#i miss getting ready for college
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so many dramas to catch on , so little time i have
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Hehe heyyyyyyy
Been a minuteeeeeee
College has started up for me and people were NOT lying about the “adjustment period”. It’s definitely a learning curve and my mental health has been fluctuating so much. I haven’t forgotten abt this blog tho or @ask-corrupted-sticks . I want to get back to interacting with yall again!!! I really miss it, and honestly, I need it. Going back to tumblr-ing kinda gives me that “home away from home” feeling while I’m dormed up over here. Feel free to send in any questions (can’t answer with a drawing for now tho 😭 but you WILL get a lil text response)!! Pls tell me how ya feeling, what ya wanna see, anything ya wanna know abt my version of the sticks!! I missed the community man
Have a Henry freaking out in macdonalds for your troubles.
#thsc#thsc fanart#the henry stickmin collection#henry stickmin#henry stickmin fanart#thoughts not art#I miss talking to yall#I’m still trying to find ‘my people’ in college but having this lil community of nerds makes me feel more at home#I’ll be back just gimme time#get ready for the comeback yall XD
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I read a book in two days which is a record for me, and I have like 20 more books stacked on my bed that I want to read before I have to go back to work. But I know I’ll only manage 2 or 3.
#ALAS#I forgot how much I love reading.#When I’m working the time I spend not-working is doing housework or minding my brother or getting ready for college next year#Or working on (essential) art projects#Which is FUN!!#But I miss reading and writing.#Christmas at Song’s house#Oh btw the book I read was The Railway Children by E. Nesbit#I read it (in one day) for the first time on Christmas 6 years ago when I had the flu#So it seemed like a good time to read it again.#(It made me cry. I had so many passages I wanted to underline or note but I had nothing to write with and now I’m regretting that.)#(This is the first time I have related more to Mother than to Bobbie.#Though I still relate to Bobbie a tonne.)
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the urge to dress more alternative but I live at home with conservative parents and have a full time job lord help me
#ik I don't /have/ to look a certain way but :/ i do not feel like myself!!! rah!!!!#the funny part is i think my workplace is chill w expression#but then when i was getting ready to start my dad was like you need NORMAL clothes. so now i have normal clothes that i wear to work#'normal' lmao#and i work from home so ofc my parents are there too. cant win 😔#I've accepted it bc Money™ but there's still that itch and that sadness of not being able to me. like ever#but being alternative is a political and musical identity 👍 u can look 'normal' and if doesnt matter👍 [fucking expl#apple lady words#one thing about college that was nice was i rly could just wear whatever. i miss that
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spending this sunday morning pondering how the long and convoluted network of decisions we make everyday leads us to the people and places we love now
#i love the people i’m surrounded by. i’ve never been happier and more myself before#but also#i was fully going to move out of this area when i graduated college last year#but i didn’t#well….haven’t yet is the better wording#i can’t see myself living in this town for forever#but if i did - where would i be now? who would i be??#would i like them? the people i’d have met and people i’d have gotten close to and the person i would’ve been?#would i be in some big faraway city with a cramped apartment or in some seaside town living above an ice cream parlour on main street?#would i still talk to my mom everyday? my best friends who i grew up with?#would i have missed what i have now? or would i have been happier??#it’s not exactly healthy to think about these things so much#but every once in a while is okay#and i think facing them with this easy gaze of sleep-riddled sunlight breaking through half-parted curtains makes it easier to understand#i also think i’ve sat here for too long now. i should shower and get ready for the day#sky says
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guys more time on my hands means more writing projects coming up 😁😁😁😁😁
#writing tings#HISTORICAL FICS GET READY FOR MEEEEEEE#after one college au i need to refresh on hiding out at etymology.com#and ive been skimming past the Great War and Paris and I missed writing different eras so badly 😭😭#REDACTED au that’s been cooking for years …. she may need a revival …#also for the unanswered asks so so sorry i will get to those …
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i should be sttudying what the fuck
#its currently 4 am where i live in and im not sleeping bcs i told myself i was gonna study but here i am tempted to fucking write a#jongseong au bcs what the fuck im so deprived and i miss him i miss enha holy shit i miss being that delulu ass bitch i was a year ago im#hating college rn bcs im so fucking burnout bcs my prof expects me to be ready when she wants bcs i have to adjust with her schedule so whe#a last minute comes up i get yelled at by my parents but what can i do prof over everything or else i fail and what the fuck i'll be on my#last year of college soon and im not sure if im ready for adult life oh my god what the fuck rawr forgive me for being neurotic tmi i took#tests and they all consistently concluded that i am inf act neurotic and have a high chance on being diagnosed so forgive me RAWR anyway#imma finish this one subject and fucking rest by trying to write this jay au i have in mind yes slay bless
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i am feeling So Many Things at the moment but mostly i just feel like a disaster
#friday chats#tw vent#it's like.#new school - far from family - already behind - new crush - really tired - fucking focus would you?! - new show - undone chores#on and on and on#a big ball of highs and lows that - instead of mellowing out into a net positive or negative -#- just make me feel like i'm being pulled in two opposite directions#why can't i just have the good and not the bad#i really wanted to take a gap year to decompress from All Of High School but my parents refused#kind of wish i took it regardless. just ''whoops - missed the application deadline! i'll get it in next year'' and faced their ire#but then i wouldn't have met my new friend at freshman camp#we both were individually interested in the queer orgs on campus and could have still met that way#but idk. it wouldn't have been the same#mostly i'm just worried i'm not cut out for living on my own. being an adult with a job. doing college at all.#not because people who have to rely on others/don't have a job/drop out are supposedly failures#but bc i don't have anybody i could safely fall back on AND live a life that is entirely my own if i don't make it#all i've got is my family. who will judge me for failing and force me to stay in the closet.#and frankly i don't want to live like that#so i have to keep going#but also part of me's like. ''you're ready to throw in the towel only a week in?? for fuck's sake friday come on''#it was just so much. i don't know. i just want to rest. i've been stressed for so long#i want a life where my needs are met and i feel safe and loved. that's all#but NOO i have to get a DEGREE to get a JOB so i can even begin to THINK of something like that#my family always jokes about how one day when i'm successful as an author i'll be super rich and have a private jet or whatever#and yeah that just speaks to how poorly they know me but more importantly IF i make it that big i just want to settle somewhere nice#somewhere cozy. maybe start a garden. get a cat. hold a loved one close at night. that's it really#and it sure would be nice if i could have that without having to bend over backwards getting a degree and a 9-to-5 or w/e#but i can't. so throwing myself at the wall that is my shit executive function it is.
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Oh, okay. Realised that I can barely remember how my cat's meowing sounded. That hurts. I know that it was high pitched but not always squeaky, but sometimes squeaky. Picturing it in my mind isn't so easy anymore though.
#she died in 2018 but i'm not sure i'll ever really get over it since. i had to watch and she was very distressed as she died#it could've been more traumatic i guess but when she did pass. i don't know how to describe the sheer agonised shout that left me#ready player one was on the tv and despite it being a film i really enjoyed. i can no longer watch it#because every time i see it all i can think of is the way that she suddenly went completely still#since she stopped breathing before she died#i sat alone in that room for a short amount of time with my hand over the lifeless body of an animal i'd watched grow from birth to death#it was christmas day and i found her convulsing in pain and confusion as the cancer killed her#i'm not particularly fond of that day now all things considered. not that i was a major fan before for various reasons#i was 16 and i'd just started college and just cut my mother off and just lost a family member#i miss my midnight#thorn talks
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ugh every day i remember that this is my real life & i’m not getting a do over
#like i don’t get to go back & finish college with my besties when i’m ready#i just missed out on it#& every day i miss out on more#& i’m doing nothing to change that#🤪✌🏻#personal
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I know there's a common thing of "christians are christians because they haven't actually read the bible" but I actually grew up being told to read the entire bible once a year once I learned to read. I even had a NIV kids' one with a checklist that had you read a certain amount per day. I only ever read my daily amount when forced to by my youth group or family members that did read the whole thing once per year and even then I usually faked it until they left me alone
#and yes my family did believe the conspiracy that NIV bibles were deleting verses since they knew kids would read it over KJV#and they'd grow up reading said bible without learning all of Jesus's miracles or something#turns out#said verses were not missing but put into footnotes since they might not have actually been in the original writings#a lot of my older family dropped out of school p early#so the bible was one of the few things they could readily get and read#and they knew someone would teach them if they couldn't read a part of it#my grandfather was the first to graduate highschool and he was the 13th child out of 14 who lived#my father was first to graduate from college#my mom was the first to finish medical school#so I got super lucky to have family around me that valued education like that#tho they started to get very extreme after that and pushed me towards more and more academic things until I was ready to yeet myself#so reading the bible had a special place in my family both from the fundamentalist standpoint and from an academic standpoint#they were poor black folk in rural NJ GA and FL so#not much to do but have babies do manual labor and go to church especially back then#for a while my family's churches were even anti-ipad bibles#until they learned they could have the audio playing so the older folks that couldn't read all that well#either from lack of education or declining eye site#n e ways I hope y'all enjoyed my ramblings about intersectionality and bible reading#I did attempt it once but got super uncomfortable reading about sex and stuff like that in middle school#and started having terrible intrusive thoughts so I stopped#I also recognize that it's a Jewish tradition to read the entire Torah once a year I believe#And it resets either during Yom Kippur or Rosh Hashanah#my jewish found fam can correct me on that later#but I get wanting to read your holy book to make sure you know what's up and refresh your knowledge#idk maybe I'll write an undergraduate thesis about how the bible comforts black americans as a concept rather than a religion#ex christian#religious trauma
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you know what I miss? The adrenaline rush you get when you’re getting ready for a college party that you know your crush is gonna be at
#the pining#the longing#the drunk dancing#I miss it#feeling nostalgic rn#the pregame is included in the getting ready part#sometimes I miss college#sometimes I don’t#it’s a fine line for sure
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There was a fuck ton of freezing rain and it’s still going on, but because schools are stupid they’re not canceling school, only busses
So because my mom actually gives to fucks about my safety, I’m staying home from school today
Fuck you school board, if it’s not safe for the busses, chances are it’s not safe for everyone else trying to get to school
But eh, I needed a mental health day anyways
Yeah it's probably good that you get to have a day to take a break
#it is 7:32#i had a project due at 7:30#and did not start it until 5:40#plus i had to get ready for school and go through homeroom#i am missing Two Paragraphs#but at least my mom can't say I didn't turn anything in#maybe if i fail my mom won't force me to go to an early college course that i'll apparently have to pay for if i (inevitably) fail anyway#despite never wanting to do that fucking course anyway. and now i'll have to pay for something my mom wants for me#it has been days of crying for us both man
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My nose is cold
#good lord why's it so damn cold#ugh i have to get up in 6hrs n get ready for college#i miss my husband#blog
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I miss working :(
#it's barely been 4 days into my vacation month I'm going to die#I just saw a video of a college getting ready for work and now I just miss it. I miss my uniform. I miss doing safety demos.#I even miss dealing with passagers!#fuck#maybe getting out of the house will help. now that I'm starting to feel better from the allergies#I only studied for a half hour today cause I was feeling kinda down#but I think I'm gonna take a day off tomorrow anyways and go walk around a couple of stores#see if that makes me less anxious#rambles*
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I've got a job interview for a rly nice place next friday
Fellas
pls fucking pray for me
#txts#manifesting....mainifesting.....manifesting#its 35hour weeks w/ over 1k a month which is good for trainee aka Ausbildung stuff#ofc the usual 30 paid vacation days as there dont exist unpaid ones#13 month extra pay and possibility of home office later during training like 2nd year for example#oh and also flexible times so i could start at 7 or i could start at 9 etc#it's also on a big campus so maybe...i can get secondhand college vibes experience ;;#i feel like i missed out okay xD i wouldnt even have the american experience to be fair#like...this is germany aka europe#its not whats presented in american tv at all so its fine#but still#tbh just the 35hour work week is 10/10#cutting 5 whole hours off what i do now? FUCK YEAH#i gotta make like...idk a list of questions to ask or that could be asked#i wanna be prepared#i COULD do the interview at work too#but tbh i prob am just gonna call in sick and do it at home bc i am jittery af and dont wanna hide it from colleagues#and the one i am conspiring isnt around fridays#(also i am fuckinged tired have headaches and have been feeling sick a few days so i wanted to chill tf out for a bit now)#(do NOT talk to me about todays work day unless you are ready for a lot of ranting k thx)
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