#i mean we can’t even get Harriet Tubman on the dollar bill so much less art icons | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

radioleary-blog · 6 years ago

Text

When Chuck Norris Got Bullied, He Called Evel Knievel

I simply can’t keep up with all the crazy things the Trump administration has been up to this past week. He’s only been President for two weeks and he has caused more protests than we have seen in this country since the ending of the last episode of ‘The Sopranos.’ Seriously, after eight seasons, how dare they just cut to black as the Sopranos are sitting there in a pizza joint? If I wanted to decide for myself what happens to Tony and Carmella, I wouldn’t have paid for eight years of HBO. I’m certainly not paying for HBO because of the incredible selection of the same dozen movies they run over and over again until you know every line of dialogue between John McClane and Hans Gruber. You know what? Rather than invent examples, I’ll just grab the remote and check what’s on HBO right now. I have the whole package (if you know what I mean), so I’m sure there are some real cinematic masterpieces. Let’s see...okay, here we go. ‘The Princess Diaries’, from 2001. ‘The Bonfire of the Vanities,’1990, followed by ‘Problem Child 2’, 1991. Then ‘King Ralph,’ ‘Sixteen Candles,’ ‘Wall Street,’ ‘Blues Brothers 2000,’ ‘Demolition Man,’ ‘Point Break,’ and ‘Panic Room.’ Wow, cancel all my appointments! I know what I’m doing for the next 18 hours! Screw the Superbowl, I’ll be watching Charlie Sheen before Aids, Wesley Snipes before prison, and Jodie Foster before she came out of the panic room closet. And luckily, I have HBO West, so I get to watch them all over again three hours later in case I missed something the first ten times. Are you kidding me? These are all movies I would gladly pay fifty bucks a month to avoid.

This week Trump pulled more crazy stunts than anyone since Evel Knievel built a rocketship to jump over the Snake River Canyon. And we all know how great that turned out. There are parallels between Evel Knievel and Donald Trump, I guess. Trump wants to build an enormous wall in the desert, Evel Knievel built an enormous ramp in the desert. Of course, the ramp was built to get you across a river, and the wall will be built to stop you from getting across a river, but, whatever. When Evel Knievel appeared somewhere, the crowds would all shout “Evel!”, and whenever Trump appears somewhere, the crowds all shout “Evil!” Kind of similar, but again, whatever. People watched in horror as Evel Knievel’s motorcycle crashed during a jump, on a bus, and people listened in horror as Trump was recorded talking about grabbing pussy, on a bus. Both were consummate showmen, both were thin-skinned, angry, and hated critics. Both were constantly feuding with the media even as they fed off it. But Trump’s approval rating is falling faster than Evel’s rocket-motorcycle fell into that canyon. And that’s as close as Evel Knievel ever came to jumping a shark, yet Donald Trump may have already jumped the shark. Evel Knievel survived that crash on September 8, 1974, simply because he was as badass as they get. It takes a lot more than jumping a mile-wide chasm in a homemade steam-powered rocket-motorcycle and plummeting a thousand feet into a river canyon to kill Evel Knievel. He was old school tough. I watched this guy crash, hitting his landing ramp too fast after jumping 13 double-decker busses in Wembley Stadium, and he hit the ground at 70mph, so hard it would make crash-test dummies weep, tumbling on the tarmac like a sweater in the dryer. He broke his pelvis, collarbone, some ribs and vertebrae. And you know what he did? No, of course you don’t, you’re less than a hundred years old. Well, I’ll tell ya what he did. He got up. He got to his feet, broken pelvis and all, and walked over to the microphone and told the crowd he was retiring. He was in shock, and ABC broadcaster Frank Gifford was begging him on-air to let the paramedics put him on a stretcher and in an ambulance, but Evel Knievel just turned and walked off the Wembley field, saying, “I came in walking, I went out walking!” It does not get more badass than that. Evel Knievel makes Clint Eastwood look like Jay Baruchel. He makes Vin Diesel look like Shia LaBeouf. Over his entire career, he spent more than 3 years in a hospital due to traumatic injuries from his jumps! And although Evel Knievel didn’t actually break "every bone in his body," as legend had it, the truth is he suffered 433 broken bones during his career. He is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the survivor of the most bones broken in a lifetime.

He was so tough, when Chuck Norris got bullied, he called Evel Knievel.

But as I say, I’m having trouble just keeping up with all the blunders of the Trump administration this past week, far more than any other President screwed up in their entire first term. I think in the four years Jimmy Carter was President, the worst thing he ever did was one time he went fishing, and he whacked a rabbit that was trying to climb into his canoe. With a paddle, I mean, he didn’t have it whacked like a mob hit. Ah, simpler times, when presidential scandals were as wholesome as fishin’ and whackin’ rabbits with a paddle. Now it’s all about pussy grabbin’, golden showers, and whackin’ something else entirely.

I just can’t write fast enough to keep up. To write down all of Trump’s bullshit this week, I would have to type faster than a court stenographer taking down the testimony of Busta Rhymes being sued by an auctioneer. (For you old people: Busta Rhymes talks really fast. For you young people: auctioneers talk really fast.) I would have to type faster than Stephen King cranking out schlocky horror novels, although I think Trump is a hell of a lot scarier. Like a Stephen King novel, Trump was elected by states populated by the ‘Children of the Corn,’ and now we’re all in ‘Misery.’ In Ronald Reagan's farewell address from the Oval Office, he called America “the shining city on hill”, but after only two weeks of Trump, it’s starting to look more like just ‘The Shining.’ And President Obama’s term in office is over, so just like in ‘The Shining,’ things get really crazy after the black guy retires.

Speaking of horror movies brought to life, his cabinet picks are all being confirmed, and it looks less like the cabinet of a President, and more like ‘The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari.’ Rex Tillerson, former CEO of Exxon/Mobil is now the Secretary of State. The State Department is busy preparing for his arrival by making sure all the bathrooms are just as disgustingly filthy as the bathrooms at every Exxon/Mobil gas station. Diplomats received an inter-office memo instructing them not to flush until further notice, and to no longer worry about their aim. To add authenticity, all of the bathrooms will also be kept locked with only one key for the entire building, and the key will be attached to a hubcap from a late-model Buick LeSabre to make sure no one walks off with it.

So what did Trump do this week? Well, at a Black History Month prayer breakfast, Trump seemed to think the famous orator and abolitionist Frederick Douglass was alive and well. Which may come as a shock to his family, seeing as he died in 1895. Well, not his family, so much, but his descendants might be pretty freaked out to know he walks among the living. Frederick Douglass would probably be a very eloquent zombie. He could probably convince you to agree to let him eat your brains as reparations for slavery. I remember his famous quote, “Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, so how’s about you let me eat your brains?” Or this insightful quote they taught us in school, “No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck. Now let me eat your brains, seriously.”

When asked about Douglass, Trump said, “Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice.” Yeah, he’s getting recognized more and more, Mr. President, and you noticed. Nothing gets by you, does it? I think he might just win this season of Celebrity Apprentice, if that scheming Harriet Tubman doesn’t call him out in the boardroom for being a lousy project manager. Harriet Tubman was like the Omarosa of the underground railroad, and putting her face on the twenty-dollar bill will only feed her ego and make her even more insufferable to be around. “Let me get the tip, but all I have are twenties...Anybody got change for a ‘me’?” I wondered how any U.S. President could be quite this stupid, then I realized he must have learned everything he knows about black history from his Education Secretary pick, Betsy DeVos. Now, I’m not saying Betsy DeVos is an idiot and far too unqualified to run our nation’s public schools. I’m not saying it, I’m typing it. She knows nothing about our education system.

Betsy DeVos is so stupid, she thinks a ‘scholarship’ is a boat full of smart people.

Betsy DeVos is so stupid, she thinks ‘trigonometry’ is the study of firing guns.

Betsy DeVos is so stupid, she thinks that ‘tuition’ is when a woman gets a hunch about something.

Betsy DeVos is so stupid, she thinks ‘Tufts University’ is where you learn to cut hair.

Betsy DeVos is so stupid, she thinks ‘Tulane University’ is on a highway.

Betsy DeVos is so stupid, she thinks ‘Loyola’ is where they make all those crayons.

Betsy DeVos is so stupid, she thinks a ‘Bachelor of Arts’ is a gay male dancer.

Apart from Trump providing a perfect example of why we actually need Black History Month, he upped the crazy ante at this prayer breakfast when he started ranting about the ratings on his old TV show, from which he was fired for being a racist. "They hired a big, big movie star, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to take my place...The ratings went down the tubes. It's been a total disaster...And I want to just pray for Arnold, if we can, for those ratings." WTF? Somebody tell this guy he’s supposed to be worrying about the really big things now, like war, and comets, and aliens, and climate change, and everything else that can possibly go wrong. But instead he is worrying about his old TV show? Snap out of it, man, you’re on a new reality show now, it’s called ‘Celebrity President.’ And this first season sucks. And your ratings are awful. How the hell did we end up with a President who is in bed with Russia but at war with NBC? Franklin Roosevelt will always be remembered for winning the war against the Nazis and the Japanese, and Donald Trump will always be remembered for losing the war against Saturday Night Live. I think it was a racist thing to do, actually, to pray for Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ratings at a Black History prayer breakfast instead of any number of African-Americans who lost their lives in the past year. Frankly, I think he brought up Schwarzenegger because he knew the only way he could use the n-word was by putting “Schwarzen” in front of it.

And another scary development, two weeks into Trump's presidency and Republicans have given the mentally ill easier access to guns, as they voted to overturn an Obama administration law that blocked people with mental disorders from buying guns. Wow. Talk about playing to your base.

What else. Oh yeah, he threatened to invade Mexico, probably worth mentioning that. Nothing like a military invasion to teach people to respect borders. I guess his next move will be to annex the Sudetenland.

Strangest of all, Trump somehow managed to get into a fight with one of our staunchest allies, Australia. Australia! How do you manage to piss off Australia? For God’s sake, their national motto is “No Worries.” Trump was upset that President Obama had agreed to take 1,200 refugees that Australia had been detaining. Trump called it the “worst deal ever!” The worst deal ever? I don’t think it really approaches the level of worst deal ever, not even on a personal level. I once paid 60 bucks for an eighth of mediocre weed, and that was in the 1990s! I couldn’t even enjoy it because I paid so much. And because it was shitty weed. The Brown Frown.

Worst deal ever? How about when we bought Manhattan from the Indians for 24 bucks? That’s a pretty bad deal. Is it still okay to say Indians? Probably not, unless you’re talking about motorcycles or Cleveland’s baseball team, so, Native Americans it is. Although, for my own education I looked into this, and some people prefer to be called American Indian over Native American. One Lakota man from the Standing Rock Sioux Reservation said recently, "If some Indians want to be called Native Americans or Natives, let them be called that, but I was born an Indian and I shall die an Indian.” That sounds so cool the way he says it. I bet it sounds less impressive when you describe comics that way. “If some Comics want to be called Stand-up Comics or Comedians, let them be called that, but I was born a Hack, and I shall die a Hack.” No, I was wrong, it still sounds pretty cool.

Trump should consider himself very lucky that bad deal went down. Just imagine, if they hadn’t made that bad deal, the Native Americans would have been the real estate developers in Manhattan instead of Donald Trump’s dad. And he never would have gotten rich, and never would have become President. Whoa. It’s a revenge curse! President Trump is our payback for ripping off those Indians! I haven’t seen a revenge curse this bad since Craig T. Nelson built his house on a sacred burial ground in ‘Poltergeist’! Of course, the real difference between Native American real estate developers and Donald Trump is that the Native American casinos don’t go bankrupt.

Hey, here’s a really bad deal, how about all the people who paid to enroll in Trump University? Now that might be the “worst deal ever.” So bad that Trump agreed to pay a 25 million dollar settlement to avoid a trial and charges of fraud. Although, in all fairness to Trump, by paying out that 25 million, he actually did make those students wealthy like he promised, all it took was a class action lawsuit against him. Clever move, Mr. Trump. Bravo.

And that is the week that was.

0 notes