#i mean they were tough to deal with especially at first probably i cant blame the guy

[shkika]

ey saint, what do you think of the cornworms voidworms?

he doesn't like them very much 👍

[wkemeup]

my mom's a therapist, and as a result I've grown up with stories of clients that got mad at her for being human; needing to reschedule appointments because she was sick, telling clients that they weren't a good fit and referring them to some other clinicians she knew, etc. it was a client, after all, that gave her covid back in December which consequently infected our whole family. throughout it all, though, my mother has stayed so kind and selfless in the face of most battles, and I'll never stop admiring her for that.

I think being a therapist is one of the bravest careers someone can choose, because I know that, at least for me, listening to other people talk about their ups and downs will just send me spiraling about my own. I took three years of psychology classes, and I loved the courses, but I don't think I'd ever be able to get myself into a psychology practice. I'm so amazed and in awe of you and everyone else that is pursuing that field. my heart is with you

(I want to first make it clear that I am in no way referencing the previous anon who talked about their therapist being out for a month and getting injured. I absolutely understand how difficult it is on clients when the therapist has to cancel or is out of the office - especially when you're going through something and really need them. This is a whole separate thing here, so if that anon sees this please know you're absolutely ok!!)

I completely identify with your mom on that. I have had multiple clients get very upset with me for days I've had to call out sick and their appts were rescheduled, or even when I go on vacation for a week and aren't able to see them at our usual interval. Trust me that I understand the magnitude of mental health and what this job requires, but I think it can be so easy for people to forget that I'm human, too. I get sick. I need time off. I have a whole world of my own shit I'm dealing with too.

and I know that the whole point of therapy is that the patient shouldn't carry the burden of knowing my own shit, but (speaking from my own experience with my clients) I wish sometimes there could be an understanding that I am not immune to the world either and my existence doesn't cater 100% to you. I cant tell if I'm sounding too harsh, and honestly this is about to turn into my personal vent about this and struggling with my job because I really need it right now, so feel free to tune me out and disregard.

I obviously want to help people. Im in this job for a reason. But sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm cut out for it at all because my own mental health has really suffered in the last year and even before that in episodes before I was officially a therapist. I have clients who will say stuff like "you could never understand how this actually feels" but like, I've been depressed. I struggle with anxiety. I have had significant issues with food and my weight. But I am often treated like I am a machine at disposal - required to be available 100% of the time to each individual client, despite the fact I have 70 people on my caseload.

There is never going to be a moment where I snap my fingers and make things better for my clients. Your mental health is still your own responsibility. My job is to help you navigate it, learn how to manage it, and make it smaller and smaller until it doesn't carry the same weight it used to. But I can't fix you. You have to actually do the work and it is so much work but so many of my patients can't see that so they expect me to have all the answers and make them better and I can't. That's the secret with therapy. You fix yourself. You help yourself. Im just there to guide you and help process shit along the way.

but anyway.

sorry idk how I got here but I've obvs been feeling very dehumanized at my job lately. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I sit there and nod casually as a client rants at me about how I'm bad at my job and they're not getting better nevermind the fact that they aren't actually willing to do the skills I'm trying to teach them. So many of them rely too much on medication or just blame me instead.

I'm so burnt out and I'm only 3 years into this job officially and I wonder a lot if my own mental health is going to be what takes this job from me one day. Idk. hell maybe it makes me a bad person for even complaining about this.

I should also say that I have tons of great clients who are very understanding and ask kindly about how my time off was and work really hard in therapy and are doing so well. The tough stuff just obviously weighs a little more.

It's scary to have someone put so much onto you, you know? So many of my clients treat me like I am the only thing keeping them together and honestly for a lot of them, I'm sure they really do mean that. It can just be heavy on me. Sinking, really.

Im not expecting anyone to still be reading by now because somehow this turned into a public diary post lol but if you are, thank you for listening. This is your reminder that therapists have big feelings too and struggle and should probably also see a therapist themselves lol.

anyway.

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 21 - Gone with the Wind's relation to BLM.

K: Ok, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, starting this episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san. Welcome. Well, um..you know, Dir en grey...we've cancelled our Pia Arena concerts.

J: Ahh, thats right.

K: Its a bit...

T: Its a shame.

K: Well..it is a shame..it was kind of a build up of different things. We did search for ways which we could make it happen. We went to the venue in person, and tried to come up with ideas about how it could work, incuding our staff in the discussion, but...in the end it was quite difficult.

J: Ahh, really?

K: I had thought if we started to be a bit active things might begin to change. I really wanted to get moving, but...well..there would be people who wouldn't be able to go...

J: Well, yes.

K: So when we thought about whether we should do it...hmm..yeh.

J: Well, we want to let everyone know that you went as far as going to the venue to try to figure out what to do, and it does not mean that the band will disappear..

K: Yes

J: And in this sense, its a matter of waiting for the right time.

K: Yeah.

J: Right?

K: When will that be though, right?

J: Ah, well, the number of infections in Tokyo is in a state of increase at the moment, in particular, the night time entertainment sector is being blamed, so it seems as if live houses, or so called places of entertainment may be facing tough times for a little while yet.

K: Well, the numbers...if you decreased the number of customers..there are some places starting to operate again in that way, right?

J: There are, yes.

K: But packed standing areas are probably still a bit far off.

J: Yeah. When I think of a Dir en grey live show...I think of Shinkiba etc, I mean, thats what comes up in my mind. One way to see that type of place is like the three C's woven together (Cramped and poorly ventilated, crowded with people, close contact setting).

K: Yeh.

J: So it is really painful not being able to do that. But while it may take a while until we can, in the meantime we can find different ways or hybrid ways of doing it.

K: Yeah, we have to keep looking in a foward direction. Well...but on the days that we ought to have been performing, the 24th and 25th of  this month, we are planning to stream the intended setlist live on Youtube, so if people can, I'd love them to watch that.

Kami: Um....um...

J: Ah, Kami is here.

Kami: Have you considered playing live wearing face guards or something?

K, J: Face guards?

K: No, we didn't consider that, hahaha

J, T, K: Hahaha

J: This wouldn't fit with Dir en grey.

K: No, we actually talked about it, jokingly. Like how about it?

*laughing*

J: No, if you actually did, it would be like you were making fun of it or something like that. Hahaha.

Kami: Have you thought about ventilating the venue during the show or something?

K: Hmm, yeh, we'd have to make an interval in the middle and doing something like that.

T: I see

J: Well, its difficult isn't it? You'd have to deal with a lot of things. But just like you want to do it, people want to see it too, we are all the same.

Kami: Watching a Dir en grey show with interval breaks would be quite hard, right?

K: Hm, yeah it would probably break the tension.

T: Yeah.

K: Kinda.

Kami: What do you think about doing that?

K: Doing that...well..

Kami: Raising the tension, they saying  Ok, ventilation time!

K: We'd have to make it kinda like smoothly seperated waves.

J: Like leading into something when there is a break?

K: Leading into something. For example, like something sanwiched between the different sections, like showing a piece of film or something.

J: Ahh, its difficult! The people making the rules, have probably never been to live cocerts, because they don't imagine this type of thing at all. We'll have to think about all these small details at the time of performing from now on.

K: Ok, well, today...Joe san, can you please go ahead.

J: Ok, I'd like to go ahead with today's news. This is the news of how Gone with the Wind relates to the Black Lives Matter movement.

With the ongoing anti-racism Black Lives Matter movement, the expanding movement fighting for the lives of black people to be valued, the American streaming service HBO Max who halted the broadcasting of the Hollywood movie Gone with the Wind, have decided to start streaming the movie again, this time with a disclaimer attached....I'm sure you all know it...a movie which is set during the era of the American civil war, in which the system of slavery existed. This was announced by the American entertainment site TMZ. The same service had stopped streaming the movie earlier this month, after Oscar winning screen writer, John Ridley had pointed out that it includes affirmative portrayals of the system of slavery. Ridley won an Oscar for his work on the movie 12 Years A Slave, which depicts the experiences of slaves who were brought to America during the 19th century. According to TMZ, Jaqueline Stewart, a professor know for her research into the history of black people in cinema, has prepared a video containg some historical background to accompany the movie, in which she asks why we need to appreciate this 1939 movie in its original form, and says how it is  important to discuss our interpretations of it. Furthermore, a video of a panel discussion about this movie which took place in April last year will also be shown at the same time. Gone with the Wind is a movie based on the story by Margret Mitchell, featuring top star of the time, Clark Gable, and English actress, Vivian Leigh.

Soo, Gone with the Wind...the news that streaming was stopped once, but has been restarted with a disclaimer attached. What do you think about this, Kaoru?

K: This type of stuff has been said for a long time, right?

J: Yes.

K: And there are a lot of movies like this aren't there?

J: There are. When looking back now, some parts seem problematic. Well, even so, its a difficult issue, but I don't really think there was any need to halt streaming it in the first place. When watching a movie with such a background as this, people will have various feelings about it, so I don't really...but of course including these extras..the American Black Lives Matter movement has grown huge in a way no one imagined, so in order to prevent adding fuel to the fire, these extra videos are being screened too. But, in the first place, I think its important for people to watch works like this, and think about it for themselves. If you are always telling people how it should be, the nuance or message contained in these movies might be lost. Its quite difficult.

T: Well, if it is lost, we'll end up forgetting how that generation used to see the world.

J: Yeah

K: But we won't lose it, right? Just from this..???1* So, well..it was a problem which couldn't be stopped at that time, it was a growing problem. You can sense that meaning, but its like, how you put it across.

J: Yeh, thats right. Well, this isn't about this movie, but for example, as for books, the publication of Hitler's Mein Kampf was halted for 70 years after the war in Germany. There was the idea that it would be bad to let people read Hilter's autobiography, after what he did. But a few years ago it started to be permitted to be published again, based on the idea that banning it also isn't a good idea. And people do actually want to read it, it is selling. So what do you do? Its a very difficult issue. If the works are by people who have done very bad things, like, a if they are written by a very bad person, should we ban it....Like some of Dir en grey's videos are also quite...when you majored, weren't some of them withdrawn or denied release?

K: With that ????2*

J: Ahh, I see. Some bits were ok, and some weren't? Well, with corona changing the world now, this problem will...

K: Well, this type of thing has an influence on a lot of stuff.

J: It does, yes.

K: Like Japanese anime.

T: Also, people are questioning this idea of 'whitening' beauty products.

J, K: Ahh, yeah.

T: That type of thing has come out recently. But even if you say 'whitening' in the context of beauty, what does it mean? Does it mean, white people are beautiful, or does it mean your skin is ???*3 That has become a talking point.

K: Now that you mention it, you are not allowed to tell someone they're short are you?

J: Right.

K: The same for if they are tall, right.

J: Yeah, if you worry too much, you'll end up trying to censor words. Especially with younger people, like sometimes  you have to express things in abbreviated forms, and if they jump on this and say, 'you can't say that!', then the amount of expressions we have will shrink. Well, it is difficult.

K: Well, I mean there are lots of ???*4 with that type of person.

J: Well, its difficult  to know where to draw the line with this type of thing. But with regards to Black Lives Matter, it doesn't appear to have a lot to do with this country, but Black Lives Matter has been closed in on the event where a policeman kneeled on the neck of a black man and killed him. However, if you look at the broader scene, one of the policemen standing by and watching is thought to be a man of Asian descent. And the store that reported the black man who died was run by middle eastern descended people, so its certainly not an issue unrelated to Asia. Its often said that its an issue of only whites against blacks, but actually there are clearly people of Asian descent involved in this situation. On a global scale, there are a lot of issues which you cant simply separate into white against black. So i think we should get our imaginations working a bit more, and think about all the parties involved. It might be a bit hard to imagine living in this country, but we need to realise these are not just other peoples' affairs.

T: Its really imoprtant to try to imagine yourself in someone else's situation, isn't it?

J: I think it is really important. ...Kami?

Kami: Yes yes yes. Were you talking about Gone with the Wind?

J: Ah, you want to return to the topic of Gone with the Wind?

Kami: No, I just thought this was about Gone with the Wind. I have no interest in the movie Gone with the Wind, just the title puts me off. I wasn't really listening this time.

K: He hates this type of movie, right?

J: Yes, he hates it, haha. You don't like this type of thing much?

K: What type of movies do you like?

Kami: Anything, even banned movies.

T: Kami sometimes...

J: He's like Chabudai gaeshi!

T: He appears at times like this.

K: Well, Kami probably likes action movies or that type of thing.

J: Oh you like that type of thing? You don't care  if streaming of Gone with the Wind is stopped?

Kami: Yeh, if a big fuss is made when its stopped, then people will wonder what its all about and try to watch it won't they?

T: Ahh, I see.

J: Ah, on the other hand, yeh.

Kami: I won't watch it though.

K: He's really pressing that point. He won't let us forget.

J: Ahh, so thats that. It doesn't meet Kami's expectations.

K: Okay, well, lets end here. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

J, T: Thank you.

*1, 2, 3, 4 Couldn't figure out these bits.

[dearericbittle]

Sterek masterpost

So, now that I’ve written 30 (!) Sterek fics, I figured it was about time that I made a masterpost of my stories. You can find the full list on my Tumblr as well!

Been here before and it just feels right (strangers tonight) - (T, 3.4k) Summary: Derek Hale was an awkward teenager, but he grew into himself. He grew out of that pulling pigtails phase. Shame that being reunited with his old crush brings it all back. Even worse: Stiles doesn’t even seem to recognize him. Or does he?

Better that I break the window (than miss what I should see) - (M, 9k) Summary: Someone opened Stiles’ window. But he’s all the way on the 7th floor - how the fuck did that happen? Spoiler alert: werewolves are real. And really hot.

Bring on the monsters (bring on the real world) - (E, 11.1k) Summary: He was supposed to be making an impression on Lydia, but instead he’s making fun of a terrible werewolf costume. To be fair, those mutton chops remind him of Michael J. Fox in the worst way, and the guy didn’t appear to be too offended. He was too busy smelling Stiles for some reason. He really shouldn’t have forgotten cologne.

but that’s just a first impression (I could be totally wrong) - (T, 2.9k) Summary: Derek is on a really awful blind date (Laura will pay for this). But the waiter is really cute.

The coolest wolf in the whole wide world - (T, 8.3k) Summary: Stiles is surprisingly good at being a wolf. Like, super good at control, loves the drama of making weird entrances, and determined to try all the things. Because he has to find out what’s different about being a wolf. And Derek is going to be his Yoda, whether he wants to or not. Only Stiles is pretty sure Yoda never smelled this good.

Detective Stiles Stilinski and the Case of Derek Hale’s Mysterious Mate - (T, 5.6k) Summary: Mates are a thing. A werewolf thing. Which is fine and shit, but finding out that Derek fucking Hale has a mate? That gets to him. And seeing as Derek won’t tell him who it is, well… Guess that means this is a job for Detective Stiles Stilinski - if he’s not too distracted by his traditional banter with Derek.

Everything mixed up (and baked in a beautiful pie) - (T, 6/6, 42k) Summary: Stiles’ friends are more of a pain in the ass than usual around the holiday season. Just because he spends all of his time at his bakery, doesn’t mean he’s unhappy. So hiring a fake boyfriend seems like the perfect, simple solution. Instead Stiles stumbles onto a stupid quest to make Derek Hale happy. But surely that will all work out in time.

Fit hot guys have problems too (don’t objectify us with your male and female gaze) - (T, 1.7k) Summary: To Cora, 1:24 AM: im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect?? Derek is tired of being objectified. Enter Stiles Stilinski, hot mess who has an opinion about everything. Derek is surprisingly intrigued.

Gymnophoria - (T, 0.9k) Summary: Stiles is paranoid - he keeps feeling someone’s eyes on him. Surprisingly, no nefarious plans happen.

He got lost in my DMs (wanna be way more than friends) - (T, 2.8k) Summary: Derek is somewhat of an online hero, providing candid pictures of himself to anyone who wants persistent suitors to just go away already. Stiles… is suddenly surrounded by assholes who apparently really want to hear about how great his fake boyfriend is. Part 1 of Slide into those DMs

Heard you were tough (but you don’t look it) - (T, 3.6k) Summary: Derek is a protective Alpha, and whenever he sees a human in danger, he has to step in. Usually people are grateful. This guy? Not so much. 3 times Derek saves that ungrateful magic user’s life, and 3 times the ungrateful asshole saved his in return

Here we are two strangers (with nothing but this little spark) - (T, 6k) Summary: Stiles is only at this masquerade party for revenge. Theo Raeken has taken everything from him, and this is the only way he can get close enough to ruin his fucking life. He gets sidetracked by a mysterious stranger who’s looking for revenge of his own. Maybe they can help each other…

I might never be (your knight in shining armor) - (T, 2.9k) Summary: So, in Stiles’ defence, he didn’t actually know that the woman harassing the dude-sel in distress was an actual witch. Or that the dude in question was an Alpha werewolf who claimed to be able to handle himself. Stiles agrees to disagree on that one.

I take this magnetic force of a man (to be my lover) - (T, 6k) Summary: Derek is pretty happy with the mate he’s somehow chosen, even though Stiles has no idea - and no interest in Derek. But that’s fine. Except Peter just has to open his big mouth, because he clearly wants to ruin Derek’s life. Part 2 of Laura Hale is the best Alpha

I’d be a fearless leader (I’d be an Alpha type) - (T, 7.8k) Summary: Most teenagers would run off if they found a bleeding half-wolf, half-lady with red eyes snarling at them. But Stiles’ fight or flight response has always been a little fucked, and Laura Hale looks like she could use a break. Part 1 of Laura Hale is the best Alpha

I’m gonna light a spark (gonna hold my breath until the morning) - (T, 2.5k) Summary: Derek hates the bus, hates how people use it as an excuse to sit close to him and bat their eyelashes at him. And then this stranger who smells like home just falls asleep on his lap.

Lie under different stars (I’ve not seen you in the flesh for so long) - (T, 3,4k) Summary: In which Laura Hale is a queen of holding on to childhood mementos and seeing things her brother won’t, and Derek Hale rediscovers his love of Mischief.

The man who’s gonna marry you (make you feel alive) - (T, 4.2k) Summary: Only Finstock could marry the wrong people. Only Greenberg could fill out the papers wrong, but Finstock didn’t even check. It was like he wanted Stiles to be married to Derek Hale. And no one would want that, except maybe… Stiles.

No more dark sad lonely (k)nights - (T, 2k) Summary: Derek is an Alpha without an emissary, so his nosy betas made sure he attended the convention. Stiles is clearly in the wrong convention hall, because his Batman cosplay does not appear to be going over well.

Old you in the garbage (new you in display case) - (T, 13.4k) Summary: Stiles is lonely and desperate and suffering from a crush on the grumpiest librarian. So what’s a boy to do but cook up a ridiculous plan to get himself dated and/or finally get laid before the holidays? He just wants his She’s All That moment, okay? He never expected that the plan would actually help him get the guy.

Real life isn’t a movie (life doesn’t make narrative sense) - (M, 11.6k) Summary: Somehow accidentally insulting a hot guy in a coffee shop leads to pretending to be his boyfriend in front of a house full of werewolves. Stiles Stilinski is living his best life and making the most of his Hallmark movie moment.

Shoot your shot when you see em (he’s already in my DMs) - (T, 3.9k) Summary: Derek may or may not be falling in love with one of Laura’s employees, and he’s only ever spoken to him on the phone. Stiles doesn’t even know his name! But apparently, he does know how to slide into his DMs. Part 2 of Slide into those DMs

Some Cupid kills with arrows (some with mistletoe) - (T, 9.5k) Summary: It’s the same thing every time. Derek Hale comes home, the town is in a snit, and Stiles Stilinski polishes his metaphorical armor and gets ready for a battle of wits. Not that he considers Derek’s comments particularly witty. Their friends are just tired of the sexual tension and the rampant egos, and they’re ready to do something about it.

Such great heights (corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces) - (T, 3.3k) Summary: In which everyone in the pack is together and alive, because fuck canon. In which Stiles is surprised that Derek’s super hearing fails him. He just wants to know how tall Derek is, why is that such a big deal?

Teach me how to thrive (i was a loser just like you) - (T, 4.9k) Summary: Scott was cool now - the Squip had made sure of that. Stiles? Not so cool. All he has left are his cryptic conversations with perpetually wasted Derek Hale as he desperately tries to get an evil computer chip from taking over Beacon Hills.

We were young once (innocent and fun once) - (T, 5,3k) Summary: So maybe making Lydia jealous is just an excuse for him to finally talk to Derek Hale - it’s been ten years and clearly that high school crush is not over. There’s just a lot more to Derek than he was expecting.

We’ll put on a show (Scotty has to know) - (T, 7.7k) Summary: Stiles is a stubborn asshole, determined to have fun in Europe even though Scott stays behind in Belgium because of a girl. So asking a stranger to make out with him for the ‘Gram? Totally the best decision he’s ever made, and not just because that’ll totally show Jackson (and Scott!). Shame he won’t see the guy again, though.

What it looks like to forget (it’s easier that way) - (T, 4.9k) Summary: He has no idea who he is, but the stranger with the whiskey eyes is calling him Derek. And the guy has been sitting at his bedside for three days, so he’s got some credit. Especially because the guy smells like he should be his - though that is a supremely weird thought that he probably needs to figure out first.

You want forgiveness (I’ll give that to you) - (T, 2.8k) Summary: Derek is running from the Alpha, suffering from wolfsbane poisoning and he’s clearly losing it. Why else would he be seeing his mother - and everyone else he might as well have killed himself. But Stiles can’t just let him get what he deserves. Stiles never leaves him behind, even when he should.

You’re moving me around you (I said darling hold me) - (T, 14,5k) Summary: Derek is the only beta in a pack of two, blaming himself for the loss of their entire family. When his sister pays someone to get him used to human contact again, Derek preps himself for a couple unwilling handshakes before he kicks the stranger out of his den. Stiles is… not what Derek expected.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Unexpected Arrival - 2

Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, Possible Steve x Reader

Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn't exciting enough.... an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.

When the team got back from their mission Natasha went straight to Y/N’s room to check on her. When she opened the door and found the bed empty she started to panic, she had told her to go see Bruce if she got any worse.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y where's Y/N?" Nat asked the A.I.

"Agent Y/L/N was taken to medical by Captain Rodgers and Mr Stark"

"Shit!" Nat cursed as she turned and started running towards the medical floor.

"Nat? Whats going on?" Bucky asked seeing her running towards him.

"Y/N was taken to medical! I knew there was something wrong with her before we left! I should've trusted my gut and taken her there myself!"

"Well lets go check on her then" he said getting into the elevator with Nat.

Nat rushed out of the elevator and saw Tony and Bruce standing at one of the doors looking in while they spoke quietly to eachother.

"Hey, what happened is she okay?" Nat asked quickly wanting answers.

"Shes fine, we handled the situation" Tony said truthfully "did you not get my message? I tried calling you"

"My phone got trashed in the fight...."

"Its been an interesting night lets just start there" Bruce said running a hand through his hair.

"Interesting is the biggest understatement of the year Banner! It was literally the shock of a lifetime!! Especially for that girl in there" Tony said pointing towards the room behind him.

"Does someone wanna tell me what the hell is going on??" Nat snapped.

"You should probably take a look for yourself.... you’d never believe me otherwise".

Natasha walked over quickly, as she looked into the room Y/N was sleeping soundly.... Steve was sat in the chair next to her..... with a baby??!!

"What the fuck...... she.... she was pregnant???" Nat said turning to face the men behind her.

"What??" Bucky asked walking over to see for himself.... when he saw Steve holding the tiny baby in a yellow blanket he turned to the others looking horrified.

"Yep, a healthy baby girl. Born at 04:34am weighing 5lb 9oz delivered by yours truly!" Tony said sounding pleased of himself.

"How is that possible..... theres no way...." Nat was saying quietly to no one in particular.

"If you’re this shocked, can you imagine how shes feeling?" Bruce said nodded towards the room.

"Is it Steve's?" Nat asked seeing him holding the tiny baby and smiling.

"They say its not, she wont tell us who the father is until shes had a chance to tell him first"

"So she didnt know she was pregnant?" Bucky asked from beside Nat, his eyes glued to the tiny baby in Steves arms.

"Not a clue. She thought she had bad stomach flu" Bruce answered looking over her chart.

"She had been sick, she told me she thought it was stomach flu before we left. This is huge!"

"No shit" Tony rolled his eyes "she's gonna be out for a while, you want me to call you when she wakes up?"

"Yeah that would be good" Nat nodded

"I'm gonna check in with Steve quickly and make sure he’s okay" Bucky said and walked toward the room.

"just keep it down i don't want her waking up yet, shes had a tough night"

"Sure" Bucky nodded and headed inside.

Steve looked up when he heard the door open and smiled at his best friend.

"Guess you guys heard about the unexpected visitor we had" Steve said looking down at the baby in his arms.

"Yeah.... they just told us.... a..are they both okay?"

"Yeah they’re both perfect. Y/N is wiped out but after what she went through i cant say i blame her. It was amazing Buck!"

"You were there?... for the birth?"

"Yeah she wouldn't let me leave" he chuckled "that woman has got one hell of a grip i tell ya! Nearly crushed my hands. And this little lady..... i cant stop staring at her Buck! Shes so tiny and perfect. Look!" Steve motioned for Bucky to come and take a closer look at the baby.

"Wow.... shes beautiful! Look at her tiny little hands...."

"She keeps making the cutest little cooing sounds i swear my heart is melting for this kid" Steve gushed as Bucky pulled up a seat "You wanna hold her?" Steve offered his friend.

"No.... no i might hurt her" he said looking down at his metal arm.

"You wont, it'll be fine. Besides i really need to go to the bathroom"

"Oh... Okay" he said letting out a shaky breath as Steve stood up and passed him the baby.

"You good?" Steve asked checking with Bucky before he left.

"Yeah.... i got her" he nodded settling the baby in his flesh arm.

"I'll be right back" Steve assured him before slipping out quietly.

The room was quiet as i slowly opened my eyes, i could already sense there was someone else in here with me but just assumed it was Steve still. When i turned to look i was shocked to see Bucky sitting in the chair holding the baby.

"Hey..... you’re back" i said quietly so i didn't surprise him.

"Hey, Yeah we got back about an hour ago" he replied with a small smile "you had a busy night huh?"

"You could say that" i said pulling myself up in the bed so i was sitting up against the pillows.

"She's perfect Y/N" Bucky stated looking down at the yellow bundle in his arms.

"Yeah she is" i agreed "Buck....she's yours" I added quickly, there was no easy way to tell him that he was a dad "you know that right?"

"I had a feeling she might be" he nodded slowly and gave me a smile. Bucky seemed surprisingly calm about the whole thing actually.

"I swear i had no idea i was pregnant! I would've told you if i did. Having this dropped on you is huge.... i mean we're not even together! It was a one time thing and now we're parents!" I rambled away nervously "i was still going on missions for christ sake!"

"Y/N you didn't know, of course you'd still go on missions"

"I don't expect you to be okay with this, i can do this on my own.... no one needs to know shes yours, if thats what you want?"

"Is that what you want?" Bucky asked looking at me with sad eyes.

"No! Of course i want you to be apart of her life.... she needs her dad too. Im not ashamed to tell people she's yours Buck" i added knowing that was what he was really asking. He was asking if i was embarrassed about people finding out i had slept with him "but if you’re not ready for this i completely understand, i wont pressure you into it".

"Hey, you’re awake" Steve said smiling as he walked back into the room again interrupting whatever conversation i was having with Bucky.

"Yeah" i nodded with a quick smile before looking over at Bucky holding our daughter.....It really was a beautiful sight, he was being so careful with her. Steve must have noticed something in the way i looked at Bucky and Bucky was looking at his daughter because he suddenly let out an "oh my god....".

Bucky and i both looked up at him with wide eyes "what?" We said in unison waiting for Steve to tell us what was wrong.

"Is.... is she...." he pointed at Bucky and looked at you for confirmation.

"Yeah, she's Bucky's" i confirmed casually trying my best to act like this wasn't a huge deal.

"I didn't even know you two were a thing.....you never said anything Buck?"

"We're not together Steve thats why he never said anything" i said to save Bucky having to explain to his friend.

"So it was just a one time thing?"

"Yeah" i said with a shrug, i was trying my hardest to kept my shit together and keep calm. Keep my heart from trying to explode from my chest, i was pretty sure the two super soldiers could hear my heart racing though.

"Hey Steve, could you ask Nat to bring me a change of clothes down i really need to take a shower i feel disgusting" i said changing the subject before it became any more awkward.

"Sure, i know shes waiting to see you and meet this one here" he nodded to the baby in Bucky's arms "speaking of.... shes gonna need a name, have you thought about it yet?"

"Not yet, i don't want to rush into it and regret it. Parents normally have 9 months to decide on a name not 9 hours"

"Fair point" Steve chuckled "i'll go get Nat for you".

"Thanks.....hey Steve?" i called getting his attention as he reached the door.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for being there for me today, it means a lot"

"Of course" he blushed before leaving me alone with Bucky and our daughter.

"I wish i could've been there" he said quietly "I'm sorry doll".

"Its fine, we didn't know what was going to happen Buck".

He nodded slowly but looked kinda sad that he had missed it, or maybe it was because Steve had been there and not him.

"I should go and let you get some rest"

"You can stay, you can watch her while i take a shower if you want?"

"You don't mind? You trust me with her?"

"Of course i do! Buck you’re her dad you’re not going to let anything happen to her".

"Id die before i let anything happen to her" he stated staring lovingly at her.

"See" i said with a chuckle "ive got nothing to worry about. Well almost nothing"

"What do you mean?"

"I have nothing for her, no clothes, diapers....no nursery. All i can do is feed her right now. Tony said he'll take care of it all but i feel bad leaving it all to him"

"He’s probably enjoying it doll you know what he’s like"

"Yeah i know, i just wish i had had time to do all that stuff myself"

"You would've kept her then? If you had found out you were pregnant?"

"I would" i nodded happily and truthfully.

A knock on the door pulled my attention and i turned to see Nat making her way in with a bag.

"Hey sweetheart, i leave you alone for a couple of hours and you go and have a baby?"

"Yeah sorry about that, who knew?" I laughed as she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight squeeze.

"Let me see!" She cooed as she walked over to Bucky to get a good look at the tiny bundle in his arms.

"Oh my god shes so precious! Absolute perfection. Y/N.... Can i hold her?"

Bucky looked like he didn't want to part with her but eventually handed her over to Nat gently.

"Hey I'm your auntie Nat. Uncle Bucky doesnt get to hog all the cuddles does he" she said rocking the baby gently.

"Erm about that Nat..... its not Uncle Buck.... she's his daughter"

Nat looked up at me with wide eyes and then looked at Bucky "what?? When did that happen??!" She said loudly causing the baby to stir slightly "shhhh im sorry baby girl go back to sleep" she said quietly.

"I'll give you two a few minutes to talk, i'll come back to watch our girl while you take your shower"

"Thanks Buck" i smiled and watched him leave the room.

"Sooooo, spill! You never told me you and Barnes were a thing!"

"We're not a thing, it was just the once"

"When?? You didn't even tell me you two slept together! We're supposed to be best friends!"

"You remember that mission we went on, the one where we had to stay at that safe house for the night to make sure they weren't tailing us?"

"Alaska?"

"Yep that would be the one. We were both beat up and were helping each other clean up.... one thing led to another and here we are" i said pointing to my baby daughter in Nat's arms.

"And it was just a one time thing...."

"Yeah, it never happened again. He acted like nothing had happened the morning after so i didn't make a big deal about it. We just carried on as normal" i shrugged.

"Did you want things to change? With you and Bucky i mean"

"Honestly? I was hoping it would" i finally admitted "i had liked him for ages Nat and when we finally.... i thought maybe he felt the same way. But clearly i was wrong"

"Y/N..... you should tell him! You guys have a daughter now"

"Thats not gonna make him suddenly want me Nat" i laughed "it doesn't matter anyway, I've already accepted that we'll only ever be friends" i said as i slowly climbed out of bed to grab the bag that Nat had brought with her.

"Hey be careful!" She said taking a few steps towards me.

"Im fine Nat just a bit sore, i can get out of Bed by myself" i told her as the door opened and Bucky came walking back in.

"take it easy doll, should you even be up and about yet?"

"Guys I'm fine, really" i tried to tell them "i just need a shower"

"Okay, Buck you wanna take your girl and i'll get momma to the shower" Nat said handing over the baby, he soon had his daughter settled against his chest and took a seat again.

"You’re a natural Barnes" Nat said sounding surprised walking over to me and taking the bag "lets go get you cleaned up".

"I wont be long Buck, you okay with her?" I asked wanting to make sure he felt comfortable being left alone.

"We're good, go take care of yourself. We'll be waiting for you when you get back" he smiled.

[rogerrachel1995]

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reuenthals replied to your post: reuenthals replied to your post: ...

in the folder re: konhiji like we’re not told how old toshi was when he met kondo but probably a teenager considerin sougo was 6-8 so i always thought toshi’d place kondo in a place similar to tamegoro but misunderstand those feelins as smth else bc he’s just a baby + kondou’s the first to show him real (or any) affection outside tamegoro n not fear or resent him in any way but actually want to help him (he later in life realizes hed just misplaced/misunderstood their 

nature). from that same era, i think his feelins for mitsuba would fit a similar narrative as in bc of circumstances she HAD to be the woman he loved bc all men must love a woman plus she had feelins for him (tho tbh i also dont think hers were any different from the familial love she had for kondou and it was also a matter of circumstance but thats another matter) so it was a done deal but still easy to leave behind for a new life n have as backup/excuse for any other

woman hed meet or more like a shield from havin to open up w/unravel to any feelins of love of a non familial nature for anyone. his take on love is rly naive n pure (contrasted to ofc my baby whos smart n no fool) bc it also serves as shield n hes also said to be unable to relate/open up to women multiple times but is defenseless towards men (n sorachi loves that trope esp w toshi n gin chan in which theyre ‘men that are more attractive to other men than women’) which

i think is why hes so well defenseless towards gin chan durin their duel in the rooftops like for gin chan thats just a ‘crazy cop attacked me again’ moment but for toshi it like shakes the foundations of his whole bein he like lies there all wistful like wtf…..im gay? no… w a blossomin crush that only gets worse the more he interacts w gin chan (cant blame him tho gin chan is an angel) but like the way hes constructed specifically as an archetype hes too set in

performin masculinity (kyuchan says this but he also says this abt himself also multiple times) n sorachi is aware to an extent (plus hes drawin from men who were practicin mlm themselves) what this trope entails wrt sexuality n its expressions like for toshi its comfortable not to think abt love or any of that bc he has a goal n the excuse of a dead woman but its impossible to read him as anythin but not straight no matter the degree to which he is aware of it (which

tbh i think its a lot more than what ppl in fandom give him credit for) i have more detailed backed up analysis of this somewhere but i cant find them but basically at the end of the day i think toshi meetin kondo n at least havin some mixed up feelins abt what he feels towards him that hes able to resolve as bein brotherly later on in life set the path for him realizin he can love other men not in a brotherly way n in the way he (as a man) is supposed to love women

wow long but yes like toshi’s archetype in other manga/literature is easily read n can be coded as mlm/gay n is often the case but his issues run too deep for him to even consider that part seriously (at least tbh until 551 maybe baragaki but i dont think that early) so he has to suffer for it he deserves the worst the only reason gh is okay is bc he provides economically for gin chan n would be willin to pay any outstandin debts as shown in the soul switch arc. the end

i feel like this was just a sneak peek into that folder, but I loved it 200%! it’s super hard for me to reply without going into my own headcanons about gh and how they relate to one another, cause the way toshi relates to gin is so different from kondo in my perspective; in fact, it’s why i can’t get romantic konhiji at all, though i admit you make a fair point when u address the transition of toshi’s “most important person” from tamegoro to kondo (at that young age mixed feelings would be acceptable) plus, i always saw kondo as the character that ‘saved’ toshi, while gin was the one that ‘healed’ him. ofc both relationships go way beyond these dynamics, but without any actual canon romantic proof it’s difficult to postulate from toshi’s limited pov. 

so, while the shinsengumi became his substitute family and kondo tamegoro’s substitute (the family core), it’s a given that toshi perceives this love as unconditional, would-die-for etc. however, it would be interesting to explore his feelings for kondo back then in relation to mitsuba; like in an effort to answer the love of a woman (as you so brilliantly put, that in those circumstances toshi HAD to love a woman) he tried to shift his romantic feelings/attraction to kondo’s masculine figure to her ? (IM ONLY  REALIZING NOW THAT THIS WAS PROBABLY WHAT YOU MEANT BEFORE? IM SORRY) tho i don’t agree that mitsuba’s love for him was familial cause ponytail toshi, mack, like pls, she had to be blind ???

then we come to ginchan, whose whole relationship with toshi is based, imo, in the fact that they not only see a part of themselves in each other (the guilty, self-hating, rebel part) but that in seeing it they understand themselves better and are able to open up, share their experiences and encourage one another; not to mention protect what’s dear to them. aka they love each other. there is literally no other explanation for ginchan waiting in the rain for toshi so they could go out for a meal? i mean, sakata gintoki sat in the rain, under his umbrella, looking all complacent & shit. ALRIGHT. 

btw i bolded some of your bits cause i rly relate to them in the way i see toshi, especially the ones about him putting up a shield. toshi has always had problems dealing with his feelings, even before we knew of his past with his brother (which for continuity’s sake was probably what triggered him to bottle  everything up), he had always been written/regarded as a cold, level-headed character who doesn’t let emotions get the best of him. his rank in the shinsengumi further emphasizing this (and his otaku persona as well). so, without disregarding ginchan’s merits, i think that kondo’s influence (and even mitsuba’s to some extent) may have contributed to lowering toshi’s shield enough that he was able to give himself a chance to connect with someone outside his comfort zone/past. the fact that that person happened to be a man only makes more sense given his background and the hints that tell us he was never able to relate to women or feel like he could make them happy. it’s Tough on my heart to say that ginchan is basically ideal because, even though he is the mc, it’s like he was made to play that role in toshi’s life. he doesn’t bring all the answers but rather more questions cause there’s no way toshi can be confused now because his attraction to ginchan cant be excused with the role of ‘brother’ or ‘fated woman he was supposed to love’, gh bond is their own, their closeness in canon SHOULD raise suspicion cause it sure doesn’t seem straight.

well, i digressed WAY more than i should, but yeah that’s it, kudos on that folder.