#i might just get an online job & still be a housewife. esp after i do have children. but i do kind of want to get an in person job when
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#anyways as i was saying#im gna try hard to get a job. bc while alex is generous & would do anything for me i just really cant accept that without contributing too.#like it might seem weird. a girl marrying a guy 9 years older than her from a foreign country. i probably sound like a gold digger but rlly#i have such a hard time accepting things from people without giving them sometjkng in return. esp ppl i love. so i have to contribute#like i told him i rlly hate working & have a hard time focusing on productive tasks like schoolwork and he said i dont have to work he'd do#everything for me. and like that's so incredibly sweet of him but i couldn't ever allow it. i hate not being allowed to work in my current#household bc my family guilts me for feeling lazy & useless for it. & while i do think being a housewife wouldnt be terrible i would just#feel overwhelmingly guilty for it& if there's one lesson i learned from my mother it is to never be entirely financially dependent on ur s/o#no matter how much you may love them. bc you never know if things could go wrong & you'd need to leave. but if you have no money of ur own#youre basically stuck in a bad situation. and i dont think alex would ever be that type of person that my mother's ex was#people change in unexpected ways.#so i want to work both to feel useful & for my own security & that of my future children too. so they dont go thru what i did#i might just get an online job & still be a housewife. esp after i do have children. but i do kind of want to get an in person job when#we're together. bc as i am rn i am so fcking isolated & i hate it. im so socially anxious & dont like people but i also miss them.#i hope i can make some friends in my new home. but it might be difficult bc there's also a language barrier on top of my usual anxiety.#& being bad at speaking will make me even more nervous. and also probably cultural differences. but i really want to meet some nice#girls and make friends. i havent really had many friends for the majority of my life. like rn i just have alex & luca & half another friend#the only one i talk to regularly is alex & that's bc hes my fiancé. duh. luca is my oldest friend but even then ive only known him for 5yrs?#like ive never really had childhood friends & im so jealous of ppl who've had friendships they've kept their whole lives#but luca & i talk irregularly bc while we still care for each other we've grown apart a bit with time. we used to be really a lot closer.#so im hoping moving to a new place will give me a chance to make new friends. i want girl friends bc boys usually make me uncomfortable#for obvious reasons. like it takes me a lot of time to work up trust for guys. even my own family#but women. like yes there are still bad women out there but to me ive just met a lot less so i just feel safer with them in general.#not that im ever an open book with anyone. or trusting anyone easily. but idk. i relax much faster with women than with men. especially#older women. girls my age are usually rlly sweet too but i get intimidated easily. i always compare myself to them. like i feel ugly next to#them. i feel ugly next to everybody. but older women are just. usually very sweet. my grandma & i are very close & her friends were always#rlly nice too. but i havent really had a true friend who was my age since middle school. i had a few friends there#its ironic bc the height of my s*xual ab*se was the only time i actually enjoyed school. i had a close friend group & it was#such an escape for me. so when my mother split with my ab*ser & we moved. like it was so hard for me bc i was happy to be away from him but#i also lost contact with all my friends over time. & i still have their snaps where they left me on read like years ago & for some reason
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