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padme-parker · 4 years ago

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Collide / Anakin Skywalker x Reader (Chapter 6)

[a Star Wars x Avengers crossover]

Summary: You go to Onderon and meet someone you’ve been longing to see. Another call to home ensues and hearts get broken.

Warnings: angst, maybe cursing, I can’t think of anything else. oh and bad plot lmao

WC: 4.0k

A/N: this isn’t proof read so it might be scuffed.

read chapter 5 here

C O R U S C A N T

After the nightmares began, Anakin was rarely around, only making you more susceptible to the dark side. You truly did want to tell him about what had been keeping you up at night, but how were you going to contact him when he was never around and the connection the two of you shared was seemingly cut off? You weren’t able to feel his emotions nor feel his presence. It was as if he had blocked you off, almost like he was dead, but he wasn’t. You knew that he went on more campaigns as he was barely spending time in the temple, wanting to stay as far away from you. And if the two of you ever were in the same room by sheer luck, he pretended that you didn’t exist.

On days where both Anakin and Obi Wan were gone, you trained with a girl named Xin. In a way, she reminded you of the mandalorian Sabine: intelligent, strong, and creative. She was skilled with her lightsaber, but also greatly skilled in hand to hand combat, making her an excellent training partner. When all three of them were gone, you spent time learning binary after shortly being gifted a droid. R2-KT, or Kaytee as you liked to call her, accompanied you on your walks around the Jedi temple, often telling you random facts about it or Coruscant.

As time passed, you noticed how the council became weary of your presence. After noticing the color of your saber, which wasn’t hard to miss, the Jedi Masters seemed to focus their attention on you whenever you were in the room with them. You would have liked to believe that you had begun to earn their trust, but you understood their cautiousness towards you. Hell, you would’ve probably reacted the same way if someone came to Earth using a big stone hidden in the middle of nowhere claiming that the fate of the universe rested in their hands.

The halls of the temple were empty- excluding the sentinels- as you roamed around with Kaytee at your side. It was still so surreal being in the Jedi temple. Six months ago you were on Earth, spending time with your family. It seemed so long ago since you were first introduced to Star Wars.

You were foreign to the concept of bonding, spending time with your peers. After spending almost 17 years in foster care, you learned to not attach yourself. To become cold, detached, and observant of your surroundings. With your arrival to the tower, it became a shock to you when you found out that the team spent time together willingly. Some nights they played games like Uno and Cards Against Humanity. You would always sit in the corner and watch them, not comfortable enough to be engaging with them in such a way like that. On the nights where they watched movies, you would always sit in the furthest seat away from the group. It stayed like that until Peter started coming to the bonding nights.

Due to the fact that he was still young, he stayed with his Aunt May. Only coming to the tower to help Tony with his projects. So it was a surprise to see him there, but you couldn’t help feel more comfortable knowing that someone else your age was there.

“So, what’re we watching tonight?” He asked. The team let out a couple of groans, unsure of what they were getting into. “How about we watch Star Wars? I bet you those two grandpas haven’t seen it yet.”

“Hey! Watch it, Peter.” Steve said, putting his hand over his heart to feign hurt. All it took for him to apologize was one glance at Bucky. “Sorry Mister Winter- uhh James- Bucky-- no. Sir Barnes. And Steve.”

He goes to sit down, but before he does, he takes a survey of the room. He notices you sitting alone on the couch, “Hey, why don’t you come sit closer?” He asked. You shake your head, telling him that you were alright where you were. “What about you? Have you seen Star Wars?” You quickly shake your head, you see Peter’s eyes widen and he takes off to sit in the empty spot next to you.

“OMG. WHAT? How have you never seen the movies?”

“Not everyone has the privilege to have a normal childhood. I just so happened to be one of those kids.” You informed him.

“Right, sorry.” He apologized, his hand awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. “I’m sure you’ll love the movies though.”

Peter was right. After watching A New Hope, the team had retired to their respective rooms, but the two of you had stayed up all night finishing the movies. After watching all three trilogies, you had a new found obsession, especially for a certain Skywalker. Even though some people thought that Anakin was a bad character, and sure the script was really bad, you really did love him. So when he betrayed Obi Wan to save Padme, your heart couldn’t help but break. Poor man was so whipped for the pussy :( I guess you could call it to die for.

Although your time on Coruscant was limited, you did your best to enjoy it. The six months you had spent here so far had been a gift. The environment was truly mesmerizing, and you wanted to share it with Peter. You tried not to call him often, the time difference was just slightly confusing. While six months might’ve passed for you, it had only been a month for your family back home.

You were broken out of your reverie by the buzzing of your holocom, requesting your presence in the council room. Making your way into the room, you told Kaytee to wait by the doors. You stood in the middle of the room with your hands clasped behind your back, waiting for them to address you.

“Nice to see you it is.” Master yoda said. “A task for you, we have.”

A task? What could they possibly want you to do? There was no way they’d be sending you on a mission, they never did.

“We want you to travel to Onderon. They are celebrating their liberation from the separatists. I don’t know why but Anakin and Obi Wan would like for you to be present-” Before Mace can finish his sentence he is cut off.

“I believe what Master Windu is trying to say is that they would both like for you to experience what our galaxy has to offer.” Shaak Ti answered for him. “There will be other Jedi there too, but you will be traveling on your own.” She said. “Oh, and please keep in mind, this celebration is also being held in remembrance for Steela, their fallen leader.”

“Understood, may I leave now?” Master Yoda gave you a nod, allowing you to leave. You made your way to the hangar, Kaytee following close behind you. Well, it looks like it was time to see Anakin again.

O N D E R O N

Your journey to Onderon is short, but you take the time to fiddle with Kaytee. Cleaning her up to make her look presentable. Weeks after you were gifted the droid, you took the time to fix her up and reprogram her to your liking. With the touch of a button, you could make her record a hologram, send her your location, or gouge out someone's eye if needed. You truly did love your droid, and you thanked the stars that Stark taught you how to code, program, and build trinkets of your own.

Kaytee lands the ship with a heavy thud, “I know you're excited to see Artoo, but we need to be careful with this ship. It’s not ours.” You told her, and in return you get a series of apologetic beeps. The door opens with a hiss, you signal for Kaytee to follow you. Stepping off, you notice all of the other ships outside of Iziz. It was like all the entirety of the galactic senate was here, which you really didn’t doubt. You felt out of place in your Jedi robes. People were arriving in magnificent, mind blowing outfits. Gowns with tails that trailed far behind them and tuxes with flowy capes. This ball was going to have it all.

The bustle of the market only intensified with the oncomers. You had to make your way to the temple before you got distracted. By the time you reached the temple doors, the crowd lessened, or so you thought. Entering the temple, you were greeted at the sight of hundreds of people. You felt blood rush to your cheeks as people began to turn and stare at you. Screw the Jedi Council for not giving me a nice outfit to change into. Just as you were about to turn around and wander through the market, you heard your voice being called out. You tried to find where the sound was coming from, only to get confused and jolt your head around violently as if you were a loth cat.

“Alyra! Over here!.” Your feet began moving on their own accord. As if you were being drawn to a presence. You come to a screeching halt in front of.. Anakin, of course it's him. Why am I not surprised that the force has literally brought me to him? Along with Obi Wan, R2, and Padme. Oh my god, wait, it’s Padme. I could kiss her right now if I wanted to. But I won’t. That would be weird, won’t it. Kissing her in front of her husband, who is my-

“Alyra, are you alright?” Obi Wan asks, breaking you out of your internal ramble.

“Yeah, I was just...trying to take all of this in. I’ve never seen anything like this.” You responded, pretending to look around the temple.

“It seems like you space out a lot.” He jokes, a smile on his face before he realizes no one else is laughing. He rolls his eyes before continuing, “Anyways, welcome to Onderon. This is my good friend, Senator Padmé Amidala of Naboo.” He turns to face her while he introduces you to her. You hold out a hand, expecting for her to shake it. Instead she walks up to you and takes you within her hold. She hugs you tightly, you can feel her protruding belly.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you! Anakin has talked a lot about you.” Both you and Obi Wan furrow your brows at the mention of Anakin speaking of you. Padme is quick to notice this and corrects herself, “I mean of what he’s mentioned to me about you today. Right, Ani?” She validates.

“Yeah, only good things though.” He testified, avoiding your gaze. It was weird that he was mentioning you to his pregnant wife, what was there to talk about? Not to mention the fact that he had been avoiding your presence for months now.

You squinted your eyes at him, “I could only hope so, seeing as though we haven’t spoken in awhile.” you accused. What in the world is he up to now?

You can practically see the gears turning in his head as he tries to come up with a comeback, before he can utter a word, he’s interrupted by Padme.

“C’mon, let’s go to your room and get you changed.” Once again, you furrow your brows.

“Changed, what do you mean changed?” You ask her.

“What, did you think I’d just let you roam around the ball in those ugly Jedi robes? Come, I’ll let you borrow one of my dresses.” She drags you away by the arm, Anakin and Obi Wan shouting at her. Something about Jedi robes not being ugly, you couldn’t really hear with Padme’s giggles silencing them. Kaytee let’s out a giggle of her own as she follows you, Artoo’s personality rubbing off on her.

Padmé all but practically throws you onto your bed as she ushers one of her handmaidens, Teckla, to bring the dresses into your room. Teckla wheels in a rack filled with elegant looking dresses, along with a bunch of different heels. All looking like they could snap your ankle in half if you walked the wrong way. The first dress she hands you is body conforming up until it reaches your knees, from there it fans out creating a mermaid gown effect. While the dress itself was very beautiful, you thought of it to be too plain for an event like this. You and Padme both share a look before agreeing that this was in fact not the dress.

However, the next dress she hands you is a proper ball gown. You slip it on, taken aback by how heavy the dress was. She walks up behind you to tighten the corset of the gown. She does her best to tighten it up without hurting you, but you can’t help let out a wheeze as she gets closer to tying it off.

“Sorry, as much as I love this dress, I also hate it. I’m so glad I’m pregnant so I don’t have to feel it stabbing me at every given chance.” She said, breaking the silence.

“How many months are you?” You asked.

“I’m six months along now, almost seven.” She finishes tying up the corset before stepping aside. “What do you think?”

“Well, it certainly is fit for an event like this and I do think it’s beautiful. But it’s crushing me with every breath I take. I feel like if I sit down, I won’t be able to get back up.”

“Right, well I can fix that.” This time she takes her time picking out the next dress. She lets her fingers brush across the different fabrics, stopping at one that caught her eye. “Here, try this one!” She suggests. By the look on her face, you can already tell that this is the one. The dress is flowy and soft looking. You step into the dress, pleased to find yourself correct. It feels like you have nothing on. Padme helps you zip the dress up, along with clasping together the leather pieces. The light blue tulle layered over the dark blue, almost purple material complimented your skin tone. The dress had a deep v-neck, showing off your cleavage. Right below your collarbone laid a strap of leather, connecting to either side of your thick shoulder straps. From those straps, a thin piece of tulle was stitched on, giving you two separate mini capes for your arms. Aside from a strap of leather covering your spine, the dress is completely backless. It feels like you could go frolicking in this dress. Who am I kidding, Padme probably went frolicking in this dress with Anakin.

“So, what do you think?” Her tone is hushed, as if she was trying to figure out whether you hated or loved the dress.

“It’s beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.” You respond. “Kaytee, what do you reckon?” The droid let’s out a series of delights beeps, showing her contentment towards the dress.

“Great!” Padmé says before ushering you into a chair. “Now, we're going to do your hair and makeup. So sit still.” For once in your life, you shut up and sit still, allowing Padme to work her magic.

“Do you know the gender?” You asked, your question breaking the silence, and while the atmosphere wasn’t exactly awkward, it wasn’t comfortable either.

“Oh no, I’d rather not. It’s not like it matters to me anyways. As long as my child is happy and healthy, then so am I. But it’s ironic because I haven’t been to a check up yet.” Padme gently pulls your hair back, leaving two pieces in the front to frame your face. It was simple, not taking any attention away from the dress.

No check up? Maybe that’s why Padme didn’t know she was having twins. “So you haven’t seen a doctor or a medical droid yet?” Your eyes follow her as she pulls makeup out of her bag, her collection vast.

“No, not really. I don’t have very much time to myself due to the fact that I’m a part of the senate. But I do my best to make sure I stay healthy for my baby and me. I also just want it to be a surprise.” Padme finds a foundation shade similar to your skin tone and blends it in.

“What if you have twins? What will you do then?” You probably weren’t supposed to be asking her questions like these, but you couldn’t help it. Maybe you should’ve asked why she had so much makeup instead.

“Well..” She sighed while blotting powder all over your face. “..I suppose if it happens, then it happens. It’s the will of the force.” She finishes powdering your face before moving to your eyebrows. Padme takes an angled brow brush and begins to fill them in, giving it a naturally fuller look.

“So, you believe in the force?”

“How could I not? I work so closely with the Jedi, I’ve seen what you guys have done. The father is very close friends with the Jedi.” Padme said, implying that the father was in fact a Jedi. It felt like you were intruding, but then again, you weren’t necessarily forcing her to tell you this. You had only met her moments ago and she already trusted you enough with her secrets.

“Really? I thought the Jedi weren’t allowed to form attachments?”

“Oh… we weren’t really together. It was sort of a one night thing. But he’s going to be in the child’s life.” She covered up.

The conversation went on like that for a while before Padme announced that she was finished with you. After finishing your makeup and adding some finishing touches to your hair, she finally stepped aside, letting you see yourself in the mirror.

The second you saw yourself, your mouth fell open in shock. You looked absolutely ethereal. Padme kept your makeup very natural to bring out your features. She also added small, white flowers into your hair. You excitedly thanked her and got up to hug her as a way to show your gratitude.

“Shall we get going now?” She offered

“Oh, if it was alright with you, I was going to stay behind. I have to contact somebody.” You asked

“Of course, I’ll see you later then.” She said before gathering all of her belongings and leaving with Teckla. As Padme arrives, Anakin notices that you weren’t with her.

“Where’s Alyra?�� He asked her, eager to see what she would look like out of her Jedi robes.

“She said she had to talk to someone.”

Meanwhile, in your room you were getting ready to call Peter. Honestly, you had no idea if you had connection on Onderon, but you were about to find out. Taking off your necklace, you were pleased to see the green light, indicating that you were indeed connected to the bridge. You scroll through your contacts before finding Peter’s name. You hit the dial button and wait for it to connect.

E A R T H

Peter is sleeping when he gets a call, the bracelet on his left hand vibrating. He thinks nothing of it and almost declines the call. That is until he realizes it’s you calling on the bracelet he had designated just for you. He jumps up from his sleeping position and quickly answers your call. Peter can’t help but let out a gasp of awe the very second your face pops onto the hologram.

“What? Is there something on my face?” You move closer towards the camera and inspect your face, only to find no flaws.

“Nothing...it’s just been so long since I’ve seen you like this.”

“Like what?” Your eyebrows scrunch together, the confusion clear on your face.

“All… dolled up.” Peter’s response makes your face blush a hot red. You let out a shy laugh as your hand comes to rest at the back of your neck. He was right, it had been so long since you’ve felt this pretty. It felt good, for once you had felt good.

“Thanks, Pete. It feels good to be in something other than Jedi robes.”

“Not that I’m saying you can’t be dressed up like this, but exactly why are you so dressed up?” He pondered, he knew it wasn’t like the Jedi to go about their duties in exquisite gowns.

“I’m actually on Onderon.” You pan the camera towards the view outside of your window. “The Jedi have invited me to a celebration of Onderon’s liberation. But also in memory of Steela I believe. I really wish you were here with me. I still don’t understand why they couldn’t have sent both of us.”

“I miss you too, but you know I have a duty here on Earth.”

“Duty? So did I Peter!”

“You know I didn’t mean it like that. With me being Spiderman-”

“It’s not like they don’t have any other superheroes. I mean come on, admit it! You know more about Star Wars than I possibly could. You should be here with me.” You huff out before changing the subject, “Anyways, how are you? Did you end up fixing things with MJ?”

“I’m fine, but no, we didn’t. We both agreed that we’d be better off as friends. Besides I’ve already moved on.” He confessed, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. It’s now or never Peter, you’ve gotta tell her.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear about your split. But hopefully you and this new person will work out-”

“It’s you.” He says, abruptly cutting you off. Peter watches you tilt your head as your brows scrunch together again.

“Excuse me?”

“It’s you,” He repeats, taking a deep breath before speaking again, “It’s always been you. I didn’t realize it until you had left… I didn’t think I could miss someone so much.”

“Peter…. I don’t know what to say.” You uttered out,

“Please, say something- anything.” He begged, hoping he hadn’t just ruined years of friendship. Peter watches as you open and close your mouth, searching for the right words.

“...I can’t.” You say as you shake your head. “I can’t be with you, Peter.”

“Why? Is it because of my age? Come on, Y/N, I’m only two years younger than you.” He pleads

“It’s not that. You’re just not the right person for me, Peter. I know it in my very soul.”

“Oh yeah? And who is, Anakin?” He taunts, he can feel his eyes water as he watches you look away from him. “No freakin’ way. You’ve got to be kidding me.” Peter lets out a scoff.

“You’ve got to understand Pete, I love him. I really do.”

“NO! You don’t love him. You’re just obsessed with him. You think you can save him but you can’t! No one can! You can’t change his destiny.”

“What do you even know about love? You can’t tell me who I can and can’t love. It doesn’t work like that. You know nothing about it-”

“I LOVE YOU!” He screams, breaking the silence in his Queen’s apartment, surely waking up May. “Why isn’t that enough?” Peter watches as tears slowly stream down your face as he lets out a few of his own.

“I’ve got to see this out until the end, you know that Peter...I could only wish that it was enough, but it’s not. You’re like a brother to me, don’t do this to me. To our friendship...I’ve got to go now.”

“No, you don’t get to leave again-”

“I’m sorry, goodbye, Peter.” You end the call and Peter is left staring at the wall, mouth hung open in shock. He couldn’t believe this just happened to him. He faintly makes out the sound of Aunt May knocking on his door.

Without waiting for a response, she cracks open his door. She takes notice of the tears falling off of his face and closes her mouth. Aunt May is silent as she makes her way across his room, holding her arms out for him. Peter gratuitously accepts her embrace, his sobs muffled by her clothes.

No words are spoken as Peter cries his heart out, never in a million years did he think you’d be the one to break him.

collide tags: @deepcollectionmagazine @amesstm @haileyybird

#star wars #anakin #Anakin Skywalker #anakin skywalker x reader #anakin skywalker x you #Anakin Skywalker x Padme Amidala #anakin skywalker fanfic #Padme Amidala #obi wan kenobi #marvel #mcu #marvel cinematic universe #peter parker x reader #Peter Parker x reader angst #unrequited love #its been so long #sorry lmao

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hatsukeii · 4 years ago

Note

One where y/n has been obviously in love with Tsuki since they were kids and not afraid to show it, but he’s always been lowkey mean to her and thinks she’s annoying and then finally years later she decides he’s not a nice guy and let’s him know she’s fine with all that crap and then he realizes he’s falling for her and does something really sweet for her and they fall in love? 😭😭🥺👉🏻👈🏻 ty in advance. Sorry if this is too long or specific, if it is, feel free to ignore

I genuinely hope you didn’t think I would actually ignore this<33

IM SORRY IM A MASTER PROCRASTINATOR ILY ALL AND YOU ALL DESERVE AN APOLOGY FROM ME

Dear diary//Tsukishima Kei x Reader

Word Count: 1.4k+

Warnings: Cursing

Genre: Angst??? I guess???

Summary: He’s an ass, but you still love him to bits, and it’s killing you.

July 16, 2008

Dear Diary,

I got to play with Tsukki again! He had his dino with him, it was super cute! He told me his front teeth came off last night, and there’s a big hole in his teeth, but it’s okay, because he said it will grow back. I tried to hold his hand while going down the twin slides but he said it was sweaty, so next time I’ll wear gloves!

You flip through the hot pink diary, cringing at your young infatuation. Your diary entries were cringey as fuck, but they always rekindle something within you whenever you read them. You can’t even remember when you stopped writing in the book. Was it when you turned 10? Maybe 12? You don’t have a single clue.

April 30, 2011

Dear Diary,

Tsukki refused to marry me in the playground at break:(( I’ve known him for so long though, aren’t we supposed to get married? I just wanna hold his hand and hug him and give him a biiiiig kiss<33

Chuckling at the memory, you recalled the event from that entry clearly. You were seven years old only, still an immature kid. You still thought that getting married in a middle school playground was a huge milestone in life, almost as crucial as a legal marriage.

May 29, 2016

Dear Diary,

Love how Tsukki didn’t even remember my birthday:,) Must be nice getting made fun of. Half the students in my class felt my second hand embarrassment from when he completely forgot about it. God, why am I even in love with this asshole? I’m gonna have to go to school tomorrow and deal with all my classmates making fun of me for being hopeless. Brb, currently digging a hole for myself:)

Frowning at the memory, you think back to when you were twelve. He was an asshole then, still is an asshole to this day. And yet not an ounce of your unconditional love and support for him has faded. Grabbing a tissue, you wipe the remaining tears from your eyes, ignoring the dried tear stains on your cheek. Your hand slams onto the bedside table, lazily feeling for your phone. Tilting it towards your face, you sigh at the empty lock screen, accepting defeat. Flicking through the rest of the book, you are welcomed by pages and pages of white. “So that’s when I gave up on this diary...” you mutter to yourself as you lift yourself up from your bed. Heading towards your desk, you absentmindedly grab yourself a pen, notebook in hand. Slamming the diary down, you open it up to the next entry page after your last one, gently placing the tip of your pen on the first line. You grab your hair out of frustration, the ink bleeding into the thin paper. “What to do, what to do...?” You mumble, starting to form sentences in your notebook.

July 17, 2020

Dear Diary,

It’s been a while hasn’t it? Holy shit, all my entries were about Tsukki weren’t they? Jesus, of course they were. At least I was able to get it off my chest this afternoon. Telling him that I’ve been in love with him for years, that was fucking terrifying. Telling him that although I know he’s an ass, an animatronic dick complete with ballsack, that won’t stop me from falling harder, it was gut wrenching, but also relieving to a certain degree. I’m still waiting for some form of response, although I’m not sure I’m gonna get one anytime soon. I can’t decide whether telling him was the dumbest or bravest decision I’ve made. Maybe it was both. Just wait until I look back on this entry like a decade later and still cry about it lmao. Tbh he’s a genuinely nice person at heart. I know that all too well. He may be an ass most the time, and he may think I’m annoying, but despite how hard he tries to push me away, I’ll never abandon him. Jesus Christ, I sound like a yandere here, but it’s not that. It’s that I care for him a lot. Maybe even a bit too much. It’s ridiculous how absolute and utter shit a crush can make you feel.

Throwing the pen down, you flop back onto your bed, huffing into the thick blankets. You stay silent, not sure of what to think of the situation. “I’ll just deal with it all tomorrow, I’m tired of this shit.”

On the other side of the incident, Tsukishima is currently going through a mental crisis.

The blond sits at his desk, eyes unwavering, but focusing on nothing. It feels as if he hasn’t blinked in what seemed to be hours. Just hours of staring at his wall that led to nothing. Your confession plays in his head nonstop, like a broken record that refused to run out of battery.

“The thing is I like you. I’m pretty sure I always have. And I know that you’re such an asshole and all that, you won’t treat me as well as people would expect, but it’s fine. I’m fine with all that. All the dumb, stupid, careless insults you’ll throw at me, the side eyes and sneers, telling me to shut up and go away, I’m fine with it. I know you’re a good person, and that’s all that matters to me.”

“Well shit what the fuck do you want me to say?”

Maybe he shouldn’t have said that.

Maybe he should have let you down slowly.

But as he stares at his wall, the photos of the two of you framed and balanced on his floating shelves, he starts to reconsider his feelings.

The way your expression faltered then as you hastily took your bag and rushed away without a single word, the way you avoided him in the halls, the way you stopped talking to him throughout the day, it drove him crazy. He couldn’t handle the realisation that he hurt you so incredibly badly, so now all he can do is stare at his empty, blank wall. Did he know why he felt that way? No. He didn’t and still doesn’t. He’s Tsukishima fucking Kei, the emotionless, provoking, unlikeable king, yet a mere girl is somehow able to mess with his mind so badly, that all he can do is wallow in regret and confusion? What is this weird feeling? His throat itches, his heart is beating like crazy, sweat starting to gather around his temples. He clamps his two hands together, slamming his forehead onto them and squeezing his eyes shut.

How could I have been so dense?

How was he unable to see that you were absolutely in love with him? Even with the bento boxes, birthday gifts, constant compliments, he still only ever thought you liked him as a friend. However he never did. He likes you more than that. Way more. Yes, he thought, and still thinks you can be annoying at times, especially when you nag at him about not eating enough or being rude, but it was undeniable that there was something else he felt. But his stupid ass shitty ego would never let him admit it. And now that you finally confessed, he freaked out and fucked up. Even then, he didn’t think it would affect him to this extent.

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you (Y/N).”

He says that over and over again, desperate to cloud out the disagreeing thoughts in his head that scream otherwise.

“It was a stupid middle school crush, I’m over you.”

The guilt didn’t go away.

In fact, now that he’s said all that, he feels even worse. Oh how much he wants to find you right this second, wrap you in his arms, tell you how incredibly sorry he is, but he can’t. He doesn’t deserve to do that. His heart is begging for him to just get out of the house and run to yours as fast as he could, but his body won’t move. He wants to cry. Scream. Shout. Throw something. Shatter something. But most of all, he wants to get another chance.

Picking up his phone, he hesitates, before typing in your contact, the cleared out, empty chatroom showing up on his screen. Going as fast as his fingers could, he typed out the one sentence he’s been dying to let out.

“It was a middle school crush, but I’m still into you. I always have been.”

Is it just me, or is this bad-

Idk man it seems like all my fics are pretty much the same and I hate it😌

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I’m back to writing lmao I’m bored in two week quarantine rn

Edit: cue me realising I was half asleep and missed something in the request don’t be surprised if I repost this💀💀💀💀

Btw the hq manga just ended time to cry

💕💕💕💕

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illfoandillfie · 4 years ago

Note

So second time lucky 😅 can I request a continuation of the 'fight me you attractive stranger' blurb, that one is soo good i love how you wrote roger in it leaving her all flustered 😆 maybe we'll find out if she went to the stall and if they had that 'wrestle' after all 👀😂 only if you would want to of course! 😁💕

here you go darl! This was a fun one to write - I love the competitive energy these two have lmao

warnings: smut, a bit of biting, dom!rog, edging/denial, fingering

Fight Me blurb

Blurb Advent: Day 17

Truth be told, you hadn’t expected the coat to be real. As Freddie had promised, Roger called that evening, his voice somehow more rough and enticing over the phone, to tell you the coat was available if you’d like to claim it.

“Uh, yes, I would like it. Been thinking about it all day. When’s the stall next open so I can come by and pick it up?”

“Well, normally I’d tell you to come by on Saturday but, seeing as you know what you want, I think I can make an exception this time. If you’d like it a bit sooner than the weekend, you could come by my place.”

It smelt a little fishy to you. Inviting you to his place for a coat you couldn’t guarantee existed. You really should just tell him to fuck off. But…what if the coat was there? You didn’t want to lose it after you’d given up the other one to Roger. Besides, if you went in suspicious of him and his pretty face, then he wasn’t going to be able to pull the wool over your eyes. So you agreed and took down his address, promising to be there in a few hours.

You took a little while to get ready, maybe making more effort with your appearance than was strictly necessary. But, if you were being completely honest, he’d been in your head all day and you wanted to leave him with the same impression. Changing your underwear to the matching set might have been a bit far since he wouldn’t see it, but you could justify it. It was your favourite set and made you feel more confident which could only help, especially if your suspicions were correct and he was just trying to have it on with you. You were glad you’d made the extra effort when you got to his place though. Roger opened the door, still dressed in the same jeans and shirt you’d first seen him in. He held a bottle of beer in one hand which he waved absentmindedly as he invited you in and offered you a drink too.

“No, I’m right thanks.”

“Suit yourself. Sorry about the mess,” he gestured vaguely around the living room as he lead you through it and you saw a collection of text books and pages of notes strewn about the carpet though they took up less space than the drumkit that had been set up by the wall, “been studying for an exam and it’s doing my head in. Glad you’re here so I can have a bit of a break.”

“So, is, um, is Freddie here?” “Nah, he’s not in tonight, he’s at a mate’s place so they can work on an assignment together or something.”

“So, where is it then? This coat?” you were sick of the small talk.

“Right, the coat. It’s in my bedroom, just this way.” Roger led you on, talking over his shoulder, “we keep most of the stock in there cause it’s the biggest room in the flat.”

You nodded along though you were sure your suspicions were about to be confirmed.

Roger stepped towards a rack as you hovered in the doorway, but when he turned there really was a fur coat clutched between his hands. “Here you are then. If you wanna try it on there’s a mirror in the corner. It’s in pretty good nick. There is a button missing but that’s easy enough to fix if you want. Its also not going to matter too much if you don’t. Otherwise it’s as good as new really.”

As Roger spoke, you put the coat on, surprised not only that it was real but also that it was so nice. It fit well, and felt warm and soft.

“So, is it up to scratch or are you going to want that fight after all?” You shook your head, “It’s perfect, I’ll take it.”

“Excellent. Saves me having to lug it around on the weekend. Anything else you want to look at while you’re here? I’m sure I’ve got something to tempt you.”

You ignored the suggestive tone and shook your head, “Think the coat will do me.”

Roger nodded and gave you the price, watching as you counted it out and handed it over.

You felt odd once the transaction was complete. Nothing had gone quite how you’d expected it to. The coat had been legitimate and aside from one or two suggestive comments Roger hadn’t been at all like how he was at the boutique. You’d gone in expecting an argument or at least for him to make a proper pass at you. Perhaps that was why, taking another look in the mirror, you said, “Freddie was right, it’s much nicer than the one I let you have,”

“Oh you let me have it did you?” Roger snorted, “Sure, okay.”

“Well what would you have called it?”

“I’d say you were conned.”

“What?” you whipped around to look at him, “Conned into giving you the better coat? I don’t think so.”

“Oh no, that coat is lovely and you should be very happy with your purchase. I wouldn’t sell you garbage after we promised you something nice. But for all you knew we were spinning shit. The coat might very well have never existed, the whole story of the market stall might have been bullshit. But you just believed it and let me take the coat in the store from you and then gave your number to two strangers. Bit stupid really.”

“I’ll have you know I suspected it was all fake.”

“Oh, okay. So that’s why you came over here. For a coat you didn’t think was real.”

“I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. It’s called having faith.”

“Mmhmm, sure. Unless you were looking for something else,”

You couldn’t believe how quickly he’d got you on the back foot, your mind scrambling to think of something clever to say, “Like what?”

“Perhaps that wrestle I promised you. What was it you said before…fight me you attractive stranger?”

You gaped at Roger, mouth opening and closing as you tried to come up with something to say.

“I suspect you’ve been thinking about that all day. Wondering what it’s be like to pinned by me. Nothing to say? I expected more from someone who was so sure she could have me begging.”

“I could,” you finally managed to get out, taking a step towards him, “I was just surprised you remembered what I’d said.”

“Well maybe you weren’t the only one thinking about it.”

“You were?”

“All fucking day. You really got under my skin you know?”

You shrugged off the coat, letting it hit the floor, “Good. Should make it easier to take you when you’re so distracted.”

“Oh you’ll take me well enough I’m sure” Roger growled, stepping towards you as he pulled off his shirt, “but you’ll have to beg for it first.”

“Never gonna happen,” your shirt joined the growing pile of clothes on the floor and your pants were quick to follow.

“You’ve been pretty mouthy so far, so we’ll see. Did you wear those just for me?” he asked, indicating your underwear as he finally put his hands on you, squeezing your waist as he pulled you in close.

You didn’t answer, just pulled him into a kiss. It was rough, leaving you both with bitten lips and panting breath as each of you tried to take the lead. Roger pulled you back towards the bed though you pushed him down onto it first, straddling his lap as you kissed him again. He reached behind you to unclasp your bra and you broke the kiss to sit up and pull it off your arms. As soon as it was out of the way Roger grasped your wrists and flipped you onto your back.

“Told you I was stronger than I look.” He winked, readjusting so he was holding your wrists above your head with one hand, his other sliding down your body. He grasped your breasts and then continued his path down, cupping your pussy over your underwear.

You wriggled trying to free yourself or force his hand harder against your core.

Roger laughed, “What happened love? Thought you said you’d be able to get on top?”

You groaned, his condescending tone only turning you on more.

Slowly he dragged his hand over the front of your knickers, rubbing you, his middle finger pressing between your lips.

Without meaning to you bucked your hips up as much as you could, trying to get more friction.

Roger took the hint, pulling your underwear down to your knees to he could touch you properly, grinning when you whined at his touch, “Feels good doesn’t it?”

“Bite me,”

“That can be arranged, love, especially if it makes you wetter.”

You groaned as he leaned forward, keeping his eyes locked on yours until the last second, and attached his lips to your breast. You felt his teeth press into you slowly, the bite getting harder and harder as you gasped and arched your back towards him. When he pulled back he admired his work, letting go of your wrists to trace the mark with a finger.

You tried to take advantage of your newly freed limbs, to flip things around and get on top of him instead, but he chose that moment to sink two fingers into you, his other hand pressing down on your hip to keep you in place.

“Nice try, love,” he cooed, “But I haven’t heard you beg yet.”

“Not gon-na happen,” you said lowly, your breath coming harder as he stretched you open with his fingers.

“Okay,” his tone made it very clear he didn’t believe you and you had to admit your conviction was wavering. His fingers pumping into you felt good but it wasn’t enough. Every so often he would brush you clit, just to prove he knew it was there and show he was intentionally avoiding it. Instead he focused on fingering you, pressing two and then three fingers into you, speeding up their rhythm and then slowing it down when you moaned too much. You could feel the orgasm building but he kept it just out of reach, whispering at you to beg for him. Internally you fought with yourself, your stubborn desire to prove him wrong or at least make it hard for him arguing with your desperate need for release.

“I can do this all night, love.” He said softly as you whimpered, “I know you think I’ll give in and just fuck you but I wont. I don’t need your cunt. And I won’t take it until you ask me to.”

You shook your head.

“It’s true. I can keep you here like this for as long as it takes.”

“You’ll want to cum too,” you gasped as he circled your clit and then stopped again.

“True. But I don’t mind using my hand for that. I’ll just do it over you. Keep my fingers in your tight little cunt while I wank myself off over your stomach. As many times as it takes. And if I were you, I’d give in and beg now, before that happens. If you wait too long I’ll be spent and I’ll just have to keep going like this until I’m ready again.”

That was enough for you, “Fuck okay, okay, you win, just please fuck me.”

“You mean it?”

“Yes, please, I need it so bad, I need you so bad.”

“Good girl,”

You whined as he removed his fingers to get rid of his own underwear before immediately sheathing himself inside you. You moaned as he finally fucked you right, his thumb rubbing you clit in constant circles, no longer teasing you with tantalising moments of contact. You came quickly, having danced around the edge for so long but Roger didn’t stop.

“I think you can do another, can’t you?”

You just nodded, willing to let him have whatever he wanted now that you’d already given in.

He leaned forward and kissed you again, no where near as harsh as the first kiss had been. You moaned into his mouth as he kept fucking you, a constant deep pressure that just pushed you towards the edge once again.

“I’m close are you close?” he asked eventually, the words forced out between breaths and groans.

“Mmhmm,” you nodded, squeezing your eyes shut as you willed yourself to finish.

Thankfully it didn’t take much longer, Roger’s fingers still steady on your clit as he encouraged you to cum, and you found yourself moaning his name as your orgasm hit. He pulled out once you’d calmed and pumped his fist over his slick cock until he came too, coating your stomach though you couldn’t find the energy to care too much.

“Worth it?” he panted as he collapsed beside you.

“Yeah,” you said, equally as breathless, “but I’ll want a rematch later.”

#my writing #my blurbs #smut blurb #blurb advent 2020 #roger taylor x reader #roger taylor smut #roger taylor imagine #scorpiogemini

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shikakunaras · 4 years ago

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Shikaku/inoichi with 58 or 93?

93.) “A walk in the woods might do you some good. Clear your head.”

I love writing Inoichi and Shikaku ;w;

Under the cut for length | Rated G

(Fuck Danzo lmao)

Ao3 link

Shikaku was losing his cool demeanor. Being stuck in a small room was one thing. Being stuck in a small room with the world’s most annoying clock and Danzo’s grating voice was another.

“We need to make sure our military budget is up to par with the other villages. We can’t seem weak.” Danzo’s insistence on taking money from important places like Konoha’s infrastructure only pissed Shikaku off more.

The Nara glanced at Tsunade, her usual stony demeanor was cracking. Now it was a mad dash to see who snapped at the festering old man first.

“I doubt Suna gives a shit.” Tsunade mumbled, tapping her long painted nails on the hardwood table the Council sat at. Another annoying noise. Not like Shikaku can tell the Hokage to stop.

It’s been four hours since they sat down, hopes high that this would be a quick meeting. He even told Inoichi he’d be back in an hour. The Yamanaka had rolled his eyes and sighed, muttering something about his optimism being wasted. Both men know how long meetings can get when Danzo calls them, yet the Nara remained optimistic.

“Can we call the meeting?” The Daimyo sighed, trying to speed the half assed meeting up.

“As long as Lady Tsunade agrees to put the funds required back into the military.” Danzo loved goading the Hokage on because Tsunade couldn't do anything about it.

“Shut up Danzo.” Shikaku rolled his eyes, he had lost the bet. He owed Tsunade a drink. “We don’t have the money. You know that. If we take from the infrastructure we won’t have the money to rebuild Konoha.” The Pein attack was a year ago and they are still having issues rebuilding. They borrowed so much money from Suna and Kiri that they will be in debt until Naruto becomes Hokage.

“He’s got a point.” Tsunade smirked, feeling the tension finally snap between the Nara and the old man.

“I fail to see the funding for anything really.” The Daimyo glanced at Danzo’s military plan. “Until we can get Konoha back on its feet I think we should leave the military alone.”

“Agreed.” Tsunade nodded, fully avoiding Danzo’s angry glare.

“Deal.” Shikaku stood up and gathered his papers, ready to run out of the room and go home.

“Meeting dismissed.”

Tsunade kept the fast pace Shikaku had set as soon as they made it out of the building. “This won’t be the end of his pestering.”

“The last two hours of that meeting I was imagining all the ways I could kill him.” The Nara made it to his office in record time.

“Just two hours?” Tsunade raised her eyebrow and laughed.

“I spent the other two thinking about how to get rid of that clock.” Shikaku slammed his papers down on his desk and sighed. “Another four hours I’ll never get back.”

“Well, I’m going home. You can buy me a drink tomorrow.”

“Fine.” The Nara waved Tsunade off. He wanted to be home to see his kids but once again he was robbed. Danzo was on Shikaku’s kill on sight list.

Shikaku grabbed his backpack and took his time home. No need to rush now that Shikamaru and Ino should be asleep after being away on a mission for a week. He has been thinking about retiring early, staying at home to care for the kids while Inoichi would be working. Shikamaru and Ino were fully capable but they still needed a reliable parent. Shikaku’s job was too important - according to Tsunade - so the Yamanaka took the brunt of the decision. Now the blonde was itching to going back full time.

Shikaku paused in front of his door and sighed. He was a terrible father and husband. He felt his anger boil up again, he hated Danzo.

“Hey, what happened?” Inoichi was sitting in the living room with a book in his hand. Shikaku slammed the door shut and shrugged.

“It was all Danzo, trying to force us to give him more money. I’m tired of it.” Shikaku put his backpack down on the table. “I’m missing out on our kids growing up. Ino and Shikamaru are already 17 and It feels like I’ve only seen them half that time.”

“Danzo is a piece of shit, we all know this.” Inoichi was speaking in a hushed tone, hoping Shikaku would follow suit.

“I’m not going to survive the next meeting. I swear I’ll kill him.” Shikaku lowered his voice and bit out his threat. He gripped the chair closest to him, he imagined it was Danzo's neck.

“Someone might beat you to it.” Inoichi rested his book on his lap and crossed his arms.

“He’s on everyone’s hit list.” Shikaku shook his head. There was a silent pause before a loud cracking noise echoed in the room. The Nara glanced down at his hands. He was gripping the chair so hard he had snapped the wood on the back.

“You need to take a deep breath and calm down. A walk in the woods might do you some good. Clear your head.” Inoichi didn’t look upset, just concerned.

“Fine.” Shikaku let the chair go free and left through the back door. Back when the kids were smaller he would take a trip through the woods on tense days. Like the day Shikamaru came home with a black eye after defending Naruto on the playground. Or the day Ino ran to him because she was tripped by a full grown shinobi. Even days where Kakashi or Naruto getting bullied for something out of their control. The forest was his get away to resolve his anger.

Over the years he had managed to remain cool and calm but after seeing how the Konoha government is handling the Pein attack, he’s been having a very hard time quelling his disdain for the older members of the Council.

He wandered around, breathing in the smell of the damp dirt and grass. He stopped to pet the deer that wobbled up to him. He saved a bunny from falling into the lake in the middle of the Nara forest. He saw a baby bird on the ground below its nest and carefully placed it back into its home. By the time he was calm the sun had set and it was too dark for him to go further. Shikaku stepped back into his backyard and spotted his husband lounging in the hammock they set up years ago. He liked to sit in it and look at the stars. Usually Shikaku was curled up next to him, siphoning off the body heat the Yamanaka let out.

“Feeling better?” Inoichi didn't have to look back, he knew Shikaku was calm now.

“Yeah. I’m sorry for the chair.” Shikaku moved next to Inoichi.

Inoichi glanced up at his husband and snorted. “Nothing Yamato can’t fix.”

“True.” Shikaku settled into the hammock and resumed being the cuddly man he used to be. Inoichi watched Shikaku's face for any signs of panic before turning to the stressed Nara.

“You keep this up and you’ll have a heart attack.” Inoichi took Shikaku’s face in his hands. “I mean it. Don’t let Danzo be the one that takes you away from me.”

The Nara felt his heart sink, he didn’t want anyone to worry about him. He also didn’t want Danzo to win. “I swear I’ll be more careful. I’ll do those deep breathing exercises you want me to do.”

“I need to get you a stress ball. Maybe one that looks like Danzo.” Inoichi laughed.

“It will be destroyed in one meeting.” Shikaku kissed the blonde since they were already so close. Inoichi let him go so Shikaku could rest on his chest again.

One day he’ll be able to retire and enjoy more nights with his husband and kids. Shikaku was looking forward to it.

#shikaku/inoichi #shikaku #inoichi #prompt games #anon #answered #Anonymous

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lokisasylum · 3 years ago

Text

writer’s tag

No one tagged me, I’m just your regular insomniac (but without caffeine this time).

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

I used to write for Yuyu Hakusho and Death Note back in the day when I finally coughed up the courage to try writing. But i don’t write for either one anymore since I left both fandoms back in 2009. Then I took a LONG break from fandoms as a whole (due the toxicity in them thanks to the pre-teens who joined afterwards to ruin them 🤢) and instead focused on this original story I had for a couple of years, but then lost interest in it since no one else was into it.

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

Currently? BTS.

3. how long have you been writing?

Y’know, i was gonna say since 2008 when I REALLY got into Death Note and opened my first deviantart account (i was 22 back then). But I’ve actually been writing roughly since I was 13. I used to carry around a large notebook with random dialogues, chapters, scenes, character datas for an original story that never quite came to life. *shrugs*

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

AO3 and sometimes on deviantart (LoKiRaseNgAn), which is also my main art account.

5. what is your favourite genre to write?

Alternative Universes, slice of life, angst with happy endings (most times >>), psychological thriller, strangers to lovers, and of course a bit of smut without plot is good.

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

I make a plan and then wing it till the end LOL. For example, I almost always start writing with the intention of writing a oneshot... and then chapter 02 happens... then chapter 03 and so on...🤷🏻‍♀️

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

BOTH, both is good.

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

I used to think 10-12 pages was THE way to go, because #1. It sets a goal/deadline, #2. Reduces the time it would take to update a story especially if its multi-chartered and #3. It helps prevent unnecessary fillers.

But lately my “endgame” is 20-22 pages long if its a Oneshot or final chapter.

[LMAO I never even did that for my Graduate School Thesis, where the “perfect/acceptable length” was 50 pages per chapter. I only ever did 25-38 and only because I set the spacing to 2.0 and would bullshit my way through the last lines 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 ]

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

For now, Lunatic High , which is 17 chapters long but missing the final one (18). So it remains Incomplete until I can finish that last chapter which I’ve had to re-write several times after the original was lost 😭😭

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

Beautiful Tragedy (soulmate au) and All or Nothing would bet the best pics because both had the exact endings I wanted for them from the start.

11. favourite request you’ve written and why?

I never get requests, so I just write whatever plot bunny’s running wild in my head at 3AM.

12. are there recurring themes in your stories?

angst, hurt/comfort, smut with a bit of humor

13. current number of wips?

*glares at File on my desktop* ...11 unpublished..and 2 multi-chapters that are missing their final chapter.

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

As per typical of a History major since college, I do TONS of research about topics of interest. Especially if Historic events take place (like in Forever, You Said where I did a year of research on the Joseon Dynasty back in late 1600s up until what was going on in the world before, during and after World War II)

I’ve never noticed this, but some of my readers describe my writing as “poetic”, “realistic” to a point where they question reality and emotional.

I unconsciously tie events, phrases, moments between characters and the end result makes it seem like it was all planned from the start (this happens a lot between VMIN).

15. a quote you like from a published story.

" Most fairy-tales make you believe that there is such a thing as “forever”, but in reality kingdoms fall, buildings turn to ruble, words fade, bodies decay and turn to dust. Nothing ever lasts. Not even love.” -- [Forever, You Said. Chapter 03: “A Blackened Soul”]

16. a quote from an unpublished story.

[This one’s fron a Yoonmin Police AU titled “Red Cold River” ]

“It hurt... it always does, but I know he's hurting more. So I don't tell him anything, for I too hold on to the same fear as he. That one day his obsession to solve "the one case" will take him away from me. That next time it'll be his body we have to identify on the cold steel bed in the morgue and I won't be able to stand it.

That in the end I’ll become just like him; bitter and plagued by regrets.”

17. a space for you to say something to your readers.

Thank you for reading my stories and for the Kudos or Comments. I always read each one and keep them close to my heart to motivate me into writing more. But I’m also sad and very sorry that I haven’t written anything since 2 years ago.

You guys prolly see me online all the time cracking jokes, recommending new music or making shady comments always aimed towards idiots and antis, but IRL its been rough on my end with chronic illnesses I rather not speak off to avoid sounding like I'm throwing a pity party. Also struggling to find a new job since I lost my old one over 4 years ago (they keep saying its cause i'm "overqualified" but I just call it bullshit and people being too lazy to teach someone new) and with this fucking pandemic that won't go away only adds more frustration on the daily basis.

But just now that I haven’t given up on writing and I haven’t given up on either Lunatic High nor Forever You Said.

18. Tag?

Anyone who’s read it this far is tagged.

#tag #tag meme #tag quiz #bts #bts fics #bts fanfics

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kirishwima · 5 years ago

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Heya! If it ain't too much trouble (if your inbox isn't too full) could I get headcanons about the RFA's (plus saeran, if you'd be willing to write for him too) reaction to a 17 y/o MC? Platonic headcanons of course ^^ Your content for mystic messenger is truly great from what I've read so far! Thanks a lot ❤

awe thank you, i really appreciate that! i honestly only have a couple more prompts in my inbox currently, so im grateful for any and all you send my way! (even if there were a lot i really enjoy writing them so i don’t mind at all~)

ZEN:

* He’s so shocked???

* being well, Zen, he immediatly tried flirting with the new person in the RFA, only to immediatly be told by Seven that they’re 17

* Immediatly assumes a Big Brother Role and loves it

* He’s always defending MC, and telling them to let him know if any of the other members make them nervous, calls them frequently and if they’re in high school, checks on them and reminds them to eat and take breaks between studying

* Honestly he’s always wanted to be a big brother so he loves it lol, and he’ll be especially protective of MC from Jumin, constantly telling them to never grow up to be like him

* Will absoloutely let MC call him and vent about whatever is troubling them-as someone who was as troubled as he was at 17, he wants to make MC’s final teenage years as happy as possible wherever he’s able to

* Will Absoloutely interrogate whoever MC decides to date and treat them like a protective father lmao

YOOSUNG:

* Equally shocked, he would never expect someone so young to have to take on the big job Rika once had!

* Honestly he doesn’t care much about MC’s age, although he does feel a little threatened at first-he used to be the baby of the RFA, and whilst he would constantly complain about it, he did like the attention it brought him

* When at some point MC asks him for any advice and thanks them for it, he does feel a sudden surge of pride-he’s an only child and never really interacted much with people younger than him

* He’s the youngest so he still remembers what being 17 was like, and how overwhelming things could be, especially if MC’s in school

* He’ll do his best to help MC study, even meeting up with them and tutoring them-if their marks improve after it or it helps them in any way, he’ll be so excited!

* Will also become really protective of MC, and might even argue with Zen over who MC’s big brother is (hint-it’s neither of you y’all are like, in your early 20s chill)

* Just overall happy to have another friend in the RFA really

JUMIN:

* He...doesn’t....care?

* He’s surprised that V allowed someone so young to just, live in Rika’s apartment and take over her job, but he doesn’t really question it. After all, when he was 17 he was already pretty much running the company alongside his father.

* He’s as cold and aloof as always, although he’s confused as to why Zen becomes so protective and even more furstrated with Jumin than usual. Has he said anything to offend MC in anyway?

* He eventually calls MC and asks if they’re finding everything in the RFA allright, or if they need any help, and after getting to talk with them, sees why the whole of the RFA has taken such a liking to them-MC reminds them all of who they once were at that age.

* It’s not like anything drastically changes in his behavior-he’s still thankful that MC is doing their new job properly, but he’s careful to not overwhelm them with tasks, and frequently will ask if they need any help. He also insists that they should return to their home as soon as possible so as to not worry their family or care giver.

* If MC is a student, he’ll offer to hire one of the best tutors for them, even if they don’t need it-he considers it only natural to receive as many educational opprotunities as possible

((No Jumin, not everyone has had tutors during their high shcool years. Yes it’s doable pls stop nagging Zen about it))

* Yeah, overall he’s just the same as always lmao

JAEHEE:

* She’s actually really concerned when she finds out MC is only 17. How did V ever think that it’s alright to put someone so young into a predicament like this?!

* Will frequently call MC and check in with them, see if everything’s all right, if they need anything e.t.c

* She just really wants them to be comfortable in the RFA-not only does she remember how hard it was for her to adjust after joining, she can’t imagine how hard it is to be thrown into this situation at this age. She genially wants MC to be happy

* Might come off as a bit of a mother hen at first-even the rest of the RFA tell her she doesn’t have to keep worrying over MC so much, after all they’ve proved they’re a responsible person and can take care of themselves

((Take care of-THEY’RE A BABY she screams to deaf ears))

* She does however, realise that everyone else is right-MC is diligently doing their job, and seem to have their shit together. That however doesn’t stop her from watching over MC regardless.

* If MC tells her that they look up to her like a big sister, she’ll smile the softest little smile, happy that MC feels like they’re family

* after all, that’s what she too secretly hoped to receive from the RFA-the family she never had.

SEVEN:

* Obviously, with a quick search he found out MC’s age

* He’s concerned, yeah, but he’s also never really had a normal childhood ((understatement of the century)) and can’t really be certain wether it’s normal for MC to be in the situation they are at this age or not

* More or less he treats them exactly the same-he’s as concerned as he’d be for an MC of any other age really

* He does however constantly tease them about their age-he’ll say something along the lines of ‘back in MY day’ or ‘when i was your age...’ at least once per each chatroom lmao

* When/If he comes to Rika’s apartment to protect MC, he’ll be distant at first, but not as much as he’d be with an adult MC-he remembers what it’s like to be alone at that age, remembers how much he despised it-he can’t help but be a little more lenient with them. He’ll still try to push them away, alert them of the dangers of associating with him, but he’ll also constantly hover over MC, have them tell him about their troubles, making sure they eat e.t.c.

* P much just acting like an annoying big brother lmao

V/JIHYUN:

* As soon as he found out that MC’s only 17, he became insanely concerned.

* What was Rika thinking?! Why would they put such a young person in such danger?!

* He’s so worried, he can’t help but frequently log in to the messenger and call MC to make sure they’re alright and as safe as they can be.

* He’s taken care of Saeran and Saeyoung as young teens, so he’s probably the one to treat MC the most normally than any of the other RFA members. He’s patient and sweet with them, treating them like a mature person but also mindful of their age at the same time

* He finds it sweet how the rest of the RFA cares so much about MC-it brings him peace to know that no matter what, RFA will have their back.

* If they’re a student he’ll also try and help them study, mainly with more theoretical subjects like history, art e.t.c. He’s also frequently reminding them to take breaks and rest, that their mental and physical health will always be more important than schoolwork.

* Would honestly feel more like a doting dad than a big brother, he’s pretty much a perfect parental figure lmao

SAERAN:

* Of course he knew MC was 17, since he’s the one that brought them into the RFA in the first place

* Their age didn’t really have anything to do with why he chose them; he just did as he savior told him to and chose the person most suitable for the job

* He’s reminded of MC’s age through the little things-monitoring the RFA chatrooms and seeing how the members treat MC, how they’ll frequently talk about their schoolwork or daily life matters, little things that kept piling up in Saeran’s consiousness

* When he’s finally free from Rika’s grip and has a clearer view on things, guilt eats him up from the inside out at the fact that he put a person this young through such an ordeal-it’d be bad enough for anyone, but a person who’s not even an adult?!

* He’s reminded of the horrors he went through when he was young, the mess he’d been in when he was 17-it makes his stomach churn, to think he’s put another person through such horrors

* It’ll take a lot from MC to not only forgive him, but also help him understand it’s not his fault-he was genially not in control during those times, and his guilt proves that.

* He’ll try and avoid MC at first, but if they keep pushing, he’ll eventually open up and befriend them.

* He’s genially happy to see MC forgive and slowly forget about the whole Mint Eye ordeal, to slowly return to their everyday life, almost as if he’s seeing what he’s missed out during that age through them; it brings a bittwersweet feeling to his chest, to see what could’ve been.

* He’s not really a big-brother type-but he is a fiercly loyal friend, and he’ll be there for MC through thick and thin, and god have mercy on whoever dares try and hurt MC-hell hath no fury like an angry Saeran.

I’m sorry these were quite short, i really couldn’t think of much else T-T regardless of MC’s age, the whole RFA gang would care for them as a friend and family!

-Send me headcanons/scenarios for mystic messenger characters’ reactions!-

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raganandhersurveys · 4 years ago

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3/1/21~5000 question survey 1-100 {CXV}

I started this about 2 years ago and never finished so I’m going to restart and see how far I can get. I’d love to get it done before the end of the year but I am definitely not holding myself to that statement haha. Here we go pt. 2

(also shoutout to @lovemesomesurveys for doing this so i could get the questions from one source. Thanks girl! <3!!

1. Who are you?

~my name is ragan

2. What are the 3 most important things everyone should know about you?

1. I am very outgoing and fun loving

2. I have a big heart but am not afraid to speak my mind

3. I hope I can one day pursue a career in fashion

3. When you aren't filling out 5,000 question surveys like this one what are you doing?

~hanging out with my friends, doing hw, eating, or talking to my bf haha

4. List your classes in school from the ones you like the most to the ones you like the least (or if you are out of school, think of the classes you did like and didn't like at the time).

~choir, drama appreciation, geology, american gov.

5. What is your biggest goal for this year?

~to begin to plan out “big girl things” in my life. i’ll be a freshman in college in the fall and i really wanna feel confident about my future(if that’s possible) so saving money, getting a real job, looking into new opportunities, etc. (if you have any advice, plz send my way haha:))

6. Where do you want to be in 5 years?

~to feel a little secure in my job or career pathway, or at least have a plan

7. What stage of life are you in right now?

~the ending of my teenage years :(

8. Are you more child-like or childish?

~neither honestly

9. What is the last thing you said out loud?

~i was singing along to a song haha

10. What song comes closest to how you feel about your life right now?

~8teen by khalid haha

11. Have you ever taken martial arts classes?

~nope

12. Does your life tend to get better or worse or does it just stay the same?

~it’s honestly one big rollercoaster. i have my good days and bad days but i try to keep a positive mindset:)

13. Does time really heal all wounds?

~it doesn’t necessarily heal it but it does help it some

14. How do you handle a rainy day?��

~usually stay inside or take a nap. if it rains for a long period of time i tend to get a headache so i usually take a nap haha

15. Which is worse...losing your luggage or having to sort out tangled holiday lights?

~losing luggage for sure

16. How is your relationship with your parents?

~pretty good. my dad and i are super close. my mom and i have our moments but i love her

Will you miss them when they are gone?

~are you kidding?!?! i don’t know how i’ll recover from losing them tbh

17. Do you tend to be aware of what is going on around you?

~for the most part yes; i’m pretty good at reading the room

18. What is the truest thing that you know?

~God.

19. What did you want to be when you grew up?

~gosh so many different things; teacher, pharmacist, reporter, author, family therapist, actress

20. Have you ever been given a second chance?

~yep

21. Are you more of a giver or a taker?

~both tbh

22. Do you make your decisions with an open heart/mind?

~definitely

23. What is the most physically painful thing that has ever happened to you?

~i had to go to the hospital one time because my stomach was hurting so bad I thought i was gonna die. i don’t think anything except child birth could beat that

24. What is the most emotionally painful thing that has ever happened to you?

~some things my mom has said to me

25. Who have you hugged today?

~honestly no one :(

26. Who has done something today to show they care about you?

~i can’t think of anything but i’m sure there was something

27. Do you have a lot to learn?

~for sure. i don’t think we should ever stop

28. If you could learn how to do three things just by wishing and not by working what would they be?

~how to start my own clothing brand, how to make straight a’s, and to cook perfectly

29. Which do you remember the longest: what other people say, what other people do or how other people make you feel?

~how they make me feel fo sure

30. What are the key ingredients to having a good relationship?

~communication, loyalty, passion,

31. What 3 things do you want to do before you die?

~have a successful job, find the love of my life, and travel the world

32. What three things would you want to die to avoid doing?

~having to get divorced, letting down my future children, and emotionally traumatizing someone

33. Is there a cause you believe in more than any other cause?

~not a cause, but i’m a christain and that’s the truest thing in my life

34. What does each decade make you think of:

The 19..

20's: flapper dancers and the roaring 20s

30's: the great depression and poverty

40's: world war II and classic movies

50's: sock hops and diners

60's: iconic fashion and audrey hepburn

70's: my dad and classic rock

80's: the breakfast club and how much i wished i grew up then ahahah

90's: rnb and friends

2000 (so far): brittany spears and my early childhood

2010's: middle school and social media

35. Which decade do you feel the most special connection to and why?

~the 80s because i’ve always felt like that was the decade for me. that’s when my mom grew up and i envy her so much for growing up then. but also the 2000s because that was my early childhood and its crazy to think i’ll never get those days back

36. What is your favorite oldie/classic rock song?

~stairway to heaven: led zeppelin

37. What country do you live in and who is the leader of that country?

~the usa and president biden

If you could say any sentence to the current leader of your country what would it be?

~you good homie?

38. What's your favorite TV channel to watch in the middle of the night?

~i rarely watch live tv

39. What Disney villain are you the most like and why?

~bahah probs ursula because if i knew ariel could sing like that, i’d steal her voice too

40. Have you ever been a girl scout/boy scout?

~no

41. If you were traveling to another continent would you rather fly or take a boat?

~neither but a boat in the middle of the ocean during a storm would be terrifying

42. Why is the sky blue during the day and black at night?

~the sun?

43. What does your name mean?

~i just looked it up and apparently it means noble LMFAO

44. Would you rather explore the deeps of the ocean or outer space?

~neither. both of those sound like a bad idea

45. Word association What is the first word that comes to mind when you see the word:

Air: traffic

Meat: steak

Different: breed

Pink: drink

Deserve: freedom

White: elephant

Elvis: graceland

Magic: treehouse

Heart: pump

Clash: boom

Pulp: fiction

46. If you could meet any person in the world who is dead who would you want it to be?

~audrey hepburn 100%

47. What if you could meet anyone who is alive?

~jimmy garoppolo ;))

48. Is there a movie that you love so much you could watch it everyday?

~not everyday but i’m always down for a lotr/hobbit marathon

49. You are going to be stuck alone in an elevator for a week. What do you bring to do?

~a phone with some kind of wifi box so i can gtfo lmao

50. Have you ever saved someone's life or had your life saved?

~uhhhh not that i can think of

51. Make up a definition for the following silly words...

Fruitgoogle: a website you can search up fruits with

Ambytime: free time

Asscactus: an annoying person

52. What was the last thing you made with your own hands?

~this little gift bag for my mom’s students

53. What was your favorite toy as a child?

~american girl dolls omfg

54. How many TV’s are in your house?

55. What is your favorite thing to do outside?

~swimming or just being at the beach

56. How do you feel when you see a rainbow?

~awwwwww

57. Have you ever dreamt a dream that came true?

~i have dreamed about people and then met them which is a super weird experience

58. Have you ever been to a psychic/tarot reader?

~no

59. What is your idea of paradise?

~i think it would be a couple of different places or themes because i love to see the beauty in a lot of different ideas

60. Do you believe in god and if so what is he/she/it like?

~absolutely. He’s just and loving

61. Do you believe in Hell?

~yes

62. What one thing have you done that most people haven't?

~i honestly cannot think of anything

63. What is the kindest thing you have ever done?

~i’ve done some volunteer stuff for other people so ig something like that

64. Are you a patient person?

~i try to be

65. What holiday should exist but doesn't?

~free shopping day where only i can shop for free :))))))

66. What holiday shouldn't exist but does?

~i love all the holidays

67. What's the best joke you ever heard?

~apparently none because i can’t think of one

68. Where is the most fun place you have EVER been?

~southpoint mall in charlotte. it was shopper’s heaven

69. Is your hair natural or dyed?

~all natural .

70. Do you have any deep dark secrets or are you pretty much up front?

~none that are interesting

71. What is under your bed right now?

~dust and stuff from my childhood

72. If you were in the Land of Oz would you want to live there or go home?

~gtfo bahaha

73. If you drive do you frequently speed?

~always

74. What is the world's best song to dance to?

~depends on what kind of dancing. any 2000s club song is an absolute banger

75. What song was on the last time you danced with someone?

~some tik tok sound. just a gen z kid here :)

76. Do you prefer Disney or Warner Brothers?

~probs disney

77. What is the first animal you would run to see if you went to the zoo?

~otters or tigers

78. Would you consider yourself to be romantic?

~if i’m crazy about you, absolutely. .

79. If the earth stopped rotating would we all fly off?

~ig lol

80. What is the one thing that you love to do so much that you would make sacrifices to be able to do it?

~travel all over

81. If you (and everyone) had to lose one right or freedom, but you could pick which one everyone had to lose, what would you pick?

~i’m sorry that’s too stressful lol

82. If you had to choose would you live on the equator or at the North Pole? ~equator. i hate the cold

83. Would you rather give up listening to music or watching television?

~tv. i can’t live w/o music

84. What do you think makes someone a hero?

~being selfless

85. What cartoon would you like to be a character in?

~powderpuff girls 100%

86. Name one thing that turns your stomach:

~rats

87. What was the last thing you paid for?

~clothes from shein

88. Are you a coupon clipper?

~nah

89. Get anything good in the mail recently?

~not super recently

90. Which would you rather take as a gym class...dancing, sailing, karate, or bowling?

~dancing

91. In Star Trek people 'beam' back and forth between different places. What this means is they stand in a little tube and their molecules are deconstructed and sent to another tube somewhere else where they are reassembled. Only problem is when the molecules are deconstructed the person is dead. When they are put back together it is only a clone that has all the dead person's memories. So... Is the person who gets beamed the same person on both ends?

~no because the real person died, so it’s a clone but not the original

92. What insects are you afraid of?

~roaches and wasps

93. If you could print any phrase on a T-shirt, what would it say?

~”she stressin’ over her wardrobe”

94. What's the most eccentric thing you have ever worn?

~i have these huuuuge tiger earrings that are freaking extra. i wore them with green corduroy flair pants and a brown stripped shirt and literally looked like the 70s threw up on me hahah

95. If you could pick one food that you could eat all you wanted but it would have no effect on how much you weigh, what food would it be?

~chick fil a

96. What are your parents interested in?

~my mom loves 70s tv shows and christmas lol and my dad likes classic rock and anything to do with christianity

97. Have you ever caught an insect and kept it as a pet?

~we used to catch lightning bugs in a jar when i was little and put them in a jar.

98. What is more helpful to you, wishes or plans?

~uhhh plans....lol

99. When do you feel your life energy the strongest?

~when i’m hanging out with friends or at a high energy place like an amusement park or concert

100. You are spending the night alone in the woods and may bring only 3 items with you. What do you bring?

~water, a flashlight, and something for protection like a gun

#survey #115 #5000 question survey

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redmalbec · 4 years ago

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My top 10 favorite openings

Yeah I know nobody asked for it, but welcome to discover new music and hopefully new animes/mangas if they catch your eye. I won't include openings of romcoms or a few slice of life stories since I should make a different list for them. I'll add the name of the band if I find it. There's a couple of songs here from animes I didn't watch. If you think there's another amazing opening that should be listened to, share!

BTW I tend to listen to music on Youtube music, if you can support the work of these artists with this app, or Spotify, iTunes, or CDs, please do it!

DURARARA!! [Uragiri no Yuuyake - Theatre Brook]

Wonderful music, I don't have much to add since I haven't watched the anime but it looks interesting. This only time I'll only share the link to the video (couldn't find an official one) since I reach the limit of linked multimedia.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5-4eQuExgE

MOB PSYCHO 100 I [99 - Mob Choir]

I always thought this was some uninteresting anime, and well I was totally wrong. The animation is AWESOME, the story is really cool and explores some interesting perspectives about life that other shonen (or seinen?) ignore. It has a different style, it's kinda plain at times (and this might be good because it avoids unnecessary complexity) but in my opinion, much better than some popular animes of the moment. I feel it's very original, and stays as part of my top 10 manga/animes too.

youtube

FULL METAL ALCHEMIST BROTHERHOOD [Again - YUI]

This might be my favorite song. If I ever fall in a coma, try to wake me up with it, I'm sure it will work. I might be biased because this is the first anime I watched (when I didn't care about these kind of series) and I love it, and it's definitely my favorite (I was lucky to be gifted the first volume in japanese). The melody is calm and the lyrics are heart touching. FMA is a manga and anime you should add to your watch/read list without a doubt. Sharing short version of the song to find the channel of the artist.

youtube

BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA [The day - Porno Grafitti]

I will never regret being on the bus playing this song on my phone (with headphones) being seen by people who would think something about the name of the band (like listening to anime openings almost every day wasn't already a weird thing). None of the other songs of BNHA surpassed the greatness of this song IMO.

About it, even though it gets criticism I think it's a good story, and I feel it can be incredibly creative at times - there's a reason why it's so popular after all. I should also remark that it pays attention to a lot of characters, secondary or villains have good development (something that I haven't seen in other shonen or they fail to do it, and remember BNHA has A LOT of characters).

This story is definitely going to be long, I think it's close to reach its first half, expect probably 70 volumes or so.

youtube

NARUTO [Kanashimi Wo Yasashisa Ni - Little by Little]

Wait? WHAT? Did you really pick this opening over Silhouette? I mean, no offense to Silhouette and the fantastic band KANA-BOON, but I've listened to it so many times (best memes lol), and I already didn't have it as my favorite. There are other openings that I love (Naruto Shippuden this time): 2, 3, 5, 9, 10, 14, 15 (Guren is the best one IMO), 16, 17, 20.

You didn't watch Naruto? Then what are you doing here? It's a must watch! It's a shonen with beautiful messages, inspiring characters, and this song probably embodies one positive vibe of the story - best part "the most important things are those without any shape".

youtube

PSYCHO PASS [Abnormalize - ling tosite sigure]

This anime is definitely in my favorite list, I feel it's the best seinen I've watched. Its manga is an adaptation, but the original story is the one that's animated. Some people say that season 2 and 3 aren't as good as the first and honestly it's hard to do something more brilliant than the incredible season 1, nonetheless you would miss the progress of the story and interesting characters if you only leave at the first one.

It reaches some philosophical thoughts that not all sci-fi can explore on the same way. Don't expect it to be an easy watch though - you better click pause to understand every dialogue.

youtube

SHINGEKI NO KYOJIN [Shinzou wo sasageyo - Linked Horizon]

Yeah, the first opening is AMAZING, but I might have a thing for 2nd openings. I must say that the synchronization of the scenes don't make justice for the melody of this song, though. Attack on Titan might reach the top 5 best shonen (is it shonen anyways?) anime/manga of all time.

I saw everyone talking about it and praising it, so I decided to watch the first episode and I couldn't get through it because of its disturbing art LMAO. My eye is accustomed to other kind of art, but I have to say I WAS TOTALLY WRONG. Good thing the second time I watched it I felt comfortable and discovered not only a mind-blowing story, but yeah, its animation is fantastic (take a peek at a few YT videos showing the process on the making of Levi's scenes). I only follow the manga to be updated, and I'm bad at recognizing characters, but you won't waste time or money by giving this one a chance.

youtube

THE PERFECT INSIDER [Talking - KANA BOON]

I tell you, this is a list of favorite openings, it doesn't mean I've watched all the anime, but I'm going to do it thanks to these fantastic songs, and KANA BOON deserved a mention. Also known as "Subete ga F ni Naru" this seinen anime is based on a novel.

youtube

MOB PSYCHO 100 II [99.9 - Mob Choir]

Wasn't this anime already on the list? No, no it's not (?) I mean, HOW CAN'T I INCLUDE THIS ONE. Fantastic. I thought I wouldn't be able to fall in love with the new opening but after listening to it twice I couldn't get it off my mind. There's a reason, well deserved reason, why it got chosen for the Crunchyroll awards...

youtube

NEON GENESIS EVANGELION [Zankoku na Tenshi no Te-ze - Yoko Takahashi/Hidetoshi Sato]

Starts with an angelic voice to a disco-like rhythm, and it's without a doubt a fantastic song. This might be the most famous opening of anime. Pay attention or watch twice if you want to understand the story, though.

youtube

🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹🎹

There is a song that's missing, don't you think so? This one can't be part of a top 10 because it's honestly so amazing that leaving it there would make it shine less, and it deserves the BEST recognition.

Special mention

TOKYO GHOUL [Unravel - TK from ling tosite sigure]

If I'm in a coma and the song Again didn't work, then this one will wake me up FOR SURE. I love how it embodies the angst of the story, the tragedy, the bad luck of the protagonist. I recommend to read the manga instead of keeping too loyal to the anime - it's no surprise that SP messed up with the storytelling of another manga... Did I say how hard it must be to play it on the piano? Or even sing it?

youtube

#durarara #mob psycho #mob psycho one hundred #neon genesis evangelion #naruto #naruto anime #subete ga f ni naru #psycho pass #boku no hero academia #tokyo ghoul #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #the perfect insider #full metal alchemist #full metal alchemis brotherhood #anime opening

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inspiringwhilerespiring · 5 years ago

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Get to know me?

Yoooo - yall remember Myspace, and people would blog survey posts lol. Well thats me, I’m people. And I just wanna write my lil heart out and avoid all of my real life responsibilities. So found a lil questionnaire thing and I’m gonna fill it out. Also lowkey like doing this every so often so I can look back on it and reflect and see how much I may have grown/changed/shifted viewzzz ya feel? :)

Sooo here yall go <3

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My neice maybe?

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

People who know me would tell me to put outgoing, but I honestly feel shy on the inside, so it just depends.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Literally anyone lmao fuck this quarantine

4. Are you easy to get along with?

Definitely

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Lets hope so

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind souls <3 always notice how they talk to their friends and family, but even people they don’t know like servers or janitors, etc. that shit matters heavy.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Probably not

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

A few homies

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nah not really, just depends

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Not sure -it’s been a min since I had a “deep” connection or convo that I can remember - but was probably with my bestie R’Bo

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Google that shit” lmao me, giving advice to my friends

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

TOUGH!!!! After Hours by The Weeknd is up there, Cayendo by Frank Ocean (been jamming his shit HAARD lately) and Inside Friend by Leon Bridges & John Mayer….but also been listening to albums - like Childish’s new album, Floreyyy for lo-fi shit, and also got into 070 Shake recently just to name a few.

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

FUCK YA

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yeah budddyy

15. What good thing happened this summer?

Idk, my bday party was lit?? And lots of river floats happened

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Lol

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

Cant deny that there isn’t so yaaa

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Just moved, so don’t know em

21. What are you bad habits?

Procrastination lol and biting my nails

22. Where would you like to travel?

Literally ANNNYY-fuckin-WHERE!

23. Do you have trust issues?

Hmm I wanna say generally no, but I also always keep it one hunnnid with myself, and as much as I’d like to say I don’t have any - I think I def have insecurities with myself, that have the potential to become “trust issues” in certain relationships, but overall no. I live by the whole “you have my trust til you fuck it up” mantra

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Coffee in the morning lately, missed it and forgot how energized it makes me - gives me time to wake up and reflect/set daily goals

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

Stomach forever :((((

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Scroll on my phone, pee usually, or feed my cat lol

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Tanner maybe?

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mom or my best friend R’Bonney - but any of my close friends and fam honestly

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

Not directly

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Lol ok, so this is always changing…but lately (and by lately I mean the past few years) its been a no. I’m open minded though and am aware that I’m always changing my mind sooo who knows

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yeppperoo

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Honestly, those aren’t my “thing” lollike id prob laugh or be awkward or just have to be hellllla drunk - but like I wouldn’t mind Jason Momoa and Tom Hardy tossin me around

33. Spell your name with your chin.

hjaylkee

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Scocer back in the day - actually went and kicked it like a week ago for the first time in YEARSSSS - felt so damn good

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV, music forreeevverrr

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Lol story of my life

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

“Soooo” then probably ask a question or some shit lol

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Hmmm…definitely have to be funny/have a good sense of humor. They’d have to be open-minded for sure. Up for trying new things, places, cultures, food, music, etc. Just have an adventurous spirit I guess when it comes to that. Have a good line of communication/openness - and just be able to have a deep/intellectual convo about anything and everything. Bonuses: taller than me, likes cooking, and going to music shows.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Amazon lol I hate shopping

40. What do you want to do after high school?

To go back to high school :( lmao so much id re-do, cant believe its almost been a decade

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Hell yeah, this is life my dudes, dont take it so seriously - we all fuck up at some point or another

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

Something is on my mind for sure, or im just tired lol

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yeah

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

DAMNNN WHAT so hard - I guesss if I had to pick, space…just because it’s more rare/harder to do I’d think.

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

My cat lol with his meowing ass

46. What are you paranoid about?

Lowkey a lot lol

47. Have you ever been high?

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Who hasn’t????

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

naw

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black probably, like half my wardrobe

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Of course

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My bad habits

56. Favourite colour?

Yelllllow :)

57. Favourite food?

Oh gaaawwd, literally anything - lately: PB&J’s, fries, wings, Mediterranean, Mexican, pickles, ice cream, ramenzzzz

58. Last thing you ate?

Pistachios

59. First thing you ate this morning?

Cofffeeee w creamer

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

Idk, not off the top of my head - maybe something back in elementary

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nah

62. Been arrested? For what?

Yeah lmao

63. Ever been in love?

Yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

No its really not that interesting and idc to type it out

65. Are you hungry right now?

24/7/365

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

Lol yes a few of them <333

67. Facebook or Twitter?

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Noooo

70. Names of your bestfriends?

R’Bonney is number 1

71. Craving something? What?

Foooood, and companionship? Lol

72. What colour are your towels?

Idk, random, mostly blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

A lot lol

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Lol no, but I have my one from my childhood in my room

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

1 - shout out to you Mr.Fluffy

75. Favourite animal?

I am fascinated by sharks; and like gators/crocs. But I have mad respect for elephants, they’re sooo damn smart and beautiful.

76. What colour is your underwear?

Dont have any on

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

BITCHHHH CHOC

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

All of them

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Tie-dye

80. What colour pants?

none

81. Favourite tv show?

Game of Thrones prob

82. Favourite movie?

Avatar or Shawshank Redemption

87. First person you talked to today?

Sissy

88. Last person you talked to today?

Friend on FT

89. Name a person you hate?

No one, maybe Trump? lol

90. Name a person you love?

Everyone, fr fr

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Nah

92. In a fight with someone?

Nah

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

Not enough <3

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

Not enough <3

95. Last movie you watched?

The Decline on Netflix, short lil foreign oil, was deep/interesting

96. Favourite actress?

Not sure-Sandra Bullock? Or Meryl

97. Favourite actor?

Denzel or Morgan Freeman

98. Do you tan a lot?

Nah not anymore honestly

99. Have any pets?

Yessss

100. How are you feeling?

Mediocre

101. Do you type fast?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Im sure

103. Can you spell well?

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Lol im nostalgic af, so yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yes litttty tittyyy

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Probably :(

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Hell yeah brother, I’m from TX

108. What should you be doing?

So much shit lol

109. Is something irritating you right now?

The fact that I ain’t doing all the shit I should be lol

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yooo yes

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Prob my sister or my mom?? Lol I cry a lot, idk and idc

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Hayls?

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

Back in the day

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Surprisingly, no

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Nah, unless maybe if its homemade

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Yeah occasionally, more of a Thai food chick or Japanese

119. Favourite book?

Kite Runner

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Low-key sometimes lol

121. Are you mean?

Hell noooo

122. Is cheating ever okay?

Ok, this is an interesting one lol I mean no, it’s not “okay” - since it usually constitutes lying/hiding/hurting someone - BUTTTT, for a lack of a better term - I wanna say it’s “normal”? But thats because I, personally, am on the fence about the concept of monogamy. Like no, I’ve never cheated nor experienced that in return - but the whole concept of monogamy and like that a person can love and only love or be with one person is WILLLLDDD and I can’t help but note that its a social construct that we, as a society, are conditioned to from the time we are born. Idk if that makes sense bc im high af lol but those are my thoughts…like to sum it up - cheating is fucked up and sucks, but at the same time its not all that surprising/shocking anymore, like borderline “normalized” just as divorces are and shit, so I feel like bc biologically we aren’t made to be with one person lol. I don’t condone it tho. Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Hell to the naw naw

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Hmmm idk about that one, but also can’t deny it

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah of course, you’re talking to a hopeless romantic

126. Are you currently bored?

I guess we could say that

127. What makes you happy?

Food and close, loved ones

128. Would you change your name?

Nah, too much paper work

129. What your zodiac sign?

Cancer, with my lil moody, sensitive ass

130. Do you like subway?

I did lol

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Story of my mf life lol literally all my exes are “best friends turned lovers” situation, so guess it would just depend lmao

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

Lol oh godddd; ok off the top of my head - Tupac - Keep Ya Head Up is what comes to mind; just a timeless song and the lyrics are still relevant/apply to this day and idk just really resonate with the message behind that song <3

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

Idk, but it was probably SO dumb, and told to my parents lol

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Either or, lately open so my cat can go in and out lol

137. How tall are you?

5’6 mayyybeee 5’5 actually lol

140. Summer or Winter?

Fall!!

141. Night or Day?

Def a lil night owl, always have been

142. Favourite month?

April and October for weather at least

143. Are you a vegetarian?

No but I try, and go through phases, I’m definitely mindful the older I get and more focused on my health I become

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

FUCKIN ALLLLL

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee but I like tea too, just seem to drink coffee more regularly

146. Was today a good day?

The grateful-to-just-be-alive in me wants to say yes lol but idk, felt off/unaccomplished and cried a lot, so no.

147. Mars or Snickers?

Snickers

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“This too shall pass”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Sure why not

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“After all, what he had always wanted was just that: to know new places.” -The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

#survey #about me #haylee #thoughts #mine #questions #ask me anything #ask #lets chat #be my frieeennnddd

15 notes · View notes

kweebtrash · 6 years ago

Text

When I Was In Love (M)

Sexual Liberation Ch 14-Everyone Focused

Pairings: Hui/Kino/Hongseok/E’Dawn x Reader/OC

Genre: College AU, Smut, Angst

Summary: College is about experimentation, being free, and having no strings attached fun. Hui, Kino, And E’Dawn have messed around with their best friend ever since last spring. Now that summer is over and they’re back in America, their sexual antics have intensified especially when everyone starts catching feels. Throw Hongseok into the mix and it creates a swirling mess of emotions and an ultimate decision that might hurt everyone.

Warning: a lot of angst, multiple POV’s

Features: there’s some small sexual details but not any full scenes.

Word Count: <10k

A/N: Hey guys and thanks for reading all the way to the end of S.L. Thank you for being patient with the extended delay between Ch 13 and this one. I’m still in the process of writing more Pentagon stories, it’s just taking me longer because lmao I have 50 million ideas and never am able to finish them. I appreciate all the feedback for the story and am still in the process of getting all the chapters updated. This one is written a bit differently and I hoped that it would give more insight on everyone’s relationship with the MC. One more little thing...don’t hate me ok? See you at the end of the chapter!

Teenage Heartbreak Queen-Kino

I sighed and ran a hand over my face as I surveyed my almost barren room. Spring semester was officially over and i had to stuff my entire life into a luggage and head back to Korea for the summer. My last few days in America had been spent cramming for finals and packing and I longed for more sleep. My body was starting to give out on me. I was hardly looking forward to the almost 17 hour flight back. I stepped out of my room, hauling out a bag of trash to the hallway. Beside me were the empty rooms of my hyungs, already long gone and living their lives back home. Their nonexistent presence made the dorm eerily quiet and left me too much in my head. There were thoughts bubbling up that I didn’t have enough energy to exert on right now but they still weighed on my shoulders. I hadn’t gotten a chance to ask Hui-hyung or Hyo-hyung if they had said goodbye to her.

We had been around her almost the entire semester like we were all attached to one another and clinging to some semblance of fun, pleasure, and the most nauseating and scary feeling of possibly love. Nights on end were spent with us occupying each others beds. I had given up my virginity to her in a whirlwind of anger and frustration. I would never forget the way she looked pressed against the mirrors of the dance practice room; her breath and heated body creating foggy imprints as I pushed into her from behind. I had been confident at first but as soon as she was naked in front of me I choked. Every nerve in my body seemed to have tensed and I almost chickened out. But the way she clutched at me, begged me to keep going, it spurred me further until we collapsed on the floor with a layer of stickiness between us.

We were fuck buddies; in fact she had made it abundantly clear that we were only fuck buddies. I wasn’t any more important than Hui- hyung or Hyojong-hyung. Our first night together was just an experience she could add onto her list while I was still forcing myself to come to terms with the fact that she slept with other people. I had given in to her persuasion of threesomes, especially when we had all found out that we had been fucking her, but lately a nagging voice in the back of my mind had been stirring up feelings of jealousy and minute possessiveness. I didn’t want to start thinking about the pathetic, romantic, and scary things that I had never experienced before. I repressed it more each time they threatened to rip through the surface. I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t slowly falling in love with her and that as soon as I ran away to Korea everything would be fixed.

I, myself, didn’t want to say goodbye to her even though that was the right thing to do. It would possibly give me some closure instead of giving into my cowardice and also given the uncertainty of our future together. I was still working to see if I could continue studying abroad and if i succeeded there was no guarantee that I would have classes again with her, even though we were both dance majors. I was still afraid though, always afraid of everything with her. I tiptoed around that fine line of love and friendship too often to my liking. Just one look into her eyes now would send me to my knees in a fit of desperation and longing. I shook my head to try and clear the quarreling thoughts from my mind and instead go back to making sure I hadn’t forgotten anything. I stretched my arms above my head and yawned before peeling off the miniature calendar I had above my desk. I threw the angry reminder of deadlines and stress into another trash bag, ready to toss it into the hallway next.

I was rechecking my desk drawers to see if I had emptied them out for sure when there was a rushed pounding at the front door. I was confused as to who the hell it would be. It was almost midnight and I would have to leave for my red eye flight around 4:30. I didn’t have time to deal with anyone. I grumbled and stalked over to the door, swinging it open and ready to yell at whoever was going to make me late.

My mouth snapped shut as soon as I saw her. Her cheeks were streaked with tears. Her chest was heaving as she tried to regain her breath and she looked at me as if i was a beacon of hope in her world. She held me tight, burying her face in my chest and clutching at my shirt. I barely had time to formulate a response. My body reacted instinctively, wrapping my arms around her. I knew that I didn’t want to let her go. I could infer that perhaps she was crying over the hyungs leaving. Maybe they had talked with her and she still wasn’t okay with it or maybe it was something entirely different. I swallowed down my sigh, irritated that my plan to avoid her had gone awry. I had to face my demons now which was a battle I hadn’t prepared for.

“Th-they left.” She said through soft hiccups. “They didn’t even say goodbye. Why would they do that? I thought-” Her breath caught in her throat as she tried to steady her voice. “I thought we were friends. They should’ve at least told me when they were leaving!”

So they hadn’t told her at all.

She wiped the tears from her eyes with her sweater sleeve and continued. “I just...we spent all this time together. I thought it was the least that they could do.” She looked up at me finally and I knew what she was going to ask before it even left her lips. My hold spread to her shoulders, clutching tightly to brace myself for my impending lie. “Were you even going to tell me when you left?”

“Of course,” It came out much smoother than I had anticipated. “But there was just so much going on with finals and packing up that I almost didn’t have time. I leave in a few hours. My flight’s at 6 but I have to leave around 4:30 or so.”

“Oh great. Just great.” She fiddled with a stray thread on her sleeve, averting her gaze. “Nevermind then. I’ll leave you to your packing.”

I pushed my hair back and exhaled. “It’s not like that ok? Sometimes saying goodbye is harder than we think. Sometimes it just feels easier to not do it at all. We care about you...maybe a little too much.” I mumbled at the end.

“It certainly doesn’t feel that way.”

“Well, it’s the truth. I’m sorry that they didn’t let you know, hell I didn’t even know when they were leaving until they walked out the door.” I wanted to invite her inside. It felt just wrong to leave her out here to wallow and stay caught up in emotions that were obviously paining her. I nodded towards the inside of the dorm, bringing her in and shutting the door softly behind us.

“Kino...i really am gonna miss you. I’m gonna miss all of you. Well I already do but you know what I mean.”

“You mean you’re gonna miss our dicks.” I nudged her, trying to lighten the mood just a bit. She cracked a little smile finally and hit my stomach playfully.

“Not just that, jerk! We had a lot of good times together. I mean I’m even missing Wooseok and Shinwon, Yuto, Yanan, Yeo Onnie, Jinho-everyone! I know i’m heading back home soon too but home doesn’t feel like home without my friends. Sorry,” she sniffed. “I’m being lame.”

I shook my head. “No, you’re not. You’re seriously not. I…” My heart felt heavy again. “I’m gonna miss you too.” That confession, that tiny little confession, was when i felt myself cross that threshold. She was no longer just my friend. She was someone I wanted, someone I thought about, someone I sang about, someone I danced with, someone I felt in the very core of my soul. She was the person I was in love with.

Her smile ignited happiness inside me like a phoenix flame that rose from the ashes of weeks of lying to myself. She wrapped her arms around me again and I kept her closer this time. I settled my arms at her lower back practically crushing her to me. And when we separated just a bit, our eyes locked. Our soft chuckles of uncertainty filled the space between us until our lips closed the distance, meeting in a rush so intense I almost felt lightheaded. Her hands trailed to my shoulders, my hair, my face, seeming like she wanted to engrave the way i felt into her skin. Step by step we moved back towards my room. I had to catch her when she tripped over my suitcase and she laughed. It was like music to my ears that could inspire me to write a book of lyrics. I kicked the suitcase out of the way and we continued our journey to my bed. Our clothes eventually got tossed aside in between kisses and sweet caresses. My body always reacted to her touch at a moments notice. Every moan she made when i laid nibbles to her neck and shoulders and the way her breath stayed in her lungs as my fingers dove between her thighs had my blood boiling.

I loved the way she felt. Her slick lips always made me hungry and though I hated going down on anyone I would do it for her. She coated my tastebuds with each trail i made with my tongue. My finger dug into her plush thighs, feeling the muscles ripple when I hit a particularly sensitive spot. When i sucked her into my mouth she created a sweet symphony that made me dig my hips into the mattress just to try and relieve some of the pressure. Her hands were back to my hair again, clawing into my scalp and wrenching locks around her fingers. That pressure sent a shiver down my spine and i dove deeper, trying to dig out the orgasm that she deserved.

She said my name as if it was her new favorite curse word, over and over again until she could barely breathe. I pulled away from her then, licking my lips and wiping her trace from my chin and nose. I kissed up her stomach, towards her breasts and neck until our lips met again and i could share her between us. “Please Kino…” She set her forehead against mine, holding me between her palms. “Please don’t leave me…”

My heart shattered. She knew that i had to. I knew that i had to. I couldn’t stay here in the summer. I had nowhere to live, no money to support myself, and permission that only lasted nine months. The truth was more painful than the goodbye at this point and the only thing that could bring us comfort was more lies. I swallowed hard and finally looked at her. Just as i sank into her depths and pulled her close I told her what I wished was the god awful truth. “I’ll never leave you.”

Moonlight-Hongseok

“That was literally the best Marvel movie! Hands down!” She said as we exited the theater.

“No way? The best? Are you sure it’s better than Hulk and your pretty boy Thor?” I laughed. We had just finished seeing Venom in our town’s local theater, weeks after it’s initial release and taking full advantage of student discount day. With the end of the semester creeping closer and piecing together everything that happened between us at Halloween, it was really nice to do something together as friends. I had to admit that I still thought about that night. I tortured myself with wondering if she thought about it too. I couldn’t believe the way I had acted then. It wasn’t like me at all and I felt ashamed more than anything. If I hadn’t drank that night I wouldn’t even have had a ounce of the courage I did to ask her to help me lose my virginity. In fact, I would’ve been a bumbling mess and messed everything up. A small part of me had worried that we would never be the same after that, that our relationship was over and could never be repaired. But when she asked me to go with her to this movie it was like a light washed over my heart and I could breathe a little easier.

I had no idea what to really call our “relationship” to be quite honest. I stuck with the term ‘friends’ but i had come to realize all too quickly that I wanted that term to morph into something better. I felt like a preteen with a crush. Every time she was near me my heart would race, my palms would get sweaty, and i overthought everything so bad that I ended up stuttering more than i meant to. I wasn’t sure if she even noticed but I did and it only made me more anxious. Even tonight, my face felt red hot with embarrassment. During the movie, she got closer to me and i wished the armrest between our chairs hadn’t existed. Then, as cliche as it sounded, our hands touched when we both dug into the popcorn bucket at the same time. She made a joke out of it, hitting the back of my hand playfully and shooing me away from her hoard. It made me smile more than anything, my whole body tingling with giddiness. God, she was so beautiful and I felt like I still wasn’t even on her radar.

We walked to her car, occasionally bumping into each other. “Yes, i like it even better than Thor, okay? Though Ragnarok was extremely good too. Venom was my favorite in Spiderman 3 even though no one likes to talk about that movie. I think he more than made up for Tobey Mcguire’s awkward dancing and emo hair.”

I laughed and shoved my hands into the pockets of my coat. “Well, you may be onto something even if I don’t agree entirely.”

“Yeah, yeah. Ironman, blah blah blah.”

“Hey!” I nudged her with my shoulder, making her stumble. “Don’t talk about him like that!”

She giggled and ran ahead of me. “Ironman couldn’t even save Spidey from the Infinity Stones.”

I gasped loudly. “You take that back! That was a very emotional time for me and you know it!”

She unlocked her car and opened the door, sliding in while I was still prepared to make an argument. I shuffled quickly to catch up and get in beside her. “You know, it’s still pretty early.”

“Yeah it is. I can start my presentation about how what you just said was completely wrong and uncalled for!” I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted.

“Seokkie, you know I’m just joking.” The nickname, no matter how simple, made my stomach explode into a kaleidoscope of butterflies. I pretended to pout some more which made her laugh and tug at my coat, desperate to get on my good side again. She began poking my sides, making me squirm and swat at her annoying antics. I loved the way we could joke around. It felt like I was at home, a place of safety and protectiveness that barricaded me from the worse feelings I had. I could be myself around her, wholeheartedly. I didn’t have to keep up the facade my parents wanted me to create. I didn’t even have to think about grading papers and essays or trying to deal with my professor breathing down my neck. When i was with her I was just a normal 20-something year old college student enjoying life and taking it easy. It was the best feeling in the world to forget about the worries that constantly bombarded my mind. The freedom to talk about what made me happy with the person that made me happy was something that I held onto so dearly.

In between me struggling to keep her prodding at bay she turned to tickling me, a torture I hated more than anything. I grabbed her hands and squeezed them tight, turning towards her and accidentally knocking our heads together. We reeled back, rubbing the sore spots on our foreheads as the result of my stupidity. “Crap, sorry!” I said.

She winced and rubbed at the pain faster. “Way to give me a concussion with that hard ass head of yours!”

“Well, if you hadn’t been tickling me we wouldn’t have this problem, huh?!” I looked up at her, noticing how we were now face to face with the center console barely putting a barrier between us. Her eyes held my gaze for a moment before jumping up to my forehead. Suddenly, she leaned in close, pressing her lips to the tender area. It only lasted micro seconds but I clung to the way her perfume wafted into my senses and the gentleness she exhibited. I opened my mouth trying to fathom any response but nothing came out. I was stunned, retreating to my feelings of a preteen boy in love.

In love...A tiny word that held so much weight to it. Could i really be in love with someone I just met not even two months ago? I had no idea what love was like but I knew what I felt was something entirely different than anything I had ever experienced. Surely, if people could believe that there was love at first sight then there was no harm in feeling the most vulnerable of connections with someone after two months. My heart thundered in my chest every time that word came up and I could feel my entire body quaking with fear of the unknown. What’s to say would happen in this car with her by my side? What did i even want to happen in this very moment? Did i want her to profess her love to me or did I want to face the possible reality of her tossing my heart into a forgotten oblivion? “What are you thinking about?” The question came out as a breath against my lips and she seemed to have gotten closer to me. Her elbow rested on the console while her fingers eased over mine.

I wanted to scream that I was thinking about her, always thinking about her, in the best ways, the worst ways, the most lustful and sinful of ways. I cleared my throat as if to remind myself to put the latter thought in a trapped box where it belonged. Instead, i came up with a generic answer that still didn’t seem to satisfy her. “Just the movie…”

“Liar.” She caught on instantly. “Something’s on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Uh…” I had no idea how to respond without possibly hinting at my true feelings.

“We could go back to the plateau. Remember?”

“Yeah, i remember getting drunk off my ass and making a fool out of myself.”

“Well, there’s no alcohol this time so no harm, no foul right?” She set her keys in the ignition, bringing the car to life. “C’mon, if you still don’t want to talk we don’t have to but i just…” Her voice seemed to grow a bit quieter. “I don’t want this night to end just yet.”

I swallowed hard and nodded, my mind taking off into a deep swirling galaxy of thoughts. Even though I had gotten drunk that night, i gained all the courage in the world to kiss her. Alcohol seemed to be my vibranium- this sword and shield that provided me with everything I need to lead me into conquest. Yet it was also my kryptonite because I felt like without it I was weak and susceptible to making whatever it was between me and her worse. The car ride had settled into a quietness with only the soft sounds of the radio in the background. I looked out the window, watching the sidewalks of our college town filled with people bar hopping as we drove through downtown. The further away we got from the hustle and bustle the better it felt to be with her. It was like we were in our own little world when we got to the top of the plateau. The lights of the city were brighter than the last time we were here but we could still see some of the stars in the night sky. She set the car in park and cut the engine before stepping out. “C’mon, lay on the hood with me!”

I smiled and followed her lead, settling myself on the hood. I set my back against the windshield, putting my hands behind my head. She sat beside me, not letting any space between us. “It’s chilly out. This was probably a bad idea.” She chuckled.

“Yeahhh, probably. The wind is definitely brisk.” I shivered a little and felt her scuttle closer until her head rested on my chest. I stiffened completely beneath her, afraid that she could hear the way my heart was banging against my ribcage. Her arm wrapped around my waist and she left out a soft content sigh. While this seemed to be perfectly normal for her I was aching with thoughts of what it all meant. I drifted my eyes down to her watching the way she was enamored by the stars. The question I longed to ask burned on my tongue and i dared myself to ask it. “Hey...um...I wanted to ask you something…”

She turned her heads towards me and all I could do was stare at her lips. It was like she was hell bent on sucking the ability to talk out of me. “Hmm?”

“C-can I kiss you?” WHAT?! Hongseok, what in the actual hell? You were supposed to ask her about the Halloween party and what it all meant for you as friends, NOT to ask her to kiss you. I winced and closed my eyes wishing that I could disappear from this entire plane of existence. Her expression had switched as soon as the words left my mouth and now she she seemed like she was at a lost for words too. I tried my best to deflect the question. “I mean uh...that’s not what I wanted to ask. What I wanted to say was-”

I felt her sweet caress of her lips then, unexpected and powerful enough to shatter my frazzled thoughts. Her lips were utterly amazing. They brought up residual memories of how they felt the first time we kissed. I cherished every moment they shared with mine even if it only lasted a few seconds. She pulled away all too quickly, her eyes wide with fear. “I-I...i’m sorry.” She whispered.

I sat up quickly, fumbling over my own apology. “Nonono! I-I swear I didn’t mean to ask that! It just- my brain just slipped and-”

“It was on your mind though…”

I swallowed at that nugget of truth. “Y-yes. I’m so sorry.”

She set her hand on mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. Her voice was so soft that I could barely hear it. “It’s ok. I was thinking about it too.”

Want It With You-E’dawn

Trust. You would think it was such a simple word but it bared more meaning for me than anything else in life. I didn't trust just anyone though I seemed to be surrounded by people I loved and adored. It took years to get to that point with them. There were hoops and barrels that they had to jump through to prove themselves worthy. It wasn't some grand scheme of knighthood- rather simple things that showed they would always be there for me.

Which was why I was so stuck and dumbfounded by my feelings for her. We hadn't known each other for long. Definitely not long enough for me to trust her but i did with every fiber of my being. I didn't know if it had been from the first night we met or right here at this very moment but at some point my heart caved in. Her smile chipped at the bricks of my wall of trust, her body tore chunks out of the barrier, and our connection musically made the wall give way. Behind that trust was love, an even more guarded feeling that rarely anyone got to experience. But the buds of soft touches, gentle kisses, and late night talks bloomed into the purest emotion I ever had.

The problem was that there was already two other people that had my heart. My girlfriend, Hyuna, who remained a secret to everyone I knew, and my best friend Hui who I felt like i could possibly never confess to. I didn't know how to exactly explain it but each of them provided me with something i needed and wanted. Hyuna gave me the care I never experienced from anyone- the tender love, affection, and understanding of my weirdness that she could keep up with. Hui on the other hand gave me a new type of love. Something that was exciting and refreshing yet filled with curiosity and the thrill of danger. And she, she gave me freedom. Freedom to explore, to live, to experience things i had never done before and open my eyes to wonders unseen.

My brain and heart were at war with one another. My brain told myself that it was impossible to be with three people no matter how desperately i wanted it to work. My heart, of course, screamed that I could do anything. No one could judge us or tell us otherwise. I wished that were true, i really did. There were nights when I couldn't sleep that i lay awake and thought about what my life had turned into. Being in the states changed my perception on love and relationships in general but going back home none of those things would be accepted. I didn't want to hide forever- i already had to do that with Hyuna. Her career was on the line and I would never compromise that for her. With out her here though it was becoming increasingly difficult to stay monogamous, which is how that night after the party happened.

I told Hyuna right away that i slept with someone else. I was a crying mess. I thought she'd never forgive me and i would truly be alone. I confessed how much i missed her and that i just wanted to feel something- a touch, a kiss, anything. It was hard. One of the very hardest things I'd ever had to do and when she forgave me and told me it was alright I knew i had chosen the right one. We laughed about it after and she told me never to worry. She knew my heart was with her because she could feel it even with all the miles that separated us. She let me sleep with whoever I wanted as long as I came back to her, which i would always do.

But when i met my new object of affection at the top of spring semester it was like my world got flipped upside down. How could I tell Hyuna that I was in love with someone else, let alone confess to the person that I had been with almost the entire time this semester? Love and trust weren't the only things weighing on my mind. Part of that trust was asking for further exploration of my sexuality. I was all wrapped up in my feelings and this just added another layer.

Lately, i had been curious about kinky things. It wasn't just the beginner things either. It was the darker things, the dirtier things, the things that made your skin crawl with lust filled excitement. I wanted to share that with her but bringing it up had my heart racing.

I laid next to her, my feet towards the end of the bed while hers were towards the headboard. Our heads met in the middle and we stared at the ceiling relaxing in our sexual afterglow. I puffed silently at my e-cig, closing my eyes and pondered over how to even begin to ask what was weighing on my mind. She yawned beside me and i nudged my temple gently against hers.

“You whimping out on me already?” I teased.

“Um, excuse me. You wore me out! You try being on your hands and knees for an hour then practically bent in half. It takes a lot out of you.”

I chuckled. “Yeah well, it was good wasn’t it?”

She nodded and softly hummed a response, turning her head into my neck. We stood quiet for a moment while i continued to mull over how I should ask her. From what she told me about her experiences with Kino and Hui-hyung there was nothing that even came close to what I currently wanted. We were both inexperienced but I was sure that we could learn and be patient with one another. She could reject the idea all together, which would sting a bit but I would accept it. I couldn’t force her to do anything she didn’t want to. I hoped she would at least try and not run away completely.

“Hey,” I began, clearing my throat a little. She turned towards me with such an adorable sleepy look. It made me smile as I pushed her sweaty hair away from her forehead. “I want to ask you something but...don’t freak out okay?”

Her eyes went wide and fear washed over her face. She swallowed hard. “O-oh...what is it?”

“So...ok. Um…” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know if this is going to sound stupid but have you ever heard of...bdsm? Like the kinky stuff?”

“Oh?” She raised her eyebrows now faced with curiosity. “You mean like getting tied up?”

“Yeah. I mean, there’s more to it but that’s like a good place to start.”

“Why are you bringing it up all of a sudden?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for awhile.” I sighed, returning my gaze back to the ceiling as I felt warmth creep into my cheeks and ears. “Kinda researching a bit. Since we’re- I mean we’re not together, together- but we hook up a lot and stuff. And we’re friends so I thought maybe I could ask and…” I was stumbling over my words, regressing into a bumbling idiot. I wish i could convey what was on my mind as clearly as I wanted to. I took a deep breath, trying to recollect myself and start over. “Basically, I trust you. I trust you a lot and I wouldn’t ask anyone else to do this with me. It was important that I tried it with you. When we...fuck it’s on a whole other level. I feel kind of like...at peace. Like I don’t have to worry about anything or feed into my insecurities.”

“O-oh…” she said quietly. I wasn't sure what to make of that and it made my entire body tense. “I trust you too Hyojong. You've never done anything to betray my trust. But this is so sudden.”

“I know, i'm sorry. I just didn't know how else to bring it up or what would be a good time to even bring it up. Like how do you start a conversation about wanting to try bdsm? Like hey, babe, wanna tie me up and choke me?”

She laughed, part nervous and part humorous. “I guess you're right. It's not something to schedule a talk around. But why do you feel insecure?” She sat up a bit, just scooting close enough to lay her head on my stomach and set her hand over my heart. I laid my fingers over hers and moved my other hand to rest behind my head.

“I...i don’t know. I mean who ever really knows why they’re insecure they just know they have insecurities.”

“You know what I mean but what things are you specifically insecure about?”

“A lot of things. The way I look, the way I have sex, the way I talk. It all makes me nervous but you’ve never really judged me…”

“Of course not! I would never. There’s no reason for me too.” She said as she turned her hand over to give mine a squeeze. “You’ve been there for me since day one and I like everything about you. You’re so weird, cute, funny, and caring. Your random screeches and crazy running makes me laugh all the time. I just feel...” She shrugged and smiled at me. I wondered if she could tell how fast my heart was beating now. When I was the source of her smile it made my entire body turn to jello. It made me feel like a goopey mess of feelings that i loved. Love was one of my favorite things in the world. The rush of being with someone so perfect for you and holding them in your arms as much as you could was the source of my happiness. Being so far away from my girlfriend always put me in a funk. But having this new found love in the states filled that void and blossomed into something I looked forward to every time we met. The more time we spent together, the more I wanted to be with her. My heart was getting restless but asking her out was something that made me panic even more than asking her to tie me up. “I feel good when i'm around you. You're a great friend.”

Friend. I screamed internally. Yes, just friends. It stung, that was easy to admit but as of right now I couldn't do anything to change that. I squeezed her hand again and swallowed the lump in my throat trying my best not to crumble into a puddle of pathetic tears. I sought to turn the subject back to where it started. “So, would you want to try it out with me? The kink stuff I mean…”

“Wellllll…..it doesn't seem so bad. It could be a lot of fun. I'm a little scared though. What if we're totally bad at it?”

“We can practice. Isn't that part of the fun?” I gave her a little wink to add to my flirtatious tone.

“You want to wear me out, don't you, Dawnie.” She giggled. “I guess we can start practicing. But i guess we might need some equipment first.” She sat up then, crossing her legs and letting her fingers drum against her chin. “I'm sure there are tons of websites to buy some.”

“My cart on some is already filled.” I admitted.

“Oh my god, you sneaky little slut. I shouldn't have expected any less from you.” She kissed me quickly. “Start ordering then. Then i can tie you up like a little present.”

“Tie me up? Aren't I supposed to tie you up?!” I asked.

“Who says? Just because you're the boy? Why don't we both try it. Maybe we'll both like it.”

She did have a point. We didn't have to conform to any standards. That wasn't really my gig anyway. Besides, thinking about her being in control gave me a little tingle of excitement. We were truly doing this and I couldn't be more happy. Even though she thought of me as a friend I hoped eventually she could see how much I wanted her, how much love I could give her. All i could do now was be patient but have a hell of a good time along the way.

All To You- Hui

“Ok, so what do you want to do for our project?” I asked her as we sat in our private piano room that was basically our sanctuary. After almost every class together we would come here, enjoying the peace and tranquility. The hecticness of our schedules were forgotten and we spent hours getting lost in the music. Time didn't exist when I was with her. My only focus was on her which was a-okay with my heart. We had a project due in a couple of weeks that needed to showcase both our talents. I wanted to do something on the piano, more so a ballad which was my speed and wasn’t too sure how to incorporate her rapping skills. Rapping could go with a ballad but the rhythm and flow would have to be just right. I was nervous as this was the first time we would ever be making music together. The way music was instilled in me sometimes made me overanalyze and become a perfectionist. I didn’t want to really take control of this...but also I did. I just had to figure out how to do it in the nicest way possible. I was picturing every scenario possible, even wondering what she would say in response even before she uttered a word in real time.

“Well, I know rapping isn’t your thing and I’m not the best at music production since I’m still learning so i hope that maybe you could take responsibility over that? Like how we could mix the song? Maybe incorporate the piano since it’s kind of our thing?” She smiled.

I almost sighed in relief. I was so happy we were on the same page. “Yes!” I said, almost too excitedly. “Sorry, I really wanted to make something like this with you.” I started pressing a few chords onto the keys, humming along to the melody in my head. “Do you have any idea what song you might want to do?”

“I was trying to think of some good duets we could do. I really wanted something modern and kind of soft.”

“There aren’t many duets with singing and rapping that I can think of.”

“Actually,” she said with a bit of a nervous tone in her voice. “Teach has been getting on me about actually singing in class since ya know, since it is about vocals. I know she said she doesn't grade on talent but she wants me to at least try and sing... in front of everyone.”

“Sing?” I tried to hide the shock in my voice and failed miserably. “I’ve heard you before and you know how I feel about your voice but I also know that it’s hard for you to do this.” She nodded and stared down at her lap, looking so ashamed. I set my arm around her shoulder and pulled her close so my temples touched hers. “You know I’ll be there beside you every step of the way, right?”

“I know…” Her voice was breaking. “I’m just so nervous that I’m gonna make a fool of myself. I feel like everyone’s gonna judge me. I don’t get stage fright when I rap but when I sing it’s like my throat just closes up and my heart shrivels into a dried husk and like...i just can’t breathe. My anxiety takes over and-and-” A small tear trailed down her cheek and i squeezed her to my chest. I couldn’t bare to see her like this. There wasn’t a way to magically cure her anxiety or relieve her from her stage fright though I desperately wished I could. I curled my fingers around hers holding onto her hand tightly.

“You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. I don’t want you to end up like me. All I do is drive myself crazy with being a perfectionist. We’re going to work through this together. I promise I won’t let you fail.”

“I know, Hui. I know. I just have to believe in myself but that’s easier said than done. It’s always something I battled with. I’m glad you’ll be there with me.”

I smiled and tilted her head up gently. “Of course, angel.” I pressed my lips to hers, taking in their warmth and tenderness that always made my body react instantly. I poured every ounce of passion into our tongues colliding and bringing her small unsteady breaths to the surface. My hand fell to her waist, clutching it tightly and never wanting to let her go. I needed her to know how much this meant to me, how much she meant to me. She deserved it so much. Her hands anchored themselves in my hair and kept me as close as possible. Eventually, my chest tightened and my lungs ached for a break. It was almost funny how lost we could get in each other like this. I pulled away, chuckling as i finally took in a breath. “Sorry, i got carried away.”

“I like when you get carried away.” She smiled, flirtatiously. “Isn't that how we ended up fucking on the piano during our first lesson?”

“Ah,” I remembered that day all too well. The first moment her lips hit mine after I heard her sing. Nothing could ever compare to how my heart fluttered and my stomach tied in knots just hearing her sweet tone. Since that day I had silently begged that I would hear her voice again, instead of her keeping it trapped. “It was definitely better than learning chord progressions and tonality practice that's for sure.”

She giggled and dabbed away at the few remaining tears at the corner of her eyes. “You always know how to make me smile, Hwitaek.”

My name was always my favorite melody to hear on her tongue. The airiness to her voice made it sound so dreamlike and ethereal. I could feel my cheeks heating up just at those few syllables. “I'm glad I can but uh...you should stop distracting me so we can get to work!” I poked her side playfully and she swatted at my hand.

“Ok, ok! I'm sorry! Let me see what I have on my spotify playlist and maybe we can get some inspiration for our duet, yeah?”

I nodded at her suggestion and let her go to work while i fumbled on the piano, working through key changes and scales in hopes of jogging my brain. I had no idea why it seemed so difficult. It should have been a piece of cake figuring something for us to do, especially because even if it was just a school project it would be personal. Maybe that's why I was getting stuck in a rut. Too much pressure on myself to possibly slip a blinded confession to her through lyrics. There didn't seem to be any other way to tell her. I wasn't even sure if I should. There hadn't been any confirmation in the slightest that she felt anything towards me. After all, I had Hyojong and Hyunggu at my back, constantly tipping the scales in their favor. They were my very best friends and I should never be jealous of them but I was. Even after the fun we had with the foursome I realized that there was still an empty part of me that wasn't getting filled. It hurt to think that perhaps it would never be filled.

Continuing to hook up with her might be the biggest mistake of my life so far. I could sense that things might get worse. I wasn't exactly known to love subtly. I was a big hopeless romantic, comically extravagant, and a walking cliche of greeting card cheesiness. I couldn't help it. It went with my goofy personality and inability to like being so serious all the time. It was my little break away from throwing my entire soul into my music. I sighed and set my elbow on the edge of the piano, resting my chin in the palm of my hand while my fingers danced over the same three keys. Little slices of my favorite lyrics pieced together in my head as I imagined the picket white fence dreams I could have with her. I could stay here in America and live an entirely new life with her, an extra dose of happiness in my fantasy. I closed my eyes then, drifting off into that better place that was protected from thoughts of self doubt, hurt, and feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough for her. I rarely tried to give into those thoughts but there was always a devilish voice on my back whispering filthy lies about how I could never capture her attention and love like the other's could. I squeezed my eyes tighter as the voice started to ring a little louder and I was just beginning to get into a war with myself.

“I think I got it!”

I snapped back so suddenly that my body jolted upright. “Huh? What?”

“The song, i think i found the perfect song for us. I think I can manage hitting all the notes in this without messing it up too much and the male part is right up your alley.”

I raised a brow at her, curious at her selection. “Ok, lay it on me.”

“Do you like Lana Del Rey?”

My cheeks heated up with embarrassment. I did, but mostly when I was drunk off my ass and known to cry on the floor, belting out all her greatest hits. I laughed nervously at my shameful alcohol induced memories. “Y-yeah, she's great. I like her.”

“Want to do ‘Lust for Life’? You have a good voice for it.”

“Ah….actually that doesn't seem so bad. It wouldn't be so hard to work into a piano piece either. I think we could do it.” I smiled brightly at her, grateful to her ability to think more clearly than I could. She clapped her hands excitedly before looking over the lyrics on her voice. I edged myself closer so we could both look at the small screen. She was humming at first, mumbling a few words here and there until the notes rang in during the first verse. I set my hand on the small of her back, working my thumb in small swipes, to give her a comforting touch and encourage her more. She laughed a bit as she got to the pre-chorus, her eyes trailing up to meet mine.

“And I was like, take off, take off...take off all your clothes, take off, take off...take off all of your clothes…” she sang. She moved her fingers to pluck at the top button of my shirt, opening it.

I set my hand over the sliver of newly exposed skin and gasped. “So scandalous, Lana!”

She giggled. “Oh, and you don't want to fuck under the Hollywood sign while I wait for my sugar daddy to call me?”

“We'll I don't think we can fuck under the Hollywood sign but does under a piano work for you?”

“Oh yes, a whole two feet of space! You'd knock your head on it so fast!”

“Hey, i tried, ok? Besides, i can find a way to position you.”

“Lee Hwitaek! You perv!”

“You started it but I can definitely finish it.” I tackled her gently to the floor, making her cry out and laugh with me. We were always goofing off like a pair of idiots which were my absolute favorite times. I pulled her against me tight and kissed all over her neck and cheek. “You drive me crazy you know that?”

She pawed at my face. “Ah! Hey! Yeah, you definitely drive me crazy too.” She turned her head to catch one of my kisses on her lips. “It's a good kind of crazy though. She gave me another quick kiss then looked down at my watch. “Shit, i have to get going for dance practice with Kino. He's gonna kill me if I'm late.”

My happiness was cut a bit short and I held onto her tighter. “Just stay with me instead.” I whispered.

“Aww, Hui. You know I'd love to but we have a dance project and-”

“We have a project that we need to work on too. He can deal with it.”

“Noooo, i can't! I'll never hear the end of it. You know how Kino is.” She pushed me away and sat up. “We can meet up again this weekend or something. I think I’ll have some time on Saturday.” She stood up and gathered her things. “I promise I’ll give you all the time in the world ok?! See ya!”

I watched her leave our practice room, destroying the bubble of our safe haven to go hang out with my friend. I sighed as another pang of jealousy hit directly to the heart. I pulled my knees up and set my arms on them, wondering what to even make of myself. Just tell her Hui, I thought. Just tell her that you love her.

I’m a Ruin

I held my pillow close to my chest as tears flowed hot and heavy down my face. Everything that had happened with Hongseok replayed in my head as guilt riddled my stomach. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t rope him into any of this and I did just that. On top of it I revealed that I had slept with all of his friends and while there was a small sliver of me that was glad that it was all out in the open, every other part of me was screaming that it was all a mistake. I never wanted him to find out, if anything he could have been my escape from it all. Hongseok was a clean slate, after all. There wasn’t any drama attached to him and we had so much fun whenever we hung out. But he also didn’t have the history that I had with Kino, Hui, or Hyo.

Those three were a whole other battle in of itself. Kino and I’s relationship was basically shattered and nonexistent. I knew Hui was ready to take the next step but with everyone else on my mind I had no idea if I would be able to give him my all without hurting him in the process. Hyojong was one of my closest friends. We knew so much about one another and though I wasn’t really too sure about opening my heart to multiple people (which let’s face it, at this damn point I might as well to save myself a headache), but Hyuna was so welcoming. Together they were like the perfect ray of warmth and sunshine that it almost felt as if I had nowhere to fit in. My head was swimming so much with thought after thought that i almost felt dizzy. I needed to somehow get some sleep and maybe try and set them aside for at least one night. They were just consuming me to the point where it was suffocating. I just wanted to be happy again. I wanted to survive college and graduate and be a star where I could share my talents with the world and live free. I know I had dug this hole for myself but running away seemed like the best thing to do right now.

I was ready to recline into my bed and give up entirely when I heard harsh raps on my door. I jumped up quickly wondering who the hell that could be. It was already late and my roommate wasn’t home. I sighed and thought that maybe she may have forgotten her keycard. It was unlikely but stranger things have happened. I wiped my face as much as I could, trying to gather myself before I opened the door. I sniffed deeply and pulled the door open, wincing as the bright light of the hallway poured into my dark room. My heart fell into my stomach as I saw the disheveled, pajama’d and panting messes that were before me.

“W-what...what’s going on?” I stammered while i was internally begging for this to not happen at this moment.

“We need to talk.” Kino stated flatly, he was the first to push past me and go into my room. Hyojong flicked on the light in my room and squeezed past me as well. I sighed, absolutely defeated and let the others in before making my way over to sit on my bed once more. They circled me then, like lovesick vultures corning me into a decision I was no where near ready to make. I knew what they were going to say before any words were even uttered.

“We just...we we’re talking...” Hui started.

“I needed to know about everything that happened. It was even worse then the minimal lies you told me.” Hongseok spat.

“Don’t you even dare, Hongseok. I never lied to you. I didn’t want you to know about everything because you had no business knowing about it all.” I interjected.

“I had no business knowing about what you were doing with my friends?”

“No, you didn’t. You know why? Because what I do with anyone is no ones business, even if you are friends. I gave myself to each and every one of you and I’ve said it over and over, my intent was never to break up your brotherhood or turn you on one another. I fucked up and I know that. But if I wanted to fuck Kino i did. If i wanted to fuck Hui i did. If I wanted to fuck Hyojong I did. Hell, if I wanted to fuck them all at once I did that too! I’m not going to be guilted into having urges just like you all. I love you guys, most importantly as friends. Every last one of you. It’s who I’m in love with that hurts the most.”

“Who are you in love with then?” Hyojong asked.

“Everyone.”

“You can’t be in love with everyone. That isn’t possible nor is it fair!” Kino snapped.

“It is possible. It’s always possible to love more than one person but...how we’re all thinking-even me- is that we want her to ourselves. We don’t want to share. We want to have that one on one connection.” Hyojong continued. “It just seems further and further from reality than we expected.”

“You need to chose someone. Please, love, just for the sake of my sanity.” Hui pleaded.

“Your sanity? What about my sanity?! Don’t you think I’ve been driving myself fucking insane thinking about who I would want to be with? I’ve been trying to piece together what I even want for weeks, months, semesters! I don’t know how to even begin to choose!”

“Well you better fuckin’ decide. We’re tired of being dragged along by you.” Kino said.

I whipped around to face him. “Don’t you dare fuckin’ talk to me. Why would I even pick you!? You hurt my feelings. You betrayed my trust! You slept with my best friend and just when I thought that we were on the mends you threw me out in the cold again.”

“I love you! More than anything! I’ve always loved you! I’ve just been...I’ve been too fucking afraid to admit, ok?”

“Yeah?” I swallowed hard, trying to shove my tears down my throat instead of having them burst forth once again. I was so tired of crying. “Well, it’s a little bit too late for that isn’t it Kino?”

“Look, I can’t speak for anyone’s actions but my own but...we do...we want some kind of closure. I know this is hard given your relationships with us- even with Kino. Someone is bound to get hurt by this, even I’ve prepared myself for that, but anything is better than no answer at all.” Hui set his hand on my shoulder and smiled at me gently. His face held nothing but sorrow and his brown eyes were dripping in sadness. If my heart wasn’t already shattered it definitely was now. Completely minuscule pieces that didn’t even resemble a heart anymore.

I pulled away from him as I could feel my body trembling. Their eyes were on me once more and fear made my blood run cold. They weren’t going to stop until they got a response. I looked at Kino, seeing the regret on his face and want to repair the broken relationship between us- something I never thought I would’ve ever witnessed. A simple apology weeks ago would’ve solved all this between us and yet I never felt more distant from him than at this very moment, even though there was a thin thread tethering me to him still. Hyojong stayed ever the patient one though he had underlying panic in his stiff frame. He couldn’t fully look at me but I could tell his mind was racing a mile a minute. I wish I could let him know fully that he still had a hold on me, Hyuna aside, I wanted him and his unconditional love. Hui was the one with the most hurt on his face, as if was about to cry just as much as I was. I didn’t want to hurt him. I couldn’t bear it. He meant so much to me-the absolute world to me. Then there was Hongseok, who’s eyes, even if he was mad at me at this very moment, reflected every happy moment I had with him. The way I felt in his arms never ceased to amaze me. His warmth, his gentle kiss, and sweet demeanor was everything I had ever wanted in someone. I wanted to waste hours and days laughing with him, playing video games, binge watching movies, and getting lost in that perfect smile.

I was back at square one, as if I had never left and frozen in my skin.

“Well?” Kino said.

“Who do you choose?” Hongseok asked.

“Please...” Hui begged.

“I just want you to be happy.” Hyojong whispered.

I covered my face and let the tears flow. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I was lost, stuck, and ready to move forward all at once. All I had to do was take the plunge. “I....I choose... I choose H-”

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