed the poor frog, and I thought it was dead, and I was crying. But it wasn’t dead and it started crawling, and its insides were spilling out onto the rock, and oh my god. I just felt so horrible for the poor frog, and I know it was an accident, but accidental murder is a big deal for a soft-hearted child.

H - horror yes or horror no: horror yes but only in the daytime and never by myself, because im a huge weenie. (Red when we move in together we should watch horror movies together!!!)

I - in love?: OH BOY. UM. ITS REALLY COMPLICATED BECAUSE FEELINGS ARE HARD. I REALLY LOVE BOTH OF MY FRIENDS BUt i dont know where the line between platonic and romantic is, or if im ust not capable of romantic love, and then there are my nonexistent sexual feelings which may just be a side effect of my medications and- so I mean, short answer? Maybe. If I leave my current feelings to fester for a while longer, then yes.

J - jealous of people?: not jealous per se? I get envious of people who are able to do things that I’m not (like work, and leave the house without panicking), but when it comes to people, I mostly get possessive. Not in a dangerous and problematic way? But more so I feel inadequate, and need to constantly remind myself that my friends can have other friends, and it doesnt mean they love me less, it just means they are loving lots of people, because love is infinite.

L - love at first sight or should I walk by again?: You’re gonna have to walk by multiple times, hold a few conversations, and get to know each other, before love comes into the equation.

M - middle name: Kristen

N - number of siblings: I mean, technically i have an older half-sister? I’ve kind of disowned her, because shes a racist, homophobic jackass.

O - one wish: to be able to do things without anxiety and depression constantly dragging me down.

P - person you last called: I DONT USE THE PHONE BECAUSE ANXIETY. its literally been so long since i called someone, i cant remember.

Q - question you are always asked: “So what’s new?” The answer is always ‘nothing’.

R - reason to smile: My family (friends, parents, cousins, cats), dumb youtube videos, the maladaptive daydream scenarios i think up-

S - song you last sang: Eivør - Í Tokuni

T - time you woke up: the fuck asscrack of dawn

U - underwear colour: SIKE, IM NOT WEARING UNDIES

V - vacation destination: I wanna hike across europe!!

W - worst habit: i dont shower often.I pretty much just rinse my hair and wash my bits* so i dont stink. But like, its pretty rare that i actually go into the shower and scrub my legs and arms and all that stuff. (*’bits’ includes pits and intimate pieces)

X - x-rays: Several over the years. Some to check my ankles and toes for breaks, stomach for ulcers, to take a look at my teeth. Nothing super serious though.

Y - your favorite food: LINGUINI NOODLES WITH ROSEE SAUCE AND PARMESEAN AND CHICKEN AND BASIL

Z - zodiac sign: cancer

Here are the people I’ll tag- but im shy so nope!

[stopsubstanceabuse1-blog]

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[ssimontis]

Digital Romance Brought to You by Pixar

I hate this Disney shit I want the end of it Television romances speaking to the masses While life situations just pass us by I don't believe in magic and it's not tragic Connections aren't formed they're taken by bandits As if a moment in the street is all we ever need To sow our seed in a future prepackaged like the goods we worship I say it's time to call the bullshit Life situations never happen like that You think a glance passing by can start a romance? I might have never learned to dance, the clubs weren't for me and the bars were too far out We don't know ourselves these days and that's the price we pay All interconnected technology our human side has bested We can't interact without a glowing white screen Blue light fatigues the mind but fairly tales corrupt our minds We pick and choose partners with a swipe left or right When technology went cordless it took away our courtship We forget the ones around us the friends that surround us I never took chances because the consequences were too rancid But all of life is a game to create decay and betray I was afraid of failure to the point I couldn't bear Harboring emotions so dark they sent me into depression But nothing stays forever the people in our lives stay never You have to take chances to win take risks for a spin A coward in social interactions I've always been But are our new methods of selection a glorious resurection? All I needed to do was talk to you We sat across from each other and I let my favorite code Form a fearful abode where you didn't exist so I couldn't resist The guilt and frustration of the chances daily wasted From the moment I saw you I knew that I wanted you But direct confrontation was never my style Irony takes time because distance so limited now grows infinite Medications meant to slow my mind left me feeling restless The proposed feeling of calm not going to make these frustrations fall I now crave human contact when I took it out of the contract Trained to isolate by all the shit I loved to freebase well All of the time lost in my mind playing back fantasies I could never turn into reality With that attitude I knew couldn't bring positivity and So I came to work every day with half a brain to avoid the insane Thought that you and I would get caught in something worth more than my lot I tried to impress you the issues I dozed for you The music we shared but of shallow talk I was aware And every time I saw you react to another person I felt like being stabbed in the back But insecurity paralyzed me the fears were the worst in me It took me giving up everything I had just to finally take a chance Most of my crew came from a life I barely knew At this present moment but they were my biggest proponents Maybe it was liquid courage maybe I finally conquered the scourge of my reluctant ways But by the pool side that day I finally felt related to the person I debated Approaching every day hoping it would be the time I found my way To make the perfect move that doesn't exist no matter how hard I wish The last time I fell so fast it's a miracle that some of it could last Two lives torn apart in a passionate reaction with consequences unexpected So I learned to take it slow because I can't take that blow again Never physical but like I know battery can come emotionally I might not have fully learned that lesson that'll be a confession But the way we hit it off just made me more pissed off About days weeks and months where I was reluctant as fuck To put myself out there no matter how much it could suck Time is ironic but I'm not laughing I'm gasping At the stupidity and ludicrously hesitant ways before I went away For all this talk of contact physical but not in the sense your mind is going It only took hours for those barriers to fall away And now I have to hope that what we built that day will cease to decay But I ran out of time and chances and it was time to flee Mostly to get away from me but the side I hated came along anyway And now we're back to electrifying friendship through digital networks At least I get a paycheck to keep those messages flowing Hoping you are knowing my aims I pray won't end up in dismay True you never saw the sides of me my destruction abided by But thank God I had the chance to find a new path You understood some of the parts of me less than good But if you saw me honest I think I could be understood I missed the best chance but hopefully it won't be the last But the development to my restless dreams are now dependent On text messages I'm afraid to send Deleting every word seeking the perfect phrase my mind can mend I forgot how infatuation is such an appealing reaction My mind revving up before it's time to even get up But the determined part of my swears never to give up There's always fear of failure and this situation is nothing different When I stand outside ai can at least calm my mind But secretly I'm plotting the next steps to somehow get you on my doorstep I have a fragile ego something that grows into something fanciful Caught in between blind belief and fears Im scared I will never defeat As much as I hated on the networks we try to build love upon Now I find it my only chance at getting to the end of this A part of me can see the outcome doesn't matter All these hopes and dreams are easy to scatter But I pray for something better even though the odds are slowing If I'm persistent with the system I criticized for deafening our lives I've never stood strong in all my beliefs, but that's everyone's case to my relief The things I hate on I know have to wait on When that message finally reached you what are you gonna do? I have it all planned out, I manned up and made the rounds But depending on your reaction it might turn into a frown Only time will tell if I keep up with digital persistence Are my intentions worthless banter or is there something growing That we both are feeling and knowing I know there are others countless choices and growing But I maintain a single focus that's what calms my mind the most I wish you could get these intentions by osmosis I just have to continue to try until my intentions are clear in your mind Maybe I'm ill-adjusted this wouldn't be the first time But something deep inside me wants you to be mine I'm in this for the Long haul there's no going back like Total Recall My friends tell me to cool it maybe it's not worth pushing it Life has passed me by about a million different times I'm sick of being paralyzed in wonder if what could have happened down under I've got a lot of possibilities and probabilities to calculate right now But when I stop the computation it's you who seems like the mountain I want to climb and get to know the ssence of your inner flow I've been afraid to be a full person maybe you could complete me Surviving every day is the biggest goal that has to stay But I don't need a reminder to send some lustful thoughts your way This obsession might be another hard lesson My mind works in cycles that my ilness refines Some of the compulsions obsessions and cycles Take my train off thought off the track for miles They say I have trouble approaching reality Not like psychosis but I don't see things like most of us So as I stare at a screen writing well intentioned poetry All I can hope for is that the words come out direct on the floor I never set expectations my intentions always blurry clear But can I write the message that will synchronize our minds Right now we're in first gear and I keep stalling out But once you put that clutch down it's easy to get around Let's take this into fifth gear I just need words like Shakespeare Risks I'm now willing to take because here I have no one else to relate Maybe times will change and I'll downshift our route But in the present moment climbing those gears is a concern to severe Maybe I'll get over it meet people and forget the Ritz But as of right now this growth is what I'm hunting down I have friends to guide me who expect me to rely On their advice and guidance when I get out of line But on this they said fuck it, abandon hope you Miss's I know my priorities are disorder I need to beat this present day But thoughts of the future keep me away I can't hold them at Bay Sleepless nights spend debating if my actions are creating A framework we can work with and build up a system That I've been planning in my mind, got it so well defined Tomorrow I wake up and hustle my goals practical and actionable But I'm looking for a chance to change my stance and spend some time on this Can I win you over or will life tell me "Go Fish"

[thenewestme21]

I feel like I need to just write this down somewhere because I still need to work through my own thoughts. You both fucking ruined me. It started with Rose, who constantly made me feel like I wasn't good enough or wasn't worth a damn. I didn't deserve her respect, my requests, no matter how polite I made them were always just shit on. I felt small, worthless, unheard, un appreciated. I felt like I was a peasant speaking to a queen, stepping on glass, every thing I said I felt like I was bowing down and every time I felt like what I said was stupid. Like I was expecting to get hit. I felt like I was cowering. I see now that it just became a vicious circle of me giving her power and then her abusing it. There was no right answer with her and everything I did was the wrong answer. I never once just said it with my chest. So this began my road of complete unempowerment. I was constantly reminded that my mistakes were grander than her own and that I should suffer indefinitely for them. Next came Allysa who drove that nail home. I knew that I had to be careful with every single word I spoke because one tiny wring thing and you would turn and run away from me. Again I was the submissive one, lingering after every word waiting for the rolled up newspaper upside me head. Again I felt like my thoughts and feelings were irrelevant. This time though I would get crumbs to keep me in my position of her dog. Little carrots dangled in front of my face to keep me in the position I was in. All the while giving her my time and attention, growing closer with her daughter. I was the perfect little toy. There just in case on a whim she decided to play around with the idea of me but still at arms length so that she didn't feel it necessary to actually give me anything I wanted. Again I was in the position on my knees with my head at her feet. Begging for my words to be heard. Wishing to feel justified and acknowledged. Finally I felt it necessary to try and stand up for myself and tell her how I felt. Then I got the ultimate slap. I was told that I had played a brilliant lap dog but that I would never be anything more than that. I felt like my feelings, thoughts, emotions, sensitivities, and needs were, and always would be, entirely irrelevant. This constant and daily reminder that I was lesser than has taken an enormous role on my own self image and confidence. I'm walled up, guarded, cautious, and scared of what happens when I allow someone into my self. Instead now I focus on my outward appearance. How well i can flirt and come across as desirable. It's easier to enjoy shallow interactions that boost my ego. Because right now that's what I need. I need to feel justified. I want to feel wanted. I need to be reminded that I am desirable. I know what I want out of a partnership, I know that I want a companion, I don't want someone to bow to me, nor do I want to bow to someone. But at this point I'm not sure if I'll ever be fulfilled. That is currently my biggest fear. That my life has damaged my self image so much that I am left incapable of truly being happy. I was subservient to my father, who constantly told me I was less than. I was subservient to Rose, who always made me feel inadequate, and I was subservient to Allysa, who deemed that I wasn't worth the effort. This trifecta has made me feel like a fucking worm and I truly don't even k ow where to begin to undo that damage. So now I'm left trying to figure out how exactly I move forward. Between hating the way I look and hating who I am inside what tools do I use to fix this. Do I eat healthier, go to the gym, strive to succeed at school, look myself in the mirror every day and remind myself that I'm good enough. Or are those just bandaids that don't fix the root of the problem. What do I do to change how I see myself. Does it take a woman to fix Me? Does it take someone caring and patient that will take the time to help me through my problems. Someone that will listen to me and make me feel wanted. Like my ideas and opinions aren't stupid and unjustified? I feel like that would help but I also feel like that's the wrong answer. It shouldn't take another person to fix myself, I should be able to fix myself. Do I seek a counselor and talk through this? Because I feel like they're going to give me daily rituals to do that won't actually help. I am completely fucking lost. So for now I will work on my image and strive to accomplish things that will make me feel good. A better lifestyle, better friends, work on my physique, keep my grades up. I will continue to strive to be better in the hopes that I will eventually see my self as worth something. And hope that eventually I find someone that will make me feel like im worth a damn.