#i might finish this later idkk

[quelendart]

they're,,, eepin,,

i love them i love them i love them

[ao-xingyume1987]

So, we lie here in silence Just lie here in silence Yes, it's normal people things Just to lie here in silence

[vitamindmemories]

mediocre

i wasnt tooo big a fan of my experience between 3-5/6th grade lol .. like, it was fine i guess, but i had just moved schools and towns and houses, and had to make all new friends, not that i really had many in my last school - just one mainly but she was my best friend there . and here, i didnt really have a best friend in the middle of elementary school, like there were people who were nice and were friends, but we didnt connect on that level. i shouldnt complain. but plus the grade was super cliquey, idk if thats just what happens by third grade no matter where you go but they were. and i was getting very slow in school like everything took me forever lol. and there were “popular” kids by then which was super annoying.

i had a hard time in 2nd grade too, no friends in my class but atleast there were people who were kinda nice to me sometimes and my best friend was on my bus, molly. and i liked my house and i was confident lol and we had fun with min because she was a baby so actually i remember that age fondly. and i had a couple bullys, the main bully and his sidekick, and a girl who was my friend but then she got mean to me but then i tricked her into being my friend again lol. and its just annoying because by second and third grade you start getting all kinds of anxiety about being cool or about keeping up with trends which i couldnt barely keep up with or whatever lol. i have a theory that people are pretty tolerant of each other and dont form cliques yet and social hierarchies before 2nd grade . plus i feel like i was socially inept and physically uncoordinated .

high school was fine. atleast i had friends, and best friends. that was cool and what was what i wanted. i felt super safe and i worked hard and got good grades. but like right before high school my neighbor whos two years older than me would throw these big parties at his house all night and my family would get super like Dont Drink like him and Dont Have Sex with boys because Thats all they probably want and then youll get Pregnant. which is advice you should take to an extent . but i was super obedient and i was super gullible and literally was always into doing whatever people told me to for some reason like i guess i didnt want to get in trouble? .. so i was super afraid of all that stuff lol and never fucking tried to drink or Talk to any boys ever through like my whole high school career except for like a second, when i thought about Living like a normal person. so i regret that lol, because here i am like 10 yeares later, still struggling with how to do social things and party .. whoop. hopefully ill catch up . i feel like i nearly did but it was embarassing when i realized how behind i was and how scared of catching up quick enough, i was ..

i guess i was also fit[ter] in high school,..i never appreciated that until i got to college and literally gained the freshman 15, i thought thatd be a myth. its not. still have it. but i never did sports anymore in college. maybe thats why, and maybe i had faster metabolism in highschool..and i didnt snack much because i didnt have a sense of like, autonomy that that was a thing i could do lol, eat when its not mealtime ? i think, i dunno. this’s genetic.

i didnt really start drinking until like haha when i was actually 21.. and i played club hockey and those girls could party and they were really approachable and safe and helpful about it ha, so that was nice, they helped me get my way into it in a good way. then in senior year id go and hang out at some of my closest friends’ appartment in one of the dorms, and we’d drink white wine from the convenient store across the street, or this free henessey that a guy gave my friend to woo her but she didnt want it and i never even finished it, its still in the closet downstairs lol, 5 years later ? i was a weird drunk though, before i learned to get a grip on myself, id like try to hold peoples hands or hold on to people (that i was good enough friends with) and tell them all my thoughts and feelings ha . tell them how much i like them or whatever. lie down on the floor. walk around without pants. just in the apartment or around people i trust lol. embarassing. or like try to make out with anyone whos not a hobo or old person or baby ha. idkk.

i didnt consciously try to date really, until my last year of college. idk, i thought i wasnt ready or something or thought itd be overwhelming or i wouldnt be good at it and itd just be an embarassment i guess. i think i just casually mentioned wanting to be dating and my dad ha actually goes, you should do online dating ! so i did and i actually learned a lot about making convo that way, you  get to talk to all these strangers and if it doesn’t work out, it doesnt matter and you can just stop, and id never been too social so i was getting some good practice talking to people there ha.

im always afraid that looking back, ive made a horrible fool of myself socially mostly, and i wasnt aware of it ha . but i feel like i dont say much most of the time so how bad could it really be.

i think  mostly im embarassing, ive been informed, because ive been not very confident and then i might mumble my words and its just hard to understand and painful to watch . and then i start scratching and fidgeting when im nervous. ee. idkk im hopingg i feel like ive gotten much more confident since working at ch last year, because if youre not confident there youll literally get your ass handed to you. so in about 6 months you learn how to say what you want and set boundaries, and i had a friend who was just like me but i feel like people liked her more and i was like, why do they ? and i was like, probs because shes more articulate and confident, so i decided to be more conscious of how things sound when they come out my mouthh. if im embarassing for anything else its been just like knowing social norms lol and convo making and how to make romantic moves/take cues, but ive been putting myself out there a lot more these past few years, painfully, and feell like ive learned a lot and am a lot more aware of what im doing [right] so thats better.