#i might take a break from art until i start school again

[rosyshortcakes]

Should I color it?? I really don't know.

[wave2tyun]

apple cider | ☆

pairing: huening kai x reader

genre: fluff, childhood friends to lovers

summary: you were foolishly blind to the feelings you held for your best friend, huening kai, until one they, they started to bottle up like soda pop

warnings: slight injury?? nothing serious<3

word count: 3.5k

a/n: apple cider by beabadoobee has been ON REPEAT!!!! these past few days!!!!1!1! which is why i believed it might be the perfect time to bring this fic back!!😋 i love love love writing things based on songs, and this is (obviously asbdsjha) where the inspo for this fic came from, as well as the studio ghibli movie 'from up on poppy hill'!! :D also, is it just me or do 24 hours in a day simply not feel like enough anymore......?😖

☆ = repost from my old blog!!

huening kai was the definition of a sweetheart. grandmas loved him, animals adored him, he was the type of boy anybody's parents would be delighted to meet if you brought him home. and most importantly, he was your best friend.

you and kai met in kindergarten. your very first interaction happened when your parents were late to pick you up, so you, a sensitive child started crying a river. kai was even faster than the teacher to approach you, napkin in his hand and a sweet smile on his face. he patted your back until your parents arrived, sometimes cracking some pokemon impressions in an attempt to make you smile again like he saw you earlier that morning. during your arts and crafts session the next day, you made kai a sloppy drawing of his favorite pokemon character, which, to this day, he insists is the greatest gift he has ever received, the treasured piece of paper sitting in a frame on his nightstand to remain in pristine condition.

from that day on, you only ended up spending more and more time together. you switched seats so that you could sit next to each other during classes, played together during breaks and became lunch buddies, an unspoken promise which had been kept during primary school, middle school, and even now, as you were both high school students in your last year. kai grew up to be a piano prodigy, thus becoming the president of the school's music club. you, on the other hand, wasn't any interested in any extracurricular activities, preferring to stay in bed and sleep your day away on the days where your parents weren't attacking you with house chores. still, you and kai were stuck together like glue. you talked on the phone every day at midnight, rambling on about your day or about anything that crossed your mind; you tried your best to meet up outside of school whenever your schedules allowed, popping a cold bottle of your favorite sweet apple cider.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

your eyes scanned the tables for kai once again. he told you to meet up at the outside dining area, but 15 minutes had passed and he was nowhere to be seen. you huffed, placing your tray down at a table where some of your classmates sat. ‘can’t believe he’d ditch me today’ you angrily pierced the straw through your milk carton.

the sound of a loud horn startled you, making you almost choke on your drink. the highest windows of the school were opened with a bang, paper scrolls coming out of them, followed by the heads of some students as they were peeking out.

“are those the club leaders?” someone at your table asked.

“yeah...seems like so” yunjin answered “what are they up to now?”

you shielded your eyes with your hand, squinting as you tried to read the words written on the papers.

‘lack of freedom kills the people’

“they’re protesting” you broke the silence, making everyone’s head turn towards you “the principal has been wanting to shut down the clubs”

some students gathered around the dining area, they moved in sync and with fast movements, taking out the grate that was placed over the water basin outside. you shrugged, going back to your meal. you weren’t exactly sure what they were going to achieve with this. not even a minute later, yunjin gave you a tap on the shoulder, pointing towards the roof.

“isn’t that-“ she stopped midway, unable to finish her sentence. your face was instantly drained of color at the sight.

it was huening kai.

“what the hell is he doing up there” you mumbled, frowning. you didn’t have a good feeling about this- whatever this was.

huening kai had a bright smile plastered on his face, the whole school’s attention being on him. he coughed then cleared his throat before loudly speaking.

“if our words weren’t enough to reach principal Jung, then that means that it is time for us to turn to actions” he inched closer towards the edge of the roof. his voice remained confident, but his hands betrayed him, shaking as he held the mic close to his chest.

you gulped. you felt nauseous, an empty feeling was taking over your stomach despite the distance between the roof and the ground not being that high.

“if you don’t want to respect us- we will make ourselves heard” huening kai turned his head, looking back at the boys behind him, who gave him a short nod. then, he put the mic down, taking a deep breath before diving into the air, aiming for the water basin.

the plan was easier said than done, and kai stumbled into a bush before landing down on his knees in the shallow water. the members of the photography club were quick to capture the moment, just like you were quick to jump out of your seat and approach the boy. “are you okay-“ you reached your hand out to help him stand up. kai’s smile never faltered away, and once he was back on his feet, he gave you a wink as he clasped your hands together. the bright flashes of the cameras surrounded you in an instant, the photographers pushing through to get “the best shot”.

your cheeks turned a bright shade of red, and you let go of his hands, mumbling as you went back to your seat “stupid- so stupid” you continued to stuff your face with the sandwich you had packed in your lunch bag. why was your face burning that much anyway- you shook your head, trying to ignore the thoughts invading your mind, as well as the hushed whispers coming from all around you. you couldn’t let such foolish actions disturb your day.

kai, as usual, still called you that night. you, however, loved being stubborn. when you saw his name coming up on the screen of your phone, you contemplated for a few minutes, before swiping to deny the call. ‘that should teach him’ you thought. barely a minute later, you were already regretting your decision. you were still mad at him, yet, for some reason, you still wanted to hear his voice, just like every other night. it never mattered to you whether it was a proper conversation. you didn’t care what kai would be talking about- you just wanted to feel like you had him, in some way, close to you, though your pride didn’t allow you to be the one to initiate another call. why was it that you wished to hear him so badly? after all, you didn’t even like him...right? or at least- you didn’t even like him that much- right?

you tossed and turned in your bed, unable to let your eyelids close.

fuck.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

dark circles adored your eyes as a result of the poor sleep you had last night. you wished you could skip the first period and remain in bed for just a few minutes more, but your mom wasn’t having any of that. she took the blanket off your bed and opened your window, forcing you to get up and get ready for the day.

you stood in the hallway, head buried in the school’s newspaper, which teased ‘a revolution’ as well as ‘an endearing romance’ with a big image of you and kai holding hands on the front page.

“is there any way i could make it up to you?” you heard a voice near you.

you closed your locker’s door, kai’s face coming into sight, grinning as always. you wanted to ignore him for the day, pretending to be mad at him for the embarrassment that he had put you through the day before. but kai knew you too well- he had already anticipated your reaction to his stunt, and he wasn’t going to let you get rid of him so easily.

“depends. do you have anything in mind?” you crossed your arms, leaning on your side against the locker.

“apple cider, 10 pm at the playground. sounds good?”

you bit your lip to fight back the smile that was threatening to take over your face. looking down at the floor, you chuckled.

“i guess that would suffice. we’ll see”

the bell rang, signaling the end of your break. kai took the chance to quickly ruffle your hair before sprinting to his class. ‘dork’ you snorted, putting it back into place before going your own way.

you were quick to prepare dinner that day. both of your parents were taken aback by the stark change in your attitude compared to how you behaved in the morning, the sudden surge in energy being questionable. they chose not to bring it up though, afraid that they might ruin your mood. you arrived at the playground at 10 pm sharp and sat on one of the swings there, protecting the other vacant one from the kids that still lingered around until kai came. and soon enough, there he was, apple cider bottles in his hands (just like he promised) as he approached you. you smiled at the sight.

“are you that happy to see me?”

“you wish- i’m just happy to receive the apple cider” you joked, lying through your teeth.

“ah- i’m hurt” hueningkai frowned, dramatically putting a hand over his heart. you laughed at his cute antics. he took his place on the swing, handing you one bottle.

“that jumper looks pretty on you, i like it”

“t-thanks” you stuttered, looking down, failing to see the tips of his ears turning pink. you took a sip from the bottle, the taste so refreshing and all too familiar.

“so- did you manage to convince the principal not to shut down the clubs?”

kai chuckled, reminiscing the events “yeah-“ he stood up, putting his hands on his hips and clearing his throat before speaking again with an exaggerated lower voice “never in my 40 years in this field have i ever seen such- such outrageous actions” pinching the bridge of his nose, he continued “whatever, just do whatever you want. at this point it’s less of a pain to let you continue than to cancel everything”

you burst into laughter at his silly act. kai always had his imitations spot on, and to you, it was much more entertaining than any kind of comedy movie.

“i’m glad it wasn’t all in vain” your smile died down upon noticing the bandages wrapped around his hand “is your hand okay though?”

“oh- yeah, don’t worry about it, it’s just a scratch” he replied quickly, stuffing it in the pocket of his jacket before sitting back down. you sat in silence for a while after that, kicking around the pebbles underneath your feet.

“i’m sorry” kai whispered softly.

“hm? sorry for what?” you frowned.

“sorry for getting you involved in this, it wasn’t supposed to be like that- i told the other members of the club to remove the picture from the article but they didn’t listen”

“hey- it’s okay” you reassured him “it was out of your control, it wasn’t like you knew this whole fiasco was going to unfold”

“but-“ he tried to argue,

“no buts” you interrupted him, laughing “whatever happened, happened. plus- i got to drink some apple cider. even better since it was with you- so, it’s all good”

kai returned your smile, he seemed to be a bit more at ease after hearing those words. you wished that you could have found the strength to get up and give him a hug too, but you were too afraid that your heart would burst if you did that now.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

“i’m home” you shouted as you stepped inside the house. leaving your bag on the floor in the hallway, you dragged your feet to the kitchen and put on the apron to get started on your dinner. your parents never got off work before your classes ended, meaning that the responsibility of preparing food for everybody always fell on you. you opened the cabinet underneath the sink to get some potatoes, but your hand reached out into nothingness. confused, you crouched down to have a better look. your face dropped as you realised that there was nothing left inside. that one vegetable was the whole star of the dish, meaning that there was simply no way to substitute it.

‘shit shit shit-‘ you stormed out the door, wanting to slap yourself in the face as you recalled the moment your mother asked you to stop by the farmer’s market in the morning. maybe, just this once, the traffic would be jammed and your parents wouldn’t be so quick to return home from work. you struggled to put on your jumper as you also held a basket in your hand, wanting to be as quick as possible. just as you were about to make your way down, you someone called out from behind you:

“need a ride?” kai was riding his bike to his grandparents, but stopped in his tracks upon seeing you in such a hurried and panicked state.

“god- yes, please” you fumbled over your words. the timing couldn’t have been any more perfect; you were so grateful to see him there, you could almost see a ray of light shining on him and a halo on top of his head.

“have a seat then” he laughed.

you quickly sat down in the back of kai’s bicycle. looking down at the steep path in front of you, you gulped “are you sure it’s okay for us to ride together?”

“just hold on tight” kai took hold of your hands and wrapped them around his torso before pressing on one pedal with his foot. you couldn’t even brace yourself properly for the impact as you went down the hill of doom; your head instantly hit kai’s muscular back, and you found yourself holding his body tighter. you closed your eyes, trying to shift your focus from the citizens passing by you in a blur, to the sweet scent of his fruit-punch shampoo invading your senses. kai swiftly took a turn to the left, effortlessly avoiding all the possible obstacles in his path. thankfully, you both made it to the farmer’s market in one piece.

sighing in relief, you lifted yourself up and walked to the nearest vegetable stall around. kai remained right next to you, making a purchase of his own. he munched on a freshly fried hashbrown as you did the necessary shopping, holding a second piece in his other hand.

“all done” your shoulders slumped down, the whole thing had drained you both physically and mentally. you quirked an eyebrow as you looked at kai eating.

“what?” he asked, throwing the last piece of food in his mouth “i need energy to go back”

“right” you sighed “thank you so much. i might live to see another day because of you” you tried to joke. in reality, the thought of your parents scolding you alone was enough to make your heart start beating faster.

“don’t worry about it” he chuckled “here- take this” he handed you the hashbrown he had been holding. you took it reluctantly, not having expected to receive something like this.

“eat it- it’s good. plus, you need energy too” kai grabbed his bicycle again, positioning himself on the leather seat “i have to go now, you should probably hurry too.” he smiled “take care, y/n” kai sent you a little wave before setting off. you stood on the side of the road for one more moment, smiling at the hashbrown in your hand. you took the first bite as you started to go up the hill again, the worries that were clouding your head quickly disappearing.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

somehow, soon enough, you found yourself in front of kai’s house. you wanted to thank him for his sweet gesture from a few days ago. if it weren’t for him, your parents would have probably kept you locked in the house. you didn’t know what you were going to say to him. staring at the box of cookies you brought with you, you tried to muster up the courage to knock on the door.

knock knock knock

you waited patiently, biting your lips.

‘maybe there’s still enough time to run-‘

“y/n- hi, come in” kai opened the door, greeting you.

“hi” you blurted out. stepping inside, you took off your shoes, then silently followed behind kai as he guided you towards his room. piano sheets were spread out everywhere- on the floor, on his desk, on his bed. you’ve never seen it look like such a mess.

“oh- sorry, were you practicing?”

“tried to- the music festival is just around the corner, but the song choices are killing me”

“can you show me?” you asked, it was always a pleasure to hear kai practicing, but this time, you were also using this as an excuse to organise your thoughts properly.

“yeah, come here” kai patted the empty space beside him on the piano bench. you hugged the cookie box close to your chest, the short distance between the two of you making you feel nervous.

kai’s fingers glided along the black and white tiles, wrist playfully flicking up as he changed up the speed with ease to create a flawless, harmonious symphony. it sounded perfect- it always did.

“that was great” you spoke softly as he finished up the piece.

“wanna try?” kai offered.

“s-sure” you stuttered, putting down the box. somehow, despite all those years that you’ve known each other, you had never given learning piano a try.

kai took hold of your right hand, placing it on the keys “you have to use the pad of your fingers” he put his hand over yours, gently pressing down to demonstrate. you prayed that he couldn’t hear the loud sound of your palpitating heart “then- move your wrist up before moving on to the next set of notes, then down, like a feather falling” you started to feel light-headed, the feeling of kai’s warm hands on yours making you unable to concentrate on the task at hand. you looked up at him, his face now much closer to you than when you first started practicing. kai’s hand stopped guiding yours, yet didn’t let go of it. he glanced at you, his gaze stopping on your plush, rosy lips.

“holding you closer right now- would that cross the line?” he spoke softly, in a daze.

“maybe i want you to cross the line” you whispered back.

kai stood still for a moment, letting your words sink in. then- with gentle movements, his hand came to rest on your jawline, thumb rubbing against your cheek. he seemed nervous- so nervous to not ruin all of your built-up relationship up until that point. but fuck it- you looked so pretty with that jumper he adored, sitting gingerly on his piano chair, inviting him to finally feel his lips on yours. how was he supposed to resist? and when kai closed the gap, his mouth meeting yours in a gentle peck, it felt so incredibly right, so good and sweet.

one more peck.

his body shifted even closer to you.

another one.

his hand came to rest on your lower back, yours grabbed hold of his soft black sweater.

and once more- but this time, you both let the touch last longer, melting into the feeling.

“can i kiss you more?” kai asked, voice barely above a whisper, his thumb was caressing your lips as he spoke. you nodded, eager to indulge yourself into the taste of his sweet kiss. you hummed as he pressed his lips on yours again, the butterflies in your heart unable to settle down. he grinned into the kiss at the sound, his heart felt warm knowing that you wanted this, and enjoyed this just as much as he did. you pulled away, giving the mole at the corner of his lips a kiss, then you left another on the one near his temple, ending with the one you adored most, the one on his nose. you cupped his face, the temperature of his cheeks rising against your fingertips. kai chuckled as you hid your face in the crook of his neck, the adoration you felt towards him becoming almost too much to handle.

“do you want to stay the night?” kai asked bashfully, his fingers playing with one of your sleeves “i have some apple cider left” he looked up at you, eyes gleaming with hope.

“of course i want to” you giggled, dipping down to leave another peck on his soft lips.

3 bottles of apple cider down, you and kai laid down on the bed, legs tangled with each other as he played with your hair and you braided his. you joked around, playing with the plushies on his bed, sometimes stealing kisses on the cheek from each other and falling into another fit of shy giggles yet again. and when you finally drifted off to sleep, hand in hand, you swore you had never felt your heart feel more at ease.

@huekalover3000 @maybabe00 @sunoooism @boba-beom

[aziraphales-library]

Hi,

Could I ask for some roommate fics? A little pining is great but I'm not a huge fan of too much angst.

There is one roommate fic I remember that I'd love to find again, it was set during lockdown, and azirphale was a virgin but was talking to Agnes on zoom with plans to date. Crowley offers to teach him about sex, and it gets physical, even though they're straight buddies ..of course. 😏

Thankyou

We have a #roommates tag. Here's the one you're looking for and a few more to add...

Not a Mounted Dildo but a Fuck Machine by NaroMoreau, summerofspock (E)

Aziraphale and Crowley have lived together for three years when lockdown goes into effect. When Aziraphale meets a nice girl on Tinder who he thinks is his perfect match, he's delighted. There's just one hurdle: that pesky virginity thing. Lucky for him, Crowley has always been there for him. He's helped Aziraphale with every other problem through the years, why not this one?

Tinder Dates Gone Wrong by OceanLace (E)

Aziraphale decides to take a risk and brings a man home but doesn't realize that his roommate and best friend had the same idea. Things don't turn out the way either of them were expecting but end up exactly how they wanted.

Principles of Proximity by Cannebady (E)

Crowley's plan is to get through grad school in one piece and then live his bachelor dream life. With a less-than-wholesome upbringing and no real human ties to speak of, he's made a life for himself. It's just fine, actually. And he's fine too, while you're at it. Enter new roommate, Aziraphale, who just might teach him the benefits of putting down roots.

…And They Were Roommates by Mimsynims (E)

“You know… I just remembered that Richard and I were going away for a few days next month.” Something devious came over him. “Richard paid for it, but the booking is in my name.” Crowley quickly caught on to what he was getting at. “Ooh, I see. That’s convenient.” He grinned. “For us." When Aziraphale's boyfriend Richard (Dick) breaks up with him, he and his roommate Crowley hijacks an intended couples' vacation and uses it for themselves. Lines that had started to blur even before their trip gets even more blurry - which perhaps isn't the best thing when both are hiding a crush on the other (and communication isn't their strong suit).

make it with you by NaroMoreau (E)

PAID RESEARCH OPPORTUNITY: A romantic couples study!! ------ Aziraphale and Crowley are broke roommates who are struggling to keep up with rent and a harsh landlord. After Crowley loses his job and Aziraphale's bookshop hasn't managed to make enough profit, they'll resort to anything to save what they love, and when they come across with the idea of a paid study for couples... Because some ideas are good until they aren't.

You Can Stay At My Place (And We Can Fall in Love) by IneffableToreshi (E)

Anthony Crowley is an art student with a heart of gold and a broad assumption about himself and his own (apparent lack-of) sexuality. When he meets literary student Aziraphale, he thinks he's found a great friend and possibly the perfect roommate. But when an exceptionally idiotic idea turns into Aziraphale reluctantly agreeing to pretend to be Crowley's boyfriend, Crowley rapidly realizes that he may not have been nearly so asexual as he originally thought...

10,000 Hours by AnnaTheHank (E)

Rich playboy Anthony Crowley has finally broken the last straw. He's been disowned by his grandmother, and turned away by his family. With no money and no where to go, he heads to the old family cabin to lay low until it all blows over. Romance writer A.Z. Fell has been given use of her publisher's cabin to get away from the city and work on her newest book-her first erotica. Neither expected the other to be there, but there they both were. And AZ finds that Crowley's vast knowledge of sex may just make up for her own lacking knowledge when it comes to writing her book.

- Mod D

[stranger-opinions]

maybe it's not a writers-block; maybe you just need a break

creativity is a muscle, right?

you need to exercise it to keep it in good shape, to have it ready when you need it and don't we all love those hyperfocused sprints of writing where the words just spill out of our fingertips...

but muscles get sore when you overuse them, will strain when you force them past their limits, they need nourishment to stay healthy and in shape

fandom today has a competitive atmosphere. many wouldn't admit that; it's supposed to be fun after all. just vibing with our mutuals, playing with the blorbos having a fun time online to scratch a few itches.

but the truth is that it can become a lot of pressure rather fast.

putting out several k of (edited) writing a month, setting up painstakingly formatted posts with the right tags and a fun header we spent hours on to look effortlessly cool and eye-catching just to hit post and then feel... nervous. excited too, sure...

but damn, when will the next chapter be finished? or the next one shot? will there be enough time to put a few blubs in between so that the few people who actually seem to care won't forget about us and move on?

writing for writing's sake is a nice notion. the myth of the self-sustaining artist who needs nothing more than a passion and their tools of choice.

but shit isn't just created out of nothing.

what has that all to do with the title of this post do you ask?

very few people can just keep going and going making art like that without needing any breaks and a good portion of those people very likely have very different conditions than most of us have with full-time jobs, families, school and so on.

For many of us writing is a main outlet, an important hobby and a safe space but that still doesn't change that it is a creative hobby, an outlet that demands energy: emotional, mental and physical (typing for hours is hard work if you want to believe it or not) and that sometimes makes it impossible to accept that we just need a fucking break.

"writers-block", in my own experience, is my brain telling me that something is off and that it's on strike until I fucking fix that.

and sometimes it's just that I need a break.

that I need to recharge my creative batteries, take in things that inspire me, that make me happy and get me excited without having to make anything myself. to just be. take some walks amongst trees, watch a new series, read a new book, go into a deep dive of some random topic on wikipedia until I don't know where the fuck I started from.

sometimes I just need to log out, cut the overstimulation of a never ending dashboard, turn off what everybody else on tumblr is doing, how much everbody is putting out, get away from my frustration about "my flopped fic" or the latest fandom drama and reconnect with the real reason I am doing this.

the love for stories and the source material.

for some people those breaks can be as short as two days, for other is might be weeks or months and that is not only okay but totally normal.

sometimes you might realize that the reason you are not writing is that you actually don't want to. sometimes you just want to daydream without the extra work sometimes you're just not in a writing mood and it's not much deeper than that.

that doesn't have to mean you're done with your blorbos. it just means that there are more valid and fun ways to play with them.

don't worry, the fandom will still be there when you decide to pick up the keyboard again. maybe with less people, maybe with many different people but you will always find someone who cares. those who have moved on to different things not come back wouldn't likely have stayed if you had powered through.

fandom shouldn't be a you're in or you're out thing but a place you come to when you want to.

contentification of fandom has had a lot of negative effects on the way we create and so many people fade from their hobby because they simply burn themselves out to a point where it leaves a scar.

so. find something that makes you happy that does not require you to invest too much creational energy. rest those muscles as long as it takes.

nothing you can get on tumblr or ao3 is worth the sore brain, the frustration with yourself and the stress you add onto your mental health ontop of everything else in your life.

recharge, reevaluate, reconnect

have fun

[liquidorcard]

HEY Y'ALL IT'S MIKAILER WITH AN "ER" WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO GRASP!?

---

Did I get your attention, Mikaila? I hope so, let's see.

Mikaila, I don't like you. You've done shit that's soured my opinion of you. I'm acknowledging that now to get that out of the way. I'm not here to be two-faced about this or blow smoke up your ass.

But as one idiot who stayed in a toxic relationship to another-- I'm not making fun of you because I think I'm better. I know. Being in a relationship like that brings out some ugly shit. You resent and fear people will never forgive you. You don't know if you will forgive yourself. I'm not making fun of you because I think I'm better than you.

And it feels kinda good, being treated badly? In a weird way? When you're used to it? When you feel you kind of deserve it? It did for me too. My abuser did some fucked up shit to me. I don't know how to describe to you the strange feelings I'm left with now. Sometimes I think I finally hate her, sometimes, as pathetic as it makes me feel, I still miss her. It's a rot in you that never really goes away, but you learn to live with it. I understand that agony. I understand that anger of how fucking unfair it is.

You know my opinion of Lily. You're not going to trust me that I'm not saying all this just to get you two to break up to hurt her. Fair. Very fair, not going to pretend like it's not. But if Lily loves you, nothing I'm about to say should be an issue. She should want what's best for you, right?

Here's the rub Mikaila, it's been a few years now. I know you want out of your situation at home, but it doesn't seem like Lily's going to be able to help you with that at this point. I'm sure Lily's given you plenty of reasons as to why, and it's time to listen to her.

If you're heart's set on coming to Canada, your best bet is getting a job here. Or even, going to school. Art degrees (Here in Canada) aren't as expensive, provided you go to the right school. Even taking out a student loan for just one year to figure your shit out. I know you're in quite a bit of debt right now and don't want to get into more, but. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Here's the college I went to. Yes, your work is sufficient to potentially get admitted. Believe it or not, art school's get that illustration is a learned skill. Artists start from all different levels:

Look through the admissions requirements to see if you have the academic records to be admitted. If not, you could also consider upgrading through online classes aswell.

Again though, your best bet is to try to find employment. The cost of living isn't great here right now, but it isn't great anywhere. I doubt you'll be able to find cheaper rent in America.

Once you're here or wherever you end up, away from the chaos of your home, you might find it a lot easier to get your head around, establishing some better independence and becoming a citizen by yourself. It's a shitty process, but not as bad as the one you guys have in the States. We stan an immigrant here.

You need to look out for you, Mikaila. It's not selfish. It's not a matter of whether you "really deserve it or not." Nobody's going to save you. You're emotionally spent because of your parents, You're emotionally spent because of Lily. And it feels kind of nice how much Lily needs you. But you can't help her until you help yourself - and again, if we're all wrong and Lily really loves you, she shouldn't have a problem with you finding your way.

My own mother once told me I was "born sad." I've never not hated myself. I ate up any little bit of love and validation no matter how many bitter, razor pills that came with it too. That's just how it is for some of us.

But you know what Mikaila? Fuck em. Fuck all of them. Fuck everything. Fuck me, Mikaila. You've got one life. One body. One you. Whatever you think of her, someone's gotta fight for that poor bitch. Why not you fight for you?

Everyone's a stinky meat bag stripped down, Mikaila. Everyone's made a fool in the wake of the shit people like you and I have been through. Not everyone's going to be able to forgive everything, but everyone's not wholly past forgiveness.

I'm no better than you Mikaila. Nobody is. Some of us just get to know the worst sides of ourselves better than others.

I don't like some of the things you've done, girl. But I see you. I get it. Tell us all to eat shit. Fix your life. Don't rely on Lily to make you feel whole or to save you. To make you feel worthy. No person can do that. She could be the reincarnation of Mary Mother of God herself, and you couldn't expect that from her. Be your own advocate. If your relationship isn't toxic, it can survive you becoming a more whole you.

This asshole is rooting for you. Give me an excuse to undoomer "Mikailer." My girl needs a win.

[hoseokslefteyebrow]

Thinking about...

You being Ghazan and Ming Hua's child. You're a few years younger than Korra.

Your story starts out unique. You're the child of two powerful benders after all, who are guided by their natural sense of order and chaos.

And before they end up in prison, they take you with them. Anywhere, any place. It was rare for them to leave you behind.

You're an earth bender too, and a mighty powerful one at that. Of course, you're no match for adults as a child, but your parents are protective, and crazy. They often take you to the battle field and have your back, always.

Of course, P'li and Zaheer have your back too. You're subjected to martial arts training at a young age. ( Being taught by none other than Zaheer, who was a powerful nonbender at the time.) You might not be strong enough to bend the most things yet, but they'll make sure you're capable of handling yourself to a certain level.

Zaheer and Ghazan are the two who teach you every martial art they know. 

Ghazan is particularly proud of you because you're an earthbender. Of course, Ming Hua is proud too, happy with you as their child.

And truthfully, you're happy too. You're loved and you get a lot of attention. 

You don't go to school, but Ming Hua and Zaheer teach you how to write and read.

You're not great at academics, but you are smart.

P'Li might not be described a lot right now, but she is absolutely fond of you.

And she's the last person between you and the White Lotus, and Tonraq, Korra's father, the day they get arrested. 

P'li is nervous. Things are going grim, your parents are already getting wrapped up, and Zaheer is restrained by now.

He glances up to where the two of you are stood, where P'li holds a protective hand in front of you. One you hold closely, tears in your eyes as you glance between Zaheer and P'li, seeing the struggling bodies of your parents.

" I want to help. I can help." You cry.

You can't, you're only a child. You're too young right now. Not strong enough.

P'li has tears in her eyes as Zaheer yells at the both of you.

" Run!" 

They're criminals, but you're their soft spot.

P'li shakes her head, gently nudging you back.

" Run, Y/N. Let me handle this. " 

You don't. You're as stubborn as your parents. You don't want to abandon them. 

You look at P'li with tears in your eyes.

She's focused, gentle nudging you again as she focuses on the group in front of you.

You don't run. Don't escape. 

And this changes your life forever.

Everyone is captured and separated, you included.

But everyone in the White Lotus and the police are conflicted on what to do with you.

You're just a child after all. (I know Korra was attempted to be captured at an age too young for her to remember, but for the sake of this story, let's pretend this happened somewhere when she was between 5-8.)

Imagine everyone's surprise when none other than Lin Beifong steps up, offering to take you in.

Of course, her request is granted.

Absolutely no one expected that. Including your parents.

They're enraged when they find out in their respective cells. But then again, their prisons are build in a way so they remain powerless.

You grew up in the Red Lotus, so of course, you're different from other children.

You're poised against the avatar. In favor of chaotic natural order like the group you grew up in.

And Lin doesn't blame you. In a way, she sees herself in you.

( Not for the chaotic order- more in the sense of your parents misguiding you.)

She's not sure what your life was like before you ended up in her care, but she assumes it was tough, much like hers. 

(She's wrong, but in the first few weeks, you rarely speak to her, so she doesn't know.)

In the first weeks, you both keep your distance.

Lin doesn't have any kids or a husband after all, so she's unsure on what to do with you, or how to handle you.

Until one day, you come crying to her. Asking when you're allowed to go home.

It breaks her tough heart.

She sighs, and explains that your parents are bad people. And that they're in prison.

It doesn't make anything better, and you wonder when you're allowed to see them again. 

She never answers that question.

Time passes, and she softens up with you, and you do the same.

You're an earthbender of course, so she teaches you how to metal bend.

You don't have the talent for it. It takes weeks to get you to be able to make a chunk of metal change shape, much more to actually get down the basics.

Metal bending isn't a talent for you, it takes a lot of time and practice.

Lin has a good guess on what subelement your better luck has, but she doesn't dare tell you.

She doesn't tell you that you are most probably  a lava bender. 

You find out yourself, years later.

By now, questions of your parents have passed. You do remember and care for them, but your years at the police chef's side teach you that they were bad people. 

You don't necessarily agree, nor do you really understand.

Your morals are guided by loyalty.

You wouldn't know who to follow if you would ever see your parents again.

Eventually, you find out you're a lavabender.

You're really happy when you find out. (I'll leave how up to you.) Memories of the moves your father taught you guiding you on how to use the element with efficiency.

Of course, you do have talent for that.

Lin is surprised, and less excited about it.

You don't much care.

( Although your morals are a wreck, you are pretty care free.)

She softens up when you grin about being able to help her now. 

You start carrying around rocks in your pocket, much like your father did. (even though you have no idea.)

Lin can see that you're undoubtedly the child of your parents, but she's glad she stepped into your life to change your faith.

You quickly become one of the strongest benders Republic City. 

(Though your lavabending is kept as a secret. Lin tells you that it's acquainted with bad beliefs, and considering you were still young around this time, you obey.)

You want to go out and see the world, but Lin doesn't allow you.

She trusts you with her life, and with a lot of other things, but she doesn't like it when you leave her side.

She tells herself it's because she doesn't want you to turn out like your parents.

You're not a cop though. Not into profbending either. You're really trying to find your calling in life.

The day you meet Korra is a little tense. Korra has no idea who you are, given that you stayed out of her gaze when your parents and the Red Lotus tried to catch her, but you do know who she is.

You don't kick it off as friends. At least, not until very much later.

Korra was different when she came to Republic City after all.

However, the one thing you have in common is the last airbending family. 

Surprisingly enough, Pemma is very fond of you.

It's not a surprise that her kids see you as their older sibling. You spend a lot of your time there (you didn't really care how much Lin disliked that at the beginning.)

It's a given that you see Korra around often, and you keep your distance. 

Until you simply don't anymore.

Korra is surprised, when you approach her when she feels lost one certain day, lost in thoughts as she stares blankly at the river separating Republic City and Airbender Island.

The two of you end up having a good talk. You admit you're often lost too, feel like this isn't while you're meant to be. Meanwhile she tells you about how much pressure she often feels, how she wishes she could have more answers to most things.

You become friends.

Months later, she asks you to come along when the airbenders spring up all over the earth kingdom.

It takes a lot of asking and convincing for Lin, but with a sigh, she allows you to go as long as Mako goes.

So of course, you pull Bolin along and convince Mako.

( You know Mako since he joined the police. And until he broke up with the avatar, you are acquaintances at most. You do become friends eventually some time after their break up, realizing he's fun to talk to. Surprisingly enough, you become best friends. )

Lin has never been more nervous as she actually sees you off.

She doesn't realize why yet, but Tenzin does.

She fusses over you as you leave her side for the first time in years, and Tenzin places a hand on her shoulder to ease her worries.

(Also, a funny detail is that absolutely no one has any idea that you're not Lin's legit child.- No one knows you're adopted of some sort. They all think that you look more like your father, and that he walked out somewhere early in your life. No one dares question it because Lin is intimidating.)

Your journey to the earth kingdom is fun.

Until Ba Sing Se.

You pretty much hate it at first sight.

Especially those walls.

What was the point to divide the rich from the poor? The strong from the weak?

You don't get too much time to ponder over it.

The Earth Queen apparently holds the airbenders you've all been missing after all.

And then Lin suddenly arrives. 

You've always felt care free so far, but now you're confused as Lin notifies the group that your parents, Zaheer and P'li have escaped.

She wants you and Korra back at Republic City, where she can watch over you.

However, Korra doesn't agree, and neither do you. 

The airbenders the queen has captured need your help.

That night, it's your absolute pleasure to take your anger and conflicted feelings out on the Dai Li.

Originally, Tenzin thought you were weak.

He's never seen you fight before, and Lin was always so protective of you, there was simply no other reason for her to be that worried, right?

Until he watches you take out an entire force of Dai Li agents by yourself.

(You remember that scene where the Dai Li surround the palace once they've broken the airbenders out? No one needs to move a muscle, you clear them all by yourself.

Also, remember that scene where Mako, Bolin and Kai are running from Dai Li agents who have risen on pillars and are launching their glove thingies at them?

Yeah, you're an absolute badass, jumping from Oogie and causing the ground to rumble, taking down the pillars the Dai Li are stood on.)

Later on, he glances at Lin with wide eyes. 

Why did she hide you away all this time? 

He guesses that with your unique combat style, you could've taken down Amon yourself.

She's kept you in the shadows in book 1 and 2. 

[A/N: mostly bc I feel lazy, might change that if people want more of the story.]

You were enraged when Amon took her bending, but she wanted you to remain in the shadows, to not only not attract attention, but also to keep you shielded.

She's overprotective of you. Even though you're one of the strongest benders out there.

You're the only person she has. The only person who knows exactly how she works, feels and thinks.

Her biggest fear is losing you.

She also orders you to stay in the zeppelin with her when you finally arrive at Zaofu.

You already know she hates her sister.

She's told you things here and there when you were a child.

You truely are her safe haven.

At first, although pouting, you do. You recognize her as a parental figure after all.

But you're not stupid. You know exactly why she's keeping you with her.

You know she's mostly just keeping you with her like a safety blanket. And you don't mind.

You let her be, offering simple comfort by talking about nonsense.

Meanwhile, not too long after the others leave, they return to fetch you and Lin.

You're excited when you finally meet Su Beifong.

Lin is not. (Her issue.)

Soon enough Su is introducing everyone, passing by Wei and Wing first.

They appear to be playing some kind of game, and that intrigues you.

Unbeknownst to you, one of the twins already spots you from the corner of his eye. (Hence why Wei has managed to score a goal against his brother- he was a tad bit distracted by you.)

You and the twins immediately hit it off. 

The rest of the Beifong family views you as a cousin, valuing you as much as they value Kuvira, like another sister (in law?)

Lin might be having issues, but you feel right at home.

Speaking of Kuvira, the two of you hit it right off.

If anything, she feels like the sister you never had. The two of you bond over being adopted by the Beifong families.

You tell her about your lavabending abilities too, and she's impressed, interested even.

Meanwhile, your parents, Zaheer and P'li have broken out of their prisons alltogether now.

Your parents' first concern is getting you back with them, and Zaheer and P'li agree.

They haven't seen you in 13 long years. You were 5 when they took you. 

You are 18 now.

They're angry at Republic City, at Lin Beifong for stealing their kid.

And they will make Lin pay.

They will bring justice to the world order, and they'll get you back.

They want you back as quickly as possible, but they know they need to be careful in planning.

Lin Beifong was a formidable bender after all. They couldn't just come knocking at her door.

Imagine their surprise when they find out you're with the Avatar.

It confuses them. It's bound to bring trouble for their cause.

Ever since they had you, they had always imagined fighting with you side by side, bringing down world governments and what not.

You're not fighting against the avatar, nor do you know her by name like everyone else.

You're her friend.

Everyone knows this will bring issues, but it doesn't matter. 

You belong with them. Not the people who took you.

Meanwhile you're having the time of your life at Zaofu. 

You play Wei and Wing' their own invented game. You train and hang out a lot with Kuvira, and of course, you hang out with the Avatar team too.

You and Wing grow closer especially.

You two hit it right off. You enjoy sparring with each other first, but then you and him start actually talking, getting to know each other at a more personal level.

You might only know each other for a few days by now, but you're quick to call each other best friends.

Both of you have feelings for each other, but it remains unspoken for now.

You don't interfere when Lin and Su start fighting. 

Something in you tells you that fighting is a part of the natural order of life. Like a faded memory brimming at the edge of your consciousness.

You're also the one to check up on her the next morning, very excited to find out that she's gotten some sense into her now.

You have no idea how, but you're happy about it nonetheless.

Meanwhile, your parents, Zaheer and P'li have made a plan.

The avatar isn't the only one they'll be taking from Zaofu. 

They expect you to be difficult. In the worst case, you might not even remember them.

They take you and Korra the same night. 

Or at least attempt to.

You're not awake to witness the crisis go down.

You don't have an animal companion, so knocking you out was the easy part.

Getting Korra was harder, not to mention the part when everyone is awake, and aware that they're there.

Lin especially is concerned, fighting more fiercely than she ever has.

Like hell that she'll allow these criminals to take her kid.

She cares for you like her own. And as far as she's concerned, you are her kid.

And she's not the only one who's concerned over you.

Kuvira and Wing are also sweating about your wellbeing.

However, your parents feel ecstatic, though they remain focused. 

After so long, they're finally able to bring you home.

The night is filled with tension surrounding you.

" We don't need to come from under them. We can come from above." 

Lin is quick to agree on Su's plan.

Things are tense, but in the end, both Lin and Su manage to come down from the ceiling, safe from P'li thanks to Bolin's quick skill.

Which leaves them to deal with your parents.

Ghazan' eyes widen at the sight of Su and Lin.

You and Korra are laid together in the middle of their makeshift island.

Ming Hua is busy defending P'li and Ghazan as it is.

Su is quicker at first, knocking Ghazan off his feet.

But he's quick to get back up. Though he's not focused on getting the avatar.

And Lin is the first to realize it.

She'll have to choose between the person she recognizes as her child and the avatar.

She hates it, but there's only one logical answer.

They would never harm you, evident in the way Ghazan was shielding you, not Korra.

Su would never leave with only one person of two, but even she realizes that they have no other options.

Ghazan was already aiming his lava at them, and Ming Hua was already turning around.

They nearly get Korra back in their hands too as Ming Hua gets a hold of her, only to be blocked by Mako.

And Zaheer returns, only failing in getting Korra too thanks to Su's quick thinking.

Su and Lin only return with Korra as the Red Lotus creates their smooth escape.

Wing is the first to be angry, asking Lin and his mother why they allowed them to take you.

It's hard to get it through that they didn't have much of a choice.

Once down with the rest of the group, the rest of the people there are heartbroken to see you're not with them.

Kuvira especially is enraged.

She has a strong sense of right and wrong after all.

She's quick to turn to Su, angry.

" How could you leave her?! Those people are criminals! They'll kill her!"

" No they won't. "

Lin tells them with a new kind of confidence. One that even makes Mako nervous.

" Chef?"

" They won't harm her. Ghazan and Ming Hua are her parents."

Now that is something absolutely no one expected.

[A/N: Eheheheh I've already decided I'll make a part 2. Anyway enjoy this cliff hanger.]

[dancingtotuyo]

1. tame the ghosts in my head

Woman | Joel Miller X Reader

Series Rating: Mature/Explicit

Chapter Summary: Joel Miller finds an unexpected face upon his return to Jackson.

Tags: Joel Miller x Reader. Age Gap. TV show characters. Mostly Cannon compliant for show and game.

Chapter Warnings: references to canon type violence, injuries, swearing, medical exam, illusions to loss & grief.

Words: 2437

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Familiarity is a foreign thing in this world. A priceless gift from the universe if you’re deemed to be so worthy, it’s a treasure to be treated as so, but when one is lucky enough to be chosen, fear tarnishes it. Gifts only last so long before they are taken away, leaving only grief and loneliness in their wake, making you wonder if it was really a gift at all or just a cruel prank. Yet, it gets you everytime, roping you into its trap.

It might be 20 years since you’ve laid eyes on him, but that stance, those brown curls, you would recognize them anywhere You spent the younger years of your life committing him to memory. You feel the trap tugging you toward him. You can’t be caught up again. You tell yourself you won’t be.

“Joel!”

He turns around, dark brown eyes meeting yours. He doesn’t expect anyone else to know his name here. Why does it sound familiar to him?

It all escapes from the recess of your mind. That all-encompassing file titled “before,” flies open. Memories come flooding back of him and of Sarah. You’re only conscious of the first trap, but there are others lying in wait. You and Tommy talk about her sometimes, but this brings up so much more.

He looks confused at first. You watch him wrack his brain. He recognizes you, but from where? You’re not the kid he once knew. The fresh, doe-eyed look of a 20-something new graduate is replaced by the 40-something worn woman you’ve survived into. Finally, it dawns on him.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” He walks over to you, disbelief written across his features.

“Hi.” You smile.

“Hi.”

It’s an awkward thing. Do you hug? Shake hands? You were Sarah’s babysitter from the time she was 6 until she complained she didn’t need one once she turned 13. The two of you still hung out when you were back from school. Joel usually slipped you a $20. You would’ve done it for free, never expected the cash, but you were also a broke college student. You never turned it down.

The lure of a familiar face is strong. The two of you settle on a comfortable distance. Closer than strangers, further than family.

“Tommy told me you were here at Christmas. He’s been worried about you.”

Joel nods. “It’s been a long couple of months.”

“Just months?” Your brows shoot up.

Joel fights back a smile. He remembers the smartass remarks you used to give Tommy when he teased you while you waited for Joel to cough up the cash he owed.

Flashes of coming home to pillow forts and Sarah’s giggles, arts and crafts with glitter that littered the house for weeks afterwards, and the countless other memories play in his mind.The memories send a pang through his chest, but he can handle them now, and here is another person who holds those precious memories.

“Relatively speaking of course.” The smile breaks through on his face. It’s starting to feel less foreign to him these past few days.

Joel wasn’t the most smiley person when you knew him 20 years ago. It suits him, you think. Another lure. Another diversion you don’t catch because you are so aware of the trap you’re sure it set, you don’t see the other one hiding. You won’t let the universe give you another person just to take them away.

“Of course.” You return his smile.

“I’m supposed to get checked out at the clinic. I think they gave me bad directions. Either that or my memory is shit.”

“I was just headed there. You can follow me.” Nod your head in the general direction.

“You’re a nurse.” He seems slightly unsure.

“Memory can’t be all that shitty, I guess.” You shrug. “If you call 3 months in the trauma unit being a nurse that is.”

“You got the education. I remember that.”

The keys jingle in your hand as you unlock the doors. The lights buzz to life with a flip of a switch. The slim medical supplies you have are neatly organized on shelves. It’s enough to care for basic needs. Scout teams sometimes bring back supplies from other places when they go on longer expeditions. All medications are safely locked away. You have the only key. You count the meds on a weekly basis with Maria and go over your meticulous logs. There’s a board-certified doctor in town. He practiced family medicine before the outbreak. He’s good with routine stuff but didn’t want a key. Too much pressure he claims.

You deal with the big stuff. Gaping wounds, infections, whatever it was that resembled surgery in this world. You play doctor, nurse, surgeon, and midwife. It falls on your shoulders and what you can remember from school. There are a few medical journals and textbooks on your shelves. Dr. Pooley has taught you a lot, but his knowledge is more outdated, more about family medicine. More often than not, you fail. People remind you; you do the best you can, you’re not trained for this, supplies are limited. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.

“You can take a seat.” You nod toward the medical table.

Joel nods, hopping up. “Did Ellie stop in last night? She said she would.”

“Yeah she did.” You wash your hands with soap. “Seems like a good kid. She’s got quite a mouth.”

Joel chuckles. “She seem okay?”

“For someone with two bites on her arm, yeah.”

He looks up, his eyes a mix of fear and concern and then it goes away. “Tommy told you?”

“Yeah… wanted to make sure I was the one who checked her out.”

“He tell anyone else?”

“Probably Maria.” You shrug and watch the uneasiness leave him. “I won’t tell anyone, Joel. It’ll either get people's hopes up or cause a witch hunt. Besides, doctor patient confidentiality and all that.”

He looks relieved. “Thanks.”

You nod. “Now, take your shirt off.”

He raises an eyebrow. You roll your eyes.

“I swear if you give me some snarky comment, I will stab you with a scalpel.”

He cringes feeling fantom pain in his scarred abdomen. “Noted.”

“You okay?” You catch the twinge on his face, stare at the gash on his neck.

“Yeah… it’s just…” He sighs, slowly unbuttoning his shirt.

For a moment, you are 22 years old again and sense of medical professionalism ceases to exist. It’s embarrassing really, the crush you had on him. Though, it’s just as embarrassing that it’s still affecting you. 20 years ago, you thought the world was more likely to end than anything remotely close to this happening. It seems Ironic now.

The nurse in you returns before his shirt slides off his shoulders. Your eyes go wide as you spot the big, angry scar on Joel’s abdomen. “What happened?”

Your fingers press around the scar, inspecting it. It’s cruel and jagged, still pink, but healed. It’s several months old and there’s no signs of infection.

“Your fingers are cold.”

You roll your eyes. “What happened?”

“We came across some raiders. I took them out, but not before one of ‘em got me with his broken bat.”

“Fuck, Joel.” You press a little firmer, searching for any signs of sensitivity or irritation.

It hits him that he’s never heard you curse. He bites back the tilt of his lips. He doesn’t think you would appreciate it. He never teased you like Tommy did. He was more of a quiet observer before the outbreak. He still considers himself so, but there’s an urge to tease you now. Maybe he wants to steal a slice of pre-outbreak life back.

“Does this hurt at all?” You continue to press all around, this time looking in his eyes. You’re firmly in his personal space now.

He never got to look at your eyes this closely before. They’re beautiful. He reads so much swirling in them. He still sees bits of the 22 year old he knew, freshly graduated and eager to help a world so close to damnation. He sees the shadows floating around, the trauma of living in this world. He sees it in others all the time. He sees it in himself everytime he looks in the mirror, but he wants to know what caused the darkness in yours.

He catches the fine lines that have started to age your face, and a few silver hairs beginning to weave through your natural hair color. He thinks they suit you.

“Joel.” Your voice is firm, shaking him out of his thoughts. “Any pain? Discomfort?”

He shakes his head. You let out a low whistle. “You’re one lucky bastard. It’s a bang up job on the stitches, but it did its job.”

“It got infected. Ellie managed to get her hands on some penicillin.”

His eyes darken. There’s more to the story, but you know better than to ask. One doesn't just “manage” to get their hands on penicillin, especially out here.

Your eyes scan his abdomen, but it is purely medical this time. Joel has several old scars covering his back and abdomen consistent with what you expect. The gash on his neck has already scabbed over, a couple of days old. You do your best to clean it without opening it back up.

You bring your stethoscope to his heart. It thuds in your ears. He breathes in at your instructions: long and steady in, long and steady out. His breath tingles in your ear. Your eyes scan up his neck and face. You think he might be just as handsome now as he was 20 years ago. He meets your eyes and you snap back to the tasks at hand. Heat rises over the back of your neck. You pull away before it reaches your cheeks.

Joel keeps quiet the whole time. His eyes track your every movement; a hazard of living in this world. It’s a hazard you learned to drop when within the walls of the settlement, though it took you years to do so.

His blood pressure is a little high, nothing too concerning or surprising. It’s not like you have medication to help. “How old are you?”

Your eyes meet again. “56.”

You wrack your brain. You helped Sarah with his birthday on numerous occasions. “September 26, right?”

“You remember?”

“I believe I helped put on several of your birthday parties.” You crack a smile, writing it down on the form. You have one for each member of the settlement in case of emergencies. “Shit… that’s-”

“Yeah, I know.” Joel crosses his arms. He hasn’t put his shirt back on yet. His biceps bulge, drawing your eye toward them. It hits you; maybe adult you also has a crush on Joel Miller. You shove that thought to the side. You’re avoiding that trap too.

Joel catches your eye. You swallow, hoping he didn’t catch you staring. “You can put your shirt back on.”

He nods. You don’t watch as he buttons it up. You study the file in front of you like it’s the next great American novel. “Do you know your blood type?”

“O negative.”

“You absolutely sure?”

“You calling me a liar?”

“No, but I’d hate to tap you on the shoulder asking for you to transfuse blood and the person drops dead because you had O positive or some other type.”

“I’m sure.”

You nod, marking it the chart. Joel’s shirt is back on. You can’t decide if you’re relieved or not, but something else catches your eye as he struggles with the last button.

“Hold out your hands.”

His eyes roll but obeys. You visually inspect them. Nothing seems wrong at sight.

“Now make a fist.”

He does, internally cursing when his right hand shakes and shutters. It still doesn’t close all the way. Taking all those fireflies out the day before doesn’t help matters. He eyes you, but you’re completely focused on his hands.

You place your index and middle fingers in his palms. “Now squeeze.”

You feel the fight in his right hand. Its grip is loose compared to the left.

“I broke it back in September.”

“How?” You take his hand. It’s warm and calloused. You ignore that part away as you feel through the bones and tendons searching for misplaced bones or built up scar tissue.

“Took out a Fedra guard leaving Boston QZ.”

“Define took out.” Your inspection continues.

Joel shifts looking away from you. It gives you a good look at his profile. Your eyes flicker up the muscles of his neck, his strong jaw and the scruff that covers it. You catch sight of a faded scar on his temple. He didn’t have that 20 years ago… you kick yourself for remembering that.

“It was just a hairline. Healed up fine on its own.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Obviously.”

Joel refuses to meet your eye. He doesn’t answer your question. Your annoyance grows.

“I’ll give you some options. Stunned? Mamed? Knocked unconscious?”

“Look, I'm not the person I used to be.”

You straighten up. “Nobody is, Joel. We’re literally in hell.” You push back images of your own actions- and inactions. “Now tell me so I can make a rough estimate on the force you used.”

Joel sighs. He remembers the cracking of bones. The way the guard went limp. It doesn’t haunt him. He would do it again to protect people, so why is he so hesitant? Is it that he associates you with Sarah?

He swallows. “Killed.”

He waits for you to kick him out, for a look of disgust to cover your face, but it never happens. You simply keep going with the exam. “Okay.”

You hit a sensitive nerve in his hand. He hisses. “I think it was more than a hairline… but it seems to have healed okay all things considering.”

Joel nods.

“I’m going to rig something up to help you strengthen the hand. It probably won’t help the nerve though.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I will. I’ll drop it off at your house this evening.” You make note of a few things on a clipboard. “Otherwise, I’m giving you a clean bill of health.”

“So I’m free to go?”

“Free to go.” You nod.

He’s almost out the door when you turn around. “And Joel…” He stops, meeting your eye for the first time since his confession. “We’ve all had to kill people, do ugly things for the sake of survival. Don’t think you’re the only one.”

He wants to ask further questions, but you turn your back to him and it dies on his tongue.

[kiyomitakada]

[high school au introduction. for the soul]

-

It had been a long time since Soichiro Yagami last drove his son to school. Light took the bus. His mom sometimes fretted about safety, offered to call a taxi instead, but then Light would have to make conversation with the taxi driver and while he did enjoy psychological manipulation it wasn't exactly his ideal mood just after waking up. Besides, it was so boring when he knew he'd never see the other person again. No stakes.

So, the bus. The regular bus, not the school one. If he saw any of his classmates on the way he might break the hammer out of the box and smash the windows.

Light sat in the back row and opened his Windows computer. He had perfected the art of typing quietly.

Last year he might have been putting the finishing touches on his summer reading essay. This year he pulled up 2048 and played until all the blocks swam across his vision in the same impossible color.

-

Misa bounced anxiously on the balls of her feet, peering over the crowd. She and Rem were just to the side of the main entrance. Rem was almost a head taller than her, which allowed her to stand behind Misa and still see perfectly.

"Do you see him yet?"

"No," Rem said. "Misa, we're going to be late."

"Oh who cares, you know the start-of-year assemblies are always the same." Misa flapped a hand at her. "I'm sure he'll be here soon!"

"Did he text you?"

"Good question!" Misa tapped at her phone; it lit. No new messages.

Light hadn't messaged her yesterday, either. Or the day before that. Misa shoved down the building panic in her chest.

"Nothing?"

"Maybe he got hit by a car," she offered. This was a better option than Light just forgetting. If Light had been hit by a car, Misa could take care of him. "Or maybe the bus broke down."

She tapped out r u ok???? and hit send. Then abruptly the wall of messages only on the right side of the screen was too much to look at, so she stuffed her phone back into her pocket.

It pinged a minute later. The time was now 7:57, and the crowd had thinned considerably.

Yes I'm fine. Just a delay on the bus Sorry

Misa pumped her fist. Yes! Light hadn't forgotten her! She typed back immediately:

oh no!!!! :0 how long is it gonna be

I don't know, Misa.

:((((((

"He doesn't know how long it'll be," Misa said, after the sad-face string received no reply. She stretched, then shivered. Maybe a shoulderless dress wasn't the best idea on a cold morning; in her defense, it was August.

"I'm sure he won't mind if we go in first," Rem tried.

"Yes he will! We're a couple, you know. We have to do things together." Misa sighed. Of course Rem wouldn't understand. There wasn't a romantic bone anywhere within that all-black hoodie. Then again, that was why Misa liked her so much — Rem had this weirdly innocent vibe despite generally hanging around the emos, like she still hadn't quite figured out how high school love worked. It was charming. Misa had taken Rem under her wing as soon as Misa transferred to their high school three years ago, and she had never looked back.

"Okay," Rem said, conceding defeat. She tapped a bit at her own phone, then reached up and unzipped her hoodie. She extracted her arms from it carefully before draping it over Misa.

Misa blinked. "Thanks?"

"You were shivering," Rem said, as though this explained everything. Maybe it did. Rem was such a good friend, Misa thought, pulling the hoodie over her arms. Rem would do anything for her.

"Are you gonna be cold?"

"No, I'm wearing long sleeves."

Misa grinned. "You dress like an onion, Rem."

Rem did not dignify this with a comment. She dipped her head back down over Misa's and kept scrolling through her phone, not making eye contact.

If Misa didn't know better, she'd think she was shy.

-

"I swear to God," Gelus muttered, before he cast his phone aside. "Ryuk, sit up."

"I'm saving Rem's seat," Ryuk said, lounging over two metal chairs like that one scene in Titanic.

Gelus groaned. "Rem's not coming. Misa's got her locked outside again."

"More room for me." Ryuk dropped an apple chip into his mouth, unconcerned. "Hey, Jello, you didn't tell me to save a seat for Misa."

"That's because I didn't want her to sit with us!" Gelus hissed.

"Why not? Misa's cool."

Okay, yes, Misa was cool. Gelus could admit that he'd had a crush on her when she'd first transferred in, just like everyone else and their father did, but it had gone away with time after he'd gotten to know her better and also gotten on antidepressants. These days she was just a person. A very overdramatic person, to be sure, but still.

Rem, on the other hand, had fallen progressively more head-over-heels as time went on. Which was fine. But every time he saw Rem do something ridiculously romantic like kiss each of Misa's knuckles as 'rewards' while teaching her math homework, and every time Misa completely ignored this to go after her clearly uninterested boyfriend again, Gelus felt like flushing all his meds down the toilet.

"If Misa sits with us we'll have to sit with Light Yagami."

Ryuk shrugged. "Could be fun. What's he like?"

"I have no idea," Gelus said. "But look at him. Does he look like the fun type to you?"

"Mmm, I don't know," Ryuk mused. "Maybe if I got him stimulants."

"Ladies and gentlemen." Principal Kitamura's voice crackled through the speakers of the auditorium. "Welcome back to a new school year. I couldn't be more glad you're all here…"

Gelus glanced pointedly at the double-space Ryuk was taking up. Ryuk paid no mind and stared up at the ceiling instead, crunching more apple chips.

The teachers didn't notice. They never had.

[bl4z33467]

Ahem, so here, yes here, is my INSANE LORE for vulpes in my stupid little universe.

So the year is 2259. A young laddie is born in utah. He was found by a legionary scout and brought to the legion. For reasons i have not yet decided, ceaser decided this child, named Vulpes Inculta, would be raised as the protege to the legion, aka his replacement. For the moment this was decided, Vulpes was schooled and trained every day. Since the plan was to be the leader of the legion, there was a greater emphasis on learning from the books rather than fighting. He had classes on english and latin, learned hundreds of battle strategies, wars from all across history, diplomacy and of course, leading a faction. Vulpes LOVED this. He found it fascinating and empowering. On the other hand, when he was meant to train in the art of the fight, he was... less than enthusiastic. He was terrible with the sword, pitiful punching skills, his aim was terrible with guns and he nearly blew up himself with explosives many times. It was looking hopeless. Around age 8 they decided to focus more on the learning rather than training, for the kids sake. (If you lift up his shirt you'll find alot of scars from sword slashes) This constant sitting and reading, writing and studying did not do well to the kid's physical health. (Also for everyone's sake i think childhood obesity is bad but like its part of the lore). The legion noticed this and decided that they should try again. They decided that his intelligence must be nature, so another vulpes that was trained for fighting would be the ultimate threat and leader. Some legionaries had found an empty vault from eastern idaho that's experiment called for cloning the original dwellers for each generation rather than typical reproduction. They secretly took Vulpes's DNA and the cloning technology to grow a baby boy, ten years after vulpes was born. This was all done without vulpes' knowledge. When this baby was born, a large ceremony was held. Vulpes was given a knew name, Vulpes Altilis Inculta, and this baby was named Vulpes Novos Inculta. There was celebration with the new vulpes. It was all about Novos. Altilis knew what Novos ment. The New Vulpes. Literally. Altilis had sorta forgetten what his name meant, so he'd have to look that up later. Altilis at the time didn't mind too much. Having a younger brother seemed pretty cool. When he had off, he often would hang out with his little bro. Eventually, Novos was old enough to start training for battle. When he was 4, he began training endurance running, and by age six, he was full on sword fighting with the legion trainers. His aim, immaculate, his ability with the sword, like nothing they had seen before. Unfortunately, the legion had sort have forgotten to teach him. He spoke only basic latin, reading was strenuous, and his suaveness with speech was lacking. The legion, after two times, failed to see that many traits are nurture over nature. They have created an amazing athlete who's as dumb as a brick, and a war strategist genius who can't walk up the stairs without taking a break to catch his breath.

Novos though, was still beloved by the legion more than Altilis. They found his feats of might empowering. Ceaser saw this and used him to boost morale of the legion. The better Novos got, the more Altilis was pushed to the wayside.

On altilis's 18th birthday, he was extremely excited to celebrate his coming to adulthood. In previous years, His birthdays where large celebrations, drawing nearly every legionary to celebrate the protege growing up. This year though, no one really noticed. The day came and went. A few birthday wishes from some people he talked too, but otherwise, no one really cared. Furious, he returned to his study, enraged. "Its all because of HIM. NOVOS. The NEW desert fox. What does Atilis even mean??" He pulled one of his latin dictionaries down and began searching for this word until- he finds it. He reads the english translation in horror. "They named me.. fat??? Pampered?? How DARE THEY?!? Is that all i am to them?? Some spoiled brat?? Just because i cant fight well- or any athleticism well- doesn't mean thats all that defines me!!" He flips through, looking for other words that would fit him better "Lacertosus, vinnulus, primum, primigenius, melius, SOLUM!! These! These are the names i deserve! What should have been!" He pouts to himself. He was a failure in there eyes. All because of his stupid clone. Novos was better than him in every way he thought.

On the flip side, Novos found Altilis to be the coolest thing since nuclear fission. He basically idolized him. He could often be found peaking in on what his brother was doing, hoping to pick up on just a sliver of his knowledge. He knew he was stupid, but was too embarrassed to speak up about it. He would often be shooed away but that didn't deter him from coming back. He had this deep desire to obsess over maps as he did, but could never figure them out. He always followed the commands Altilis gave when it came to battle, as he thought, "If Altilis thinks its right, it must be." And he was nearly every time. He loved his brother. He wanted to be like him, but not to replace him. Altilis though, saw his desire to be like him as a way to replace him. This wore down altilis. He had enough. He was old news, obviously. No one wants the uglier, fatter, spoiled, unathletic, outdated vulpes. The legion would be better off without him. Not just the legion, but the world. He was going to do it.

Its the night before his 28th birthday. He hikes his way to one of the mountain around The Fort and sits down and waits. He wields a pair of binoculars. He waits in only his shirt and undershorts, his robe, hood, skirt, pip boy, boots and socks removed. He periodically takes his binoculars to see if anyone is looking for him. He decides if no one would come to him before his 28th birthday was over, he would finish the job. The day goes on, and ends. The moon begins to rise as the sky darkens. Altilis feels at peace, incredibly sad, but at peace. He takes one last look around and spots a single torch wandering, seemingly getting closer. He reaches for his pip boy, taking note there was still a few more hours left in the day. After about two hours, he hears footsteps behind him. He doesn't bother to look. The mysterious person sits down next to him.

"Ive been looking for you, Altilis."

...

"I missed you today. I was worried about you. I asked around everywhere for you and no one said they had seen you since yesterday. One person told me they saw you leaving the fort, so i came looking"

...

Novos pushes a book over to Altilis.

"I got you this, happy 28th, Altilis."

Altilis takes the book. He's unable to read what it is in the night.

"Its about Canids. I know you like foxes and coyotes and all those creatures from before the war"

Altilis's voice is noticeably strained. Horse form not drinking all day and not speaking, and pained from his depression

"You remembered?"

"Of course I did. I mean you wear your coyote every day"

"No, that today was my birthday"

"Well... yeah. You are my brother. "

"No one else remembered. No one else cares."

"Don't say that! im sure the rest of the legion cares."

"The don't care like they used to. Im nothing to them now. Ever since you came. They like you better than me."

Novos pauses for a bit. He sounds noticeably saddened, as if holding back tears.

"Is that why you're up here?"

"No one would have noticed I was gone. No one would have cared. I could just walk of the edge here and no one would notice."

Novos pauses again

"I wouldn't be able to go on if you were gone"

...

"You're everything to me, Altilis. You're the coolest brother i could ever ask for. I know you dont like me as much, but i seriously dont know what i would do without you. I wouldn't be half the man i am without you."

Theres a silence for a bit, eventually a soft cry is heard.

"Altilis?"

Altilis is choking up between sniffles as he speaks.

"I have been purposely a jerk for you for so long, why on earth do you like me so much?"

"Well..." novos ponders, "...you're smarter than ill ever be, thats for sure. You seem to have it all together. I see know though that you dont, but at least you can present yourself as put together. Me? Im always a mess."

"You were made to replace me, Novos. I'm not good enough for the legion. They want you, not me. No matter what I will do, you will always be better than me. You are what could have been me. Im just a walking, rejected garbage. Im worthless"

Novos strains in thought, not knowing what to do, as his intelligence is quite low. He does know one thing. He reaches over to his clone and embraces him in a hug.

"Never leave. Never. You are so special and talented. You dont need to be me and i dont need to be you."

Altilis lets his emotions get the best of him and just lets it all out. After a while, novos guides his brother down the mountain safely and back to the fort. The gained new respect to each, especially Altilis to Novos. They know frequently work together and Altilis whiling shares his interests work and other activities with his brother.

[wolfxplush]

draw jimmy hopkins beating max up

I wrote a Max boss fight scene you did this. /j one shot and art under cut!!

The sky was a dark, brooding gray, with a storm looming on the horizon, but Jimmy barely noticed. His breath came in ragged gasps as he sprinted up the final flight of stairs, the sound of rain beginning to pelt the rooftop growing louder in his ears. The air was thick with the scent of smoke as gasoline. His fists were clenched tight, knuckles white from fury. This had gone too far.

Max was up there.

As Jimmy burst through the rooftop door, the first thing he saw was the wild blaze Max had already started—flames licking at the school’s edge, growing dangerously large in the gusting wind. Max stood at the rooftop's far edge, his back turned, a crazed grin on his face as he waved a torch high over his head.

"MAX!" Jimmy roared, his voice breaking through the cacophony of the oncoming storm.

Max turned, slowly, as though savoring the moment. His eyes glinted with malice, reflecting the flames. "Jimmy," he sneered, "you’re too late. The fire’s already started. This place is going down, and no one’s gonna stop me! Gary is going to be so proud!” A manic laugh escaped his slurred lips.

"You’re out of your mind!" Jimmy shouted, already barreling forward, fists raised. His feet pounded against the wet surface, slipping slightly with every step, but he never lost focus. He might have hated bullsworth but he’ll even HE wouldn’t take it this far. That rat Gary smith dug into the weirdo preps head.

Max laughed—a cold, biting sound. "It’s what they deserve, Jimmy! What we all deserve. This place... ruined us!" He flicked the torch, letting the flames dance dangerously close to a new corner of the roof. “Gary has the right idea! If he can’t run the school then no one can!” Spit flew out his mouth as he spoke, mixing in with the incoming raindrops that began to sprinkle down. He clicked the lighter on, watching it lick the air it’s been exposed to.

Jimmy was on him in an instant, slamming into Max’s side with the force of a battering ram. The torch clattered to the ground as Max was sent sprawling, sliding across the rain-slicked surface.

But Max was quick, too quick. He rolled to his feet, fists raised, wild eyes locked on Jimmy. "You think you can stop me, huh? You think you can play hero?! You, Hopkins have been nothing but trouble since you have got here! You have ruined everything!”

Jimmy didn’t answer—he simply charged again. This time, Max met him head-on. Their fists collided in a brutal flurry, each hit sending shockwaves through their bodies. Max's punches were wild, erratic, driven by madness. No wonder derby prevented from boxing again. Jimmy’s were sharp, precise, driven by raw fury.

For every punch Jimmy landed, Max retaliated with a vicious blow of his own. It was like fighting a wild animal. Max’s eyes were bloodshot, his breath ragged, and his grin never left his face. A sick expression of joy in his features.

Jimmy ducked a swing and drove his fist into Max's gut. Max doubled over, gasping, but he swung out blindly, catching Jimmy across the face. Jimmy stumbled back, tasting blood, but he couldn’t stop. Not now.

Max, coughing, staggered toward the edge of the roof again. "You can’t stop it, Jimmy!" he wheezed, reaching for another torch. "I’ll burn it all!"

"Like hell!" Jimmy growled, wiping blood from his mouth. He rushed Max once more, tackling him to the ground. They rolled, fists flying, until they reached the edge, the flames inches away from swallowing them both.

Jimmy twisted Max’s arm, forcing him to drop the lighter again, but Max was relentless. He kicked Jimmy off him, scrambling to his feet and diving for another canister of fuel. Just as Max was about to hurl the contents onto the fire, Jimmy tackled him from behind, slamming him hard into the ground. The canister went skittering across the roof, spilling harmlessly away from the flames.

Max screamed in rage, thrashing wildly, but Jimmy had him this time. He wrenched Max's arm behind his back, pinning him down as the rain poured harder, slowly drowning out the fires Max had started.

"Stop it, Max! It’s over!" Jimmy shouted, his voice barely audible over the storm. The rain was coming down in torrents now, drenching them both, steam rising from the dying flames.

Max groaned, his breath ragged, his face a mask of blood and bruises. "No..no..I failed I failed him..” panic shook in his tone. His pupils vibrating as his teeth clattered.

Jimmy tightened his grip, keeping Max’s arm twisted behind his back. "This isn’t the way. You don’t get to decide who pays! That freak Gary has gotten in your head. It’s over. “ Jimmy managed out through heavy breaths.

The fight drained out of Max. His body went limp under Jimmy’s weight. Blood pooling out his nose mixing into the puddle of saliva drooling out of him. “I’m…sorry…Gary…”

Max has passed out!

+$50.00

[adrealucia]

hii ! ive been obsessing over sean diaz for years and you might have a lot of requests from me soooo, I was wondering if you could do sean diaz (pre-accident) hard on crushing on reader who's like the popular kid who usually doesnt really notice him until he gets their number and turns out reader is actually funny and pretty nice despite popular beliefs :))

ah i have been dying to write this request ever since i got it, this idea is just really cute and i could totally see this being canon !!! I hope you like it

Popular Misconceptions

Sean Diaz glanced across the cafeteria, his eyes locking onto the table where you sat, surrounded by a group of friends. You, the popular girl, laughed and chatted animatedly, effortlessly commanding the attention of everyone around you. Sean couldn't help but feel a pang of envy mixed with curiosity. He had always admired you from afar, never quite daring to believe he could be part of your world.

"Hey, Sean, you zoning out again?" Lyla's voice broke through his thoughts, and he turned back to his best friend.

"Yeah, sorry," he mumbled, taking a bite of his sandwich. "Just thinking."

Lyla followed his gaze and raised an eyebrow. "Thinking about her, huh?"

Sean blushed, looking down at his tray. "I mean, she's... interesting."

"Interesting, huh?" Lyla smirked. "Well, why don't you go talk to her? She's not as unapproachable as you think."

Sean shook his head. "Yeah, right. Like she'd even notice me."

"Hey, you'd be surprised. She's in your art class, right? You've got a reason to talk to her."

Sean sighed. "Maybe."

Later that day, Sean found himself in the art room, his sanctuary. He was sketching absentmindedly, lost in the details of his drawing, when he heard footsteps approaching. Looking up, he was surprised to see you standing there, a friendly smile on your face.

"Hey, Sean, right?" you asked, your voice breaking the quiet hum of the room.

Sean's heart skipped a beat. "Uh, yeah. Hi."

You held out your phone. "I was wondering if you could help me with this art project. I heard you're really good."

"Sure," Sean replied, trying to keep his voice steady. "What do you need?"

You sat down next to him, placing your sketchbook on the table. "I need some advice on shading. I can never get it to look right."

Sean glanced at your work and immediately saw the potential. "You're actually really good. Just need a few tweaks here and there."

You smiled, a genuine warmth in your eyes. "Thanks, that means a lot coming from you."

As you both worked on your projects, Sean found himself relaxing. You were genuinely nice, and as you started talking more, he discovered you had a great sense of humor. You cracked jokes and shared stories, making him laugh more than he had in a long time.

"Did you hear about Mr. Johnson's car getting covered in post-it notes?" you asked, giggling.

Sean chuckled. "Yeah, I saw it. Who even has the patience for that?"

You shrugged, grinning. "Probably someone with a lot of time and a lot of post-it notes."

Sean found himself enjoying your company more than he expected. Over the next few weeks, you and Sean grew closer. You'd text each other about everything and nothing, your conversations filled with banter and mutual interests. Sean realized how wrong he'd been about you. Despite your popularity, you were down-to-earth and kind, breaking every stereotype he'd had.

One afternoon, you both sat under a tree in the school courtyard, enjoying the rare sunny day. You were telling a particularly funny story about a recent party, and Sean couldn't stop laughing.

"See? You're not just some quiet artist," you teased, nudging him playfully. "You're actually fun to be around."

Sean's cheeks flushed. "Thanks. You're pretty cool too. I never thought I'd get to know the real you."

You leaned back against the tree, looking thoughtful. "You know, people always assume things about me because I'm 'popular.' But I get tired of all the pretending sometimes. With you, I can just be myself."

Sean's heart swelled at your words. "I'm glad. I like getting to know the real you."

You smiled, a genuine warmth in your eyes. "Well, I'm glad you did. And for the record, I've always noticed you. It just took a while for our paths to cross."

Sean looked at you, surprised. "Really? I thought you were too busy with your friends and... well, everything."

You laughed softly. "Appearances can be deceiving. I've seen your art in the hallways. You're really talented. And you've always seemed like a nice guy."

Sean's heart swelled with happiness. "Thanks. That means a lot."

"Hey, anytime," you said, nudging him gently. "So, you want to hang out more? Outside of art projects, I mean."

Sean's eyes lit up. "I'd like that. A lot."

As the sun set, casting a warm glow over the courtyard, Sean realized that maybe, just maybe, this crush wasn't so impossible after all.

[thatfreshi]

"Unlucky Draw" (Uni AU p. 15)

There's finally some fluff guys!!!!!!!!!

tw - anxiety, discussion of weed

Since Halsin's little break-up escapade happened, you actually do get the chance to see Astarion later that night. As of recent, he's been throwing himself into his thesis project more and more, to the point where most of your time hanging is spent with him looking through books and asking 'do you think this sounds right?'

"You know you can take a break, right?"

"I could, you're right, but then I'd just be wasting time. And I'm not allotted much time to work on this."

The two of you are comfortably sprawled across his mattress, like teenagers at a sleepover. You roll over and shut his laptop.

"C'mon, you've been staring at that paper for like two hours."

"And what else should I do, my darling Tav? Maybe stare at the ceiling in silence? Or scroll mindlessly on my phone until I don't feel like moving anymore?"

"Ugh, no! I don't know, take a coffee break. You're probably not going to sleep anyways."

Your best friend almost looks peaceful like this, wrapped in a cozy sweater and sweatpants, always wearing long socks because he gets cold too easily. You find yourself lingering on the thought longer than normal, wishing he could feel that comfortable warmth all the time, wondering it might be like to share in it.

"Tav, are you listening? God, maybe we should just stare at the ceiling in silence."

"Sorry, just spacing out. What were you saying?"

"I was saying, how I should probably cut back on the caffeine."

"Really? Astarion Barista Ancunín, are you turning your back on your beloved espresso machine?"

"Look, I'm not happy about it, but I've been far too anxious as of late. My nerves are on fire constantly, jumping at every little noise I hear. It's irritating, to say the least."

"I thought being caffeinated was how you dealt with the insomnia though?"

"Oh it very much is, which will become a problem soon enough, but I just can't be this nervous constantly."

It's something that you've definitely noticed, how quiet and fidgety he's become recently.

"You considered smoking weed? I know Gale says it helps him zen out, especially when it comes to art stuff."

"Nope, makes me paranoid."

"Damn, unlucky draw I guess."

"You're telling me. I smoked one time back in high school, couldn't sleep for hours, kept thinking someone was out to get me or something."

You start to get lost in the peace of the moment again, the fact that you're able to talk about shit that doesn't matter, how the light from the bedside lamp hits his eyes just right...

"Are you alright? You seem, out of it."

"Sorry, just thinking about what Halsin said to me."

"I can't believe he just broke things off like that, without a reason."

You swallow hard.

"He, he said it's because he thinks you like me? And that he doesn't want to get in the way of that?"

There's silence for a moment, that you jump to fill.

"But that's not true right? We're just friends, I don't know where he would've gotten that idea from."

"Right, I don't know either... sounds like you dodged a bullet with him."

"Yeah, probably so."

God, has he always looked like this? Damn Halsin, damn all those things he said, damn Gale for even playing into it. You remind yourself that Astarion's right, that this doesn't need to get any more complicated than it already is, that he has enough on his plate.

"Now, am I allowed to go back to my thesis now? Or do I need to have more mandatory break time?"

You playfully sigh.

"I guess you can do productive things or whatever."

"Well, in that case would you like to come read what I have?"

"I'll look at it, but you have the cool narrator voice, you have to read it to be like a professional author."

He rolls his eyes, and you go to sit next to him, looking at the thousands of words he's typed at this point. Astarion starts to read it out loud, editing tiny things as he goes, forever a little perfectionist. After a while, the voice becomes too soothing, and you fall asleep there next to him, letting your head hit his shoulder.

"Tav?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees you knocked out, clearly exhausted. He doesn't stop reading though, worried if he does that he'll somehow ruin the sleep he's let you stumble into. So he spends the rest of the night rereading out loud and talking to himself, occasionally asking you things that you don't answer. After many hours pass, and the wee hours of the morning arrive, along with the clock turning to say five AM, he puts his laptop aside, and asks you one final question.

"Why do you insist on pulling my heartstrings the way you do?"

And it falls on your sleeping ears, never truly getting through.

[kxmikomrade]

🍁˖࿐ Artist! S/O - Isagi, Bachira, Reo, Sae

╰┈➤Hcs of them with an Artistic S/O!! Genre: Fluff and crack Gn!reader or Any gender Warnings: Swearing, Not proof read bcs im lazy, idk wat else but lmk if theres anything else Waiter's Note: OH LOOK WHO FINALLY PULLED THIS OUTTA THEIR DRAFTS AFTER A WHOLE ASS 5 MONTHS LMAOO I HOPE U GUYS ENJOY <33 Reqs Open as usual!! Masterlists

Now Playing: An Art Gallery Could Never Be As Unique As You

Very VERY VERYYYY fascinated on what you do, he thinks it's really cool

He canonly likes art too so let him join in!!

Draw him in any way like even a small doodle and he WILL COMBUST

He decorated his wall infront of his desk with your drawings and doodles, other things like custom keychains, origami, glass paintings are on his desk so he can see it everyday when he wakes up 🥹🥹

Study dates with you two often end up in drawing-cuddling sessions

Starting with studying so you can both pass your exams to you two beside eachother, legs tangled under the kotatsu table while you both lay on your stomachs, drawing whatever you felt like drawing 🫶

Let's just hope that you both pass your exams 😭😭

When you have art block or you feel stressed, he offers to take you out to a walk (yk he loves those esp with you)

It may seem kinda annoying at first but trust me, it does WONDERS

YOUR WORKS ARE DISPLAYED THROUGHOUT THE ISAGI HOUSEHOLD ✨

His parents like your creations too but they ALWAYS remind you whenever you come over that it's okay to take breaks and do other things 🥹💖

He's not rich by all means, but he's willing to spend his money to get you supplies u want

When he got the letter for blue lock, you both agreed to meet at a park at night and you talked things through, promising to work hard and improve while you both are separated

Whenever the topic of art or s/o comes in, he just ends up talking everyones ear off in blue lock and the question was just from a truth or dare game😭

Whether or not you got recognized for your art and got more commissions/promotions or quit art to start something new that interests you, he's supportive just as you are for him 🫶

HE LOVES ART, AND YOUR AN ARTIST?? MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN

Introduces you to his mom <33 you both share tips and tricks and now she's like your teacher ITS SO CUTE

But Meguru gets pretty pouty if you just sit there beside his mom talking about art related things all day 😭

If you let him lay down on your lap and give him occasional kisses then he'll be able to sit still for a while longer

You gave him a bee-themed soccer ball you painted once and he ALWAYS has it on his bed so he can fall asleep hugging it 🥹

He doesn't play with it tho, atleast not outdoors bcs he doesn't wanna ruin it 😭💖

Painting with him and his mom if she isn't busy!!

He always plays around and puts paint on your face, his mom scolds him for it LMAOO

Don't take him to art museums pls 😭😭 HAVE YOU SEEN HOW HE WAS IN THE LIGHT NOVEL?? you both would get in trouble just because he was bored 💀

BRAGS TO EVERYONE AND ANYONE IN BLUE LOCK ABOUT YOU THAT THEY LITERALLY KNOW YOU AND EVERY SINGLE ART PIECE YOU HAVE DONE BEFORE EVEN MEETING YOU OR SEEING THEM 💀💀😭

Has tried to eat paint before 🧍‍♂️Much worse if you paint food then bro might try it again 💀💀💀

You sit on a bench nearby and draw while he practices, it's relaxing, just watch out for the ball 😭💀

Oh boy

Id say for a FACT that you were broke until you started dating him unless you have really cheap materials or you're just really good at saving

Yk how art materials and art school is so ridiculously expensive?? Well, your LOVELY boyfriend here has it all covered

Mans literally already bought a whole art shop 💀

Its not like it's anything new *looks at art big art studio*

PLEASE get a frying pan and smack some sense into this man's head bcs he was just about to buy his way into getting your art showcased in an art gallery/convention

He might, MIGHT stop if you use his own words against him. Like the whole 'i want to carve my own future' thing

Lets be fr, he won't stop, the most he could do is stop bribing his way to get your art showcased

Bby supports you alot tho :((

He just admires how much effort you're able to put in each work

When art block kicks in, he'll take you to go to expensive art galleries or to wherever the Mona Lisa is currently being showcased at

Just drag him out and tell him u wanna learn soccer 😭 it's honestly more fun than roaming around an art gallery

Paint him with his parents and they'll already start planning your marriage 💀😭

Bro when collage comes along, then your tuition fees and apartment bills are already paid like??? I wonder how 🤔

PLS DRAW HIM AND SHOW HIM THAT THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO EXPRESS LOVE OTHER THAN MONEY SPENDING BCS HE'LL ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WITH ALL THE TIME, EFFORT AND SKILL YOU PUT IN

He DEFINITELY frames all the drawings/paintings you give him. No buts

Let's be fr, he probably has a room in his house filled with your creations 🧍‍♂️

I'm pretty sure that blue lock allows anything to be brought unless it's a phone or something (because they'll have to earn it back) so Reo brought this photo album/journal decorated by you and/or your drawings

AND YK THOSE MINI PRINTERS??? HE BROUGHT ONE TOO SO WHENEVER YOU SEND A NEW ARTWORK, HE PRINTS IT 😭😭

Talks Nagi's ear off every time 💀

Supportive bank in general 👍 jkjk pls don't use him just for money or I will come for your eyeballs 🤗

Sae is pretty chill compared to his hardcore emo brother like did you see that one panel where he wanted to go home in the middle of a game while applying lotion???

He doesn't seem like the type to check social media often too so I hc that he draws after practices when he gets home to cool down for the night yk

I can definitely see him drawing his favorite characters from Chibi Maruko-chan whenever he feels stressed or has a bad day because of his stupid teammates who play like headless chickens 🙄(his words not mine)

So like when YOU came in, it's like he's surrounded by comfort when you two draw in silence while listening to your shared playlist 🌼

drawing fanarts for him that you wanna show off to everyone since he's beautiful and he's even more beautiful in your artstyle <33

he doesnt know about it tho because thats too embarrassing

rin follows you on that account with his private acc LMAOOOOOO

LISTEN. IMAGINE DRAWING HIM WITH HIS YEE YEE LOOKIN ASS BANGS AND TEASING HIM ABOUT IT HAHAHSHAHA

you secretly sent one to Rin for funsies once and he sent you a pic of Sae when he was young back, now you both have this sketchy deal thing going on that Sae doesnt know SHIT about

dw tho, both your mouths are sealed because now you got Rin to approve of you

If you live with him abroad, then your apartment/house is FILLED with notes/drawings/sketches/paintings/origamis, etc. im not exaggerating at ALL.

Imagine those cute and decorated fridges but make it the ENTIRE house

You both just slap some sticky note on walls, tables, chairs, cabinets, shelves, counters and draw on it,and neither of you clean them up, you just leave it there 😭😭

it comes off when it comes off ig 🤷

If you dont live with him abroad, then you guys have a minecraft server you both share thats literally FILLED with builds. Somehow, Sae's RIDICULOUSLY fast at learning these things and now hes an architect 🧍‍♂️

Also those cooperative drawing websites/games?? yeah, you both have them OFTEN, like, every night other than when hes like SUPER tired

just stick to screenshoting him and drawing on his face

He buys you anything you need/want too and theres basically no stopping him 🤷🤷

Tagging: @inariezaki

[1341 words]

[kinetic-elaboration]

June 1: Daria/Jane, Winter Break

Hmmmmm, well. A continuation of this.

Daria/Jane, ~700 words, 23 minutes

Sap, sap, sap.

*

The Pizza King is full of high schoolers--a prime example of how they have changed, even though the world, or at least Lawndale, has stayed the same--so they agree that next time, they'll find somewhere else to eat. Over mushrooms and jalapenos, they reminisce about when they were that age, as if they were ages older. They don't talk about how, the night before, they'd accidentally kissed or what that means, and maybe if they don't discuss it, that means it isn't important at all.

If this had happened with anyone else, Jane would be the first person she'd tell.

They spend the afternoon together, stopping by all of the old haunts, feeling old. She notices all the new ways that Jane touches her now, things she'd taken for granted in a new location and feeling like a new self: how often Jane grabs her arm or nudges their shoulders together or even sometimes takes Daria's hand and squeezes it, if she wants to get her attention.

By the time they're back in their own neighborhood, early winter-dusk is starting to fall. The grass is cracked with frost that never melted. Daria has her hands deep in her pockets, her fingers much too cold. Jane seems reluctant to go back to her own place, but still declines an invitation to dinner. "But I'll see you tomorrow," she says. It's not even a question.

When she leans in, she doesn't press a kiss to Daria's cheek, like she usually does, but aims right for her mouth and doesn't miss. Daria kisses back. But it's only a moment. Feels not unlike the other kisses did: like just something they do now, an extension of three and a half years of friendship, of whatever this bond is between them she's long stopped trying to name. The gesture is affectionate, warm. Jane smiles at her after, before she turns around and walks down the drive again.

The next day is frigid by Lawndale standards and the snow flurries look like something that might almost stick. They hang out in Jane's old bedroom because it's where her easel is. But the house feels different now--emptier--even some of Jane's art is gone from the walls, because she took her favorite stuff with her, and it's up in her dorm room in Boston making that place look like home.

They talk about the Trent situation and Daria watches Jane paint and doesn't pretend to do anything else, because it's winter break and she's tired and lazy and this is the only thing she wants to do in the world. When Jane hits a snag, needs a break, she lies down too, on the other side of the bed. They're face to face and staring at each other.

"Jesse would probably move up to Boston with him," Jane says, very quiet and serious, grinding down the unsaid into actual words. "Max would say he would, then chicken out. Nick won't leave his kid."

"So no more Mystik Spiral." It feels heady to say, like vertigo. "Or they could take the whole family."

"Nick and his kid and his ex?" Jane raises an eyebrow.

"Mass exodus."

"I guess anything's possible."

Or it's just the end of an era. Or change is good for people, sometimes.

Jane reaches out and tugs on the lapel of Daria's jacket, like she's trying to straighten it. She doesn't wear it as often up at school--sometimes, but she doesn't need it like she used to. Jane shifts a little closer, and Daria twists the cords hanging down from the hoodie of Jane's sweatshirt idly around her fingers. Her heart's pounding maybe a little too hard, but it's just Jane, so she knows the feeling in her chest isn't nerves.

Jane shifts closer then and somehow they end up curled together, Daria holding her, until fairly soon Jane has fallen asleep. This has happened before, more than once, up in Boston. A part of her wonders why it never happened when they were still in high school.

Daria leaves not long before dinner, and only because her parents are expecting her. At the door to Jane's room, they both linger a long moment; Daria is thinking idly about how their fingers are entwined. Jane's goodbye kiss is on the mouth again. Maybe it lingers. And afterward, she squeezes Daria's hand before she lets go.

[phoenixwrites]

How do you keep yourself from feeling down about your haters/anti your ships?

There’s these (literally) 5 girls who think they’re the queens of my current small fandom and their hate is starting to get to me even though I try to let it roll off my back.

How do you do it, Phoenix?🥺 How do you keep the Plastics from ruining your fandoms and ships?

Oh goodness, Sass, I'm so sorry. I've been in my fair share of fandom dramas (the worst being last summer) and it's never an easy thing to deal with.

I want to gently correct you, though. The hate DOES get to me. Last summer, there were anons in my inbox telling me I deserved to be sexually assaulted as a child because I support dark fic writers. There were anons calling me a pedophile. There is a 600 note reblog going around the Stranger Things fandom claiming I was a pedophile. I was suicidal at that point, because it was triggering as hell.

But at the same time, I refused to give up MY tumblr space because of bullies. This is my blog. I've had it since 2011, it has been a space of freeverse, of gossip, of art, and of joy. I will not change that for the satisfaction of a few teenagers who think TikTok is activism.

I got through it a few ways.

Turn off anons. I am a stubborn bitch and I only turned my anon off once during that period, right after someone told me I deserved being assaulted at seven years old. I turned it off for one night then turned it right back on, because I hated limiting access to my lovely anons because of bullies--same reason I haven't privatized my AO3 account, even though AI very likely will steal my work. I hate the thought of some anon who reads my fics for comfort being denied access to them. But that's my thing. Turning off anon is the best way to shut off their power to hurt you. If you don't want to turn off anon, delete their messages. I am CHOOSY about which anons I answer. They are reaching out to me, on MY blog, it's my decision whether I deign to answer them or not. If I'm in the right mood for it, I might be trolly and snarky. If they're sweet, I love to hear from them. But I delete just as many as I answer.

Get off the internet. The internet is my space where I can zone out and do whatever I want. Sometimes that means watching a carefully curated selection of TV shows while writing fanfic. Sometimes it means doing TV show meta. Sometimes it's just goofing off. But the internet is chocolate, it's a lovely sweet treat. But if you have nothing but chocolate, you will get sick. Take walks. Go outside. Forget online drama (it's never that serious), enjoy your offline friends, snuggle your furry friends, go out for a cup of coffee and read a book.

Curate your experience. If you see someone with an absolutely RANCID take--like how Eddie wasn't flirting outrageously with Chrissy (sure jan) or Neal was a rapist, whatever. Don't engage, don't comment, don't reblog. BLOCK THOSE BITCHES. Block the people who make you feel weird. Block someone who used to be in your fandom but has moved onto reblogging something that annoys you. Block, block, block. Or use tumblr savior assiduously. When it was really bad in Hellcheer land, I watched Smallville and blogged about it until I felt ready to play in Hellcheer again.

At the end of last summer, the hate started dying off for a couple of reasons.

One, school was starting (yes, I do believe the majority of these bitchy anons are bored children, they ALWAYS have an uptick during school breaks).

Two, I got a book deal. I was too thrilled with my success and though they tried to threaten me, it didn't have much of a sting. My publisher and agent don't give a shit about the latest fandom drama. My editor LOVES horror and darklit.

Three, I fell in love. I have an incredibly wonderful partner who is a writer too (for television! I used to write fanfic for a show he worked on! :D). Autumn was an incredibly wonderful season of joy for me (minus my then-work troubles) which bled into a romantic winter, a challenging spring, and now it's becoming a lovely summer.

I had a bunch of lovely things happen to me that made me realize that the internet is actually quite small. It doesn't matter if STEDDIELOVER69 hates me or believes I'm a pedophile. What matters is that there are plenty of other folks who love reading my work, who like hearing my thoughts, who enjoy my VQ gossip, and those are the people I want to engage with.

Those folks don't know you and the joy you experience every day. Keep that joy close to your heart, as closely as they keep their own bitterness and cruelty.

You'll be all right, love. I promise it gets better.

[simulation-machine]

SIMS RELATED PROJECTS/UPDATES

My spring break is coming up in a week and holy crap do I have plans on plans on plans, especially since my summer is gonna be full of school + internship + HOPEFULLY friggin' graduating with a BA in Psychology so that I can start applying to grad schools.

Read more iffin' you'd like! It's long! Here's a picture of my golden retriever napping on her brother's food bowl to entice/entertain you:

god she is so precious i would literally kill for her

GOAL 1: MASTER GSHADE/ReSHADE

I know that some people are sticklers for this but my thing is that I had no gee-dee clue what I was doing with ReShade, whereas Gshade just kinda clicked and worked for me? That said I have a bunch of resources for learning ReShade so I might end up moving back to it at some point.

My main issue is figuring out the order of all the different effects. It obviously matters, I'm sure people smarter than me have tried to use presets only to be like "why tf does this look absolutely nothing like the baller screenshots this one cool Simblr has?" Annnd it turns out it's order + remembering to turn off certain graphic settings. Also photoshop, but that's gonna take a lot longer for me to figure out lol.

Like I'd been struggling to figure out why @gunthermunch's gorgeous Lithium preset wasn't looking as sexy as it did before annnnd it's because I forgot to turn Edge Smoothing off when switching to it. Jesus wept at how dippy I am sometimes.

Eventually, what I would like to do is maybe make my own preset at some point? I would be kind enough to show the effect order too if I did so. But this requires so, so much more shader knowledge than I currently have.

FUN FACT: My first ever degree was in art, I even went to a very fancy and private art school (School of the Art Institute of Chicago if you're curious)- I dropped out after one semester because uhhh that shit is expensive. Ended up finishing my degree at a much cheaper location in MN. That said, my art was 100% analog and 2D, and it turns out it did not translate super well into trying my hand at graphic art.

It's funny because I've been gifted really neat stuff for graphic art (like a really nice Wacom tablet and Adobe subscriptions), like people just expected my mixed-media ass would know what to do with it. NOPE! But yeah, Sims is sort of my excuse to try my hand at this stuff again, especially since I have a bit more energy now that my soul is not regularly being drained out of my body by customer service and tech support jobs.

GOAL 2: GET CRACKIN' ON ANOTHER DOOR

This one is hard because I am only on Gen 2 of the Orsons and it's sort of hard to justify starting up another story while that one is less than 1/5 of the way done.

THAT SAID, I don't plan on posting Another Door until I have a decent chunk of it done. Since it's not a casual gameplay story nor a legacy challenge, I plan on editing the bajeez out of the screenshots for it, really honing in on the aesthetic. I want it to look and feel very different from my random legacy challenge.

Fortunately, this story has been fucking up my sleep schedule for *months* now and I have a lot of the writing for it done. The hard part is translating that into the Sims, making sure I get the right poses and stuff, maybe even learning how to make some super easy CC (like, posters and stuff), and stuff related to GOAL 1 above.

What I'm saying is that it's going to take a bit. But I'm super serious about sharing it because it's my obsession and honestly the first time a story of my own design has possessed me in literal years.

Also, I want to make sure I have a significant backlog of the Orsons before I start seriously simming for it, because I don't want to screw over my favorite little pixel babies. This legacy challenge is going to be the one, I have done so much to keep my save files to keep it safe from harm (ask me how many backups I have of the save files. JK don't, the number is frankly silly).

GOAL 3: START YET ANOTHER MASSIVE CC PURGE

Y'all, my CC folder for this game is honestly an embarrassment. I go so hard on CC shopping because this community is stupid-talented and I like giving my pixel babies nice things and cool looks. When I'm bored and not quite in the mood for gameplay, I just like making neat-looking sims that I do absolutely nothing with because I love fucking around in CAS.

I have built my own PCs since I was 17 years old, and when I first built COMPUTERMACHINE (current rig) back in the autumn of 2018, it was with the goal that it would run Sims 4 flawlessly no matter what I did to it. It's got ridiculous amounts of RAM, I religiously update parts for it. And to be fair, even with the current 6,907,907,890 TB of CC I have atm it runs better than Sims 3 ever had with a measly 50 GB of CC.

But for me, it comes down to finding all the stuff I wanna use. Making myself get rid of the stuff I don't wanna use. Straight up yeeting the CC that I thought was going to look incredible that uh, didn't deliver.

I do CAS CC purges about once a year but have literally never done it for Build & Buy stuff, because OMG some of this shit I've had since 2014. Like when Sims 4 first came out. YIKES. My CAS CC obsession is notable but it's honestly nothing compared to my Build & Buy. Even before For Rent made building lots slow af, my PC was starting to take a solid minute to switch to different buy categories.

It would take a long af time so I want to make sure I have a bunch of content in the queue before I do it. It's gonna be a whole ass thing and be so, so boring to do. So I'm putting it off for when I have a ton of time to do it. Like, oh, my entire Spring Break?

GOAL 4: MAKE A FRIGGIN' RESOURCES LIST ALREADY

This would obviously need to wait until after GOAL 3 is completed, but I wanna make sure the awesome creators whose stuff I use get credit, and that people know where they can grab neat stuff. It would include not only CC but mods, Gshade/ReShade presets, and maybe even lots and sims I've downloaded from the gallery?

(Since I am super anti-paywall and very unapologetic and rude about it, I will also share where one could perhaps get some of these CCs without paying some dip a Trenta Starbucks Unicorn Frappucino amount of $$$)

It's ambitious as hell because *gestures vaguely at GOAL 3* but it would make things like doing WCIF asks and lookbooks so much easier.

Somewhat relatedly, I wanna make a navigation post, especially once Another Door starts getting posted. That story is gonna be a bit huge with multiple arcs that take place over the course of like, 14 years. Plus once the Orsons get to the 4th+ generation, it would be easier to track things down.

IN CONCLUSION...

I have been having so much fun sharing my silly little Sim adventures on Tumblr, so much more than I ever thought I would! You all have been so great to me, and all of this stuff is sort of a way for me to repay that. Ever since I stopped being able to be artistically creative ever since a really nasty depressive spell in 2017, Sims has been my #1 artistic outlet. And having people who are even somewhat entertained by my pixels is incredibly motivating.

Basically, if you read all of this, DAMN would you have been a rad livejournal follower of mine circa 2007. On the seriousness, however, thank you all so much for being rad and encouraging and sweet. I promise to do you all, if not proud, then at the very least not disappointed.

Time to hit the bong and take some pictures of Lou and Tatertot before taking my IRL doggos on a walk~