#i mean. in a very vague sense this time because i'm not saying anything concrete

[invinciblerodent]

I feel like a part of me knew this, like something felt off, but...

Man, I was not prepared for that.

I often say that I'm sobbing at certain things, but today, the sobs are very, very literal. I straight up had to pause at one point, take my glasses off, and sob into my palms for a good minute.

Fucking hell.

I'm not yet done, but there's a moment of respite, which I certainly need to gather all the scattered pieces of my heart off the floor.

.......... and have lunch, maybe.

[littleeyesofpallas]

Oh hey so here's a thing that we never really got proper follow up on, and in fact if anything some late additions to canon just kind of... not quite "contradict" the implicit world building but kind of just exist without addressing the existing hooks?(i hope that makes sense) I'm talking around the subject... I mean the dual zanpakutou and what that actually seems to say about their wielders and how Ichigo absolutely does not fulfill that same criteria with his bullshit final zanpakutou, either played straight or as a subversion.

I have sort of talked about the zanpakutou names themselves but I didn't really stray into the territory of character analysis too much. Kyroraku and Ukitake both have implicit dual personas that are reflected in their swords, at least at first. And Ichigo pretty distinctly doesn't, not in the same way at least, although there is sort of a caveat to that, but I'm already getting ahead of myself...

I'll start with Kyouraku since his is probably the least consequential, and the most overtly addressed... On the one hand Katen[花天] probably comes from the more specific Chinese phrase Huā tiānnǚ[花天女], I specify because it has much more concrete artistic associations than [花天] does, either in Chinese or Japanese, and is a minor figure of Chinese celestial bureaucracy often depicted as a beautiful young woman flying thru the heavens scattering flower petals from a bouquet or basket of flowers. The garden she tends is comprised of all the most beautiful and exotic flowers, posses magical qualities such that the fruits of her garden can grant immorality or magical powers, and the petals she scatters all over the world bring happiness and good fortune.

Clearly her evocation here is an allusion to Kyoruaku's outward demeanor as a kind of pampered, decedent lover of good drink, music/poetry, and women. There are a few things in his name that all point to this as well, beyond just his visual design: Kyoraku[京楽] reading as "(Imperial)Capitol + Music/pleasure/comfort" and Shunsui[春水] as "Spring(the season) + Water," the associations with spring somewhat implicitly involving cherry blossoms, making the phrase sort of analogous to "rose water" or "sweet water."

And then Kyoukotsu[狂骨] is a yokai that takes the form of a skeletal old man that haunts the bucket of an abandoned well. It's got some weird uncertain regional etymologies that sort of suggest it could be any of a number of euphemisms, but I'm not certain which if any are relevant to this. There is one i stumbled into that, given the casual nature of all this, i did not think to record like a citation as i didnt think it'd be so hard to track down again... that said it was used as a kind of slang towards a crazy person or a raucous drunk. I don't want to lean too heavily on that when I can't corroborate it, but it did feel like it made a lot of sense: you drink(from a well) something you shouldn't(i.e. cursed) and it makes you violent and/or crazy.

And more over, their release call is,

Hanakaze midarete Kashin naki, Tenpuu midarete Tenma warau

[花風紊れて花神啼き, 天風紊れて天魔嗤う]

"FlowerWind in disarray FlowerSpirit(s) cry, HeavenWind in disarray Tenma* laughs/ridicules."

There is a distinct bit of poeticism here with Hana... ka[花... 花...] referring to "flowers," Ten... Ten[天... 天...] referring to "heaven," midarete[紊れて... 紊れて...] referring to things "in disarray," and kaze... fuu[...風, ...風] referring to "wind." And notably while there are obvious thematic links back to Katen, there's not actually much reference to Kyokotsu, apart from vague tonal implications. Still, the message seems very clear: The pleasant scent of flowers and aesthetic of petals on the wind are disrupted, flower spirits/god(s) cry/wail in pain or otherwise distress. And at the same time, in the same way, a divine wind/winds of heaven, something that is implicitly a blessing or relief, a kind of god send, is disrupted and the evil spirit Mara laughs or jeers. A good thing is spoiled and divine forces make noises of distress and malice.

This just reinforces the names' dualistic themes that suggest there is a dark side to Kyoraku's penchant for unrestrained revelry. While that could be taken a number of ways, the most surface level one would seem to suggest that for all the boisterous drinking and partying he does, he in fact has a violent abusive drunken side to him as well, past some certain point.

Mara btw is a sort of "demon" in buddhism with a lot of associated themes, not the least of which being seduction, and the derailing of one's path towards enlightenment --in Japanese in particular his name is associated with sexual temptation and masturbation, and yeah he's the penis chariot summon in SMT. He is very specifically the giant demon featured in classical art of the samsara --the cosmological wheel of reincarnation within which all living things exist. So when Mara laughs, it's not just a matter of generic evil, it's the victory of base material temptation over enlightenment. By all rights this makes it sound like Kyoraku's shikai is a matter of trading in his easygoing demeanor for a more violent and darker side.

But as we know that isn't quite how things panned out... Rather, the reveal of that very change in tone just got sorta kicked down the road a bit and became a part of his bankai rather than his shikai. But the implicit themes of the zanpakutou's name, and the zanpakutout themselves, suggests that Kyoraku has two swords because he has two truths, two inner selves rather than one: the one that is personified by heavenly flowers, and the one personified by malice and drink.

And I guess just to clarify, I find it really weird that Kubo went and canonized Masashi Kudo's zanpakutou filler arc designs that way he did, and I still sort of regard them and even their inclusion in the manga proper to be kind of non-canon? I know that's a weird bold arbitrary claim, but even as he used the designs they don't feel like they contribute at all to their own theme or shtick. Like, they were clearly designed with no insight to the shikai's actual powers, the designs are nonsensical (the swords printed on her kimono? european oujo drills on a japanese design? the frills on a kimono? the nonsense exposed midriff on kyoukotsu? it's just a mess) they aren't even named accordingly, you'd think the light tone of Katen would lend itself to the shikai's children's game theme and thus the diminutive one of the pair, and Kyoukotsu the darker themes and thus the noh and bunraku theatre thus the older of the two, splitting them between children's play and adult play. But no.

Anyway... that just being part of the set up for the fact that...

Ukitake's got a whole daoist yin-yang thing going on. His theming is a little less obvious at a glance, but pretty distinct in the broader context of things, and eventually ironically nailed down a little more firmly by Kudo's still not especially canon design work for the anime filler: The courtly heian robes the kids are put in are part of the iconic onmyoji image of daoist mystics who served the imperial court as advisors in spite of their non samurai/nobility status. The yin and yang motif is alluded to in the "twin fish" aspect of Sougyo no Kotowari[双魚理]: "Law of Pair(ed) Fish" which is itself later alluded to in the Hell Jaws Wailing/Christening oneshot. Unlike Katen Kyokotsu, there aren't two distinct facets to the sword name, and unlike Kyoraku's katana and wakizashi set, Ukitake has a single sealed katana that splits into two for shikai, all suggesting that the nature of the two fish is that they are a singular unit rather than distinct facets. This makes sense of course because the nature of yin and yang as positive and negative elements is that they are in constant struggle but balanced, and cannot exist without one another.

But the nature of the zanpakutou, again, suggests that Ukitake's soul exists as both sides of that balance, that he is is innately capable of just as much "evil" as he is good. And this underlying tone of something sinister beneath his kindly demeanor is something Kubo sort of tries to paly with but never really fully pulls the trigger on. This theme is where the Fullbringer arc's underutilized bit where Ukitake has been using the substitute badge as a means of surveillance, and where Ukitake is implicitly the one who stripped Ginjo of his powers in the first place, having also monitored him during his tenure as substitute. It implies that, like Kyoraku's two sides to his drink and revelry, Ukitake's inner truth about being an agent of cosmic balance comes in a dark and a light form.

So then there's this thing about Ichigo's stupid new zangetsu(s) where he both has two swords now like Kyoraku and Ukitake, but also doesn't because we get the janky sort of excuse that "oh they're not really two different swords one's just a sheath and their true form is one sword."

And to be fair, while I find the explicit use of that line to try and handwave... i don't know what exactly, but it definitely felt like Kubo thought he was patching up some kind of plothole when he brought it up... we technically already knew that was the case leading up to the first time he addressed it with the final getsuga thing.

In the first inner world fight, the hollow was just a part of Zangetsu that he was able to sort of produce and later reabsorb, and implicitly the opposite was true when the hollow appeared alone during the Visored training: they exist as two sides of the same coin, and can just kind of flip flop control as needed. This made sense as an expression of Ichigo's misguided struggle to deny and rid himself of his hollow --he didn't have two spirits he had one, which again we already knew, but it needed to be confirmed and addressed to cap off Ichgio's arc of self discovery.

Then Kubo tried to sort of rehash this dynamic with the whole the hollow is the sword, and Zangetsu is actually Yhwach's quincy blood just holding the hollow/shinigami side back, but it makes distinctly less sense because when Nimaiya forges the new sword(s) the two spirits show up as separate entities, one per sword. Plus the stupid retconned excuse that, oh no they weren't ever actually the same thing, the whole absorbing thing was just Yhwach actively suppressing the shinigami side. So then what does this really say about Ichigo's nature? Does he have a dualistic nature or doesn't he? Are they two facets of his inner truth, or are/were they always the same singular truth and realizing that was the entire key to self actualization and his true power?

At face value the new explanation divides his identity into shinigami and quincy, despite him having no actual functioning identity as a quincy factionally or culturally, and on a personal level he never actually does anything to reconcile this identity crisis. I know it's a long way around to just point out that it fumbles the theming a lot here, when that was fairly evident even without the context, but I guess I just wanted to bolster that. In the first place i think everyone reading at the time understood it to feel very inauthentic as a twist? like most of the developments of the late arc. Just another case of Kubo phishing around fandom chatter for stupid ideas he could play into to siphon ratings out of.

But again the bottom line being that we had precedent for Ichigo to have two swords in one of two ways: Ukitake's style of having a single identity that encompasses both the best and worst of his inner truth, or Kyoraku's suggested style in which his two facets exist in distinct and separate entities but ultimately both reflect him as truths about his nature. But Ichgio doesn't really do that. His original balance of shinigami and hollow seemed to be a satisfactory solution in the style of Ukitake's, and if he'd just had one shinigami/hollow sword and one quincy sword, that might have been acceptable in Kyouraku's style, but the flipflopping between the two by making the final form just a big sword inside a different big sword where one of the big swords is a sword, but the other sword is just a sheath to hold the first sword(???) is just this bizarre gibberish of themes and symbols.

(I've had this thing sitting in drafts for so long i forgot abotu it. and I swear I had some kind of actual conclusion I was working toward across various rewrites but i don't remember what it was anymore... anyway it's taking up space in my drafts that could be better used, so out it goes..)

[liskantope]

I have a lot of mixed thoughts nowadays about the "threat to democracy" angle to Trump's potential re-presidency.

On the one hand, Trump has made it abundantly clear, from long before the period of the 2020 campaign season when he began priming his base to expect the election to be rigged against him, that he has a fundamentally antidemocratic mentality, that for him, the concept of "democracy" is what it means to a (not particularly bright) second-grader: a fancy word for something that in the US we say we value all the time but which doesn't mean anything of significance. He has instilled a similar mentality among his cult following, and it's eroding our collective sense of what it means to be the United States and our once robust underlying trust (across political ideologies) in our system of elections. It already culminated in the events of January 2021, which made our country an embarrassment to the world and suggests that more violence and strife is in our future as long as he's on the political scene (even if Harris wins in November, I'm dreading how the Trumpists are going to react).

For me on a gut level, the deepest pang of insult and disgust (among very many!) associated with Trump getting into the White House again comes from the idea that he's unqualified not only in his inability to competently handle object-level issues but on the meta level of having no respect whatsoever for democracy, which to me represents the error-correcting mechanism of supreme importance in any system and the primary feature that, uh, makes America great (and revolutionary, back in the 18th century).

But then, at the same time... let's say he wins again. Where does his disrespect for democracy lead, exactly?

Trump has very deliberately undermined trust among his base in elections, and this time around he'll do better with appointing people in crucial positions who will fix elections for him, but what will this mean, concretely? It seems to me that the worst I can conceive of, without inventing scenarios that go completely off the rails, is that Trump manages to find the energy and knowhow to fix the results of a number of 2026 midterm elections and then get through more legislation in the second half of his term than he would have and maybe this includes an abolishment of term limits so that he could run again and fix the results to win again. This does seem quite bad, but it's also pretty far-fetched that he'd actually be able to do all this (starting with doctoring the visible results of a great enough number of midterm races to make a real difference), and anyway, the damage done would be severely hampered by (1) the fact that he'll be getting into his 80's and seems quite likely to drop dead quite suddenly, and (2) his lack of actual focused ideological beliefs (like what's he actually going to try to accomplish with one or two more terms?) -- he's seeking to get back into the White House basically because campaigning is fun and power and attention feel good and it's a way of screwing around and keeping the law from catching up with him.

Maybe I'm lacking in imagination on this, and I do remember Sam Harris having someone on his podcast who described a very concrete scenario of Trump eroding democracy if back in power that sounded pretty scary the way it was spoken at the time, but I can't remember the details now. Meanwhile, the recent Supreme Court decision about presidential immunity seems murky and up to interpretation and like it would maybe require a pretty contrived situation to allow Trump to get away with something truly dictatorial.

I think it's good that Democrats are reminding voters over and over again how incredibly offensive Trump is with regard to his attitude towards our democratic ideals; it seems that a lot of Americans care about this (rightly) and it will help Trump get defeated. That said, I don't know that it does any favors to throw around such vague and dramatic phrases as "will destroy democracy" though. First of all, what does that mean? Secondly, to the extent that it exaggerates the situation, it sounds hysterical, which is something the other side can always capitalize on. I suspect it has, at least in that Trump himself has noticed on some level that he can use desperate and freaked-out-sounding rhetoric from the other side as fodder for trolling.

It really bothers me the way the anti-Trump side has completely taken the bait in moments like Trump's comments about how he'll be a dictator on day one only. It would be one thing to be upset and offended because Trump's cult has flaunted the democratic process and the perception of it in serious ways and so it's in extremely bad taste for him of all people to be flippant and joking about it. It's another thing to hear the "I'll be a dictator but only on day one" comment and conclude in a serious tone, "See? He just admitted right out that he wants to be a dictator!", as if we shouldn't all have the collective psychological intelligence to understand that speaking that way is a form of mischievous, irreverent, trolling-while-projecting-a-strongman humor that Trump has always specialized in (and is indeed what makes him so refreshing to so many people).

I'm similarly really annoyed at the reactions -- including from such smart and sensible commentators as David Pakman -- to Trump's recent remark to a Christian audience about going out and voting just this one time and then he'll "fix" it so they won't have to vote again. I heard that the first time, and it was fairly obvious to me that there were several more likely explanations as to what he meant in context apart from "I'm going to make myself dictator for life" -- the first one that came to my head was "the main reason why a lot of Christians vote is the abortion issue, and Trump is implying that he'll 'fix it', meaning get an amendment passed banning abortion everywhere". Then I saw in an clip from a Trump interview afterwards (I only saw this because it was played by David Pakman I think, though he professed not to understand any sense of what Trump was saying) that Trump's explanation for the remark had to do with Christians not voting in very large numbers. ("I know you don't always care enough to vote, but do it just this once and then you won't have to again" actually sounds very close to the usual line, popular on the liberal side, about "this is the most important election of our lives", with my own personal addition of "vote to resoundingly defeat MAGA so that maybe the each subsequent election won't continue to be the most important of our lives.") I found out today from Matt Lewis' weekly podcast episode with Bill Scher that the context of Trump being concerned about low Christian voter turnout was in fact plainly acknowledged in earlier parts of Trump's same speech, although Scher says that the oft-cited notion of Christians not voting is a myth. Trump's confident claims that he'll "fix everything" are characteristic of him (and one of his main recognized demagogic rhetorical faults he's ridiculed for!) and a much less athletic explanation for his comment than "I'll change the country so that there won't be any elections", a thing that he's never said or implied.

Of course, if Trump cared a shred about truly assuring people that he has no dictatorial inclinations, he would be careful not to make comments that could even remotely be interpreted as such, and one could argue that in that context his "vote for me now and I'll fix it so that you won't need to again" comment was offensive. I'm not sure whether he maybe even intended that comment to be misinterpreted by his opponents this way so as to rile them up, although I seriously doubt that he was being that clever. I just wish people would stop feeding the troll and walking right into the trap of interpreting as much as possible in terms of "destroying our democracy" and treating every remark Trump says as a way of taking the man much more seriously than he deserves, even while at the same time we could simultaneously call attention to the seriously threatening aspects of Trump and Trumpism.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

blurring

it feels like I spent most of my life

staring through the welling of my own tears

it always made things difficult to see fully

and I learned how to see that way

clearly but with that subtle movement

that ability and capacity to suspend my belief

and also deny my own reality

a barrier of water between me and the pain

of having a sensitive heart and a curious mind

in an environment where people didn't

want to question or change things

just live their version of peace

and deny anything outside their strict limitations

negative emotions were absolutely prohibited

and all I felt were negative emotions about

they way I was forced to understand the world

and I somehow knew it wasn't the same everywhere

and so I escaped into stories of others

and wrote a few of my own to live in

until it was time for me to make a move

and get the fuck out of a situation

that always seemed to be slowly closing in on me

why did I keep finding myself in these situations?

what was I doing wrong?

why couldn't I just fucking belong somewhere?

but I never got a chance to learn how to belong to myself

just fit myself as a character into other people's stories

and other people had such boring ass stories

but still hope I'd get hired more than a seasonal role

hasn't quite happened yet but I'll keep trying

plus I have a few new tricks up my sleeve

I didn't have last season and I think things are going

to get really dicey but in the best kinds of ways

more calculated risk taking and savvy negociations

rather then showing up like a dandelion

to fulfill some crack in the concrete's aspirations

apparently I need a "sense of self"

which is really interesting

because I've always saw myself clearly

and reflected and ruminated on my own behaviors

pretty obsessively and routinely

but I believed the "self" others projected on me

because I crumbled under the pressure of unaccountability

in others because that's the only thing I learned

how to do since I manifested as a soul into a body

it's really interesting to see how people treat you

when they don't want something from you

how people treat you

when suddenly they do

it feels like I've never known a time

where someone wasn't asking me

to do something I didn't want to do

then painfully justifiying anything they did

to make me submit to the task

it's all I fucking knew from people who loved me

but I think it's time I learn something new

and I've pruned myself down to myself

so there's really no more pruning that I can do

and cutting myself down to size isn't an option

they say to change a behavior

you have the best success rate

if you essentially make it your identity

and I've made so many different identities

that I've spent most of my spring and summer

integrating all the aspects I separated myself into

some of them weren't all that pretty

but making friends with all the past versions of yourself

is pretty much a requirement in your thirties

or else you become some kind of ghost of yourself

and I don't mean that implication lightly

I'm not who I was and I only have a vague idea

of who I am going to be and this time

I'm the one responsible for all of it

and while I'm always happy to blame myself for something

the pressure is real and slightly suffocating

but I think for me as I'm writing this

which is the time when I am most honest

is when I'm writing anything

I think it really all is going to be in a name

I'm still living under this ghost name

doing my ghost tasks of a ghost wife

with my very real children

and my very real role as a mother

in the tomb house of my marriage

expecting something to randomly change

and inspire me into an action I'm desperate to take

I just don't know... what action to take

and when I try to think about it

my heart and chest suddenly become rocks

which is difficult for my lungs to breathe around

and my mind becomes pinball machine

with voices that say 'it hurts, make it go away!'

in a rather panicked chorus

and suddenly there's fire somewhere

and maybe I could order pizza

and... I guess now is a good time

to take a chisel to that stone in my chest

because this isn't going anywhere

and neither am I

but first I'll dance

because this is hella uncomfortable

and this energy needs to go somewhere else

fuck the intensity is overwhelming

sometimes healing is the woooooorst

(but I will feel better after I deal with it)

[quinklequonkle]

Hnnghhhhh Dream time

I don't remember exactly how this one started but I know me and my mom were being chased by this crazy man with a knife.

We ran all over the house until we eventually came to a room but somehow he had gotten my mom and stabbed her a few times in the stomach and neck.

So now I'm really scared and I want to scream but I grab my mom and pull her inside the room, closing the door with my feet because for some reason IT DIDN'T HAVE A DOORKNOB!!!

Anyway, frustrating dream door aside, he pushed past it harshly. Now he had a butcher's knife and since I was on the ground, he raised it above his head with his bloodshot crazed eyes and I thought it was over for me. I really just waited for the pain

But it never came. Apparently certain times of the day he'd just be paralyzed for a couple of seconds. I got up as fast as I could, grabbed the knife, kicked the man over, and brought it down on the back of his head until it was clean off his body.

That man's brains were everywhere, it was a nauseating sight so I looked away from it and helped my mom up and somehow she was completely fine???

I helped her out of that place, a long with our cats and went back to the room to get anything we may have left.

That man's head was nowhere to be seen.

So now I'm having a pretty big oh shit moment and my heart starts to pound in my ears, then I back up before turning to run into the huuuuuge empty living room this place had and guess who was there with a wicked grin on his face?

THE MAN.

And he had his butcher's knife back so yay me! I had to constantly dodge his swinging, it didn't matter that it felt like he could teleport by how fast he moved, I needed to live.

Eventually I got enough distance from him to fumble with the outside door, successfully unlocking it and running outside.

But that didn't mean he was limited to that house, oh noooo, he followed after me with taunts. I banged on people's car doors for them to help me and the man goes: "you know I'm just going to come with you, right?" Which I reply with: "DON'T YOU HURT THESE PEOPLE!!! GET AWAY FROM ME" And took off again.

My feet were beating against the concrete to get away from him, breath hot and labored from all the intensity and yet he was still gaining on me. It was weird cause I also saw one of my cousins who passed away talking to someone and about to get in her car.

Even though I needed help, I didn't want to bother her and kept running up the block until I came to an empty highway. I could hear the man's voice like an echo in my ear: "No one would find you and I'll get away with it."

I had to keep it moving but at this rate, he'd catch up to me in no time. Thankfully though, there was a part of a fence where other people and joined them.

The man followed me of course but he couldn't do anything too drastic because now there would be many, MANY witnesses. So you wanna know what he did?

He picked up some random kid and took off. Like huh??? If his intention was to make me and a couple of other people follow, it definitely worked because that kid deserved to be safe. We eventually got to him which he eventually got to me somehow and now we were alone.

He didn't kill me right away which surprised me quite a bit, he said some really weird stuff that I can't remember... It gets very vague towards the end of the dream.

Now I'm in another one or maybe my dream just transformed but I'm inside a full classroom. It's so strange cause it's been years since I've been in one but apparently I was unintentionally funny cause the teacher would say things like: "do you really not want to get up?" In a: "oh you" fashion to which some students snickered.

In school I had super bad anxiety so it would make sense that I was reluctant about even walking where people could see me. I grumbled, got a pencil, and sat down.

This portion was so weirdly normal, it almost gave me whiplash. I looked at my desk to seeeee

My keys with my Ren Hana charms on it!

I don't know how it managed to slip into my dream, but it was welcome. I played with them and admired the smooth texture with a smile before waking up.

[sapphire-weapon]

About the backpeddled HEA thing, which could very much happen, I would honestly prefer him to be killed off. I've lived through too many things I've enjoyed being vague and up in the air because the creators just NEVER have the balls to write a concrete and full ending. "Interpet as you wish" can be creative, but 90% of the time it's a cop out to avoid mean tweets or whatever, I'm tired of that trope. "Leon living with you-choose happily" is.. so fucking unsatisfactory for such a huge name. Let him go out in a bang and die for something he cares about. Make it his biggest personal challenge. Let him learn something about himself and then let him go entirely.

I know you're not saying that HEA will happen, that it's unlikely even but by god... like half or more of the things I enjoy go with the vague bullshit and it just ruins characters and stories for me completely.

And in context with Leon? He unfortunately... can't really have a happy ending. Yeah, he makes us sad, but walking away into the sunshine forevermore is completely unrealistic for his character arc. It won't happen. Not for Chris either. I think he'll eventually be a self-sacrifice kill tbh, hopefully after somebody has the spine to make Valenfield kiss beforehand lmao.

lmao you recently beat FFXVI didn't you

But Chris can't die per Rose's DLC, so we already know that Chris has to live through whatever "ending" is given to the legacy cast.

And more and more I really feel like Leon doesn't deserve a hero's death. In both senses of the word "deserve."

He hasn't earned a hero's death because he didn't live as a hero. He lived as a tool and a coward who refused to take control of his own fate.

And he doesn't deserve a hero's death in the sense that he didn't do anything wrong to deserve death at the end of his arc. There's no redemption in death because he doesn't need redeeming.

Giving Leon death isn't closure. If Leon died a hero's death, that would mean that the first real decision he's made for himself since escaping Raccoon City at age 21 was to die.

And that feels really shitty. That's not catharsis. That's a character who spent his whole arc being punished for doing nothing wrong, then punished himself even though he did nothing wrong, and then died without ever having had a chance to live even though he did nothing wrong.

If Leon manages to wake his ass up and break his own chains, he should live to see the full extent of the consequences for that -- whatever they might be. His reward for doing it shouldn't be death.

But at the same time...

I also don't trust the Capcom writing staff to come up with anything better, either.

[calware]

ok. before i explain anything i want to clarify that this is NOT a hs2 rewrite concept. this is just how i would like to see the story that we were given so that it's more interesting to me personally. not saying it is necessarily "better." i think that the concept of dirk (and other characters) being a villain only works outside of the context of an official homestuck story. if it was a sandbox "what if THIS crazy thing happened?" sort of setting i DO think it works and that is what this is. the following is in no way any sort of satisfying sequel to read, just something i would find interesting. okay? okay. moving on.

(fyi since this is based on hs2 egbert is a trans woman that hasn't realized it yet, for the sake of clarity i will call her june in this post) also i didn't proofread like any of this so sorry if none of this makes sense or is a horrible idea. ok now we're actually moving on

the ideas that i have are like super super vague so none of this is going to be concrete but the way i see it there are some key changes. starting with dirk i see his original hs2 character as like "i'm not actually evil i'm just doing Vaguely Evil Things so the story doesn't end because i care about my friends wahhh" which i do find to be very interesting i will admit HOWEVER i think that his actual ultself would be way more cruel and show way less compassion than his original utlself's motivations. instead he needs to be the main character (even if that means being an antagonist! fine with him) out of 99% selfish desires and maybe like. 1% because he still cares about his friends. this is very much Not Dirk anymore despite him being arguably More Dirk than before he went ultimate. he's made up of a handful of 16 year old dirks that 'died' (not evil) as well as lil cal, doc scratch, and Lord English (very very very evil) twisting himself into someone unrecognizable. he isn't going to be in-character because dirk may as well have died while going ultimate. he is no longer just a prince of heart, he's a bard of rage and an heir of void and most importantly a lord of time, (thus, the paletteswapped heart ensemble.) his goal is no longer to start a new sburb session (that's not even an evil thing to do. i don't understand why that is his goal in hs2. starting a sburb session does not make you an antagonist. he's an antagonist because of all the things he does to get there, like killing june and brainwashing rose, but those are entirely unnecessary because STARTING A SBURB SESSION IS NOT AN EVIL THING TO DO NOBODY WOULD HAVE CARED) sooo now his goal is to find altcalliope's ghost and kill her for good (LE's original plan, except he does NOT want to destroy the universe while attempting to find her). this is impossible. he knows this. if succeeds in killing her, the universe will fracture as she is no longer holding together the fabric of space (muse of space or whatever) AND SIMULTANEOUSLY the story will be over as there is no more goal for him to reach (the universe ending and the story ending are essentially the same thing.... waow). he still does not want to cease to exist. SO instead he is forced to endlessly fight her while she fights him.or at least that's what his plan is.

everyone is obviously not okay with him killing callie's altself so they are like "oh no. this is bad" unfortunately for them dirk is 1 step ahead and kneecaps 3 of the most powerful characters: rose, june, and terezi, who have the strongest possible chance of beating him (rose because of her sight, june because of she isn't tethered to the narrative, and terezi because she can hear him manipulating the narrative) so he gives rose her fake ultimate self sickness (that's definitely fake btw. he's just doing that to her to make her weak) so that he can cajole herself into becoming a robot. except it's a little more complicated than that! dirk needs to be able to control rose as much as possible because of how volatile she is so he finds a way to make her expendable. he makes an AI from her brain the same way he made the autoresponder from his brain so that he can replace her if/when he needs to while Actual Rose remains unconscious in that giant Tube Thing on the ship. for june, she still dies the same way during that LE fight where she gets bit with the poison tooth thing (this is technically dirk killing her). now that she's out of the picture (hint: not really) he leverages her death and the possibility of her revival to force terezi to ally with him (like a "if you don't join me john will be deaf forever fyi").

it's at this point everyone else is like "hey where did dirk go. um" and has their "oh he's evil now i guess" jade harley kanaya maryam heart monitor hospital realization. altcalliope possessed jade again but instead of having her just ragdoll she uses her as a weapon against dirk (sorry about the continuous loss of agency jade. it's a little old at this point i get it. just bear with me here) (it is at this point that i'd like to clarify that in this story jane is not a fascist but she WAS running for president because dirk cajoled her into that so everyone would be too distracted by the election to focus on the fact that he has time powers now) and everyone is like "OKAY WE NEED A PLAN???"

this is when aradia shows up and goes "i don't think we should do anything actually 0u0" to which everyone responds with "????????????" and she goes on to explain that now that everyone is immortal there is no meaning to life when there is no potential for death. the threat of not existing is what makes life worthwhile, and now that they don't have that anymore there something missing from from the lives they now live. so, although dirk will not kill altcalliope, there is always the chance that he might and the universe will end. everyone thinks this is stupid because it is and goes "aradia that's stupid we're still going to try and stop him" so instead she vows to stop anyone who tries to stop dirk (then she leaves).

so now everyone is MORE freaked out. they decide that before they can do anything with dirk they need to get aradia to Chill Out so sollux, roxy, and calliope team up to try and find her and end up leaving earth. jane and karkat actually decide to team up and keep earth society from falling apart (also, i forgot to mention, the kingdoms are not a thing) now that their friend group is fracturing and quickly causing widespread panic. copresidents real. this is what the refrance. dave is there also.

meanwhile jake is so tired. he is so tired. he goes to kanaya and is like "kanaya i am so tired of getting fucked over constantly are you also tired of getting fucked over constantly" and she's like "Yeah I Really Am Tired Of Getting Fucked Over Constantly" and jake goes "do you want to team up" and she goes "Sure" so now they're a team. kanaya goes "What Now" and jake goes "i'm not actually sure. ACTUALLY lets go get your wife back." btw they are both like 2 seconds away from snapping and going ultimate and having simultaneous joker moments. #TEAMGIRLFAIL.

going back over to #teamevil terezi is pissed because if dirk is going to manipulate her by getting her to ally with him in promise of june being alive again he actually needs to fulfill his end of the very very unfair bargain. as it turns out dirk very much cannot bring people back to life but when has THAT ever stopped him. he does the next best thing and brainclones june as well. there is now also an AI copy in a robot body (i will call her john for clarity) but what's different from rose is that she's not actually aware that she's no longer human. (neither is terezi but she can sense something is very off). on the outside, john's body is virtually identical to her human one but it's alllll metal and wires and electricity on the inside (plus a lot of heart magic, probably). don't ask me how this works. it just does. so john is there now, but it's almost as if she didn't come back quite right. she's just a little bit off, a little bit to the left.

meanwhile, Real June who is still Very Dead cannot come back to life due to the reality poison stuff. she died so hard she got erased. yoinked all the way outside of the narrative, if you will. when she got the retcon powers her relationship with the narrative became permeable, but now she is trapped outside and cannot get back in. however now that dirk did his heart thingy she can use that as a tether to see what's happening. think going spectator mode in minecraft where you clip through walls. she can see what's going on in any place she wants to but she cannot interact with the world. she's like a ghost but instead of being divorced from life, she's divorced from Reality Itself. she ends up like this for A LOOONG TIME which end up with her feeling... very apathetic. for example she thinks dirk is a creep but even if she could influence reality would have no strong desire to stop him other than "idk he's annoying". but she also gets some gender moments, as a treat, and is like "hmmmmmm maybeeee i'm not a boy actually" she doesn't go by june though, i think if it was written out it would be like J?¿? because even though she is going through her gender revelation, she is slowly losing her personhood the more she exists outside of the narrative, including her desire for a name (☹️). also she likes hanging around jake and kanaya.

going back to terezi for a bit she is sooooo mad at everything but she is too depressed to care for most of the story. she just wants to see june and vriska again. this is intentional on dirk's part- he needs to make sure that everyone who has the power to stop him is incapable of doing so and will go to any lengths to make that happen. that said i do think terezi would have some dramatic moments towards the end

now by this point i'm sure you're wondering "so if this is the meat timeline then what's the deal with the candy timeline." my answer to that is that the candy timeline is just… "normal." before i explain further you should read this post because that's the theory the rest of this is based off of. dirk is 1 step ahead of rose but rose is like 50 trillion steps ahead of dirk. it's mind games all the way down. (that childhood trauma really comes in handy sometimes). anyways candy!rose knows what's happening to dirk and she manages to stop him from killing himself because he thinks they aren't real anymore (NOT EASY) and then she has to stop him from killing himself because of all the horrible people that are now partying it up in his brain (NOT EASY) …but i think he would eventually get better with the support of everyone. at least, he wouldn't be suicidal anymore. i think living would be very very hard for him for a long time but like i said they have an eternity to live. maybe he would do some sort of heart thing to sand down his soul idk. i don't know if he would tell everyone everything about what had happened to him but i definitely know that he would learn to lean on the support of others and maintain connections, keeping him from losing it again. that's how it is for june too, and she gets help from her friends with her depression and starts living life again. that's how it is for all of them, and as the decades start going by they all get a little bit better. gamzee goes to therapy and is not a creep. jane and jake don't get together. rose doesn't cheat on kanaya and when jade does want to start a family she goes about it in a normal way and is actually a good mom. i don't think rose and kanaya would adopt a baby vriska because tbh i didn't care about vrissy being a rosemary kid. that said i think rose and kanaya would still have a kid, just not baby vriska. this isn't the important part.

the important part is that rose's gambit is still in play and when they're all in their 40s candy!jade and candy!june (who know's she's a girl at this point) are called on by alt!callie to travel to the meat timeline (idr if that's what aradia and davebot did but if it is that's how jade and june do it) to beat dirk. they do this but candy!jade is like "wait why are you using other me as a puppet. that's weird" so then she and june are now sort of against the both of them? anyways candy!jade helps free meat!jade but in doing so alt!callie is sort of defenseless. jake and kanaya are still trying to kill dirk, aradia is still trying to sabatoge jake and kanaya, yadda yadda you get the gist.

this is where baby vriska comes in. that's right. baby vriska is still a thing. she's not a baby anymore though, she's 16, very ambitious, very reckless, and sneaks into the meat timeline behind june and jade because she needs to do something important and not live a boring boring life like the rest of everyone in the candy timline (she was raised by tavros, cliper, and swifer btw. i bet you thought i forgot about them. i did not). ultimately she is the one to defeat ultdirk (i do not really know what this entails but i don't think he dies. i just think she is the one to stop him, in whatever way that means. i predict that if hs2 ever does get a conclusion it will be vriska who stops him which kind of makes sense to me, so i want to carry that over here). she doesn't do it by herself ofc, but ultimately she is the one to take him down. meat!june probably escapes somehow. john becomes her own person and probably changes her name. other plot points i'm forgetting about get resolved. meat!rose wakes up. candy!jade and candy!june go back home with vriska and she gets grounded for sneaking into an alternate timeline but also she saved the entire timeline so she's immediately un-grounded. edit: just realized i forgot about original vriska. she's there too probably, maybe she gets sent to the candy timeline after fighting LE and inspires candy!vriska to go to the meat timeline. or something. happy ending yayyyy

jasprose and nannasprite are there too but idk what they'd be doing lol

i'm definitely sure that this is leaving out a lot of holes but like i said the concept in my head is very vague and also i haven't read the epilogues in a long time so i'm sure there's stuff i'm forgetting

never ask me for anything ever again

[veliseraptor]

Do you have opinions on chengyao or chengsu(Jiang Cheng and Qin Su, although you could also go for Su She if you have an opinion there)?

I have opinions on almost everything! That isn't true, there are a lot of things I don't actually have an opinion on, but I do have a lot of them.

So on this subject, the continuing adventures in Possible Jiang Cheng Ships (I guess):

Jiang Cheng/Jin Guangyao

This is one of those things where I'm so here for the concept, haven't read any fic, and have a hard time articulating exactly what I want from it. I mean, I am kind of obsessed with the coparenting energy - legitimately love that little exchange where Jin Guangyao is like "don't be too harsh to a-Ling, he's been so upset he barely ate anything" and Jiang Cheng is like "yeah sure I bet you didn't" because it's very permissive parent/strict parent but it's clear that (a) these are familiar roles that they've played before and (b) they're both comfortable with it - like, I don't get the impression that Jiang Cheng is actually upset with Jin Guangyao for arguing leniency, as it were.

(Not that I think that Jin Guangyao is always "permissive" - I think there's a combination of (a) it's a role he's good at playing (the mediator, smoothing over a conflict), and (b) it's a move he can make that'll let Jiang Cheng let Jin Ling off the hook where it doesn't just mean Jiang Cheng backing down on his own. But this is not an ask about their respective parenting styles, exactly.)

It's just...I have definite feelings, I think, about the way that Jiang Cheng actually does seem to trust Jin Guangyao with Jin Ling's welfare, at least as much as he trusts anyone who's not in his own sect. Like, Jiang Cheng is paranoid and overprotective and worries a lot, but I think he believes that Jin Guangyao will keep Jin Ling safe, right up until he's confronted with a very immediate reason to think otherwise - and for Jiang Cheng that goes a long way.

I think Jiang Cheng will let a lot of things slide if someone is good to his nephew. He has his priorities.

Anyway. I don't even know that I want them to, like, hook up or whatever. I think I just want their relationship during the time skip - how the way they relate to each other evolves over time, facilitated by their mutual connection to Jin Ling.

Although my brain is also looking at this pairing and going "humiliation kink" so I'm not quite sure what to do with that. (It isn't Jin Guangyao with the humiliation kink.)

I have these thoughts and I am compelled to share them.

Jiang Cheng/Qin Su

I'm gonna level with you - I don't quite get this one. I mean, I see that significant glance/nod/small smile as much as anyone, but I just don't quite...jive with it as a pairing? I think partly that may be because I associate it with people being nasty about Jin Guangyao, which is a pretty hard nope for me.

However, I will note that I'm deeply intrigued by the concept of Jiang Cheng/Qin Su/Jin Guangyao and now I'm wondering how much of that there is out there. I feel like there's a lot of possible configurations of that triad that I could work with, potentially.

Though I do feel like probably part of the problem is that I don't have a great sense of Qin Su's character, I don't think - I have a vague sense and definite positive feelings, but I don't feel like I have a firm handle on her general personality and motivations in a concrete way that might give me a better hold on a ship for her that's not in canon/involves relatively little character interaction (because it involves doing more work speculating on dynamics, which requires, at least for me, having more of a sense for a character).

So I guess this is all a long-winded way of saying "not necessarily opposed but I'd have to be convinced and I'm not at this point, also don't be rude to Jin Guangyao about it because that makes me sad. :("

[dragonmuse]

Hiii I’m the same anon who asked about soul mates and fate a while back, I loved your answer!! I have another vaguely philosophical question about your world building in the Ledaverse, if you’ll indulge me. I’m a beginning writer myself, and interested in your thought process on this!

Your timeline now stretches a decade or more into the future now, and exists in a version of our world without upheaval (the plague, for one) Was that a conscious choice to create neutral setting unaffected by global events, now and in the theoretical future? Is all that stuff just going on in the background and isn’t relevant?

I also know that it’s a time honored tradition to write from Everytown USA and keep the time and date vague enough for readers to place it on their own.

I guess I’m just curious because in my writing, setting it in the future feels like trying to write ahead of canon and I’m wondering if this was something you thought about. Sorry for such a long note and I love and appreciate your writing and dedication to this whole au it really is deeply comforting to see found family and finding your identity as older people represented so beautifully !!

Thank you so much, first off! I love these kinds of questions because then I have to go back an think a little more consciously about why I made the choices I made.

To your question! I'd say....wow, did I ever have no idea how far this verse would go! For the first huge glut of stories (I'm starting to see them as 'seasons' but I don't have that fully flushed yet) I didn't say anything about time beyond Eddy's age. I didn't say a year until I got to Tender Things ( a full 100k plus into the series!) and realized that I had to figure out what time period Izzy in high school would be. Based on everything else I'd said timeline-wise, it made sense for that to be in the 90s and then I definitely wanted Kurt Cobain's influence to impact that story line which refined the year.

And once I did that, I had to face that I was setting the stories not in amorphous whenever time, but in a very concrete set of years. Then I had a decision, right? Is it our modern day? Or is it....'modern day'. And I went with the latter. I just couldn't bring myself to write about Covid. We all are living through the trauma of this horribly mismanaged plague and I just needed a place in my head where it didn't exist. Where everything is glitter cannons, healing, and music.

This does present some issues, naturally. Is 2035 a summer Olympics year? Dunno, probably not! Oh well, it is now! Did thing X happen to the Leda verse? Maybe, but no one is talking about it! The canon of Leda Verse, much like OFMD itself, has jettisoned most real world events in favor of following it's own logic.

As to physical location, I grew up very close to New York City, so the 'city' has a ton of NYC flavor, but also has bits of Pittsburgh, Philly and Boston thrown in there. It's less Anytown, and more North East US flavor location. I picture fewer sky scrapers the NYC, a little more urban sprawl.

Writing and posting the way that I do means that world building is a little haphazard. I'm sort of paving the road as I walk it! I kind of love it, but there is a bit chaos involved.

[sagemusesoutloud]

Anti-Romantic, Part 1

(credit to the original owner of the image)

Character | Jaehyun x reader Genre | nonidol!au, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Fluff WordCount | 3.6 K Author'sNote | lmaoooo the fact that I intended this to be a oneshot type of thing oops. Wellllll, I tried. Most likely to be a two part series, but we'll see.

This is part of a series I intend to call "If Songs were Fics" and this particular one was loosely inspired by TXT's Anti-Romantic bc I'm obsessed. I hope you enjoy reading as much I enjoyed writing it!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

I don't know who loves me

And I don't care, It's a waste anyways

A romantic feeling, Kinda scares me

“Any plans for you birthday next week?”

Jaehyun shakes his head at you, “no, not yet, don’t you have that date with that barista?”

“I’m not sure, he’s been acting weird over text lately. Might not be worth it,” you shrug your shoulders. “Besides, it’s your birthday! You only get one of those a year, we should plan something.”

You were on your way to the gym, a ritual you and Jaehyun had ever since you both found out you worked for the same company. You had been childhood friends, but ended up losing touch since you went to separate universities.

It was a nice surprise to see a friendly face on the first day of orientation and throughout the duration of your training for the next six weeks. Although you were both from different departments, you enjoyed taking your lunch breaks together and sharing small gossip about your old class-mates.

“ugh, don’t remind me,” he let’s out a long sigh, “every year, it seems like my family won’t stop pestering me about starting a family.”

“What’s so wrong about that?”

“Nothing, just not for me. Or at least not yet. I don’t think I’m the type to settle down,” he shrugs again as if it were no big deal.

You gasp, “how could you say that? I’ve seen your insta account. It’s got your cousin’s kids all over it!” You stop to take a good look at him as he holds the door of the gym open for you. “Back in school too, you used to tutor those elementary kids for volunteering hours. Even when you didn’t need them. You’ve always liked kids.”

“That’s different…”

“Right. Totally different things. Got it,” you roll your eyes. This wasn’t the first time he mentioned not wanting to settle down. At first, you had thought it was because he liked ‘keeping his options open’ like back in high-school. Or, not that you knew for sure, but if the rumors were true then it meant he slept his way around. Apparently, he never slept with someone twice and despite the cold shoulder the other party would get, all you had ever heard were praises. Not that you paid that much attention or anything.

You and Jaehyun had the same circle of friends, but despite that, he had never made any advances towards you. You’d be lying if that didn’t bother you at least once or twice. You just assumed that he didn’t want to make the friendship awkward or mess with the friend dynamics of your group. Which was why your crush on him in junior high ended as soon as you got to high-school.

You ended up going on dates with other people, but nothing that kept your interest. Nothing that compared to how you felt around him. Not that he seemed to think the same, so you tried your best to stay the good friend you always have been. You didn’t want to push something he clearly didn’t want; not that it didn’t hurt any less. Throughout the years it’s become bearable, at least. Almost like a painful habit.

You check in and head to the locker rooms to change. His nonchalance about the subject had always puzzled you. You’d seen first hand how all the female coworkers seemed to sway their hips as they walked by him, how some would pop a blouse button more than usual when around him, and you swore no one else was getting that much help throughout training more than him. He was handsome and a gentleman, that much was painfully obvious.

You meet him outside by the water fountain, “ready for warm-up?” he guides your way to the treadmills.

“When’s the last time you dated?”

You would have laughed if you weren’t so shocked to see him trip from the corner of your eye. “why the sudden curiosity?” He finally responds.

“Not sudden, I’d always wondered.” You defended. “You’re good looking and you’re very…I mean, you live on your own and have your own car. You have good relations with your family AND you’re good with kids. So, what is it?” You hadn’t realized how troubling you thought it all was. But now that you started digging you couldn’t stop.

“I just—” you pause, “it doesn’t make sense.”

You hear him chuckle, “you might wanna slow down before you pull something.” You look down and realize that your pace had gone from a relaxed jog to a borderline run during your rant. Maybe this wasn’t the best time to psychoanalyze your only friend in the city.

“Well, I just don’t know how to let people in. It’s just that.” He finally responds. “I love kids, but I don’t know or think I’d be a good partner.” He slows down before stopping, ending the conversation. He waves you off with an easy smile as you stay running.

Huh, maybe you pushed him too far. Your eyes can’t help but follow him around the gym.

Sweet and bitter chocolate, The taste at the end is always the same

Like the saddest movies, Only tears in my eyes

Your hands were sweaty the entire morning, anticipating your lunch time. It was his birthday today, and while you hadn’t made any concrete plans you ended up agreeing to go over to his place after work. Your gym bag was ready with snacks and comfy clothes to stay over. You remembered him saying he was excited to watch that new Marvel movie that had recently come out so you had bought it online to stream it at his place as a surprise. But what had you nervous was the small heart shaped box sitting in your purse. You didn’t know what possessed you to buy it but you had immediately thought of Jae when you passed by it at the mall. You remember vaguely mentioning that it was a special occasion to the sales lady (as in, his birthday), but she must have thought it was your significant other rather than friend because she changed the box to the red velvet shaped one while giving you a wink. In her defense, you could have protested but…why didn’t you?

You hear a knock on your door, “hey little miss sunshine.” Ah, Nakamoto, this couldn’t be good news. He was only sickly sweet to you when he needed a favor.

“What do you want?” you deadpan. He only laughs as he makes himself comfortable in your office. “Well, nothing in particular. Can’t stop by and see how you’re doing?” he feigns hurt.

“Right—the last time you ‘came by’ you left me working over-time through the weekend,” You sigh, “so what is it this time? Missed meeting? Late proposal?” To be fair, your supervisor WAS overworked sometimes. And since you were the only worker under him, it was normal for him to sometimes share some of the load with you.

He smiles at you, “nope. Just have a proposal for you. I know you’ve been working hard these past few months and I’ve been really impressed by your work ethic.” He stands and moves closer to your desk, “And I thought some sort of reward was in order, as well as celebration.” Ok, now you’re confused. You were ok with the reward part, it usually came in the form of a gift card to your favorite coffee shop, but celebration?

“Why would we celebrate? Did I miss something?”

“Not yet, but I did recommend you to the partner position with me. And I wanted to be the first to tell you that the boss approved it earlier today. So, what do ya say? Dinner on me?” he extends his hand out to you and wiggles his eyebrows playfully.

Oh.

Shit! You were hoping this would happen eventually, moving up from the entry-level position you had. But you had never thought it would be this fast. “Oh my gosh, are you serious?” You give him your hand and he shakes it in mock salute.

“Of course, some people will come by to move your computer to the office next to mine. You start Monday!” he winks, “So, wanna go to that new rooftop restaurant? This is a once in a life-time ticket, so you best say yes.”

But your dinner with Jae…He’ll understand, right? He has to. It’s not like he seemed that excited about it anyway. And you could always spend the day together tomorrow, too. It would be pretty rude to turn down Yuta after he pulled some strings for you…

You smile at him, “Thank you Mr. Nakamoto, I won’t let you down as a partner. Yeah, dinner sounds great. Wanna meet there?”

You sit down on the small table, now nervous for other reasons.

Jae sits opposite of you, a small smile on his face. “Hey you,” he greets.

“hey…” you start, “I hate to change plans so suddenly, but…” crap, you feel really shitty. But you really were between a rock and a hard place.

“everything ok?”

“yeah, no. I actually just got promoted,” you start.

“You did? That’s awesome! So fast, too. Wow—but shouldn’t you be more enthusiastic about it?” he chuckles.

“I am, just—my old supervisor wanted to go to dinner to celebrate. And I don’t think I could say no after helping me out like that.”

“I mean, did you want to skip it or?” Now he’s confused.

“Well, he wanted to go out tonight since I start Monday and today’s Friday…I don’t think I can come over tonight,” you explain.

Realization crosses his features before he gives a small smile. “Don’t worry about it, you’re fine. And he’s treating you! You don’t know when the next time he offers might be,” he continues, “we can celebrate another day anyway.”

“Are you sure?” now you feel like shit.

“Of course I’m sure.”

For the rest of the lunch, a thick silence settles before he excuses himself back to work.

Jaehyun knew this was coming. Nothing ever went his way; it’s why he kept everyone at a distance from his heart. But he was weak when it came to you. This game of push and pull was bound to keep happening, and it only brought him that all familiar foul taste in his mouth.

I know, that sweet love song, Those words of promise

When you turn around, It's just an unfamiliar someone

It was why he decided to go else-where for university, instead of joining you and some of your friends to the one closest to home. He chose to go across the globe—far, far away from the curse of you.

It had started on a windy day, back when you were 4 and new to the town he grew up in. Jaehyun didn’t want to leave his mother’s arms, he didn’t like the thought of being with strangers until later in the day even if his mom promised that she would be back. A little girl with jean overalls like his came up to him and his mom, “why are you crying?”

“I am not!” he sniffed. He didn’t need to make new friends like his mom was trying to tell him. All he needed was to go back home. You took out something from your pocket and showed it to him, “look, my mom said I could give one to my first friend. She said it was sharing. Want one?”

In her little palm, were two kiss chocolates. “You’re not my friend,” he grumbled, “I don’t know your name.” At that, you giggled, “I’m Y/N!” you took his hand and placed a chocolate there, “there, now we’re officially friends.”

“See, Jae? You can spend some time with Y/N and have fun. Before you know it, I’ll be back,” she promised.

“Yeah, Jae! Come play blocks with me, and then we can try the coloring.” You held his hand as you led him deeper into the classroom. Just like that, Jae began to feel a little warmth in his chest. He didn’t mind that his favorite thing to do was play tag outside or that he wasn’t really good at coloring inside lines yet. But that didn’t matter to him. As long as he had this one friend around, he was content.

Sorry I'm an anti-romantic, I want to run far away

My heart that already chases after you, Blazes up as a small flame

Looking back at it now, it was a little funny. All it took to let you in back then was a simple chocolate kiss and your little sticky hand in his leading the way. You were always larger than life to him, sometimes he forgot that you were just as human as him.

As you two continued to grow, nothing seemed to change your friendship. But he knew that the depth of his feelings wasn’t mutual. It was in the way that you brought a lot different people together and decided to call it your family. Another of your friends, Jungwoo, liked to joke that you collected introverts for fun. To Jaehyun, it was more likely that you just didn’t see the fun in leaving people out. You were charming and passionate. Traits he wished he had. Your empathetic nature and gentle disposition were all that Jaehyun needed, even if he wasn’t the only recipient.

Once you guys started to hit puberty, things started to feel rocky. Jaehyun couldn’t help but physically distance himself from you, his ears were always red-hot. You had always been pretty to Jaehyun, but you were starting to become really beautiful. And if the boy’s locker rooms’ talk were anything to go by, then other people were definitely starting to realize “what a great catch” you were.

It really pissed him off. Who were they to say things as if all you were was a piece of meat? It disgusted him. But what disgusted him more was the fact that sometimes, he couldn’t help but also feel the way your body felt in his when you hugged in greeting. He hated the way his body reacted to everything you did.

He first messed around with a senior girl back when he was a sophomore, Sooyoung. She was leaving and he couldn’t take it anymore. Your boyfriend was a piece of trash and he was tired of hearing the way he would share what Jae considered to be intimate moments that had no business being public. But you seemed so happy… that next game, Jae stole the ball from him and scored on his own. Even if it cost him a three hour lecture from the coach, he would do it again. Fuck being a team, that guy was an asshole.

What he hadn’t planned on was liking messing around. He would never admit it, but the reason he couldn’t commit was because he couldn’t get rid of that small grain of hope that glowed in his chest every time you stared at him longer than would be deemed normal. It wasn’t often, but he knew he wasn’t seeing things. So, he succumbed to the cycle of push-and-pull that you guys had going on.

Jaehyun wasn’t blind, he knew that your work definitely spoke of your professionalism, but he’s also seen the way Nakamoto stared after you. Of the way his hand would often touch your waist when walking together. Even now, as he hears you apologize through the phone again as you get ready for your “date” with him he can’t help this heart feel heavy with anger. Anger at himself, for letting you slip away once more. He usually hopes for nothing but the best for you, but this time, he wishes you had an awful dinner.

Sorry I'm an anti-romantic, I don't believe in romance

I'm afraid that after burning my whole heart, It will only leave behind ashes

Throughout the entire dinner, you can’t seem to get Jae out of your mind. It keeps you from enjoying the delicious food, keeps you from keeping your usual banter with Nakamoto.

You’re about to call it a night and thank Nakamoto for inviting you out when he beats you to it, “damn, I was hoping this might be a good break from the usual overtime we do, but something tells me your mind has been elsewhere,” he offers good naturedly, “I know it’s valentine’s, so maybe this is why we feel so awkward, right?”.

You grimace a bit at that, “ah—I’m sorry. I really am grateful for the way you look after me in the company and I’m also thankful for this lovely dinner,” you stop a bit, afraid you might offend him, “I agreed to come out tonight, so no need to feel awkward.” You offer a smile.

“Alright then. I guess you already have your sights on someone?” he prods. Should you be honest? There was no rule against dating outside your department, and you were pretty sure your new boss’s wife also worked within the company. “…I do. But I’m pretty sure they don’t feel the same way. It’s been so long since we’ve known each other. Surely if something were to have happened, it would have by now.” You were loosening up, definitely the wine’s fault.

Nakamoto sighs at that, “damn, and here I thought I could woo you after this,” he winks jokingly but you laugh him off. You knew he didn’t care for you that way. “I really hope you’re talking about the guy you always eat lunch with. I swear everyone thought you guys were married when you were released from training.”

“What?! No, I—we’ve been friends since we were children—”

“Aha! So it was him then,” he smirks. “Good.”

You groan, “Please, no.”

“What, it’s not him? You sure about that?”

“I will neither confirm nor deny that statement,” you groan. Why were you discussing your love life? You push the wine away and take a sip of your water.

“Hmm. That’s too bad. Could have sworn that guy was after you.” He stands up. “But fine, I’ll stop prodding.”

You sigh in relief—“for now.” You groan. “What do you even mean by that? You don’t even know him. Or me, or at least personally at least.”

“Mmm, I don’t have to. Some things you just know. Like how he wishes I was six feet under every time we run across him at work,” he sobers up at that. “He seemed like a cool dude, but his glare isn’t too friendly. I don’t know how you fell for that.”

You scoff, “just because someone has a resting bitch face doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.”

You both make your way to the underground parking. “You’re right, it just makes them unapproachable. Is that why you won’t confess?” His genuine tone rubs you the wrong way, you don’t need be given false hope.

“Stop it, you said you would drop it,” you frown, “Anyways, thank you for the food boss—”

“—not your boss anymore. Just call me Yuta, we’re partners now.”

“Aren’t you two years older than me?”

“And?”

You shrug at that, “well, thanks Yuta. For the food, not for the interrogation.” He chuckles at that, nodding while pulling out his car keys. “see you Monday!” he waves you off.

You sigh as you get home. It wasn’t as late as you thought it was, only a few minutes past nine. You really wanted to see him. Would he be busy?

You fish out your phone and dial his number before chickening out.

“Hello?”

“Jae! It’s me. Are you busy right now?” your heartbeat is pounding so loud, you’re scared he could hear it on the other end. “Right now?” you hear shuffling on the other end, “no, I was just reading that book Jungwoo sent me. Might have dozed off a bit into it but don’t tell him I said that,” he chuckles.

“Why, is everything ok? It’s still early, did you end dinner that fast?”

“Oh, Yuta and I called it a night pretty early. Too many couples were out and about and it got a bit awkward,” you explained.

“Yuta?”

“Ah, yes. Yuta Nakamoto, but now that we’re associates, he said it would be better to address him less formally.” You waive him off, “actually, I was wondering—if it’s not too late, can I still come over? If not, that’s cool. We can still hang out tomorrow, but your birthday is today and I thought—”

He laughs at your rambles, “of course you can come over, you know you don’t have to ask. How many times have I told you that?”

“Ok, ok. Just checking,” you still had your comfy change of clothes in your car, so you opt to save those for tomorrow and change into something causal for tonight.

“Do you want me to go get you? We can get ice cream on the way, hopefully they don’t close early.”

“Sounds like a plan then,” curse your heart for melting at everything he says.

“Alright, give me 15 and I’ll be there.” He hangs up.

You look at your bag, resting on your sofa and you sigh. The entire night, it’s almost as if you could feel the weight of his gift weighing it down. Yuta is known for being very observant, it’s why he was so good at his job. Closing deals and making contracts in advertisement. Would he be right about this? You know you desperately wish he was, but is it worth risking your best friend?

EndNote | Woooow, that was a longass ride. Let me know if you liked it or if there are other typos I missed! Or just to let me know what you thought, that would be much appreciated. I'm thinking of finishing it by Sunday 6/13, so hopefully the next part is up by then. Until then!

Here's Part 2!

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

For the ask meme :)

5, 28, 30

Who are your favorite bands/artists/celebs?

I love a lot of stuff I've never heard of.

In terms of music, one of my favorite subgenres is "everything from the 1970s and a bit more weird, if that makes sense?" It's not really "pop" music, and it includes a lot of bands that I've never actually heard of. It's a little like "new romantic" or "new wave" in terms of stuff I've liked at different times. (For instance, I like early Genesis and I like certain Pink Floyd albums, and I like the music of King Crimson, and so on.) The only reason I can put a name to any of it is because my favorite album is called "No-Man's Land," which is an excellent example of the kind of thing I'm talking about.

If I just said "genres I like," it might not seem very "my style," but if you told me that you thought that I liked "genre X," it would be an overstatement to say that I liked "the kind of X" -- I've always just really liked "stuff I've never heard of." (For instance, my taste in movies covers a lot of genres in a very uneven way, but I've always loved science fiction movies, and I also love "auteur films" like The Graduate -- that kind of film is almost exactly in the "genre X" I'm describing, and in fact I'm not sure I've ever seen an "X" film that didn't hold at least some appeal for me. I guess my favorite example of my own style is that I really liked the soundtrack of "Rise of the Guardians," which is very much in the subgenre I'm talking about -- but that movie didn't really resonate with me for any reason.)

What were you like in high school?

Ehhh, it all went away pretty fast? I was never really popular and I think that's okay?

I don't have that many really solid memories about that period, just that when my mental state improved, I started getting better at it, and I realized that I didn't mind being me a lot. I never made many close friends, but that was okay too. I liked learning things a lot.

5 songs that describe you:

Hmm. I really like songs that have a lot of layered vocals and that don't really feel like "songs," they're just... soundscapes that kind of blend together? I guess this is just a restatement of my general appreciation for a lot of music that feels "vague" in a way that doesn't seem to be "about" anything in a particular concrete sense. It's not like I'm trying to convey some kind of "real" experience, really? It's just a vague feeling of being a bit... not sure how to describe it? I guess that's what I meant by "new wave" in that other post -- it feels like there's not a very solid sense of what it means to be this "me," so even when there's a definite feeling, it's not as though it's coming from somewhere else and getting projected onto me.

I could probably generate a list by just sitting down and writing it, but I could also try to describe it to you and see if I get anywhere.

[a-pretty-nerd]

Chapter 8

Tomura Shigaraki x AllMight!Daughter!Reader

Premis:

When The League of Villains discovers that AllMight has a daughter, they are quick to snatch you up and hold you hostage. Shigaraki had a careful and thought out plan, but that was before you got there. Now you’re in the mood for some not-so-healthy rebellion.

Word count: 2,214

Warnings: mentions of sexual assault (sexual assault does not occur). 

A/N: 

This took so long for no reason, I am so sorry. I hate the holidays, I’m always so busy and can’t do anything I enjoy and it just drained all my time and energy. I’m so glad it’s over. Anywhoo, I hope ya’ll like this chapter! 

Chapter 7 Chapter 9

You starred up at the ceiling, nodding off into space as your mind wondered. The cracks in the ceiling painting an abstract paining, giving you much to ponder on. You had been thinking about Shigaraki. The man had plagued your thoughts. You knew very little about him and it bothered you.

He subverted every expectation you had about villains. He was ruthless and driven, yes. Crude and dastardly, of course. But the glimpses of kindness he showed you, made your mind spin. Why was he so kind to you? Why was he training you to use your abilities? And why, on God's green earth were you attracted to him?

It made your head spin to think about. About him. His eyes. It was those red eyes. So bright in color and deep in thought. The way he looked at you, like he saw you. When was the last time someone had looked at you that way? Reality would soon sink in after these thoughts. Reminding you that you should fear him, hate him even. That you should be working to get yourself free. But, you hadn't made a single attempt to escape. What was there to escape? You weren't in any immediate danger. In fact, you were being taken care of.

A knock at the door shook you from your train of thought. Without waiting for an answer, the man you knew as Dabi walked in, and closed the door behind you. His glassy blue eyes watched you as he moved. He stood up against the wall adjacent from you, watching you, leering over you. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe, this is where your torture begins. Wordlessly he looked away to pull out a pack of cigarettes, place one to his lips and then look back at you.

"You don't mind, do you?" He asked. You shook your head. He turned away to use his quirk to light the thing and then silently take a few drags as he looked off into the distance. Was he going to rape you? This was the perfect opportunity for him to. You were honestly shocked you hadn't been by now. Normally, kidnapping victims were sexually assaulted in some way. But no one seemed interested, until now.

Would you have to fight him off? Could you fight him off? If you screamed would anyone come to help you? Would he kill you?

"What do you want?" You asked after a few minutes of silence. He looked back at you and raised a brow.

"I just wanted to smoke in piece. It's raining outside." He told you before going back to his smoking. "I do have a question for you though."

"What?"

"You really the big guy's daughter?" He took another drag.

"Yeah. Why?" He shrugged.

"The way you talk about him. Sounds like you don't get along." You shrugged.

"I don't know him enough." Dabi scoffed before finishing his cigarette and stomping it out. He licked his lips and kicked his leg as he shifted his weight. His eyes darting back to the door before looking at you again.

"You ever wanna be a hero?" He chuckled.

"No." Your voice firm and decided. He smiled.

"Why?"

"It's a shit job where I'm from."

"It's a shit job here." He remarked. You nodded.

"I know. Heroes are shit." You shared a few smiles with one another.

"With a quirk like yours, you could really do some damage."

"I know."

"Something tells me this isn't your first time off your meds. It can't be."

"It's not."

"Care to share-"

"No." You barked. The idea of it made your stomach turn and your heart ache. You worked so hard to push that down you weren't about to have that break down in front of a stranger. Dabi raised his brows and threw his hands up in a mocking motion.

"Alright, fine. None of my business." He scoffed.

"What do you want?" You asked again, not satisfied with his previous answer. He sucked on his teeth for a moment before answering.

"Shigaraki asked me to over see your training while he's out."

"He's gone?" You asked softly, maybe a little too softly.

"Afraid so. So it's just you...and me..." He smiled. You held your legs up to your chest and pulled them close. He looked you over and then scoffed. "Don't worry, kid, I'm not that kind of villain. Now get up, I'm your trainer for now and I'm not nearly as forgiving as the boss." He turned and opened the door, waiting for you to follow.

"Do you know why?" You asked as you laid your feet flat on the concrete floor. Dabi looked back at you with an emotionless expression. A face he often wore, it screamed "auto-pilot." Like he wasn't really all there.

"Why what?"

"Why he's training me. I don't understand. Why waist time with a hostage like this? Isn't he worried I couldn't fight back and escape?" You asked. Dabi thought for a moment as he watched you pass through the door and out into the living room.

"What goes through that lunatic's mind is beyond me." He closed the door behind you. "But if I had to take a guess, I'd say he's planning something using your quirk."

"Like what?" He shrugged and walked passed you, turning a corner into what used to be the building's break room, now a make-shift kitchen where temporary supplies were being stored.

"Fuck if I know." He muttered as he went about his business. He opened and rummaged through the fridge before turning back to you. "You hungry?" He asked.

"Um...no." You lied. He starred at you before turning back.

"That's a pity. You need to eat. Keep up your strength. You can't use your quirk properly if you don't have the right fule. Here." He threw a small blurry package at you. The lite weight objected bounced between your hands for a moment before you finally grabbed ahold of it. Instant noodles. Right fule huh?

"This is fule?" You asked.

"What? Were you expecting the fucking food pyramid? Do we look rich to you?"

"No, I just...the way you were talking. Like we were gonna chug raw egg yolks, it's just funny." You smiled. You made yourself the sad excuse for a meal and sat at the small plastic table and ate as Dabi made his own disaster. You watched him. By all accounts, he was a relatively normal guy. It always shocked you, how normal everyone was. How they moved and acted. Not like the villain characters you'd imagined in your head. But just, people.

As he sat down across the table from you, he set down two canned sports drinks, sliding one over to your side without a word. You took it and popped it open before taking a sip. You furrowed your brow.

"Sugar free?" You asked. He looked up at you, as if you had interrupted something important.

"What? Sugars bad for you, makes me bloated." Your smile widened. He relaxed his shoulders and leaned back in his chair. "What the fuck is so funny?" He barked. It only made you laugh.

"I'm it's just...I don't know.."

"Just what?"

"It's just so normal!" You flashed a dazzling smile without even trying. "Everyone here is just so...I don't know, human. Nothing like I expected. They paint this big scary picture on the other side but, everyones just so normal. Even nice at times, yknow?" He brushed you off and went back to eating. "So what's the plan right now?" You asked, picking at your food.

"What?" He asked, annoyed.

"The plan, the big scary villain plan. Now that the plan with me clearly failed. What's the big picture?" Why were you so happy? What's with that smile, those eyes. Dabi looked you over, trying to figure you out.

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah! I wanna know."

"Why?"

"Because." He looked at you like he was waiting for you continue. You starred back blankly.

"Because?"

"Because."

"Oh my god."

"C'mon."

"Eat your food." He ordered.

"Please?"

"Shut up and eat."

"Are you gonna use my quirk to blow up a hero agency?"

"No."

"A military target?"

"A what?"

"Government building?" He rolled his eyes and stomped his foot.

"I don't know! Alright!? I don't know." The room fell silent for a moment. You ate a few more bites before finishing and waiting for him.

"So Shigaraki doesn't share everything with you, I take it?" You interjected.

"No he doesn't."

"So you trust him?" You asked.

"No."

"But you still follow his directions regardless?" You poked.

"Our agendas line up, that's all you need to know."

"Mh, okay. What are your agendas exactly? I have a vague idea of Shigaraki's and Toga's but I don't know yours."

"Why do you care?"

"I...." you thought about it for a little while. "I'm just trying to make sense of it all. Why, things are the way they are." He starred at you for a while. His blue eyes piercing your flesh.

"You already know why."

"Wait? Wait? What do you mean, wait!?" Your mother shouted furiously across the meeting room table. Rows of tables lined with pro-heros watched her out burst.

"I know you're concerned, but with all due respect ma'am-"

"Concerned!? Concerned!? I'm beyond concerned, I am livid! We finally know where my daughter is being held captive and you want to wait!?" She cried.

"Mrs. Please, we understand your concerns and believe me, we're going to get her as soon as we can but we can't just bust in there like last time."

"Last time?" Xavier piped up. "This has happened before?" The heroes looked at one another with a puzzled expression. Your father gave an exhausted sigh.

"A few years ago, a student of mine was kidnapped in an attempt to recruit him. Thankfully we were able to rescue the student, but it cost us. A run-in with All for One, Shigaraki's old mentor, nearly killed Best Jeanist, and led to my retirement. Since then, Shigaraki and his followers have become much more of a threat. We can't risk starting an all out battle again. They've positioned themselves in a very populated area. If we aren't careful, Shigaraki alone could decimate everyone and everything. We have to be careful about this." He explained.

"This isn't just about Y/N's safety anymore. We have to find a way to get her out of there without endangering the city around her." Eraserhead noted, looking down at the papers he held in had hands.

"If that's the case, shouldn't we be sending in heroes who specialize in stelth? If we can get her out there without anyone noticing, we won't have to fight. That way, we have time to evacuate everybody in case of an all out fight." A young voice suggested.

"I could see how that would be effective, Deku. But in order to pull off a mission like that we'd need more information. At this rate, even a stealth mission would be a rash discussion." Bubble Girl stood to attention at the projection on the screen.

"What about the girl herself? She didn't say anything about their numbers or the hideout itself?" DynaMight asked, his brows furred, eyes starring off into space in thought.

"Unfortunate no, and theres no way to contact her further at the moment. It's too dangerous." Eraserhead answered.

"Ugh, Heroes. Useless." Xavier spat, throwing himself from his seat and storming out of the room. Toshinari watched him and then turned back to your mother who sat there with her head hung low. Her dainty fingers shoving tears away from her face.

"This is all your fault." She muttered before standing and following Xavier out of the room. Your father sat there, frozen, unable to process or move or speak. She was right. It was his fault, he thought. If only he had asked you to stay that night. If only he took better care of you, if only he spent more time with you, if only, if only, if...only...

"Um, uh...meeting adjourned. You're dismissed." Your father shuffled out into the hallway, his head hanging low.

"Um...A-All Might?" A soft voice spoke. He slowly turned to find young midoriya standing there. His eyes sparkling as they always did. They never lost their sparkle, after all he'd been through.

"Young Midoriya..."

"...I...I never knew you had a daughter..."

"You weren't supposed to. No one was." He answered with a blank and flat tone.

"Right. Of course. I just...well...she doesn't have..."

"No. One for All isn't genetic so it's not passed on to a user's children. Why? Are you worried that Shigaraki might still be after it?" Deku nodded. Toshinori sighed and looked off in the distance. "You heard the phone call. She seemed fine...she even laughed. I haven't heard her laugh since..." he trailed off. Since she was a child. He hadn't heard you laugh since you were little. The revelation tugged at his weakened heart, shattering it to pieces.

"Sir?" Deku asked.

"Promise me something young Midoriya."

"What is it?"

"The world needs dedicated and strong heroes," Deku looked up at him with a determined furrowed brow, "but don't let it rule your world."

Taglist: 

@craftybean13 @babayaga67 @imjustverable

@bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love

@kamenoyaki @hentaiqween101 @skzero-99 @justanotherlifeff

[funkymbtifiction]

Good day! I'm pretty sure I'm an IXFJ type but still teasing out if I use Si/Ne or Ni/Se. Any advice you have is welcome! :)

I am very much in my own head constantly, observing situations and mulling over mental imagery that pops up randomly at times. Like, I will see an object in the world, such as a rose ornament on a shelf, which will bring to mind Beauty and the Beast "Enchanted Rose", then the mirror that is used in the story to see her family. Which will then then lead on to imagery of Phantom of the Opera (the link being a beautiful woman being drawn to a "beast" like character and the use of a mirror being used as a reveal). All imagery that I find positive and inspiring, giving me a sense of romanticism and that there's more to life than just the concrete.

I have felt that I had to be a Ni user because I dive deep into associative imagery and daydream A LOT. But then I read Jung's description of Si, notably this part "introverted Sensation is sense-perception that focuses more on the psychological reaction to objects, than on their objective qualities. This subjective part of Sensation is most easily demonstrated in art. Even a still-life scene will be painted differently from artist to artist, in terms of its treatment of colour, form, and mood. Si pours its personal, subjective attitude into its perception of the concrete world, so it’s as if it ends up seeing something quite unique and different from what’s actually there" which would perhaps explain why I could be an ISFJ AND live in a world of inter related imagery and impressions.

I would say I'm very much moved by what goes on in my mind's eye and become attached to places, objects, stories, narratives that become part of my everyday life. I did wonder if this was Fi instead although I believe I'm more likely a Fe user because my focus is more on what is appropriate/rude in social contexts, how to best get on with others and yes, unfortunately at times I minimise myself to not be at odds. I do have my own preferences and loves/hates but will not display these so much, especially if I know the person/people I'm with have contrary sentiments. Something I'm learning to get better at, self expression.

I like to have the outer world kept calm and pleasant as possible so that I can dive in deep within myself; I suppose that's why I'm so routine and probably a bit predictabe (read: boring). I have patterns I stick to each day such as when I have my lunch, downtimes activities after work (reading, bathing, watching tv, ASMR videos before sleep). Even when I'm on holiday I'll follow set behaviours like making sure I have a cup of tea before bed while reviewing pictures of the day.

I haven't truly considered ISFJ properly before because of my daydreams and vivid mental imagery. They're vital parts of me. That said, if Si is more to do with creating inner symbols then I can see a case for me having that over Ni. Jun says this also "The Si type’s perception of the concrete world is adapted to the “eternal truths” - archetypal or even mythological patterns of life.

Si, in a sense, sees the background of the physical world. The important thing isn’t the object, but its reflection in the Si type’s psyche. As a result, objects don’t only appear in their present instance, as Se sees them, but also with a vague sense of their past and future, “somewhat as a million-year-old-consciousness might see them”. Si covers the concrete world with a shroud of meaning, subjective experience and archetypal truths."

I also didn't believe I could be a Sensor because I'm not noticing much of the present moment details, at least not consciously, although I am detail orientated in my memory about people, events, objects etc. I'm quite clumsy too physically. I wouldn't say I'm good at Sensing and feel "out of the world" often. But then again I'm perhaps better than I think. I do see myself as a 9w1 in enneagram and a lot of characters I relate to I've noticed are ISFJ 9w1s who are more dreamy romantic archetypes (Beth March, Jane Bennet, Christine Daae). I know you shouldn’t really type by which characters you relate to though, but figured I’d mention too. If anything I probably over explain than under explain! I often doubt my instincts and insights, whereas I understand NJs especially INJs have faith in their insights. I am hesitant about the past too though, wondering if I’m remembering situations that have happened to me correctlyc or rather interpreted them in the right ways. That’s more to do with past trauma though (I was assaulted and bullied by classmates, which gaslighting was a part of).

Sorry I’ve gone on quite long. I understand if this is too long winded and makes no sense.

All of this is absolutely, beautifully, perfectly Si impressionism. :)

Si metaphorical images are easily shared and understood by people everywhere due to the influence of Ne “creating out of” what the Si user deems important. Si users form inner archetypes and impressions, built out of sensory experiences and what individually appeals to and ‘draws’ their interest -- so ISFJs, especially as 9s, can be very romantic, dreamy, interested in archetypes (mythology or fairy tales or knights and maidens fair, etc.) or in mulling over what they most love.

Ni is colder, more impressionistic, more far-fetched, higher concept, and less easy for other people to understand -- consider the movies of Darren Aronofsky or Christopher Nolan or even the television series Twin Peaks for reference.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

im really confused with (my) gender :( I wish I knew what gender even means, because for people outside the queer community it is just your genials, your boobs, your clothing, your hair, and your height. Are those things gendered or are humans gendered ? and if something is gendered what makes it gendered, what does men and women mean ? Ive been thinking about this and I just don't know, the only thing I know is that I love wearing big clothes, looking like a mushroom on a suit and I love being called bonito (means pretty boy in spanish because spanish adjectifs are gendered:( )

my main struggle is that, I don't even know what gender is or means, how I'm I supposed to apply something that I don't understand to my daily life ? how am I supposed to explore my gender identity if I don't know what gender is/means?

Hi anon. I can only answer from my experiences here and other people can probably input with other ideas from their perspectives too, but perhaps you are a binary trans person, perhaps you are non binary. But perhaps you’re neither, I mean questioning and wondering about gender doesn’t HAVE to mean you’re not actually cisgender. Also I am wondering, are you neurodivergent maybe? Because this struggling to understand gender is especially common I think amongst many neurodivergent people. Not that neurotypical people necessarily can easily make sense of it either but it often seems to be even more difficult for neurodivergent people to figure it out. That is probably a big part of the reason why a lot of newer gender labels exist (the sort that bigots love to mock and invalidate) not because all of them are actually describing the person’s gender but because in some cases they’re describing the vagueness of it and a person’s inability to describe it in any more specific terms often because of their neurodivergency (things like autism, various mental illnesses or even some physical illnesses which can impact on the brain and its functioning). There are the terms like genderqueer and non binary or queer used specifically in reference to gender, which can be used as umbrella terms or they can be used just as labels in themselves and these can be used by anyone, neurodivergent or neurotypical. But there are loads of other terms people have come up with for genders and people are inventing new words for them all the time and some of those do relate to specific things like autism or chronic illness which can affect a person’s understanding of gender.

I’m not saying by the way just because you’re confused that automatically makes you non binary - you might be, or you might be a binary trans person, or you might be cis and just confused. But if you think perhaps you might be non binary I will say that you may be better trying to find some sort of blog/group/forum that is specifically for non binary people so you can get input from a wider range of non binary people and see if any of their experiences resonate with you.

In the end though only you can really say what you are as well as what gender means (or doesn’t mean) to you. I think probably gender means different things to different people and how they work out what they are, probably it can be difficult for a lot of people to figure out, quite probably even a lot of cisgender people. I think really ultimately gender is just a feeling, and sometimes I think perhaps it’s as much a feeling about what you aren’t as about what you actually are. Like, if you feel for example you’re not a woman, well that might be a starting point to work out what you are. It might mean you’re a man, or it might mean you’re something else entirely. Maybe you’re agender/genderless and can’t figure it out for that reason? Although you’d probably be best asking agender people about that if you think that might be the case for you, because I’m not agender myself.

Also for some people, they don’t stick with one term all the time. Their gender itself might change (because they’re genderfluid or something like that). Or they might just find a better term or label after a period of using one label. Changing labels for whatever reason is fine, you don’t have to pick one and then just stick with it forever if it’s not right for you or your ideas about your gender change over time.

Society and the culture that we all live in, whatever society and culture that is, will usually tend to gender things like clothing, hairstyles, colours even, as well as genitals and body shapes/types and that sort of thing. And course the more obvious transphobes love reducing gender down to “biological sex” and, essentially just what genitalia you were born with. That’s probably not going to change any time soon unfortunately, but it doesn’t mean those things inherently have a gender, it’s just society in general and these bigoted individuals and small groups as well projecting onto them. You can be any gender and have any body type/body features, wear any kind of clothing, have any hairstyle, etc. Obviously in many cases realistically it’s not going to be perceived that way by the rest of society and that fact is going to put off both many binary trans and non binary people from expressing themselves in the way they’d truly like to because they can’t deal with all the inevitable misgendering and perhaps even worse than that from society. Likely that even puts off many cis people from dressing and appearing the way they truly want to, because of society’s reactions to it. But really, what you wear, how you present yourself to the world, it is your decision, and in terms of things like the clothing you wear, just do what feels comfortable and right to you.  

I can’t really answer though what gender means or is, not even for me. Gender is a human construct, a product of us having a brain and a mind and feeling things, emotions, thoughts, and creating language and words and having a need to communicate with others. But it is a very vague thing really and it’s hard probably for anyone to define what it actually is. I certainly can’t say how cis people know what gender they are because I’m not cis. I am non binary and also I am neurodivergent (probably in multiple ways), and I know what binary gender I am not and feel no connection at all with and I know which binary gender I lean more towards and connect with a lot but... it’s still hard to pin down in more concrete terms. I don’t really feel a need myself to be more specific though but everyone’s different, some people might need more specific terms. It’s OK to want those but it’s OK too to be fine with using more vague terms, and it’s OK to not actually care much about what you are or how people perceive you. And it’s also OK to be confused and question things and take a long time to work it out and it’s OK to change labels too so I mean, please don’t get too into thinking this stuff over to the point where it’s actually causing you distress and worry, in the grand scheme of things it’s really not that important to the state of the world or the universe or anything what gender you are, and whatever label(s) you pick is your choice and something that should be meaningful and useful to you and if questioning all of this is not useful to you then you don’t have to do it.

I’m sorry if this is pretty vague but I really don’t think there is a proper definition of what gender is, or one obvious way of working it out. It’s a very vague and abstract thing relating to very abstract things (thoughts, feelings) and it is also a very personal thing that almost certainly varies wildly from person to person.

- Tiger

[fursasaida]

Do you have any advice for someone who loves learning and reading about all kinds of stuff but isn't academically trained to understand lots of things? Tbh, I'm curious about everything but I feel stupid when I read things I don't understand right away. It's like I lack critical thinking which makes me endlessly sad because that's something I'd like to develop but idk how. It feels like I passively absorb info, and even the things I understand, I tend to forget or don't know how to articulate :(

I think it would help if I had a concrete example or some more details about what exactly you’re struggling with, but I can offer some general thoughts. (I’m procrastinating on some research by answering this, so it got long. If anything needs clarifying, feel free to come back and let me know.)

“I feel stupid when I read things I don’t understand right away.”

I think it’s very important to understand that being smart or being stupid are phrases so broad they barely mean anything. Understanding a text right away means you have certain skills and knowledge that enable you to do that. It says nothing about your potential to develop those skills and that knowledge base.  I am very good at understanding texts, which means people say that I am “smart” because that skill is valued in a particular way. If you asked me to plow a field I would suddenly be “too stupid” to do it, because I do not have the skills and knowledge. But I could learn them!

And for that matter, even if you never become someone who “gets” texts right away, so what? A lot of people could stand to slow down, if you ask me.

This brings me directly to:

“It’s like I lack critical thinking”

That feeling of running into a wall is actually one of the best tools you could have for thinking critically. Many, many, many people who easily understand academic/analytical writing fail to question what they read, precisely because they can just sort of gulp it down. If you are getting snagged on what someone is saying, it’s not because you are incapable of grasping the Expert Truth they are conveying; it’s because on some level you disagree, or don’t share the worldview that underlies their thinking. (Or also, and this option is not always given enough credence, because they’re a bad writer. [Coughs in Donna Haraway’s direction])

This is true even, or especially, if what’s snagging you is that you don’t understand what they’re saying. This is because in their writing they have assumed their readers share a lot of contextual knowledge and assumptions. That’s not bad in itself; if everybody stopped to fully explain every single term, connection, and assertion in everything they wrote, shit would be impossible. But I want to emphasize that if you happen to fall outside the bounds of those assumptions, it not only does not mean you are stupid, it means you are especially well equipped to question and criticize them--so long as you do the work to understand them, in good faith.

(I add that last corollary because there is a problem where people don’t bother to understand where things are coming from before attacking them, and that’s not useful to anyone. But clearly you are not one of these people. I’d like to encourage you to consider these “I don’t get it” moments not as reasons to give up but as a genuinely good starting point for developing the critical skills you so badly want to have.)

An author makes a statement. The statement doesn’t make sense to you. Why not? Are there words you don’t know? Look them up. Look up their etymology, or examples of their being used in sentences, if you need more than the definition is giving you. Is it the content of the statement itself? Then clearly the author and you are coming at whatever the subject is with different background information and assumptions. (This is still true if it’s a subject you know nothing about! That’s a prime example of coming at it with different assumptions. The author assumes a lot of things about the world that you don’t, because you haven’t learned them.) The important question is not What’s wrong with me that I don’t share this author’s assumptions? Rather, the question is Can I figure out what is behind this author’s statement? And once you arrive at some idea about the answer to that, the task is not necessarily to bring yourself into agreement with it, but to decide whether you think it makes sense or not.

This is where an example would be helpful, because “figure out what the underlying assumptions are” is very vague and I’m sure you’re sitting here like, “Oh, sure, just like that.” So, to start with: The things that pull you up short are the things you should ask questions about. What is it in my understanding of the world that makes this statement not make sense? (One way to look at this is: is there a different but related statement that does make sense to me? What’s different between the two, and why does it make such a difference to me?) What would I have to believe, or assume, for the statement to make sense to me? Why did this person mention this example and not those, and can I interpret this choice as something that makes sense to me? Or as a clue that reveals something about where this text is coming from?

And to be clear, when I say “underlying assumptions,” I don’t mean that this only/always means sussing out bias or prejudice in the usual way those words are used. I also mean the things that author learned in their field before writing the text, which you have not. Like, a lot of what I write now depends on the assumption that there is a difference between “absolute space” and “place.” You might have to read up on that a bit to know what I’m saying at a given moment because you aren’t specialized in what I’m specialized in. You might then decide you think this distinction is bollocks! Reading up on it isn’t necessarily just to get you to agree with me. It’s to get you to where you can make an informed decision about agreeing or not.

Often the biggest assumptions lie in the simplest statements. I’m reading about the Cold War a lot right now. If someone says, for example, “The Cold War was the dominant structure of international politics between 1945 and 1989,” this seems very obvious and straightforward. It’s a basic statement of what most people mean when they refer to “the Cold War” at all. It’s “a historical fact,” a piece of information for those interested in history to “absorb.” But there are a lot of questions worth asking about this! Are we sure there was only one, singular (“the”) Cold War? Was it really “the dominant structure” for everyone, everywhere, that whole time? What is a “structure” and what makes one “dominant”? Are we completely sure about those start and end dates, and do they apply everywhere?

Now one can imagine that if I were to ask all these questions of someone who referred to the Cold War this way in a dinner conversation or something, I might appear very ignorant--or “stupid.” But being critical means not accepting things at face value. I may know perfectly well exactly what this person is referring to, but if I want to question the assumptions built into that reference, I have to ask about things that are “obvious” or “well known.”

The good news is that when you’re reading a text, you don’t have to worry about other people at the table judging you. It sounds like right now you are doing that to yourself, and I would very much like to encourage you not to. Having “dumb” questions is being critical. The only difference between “I don’t understand this sentence about the Cold War” and “I have a critique of this sentence about the Cold War” is that in the first case, I have questions about the sentence; in the second case, I have developed answers to my own questions about the sentence. But both of them involve looking at the sentence and saying “this doesn’t add up to me.”

Criticism is a process. Developing expertise does mean getting to a point that you don’t need to do extensive research every time you read or criticize something, but there will always be new things you don’t understand and have to put in the work to be able to critique. The vast majority of ~inspiration~ among academics, if you read/listen to them talking about their research projects, comes out of bumping up against something they don’t understand and just not being satisfied until they could account for it. That could be anything from the way the word “democracy” was used in the Iran-Contra hearings to the everyday social fact that women are routinely expected to have longer hair than men in much of the United States.

So. You are actually in a great place to get better at this, because everybody who is seriously and honestly trying to be critical has to start from making the obvious not-obvious--from not understanding something.

That brings me to the last thing I want to address:

“It feels like I passively absorb info, and even the things I understand, I tend to forget or don't know how to articulate.”

Criticism, or just--learning--isn’t just a process; as what I was saying about academics above already suggests, it’s a project. This is not only true of academics. Plenty of people who aren’t academics do research or study things on their own just because they’re interested. But the kernel of that interest is a desire to understand something, whether it’s for a practical purpose or not. Maybe you’re teaching yourself to sew and having a lot of trouble with a particular stitch, and you want to figure out if that stitch is standard because it’s actually the most functional or if there’s some other reason, which would mean you could use something different. Or maybe you just really want to know what’s up with sea turtles. Either way, there is something you want.

I think if you identify specific questions about or interests in the world and pursue those, you will have an easier time building these skills and retaining information. (This doesn’t mean you have to give up your general curiosity! Just that at any given time, you are focusing on a few specific things.) Information sticks with us because it’s useful somehow. If your goal isn’t just “know things” but “figure out this thing, specifically” then information about that thing has an actual use for you. So think about something that you’ve had a lot of trouble understanding and that you want to understand--not because you feel like you’re supposed to, or because you feel ashamed that you don’t, but because you want answers to your questions. Your project is now satisfying that curiosity.

I find the more I think about a question I have, the more I start to see information that’s applicable to it popping out of the world all around me, everywhere, even when I’m not actively “working on it.” And I remember those things because they are not just “information.” They are of significance to something I am trying to do, which is answer the question. And that question is not assigned to me by anyone else, not even the author of a text I don’t understand. I can only assign it to myself (I have to want to understand that text!).

And you can support this with the way you read! Reading is interactive (yes, even when it’s just you and a page and you’re not making any noise). The more you approach it that way, the more you will retain of what you read--even if you end up disagreeing with it--because you are not trying to be a container for information to fill, which is absolutely bound to leak. Instead you are looking for things that are useful to you, which may or may not be findable in the text you are currently reading. You are not a receiver. You are a spelunker.

So what does it mean to read interactively? It can mean almost anything. For people like me, it often means a lot of making notes, annotations, and so on (the physical act of annotating a text does a lot to help me retain things, for example). I have files upon files of notes and quotes and outlines from different research projects. I write out paragraphs of musings to try to articulate how my questions are shifting as I learn, or what exactly the thing I’m struggling with is. (You mentioned struggling to articulate; writing things out for yourself is one way to practice at this. So is bouncing things off a friend, which I also do a lot.) But it doesn’t have to look like this.

If you are pursuing an interest, then ultimately what you’re doing ought to be pleasurable. (I don’t mean that it should make you jump for joy every second, but the feeling of making progress toward a goal, even if a particular step is unpleasant, is still pleasurable.) If “taking notes” for you looks like drawing, then great. I once outlined a paper by drawing it as a floor plan for a two-story house. I make research playlists that I consider to be functionally identical to syllabi. I have tagged collections on this tumblr that represent some of my thinking through one set of questions or another. What I’m trying to get at is that in working to answer your own questions, you are not just abstractly trying to “understand” something, which miraculously happens or doesn’t depending on whether your mind is ~good enough~ to receive the Content. You are interacting with statements, pieces of information, images, texts, etc., which you are collecting and arranging and rearranging in order to try to reach a place where you’re satisfied. All of that is part of the process of “understanding,” and if you’re genuinely interested in that process, then the work involved shouldn’t feel like homework. So the literal things you do as part of it don’t have to be similar to schoolwork, if those kinds of things are boring or painful or just unhelpful to you. Do whatever! You’re in charge!

So, to summarize all of this: I think the first thing you need to do is think of yourself not as ignorant, stupid, or uneducated, but as someone who is actively wanting and trying to engage and learn about the world. This is admirable! This is exciting! Thus your goal is not to “absorb” information to make up some deficit, or to become some other, “smarter” person who would understand things the first time you look at them. Your goal is simply to answer your own questions about the world. From that point of view, not-understanding is not a problem. It’s necessary. It’s where the questions come from. If you have to answer a lot of sub-questions along the way--if it takes you weeks to really get what a single essay is saying--this does not say anything bad about you. It just means you’re doing the damn thing. But in order to succeed at it, you do need to have some motivation; it needs to mean something to you. (One of the biggest tricks the devil ever pulled was the idea that inquiry could ever possibly be impersonal.) And whatever that personal meaning is is good enough, I promise.

[smileyoongle]

Tsundere BTS! IDFC: In love with the best friend (Song Edition)

Alright so I discussed the need for BTS as tsunderes with someone and I suddenly got an idea. Please please please forgive me if any of it isn't accurate cause this was my first attempt so.... LET'S GET IT?!

Also this Imagine is based on the song IDFC by Blackbear. If you haven't heard it then please do cause it's so good.

Kim Seokjin:

Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face. Tell me that you love me, even if it's fake. Cause I don't fucking care...at all.

Jin cursed under his breath when you wrapped your hands around his arm and leaned your head on his shoulder. It would have been normal if you were his girlfriend. But you weren't. You were his best friend who had a boyfriend. And he was tired of it.

Tired of not being your boyfriend. Tired of hearing you cry only to end up going back to that bastard who just didn't know how to treat you right. Tired of pretending that he didn't have feelings for you. He wasn't good at showing his emotions anyway but he probably would have made an effort if he had a chance with you. But he didn't.

At this point, he just wanted you to tell him that you loved him. Even if it was a lie.

At this point, he just wanted you to look at him the way he looked at you. Even if you were imagining someone else at that moment.

He just didn't care, desperation had become his best friend lately.

"He took me for a long drive but it ended shortly. He got a call from Lila and she sounded hurt so he had to go look aft-" he scoffed at your words, earning a frown from you. He knew Lila very well, the campus it-girl who loved waking up in everyone else's bed but hers. She had tried seducing Jin too but it definitely didn't work on him. The cold wind made you shiver as you stopped walking beside Jin and crossed your arms, glaring at him. He rolled his eyes and turned to you. "Why did you react like that?" You asked, tilting your head to the side. With a sigh, Jin took off his coat and proceeded to place it on your shoulder. "Can't have you falling sick when your boyfriend clearly needs you, right?" He mocked, looking at you with the same cold eyes that you saw every day. You shook your head in confusion, frowning even more if that was even possible.

"And to answer your question, how else do you want me to react, Y/N? Honestly, I'm out of things to say when you keep talking about him whenever we meet. He doesn't fucking care about you. Lila is not a damsel in distress and you know that. If you don't then you're even more naïve than I thought." He stated, immediately regretting his words when he saw the tears building up in your eyes. You glanced down at your shoes and bit your lip before wiping away a tear that escaped your eye. "You talk as if you're so much better. Every time that I try to talk to you, all I get are vague replies. You don't care either, Jin! I really thought I could put up with your distant and cold self but it's hard an-" you explained, your voice cracking in the middle but Jin cut you off.

"Then leave."

As soon as you heard those words, your mind went blank. "What?" You whispered, looking at him with wide eyes. Jin's heart was tearing apart at how upset you seemed. But he couldn't do it any more. He wanted you more than just a best friend. 5 years of hidden feelings had too many consequences. But he knew it had to be done. "I don't want your friendship, Y/N. Don't mean to sound like a selfish ass but I want what he has. And he has you. And since you're very much happy with him fucking around then I can't stand by the sidelines and watch you get played. So do us both a favour and leave." Jin said, his voice sounding more and more distant as you watched him walk away. You pulled his coat tightly around you, telling yourself that everything was gonna be okay.

But were you gonna be okay?

____________________________________________

Kim Namjoon:

You're slurring all your words, not making any sense. But I don't fucking care...at all.

Your hands were lightly wrapped around Namjoon's as he rested his head on the palm of his other hand. Faint snores rang through the room as the sun began to rise, reminding him that he needed to get some shut-eye.

He couldn't believe that he had pulled an all-nighter just to take care of a drunk you.

The you, that had unwantedly confessed to him that you were, indeed, in love with him. Right after the words left your mouth, his mind went blank and his heart kept pounding. He tried so hard to keep himself calm while putting you to bed, trying to pry yourself off of him while you pouted and accused him of not loving you back.

Little did you know....

It had been too long. Namjoon didn't even remember when he first started having feelings for you. But it had definitely been too long. He wasn't the best at this. People avoided him because he looked rude. But to you, he was your best friend that you adored beyond description.

Namjoon tried to sleep but that seemed like an impossible task. He just wanted to sit and admire you while telling himself that you were drunk and you didn't know what you were saying. But his conscience was screaming at him. Because drunk words are sober thoughts.

Namjoon let his fingers rest on your cheek, smiling when you leaned into them unconsciously. But that smile disappeared just as it came when you opened your eyes, instantly wincing due to the terrible headache you had. With panic rising in his chest, Namjoon flicked at your cheek making you yelp. You glared at him while rubbing your forehead and your cheek simultaneously. "What the hell, Joon?!" You exclaimed, whimpering after. Namjoon returned your glare and grabbed the pills he had placed on the nightstand along with a glass of water. Handing them to you, he stood up and started to leave the room, stopping on hearing your voice.

"Okay, am I dreaming? Because by now I would have thrown myself out the window after hearing your lecture about 'Bad decisions and their consequences'." You stated, making quotation marks in the air. Namjoon frowned and turned around, glancing at the empty glass by your side.

"I don't feel the need to lecture you. You're a grown woman who can make her own decisions." He replied, making you frown in confusion. This was not how Namjoon reacted. He always told you how childish you were and only a miracle could change that thought of his. But the truth was, Namjoon couldn't say anything to you after your confession. Mostly because he didn't regret anything and also you weren't aware of what you had said.

"Did I...say something last night?" You asked, hoping to find out why Namjoon was acting this way. His eyes widened momentarily but you didn't notice.

It was really simple, actually. Or at least that's what Namjoon thought. There was no way that he could hold your words against you when they were said in the wrong situation. He cared about you but he was also afraid that you would laugh it off. That would probably hurt the most. He was willing to wait until you said it as if you meant it but if that never happened, he was also willing to forget his feelings, if that was possible.

"No. Now get ready. It's your turn to make breakfast today." And so he left, leaving your heart in pieces. But you didn't blame him.

You didn't blame him for not knowing that you were sober and it was an act. You didn't blame him for not knowing that your words were honest and sincere. You didn't blame him for not wanting you back.

You just didn't blame him.

____________________________________________

Min Yoongi:

Cause I have hella feelings for you. I act like I don't fucking care, like they ain't even there.

Damp hair and damp clothes. Smeared mascara and tear stained cheeks. A wreck is what you were. And the sobs leaving your mouth only added to your misery.

It was raining heavily and you were positive that you would have fallen sick by now if it weren't for Yoongi, who was holding an umbrella over your crying figure while standing in the rain himself. But you didn't notice because you were too busy loathing over being stood up on a date that you had with a guy who had flirted with you for over a month. It was definitely heartbreaking for you, but it was even more heartbreaking for Yoongi, because he had to watch his best friend cry over an asshole when he could've done something about it But this wasn't about him. This was about you.

So he let you cry your heart out as you sat on the concrete with your knees pulled up to your chest, shivering occasionally.

Yoongi had to watch you smile at your phone for a month. He had to listen to your late night conversations on the phone through the thin walls of your shared house. He had to help you dress up for a guy who didn't deserve you. A guy that wasn't him. And there was nothing more painful than that.

"Wh-why me?" You stammered, hiccups making their way through your lips. You had been crying for too long. You didn't even remember when you called Yoongi to pick you up, only to end up breaking down in the middle of the footpath. You didn't even remember when he got there or when the rain stopped hitting you because he placed his only umbrella above you.

Yoongi's heart broke even more on hearing your voice. It held so much pain, he wished he could take it away. "Get up." He ordered, his voice wavering a little. You looked up at him, frowning and sniffling at his sudden coldness. But you were used to it. Because you knew Min Yoongi like no one else. So you obliged, holding onto his arm as you almost fell down due to how exhausted you felt. You gasped lightly on seeing your best friend's drenched state. His lips were almost pale, making you feel guilty about being such a crybaby. "Tomorrow morning, the first thing you are doing is coming with me to that bastard's dorm. And when we reach there, you better slap him with all you've got, do you understand?" He asked, anger evident in his tone. You smiled slightly after hearing his words. And there was no need for you to ask him why. The answer was already before you, so you nodded.

"Good. Now let's go home and get you out of these ridiculous clothes. You look better in hoodies anyway." He stated, grabbing your hand and pulling you behind him. The warmth that ran through Yoongi when he held your hand was unfathomable. It just felt too comforting. He wished to hold your hand forever but that seemed impossible at the moment. He thought he was just your best friend and you'd never take it further than that.

Which is why he did it. Probably his most stupid decision but he did it anyway. He set up a date for himself with your friend, the one who clearly liked him. Not like you would be bothered anyway, right?

"Will you spend the entire day with me? Tomorrow?" He broke out of his thoughts on hearing your voice. He was buckling your seatbelt for you already. Your eyes skimmed over his lost expression. Something was on his mind.

"I can't. I have a date tomorrow. But we could do something after I get back." He replied, turning the engine on and pulling onto the road. You couldn't tell why but your heart felt like it was being ripped out of your chest. Obviously, he had his own life. He couldn't just be there for you whenever you wanted. Strangely, it hurt more than being stood up. Blinking rapidly, you tried to get rid of the tears filling your eyes again. Your eyes closed as you wondered if you had lost your only chance at happiness.

Wondering if you'd lost the only person who thought you were enough.

_____________________________________________

Jung Hoseok:

Cause I have hella feelings for you. I act like I don't fucking care, cause I'm so fucking scared.

You know, the nervous and anxious feeling that you get when you do something you've never done before, that makes you wanna run away? That's exactly how Hoseok felt, dry throat and clammy hands. It was as if he was gonna pass out but he couldn't afford to do that. Dance lessons for the day had just ended.

Which meant, time to talk to you.

Grabbing his water bottle, he watched as all the students left the room, leaving him alone with you. You, the best friend of the absolutely talented but misunderstood Jung Hoseok. He had first met you in this very room, when you had decided to join dance lessons to take your mind off of things. And now here you were, three years and an amazing friendship. A friendship that Hoseok was sure he was gonna ruin.

Taking in a deep breath, he walked towards where you were sprawled out on the floor, lying down in the same position beside you.

It had been precisely two years and 4 months since Hoseok had realised his feelings for you. No matter what he did, you were the only thing on his mind and he just couldn't imagine his life without you. Too much pain.

"I have to tell you something." He stated, staring at the white ceiling. He could feel your eyes on him but he couldn't bring himself to look into them, afraid he'd mess up his speech. "Me too." You replied, smiling at him even though he couldn't see it. You were beyond excited to see his reaction on hearing what you have to say. With a frown, Hoseok turned his head towards you, wondering if you had to say something more important. "You first." He urged, making you nod. You sat up straight and tucked your feet beneath your butt, biting your lower lip harshly.

"I like someone."

The words made Hoseok wanna throw up. His heart was beating faster and his breathing was becoming heavier. Side effects of a broken heart. He immediately sat up and turned away from you, not wanting you to see the distress on his face.

He couldn't even remember how many times this had happened to him before. Being rejected for someone else. It made him feel suffocated. He wasn't expecting you to do the same. After 2 years of preparing himself, this was definitely not what he wanted. He was scared of being in love but you made it seem like it was beautiful. How stupid of him to have let his guard down.

"Hobi, are you okay?" Your soft voice brought him out of his agony. His head was starting to hurt and he hadn't even noticed the tear that had fallen down his cheek. Quickly wiping it away, he stood up and rushed to grab his bag. "Fine." He mumbled, not wanting to talk to you anymore. It was a mistake and he had to fix it. He was better off without you anyway.

Seeing him walking out the door, you couldn't help but feel like things were going wrong when they weren't supposed to. It was supposed to be a simple beginning to a simple love story. You were going to confess to Hoseok and he was gonna say he felt the same. But for some reason, the words were stuck inside your throat.

"You had to say something too." You said, sighing in relief as he stopped in his tracks. After a minute of silence, he finally spoke. "I won't be coming here anymore. Don't waste your time trying to keep in touch with me. I really don't care."

You fell on your knees just as he left, your vision becoming blurry as painful tears filled your eyes. You clutched at your chest with a gasp because it hurt. It hurt too much to fix it. Everything went so wrong so fast. And you didn't even know what to do. Yes, he was cold at times but he did care. Or at least that's what you thought. You lay on the wooden floor, sobbing and complaining about how unfair this was.

About how love broke you.

___________________________________________

Park Jimin:

I'm only a fool for you. And maybe you're too good for me.

Hiding behind his stack of books, Jimin tilted his head to take a look at the entrance of the library. The doors were still closed, indicating that no one had come through yet. But Jimin knew it was only minutes until you barge in through those doors in search of him to help you with your upcoming test.

Jimin hated that you only needed him for studies or when you had to cry your eyes out over some boy who broke your heart. That's all he was. A second choice. And for some twisted reasons, he had ended up falling in love with you. His heart kept screaming at him that it was wrong. Because you were the popular girl and he was just the campus nerd. There was no way there could be something between you two.

Just like he'd predicted, the doors to the library opened and you walked in, glancing at the huge room to look for your best friend. Jimin sighed as he watched you disappear between a couple shelves, only to scare him by suddenly jumping at him from behind. "And what's my cute bean busy with?" You chirped, taking a seat beside him and chuckling on hearing his groan.

"I'm not cute." He stated, rolling his eyes and closing the book that was in front of him. You couldn't tell but Jimin's heart was pounding just because you were sitting too close to him. "Whatever you say, hotstuff!" You shrugged and placed your cheek on the palm of your hand, resting your elbow on the table. With another shake of his head, he shoved all his books in his bag and zipped it shut. Pushing his chair behind him, Jimin stood up and walked towards the exit as you followed him while holding his arm with both of your hands.

"Jiminie, I need your help." You said, pouting at him and batting your lashes. A frown etched itself on your face when Jimin raised his eyebrows and turned to you.

"Tell me something I don't know."

Your jaw dropped in surprise as you stopped in your track, looking at Jimin in disbelief as he continued to walk out of the campus.

"What is that supposed to mean?!" You yelled, chasing after him as he laughed softly at how offended you were. Just as you caught up to him, he pursed his lips, hiding all traces of the laughter he had just emitted. "Just tell me what you need, Y/N." He urged, squinting when the bright sunlight hit his face on stepping out of the campus. He heard you huffed beside him, growing a little concerned for you. Maybe you were really in trouble th-

"I need you to come on a date with me..."

He choked on his own saliva and turned to you with wide eyes. Did he really just hear you say that?

"... actually a double date."

Jimin shut his eyes and took in a deep breath before chuckling bitterly to himself. Of course, it was a double date. How could he even think otherwise? The thought of you going on a date with someone made his heart ache. This wasn't the first time but he still wasn't used to it. He could never get used to seeing you go out with someone who wasn't him. "No." He mumbled, quickening his pace towards where his car was parked. You whined and ran behind him, confused as to why he just rejected you. You had never heard Jimin say no to you for anything before. "Oh come on, it will be fun. My friend is bringing her boyf-" you started to convince him, only to be cut off when he let out a loud groan.

You knew this was a bad idea. Jimin would never actually agree to go on a date with you. You were only his best friend who he tolerated to no extent. Yes, sometimes you used him for different purposes but that was only because you wanted a reason to be by his side all the time.

"I said no, Y/N. Don't make me say something you don't wanna hear because you know I can. So please go and find someone else to play with. I'm done being your pet."

Ouch.

Jimin was so consumed by his thoughts that he didn't even listen to what you were trying to say. He just knew that he couldn't be in a one sided love story anymore. So he made it clear to you, not even sparing you a glance as he drove off. He didn't know what he had done. Because love is blind.

And so is pain.

____________________________________________

Kim Taehyung:

I'm only a fool for you. But I don't fucking care...at all.

The party had ended after the fight between your boyfriend and Taehyung. They both had mercilessly kicked and punched each other as if their lives depended on it. Taehyung couldn't explain the anger that he felt after hearing your boyfriend's disgusting comments about you. This wasn't the kind of disrespect that you deserved and he wanted you to know that. For years, he had tried to keep you away from boys who only wanted you for sex. In his eyes, no one could love you like he did. But this time, he had failed.

You pulled your hair in frustration and walked towards the front door. Everyone had left, including your boyfriend. You were mad and confused because of how the night turned out. The fight took you by surprise because you didn't think there was any bad blood between Taehyung and your boyfriend. Actually, no, you didn't think anyone could have any problems with Taehyung. Firstly, because he didn't really talk to many people and came off as an introvert. And secondly, he was the most loving person in this entire world. But then again, no one knew him as you did. Even though he never told you, you knew just how much he cared about you.

That wasn't the only thing though. Before leaving, your boyfriend had told you to stay away from your best friend. Why? Because he had feelings for you. And for some reason, your heart fluttered. You sighed on seeing Taehyung sitting on the front porch of your house and approached him.

Taehyung noticed you sitting beside him. He was currently debating with himself whether he should let you in on his feelings or not. Because there was definitely a possibility that you would change your mind about your boyfriend.

Maybe you'd leave him to be with Taehyung.

The thought made him giddy but anxious. "Tae, what was that back there?" You asked softly. The light from inside the house illuminated his face a little, making him look even more ethereal than before. "He talked shit about you," Taehyung replied, clenching his jaw on remembering the exact words. You couldn't bring yourself to defend your boyfriend. You believed your best friend. It warmed your heart to think that he protected you, like always.

"If you think I did this for you then stop assuming. I...I.... nevermind I did it for you." Taehyung slumped in defeat. He didn't want you to think he was weak for you but he didn't know what to say without making you upset either. You chuckled and leaned your head on his shoulder as he smiled softly. The cool air made you feel cold and you pouted while rubbing your arms to keep them warm, failing eventually. You grabbed taehyung's arm and placed it around your shoulder. His breath hitched and a blush crept up his cheek. "Tae, I have a ques-" before you could ask him, he answered.

"I like you, Y/N."

You lifted your head from his shoulder and looked at him. His face was so close to yours, you could kiss him. You could kiss him and forget all about your current relationship. You could be happy with someone you've known all your life. You could-

"I have a boyfriend, Tae."

The words were out before you could stop them. You wanted to jump off a cliff on seeing the hurt expression on taehyung's face. You had just broken your best friend's heart. The best friend that you probably liked. Taehyung immediately stood up and started walking towards his car. He couldn't see your face anymore. All this time he was thinking that maybe you'd realize that your boyfriend was a heartless bastard. Maybe you'd realize that someone could love you more. But no, you were still reminding him of why you couldn't be with him. He was a fool to think that you would give him a chance. Your voice called out to him but he didn't turn.

He didn't wanna stand by you anymore.

____________________________________________

Jeon Jungkook:

You've been out all night, I don't know where you've been.

Jungkook threw the phone across the room in anger, wincing internally on thinking about the damage that could have happened. He had tried calling you about 30 times but you hadn't picked up. It worried him a lot since he had absolutely no idea where you had gone even though you did tell him it was a girls' night out. You had never stayed out until 3 before so Jungkook thought there must have been something wrong.

You and Jungkook were housemates, mostly because you both were best friends but also to help with the expenses. College had treated you both well so far. Jungkook was the golden boy while you were just another average girl living her best life. You had to admit that a part of you actually really liked Jungkook but you figured it was wrong so you buried those feelings away. And Jungkook? He had realised the extent of his feelings only after he had seen another notoriously popular playboy hitting on you. It made Jungkook so pissed that he ended up punching Trevor while threatening him to stay away from you.

Because you were the most innocent and beautiful girl he had ever met. Your eyes, the curve of your nose, your plump lips, your soft skin and your long hair. Every single thing about you became a reason for Jungkook to fall harder. The distant but popular hottie of the college was hopelessly in love with his best friend. And she didn't know.

Loud music and cheers of people grabbed jungkook's attention as he rushed to the window in the living room, only to see you walking beside the very playboy who Jungkook had punched, Trevor Marshall. You smiled at him as his friends cheered at him from his car, oblivious to the person waiting for you inside your humble abode.

You flinched as soon as you opened the door to the house. Jungkook stood in front of you with his arms crossed, his eyes glaring at you with sheer intensity. You were about to greet him but then you remembered what Trevor had told you so you returned his glare and shut the door behind you.

"What was Trevor doing here?" Jungkook asked, making you shiver on hearing his voice. You gulped but composed yourself and dropped your coat on the floor after taking it off. Jungkook's eyes raked over your body. A skin tight dress hugged your body and showed off your curves in all the right places. How did he not notice what you wearing before you left the house? Oh right! The coat. "Dropping me off. What else? Oh and by the way, he told me something very interesting." You mocked, brushing past his shoulder and into the living room, not catching his eyes on your hips. Jungkook gritted his teeth and followed you. He was absolutely not worried about you knowing what he did to that stupid asshole. "What did he say?" Jungkook asked, watching as you stood in the middle of the room with your hands on your hips.

"You punched him and told him to stay away from me. What the hell, Jeon? You think you can do whatever you want with my life when you have girls throwing themselves at you?!" You bellowed, your chest rising and falling rapidly with how breathless you felt. At this point, Jungkook was equally mad at you. You were talking as if he wanted that life. "I'm protecting you, Y/N! I know that guy better than you and all he wants is to get in-" Jungkook hated being interrupted and that's exactly what you were doing. This was only riling him up more.

"All this time, I thought something was wrong with me but it was you. You kept everyone away from me. Why, Jungkook? Why?!"

"Because I'm falling for you harder and harder everyday!"

Your breath hitched and silence took over. Jungkook mentally cursed at himself for acting this way. He should've known better than to say this. Judging by your expression, it was clear that you definitely didn't think the same.

Misunderstandings.

These were the very words that you wanted to hear so badly. It made you feel all warm and fuzzy. But all of it went as soon as it came upon hearing your best friend's next words. "But don't worry, Y/N. I'll just take this burden off of you. Go and do whatever the fuck you want. I was stupid to think you'd appreciate this. But now I won't bother you. Don't come crying to me though. Because right from this moment, I don't fucking care what you do with your life." He spat and rushed to his room, slamming the door shut as tears filled in your eyes. Jungkook knew that he was too harsh. He always regretted the things he said when he was angry. How did things go from right to wrong so fast? How did you get confessed to and rejected at the same time? You sat on the couch and ended up crying yourself to sleep, your thoughts consuming you in an endless abyss.

How did love embrace you only to tear you apart?

Well, I kinda messed up some of the members but... can't blame me for trying, right? Anyway, I know my requests are closed but you can absolutely send in song requests too. Give me a song and I'll write what I interpret out of it's lyrics. Alright, goodbye!

-XX