#i mean. my extremely mid work ethic is why i would never be in a position to sell a company for lots of money. but that's fine by me

[buffskeleton]

owner of our company sold it and he was like 'i have enough money i never need to work again but i love it so im still gonna work here' and i was like man that could never be me i would be outta there......

[true-blue-megamind]

FAN THEORY THURSDAY – Why Did Metroman Retire?

Happy Almost-Friday, everyone! And even though Minion threatens to smother everything he cooks in old Limburger cheese each time I say it: SPOILER WARNING!

Yes, I know, it’s three a.m. and it’s technically Friday, but I’m still calling this Thursday night, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Okay, let’s be honest, Metroman is a character who seems, on the surface, to require little explanation in the film Megamind. He’s only present in the beginning and end, and we spend half the movie believing he’s dead, and we learn that Metroman has done something almost unheard of among superheroes: he’s chosen to retire. The question is: why? There is a tendency to think that he's simply a spoiled rich boy who, (in his social life, at least,) does what he wants without regard for others, but is that really fair? Or could there be other possible reasons? Well, let’s take a look at a few fan theories that may explain why he chose to abandon heroism for a music career.

Metroman Didn’t Want to Be a Hero

Although he’s clearly based on—and perhaps even poking a little fun at—the Man of Steel, Metroman was no Superman. (I mean, okay, he was technically a super-man, since he had strength, speed, and powers far beyond what a human would possess.) Except, here’s the thing: he’s not a carbon copy of the Man of Steel; Metroman and Superman have completely different lives and personalities. This remains true despite the fact that they share a similar origin—that of being aliens from a dead planet—and identical powers—including laser-vision and flight. Even their code names are comparable. However, if we look deeper, it becomes obvious that Metroman and Superman are two very different characters.

Superman is all about being an upstanding hero. Although he can be annoyingly persnickety, and sometimes displays nearly oppressively unyielding strictures about right and wrong, one thing you can say about the Man of Steel is that he’s generally integral. He is exactly what his public image portrays him to be: a Good Guy through and through. The same isn’t true of Metroman, and in some ways that makes him a more complex and interesting character.

The childhoods of the two heroes are extremely different. As I’ve mentioned in Why Was Megamind Raised in Prison, when a boy, Metroman was a bully, not only making young Megamind an outsider and the object of everything from teasing to physical attacks, but also inspiring other students to do the same. Superman, on the other hand, far from being a bully was bullied by Pete Ross. Rather than using his powers against others, he was too responsible and good-hearted to use them even against Pete Ross. Metroman is adopted by super-wealthy parents, and is essentially a trust-fund baby, while Superman was adopted by a farm family. He grows up with a good work ethic and hometown values. Indeed, this economic discrepancy continues into adulthood. As far as we can tell, Metroman doesn’t need to work and has no job outside being a superhero. Superman, conversely, has to earn a living as a journalist. Finally, in the majority of comics, Superman avoids most public appearances, unless he feels they serve some beneficial social purpose. Indeed, he goes to great lengths to keep his identity a secret and avoid the public eye as much as possible. The first time we see Metroman in the film, however, he is basking in a crowd’s adoration at the dedication of a museum in his honor. Indeed, in the original script, then called Mastermind, Metroman’s real identity seems to be widely known. (In case you’re wondering, this is where the name Wayne Smith, commonly used in the fandom, originates from.) So, we see that these character are actually very different: one is a hero strictly for the greater good, and the other, while he certainly does a lot of good things, is also in it for the fame.

This may seem like I’m being harsh toward poor Wayne Smith, but his flaws do not, in fact, make him a bad person. The issue is that we’re comparing him to Superman who, while still certainly imperfect, is intended to be a better-than-average person in every way, including moral. Make no mistake, Metro City’s former hero isn’t any sort of villain; what he is is normal. If we’re honest, most of us would be pleased by wide-spread accolades and honors. He reacts to positive fame the same way nearly anyone would because, at his heart, he’s really just a typical guy. That is the material point: Wayne Smith really only wants to be an average citizen—a music star, perhaps, but still a relatively ordinary person. In that way, he and Megamind are alike: they both desire, more than nearly anything else, to be normal. The key difference is that Megamind’s sincere and driving concern for his city also makes him ideal for becoming a hero. (You can learn more about this particular fan theory in The Warden and in Megamind and Identity.)

So, why did Wayne Smith become a Defender in the first place, then? Again, I’ve briefly touched on this in previous posts, but it appears likely that Metroman was pushed into heroism just as much as Megamind was pushed into supervillainy. Because he was a bully with superpowers, it’s likely that adults around him realized something had to be done about Wayne. Otherwise he was a danger. So, they constructed an environment—the Li’l Gifted School—where he could be conditioned to seek the praise of others as well as to fight Megamind, who had been singled out as his future nemesis. (In fact, that conditioning is probably why he opted for a career that would put him on stage, aside from a probable love of music.)

Because the path chosen for Megamind involved more hardships and pain, it’s easy to forget that Metroman was in essentially the exact same plight. However, the fact remains that these were both children, and they were both being coerced into perceived destinies they didn’t want. Neither of them were given a choice and, in the end, both of them cast off the expectations pressed upon them to become the people they really wanted to be. The difference is that, because of our natural biases, Megamind’s rise to Defender of Metro City seems more noteworthy than Metroman’s step into Mr. Average Joe. The truth, however, is that both characters were basically doing the same thing: being true to themselves.

Metroman May Have Had Health Concerns

We know Megamind and Metroman are close to the same age—although the latter appears to be about a year rather than days old when he lands on Earth—but what that age is is open to supposition. We know, however, that they are almost certainly in their thirties, probably in their mid- to late-thirties. (Take a look at How Old is Megamind for more information about that.) However, we can see that Wayne is already going gray around the temples. Of course, some people’s genetics simply cause them to go gray earlier, and that’s certainly a possibility, but one fan theory suggest there may be more going on. The idea has been put forward that Wayne’s super-speed may be having an adverse effect on him, forcing his body to work overtime to keep up. The resulting physical stress could be making him age prematurely.

That’s not the only factor to consider. As hard as heroism may have been on his body, the effects on Metroman’s mind would have been even greater. Before the events in the movie, Metro City’s authorities—and, indeed, all its citizens—became too reliant upon their superhuman hero, and as a result that hero was run ragged. That isn’t a mere hypothesis. A scene that was storyboarded but never included in the final film makes Metroman’s plight perfectly clear. We see him being called from one end of the city to the other for everything from a massive explosion to an old lady needing help opening a jar. Keep in mind that, when hearing a cry for assistance, the hero would likely be unable to tell who truly needed him urgently and who was simply making unnecessary demands, thus he would have to rush to every call he heard. Even the city’s law enforcement seems to take him for granted, refusing to take criminals he just hand-delivered to jail because they’re on lunch break. The cumulative effect is that Metroman looks nearly frantic with stress.

This is important because, aside from the obvious mental and emotional concerns, this sort of stress accelerates aging as well. According to an article in the Huffington Post, when glycation and telomere shortening, as well as the over-oxidation, are caused by enduring heightened stress for prolonged periods of time, it can result not only in graying hair and premature wrinkles, but heart trouble as well. Even the memory can be affected, as one study by the University of Wisconsin found that stress can age a person’s brain up to four years faster than normal, and contribute to cognitive problems later in life. (The study was part of a presentation—you have no idea how badly I wanted to write that word in all-caps—and is thus currently unpublished, but information about it can be found in an article from Over Sixty.)

Metroman Retired for the Good of Everybody

As you can see, in a strange way, having a super-powered Defender was actually crippling Metro City. In fact, it may be truly damaging to the local infrastructure and official organizations. Youtuber Olaf Scholtens, in his video Megamind: Power and Identity, uses the metaphor of an airplane manufacturer to explain what’s going on. (If you’ve read my own post Megamind and Identity, you’ve seen this before.) Engineers and factories put a lot of effort and expense into making certain aircraft are as safe as possible, but what would happen if they felt they could confidently assume a superhero would simply catch any plane that crashed, saving everyone on board? Safety standards would probably become far more lax, and people might be in far more danger as a result. Given the way that nearly everyone in Metro City seems to assume Metroman will always save the day, it’s possible that, within the urban area, the same thing could be happening with things like building code enforcement, large construction projects, and even public safety measures. Bridges might not be properly built, fire hazards might not be addressed, and, given the blasé attitudes of the cops in the storyboard, law enforcement officers might not even be bothering to keep an eye on things. By retiring, Metroman forced the city to become more self-sufficient again.

That, however, may not have been the only problem Metroman was trying to solve. Remember the whole discussion about the former Defender’s school boy bullying and the apparent conspiracy to turn one boy into a hero and the other into a supervillain? It’s possible Wayne may have felt remorse for the former and found out about the latter. Having battled Megamind so much in the past, he also may have realized that the blue man never actually hurt anyone, and in fact went out of his way to stage their confrontations in abandoned places. (Again, you can read more about that in both Megamind and Identity and The Warden.) It may be that Metroman real “brilliant plan” wasn’t simply to fake his death, but in doing so to prod Megamind into becoming a hero and thus accepted by society.

There is an alternative theory, put forward in a Reddit post, that Megamind and Metroman’s parents may have known one another, and may have sent both children to Earth with the intention of them becoming a dynamic duo, fighting evil together with Megamind as the brains and Metroman as the brawn. This could have been what Megamind’s father meant when he told his son: “You are destined for greatness.” While there is very little support for this in the movie, it would explain why, in the vast cosmos, both of the young survivors were sent not only to the same planet, but even to the same city.

Whatever the reason may have been, one thing is certain: there certainly is some evidence that Metroman intended his one-time nemesis to become a hero. One of his lines, after Roxanne and Megamind discover he’s still alive, supports this. You know the one. “If there’s bad, good will rise up against it. It’s taken me a long time to find my calling; now it’s time you find yours.” Then, of course, there is another line, when Music Man is watching his former enemy take the role of Defender of Metro City: “way to go, Little Buddy. I knew you had it in you.”

If Metroman really did purposefully help Megamind step into heroism, that could also explain why he didn’t stop Megamind from taking over the city—perhaps he trusted the blue man not to harm anyone and to eventually come to his senses—as well as why he refuses to overtly help defeat Titan. He does, however, clearly subtly assist Megamind, as the latter almost certainly went back to Wayne’s hideout to scan his appearance and voice into the holowatch. All of this together makes it seem quite plausible that Metroman not only wanted to retire, but also wanted the blue man to take his place.

Megamind and Metroman by White-Night-56 on Deviant Art

Maybe this means that, now that Megamind is the Defender of Metro City, he and Music Man occasionally get together to commiserate over the more difficult aspects of being a superhero and joke about the old days.

It’s also quite possible that all of these fan theories could be true. The film Megamind is, among other things, surprisingly subtle, complex, and subversive for an animated movie. Every time I dive deep into some aspect or other of the plot, I am once again impressed by the amount of thought and detail that went into this work. No wonder Megamind—and its characters—have so many dedicated fans.

[thirstybtsthoughts]

To the people giving you shit about this blog:

Really? They are grown men who have sex and watch porn. I know that the kpop fame machine encourages an extremely bizarre fan culture where idols are forced to lie about dating, only having the fan base as significant others, being virgins and being LBGTQ (if you think every kpop idol is straight you're crazy). If, however you actually believe any of that you need to go outside, take a deep breath and interact with the real world.

Is there a fine line with thirst fantasy fandom? Of course. And this blog never goes over that line. None of this thirst is sent to any of the members because that would be creepy and if continued might be considered internet stalking (YMMV depending on country).

Also, and this is VERY important: no member of BTS has revoked their consent for their very real life images and very legal identities in this fashion. If say Seokjin or Namjoon or Jimin, or any of the others made a public statement that they did not want fans doing this then I have every confidence that this Lovely Lady would respect that as they would have revoked their consent. And she has never given any of us reason to think she does not respect the rules of consent.

So instead of going after her, why don't you go after true and deluded fanatics who stalk them, hack their phones, do everything they can to get and spread very private information of theirs, who threaten the lives of any woman who could possibly have any sort of non work related relationship with them (remember JK's tattooist friend). Maybe go after the psycho fans who made Big Hit (or whatever the new name is now) feel they need to follow the ethically and legally questionable hiring practice of only hiring married woman (do they just fire women who get a divorce???).

Are there problems with kpop fan culture? Absolutely! Is there a very troubling comparison between kpop fandom today and the US/European fan culture before strict stalking laws were put in place in the mid to late 90's? Yes. And just like the US and Europe it'll probably take a few very public dead celebs before they change things.

However she is none of these things and if sone of you can't tell the difference then you aren't exactly the sharpest tools in the shed of life.

Sorry for the length sweetie but I got Bothered on your behalf. 🌹

** Also all of this goes for female idols as well. Just because this blog doesn't thirst over female idols doesn't mean other blogs don't and doesn't mean they don't have their own scary delusional fans to deal with.**

Thank you so much 🥺, everything you've said is so on point, and yes you know me so well, there are boundaries that I most definitely wouldn't cross 🥺🥰.

The hate used to bother me when I first received it but now it doesn't faze me, I just laugh at it and delete it. And really, the hateful messages are rare. I just brought it up on that long post because occasionally people ask me to stop sexualising the guys, they even try to say it nicely, and I wanted them to know that I've seen their asks and they won't be able to change anything about the way I talk/fantasise about the guys 😁.

This ask, as lovely of you as it is, isn't something I would have normally published as this really isn't a topic that I want to talk about in depth on here. I personally don't see the point when this blog is very obviously what it is. I just want to go about my day and continue my thirst as casually as I can lol.

I'll publish this because you wrote it all out and have been so nice 🥺 (lovely lady??? omg I blushed ALOT 🥰🥰). But to everyone reading this, I don't really want to start a whole conversation about it because we all know the obvious, which is exactly what this fab person has said above 😁.

[floralkittygambler]

RadioDust is the Healthiest Toxic Ship for Angel so far

@honesthazbinarchives​ Briefly. I’d like to go into this more in the future BUT these are the main points I said I’d do. Heh ‘stay tuned’ for why HuskerDust is toxic [haaaa funny fuckin reference n shit like Viv herself aint overdone it]. Yer dont even wanna know the lack of enthusiasm in tryna do a playful ‘cringetopia’ joke - wasnt as fun as anticipated. Anyfuckinways, the shit. Before we begin, disclaimers n whatnot, no hate intended, dni if you’re a bit of a knobhead [either stan or extreme anti], an all that nonsense. I dont own the characters no shit.  In this I’ll discuss how RadioDust aka SpiDEER (thats right, yer stuck w my shit humour now) is both the healthiest ship for Angel we’ve seen so far but still rather toxic. Idc if you hate me for it but dont fuckin waste yer time telling me. Great. I dont care. Yer fuckin hard n whatnot for harassin strangers online. Big dick energy to you. This will be slightly messy, my apologies, it’s a quick summary of many points.

Alright. Firstly, out of the entire male cast Angel interacts with over all platforms, Al is given a fair bit of mercy in terms of sexual advances. In fact, a swift ‘no’ and Angel doesn’t do it again - unlike most of the other cast [pent’s is covert, husks is overt]. One thing I like is that Angel himself admits to their chemistry (claiming that whilst he thinks Al’s a prick, he thinks Al dislikes him which saddens him as he’d at least like to be friends as he feels they have good chemistry - according to the VA via Hunicast’s 1yr anniversary), there’s no further efforts to jump on his dick but a clear curiosity/interest in what Al can do.  Lets go to the basics, both are of similar age [allegedly in their 30s, though Ive heard Al may be up to mid 40s] as well as created near the same-ISH time (as in, Viv’s oldest characters, at least for HH). Likewise, Viv admitted to knowing fuck all on either of their eras (and to make that public wasn’t really a wise choice BUUUT if you felt the need, it’s better worded with interest “Right now I’m working towards educating myself more on their time periods to improve their portrayals” <-- crucial if yer want that ‘realism’). Because of their real-world ages, Viv confesses they’re her favourites (even if you didnt know, she makes it pretty clear). It could be a nice ‘homage’ to their impact in her life but not too relevant otherwise. It could fulfil the need for self indulgence that she’s unhealthily leaking into the canon - which will ultimately make the series shit. No sugarcoating there.  As for their ages, a relationship can work whether the gap is large or small HOWEVER there are many ethics and conflicts to each. And being an adult into kids is always fucked up. With that being said, studies have shown that closer ages often work better due to the often similarities in mindset, maturity and life goals (older folks are more likely to want to settle, younger often have more ambitions), likewise there tends to be an unbalanced power-dynamic if the ages are too far, which can lead to various types of abuse. Dont get me wrong, being with someone much older (AS LONG AS NONE OF YALL ARE KIDS) very much CAN work - but rarely. There’s much more hardwork needed as well as being in the right mindset for both, otherwise it’s bad. More on that in HD. Long story short, both are closer in age meaning both are more ‘relatable’ to one another. There’s common grounds, even in the eras there’s some higher understanding of one another. Notice how Vaggie and Charlie are similar in age? (Even though Charlie is far older, her appearance and mentality for her race is on par with Vaggie’s, making it far more likely to work out positively) One of the most prominent out of all of this however is their actual interests. So listing; Both like action/chaos/having fun (often at the expense of others), both love cooking and can be food snobs in their own right, both have sadistic AND masochistic tendencies, Al likes performance and theatre whilst Angel loves *to* perform, on that last point Angel was very intrigued and enjoyed Al’s song number/performance naturally, both really enjoy pranks and both enjoy liquor (neither show an actual addiction, but rather an interest in social drinking - no dependencies on it). Again, close eras mean both have a higher probability of understanding the other and their lifestyles better. Both are high on appearance and love themselves, implying self confident mindset (healthy BUT the narcissism isnt) yet enough consideration for how they are viewed. On the parent system, one adores his mama whilst the other hates his pops.  Now Ive gone on about how they’re similar. But similarities ALONE is not enough. If it was, then fandom’s would be a lil more harmonious~ A HEALTHY relationship needs compatibility, POSITIVE conversation flow, common grounds, trust, openness and understanding. Even then, some people click and some just dont. It’s like how you can just hate someone for no reason. It just IS. Common grounds and similarity is scientifically proven to be attractive to someone - be it good or BAD. People are drawn to those like their parents in some way usually, likewise we look for people similar to ourselves (from our interests, to humour, beliefs, goals, etc). Science itself states that ‘opposites attract’ solemnly applies in the real world successfully. Though similiarity plays a large role, there has to be some differences too - that person is STILL an individual separate to yourself. Too similar and it’s boring. Too similar and you’ll do everything together without some ‘you’ time. Both Vaggie and Charlie have similar interests/hobbies in dance and music, yet still have enough differences to be identifiable when together. Vaggie is more grounded than Charlie. Charlie gives some optimism and fun to Vaggie. Remember, a partner does NOT complete you - that’s a toxic mindset when taken too seriously, You complete YOURSELF. Whether you have someone or not, you must feel complete in yourself as to not slip into toxic dependency on a lover - to become them, a shadow of them or feel like you’ve lost your identity without them. Sounds harsh but it’s true. Chaggie compliments each other without a dependency. You stand alone yet uplift one another. You don’t always agree but in the end you always have each other’s backs. Love is often butchered in a toxic light in the media.  So taking that into consideration, how does spideer work? Well, here’s some examples of good, bad and neutral: - Angel loves animals, Al fears/dislikes dogs. Perhaps Angel could assist him in overcoming this? - Al hates being touched, Angel dislikes being squeezed. Maybe this could help them reach an understanding... Or cause a rift? - Angel was the only one to break Al’s composure, either Angel is the *key* to delving further into Al’s more raw self... Or just another obVOXious pest? (yeah, I said it-) - Neither respect other’s boundaries, meaning both may fuel the other to be overly disrespectful in this area. Not good. - Angel is a sarky/sarcastic fuck, Al loves dry humour. Both seek amusement and chaos. In relationships one needs to see how conversation flows and in the hunicasts, both keep up some good as well as toxic banter. Both could roast the fuck out of an opponent however. - Al is acro/ace, Angel is hypersexual (appears like a sex addict - now I say this as his book has a crossed out ‘fun stuff’ with ‘work shit’ written on it. He’s always fixed on sex from his job to his humour), this could either aid Angel ease up on the sex stuff OR make him overly push it onto Al causing major rifts and discomfort (aces can have sex, ref to ace posts that real asexuals put to understand more but no one wants to be forced into sex is the point here). And we’ve already discussed their lack of respect for boundaries. The positive is that maybe this will make Angel understand how Val is rubbing off on his own behaviour towards men [again, more on that in the HD post]. - Both similar yet different in a way that does suit their compatibility chances but that doesnt mean they will click, it just improves the odds. - Both have similar enemies in Val and Vox, they’re on common terms. Likewise, Al is against the ‘sexual deviance’ of hell meaning he may be oddly supportive and protective of Angel in terms of Val. I dont even think his sadism will override this either. - Al dislikes modern tech, Angel seems to use it as his job requires it. A nice little menial difference. - Only ONE is an addict. Take it from an expert, you NEVER put two addicts together. They’re very vulnerable and prone to slipping deeper into their addictions as well as depending on each other too much that they essentially become very clingy, suffocating and toxic to each other. Seen it in action, it’s ugly.  - Both could have a lot of fun and calm moments with each other. - He isn’t immediately smitten with Al but immediately shows a natural interest in Al’s powers and performance, embracing it openly. Leads for a good friendship turned lovers plot. - In Viv’s patreon, she confirmed Angel loves confident guys [sounds exactly like Al] We need to think about where both are mentally. What benefits would a relationship give both? How would they be good and bad for each other? For Al, aside from his outdated views and being a fucking murderer and narcissist, he actually seems in a good mindspace for a relationship IF he opted to be in one. Angel however has a very immature mindset, likewise is in a phase of life where hes bed hopping. IF he were to be in a relationship, I’d say he needs a male equivalent of Cherri - someone with a similar mindset yet some differences, willing to have fun and in touch with their younger side, down to cuddle, open to share and receive love as well as not afraid to publicly be affectionate with him, someone who sees him as more than just for sex, someone fun, someone who’ll let him embrace his cutesy side publicly without shame - Cherri is younger so maybe someone who’s his age or slightly younger perhaps? I think Angel’s not retirement home ready to settle and needs someone on his level that can cuddle and chill as well as feels free and youthful enough to go wild with him. In one sense, he’s got a teen girl sorta mindset (dont put him with a teen though, it’s fuckin weird-). He needs someone positive and raw, someone to let him be himself as well as someone comfortable to be themselves around him. He has a habit of latching onto unobtainable men (in psychology, this is self sabotaging subconsciously): Travis the client, Val a pimp, Husk (emotionally unavailable and needs HEAVY self work - interestingly far more than Angel - plus he’s still onto his last relationship and an addict to gambling and alcohol), Pent who’s the enemy he was currently fighting (inappropriate timing), Alastor who’s not interested in another but his own needs [selfish, VERY bad for a relationship]. Subconsciously he’s self sabotaging on purpose. There’s many psychology books as well as sources online for this, if you’re interested. Either way, Angel is drawn to men either like his father [who dislike him, shun him, or are otherwise cold, abusive or just blatantly dislike or otherwise dont care about him] or anyone with money to fuel his drug addiction/’debt’ to Val. Going with any of these men isn’t a good idea.  Preferably, Angel needs someone who he doesnt immediately crush and obsess over. Someone who he doesnt sexually harass or assault. Someone he can build a connection with quickly that can bud into romance (think how Chaggie started as a friendship which clicked immediately). Maybe even someone he doesn’t expect to fall for but does so anyways. It would be more realistic as Viv wants as well as more healthy. That for once he isnt sex or money craved instantly, thus doesnt sexually harass/assault and is given a proper chance to develop and grow a friendship and love. Someone who isnt an addict.  Someone with an on-par mindset where they click. Someone open to love. For any chance of a good relationship, Angel needs to be with anyone BUT who we’ve already seen. There’s too much toxicity that’ll be swept under the rug and justified otherwise. Too much shit to fuel homophobes in terms of gay stereotypes. Even though Ive focused a fair bit on Angel, it’s NOT just about Angel. That’s something fans forget. Some he depends on or someone who depends on him in the long term wont last and will be very dangerous to both.  Just because you suffer, you dont then deserve to be rewarded with ‘something nice’. You dont get to have everything youve ever wanted. Giving him any of these blokes [minus Val] gives him a pass. Gives him what he wants. I get Viv loves him but life doesnt work that way. True lasting growth comes from learning that. Acceptance and growth. You dont get everything you want and sometimes thats a GOOD thing. He’s not a spoilt kid who gets everything he asks for, he’s YOUR creation. If you really wanted what your creations deserve then you need to research and be realistic with it. Because hes starting to feel like a shitty Gary-Stu at this rate. I live with an ‘Angel Dust’ like person. It used to feel like life gave her everything and most times it did. Everyone loved her and she could get away with murder if she wanted to. But now she’s had to struggle and grow, let go of some ‘wants’ because they werent good for her and she’s becoming better for it. She has a long way but she’s more humble for it now [still got self confidence but it’s less narcissism now, which is more healthy for her]. Also, they make the word anal lol

[sally-mun]

I know I mentioned in another recent post that I really want to get back to doing my “shows,” but before I can get started I have a couple of other things to finish first, one of which is working on zines. The one I’m currently working on is a Ranma ½ zine, and it’s been an interesting experience -- both because of working on the zine itself, and because of my own history with this series.

That’s right, it’s time for another rip-roarin’ Sally-mun ramble!

My first encounter with Ranma ½ was on my 15th birthday. A friend of mine, one of the only other anime fans I knew because it was still relatively unknown in the US, got me the second graphic novel, which is as much as had been officially translated at the time. Going into the story with no context was confusing to say the least, but it also intrigued me enough to look up whatever info I could find on the few stray bits of internet that covered the series, and it was enough to get me hooked.

That said, I also had kind of a difficult time being a fan, because I honestly didn’t like Ranma himself. Like, at all. I found it confusing that the author would write the protagonist to be so blatantly and outwardly unlikable, and as a result I found myself just sort of looking past him and trying to follow the lives of the other characters. I was appalled at the sort of things he would say to Akane; his constant jabbing that she’s not cute, she’s stupid, no one will ever like her because she’s a tomboy, his frequent judgements of her body... I gotta say, they really resonated with me. I couldn’t help putting myself in Akane’s shoes, and in a weird way I felt personally hurt by his insults. I really admired Akane’s strength and the fact that she never let his bullying get to her, because I know it probably would’ve destroyed me. And this is just the way he treats her; I was equally uncomfortable with the way Ranma antagonizes and harasses several other characters in the series as well. I loved the series and I enjoyed following it, but there was always this uneasy feeling inside of me anytime Ranma opened his mouth.

The last time I read or watched this series was probably in my early 20′s. I worked really hard to track down all the DVD seasons (which were exceptionally rare and expensive at the time), and once I completed my set, I felt such a relief and satisfaction that I put the story down and, it turns out, I hadn’t picked it up again since. It’s been a decade or so since I was actively engaging with this series, so when I got accepted to work on this Ranma ½ zine, I’ll admit that there was a part of me that felt a mild degree of panic. Yes, I’m still a fan, but I’m not very deep in the weeds right now; I honestly wasn’t even sure if I could decently write the characters, including and especially Ranma himself. In fact, I realized, I didn’t want to write about Ranma. I didn’t want to write about a character that I probably wouldn’t willingly spend time with in real life.

In the end, however, none of that mattered, because I signed on with this zine and I needed to be an adult and honor that commitment. Since it’s been such a long time since I’ve read or watched this series anyway, I decided to binge on the anime again for the first time in all these years. And this is why I’m writing this long-ass post tonight, because even though I’m only a couple seasons in right now, I have been absolutely shocked to find that my perspective on this story has completely changed. My teenage self can’t even believe I’m saying this, but I seem to have switched sides. I now find Ranma extremely sympathetic, and Akane to be the bully.

Although there is still a part of me that feels for her when Ranma really digs in with his insults, it pales in comparison to how upset I get with Akane over her treatment of Ranma. The fact that she’ll purposefully go as far out of her way as possible to paint Ranma as a jerk is honestly something that’s interfering with my enjoyment of the show. She does have her nice moments here and there, but if any opportunity arises for Akane to scream about Ranma doing something allegedly reprehensible, she’ll take it -- no matter how many people point out the very simple and innocent alternate explanations.

With Akane relentlessly campaigning against him, it honestly comes as no surprise anymore that Ranma snaps at her and antagonizes her. It’s about all he can do to vent his frustrations sometimes, and if she’s going to depict him as a jerk no matter what, he may as well let off some steam in the process. Ranma’s situation is difficult enough just having to deal with his curse, but then to also get forcefully engaged to someone who intentionally sees the worst in him? If anything, I’m now surprised at how much he holds back. He could easily be as nasty to her as she is to him, but he actually takes it kind of easy on her, all things considered. And don’t forget, he rarely gets a break from her; they not only live together, but also go to school together. They’re in each other’s faces all the time. I’m pretty sure I’d have had a few choice things to say to her too if I were in his shoes.

It’s even more frustrating when you consider that she doesn’t even have a good reason TO be treating him this way. This all started because of a mishap that was nobody’s fault. Ranma’s not at fault, Akane’s not at fault, NO ONE is at fault here. Ranma had no reason to believe that anyone (let alone Akane) would walk in on him getting out of the bath, and Akane had no reason to think a boy would be in there. I’m sure she felt embarrassed and violated and wronged, and I DO feel for her in that regard, but that is not his fault. If, IF, IF we’re going to assign fault to anyone, it could honestly only be hers, because one could argue that Akane could’ve at least knocked or announced herself prior to joining Ranma (as a female) in the bath. Furthermore, she doesn’t even acknowledge that this mishap went both ways, as Ranma points out himself that she got a good long look at him, too. He was just as exposed as she was, but she immediately disregards his point and tells him “it’s different when a girl sees a boy,” whatever that means.

Akane is too stubborn to admit to herself that she’s the only one you even could assign blame to, too hypocritical to acknowledge that she wasn’t the only victim, and too immature to just let the damn thing go. It’s a really bad mix that becomes the driving force behind her relationship with him from day one. Akane wants retribution for the crime she’s convinced herself that Ranma committed, so she INSISTS that he’s a no-good pervert because she’s mad that no one was on her side that day. If she couldn’t convince them then, then by god she’s going to convince them eventually, which is why she just will not fucking stop trying to paint Ranma as a perverted jerk. She takes any opportunity she gets to show off his allegedly bad intentions, because to her it’s just another step closer to getting people to see she really was justified on that first day. And Ranma is forced to keep tolerating this, day in and day out, regardless of what he does or doesn’t do.

So what does all this mean?

I think this means that this series is exceptionally well-written, more than anything. At the time that I first discovered this series, I was only marginally younger than Akane herself. I related to her so strongly that I was only capable of seeing the situation from her side, and only able to relate to her emotions and her experiences. As I stated in the beginning, I felt like Ranma’s insults hurt me personally, rather than just empathizing with Akane for him hurting her. This tells me that, for all of her faults, Akane is exceptionally on-point for a girl in her mid-teens. Yes, she’s being immature and petty and unreasonable, but she’s also only 16. That’s how we are at that age, and sometimes it’s easy to forget about that once you grow past it. Teenage years are that shitty point in your life where you feel like you’re so sure that you’ve FINALLY got everything figured out, when in reality you aren’t even capable of understanding the depth of how much you don’t know. Akane holds her grudge against Ranma because she’s so sure she’s right, and she’s determined to find validation for that if it’s the last thing she does, because that’s how most of us viewed the world at 16.

But that’s one of the things that makes my revisit to this series so extraordinary: Akane’s not able to grow and change, but I am. I’ll never be able to view the series the same way I did as a teenager, because I’ve had so many new experiences and so much time to grow since then. I can certainly remember the point of view I had and why, but I’ll never actually have that same view again. I’ve learned so much more about the world, about people and relationships, about morals and ethics... all kinds of things that she can’t, because she’s necessarily frozen in time as a character in a story. Akane doesn’t get to evolve with her readers over the years, and it makes for a fascinating snapshot of where I was mentally and emotionally at that time.

I think the biggest and most critical difference between then and now is my self-esteem. When I first connected with this series, I had basically no love for myself and no confidence that anyone else would ever see anything valuable in me. I was in a place where it was not only very easy for words to hurt me, but for those words to stick with me, sometimes for years after the fact. Ranma, despite simply being a character in a book, was effortlessly able to hurt me on a particularly deep level because that’s how delicate I was at the time of reading it. He hurt me so much that I was completely unable to see his point of view; all I could see was someone being cruel for seemingly no reason, and as such I saw Akane’s treatment of him as completely justified.

20 years later, however, it now reads as a completely different story. I don’t share Akane’s kneejerk reaction to these situations anymore, and I’m more focused on thought process and reasoning. I’m more able to recognize when I’m missing information and need to investigate more, more accountable for when I’ve done something wrong, and more willing to let small things go. Hell, I have a better understanding of what “small things” even are. When I was Akane’s age, none of the incidents happening in the story seemed like small things, but now? Now I just don’t have time for that kind of minutia. It’s... wait for it... childish. Because teenagers are still children, no matter how much we didn’t want to admit it at that time.

But that’s part of the genius of how this series is written. Not only did I instantly fall into the same mental trap as Akane when I WAS her age, but now that I’m not anymore, I look back on it as just kids getting wrapped up in their microcosm of the world. No matter how much I get frustrated at Akane for being horrible to Ranma, I can’t not admit to myself that she’s not an adult yet, so in some way it’s me being the unreasonable one by trying to hold her to adult expectations. She’s still got a lot to learn because she’s still just a kid. I literally used to be just like her at one point in my life. If I was able to mature past that sort of behavior, then I’d like to think that, if Akane were able to age, then she probably would one day too.

[doktorpeace]

🖊 please introduce us to Erato, I know they're in a masks campaign but I have no idea what else

Oh, gosh, I feel like I talk about them too much as is but I can’t say I’m not glad to have the excuse. This is gonna be really long cause tbh I’m just gonna dump like, a bunch of their lore lmao.

Erato is my Masks: A New Generation character in a campaign being played alongside @twerkyvulture (As Amanda ‘Megafauna’ Ghorbani, The Transformed) @draayder (as Josephine ‘Rattlesnake’ Short, The Reformed) @spitblaze (as Les ‘Void’ Hawking, The Doomed) @heedra (as Enid ‘Frag Beetle’ Day, The Scion) and @skarchomp (as Parker ‘Cobalt’ Andrews, The Legacy) with @dykeceratops as our GM. The current arc features @mechanicalriddle as Zoe, The Nova as a guest member. Here’s a group shot done by @tredlocity. Clockwise from the top left: Cobalt in blue, Erato in the track suit, Les in the cloak, Zoe with the mismatched eyes, Enid’s the big robot, Amanda’s got the scales and claws, and Josephine’s got the mask and tonfa.

To get back to Erato specifically though they’re an Anti Metahuman/Metahuman Suppression Weapon created by the in universe tech group Wright Industries, founded by Ingrid Day, Enid’s mom. They’re generally stronger, faster, and more durable than humans and can copy the superpowers of others for 5-10 minutes by touching them thanks to what is basically a meta-stem cell transplant interacting with other parts of their systems. (Also, I 100% swear to god that I did not consider ‘Robot Hero Who Copies The Powers Of Others’ is literally fucking Mega Man despite loving Mega Man a ton until after I had hashed out the concept with my GM’s assistance. Only once Abby said ‘oh like mega man’ I was like ‘wait, shit’.) I’ll tell you some about them as a person before unloading their history onto you, lol. Being an android built for combat and kept in an underground research lab, kept on a rigid schedule, constantly taking tests, physical, mental, written, oral, ethical, etc. etc. etc. and under constant supervision Erato lacked for real interactive experience before the campaign started only really ever getting to takl with authority figures and their sisters. They were very passive and observational, owing in part to their power set requiring a lot of adaptation to make the most of. They’re naive and very bad at exercising discretion in decision making, sometimes they overstep boundaries when talking with people without meaning to, and they’re really emotional! They have trouble dealing with strong emotions cause they haven’t managed to discover coping mechanisms that work well for them, they tend to get angry kind of easily and need time to blow off steam. But they’re also very genuine, honest, and well meaning. They are almost never mean, rude, or snippy, they do their best to do well by others, and have a strong sense of justice paired with a deep distrust and dislike of the current legal system in universe. This is in part due to the conditions of their creation (and in part because the intent behind it was kind of right!) and in part due to Enid’s life being threatened by a representative of the state while they and their teammates were in jail after being arrested following a huge brawl with an anti-methuman terrorist group. They’re also very willing to put forth the effort to improve as a person and to mend relationship wounds, almost always apologizing first to Enid when they fight and genuinely trying to work in advice and feedback they get from others, which they often get from Les and Parker. They’re also relatively educated, from the tests of their creators, from home and public schooling, from personal research, but that doesn’t undo their naivety. They also just straight up lack some very basic and/or common sense knowledge. Like, they don’t know what a bear is. Why would you teach a battle android working in a densely populated, extremely built up city about wild animals? All in all they’re kind of inexperienced and immature and make mistakes a lot but they’re (usually) very willing to admit their mistakes and to try and improve and get better. They genuinely and truly want what’s best for others and are learning to value them self as much as their teammates. They’ve also taken it upon them self to start doing humanitarian work in their free time over the summer. In a fight Erato is adaptive and quick witted but tends to put themself in more danger than is necessary. They also sometimes use more extreme force than the others believe is called for, but after the first time they did they and Parker had a real heart to heart about it, Les helped Erato learn and practice some coping, centering, behaviors they could do even under pressure and Erato did their best to adapt. That said they Fucking Hate The Keeper So God Damned Much Because Of How Much Suffering He’s Caused Their Friends And How Much Danger He Presents And Would Kill Him With No Remorse. So they don’t intend to apologize for ripping his arms off whatsoever. They and their sisters, collectively known as The Muse Units, were made to work as a group and as a proof of concept that atomized units could replace traditional police for use against metahuman criminals and to slowly phase out The Registry, the legal department which handles general metahuman based laws. If successful the units could be mass produced and improved upon, rapidly replacing current, error prone, law enforcement. At the time of their development, between late 1999 for blueprint drafting and until mid 2002 when the project was shut down, they were the cutting edge for AI development aided in no small part by Ingrid’s technokinetic powers allowing her to make advancements few others could. (As a note Erato’s body was finished being built in early 2001 but their unique personhood didn’t really come to fruition until February 18th, 2002, so that’s what I consider their ‘birthday’.) Ultimately, however, while a few of the Muses excelled some did not perform to expectations, the project fell behind schedule, investors lost interest, and a minor scandal involving a casualty happened, resulting in the project being shut down. The Muses were placed in indefinite storage, the data gained from their short existence used on other projects such and some of the tech advancements used to inform future decisions by the company. And it would have stayed that way, if not for the fact that in 2018 Ingrid Day was revealed to be The Locust in a conflict where Enid tried to defend her against a militia group who had been hired to take her down, being shot and presumably killed in the process. As The Locust she had been terrorizing Boston for over a decade trying to take it over and being involved in the deaths of over 70 people. (Which irl btw would make her like, the 8th most prolific confirmed serial killer of all time, Yikes!) Wright Industries, desperately needing to prove their hard stance against metahuman criminals and needing a PR stunt to deflect from their connection to their former CEO re-awakened Erato. They weren’t the most powerful or best performing of the Muses, but they were above average, obedient, and had an easy enough to monitor and control power set with little risk for property damage to boot, the perfect choice. Erato then took to the streets of Boston acting basically as a vigilante, following orders, stopping minor crimes, and sometimes working alongside the police. They attracted the attention of The Viceroy, a semi-retired 56 year old hero who never registered in spite of it being compulsory legally. They both have the ability to copy the powers of others, though he can just by sight, and he has body elasticity too. These make him durable and extremely adaptable, add to that his detective skills and he’s something of a local Boston legend. He took them in as his Protégé. Though they remained distant for quite some time with Erato still coming and going between his place and Wright Industries, having promised not to reveal his assistance to the doctors who Erato reported their work to. It was this way for about a year and a half before the campaign started and Erato began living with Viceroy full time, no longer wanting to go back to Wright Industries as they began to think more independently and consider what they wanted for them self more. During this time Erato had chance encounters with each of the other characters a few times as they also did minor vigilante work, peaking with a villain who is a member of Superhuman, an extremist pro-metahuman group, attacked the school that Josephine, Les, and Amanda all attend. After that incident Erato was prompted by Viceroy to contact each of these other young potential heroes to form a team, The Upstarts. Additionally during this time Viceroy took in Enid who had been abandoned by her biological father and had been getting bounced around foster care. Over time the three of them have become kind of a weird family, living in a warehouse full of cats with a couple of bedrooms grafted on and an ultra secret basement lair underneath full of advanced stuff Viceroy makes. Though Erato and Enid have definitely had their ups and down, more recently in the story (and we’ve been doing this campaign for well over a year now) they’ve been putting in serious effort to better their relationship and be good adoptive siblings to one another. I love their relationship a lot, they’re good kids.

That gets us up to the start of the campaign but hoo boy, I’ve been writing for like, an hour now. Since then Erato’s helped take down a nazi-aligned terrorist organization, they’ve got a boyfriend in their teammate, Les, and they’ve made friends outside of their core group of teammates. They’ve also enrolled in school doing well on some classes and poorly in others, namely learning how to Code and Woodworking. Currently they’re at a sleep away summer camp for superpowered kids called Camp Justice, about 10 miles outside of Boston. They really, really hate it there. Constant supervision, being made to do tests, things scheduled out against their will, inability to leave the area? Yeah that certainly reminds them of something. The difference between it and school, which does share these features, is they wanted to go to school. They very much Did Not want to go to camp. As a result they’re finally going to have to start facing the trauma they’ve got from their origin and also actually tell the others other than Les and Amanda about their sisters. Whiiiiich...Enid saw one of them disassembled and showed off in parts at a school science fair display set up by Wright Industries to gauge interest in students. And she hasn’t mentioned this to Erato...for 4 months Uh Oh! Lastly, here’s my tag I use mostly for art I make of them, it includes some texts posts and picrew dumps too though, lol. Feel free to look!

[iamnojedii]

19. Give us a headcanon about your muse that you never shared to anyone else or wanting to explore deeper. 

@pryceism​

I don’t think I have one that I haven’t shared in some way, but the one I’ve talked about the least I vaguely mentioned here, because I see discrepancy in eye color between Clone Wars and Rebels and canon is my playground. Strap in because in this essay I actually will--

Deep Force Lore™ is one of my favorite things about Star Wars, and in both series we get to see aspects of the Force in balance and out of balance, and plenty of debate on what balance actually means. In Clone Wars we meet the Mortis gods who are literal personifications of the light and the dark and the balance. In Rebels, we meet the Bendu, who - when referred to as a Force-wielder - says:

The Jedi and Sith wield the Ashla and Bogan, the light and the dark. I’m the one in the middle, the Bendu.

Which is super cool, because there’s a lot canonized in that one scene. Also Bendu’s views on conflict are pretty interesting, because he helps the protagonists at times, but it’s more like...nudging someone to make their own choices and not being bothered one way or the other what happens to them; when petitioned for help against the invading Empire, he unleashes a terrible storm that threatens the lives of both the Imperials and the rebels.

BUY ANYWAY-- Ahsoka’s eyes.

They’re a completely different shade of blue by the time we get to the years leading up to the Galactic Civil War. Even Ahsoka’s Force vision of her future self has the same eye color as she does during the Clone Wars era (also no striations to her montrals/lekku, but that’s another Sarah Essay™ for another time). Why the change? Animation differences aside, Ahsoka’s skin and stripe coloring on her montrals and lekku are exactly the same. What changed is Ahsoka’s concentrated focus/relationship with the Force and how she uses it.

Ahsoka’s always been a naturally gifted Force-user even from a young age. Her abilities have always been described to be “advanced”, and we’ve seen her use mind tricks and force choke-slam Trandoshans and stall Nu-class attack shuttles mid-flight and shut off lightsabers by dampening their energy with the Force, but she also has some interesting stuff going on beyond that.

First being what went down on Mortis: her death and resurrection due to The Daughter’s lifeforce being transferred to her. We’ve seen very little of what that implies, outside of the convor bird, Morai, following Ahsoka wherever she goes, which is described in Rebels as “a servant of The Daughter, or The Daughter herself when acting as a spirit guide.” Also, I love the on-the-nose implications of Morai’s namesake regarding Greek mythology.

Another thing that’s important and something that’s repeatedly been driven home throughout Clone Wars is the contradictions within Ahsoka herself that lend themselves to the dark side. Which brings me to the second point; Malachor in Rebels.

Malachor is home to a Sith temple, which...okay, that’s bad, but I like how Dave Filoni talks about the symbolism and dichotomy of that temple:

When the characters are above ground, it’s daylight and they’re looking down at a black surface. When they are below, it’s nighttime and they’re looking up at what seem to be stars.  The design elements were important to reinforce the concepts of night and day, light and dark, life and death. Those things are part of Malachor’s DNA and its architecture.

Which is pretty on par with all the themes of Twilight of the Apprentice but also important to what ends up happening to Ahsoka at the end of her confrontation with Vader. She descends into the depths of the Sith temple, through the same ‘exit’ we saw Maul and Ezra emerge from. You know, the one Maul was all Rule of Two-ing Ezra about in regards to how to navigate the temple. We don’t really know what happened after that aside from some Topps digital card art that Filoni did, where he talks about her journey from the realm of the dead to the realm of the living, but it’s safe to say she navigated that temple alone with Morai as a kind of spiritual guide. I also think it’s safe to say that, similar to Jedi temples, Sith temples can be just as “tricky” in terms of having various pathways they can lead an individual down. A rebirth can be just as much of a death as a new form of life, which is pointed out to Ahsoka by Bendu:

BENDU: Understand this, much will change as a result of this encounter. AHSOKA: Isn’t that true of all things, as time advances? BENDU: My dear, when I say change, I mean death. AHSOKA: So I will die? BENDU: Will you? I didn’t know that. Goodbye then, Ahsoka Tano, former Jedi Knight.

Ahsoka, at her core, is a good person. Much of what drives and motivates Ahsoka is doing the right thing-- as she sees it. We all know people can believe something wrong is something right, and I don’t think Ahsoka is exactly averse to using less-than-upstanding means to accomplish a goal (see: using Darth Maul as a fatal distraction to help ensure her and Rex’s escape, being totally chill with ordering others to use violent means to get information out of targets, being totally chill observing others using violence as a means to a ‘good’ end-- seen predominantly in her apprenticeship to Anakin). All of these things aren’t exactly good actions or decisions, but she justifies them because they’re being done to achieve something she deems as good or righteous. Ahsoka is someone who is not above revenge and seeking vengeance for her loved ones or for wrongs committed to others/her ideals. This is a textbook un-Jedi way of thought, more in line with someone who leans towards the darker aspects of the Force. That being said, Ahsoka isn’t someone who seeks power, not for herself or over others. She isn’t cruel, no matter how ruthless her actions can come across. She’s not entirely selfless, but she’s not consumed by the concept of self.

Ahsoka’s relationship with the Force is parallel to her own personal moral compass. Her white lightsabers are perfect reflection of that. True Neutral. She has no affiliation with the Jedi, but she also holds no leanings towards Sith ideology either.

Lucasfilm story person Matt Martin, when asked about the concept of “Gray Jedi”, tweeted about how a Force user who wields both light and dark aspects of the Force can’t do so without consequences. I find that interesting, because it’s not a “that’s not possible” answer, just a “sure, but there’s a price to pay” answer. Which I vibe with.

We already know that the Force at its extremes has a visible affect on the users body (and sometimes mind). We’ve mostly seen this in Sith and other dark side users, predominately yellow/red eyes and sometimes actual degradation of the users body (gross). But we’ve also seen this in other beings. The Bendu? The mystic space moose talking about residing firmly in the middle of the Force who can control the weather and open Sith holocrons like it’s no big deal? He’s blind. So Ahsoka, someone who has a powerful connection to The Daughter, someone whose moral compass can justify ethically muddled choices for a righteous cause, sees a visible mark indicating her relationship with the Force: indigo eyes.

Some of my favorite quotes from the Ahsoka novel sum up her relationship with the Force very nicely, I think:

A sharp whine reached Ahsoka’s ears, the dark and light song of the crystals struggling for balance.... When Ahsoka opened her hands, she was not surprised to find that two lightsabers, rough and unfinished, were waiting. They would need more work, but they were hers. When she turned them on, they shone the brightest white.

BAIL: I’ve never seen white ones before. AHSOKA: They used to be red. When the creature had them, they were red. But I heard them before I ever saw him on Raada, and knew that they were meant for me. BAIL: You changed their nature? AHSOKA: I restored them. I freed them.

BAIL: In this fight, there will be people like Barriss who are focused on the past. And there will be people who focus strongly on the future. Neither of them is wrong, exactly, but even if we don’t always walk the same path as one another, ours must be the middle road. AHSOKA: [Ahsoka smiled] That’s what I thought when I was trying to find the crystals that power my lightsabers.... I want something in the middle of that, still useful but different than before.

[sineala]

Hi! You often metion in your comic books posts, that Tony is often put into the "bad guy" postion. What's his status now? Hero? Anti hero? Villain? And why do the writers do this? From the stories about comic book's civil war or the mindwipe situation one really starts to wonder if he will ever be a straightforward "good guy" again, without any gray morality involved.

This was a very interesting question! Thank you for asking! I think there are a few different issues at work here. (Under a Read More because I get a little grumpy about current canon.)

I would say that Tony is – setting aside for the moment runs like Superior Iron Man – still a hero. If you pick up an Iron Man comic, you are going to see Tony saving lives, because basically at the end of the day he still wants to help people. Granted, he’s more of an ends-justify-the-means kind of guy, which is why he will make decisions that Captain America would never make, but ultimately he does what he does because he believes that what he is doing is going to help the most people and harm the fewest. It’s not like you’re picking up… I don’t know, Deadpool or The Punisher or something like that. They haven’t changed that much about him.

One issue is that Tony’s personality as well as the stories they tend to give him often end up with him being put in some kind of adversarial role. We all know that he is basically his own worst enemy, and so when writers are trying to give Tony some kind of interesting narrative arc, one they often pick is basically “a loss of autonomy for Tony leads to terrible consequences.” So he gets drinking arcs – Demon in a Bottle, O'Neil’s run, Avengers Disassembled, Fear Itself. And in a more-superhero vein, he gets mind-controlled into hurting or killing people – Vor/Tex, The Crossing, Execute Program, Superior Iron Man. Or his tech turns on him and hurts people – LMDs, the Sentient Armor, and so on. So it’s easy, really, to look at this guy who can’t stand himself most of the time anyway and think, “I bet he would really hate it if he couldn’t control himself and he hurt people.” And one way to write that story is to make him a villain. At least temporarily.

Another issue is with the differing status of Tony in his solo books versus Tony in event books or making cameo appearances in other titles more generally. An event like Civil War is created by a whole lot of people – especially once you count the tie-ins – and not all of these people are really into writing Tony; possibly they are not even very familiar with his character. And I get the impression that these events are also very hard to coordinate at the editorial level, because they will often characterize the same character in very different ways, or have them do things in one book that are contradicted in another. Honestly, he comes off pretty badly in any Civil War book that is not his own tie-ins, The Confession, or Casualties of War. But which of them is the real Tony? All of them? Some of them? You pick! (Civil War II is a mess and literally no character looked good in it and it still makes no sense. Ugh. I think they were just like “here are some popular characters, let’s randomly assign sides.”)

However, I think that the mindwipe situation is different, because that was one extended story, the work of a single writer. I don’t think it was a great thing for Tony to do to Steve, no, but I can absolutely see it as an outgrowth of his generally extremely evident control issues that have been a big part of his personality since about the time of Armor Wars (or earlier, if you’d like to hypothesize that the alcoholism has some interaction with the control issues). He wants to have all the options on the table and he doesn’t want Steve telling him what to do. It’s a lousy thing to do to Steve, sure, but I can believe it from the guy who was pro-Registration because it was better than the alternative and him running it was better than anyone else. Tony’s mindset in Hickman’s run seemed to basically be that he was doing exactly what was necessary. So, I mean, if you don’t like it, you don’t like it, but I feel like at least Hickman put some thought into it.

And I think, finally, that a lot of the change in Tony’s character has to do with… well, the fact that one of his key traits is Being Really Rich. He was created back in 1963 as, essentially, capitalist propaganda, back when generally America was much more in favor of things like the military-industrial complex. I mean, okay, he’s a rich defense contractor who spends a whole lot of his early issues being the benevolent face of capitalism smashing the Communists over and over. And even when he’s not fighting, he’s being a Good Boss; he demonstrates a lot of caring and devotion to his employees on a personal level, and you can trust that he is just a really good guy who has a lot of money and genuinely wants to use his money to do good in the world. All the way up through… oh, about the mid-90s… we see him engaged in serious amounts of philanthropy. We see him actually, on panel, helping people out.

And now, well… I guess either billionaires don’t do that, or we don’t believe they could want to do that, or we all hate defense contractors now or late-stage capitalism has betrayed us all and now when we think of billionaires we can only picture Jeff Bezos probably diving into a swimming pool of money like Scrooge McDuck, or something.  Because Tony’s not really like he used to be anymore. Because – okay, I guess here is my Unpopular Opinion on comics – I feel like the way Tony is being written lately (say, Fraction’s run onwards) is really more of the writers’ “this is what I would do if I had a billion dollars!” fantasizing than trying to portray Tony as someone who primarily wants to be ethical with his billions of dollars. And so we’re getting “Tony sleeps with a lot of women because he is rich and he can!” and “here is Tony at his awesome climbing wall just because!” and “here he is with his gigantic ego that he apparently has now, that all his friends comment on, because he is rich and obviously full of himself!” and to me it just seems like… well, like a power fantasy in the way that superhero comics are power fantasies, but this one is a wealth fantasy and not just a “I wish I could punch people through walls” fantasy which I guess is a fantasy that some people have? I know, I know, I don’t know why I’m here sometimes either.

So I feel like sometimes the writers look at Tony and just say, “Aha, he is a rich guy, and I need a rich guy in my plot to do rich guy things!” and these days rich guys are kind of shady, culturally, and so that’s why you get things that sort of make sense right up until you wonder why Tony is the one doing them because Tony Would Never. (Like, he’s a member of the Hellfire Club! Does that seem like even remotely his thing?)

I hope that helps answer your question? I don’t know if that made any sense.

[rousseaubsc2b]

Date Night In

Sherlock went on a date, and John and I stayed in.

John sat down at the desk with a bowl of rice and beans and I fixed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We'd talked earlier about frying some fish, but my blood sugar decided to drop as soon as I made it in and I needed to eat fast. I even had a snack late this afternoon... oh well.

"So," he mentioned as I sat down across from him. "Can you give me a little more insight on what's been going through your mind today?"

I took a bite and sighed. Think think think. "Well... basically what I told you before I left work. It's entirely too obvious that my body is on board with this." I had to laugh. John made a face in agreement, something of a well, yes, very much so. "And my heart... but then my brain goes, wait. You don't understand what you're getting into here."

"Okay."

He knows I don't make eye contact. It's a thing. He doesn't make me, and I tend to look all over when we talk. Right now his spoon is fascinating. "And... it's right."

"All right." A slow nod, he purses his lips. "Tell me more?" It's not so much of a question as it is him asking if I'm able to at the moment.

And John is an extremely patient listener. He gives me time to think and put my words together. He sees me look halfway across the room at something entirely irrelevant.

I am so lucky.

"My brain goes... Is this how you wanted this to be? If you do this, this way, this time in your life, are you going to regret it later? And I've done some reading, it's likely. But then on the way home, while I was driving, it kind of crept into the forefront of my mind."

He looked up. Did not speak a word.

"My body wants its hormones appeased. My heart wants you. My brain wants forever."

A single nod.

"I'm still thinking. I've got something to say, it just won't come together for me in a way you can understand."

"Take your time."

I heard the clock ticking behind me. "I do this thing in my head where I... walk myself through situations in order to better understand them, to figure out how to prepare for it, kind of a rehearsal. And I've... had a little experience in this realm, I suppose, and what happened was... I need all three of those things to do well. Especially the brain part."

I'd confused him at least a little, but he was trying to follow.

"My body is happy, yes. My heart is happy in a relationship. But when that person walks away... and I'm not saying that you are, I'm saying I don't know. It's an unknown right now. I can't help that. So, hypothetically, what if, you know. But with my ex boyfriend... that's what messed me up."

"You two were intimate?"

"We, um... we did some things. And I was upset that he got to do that with me and then leave me. It was... emotionally, it took me a while to process, and I can say that I've put it behind me now. I was sixteen at the time, and I was very attached to him. But I don't like the way that made me feel in the end, not at all. And that emotion I really don't have a word for."

"Okay." His bowl was nearly empty now, and I took the moment of silence to eat part of my sandwich. "So, can I ask, Emma -- are you a virgin?"

"Yes."

"Okay. I thought you might be."

"Is it... that... obvious?"

"Um... Well... maybe a bit. But I will say this, and hear me out. You're very mature about it, and I think that's significant for a couple of reasons."

"Okay."

"One, and you may know this already, but your mind... With autism, it's pretty common for someone to come across as younger than they actually are, and you do. Until you told me, I had no idea you were in your thirties, I would have guessed mid-twenties."

"I get told I look like I'm twenty four all the time."

"You look younger, and your mind -- for whatever reason, whether it's how your brain is wired or if it's an effect of the social aspect of autism -- is "younger" than those of other people your age. I don't know if you've come across that."

"I never really had much common mental ground with my peers in school, especially in my teens. I was just... not on their level. A lot of it was social, a lot of it was anxiety."

"Right. You're working with an entirely different operating system. They're all running Windows and you've got a Mac. And in terms of the incidence of autism, that's not too far off the mark. Anyway, what I was getting at -- I swear, I'll get there eventually -- "

I laughed. It made him smile.

"--One, your brain is younger than normal, and two, with that in mind, you are very emotionally mature about sex. And I find that extremely significant."

I must have given him my puzzled look.

"Because you've gone through all this in your head. You know how your emotions react in certain situations now, you know what you don't want to happen... and... you know what you want in a relationship. Actually, at this point, I don't think want is a strong enough word -- you know what you need, like you said, to do well. To feel safe."

I was thinking. It all felt a bit emotional to me, and I tried hard not to retreat from this. What he said was important and it was truthful, and it told me that he understood. Maybe he understood more than I did. In university once, a professor in one of our pedagogy classes handed us all our evaluation folders, and I opened mine to find a note someone had written about how I had been having mental health problems. We were supposed to be looking at the tests we'd taken, but I couldn't bear to even open mine. I felt exactly the same right now, sitting here across from my boyfriend -- afraid to open that folder, to hear what he'd figured out about me. Afraid to read someone's notes about why I'd made a failing grade.

In some corner of my brain, though, I knew I had no reason to be afraid. A very small corner that said, He's not like the others. He gets you. He's not leaving you.

But what if he does?

John must have noticed I'd zoned out or stopped listening or something, and he reached over to touch my hand. "Emma?"

I hadn't realised I was crying. "Oh God," I wiped my eyes under my glasses. "I'm sorry, I just... I had a... flashback to something."

"You okay?"

I nodded hastily. You don't need my emotional trivia, I promise.

"Tell me those three things you figured out again, walk me through that."

"My hormones, which are completely out of control."

He counted off on his fingers. One. "Biological needs."

"My heart. I love you."

Two. "I love you too. Emotional needs."

"My brain. It wants forever."

Three. "Commitment." I nodded. "You want me, forever."

"Yes."

The way John smiled... his eyes smiled too. They don't do that very often, but I've seen it a couple more times recently. This time, they really smiled. 

"And I mean that," I said, and suddenly the verbal flood opened up. "I'm Catholic, we don't do divorce. Once you marry me -- that's it. You're stuck with me. For good. That's what I want. I want one person to love and do amazing things in bed with, forever. Because the thought of... that not being the case... I-I-I can't do that emotionally. That stuff... emotionally bonds you to someone. It's incredibly strong, and it feels like... like some kind of violation when it's broken. I can't do that, and I won't. It's too much."

Now he smiled like he knew something I didn't. John picked up his phone and searched for something. I watched him. Ate another bite of my sandwich.

"Remember what I said about no pressure," he said, looking up at me without moving his head. "Tell me one thing, though, just out of curiosity: at this point, right now, with everything we've talked about, do you consider yourself emotionally ready for a sexual relationship with someone?"

"Oh, hell no."

He chuckled under his breath, but he smiled too. "Okay." Still looking for something. "Now, put all of that to the side."

"All of it."

"Every bit. Now think about this."

He turned his phone over in both hands and showed me a picture of a ring. Two, actually. Wedding band, too. Simple but very elegant, silver, solitaire with an understated-but-not-plain band. Not gaudy. And a lab diamond, like I'd said I wanted. Diamonds may be other girls' best friends but they're also ungodly expensive and are usually mined under questionable ethical conditions; I'd decided many years ago that a diamond was just not something I wanted the responsibility of keeping up with and/or possibly losing. I couldn't find my car keys if they didn't have a tracker on them. Expensive jewelry did not seem like a wise life choice.

My heart decided to try to run a marathon. I do not take responsibility for the reactions of my face in that moment, it was completely autonomous from the rest of me. "Is that it?"

John bit his lower lip. "Maybe."

I took his phone and looked closer. "Oh, you've pegged me."

Without missing a beat, he murmured, "It'll be here Tuesday."

I must have screamed, because Mrs Hudson came upstairs in quite the hurry.

--Emma

[cyrelia-j]

A Tale of Two Parmaks (or the big write up on my crazy versions)

In thinking of multiverse and character stuff, I thought this would be a good opportunity to familiarize everyone with the two big versions of Parmak that I write. He isn’t super fleshed out in the books, but I think that there’s still somewhat of a consensus on defining character traits both physical and mental/intellectual/emotional that make up the heart of him. I know that in both my primary iterations of him there are some characteristics which diverge sharply from what most people imagine he’d look like/think like/act like. There are a few short things I’ve written where I think he remains “canon” Parmak but those are definitely the minority.

So, without further ado, may I present:

C132 Parmak and C147 Parmak

(Yeah, I totally ripped off Rick and Morty for this)

The idea for those not familiar with the show is that there are various multiverses where alternate versions of the world/characters exist. It’s a pretty common theme in sci fi but I took the universe designation format from that show. Just as a reference, in the show it’s generally accepted that the “Primary Universe” characters are C137 so I definitely will not be using that number :)

C132 Parmak: This Parmak appears in my serious and dark/dramatic stories. I’m working on an ambitious series of backstories for his life in this universe. Right now these start with “If” and are going to continue through [upcoming as of 5/24/18] “The Downward Spiral” and others. Parmak in these stories is intersex- having characteristics of both sexes. In this universe I had envisioned Cardassia as having a detailed spectrum of sexes (Known as the Ba’zan Spectrum) which range from what we would approximate from Cis Male at one end to Cis Female on the other. I won’t get too detailed with that in this post but as a note, Parmak is “X210” which means that his primary body characteristics skew slightly female in appearance (ie the hip to shoulder ratio, slightly more feminine ridges, a bit of a softer voice etc) but as far as biological sex are closer to the center of the two.

The reason that this characteristic and matter of his sex gets such detail is because it’s a critical part of this Parmak’s identity. What I mean is this: I wrote this character to reflect a bit of myself. In the Cardassian records systems and medical systems etc he’s not considered male, he’s defined by this designation. But he considers himself male and refuses to be defined by the sum of his biology. As a trans male I wanted this part of him to be reflective of my own feelings and experience. (Yeah I know, confusing avatar- think of the Cyrelia J pseud like Conchita Wurst) This Parmak has spent his life with different expectations and prejudices being pushed on him because he refuses to call himself anything other than male. He’s rejected from his petition to study medicine before he gains a sponsor, he’s slandered and objectified by people he encounters, and he encounters a lot of pressure to conform. In spite of that he refuses to be anyone other than who he knows himself to be.

This Parmak is from Nokar. He was a physically “abnormal” child in that he is an albino (in the Cardassian sense), he has poor eyesight, and has kyphosis (a spine curvature which can be very minor to a pronounced hump- my cousin was born with this so that’s where the concept had originated from. Scoliosis, that thing they test for in schools is a spine curvature on the other axis). He’s terrified of his own reflection and has no desire to know what he looks like. He’s actually very attractive. His main drive and passion in life is medicine. When he was a teenager there was a plague of a mutated Yarim Fei which struck his village and everyone but him died. He spent months burying those who died while simultaneously trying to cure them with his own limited medical knowledge. He realized later he wasn’t infected because of his mutated genes. This really shaped his life because when he was able to devote himself to medicine he worked tirelessly for a vaccine on that and other diseases.

His passion and unique talent is in pharmacology and chemistry. This gets a bit “too perfect/sue-ish” but I like it so it’s not likely to change here. He’s like a magician/alchemist when it comes to his ability to mix up serums and drug compounds. It’s a highly coveted almost genius ability and one that Tain wants like oxygen. This Parmak was involved sexually with both Tain and Garak. He’s afraid of Garak’s eyes because of Tain’s induced illusion ability. He was soft spoken but fearless and was taught by his foster father Vakem Parmak that the Doctor’s role is to survive at all costs, be unbreakable, and so he was raised from his late teenage years to his mid 40s to withstand poisons and torture of an extreme form. It had only ended when Vakem Parmak died. Shortly after that he was recruited by Enabran Tain (albeit not exactly willingly). It made him arrogant in his abilities until Garak broke him. That combined with his experience in the work camp changed him.

In the present day, he’s kind but pragmatic. He’s aware of his own shortcomings but he still has a “survive at all costs” mentality due to his upbringing. The Parmak family credo which he lives and dies by is “one for a hundred” meaning for every life taken he must save a hundred. He’s unbending in this assessment. He still has his quirky sense of humor, he still refuses to look at himself in the mirror, and he doesn’t understand why people find him attractive as his own self-image is still poor. He has few hobbies because his life is work be it medicine, advocacy, raising a family, or self assigned “missions”. He enjoys reading and gardening but really has to be dragged into leisure because he doesn’t understand it. His life has taught him that life isn’t leisure only survival and work so he’s not very able to relax.

He’s a tireless advocate for the Northern Continents and northern rights and he has far less moral limits than I would imagine canon Parmak to have. He’s willing to kill to save but he works to heal the disenfranchised and protect those who need him most. He also has a warped pain tolerance because of his foster father’s training and enjoys being hurt- he doesn’t ask for it or seek it out, but he was conditioned to have that response when it occurs so that’s been used against him. I guess you could say he’s a bit of a broken Parmak.

Stories featuring C132 Parmak are: “If—“, “The Downward Spiral”, Invictus, and Inside a Dream” so far

If you like your Parmak closer to Julian ethically, more “light” than “dark”, and much less twisted then this isn’t the Parmak for you :)

On the opposite end we have:

C147 Parmak: This Parmak appears in all my humor/crack/lighthearted stories. His sex is irrelevant to the character unlike C132 Parmak though for reference he’s usually male in this iteration unless otherwise stated; so far in every story but “The Power of Three” he’s been cis male. This character borders on being a parody so I would encourage most to take this one with a grain of salt because he’s not meant to be a serious representation of Parmak. A lot of his traits come about because of silly late night conversations or “what if” jokes. The biggest example would be his cock obsession. For me this is more of a running gag because I imagine it to be so far off of real Parmak canon and behavior that it’s just silly. I find all sorts of stupid things amusing.

He had a happy childhood in the North, has living parents, and only moved South to study medicine for the adventure of it. He’s usually near lifelong friends with Garak (as this Parmak appears primarily in AUs) and occasionally it��s a friends with benefits arrangement. He appears as various types of doctors/healers but in the Extraverse he’s a yoga instructor as well. I’ll probably branch out his professions as I write more for him. He likes to wear his signature hair beads (silly fanon thing of mine) and often says outlandish things “unintentionally”.

He has a massive hoarding problem and he loves pop culture. You’ll find his space (car, house, office, etc) full of records, CDs, books, bumper stickers, old bottles, and anything he finds interesting. In some universes this includes a massive sex toy collection This Parmak loves taking pictures and loves music. He comes across as oblivious and spacey. Some of that’s genuine, some of it’s played up a bit because he likes seeing people smile and he likes spreading positivity. He loves yoga and tends to be super flexible and fit (sometimes in teasing contrast to the C147 Garak who’d rather lounge with a cocktail). This Parmak also loves television, Queen, and Columbo. He’s incredibly adventurous and has a devious little smirk. He’s a voyeur and a closet sadist (in a playful sense- he doesn’t enjoy actually hurting people).

He’s a bit of a bad driver, is into conspiracy theories in a big way, and is into alternative medicine and new age ideas. He’s more the “Hippie” part of “Hippie Lizard”. He absolutely loves sex and could be considered shameless but he’s proud of this and infinitely creative in that realm. I might even make him a sex therapist one of these days since I think he’d be good at it. As a side note, his companion C147 Garak is much the same. He loves games and stories and “cute” things though he seems rather unaware that he himself is one of those “cute things”. He likes to wear his sunglasses perched on his head while still wearing his glasses. Fun fact- his sunglasses aren’t prescription and he never actually wears them as sunglasses.

He’s a good listener, emphatic to the max and is comically strong while being pretty slim and unassuming. Sometimes he’ll also have the congenital stoop of C132 Parmak but not always. He dresses very free in the summer and bundles up like the kid in A Christmas Story in the winter. He has a strange obsession with tentacle porn and stopped consuming sugar sometime in the early 2000s. He’s pretty much everyone’s friend and can be outspoken and opinionated (especially on obscure things). He totally grows on people even if they don’t like him much at first and is always a brilliant doctor and ethically upright and kind character.

Sometimes he’ll appear in contemporary Cardassian fics/drabbles so some of the more Earth centric traits will be missing but everything else will pretty much hold true. The sex thing also holds for anyone in the C147 Parmak verse including Julian and Garak who are usually the 2 other constants. This too is actually kind of personal for me. It’s a lens through which I see the world. Maybe it’s because growing up I was like listening to Howard Stern since I was 7 and had a lot of exposure to that sort of thing. It’s difficult for me not to sexualize things and interactions and in my writing I tend to be super sex driven. Since my RL doesn’t even remotely reflect that activity I enjoy expressing it through fic even if the C147 Parmak and others get kind of caricature-ish.

Stories featuring C147 Parmak are: The Extraverse, Lizards Melt in your Mouth (epilogue 1 not 2), The power of Three, and the drabble Fine Print

So if you don’t like your Parmak to be an over the top extra dick magnet then steer clear of this Parmak :)

As a side note “A Gift for My Darling” has a mirror Parmak that’s a combo of both these Parmaks while being kind of completely insane.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read, and I hope this enhances everyone’s experience with my stories. I’m always super appreciative of anyone reading and giving feedback. I’m kinda of like a sponge... but not the Seinfeld kind haha

I’ve been debating if people might prefer that I tag either version of this character for ease of filtering so any feedback on that either by reply or DM would be much appreciated!

[vvitchering]

After ep thoughts:

Alright so we got a pretty solidly mid episode this time which is better than the slop we got last week but still not Good.

HA I called the Fennec backstory ep

Pacing still feels super weird. We’re rushing from plot point to plot point with no pit stops in between to flesh out details or provide more character building moments.

Relying so much on the bacta tank flashbacks is why the show has been so slow to develop imo. We’ve only had one episode (2) that really utilized that format to its fullest. The rest has been one step forward, wait 30 mins, The End. Haven’t these writers ever taken a high school writing class? Passive past-tense voice is dangerous. We’re halfway through its run now and there hasn’t been much headway into the plot of the preset timeline so we run the risk of the show’s pacing getting even worse to make up for lost time.

I get that we need to break up the seriousness of the story from time to time with humor but between last week and this week it feels like they’re resorting to making Boba look inept for comedy and I don’t like it. Did he need to chase that little droid around the kitchen? No. Wasn’t worth making him look like a fool for a half-hearted chuckle at best.

I also felt like it was weird that Boba piloted his ship so carelessly. That ship is one of two things he has left of his Father, he’s been flying it since he was a child, why is he maneuvering it like he’s never flown a day in his life???

I kind of hate that they made him go back to the sarlacc to look for the armor. Ok I don’t hate that it happened, but I hate the execution. I feel like that would be an extremely traumatic experience for him to just jump right back in (even if it’s dead) and he’s so flippant when he climbs back out. Idk felt weird.

Also, IS Boba’s armor pure beskar? I always thought it was an alloy. No idea where specifically I picked that up but I got the feeling from The Mandalorian that pure beskar armor is a rarity. Boba’s does seem to take more of a visible beating than Din’s, which we know is pure beskar.

Fennec’s reasoning for sticking with Boba feels flimsy. She has no reason to believe this crazy dude is going to be successful with his crazy schemes but she’s willing to give up her lucrative and successful career to hang with him? Aight. I was hoping they’d bond more as friends to justify her wanting to stay with him when it’s more logical for her to go back to her independent contracting.

I have beef with how inept the show keeps painting Boba. He’s not an idiot. He’s had to be clever and strong his whole life to survive and he’s been running in crime circles for DECADES at this point. Why is Fennec making his speeches for him when he’s supposed to be earning respect for himself as a competent boss? He knows negotiation and strategy are vital to his plans. I really thought that scene where we watched Garsa talk down a drunk angry Wookie was a setup for Boba to be like “hmm you know what? She’s really good at that. I should see if she’s interested in working for me since my only teammates at this point are one overworked assassin, a gaggle of robo-teens of questionable work ethic, and some old guards. Some business-minded and well spoken smarts might serve me well.”

Nope instead we got furry anger issues mcgee. Great. Love that for us.

I am feeling hopeful that those last lines of dialogue about hiring some more muscle paired with those very noticeable strands of music from The Mandalorian’s theme means Din is incoming. I still feel relatively certain he’s been on Tatooine this whole time, either getting drunk to drown his sorrows in one of the cities or hanging out in Mos Pelgo with Cobb. I would absolutely love to see Boba show up unannounced in Mos Pelgo one day to see about picking Din up for work only to find the poor guy has not been doing well and Cobb is at the end of his rope trying to keep him going. Spending some time with a fellow outsider Mandalorian and having meaningful work to do might be just what the doctor ordered. And we could get that “two men in power, one trying to reclaim it while the other hides from it, learning how to be leaders from each other” story line I’ve been salivating over since Mando s2 ended.

(It’s hard to tell if we’re in for a long Din guest appearance or a short cameo. He’s going to appear either way, but with Pedro’s other acting obligations going on I just don’t know what that means for his work in Star Wars. If somehow Din has reconciled with himself enough to put the helmet back on full time, I guess they could get around Pedro not being physically available but being able to at least voice Din. I hope that’s not how it goes down, and I have many thoughts about that, but this is Boba’s show so I’m willing to table that until Mando s3.

I just really want to see Boba and Din on screen together again hhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHHH

New tbobf in the morning and it’s got a lot of pressure on it to do something amazing to redeem the show for the bullshit that happened last week. Would love to see that some of the Tuskens survived and show up to help Boba wipe out the syndicate that attacked them. Would love to see Din, who I am still 9000% sure will make an appearance at least once (but more likely closer to the end of the show booo) Much less likely but I’d like to see Cobb again (although I have a feeling it would be a very minor cameo, like Peli’s, if we see him at all)

It’s unlikely the show will pull something out of its butt that’ll fix the mess it made last week, but I don’t want to give up on it yet.

[thisaintascenereviews]

Album Review by Bradley Christensen Search The City – A Fire So Big The Heavens Can See It Record Label: Tooth & Nail Release Date: April 1 2008

The other night, I was going through my old issues of Alternative Press, and I came across a review for the pop-rock / alt-rock band Search The City’s debut LP, 2008’s A Fire So Big The Heavens Can See It, and the review was pretty much mocking the fact that they sound like Anberlin. Anberlin, for those of you who don’t remember, was a prominent alt-rock band of the early to mid-00s. They were mainly signed to Tooth & Nail (I think they went back to Tooth & Nail for their last album, if I’m not mistaken, anyway), but they got big around the end of the 00s. They were a huge deal, though, whether it was for their very unique, interesting, and catchy sound, made even better by vocalist / frontman Stephen Christian. I remember reading that review years ago, and I was a bit offended by that, because I loved Search The City back in the day. You know how it goes, too – you’re a young kid that loves music, and you see something negative about a band that you like, so you’re like, “What the hell?” The more that I thought about that little review, I realized that they were write. That’s in retrospect, too, since I’ve listened to Anberlin since then. They’re not a band I really like that much, honestly, but I respect the hell out of them. I respect their work ethic, and their overall influence in the alternative scene, even if I couldn’t personally get that into them. Anyway, I decided to download a copy of this album, because I haven’t heard it in years, and for whatever reason, I never owned a copy of it. A Fire So Big is an album that means a lot to me, just because it’s an album that I really associate a certain time of my life. I listened to that record a lot during my sophomore year of high school, and listening to that album takes me back to that time. I didn’t feel like spending a lot of time with the album, just because I’ve listened to it so many times, but I’ve been excited to talk about, since I haven’t talked about this album whatsoever in the last ten years.

Going back to what the first sentence referenced, there’s a discussion that can be made about bands sounding like other bands, and whether or not those bands are worth listening to in the first place. I mean, if you’re a diehard Anberlin fan, would you really want to hear a clone or five of them? I couldn’t blame you if that were the case, since a lot of people would be thinking, “I could be listening to Anberlin right now, since they do this a lot better,” but there are two kinds of people that would be okay with that – people that love that sound so much that they want more bands that sound similar, or people that couldn’t get into Anberlin for whatever reason, but they like that kind of sound, so they find more to enjoy about other bands. That’s how I feel about Search The City, honestly; I’m not a big fan of Anberlin, even though I don’t hate them, but I like their bombastic alt-rock sound that they’ve come to be known for. It’s weird, I know. I like their sound, but I don’t like them. I think I just like the idea of their sound more than the band itself, but Search The City filled that void for me. A Fire So Big is pretty much an Anberlin clone, but that doesn’t bother me, because I don’t care for Anberlin too much, and their sound is still done well, regardless. You can go into this thing, never having heard a single Anberlin song or album, and you’d have a good idea of what you’re getting into, because this LP has, well, a bombastic alt-rock sound. You don’t need to know Anberlin to understand that, let alone get into that. Like I said, though, I totally get if someone who loves Anberlin would look at this record and dismiss it, because they’re an Anberlin clone, but I don’t think they’re just an Anberlin clone. There were, and still are, a lot of things I love about this record, namely in the vocals and lyrics. Frankly, a big part of why I’ve never been able to get into Anberlin is for Christian’s vocals, just because he’s always had a very “flat” voice to me.

I’m not going to pretend Search The City’s vocalist is amazing, because he really isn’t, but at the same time, he’s got a good voice that works with this alt-rock sound awfully well. The hooks on this thing are utterly fantastic, too, even though the biggest issue that I have with this album is that every song basically sounds the same, so the album can blend together very, very easily. For me, though, the songs themselves are distinct enough to stand out from each other, and the lyrics take the take. I love a lot of these lyrics. They’re very clever, well-written, interesting, and compelling. I was very influenced by this record in terms of my own writing and sense lyricism. This record wasn’t necessarily full of eloquent language, mind you, but it’s clever. Look at the song “Talk Is Cheap But I’ve Got Expensive Taste.” That’s a good example of what I mean. It’s just cleverly written language that makes you think a bit for its overall meaning, but this isn’t extremely pretentious or anything like that. This record is chock of full of stuff like that, including on songs like “Detroit Was Built On Secrets,” “Ambulance Chaser,” “Bigger Scars Make Better Stories,” and “The Rescue,” just to name a few. The lyrics are the best part of it for me, and that’s why I keep coming back to it, but it’s got a lot of catchy and bombastic hooks, too. If you’re into Anberlin, I think you’ll love this album, but if you happen to enjoy catchy, bombastic, and arena-ready alt-rock, you’ll still love it, because it’s just what you’re looking for. I love this album, and it’s one of my favorites from my adolescence, but I can understand that they’re basically an Anberlin knock-off. They’re not a bad one, though, and that’s the key thing. They do what they do well, so you can’t knock them for that, right? I don’t think so, anyway. This album’s nothing all that special, per se, but I also feel like Search The City is a bit of an underrated gem in the alt-rock scene from back then, because this is still a solid record, all things considered, so I’d give it a listen.

[heyitstesagain]

Meeting G Malkmus

30th December, 2017. Saturday, I received an anonymous like on this app, which I re- downloaded on my phone, that same night I did say hi, however didn’t hear back, so I went sleeping, after speaking to couple of those other gross people, oh and one of those bunch of peeps asked me if I’m on it to have some warmth during the winter, “warmth,” Seriously??, who talks like that, that man is a manager at a Chelsea Pizzaria, an Italian male, (eww, Italians who are into family and all, you know, guhh) who apparently was or still is in attempt to provide winter warmth to bunch of those desperate females in their 30s I guess, anywho, let’s not drag it along too much, let’s get back to focusing on G, let me refresh your memory who that is, it is that man who just liked me randomly thinking I’m a cutie, even though I revealed I’m 4’11″, and do not want children, men, huh?! And creatures that they like?!

So then the next morning, December 31, a sunny funny cozy Sunday, I was sleeping just fine and around 10.30 in the morning he said “Hey Tes, are ya originally from New York?! Hmm?! I wonder why would he ask me that?

I just said: Hi?! I evaluated these two possibilities or three, well I’m a non- white woman and from New York, so that’s usually the first question you’d get from out of towners and that’s to generate an answer to find out when did you actually immigrated to the United States? That was case one, then second was the fact, that some of those pictures that I’ve put up on that app was my recent visit to the Netherlands, he might have seen those and wanted to know if I live here or visiting, because men apparently can control their emotions based on the fact whether the female is a visitor or a locale?! Men, huh, in general?! In their entirety?!

Thirdly, which was apparently the reason he fell for me was if I indeed was born and raised in New York, because growing up at a suburban mid western town this kid has imagined himself of being born and raised in New York City?! Did he? You know how that goes with the indie/ alternative lovers, people that listened to the Velvet Underground growing up, would wanna troll Lou Reed, and at this point I’m pretty sure he legit tried to think about coming up with another soup container like Campbell like Warhol, since he’s by trade into mechanical or technical drawing?! Based on this third hypothesis: I’d say he wanted to know if I am indeed a New York breed, body and soul, full- fleshed, rigid walking and talking?! Or may be because he felt that I like him for being him? As he sensed that, or may be its familiar pain? Would I ever know? Or may be he felt that, I’m way too artistic for a non artist? And that’s his thing?  

And the exact idea of me, all of a sudden will start seeming too good be true?! As if: a non white, 30yo, NewYork woman from Queens would know Baumbach and religiously watch everything that Wes Anderson has ever done and also think of you legit resemble Mike Mills (creatively & in congruity) now that’s an anomaly?!

Well now getting back to how I responded to his asking if I’m from here, “originally?”

 “Yeah!” Short and simple, honestly I didn’t know he will write me back, came unexpected?! Why did he?!

Was that because he has devalued himself with time for the past 18 months, otherwise why would someone this talented, who makes these paintings⬇️⬇️

full of ethics and integrity and apparently intensely good-looking without even knowing have dared to write a low- life like this female, which is me, why?!

We will get back to that shortly, but then I thought, it’s Sunday morning, why did I have to go say “hi” in the first place on a Saturday night, that would generate a response kind of obvious and now I’ve to keep talking to him, so I prohibited myself from saying anything after that “yeah,” as in I’m originally from New York, for some reason later around the mid afternoon, I asked:

T: You?

G: I’m from Fort Wayne, Indiana, came to New York to make films and paint, and not be bored, Indiana is boring!

T: Okay

G: What do you do?

T: I just work

G: No I mean like for fun? Movies, or bars, or sports, or weed, or whatever?

T: I watch a lot of movies, I get paranoid with weed, and I’m an awful drinker, I sleep for fun?! Being lazy is kind of fun?!

(Wasn’t really liking him as much, and was wondering why he kept talking? On a Sunday, December 31, when guys are busy making plans for the eve), however; he responded with something which piqued my interest a little further… which goes:

G: Lol, yeah I agree with that. I’ve watched 5 movies this weekend already (inside my head, I was like, omg, I do that by the time it’s Sunday, did I meet my soul mate? ) I don’t usually watch THIS (now he does that, text in all caps to emphasize the expression/ or moment) much, but it’s fucking cold out (like oh my god, does he think that it’s civilized, and not un- hip to stay home and watch movies and not talking to people and not do activities, i. e. gym, laundry, ice- fucking- skating, rock- climbing, upstate- hiking, might have really met my souls mate, a home-body? The rarest breed in men to find, I haven’t met one before)

T: Yep, so are you not doing anything tonight?

G: I’ve a big freelance job I’ve to do tonight, you?

T: I’m not doing anything, which I don’t usually majority of the time? What kind of freelancing?

G:Video editing, I also sometimes do writing and graphic design.

What kind of thing are you looking here on KosherAllegory (I mythicized the name of the app in here, “cliched” much?!)

T: I don’t know yet, what about ya? ( I might have come off standoff- ish and non- chalant, but was not on purpose, I promise, never honestly didn’t or still don’t believe in app, however, I met my soul mate in here, him?!)

G: Hopefully a girlfriend, but not forcing it, sometimes it’s just fun to meet new people (okay so he isn’t going anywhere with me, it’s just fun to meet new people, just passing time, chatting by?!!)

T: okay, has anything ever turned serious off of here?

G: yes, I had a serious thing with a girl I’ve met on here a few years ago, when that ended I eventually used it again and met some cool people but nothings gotten too serious. Are you new to KosherAllegory?

T: Well I have it on my phone, but honestly I never use it, not finding anyone worth chatting that’s all?!

G: Oh cool, well I feel lucky then, would it be easier to just text message?

T: yeah

He then left his number and I started texted him, should of just shut it right there, right then, but I didn’t and we kept talking for three weeks before meeting on January 18th, it was a Thursday, and was extremely cold out, we both felt that our souls just connected and physically we were like those two missing pieces of a Jigsaw puzzle?!

Ironically, both our mothers had left us at a time when they were not supposed to, at a point when we would struggle forever and keep looking for a shelter, and would keep looking for them and mess up our entirety to just find that soul thats never tired of being unsatisfied?! And also we both are or have been estranged from our fathers, it’s like we have found each other!!! He’s that ugly feet twin of mine?!

& then we lost each other again, I’m on this train on my way home, it’s March 23rd, 2018, another Friday, 6.54 PM, I’m on an F train, super uncertain that I’ll ever get to see G again?!

As I’m typing away, he’s just a week away from packing up his life of last 6/7 years that’s spent in here and moving back home, near Fort Wayne, Indiana?!!!

True, he never was around, but in a way he was, in my soul, around me, beneath me, above me, all over me and in my thoughts and in my existence, people say true longing always comes back, I’d never know now of how much of that’ll ever be true but I’ll rather just have to see it through… ???!!!

Until the end of this universe?! Haha, joke?! That even a bad one, but you’ll laugh at it, only ya (paraphrased from “here,”<PAVEMENT>my only fav song from your indie man)

Caution & Trigger Warning:

I’ve exclusively used materials and pictures without permission, might get sued for violating privacy and also violation of someone’s copyright of 2017!

[deniscollins]

For Millions Deep in Student Loan Debt, Bankruptcy Is No Easy Fix

Bankruptcy gives over 700,000 debtors a fresh start every year. Bills for credit cards and medical expenses can be wiped away by a few strokes of a judge’s pen, and debts that don’t vanish are reduced. But student loan debts don’t go away as easily. For decades, politicians have slowly made them harder to discharge. If you had a large student loan debt that was extremely difficult to payoff due to losing your job, would you: (1) try negotiating a deal with the lender to delay paying the loan or (2) declare bankruptcy to significantly reduce the amount owed? Why? What are the ethics underlying your decision?

With two mortgages, three children and $83,000 in student loan debt, the financial strain finally became too much for George A. Johnson and Melanie Raney-Johnson.

New bills kept piling up: The couple had to buy another car when Mr. Johnson wrecked one in a snowstorm, but their insurance didn’t fully pay off the totaled vehicle. Old debts never seemed to get any smaller, either: A mortgage modification they spent months working on fell through when the bank lost their paperwork.

And their student debt, an albatross born of aspiration, grew heavier each month.

Bankruptcy was the only way out.

“It was not an easy decision,” Ms. Raney-Johnson said of filing for bankruptcy in 2011. “It was a feeling of despair, for sure.”

Bankruptcy gives over 700,000 debtors a fresh start every year. Bills for credit cards and medical expenses can be wiped away by a few strokes of a judge’s pen, and debts that don’t vanish are reduced.

But student loan debts don’t go away as easily. For decades, politicians have slowly made them harder to discharge, while differing standards in courts across the country mean a debtor’s chances can depend on where he or she lives.

The few debtors who attempt it are subjected to a morality play unlike anything else in the world of personal finance: so-called adversary proceedings, where they must lay themselves bare in court as opposing lawyers question how much they pay for lunch or give to their church.

The Johnsons tried anyway. They had borrowed about $45,000 for Mr. Johnson’s degree in sociology at the University of St. Mary in Kansas and Ms. Raney-Johnson’s pursuit of a bachelor’s degree from the University of California, Davis. Unable to pay, they had received permission to put off their payments, but their balance nearly doubled as interest charges continued to pile up.

Mr. Johnson lost his job after they filed for bankruptcy and, unable to afford a lawyer, Ms. Raney-Johnson prepared their case. She remembers how she felt when they arrived at the Robert J. Dole Federal Courthouse in Kansas City, Kan., on a sunny September day seven years ago.

“My heart was beating, and I was sweating,” said Ms. Raney-Johnson, now in her mid-40s and a billing supervisor for a federal agency.

In 2015, the year the Johnsons got their ruling, 884,956 personal bankruptcy cases flowed through the courts. Only 674 sought to discharge student debt, according to a recent analysis by Jason Iuliano, assistant law professor at Villanova University.

The New York Times reviewed dozens of cases in which a judge issued a published opinion — the Bankruptcy Class of 2015 — to understand the pains and payoffs five years later. Some debtors are on a better course. But for others, the struggles never went away — or came back after they thought they were free.

Rising Costs, Rising Debts

Bankruptcy begins with debt, and student loans are the second-biggest form of household debt in the United States. More than 43 million borrowers hold over $1.6 trillion in student loans, a sum that has more than tripled in 13 years. It exceeds what Americans owe on credit cards or auto loans and trails only mortgages.

Sixty-two percent of students who graduated from nonprofit colleges in 2019 had student loan debt, according to an Institute for College Access & Success analysis. Their average balance was $28,950 — not including borrowing by their parents.

Many struggle mightily to pay: Before the government’s coronavirus relief efforts paused federal student loan payments, 7.7 million borrowers were in default and nearly two million others were seriously behind.

The solution has been a public-policy patch job.

About eight million additional borrowers use income-driven repayment plans, which can be challenging to enter. And while the plans lower payments, borrowers accrue interest on the unpaid difference. The debt is eventually forgiven — usually after 20 or 25 years — but the forgiven amount is taxable income.

A related program forgives the federal student loan debts of public-service workers, tax free, after 10 years, but it has been deeply troubled. Borrowers have made payments for years only to learn they were in the wrong kind of payment plan. It got so bad that Congress had to create a separate pot of money to try to fix it.

The election could give momentum to a change: President-elect Joseph R. Biden Jr. — who supported a 2005 law that made private student loans harder to discharge — has vowed to change the loan rule back if elected. But few Republicans have voiced support for a plan to change bankruptcy rules. A House bill has one Republican co-sponsor, Representative John Katko of New York, but the Senate’s version, led by Senator Richard J. Durbin of Illinois, has only Democratic support.

All the student debt poses a problem. Its weight, experts say, has macroeconomic effects, dragging on homeownership and small-business formation. But the fallout goes beyond simple economics.

There is also a mental toll.

‘No Way Out’

Noelle DeLaet earned a bachelor of fine arts degree from Nebraska Wesleyan University in 2008 — the teeth of the Great Recession. She tacked on another year for a degree in English to make herself more attractive to employers. Perhaps in publishing, she thought.

She left school with $110,000 in debt: roughly $27,000 from the federal government and the rest in private loans co-signed by her mother. The $810 monthly bill, set to climb when the payment plan on one private loan expired, soon overwhelmed her.

Ms. DeLaet, now 34, landed in the child welfare field as a foster care review specialist in Lincoln, Neb. — rewarding, but not lucrative. She sent out hundreds of résumés for better-paying jobs and pleaded with her lenders to reduce her payments. Soon, the creditors started in on her mother and put her on the verge of bankruptcy, too.

Ms. DeLaet’s breaking point came in May 2012 when she ran up against the $4,000 limit on her credit card while trying to buy a burrito at a Mexican grocery. She felt so helpless at times that she considered suicide.

“I looked all over Google for some sort of support group for others going through this,” Ms. DeLaet said. “I felt like there was no way out.”

When Ms. DeLaet squared off in court against her student-loan creditors, they quibbled with the $12 she spent each month on recycling. She should have tried harder for a promotion, they argued. Or moved somewhere else for more money.

Judge Thomas L. Saladino bristled at that idea. In his opinion, he wrote that she lived in the state’s second-largest city, “as good a place as any to seek a better-paying job.”

The judge discharged about $119,000 in private loans, and an additional $23,000 was forgiven by one of her lenders. But her $27,000 in federal loans stuck: She’s paying those back through an income-driven repayment plan costing about $260 a month. Because she works at a nonprofit, her debt should eventually disappear via the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program.

For Ms. DeLaet, the process was worth it: She has married her boyfriend, had two children and bought a home. Her mother is an “amazing” grandmother, she said, although they still cannot discuss the past.

“It is an untouchable subject,” she said.

Rumors and Rules

The transformation in the bankruptcy rules began in 1976, with unfounded rumors.

A handful of legislators claimed to have heard about a parade of young doctors and lawyers who were trying to game the system and shed their debts while embarking on lucrative careers. The lawmakers toughened the rules, largely preventing borrowers from seeking a discharge within five years of graduation. The rules only got tougher over the next three decades.

Borrowers must show that their student loans are an “undue hardship” — a standard interpreted differently, depending on where you live. Some judicial circuits, including those in Nebraska, where Ms. DeLaet filed, have the judge review a “totality of the circumstances” for the debtor and make a decision.

Other jurisdictions employ a less flexible standard, the Brunner test, named for the case that established it. Judges must answer three questions affirmatively to discharge the debt. First, has the debtor made a good-faith effort to repay the loans? Second, is the debtor unable to maintain a minimal standard of living while making the payments? And, finally, is the debtor’s situation likely to persist?

But even jurisdictions that use the Brunner test apply it differently. Some require the judge to find that the borrowers have a “certainty of hopelessness” in paying off their debt. Other jurisdictions do not.

Here, the Johnsons may have benefited from geographic good fortune.

‘Virtual Lifetime Servitude’

Lawyers for the Educational Credit Management Corporation — a nonprofit that collects defaulted loans on behalf of the federal government — examined how the Johnsons spent their $2,100 monthly income.

Every expense was scrutinized, including Ms. Raney-Johnson’s $35 monthly union dues, her $100 retirement contribution and $215 to repay loans from her retirement plan. None, the nonprofit’s lawyers argued, were necessary to maintain a “minimal standard of living.”

In his opinion — written more than a year after hearing arguments — Judge Robert D. Berger disagreed. He wrote that the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 10th Circuit, which covers Kansas, had shifted from the most rigid interpretation of the three-part test, which he described as “an unfortunate relic.”

Judge Berger wasn’t sure how the Johnsons were subsisting at all based on their income, and he said courts shouldn’t rely on “unfounded optimism” about a debtor’s future.

“It is disconsonant with public policy and bankruptcy’s fresh start to leave debtors in virtual lifetime servitude to student loans,” he wrote.

The judge discharged their student loans: $83,000 in debt, wiped away.

“I was ecstatic,” Ms. Raney-Johnson said of the moment she received the decision letter. “I probably said some curse words.”

Their good fortune didn’t last.

Laughs Over Lunches

Opposing lawyers — whether they work for the federal government or for private lenders — are tenacious. Their approach can feel like bullying, if not humiliation.

When Pamela Monroe went to an Arkansas bankruptcy court in 2015, she was 57 with a student-loan balance of about $56,000. She was working in the fragrance section of a Dillard’s department store, and her lunch habits — like $6.10 at Taco Bell and $12.72 at Olive Garden — were a focus of intense interest.

Eating out, Ms. Monroe testified, was her primary form of recreation and a midday necessity: Co-workers would sometimes steal colleagues’ lunches from the break room.

“They laughed about that when I told them,” she said. “I felt at that moment like I was a cornered animal and they were poking sticks at me.”

Ms. Monroe said she had spent her life making choices that others seemed to dictate — marrying two years out of high school and becoming a mother, as her parents seemed to want. After two divorces, she reached for higher education in a bid for independence.

She graduated from the University of Arkansas-Fort Smith with a communications degree and pursued a master’s in speech language pathology. She didn’t finish that program, leaving her with the debt but not the advanced degree. And she couldn’t seem to break out of low-paying work.

“I would have loved to pay them back,” Ms. Monroe said. “But I never could, because nobody ever saw any value in me.”

Judge Ben Barry found Ms. Monroe’s restaurant spending excessive, but noted that she had changed jobs frequently seeking higher pay. Her income, he wrote in his opinion, about doubled between 2010 and 2015, to over $26,000.

But even a reduced budget he outlined would not leave her enough money to make her student loan payments, so he discharged just over half of her student loans.

She would most likely have been paying that off until she was in her 80s. But last year, Ms. Monroe, now 63 and dealing with osteoarthritis and other health problems, received a disability discharge for the rest of her debt.

Now all she wants to do is live out her days in her $510-a-month apartment in a retirement community. “It has a sprinkler system and an elevator, very safe,” she said.

But she hasn’t stopped thinking about the way the system and its actors — like the lawyer on the opposite side in her case — seemed to render judgment on her life choices.

“I didn’t do anything wrong,” she said. “I was just living, but I got in trouble for eating.”

Back to Haunt Them

In 2016, the Johnsons learned their loan discharge was being appealed by lawyers for Educational Credit Management Corporation.

Paradoxically, they were worse off because their financial situation had improved: Ms. Raney-Johnson earned a promotion, and Mr. Johnson, now in his mid-40s like his wife, found a stable government job. A year after discharging their loans, Judge Berger concluded that the couple could now “easily” maintain a minimal standard of living and reinstated their debt — which had ballooned even more because of interest charges.

Preparing to send their own children to college, the Johnsons requested another forbearance. Their balance continues to grow: It’s roughly $104,000 today.

Ms. Raney-Johnson took the final class she needed for her biology degree over the summer. But the debt was already piling up for the next generation. Their oldest, a college sophomore, expects to owe about $45,000 when she graduates. Their middle child, a high school senior, is looking at colleges now. Ms. Raney-Johnson said she and her husband — who are putting about $5,000 a year toward their daughter’s tuition — would try to remain in forbearance for now.

In August, they received a notice about an income-driven repayment plan, which would start out costing about $550 a month. From there, the cost depends on many factors, including job changes, raises and eligibility for forgiveness programs. If they’re able to get into the public service program, the debt could go away a decade after they start paying. If not, the bills could continue coming for about 20 years — right around the time the Johnsons will be trying to retire.

The experience, Ms. Raney-Johnson said, has been “disheartening.” She and her husband had run up against opposition that could keep going with little regard for time or expense, knowing that they couldn’t.

“It feels like getting screwed over by someone with a lot more power and money,” she said.

[sine-of-nomine-blog]

Upon further research and investigation, I found myself aligning stylistically really heavily with both Vito Acconci and Robert Irwin.  Robert Irwin first intrigued me with his project titles, such as Excursus: Homage to the Square3, 48 Shadow Planes, and Double Diamond.  I constantly struggle with giving any creative work I do a satisfactory title, as it is extremely hard to encapsulate the work in a few words; but maybe that isn’t what titles are actually for.  In my Art & Ethics class, our professor addressed titles of artistic work as more of a hint about the work than a summary, which I think is a much better perspective.

My favorite work of Irwin’s however has to be 1° 2° 3° 4°.

The literal interpretation of the title to the work identifies it as displaying all four dimensions, including time.  This is technically done by exposing the audience to time sensitive aspects like the coastal breeze or mid-day sun in controlled apertures within the windows themselves.  This work however almost takes on a deeper meaning for me, where the additional fourth dimension is a meta-physicality of the space.  I have never seen windows inside of windows before, but this is exactly what that is.  This meta-physicality can also be experienced by the room itself, given the barrenness and natural lighting, the room is much more susceptible to being shaped by its users natural tendencies.  

From what I have read about and seen of the work, people tend to inspect the inner windows, compare views, or stay towards the entrance to enjoy the overall composition.  This circulation is directly due to the artistic choices made by Irwin.  This blend of making “habitable art” with human sociology and psychology to make even the experience itself into a work of art creates yet another additional dimension.  Irwin’s internal dialogue regarding creating solo works speaks very true to me:

“I began as a painter in the middle of nowhere with few questions… My first real question concerned the arbitrariness of my paintings… I used my paintings as a step-by-step process, each new series of works acting in direct response to those questions raised by the previous series. I first questioned the mark as meaning and then even as focus; I then questioned the frame as containment, the edge as the beginning and end of what I see… consider the possibility that nothing ever really transcends its immediate environment.”

This questioning of worth and subjectivity within the world of art is a microcosmic rabbit hole that is all too easy to fall down.  The catch 22 of art is that the subjectivity and worth are just as unknown to everyone.  This is what makes art galleries and exhibits so beautiful, they seem to all have a consistent theme of humanity struggling with a question without an answer, but its possible that there is no answer to “why bother”, and that is completely okay, and has led to some amazing works.

After diving deep into Irwin’s artistic mentality and vision, I was eager to see what new ideas Acconci presented in his works.  Needless to say, I was not disappointed.

When researching Way Station I (Study Chamber) I was shocked to learn the full story.  Way Station I was vandalized, burned, and eventually destroyed by students of Middlebury College.  I can’t help but think there is something poetic about making a piece that is seemingly so passive, yet causes very extreme reactions in observers.  This story seemed too weird to be true, but after checking a few other sources, it was confirmed.  The main complaints revolved around it being an “eyesore” on campus, and would cause people discomfort and anxiety.  The shelter pictured above definitely does not scream uncomfortable and anxious to me.  

The experiential qualities Acconci built into Way Station I must be a truly awakening experience in person.  The work features no confederate flag, no highly offensive text, and is not exactly discriminatory either.  Why was it so widely hated?  It has since completed unenthusiastic reconstruction 30 years after it’s death.  This is a work that I would absolutely love to see in person.  As someone who is always looking for ways to combine habitable space with art and expression, this kind of story is a first for me, and I am dying to learn more.

[weneverlearn]

R.I.P. Grant Hart

When some kind of celebrity death occurs -- and that “celebrity” can be Prince or Paul Hamann -- there’s often a genuinely heartfelt and/or morbid need to reach out and tell someone. Add the internet into that instinct, and this human action takes on more strange, conflicted, even narcissistic layers.

I woke up yesterday to a text about Grant Hart having passed away. I told myself my girlfriend was awake, and gently tapped her on the shoulder to tell her. She has been working a lot lately, and it was probably best to let her sleep and talk about this later. Telling her, telling anyone wasn’t going to bring Grant Hart back. Basically I just confused her, though she sweetly said “Sorry,” and went back to sleep, somehow.

The emotions were flooding through me, and it was one of numerous deaths that have occurred in my sphere of late, so the usual sinking heart feeling sunk as low as it’s been in awhile (and that’s saying something in this Trump era). One song popped in my head, “Think It Over Now,” from Hart’s excellent 1999 solo album, Good News for Modern Man. In a sea of great Grant Hart songs, it’s Ronettes-meets-rainstorm ramble makes it one of my favorites of his, and it’s positive message helped instantly assuage some sadness. I posted it on Facebook for whatever fucking reason, and went to work, unable to think about much else the rest of the day, into today, and I don’t know, maybe from now on.

It feels awkward to make a celebrity death personal with some tossed-out Facebook post. But I am at that point now in my life where the passing of such monumental artistic figures starts to occur closer to you, more frequently, and it’s inevitable that it spurs you to seek comfort from just telling others why this death is monumental. I mean, in my early 20s, if I had heard the bassist in the Johnny Burnette Trio died, oh, that’s sad. But had that bassist been close to my age, had I seen that bassist play live, got to hang out with him a bit, cranked his records through headphones throughout my teens, well...

It was early summer, 1985, I was 17, about butt-deep into a growing pile of records, increasingly punk records, and my au currant desire was to “get into hardcore.” I mean it was all over college radio, Cleveland had a decent scene of it (although in that odd Ohio-y, weather-beaten way), and I just thought, well, that’s what a guy like me should be doing right now. So I went to my local rack jobber and asked him for a great new hardcore album, and he hands me New Day Rising.

I took it home and played it, but I was a bit nonplussed. This wasn’t the bald-head dude screaming in a circle pit shit I thought I was searching for. It was loud and fast for sure, but not the polka-beat, the government and your parents suck spiel. Instead, as I noticed while I self-surprisingly kept playing the record over and over for the next week, was an instantly recognizable melancholy, damp atmosphere, and intense energy I’d already loved from midwest acts. Husker Du just felt like me and lots of strangers I was starting to get to know at Cleveland punk shows -- already a bit beaten by long winters, mall jobs, and terrible sports teams we didn’t care about, but you live in Cleveland, so you’re going to hear about the fucking Browns whether you like it or not. My image was the three Huskers sitting in their dank basement, from about the first week of October until the first week of March, with a space heater sparking in the corner, complaining about fucking jocks, drinking the cheapest local beer, excited only about the tunes they were coming up with, grasping for hopes maybe winter will end early this year (the last week of February), but knowing for sure it’s just gonna come around again anyway, so whatever, let’s go through that new one again.

I already knew enough about the California-based SST Records to know a shlubby band from Minneapolis with cutoff shorts and an almost sobbing seriousness to their loud fast rules, featuring lyrics about folklore and summer ending, was not that label’s raison d’etre. No doubt most of their bands had shitty lives, crappy parents, drug problems, and whatever. But to me, nothing I’d heard on that label (save some Black Flag), had this depth of pathos and seething spirit. I mean come on, it’s California. You don’t spend your teens hanging out on beaches and seeing pretty girls all the time all year and think, “Damn, remember those good times we had? Fuck! Where’s my copy of Being and Nothingness?!” (Well, maybe the Minutemen did.)

Indeed, from what I understood through the grape, er, hops-vine of the time, many diehard SST fans didn’t dig Husker Du. (Someone did, because I think Husker Du was the best selling act on SST, but you record scholars can correct me on that.) To me they were a sudden, jarring connection between the jangle of ‘60s folk and garage rock -- meaning they were contemporaries more with R.E.M. than Saccharine Trust or what have you -- and a huge leap into some fuzzed-out new world of extreme emotional and sonic confessional. Even moreso than the, truth be told, kind of cute Replacements, Husker Du were the gnarled heart pumping to where punk could grasp towards, to survive not just the winters but encroaching adulthood abyss. Even their name, from an old board game (fun!) that translated to “Do You Remember?” (sad), was reflective. They were 20-year olds and already nostalgic, wistful. But their own apocalyptic Reagan-era shakes were vibrating them out of that basement. They toured like fucking crazy, rust belt work ethic and all; and with hooks that finally put a relevant nail in skinny tie power pop’s coffin.    

New Day Rising has mostly remained my favorite Husker Du album since, the opening title tune being my favorite opener on any album (save maybe “I’m Stranded” by the Saints). But their whole catalog is worth churning through. And it wasn’t just Grant Hart’s massively manic drum pounds that hit you hard, but his and Bob Mould’s strained, splitting-at-the-edges voices. Like their Minneapolis contemporaries (Replacements, Soul Asylum, Magnolias), they sounded like they were incredibly pissed off and ready to fight, to the point of tears. Not to belabor the midwest/California dichotomy, but the Offspring never struck me as tearful guys.

Of course soon enough I gathered, via unexplainable gut impressions and gossipy fanzine articles, that there were gay men in Husker Du. And there’s no doubt that the usual animosity towards jocks for this punk band left larger scars.

The scar I personally got from their records was a band. When I first met New Bomb Turks’s guitarist Jim Weber at our college dorm, one of the earliest conversations centered on how Jim couldn’t get to the Warehouse tour stop in Cleveland, and hence never got to see Husker Du. I’d seen them twice, regaled Jim with some details, and made tapes of the Husker Du albums he didn’t have. You can ask him, but I think Bob Mould was his biggest early guitar inspiration. And further discussions involved the gender identity of the band, though being early-20s guys in the late ‘80s, we probably didn’t talk about “gender identity” as much as how/when we were called the ol’ “f”word in high school, and how the Huskers must have dealt with tons of awful shit from the more unseemly sides of the hardcore scene. 

Husker Du was a favorite band, but also our introduction to really thinking about these issues that were still pretty swept under the turkey at the family Thanksgiving meal back then. We were both raised Catholic, so...

So, Grant Hart. After the Warehouse show at the Phantasy Theater in Cleveland in summer 1987 (they would break up soon after the end of that tour), I made my way to the adjacent upstairs bar, whose backroom was being used as a backstage. I saw Grant and said, “Great show!” He looked at me a little cockeyed, then turned around, asking, “Does anyone have any heroin around here?” So, that was that.

I loved his 2541 EP from 1988, the first post-Husker Du release. By then I was best friends with the first friend to ever come out to me; and that happening right around the release of that EP, well, one should always appreciate life’s teachable serendipity.

Then, the first time I ever went to New York City and first time I went to CBGB in 1989 with said out pal, the first band I saw there was Hart’s Nova Mob. (Well, technically Run Westy Run opened up.) They were pretty good, and I was glad to see Hart still going at it, but it seemed soon enough that he wasn’t. Didn’t hear much except sporadic solo stuff after Nova Mob split up, and given the usual rumors, figured he was done. But then my band was pretty busy those years, and I was soaking up tons of new bands, so who knows.

Then, in mid-summer 1999, I get a request from an editor at the Cleveland Free Times to write a preview for Grant Hart’s solo show in Cleveland, and found out he’d be playing Columbus a couple days before. So we hooked up a meeting, which is a whole other story for another post, or if I had the power, a movie. It was a strange couple of days, involving breaking into the trunk of the early ‘80s Cadillac he was touring in (”Got it from Rent-a-Wreck, seriously”), the club, Bernie’s, not paying him what they promised, Hart rightly taking a monitor as payment (probably not worth the $250 he was guaranteed), and me getting a call from him at 3 a.m. asking to be a character witness in court on Monday. Nice dinner with him in there too.

After relative (college) radio silence for a few years, I didn’t know what to expect of the show, and without going into details, let’s just say this seemed like a “rent tour.” Hart was fairly disheveled, but super nice. He’d recently become close with Patti Smith, and I guess she told him her parents last names were Grant and Hart, and that once she heard of him, she took that as a sign from the stars to work with him. Anyway, standing in Berne’s with like 10 other people watching him, I was utterly floored once again. His voice was just teeming with the weight of all those slushy winters. I just kept thinking, this is unbelievable how intense he is, and how good these songs are, and how no one even in my circle of music heps even knew this show was happening, in the middle of summer no less, when campus is pretty dead anyway. Unfortunately, a horrible flu had also floored me, a 102 temperature, and I could only stay about four songs of his set before heading home to sweat in bed. “Ah, I’ll see him again.” That was the last time I saw him play.

R.I.P. Grant Hart.