#i need prettier clothing for when i’m regressed :( i used to wear clothes like that allll the time when i was a kid.

[cisfox]

woagh

[let-me-touch-your-soul]

a loveless letter

I’ve been wanting to write you a letter for years now but I just haven’t been able to formulate my thoughts into words and I never knew when would be the perfect time to write. I was waiting for us to end so I can have the whole picture to reflect on but I no longer see an end in sight for us and this letter is probably going to be very messy with no plot at all, so just bare with me for now until I can write a better, more chronological letter. And let me just preface this by saying this is in no way me putting any blame on you, this isn’t me trying to call you out and paint you as the bad guy. This is just my side of our story. 

We met when I was 4 years old, and all you were to me was my friend’s older brother, nothing more nothing less. I don’t know where exactly I crossed the line or you did, but you are no longer just that. You are now someone who stole my innocence and gave me a warped perception of this world and the word ‘love’. There is so much to say but let me try to start from the beginning. 

When we first started talking outside of family functions, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I have no perception of time so I just like to say it all started when I was 12, but I’m pretty sure it was before that. We started talking and at that time you were just some guy I was interested in; it wasn’t even remotely close to a crush yet, I was just hyped about getting some sort of attention from an older guy. Don’t know where the lines blurred but suddenly you were making sexual advances to a little girl, someone who had no idea what some of the words you were saying meant, someone who was just learning about the horrors of the world, someone who was already getting their childhood and innocence stolen from them. 

I just went along with everything you said and wanted because I didn’t want to disappoint you and didn’t want you to stop talking to me. I became obsessed with the attention you were giving me, well my body. As someone who suffered with an altered body image for as long as I can remember, I was basking in the attention you were giving to the physical parts of me, no matter how objectified and dehumanized it made me feel at times. I lied about the number of people who had touched me and about all the experiences I never had, (I was only 12 so how could you even think I had other people touching me in my most intimate places?), just so you wouldn’t think I was as innocent as I was. You made me grow up too early. 

As we kept talking, my heart slowly made its way to the surface and I caught feelings, despite us both discussing it would be ‘no strings attached’. I thought I was the only one with these flutters and I was way too embarrassed to say anything about the way I really felt so I never brought it up, I just went along with everything you said. After all, I was still just a shy little girl who had no idea what she got herself into. But then one night, you told me you loved me. I still remember that moment vividly, as if it happened just yesterday. It was the night before my first day of school (6th grade) and I was charging my phone in my parent’s bedroom, telling you goodnight, and you replied with “goodnight, love you”, and with shaking hands and a heart going a mile a minute I replied with, “goodnight, love you too”, smiling so hard my cheeks started going numb. That was the beginning of the end of me. 

Truth be told, I wasn’t even sure at that time if I really did love you, but I still said it back because I didn’t want to lose you, but after all these years I think I can safely say that somewhere along the line I did fall in love with you, with what exactly I don’t know, but I did love you. But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves, there is so much more left of this story, this is barely the beginning. 

You made me believe you loved me. We texted all day and night, meaningless conversations filled with sexual tension. You were the first boy I showed my body to, the first boy I kissed, the first boy who held me and touched me, the first boy I shed tears for, the first boy I had feelings for and said “I love you” to. 

I remember seeing you with different girls on your snap everyday and remember hearing about you from other girls you were doing the same thing to them as were doing to me, and with every girl I lost a piece of myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t jealous. I knew you weren’t mine, you made that pretty clear from the beginning, and I was never the jealous type. But, I was hurt. I thought I was faulty. I couldn’t blame you, because you made it clear from the beginning that you didn’t want anything exclusive, this was all just fun for you, a passing time, so with no one to blame I blamed myself. All the other girls were much older than me, and prettier, and skinnier, so if I was just prettier and as skinny as them maybe you would show me more attention right? I started changing myself. I ate less and threw up more. I started wearing tighter clothes and starting drinking and smoking, because that would make me more cooler and desirable right? Wrong. You still looked at other girls, and I couldn’t change myself anymore, I was on the brink of losing myself, love. All for you. But you never noticed. You never cared enough to know. 

I remember getting drunk one night and texting you that I loved you but felt as if you didn’t love me. Do you remember that? You replied back in the morning saying you did love me. It was all baseless though. It was very clear you only said that to not be painted as the bad guy, but I still took your word for it and never brought it up again, and neither did you. I think that was the last time the word “love” was uttered between us. Did I ruin it? 

I also can’t help but bring up how all our conversations happened within apps that couldn’t be seen by others unless specifically searched for. After all, who would even believe you were talking to lil ole me. Were you ashamed of me? Embarrassed to be seen talking to me? Well thats exactly what it seemed like. You made it very clear we were to be kept a secret, not a single soul should know you were talking to me. So I kept quiet. Didn’t tell a single soul about the boy who held my heart and crushed it along with my innocence. 

I tried to distance myself from you. I wouldn’t answer your texts, but at times my longing got the best of me and I couldn’t stop myself from responding back to you. We would go months without any contact and every time it was you who would hit me up first and I would lose the battle within me and respond and we would be back to square one, texting as if nothing changed between us. I think I found comfort in that familiarity of knowing exactly what to expect when talking to you. Our dynamic never really changed over the years, did it? I still can’t decide if thats a bad thing or a good thing. 

I tried to move on from you, I really did. But no one, nothing, lasted and I always ended up going back to you one way or another. I tried to fill the hole you left in me with drugs and drinks and boys who also only wanted me for my body. After all, that was all I knew. I didn't know love outside of what I could offer with my body. You taught me I wasn’t anything beyond my body and I never stopped to question it, and sometimes I still regress back to that little girls mind, and I’m still forced to exist in the body I destroyed for you, in the body I still let you use from time to time.

There are times when I think I am completely over you and nothing you do affects me anymore but then you text me again and all the feelings I had for you over the years come rushing back and I feel like I’m 13 all over again falling head over heels in love with you. But honestly, I think I just find comfort in the familiarity of you. We’ve been in this push and pull situationship (what else is there call us?) for I think over 6 years now, and I’ve honestly just come to accept that it probably won’t be a solid ending to this anytime soon. I tried so hard to end it and move and forget about you, but the truth is that I am too weak when it comes to you. Now, I have no idea whatsoever why you keep coming back to me when there are so many other better prospects out there for you and I try not to think too deep into it because I don’t want to create false hope and hurt myself any more than I already have. I gave you all my teenage years, and I am still giving them you. We grew up with each other and these years are just something neither of us can take back and I’ve come to just accept this and try to live with knowing there will never be anything more to us, no matter how hard that acceptance is for me. 

I told myself that going away to college was going to be a fresh new beginning for me and that I would completely cut you off. We all know that didn’t go as planned. I had sex with you for the first time this summer. Did you know that was my first time lol? Yeah I literally have never had anyone touch me like that except for you. I don’t think I can ever come clean about that to you because that’s just too much power in your hands over me with that information. I’m sorry for lying and making you think I was more experienced than I actually was, but I guess now you know why I did it. 

I think for me to be able to fully move I would need to hear your side of everything from you. But I don’t know if I’ll ever get the closure I need directly form you so I guess this is why I’m writing this, as a way to get some type of closure for myself. I never plan on telling you any of this because being vulnerable is just not something I have in me, especially to you, so I guess we both will just be living in the dark about this without any answers for the rest of our lives. 

Sometimes, and I know this sounds hilarious and dumb, I wonder what the future holds for us. I wonder if we met at a different point in our lives, where we were both older and wiser, would we have been able to be more than what we are now, whatever we are now. I’ve held feelings for you inside of me for so long I really don’t think it will ever go away; I’m just going to have to find a way to live with them for the rest of my life. I just want to end this by letting you know that if you ever change your mind about me and us, and want there to actually be an ‘us’ exclusively, I will say yes to you without hesitation. You hold pieces of me I will never get back, pieces I don’t even know if I want back, and I don’t think if I will ever be able to devote myself so someone else with the same intensity I devoted myself to you. I used to be able to see a future with you, and I would like to blame that on my naive, young brain. Thank you for teaching me that not everyone who comes into my life will reciprocate the same feelings as me and that love is only a figment of one’s imagination. I sincerely hope you never feel what I felt and that you find someone who loves you back the same way you love them. I hope you are happy and content with wherever you end up in life, just don’t forget me. :)

[eversage]

I dare you to answer all 170 questions luv youuuu

FUCK YOU I SHALL

1: How tall or short do you wish you were? I wanna be 6'1 
2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not) A FUCKING GRIFFIN, but real talk a hedgehog or a Newfoundland dog will suffice 
3: Do you have a favorite clothing style? Gay witch TM
4: What was your favorite video game growing up? Idkkkk 
5: What three things/people do you think of most each day: Alec, Sky, my art/how stressed I am about my art
6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Oh god this is a meme from forever ago. But uh idk probably "really gay messy artist"
7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]? Bleh 
8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic] fuck if I know?
9: Are you ticklish? Nope
10: Are you allergic to anything? Histamine, go look it up. Now cry for me. Now go look up high histamine food now cry for me. Now go look up how stress, heat, and hormones can all increase histamine in the system. Also dustmightd.
11: What’s your sexuality? Grey-Gay-Asexual-Aromantic 
12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa? I'm basically allergic to all three but cocoa 
13: Are you a cat or dog person? Both
14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson? Merperson
15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber? Dan and Phil
16: How tall are you? 5'8 ish
17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to? Uhhhhh Oliver? I think 
18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] 198 LBS
19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits? yes
20: Do you like space or the ocean more? Yes
21: Are you religious? Yes 
22: Pet peeves? Idk 
23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]? Diurnal
24: Favorite constellation? Ursa Major
25: Favorite star? Idk the sun
26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls? Yes but I'm brokkeeee
27: Any phobias or fears? Fuck idk 
28: Do you think global warming is real? Yes
29: Do you believe in reincarnation? Yes
30: Favorite movie? Fuck if I know? 
31: Do you get scared easily? Nah
32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime? 10
33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]
34: What is a color that calms you? Pastel
35: Where would you like to travel and/or live? Philadelphia? Indiana because babe?
36: Where were you born? Mexico
37: What is your eye color? Brown with rings of blue
38: Introvert or extrovert? I'm so introverted
39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs? Yes
40: Hugs or kisses? Kisses
41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now? Alec
42: Who is someone you love deeply? Alec
43: Any piercings you want? Septum
44: Do you like tattoos and piercings? Yes
45: Do you smoke or have you eiver done so? No
46: Talk about your crush, if you have one! He's a babe, he sleep talks, needs a hair cut and is a fucking idiot but he's mine
47: What is a sound you really hate? Machinery in horror films
48: A sound you really love? Alec's voice
49: Can you do a backflip? Used to 
50: Can you do the splits? Used to 
51: Favorite actor and/or actress? Fuck if I know 
52: Favorite movie? Fuck if I know didn't I already answer this?
53: How are you feeling right now? Headachy but good
54: What color would you like your hair to be right now? Pastel pink 
55: When did you feel happiest? Fuck if I know 
56: Something that calms you down? Age regressing
57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!] hahaha depression, anxiety, ed, passive suicidal tendencies, psychosis, sensory processing disorder, probably some learning issues. Kinda duck if I know.
58: What does your URL mean? My blog is about my voice 
59: What three words describe you the most? Powerful, witch, gay.
60: Do you believe in evolution? No.
61: What makes you unfollow a blog? NSFW, any sort of hate/phobia (like homophobia transphobia and such), being thinspo/Mia/Ana, or anti age regression
62: What makes you follow a blog? Aesthetic, kind, funny
63: Favorite kind of person: idk
64: Favorite animal(s): polar bear 
65: Name three of your favorite blogs. 
66: Favorite emoticon: 🖕🏻
67: Favorite meme: fuck if I know
68: What is your MBTI personality type? Idk 
69: What is your star sign? Taurus
70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog? No
71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most? My Harry otter shirt, red sweater and whatever pants
72: Post a selfie or two?
73: Do you have platform shoes? Nope
74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself? Idk
75: Can you do a front flip? Yes
76: Do you like birds? Yes
77: Do you like to swim? Yes
78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you? Swimming I've sprained my wrist three times skating
79: Something you wish didn’t exist: hate 
80: Some thing you wish did exist: equality
81: Piercings you have? Just my ears 
82: Something you really enjoy doing: art 
83: Favorite person to talk to:
 Alec, Sky, jordan, Kerry 84: What was your first impression of Tumblr? Idk 
85: How many followers do you have? 198
86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes? Idk if I tried probably 
87: Do your socks always match? Pfffttt you think I have the energy to find socks 
88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely? Barely, I have short hamstrings always have
89: What are your birthstones? Emerald
90: If you were an animal, which one would you be? A polar bear probably 
91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be? Idk 
92: A store you hate? Walmart 
93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day? None because caffeine=anxiety 
94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds? Fly
95: Do you like to wear camo? No
96: Winter or summer? Winter
97: How long can you hold your breath for? Idk a whole
98: Least favorite person? Idk trump probably
99: Someone you look up to:
 Sky100: A store you love? Idk blick 
101: Favorite type of shoes, keds probably
102: Where do you live? Oregon 
103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why? Nope can't be 
104: What is your favorite mineral or gem? Uggghhh probably blue goldstone
105: Do you drink milk? Yes but not as much as I'd like because it makes me sick
106: Do you like bugs? Depends 
107: Do you like spiders? Depends 
108: Something you get paranoid about? Idk 
109: Can you draw: yes 
110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked? Iddkkk
111: A question you hate being asked? Idkkkk 
112: Ever been bitten by a spider? Probably 
113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach? Yes 
114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days? Depends
115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now: alec 
116: Favorite cloud type: idk 
117: What color do you wish the sky was? I like it 
118: Do you have freckles? Yes 
119: Favorite thing about a person: idk probably smile and laugh and voice
120: Fruits or vegetables? Fruit
121: Something you want to do right now: see alec 
122: Is the ocean or sky prettier? Idk 
123: Sweet or sour foods? Sour
124: Bright or dim lights? Depends
125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature? Yes 
126: Something you hate about Tumblr: discourse
127: Something you love about Tumblr: community
128: What do you think about the least? What? 
129: What would you want written on your tombstone? Gay and changed the world 
130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now? Sam... 
131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself? My weight
132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures? Yes.
133: Computer or TV? Computer
134: Do you like roller coasters? Fuck yeah
135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness? Vaguely 
136: Are your ears lobed or attached? Lobed
137: Do you believe in karma? Yes 
138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are? I'm like a 95
139: What nicknames do you have/have had? Hayge, hayhay, denden, snow (please don't use that)
140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends? Yes 
141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink? She was shitty 
142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others? Good
143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help? Giving
144: What makes you angry. Not a lot 
145: How many languages do you speak fluently? Sadly one vaguely three
146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries? Boys
147: Are you androgynous? Yeah 
148: Favorite physical thing about yourself: my eyes/smile 
149: Favorite thing about your personality: fucj if I know 
150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person. Alec, ren, Sky, 
151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose? Greece probably 
152: Do you like BuzzFeed? Vaguely 
153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.] got set up! 
154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons? Fuck yeah 
155: Do you like to play with others’ hair? Yes
156: What embarrasses you? Idk 
157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious: being told "I need to talk to you" with no context
158: Biggest lie you have ever told: fuck if i know 
159: How many people are you following? Like 1000
160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)? Idk 
161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)? Idk 
162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)? Idk 
163: Last time you cried and why: uhhh cause I wanna move out 
164: Do you have long or short hair? Short 
165: Longest your hair has ever been: ass length 
166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon? It's a part of who I am 
167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created? Yes 
168: Do you like to wear makeup? Yes
169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? Idk 
170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully? Yeah