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hilarychuff · 11 months ago

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20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @2btheanswertothequestion. ty for thinking of me!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

rn i have 23 but i have number 24 going up soon 😈

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

202,248

3. What fandoms do you write for?

rn i'm in my chrissy cunningham phase (stranger things) but i'm still in my overarching sansa stark phase (asoiaf). i have been known to do a rewatch and dip back into my jemma simmons phase (agents of shield). and i'll always sort of be in my lily evans phase (marauders).

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

i carry it in mine (asoiaf, jon/sansa canonish soulmate au)

all the best people see you (all the best people know) (stranger things, chrissy/robin s4 au)

i remember (i remember) (asoiaf, jon/sansa canon drabble)

in any world (in any way) (asoiaf, sansa-centric au graphics collection)

the royal records (asoiaf, jon princess diaries au)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

usually!! i really like getting comments and i guess i have assumed that having someone respond incentivizes them so i always want to incentivize comments!! i think it is i polite to say thank you also. and i mean i love to talk about my fic so i'm always like "oh y'all tryna chat????" but usually nobody is trying to chat back ahhahaha. sometimes i hide from comments if i'm feeling guilty about not updating something but i always appreciate comments and they're usually p motivating to me

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hmmm. most of my fics are like alternate media-based au concepts or lil oneshots or stories that are yet to have endings, so hard to say exactly which is angstiest.

i think my angstiest story is a pre-hydra reveal agents of shield one i did as a secret santa for someone where fitz was dead(?!!?!?) and grant ward showed up to bring jemma simmons back to the team and that was yeaaaaars ago but whenever i think of it i'm always like ok wow i hope that is what that person wanted. what bold choices to make in a gift for a stranger!!

other than thaaat i do think of i carry it in mine as a fairly angsty fic but it's intended to have a not so angsty ending so

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

well please trust that any princess diaries or miss congeniality au is going to end up with the main ship getting together, presumably happily for the rest of their lives!! desert hearts (aka all the best people see you all the best people know) is heading towards a happy ending. howl (sansa-centric scream au) i think will have roughly as happy an ending as any horror movie final girl can hope for.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

ummmm not really. i definitely have but the only time it felt like anything other than a one-off was when i essentially started tumblr beef by wandering into the wrong tag. and that was not fun and people were hating on their own blogs for a min BUT it died down and nobody really went out of their way to bother me directly about it after that, so it was not ideal but it was fine. tagging etiquette is tricky!!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

hmmmmmmmm historically no. but i have outlined smut!! and i'm thinking about actually writing some maybe even soon!! it's interesting bc i've discussed smut with friends and edited for them and used to roleplay and write smut scenes and that all felt fine but i haven't yet wrapped my head around the idea of being like "this is my little smut scene i made up all by myself and now i'm broadcasting it to the masses." feels like i'm opening myself up to psychoanalysis!! but also maybe once i actually write the smut scene i'll be like oh. no biggie. ok post. so we'll see hahahahah

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

not crossovers in the traditional sense but crossovers in the sense that i pick up my little blorbos and cast them in other tv shows/movies/etc, yes, constantly.

i mentioned howl above but i love that one, my sansa-centric scream au. i love jon snow mia thermopolis princess diaries hahahahah. i think it's cute and funny. i love using robin and chrissy from stranger things to make miss congeniality gay. the fic i'm posting in a few days for the stranger things rare pair big bang is also about robin and chrissy in a lil reality tv verse, so that one is really fun and silly and sweet too i think.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i don't think so! the only time anything like this has happened to me was like a tumblr rp blog misunderstanding a long time ago.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no but that would be cool!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no but i started writing mainly through role playing! so that was co-writing just in a different sense, and i miss that. it's also just really fun to talk about ideas and stuff with friends and then not always actually have to write them. i do play around with concepts a lot with @mistysharks and @beholdthemem for chrissy and the stranger things teen crew, and @cellsshapedlikestars and i also help each other brainstorm sansa and jon related asoiaf stuff which i always super appreciate

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

i'm more of a favorite ship per fandom kind of gal than a favorite ship over all, but i'm also a multishipper in that i can kind of get into my main blorbos with anyone. i'm super still in my chrissy phase rn and i love writing her with robin, but also in a lil steve/chrissy/eddie ot3. that said i feel like i mainly read hellcheer!!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i hope it doesn't surprise anyone to hear that i DO have designs to finish i carry it in mine!! and howl. and desert hearts. like i have specific enough endings in mind that i am working towards for all of those.

the wip that i wish i could finish but know i never will is my marauders mediator series au based on the meg cabot books where lily can talk to ghosts and james is a ghost. i started writing it like back in 2015!! and then even started rewriting it in 2020. and i still love it. but it would be a big project to take on and one that would take a lot more work to figure out, let alone just write, and i don't really see it happening. that said i will always love it!!!

i also started a resurrection au marauders story where lily etc all start coming back to life when harry is like 24 so seven years after the end of the books, and i always thought the like emotional drama in that was so slay too. but the resurrection show itself never really had good answers for the paranormal plot/how it would play out and so i didn't have anything to crib off of lmao. and i never really invested much thought into figuring it out myself iirc. so i never really knew like plotwise where i wanted it to go so much as i was just like "how would the characters react if this happened" but i did like that thought exercise. maybe i would've written more if it would've felt like that would be satisfying to read for other people without actual like. plot.

16. What are your writing strengths?

ummm i'm really interested in like. character profiles. so i think i tend to gravitate towards that sort of story personally. a character figuring themselves/what they want out.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

low key i just like almost never write physical description stuff into my stories?? like it's all fanfiction so i'm like ok first of all you already know what everybody looks like. it takes a lot more active effort for me to be like. does the reader need to know what the character looks like right now?? does the reader need to have a clear vision of where the characters are?? what the room looks like?? i could probably afford to do that more but i find that i tend to skip it a lot

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

hmmm i really only have one fic where that might apply i think. i'd probs try to do it minimally bc i wouldn't want to do a bad job but if it's just one line i could see myself just, you know, doing google translate if i don't know a speaker i can run it by

19. First fandom you wrote for?

harry potter!! i found my way to marauders era pretty quick.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

i have a lot of love and tenderness in my heart for desert hearts and i carry it in mine. so far those are like my heart-squeezey fics imo. but i also love howl!!! a combination of some of my favorite interests and stories. i feel like these are my main three wips too so i gotta just keep tinkering away until a new chapter falls out. hopefully sooner than later for desert hearts and i carry it in mine, which i have in fact been reorganizing a lil lately!!

anyway!!

ty again for the tag @2btheanswertothequestion!! if you want to do this: @cellsshapedlikestars @mistysharks @beholdthemem @chdarling

#my writing #my fics #tag meme

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ghostbustermelanieking · 5 years ago

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snippets from an msr historical au

cleaning out my 2019 fic closet lol. this is excerpts of a historical au i did, based on a short au prompt i wrote in june here. it takes place in 1850s new york where scully and emily are irish immigrants who befriend mulder when he offers to tutor emily. i wrote these snippets months ago and it'll probably go unfinished, but i liked it too much to not share. so here is my scattered sense of world building.

---

Melissa had been the one to suggest the name. She had been there in the birthing room, the only one left after her mother had traveled to America with Bill and her father was gone and Charlie was in England. Daniel had been elsewhere, of course, it wasn't proper for husbands to be in the birthing room, and he upheld tradition stronger than she did, so it was Melissa and her friend the midwife, Melissa holding her hand, Melissa handing her the squalling babe. She had passed out from the pain and felt a rush of relief when she woke up again; she had feared she wouldn't wake up again after it was all over. She knew many women who had never met their children. Melissa had brought the baby back, the tiny child with their mother's eyes and a patch of bright hair, and Dana had filled with relief. If she had no one else in this marriage, which had long grown sour, she would have her daughter.

Melissa had suggested Emily because she loved Wuthering Heights, recently republished under the true name of its author. "It's a beautiful name, Dana, and perhaps, if she's lucky, she'll receive even an ounce of the creativity that comes with it," she had said, clutching the tiny hand in hers. "What a wonderful thing that would be."

That had been enough to convince her. Emily Margaret, she'd said, for her mother, far away in the heartlands of a country she would never see, and for her stepdaughter, who hated her fiercely, though she didn't live with them anymore. The girl hated her, for taking the place of her mother, but Dana saw it as a chance to make peace with the both of them. It did not work, though; Maggie had not had any interest in her sister, or in her stepmother, and Dana had long given up trying. Given up on the whole family, her husband included: he took little interest in her or his daughter, and when he did, it was in a possessive sort of manner that made her skin crawl. The medical lessons she'd received as a young woman were long gone, and he saw her only as the keeper of the house and of his child. He wanted more, but she refused.

When he'd died on the voyage over, a small, shameful part of her had been relieved. She would not have to pretend to love him anymore, to feel the same way as she had all those years before. But she had feared so greatly for her daughter, that the illness would take one of them, too. She knew life would be hard without a husband, as was the cruel and unfair way of the world (her mother had told her as a little girl as she braided her hair), but it would be impossible for Emily without her. She would end up alone in some horrible orphanage, neglected and abandoned. And Dana could not imagine life without her daughter now, imagine being alone in the city she'd heard so much about. She could not go out west alone, and she could not survive alone. She remembered lying in her small, cold, hard bunk, holding Emily's small figure close, her lips to her hot forehead and murmuring a prayer. And God had heard her prayers. Her daughter had lived, and she looked more and more like Melissa every day.

Emily often has questions about this, the family she will never know. When the two of them are lying in their bed, behind the makeshifts wall John had built to separate their tiny space from the rest of the equally tiny apartment (he and Barbara sleep in a bed on the other side, adjacent to the stove, and their boy Luke sleeps in a pallet on the floor), she will whisper questions about her father, her half sister, her aunt and her uncles and her grandparents. But it is often Daniel and Maggie, the family she will never know. "Did they love me?" she whispers. "Was Papa kind? Was Maggie beautiful?"

Dana offers some truths and some falsehoods, knowing she will never see either of them again, and therefore her stories will never be contradicted. Yes, Maggie was beautiful, although she mostly remembers a girl not ten years younger than her calling her a whore and a witch and a false mother. Yes, they loved her. No, Emily will never know her sister, because though she did love Emily (although Dana does not know if this is true), she did not feel the same for Dana. There is a picture that Daniel had made before they went, of Maggie, her hair combed nearly and gathered up, wearing her best dress, her cheeks thin, and Emily sitting on her lap, her face twisted with displeasure at having to sit still for quite so long. Emily loves to look at it, and of the faded portrait of the two of them on their wedding day, though Dana does not feel the same. But she allows Emily these frivolities. She cannot give her much more than that.

---

She meets him by accident one Sunday, her one and only day off from the factory. She and Emily go to Mass every Sunday, of course, and then she spends much of the day helping Barbara to clean, cook, do the laundry (she always does hers and Emily's, at least; though Barbara has the time in the day to do it, she will not accept the favor). She takes a rest, sometimes, or she spends time with Emily, playing jacks or cards (Luke Doggett taught her to gamble, and she cannot shake the habit), or with the worn rag doll she and Melissa had made for her in Ireland, or reading to her. Her favorite is a newer one by a man named Melville. Dana relishes the time alone with her daughter, as she is often too tired to do anything like this after work. She has meant to teach Emily to read and write herself, considering that she's too young to start school yet, and John claims that most children already know a bit before they begin school, but she's barely had the time to teach her more than a few words. Sometimes on Sundays, they have a brief lesson, but there is so little time in the week.

One Sunday, after Dana has hung the laundry, and scrubbed the floor, and washed the dishes, she decides to go and find Emily, thinking they can read another chapter of Melville, perhaps. (She likes the book, she will admit; it reminds her of her father and his stories of the sea.) She expects to find Emily on the tail of Luke and his friends—they are much older than her, but her lonely girl still follows her around like he is the brother she'll never have—but Luke claims he has not seen her. She finds her, finally, on the steps of the building, an old reader Luke had kept open on her lap, squinting furiously at the page. A man is sitting beside her, pointing out the words on the page, speaking in a calm and patient voice. Dana recognizes the man immediately as their neighbor, Mr. Mulder, a schoolteacher who she has spoken to in the hall before. She's seen him occasionally playing with the young boys in the building, or talking with the men and women about books, plays, politics, scientific discoveries. She'd had a particular long discussion with him once on the effects of anesthesia in medicine, which Daniel had commented on several times.

"Emily," she says, and Emily scrambles to her feet and runs to her side, beaming with excitement. "Mama, this is Mr. Mulder, the schoolteacher," she says in a rush, tugging at her skirt. "He saw me trying to read and he offered to help!"

"He did?" She strokes the top of her daughter's head, messy from where she's taken it out of her braids, stealing a look at the man.

"My apologies, Miss Scully," Mr. Mulder offers, getting to his feet. "I didn't mean to intrude… I only wanted to help, if I could."

"It's not an intrusion," Dana says, but she is still wary. "I have been trying to teach her, but I often cannot find the time, and she's so desperate to learn. She's still too young for school yet." And privately, Dana worries about what Emily will go through when she enters school, considering the anger New Yorkers have for immigrants. There is a Catholic school she's looking at, simply because it seems like the best option, but it still is too easy to worry.

"Mama," Emily whispers, tugging her skirt again as if she finds her embarrassing.

Mr. Mulder smiles a bit. "Your daughter is very intelligent. She should have no trouble catching up."

"I'm six years old," Emily informs Mr. Mulder, her back automatically straightening as if to look older. "In a year's time, Mama says she can put me in school."

"I'm sure you're very excited," Mr. Mulder says, without even a hint of indulgence in his voice. Emily nods, a little shyly. Mr. Mulder seems to be thinking a bit on the subject, but he speaks soon after. "Perhaps if your mother permits it," he says, speaking as much to Dana as to Emily, "I could tutor you in my spare time. Teach you your letters and give you a head start on reading."

Emily's eyes light up, shyness forgotten, and she tugs pleadingly on Dana's skirt. "That would be wonderful!" she breathes. "Please, Mama, can't I do it?"

"I don't know, Em… I wouldn't want to impose on Mr. Mulder's time." The man certainly seems smart enough to educate her daughter, but it seems too large a favor to ask of a complete stranger. It is also worth noting that she doesn't know the man very well outside of polite conversations in the hallway. She offers Mr. Mulder an apologetic smile.

"It's not an imposition at all," he says. "I would be glad to do it."

Dana bites her lower lip, her hand on her daughter's boney shoulder. "I-I could not afford to pay you anything," she says softly, although that may be obvious. None of them are wealthy—that is why they live here. But she may be a step down from the rest, staying in the corner of a friend's apartment with a screen instead of a wall, using her meager earnings to buy unsubstantial meals and pay a portion of the rent. If she had the money, she would get Emily and herself their own place, but she's got something of a disadvantage in that area. There isn't much she can do to rectify it.

Mr. Mulder shakes his head immediately. "No money is required," he says, his voice full of sincerity. "I would be glad to do it as a favor."

"I could not ask that of you…" she tries, but he halts her protests quickly. "Do not worry about it," he says. "When I was younger, my little sister was not allowed to go to school as I was, and she wanted to learn as badly as Emily. I tried to teach her, but I wasn't very good at it." He offers a rueful little smile. "I would be glad to be able to give someone else the opportunity where I couldn't give it to her."

Emily tugs at her skirt again and whispers, "Please."

Dana chews her lower lip again and sighs. "If you are absolutely sure it would not be a problem, Mr. Mulder," she says. "I know Emily would appreciate that very much."

Overjoyed, Emily bounces up and down on her toes with excitement. Mr. Mulder smiles at the both of them widely. "I can assure you it won't be a problem, Miss Scully," he tells her. "It will be my pleasure."

---

They practice reading each night, at least for a little while. Even when Dana is so tired she can scarcely keep her eyes open, they spend a few minutes going over Mr. Mulder's lessons, if nothing else. Emily has always been a fast learner, and within a couple of months, she is able to stumble through a page or two of Moby-Dick. Dana is incredibly proud. She can remember her own lessons in reading and other forms of education: her father had taught her often when she was younger, alongside Billy and Melissa, but the lessons had more or less stopped at a certain point. Past that, she had more or less taught herself with books of her father's, watching Bill and her father as they worked, more books still from Daniel's vast library. She never wanted that lapse in education for her daughter; it may be inevitable at some point, but she'll do what she can to prevent it.

Emily seems to adore Mr. Mulder as much as she does the lessons. "He is funny, Mama," she tells her in the second week, after she's retrieved her and thanked Mr. Mulder profusely. "And kind, just like John is. Much kinder than the other men in the building. Luke says he's the best schoolteacher he's ever had, and he's very smart and fair to the other children."

"He sounds very nice," says Dana, swinging their hands between them.

"He is." She looks up at her with Missy's eyes. "Was Papa like that?" she asks.

Her voice is so high and innocent, it makes Dana want to cry. No, she thinks, biting her lower lip. She says out loud, "I-I could not say, Em. I don't know Mr. Mulder well enough to make a comparison between him and your father."

Emily nods, her face serious. She looks down at her shoes, almost self-consciously. "I would like to believe that Papa was like Mr. Mulder," she says softly, and Dana squeezes her daughter's hand tightly. "I-I imagine him reading to me some nights, and helping me read. Y-you could take turns. And he could buy me pretty things, perhaps, and teach me all that he knows, like John does for Luke. Do you think he would have, Mama?"

"I know he would have," says Dana. It may be a bit of a lie, but that hardly seems to matter as much as her daughter's happiness.

---

Mulder had done it, originally, because Emily Scully reminded her of his sister. He'd seen her as often as the other children in the apartment building, sometimes hovering after Luke Doggett the way that Samantha had followed him. But more often, he'd seen her by herself, playing alone on the front steps with a ragged doll in hand, or trying desperately to read, hunched over a ragged old reader and struggling out loud to sound out words, dress muddy, pigtails unraveling. And he had thought of Samantha, sneaking reading lessons in the back of their immaculate library, trying to climb up a tree and ripping a hole in her stockings. It had been enough to cause him to offer up free tutoring, on an impulse, remembering his sister and how frustrated she used to get whenever he would leave for school and she would have to stay home. He hadn't been lying about that.

But a part of it was because of his admiration for her mother, Miss Dana Scully, who he'd seen in the halls often beforehand. She is beautiful, and intelligent, and there is something about her that simply draws Mulder to her, in a way he cannot explain. He is sure it won't go anywhere past friendship—Emily has reported that her father died only a few years before, on their trip over from Ireland, and Mulder himself has never particularly expected to be married—but he still enjoys any opportunity to spend time in her company. Particularly the talks they have when she drops by to retrieve Emily after shifts at the factory; they often last long, while they discuss books or plays or scientific theories, anything of the sort. Sometimes, he will ask Emily and Miss Scully to stay and share in his supper, sparse as it is; other times, Miss Scully will invite him to share leftovers of John Doggett's, or whatever cooking she has done herself. Sometimes, he fears he is bothering her, but other times, it seems as if she might like him a bit, too. He cannot tell for sure.

He tells himself it does not matter. He is here mostly to save money, so that he can travel. He hears there is opportunity in the west, but he would be fooling himself if he cited that as the reason. It does not matter to him where he ends up; all that matters is that he finds his sister and brings her home, after all of these years.

But still, he enjoys tutoring Emily. She's a bright young girl, a quick learner, and sweet. He does not know anything of her father aside from his death, but she still undeniably resembles her mother in every way he can see. He teaches her a bit of mathematics after she's gained some talent in reading and writing, and she enjoys that immensely. She has a load of questions for him every time she sees him: about stars, about history, about how things work and why they happen and where places are. Sometimes, Miss Scully will answer her before he can even open his mouth, blushing a little after and looking at him as if to see if he minds. He never does.

---

She shows up at his door after midnight, her face white, shaking. Emily at her side, curled into her with a blanket wrapped around her shoulder, her face hidden in Miss Scully's skirt, crying softly. For a second, Mulder doesn't know what to do, what to say. "Miss Scully, is… is everything okay?" he stammers, clutching his door in one hand. He sees a sudden splotch of red on her dress, alarming and bright. "Are you hurt?" he stammers.

She's shaking her head. "No, no, Mr. Mulder, it's not that, it's just…" She swallows hard, her eyes wide and helpless. "I-I need you to take care of Emily. I need to leave her here. Please."

Emily seems to clutch Miss Scully's skirt harder at that, shaking her head and crying more frantically. She mumbles something that sounds a bit like, "Don't leave me, Mama, don't leave me."

Mulder takes a sharp breath and opens the door wider. "Come in, come in," he says, and Miss Scully does, stroking Emily's mussed hair with quivering fingers. "W-what has happened, Miss Scully? Perhaps I can help."

Miss Scully clenches her chin and shakes her head, her face turned down towards her daughter. "I-I cannot… I do not have time for this, Mr. Mulder. I… Please. Please, Mr. Mulder, I have to leave, they will be coming for me."

"Who?" On an impulse, he reaches out and takes her free hand. It is cold and soft, and as he draws it closer, he sees the same glimpses of red, red crescents under her fingernails. "Who is it, Miss Scully? Who is coming for you?"

Emily's sobs are heart wrenching, even muffled by Miss Scully's skirt. Miss Scully looks to be on the verge of tears herself. She does not pull her hand away. "The… the police," she whispers.

"The police?" Mulder's mind tightens in fear as he remembers something suddenly, something he has often forgotten: the Irish are not well liked here. He wonders if these prejudices have somehow found the Scullys. "What has happened?"

Miss Scully bites her lower lip before lifting her chin so that her clear, blue eyes meet his. "There… there was a fight at a bar," she says tentatively. "John's son was involved, and so he intervened, and was injured. They followed him home. I… intervened, and I… harmed a man in an attempt to protect the Doggetts and my daughter." Her chin quivers once, steadies. She presses a hand over her daughter's head, spreading her fingers over her scalp. "He's dead," she whispers. "And he… he was police. So they'll be coming for me, to arrest me, and I… I will not find mercy here. I have learned that much."

His mind racing, he stammers, "But that… that is not murder, Miss Scully… that is self defense. A-any jury would see that."

She laughs bitterly. "But who can prove it? Emily did not see, and Barbara and John had already slipped down the fire escape. The only witnesses are the men who would have me arrested. And I will be convicted. Americans do not have any sympathy for women of my background." She swallows again, her pale white throat, a bruise blooming underneath her jaw. The sight of it makes Mulder furious. He is still clutching her limp hand. "S-so I am begging you, please take my daughter," she whispers. "She adores you. Take her, a-and take the money I have saved, and you can send her west, to my brother's house… I have to go. If they catch me, I can't let them get her. And if I escape…"

"Please, Mama, please don't go," Emily whimpers, drawing back, her cheeks smeared her tears. "Don't leave me alone, Mama, please."

"I have to, sweetheart." Miss Scully leans down to kiss her daughter's hair. Mulder can see her tears falling, glistening in the candlelight. "I must. But you will be safe here…"

"I cannot do this," says Mulder, speaking abruptly, almost without thinking.

Miss Scully's eyes widen with horror, and she pulls back her hand as she looks up at him. "You… you will not help me?" she whispers furiously. "After everything, I-I thought you cared for my daughter… cared for me, as a friend…"

"N-no, Miss Scully, y-you misunderstand," he stammers, his eyes wide. "I will protect Emily, of course I will protect Emily, but I… I will not leave you to be arrested."

Her eyes widen in surprise. "You are foolish to offer this," she whispers. "If they catch me… you cannot hide me here, Mr. Mulder."

"I cannot," he agrees. "But I can get you out of the city. You and your daughter both." His mind is racing, full of ideas. "I-I have friends I trust, a house I could take you to tonight. And tomorrow, we-we could go to my mother's house, in Massachusetts, for the time being. The two of you could stay there until… until we figure out a way to get you to your brother's."

Miss Scully is quiet, her eyes wide. Emily, leaning into her mother, is looking between the two of them curiously, like she is hopeful that this will happen. "You will be safe," Mulder adds. "Both of you. I promise you that."

"I could not ask that of you, Mr. Mulder," Miss Scully whispers. "It is too much."

"It's not." Mulder thinks of the money, put aside to search for Samantha. Enough for three train tickets north at least, if not a little left over after to fund a trip to wherever Miss Scully's brother is. A part of him is reluctant to spend the money he has been saving for so long—part of him feels like he is abandoning his sister, his family—but the rest of him is remembering Samantha at seven, at eight, more caring and compassionate than anyone in his family. She rescued animals (kittens, baby birds, piglets from the barn), knitted things with their mother to send to the local orphanage, shared her food with the servants on occasion and stole food from the pantry for the family down the road who never had enough food. She would want him to help them; he can still picture her wide, teary eyes, her weepy voice prodding him to help them, help them, Fox. And he wants to. He looks at Dana Scully and her daughter, the best companions he's found in the past few months, and he knows immediately that he must help them. He has no choice.

"I have money," he says out loud. "I can get you out of the city. I can help you. Both of you."

"Please, Mama, you must come with us. We can't leave you all alone." Emily hugs her mother hard around the waist, sniffling loudly. "I need you, Mama, please."

Miss Scully looks to her daughter, and then back to Mulder. Her eyes are still wide with fear. She sighs a little, tensely, and whispers, "I'll need to pack some things. My savings…"

"If you tell me what you need, I'll go and get it. You should not have to go back there."

Miss Scully rattles off a list in a quivering voice: clothes for the both of them, a knife that her father gave her, her bundle of coins underneath the bed. Emily tugs on his sleeve and adds softly, "And my dolly, please. And the picture of my sister Maggie, and of Mama's family. There's two of them."

Mulder slips out of his apartment and into theirs and finds it all, bundling it into a ragged carpet bag. He grabs their coats, too, and the family Bible under the bed, and a pistol he finds in John Doggett's part of the apartment. He tucks the pistol into his waistband and goes back to his apartment, where he finds the girls sitting on his bed, Emily curled up asleep in her mother's lap. "There is no need to wake her," he says when he sees Miss Scully moving to do just that. "I can carry her. It may be easier if she is asleep."

She nods, taking the carpet bag from his hands. "I… I cannot begin to thank you, Mr. Mulder," she whispers, shifting Emily off of her lap and standing.

He's begun to gather his own things, shoving his feet into his boots, retrieving his own savings. He puts a few books he cannot bear to part with into his bag, and a drawing he's held onto for years now, a portrait his father commissioned of Samantha. Photography was not in fashion when he and his sister were growing up, and so this drawing is the only memory he has as to what she looked like. "There is no need for thanks."

"You've done too much for us," Miss Scully whispers. She's put on her coat, and Emily's coat, and now she is tying a piece of cloth over her head—he assumes, to hide her bright hair. Her voice, soft as it's been all night, sounds a little different, as if she's trying to sand off the edges of the accent, attempting to sound different. "I… will find a way someday to repay you."

"It is not at all necessary." He shoulders his bag, grabs his hat and pulls it onto his head, before leaning down and scooping up Emily. She is a bit tall to be carried, but much lighter than he expected, barely weighing anything in his arms. She stays asleep, her coat and the blanket hanging off of her lightly. He shifts her in his arms and turns back to Miss Scully. "Shall we go?"

Miss Scully nods, her fingers rushing to button her coat. She grabs her carpet bag, clutching it to her chest, and trails out of the apartment after him.

---

She was twenty-one the first time she was married, at the end of the famine that had plagued her teenage years. She remembered being frightened, if only a little bit. She'd met Daniel a few times beforehand, and though at the time he'd seemed kind and honorable, she found it bizarre that his young daughter was only seven years younger than her. Practically the right age enough to court her younger brother. She hadn't wanted it for herself, it was the last thing she'd wanted in a way, and yet she could not protest. She could feel her mother watching Melissa as she helped her to get ready, and knew she was thinking about the disappointment Melissa had given her by refusing to marry, even driving away potential suitors. Her sister was going to have the life she wanted, and Dana was going to take her place as the honorable daughter, the one who did what she was supposed to do and did not argue. She wasn't marrying Daniel Waterston for herself, but for her father, because it was what he wanted, and she could not stand to let him or her mother down. Her father walked her down the aisle, and she wore the veil her mother had worn when she'd gotten married, and she'd wished to be somewhere else.

Now here she is again, in front of an altar with a man, but her father is dead, and she hasn't seen her mother or sister in years, and her daughter sleeps in the room upstairs, and she is twenty-eight and grimy and dressed in a dress that is too large for her because her own dress has bloodstains on it. She does not feel like a bride. The only good difference, she thinks, is that she knows her husband-to-be better than she perhaps ever knew Daniel. She knows he is intelligent and kind, and willing to protect herself and her daughter. And no matter the reason for this impromptu, inconvenient marriage, she is glad for at least that.

Mr. Mulder is holding her hands, so gently in his, and he's not quite meeting her eyes, but she can still see kindness in his face. She doesn't quite have the courage to look at him, either, and so she looks down at her boots. Mr. Frohike, their witness, stands in the corner. The preacher, a friend of Mr. Frohike, stands before them without asking questions. He simply opens the Bible and says the words, all the right ones. Dana and Mr. Mulder say what they are meant to, too, and then it is done. They do not kiss, not even chastely. There is no music or flowers or white dresses. Dana could not care less.

Just before the ceremony, Mr. Mulder leaned down to whisper in her ear, saying, "I promise you I will be a gentleman, Miss Scully. This marriage is for the safety of you and your daughter. It doesn’t have to mean a thing."

She blushed immediately, heat rising on her cheeks, and looked to the ground. "I cannot thank you enough, Mr. Mulder," she had said softly. "And you need not worry. I trust you."

When she looked back at him, he was smiling. "Perhaps we should do away with the formalities, Miss Scully."

"Perhaps," she had agreed, a bit amused. "I won't be a Miss anymore, after all." She offered him a small smile back, still unbelieving that he was helping her so much, that he was willing to hide and marry a murderess. A man she barely knew. "Shall I call you Fox?" she asks.

Mr. Mulder had flinched, just a bit, and shook his head. "Perhaps… just Mulder, if you do not mind. I have never liked my first name, and most people I know call me Mulder."

It's unusual, but it's no more unusual than the rest of this situation. Dana smiles and nods. "Well, you may call me Dana or Scully, I suppose," she said lightly, unsure of why except that he has always called her Miss Scully, like she has always called him Mr. Mulder. "Whichever appeals to you."

"Which appeals to you more, Miss Scully?" he'd asked, teasing, and then the preacher had been ready, and now here they are.

Once, she had believed she would never get married again. Now, she is married, and she has no idea whether or not it counts.

Mr. Mulder—Mulder—keeps hold of her hand as they go back upstairs to Emily. It's the first time anyone has held her hand in years, and she is surprised by how nice it feels, his warm and callused fingers wrapped around hers. Daniel's hands had been cool, his touch unyielding, his voice the same faux-polite sound it always was as he talked to everyone but her. Mulder's hands are gentle, holding her hand carefully—not as if it is fragile and may break, but as if it is something precious, something he cares for. She knows this is not quite the case, it cannot be, but it is nice to pretend, for just a moment, that this is a true marriage, that she and Mulder love each other as a husband and wife should.

#i miss writing for this fandom sometimes... it and asoiaf are fun but this is so comfy #xf fanfic #i wrote this

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sdwolfpup · 4 years ago

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Fic Writer Interview

I was tagged by @bussdowntarthiana and @forbiddenfantasies1 and possibly someone else but the last few weeks are a blur.

Name: sdwolfpup although I also go by sdw (and wen calls me sdwp which I love); I don’t use my real name in public fannish spaces for many and varied reasons

Fandoms: The fandom I’m active in now is obviously Jaime/Brienne fandom from ASOIAF books/Game of Thrones, but fandoms I’ve written for include Z Nation, due South, Hard Core Logo, Slings & Arrows, Prison Break, Mass Effect Andromeda, and Dragon Age: Inquisition. I’ve vidded in even more than those, but this is fic, so. Oh! And I wrote 10th Kingdom fanfic way back in the day.

Where you post: Archive of Our Own. I tried to transfer all of my fic on LJ to AO3 as well.

Most popular one-shot: I’m not sure how we’re counting ‘popular’ here - kudos? comments? hits? For hits, it’s The Unicorn Incident. For kudos it’s Lonely Makes A Heart Ruthless (y’all love your PWP, I’m so proud of you). For comments it’s &lit. Wild how they’re all different.

Most Popular Multi-chapter: For multi-chapter, most hits, kudos, and comments are all Heart Full of Gasoline.

Fic You Were Nervous to Post: Geeze, all of them probably at some point or another. I was really nervous about posting the first chapter of I need your sway because it was relatively early in my fandom time here (2 months) and Jaime/Brienne/Cersei and quite smutty. I’m still honestly amazed and grateful any of you read it.

How Do You Choose Your Titles?: Song lyrics 90% of the time; poems and random inspiration the other 10%. I almost always choose titles in the middle of writing the fic.

Do You Outline?: For short fics, no. I usually have an idea and just start writing. As soon as a fic gets beyond two chapters, I always outline, every single time. The length & complexity of the story dictates how complex the outline will be; Go On has an outline but it’s much less intense than Baby I Will’s, which is less pretty intensive now, but still less intense than HFoG’s.

Complete: 92 fics. The other works on my AO3 account are vids.

Do You Take Prompts?: I will do prompt memes occasionally (I have to be careful of these; they inevitably end up with at least one too-long answer that’s become a full fic and at least 2-5 new ideas for my later list). I am totally happy to receive prompts randomly, but given the nature of how my brain works, they will sit in my To Write list for a long time until the urge hits me, if it ever does. Which is to say: unless it’s a prompt for a follow-on or missing scene from one of my own fics, if you desperately want to see something written I may not be the right writer to send it to. Heh. Though you’re always welcome! Sometimes it’s fun to just spitball something quickly.

In progress: I’m actively working on Baby I Will (country singer Jaime) and my solarpunk AU for auntie-social. I’ve got 7 fics I’ve started that I will finish, and another 4 I’ve started that I’d like to finish that I’m not convinced I will. Oh god and the frigging Wiggles AU which was a funny joke but I have thought of it more frequently than a joke deserves and I know what that means.

Coming soon: My smut swap fic, once I figure out what it’s gonna be; the rest of the Solarpunk AU, more of Baby I Will, and once BIW is done, the book canon fic I have two chapters of that haunts me. (Honestly I would have written that one first if I’d known BIW was going to be the 100k+ giant that it’s become. I did NOT plan for that.)

I’m suppose to tag other people but idk who’s done this! I apologize if I’m double-tagging you. @brynnmck @agirlnamedkeith @firesign23 @kiraziwrites @naomignome @potatothecat @wildlingoftarth @ilikeblue and anyone who wants to say I tagged them!

#memes #fic writer interview #my fic #listen...brienne brought in as the first woman wiggle (yellow ofc like emma)#jaime is the jaded old blue wiggle who's been around through all the changes #IT BASICALLY WRITES ITSELF #although brienne will probably be the blue wiggle and jaime will be the red wiggle #i know too much about the real wiggles #did you know emma and lachey broke up?#i wish them well

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sansacherie · 4 years ago

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My Favorite Blogs

So a couple days ago marked a year since I joined Tumblr. Although it was a different account, I’m still counting it. Anyway I thought I’d make a list of my top 9 ASOIAF/GOT blogs, because that was one of the reasons why I joined in the first place. Also I love every blog that I follow and I’d include them all if I could.

In no particular order-

1. @rougeam Their meta is really good and I love their dark sense of humor.

2. @azullarks I really love their metas as well (especially on Young Griff and Arianne) i also love their blog because like @sayruq i know they’ll be martell content.

3. @gumx395 Gum is fun to talk to and she knows what she’s talking about when pointing out the racism in Dany’s storyline. She’s just cool in general.

4. @bugaboo-valerie I really love talking to Val in general about the books/show and swapping ideas about fanfiction we want to write.

5. @cleverjonquil i always liked cat but cleverjonquil is probably the reason why i stan hard for her now. She’s corrupted me with getting me to love the inferior trouts

6. @thestarkbitch really cool and down to earth kind of person. what i also appreciate about their blog is that both her and rougeam are arya stans but i can go on their blog and enjoy arya content without having to worry that sansa isn’t going to be attacked/demeaned in the process.

7. @sayruq sansa is my favourite character in both books/show and sayruq is probably the commander of the sansa queensguard. sayruq probably has one of the best understandings of sansa in contrast to a lot of the fandom who sometimes wildly mischaracterises sansa. i also love how pressed they make dany stans because deep down DS know they are right dany - that she isnt a saviour queen

8. @falconstarfall i think they’ve said they didnt like the show and much prefer the books. ive often seen this arguement put forth by a lot, especially by those who claim to hate sansa in the show and love sansa in the books. however that because sansa in the show is very different from the sansa in the books (ie sansa in s8 wasnt bowing down to fan faves) she was free from her abusers (in the books shes still with petyr) a lot of sansa antis cling to the books still because they hope sansa will get the punishment she deserves /s. however that isn’t the case here. plus its also nice to have a blog that appreciates book sansa because i adore sansa in the show, the show also missed out on a lot of things as well.

9. @mostly-got just good content in general and I love reading their asks.

#sansa stark #a song of ice and fire #asoiaf #game of thrones #got #anti daenerys targaryen #anti arya stans #sansa #me #tumblr #catelyn stark #house tully #house martell #princess arianne martell #young griff #fanfiction

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mrbinglee · 4 years ago

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Fic Author Interview

tagged by the wonderful @keepthemclose

Name: melanie

Fandoms: arya/gendry from asoiaf(got)

Where you post: ao3

Most popular oneshot: the one inspired by a tumblr prompt + a mary oliver poem, airplane meet-cute feat. barra, gendry’s younger sister.

Most popular multichapter: i don’t have one :/ a few in the works

Fic you were nervous to post: the ggexchange one because i’d never written anything even close to being rated M (and i still haven’t! it’s rated T) but i figured arya & gendry would have fun with it thus the title from the national, “A slow dumb show (to crack you up)”

How you choose your titles: sometimes they’re word plays (e.g. “Partner” for the missing book scenes dancing one) but often they’re often just inspired by songs (wip one-shot series based on this)

Do you outline: oh yeah heavily, lots of bullet points, helps me see the big picture, tracking the purpose of each scene & what the idiots (affectionate) are feeling/thinking & what everything is leading to

Complete: 4. maybe 3 technically since one is a two-parter

In Progress: like 7 but they’re all half complete so more like 3.5

Coming soon: series of one-shots based on songs, probably either a light years the national one (sci-fi au) or a folding chair regina spektor one (80s ish au), whichever ends up being done first

Do you accept prompts: yeah!

Upcoming story you’re most excited to write: a multi-chapter sci-fi au where they’re a bit older (twenties) and agot stuff happens (ned) but arya steals a ship to escape off the planet. gendry wakes up in his ship bunk to find that he’s not on king’s landing anymore, toto, and that some punk has stolen his ship!!

Tagging (if you’re interested/haven’t already been tagged): @chasingforeverandaday @go-catch-a-chickn @aryaqueeninthenorth @7deadlycinderellas

#sorry we're not all mutuals but i love your stories and would love to hear about them! but if it's weird pls ignore #gendrya #long post

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a-shakespearean-in-paris · 4 years ago

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Writer Interview

thanks for the tag @thevikingwoman, I’m sure I’ve done one before, but hey new year new thoughts.

Name: on A03 I’m AParisianShakespearean

Fandoms: Dragon Age, previously DBH and RDR2. I’ve stopped writing for DBH but Red Dead isn’t a door I’ve closed, I just finished my main fic and have other interests at the moment. I also write Jaime and Brienne from ASOIAF/GOT. Seems 2020 has landed me back to my starting fandom, Dragon Age. I missed Cullen and Lydia too much. I also wrote a Leon and Ada piece from Resident Evil and would like to write more for them.

Where you post: Sometimes I’ll post one shots on here but pretty much I like using A03 for my chaptered fics. I do not have the patience to upload them to tumblr, lol.

Most Popular One-shot: On A03 it’s A Knight to Remember, my interpretation of Jaime and Brienne’s first night. First night with some knights, the best. On tumblr it’s a Cullen smut piece called Shapes and Plains that I wrote years ago.

Most Popular Multichap: Love Song on Sapphire Isle, AKA the long fic I wrote where Jaime and Brienne stay together and Jaime doesn’t die. They adopt a baby and then they have several more--all talls as trees. Truthfully I do not think season 8 of GOT is salvageable, (realistically you’d have to go way back and time to fix the issues) but the least I could do was make myself happy and give Jaime and Brienne a happy ending. Other than my OTPs with my characters they are my favorite in media.

Favorite story you’ve written so far: Well it does change. When I finished my RDR2 fic The Sweetest Sorrow, I thought this was probably my most successful fic, while Our Immortal Longings has the most of me in it. However, I recently reread my Cullen x Inquisitor longfic In Waking Dreams to clean it up...and hey, I was nostalgic. But it’s honestly the first writing of mine I have reread years removed from writing it that I actually kind of loved. So for now, it’s In Waking Dreams. And I’m continuing it! It was always my plan to when I finished, but I got distracted by other fandoms.

Fic you were nervous to post: All of them, especially if it was my firs time posting for a new fandom. Special mention to IWD for being my first first fic.

How do you choose your titles: I look to the bard usually. (Sweest Sorrow is from Romeo and Juliet--’parting is such sweet sorrow” and Our Immortal Longings is from Antony and Cleopatra where Cleopatra says “I have immortal longings in me.”) Or I look at the story’s themes and go from there.

Do you outline: Sometimes yes, sometimes no. If I see certain plot points I will write them down (like I’m doing for IWD) but for my other in progress fic I’m kind of having fun, seeing where things lead. Not to say I don’t have a plan, I do, I’m just not concerned with writing it down.

Complete: 68 works on A03, and most are one shots, but I have a good track record of finishing longfics. I have four completed longfics (previously 5, though it was finished once upon a time so maybe it counts? LOL)

In progress: Other than continuing IWD I have Memoirs of a Long, Long Time, a Warden and Morrigan fic. I also have a Jaime and Briennne actor/actress AU. It’s not abandoned, but it’s not a priority right now. Hey though, maybe I’ll get the muse for it to sing again

Prompts?: I used to do them a lot more, but not so much anymore. Sometimes i reblog a prompt list and take them

Upcoming work you’re most excited about: I’m very excited to continue IWD, but you already knew that :P Also MOALLT.

Worlds I would love to write for in the future: Something something marriage of convenience for Leon and Ada. My own original fiction, which has been started and I’m just finding it difficult. When I started writing fic in 2016 I thought I wouldn’t do it for long, it would help me grow then I’d go back to original fiction.

HAHAHA.

I love fanfic. Writing it makes me happy, and F you to the guy at Starbucks last year who asked me accusingly “oh do you write fanfiction?” when I said I liked to write. HELL YEAH I WRITE IT.

okay tagging @laraslandlockedblues @idrelle @wintersongstress @jentrevellan @ellenembee @agentkatie @queen-kass-the-writer @wardenari @ma-sulevin and anyone else! No pressure of course :D

#tagged #my writing

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thebluelemontree · 4 years ago

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:( You forgot my question about mercy chapter </3

I haven't. It's still in my drafts, and its a long, long answer that I haven't finalized. I am working on it, and I'm sorry because I thought I'd have it posted days ago.

I have so much love for this fandom and the people that send me questions. I genuinely feel bad because I can plan to set aside time to work on them, I have a goal to get them done by a certain time, but there are things that can happen that prevent that.

Sometimes I have to stay later at work than I planned. By the time I get home, make dinner, and talk to Mr. Bluelemons, it can be anywhere between 9pm and midnight. I don't have the brainpower for anything at that point, so I have to try to work on things a little at a time in the morning before leaving again.

Some questions are easier to answer than others. Many times I am going back and forth between tabs looking up quotes to link to as my citations because I'm trying not to make any mistakes. Then on those really juicy questions like yours, I'm spending a lot of time thinking about what stuff means to the character, to the story, to the themes. I read passages over and over to check for important details that I might have missed. I cross-reference to similarities I've seen in other POV chapters just to see what I can glean there. Sometimes in my process, I realize I've gone down a tangent beyond the scope of the question, and I need to backtrack the fuck out of there by a few hundred words. (Oops.) Maybe other asoiaf blogs can rattle these things off pretty quickly, but I've always been slow at writing anything. The one I answered today I consider relatively easy, but it still took all morning and some of the afternoon. There are times I'm in so deep on a single question for so long, my brain just fucks off and won't let me focus anymore, even if it's in the time I set aside to answer it. Tackling a different or easier question that just came in might be a needed diversion. Or sometimes I need to go down a youtube rabbit hole for a while. Or actually spend some time with Mr. Bluelemons, who is overall pretty darn tolerant of my special interest.

I'm not a meta spewing machine. This isn't my job. ASOIAF and Sansan are my favorite-est things in the whole world. I LOVE to talk you a Sandor and Sansa thing. I'm super stoked to get questions. It is fun for me, but I put a lot of painstaking work into those answers because I want to give the best answer I can. I have a pile of unfinished answers to good questions sitting in my drafts because shit happened, and too much time passed. I try not to let that happen anymore because it just makes me feel bad to look at that pile.

Anyhoo, it's all good. I've got a lot done on your question. I've had to spend some time with Tyrion, which I haven't done a lot of before, but I think it's relevant to your question and the whole Mercy chapter. It's actually made me want to branch out and study his chapters more closely. I just need to tie the whole thing up with a conclusion, which I am currently working on. So that's where I'm at right now with it. I'm sorry I said it would be posted days ago, and I couldn't make that happen, so I won't make promises of when it will be posted now. It will be just as soon as I can.

#Anonymous

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onthesandsofdreams · 5 years ago

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Lover’s Embrace

Fandom: ASoIaF Pairing: Fem!Ned x Rhaegar Rating: T Summary: When his time to leave Winterfell comes to a close, he gives Ned his personal email and phone number, she gives him hers. “Anytime you wish to speak Rhaegar, you can, I’ll listen.”

Once he is back in the solitude of his room in The Red Keep, he plays a song Ned taught him. It eases his mind of any worries.

And he falls asleep with thoughts of a snow maiden. Words: 2482 Notes: For the @asoiafrarepairs‘s ‘A dream of Spring’ event. Day 5: Flowers & Embrace. Modern Westeros. First long fic for this pair, hope you guys enjoy.

Read @ AO3

Rhaegar knows what people say of him behind his back.

The sad-eye Prince, the one marked by tragedy, the bookish heir, a man with a sense of doom, an oddity - even for his family, a man who barely anyone knows at all. They all know about him, they greet him, praise him, flatter him, try to befriend him, but none save Arthur truly know him.

And he’s in need of a bride.

Many men have offered their daughters. He has not missed that Prime Minister Lannister had brought his daughter to live with him, so very near the Red Keep. Lady Lannister is pretty, she will be a beauty, but that is not what he is looking for. But he has not missed all the looks Cersei Lannister sends him, how she takes it upon herself to follow him around whenever she can, nor does he miss how her niceness only extends to a certain point.

So he does what he thinks that would give him a break, he calls his cousin. Robert and he are fundamentally different, Robert’s loud and outgoing, easy to get along with and with a penchant for women. But at the end, he still decides to call him, maybe Robert can help with some distraction.

Robert - as it turns out - is at Winterfell. Visiting his friend’s family, tells him that he should come too, “All snow, but the people are good. You and Ned will probably get along. Big library, bigger than the one you have.” Says Robert.

So, he calls Duke Stark, Prince or not, it would be highly improper to simply show up, Arthur in tow and spend time there. Rickard Stark extends the invitation easily enough, “As long as you wish to stay, your Grace.”

He informs Arthur, his permanent bodyguard to inform his father and goes to pack his bags. He has dinner with his mother and little Viserys, his brother barely able to stay still on the table, his mother wishes him good luck on his upcoming trip, Viserys begs a gift.

Four days later, he’s off to Winterfell on a private plane, but he still knows that he will have to take a car towards Winterfell, since the airport is located at White Harbor. Duke Stark had promised to send a car and someone to fetch him and Arthur, advantages of royalty and nobility, he’s aware.

Much to his surprise, it’s Robert himself who comes and fetches him. He can tell is Robert due to his loud voice, and Robert’s height is also a tell-tale, when he grows closer to where Robert stands, he realizes that Robert brought a companion, and said companion is a woman.

“Ah there he is!” Robert booms. “Welcome to the North cousin!”

A tiny smile escapes him as Robert’s hug threatens to crush his bones. Bless Robert for being so open. “I’m surprised you came, cousin.”

“Bah, you have so little faith in me, it wounds me.”

He can see that the woman Robert came with has maintained a respectful distance. “Not so, simply thought it would be a man from Winterfell.”

Robert laughs, “Well, not a man, perse, but someone from Winterfell did come.” Then Robert turns and beacons the woman to approach. “Come on Ned! Meet my cousin!”

He freezes. Ned’s a woman?! He manages to collect his wits about him as the woman approaches, she’s taller than the average woman, deep grey eyes with brown hair, her face is serious and solemn. He watches as she gracefully bows, “Welcome to the North, your Grace. I am Eddara Stark, daughter of Rickard. It’s an honor and a pleasure to host you.” Her voice is low and husky, it sends a shiver down his spine.

He bows his head, then takes her hand and kisses it. “The honor and pleasure are all mine, I assure you Lady Stark, thank you for welcome.”

The smile she gives him is small, but it reaches her eyes. And he can’t look away from them.

*****

The first days in Winterfell have him adjusting to the cold. Winterfell itself is warm, and he’s been given a warm room, fur covers and there’s always a fire roaring in his room. Duke Stark is a solemn and serious man, respectful but he knows that this is a man who should not be crossed. The same can be said about the elder of his sons, Brandon is pure fire and almost a match for Robert, Lyan’s is Brandon, but smaller and Benjen’s is at that awkward age where he’s trying to figure who he is.

But he is most intrigued by Eddara - call me Ned, everyone does - Stark. She and Robert met in college, as they both attended Arryn’s University in the Vale. She is the complete opposite of both her brother and his cousin, which is why it is such a surprise that Robert actually has made a female friend.

It’s Ned who takes him to the family’s library and keeps him company at his request. She speaks of life in the North, of Winterfell and her family; he has to coax her to talk about herself. As it turns out, she studied management and history. Loves books and riding, plays the violin, has a penchant for chocolate and loves quiet nights in.

Which begs the question. “How did you become friends with my cousin, Ned?” He finally asks one day as they are going over a book of legends.

Ned shrugs, “He made a pass on me, I told him off. He tried again, I punched him in the face. Then he laughed and said that he liked my spirit. He never made another pass, we’ve been friends since.”

He laughs.

*****

Rickard organizes a hunt, and to his surprise, Ned tags along. “Occasionally,” she says when he asks if she’s a hunter. “Sometimes it can be fun.”

She’s an excellent hunter, later that night, he begs a song from her. “I don’t sing your Grace.”

“I meant with your violin, my Lady,” he smiles at her.

Her blush is adorable. “Oh. Of course.”

Her playing is impeccable and he finds himself being soothed by a song of the North. He closes his eyes and lets the music wash over him. He praises her abilities after that. “Perhaps we could play together, if you were to humor me and teach me a Northen song, that is.”

She smiles at him. “Of course.”

*****

He’s been in Winterfell for nearly a month, and he finds himself constantly seeking Ned’s company. Oh he talks with Rickard, drinks with Brandon and Robert, teaches some sword lessons to Lyan and Benjen with Arthur’s help. But it’s Eddara whose company he craves. There is something about her, an air of calm and peacefulness that draws him in.

And he knows himself enough to know that he is falling in love. It would be terrifying, but something about Eddara Stark sets him at ease.

She once found him on the Godswood of Winterfell, sitting under the Heart Tree. “There is such sadness on your face, Rhaegar,” she finally spoke after she felt comfortable enough to call him Rhaegar, even if it was only in private. “What troubles you?”

He had been startled, he had been so very lost in his thoughts that he had not heard her approach. “Ned, you startled me. But as to your question, I don’t know. My mother has always said that grief was my constant companion.”

She is silent for a moment. “Then perhaps you should do something that makes you happy.”

Such simplicity, he smiles. “I like my music, and I enjoy playing it for others. Reading, it also helps distract my mind and it helps me forget...” he stopped himself.

“Forget the troubles in the Capital?” She finished for him. “Then, perhaps, if you would agree, maybe hold a small concert for those who work here? I’m sure our cook and the rest would be delighted. And our books are still there, and they are plenty.”

“Yes,” he says, encouraged by her gentle nudging. “The troubles in King’s Landing can give headaches.” He admits. “And as to the concert, I might enjoy that. I have never played for our staff, my father forbid it.”

“Well, the King’s not here. Play and sing to your heart’s content. If you have no objection, I will organize it.”

“Go ahead Ned, I’ll play.”

“That’s the spirit!”

That night after dinner, he played for an hour for the staff at Winterfell. The round of cheers after he finished were nothing compared to the beaming smile Eddara gave him.

*****

When his time to leave Winterfell comes to a close, he gives Ned his personal email and phone number, she gives him hers. “Anytime you wish to speak Rhaegar, you can, I’ll listen.”

Once he is back in the solitude of his room in The Red Keep, he plays a song Ned taught him. It eases his mind of any worries.

And he falls asleep with thoughts of a snow maiden.

*****

He begins to write and call Eddara whenever he can. Arthur makes note of it, teases him. “And who would have thought,” he can hear the smile on his friend’s voice. “That it took a snow lady to melt you down. Are you sure you’re the one with fire on your veins?”

He smiles, “Fire and Blood,” he answers. “I suppose I am. But I will not deny that I enjoy her company.”

“Just don’t mention her name around Lady Lannister, she might throw a fit.”

He rolls his eyes. “No, I’d rather spare myself the grief.”

*****

Rhaegar,

We at Winterfell are doing quite well. Father wishes me to take over our winter resorts, it’s quite the task, but I do admit to be happy that he thinks I can take over. Brandon is near engaged to Lady Catelyn Tully, and I’m quite excited. She’s wonderful and I look forward to having another woman here. I hope you are well.

With friendship, Ned.

Ned,

I’m happy for you. Good luck on the take over, it sounds daunting. But I know you can handle it. I am as well as I can be, wrote a song for mother’s birthday. Told Viserys some of the legends I read from the North, he’s quite pleased and now determined to see the Wall for himself.

With kind regards, Rhaegar.

*****

“And I told Brandon, ‘If you cheat on Catelyn, I will end you.’ He pretended to be offended, but I’m sure he appreciates the fact I actually like Catelyn. Ben is also quite taken with her.”

He chuckles. “I know Lady Catelyn, she’s quite serious and duty-minded, tell that rascal you call brother that I’ll aid you.”

“I will. That will keep him in line too.”

“Good.”

*****

For the first time in a very long time, he writes a ballad that doesn’t end in tragedy. His mother’s eyes shine bright and she’s smiling at the end of his impromptu performance. “It’s beautiful, my son.”

“Thank you mother,” he is. His mother’s opinion on his music has always been important.

“I sure will give my thanks to whichever lady inspired you.” She says and leaves the room, leaving him completely off-kilter.

*****

He sends flowers, chocolate and a book to Ned for her birthday. She sends him a text with a simple smile emoji. He can’t quite hide his smile for the rest of the day.

For his own birthday, he receives a case of ice-wine, a venture Ned has come up for the North, the wine is sweet and delightful. He gives his mother a bottle and like the dragon of his sigil, he hoards the rest.

*****

He finally asks her for a date one sleepy Spring night. Ned agrees, they have dinner in a fine restaurant in King’s Landing, a private room just for the two of them. Ned will be in King’s Landing for two weeks and he already has three dates planned.

When he takes her to the house the Starks own in King’s Landing, he leaves her at the door, but not before kissing her hand, wishing it was her lips.

*****

They date in secret, his mother eventually catches on and she just smiles. Helps him, in fact, arranges things so he can see her more often and gives him ideas for gifts and tokens.

“You are happier than I've ever seen you, that is all I want as a mother. And Lady Stark clearly makes you happy, then she already has my love.”

“...how?”

His mother simply gives him a mysterious smile. “You are my son, that’s how.”

*****

The first time they lay together, he loses himself to passion. To her lips, to her kiss, to her skin. For the first time, he feels like a dragon burning. It’s a kind of fire he did not know was possible. He loves it and loves her.

And he loves who he is when he is with her. And makes a decision.

*****

He goes to the court’s jeweler, his alibi is a new piece for his mother. Once behind closed doors, he asks the designer for a ring, something simple, but elegant. Selects a pigeon's blood ruby, placed horizontally surrounded by small diamonds.

It’s a piece that will suit Ned quite well, since most of her jewelry is understated. He knows she inherited most of her mother’s jewels, wears them on occasion, but her personal taste is much simpler. That is fine.

*****

It’s Robert who does the shovel talk.

But to his eternal surprise, he does it discreetly. “Ned told me,” he says over a glass of fine whisky. “And I’m warning you cousin,” the way he underlines that word is enough for him to understand that Robert means it. “That if you hurt her, I’ll break you. That is, if I beat any of the Stark men to you first.”

He lets his shoulders fall, “I assure you cousin, she will not be mistreated, nor hurt so long as I live.”

“Good. See that you keep your word.”

*****

The ring is on her finger, and passion has flared up again, like a flame that only needed a spark to ignite and burn down any defenses he had left. The room smells of the flowers he decorated it with, but all his thoughts narrow to the woman who drives him mad with passion.

Theirs is a love that is both calm and filled with passion. He has never stopped giving her flowers, by now he knows which ones she favors the most, even if she always welcomes even the humblest daisy. And he vows to always give her flowers, for any random moment, to remind her that she is in his mind.

Here, in the dark of the room, where they lose each other in a lover’s embrace, he knows, he’s found his queen. And he has found his home.

#asoiafrarepairweek #asoiafrare #ned x rhaegar #rhaegar x ned #Ned Stark #Rhaegar Targaryen #pre asoiaf fic #au: genderbent #au: modern westeros

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bladesandstars · 5 years ago

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Writer Ask Meme

I got tagged in this a million years ago by @aoifelaufeyson - better late than never! Thank you for the tag!

Please note tags and warnings on all linked fics!

Author’s Name:

Stopmopingstarthoping - Is it too long? Yes. But I’m stuck with it, and it’s got Big Aranea Energy so that makes me happy. I go by Hope as kind of a short version of that. (you can also find me at my @min-max-chimichangas and @devorak-appreciation sideblogs).

Fandoms You Write For:

FFXV

MCU

Doctor Who/Torchwood

WIPs/notes/planned fics but nothing posted yet: The Dragon Prince, The Arcana, Game of Thrones/ASOIAF, Letterkenny, OMGCP/Check, Please!, FFXIII.

I also write original fic and will occasionally pop a drabble or two up of my OCs.

Ships not listed because first thing about me is I am a big ole multishipper. Rare is the ship I do not or cannot be persuaded to sail.

Where You Post: Usually AO3, Tumblr, Twitter. I have pillowfort and dreamwidth but haven’t found the time to really dig in there yet.

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story:

The Dragon’s Dagger, a Highspecs (Aranea/Ignis) FFXV canonish story that I based around a chess game.

Favorite Story You Wrote:

It is very difficult to choose, but I’d probably say my Ignis/Nyx pre-canon series Disarmed. Ask me tomorrow, I might have a different answer, but this one is very feelsy and fun and launched my Ignyx love into the stratosphere, where it remains.

Story You Were Nervous To Post:

I was terrified all during writing Dagger, because I had never written a multi-chapter fanfic before, and I was certain someone was going to yell at me for doing canon wrong somehow. Happily, that did not happen.

On the oneshot side, probably Look, Touch, Listen (Cor/Ignis/Aranea) because it’s a super rarepair OT3 and kinky. XD

How Do You Choose Your Titles:

I have two moods. “Here is this very short or one-word title that can cleverly be read multiple ways and hits the theme of the story” and “uhhhhh I dunno here’s a song lyric.” Both are valid!

Do You Outline:

I didn’t when I started, but being in some zines and having to plan carefully not to go over or under word count made me start. It’s been really helpful to assist my occasional Plot Deficiency, and also makes smaller chunks of things seem more manageable to get done. (As I contemplate writing an actual original novel or two, this is big!)

How many of your stories are…

Complete: 83

In-Progress: On AO3, 4.

In docs, I’m not telling because it’s truly embarrassing.

Coming Soon: More prompt fills from my 100 Ways Challenge (I promise I have not forgotten about these!), the completion of Ignyx Regency Fun, some mythological crossover nonsense I just dreamed up recently, a time travel FFXV AU that I’m trying not to talk about too much because I’m writing the whole thing before I post anything, updates for the 4 outstanding fics on AO3, and whatever ficlet fun catches my fancy. Also, Kinktober approacheth, prepare for small spicy bites.

Do You Accept Prompts: Absolutely, see 100 Ways link above! I’m not fast but these are fantastic for branching out and trying new things and I appreciate every prompt!

Upcoming Story You Are Most Excited To Write: I miss my rockband boys and my Fae/Vamp AU and am excited to get back to both of those worlds for an update. I have also been beyond hyped about my original work lately, and as it can be really daunting and scary sometimes, I’m grateful for being able to geek out over it.

Tag Five Authors To Answer These Questions As Well: @raidelle @haircutboys @ninemoons42 @denilmo @dudewheresmytea and anyone else who wants to! If you grab this and answer, please give me a tag so I can see your answers!

#hope talks #hope writes #ask meme #writer asks

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sallyjessyrofl · 6 years ago

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Arya/Gendry fic: Charcoal

So I haven’t written fanfiction in...like, four years? And haven’t really participated in GOT/ASOIAF once academia got in the way and I fell badly out of love with the show. IDK what made me want to write this. Maybe cos it’s getting cold and I miss writing for fun (and the validation that fandom provides, let’s be honest). I’m planning on re-reading the books soon, too.

It’s a short, quickly written thing about Gendry, Arya, winter, heritage, class, all the usual things I like to write about. Here’s a link to my A03, where there’s a whole bunch more but really, I wrote a lot of those so long ago, yikes.

tl;dr I’m back, baby?

No warnings etc.

The forest smelt of a thousand autumns, and the frost was just beginning to make the leaves snap beneath his feet. She walked silently beside him, but the forest floor did not seem to register her presence at all. She had always teased him for being big and clumsy, for taking up too much space; but he would simply reply that not everyone had the talent to become a ghost.

The cold up north makes his bones ache, no matter how many furs he wraps himself in. But he notes, too, how the cold pinks her cheeks and makes her seem more alive than ever, as if her blood was rejoicing and dancing underneath her skin. Yes, this was Stark blood, Arya’s blood, the blood of the North, that blood that coloured the vivid leaves of the Weirwood. It is not like the reds of the forge fire or of the terracotta air of King’s Landing, the only reds he knew before her. Never before, too, could he have imagined the dirty muddy grey of snow melting or crisp blue and white winds that now made up his life.

When they first came to the Godswood she had kissed the ground as if she could taste where her father’s footsteps had fallen, and she had asked Gendry to kiss the earth from her lips. Feel him here, she thought, feel me and my mother and my sister and my brothers and Old Nan and Hodor and everyone and everything that has made me. Gendry had understood, had his eyes fixed on her as he licked his lips and tasted limitless, unknown winters.

She had always known him, he thought. There was no great mystery to his life before her, despite his lineage -- he was just one of the countless flea bitten Flea Bottom boys who spent their years baking in the sun who would sometimes wonder, absentmindedly, about the feel and look of snow. But he comes here and realises that winter is an ever-changing thing, a thing that is more than the cold mornings so bright they hurt your eyes or numb toes. It is a thing that seeps into your bones, instead, and colours everything you do with the promise of both life and death.

He wonders if the forge fire stays with him always, is in his blood more than any noble name, and helps to keep her warm. He wonders if she runs her hand over his chest and feels his heart beat and imagines a blackened piece of charcoal that is always burning. And as he holds her close sometimes the icy feel of her skin and the harsh jut of her bones makes him think of Valyrian steel, but he reminds himself that Valyrian steel becomes something stubbornly workable and pliable in the fire and that means she is his in a way that no one else can touch.

In the Weirwood he watches as she sits and prays. The Old Gods are not his (he has left all thoughts of Gods behind a long time ago), and winter will never entirely be his, either. But he does know how to watch, to keep silent and respectful and distant, and to keep them both warm as best he can with furs, with fires, with fingertips.

#arya x gendry #game of tears

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hilarychuff · 2 years ago

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Top five fics you’ve written

top five fics i've written!!!! ok these are not necessarily recs because i am not saying they are the BEST and they are certainly not FINISHED or some of them even ACTIVE, but in terms of faves that are my little babies.......

i carry it in mine

this one has been slow on updates lately, but this was one of my first forays into writing jonsa and not just reading jonsa. i always like a soulmate au but i liked being able to do this one on my own terms, figuring out what it would mean for them personally. also honestly one of the inciting ideas was what would've happened if sansa had gone to dragonstone instead of jon, so it's been really fun playing with that and fitting them into each other's roles in those parts of the storyline.

howl

ok i love scream!!! love scream. and i LOOOOOOVE making aus. as i've said before, my brain is a constantly generating au machine. i'm watching something new for the first time and already trying to see which of my blorbos fits in and where. but it's been really fun fitting sansa etc into the scream stories, especially with the challenge of not necessaaaaaaarily thinking it all through ahead of time and then having to work within the constraints i've created as i go. i've been letting howl 3 percolate, but i've been doing some really good thinking about it lately and i'm excited to get to it soon!

things we lost in the flames, things we found in the ashes

agents of shield was one of my major fandoms before i really meaningfully joined the asoiaf fandom, and as a major jemma simmons stan, i didn't always love how her storylines were handled in the show. i wanted to write this one to sort of fill in what felt like missing material after jemma came back from hydra and rejoined the team. it's just a lil thing but i think i started rewatching the show at some point in the earlier pandemic days because i'd been a season 1 appreciator and had fallen off at some point around season 5? season 4? and when i got to season 2 this just basically poured out of me. anyway!! i love jemma but i also love mack and i wanted them to be friends but also to SEE how they got there, so that was important to me.

but god can be funny

hdjghdflkgjhdkjgh tragically i never had a strong idea for the plot here. i just watched resurrection on abc and was like "what if my fave harry potter characters started coming back to life at some point in the indeterminate hp future." the drama of that!!! the emotions!!! it was too much to resist even though i didn't have a plan where i was going. i still think about some of it and still don't have any idea of what i would do with it plotwise. but sometimes i just want to have the EMOTION!!! you know????

real is a subjective concept

lmao ok i did actually start rewriting this one at some point in the pandemic and then fell off of that too and i am not necessarily proud of the writing in here (hence why i started rewriting it) BUT again i love an au!!! and i love lily evans and i love the mediator series and i loved playing with how those two things would fit together. i had/have?? ideas for multiple stories ala the different books in the series. but mostly i just loved the idea of a mediator lily, ghost james, how they might start to get to know each other and clash or help each other or become allies or friends or whatever. idk i still just love thinking about the scene of them sitting on the roof of his former frat house. i think it's special.

#ask games

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sansanficrec · 6 years ago

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Q&A with redcandle17

Get to know one of SanSan fanfic’s earliest writers, @redcandle17

Q- How long have you been writing fanfiction?

A- I started writing fan fiction when I was twelve years old. Fan fiction was the first fiction I ever wrote. At that age I was a huge fan of L.J. Smith's novels, especially the Night World series. I was a member of a LJ Smith fan mailing list that included fan fiction, which was also my introduction to fan fiction as a thing that existed. I distinctly remember the very first fan fic I ever wrote: I was sitting in the school cafeteria during lunch and I was thinking of Greek mythology and the Night World series and suddenly I began writing it down instead of just letting it play out in my imagination.

Q- Do you still have a copy?

A- No, I tore up the hard copy years ago, and the copy I had on my angelfire.com webpage disappeared into the ether.

Q- How did you choose your username?

A- When my family switched from AOL to another internet service provider, I needed to create a new account. I couldn't think of anything, so I looked around my room and I noticed a red candle. I needed to add a number to it, and since I was 17 at the time, I went with that number. I'm actually quite attached to 'redcandle17' as my online identity since I've had it for almost seventeen years. I've been redcandle17 for literally half my life.

Q- When did you first get into SanSan?

A- I first read ASoIaF in the fall of 2006. I was in a very bad phase of my life and GRRM's amazing world gave me a place to escape to. While reading A Game of Thrones, I didn't like Sansa at first and I didn't care about the Hound - right until the night of the Hand's Tourney. The Hound's backstory and him choosing to tell Sansa made him much more sympathetic and interesting, and Sansa's reaction to it made her more likable and interesting. By the end of A Clash of Kings, they were my favorite characters.

Of course, I had some qualms about shipping a character Sansa's age with an adult character, but the pseudo-medieval setting and the fact that GRRM used so many romance tropes with Sansa and Sandor assuaged my guilt. ASoIaF in general and SanSan in particular consumed me.

At that time, however, there were fewer than five fan fics in existence in English-speaking ASoIaF fandom. I began writing ASoIaF fan fiction because I wanted to read ASoIaF fan fiction. I made the acquaintance of other female ASoIaF fans on Livejournal and together we basically said 'fuck you' to the anti-fan fic sentiment that had predominated in the fandom.

I created the LJ communities asoiaf_exchange and sansaxsandor in the spring of 2007. Fanwork exchanges are a great way to encourage new content. It's very effective in a fandom as small as ASoIaF was at the time. And sansaxsandor was a place to ship SanSan in peace, safe from harassment from fanboys who looked down on shipping and were disgustingly misogynist towards Sansa.

Basically, I shipped SanSan like it was my job. :D

Q- Is there a SanSan fic you’re particularly proud of?

A- I'm especially pleased with Songbird. I worked very hard on it and I think I succeeded in conveying what I was trying to convey.

Q- Anything you’re embarrassed of or wish you hadn’t written?

A- Not for SanSan. There are things I've written for other pairings and other fandoms that I think I didn't do a good enough job with, but I'm pleased with all the SanSan I've written.

Q- Any SanSan fic of your own that you wish got more attention?

A- A Walk In The Garden. I really loved the unexpected emotional intimacy and the sexual tension that Sansa isn't yet aware that that's what it is of Sansa's and Sandor's scenes together in AGoT and ACoK, and I wished there had been even more scenes like those. A Walk In The Garden was me trying to write one of those scenes for myself.

Q- Any comments you’ve received that stick out, even now?

A- The best comments I've received on my ASoIaF fics over the years were the ones that praised my fidelity to canon. I've been told a couple of times that a fic could have been a missing scene from the books, which is the greatest compliment I could ever receive as a ASoIaF fan fic writer.

I also like it when people enjoy my SanSan crack!fics. I am very fond of my silly little crack!fics and I like knowing they amuse other people.

Q- Are there tropes/styles/genres you struggle with? Any that are almost too easy?

A- I'm good at darker fic and at humor, but not good at all the stuff in-between. That's true of me for all pairings and fandoms, not just SanSan. I basically have no middle ground as a writer. I think it's probably due to my lack of patience. I like the immediate gratification of fluff/funny crack!fics and the emotional intensity of dark!fics, but I just don't have the patience for long, plotty drama.

Q- When you start a fic, do you know where it will end? Or do you figure it out along the way?

A- Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Usually it's just a general idea in my head. I'm very much not the type of writer who writes an outline before they write a story. I just do it.

For a period of time when I was much younger, I did try using outlines since I was taught that was the correct way to write. But I found that once I had a story plotted out in a formal outline, I lost interest in actually writing it.

I want to be entertained while I am writing, I don't want it to feel like work.

I like just writing and seeing where the characters will take me. That's what works for me.

Q- Do you have any rituals/conditions for ‘getting in the mood’ to write?

A- There are some songs I find inspiring, so I'll put an inspiring song on repeat and try to write. Sometimes it works, and sometimes nothing works.

I'd put Sarah McLachlan's "Possession" on repeat while I was writing Songbird.

Q- Any tips for overcoming writer’s block?

A- The one that usually works for me is this: write what you *want* to write. Don't censor yourself, don't try to write what you think you should write, don't hold back from writing what other people tell you that you shouldn't write. Just write what you truly want to write.

Q- Any tips for nervous writers looking to post their first (or second, or twentieth) fic?

A- Even if it seems like no one will be interested in reading your story, there will be at least one person. It's a huge internet and no matter what you're into, there will be at least one person who shares your interest in a given AU scenario, pairing, or tiny obscure canon. Write for that unknown person.

Just don't worry about the people who may not like your fics, and focus on the people who will like it.

Q- Aspirations of publishing one day?

A- Nope. Writing is something I do for fun. Turning it into work would add too much stress and strip it of all enjoyment for me.

I would like to start writing more original fic though. There are some story ideas I want to read that won't exist, so I'll have to write them myself if I can.

Q- Will you be posting your original fic?

A- Yes, I'll probably post the original fic. But I've got to write it first and before I start writing it, I want to finish the fan fics I currently have in progress. So that's years away.

Q- Did you make any friends in SanSan that you still talk to today?

A- I've met some great people through our shared shipping of SanSan and although I'm no longer really active in ASoIaF fandom, I've remained acquainted with some of them.

Q- Anything you’d like to say to the SanSan fandom at large?

A- Just keep in mind that HBO's show is essentially an AU of ASoIaF at this point and that whatever happens or doesn't happen on it doesn't mean anything for bookverse SanSan.

Q- Anything you’d like to add?

A- SanSan forever! I may no longer be active in the fandom, but Sansa/Sandor will always be my OTP.

Check out redcandle17’s SanSan fics here

And redcandle17′s LiveJournal for even more SanSan here

And check out redcandle17’s ASOIAF fics here

#redcandle17 #Q&A #sansan #sansanficrec

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irregardlessly-tish · 7 years ago

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I felt like rambling...

I remember the first time I roleplayed here on tumblr I was terrified. I was still studying English and even though I could perfectly read what others wrote it was hard to form a sentence, maybe it wasn't that hard really but it felt that way. I didn't know much about how tumblr worked either but for some reason I took courage and asked to join a Hunterxhunter rping group. I guess it was "easier" because a lot of people in that group were European, mainly from Italy and Germany so I wasn't the weirdo whose native language wasn't English, I was just the third world Latin weirdo. Anyway, the "leader" of the group was an Italian girl and she said I could be part of that group and was really kind to me. A lot of people said that my portrayal of Gon was great, everything was very encouraging and writing made me really happy back then. But nice things don't last forever and eventually as the fandom grew bad people joined. There were individuals who had or claimed to have depression and sometimes would post threats saying that they were going to cut their wrists or kill themselves because apparently, no one cared about them since they weren't getting memes or as many interactions as they wanted. I can't tell for sure if they really felt that way or if they were just guilt-triping people. There was also a girl in particular who would use my icons without my permission and "steal" my headcanons and plot ideas. I posted something and then they posted pretty much the same. Then a new group of people that knew each other for a long time joined the fandom and each of their members would have like three accounts for different characters and it seemed kind of bizarre to me, even though I knew multi-muse blogs this was different and it felt kind of weird for some reason. I personally felt that there was something off with them but they weren't doing anything bad so why would I talked about them behind their backs or whatever. But then my main partner told me that the leader of that group tried to add him on skype and after he kindly said no that person made a post bitching about it. After a cuple of weeks I felt they were trying to impose their rules onto the rest of us. You have your group, you have your own rules, that's cool but don't try to make everybody follow what you think it's good. Besides that , there was drama with that group, they were getting anon hate and stuff but the way that anon talked was quite familiar. This group was European too, from Belgium if I recall correctly, and the way they formed certain phrases or sentences was quite specific. With a couple of people, we started to wonder if they weren't sending anon hate to themselves. Why would they do it? I don't know, maybe they wanted to play the victim or they wanted to look vulnerable so others would come through and stand up for them? They had mentioned that they always got anon hate in other fandoms. The common denominator in all those situations were them so the problem must be within them. Luckily, they stopped being active, they were kind of messy with their organization, in my opinion. Some time passed and one of their members started dating my best friend in the fandom and I didn't like that but apparently, it made her happy so why intervene between the two of them? After a couple of months, this person broke my friend's heart.

What was going on in the HxH fandom after that? Well, the anime had come to an end and some people lost interest and started leaving. I had to go to a hospital because of my depression and I didn't have any access to the internet. When I came back home I was excited to finally be able to write again and ignore my life problems for a bit and what do I find when I enter my blog? A message from my main partner basically "breaking up" with me. Our muses were in a relationship and in that message he said he wanted to try new things with their muse, things he couldn't explore while our characters were together. I was a tad shocked, I didn't expect that at all. What I was expecting were messages wondering what I was doing or where I was since I basically had disappeared, but no... I replied to the message saying that it was okay but I'd have liked it better if they had talked to me directly instead of sending an ask to my blog, we talked via skype pretty much every day. I expected our relationship outside roleplaying would be the same but no... He started ignoring me, other friends started ignoring me or just stayed away from their blogs and I never had any other way of communicating with them. Since I wasn't writing as much as I wished there I decided to join another fandom, hoping that things would be fun like they used to be but guess what? No...

While I was at the hospital I was only allowed to keep my books as a sourced of entertainment and I was in the middle of A Song of Ice and Fire. I had an original character in mind so I made a blog for her. The asoiaf was pretty closed, the people there were highly selective and ocs weren't accepted. There was only a handful of people who would write with me. I didn't make a single friend there. I had other oc I wanted to use but it was a fandomless one so what could I do? I decided to make a multi-muse blog with Gon and that oc, plus other muses from HxH. That way I could go back to the fandom that made me so happy before and included my own characters. That blog didn't last for long and went back to just Gon. My partner wasn't there, my friends weren't there so I chose to stay away from roleplaying because it didn't made me happy.

I'm honestly not sure of how much time had passed, I wanted to get back to it but I knew Gon wouldn't be the character for me at that moment. What did I love? Hannibal. So what better idea than creating a blog for a Hannibal muse? Well, a multi-muse Hannibal blog! But that's not all, I was going to add my ocs into the mix because they had been so well received before. I started with Will, Chilton, Freddie Lounds and two ocs. Not much was happening but it was alright. The fandom wasn't as closed as asoiaf had been but in general, I felt multi-muse blogs aren't that accepted as regular blogs and female ocs are easily dismissed. Then with time I added Beverly Katz, Gon, because I missed him and then other HxH characters and Chiyoh. It was a bizarre combination but it worked for a little. Then I decided to break that blog in three, one for my Hannibal muses, other for the HxH ones and other for my ocs. This last one had so little activity thanks to the acceptant world we live on, or maybe my characters just suck and no one was brave enough to tell me.

Hannibal ended, as just as it had happened with HxH, lots of roleplayers lost interest and disappeared. The lack of activity made me lost my muses and I ended up with Chiyoh alone in one blog and my dead ocs in another. I added Yuuri to my HxH blog, making it a just anime blog. I felt like a mess, I felt that I wasn't worthy of interacting with anyone and that everybody ignored me, the only logical reason being that they either were elitists who ignored multi-muse blogs or that I simply suck a lot.

I now have a multi muse blog with HxH muses, Yuuri, Chiyoh, Marik from Yu-gi-oh and two ocs. And I still feel shitty most of the time. I don't know why the community can't be open and accepting as it was for me in the beginning. Now it feels like everything is about having a complicated but unique theme in your blog and formatting your text so it looks cool along with your unique and distinguished icons. Some days I want to delete because it's not worth it. I spend more time feeling like crap that actually enjoying it. I don't know why I put myself out there, posting open starters or starter calls, why I send things to other people knowing that I'm likely going to be ignored. But I'm still there... And I feel conflicted.

If you read this... well, goddamn...

#;diary #;roleplaying adventures #it's long #i'm really telling you the tales of my adventures

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