#i missed them...... needed to scribble something out... and if u know what pic i used as a reference. teehee

[ectonurites]

Face it, boy wonder. You got a bad case of the Stephs.

[soliverse]

SAY YOU LOVE ME - PART 4

rockstar!taeyongxjournalist!reader

genre: angst, suggestive, romance

warnings:  mentions of emotional abuse and manipulation, panic attacks, stalker behavior, and cussing

1 ⭒ 2 ⭒ 3 ⭒ 4 ⭒ 5 ⭒ finale pt 1

Length: 3k

ps:  if you are not comfortable with that sort of stuff, I will insert a warning within the story so you can skip it.

Also: the story is fictional and is no way related to NCT and its brand, especially Yuta. These are all a part of my imagination and I felt like it was needed to push the story further. Again, happy reading! - Ellie

The boys of 1:27 made a detour on a small BBQ shop on their way home to celebrate their successful performance for that night. Charlie promised them that she’ll pay for dinner and so they are stopped at the BBQ shack that they passed by on their way home. Everyone excitedly stepped out from the minivan with their arms around each other.

At this time of the night, they were the only ones inside the place. They took it as a go signal to be loud and did as they please. On a respectable manner, of course.

On one side, Johnny was filming a vlog with Mark and Doyoung. They talked about how they had fun at the performance and they wished that they can do more stuff like that in the future. Meanwhile, Taeyong helped Charlie decide what and how much to order.  

The pair came out alongside the staff to help them in carrying their massive order. They brought out about five trays of barbeque and side dishes which almost didn’t fit the small rectangular table that they have. They thank the staff for their troubles and started gobbling marinated meat right away.

The staff then came out with another tray. This time, it was filled by glasses containing amber-tinted liquid.

The boys cheered as Charlie went around the table and gave each one a glass. Mark was the first one that was handed the drink and so he took a sip right away. He then started laughing uncontrollably as he takes a sip once again from the glass.

“Dude, it’s apple juice.”

Charlie went back to her seat smiling smugly.

“Of course, it’s apple juice. I’m not going to baby your drunk asses off when we get home.”

The table went quiet, filling the room with sounds of chewing and utensils clanking over plates. Doyoung tried to lighten the mood up and started sharing stories about the miniconcert that they were invited in. They also got along well with the other performers and started taking pictures with them as well.

Charlie whipped out her phone and showed everybody pictures and videos that she captured while they are performing. They can all hear the cheers and screams coming from the videos. The loudest was definitely Charlie. Everyone was excitedly jumping up and down and singing their song with them. They got all hot and sweaty from the humid weather and moving around the stage. That didn’t stop them from interacting and hyping up the audience. She even argued that it made them even more appealing, especially to the young ladies watching. Some of them even tried to get the boys’ number but they all politely declined and just settled for selfies instead.

They also played games that night which resorted to Mark paying almost half the bill as they left. The guys thanked the owners for not kicking them out for being so noisy and promised that they’ll be back to eat there again. They hopped inside one by one and passed out as soon as their bodies touched the seats.

Taeyong stayed up for a bit and waited until everyone was asleep. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket and leaned on the glass window, making a tired peace sign. He sent you the pic and typed a message right after.

Taeyong: We did well today. I’m almost home. Missed u.

  His thumb hovered over the send button for a while. He cringed at the last sentence and erased it before sending it to you and popped in his eyemask and headphones to sleep.

///

“Any more questions about your assignments for this month?”

Everyone remained quiet and just shook their heads in response. The team meeting took longer than expected and it is already past lunch time. You were impatiently scribbling on the notes that you took earlier. A little trick that you do so you will look like you’re busy doing something productive. Your thoughts are now clouded by hunger and boredom and and you kept looking at the clock ticking. You are silently praying that no one will ask a question and extend the meeting any further.

“Okay then.”

The supervisor, an old guy in his early fifties, finally closes the presentation and started closing the tabs in his windows. He shut the laptop down and slammed it close.

“We’ll see each other again same time next month. Remember to stick to your deadlines.”

Finally.

The room rattled as everyone tries to pack up their stuff and get out as fast as they can. You stood up from your chair. You did a bunch of weird poses to stretch your aching body from sitting down too long as you waited for the crown to dissipate before walking away from the room.

You grabbed your handbag from beside you and dug through tons of your unorganized stuff before you were finally to fish your phone out to do a time check. Instead, you were met by tons of photos and videos sent by Charlie that morning. They were mostly pictures of them rehearsing and goofing around the area. A slight curved on your lips as saved all of them in your phone and made your way into the breakroom.

Things are going well for the past couple of weeks. You and Taeyong barely talked before the event because he was busy practicing but at least you can finally look him in the eyes. Greetings are also once again exchanged, you even sent him off on their way to the event. With that out of the way, you’re finally able to catch up on to your prior commitments and saved yourself from being fired that week.

You bolted to the breakroom because you can now hear your stomach complaining. You politely bowed at everyone inside and snaked your way through a bunch of your coworkers. Today’s hot topic was them complaining about how long the meeting was and that Mr. Supervisor purposely stretched the meeting out because he wanted to spite all of you. None of that mattered to you though. The croquette that you made last night for lunch was the only thing on your mind. Upon reaching the fridge of the tiny breakroom, you microwaved your lunch for a few seconds before to your cubicle to eat in peace.

You greeted the one sitting beside you before you took a seat. The stacks of folders and papers were set aside to make way for your lunch bag. You carefully took the contents and dived right in to calm down your growling stomach. At the same time, you decided to pop in an earphone and listened to some of 1:27 recordings while eating. A ding! interrupted the music so you absent-mindedly opened the messages without seeing who it’s from.

Abby: Hey boo.

  The text intrigued you. She wasn’t the type to text someone unless it’s an emergency.

  You: Oh hey. What’s up?”

Abby: Don’t freak out, okay?

Abby: I think I saw Yuta in the mall today.

You felt a lump on your throat, and it wasn’t your lunch. You felt as if someone threw a bucket of iced water at you. You’ve set your lunch down and immediately pressed reply.

You: You sure it’s him?

You: Guy might be visiting his sis. I’m sure it’s nothing.

Abby: You sure?

Abby: Would you like to stay at our place for a while? I’m sure big bro wouldn’t mind.

As much as you wanted to stay over at anyone’s house for tonight, the Li household wasn’t the best option either. The last time you slept over, he glared at you whenever you tried moving anything in the house by a small fraction.

This might be an overstatement but the only thing scarier than Yuta is judgmental Li Yongqin.

You: Yeah, it’s probably nothing. Don’t worry about me.

Abby: Just in case something happens, you have my number okay? Be safe.

You dropped your phone at your desk and you felt your body getting colder and your breaths getting shorter once again. Eating lunch didn’t feel right anymore so you placed the lid back on and slipped it back, exchanging it with the water bottle. You drank half of its content and took deep, long breathes to slow down your racing heart for a bit. You dizzily bobbed your head down and rested your head on your folded arms. People asked if you were okay but you just smiled weakly and insisted that you’ll just sit the day out until office hours was over

As the day ended, Abigail Li picked you up from work that day. She insisted that if you’re not staying over at their house, the least thing that she can do was to make sure that you get home safely.

“Are you sure that you don’t want to stay over? I’ll lock Yongqin in my closet upstairs if it makes you feel any better.” Abby knew what her brother did last time and she made Ten apologize for the glaring at her. He did some half-hearted apology before glaring one last time and shutting himself back to his room.

“Relax. I’ll be fine. It’s been years since we’ve last seen each other. He probably moved on already.”

A sigh left her mouth.

“Fine. Don’t forget to lock everything when you sleep, aight?”

///

The first thing you did as soon as you got home was to lock everything just like what Abby said. You said that you’ll be fine to assure Abby, but you know you couldn’t be too sure about Yuta. First thing you did was grab a few chips and a can of cat food for Felice. The bedroom was the most secure part of the house so you decided that the best thing to do was to camp in there until the morning comes.

You held Felice close and stroke her soft fur to calm yourself down. She had become your most loyal companion on your path to recovery when you shut yourself from everyone else. She snuggles into your chest and purred lightly, probably sensing your uneasiness.

You used all your willpower to sleep that night but your mind was restless. Even after you stuffed yourself full, drank room temperature milk and fiddled on some fancam videos, you just couldn’t your mind off of Nakamoto Yuta.

The last time that you saw him was when you were crying nonstop at the police station as Abby and Sophie held you in.

Everything played out in your head like a film in cinema.

Na Yuta.

Awesome performer.

Awful person.

(This part may be a trigger to some readers so if you wouldn’t be comfortable reading this, skip to the next ///)

Everyone knew that he’s a player. That’s the first thing that he told you when you met him. It made him look dangerous, something you just need in order to spice out your cookie cutter life. Your parents just went into divorce and your life was going downhill.

He’s just a perfect distraction.

It went well at first, you became his muse. He’d shower you with love and gifts. He made you feel things that you never felt before. That didn’t last very long though.

Not even a year later, fights became a common occurrence. You finally understood how someone can love and hate a person at the same time. As soon as you realized the kind of guy that he is, you couldn’t get out. You made excuses after excuses and still waited for the time that he will change.

He’d go on tours and you would hear stories about him being seen with other women. Plural. Witnesses gave you a different description at every story that you believed it was ridiculous. It’s probably a colleague. Or it was fan and hew was just doing a bit of fanservice. That’s what you believed because that’s what he’d tell you every time you would confront him about it.

At the few times that you did caught him, he’d lie blatantly as if he didn’t just get caught. You couldn’t also count the times that he’d turn the table around and find some guy to link you with. It tricked you into believing that it was your fault that he did it. That he regrets being with you.

You couldn’t also fathom that you cried yourself to sleep because of him. He wouldn’t respond at parties and it would take him days before responding. He made you feel that you are never good enough for him, damaging your self-esteem and confidence in the process. And then he would go full circle and be over the top with surprises and gifts. He starts to go all soft on you and made you weak against his touch and kisses. It’s reminder that only him can make you feel that good, even if he’s also the one who caused you pain.

You also turned your back against everyone. Nobody could contact you for months. It was mostly you, trying to keep your ego intact. You can already hear them mocking you and will remind you that they told you so. He also convinced you that nobody else will love you like he did. The absence of your friends and family made you lonely. It was like they didn’t even miss your presence. And so you clung unto him more.

But everyone has their breaking point. At that point, you’re numbed out. You didn’t even cry as you saw him bringing someone into your own home. It was the wakeup call that you needed to get away from him. You finally realized that you didn’t deserve to be treated like trash and broke things off with him right then and there.

He didn’t like that one bit. He saw you as his possession and no one can take you away from him easily. Yuta started following you around wherever you’ll go and asked you to talk things out with him. He’ll pop in at your office, at the club where you would drink your troubles away, or at any possible location where he knows that you would see him. He was switching back and forth from begging and reminding you the memories you both had into going full psycho and texting you that you’ll regret ever leaving him.

It made you so paranoid that you just flat out refused to go outside at the fear of meeting him. The girls wanted to do something about your condition, and decided that the best thing to get your mind off of things was to surprise you on your birthday.

They brought your favorite food with them and decorated the party with your favorite colors. It was unexpected and you even apologized to everyone for causing them trouble. The night made happy that night and finally be able to smile for the first time in months. All was going well until everyone decided to go outside and take a group photo. Yuta popped out of nowhere and started dragging you away. You were crying and begging him to let you go but he insisted that he needs to talk to you and it wouldn’t take a while.

All hell broke loose. The guys rushed outside to intervene. Sophie’s then boyfriend (now husband), was a big, strong man and was able to grab him by the collar and beat the living crap out of him right in front of you. The sudden violence made you cry harder than earlier. There was nothing that you can do besides watch as everything go down. Both the police and the paramedics came right after and disturbed the whole neighborhood.

That day was still, hands-down, the most awful day of your life. The memory was so horrifying that your birthday is doomed for life. Nobody ever tried to do something for your birthday again, as per your wishes.

You strike yourself as lucky that you don’t have to go to a psychiatrist or drink meds anymore to sleep. Flashbacks make you shake a little bit, but at least that’s manageable. You cannot say the same thing about meeting Yuta once again.

///

“Here’s your stop. I’m sorry I couldn’t drop you off by Y/N’s apartment. The street was small and it would be difficult to turn the van around.”

“It’s totally fine. Walking won’t hurt me.”

Taeyong grabbed his duffel bag and his guitar from the backseat and steps outside the vehicle. He waved at them goodbye before the van went back to the road. He adjusted the straps of his guitar case and duffel bag so he can carry them both comfortably as he begins to walk towards your place.

It was eerily quiet at that time and something just didn’t feel right. He tried to shake the feeling off and increasing his walking pace. It didn’t take long before he can see the building from a distance.

He didn’t know if he was just imagining things but he could’ve sworn that he saw a dark figure lurking in the darkness surrounding your apartment. He muttered a series of curses made a run for it.

///

Your thoughts were interrupted when you thought you heard footsteps coming from outside your house. You were jolted awake and started going into panic. Your heart pounded so much that you can hear it ringing through your ears. You forced yourself to not mind the sound and convinced yourself that you’re just imagining it.

You felt your heart drop as you heard the front door opening and swung slowly. You can definitely hear footsteps just right outside your door. That’s impossible. You locked every single entrance that night. Mind is getting a bit hazy at this point from hyperventilating. Despite this, you grabbed anything that you can get your hands on and decided to face the intruder head on.

You opened your bedroom door just started wielding the thing you are holding at whoever it is that’s outside. You heard a loud thud at the ground and a guy squirming in place.

“Oh shit.”

You quickly realized who it is and threw the blunt object away, now realizing that it’s a tripod. You kneeled down right in front of him and started panicking again. This time, it’s for a whole other reason.

“Oh my god, Taeyong. Are you okay?”

---

[benhardyisdaddy]

Howl - Part 4

MASTERLIST 

(hope this doesnt seem boring to u guys, but its about to get good so like im excited??? also this pic reminds me of a moody cute boyfriend vibe so i used it lol anyways ily all and i hope u like it BYEEE)

Word Count: 2,053

Bright lights. Loud voices. A man yelling. You slowly blink a few times and adjust your eyes to your surroundings. You look around and focus your eyes on the tiny white room around you. You’re hooked up to an IV as you lie on a hospital bed. Well that was a clear sign of where you are at the moment. You attempt to sit up and a slight pain from your leg shoots up. You hiss and lean back instantly. A nurse rushes into your room and hurries to you. She smiles and messes with something on your IV.

“Miss y/l/n, do you know where you are?” she asks slowly. You instantly nod to her.

“I’m in the hospital.” you whisper, having to clear your throat. The nurse smiles and nods.

“Perfect! And do you know what happened to you?” she asks again, grabbing a clipboard near the end of your bed on a tiny table. The memories of what had happened floods your mind. Something had slammed into the back of your car. You were in shock as you got out. You remember looking down at your leg and seeing a huge piece of glass sticking out. Then you remember seeing black.

“Yes, the accident. The glass in my leg.” you say, moving your leg just a bit. You feel pain again, but not as bad.The nurse writes something down as she walks closer to you.

“Yes, you were in an accident. And as for the glass, it missed your major artery by just an inch. You’re very lucky to be alive. You just needed a few stitches and it’s all wrapped up now. The hospital will provide you with the crutches.” she says. You look up and frown.

“I’ll need crutches?” you ask, bummed. She sweetly smiles and nods.

“Unless if you want to be in pain every time you take a step.” Your frown drops and you smile back as you shake your head no. She smiles and nods. “The doctor will be in here very shortly to talk to you. All your tests came back fine, so you shouldn’t be here any much longer.” she says. As she goes to reach for the handle, there’s a loud knock at the door. She turns to open it up half expecting the doctor, but it’s not. It’s Ben. He looks up and his eyes are instantly on you. He looks nervous and his face is flushed. You sit up straight and are utterly confused.

“Ben?” you ask as he quickly walks in. The nurse watches him for a second, then shuts the door behind her. He walks up and half smiles, looking you up and down.

“Are you alright?” he asks fast. You raise a brow and lift the covers off of your legs, revealing the large gauze wrapped around your thigh. A tiny bit of blood is stained over where you assume your stitches are. He tenses his jaw and looks up to you.

“Why are you even here?” you ask, still not understanding. “I’d expect Joe or Gwil to be here, not… You. And what happened to your arm?” you ask. He had his arm hung in a sling. He looks down quickly and shrugs.

“Touch football. Rami got a little too handsy. Messed up my shoulder.” he says, staring down at his arm still. He looks back up and shakes his head. “But that doesn’t matter. Are you okay? What did the nurse say?”

“She said my tests came back fine. I had a piece of glass in my leg that apparently barely missed an artery. I’m lucky to be alive.” you say, smiling to yourself. Ben tenses his jaw and looks back down to your leg.

“That stupid fucking truck driver.” he whispers to himself. You look up and cock your head at him.

“What? How did you know it was a truck driver? And how did you know I was even here?” you ask. He looks up fast and his eyes slightly open wide. He clears his throat and shrugs once more.

“Oh, um, the nurse had told me what happened. The truck driver slammed into the back of your car. Right? Did they not tell you?” he asks. You shake your head no and attempt to sit up more.

“No. They hadn’t told me any of that yet and you still haven’t answered my question.” you say, squinting your eyes. He looks to you and sniffles.

“Joe got a call from here, but he couldn’t be here fast enough, so he, uh, you know, called me.” he says, shifting his feet.

“Is Joe going to be here?” you ask. Ben nods and pulls up a chair to place it next to your bed.

“He’s on his way.” he says as he sits down and stares at you. You look away and play with the hem on your hospital gown. Your head starts to suddenly swarm and a feeling of loopiness comes over you. You close your eyes and lean your head back. You felt almost high.

“I feel… Weird.” you say, half giggling to yourself. Ben watches and looks up to your IV bag. He laughs.

“Probably because they’re giving you a high fun dose of morphine. Probably for your leg pain.” You lean your head up and look at him.

“I’m on morphine?” you ask, now frowning. “I’ve never been on morphine in my life.” Ben watches you and smiles.

“First time for everything, right?” he asks, winking. You catch yourself giggling again and lay your head back once more. You allow the lightheadedness to over take you as you just listen to the sounds all around you. And one of those sounds being a man in another room yelling about something you couldn't quite make out. You tried listening, but failed. You felt Ben’s eyes staring at you, but you didn’t dare look up. It felt like forever when your eyes were closed. Finally there was another knock at your door and it was suddenly opening up, giving you no time to object. In walks Joe as he looks around nervously. He spots you and rushes over. He pats Ben on the shoulder as he gently leans down to hug you.

“Oh my god.” he whispers. “I got a call that you were in an accident and I just started panicking. I’m so happy you’re okay.” he says, cupping your face. He kisses you on the forehead and steps back just as your door slowly opens up once more.

“Knock knock.” says a man as as he walks in. He has on a white coat and you instantly know he must be your doctor. You smile and feel your head swarm.

“So, how are we feeling?” he asks. Ben looks to you and laughs.

“High.” he says, watching as you have trouble holding your head up. The doctor laughs as he walks over to your IV machine. He adjusts the buttons and walks away.

“There,” he says. “I think that’ll do. The pain still bothering you?” he asks slowly. You shake your head no. “Alright, good. So, I went over your tests again and everything is still clear. All we’re worried about at this point is the wound on your leg. You know, infection and such. It’s cleaned out and stitched, so just watch it in case if it starts turning an angry red or pussing. If you notice any of that, you need to come back here ASAP, okay?” he asks.

“Okay.” says Joe, answering for you. You look up to him and lazily smile. The doctor walks over to a tiny closet in the room and types in a code on the door. It opens up and he grabs out a pair of crutches. He leans them against your bed and grabs another clipboard beside you.

“I just need you to sign right here and you’re officially all set to leave.” You grab the pen and quickly scribble your name, ignoring the horrible attempt. The doctor hands you a pain prescription for your leg. “Check in with your primary doctor in about a week and a half, okay? They’ll be able to release you from the crutches. Just remember, if it starts looking bad, don’t hesitate to come it. Got it?” he asks, smiling. You smile back and nod your head. The doctor slips out of the room as Joe helps you stand up. Ben walks around and gathers your clothes. You sit on the edge of the bed as he hands them to you.

“I need to get dressed.” you slur. Joe quickly looks to Ben as he slightly nods his head, now knowing what to do.

“Here,” says Ben, holding up the bed sheet. “I’ll block while you hand her what she needs.” Joe nods as he quickly helps you untie your gown and walks away. You’re covered up as you slip it off and hurriedly put on your shirt. The hospital had provided you with baggy, hospital pants so they don’t rub on your wound. You lean down and slide the pants over your legs and hike them up. You look up and Ben’s eyes are glued to yours. Something about the way he stares at you gives you this deep dark feeling in your stomach. You swallow hard and quickly look to Joe. He looks from Ben to you and smiles.

“Okay, I’m done.” you say. Ben tosses the blanket to the side as Joe slips on your shoes. He reaches over and grabs your crutches for you. You hold onto them as you stand up, a dull pain in your leg. You wince a bit as you place them under your arms. You lean forward and take a step. Your legs go wobbly as you fall down, but not before Ben swoops in and catches you. His arm is sternly behind your back as you hold onto his neck. You look up to him as you gasp.

“You okay?” he asks quietly. You can’t speak so all you do is nod yes. He helps you back to your feet as Joe hands you back your crutches.

“How about we get you a wheelchair?” he asks, watching you all worried. He was definitely like your older protective brother. You shake your head no quickly and place them back under your arms.

“No, no I got this. I’m fine.” You attempt to walk once more and it comes more naturally this time. You walk towards and out the door. You slowly pass by a room as Ben stands close to you, fearing that you might fall again. You’re looking forward as an older man begins to shout at you.

“You!” he yells, standing up from his bed, pointing. He’s short and has a trucker hat on, his eyes are wide. You look over as Ben stands in front of you protectively. He stands up tall and gives the man a threatening eye.

“They think I hit you! I didn’t! Didn’t you see it? The giant thing that slammed into you!? It wasn’t me! I was on the other side! It pushed you out of my way! That creature! Didn’t you see it!?” he yells at you with pleading eyes. You stare at him wide eyed and don’t know what he’s talking about. You shake your head, not knowing what to say.

“You need to step away from her.” says Ben as he places his hand on the man’s chest, not allowing him to come any closer. The guy doesn’t seem to care, he’s too focused on you.

“It was a monster that hit you! They think I’m crazy! Look at my semi! There’s no mark! I didn’t hit you! It did! I saw it!” he continues shouting as a few police officers rush in. They order him to sit down, but he just needs to tell you what happened. He continues yelling as Joe places his hand on your lower back, motioning you to continue walking. You couldn’t look away from this man as he called out for you. There was something in his eyes that made you confused. He keeps yelling that he didn’t hit you and something deep inside of you tells you that he’s telling the truth. And you almost believe him.

Tag List: @loudxxstar @iambuckyrogers @peter-parkersbb @seven-seas-of-hi @ramimalekrp-roleplayerpage@mautand @rogertayolr @mothermercuryy @basics-andthesimplelife @caterinaborgia@discodeakyjazzyjoe @bethany-cc @onexlittlespark @ohmystaxk @secretsweetscollectionblog @that-fandom-sucks-tho @thewinchesterchronicles@iambuckyrogers @idontbelievethiss 

[chandi800]

1 5 9 10 11 12 18 19 42 47 48 50

1. First things first, did you have a good year?

- It sure was something haha. My year started out good and then got a little rough but then was so good during the summer and then got rough again towards the fall lol. It’s kiiiinda coming back together a bit (work-wise). School hasn’t been great. But I did find me a cute boyfriend that I love so much and that’s been the biggest highlight of the year.

5. Post your favorite selfie.

This was my favorite one as of recent :D

9. What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible?

I’ve been wearing this shirt a lot lol from when I went to the Twenty One Pilots concert.

Bonus: the concert outfit I wore was also great.

10. What song sums up this year for you?

- Maybe either Bridges Burn or Bullets by NEEDTOBREATHE. It sure has been A Year™. The back half of it has been exhausting lol

11. What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?

- There’s been some that I had heavy rotation on for a while. I’ll link my favorite song from them.

WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP WHERE DO WE GO? - Billie Eilish

Thank U, Next - Ariana Grande

Wasteland, Baby! - Hozier

12. What was your favorite movie of the year?

- I really enjoyed Ford v Ferrari, Knives Out, and I absolutely loved Frozen II lol

18. What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

- I’ve been really learning to take care of someone else, mainly my boyfriend. It’s almost like second nature which is good haha. I love taking care of him, especially when he has his bad days when he’s really exhausted and worn. That’s a bit vague but there’s that. Something more specific could be working late to help someone else in another department at work. I want people to know that I’m there to help them whether they’re on my team or not and that I fully and independently own that. A higher-up of mine would tell me to not do it because it’s a waste of time (and not in our department) but when I would have the free time, I would totally reach out and help. It’s really hard to say no when I know I have the spare time and the solution to their problem.

19. What was one nice thing you did for yourself?

- I took a day watching TV and laying in bed to de-stress when I should’ve been working lol. It was very much needed and it wasn’t long enough but it helped haha. I also soaked in the bath last night with a bath bomb and some light music and that was relaxing. All I was missing was some candles and some alcohol haha.

42. What are you most proud of accomplishing?

- At the moment, I’m not too sure. I’d say I’m proud of stepping up at work and taking over certain roles after some unfortunate circumstances caused a dear friend and coworker to leave. I’ve done a lot in the Christmas season (I work at a church) and I’m proud of being able to do what I do well. I wish I could say I was proud of how I’m doing in school. It’s super rough and graduation is probably going to be pretty delayed but I’m just trying to take it day by day.

47. If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

- I need to start working out again. I need to start eating better too. I also need to start focusing better on school. My heart is at work more than school now because I’m slightly hating what I do in college. I’m working just for a degree at this point but we’ll see what happens. I’d also like to start creating more. I tend to always want to but end up staring at a blank canvas, just scribbling nonsense.

48. If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?  Who would you go with?

- I’m answering this right after the new year, oops I would love to go to Paris. My romantic heart would be so happy. I’d love to visit the Eiffel Tower, go to some nice little cafes, have a romantic dinner somewhere. The thought of it makes me super happy and warm inside. I’d obviously go with my boyfriend lol. I’ve always wanted to go to Paris.

50. What do you wish for yourself?

- I wish for a better level-head when it comes to balancing school and the rest of my life. I honestly wish for no more secrets this year. I wish for a more creative mind so I can create more.

—

Thank you so much for the ask, my friend :)

From End of the Year Meme

[eirosbraindump-blog]

BRAIN DUMP ENTRY #1

November 8, 2018

Thursday: around 10:30 in the morning

Hello, Joe!

It has been a long time since I called you that. Usually I would just slam words and feelings at you and have forgotten the reason why I named you Joe. i wanted to have someone whom I can always rely my stories to, and that is my journal, it is you Joe.

I wanted to have a friend whom I can trust the secrets of my life with, because as of now I don’t think I have one.

Side comment: Fuck, this is very unusual of me to do journaling early in the morning because most of the times I do this at night pero kailangan ko na magreflect. I need to do something productive because I think I’ve been wasting a lot of time.

______________________________________

Around almost 7 in the pm. Lol haha. Whut???

OKAAAAAAY, so it’s basically NOV. 9, I got distracted by movie watching yesterday and left this one hanging. I’m such a fool. I haven’t done anything productive and I’m pissed off with myself because even journaling, di ko matapos tapos. Sooooo yesterday I just watched a couple of movies (not that important) and then drowned myself on the internet, AGAIN.

Thoughts raging, scribbled memories and fucked up mind. That is basically who I am right now. I don’t even know what to write. I got a lot of thoughts going on in here.

I made iced oreo coffee btw. I’m proud, though i still have to perfect it. but I’m proud. Hehe

So back to my magulong sarili, I watched a movie a while ago. Crazy Rich Asians. It’s a good movie though, while watching that I have a lot going on in my mind. First, I got jealous with the girl because how can she be that lucky! Like oh my gosh Rachel, u got a crazy rich man like that who really loves you and then you only gonna turn him down! She is really a strong woman btw. Nick’s family hates her and she just got along with it. SECOND, arrrgh that movie made me feel how single I am and it made me miss my fckin ex-boyfriend AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH. As much as I wanted to forget that asshole, I can’t. because you know what? He gave me two years of happiness that I can’t just forget, bet nobody can do that to me, even my family. Though I appreciate them, every moment of my life I’ve loved my family especially my parents. But there’s just something with Kiko that really made me who I am today. When I met him it was like I finally knew who I really am. I found myself you know? I learned so much for the past two years that I’ve known him. It taught me so much lesson. Life taught so much. I became to appreciate little things because of him. Although I know that we’re not that lowkey to everyone but our treatment, the way we treat each other is kami lang ang nakakaalam at kami lang ang nakakaramdam. Damn you, kiko. I loved you. I really did love you so much it came to the point that it broke my heart really bad. I still love you up until now though, but I don’t think I’m in the right position to love u like I loved you the way I did before.

Kani-kanina lang, I’ve watched a video about journaling, I forgot the name of the girl but there’s this one thing that she said that I can’t forget (though she just re-quoted it, she’s really not the one who said that, I think.) “Forgiveness is the way/road to Happiness.” I don’t think that I have completely moved on yet, I’d just lie to myself if I said that I already did, but I don’t know if I have completely forgave you, and I know that I have been a bitch at times to you (on social media) and to your girl. But that girl is really being a lowclass obsessive bitch she’s really like nagpaparinig sakin na parang mas affected pa siya kesa sating dalawa. Aarrrghh. I cant just be happy for you yet. You really broke my heart Ching. Anyways, as I was saying, that girl on the video also said to write a letter of forgiveness to someone because it will help yourself to freeload your bothering thoughts. So I decided to do that, not just now because I cant promise myself (yet) that I won’t get affected just by seeing your random jejemon-ish pic with the girl i-was-once-got-jealous-into-but-you-said-to-me-don’t-because-she’s-just-a-friend-who-turned-out-to-be-your-girlfriend-today together with you.

Aside from hating and loving my ex at the same time, I have more randomly important life-related thought still going into my head like: what am I going to be after graduation? because I never saw myself being an employee. I don’t know, whenever I think of what am I gonna be, I just see me walking with confidence together with high-fashioned business clothes with high heels and sunglasses inside a random office building. Maybe I’m gonna be a ceo or something. Haha. And then there’s this purpose chorvaness of me. like, what is really my purpose in life ba? What is my actual calling? Am I gonna be like this forever?

Eiro, you know yourself better than anyone else. I can see who am I on the inside, but theres this one thing that I can’t see that people can see: who am I on the outside. Let me give you an example kung gaano kagulo ang personality ko (idk if personality is the right term but. . .) 1. Before sembreak came, I was like ‘oh I should do something productive on sembreak, like I should re-learn photoshop, read books, learn something new and blablabla.’ Some of that happened syempre kasi I was in the urge of reconstructing and discovering me diba? I re-learned Photoshop but I stopped when I got proud of the first project that I made. I didn’t even bother continuing the second project. And then I read a book naman although–haha, I stopped, I don’t know why pero gabi ko kasi binasa yun tapos kinabukasan I didn’t bother to touch it. I cant say that it’s the same old eiro kasi di naman ako ganito dati. You know what? I’ll be harsh to myself, I became a fucking ningas cugon na!

(break muna nandito na parent ko hehe)

Bello. It’s NOV 13 na and I can’t even get this fucking done. It’s around almost 10:30PM so maybe I’ll be like medj sabaw na hahahaha. But I need to get this done you know?

So many things have had happened this past days. Im afraid that my parents are losing their sparks for each other, and I don’t want to let that just fade, so I always make a way to remind them the reason why they stayed at each other’s side. My mum can be stubborn sometimes and my dad is a big pain in the head. Theyre both a pain in the head.

My relationship with kiko is a big blessing in disguise. Yung mga lesson na natutunan ko is naapply ko sa mga magulang ko. And I’m proud of what I did to both of them. I have so many problems in life and I don’t want my family to be one of them. Aside from my friends, sila na lang ang pinagkukunan ko ng lakas at ayoko naman na pati sila ay maging dahilan ng pagsuko ko. Lord please give me strength.

My parents are okay now. I guess the advices that i gave to them works. I love them so much and it hurts me whenever I see them into cold war.

So yesterday, I have this kwento. I dreamt of kiko. I dont want to forget that dream kaya I immediately get my phone and wrote down what happened. Here’s what I wrote:

“11/12/18 4:47am grudgy and sleepy. but idon wanna forget this dream that i had. i meed to write this i had a dream i was with kiko we are on the fx daw and we were standing i know right haha basta fx yun you know dreams are weird sa pagkakaalam ko we were going to sm north edsa and i was hugging him while standing. and he keeps giving me forehead kisses. puta namiss ko yun. pero may isa akong nagawang mali, binitawan ko siya. kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap sa kanya sa kadahilanang majudge ng mundo. were fckin doing pda on that ride. i hate myself for that. binitawan ko siya pota (nakuha tuloy ng iba). then i woke up. Lord, please stop giving me dreams like that. iniisip ko tuloy na sign siya or something. lalo po akong umaasa. please sana yung nangyari po na yun panaginip na lang na habang tumatagal nakakalimutan. i am happy Lord kasi having a relationship with kiko taught me so many lessons that i can say i already applied to some. i see it as a blessing in disguise. pero, how long will i keep hurting Lord?  -your broken daughter,Eiro.“

Yeah, I kinda forgot that ganyan pala yung mga sinulat ko.

Kiko having a girlfriend is a big slap on my face. I think I lowkey gonna accept pa if he broke up with me just to save the relationship, kaso hindi eh. Pinagpalit ako friend. Agad! Alam mo ba yung feeling na parang wala ka ng karapatan na mag selos at mangamusta man lang sa kanya kahit gusto mo kasi alam mong may nagmamayari na sa kanya? Yung parang ang only choice mo na lang is mag move on at parang wala ka na sa lugar masaktan? Though I’m really moving on, may mga times lang na pagdumadating yung mga dates na  ay kinalaman sa kanya is biglang bumabalik lahat ng sakit. All I have to do is wait for that day to be over. And it is so dumb of me because I didn’t even noticed that 4 fucking months have passed and the pain that I am feeling is the same like it just happened yesterday.

Anyways, you know I really need to stop talking about them no? kasi it’s bad for a moving on Eiro.

So It’s almost 11pm and this time is way passed my sleeping time. I just got a lot of brain dump going on that I need to write or else I think I’ll get crazy.

Kinakamusta ko lang naman yung sarili ko and I just really wanted to finsh this entry. And also I am requiring myself to reflect weekly, if not, monthly. Just so I see my improvements and how far I’ve come.

Another side story or cause di ko lang maisingit sa iba hahahah. I am so much thankful for my friends. They really helped me cope up with my problems and helped me get up in my broken situations.

And oh my gosh, nakakainis pala kasi Kiko is using our slangs when we were still a couple sa new gf niya. Like omg ang lame lang at nakakainis kasi. Di ko maexpress through sulat yung nararamdamn ko pero its like a big “PUTANGINA BAKIT?” to my face.

I know bashing them and ranting here are useless, pero kasi it helps me cope up with my problem. Kailangan ko lang mailabas to and to let myself believe that I’m the better one. Friends also said to me that the best revenge is to show them that you are not affected kasi pag pinakita mong apektado ka, ikaw yung talo. And to show kiko that you improved and that youre even happy without him is the best that you can give to him and to yourself.

Girl, I. AM. SERVING!!!

You got served mf a-hole together with your bitch! Jk I still care for you, Ching.

Oh right, shit. With these raging thoughts and feelings, I really need to write a letter to Kiko. Di nga lang yung letter of forgiveness hehe.

So I think that’s it for today, I still have a lot going on though. Hehe

- Confused Rose