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botanistlester · 7 years ago

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Sweet Pea (18/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Dive into My Sun by Citizen (bc every lyric is from them oops theyre just so relative to this story)!

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Chapter Eighteen

I'm conditioned well; A sliver from my lovers, something I hold on to.

“Phil, can we talk?”

Those were the words that Phil never wanted to hear, especially from Dan. Why did everyone always want to talk to him now? Couldn’t they see that he didn’t want to talk? About anything? Couldn’t they see that he felt just fucking peachy? He just wanted to be left alone. No more “talking”, no more “fretting”. He just wanted to be.

But he didn’t say that, because this was Dan. This was Dan and he had done so much for Phil already that Phil couldn’t possibly turn him down. He could complain all he wanted, of course, but he could never turn Dan down. So he grumbled, tried to unwrap himself from the duvet, poking his head out from under the covers to pout at Dan. “Do we have to talk?” Phil whined, waiting, hoping with each breath that Dan would just say no, we don’t actually have to talk.

Dan nodded and shook his head at the same time, which was honestly the strangest thing that Phil had ever seen in the entire world. He looked like a bobble head, one that was real and living and apparently uncertain about everything. “We need to talk,” Dan said more firmly, and proceeded to push Phil over so he could slide under the covers as well. Phil didn’t complain about that, only moved over more so that Dan had enough room.

They stared at the dark ceiling for a moment. All of the lights were off in Phil’s room and Regular Show was playing in the background, casting blue and white shadows over the walls. The volume was turned down so quietly that Phil could barely hear it, but that was the point. He had been trying to take a nap, the exhaustion seeping into his bones and making it nearly impossible for him to move.

Eventually, Phil opened his mouth. “What did you want to talk to me about?” he whispered, because he was scared. Talking, in Dan language, usually meant discussing Phil’s recovery plan. It meant trying to get Phil to go outside, to see friends other than him. It meant trying to help Phil get over Nico. But it never worked, because Phil didn’t know if he even wanted to get over Nico in the first place.

Dan sighed, and that wasn’t good. That really wasn’t good. “I talked to your lawyer today.” Phil flinched at the words. Ever since the whole police fiasco had happened, Phil had been assigned a lawyer until he decided whether he wanted to press charges against Nico or not. He had only met with the guy once, but he seemed really kind and like he did his job well. The only issue was that Phil didn’t know if he wanted to press charges against Nico.

In his eyes, Nico hadn’t done anything that warranted jail or prison in the slightest. Sure, he’d smacked Phil, but Phil’s smacked his brother before and he still didn’t deserve to go to jail. Yes, Nico was manipulative and he had made Phil really upset when he left, but that still wasn’t jail material. Phil didn’t think he deserved it, but it was always Dan who told him to at least consider the options.

“What did he say?” Phil asked shakily, bracing himself for the worst.

And it was bad. Dan explained in a soft voice that even if Phil wanted to press charges, there was no promise that he would win in the first place. They needed evidence to come to a conclusion, evidence in the form of pictures or videos. Evidence that Nico truly deserved to be called guilty for a crime. Dan explained this with his hand brushing through Phil’s hair in a calming manner that, because Phil’s bruises were emotional and not physical, there really was no evidence at all that would let Phil win the case.

“However,” Dan started, despite the way Phil was currently pushing himself under the covers more and more with each word. Phil perked up at that, only slightly. “The lawyer said it’d be very possible for you to get a restraining order instead. Those are typically much easier for you to obtain if you can’t press charges.”

Phil took this information in with a hum of discontentment. But what if he wanted to talk to Nico again? He would legally not be allowed to. He voiced this to Dan, who gave him an unimpressed look.

“Phil,” he said softly, putting his hand back on Phil’s head. He brushed his fingers through his hair softly, obviously trying to calm Phil. “You won’t be talking to Nico anymore. As your friend, I won’t let you do that to yourself.”

The first thought that Phil had was, but what if I want to? It coincided with a feeling of mass anxiety, of suffocation that welled up in his throat and made it hard to breathe. He took as deep of a breath as he could, focusing on the soothing massage of Dan’s fingers in his hair. But why would I even want to? He asked himself instead, shaking his head a little bit. He was slowly trying to get used to the fact that he didn’t need Nico in his life anymore, but it was hard. It was so hard that he constantly had to try and yell at himself to remind himself just what Nico has done to him.

He shuffled under the duvet until his face was completely covered and only his hair was sticking out, perfect for Dan to keep running his fingers through. “You’ll come with me to get my restraining order?” he asked quietly, and he didn’t have to look to know that Dan was nodding his head yes.

“Do you really think I’m just gonna leave you to fend for yourself by now?” Dan teased, and the covers shifted a little, only for Dan to scoot closer to him, their arms brushing lightly. Dan met Phil’s gaze in the darkness surrounding them, and his smile was bright, even underneath the shadows. “I’m afraid you’re stuck with me, Phil.”

Phil sighed and closed his eyes. Once upon a time, he had felt too claustrophobic to bury himself under blankets. He hadn’t liked the way that it felt as though the space was getting filled with his own breath, how the shadows seemed to crawl into his skin and down his throat, choking him until he could do nothing but gasp for air. But now, he was under the covers more often than not, welcoming the feeling of the darkness shrouding his mind and his lungs.

But for some reason, it didn’t feel quite as suffocating with Dan in there with him, supporting him, making sure that he was okay.

The possibility of a restraining order was scary. He wasn’t quite sure that he wanted to even get one, that he wanted to commit himself to something like that. What if he wanted to talk to Nico? What if he was the one who broke the order and submitted to Nico once more? He didn’t know if he could handle the idea of never seeing or speaking to Nico again, and he still wasn’t convinced that he even needed the restraining order. Nico wasn’t going to kill him. That’s what restraining orders are for, right? Because a person is terrified of another person to the point where they’ll get badly hurt?

Nico wasn’t going to hurt him.

But maybe that was why he needed one. Maybe he needed one because he didn’t think Nico was going to hurt him. Maybe he needed one to hold himself back, to protect himself from succumbing to the darkness of his ex boyfriend once again. Maybe he needed to do this to make Dan believe that he was okay, that he was getting better, that things won’t stay like this forever.

With his heart in his throat, he opened his mouth and nothing came out. He swallowed and tried again, his voice coming out more confident than he felt. “I want to get a restraining order,” he said firmly, and it felt like he had closed the door to his past relationship and locked it up with steel. Maybe now he could start to heal. Maybe now he could start to feel.

Charlie - 6:34pm

Shabbot shalom! Are you feeling a bit better?

Phil Lester - 6:36pm

Not particularly. Still sulking

Charlie - 6:40pm

:( Dan taking good care of you?

Phil Lester - 6:41pm

Perfect, as always

Charlie - 6:43pm

Great! I expect you to come hang out again soon. I miss your dumb face

Phil Lester - 6:44pm

Miss you too

For once, Phil was going outside. Without Dan.

When he told Dan he wasn’t going to be home today, Dan was curious, but he didn’t ask too many questions. Maybe he knew that Phil wouldn’t tell him what he was doing, not because he was ashamed, but because Phil knew that Dan would try to stop him if he told him what he was up to. It seemed as though Dan was just happy that Phil was getting out of the house, so he didn’t ask questions and just let the situation be.

Phil didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

He didn’t know how he was doing it honestly, but he got up, put on some mildly okay-looking clothes, and straightened his hair. He made sure that he looked vaguely alright, that the bags under his eyes were covered with a light layer of makeup, that his hair was in place and not greasy. When he was ready, he stepped into the bright sunshine, making a face of disgust as the sun immediately attacked his eyeballs.

It was a nice spring day, and Phil was going on a date.

He took a cab to the pizza place where he’d promised that he would meet Jace, a nice little family owned joint called Pizza Mia. Phil had always liked Pizza Mia, because it was nice and cozy with yellow walls and burgundy booths. There were televisions in the corners of the rooms and beautiful paintings all over the walls. The staff were all super friendly with each other, regarded each other with politeness and laughter. It was refreshing, to say the least.

Jace was already there when Phil arrived, sat in a booth in the corner. His hair, which was in tight black braids, was tied back into some sort of ponytail, and Phil liked it because it showed off his shaved sides. He was as good looking as the last time Phil had seen him, and Phil had a moment of guilt because he liked Jace, but he couldn’t help but feel as though he was using him.

Using him just like Nico had used Phil.

He wanted to walk out, but he didn’t. Instead, he slowly made his way over to Jace until he caught sight of him, smiling that beautifully white smile that Phil definitely didn’t deserve. He stood up and Phil didn’t quite understand why until he was bringing him into a large hug. “Phil!” Jace exclaimed, backing away. His hug was warm, but it made the guilt crushing to the point where Phil had to force a smile on his face. “How have you been? Your piercings look like they’re healing nicely.”

Phil nodded and sat down in the booth across from Jace. His fingers were shaking and he hid it by burying his hands between his thighs. Stop it, he told himself, because there was nothing to be afraid of or guilty for. He was allowed to go on dates. He was allowed. “I’ve been doing pretty well,” he lied, because that’s what you do with people you barely knew. They weren’t supposed to know the darkness yet. “What have you been up to recently?”

Jace seemed pleased that he had asked, settling back in his chair and biting at his lip piercings. He had an orange Fanta sitting in front of him that he sipped at before replying. “Just been piercing people. The usual.” He shrugged and Phil watched the way his broad shoulders rippled as he did so. He was wearing a nice gray tank top that showed his muscles off, and for some reason that made Phil feel a bit nauseous.

Slut, his mind whispered, but he shook that off. Jace was a nice guy and he was taking Phil on a date. Phil couldn’t call him a slut because of his outfit choices. Outfit choices didn’t matter - but the voice in Phil’s head didn’t leave, and he hated how much it sounded like Nico.

They talked some more about what they’d been up to, Phil excluding the whole hiding-under-his-duvet-like-a-burrito part, and the nasty break-up that had resulted just after Phil had gotten his piercings It was nice, and Phil found himself relaxing slightly as Jace made him laugh a few time, his smile just warm enough despite the fact that Phil felt nothing. His phone vibrated and he reached to grab it, knowing that it was probably Dan, but the waitress walked up to him before he could read his message.

“Welcome to Pizza Mia! My name’s Betsy and I’m going to be taking care of you today. Can I get you started with something to drink, or are y’all ready to order?” She was speaking mostly to Phil about the drink part, and he ordered a coke because he hadn’t really thought about it and that was the first thing that had come to his mind.

Jace ended up ordering for them. Apparently he was a vegetarian, so he got a medium pizza with spinach, mushrooms, and red peppers for himself, while Phil got the exact opposite of that and put as many meats as he possibly could on his pizza. They were like two completely different people, and Phil couldn’t help but wonder if Jace would like him any less just because he ate meat, thinking Nico was right, who would ever want me?

He voiced these thoughts aloud once Betsy walked away, staring at the gray speckles on the table and mindlessly picking up a napkin to tear it between his fingers. “Are you bothered that I eat meat?”

Jace laughed and shook his head. Phil glanced up to see that his eyes were shining, his face bright and not judgemental in the slightest. “Are you kidding? I’m not going to hate you just because you have a different lifestyle than me.” He put his head in his hand and winked as he said, “But I may have you brush your teeth before I kiss you.”

It took a moment for the comment to sink in, but when it did, Phil couldn’t help but squeak, his entire face turning an ugly shade of red. He hid his face in his hands, trying to calm down a little bit. Still, he felt uneasy at the same time, even though he had no reason to. He had to remind himself that Jace was not Nico. Jace was just trying to show Phil a good time and get to know him. That meant flirting. It wasn’t insidious. It wasn’t supposed to be.

“I’ll brush my teeth, in that case,” Phil promised, because he didn’t know what else to say, eyes glinting and shy.

It was the right thing to say apparently, because Jace’s grin was blinding in response. He could see why. He’d just admitted that Jace could kiss him. Although, Phil didn’t even know if he would like that. He hasn’t kissed someone other than Nico for a year, and the thought of kissing someone new was honestly terrifying. He didn’t know if he wanted to, didn’t know how to kiss someone else.

Plus, that stupid guilt was still crushing him from the inside out. He couldn’t help but feel as though he was cheating on Nico, knowing full well that he had broken up with Nico and was now about to get a restraining order. He was a mess.

While Jace went on another rant, Phil dug his phone out of his pocket, clicking it open. He was right, he did have a text from Dan. Pretty much the only people he texted were Dan, Jace, and Charlie. Occasionally Jane would text him, and he’d just started texting Ledjon too, but the only person who frequently checked up on him was Dan.

Dan Howell - 7:30pm

Hi how are you doin? X

The use of kisses in the text wasn’t anything weird from Dan. It was one of the ways that Dan showed he cared, and Phil had long since learnt not to be freaked out by it a very long time ago. It made his chest feel a bit warm to know that Dan cared about him that much.

He responded quickly to Dan because Jace was still talking, and Phil couldn’t really fit a word in edgewise. He was a super talkative dude, while Phil was just more of a listener than anything else. He didn’t mind. It just got a bit hard to follow.

Phil Lester - 7:31pm

Good. on a date

The response came as soon as Phil set his phone down, and he nearly laughed at Dan’s eagerness. He could practically imagine the shock now. Phil? On a date? It was a ridiculous picture, and yet here they were.

Dan Howell - 7:31pm

A date? Since when have you been talking to someone?

Phil Lester - 7:32pm

Jace. He did my piercings. We’ve been talking for a little bit now

Their pizzas were placed in front of them then , and Phil set his phone down, deciding to ignore Dan’s surprise and instead focus on the delicious food in front of him. There was so much meat piled on top of Phil’s that he could barely see the cheese underneath, but that was alright by him. He wasn’t exactly the biggest cheese fan in the world, so he would much rather eat an entire meat pizza than one with a lot of gooey, disgusting cheese. Jace’s, on the other hand, had so much spinach that Phil’s nose crinkled up with disgust. He liked spinach, but that much? On a pizza? That was more like a pizza salad, in Phil’s opinion.

His own pizza was good, at least. He’s always liked the pizza here, so even if his date talked a little bit too much, at least his pizza was good. Phil gulped it down like a hungry wolf, and Jace laughed at him, knocking their feet together in a game of footsies. Phil let him, because he didn’t have anything against it, so that was fine.

Even so, he felt as though he couldn’t completely enjoy his date. Sure, Jace was wonderful. He was attractive and had a great personality. He talked a lot and seemed to have cool hobbies, and the fact that he thought Phil was pretty was a plus as well. But Phil just didn’t feel anything for him. He felt like this was all wrong, like he wasn’t supposed to be here. Maybe he could be good friends with Jace, but this date? Phil didn’t want this. He didn’t want this.

He wanted Nico, damn it, and he hated himself for the thought even crossing his mind.

After they finished their dinner and got up to leave, Jace smiled at him, so large that it made his entire face shine bright like a star. “I had a lot of fun with you,” he said honestly, seeming like he put his whole heart into that sentence.

The first thought Phil had was how? But he didn’t say that. Instead, he smiled, his face made out of plastic. Instead, he said, “Me too.”

“Can we do this again sometime soon?” Jace asked, hopefully, and Phil felt his stomach sink because Jace definitely wanted to date him, and Phil didn’t know if he was capable of being a good boyfriend right then.

Still, he put on his best smile, and nodded his head yes. “I would like that,” he replied robotically, and he could feel his body float away from his consciousness. Suddenly , he was back in the bath tub, rubbing at his skin until he could no longer feel the touch of Nico’s skin on his own. He completely shut down and let his body do the actions without any thought whatsoever. “Yeah, I would like that,” he said again.

And when Jace leaned up to kiss him, his lips soft and warm and foreign, Phil kissed him back because that was what he was supposed to do.

Dan Howell - 7:34pm

Dont move into anything too fast yet. Pls take care of yourself first

Dan Howell - 8:10pm

Phil?

Chapter Ninteen

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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Everything You Need To Know About Choosing The Right Guy

The following is excerpted from the book Everything You Need To Know If You Want Love That Lasts.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them. ~ Bill Maher

All the relationship advice in the world wont make any difference if youre choosing the wrong guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what theyre doing wrong, why they cant seem to make it fit, why they cant get the love they want. You cant turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You cant force someone to change and to want what you want. You cant convince someone to feel a certain way about you.

I spent way too long chasing after guys who wouldnt or couldnt give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didnt get me lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the wrong men. It sounds straightforward enough, but its a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right, because were swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it makes us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that hes the one and we just need to make him see it.

This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to consume you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe youve never felt this way before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.

This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the wrong guy. If youre hung up on a man who cant commit or wont commit or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with baggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect if only he changed such and such, then youre setting yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever finding the love you want.

Where Healthy Relationships Begin

Before we talk about what to look for in a guy, its important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes lead us down a bad path and into a toxic relationship.

Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you (it was certainly a recurring theme for me in my single life!) You meet someone, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.

After this encounter you can’tfor the life of youget this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with himwhat he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.

You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your stomach drops, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and shout for joy. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to say back to him, the perfect quip to show him that you’re perfect for each other.

The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling as it is exhausting. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a fear you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation looks, a fear that drives everything you say and do.

Now another scenario.

You meet a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his Facebook profile, but only for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or texts, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out a few times, not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama, no heart palpitations and it feels really nice.

Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?

Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.

In movies and romance novels, love is this grand, all-consuming force that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love conquers all! I mean, would any of us have cared for “The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.

Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull

Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive chemistry isnt what creates a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to great sex and feelings of euphoria, and you may come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term.

When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isnt exactly what you would term romantic. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably drawn to someone who isnt good for us.

Imago Theory

This theory, developed by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., posits that the pull we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships present the opportunity to heal ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.

How it pans out is something like this: if your parents always made you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who make you feel like youre not good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful feelings from your past.

If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a man who is very critical, trying to win his love and approval in order to heal from the hurt of your fathers rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we meet someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel (again, this happens unconsciously).

On a conscious level, you may assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the way he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.

You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For example, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.

Maybe this sounds a little too New Agey to you, or maybe it doesnt describe your situation at all, but its a powerful concept and it has gained a

lot of praise and recognition in the field of psychology so its worth considering. I know Ive seen some of this at play in my own dating life.

Infatuation

Being infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isnt based on anything real. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put someone on a pedestal and overlook his flaws. Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourselfI mean, how could your true self ever compete with perfection? You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.

Healthy Relationships Build Slowly

Healthy relationships usually begin with mutual interest and attraction that grows over time. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually start out with a grand light show that quickly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the way you date forever.

The most important trait to develop is objectivity. No one really talks about that because its not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent yourself from getting hurt, youll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you its a great idea to go for the bad boy whos just so dreamy, even when hes out on parole and struggling with addictions, or has told you he wont be in a committed relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesnt operate according to reason or rational. It makes you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you werent thinking, thats not what the heart does. OK, I know Im being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes later. In the beginning of a relationship, its best to remain as objective as possible and try to keep your emotions mostly contained.

The best way to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over time, rather than flooding you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.

If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.

It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared goals and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally invest, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the best way to do this is to go slowly. I dont necessarily mean physically, I mean emotionally.

When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some clich like “love conquers all” to justify staying with him.

I am not saying to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guythe infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life. (I’ve seen it happen countless times!)

Either way you have to date smart. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the object of your infatuation.

If you just met or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much time you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting sessions that go all day. When you do this, you never get a break from the emotional high and you dont get a chance to come back down and recalibrate.

So many girls make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him.

You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you see him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can recognize his flaws. The way you know you’re infatuated is if you see no flaws. has flaws.

Why It Matters

When you get in over your head, you may convince yourself that something like him wanting to live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. Someone who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.

I’ve seen (and personally experienced) many situations where a couple breaks up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginningtheyre different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want kids. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work out. Imagine how much time and effort they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of their hearts from the beginning.

Qualities That Make Him a Keeper

A lot of women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail why guys treat them badlywhy they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy to commit. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husbandor even relationshipmaterial and hoping that by some chance the men will suddenly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.

Trust me, I know all too well how enticing those damage cases can be. Sure, he has emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat boy even though his acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.

The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and needs when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to make the distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that arent good for you and dont fulfill your fundamental emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship.

When I hit that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the sake of dating and wanted to settle down and find “the one,” I realized that the kinds of guys I liked to date weren’t necessarily husband material, and I had to really examine my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage cases who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me.

Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most essential qualities you need to look for in a man, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.

He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will make him feel even closer to you.

He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine.

He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership, not a dictatorship. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you, not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we dont have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and preferences, but that’s what a relationship is.

He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and whiteusually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you (and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say its your problem and that this is just the way he is and you need to deal with it.

For example, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead just gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal.

You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it, not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He probably won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try.

He has similar beliefs and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be your life partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand (and vice versa) and that youre both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences.

Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because one person couldn’t deal with the other’s lack of ambition or motivation.

He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that team, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He sees you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there solely to satisfy his needs.

He respects everything about youyour thoughts, ambitions, opinions, the things you say, the company you keep, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person you are and the choices you have made.

He wants to make you happy. One of a mans most fundamental needs in a relationship is to make his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but its true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isnt real love. When a man shows he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real.

He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the boat. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also times when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication.

He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you (or commit in the way you want), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend his life with, he knows pretty early on. That’s not to say hell get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong time, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still convey his level of commitment; she won’t be left hanging and guessing and wondering.

If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for disappointment. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bring it up and discuss it with him. If he’s husband material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t then at least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman makes getting married a goal and I respect that. But Im speaking to those who want a lasting commitment, be it marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper.

But the Most Important Quality of All Is

He wants to make it work. Hes willing to put in any amount of effort. If there is a problem, he wants to find a way to solve it. He wants to work harder, to be better, to be his best self. The important thing to keep in mind is that people have different ideas about what it means to put effort into a relationship. He might believe that working hard and being good at his job is putting in effort because he wants to provide for you and give you nice things and a comfortable lifestyle. (I use this as an example because it’s a classic point of contention between men and women: she will often view him working too much as him putting no effort into the relationship and being married to his work).

I remember the exact moment I knew my husband was the one. After about a month of everything being perfect (as they usually are in the beginning), we had our first conflict. It was nothing major; we just started experiencing areas where our personalities clashed and seeing how we process things differently. I tend to be more intellectual and straightforward in my thinking, while he’s more emotional and dynamic in his thinking. I would get impatient with this, and my impatience was hurtful to him. The details don’t really matter, what matters is that I remember the way he brought the issue up and how sincere he was about working through things and getting to a place of better understanding.

I have seen countless variations of this kind of scenario: girl is dating a guy, things are going great (again, as they often do in the beginning), but then they hit that inevitable point of conflict. Maybe she acts needy or maybe he gets distant, but whatever happens suddenly things aren’t as seamless as they were the week before. Then he decides he can’t hang anymore and tells her he “doesn’t have time for a relationship” or he can’t give her what she needs. The girl racks her brain trying to figure out what she did wrong, what she could have done differently.

She thinks if she hadn’t been so needy, if she had been a little more chilled out, if she hadnt done this and instead done that. Really, the only way things would have turned out differently is if she had behaved perfectly according to his script, if shed never disagreed or been unhappy with him, if shed been perfectly in alignment with his thoughts and what he wanted in a partner. That sounds reasonable, right? (That’s sarcasm in case it didn’t come across!)

If a guy leaves when things get a little rocky, it means he is lacking in the most important quality you need in a partner, and that is a man who is committed not only to you, but to making it work. It’s easy to be in a relationship when everything is all sunshine and roses. The truth comes out after time goes on, when you let your guard down, when you can be more of yourselves instead of the absolute best version of yourselves. Even the best couples don’t seamlessly fit together. There is always a certain degree of work involved in order to create that deep and meaningful connection, and it has to come from both people.

When a guy is ready to settle down and sees you as a good potential partner, he wants to make it work. He wants to overcome the differences, to get to a place of better understanding. My husband and I are so different. The way we think and feel is different, and the way we communicate is different. In the beginning of our relationship this definitely caused problems, but now, after really committing to working on it, we have hit this amazing place of understanding and are so much more in sync. The differences still exist, but we were able to meet in the middle. Even when things got difficult, I wasn’t any less sure he was the guy for me because of how deeply committed he was to making it work.

A big mistake I see women making is blaming themselves when a relationship falls apart. They torture themselves with could haves and should haves. I should have been less needy, I should have been more agreeable, I could have been more supportive, etc. Yeah, you could have done all that, but it wouldn’t have mattered if he wasn’t committed to making it work.

There will always be differences, there will always be problems, you will not always behave exactly how he wants a partner to behave (same for him).

A relationship isn’t about finding the perfect match, it’s about finding someone you can form a meaningful, lasting partnership with. Notice the word form. It’s an active process; it doesn’t just exist. It’s about working together, being a team, and overcoming the challenges.

Some people have deal-breakers and that’s that. Maybe it’s religion or where to live or lifestyle preferences. But all the other stuffpersonality quirks, your nature, your ways of interacting in social settings, your fundamental traits … either he’s in it or he’s not. And if he’s not, then there is nothing you can do.

Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Every relationship is different and comes with a unique set of circumstances. However, there are some universal standards that indicate a guy isnt the right one for you, a few red flags that should never be ignored but usually are.

You Don’t Trust Him

Without trust, there is no relationship. Period. In a good, strong, healthy relationship you feel at ease. You feel safe. You feel secure. You do not feel constantly panicked and on edge, always anticipating the proverbial other shoe to drop.

If you don’t believe the things he tells you or are always questioning his motives and his whereabouts, there is something majorly amiss. You can’t spend your life constantly on the lookout; that’s just exhausting.

Sometimes a lack of trust develops because of something substantial. Maybe he cheated, maybe you caught him in a few too many lies. And sometimes it’s something that lingers in the pit of your gut. Even though you can’t quantify the reason, you just don’t feel like you can trust this person. Either way, it’s a big red flag and a major sign that your relationship isn’t going to last.

If he cheated on you or lied to you, then you’ll have to be honest with yourself when you decide if you can truly move past it and if you really, genuinely believe that he’ll never do the same thing again. If you can’t get to that place, then there isn’t much point in sticking it out. You’re just setting yourself up for a life in which you always feel paranoid and insecure. Relationships are supposed to bring out your best, not your worst.

If you can’t quite pinpoint the reason for your trust issues, you should listen to your gut. Our gut instincts can be incredibly powerful. Just make sure you aren’t projecting your own insecurities onto him and aren’t making him pay for the sins of a cheating/lying ex.

There Is No Depth of Connection

Sexual chemistry is great and is definitely important, but that alone can’t sustain a relationship. An amazing sex life is only one piece of the puzzle, yet for a lot of couples it’s the only leg the relationship has to stand on. I know so, so many women who got so engulfed by the intoxicating chemistry they experienced with their partner that they overlooked every sign that clearly showed he wasn’t the one and wasnt even that great of a person.

For a relationship to last, you need to have depth of connection. You need to know your partner intimately, and this goes way beyond his bedroom skills. You need to know who he is, what he wants out of life, and what his hopes, dreams, and fears are. You need to connect to each other in an honest, unguarded way.

Each person is composed of many layers. In our lives, some people see the surface layer, a select few see what lies beneath the exterior, and very few see straight to the core. Your life partner should be in the last group.

Knowing the basics about someone isn’t knowing who they are. If you know the same things about your guy as most of the other people in his life, then you don’t have much depth of connection. Fortunately, this issue is one that can be fixed. Try to make an effort to connect to him in a real way. If he resists, or you still don’t feel like youre connecting in a significant way, then it means he’s probably not that invested in you or the relationship. Or maybe you’re just not the right fit for one another.

Attraction and sexual chemistry are never enough to sustain a relationship. If that’s all you have thats fine, but you might want to move on if you’re serious about finding the one.

Lack of Respect

Respect is the most overlooked element when it comes to making a relationship work, but it’s one of the most essential. If you’re going to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship, you must respect your partner and he must respect you.

Respect is huge for guys. In fact, I’d say it’s the number one thing men want out of their relationship. Just as most women need to feel loved and adored, men need to feel respected and admired. A man needs to feel like the man; he needs to feel respected. If you don’t respect him or the way he lives his life, he will resent you and will not want to be with you long term.

At the same time, you need to be with a partner who respects you. This means he respects you as a person: your beliefs, your aspiration, and especially your boundaries.

Eye rolling has actually been shown by famous relationship researcher John Gottman to be a big predictor of divorce, and it’s no surprise eye rolling is a manifestation of contempt, which is the opposite of respect.

He Brings out Your Worst

As I mentioned earlier, relationships are supposed to bring out your best.

The sad fact is, a lot of women end up shackled to a person who brings out their worst.

Sometimes you might not even recognize the person that your relationship has turned you into. That was definitely the case for me many years back before I knew any better. I made the same mistake countless women make. I got so caught up in my feelings for the guy that I overlooked the fact that I didn’t really like myself all that much when I was around him.

Throughout the course of my yearlong relationship with Eric, I was unrecognizable from my previous confident, happy, positive self. Instead I felt insecure, panicked, anxious, and perpetually on edge, but I couldn’t let go because of my strong feelings for him. Those feelings locked me in a tight grip, and it was only when the relationship inevitably imploded that I was able to see just how toxic the situation truly was.

It wasn’t that he was a bad guy; he was just bad for me. It’s a fact that would have saved me years of heartache had I realized it sooner. While getting myself out of that relationship felt impossible, the end was always inevitable because we brought out the worst in each other.

The point is, a relationship should lift you higher, not drag you down. It should help you reach your potential and become the best version of yourself. Of course relationships can’t be all sunshine and roses all the time. They take patience and work. But this work leads to a positive place, a place of growth and understanding and more love and connection. Bad relationships are ones where the work involved is expending energy on fighting and arguing and trying to win. A relationship wont always feel perfect and pleasant, but overall it will help you grow into a better person, as long as youre with a good guy who is committed to making it work and loves and appreciates you for who you are.

He Doesn’t Take Responsibility

One of the biggest relationship red flags is when someone wont take responsibility for anything and instead blames you, maybe using a justification along the lines of, “Well I wouldn’t yell at you if you weren’t being so annoying.” Rather than admitting when hes wrong, he comes up with excuses and justifications for his behaviors and reasons to blame you.

One of the biggest indicators of psychopaths or sociopaths is not being able to take responsibility; its a fundamental lack of empathy that prevents them from ever being able to see the other persons perspective. However, it doesnt always start out this way. In the beginning hes enraptured by you and everything you do is right. Then suddenly he’s unhappy and he blames you for everything that’s wrong. If you erroneously reason that youre the problem, he may feed this mentality. You don’t inspire him enough, you don’t give him what he needs, you arent supportive enough, youre always negative. It’s always you, never him.

Im not saying every guy who cant take responsibility is a psycho; he could just be immature. But it is something to keep in mind because narcissists are out there and this is one of their key features.

Hes Selfish

I have a friend who was seeing a guy she really liked, and she continued to date him even though he was clearly a bit immature and selfish and not ready to settle down (we joked that he had her sexmotized and thats why she wasnt able to break free of his spell). There were signs of trouble all over the place, but most were little things and thats why they were easy to sweep under the rug.

For example, one night she suggested they go to a vegetarian Indian restaurant she loved, and he got all pissy and said there wasnt a point in going out for Indian food if he couldnt eat meat. Never mind the fact that he always chose the restaurants, that they always did what he wanted, that they always slept at his apartment because thats what he wanted, or the fact that he had told her to pick a place for dinner. It was the one time she got to decide something, and she was overruled because it wasnt what he wanted.

This may seem like a silly example, but it demonstrates the essence of selfishness, one that will continue to pop up when dealing with a selfish person. And in that relationship, it did, over and over until finally she couldnt take it anymore and ended it. (This launched the make-up and break-up cycle for a while, because thats what happens when you linger in a relationship with the wrong guy, but eventually they cut it off for good.)

Selfish people also tend to engage in selfish love. That is, they love you when you make them feel good; when youre behaving how they want you to, theyre the best partners ever. When you go off script, then they withdraw and wont do anything for you in a sort of tit-for-tat retaliation.

Thats not how a relationship works. A relationship isnt there to serve one person. Its a partnership and its about working together, not one person working for the other.

Let Your Gut Be Your Guide

I mentioned the importance of listening to your gut earlier and want to get into it a little deeper because its an essential skill, one that can keep you out of sticky situations. f At the end of the day, you usually already know the answers to your dating questions. The lists I provided of qualities to look for and red flags to watch out for can help you see things more clearly, maybe making it harder to hide from whats right in front of you, but oftentimes you already know. You know when a guy isnt worthy of youwhen youre wasting your time, when youre not being treated the way you would like to be treated or the way you know you deserve to be treatedbut you push this knowledge down because you just dont want to deal with it. You dont want to deal with a breakup, with putting yourself back on the market, with dating more guys, navigating the waters, trying to find a guy who cares about you. You dont want to because its exhausting! It seems somehow easier to stick with whats broken and try to just make it work.

In a good, strong, healthy relationship, you feel loved and secure. You don’t question whether your man is using you and if the things he says are genuine. You just feel at ease. Feeling constantly on edge, waiting anxiously for the other shoe to drop, is usually a sign that something is amiss and your instincts are trying to open your eyes to a reality you don’t want to see.

Your gut is a powerful tool in relationships. It’s something we all possess and it can be fine-tuned to work optimally. The way to get in touch with it is to listen to what it’s telling you. Listen to that small, quiet voice that gently tells you: “You deserve more than this, you don’t need this guy.”

The voice of your ego is loud and overpowering. It tells you “Of course hes the guy for you! So what if he disappears for days at a time, he told you that you were the most amazing women he’s ever met, so I mean, DUH! He loves you.”

Your ego shouts over the noise and convinces you that the outcome you want is reality because it has a lot at stake should this not be the case.

Most people allow their egos to get so entangled in their relationships that when the relationship collapses, their ego comes crashing down with it and then absolute misery ensues.

Our unconscious mind has a whole arsenal of information that our conscious mind doesn’t have easy access to. It has stored up pretty much everything that’s ever happened to us and makes decisions accordingly.

Have you ever met someone and liked him right away even though you barely knew him? Or maybe you meet someone who seems perfectly nice, but you just can’t stand her? This is the unconscious at work. The people we’re drawn to oftentimes remind us of people we’ve had positive encounters with in the past. So too with the people we don’t like right off the bat.

You can pick up on things subconsciously without even realizing it, and it will cause you to have a feeling that you can’t quite pinpoint or explain.

The point is, most of the time you already know the answer. The problem is that you wish it were a different answer so instead of accepting it you whittle away what you know with rationalizations.

Here are a few tips to help you get better acquainted with your gut:

Ask yourself a question and listen for the immediate answer. For example, if you’re debating whether or not to dump your boyfriend, ask yourself: “Should I break up with him?” and listen to what first pops into your head. The real answer will most often come first, and then the excuses and justifications will pile on top.

Make the decision and then listen to your body. If it’s a bad decision you’ll feel an aversion to it, usually in the pit of your stomach.

Check with a friend. It can help to get an outsider’s perspective because sometimes we can mistake wishful thinking for our gut instincts. Talk to a friend you trust for a dose of objectivity.

Practice mindfulness. Most people live their lives bouncing from one thing to the nextwork, errands, happy hour. There isn’t that much time to listen to our own thoughts. Try to stay mindful and conscious throughout the day and check in with yourself to see what you’re thinking and feeling. It also helps to set aside some reflection time. You can use this time to meditate, do yoga, journal, take a walk around the parkanything that will give you the space to check in with yourself.

Remember this: Choice is everything. It will largely determine if a relationship succeeds and lasts or fails and leaves you broken-hearted. The good news is that you have the power to choose the man you let into your life. Choose wisely!

Love doesnt have to be that hard, by Sabrina Alexis is available here.