#i might just info dump or make silly videos with friends or something

[ghxstkn1fe]

i might start making shitty little youtube videos again. maybe. i live in a dorm with verrrrry thin walls but if i’m silly with it i just might make it work.

[keefwho]

May 30 - 2024 Thursday

10:36pm

5/10

Last night I recorded a good morning voice message for DS because I felt like it. Doing small little things like that is important for me because usually I'd refrain in case its too silly or something. My prompt yesterday was "let your voice be heard" and I did, literally. Its a very small thing but the intent behind it is large.

This morning I took the dogs out and showered. I made a frozen breakfast sandwich for lunch but I cut up my own onions for it and applied some hot sauce. Usually I'd eat something with it to help it agree with my tummy but I figured I could without because I wanted to eat small meals today since I've been up a couple pounds. My body handled it okay it seems. I had watched a sorta beginner art course video that explained using large areas and then using ovals to define planes easily which is exactly what i've been doing on my own.

To warm up today, I filled in all the little space left on my sketch sheet with rough gestures. Then I finished a YCH edit, did a YCH for 57, and readied a couple commissions for next month.

After work I spent time before lunch contacting people, doing some chores, and tending to my patreon. It was a very productive hour. For lunch I made soup and a grilled cheese. I gave myself ample time to chill and take a break since I actually felt like I earned it. Unfortunately I didn't know what I wanted to chill with so I watched an unsatisfying stream. The guy I like watching lately has starting playing CS:GO and similar games which actually melt my brain to watch. It's soooooo boring.

I finished this Celestia AI redraw I was working on this afternoon and worked on this Zelda drawing I had on the backburner. I asked TK if she wanted to call but she wasn't up for it today so I joined BR's server vc even though it was empty. I really needed to socialize because so few people have been around lately in general. BT joined but he's kinda weird and info dumps about stuff. Also nearly pulled me into the drama he's in surrounding other server members that I know nothing about. I also worked on my pony avatar for an hour.

After work I left the VC to play Cities Skylines. I got a couple new mods that might be crashing the game so I think I'll remove them. Admittedly I barely planned on using them. I asked DS if she wanted to chill and we did. I played Cities for a bit until it crashed, trying to relax and just have fun instead of making it feel like a chore or exercise. I realize I should be opening google earth and looking up locations for inspiration. It usually makes it very fun but feels like "cheating" as stupid as that sounds. Its the kind of mindset I want to let go of for any game I play. Its just a GAME I am PLAYing. Anyways she put on the 4 current episodes of season 2 of Smiling Friends which was a blast. Then we watched highlights of Oneyplays roasting the Nostalgia Critic and I suggested we watch a video of his so I have better context of who he actually is. I've always heard about him but never watched him. Then we did our puzzles before she headed off to bed since she has to wake up extra early tomorrow. I looked back on our evening feeling bad that I was so mellow and uninteresting. Its because I don't have anything on my mind to talk about lately with anyone really. Like I haven't taken in any new information to use. Its also possible I'm not treating myself with enough respect to speak my mind. Maybe I'm just thinking about things I don't think are worth sharing. Or maybe it's okay to have nothing on my mind really so I can just enjoy whatever is happening.

I tried playing some Roblox but my internet was cutting out like 1 out of every 3 minutes. I joined BR's server where they were watching the old ninja turtles movie which they still are as I write this.

My parents got home today so I don't have to tend to the dogs anymore. I did very good work today which I'm proud of, I have no regrets about my work ethic today. I just hope I can get out of this social rut, I don't feel like Im building relationships at all.

[princeanxious]

“Egg-celent” TSS- Patceit

Warnings: Aphobia, sympathetic deceit

I was requested to write this prompt with anyship, i gave it a shot xD , all errors are mine, and i hope ya’ll like it bc it’s almost 1 am for me.

Prompt: “You’re famous and I jokingly left a comment on your social media post asking if you’ll go egg my ex-partner’s house with me this weekend, and I never actually expected you to respond, let alone show up Friday night with dark sweatshirts, toilet paper rolls, and three egg cartons tucked under your arm” AU

Prior/extra info: Patceit AU where Patton is Famous(and has a youtube and uses it for good) and just moved into Dimitri’s hometown, and Dimitri is also a youtuber but a much smaller one, known for amazing stage/costume makeup artistry and the peculiar way that one side of his face is covered in freckles and the fact that his eyes have heterochromia. Patton is also really tall(6’4) and Dimitri is really short(5’2).

———

‘Hey, /PatPuffballSanders, wanna help me go egg my ex’s house this weekend? I’d bet it’d be sp-egg-tacular.’

-posted at 10:23 pm, by /BoopDiSnek

The short makeup artist hadn’t expected things to escalate this far, and well, in all honesty, he hadn’t expected anything to happen at all. Perhaps it was the fact that Patton Sanders was famous, known well for his pretty voice, sneaky puns, dad humor, and growing popularity as a voice actor.

He was a ray of sunshine, and readily used that talent on every social platform he could to make people smile, but primarily on Youtube. The tall puppy of a man had a pun of the day, animal shelter promo of the week, and a monthly charity stream where he’d invite his friends and other youtubers of all kinds to play games and skits and challenges to raise money for all sorts of causes.

The puffball has a moral streak a mile wide, and has a segment for ‘Dad Chats’ in his videos with his viewers about how they should choose go about certain issues, and how their choices and feelings would affect their decisions, among other topics. He wasn’t good at words, but he tries to be the best influence he can, and that much was evident in any of his videos.

Perhaps it was the fact that Dimitri was still heartbroken, his boyfriend dumping him a week ago for someone else after a year and a half of dating. All because he was a ‘killjoy’ for not feeling sexually attracted to the man. It wasn’t even that Dimitri didn’t want it, he just hadn’t felt any of the sort towards his ex yet and didn’t feel the need to fake an act. It hadn’t sat well with his ex-boyfriends ego, apparently, as was evident in their last fight leading towards their breakup.

The words ‘freak’ and ‘prude’ had indeed stung, but not more than ‘unlovable’ had, the sentence burned into the forefront of his thoughts as his ex exclaimed it.

And maybe Dimitri had been a little out of it, typing the sarcastic message through his angry tears.

Even when pressing the post button had sent a jolt of nervousness through him, having tagged his favorite ball of sunshine, he’d never expected a response. It was evident in the comments his followers added to his post, concerned about his full week of silence, that the question had been silly. Patton? Patton Hart Sanders? The Patton Hart Sanders, egging a house? Sure, Patton had just moved into Dimitri’s hometown, but their hometown was big enough that he’d probably never run into the voice actor anyhow. And Patton just wasn’t that kind of person.

In any case, his phone had been left on the charger as he went to make some tea, and had almost spilled it everywhere when he returned 10 minutes later. A single notification from Patton Sanders himself sat, waiting to be read.

‘Now, I don’t know about eggin’ a house, Kiddo, but you sure have got me on the ‘Egg’ of my seat, ‘fryin’ to know whats eating at you. You feeling okay, Di?’’ It was a private message, sent two minutes ago, and Dimitri was barely breathing.

Okay, so maybe Dimitri was pretty gay for Patton, it was a popular type of crush, nothing very real, and that was all. He looked up to the man, definitely. However, there was no way in heaven that Patton Sanders had privately dm’d him. He could scarcely believe it, even after triple checking that this was an official Patton Sanders account. Perhaps it was unprofessional, but Patton seemed genuinely worried and was trying to reach out, and that made Dimitri feel guilty.

“Hey Pat! Don’t worry about it, I was just joking around.” He squinted at the sentence, scrutinizing it for any particular error before sending it, Patton’s response was almost immediate.

“Something tells me you weren’t, but i’ll let it slide for now, kiddo. The question remains, are you feeling okay?”

“Honestly? No, but i will be. Aphobia sucks, though. Some dude my ex turned out to be.”

It took Patton three extra minutes to respond, a hesitance present in his response. “Oh goodness, that sounds bad.. on second thought, that egging his house idea doesn’t sound so mean after all, Di!” Dimitri snorted, gently waving off the others suggestion through another message.

Back and forth they went for another hour, talking about video ideas and plans and possible collab ideas. Perhaps Dimitri was in over his head, he’d never collabed with anyone before, but he wasn’t going to turn Patton's suggestion for a stage makeup challenge for a charity livestream down.

Eventually they both went to bed, and time moved on.

Dimitri picked himself back up and threw himself back into his videos, breaking the silence with a short explanation video followed by his regularly scheduled videos. By the time Friday rolled around, Dimitri had all but forgotten about his question to Patton. Over the course of the week, both of them had gotten closer, talking about their town and suggestions of places to go, and promises to meet up that hopefully would not become empty.

It was mid-afternoon when Dimitri, who was currently mid-edit thankfully and not mid-makeup mode, got a knock on his door. Confused, he wandered to his front door and opened it, peering through his glasses at the outside world.

Well, attempting to peer, as suddenly Dimitri is met with a blue sweater-clad chest and a happy squeal of excitement coming from the man standing at his door. It takes two seconds for Dimitri to blink upwards at the taller man and recognize him as Patton Sanders, it takes Dimitri two more minutes for his brain to catch up with Patton’s excited rambling.

And to catch up with the fact that Patton is hugging him.

He notices Patton has a few things in one arm, most notably, a couple cartons of eggs. He can’t help but crack a smile, completely flabbergasted that Patton actually thought of going through with this.

Dimitri’s thoughts are going wild, and he’s pretty sure he has a headache coming on, but instead of addressing it, he plays it cool and invites the other in and decides to make tea for the both of them.

When Patton pulls out two black sweaters, one turned inside out,along with a mask and some toilet paper, Dimitri can’t hold back his giggles. He misses the way Patton lights up at the sound, and lets Patton know that they really weren’t going to egg his ex’s house. The relief is evident in Patton’s voice, “Thank goodness! I don’t think we’d fair too well in the dark!”

Dimitri can’t help but agree, adjusting his glasses. No, not even his contacts could save him for the depth perception nightmare that was aiming in the dark, plus, they’d easily get caught. Absently, Dimitri moves to hand the inside out sweater back, flipping it right side out now that the dark interior wasn’t needed, only to pause. His eyes caught on the graphic print on the front of the sweater, adjusting it in his hands so he could see it fully. He paused again, squinting at the familiar design.

It held a cute albino snake curled around a small round ornament, blepping contently with the words ‘It cold’ next to her. Under the graphic, the name of the snake was presented in pretty cursive lettering, ‘Nova.’

“Pat.. is this?? My winter merch??” Dimitri could barely hold back his disbelief, glancing up at a flustered Patton. Patton owned the merch of his pet albino python, Nova, and goodness gracious Dimitri needed to sit down.

“In my defence!! Nova is cute!! And she's even cuter when happily curled around you!” Patton huffed, arms crossed as he blushed, though unashamed at his remark. Dimitri’s mind went a hundred different ways at that, before just putting his face in his hands and sighing.

After calming down a bit, he had an idea, and glanced up at Patton who blinked at him nervously, afraid he’d messed up somehow.

“Wanna hold her?” Patton’s bright grin was worth the brief stuttering of Dimitri’s thoughts.

With permission, a picture was taken of Patton with Nova wrapped around his shoulders, captioned ‘Nova found her #1 fan, it seems!’ and posted on both of their social accounts.

And if the media went a little shipping crazy at the two’s meeting, that was fine by them.

(The End?)

I might draw somethink for this but idk yet.)

[ixnova]

Pathfinder x SO hcs

SINCE NO ONE ELSE IS REALLY DOING IT i GUESS i’LL HAVE TO PROVIDE IT MYSELF. GOTTDAMN AND Y’ALL CALL YOURSELVES A FANDOM. (I kid.)

He’s your friend first, boyfriend second.

Like he just genuinely cares about you romantic or not.

Literally info dumped everything on you the first day you two met, explained APEX, his goal to find his creator, etc.

Get’s a lot of dating advice from Mirage and the interwebs, is completely cheesy with it because of this.

Gives you flowers and gifts in excess amounts until he kinda learns for himself how to handle a relationship.

You’re his first and probably only.

Will take you on dinner dates and such even though he can’t eat. He just enjoys watching you eat and chatting to you while you eat.

Great for Netflix and chill, he loves watching new tv shows and such. He really wants to know what happens next but will wait for you.

Probably does too much “research” online and becomes paranoid about losing you sometimes.

Doesn’t get the concept of sleep but knows you need it and will keep you company while you sleep. Maybe move his charging station into the bedroom.

He can be cold or warm depending. Metal is naturally cooler to the touch but he’s warmer towards his core where his computer screen is. You can hear his fans going if you listen closely enough.

Not actually comfy to cuddle with, but you’d get used to it and find a position that works. Very chunky and bulky. Sometimes he puts pillows and such between himself so you can rest better.

He can actually wear certain clothing even tho he doesn’t need it. Got a few jackets from APEX and such, but they have to be oversized to fit him, so bonus for you when you steal them.

Honestly why steal them though just ask and he will give them to you, he doesn’t need them.

He’s not one to scare easily by normal means but he has his limits, will hide behind you and curl up with you when he does feel threatened. Lightning storms are one of the niche things that gets to him.

Always down to make you laugh, Will rehash jokes constantly, borderlines on telling dad jokes. Somehow he manages to get a chuckle out of you every goddamn time.

You love it though, you know you do.

He’s completely infatuated with you simply because you’re human. He likes seeing how you react to things, learning how you operate. He’s just interested in humans in general, but something’s special about you.

He’s not really sure what the emotions he feels really are, but he supposed based on research, “love” might be the closest thing to describe it.

Not many would expect it from his bubbly personality but he’s actually easily jealous when others flirt with you.

We’re talking rehashing some trash talk insults he learned online telling someone to leave you alone and go away when he’s had just about enough of them pestering you.

one of the few times hes actually mean, instantly feels bad about it later though... but not sorry.

You’re his. He doesn’t mean to be possessive and he doesn’t freak out when you’re out alone without him, but it’s just like, he’d like for you to be his.

He’d take you ziplining for fun sometimes, if you’re not afraid of heights.

Prepare for having to answer lots of questions, he’s curious about everything and if you’re spending time with him you’re gonna get the brunt of it.

Also expect to be told completely random facts, he loves learning about stuff!

“Turtles can breathe through their butts, how interesting!”

Would probably tell everyone that he’s dating you, even random strangers.

He’s called out to you live on APEX a few times making sure you’re watching or dedicating a win to you.

It’s a bit embarrassing but he means well.

“Everyone! This is my girlfriend!”

He’s just proud of you man.

He���d also be super supportive of you and whatever you’d want to do in life.

and when that doesn’t work out he’d be there to cheer you up.

Brings you all of your favorite things, including himself of course.

No more tears, let’s go watch our favorite Netflix show.

Takes pictures of you all the time without you even knowing, benefits of being a robot.

He just saves them for personal use, to look at when he misses you. Nothing weird though, its not like he watches you sleep or anything!

He thinks you’re beautiful all the time, even when you know you’re not at your best.

He just really, really likes you. He hopes you feel the same.

There that should fill the void for awhile. But while I’m here.... NSFW under cut.

As we all know, it’s canon that he can fuck. Of course he’d put that knowledge to use in a relationship if you were okay with it.

Probably learned about sexual intercourse while browsing the web and found porn or something.

Maybe picked it up from just learning about humans in general and with that comes information on mating patterns.

He’s extremely inexperienced though, so you’d have to personally show him how things are done.

He’d draw comparisons to videos and such he’d seen online, so at least he’d be aware if he was hurting you or not. Which he’d never do intentionally.

Your first time was probably extremely silly and awkward, but it was alright.

He doesn’t exactly have a dick or anything, naturally anyway, but he does have hands.

If you like being fingered you’re in for a real treat, he’s surprisingly good at that.

He’s always intrigued by your moans and like seeing how your body reacts to his touch. Sometimes he tries new things just to see how you’d react.

Even though he doesn’t really get much out of it, knowing you’re enjoying it is all he needs.

Extremely lame at dirty talk, he’s just too nice. He will read scripts and repeat quotes from online porno to try and get you going but it just falls flat because its rehearsed.

Probably would be best as a dom, no, he’s decided from watching videos and such that he wants to be the dom. Submissive just doesn’t suit him.

I can’t express how bad he is at dirty talk though, its funny. “I’ve been very bad.” “What? Who said that? I think you are doing wonderful, friend!”

Maybe later on you’d experiment with strap ons, or maybe someone in this wild universe can customize him a dick attachment. 

That’d get a bit more interesting, he’d again reference what he’d seen online and try to go down on you.

He gets to be closer to you this way, and its odd because he likes it though he can’t explain why.

Those handles around his screen and such are GREAT to hold onto while riding, FYI.

He’s a robot so he never runs out of energy so he can go for as long as you want to, and then some.

He might forget himself once or twice, perhaps get a bit too into it, but all you have to do is say stop and he will instantly drop everything.

He loves your body, he loves every inch of you, expect metal hands to explore and violate every part of your being.

Oddly enough, sexual intercourse really gets his motors going. Perhaps another one of his many emotions is possible arousal.

You’re often going at it above the sheets or in a colder room, he WILL overheat eventually.

You’ll have to pay attention sometimes, he won’t tell you he’s overheating for fear of ruining the mood, or interrupting your enjoyment.

Bondage? BDSM, yeah he’s heard of it. Maybe he’s itching to try a few things with you, if you wanted.

He’s not into the cuffs and whips though. Oh no he has a very special kind of kink.

Ropes are fantastic, you can zipline with them, grapple onto stuff... Tie people up.

You ever seen those very intricate rope art porno? Yeah.

Yes he uses the ziplines rope.

He’ll never tie it too tight though, just enough to keep you in place.

He makes cute patterns with it while he’s tying. small hearts, sometimes ties roses into the design.

You are a canvas and he is the artist, he’s quite proud of the tie when he’s done.

He’d much rather gaze at you and admire his work than fuck you sometimes when you play like this.

Extremely big on after care. He’ll cuddle you and tell you how well you did and that he enjoyed it too. He’d make sure you’re okay and tell you that he loves you!

Although he’d never hurt you purposely, sex is always a bit rough with him no matter how gentle he is. You’ll always have a few bruises here and there. Around the hips, thighs, wrists, it’s just the nature of the beast.

You kind of dig the markings though.

[josnhoes]

Hey! Can I get a matchup please. I'm 16 going on to 17 and my pronouns are he/him. I'm gay and looking forward to a male someone within bnha and borderlands 2. I can't pinpoint my personality right but I'm described as nice but rude and generally I have very foul language to those I'm close with. I love learning history especially the Rennaissance and both WW's as they're very colorful to me. I like video games of course and Bloodborne is one of my favorites alongside Bl2 and all Black ops.

Romantic

Your romantic partner is Axton!

-He enjoys your interest in the history of war. He may not look it but he is a low key history buff. So tell him all the war info dumps you want just be prepared to hear some stories from his time in the field (Even if it was brief)

-This bi disaster is all right dealing with any moods shifts and honestly finds when you snap off at people hillarious. Especially if you then try to cheer them back up. Says you're like a grumpy puppy. Snippy but feels guilty right after.

-He will play games with you especially the shooters. Just not any horror games. Sure he'll watch but he doesn't want to play them. He claims he just enjoys watching you play more, really it's he's pretty sure once he got sucked into the plot as a player he might break a controller at a jump scare.

- He is normally the big spoon but on certain days when he feels like shit or you ask nicely he will little spoon for you.

-Can you say tickle monster? Cause he can and he loves to watch you squirm and the indignant and grump look after that you give him amuses him. It's a small harmless schadenfreude that sometimes extends to him pulling pranks.

-Huge fan of good morning kisses, good bye kisses, good night kisses, I'm home kisses, and pretty much a general fan of kisses steamy and the simple.

Parental

Your fictional parent is Present Mic! (And by proxy Eraserhead if you like me ship them)

-Hizashi is a giant nerd but he will always stand by your side and have your back. He will raise hell for you if anyone even tries to insult or hurt you.

- He Will insist on family game nights, from boardgames to video games it's just you guys and hot chocolate and talks about how your life is going.

-As a hero with three jobs he doesn't have much free time but he does his best to make time for you when you need him. Seriously he will ditch any job at a phone call of you need him. He's a hero second but a dad first.

- The awkward dad who has a blast Embaressing you gently in front of friends. Like fond but silly stories or baby pictures.

-Someone wants to date you? They best be prepared to deal with a very stern inquisition, background check, and the stink eye any time he's alone with them. No one is good enough for you in his eyes. You are his son and no matter what he wants to see you safe and happy.

-An emotional dad, he cries at all your milestones and cheers you on the loudest. He has broken a few windows (more then a few)from a happy shout when you do something good.

-A good supportive Dad all be it silly.

[thekrazykeke]

This is so much fun, I swear before Jesus! As a big family person myself, writing about the reader’s family is cathartic. Mainly because families spill the tea in my stories more than the main character ever will 😙🤣

Boop.

It’s easy to get caught up with Erik, to be swept up in his energy. Although you’d tried to maintain a ‘slow and steady wins the race’ mentality when you’d agreed to be his girl, somehow, someway, the two of y’all just dived headfirst into a relationship. 

More often than not, you ended up staying the night over at his crib and you didn’t always use the excuse of wanting to play video games to go see him. He surprised you by how affectionate and touchy-feely he is, though you tried to get used to it and reciprocate in kind, you had been on your own for a good stretch and some habits are hard to break. It didn’t irritate him (so much) anymore and he even took it with good grace, seeming to make it his mission to wrap an arm around your waist that more often, kiss the back of your neck, or pull you into his lap, etc.

Nadia noticed the change in y’all dynamic and while she said that she approved, there was the feeling that she was distancing herself from you, which hurt, if you were being honest, since the two of y’all had hit it off instantly and been flatmates for over two years. 

However, you weren’t the type to beg anyone to be friends with you if they didn’t want to. 

The independent streak that your mother had nurtured in you your whole life wasn’t disappearing anytime soon, if at all, and occasionally, it clashed with Erik’s habit of spoiling you with too much of, well, just about everything: clothes, shoes, hair, nails, etc. Hell, he had paid off your portion of the rent for six months (you’d managed to talk him out of paying off the entire year just barely). While you would like to say that you were happy, and most of the time you truly are, you couldn’t quite shake the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

“Girl, you stupid.” Breanna, your older cousin, stated bluntly. “This nigga is payin’ bills, showering you with gifts, and, wait, is the dick good?”

You swirled the spoon in the bowl of ice cream, unable to meet her eyes. “So good.” 

“Did you hit ya head or somethin’? I should walk out of this cafe right now. You called me alllllll the way out here with a SOS text message and I’m thinkin’ it’s a serious situation.” Giving you the stink eye, she stabbed her slice of pie viciously. “Bitch, you is living the dream.” 

“It is a serious situation.” Ignoring her ‘girl, stop it!’ look, you purse your lips, “Like, I don’t know where he works, what he does for a living. He told me a little bit about his childhood, but...” 

“Y/N, baby cousin, I love you like a sister, and because I care about you so much, I’m going to say something that might hurt your feelings.” Breanna comments, putting down her fork.

“Oh, damn. Lay it on me then, cuz.”

“Your current boo is not your stank ass ex, Mitchell. Girl, you need to celebrate, apparently yo pussy so good, you got a hotep willing to be a househusband. I mean, damn. Give me lessons!” Expressively, she gesticulated as her voice gained an octave. Customers glanced in y’all direction and you laughed nervously before glaring at her. “Sorry, sorry.” Breanna apologized, tone lowering again. “Does he know about Mitchell?”

“Can we change the subject from that whack ass nigga?” You complain.

Mitchell Sanders had been your high school sweetheart and the two of y’all had dated a year and a half through college. During the final year of your relationship, he had been increasingly short tempered and critical of everything about you. While you were young, dumb and in love, you weren’t too sprung that you didn’t love your melanin skin and his passive-aggressive, caustic comments about ‘if you were a little lighter...’ only frustrated and depressed you enough to eventually dump his ass. Not even two months later, he started dating Cassandra Wynters, a preppy white soccer player. Last you’d heard about the happy couple, they’d been racing for the nearest courthouse as she was pregnant.

“No, because that nigga got yo silly-dilly ass thinkin’ that yo future baby daddy is a no good asshole wit a white girlfriend on the side.” 

“Oh God. You know what? I’ma head on out of here.” You try to flag down the waiter, only Breanna kicks you in the shin. “Ow, bitch! Mercy!” You hiss through your teeth. “The hell?”

"You such a baby.” She rolled her eyes. “Sit wit me for a few extra minutes before I gotta go back home.” Breanna instructed sternly, in the way that only family members really could command somebody to do anything. “This the only time I get some personal time away from Miguel and Tiana.”

“Oooh, how are your kids?” You pick up your spoon, the melted sweet dripping off the end and back into the bowl. 

Snorting, her tone is fond as she says, “Bad as hell as usual. Dre’s watching them right now so it’s all good. They always behave for they daddy.” Mushy expression changing quickly, she pointed a finger at you accusingly, “Girl, don’t even try and change the subject, though! You need to communicate with ya man so that he can address these issues early in the relationship. I will not stand by and let you sabotage yourself because you scared that you feelin’ this dude a little too much.” 

“Whatever, Bre. I’m done talkin’ about this for today.” 

Even though you said that, it lingered at the back of your mind the rest of the day. Work was routine so you didn’t mess up due to inattentiveness, thank goodness, and you couldn’t talk to Nadia since right now the two of y’all were in some strange type of friendship/flatmate limbo. 

"Wassup?” That’s the greeting Erik gave you before giving you a peck on the lips. “...Ay, you good?” He asked, pulling back a little to scrutinize you carefully. 

‘Fuck, he’s figured it out!’ Reaching a hand up, you place it against the nape of his neck, leaning in for another quick kiss. “Mm, better now. I mean, heh, why wouldn’t I be?”

Score one for being overcompensating. 

Eyebrows raising, for a heart stopping moment you thought he’d call you out on your bullshit, but Erik just shook his head. “...Okay. Good day at work then. I can work wit that. I’m sayin’ though, you wanted to check out that restaurant on McMillan and 4th West Ave? I made a reservation if you still wanna go...?” 

“The restaurant with the skyline view of the city and that famous seafood chef that cooks his food fresh every day?” Eyes lighting up, you launch yourself into his arms and he gripped the back of your thighs, lifting you. “Yes, yes, yes! Please!” Hands framing his face, you kissed him again, this time more intently, feeling his fingers squeezing your thighs. “And afterwards we can come back here. You let me say thank you again, properly?I might even get on my knees.”

Erik set you down on your feet. Bodies brushing up against each other, there’s no mistaking the feeling of him being half hard. “Don’t start that shit. Teasing a nigga before we go out in public.” Popping you on the ass, he snorted at the squeal you let out. “Hurry up. That reservation at seven thirty.” 

You gaped at him momentarily, turning to leave, “Why didn’t you say that at first?!”

“I’m tellin’ you now!” 

Last minute as it was, the two of y’all showed up literally dressed to slay. All eyes were on the both of you. The question in all of those pale faces were ‘How can these negroes afford to eat here?’, if not phrased exactly like that, the point still stood. 

Yet you couldn’t bring yourself to care for once. 

It didn’t matter how Erik knew the chef personally and that they shook hands as if old friends, or how the table he’d booked was strategically placed right near the area where the chef worked and you wouldn’t miss a thing while he cooked. 

For tonight, you had decided to let those fears and anxieties go. To enjoy this date with ya man.

Then the weirdest thing happened. 

“Y/N?” A nasally, high pitched voice called. "Oh my God, Y/N! Hey, hi!” Waving excitedly is a slightly plump, but cute waitress. Handing off a tray of drinks to another waiter, she hurried over to the table. “It’s been so long.”

“Uhh, baby?” Erik is understandably confused and so are you.

“I’m sorry. Do I...know you?”

“Oh! Oh, duh!” Slapping her forehead, she went through a quick demonstration of your alma mater’s hand sign. “It’s me! Cassandra!” She added, when it became clear that you were still drawing a blank.

“O-Ooooh, Cas. Wooooow, girl. Hey.” Your greeting lacked enthusiasm and Erik raised an eyebrow at you. You valiantly ignored this as you grasped for something nice to say. “Lookin’ good, girl. Shoot, I ain’t even recognize you.”

“It’s okay.” Heavily, she dropped into a seat next to Erik and yourself after grabbing a chair from another table. “I know I put on a few pounds since college and I cut my hair.” 

“Nooo!” Waving your hands frantically, you shake your head, “It’s not that. It’s just...I thought you’d be on TV, living your dream as a soccer player and everything.” Erik ‘coughed’ into his fist. “Sorry! Cassandra, this is my man, Erik. Baby, this is Cassandra Wynters.”

He ignored her outstretched hand. “And we on a date. So...maybe get back to your job?” 

As if you’d only just recognized her uniform, you gasped, hoping it’s believable. “Oh damn! I didn’t mean to take up all your time with my chit-chatting. I don’t want you to get in trouble, and we are on a date, so... Rain check. I’ll have the, um, maitre d’ give you my contact info.” 

Cheeks flushed, she raised slowly from her position, “Right. So sorry, that was rude and inappropriate, my just running over here.” Laughing awkwardly, a little piggish snort escaped and you sipped at your drink to avoid laughing in her face. “I’ll catch you later then.” 

“Yep. Ta-ta!” Dismissing her, you turn your full attention onto Erik once again, relaxing only when she walked away. 

“That musta felt good, huh?” Erik is excellent at reading your body language and cues. You grin evilly and he snorted. “I can’t believe she just ran her ass over here like y’all was in a crowded subway station or something.”

Your shake your head and thank the waiter who refills the glasses while another takes the extra chair away again. “Some people have no home training!” You state in your best posh voice. 

Placing a hand over his chest, he played along, effecting a ‘shocked’ tone, “Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?”

It was very likely that y’all made all those white folks big mad with how y’all were laughing and carrying on. Enjoying the food and each other’s company. And when it came time to leave, Erik’s hand on your waist is a warm comfort as you catch sight of Cassandra being scolded by the maitre d’, or her boss, or whoever, at the corner of your eye. For a brief moment, the two of you stare at each other and you’re the first to look away, tilting your head up to kiss at Erik’s jaw, an action that caused him to startle briefly before he captured your lips in a kiss that toed the line between being indecent and sweet.  

Maybe its God, or karma, or something else telling you to stop questioning every single thing about the mystery surrounding this man, that when it was time to know, he would tell you. To enjoy being the central focus of someone’s attention and who actually, truly, wants to be with you and only you. That everything would work out. Whatever the lesson to be learned here, the thought, ‘I am so blessed.’ Kept reverberating through your brain on a loop. And yeah, you gave that dimple cheeked fool some road head while on the way back to his crib. 

Can you really be blamed? 

[sparrowhaven]

Bi-annual state of the self

*waves* soooo if you’re new to my blog, for the past couple of years I’ve had a couple of times of year where I write/post a bit about Sad Personal Shit. At this point it’s more to remind myself about how far I’ve come than actually inform other people about my state of mind. Although I guess it helps people know I’m doing okay since I hardly talk about personal stuff in public. Like in previous posts I’ll put most of the info under a cut to not clutter up anyone’s dash or make anyone really sad unless they wanna take a look.

As of writing this I’m doing fine (though admittedly I’ve been working on this off and on since the tail end of December and I’m like 95% sure i’m done as of 1/20 hahaha nvm i’m still touching up on this on 1/25). I’m probably okay when this gets posted. Well. Very likely on the lower end of okay. I’ll put in details under the cut but if anyone wants to ask questions privately I’ll answer them. Though maybe not immediately or even until late today because god knows I’ll be working to try not to think about today AND THEN I’m going to see A Dog’s Purpose with my family because my youngest sister insisted on taking us to a movie that’s gonna at least make ME cry.

Um, if you don’t want to read this and/or you wanna know what to do to help me out, send me funny and/or wholesome memes and videos. I also like cute stuff involving elephants and owls and cats and snakes. Any animal really but those are like my top 4 in no real order. Oh, or puns. I love puns. Yeah lots of puns will help too cuz I’ll be able to read them to other people who’ll need a laugh or a groan.

....This is gonna be long so sorry in advance for my rambling. 

Anyway, on with the show.

To get this out of the way and also summarize the reason behind this post: my younger brother Benjamin killed himself on August 25, 2014. Today, January 27, 2017, would have been his 21st birthday. It’s been a bit of a ride these past couple of years to say the least even without the bullshit that was a good chunk of 2016.

So before I get asked this, no the name Benjamin or Ben or any other nickname related to it doesn’t trigger me. I’ll notice it, sure, but only in the same way anyone else with siblings would notice someone saying their sibling’s name in a regular context. Same goes for anyone mentioning having a brother. Suicide or death in general as a topic in conversation or in a story doesn’t exactly trigger me, but talk about wanting to die or disappear can make me a bit anxious even if the person talking doesn’t actually mean to do anything (although admittedly some days I can handle such talk better than others). I can get really intense just because (as mentioned in at least one previous post) there was a tangible hole in the world when my brother died and I dunno what I’d do if someone I knew just suddenly left again. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk to me when you’re feeling like you need to die or disappear and you need to tell someone. BY ALL MEANS please talk to me if you’re having these kinds of feelings--keeping them inside is worse than letting them out even to someone who might try to grab your face through a computer screen in an attempt to let you know that they care about you a lot. Don’t be worried about hurting me if you’re hurting. I tend to describe my current existence as “varying states of okay” but most of the time I’m on the better end of okay. I’ll let you know if I can’t handle things.

Oh yeah another thing: If I mentioned my brother in a conversation with someone that didn’t know about anything related to him, I always tried very very hard to use past tenses so that I wouldn’t be lying. Like “god he used to do such and such” or telling a story about him from when he was a kid. Mostly it’s because he was a great person and I love to bring up the silly things that he did and that happened to him in his life even if I don’t necessarily want everyone I meet to know that he’s dead. Also, I know a couple of people who are gonna feel really dumb because they didn’t figure this out sooner and I’m here to say that IT’S OKAY SERIOUSLY. I was only avoiding the topic because it’s heavy as fuck, why would I want to dump all that on you all at once just a little while after we met I mean come on. Also as a general rule I usually don’t feel bad enough about Ben’s death in particular to want to broach the subject in the first place. I’ve got more pressing things to stress about and tackle first, y’know? 

Obviously that isn’t to say that I don’t still feel SOMETHING even 2 and a half years later. I definitely still miss him. But it’s like even if I AM having a bad day related to Ben’s death (like...being reminded of what age he should be as an example) I just don’t normally talk about this stuff with people I’ve only met since he died because...well, first off not everyone’s had someone close to them die. See, the thing that no one tells you about grief before you lose someone close to you is that the feelings don’t really go away. It’s more like, you get more used to missing the person that died but there are definitely times when the pain will flare up thanks to some reminder and you have to cry about it. People who haven’t lost anyone might not be able to understand or empathize when they’ve had no experience with loss. And that���s fine. I don’t ever want someone to lose someone close to them just to understand how I feel FUCK no. It’s just that the barrier of experience can make the conversation immediately turn awkward from the other side not knowing what to say and me not wanting to make them uncomfortable. So, as much as possible I try to avoid that.

Secondly, mentioning Ben and how he died can sound a lot like I’m trying to grab attention. Which, I don’t want or ever intend to do. At this point in my life (to me, at least), his being dead has been solidified as fact. Which means that when I mention his death it’s more like I’m saying that the sky is blue or the grass is green. Saying the words has easier and easier as time’s gone on. Not everyone will get that being able to say them at all is in fact one of the ways I know I’ve taken some steps forward in healing. So they might assume that I’m trying to gain sympathy points when all I really wanna do is talk. (Most of this is just paranoia I’m aware but it’s still a valid reason.)

And thirdly...well, there’s just some things I can say candidly that not everyone is going to appreciate right away. They tend to be a mix of reminiscing about stuff my brother did or would totally do in a given situation and whatever situation I happen to be in. This can lead to morbidly funny things such as this story about a conversation my sister and I had:

(He really would pull a fucking stunt like that tho. Not to really be mean but because he was that kinda person. As an example, he would sneak into my room while I had my headphones on and scare the crap outta me just because he could and I wasn’t paying attention.)(I didn’t end up with a shittily wrapped present on my bed but that would definitely have been something)

Okay now that we’ve got that extra long preamble out of the way, I can now get to how I’ve been lately.

The year and a bit after Ben died was hard, but it was easy compared to 2016 for whatever reason (even though for obvious reasons I consider 2014 to be my worst year). I was feeling more and more broken and alone as the year dragged on despite my moments of relief whenever I hung out with family or talked with my online friends or went to my grief group. On my days off of work I was often just at the house, not doing much of anything and not having any motivation to do much more than watch videos. Sure I had my good moments, but those seemed to get drowned out by how dull and repetitive life felt. Months ticked by and I was getting more and more lonely and missing the fact that my brother would have been there with me to go to places (despite knowing that he would probably have been working on my days off, the loneliness doesn’t have a set logic behind it). I don’t think I would’ve done anything to myself (there’s no way I’d put my family through what we’ve been through again) but I was fully aware that something had to be done and soon.

So one day I decided to join a private livestream of an artist I’d backed on patreon. I’d initially starting giving her money because I thought she deserved it and I didn’t really care about getting a reward for it, but one night she’d posted about doing a livestream for her patrons and I decided to see what would happen. And I had a great time. Everyone was so chill and friendly, and it was fun seeing her draw pages for her comic and talk to her patrons about all kinds of topics. So the next time she streamed, I joined that. And since then I’ve joined in on other livestreams of other artists, met new, wonderful people, joined discord servers and in general I’ve just been feeling much better about myself. And definitely less lonely. I don’t always make friends very easily but I’ve found strong platonic connections with these friends I’ve made and in a very short period of time. And I hope that I’ve helped them as much as they’ve helped me lately.

By the way just so we’re all clear in this whole long ramble: I appreciate every single one of my friends, old or new, and you’ve all helped me out in different ways while I’ve been sorting myself out. Just because I might not talk to you about my feelings or issues doesn’t mean I don’t like you or I’ve suddenly stopped caring about you. If you feel like you didn’t do anything for me because I didn’t say anything about it I WANT YOU, YES YOU THE PERSON READING THIS WHO IS MY FRIEND, TO KNOW THAT YOU BEING YOU HAS HELPED ME PERIOD THE END. Really. I’m not just saying that. Everyone has contributed something that’s helped me out in recent months even if to you it was just a silly chat. Don’t think I won’t smother you in momfriend worry and assurances and positive callouts about how good you are if you don’t believe me I STG.

2016 was a hard year for everyone. Friends of mine have gone through really hard times, politics has played havoc with everyone’s emotions, well respected and loved celebrities have died...with the dawning of this year I can only hope for the best for everyone (despite the really shitty political climate) and offer some words of advice and encouragement: 

You CAN move on from your very worst day. Even the one that you never, ever wanted to happen. It’s going to really suck, but you can do it. You’ll feel like you’re in the bottom of a deep ditch with no way out, but there IS a path up. Finding it is something you’re going to have to figure out on your own, but there are other people out there who can help point you in the right direction if you need them. And if you don’t need anyone you can still find your way. Just keep moving, one step at a time. 

Don’t worry about being “slow” in recovering. Don’t even worry if you feel like you’re never gonna recover at all. 

There isn’t a competition to see who can heal better/faster/stronger/ever from something traumatic. 

The important part is that you’re moving forward, even at what you feel like is a snail’s pace because if you’re still moving and breathing you’re still alive. The objective is to stay alive for as long as possible. (I’m not saying that there won’t ever be times when you’ll break down because of your feelings as you move on. Hell I’m WELL AWARE that those points in time never really go away.)

What you need is perspective. The more time and experience you have, the better you end up being able to handle what hurt you. 

You might not think you’re important but I can guarantee you that if you died that people would feel your absence. It might not be the people you’d have expected, but they still will feel something because you’re gone.

Be gentle with those who lost someone, but you don’t necessarily have to walk on eggshells around them. Most of the time, they just want someone to talk to about their experiences. 

So, if you need any more metaphors or advice or just someone to talk to I’m willing to help however I can.

Also Ben, wherever you are, I hope you have a good birthday. We all still love and miss you, but we’re doing okay. I mean. just within this past month I’ve managed to draw you fairly well so there’s something positive. 

So you don’t have to worry about us from wherever you are on the other side. Really. Thank you for watching over us, tho. Happy birthday.

[mastcomm]

I Will Make You Herders of Males

Ifedayo Babalola

  By Ifedayo Babalola

‘They have to be stopped! This can’t be!’ Shorty’s bearded face is a mixture of concern and rage.  ���We should cease them!’

‘Cease who? Cease what? ‘Lanky queries, wincing beneath the heavy decibels pumping from the earpiece.

‘Haven’t you heard?  Effectively, it’s privileged info nonetheless.  The Group revealed to me this morning…’

‘My good friend, settle down and speak sense. The Group, secret info, revelation….. ‘

‘You take heed to me. The diplomat prince might quickly be picked as the brand new COS to The President! That’s completely, totally unallowable!‘

‘Who precisely? What’s his identify and why does the appointment trouble you a lot?’

‘As a result of the survival of this nation will depend on it. In reality, the survival of the human race, you may say.’

‘Now, that’s completely, totally critical,’ Lanky would have laughed if not that he fears one thing critical is occurring to his good friend. ‘The human race? Is Aso Rock appointing The COVID-19 as The COS? And….’

‘That is no time for jokes.’ Shorty out of the blue drops his voice and leans near the webcam. ‘I can not point out his identify. The Group forbids it. They’re in every single place. He’s the diplomat prince from the south-northern metropolis of the north-southern state. That’s all of the clue you’re ever gonna get from me for those who actually love your life…And speaking about life, shouldn’t we be placing on masks?’

‘For a video name?’

‘Precisely. I’m gonna put one on anyway. I have no idea the place you’ve been.’

That is the primary dialog between them for the reason that lockdown was declared. Lanky had made a number of makes an attempt attain his good friend by cellphone. When he obtained no reply, he contacted the spouse. Apparently, Shorty had locked himself in his room from day one of many lockdown, explaining to his household that what he required was a complete lock-up. In response to him, he wanted house to obtain The Nice Epiphany.

So when Shorty’s spouse knowledgeable him two days in the past that his good friend requested {that a} zoom assembly be organized, Lanky was each delighted and curious in equal measure. After these opening minutes nonetheless, curiosity has grabbed a disproportionate quota of his emotional association.

Shorty now has his masks submerged midway into his covid facial hair, his eyes peep from someplace behind his eyeglasses. In higher instances, Lanky would have quipped that he appears like an iron god in specs. However issues are removed from regular proper now.

‘However he’s very certified, isn’t he? A effectively…’

‘Bravo! You’ve labored it out, eh?’

‘Articulate and clever man, he’s and….’

‘How proper!’ Shorty cuts in once more. ‘Artificially clever.’

‘I mentioned articulate and clever.’

‘What’s the distinction? Intelligence with out compassion is synthetic all the identical. Suppose Saro-Wiwa, Abacha, the opposite diplomat and plenty of extra.’ He pauses to regulate his masks earlier than continuing. ‘What is going to a diplomat convey to Aso Rock? Extra deceptions and lies? Find out how to name black as blue? Oh nice! The media group over there’ll now have a mentor in apocalyptic manipulations and open deceit. Have you ever learn “The Omen”?  It’s a novel a few diplomat who tricked his spouse to lift an offspring of Devil? Now, now we have diplomat holding the reigns of Aso Rock energy. Do the maths. Critical omen.’

‘Sure. That sounds just like the title of a bestselling fiction that I’ve learn.’

‘That could be a fictional story, alright!…. However The Group says with this appointment, the fulfilment is at hand, and it’s going down proper earlier than our eyes!’

‘There is no such thing as a correlation. It is advisable get a grip. You’re turning into paranoid, my expensive..  ‘ Lanky tries to tone down the temperature of the dialog.

‘It’s you who must get up, matey! You assume it’s far-fetched? Let me inform you, eh? No prophesy unfolds with 100 per cent accuracy. In addition to, this man is Nigeria’s personal “The Prince” as prescribed by Nicolo Machiavelli.  Keep in mind him? The tip justifies the means? Are we prepared for a COS who engages any ways to get no matter he desires?’

‘You realize very effectively that I’ve studied The Prince; however on the final rely, you wished anybody however Abba Kyari, didn’t you?’

“That was then. That was a very long time in the past. Now, I say, anybody however them!’ Shorty’s voice retains rising, the face masks modulating like a damaged base amplifier.

‘Them? Who’s Them?’

‘The Ilorin Fulani after all!’ Shorty bangs the desk. The webcam wiggles in protest. ‘Who else?!’

‘Now… You see your self?’ Lanky counters. ‘Agboola is a Yoruba identify….’

‘You talked about that identify with your personal mouth. Could your sin be upon your personal head. Anyway, you’re so ignorant, my good friend…. Sure. He has a Hausa surname, a Yoruba center identify, speaks Yoruba, his mom and spouse are Yoruba. That’s nothing however the cosmopolitan deception precept of The Fulani: “Be every part they’re, however by no means let the conquered be something we’re.” You realize the historical past! Anybody however them!’ The webcam wiggles once more on the thunderous bang on the desk.

‘Doesn’t that make him a blended breed, half Yoruba and half Fulani? And gained’t that make every of his kids 1 / 4 Fulani and three quarters Yoruba?’

‘Ah! Ignorance is bliss….!’

Lanky’s persistence is being stretched. ‘In the event you use that language as soon as extra, I’ll finish this dialogue straightaway.’

Shorty’s spouse sooths in from the background. ‘Pricey, don’t name your good friend names, you hear?’

‘However he first referred to as me paranoid. Okay, okay…’ He raises an open palm to the digicam as a type of atonement. ‘As I used to be saying, it’s possible you’ll work it ahead to his grandchildren as much as the hundredth era, for those who like. An inverted type of America’s Jim Crow rule is at play right here. A single drop of Fulani blood in you makes you a Fulani. It’s such a strong blood. By the best way, with all of the connected privileges in Nigeria, you’d be silly to determine in any other case when you’ve got just a bit above zero per cent Fulani blood in you. Intermarriage doesn’t change something, you already know. Every little thing about them is political, and that features love, language, marriage and the selection of child names.  Chances are you’ll even name it wedlock as an instrument of conquest authentication. You see why the selection of an Ilorin Fulani is a slap and a ploy to increase the southern boundaries of infamy? All this nonsense should cease. We want you with us to place a cease to all this nonsense. I promised The Group I’ve a friend-’

Lanky watches with seething anger as his compatriot struggles to catch his breath underneath the carbon dioxide-filled face masks. Regardless of his annoyance, he is aware of he should assist this disturbed man on the different finish of the road.

‘Look mate,’ he begins calmly. ‘I do know the lockdown, the virus risk and all has put everybody underneath some stress, however it’s a must to get some grip. In your personal sake, for the sake of your loved ones and for our friendship. I don’t know these you could have been speaking to, however when you’ve got any downside with them, let me know. If there’s any approach I can assist, you belief I’ll.’

‘You assume I’m mad, Lanky, or you’re pretending to not know the reality? Okay okay…possibly you could have aspirations. I do know you already know somebody who’s a good friend to somebody who is aware of the man, however that’s no cause to promote out. You aren’t jobless. We was once collectively. Who did this to you? What did this to you?’

Lanky is astonished. ‘As a result of I don’t subscribe to your hysteria, meaning I’ve been purchased?’

‘Purchased, merely naive or no matter!’ Shorty continues with larger vigour. ‘Don’t be deceived about talks of Fulanization. You possibly can’t be Fulanized. Truly, to be Fulanised could be a honour for those who think about the choice. However you possibly can’t for those who do not need the drop of the blood; and it doesn’t occur by appointments or faith. It doesn’t occur by blood transfusion both in case you’re considering alongside that line. They’ll solely use you and dump you. Even the Hausas haven’t been Fulanized.’

He adjusts his masks once more earlier than persevering with. Sweat bubbles take social distancing positions on his brow. ‘So, overlook Fulanization. That’s what The Group informed me in The Nice Epiphany. The purpose is Bovinisation. Sure! You heard me. The Fulani undertaking is to herd each different Nigerian like cattle. And you already know what? That they provide you this job doesn’t imply they love you. If in any respect, it will likely be the type of love they’ve for his or her cattle. Like to sale! If The Fulani can promote his cattle for slaughtering, they’ll promote anybody!’

‘And this group informed you all these in your imaginative and prescient?’ Lanky manages to get a phrase in.

Shorty jumps up and walks to the center of the lounge. Lanky can now see his full dishevelled body.

‘You assume I’m mad, don’t you? That’s what they mentioned of all of the prophets. However we’re all the time vindicated in the long run.’ He gazes heavenwards as he paces on and off digicam, however his voice is evident and unbroken. ‘Sure. I noticed them clearly – the turbaned chief, as he addressed his followers in faraway Fouta Djallon: “We should journey to this land. And when it’s conquered, individuals whose inheritance you seize shall bow at your ft, higher males shall be your cup bearers; royal virgins shall beg your friendship. You shall suck dry the milk of their southern tip and lick the honey of their western flank; you shall graze freely on their yam tubers and rule the waves of their oceans. That’s the land and the people who your God has promised to you and to your generations……Comply with me subsequently, and I’ll make you herders of males……’

Lanky’s cellphone rings. It’s Shorty’s spouse. ‘Uncle!’ She sounds agitated. ‘The docs are on the door. Please come over….!’

-Ifedayo Babalola is a author and social critic.

ifebabs1@gmail.com

  from WordPress https://mastcomm.com.ng/opinion/i-will-make-you-herders-of-males/