#i miss college so much i just miss the pace of constantly absorbing books

[literatureisgay]

i miss college so much and i’ve been scrolling through booklr to pretend i can still go to the library and read postcolonial theory and that my school isn’t online for the semester :)

[onthemeander]

Many thanks to Rantulahero for the amazing prompt. You are clearly passionate about these characters and it was an absolute joy to be a part of this world you have made. I would be honored to write for you again.  

If you like what you read and would like a commission me for your very own story, drop me a message.

Remembering is Easy

She had begged him for this. Relentlessly, over and over, begged to see this godforsaken B rated 80s hero movie. An honest to god abomination of Hollywood with lazy writing that he would say was written by monkeys if that wasn't so insulting to the species, hack actors hoping to have their big break before having to go back to their AV careers and special effects makeup made with expired convenience store dumpster cosmetics.

 She wanted to watch this movie. Had pestered him for weeks about it, going on and on about how they had seen everything else and now it was time for the ‘real fun’. All that and she couldn’t even stay up for the whole thing. No, instead she fell asleep before the first third and decided to use him as a pillow.

 Tamaki did the best he could to not disturb Ran from her sleep. In all honesty, she needed it. He could tell the moment he was let into her room. She had slightly dark discoloration under her eyes and the iconic unwashed look that accompanied any college all-nighter. Nonetheless, she giddily pulled him in talking on an on about how she had been looking forward to this all week. Now she was asleep and missing it all but there was no way he could bring himself to wake her. Not when she looked so soft and at ease, her head tucked up between his shoulder and jaw, her warm breath tickling his collar bone.

 Sighing softly, he settled in more to her stripes and stars superhero comforter, peeling his eyes away from the horrifying special effects fight to look out her dorm window. It was nice to have so many cherry blossom trees dotting the campus. Just outside her window, making the streetlight flicker against the walls, was the waving fingers of a Sargent Cherry Tree. The world looked active and haunted with how aggressive the breeze was this late at night.

 A particularly strong wind rushed by, smacking the tree limbs against his window. The sound instantly sparking his memories of a time when winter was setting in. When the world was cold and the flowers were long gone. Their soft pink petals already absorbed back into the soil under the layers of fresh snow. Everything in the world seemed bleak and colorless, though that might be because of the stress of finals rather than the actual weather.

 The library was packed, with every chair taken, every table was laden down with textbooks and even desperate study groups littering the rows between massive shelves. The librarians were unable to maintain its silence policy at that level of capacity, with everyone whispering but the sheer number made it still a steady distracting mass.

 He and Ran were seated at their own two-person table beside the back windows, heads pressed close as they debated their biology 103 notes. The scraping of the naked tree branches against the window pane was grinding in his ears. “You are absolutely wrong.” She accused, pointing to a series of terms scribbled in her curly handwriting. They had been at it for hours and he was about to snap. There was too much going on. Too much studying. Too much noise. Too much pressure to pass his first ever college finals. Too much everything.

 A massive pressure formed in the base of his skull. A metaphorical ball-peen hammer smashing through his vertebrae. The heat of a blazing fire wrapped around the back of his skull, the sound of crackling joints sounding like a bone splintering as it is used as kindling. Lines on the page began to wobble, blurring into a mess that made him feel like he was buried in mud. Mud that filled his lungs and made him feel like he would drown in it if he didn’t do something.

 he needed to get away.

 It was too much, he had to leave. Without saying a word, he stood, nearly clattering his chair against the floor, as he made his retreat. “Where are you going!” Ran whispered, gently gripping his wrist as he stood. Unable to say anything he pulled his hand free and began walking away. She tracked him as he retreated to the darkest corner of the library. He heard her frustrated calls, demanding his attention but he wasn’t feeling like giving her that yet.      

 The wall was cool to the touch as he pressed his forehead to the drywall. He focused on the cold feeling that was slowly putting out the raging fire in his neck. Focusing on grounding his breathing and closing down his racing mind. The wall was beautifully white allowing his eyes to go unfocused and just slacken, easing up the pressure behind them.

 Suddenly his moment of bliss with the blank white wall was obscured by Ran’s scalding green eyes. They were close, so dangerously close, he nearly had to go cross-eyed to focus on them. Completely invading his bubble and with no shame at all, she stared him down from mere centimeters away. “Will you stop ignoring me?” She sounded entirely put out with the situation, both bewildered and like she was dealing with a child.

 “I’m not ignoring you. Move, please.” His voice was hoarse and thick with stress. Suddenly dry it sounded terrible and he just rather not use it anymore for a while. She was stubborn though, ignoring his request, standing her ground, arms folded looking thoroughly unimpressed with him. “Tamaki, you're trying to fuse your head to the wall," She patted the wall at her back to prove the point, "You are ignoring me."

 “I’m trying to ignore everyone.” He snapped, feeling small droplets of spit fly his mouth and undoubtedly hitting her on the cheek. God what a nightmare. Closing his eyes, he just leaned in tighter, hoping she would just move from discomfort. His heart was hammering so hard they both could probably hear it. Breathing was becoming hard in the heated space generated by their bodies.  He could hear her breathing and knew she wasn’t planning to move. Frustratedly he just scrunched his eyes closed tighter, blocking out every bit of light.

 “Yeah, ” her voice was suddenly meek, “and I am one of everyone.” Her hands came up slowly, placatingly, pushing a few of the dark stands of his bangs away from his face. She moved with a slow pace that one used with a skittish animal, like a beloved pet scared by a raging storm outside. Her sweaty fingers were tacky, clinging a few strands of his hair to her. It was a subtle move that tickled his nerve endings.

 His mother was one of the only people to ever regularly come close to touch him this way. It made him think of home. A place where hands in his hair were paired with warm tea, good books, and re-watching family favorite movies.

 Ran always had this softness to her, a familiarity even, just around the edges of her unrelenting words. As she tucks his hair behind his ears, her thumbs started to gently massage circles into his temple. The intentional pressure helping ease the ache in his soul. He eased up on the vice-like clinch he had on his fists. Her breathing was slow and even, timed out in counts of four in and five out, a pace he began to match up with. Slowly he started to open his eyes. Green, he was met with bright viridian green irises staring back at him.

 “Come on, let’s go to my room to work," She gave a small reassuring smile while rubbing her hands against his tense shoulders, "It's too dang loud here.” With that, she slipped out from under him to collect their things to go. His first time ever being in her room.

 A bomb exploded on screen, creating complete chaos of bright colors, loud shrieks and done deep bass vibrations from her sub-woofer speakers. The film was reaching its exciting climax, or at least what a 1983 B list studio thought was an exciting climax. Even with all the movies loud action shaking their empty drinks cans on the table, Ran kept quiet.

 The blanket around her shoulders was starting to fall. The cool air would soon be bothering her exposed shoulder, completely uncovered in her workout tank top. It was awkward but he tried his best to readjust it with his free arm. Once content, tucking the fleece wonder woman blanket tightly up under her chin. He fidgeted a bit trying to get comfortable with his back against the wall, the old pillow doing little to cushion the pressure along his spine.

 All the muscles along his neck and shoulders were tense. The first day of class was going to be uncomfortable, for sure, but he was ready for it. At least he thought he was ready to tackle the constant socialization with strangers, swollen class loads, and the inevitable minefield of uncontrollable college parties. With a weekend of moving his life halfway across the country, he was already tired by the time he walked into his 10 am freshman orientation class.

 The room, slowly filling up with students, was relatively silent but stuffed full with excitable energy. All around him were fellow classmates giddy with the prospect of new friends. He wished he could be as excited as them. Hopefully, it would work itself out and preferable in not as big of a whirlwind as everyone was preparing for. If he could make at least two solid friends before the end of the first semester then color him impressed.

 With a self-assured nod and deep grounding breathe he scanned the available desks for the most optimal seat. One that meant he had the ease to listen and take note but not a single worry for being called on constantly. That’s when she saw her, glowing against the backdrop of the flowering Dogwood trees through the window.

 She looked like the most beautiful carnation, clad in the fluttering drapes of gauzy white rayon that made up her summer halter dress. Her hair was a shocking burst of purple, curled up and away from her baby-face and looking so soft in its ponytail. She was scribbling something furiously into her calendar with one pen while holding another pen between her glossy lips.

 All he could think as he watched her write at her front row desk was ‘I want’. It sounded dark, making him stumble mid-step, but it didn’t feel that way at all. In his gut, it felt light and bubbly like sea foam mist showering the skin. What he wanted was unclear but he knew enough to know that it all started with talking to her. Getting her attention, capturing it just long enough, like a moth to fire, then maybe he’d know what to do next.

 He took a seat in her row not beside, keeping a pair of seats between them because that would be a bit too bold. Instead, he opted to sit near enough she looked up as he pulled out his things. She leaned across the aisle and two seats, basically laying across the desks, hand outstretched. “Hello, I am Ito Ran,” He voice was fruity and bold, popping in his ears like a bitter berry would on his tongue.

 “Amajiki Tamaki,” Her hand was moisturized and slightly damp against his scratchy dry palms. He smiled as nonchalantly as possible and was rewarded with a stunning smile in return. It was as bright as the first rays of the sunrise against the horizon of the crystal-clear ocean. The morning light bouncing off her eyes like the sun bouncing off the waves, twinkling in bright sparkler firework flashes.

 Suddenly Ran gave a twitch, dragging Tamaki from his memory. He could see her eyes rapidly move under her eyelids, clearly in the deep throws of a dream. Whatever it was about, seemed to not be important enough to wake her. Her snuffling quickly calming down as she fell right back into soft snoring. He laid his cheek on top of her head, simply breathing the scent of her shampoo. Leaving the strands of her silky hair smelling of black currants mixed with vanilla.

 He was getting thirsty. The floor was littered with the remains of their ritual 'Sunday Night Super Friends Movie Marathon' as Ran titled it. However, he still refused to move, longingly looking at his long cold tea beside their feet. It was jasmine lavender tea, a cheap brand that was sold at the campus coffee shop. Not a favorite but great when he is running late, like tonight, and didn’t have time to stock up his supply. He hadn’t had it in ages but he could remember clearly the last time he did.

 He cradled his hot jasmine lavender tea in its to go cup, Tamaki was forced to blankly watch either the relentless ticking of the clock at the front of the lab room or the falling Kwanzan Cherry flowers. Pink snow, softly cascading all across the grounds. Spring was in full swing, soft skirts, picnics, flowering plants and exciting plans for the coming spring break abound. Tamaki and Ran had plans to road trip around to the surrounding towns, if they managed to survive their finals together. Though that would involve his lab partner to actually be here to work.

 Several more minutes ticked by when, in a swirl of soft sweatpants and purple hair, Ran rushed in. She had her bags slung haphazardly thrown over a shoulder and a flush high up on her cheeks. “I’m late, I know,” she gasped out, clearly still winded. “I got caught up talking with my dance teacher.” Without a second thought, she threw her bags to the ground only to quickly pick one back up to dig out her lab work.

 Tamaki said nothing, simply watching her while sipping from his burnt tea, they always burned it. Quickly enough she strapped on a pair of goggles and started pulling out her dissection supplies from every possible drawer around them. He had already set out some of their supplies for their frog, which was laying on the board awaiting its fate in the name of biology.

 “It’s okay.” He told her, watching as she started in without even needing to read her notes on the first steps. He couldn’t sit still now, everything was buzzing with energy, tapping his toe, twirling his pencil, chewing on the inside of his cheek. He had so much pent up excitement in him.

 The sun was setting, a warm greenish glow that made him wonder if a spring thunderstorm was headed their way. The atmospheric light brought a, dare he say, romantic haze to the world around him, putting everything into soft focus.

 Ran looked formless under her oversized sweatshirt and leg warmers, like the softest cushion. An urge to mold himself to her washed over him. As quickly as it came, he pushed it away, in favor of pressing in closer to help pin down the parts of the frog they were dissecting together.

 “Is your dance instructor still getting on you about that recital.” Noting the frustrated scowl marring her lips. She was clearly still breathing heavily from her nose. “Yeah,” She nodded, a few strands of her bangs falling from their braid, “I should already have my piece choreographed but I’m having trouble.” She admitted while pinning the frog’s limbs down a little too aggressively.

 “How come?” He egged her on. Usually, she'd just say what she wanted so for her to be holding back meant there was something going on. “The theme. The whole show is based on insects. I have to make a piece based around spiders but that is also conveying quote ‘achingly slow anticipation’,” her voice taking on a high prissy flair to it attempting to immolate her teacher, or so he presumed having never heard the 56-year-old former ballerina's voice. “I just don’t feel like anything I do captures that.”

           “Would you like some help? I can come by and film you, maybe give advice,” He didn’t particularly like seeing him best friend so fed up. She was supposed to be the optimistic one out of the two of them. When that dynamic failed then they would just be left with a depression cloud the size of Okinawa. “You don’t know anything about dance,” she bit out.

 “True but I can help tell you how I feel while watching you... it. Maybe that will help you capture that emotion for the audience.” Plus, he’d find any excuse to watch her dance. There was a liveliness to her posture and movements that always attracted his attention, no matter how big the crowd, but he didn’t need to say that much.

 “I… I would like that.” There was a blush to her cheeks, she must have really been running fast if she was this flushed.

 They fell into a soft and silent sync pace. Working along each other, they discovered a pattern, dancing around each other as they worked. Their shoulders and arms brushed against each other in the most comforting form of companionship.

 She smelled freshly floral, most likely a perfume stowed away in her dance bag. His heart felt swollen with satisfaction, and in this quiet moment, he couldn’t keep it from splitting his lips into a smile of pleasure.

 She was quietly snoring, her whole body relaxed against his chest, pushing in so close it pulled him out of this memory, warm, soft and flushed. The color from his tv danced against the shine of her amethyst hair. The movie credits were rolling, the film has passed by with no one caring about it.

 He should turn it off and head back to his dorm, but they were comfortable, loose-limbed. Everything felt heavy, his heart was thudding tight up against his ribcage. His arm was falling asleep but it was worth it. She seemed to find him to be a comfortable enough pillow. He didn’t want to wrinkle the soft unguarded expression gracing her lips.

 That just left him alone with his thoughts. Thoughts that were crammed full of how her warmth made his palms sweat. Moments that made him feel more than warm, almost jittery in excitement and anticipation. Everything about them left him both on edge but also at complete ease. Like a man leaning over the cliff edge, only his toes gripping him from falling, but he knew that falling would be the greatest pleasure.

           He just couldn’t stop thinking about her. Everything he did was keyed into her. How would she see me? What will capture her attention for longer? Get her eyes to linger. Will she laugh? Will she smile? Will it make her happy? Think of me? Like me? Will she think about me, when she isn’t by me, as much as I think about her? Does she spend as much time thinking about me?

 ‘Shit’ he thinks,’ his breath stuttering in that suspended moment. ‘I think I am in love.’

[noctis-hq]

congratulations THEO! you’ve been selected for the role of Levi Andersen, also known as the juggler. please look over the checklist here. you have 48 hours to send your account to the main. welcome to the family!

i’m going to level with you. the juggler wasn’t one of my favourite skeletons. and i walked out of this app fucking levi TRASH. i love him so much. he’s got so much going on in his head and shit, if it’s not at least a little relatable. you brought something to life so well and i just adore what you’ve done with his ability on top of it. he’s precious and i can’t wait to see him on the dash.

&&. THE AUDIENCE

alias. Theo

age & timezone. Twenty-One PST

activity. 8/10 I work at nights on weekends (usually meaning that I’m up till 4am after work) but Mon-Wed I’ll usually be on all day.

&&. THE ACT

skeleton. The Juggler

reasoning. There’s something about the line, “…all you know is that if you stop for just one second and think about yourself, there’s a very good chance you’ll never be able to start back up again” that I love. It’s that constant need to keep things at bay and the focus on himself that I can relate to and would love to explore just a little more. Sure, he’s constantly finding things to focus on, which I think would be fun to keep up with, but it’s the almost dark part dancing around the edges that I like about him. 

name. Levi Andersen

faceclaim. Dacre Montgomery

age & birthday. 20,  January 28, 1998

gender. Cismale, Demisexual

key traits.

+Flexible. You throw something at him and he’s simply able to slide that right into his long list of things that keep him busy. In fact, he welcomes it, as long as it keeps him moving and never stopping. He’s quick to learn and will immerse himself in a new topic until he’s absorbed all of that knowledge which has inevitably lead him to know random trivia at the top of his head.

-Cold. Friends can be good, it keeps things moving, but the moment that someone wants to get closer, wants to learn about the person lying underneath the layers of coffee, to-do lists, and books, it’s a game changer. He isn’t someone that people should surround themselves with, not really, so when he feels that they’re starting to get too close for comfort, he shuts them out in an instant, becoming harsh and mean until they leave him alone, like a scared cat. ability. Molecular Combustion. It speaks for someone who is always on the brink of explosion. Sometimes it feels like he can go so fast that his own molecules are moving so quickly that he’s surprised he hasn’t combusted, himself. It’s such a testimonial to who he really is and what’s going on on the inside of his otherwise collected demeanor. It’s that one crack of insanity that is out there for people to see and gawk at, and at first, it was something he felt he needed to hide from others or else they could all figure him out.

bio. 

They say that mannerisms can be picked up by children from their parents, and maybe that’s where he got it from. Maybe watching Janice and Mark Andersen pace around their decent sized flat in Chicago with their phones plastered to their faces as they avoided each other, hardly looking at their son, had done it, or maybe it was listening to their hushed arguments the moment that the work day was over that showed him that it was better to be busy than face the other people in the room. Whatever had done it, Levi never felt right unless there were at least four other things going on. It first started in class when he had volunteered for multiple projects to busy himself in the cold home, then evolved into sports, until he had so many things going on that he could hardly breathe.

“Do you want to go to homecoming with me?” “Sorry, I have football and then I’m swamped with schoolwork.”

There was one thing after another, and it was good. It meant that there was something always on his mind. Even at home as he grew, he could have the television and the radio on, a cigarette in his mouth, a book in front of him, all while working out in his room. It was that need for constant stimulation and noise that kept him going. It was the night that he feared like that lurking monster waiting for the perfect time to attack. That was when he couldn’t rely on menial things and the thoughts started to creep through his perfectly built walls.

You’re not good enough. Nobody really cares. You could have done more, Levi. You’re pathetic. Pathetic little Levi who can disappear and no one would even care.

It caused exhausting nights and a constant need for caffeine until it became as addicting as the background noise that was his life. It also meant that he missed the little things in life, he blew through people like they were short-stories that he didn’t really need. The nightmares were just as bad as the thoughts, though, waking him up in a cold sweat as he tried to count his breaths and listen to the city outside. It became more of an issue as he entered his senior year, and he had thought that maybe it would calm down once he graduated and started college at the University of Chicago, but he was quickly proven to be wrong. It only got worse until he was found, passed out in the basketball court after school, pale and shaking that his parents finally got the hint; their son was working himself to death right in front of their eyes.

It was an agonizing four months in the hospital, only ever able to focus on himself, until he was finally released back into his life, only it wasn’t the same, not if his parents had any say in it. They all packed up their lives, pulled Levi out of school and the multiple clubs and sports he had managed to find himself entangled in, and moved somewhere far less busy. That’s when Twilight Town happened. Everyone said that a smaller town would be better, it would make it so that he had fewer things on his plate. That only proved that no one really knew him as well as they thought they had. He managed to find himself an amazing coffee shop, two jobs and even busied himself with online school until he found The School, or well– the School found him. It was the perfect opportunity, for now. Besides, who didn’t want superpowers? He sure did, until it added to yet another thing that was wrong with him.

extras.

+In school, Levi was involved in football, basketball, baseball, boxing, Latin club, speech and debate, and the quiz bowl as well as had a job at one of the late night coffee shops near his old home

+It’s not that he’s academically blessed or a genius, by any means, in fact, he had a steady report card of B’s and C’s, he was pretty average, however, he had all AP classes simply because he worked hard enough that he could play it off like he was the smartest person in the room

+He has a never ending weaponry of useless trivia that he’s picked up over the years and sometimes, when he feels like talking to other people, he uses that as ice breakers.

+Out of all the sports and clubs he was in, basketball and Latin were his favorites and the two that he was seemingly best at.

+Coffee mugs. Coffee thermoses. Water-bottles filled with coffee. The occasional Red Bull.

A shitshow of a playlist for a shitshow of a man.

[theintuitivewildflower]

Synchronicity Signs 🌺Confirmation you are awakening

On my fridge is a quote so my kids see it daily. It says “ you had a purpose before anyone else ever had an opinion.” Why? As a child, I would proudly announce my goal to be a writer when teachers or family would ask ,“ what do you want to be when you grow up?” They often replied with☝What else do you want to do? Writing doesn’t pay enough. Or✌, not just anybody can be a writer? Knowing what I know now I wish I could have declared “I AM NOT JUST ANYBODY!” If we don’t seek our divine purpose God may send the universe in to shake us until we do. It’s painful, not pretty and you will lose friends. Friends you needed out of the way to grow into your authentic self will fall off; let them. You are left alone with your shadows until you decide to rip off the mask that is ego; shedding it. The pessimists planted seeds of self- doubt into my dream of being writer early on. Yet the pull to write creatively never left me. In school, other kids whined about creative writing assignments while I secretly rejoiced for the opportunity to put pencil to paper again! In high school I kept a journal for all my poems and at 19, I made books of them and gave to those in my circle for gifts. As I grew older the writing slowed. I tried to journal but managing a household and business kept me busy. I slowly gave in to the fast pace of our life and decided that those critics in my childhood may have been right; NOT JUST ANYONE CAN BE A WRITER. After a 13 year marriage, two amazing kids, and a divorce; I then found myself near the end of a 6 year toxic relationship. I turned to journaling to process my feelings; it helped me see more clearly. I finally ended it in 2016 and vowed that I would spend at least one year single; to work on myself, heal and do some personal growth work. At the time, I was managing an apartment community for the elderly. I felt it was my purpose when I started. After 5 ½ years and being an empath that didn’t know it, there was a lot of negative energy I absorbed that I didn’t know how to shield. I also had to wear a mask there, it didn’t allow me to be authentic. Something was missing. Single and healing I had this strong pull to be around nature. For my 40th birthday I took a road trip to Denver with a friend to visit another friend; we spent several days in different beautiful places. I was at peace for the first time in a long time. It was here I shared with my friends that I felt ready for change. When I got home, things felt different, chaotic and couldn’t focus on anything at work. I day dreamed about the day I would hand the keys over. All I could think about was finding me in this mess, music and personal growth. People from my past came back to me. My best guy friend from high school called. Hours of phone conversations helped me feel grounded. I started visiting my girlfriends from high school more. A girlfriend I used to work with appeared while we both rented movies. We picked up right where we left off and she helped me stay strong in moments of weakness; keeping no contact with the ex. Then, a good friend from college contacted me via facebook and we began sharing events since college. Amazingly, he is an empath too. I now had someone I could relate to as a new empath. He was able to give me information and answer questions when I needed more information. He reminded me that I had still had much more to learn about myself and suggested the Meyers-Briggs personality test. He said “its like a blue print for your soul.” I immediately got off the phone and took the test. Turned out, not only am I an empath; I am also a rare introverted, intuitive and feeling INFJ. I learned that I am unique; only one percent of the population are INFJ’s. This was overwhelming but also confirmation that there was something to my intuitions and discernment. I decided I would start trusting them. Signs of synchronicity show that you’re on the right path. My soul tribe was arriving to help me through the changes coming my way. Since I began blogging I have had several people ask me if I was ok or what is going on? As an empath, I already know what many folks really think because we are skilled at hearing what you don’t say. It was no surprise that family was curious but not fully supportive. My family sweeps things under the rug . I’m totally accustomed to being the black sheep of the family. However, on one of my most gut wrenching blogs to write a relative said that I shouldn’t be so negative. I knew she had not read the entire piece as there’s always a message! I asked. She admitted she hadn’t. I had to let it go; my blog clearly isn’t written for her. I created the blog for many reasons but mainly for fellow empaths or the one that hasn’t noticed their gift , the INFJ’s who, in a nutshell, just want to save the world but without being noticed! We are amazing and rare. That is the best way to describe us! We care even when we don’t want to. We feel everything others do, only deeper. Then,we absorb the feelings of others as well. I feel strongly that I need to say this, for anyone wondering; why is she putting herself out there like this? What will the family say? Why does she think anyone cares about her issues? Here is my answer : personal growth is not pretty! In fact, it’s an ugly beast! It’s much easier to blindly walk through life not changing. My question is this; aren’t most people that cause positive change often people that stepped outside themselves and put their ugly truth out there? Mask off, they let others know that it is okay to embrace, love,feel and be who they are by being transparent. It’s not fun but it’s necessary! I may not be the revolution. I might be a small ripple leading to one person walking in their truth. That’s good enough reason for me. The people that my posts speak to are who I write for. Am I okay? NO! I used to be okay. Now, I’m wise, confident, strong, true to myself and my mission. I have no regrets. I see now that God has been preparing me for this purpose the whole time. Every lesson and person in my life has helped prepare me for my purpose. I want to help people that are ready, to find their divine purpose. If I hadn’t met the narcissist I wouldn’t have discovered I’m an empath. If I hadn’t learned about empaths I would never have known why I understand but I’m misunderstood; it’s an INJF thing. Had I not gone to Colorado for clarity I’d still be spiritually asleep. I would have missed out on my soul tribe returning to or entering my life. It’s not a coincidence. They were sent my way to support me through the growth because it’s hard. It’s very difficult to face your demons alone and slay them; sometimes publicly. You have to be vulnerable. The trip to Denver changed me forever! I had time away from my high stress job to think . Once I returned home, there was not one day that I enjoyed my job. I knew then that that job was not where this wildflower was going to bloom best. I began to notice I was constantly thinking about writing, learning and helping others in situations similar to mine. I also could not go without music. Songs with perfect messages for me stood out. Music replaced tv for me and there was one less source of negativity in my life. I began planning my future and asking for guidance through prayer about where I was supposed to go from here. Sometimes we ignore the signs don’t we? Signs that we need something more. Its scary and maybe we question whether we are even ready to fulfill that purpose so we leave the mask on. Is that really how you want to live, hiding from yourself. You can’t fight your purpose. You can try but the universe will come kick your tail into action. When you seek your purpose it will give back to you. I began to see clearly that I am supposed to keep helping others. However, not complacent people with an agenda. They must desire growth. I prayed for clarity and God sent me new people that needed me. They were survivors of emotional abuse and anxiety riddled empaths who didn’t know they were empaths yet. Throughout this process I also experienced tons of Number patterns of 11:11 1:11, 222,2:22, 3:33, 44, 4;44 and this morning as i edited this I saw 5:55. After that there were two scriptures that stood out to me with verse 55. I began to experience balance and harmony again within me. Financially, I took a risk resigning from my job but I am at total peace about it.I stood up for what I needed. Any one who knows me knows I’d not been at total peace for a long while. Embracing the process sped up my healing and got me to focus on my purpose. I cashed in my 401k and vowed to continue trusting where I felt led to go which won’t be a corporate job. For now God I’ve met more of my soul tribe and mentors . 4:44 and 5:55 are what I see now along with 1:11, 11:11 too. I’ll post more information on signs, numbers and awakening. I’m still in the middle of my spiritual journey, sharing as I go. There’s no doubt that everything in our world is connected. If you are experiencing signs like this you aren’t crazy! YOU ARE AWAKENING! In conclusion, your purpose is only yours. It can’t work without you. You can’t avoid it or hide from it because it’s yours. It’s trying to connect with you now. We also must be careful not to dull the passion in children when they feel pulled to something you don’t understand. It’s not your purpose to understand. You have your own. Be encouraged today to embrace it!! 🌺🌻 If you decide to embrace your awakening I would love to hear from you. You never know I could be part of your soul tribe; here to support you as you begin to walk in your truth!! Be blessed today! Be bold. To know you better which is key for purposeful living please take the Meyers-Briggs personality test! You’ll learn I promise. ONE LOVE, Wildflower​