#i myself am not actually all that good at this particular virtue

[pseudowho]

Hihiii Haitch!

Okay, first of all, I would like to say that I’m absolutely in love with your writing. The way you write Nanami is just✨✨

And I was on the fence about watching jjk because of the numerous spoilers I had encountered. But all your fics and my lil (read major) crush on nanami finally made me come around to watch it, I’m on s1e6 rn (I’ll just blissfully ignore the teensy detail I know about what happens to nanami and my other fav characters while watching it…hehe😭)

So onwards to my questions :

1) How does writing come to you? Does it feel like that urgent spidey senses tingling moment and the next thing you know your fingers are flying across the keyboard like a woman possessed…or does it feel like this distant feeling, that slowly grows and you let it simmer fully before you formulate it into words?

2) what song or word do you think immaculately describes Mr haitch?

3) Do you derive your real feelings while writing? Like the feelings that you feel in that particular moment, does it affect it somehow? Have you ever written something that has made you feel very exposed in an emotional way?

4) lastly I’ll add a fun fact : Did you know that in India, marriages are taken so seriously and especially arranged marriages, that there is a very well developed legit business solely centered around finding perfect matches for you. So your family essentially contracts an agency that finds matches for you , based on your requirements and it has levels to it.

The families of the to be bride and groom, use the agency as a mediator to contact each other. The agency also runs background checks. You have to pay a yearly subscription fee for it. And if you want to marry your child outside your tax bracket (into a wealthier family to put it bluntly) you can join the premium membership, where you pay double, only to get a chance to get meetings with their high profile clients. (Yes I know how shallow this is…)

Hellooooo! I am so sorry for the pain you will soon endure. Please know that if I could hold your hand through it, I would.

I'm so glad they made a TV series about that weird JJK Bad Timeline AU. It was a great way to explore all of the things that could have happened to the characters we love, but didn't. Really creative. 10/10. So glad they got the Good Timeline in reality.

Both of those actually! My drabbles, especially my husband!Nanami and Papamin drabbles are very much the former. My longer fics that I header, gently form in my head over a number of days, maturing slowly.

Melancholy Hill by Gorillaz: Up on Melancholy Hill/ Sits a manatee/ Just looking out for the day/ When you're close to me/ When you're close to meWell you can't get what you want/ But you can get me/ So let's set out to sea, love/ 'Cause you are my medicine/ When you're close to me/ When you're close to me

AND... Absent by Sylosis:

I'm no saint I've no virtue I wish I could feel that you hurt too But it's so dark I can't tell god from the devil I'm just absent More than ever

I surrender I'm incomplete I've had all I can take So take me in pieces

3. I'm very good at making myself feel exactly how I need to feel, for the purpose of writing. I'm also very good at making other people feel how I need them to feel, good and bad. So I find it easy to recreate emotions in fics. It's freaky and I'm sorry. I also separate myself from that very well, sort of hovering above it as I write it. Nothing that makes me feel exposed would ever be written down on my blog, because that's purely for a couple of select people to witness.

4. I did know this! I've cared for lots of Indian couples having babies, and as such I'm rather well-versed in cultural traditions. I'm always fascinated by peoples' love and marriage stories, so listen with great interest when they share things like this. Thank you for also sharing the information. It sounds cut-throat!

Thank you so much for the wonderful Inbox. I really enjoyed answering it!

Love as always,

-- Haitch xxx

[nohoperadio]

The date for my annual performance review at work has been set for one month from today. The review day itself is not a big source of stress, it's the management's opinion that I'm good at my job, it's a mildly awkward thing to go through but it's very unlikely to "go badly" on the day.

However!

I gotta fill out the paperwork first, which consists of seven pages, each page representing one of the abstract work virtues ("teamwork", "initiative", "customer service" etc), and for each of these I have to write 3+ concrete examples of things I did over the past year that exemplify that virtue, followed by a description of how each thing I did impacted the business, followed by explaining what lesson I took from each thing.

This is a chore that combines several things I hate hate hate and am bad bad bad at:

homework (the paperwork doesn't have to be done at home, you can schedule work time to do it and this is considered fine, but this doesn't work for me at all for reasons we'll get to in a bit), I'm not even good at structuring my free time when the only things I'm trying to fit into my schedule are nice things I enjoy doing, let alone this

bullshitting, the whole thing is premised on an abstract dreamt-up-by-HR model of how people's jobs work that bears so little relation to reality that it's basically impossible to complete the form without a lot of bullshitting. You have to take utterly mundane and routine moments from your job that don't mean anything and write them up in a way that emphasizes how brilliant and special and passionate you are; also because they ask for an absurdly large amount of examples, you find you spend a lot of time and mental effort figuring out how to reword stuff you've already written elsewhere in such a way that it's not too obvious you're repeating yourself. I am extremely averse to bullshitting to an extent that I fully acknowledge is irrational and unhealthy but I don't seem to be able to do much about it: at uni I would occasionally miss deadlines because I couldn't figure out what my actual opinions were about the thing the essay was about, and I couldn't bring myself to just write an essay endorsing a conclusion I wasn't sure about. I hope that doesn't come across as even slightly a boast, there is no virtue there, it's an extremely fucking stupid attitude to have, I knew that at the time but I couldn't seem to change it. And I'm still kind of like that unfortunately, I can write bullshit but it feels horrendous and takes a ton of will power and progress will be comically slow.

expressing positive sentiments about myself, this one's self-explanatory I think

The result of these points is that I find writing these things so emotionally draining that it often takes like literal hours of psyching myself up/calming myself down just to find the right state of mind where I can even get started, and then often that leads to like, two or three bullet points worth of progress and then I'm exhausted. If this sounds dumb to you, well, yeah. That's why I can't realistically do it during work time, what am I gonna do request a whole day's worth of time and then produce like 30 words by the end of it? I'm not doing that. On top of these setbacks resulting from my unfortunate personality, there's also the fact that my particular role is quite different from most people's in the company but I still have to fill out the same standard form as everyone else, e.g. I rarely deal directly with customers so I have to really reach to argue that stuff I'm doing counts as "customer service", there's a lot of that kind of thing.

I'm not sure if I'm really conveying what I find horrible about this very well, but basically it's: 1] a lot of work, which 2] relies on skills I am extremely weak on and 3] aggravates my weird neuroses in various ways, and all the while 4] the whole thing is manifestly pointless and dumb. That's a recipe for aaaaaaaaaaaaa. If this year goes like the previous two years, I'll spend the weeks leading up to it feeling guilty and panicky for a significant portion of every day and doing that thing where I procrastinate the productive task constantly while not being able to really enjoy the things I'm using as procrastination either; I'll make ludicrously small amounts of progress on a handful of good days, but ultimately somehow force my way through most of it all in one go just before the deadline.

Maybe it won't be like that this time. My general being-a-person competence has been improving year on year for the past several, maybe this is the year I only moderately suck at this type of task. I shall let that sentiment have the last word here, not because it's especially plausible but because it feels virtuous to do so.

(I feel like it would be unjust to write this post and fail to say: I like my job. A lot! It's nothing very glamorous, I work in a bookshop and get paid marginally more than minimum wage, but: I find the work satisfying, I virtually never have the "ugh I can't wait till I can go home" feeling, and there's a small number of people there who I like very much and who like me in return. All three of those are things I literally could not conceive of being true of any job before I started here; when I said above that my being-a-person competence has improved the past few years, my job is a huge part of that. I have more positive feelings towards my work than a lot of people ever get to experience and I feel lucky for that. But this one particular aspect of it which comes once a year always kind of ruins my life for the better part of a month and I really wish it didn't exist.)

[more-better-words]

Chapter 9: The Ambassador's Debut, of The Place We Call Home, the fourth and final part of your “Built to Last” series, yet another chapter where I long for some enterprising (pun not intended but now enjoyed) artist to find inspiration therein. I am, of course, always angling for any behind the scenes tidbits you wish to share but now… as we wend our way to the final chapter… I may hold some hope of inspiring more spin-offs. I mean, the meeting between adorable T’Mir and a cute little Andorian child? Pretty appealing, yes? (^_−)−☆

If in your request for art you are referring to Trip and T'Pol's outfits, I did break down and describe them in more detail in Chapter 3 of Home Away From Home (plug plug), but also, there's a whole story behind Trip's suit in particular.

Okay, so in 2018(?), Connor Trinneer was in this terrible, no good, very bad web series that had only two virtues: one, he got to chew the scenery like it was made of taffy, and two, whoever was in charge of wardrobe was doing God's work, because they put him in some spectacular menswear and he wore it all beautifully.

I mean,

Hot damn, right?

So…y'know…hypothetical artists, if this is relevant to your interests in any way… *cough*

(Actually though, I think if I could have any art of Trip and T'Pol in their finery, it'd be of them doting on T'Mir before they leave, because I do love the image of T'Pol holding the baby and Trip playing with her little feet 🥰)

And as for your closing line…*glances about furtively*

I deliberately hadn't put a ton of thought into the Tucker kids' futures because I didn't want to lock myself into anything, but I have had this scrap of conversation between grownup T'Mir and Spock rattling around in my head with no place to go. In it, she's telling Spock more about her brothers and herself, telling him that Lorian is married to a human, and Jonathan to a Vulcan.

"What about yourself?" he asks.

She smiles and says, "My own wife is Andorian."

………

*whispers*

I think T'Mir and Talla are married 😳

[dm-clockwork-dragon]

Another Unpopular Opinion

I was asked to delete my earlier reblog by the OP, so they didn’t get sucked into discourse, so I’m reposing this as it’s own thing Well, here I go publicly stating another opinion that will probably get me cancelled. To be entirely fair, I’m sort of beyond caring at this point?

I think people need to calm their fucking tits - homegrown, surgical, or happily removed - over not just this game, but about HP stuff in general.

I’m a recently hatched egg, but I’ve considered myself non-binary for almost 15 years, and been an ally for as long as I knew what an ally was. I also have no particular love for the franchise, despite enjoying it a lot when I was a kid. That’s not virtue signally, or an attempt to defend my position - just letting you all know a little context, and that I do actually have a horse in this race.

I get it, I really do. JK is a fucking terrible person, and should burn in a thousand multicolored hells for the bullshit she spews and the hate she engenders in others. On top of that, she’s a shitty writer, to the point where she accidentally created an entire wizarding world where the difference between the good guys and the bad guys is just what flavor of Nazi you want to choose. But there’s a couple reasons I think that people really need to try and separate her from the franchise that she started.

1. Death of the Author.

This is the one that everyone else gives. It’s possible to enjoy, appreciate, or interpret a creative work in absence of it’s author or their intent. We do it with music, we do it with painting. and Like OP here points out: if we were to burn every book written by a problematic author, we would leave glaring wholes not just in our understanding of our own history and society, but in our understanding of how to avoid the same injustices and suffering caused by those authors. Dead or alive, the author’s right and control over who others interpret their work the moment they share it with the outside world.

2. You guys don’t know how JK makes money, do you?

I see all kinds of arguments out there about how engaging with, or - dare I even mention - paying for HP content is somehow a crime against transfolk because it directly supports a raging TERF and her platform. It doesn’t. Aside from the argument that JK makes all her money through investments and stock market trades - just like any rich person - She also DOESN’T OWN THE FRANCHISE. She retains intellectual property rights: AKA, she can write new books or shit if she likes (we have seen how that goes for her), and she is still treated as the primary source, but the IP and all production rights are owned by Warner Bros. JK doesn’t make a dime off of game, movies, or anything else that WB license or produce based on THEIR franchise. She already made her money by selling the franchise to them years ago. Honestly, she probably got the raw end of the deal at this point. At most, she might get some meager royalties that are eaten up entirely by the cost of paying someone to process them. That’s how publishing contracts and movie deals work - they are a fucking racket.  3. HP isn’t just something some people can throw away.

Like I said above, I sorta grew out of my HP phase, long before any of the issue of JK being a TERF ever came up. And I know that a lot of people who considered themselves fans have also willingly distanced themselves from the franchise in light of her shitty views and actions. But not everyone has that ability. To give you a different example: I grew up reading the Dune books. I finished the core series for the first time when I was 8, and have re-read the entire extended series more than a dozen times since then. It’s more than just my favorite book series, it’s a formative part of who I am as a person. So much of my beliefs and identity as a person have been informed or inspired by those books that I would argue it is impossible to truly understand myself without them. Hell - I’d argue the entire reason I started explore my gender and sexuality in the first place is because of the emphasis those books placed on the “Quisach Haderach” as the perfect fusion of male and female. Even if I were to verbally disavow the series for some reason, those books still define who I am today, and It would be physically impossible for me to separate myself from them Harry Potter is the same way for a lot of people. I think some of us loose sight of just how meaningful those books are to a generation. Not all of us - even within that generation - had the same connection, but for a lot of people who grew up reading them from the time they could turn a page, those books are just as formative and intrinsic to who they are as Dune is to me. they couldn’t separate themselves, even if they wanted to. And pissing all over someone for something they can’t change about themselves is exactly the sort of thing we are supposed to be fighting against! Same can be said of the bible, the Torah, the Quran or any other work that was meaningful and formative to a persons cultural upbringing. Even within the trans community, there are countless Christians, Jews, and Islamic followers. They make the faith their own, because it is an intrinsic and immutable part of who they are. If you are going to condemn Trans or Allies who can’t separate themselves form HP, then you are also condemning any Ally or Transperson who still practices or believes in some form of the religion the grew up with.  4. If we can reclaim slurs, we can reclaim this! I see so many of the same people who rail against HP, also writing or relogging posts about how important it is to reclaim slurs and other labels that have been historically used against us, and I agree. But that shit goes a lot further than just the names we have been called. Reclaiming something from those who would hurt you with it is like picking up the rock that was thrown at you, and saying “neat, this is mine now, you cant have it back”, as opposed to just kicking it back to the abuser so they can hurl it at you again. JK is a terrible person. which is all the more reason that we have a responsibility to take this beloved franchise away from her. She doesn’t deserve it, and as long as it remains in her power, she can continue to use it as a platform to hurt people. And this isn’t without precedent: Look at Butch Hartman, or Joss Wheaton, or Notch, or Gary Gygax. We have a history and a present filled with examples of taking beloved content away from shitty people a deciding “this is ours now, you can’t have it back.” We take those things that were or are important to us, and reframe them, re-write them, or reimagine them into something positive and supportive.  As an author myself, I know quite well how painful it can be to see your work taken away from you, and transformed by people who don’t share your vision. So lets hurt JK where it counts! Not in the wallet, not by railing against her on social media, but by taking away the one meaningful thing she has ever created in her miserable life. Because she doesn’t fucking deserve it.

[turtlemagnum]

my politics:

i don't like to ascribe political labels to myself because people hear a specific label and insert what they think it means and just sorta ignore whatever you actually have to say/believe. so here i'm just gonna describe my positions on various things not as a comprehensive explanation but as a rough rule of thumb. so, here we go:

im queer, and almost all of my friends are too. most of my friends are trans, i've spent a lot of time lurking in trans spaces, and frankly i believe that people should be treated like people so trans rights are deeply important to me. i wouldn't consider myself trans but i am nonbinary, and if you're someone who considers nb people to be trans i'm not gonna contradict you. i also consider intersex folks to be an important part of the queer community, and feel as though they're vastly underrepresented and frankly deserve more respect as people and not as a "gotcha" against gender essentialist shitheads, y'know. i realize it's very easy to say i'm supportive of a particular group and a lot of bigoted dickshitters claim the best of intentions, so i can just hope that spelling out my intent and trying to keep my actions inline with it is enough.

i abhor bigotry of all varieties, and of course a particularly important facet of that is racism and related issues like colonialism. i'm whiter than most literal crackers, but i'd like to think that growing up in the part of the US with the highest population of black folks outside of the deep south and having an indigenous uncle whose heritage i was always taught to respect gave me a bit of a head start on having good opinions in regards to racism. i actually have a lifelong interest in indigenous cultures the world over, which goes nicely with a lifelong interest in theology and linguistics. i distinctly remember reading some ainu poetry and crying, if that tells you anything

i'd consider myself to have very strong opinions in regards to freedom. not in the typical american borderline masturbatory insistence for a love for "freedom" that amounts to authoritarianism attempting to pass itself off as freedom. i'd like the freedom to live your life the way you want to, without having to live under the heel of a boss or a landlord. i'd like the freedom to live without constant surveillance or threat of police violence. the freedom to choose what's right for your body without having to crawl through a bureaucratic hellscape just to live as you need to.

in general i try to have a relatively chill policy of "live and let live". you may have noticed that i basically never reblog things and literally never talk about public drama that i might become involved in just by virtue of posting about it. internet drama is bullshit and is pretty much never justified, and is usually just about harassing someone (who, just coincidentally, usually happens to be a minority for whatever reason). if someone has an identity that doesn't make sense to me or a kink i think is gross or an interest i find cringe, i just go "ok" and move on with my life because it doesn't impact my life in the slightest. it's literally so simple to not give a shit about internet strangers, and also strangers in real life

[veliseraptor]

the thing about critiques of "self-care" and such as too individualistic and selfish is that. okay. the problem I have is that I:

do not like myself very much

have very high standards and expectations for myself

am not very good at slowing down or resting

so it's been a project of mine for the last few years in a very genuine way to, like, ~get better at self-care~ - letting myself off the hook sometimes, giving myself nice things, generally doing nice stuff for me, as an individual.

another thing about me is:

I have a lot of meta-emotions. which is to say, I do a lot of thinking about what I'm feeling and then having very strong opinions/judgments about what I'm feeling and then having opinions/judgments about what I'm thinking about what I'm feeling.

so what happens to me when I read stuff about how this concept is used in selfish ways that don't consider the needs and feelings of other people looks approximately like this:

see? you were right. you, personally, are bad and self-centered for even thinking about this stuff and you were right the first time. working all the time and denying your own needs is a virtue, actually.

this isn't about you, lise, this is an opinion about a cultural trend that is not specifically applicable to your particular situation

wow look at how self-centered and arrogant you are thinking everything's about you, incredible, why are you like this anyway, this is why you don't deserve nice things

okay!!! put on the brakes there, that isn't the point, the point is that it's okay to ~practice self-care~ in moderation and inasmuch as it makes you function in society

oh, because you're only worth as much as your function to others? (simultaneously: NO! and EXACTLY!)

you're getting really hung up on this. maybe it would be good to stop obsessing so much about one article you saw online.

yeah, it would be good! why aren't you doing that! dumb bitch. come on. what's your problem anyway

and so it goes. for a while. how many layers of metafeeling can we go? i'm not sure there is a limit actually

anyway. sometimes you see one thing and it sends you on a whole journey, and, like, simultaneous to that you recognize that this is entirely out of proportion, but then also get mad at yourself for making such a big deal about something pretty stupid, and also get mad at yourself for being wrong and bad.

i'm going to get myself some ice cream and leaving the internet for a couple hours

[waheelawhisperer]

Top 5 designs from your formative years that defined your tastes

Bearing in mind that my formative years include a range that spans from "the moment I was old enough to understand concepts more complex than hunger and crying" to "the moment I started writing this post" and that a lot of designs have influenced my tastes over the years, here you go:

Goku and Vegeta, Dragon Ball Z

As a Latino I am quite literally obligated by law to put Goku and Vegeta on this list, but I was also huge into Dragon Ball Z as a kid and I actually think that show is what awakened the love of martial arts within me that still persists today. Toriyama's aesthetic is incredibly distinctive and had a great deal of influence over my initial forays into art and character design when I was much younger. These guys end up at #1 because DBZ has done so, so much to build my perception of combat and fight scenes and scale and and just sort of how a series should work that, like... I can't imagine myself getting into anime at all if I hadn't watched this show. Given how much of my taste is drawn from anime (although there's quite a bit coming from western media as well), my personal preferences would've taken a much different trajectory in that scenario.

Jotaro Kujo, Jojo's Bizarre Adventure

I don't think any character has influenced my tastes in the modern era more than Jotaro, to be honest. He's one of the reasons many of my characters wear a hat/long coat combo and why the men in particular tend to be tall, buff, and stoic and have deep voices. He also influenced my appreciation of cool poses and characters that just beat the shit out of people with their mighty fists, as well as intelligent and analytical heroes at a time when I was used to seeing heroes just be stronger or grittier or more determined than their foes.

Samus Aran, Metroid/Super Smash Bros.

I'm pretty sure that Zero Suit Samus was the start of my irresistible desire for tall badass blonde ladies with big boobs. I have a type because of her. Let's just leave it at that.

Charizard, Pokemon

I think dragons are super cool and Charizard is a big part of why. Kid me loved Pokemon, a love which extended into adulthood, and Charizard was my favorite for a very long time. I'm pretty sure he's also where my fascination with fire powers came from. Also, the narratives around Ash's Charizard's fights in the anime did a lot to shape my perception of storytelling in combat.

The Good Hunter, Bloodborne

The other reason a lot of my characters have hats and long coats and are very gruff and stoic. Bloodborne is arguably my favorite game I've ever played and had a huge influence on my tastes and aesthetic. I particularly loved the Gothic Horror aspects of it (never been as big on Cosmic Horror tbh) and it really reignited my love for big brutal weapons that just fuck enemies up. It's also the reason the ocean is fucked up and awful in many of my original settings.

Honorable Mentions:

So fucking many not gonna lie but I'll just list a few. Funnily enough, a lot of my western influences actually come from books more so than TV/movies.

Jackie Chan - DBZ started my love for martial arts, but watching a bunch of Jackie Chan movies when I was younger grounded that aspect of my taste in something a bit more realistic than aliens who could fly throwing around energy blasts and leveling mountain ranges.

Godzilla - This is how I learned I love watching giant monsters fight. Monsterverse Godzilla has had a lot of influence on my tastes recently because I love the way he fights and the way the people making the Monsterverse movies drew from real fights between animals to build his fighting style.

I had a huge crush on Cynthia Pokemon as a kid but I had to pick between her and Samus and Samus won by virtue of timing.

Brutaka from Bionicle is cool as shit.

Yang Xiao Long from RWBY and Nearl from Arknights did not build my tastes so much as reinforce them. Hard.

Arknights in general has been one of the big influences on my original work not gonna lie.

MCU's Iron Man, Halo's Master Chief, and the Marines from StarCraft all helped codify my ideas of what powered armor should look like.

Esdeath from Akame ga Kill heavily reinforced my desire to be femdommed despite most of the rest of that series being steaming dogshit

King Arthur - I read so voraciously and from such an early age that my family couldn't keep age-appropriate books stocked faster than I could read them, so at some point my dad said "fuck it" and handed a collection of Arthurian Cycle stories written for adults to an eight-year-old and I have loved chivalric romance and knights in shining armor ever since.

There's so much more but I don't think I can possibly list them all

Thanks for sending me this. Everyone please ask more, I had a lot of fun answering the ones I've gotten so far

[2n2n]

rapidfur

Hanako and tsukasa got me started on an uncontrollable twin/general incest craze and i have not recovered since 😔🤙 magnetic quality... (i wouldn't have guessed you didnt like twincest yaoi much!!! Considering how many of your posts are about it!!!! Very amusing)

ooohh AidaIro your stupid boys are just so captivating..... you did it you’re converting people to twincest with their beautiful love.

oooooo what am i supposed to freaking do..... 

and HONESTLY!! I wouldn’t even call myself categorically an incest fan (more like, if a dynamic is GOOD I won’t shy from it just ‘cuz of relation.... love is love lol... but I don’t really read/get into things with the intention of pursuing it, and on its own its not so exciting) as well, and when I do I tend to have more of a taste for older sister/younger brother (well, I’m older than my husband lol).... even with HanaNene like, I love that AidaIro refer to her as Onene-san lol; Hanako for things like the handshake event specifically goads for Onee-san attention. Its sf funny he has a taste for older women.....  an Amane charm point..... something about having a thing for older girls, and little brother, makes him the funniest person in the universe

...... but I do like Chasriel and Sunny/Mari, so, you know. Its not so rare. Just not what I seek out, and def not what I went into JSHK for.... 

ANYWAY!! I think the twins kindof were what forced me to get to posting here at all anyway, ‘cuz I suddenly felt like “ohhh my god NOBODY ((eng)) understands the Yugi twins actually, or what love is in this manga, HELP, I NEED TO POST!!! IF I DON’T WHO WILL” .... HanaNene is lovely but it also has plenty of ‘good press’ shall we say, I didn’t feel a particular need to write essays about its virtues... but I MUST be the avatar for Yugi8....

since getting in2 them I do just whimsically draw/design more twin-things and think in twin-terms.... poison.... poison in us

[youredoingkinwrong]

So, um, three quick questions:

First off, is it normal to want to go by or change your name to the same name as one of your kintypes, or at the very least a similar name?

Second, is feeling massive amounts of kin euphoria whenever you refer to yourself by that name normal too? Or is it abnormal?

Third and finally: is it, well, particularly weird to identify as a My Little Pony character in this kind of way? I mean, I know I *am* her, and so in that case it’s not *that* weird, but at the same time the logical and anxious parts of my brain are really churning around in thought and constant self-doubt, despite the fact that, well, I have literally identified as her for longer than I have any other character (since way before I knew what Fictionkin was, actually). And I also know that all sorts of kintypes can come from all sorts of sources (there are people who have kintypes of the *cookies* from *Cookie Run* for goodness’ sakes), and there are a decent amount of people with MLP kintypes, but at the same time for me it feels like I should hold myself to a different standard even though I’ve recently realised that I can just allow myself to be something if I want (that something in particular being a pony from MLP, even if when you get down to the nitty gritty I also identify as a character from the series in addition to identifying as a pony).

Thaaaat last question kinda got out of hand, but still! I know I shouldn’t be seeking external validation particularly regularly (and, well, I’ve mostly come to peace with *being* my kintype and also being a pony, even if it sometimes feels a bit weird) but I feel like I need tangible stories from others rather than just an inherent knowledge, which, let’s just say can mean my questioning can get to annoying levels sometimes. I hope I didn’t go over the top here…

Hi anon,

First: I think it's perfectly normal to want to change your name to your kintype's name. After all, I go by Luke on this blog and in most kin spaces, and in my real life I've definitely considered changing my legal name to Luke quite often. I'm still currently on the fence about it but it's something deep down I really love being called. So at least between you and me, it's totally normal. After all, look at how many 'kin go by their kintype names around here - there's something special about being acknowledged as that character just by virtue of being called.

Second: I once again think that's fairly normal, especially for a new or particularly strong shift. I wouldn't feel much right now if someone referred to me as Apollo, but it would still feel nice. When people call me Luke it feels right, and it always has.

Third: There's nothing wrong with feeling this way about an MLP kintype. Our kintypes aren't something we can choose, and we certainly can't choose how we feel about them. Luke is my oldest fictional kintype (not including the fact that I've been otherkin since I was little lol), and he's the one I constantly feel the strongest connection to. I didn't exactly decide it was going to be him, but it's him all the same. We have no control over these things, so frankly as long as it's not hurting anyone then you should feel free to embrace your identity.

[tomorrowmustburn]

Personal responsibility

Author’s note: This is very stream of consciousness, very argument with myself. I do think every step of the way is interesting, and needed to be there at least for me, but it is not exactly “A+ for coherency and structure” stuff.

Ayn Rand’s philosophy of Objectivism made the rounds as an object of discussion when, I wanna say, I was in my late teens. It’s always stuck with me as an interesting intellectual object because while it seems to essentially be a weird capitalist misreading of Nietzsche, I have always felt like there is something there. Now, I should be clear: I’m not aligned with the psychos who think receiving help makes people weak, nor do I subscribe to any great man theory of history. However, if you really squint, I think you can make out the outline of an answer to some thorny moral problems.

‘The Golden Rule’ is baby’s first good go at moral reasoning. Not quite treating others well because of their own inherent value, but an attempt at explaining empathy to a child, or perhaps an appeal to reciprocity to a grumpy adult. The maybe next step is of course actually seeing others as possessing innate value and dignity – let’s call it universalism. It offers both solutions and new problems: On the one hand, there is the fairly necessary recognition that people might be different, but on the other hand, it inherits the troubles of navigating that difference. A lot of moral problems revolve around navigating this conundrum of respecting and affording each other’s value and dignity.

But, axiomatically granting value and dignity to most solves more problems than just difference. It also sets a higher baseline than the golden rule, best exemplified by the old philosophy of “I had to suffer, so todays kids should too”, or “being beaten wasn’t bad for me and actually builds character”. You could argue that the golden rule can be wielded against these well enough, but to say that people end up accepting and justifying bad situations they are or were in is not a stretch. It runs the risk of being patronizing, but sometimes it is simply correct.

I think this marks perhaps a great hidden innovation of universalism as moral principle: If everyone has value and deserves dignity, that includes you. In this particular regard, Universalism is nearly all benefit, no drawback, because the golden rule does not make any case about self worth, it simply takes it as assumed. But more than that, this is where universalism creates the fewest new problems. There are far fewer hurdles between affording value to oneself and acting on it than there are between affording it to others and acting on it. And while self knowledge has its limits too, it has fewer limits than knowledge of others.

If we extrapolate from this fundamental imbalance, we arrive at some virtue of selfishness by way of universalism. It doesn’t stem from any great man theory or disdain for others, but from pragmatism and necessity: People should look out for themselves because they deserve good treatment, and because they are in the best position to give it. Bracketing more political /  revolutionary / human rights readings and implications, I am interested in (to paraphrase Scanlon) what we owe to ourselves. How do we act when we owe ourselves dignity? How do we act in accordance with our value as human beings? How do we give ourselves the recognition and respect only we can offer?

While there is a chance for this to go wrong by way of veering into bootstrappy ideology, crass commercialism or something of the like, or something else equally distasteful, ignoring outside influences on personal success on wellbeing and telling people to blame themselves is not a novel way to be stupid. After all, I am arguing that these ideas are implied by universalism, and perhaps a good way to stand against their natural limitations is to argue that everyone deserves to be empowered to take care of themselves.

No, the truly pernicious way to read this is about guilt and failing oneself. If you have a great responsibility to yourself because you are in the best position to care for yourself, it is natural to feel guilty when you fall short. Few things instill guilt more than failing to deliver on your responsibilities, I would say. But at the same time, we do it all the time. We fail to live up to our own expectations, our standards, our dreams, we fail our current selves, our past selves, and our future selves. Failure is not so much par for the course as it is the course, and moreso, we tend to focus on it.

But the point is not to find new and exciting ways to feel bad about and angry at yourself. That would truly be the most pernicious conceivable way for my plea to extend universalist value and dignity to ourselves to play out. No, we need to consult another pragmatist school of reasoning. Where pragmatist universalism tells us about the great head start we have in knowing how to recognize value and work on the dignity of ourselves, pragmatist justice should be our guide for exercising that value of dignity. First things first: we can never truly abdicate the responsibility we have toward ourselves, and we can never stop failing it. No concept of justice which treats infraction as aberrant or deserving of stigma will be helpful.

What we need is a logic of rehabilitation and restoration. Rehabilitative justice concepts forego metaphysical weighing of punishment and crime, and instead focus on making offenders more functioning members of society, and similarly restorative justice concepts focus on accountability and restoration of damage done as far as possible. And if we are to hold ourselves responsible for the impact of our actions of ourselves, we are bound to a relationship so lasting and cyclical that no approach other than one which puts doing better the next go around first, be it through restoration, reflection, accountability, as well as forgiveness where necessary and caution with finding fault where none is.

Furthermore, no man is an island and justice and accountability are worth little without a community to situate them. This is another aspect where a pernicious road lurks: Holding people responsible for moral crimes against themselves seems more than anything like the domain of inquisitors and conversion therapists. Indeed, anyone’s responsibilities to themselves should absolutely never be wielded by any outside party, but inviting others to offer perspective and help in maintaining accountability should be good uses of one’s community.

This is where, structurally, a conclusion should be. But the truth is, I stand unconvinced by myself. I started playing with these ideas a couple of months ago, or perhaps years upon years ago. The “objectivism has a point if you squint” thread is, ironically, the one I’m prouder of, and I haven’t genuinely formulated it with as much substance as I’d like.

The long and short of it is this. You are, as elaborated, in the best position to look after yourself, so you’re if nothing else the first instance for, well, doing that. It doesn’t just have to be dour moral duties either. Just, making sure you have a good time and are taken care of. Sometimes you stumble, and if things go right others will help, but you are the first instance.

Secondly, the weird angle of the best thing you can do for others is succeeding and putting yourself first. Take away the weird Randian vocabulary of selfishness here, and translate it into a wholesome inspiration post style. Let’s say “By becoming the best you you can be, you’re giving the world the greatest gift you can give”. Because, let’s face it, the best you you can be probably isn’t a mad men guy sitting on a golden throne in the penthouse of a skyscraper, it’s someone who is part of a community, someone who gives of themselves generously and is received gladly, and appreciated greatly. We are social and communal creatures to a fault, and it takes a truly monstrous, perverse outlook to envision a best self which stands apart and insular. Virtue in selfishness, as I see it, is working on the part of a community that you know best; yourself, and making the whole better for it. I know it’s an aggressively charitable misreading of Rand, but there is something enchanting and affirming about seeing yourself as a gift to the world, but I hold it true and dear.

Having formulated that better on the second go, it now reads like an odd companion to the dour moralist take on applying universalism to yourself. They are odd companions, but I think they need to be together, and they complement each other well. However, I have to confess that, while I believe both intellectually, my heart’s not entirely in it. I’ve just crossed two years of unemployment, turned down a job offer very early on because I thought I’d earned a break after my degree, and haven’t had any since. I thought I’d just really enjoy my time off, but I’ve done less than I’d like with it, and especially now that it’s no longer voluntary, I’m not even wasting time in a pleasurable way. The biggest positive changes for me weren’t about thinking about my responsibility to myself, but about adjusting my environment, cancelling a course I wasn’t doing much for or getting much from but always feeling bad about, and nuking my ability to idly watch Youtube with a vengeance (First throwing it off the TV, then a browser extension that blocks any and all Youtube recommendations on the PC).

While I’m trying for a good faith take on personal responsibility philosophy, it clashes with the experience of the last year. I haven’t been negligent, I’ve applied for jobs gruelingly and extensively. But if I take from that that I’m just in an unlucky spot and I need to keep trying, I’m fucking up too, because there probably is something bad about my approach (I’m going back to uni for language qualifications that should really help now), and the first and foremost person who’s affected by how well I manage the shitshow is me. Personal responsibilities, like the ones I have toward myself right now aren’t any grand moral duties, but primarily about mitigating the ways systems are failing me. It’s the dumping ground for the debris of disassembling social contracts and relations. I don’t think a philosophy of personal responsibility should really care about making sure people don’t drive themselves mad over things they can’t control, or blame themselves or each other for them. These are stupid questions for babies.

Personal responsibility is a great thing. Thinking about how you can act responsibly toward yourself, and others, are important questions. But consider the spider man quote. With great power, comes great responsibility. It’s true, it’s self-evident, it’s common sense. But to act responsibly, you need the power to act at all. And any question of personal responsibility which does not begin by asking how you gain enough control over your life to be responsible for anything beyond how you react to what happens to you has missed the point entirely.

[capacity-for-wonder]

I’ve been thinking a lot about this concept I’ve been calling Fake Virtues- qualities that I receive a lot of praise for but that don’t actually have any kind of moral value (by moral value I don’t mean any kind of the puritanical bs I mean just like, a positive impact on others/the world). I’ve been making an effort to like, keep reminding myself that these things aren’t bad but they are not Capital G Good either.

So example Fake Virtues that I have:

The first is Having Good Taste (like for clothing or home decor, even sometimes being discerning about restaurants or activities). This is entirely about an aesthetic sense and divorced from any deep artistic appreciation which I do think holds moral value).

The second is a kind of Organizational Hyper Competency- this is the type A planner in me, I’ll make the plans, I’ll coordinate social events, I’ll try to get everyone to show up on time, I’ll book the vacation, I’ll make the reservation, I’ll plan the birthday party etc. etc. this is a quality that I didn’t really have growing up and has for some reason developed in spades in my early adulthood.

So this has been especially prevalent these last few months as I have been wedding planning and brushing up against all sorts of Feelings regarding this process, and what I have realized with regard to these particular Fake Virtues I possess is that what I am really being praised for is a Successful Performance Of My Gender- as in, these are qualities that don’t hold true moral value, but their value is derived from how essential they are to the performance of Womanhood, specifically Domestic Womanhood.

And like, I’m very comfortable with my gender, always have been, and marriage for me has never been associated with any particularly stringent gender roles as my parents marriage was Not Like That, but I’m understanding more and more why many folks steadfastly resist the institution of marriage (even as I am still quite excited to be married). Like the thing is, it’s not even about a specific feminist resistance to domestic oppression (even though, yes, fuck that thank you), it’s more about the specific contrast of me coming to view gender very differently at this stage of my life, as like a beautiful and expansive part of identity, and simultaneously the feeling of being backed into this corner of really regressive heteronormative thinking, which is just really the water you swim in when planning a Large Christian Wedding. It gives me the feeling of “I want to break something, but I don’t know what.” Feels very teenage, this instinct towards rebellion, even though I was not even a particularly rebellious teenager at all!

Anyway, when I say I wish I was eloping, I mean both “Christ, big weddings are expensive” and also everything I just said above.

[moonlit-tulip]

The Virtue of Execution

Within local sectors of culturespace, it's traditional for people pursuing creative projects—writers, programmers, musicians, and so forth—to heavily prioritize originality, uniqueness, and other such things, when pursuing their craft. To try to stick out from the crowd on the basis of, in some fashion, making a different sort of content from the rest of the crowd.

This is, as far as it goes, a good and valuable thing for people to do. More exploration of contentspace leads to more chances that a particular person's idiosyncratic tastes will happen to be perfectly hit upon. But it's just that: exploration. It's a way of finding new and interesting sectors of contentspace; it's not a way of producing maximally good content within those sectors.

So, yes, originality is something to celebrate. But equally valuable, and far less celebrated, is execution. The creation of works, not necessarily original, which stick out from the crowd by being good rather than just by being new. Which polish all the pieces already floating around the memespace, and present them in a prettified and optimized form rather than in minimum-viable-product form.

Consider, by way of example:

Fallout 3 was the game which defined the broad shape of How 3D Fallout Works. But it was Fallout: New Vegas, not Fallout 3, which ended up as the widely-regarded best of the 3D Fallout games and the most enduring classic among them, having imported most of Fallout 3's mechanics but combined it with substantially better writing and more interesting world-design. (This now-common opinion, I'll note, stands in contrast with reviewer consensus upon release, under which New Vegas's mechanical similarity to Fallout 3 was treated as reason to give it lower scores than Fallout 3 got.)

Also on the video game front, see the various games which sit solidly within their genres, which aren't known for being particularly mechanically or narratively innovative, but which execute their mechanics well, have pretty visuals and pretty music, are well-written, and in general are exceptionally good implementations of their genres. Celeste, among precision platformers; Hollow Knight, among metroidvanias; Divinity: Original Sin 2, among talky isometric RPGs; et cetera.

Gwern has written previously about the surprisingly-large increase in how many positive comments his website got, once he'd put sufficient effort into improving its design above and beyond the design standards of most of the internet. I myself have noticed that, since his various design upgrades, I've become far more prone to reading his website than I used to be.

DM of the Rings created the campaign comic genre, but it's Darths & Droids which seems to have come out as the enduring classic of that genre, the shining example whose standard of quality other comics try to live up to.

There are lots and lots of artists on the internet who are clearly pursuing very similar styles in their art (e.g. the crop of Standard-Issue Concept Artists, the crop of Standard-Issue Anime Character Fanartists, et cetera), but who have substantial gaps between one another in terms of how good they are at that art, in terms of quality of lineart and shading and lighting and so forth. These people don't tend to be particularly original; but many of them are very good.

...et cetera.

The virtue I'm gesturing at here is a very different virtue from the virtue of originality. It's a virtue seen, not in discrete flashes of brilliance, but in the slow iterative process of taking a good-enough product and polishing it until it shines.

(And, if one does that enough, then eventually one will become practiced enough with it that even one's first passes will look pretty shiny. A skilled artist's ten-minute sketches are likely to look better than the best art I know how to make even given hours of time-investment. But nonetheless that artist's ten-minute sketches are likely to be substantially inferior to what the same artist can do over the course of many hours of their own.)

I call this virtue execution, for lack of a better name. It's not a virtue I see celebrated nearly as often as originality; but it's an important one nonetheless, one worth celebrating.

[northern-passage]

Love your writing! I’ve played a few IFs and very few of them stand out in terms of quality: A compelling plot, three dimensional characters, an enjoyable MC, and relevant player choices. Yours is one of them!

Do you have any favorite IFs?

thank you so much!!

since i've started writing, i haven't really been reading IFs like i used to, and there are a lot of newer games that i haven't had the chance to play, and others that i've not had the time to catch up on. but here are some of my favorites, in no particular order:

god of the red mountain by @friendlybowlofsoup - i love this game so much. there is a lot of replayability here and i love the setting & the huge cast of characters. i could go on and on but honestly just go play it if you haven't!

diaspora by @diasporatheblog - another game with a lot of replayability and a lot of really interesting characters. the opening of this game has always stuck with me. also the game design itself is something i aspire to with tnp.

virtue's end (18+) by @crimsiswrites - my fellow monster hunter... another game where i really love the setting, and the worldbuilding with helvlings and their keepers. currently undergoing a rewrite, & i recommend checking out all the info on the blog before playing through the old demo.

project hadea (18+) by @nyehilismwriting - every time i read this game i get an uncontrollable urge to write sci-fi and watch alien. writing is very compelling and i love the alien designs, refreshing to actually see something... alien!!

scout: an apocalypse story by @anya-dev - i am behind on updates (sorry fake fan) but i love scout so much, one of the few games where i really love all of the companions, also we all know i am weak for friends to lovers.... i also really love apocalypse stories that feel... hopeful? and that are about community, rather than individual survival.

crosshollow foundations by @townofcrosshollow - i love the character creation in this one, and i love being an "observer" and guiding the characters in their choices. i've linked crosshollow's itch.io page here because jasper has a few other games that revolve around the universe of crosshollow.

snakeroot & walk with me by @cerberus-writes - cer has such a beautiful way with words... he knows this i scream about his writing all the time & i can't recommend them enough. snakeroot is a modern horror fantasy, another fellow monster hunter! walk with me is a bit different, with bitsy gameplay, where you take a walk and have a conversation with a god.

a tale of crowns (16+) by @ataleofcrowns - another game i am unfortunately not up to date on (i’m so sorry) but i did stay up super late reading the first three or four chapters all at once! a really great fantasy game with a refreshing setting and a really great cast of characters. also love the attention to detail and the small touches that go into personalizing the crown.

body count (18+) by @bodycountgame - oh this game is so fun, fun writing, fun characters, a fun premise! this is actually my favorite kind of modern horror, where a group of fun young adults are off to have a cute adventure or something but then... something terrible happens! murder! maybe an unexpected twist or two! also i love bad reality television so like... truly it’s perfect.

a limber love by @copperspines - ohh i love this game, i’ve played through for all seven endings and i just love speculative horror fiction like this. good atmosphere and i love the illustrations.

the spirited: origins by @yuveim - my other favorite kind of modern horror: ghost hunting!!! really good horror writing in this, and i’m excited to see how the relationships between all the characters unfold going forward, and how exactly we’re going to deal with the whole demon thing...

the exile (18+) by @exilethegame - another game where i really like the character customization and the worldbuilding, and no one should be surprised i like playing characters like the commander. this game has a lot of replayability and lots of secrets to uncover.

blood moon (18+) by @barbwritesstuff - werewolves, ghosts, and vampires, oh my! updates when the moon is full (yes i am behind on this one barb writes so fast it’s insane). a great cast, lots of choices and branching and replayability. werewolves are the superior supernatural love interest and i will die on this hill.

the goodfellows & creature’s cradle by @thecuriouseye - the goodfellows is so interesting, again the worldbuilding and lore in this one is just chef’s kiss!! dark fantasy with giant monsters and heavy consequences. creature’s cradle is a supernatural post-apocalyptic story with zombies, vampires, werewolves, and more. the current demo is short and sweet but i’m excited for more.

boundary pass by @boundarypass-if - as someone who has worked as both a park ranger and a forest ranger, this game really gets me. i love the kind of horror you can only experience when you’re alone out in the wilderness....

when it hungers (16+) by @roast-ifs - i love the setting of this one: fantasy 1910s. really cool species available for character customization, and some good horror writing. i love the team dynamic of the main cast, and how the main character struggles to find their place in it without their memories.

greenwarden by @fiddles-ifs - yet another fantasy horror game! modern setting this time. really interesting main character, with a past that seems to be haunting them... but right now there’s a mystery to be solved and a monster to track.

contrition by @nihilnovisubsole - i’ve recommended this one before but i really love it, the atmosphere, the writing, everything about it... it’s stuck with me and it’s a great read.

this is by no means a complete list of IFs i enjoy but hopefully there is something new for you in here that you like. i’m sure i’m forgetting some that i will curse myself for later... there’s a lot of talent in the IF community and there are a lot of new stories just getting started that i just haven’t had the time to read, but you can always browse my other games tag for newer intro posts as well.

[mercymorn-was-right]

I think it’s great when crews talk about behind the scenes stuff and discuss their thoughts about what they’ve created and all that

but I loathe this culture of taking authorial intent as 100% canon

like not to mention that there are very few times there is actually one single ”true” author of a piece of media

but it also ignores the point that what is canon is what’s in the text

authorial intention can certainly inform our reading and interpretation of a text

but it isn’t law, it isn’t “canon”

and this culture I’ve noticed of attacking other fans because they interpret something in the text differently than what the/an author has stated was their intent (or even their own thought of what might’ve happened that they haven’t even decided on!) — it’s harmful to media analysis, but on a smaller level it’s harmful to fans and fandom spaces

like, one example of this would be in one of my own fandoms — She-Ra (2018)

none of the characters have outright stated sexualities in the show — something the crew has even commented on that there wouldn’t be labels on Etheria as everyone is just taken as they are

like yes, you can certainly see hints in the text to some characters attractions: Bow pretty explicitly has a crush on Sea Hawk and later gets into a relationship with Glimmer, so it’s not fa-fetched to say he is canonically bi or pan — it exists in the text of the show! Similarly, Adora shows explicit attraction towards women at numerous times while being portrayed to be pretty indifferent towards men, meaning there is good evidence she is canonically a lesbian. Scorpia is portrayed this way too, being completely unimpressed when Sea Hawks tries to charm her in season 1

but for others, it’s not as clear

Catra, Perfuma, Netossa, Spinnerella etc

they are certainly sapphic — that much is clear, but we know nothing (in the text of the show) about what their attractions look like apart form this

for Catra, it’s by virtue of her obsession with Adora — unlike Scorpia and Adora herself, Catra never shows interest in anyone but Adora, and so we really can’t speak on what other attraction or capacity for attraction she has. It’s just Adora.

for the others, it‘s by the virtue of being side characters. Spinnerella and Netossa was a couple since day 1 so really, it’s irrelevant and the text doesn’t give us any indication of attractions outside their very happy marriage. Perfuma goes to prom with Bow, but it’s unclear if it’s in a friendly way or if she’s into him, and later she has a flirt with Huntara, and eventually gets with Scorpia. Because she‘s a side character her attractions aren’t pondered on any closer

and yet I see some fans hound other fans because they headcanon Catra as bi, or any other “infraction” on what the crew has said in panels or on Twitter

and like I get the urge

because the common argument is that you are “harming/erasing X sexuality”

and like, in some contexts that’s certainly true

for example, it would be helluva lesbophobic leap to call Adora a straight woman

but while bi Adora isn’t my cup of tea, and it goes against canon (which I agree with in this instance bc I like it), as a lesbian myself I don’t really see an issue with it

because it’s not erasing queerness or Adora’s queer attractions — it just shows a different flavor of queer that that particular fan vibed with more, maybe cause they are bi themselves and see themselves in Adora. Hell, I headcanon Adora as a demiromantic lesbian because that’s what I am and I recognize myself in her character

and so it really astounds me when some fans vigorously hound others for “erasing canon lesbians” because they headcanoned Netossa as bi when she isn’t even explicitly anything but sapphic in the text, and furthermore it doesn’t even harm queer people as a group

it only furthers separation between queer groups when we are all truly better of together

and not only does this have implications on queer issues of solidarity which is a big important topic

but on the interpersonal level, it works to make fandom a less welcoming, more hostile place for (queer)people wanting to be creative and play with characters they love

and it’s a damn shame

[samdotdocx]

A very long-winded essay about why I love Night in the Woods and The Ramayana makes me Big Mad ft. Lets Talk About Mental Illness™

So I was in this class called 'The Ecology of Language". Excellent class, 10/10 would recommend - and especially relevant in the Indian context in particular, but that's a topic for another day.

One of the things we talked about was the concept of 'relatibality' in media, which, I'm sure we can all agree is a large component of contemporary character or story-line development. Considering the context of modern readers, what that sometimes ends up looking like (in our society that is built on constantly being told we are lacking, and the subsequent need to satisfy manufactured desires), is some wonderfully nuanced characters in stories stories that are three-dimensional, well rounded, and well developed and written. It's pretty great. And sometimes, what that means is that we have excellent characters that don't conform to the standard 'protagonist' stereotype. They might not even be 'good' (this is NOT a villain-apologist post). In fact, they might be complete idiots. They might be the people in stories who make all the wrong choices.

One such relatable character is Mae, and it's because she's an unmitigated train-wreck.

Anyone who knows the game probably knows what I'm talking about when I say the illustration style and character designs are gorgeous. Anyone who's ever dissociated probably knows what I'm talking about when I say that illustration style and character design were excellently used to create the sort of subliminal, surreal state of Mae's mind. And as you play the game, you see how that state of mind plays with the other characters, and - spoiler - it isn't great.

This is the first of the relatable aspects of Mae’s character; there are people around her who love her and are worried about her, but at the same time, are angry and irritated about her behaviour. At what point does it become too much to ask of those around you to forgive all your continuous and repetitive mistakes? Even if you have a good reason for it, mental illness is not an excuse for being exploitative, even if it is unintentional. Mae is not trying to hurt the people around her, but she constantly needs emotional labour from them – it’s exhausting, and people’s patience is going to run out eventually, as is their right.

Another aspect of this behaviour is the lack of reciprocity, an example of this being when Bea’s mother died of cancer – and Mae didn’t even notice.

There are several instances of Mae’s thoughtless behaviour throughout the game; she gets completely wasted and makes a scene at the party, gets jealous of of Greg and Angus because they’re leaving the town without her, and ends up destroying the radiator Bea was supposed to fix, getting her in trouble.

The thing is though, that Mae is given the opportunity to fix her mistakes.

A large part of relatability is the want so see yourself in a character. Mae is relatable to me because there are several circumstances and events in our lives that match up, but more than that; the game is an interactive visualization of her healing process. Her nine steps, if you will. She is given a second chance – and that chance is hard won, particularly in the context of the game.

Mae talks about feeling like she’s falling behind, of knowing that she is, in a way, wasting an opportunity that was a privilege in the first place, especially considering her family’s financial situation – but at the same time, being literally unable to help herself. And the aspects of the gameplay that hint at the supernatural elements of the story possibly being a figment of Mae’s imagination – well. All us depressed losers know what it's like to not be able to trust your own judgement and point of view. She talks about why she dropped out of college, and her description of the dissociation, and the mental and emotional deadening that it causes is spot on and so well represented.

It underscores the point that the logical brain knows that mental illness is an illness like any other – but the emotional brain doesn’t care.

The game does a brilliant job of laying bare the realities of middle class life, and makes painfully clear the fact that, at that level, it doesn’t matter how difficult things are for you. The world isn’t going to wait for you to get back on your feet.

Mae’s mental state and the limitations it imposes on her cultivates a state of extreme frustration. Again, relatable. It’s an understated aspect of illness of any kind; the anger at yourself, and how that anger carries over into a lot of things in your day to day life. After a point, it becomes a habit. Mae does this too; she's belligerent, and instigative, and unrepentant of consequences, because anger blinds you.

It's not how things will always be. I have the privilege of hindsight, so I can say that with authority. But, this isn’t the kind of thing that ever fully leaves you, either. If you break a kneecap, it’s going to bother you for the rest of your life, and similarly, mental illness has a ‘no return, no refund’ policy. So you grow up, and you try to adapt those habits and impulses into a more positive context. Recycling, right? Maybe you set your sights on things that actually deserve your anger, and you go from there. You find people who, for their own reasons, perhaps or perhaps not related to your own, are angry.

And you don’t understand the people who are not.

A large part of the anger and frustration surrounding mental illness is due to the stigma surrounding it. It’s frustrating to be so powerless and dependent, but this is exacerbated by the attitude of ‘it can’t be that bad’, which makes it so difficult to reach out, to be able to say, ‘I need a break’ – and actually get one. This is an attitude that carries over to a lot of other issues as well, and the worst part is – we are surrounded by people who are okay with it, who believe in and support that mentality.

The myth of Sita, for example. She is a strong female figure in Indian mythology, who overcomes her circumstances to live a ‘good’ life, and for all intents and purposes, is a hell of a role model.

But that’s the thing; her life wasn’t good, was it? She was supposed be a goddess reincarnated, she should have been powerful, and respected, but instead she is reduced to ‘wife’ – and everyone today is fine with it.

I respect her immensely for the choices she made; marrying for love was her choice, going into exile with her husband was her choice. She was the paragon of virtue, of 'wifeliness', of kindness – she chose her husband over everyone and everything else, including herself, as was expected of her. But yet – she couldn't win his trust or respect. It should not even have needed to be won.

It’s commendable the way she takes it all in stride, but why did she? She was kidnapped and held captive for years, entirely against her will, and her husband's response to that is to force her to walk through fire to prove her ‘purity’ – and she does it. And she stays with him after, and I cannot understand the depths of her patience and forgiveness, because I would have been livid, and I want her to be so too. I’m furious for her, because Ram was not just her husband, he was also the king, and his later verdict to exile her, alone, while heavily pregnant, his readiness to condemn her based on speculation and public sentiment, was not just a verdict against her, it was against every woman in his kingdom who had ever been victimised.

Sita became a martyr to the modern feminist movement – if she could not be angry on her own behalf, we will do it for her. But at the same time, she is still relatable, because we are held to a slightly lesser degree of the same expectations. There are always going to be aspects of things that you relate to. ‘Big Mood’ culture is a strong indicator of the human ability to empathise, especially with characters that you like, or respect.

Sita’s world, I imagine, was run by the expectations her society and community had of her, and maybe she didn’t even have the liberty to be angry. Who is responsible for portraying her in passive acceptance of her fate? Is that representation reliable? Would the story have been different had it been written by a woman?

I can't remember a time when I was not angry, especially about things like this. I am always ready to fight, and I think the same goes for so many other people today, sometimes to our detriment. I cannot imagine a world where that was not at the very least an option. Not necessarily the best option, - but Sita’s world was very different to ours. Even with centuries between us, we’ve just gotten over angry and depressed women being labelled as ‘hysterical’ and subsequently being locked away. What is it like, to have to be calm and careful in response to being treated like this? This care in response may not be an overt requirement anymore – though the fact remains that society will not take you seriously if you become hysterical - but shouldn't you, at the very least, be able to rely on the support of other people in the same boat?

That is the main difference in these stories, and another main point of relatability to me; Mae, like myself, had a support system. Sita did not. Mae was selfish and demanding in so many ways, and required a lot of time and patience and healing before she was able to give back, but she got there eventually because she was able to put herself first. She fought for herself, and when she couldn’t, she had other people to fight for her. Night in the Woods represents the intersection of oppressed minorities and community with their portrayal of Mae, Greg, and Angus in particular, and the importance of community support – and, the difference between geographical community, and communities formed through camaraderie and actual unity. And so does the Ramayana - except, where was Sita’s community? Where were her sisters, or her parents, when she was abandoned in the woods, and later when she committed suicide? We are well aware, in the modern day, of the state of mind that causes people to kill themselves, and yet that is a part of the story that we never talk about. Where were her people then?

What would have happened if she had been more like Mae, and put herself first instead of bleeding herself dry for people who never respected her, and would never do the same for her?

People relate to personalities. They relate to choices, and circumstances, and habits, and it is neither a good nor a bad thing, to be relatable or not. Sita will be highly relatable to people who, like her, were governed by their circumstances, and were screwed over despite their best efforts. People who felt they couldn’t, or shouldn’t exercise their power and agency. Sita’s death was at odds with her strong personality, and so was her deference to her fate on many occasions, but there are a lot of people out there who will relate to the feeling of simply wanting things to be over. Mae on the other hand; she’s a steamroller, and she doesn’t stop. There’s a reason her character is a cat, and jokingly referred to as feral in the game. She is persistent, she is growing.

[1] In Defence of Kaikeyi and Draupadi: a Note – by Fritz Blackwellhttps://www.jstor.org/stable/23334398?read-now=1&seq=1#page_scan_tab_contents [2] https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/10/emergency-room-wait-times-sexism/410515/

[themollyjay]

The Myths of Forced Diversity and Virtue Signaling.

In my novel Mail Order Bride, the three main characters are a lesbian and two agendered aliens.  In my novel Scatter, the main character is a lesbian, the love interest is a pansexual alien, and the major side characters include a half Cuban, half black Dominican lesbian, a Chinese Dragon, a New York born Jewish Dragon, and a Transgender Welsh Dragon.  In my novel The Master of Puppets, the Main Characters are a lesbian shapeshifting reptilian alien cyborg and a half black, half Japanese lesbian.  The major side characters include three gender fluid shapeshifting reptilian alien cyborgs, and a pansexual human.  In my novel Transistor, the main character is a Trans Lesbian, the love interest is a Half human/Half Angel non-observant Ethiopian Jew, and the major side characters include a Transgender Welsh Dragon (the same one from Scatter), a Transgender woman, a Latino Lesbian, an autistic man, three Middle Eastern Arch Angels, and a hive mind AI with literally hundreds of genders.  In my novel The Inevitable singularity, one of the main characters is a lesbian, another has a less clearly defined sexuality but she is definitely in love with the lesbian, and the third is functionally asexual due to a vow of chastity she takes very seriously.  The major side characters include a straight guy from a social class similar to the Dalit (commonly known as untouchables) in India, a bisexual woman, a man who is from a race of genetically modified human/frog hybrids, and a woman from a race of genetically modified humans who are bred and sold as indentured sex workers.

Why am I bringing all of this up?  Well, first, because it’s kind of cool to look at the list of different characters I’ve created, but mostly because it connects to what I want to talk about today, which should be obvious from the title of the essay.  The concepts of ‘forced diversity’ and ‘virtue signaling’.

For those who aren’t familiar with these terms, they’re very closely related concepts.  ‘Forced Diversity’ is the idea that characters who aren’t neurotypical cisgendered heterosexual white males are only ever included in a story because of outside pressure from some group (usually called Social Justice Warriors, or The Woke Brigade or something similar) to meet some nebulous political agenda.  The caveat to this is, of course, that you can have a women/women present as long as they are hot, don’t make any major contributions to the resolution of the plot, and the hero/heroes get to fuck them before the end of the story. ‘Virtue Signaling’, according to Wikipedia, is a pejorative neologism for the expression of a disingenuous moral viewpoint with the intent of communicating good character.

The basic argument is that Forced Diversity is a form of virtue signaling.  That no one would ever write characters who aren’t neurotypical cisgendered heterosexual white males because they want to.  They only do it to please the evil SJW’s who are somehow both so powerful that they force everybody to conform to their desires, yet so irrelevant that catering to them dooms any creative project to financial failure via the infamous ‘go woke, go broke’ rule.

What the people who push this idea of Forced Diversity tend to forget is that we exist at a point in time when creators actually have more creative freedom than are any other people in history.  Comic writers can throw up a website and publish their work as a webcomic without having to go through Marvel, DC or one of the other big names, or get a place in the dying realm of the news paper comics page.  Novelists can self-publish with fairly little upfront costs, musicians can use places like YouTube and Soundcloud to get their work out without having to worry about music publishers.  Artists can hock their work on twitter and tumblr and a dozen other places. Podcasts are relatively cheap to make, which has opened up a resurgence in audio dramas.  Even the barrier to entry for live action drama is ridiculously low.

So, in a world where creators have more freedom than ever before, why would they choose to people their stories with characters they don’t want there?  The answer, of course, is that they wouldn’t.  Authors, comic creators, indie film creators and so on aren’t putting diverse characters into their stories because they are being forced to. They’re putting diverse characters into their stories because they want to.  Creators want to tell stories about someone other than the generically handsome hypermasculine cisgendered heterosexual white males that have been the protagonists of so many stories over the years that we’ve choking on it. A lot of times, creators want to tell stories about people like themselves.  Black creators want to tell stories about the black experience. Queer creators want to tell stories about the queer experience.

I’m an autistic, mentally ill trans feminine abuse survivor.  Every day, I get up and I struggle with PTSD, with an eating disorder, with severe body dysmorphia, with anxiety and depression and just the reality of being autistic and transgender.  I deal with the fact that the religious community I grew up in views me as an abomination, and genuinely believes I’m going to spend eternity burning in hell.  I deal with the fact that people I’ve known for decades, even members of my own family, regularly vote for politician who publicly state that they want to strip me of my civil rights because I’m queer.  I’m part of a community that experiences a disproportionately high murder and suicide rate.  I’ve spent multiple years of my life deep in suicidal depression, and to this day, I still don’t trust myself around guns.

As a creator, I want to talk about those issues.  I want to deal with my life experiences.  I want to create characters that embody and express aspects of my lived experience and my day-to-day reality.  No one is forcing me to put diversity into my books.  I try to include Jewish characters as often as I can because there have been a number of important Jewish people in my life.  I include queer people because I’m queer and the vast majority of friends I interact with on a regular basis are queer.  I include people with mental illnesses and trauma because I am mentally ill and have trauma, and I know a lot of people with mental illnesses and trauma.  My work may be full of fantastical elements, aliens and dragons and angels and superheroes and magic and ultra-high technology and AI’s and talking cats and robot dogs and shape shifters and telepaths and all sorts of other things, but at the core of the stories is my own lived experience, and neurotypical cisgendered heterosexual white males are vanishingly rare in that experience.

Now, I can hear the comments already.  The ‘okay, maybe that’s true for individual creators, but what about corporate artwork?’.   Maybe not in those exact words, but you get the idea.

The thought here is that corporations are bowing to social pressure to include characters who aren’t neurotypical cisgendered heterosexual white males, and that is somehow bad. But here’s the thing. Corporations are going to chase the dollars.  They aren’t bowing to social pressure.  There’s no one holding a gun to some executive’s head saying, “You must have this many diversity tokens in every script.”  What is happening is that corporations are starting to clue into the fact that people who aren’t neurotypical cisgendered heterosexual white males have money.  They are putting black characters in their shows and movies because black people watch shows and spend money on movies.  They are putting queer people in shows and movies because queer people watch shows and spend money on movies.  They are putting women in shows and movies because women watch shows and spend money on movies.

No one is forcing these companies to do this.  They are choosing to do it, the same way individual creators are choosing to do it.  In the companies’ cases the choices are made for different reasons.  It’s not because they are necessarily passionate about telling stories about a particular experience, but because they want to create art to be consumed by the largest audience possible, which means that they have to expand their audience beyond the neurotypical cisgendered heterosexual white male by including characters from outside of that demographic.

And the reality is, the cries of ‘forced diversity’ and ‘virtue signaling’ almost always come from within that demographic.  Note the almost.  There are a scattering of individuals from outside that demographic which do subscribe to the ‘forced diversity’ and ‘virtue signaling’ myths, but that is a whole other essay.  However, within that demographic, lot of the people who cry about ‘forced diversity’ see media and content as a Zero-Sum game.  The more that’s created for other people, the less that is created for them.

In a way, they’re right. There are only so many slots for TV shows each week, there are only so many theaters, only so much space on comic bookshelves and so on.  But at the end of the day, its literally impossible for them to consume all the content that’s being produced anyway.  So, while there is, theoretically less content for them to consume, as a practical matter it’s a bit like someone who is a meat eater going to a buffet with two hundred items, and then throwing a tantrum because five of the items happen to be vegan.

The worst part is, if they could let go of how wound up they are about the ‘forced diversity’ and ‘virtue signaling’ they could probably enjoy the content that’s produced for people other than them.  I mean, I’m a pasty ass white girl, and I loved Black Panther.

So, to wrap out, creators, make what you want to make, and ignore anyone who cries about forced diversity or virtue signaling.  And to people who are complaining about forced diversity and virtue signaling, I want to go back to the buffet metaphor.  You need to relax.  Even if there are a few vegan options on the buffet, you can still get your medium rare steak, or your chicken teriyaki or whatever it is you want.  Or, maybe, just maybe, you could give the falafel a try. That shit is delicious.