#i mean they were tough to deal with especially at first probably i cant blame the guy

[shkika]

ey saint, what do you think of the cornworms voidworms?

he doesn't like them very much 👍

[orchidyoonkook]

Diving back into your glory with the second response! Kiki you once again absolutely spoil me. I had the biggest damn smile and the giggles reading through this <3

okay so the first thing that caught my eye was the warning yoon why????? a whole jk and ady warning i can't i don't think i can make it through them fucking 😩😩😩

I'm a big believer in not shying away from writing things that may make people uncomfortable. Especially if I find it to be crucial for the plot, like it is here. It's a very important back and forth, metnal conversation, sen reactions and visual scene and it. is. important!! THEREFORE! you get a warning that it is going to happen to prep yourself! I know folks dont really side pairings a lot of the time when the sex is included with them, but in this case I needed it to show an important contrast so I kept it in.

also! Because I can. :)

(this is also why i will fight to the death for all my horror, yandere, boundary pushing writers. Just because their work makes YOU (general use) uncomfortable or upset, doesnt make them wrong for writing it)

like oc and nel i can handle but jk and ady ugh nooooooo our boy our prince not her please anyone else i can take but not her (i just realized the hate train towards ady is strong damn my loyalty to oc ain't cracking) so i am just going to power through that part and take the angst that comes with it (which I welcome)

I hope you were able to see why it was needed!! (let me know if you wanna!) and I appreciate your dedication so much. I know it's tough when it's obvious to you as the reader why something probably shouldnt happen and ngl that makes it wayyyyyyyy more fun to write.

i did notice that subtle hint at of using someone and the fantasies uhmmmmm ok that must be the upside...

noooooooooooooooooo comment 😈

I honestly wonder why oc isn't mentioning her friendship with jk I honestly love it it's giving me little tingles,

She went over her reasoning in chapter three!! ☺ but that was a while ago so I cant blame you there. In a terribly summary she essentially wants to stay out of the public eye, keep the prince happy because she does emjoy his company, and not cause any drama with friends and family.

That being said! I love it too

i don't think i mentioned it but uhm this slow burn is everything its freaking burning and i think oc is definitely feeling it now that jk is with someone, the little encounter at the cafe and the texting they are just adorable and fluffy my face hurts from the smiles...

This is one of my favourite parts of the story. The banter, the subtle jabs, the build up upon build up, the realising of things and denying them, just all of it. Slow burns are my bread and butter, i can devour them always, and apparently I can somewhat write them too. Which is pretty cool

I just love how they have these opinions about each other's partners like the red flags they each see but they are all about each other's happiness, oc held back with ady but oooh jk isn't 😂 you go boy you tell her gosh i love his character in that scene....

This is another contrast!! It's intentional!! I love that you noticed because I try to be subtle about it. They both have their issues and deal with it in their own ways. OC very much deals with it in a small town girl way, whereas the freaking prince is, shockingly (not) very confrontational. I love that theyre opposites in this way.

oc and nel's scene had me pausing cause i literally went why the heck is she thinking about jk at a time like this and then she said it too it was epic oh oc you give me the giggles😂

AHA i LOVE this. I also love the fact their yours and her lines of thinking lined up. That's actually really nice feedback in a way because it means I was able to write OC in a way that actually mimics real life thought patterns when in certain situations and thats REALLY COOL to hear as the writer from the reader.

Also! Happy to make you giggle! Humor is another thing I struggle with writing wise, so I'm glad I can make you crack a smile now and then with mine.

wait what she didn't finish?!?!??!?!?! THIS IS MY ACTUAL REACTION IT'S LIKE OC IS IN MY HEAD ANSWERING ALL MY QUESTIONS OC BABYGIRL NO DIDN'T YOU LITERALLY GIVE YURI ADVICE ABOUT HER DATE AND NOW THIS 😩😩😩

The best advice often comes from those who have experience with things one way or another.

Ex: I never dated in highschool and yet I was the person ALLLLLLL of my friends came too for their relationship advice.

So, my darling OC was just looking out for her bestie in that regard imo, as someone who has trouble in that aspect of her life.

and we jump straight into jk's horror I can't help it this back to back is amazing, not me shouting no through out his entire scene why jk why, here's oc is having trouble and ady on her fourth whyyyyyyyy he better have oc on his mind

YOU DID SEE HOW THE BACK TO BACK WAS IMPORTANT!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!

oh I'm so happy, literally this was the "let me know if you wanna" from earlier. This is what I was hoping for!!

JK is allowed to make bad decisions every now and then unfortunately as no one is perfect and no one has perfect coping mechanisms the first time they encounter new problems. He's human, and therefore is prone to making poor human mistakes.

as for the orgasm ratio....noooo comment :)

i love how jungkook says nels name in full i can literally picture the disgust and the face he would pull (cue oc eye roll) italics and all..

AHA I love this. This is probably my fave part im sorry becaue I wrote this in intentionally as sort of a joke that turns into a habit and it's just.....so him. And i adore it because its SO. PETTY. and I live for it.

i am writing this as i read so everything scene/sentence i go to write something on my notepad so i hope it all makes sense

it does!!

and let's just say when he shut her up the scene was better to read

As the writer, I'm cackling. As a reader, FACTS.

ugh jungkook likes oc he likes her fuck can they get together already i am dying here this chapter was perfect (even if ady was in it) like the build up and their thoughts both being on each other oh that tension is building i love the progression between them and the next chapter is gone be golden ahhhhhh lemme run over

Literally the only response I can think to give is just a bunch of these guys: 😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈 and then a giant THANKYOU!

yoon you beautiful genius you have my heart this fic is everything and it's getting more and more captivating as it goes along i can't wait to see what more you do in this series seriously yoon with every update i go back and re-read everything again and I am in awe every single time and your talent, like this should be printed like i want a physical copy when it's done you are brilliant and such a star for coming up with this ily yoon i hope you know that 🥹🖤

SOBBING IN THE CLUB KIKI. THERES A SPOTLIGHT ON ME, IM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWD OF DANCING PEOPLE AND IM SOBBING.

And funfact! I can actually bind this when I'm done with it as I am slowly gathering all the materials I need in order to do so. So maybe one day it will have a physcial copy (or two)!

Once again I feel nothing but warmth and love and light and kindness from your beautiful words. As much as I enjoy writing, it's words like yours and lovely folks like you that make me want to keep writing.

Thankyou. Truly, truly.

Xo, Yoon.

To What We Were Before, And All The Things After | JJK | Ch. 6 | M

Title: Eastern Arrivals and Unwanted Doubt

Pairing: Prince!College Student!JK x Fine Arts Major!(F)!Reader

Series Rating//Genre: (M) | College AU, Mild Royalty AU, Smut, Angst, Fluff, S2F2L, Indiffernce to lovers, sloooowwww ass burn

Summary: Nel's here for the week and you couldn't be more excited!! Jungkook's another story though...

Warnings: M, fluff, smut, swearing, drinking, pining, angsstt, slight boundary pushing (not sexual), unwanted/ unneeded overprotectiveness, jealousy, lying, [reader eats bacon and eggs but it's not specified what kind or where it's from, just bacon and eggs, so whether that means veggie, vegan or normal is up to you], intentional pissing off of Nel, a little spat between major characters, sex as a plot device.

Mature warnings under the cut.

Word Count: 6,945

Release Date: April 20, 2:00PM

A/N 1: 6 months later and we have chapter 6! slow updates, but they will be written and they will be posted. I have no plans to abandon this, I just, very unfortunately, have a bit of an outernet life now. So not a lot of free time to be creative which I hate. But it's here!!

Series: Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four | Chapter Five

Mature Warnings: Consensual sex x 2, both reader with Nel and JK with Ady -> sorry not sorry cuz it's plot sex. We got us some: kissing, protected sex (as we should), missionary, fingering, oral (f. rec), tiny bit of groping (consenual), multiple orgasms, loud sex, like annoyingly, sex as a terrible coping mechanism (imo), fantasizing.

Bouncing lightly from foot to foot, you’re buzzing after finally receiving the text you were waiting on a few minutes ago.

Nelly <3 [10:10pm]: Landed. See you soon 😘

He’s almost here. He’s almost here!

Just a few more seconds until—

The gates slide open. A flood of people in a mixture of sweats and business casual wear with luggage of all sizes and neck pillows walk through. You hold up the sign above your head with both hands, a smile that could outshine the sun plastered on your face, and search.

Where is he? Where is he, where is he, where is he, you think as you scour the bodies filing out of the automatic doors. You can’t see him. He’s none of the nameless faces that pass you by as they find their family, friends or rides. 

Is this even the right group of people? What if his luggage got lost and he won’t be out with this group. What if he got taken aside for some reason, and now he’s being held in some dusty room being asked a bunch of stupid questions he doesn’t know how to answer? What if he’s fig—

But then there’s a gap in the crowd, and the boy you’ve spent the last half decade of your life with comes into perfect, crystalline view. His lips pulled taught, teeth beautifully bared as he sets his sights on your sign high in the air, then down to you.

And you're running. 

You’re running and dodging and swerving until you’re jumping into Nels arms as he abandons his suitcase in favour of keeping you both up right. He buries his face into your neck, holding you so tightly you think he’ll never let go. And that’s just fine with you as you hold on just as tight, taking in a big breath of him too. 

He smells like airplane and coastal breeze and most importantly, home. 

Nel smells like home.

A muffled, “Ohhhhhhh, I missed you,” greets your ears, and you melt into him even more if that's even possible.

“I missed you too,” you say, pulling back and kissing him. You don’t really care if there’s an audience or not right now. Not when Nel’s here, and he’s in your arms, and he’s yours for a whole 9 days and life is as it should be once again.

He releases his hold slightly, but your arms don’t leave his shoulders. The sign still clutched, now crushed and crinkled, in one hand. 

“Car?” he asks, a kiss to your nose.

“This way,” you lead, releasing your hold.

Luckily, his suitcase is small, so he forgoes rolling it, instead gripping the handle at the top and carrying it in one hand. Your own reaching for his other and not letting go. He’s going to have to peel you off him if he wants space right now. 

Nel’s wearing his usual fall attire; a dark green school sweater that has ‘ECAD’ written over the chest in a large, academic looking mustard yellow font, regular old blue jeans, and dark brown lace up boots. His short, dirty blond hair's covered by a hat you’d gotten him as a highschool graduation present, and his ocean blue eyes remain as gorgeous as they were the day you met. 

Passing through doors to the outside and back to lot J, you hop in the car as he puts his bag in the trunk.

“How have you been? What’s new? What’s not? Tell me everything,” he asks as he climbs in and sits beside you, hand finding yours again. 

Never gone for too long. You relish in the comfort and happiness that alone brings you. 

He’s finally here. You finally have him back.

“I’m great. Yuri’s still Yuri, classes are only a little more challenging this year, but I’m still at the top of them,” Nel slips in a ‘not surprised’ and you smile brighter as you continue. “They’re already telling us to start brainstorming ideas for our thesis show next year,” you have no idea what you’re going to do, but you’re working on it. “Campus is the same, dorms are the same, the cafe’s the same. Though, they have the egg tarts I like in more, which is awesome for my taste buds and terrible for my bank account.” 

Vivian stayed true to her word, and now they had the tarts in every week. 

“I can only imagine,” Nel jokes.

“Uhhmm, what else…” a thought pops up, and you guess you can tell him. It doesn’t reveal anything the whole world doesn’t already know. “The prince is dating Adaline Dupree.”

His eyebrows raise, remembering, “Oh yeah, that’s right, the prince goes to your school now.”

“Yep.”

“Have you met him?”

Is he seriously not completely shocked at the prince dating Adaline? You only bitched about her to him all the time.

“Uhhh… yep, once or twice, I guess.” 

You hate it. You hate lying, especially to Nel. You hate it so much, but it’s for the greater good. It’s to keep the peace. But that doesn’t stop the burning feeling in your chest nor the roil in your belly.

“The day he arrived Yuri dragged me down to see him speak. She made us sit front row because Yuri,” Nel nods, knowing exactly what you mean. “He had everyone assemble to hear why he was at school and tell us not to treat him like a prince. He wants to be able to study without his title getting in the way.”

You hit your blinker, making a one handed left turn. 

“Makes sense. Is he nice at least?” Nel doesn’t sound at all suspicious, and why should he? You’ve never given him reason to not believe you at your word before. Never lied to him before.

Fuck you hate this so much. It was so much easier when he was 5000 miles away. But now that he's right beside you? This week may end up being more difficult than you thought.

“He was very princely. Tried to kiss my hand like he did like every other girl there, but I made it a handshake instead. Figured if he wants to be treated like everyone else, I would liste—Oh!” you laugh before you can even get the words out.

“What?” he asks, intrigued but confused.

You can barely speak coherently. “You should have seen Yuri’s face when I called him Jungkook and not Prince or Your Highness...her eyes nearly fell out of her head,” tears are starting to form from laughing so hard. “It was great.”

“He didn’t mind?” Nel asks and you shake your head. Yuri’s face that day will forever be seared into your brain for whenever you need a pick-me-up. 

“No, he was grateful actually. I was the first person that had addressed him like that, the way he’d asked to be.” Stopping at a red light, you're finally regaining yourself.

“Well,” he squeezes your hand, “you always were good at first impressions,” and looks at you so softly you can’t help but smile into the kiss you give him. 

He remembers that school art fair just as fondly as you do. 

Nel pulls away first with a thought. “Is Yuri with us this time?” 

Yuri hadn’t been able to go home last year, her parents too busy on a work trip, so she stayed back and kicked it with you two, but also gave you your space when needed.

Lots and lots of space.

“Nope! Parents welcomed her with open arms this afternoon, I’m sure. They’re all on some tropical island down south. She’s bringing me an ocean bottle though, so I’m excited for that. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to add a new one.”

Everytime you travelled somewhere with a beach you got a glass bottle and filled it with half sand, half water, added in some shells or rocks and labelled it. Instead of towels, keychains, or magnets, you did ocean bottles. They lined a shelf in your room back home. 

You probably have at least fifteen of them by now. Your mum likes to travel and make sure you experience the world around you, not just your little corner of it.

“Oh that’s great babe! I know how much you love those.”

“Yeah, it is.” You lean your head on his shoulder, basking in his presence for as long as the light remains red. 

He’s here. He’s yours. 

You only have to do this for a couple more years and then you’ll be together all the time. God you can’t wait. But you are nothing if not disciplined. 

And it’s going to be so worth it in the end.

The rest of the ride to your dorm goes by quickly. 

Some more red lights, some more kisses. You point out the same things you always do on the way back, and Nel acts like it’s the first time he’s seen them, just like he always does.

His hand never leaves yours over the center console. 

Soon enough, you find yourselves flopping down on your bed. Bags, jackets and shoes, scattered. Nel pulls you into him, his head on your pillow, yours lying on his chest. True peace settling in for the first time in months.

“I can't wait until we’re done school and I have more than four and a half months with you a year,” he sighs.  “It’s not enough. I want more. Need more.”

“Me too. But good things come to those who wait.”

“Yeah…I’m just really sick of waiting.” 

“Me too,” you repeat in a yawn. 

Nel’s breathing slowly evens out as you lie there, content to be in your arms again. And you look up to see his eyes closed, warm exhales brushing over your face from his nose. 

You can’t blame him for being so tired. He’d had an early morning exam before flying out, even brought his suitcase to it so he could leave the second he was done. Then, the flight alone was ten hours, plus travel times to and from the airports was about an hour each way, and the wait time before boarding was another two. 

Shit, he’s probably been awake for around eighteen hours straight at this point because he’s also the type that can’t sleep on planes no matter what he tries. 

Oh, Nel...Of course he’s exhausted.

Giving him a squeeze before getting up, you take off his socks and jeans carefully, then tuck him into bed as much as you can. You’d try the sweater, but it involved too many working parts and you didn’t want to wake him, so you figure it’s best to have the window open tonight instead. 

Grabbing your phone, you tiptoe to the bathroom and do your night time routine. It’s not an overly complicated one, just brushing your teeth, washing your face and a simple 3 step skincare routine of cleanser, toner and moisturizer. Short and sweet, but it does the job. 

Halfway through brushing, you do your friend due diligence and send Yuri a ‘back safe’ text, just like she’d sent you her own ‘here safe’ when she’d landed.

You spit and rinse, moving onto washing your face and applying cleanser.

Teeth clean and face moisturized, you sneak into your room again. Nel's still out cold. 

You sneak out of habit—your mom wakes at the sound of a pin dropping. But absolutely nothing could wake Nel now outside of his mother’s voice and his morning alarm. It’s a talent of his you’ve always been jealous of.  

Removing today's clothes and tossing them in your overflowing hamper—reminder to self: do laundry—you slide on your pjs and climb into bed beside him, plugging in your phone and setting it down. 

A thought pops into your head and you pick it back up, shooting a quick text before you can think twice. 

You [11:26pm]: home safe

It pings not seconds later.

PJK [11:26pm]: Thanks Picasso  PJK [11:27pm]: glad ur home safe

Your heart beats a little louder at the nickname, and you chalk it up to the excitement still in you at having Nel here and being tired. 

But you sleep better that night than you have in a long time. 

A short, repetitive, rhythmic vibration. 

Picasso [11:26pm]: home safe

Jungkook is still standing in the same corner by the wall, Adaline somewhere in the crowd in front of him dancing with her friends. She asked him to join her, but he declined. He doesn’t need to see himself more than half drunk and dancing on the cover of tomorrow’s news cycles. Not to mention his security team would shut the party down the second a camera flashed.

His guards are carefully stationed throughout the house, all dressed down in casual wear, a few with empty cups in their hands. One is watching some sort of beer pong like game in the corner, another is mingling with some guys over in the kitchen. Three he can’t immediately see. And he knows his head guard is outside in a black car ready to get him out at a moment's notice.

Nobody can tell they aren’t here for the party, not unless they’re sober enough to notice watchful eyes continually making their way over the crowd as the night goes on. 

Your text woke him from the stillness he’s adapted from standing so long, trying hard not to draw attention to himself. 

You were home safe. Home safe from the airport. Home safe from picking up Cornelius. 

Your boyfriend. 

Cornelius, your boyfriend. 

He doesn’t acknowledge his teeth grinding.

You were home from picking up your beau but even then, you’d texted him to let him know you were back on campus safely. To let him know you were okay. 

It’s the first thing that makes him smile all night.

So he sends back, a bit to quickly: 

Me [11:26pm]: Thanks Picasso Me [11:26pm]: glad ur home safe

Because it means something to him that you deem him close enough to send a ‘home safe’ text too. 

That you want him to know you’re back.  

Want him to know you’re safe.

Whether you know it or not, your safety means a lot to Jungkook, so that little two word text makes his heart lurch. 

He needs to leave. 

He needs to get out of this fucking house and back to his dorm. He came, he drank, he observed, he fulfilled his boyfriend duty.

That’s enough for him. 

He shoots Adaline a text that says he isn’t feeling well and gets out as fast as he possibly can, dodging bodies left and right and doing his best to hide his face. 

Once he’s out, security team in tow, the cooling midnight air does him some good. 

“Someone make sure she gets back to her dorm safe,” he says in their general direction, brain too muddled to be polite in this exact moment, but it’s nothing they haven’t seen before. 

This is going to be such a long week.

He can’t wait till it’s over. Till he doesn’t have to share anymore. 

He was never very good at it anyway. 

The smell of bacon wakes you. 

And toast, and…

Eggs? 

You think, at least. Since when do you have bacon? Or eggs? Toast is a given, it’s part of your life’s blood.

Opening your eyes, you blindly reach for your phone, successfully unplugging it and bringing it to your face.

The screen is too bright but you suffer through it, squinting.

9:27am. 

9:27? 

You slept for ten hours!?

You can’t remember the last time you slept more than 6 consecutively, aside from recovery nights, and even then it was fitful.

Nel comes in with two plates, his full with a very Eastern breakfast of pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon. Yours with two pieces of toast, lots of bacon, a bit of eggs and some fruit. Where did he—?

He smiles at your confusion, “You have a cafeteria that sells breakfast food, you know.”

You know that.

“I know that.”

“Do you? Because the look on your face says otherwise.”

You flop back down and pull the pillow over your head, mumbling incoherent nonsense. You rarely used the dorm cafeteria for breakfast. Much preferring the greenhouse cafe or simple toast and juice that you can make in your dorm.

He chuckles. “Two breakfasts for me then, okay, if you insist,” Nel moves to leave but you screech, uncovering your face.

“Noo! I want it. Please, sweet nutrition,” he hands the plate over when you sit up, arms out stretched, and you dig in. 

After a piece of bacon, you ask, “How long have you been up?”

Nel’s sitting with his legs crossed at the end of your bed, munching away, “Long enough to get changed, grab my wallet, get food and come back.”

The bacon is really good. You’ve never been so glad he knew you so well as you grab another piece from the dwindling pile.

“You slept well then, too? That’s good, I’m glad. You needed the rest.”

“Having you around always makes it easier to fall asleep,” he nudges your knee with his elbow.

Even after five years he can still make you blush.

“I know the feeling.”

You two fall into step, starting your weeks in advance prepared plans, the rest of your day passing quickly. 

Too quickly. 

And so does the next day, and the next, and the next. 

All of your activities are going great. The zoo, picnics, study dates, restaurant dates, historical, artistic and architectural museum tours. Even a swim at the school’s indoor pool, and there’s plenty more to come. 

Things slip back into being easy, just as they always have been with Nel, ever since that first day back in tenth grade. 

He knows you like the back of his hand and predicts your moves before you make them, just like you do for him. 

You know his favourite foods, and where he prefers to park when driving—always avoiding open curbs—you know his dream travel destinations, and who his favourite musicians are. You know his favourite pencils to design with and his favourite pencils to shade with, that he always put on his right sock first, then right shoe, then left sock and left shoe. You know that his drink order is an iced coffee with two cream and two sugar, that he prefers loose shirts over fitted ones, and that his favourite colour is orange.

It’s a pretty orange too, not just any orange. You wonder if it’s anything like Jungkook's–

Wait. 

You search your memory for the information, going through favourite foods, drinks, music—all discussed previously, because you know their answers. But colour?

Nothing.

How have you never asked what Jungkook’s favourite colour is?

Isn’t that usually one of the first things people ask when they’re trying to get to know one another? Funny. Guess you’ll have to inquire the next time you see him. 

Anyways, just like you know everything there is to know about Nel, he knows everything about you too, including your routines. 

Which is why at twelve noon every day, he starts getting ready to go to the greenhouse for your afternoon study session.

Including today.  

Your week’s already half over and you hate it. Time always moves far to fast when all you want it to do is slow the fuck down. 

You only have five days left. Five days.

You’re lucky the greenhouse cafe is open during break, some places on campus are required to stay open for the students who can’t make it home, but greenhouse chooses to. 

As you and Nel turn the corner you see a familiar figure sitting in his old spot at the back of the patio. The same hat, mask and hoodie, now paired with a leather jacket on top due to the weather starting to cool down.

You can tell Jungkook wasn’t expecting to see you by the way he stiffens before those all too familiar brown eyes of his meet your own. Which is fair, your schedule shifts a bit when you’re on break, he isn’t used to you being here at twelve on Wednesdays. 

But as quickly as he sees you, his gaze is back on his laptop, like he never saw you in the first place. 

Like you asked him to do. 

And a sharp pain stings inside your chest.

When you and Nel get to your table, he sits in the seat opposite to where you always do, leaving where Jungkook usually sits beside you, empty. 

A part of you is grateful for that, though you can’t figure out why and table that self discussion for a later date. 

Setting down your things, you ask Nel if he wants coffee. He answers yes, like always, and after a quick visit with Viv, you're pulling out your chair and setting down your cups. Your back faces Jungkook. It’s a small mercy you can’t see him. Maybe you can forget he’s here and actually focus on your work. 

But it’s also exactly because of your position, that you can’t see as Jungkook subtly watches you over the rim of his laptop while you and Nel talk quietly and study. 

Nel can though. 

It feels weird to ignore him. To pretend you don’t know one another when for the better part of the last seven weeks all you’ve done is talk, hang out, study or a mixture of the three, every day. 

When having him sit behind you and not beside you feels so wrong and so foreign. 

But this is your own doing, you caused this. So you need to suck it up and get used to it. 

This is exactly what you asked for all those weeks ago. The perfect solution to your problem. 

No one can know. 

Not Nel. 

Not anyone. 

But fuck, if it didn’t absolutely suck in practice. 

Setting some of your books out around you and on the table Jungkook usually uses, you dig into your business homework. Having a major and a minor are great for job prospects, on paper, and in practice after you’ve completed them.

But getting them? It takes years of hard work and dedication with no distractions. 

None.  

You spend almost every free moment you have doing homework or practicing, trying to get ahead, trying to stay on top.

…Trying to beat Adaline. 

But you just use that as fuel for your drive to be better. To be the best. 

Competition is healthy. Especially when you’re winning against the rich brat who’s used to getting what she wants. 

Not that you're petty.

Ehh…You are. But only a little bit. At least you can admit it.

Nel gets to work as well, the sunlight from his spot is great for drawing. He’s working on a rough version of his thesis project that’s due at the end of the year. He has to have multiple completed renderings as well as a scale model, and he’s been brainstorming since last year about what he wants to do.

Currently, he’s drawing up an airport, trying to design so that it’s not confusing and complicated for first time users. 

However, his occasional swearing and muttering to himself makes you think he’s having a tough time with it. 

You try not to laugh, but a small giggle slips out. 

“What,” Nel asks, a little distracted.

“Nothing.”

“No really, what’s up? I could use a laugh right now,” he insists, eyes on you at first. But then something behind you steals their attention every few seconds. 

Someone. 

“You just…you still make funny sounds when you're frustrated with a drawing. It’s endearing.” You reach to place your hand on his knee, trying to gain back his full attention. 

Ignore him, Nel. Please ignore him. 

“Yeah...” he exhales. “I guess airports are out,” his hand covers yours quickly and you hear a faint chair screech from behind you. Nel doesn’t miss it as he says. “But I do have a much bigger appreciation and understanding for all those who came before me,” pupils now unmoving from their target behind you. 

Fine. 

You’ll acknowledge it. 

“Is everything okay? You keep looking at something? Is there an animal or…” You know what he’s looking at, but go so far as to turn anyway, playing up the ‘confused girlfriend’ role. But Nel squeezes your hand, stopping you. 

He leans in, placing a fake mask of serene on and lowers his voice. “That guy keeps looking at us, moreso you. And he looks pissed off.”

Fuck, think of something.

Anything. Anythi—Oh!

You lean in too, so close your noses almost touch. “He’s probably just upset we’re talking. The greenhouse cafe is usually a quiet place to work,” good enough, you think. That’s believable, right?. “It’ll be fine. Let’s just ignore him and get back to work.”

You place a quick kiss on his lips but Nel isn’t letting up on his unnecessary vigilance. But then again, he doesn’t know that Jungkook is the opposite of a threat to you. So you reassure him, in your own way.  

“Babe, seriously. If you’re going to be all protective or whatever, don’t. I come here everyday when you're not here and I’m still alive and unharmed. Go get a sandwich or a refill to get your head off of it and say hi to Viv. She’s still here, and I’m betting she remembers you. You’re kinda hard to forget.” 

You can tell Nel’s about to reject the idea when you insist. “I’ll be fine, Nel. Promise. Three years and not a scratch on me.” 

He sighs through his nose, but relents. 

Placing his drawing pad on the table, he gets up, but not before placing another kiss to your forehead and mumbling, “Scream ‘cumquat’ if you’re in danger and I’ll come running, okay?” 

You laugh outright at that. “Will do.”

You watch him as he goes, and the second he’s inside, you’re racing for your phone, typing at an astounding speed.

You [1:45pm]: Didn’t your royal upbringing teach you not to stare so blatantly!??? Nel caught you

You hear a quiet ping from behind you followed by a small exhale that sounds more like a disguised chuckle. 

PJK [1:45pm]: Yes.  

You [1:45pm]: So you intentionally got caught?

PJK [1:45pm]: Maybe

You [1:45pm]: Shithead

PJK [1:46pm]: Rude

You [1:46pm]: You deserve it

PJK [1:46pm]: I know. I’m just making sure he’s treating you right.  PJK [1:47pm]: and trying to see if he acts differently when he knows he’s being watched. He’s very protective you know 

Jungkook saw the second Nel noticed he was watching you. 

His posture changed from easy going to on alert. His hand went so quickly to yours on his knee and his public displays of affection increased significantly. 

It was pathetic, really. It went above a normal amount of protection. Nel was claiming his ‘property’, making sure Jungkook knew not to touch. 

And the nasty look Nel gave him as he entered the cafe—gratefully still unrecognizable in his disguise—was another silent way to say back off, stay away, and don’t try anything or you’ll regret it. 

It was a red flag in Jungkook's mind. A small one, but it’s still there because his efforts are completely unneeded. After five years together, Nel should know that you can handle yourself. 

Hell, Jungkook knows that and it’s only been two months. 

You [1:47pm]: yes I know he is, and I already told you he treats me well because he always. Does. Not just in public or under watchful eyes  You [1:48pm]: and since when does my boyfriend of half a decade need your ~princely~ seal approval?

He ignores the small jab. You only ever brought up his title when you were mocking or upset with him. And he knows that in this case it's the latter.

PJK [1:48pm]: Since now PJK [1:49pm]: And it’s not that I don’t trust you at your word, but I usually like to decide for myself

That has you reeling. 

Where does he get the audacity to think he has any say in or about your relationship? Your very solidly built, five years strong, healthy, happy relationship?

Because he’s the Prince? You’re pretty sure you established on day one that you didn’t and still don’t give a fuck about his birthright. 

If he thinks he gets an opinion on any of this he’s got another thing coming the second he asks you anything about Adaline again. 

You’re in the middle of typing out a paragraph explaining all of this when another text comes in.  

PJK [1:49pm]: Because I’ve seen far too many women in love who are blind to certain things PJK [1:50pm]: And far too many hurt in the end because of it. 

You pause. Fingers frozen mid swipe.

Blind to what?

How many women did he know that were in love but missing something about their partner? Surely there couldn't be that many. Right? 

But this was Jungkook you were talking to, he’s lived numerous lifetimes already. That fancy birthright of his you don’t care about having given him far too many life experiences to have at his age. And they’re only going to increase from here.

So instead of hitting send and cursing him out quite spectacularly, you stop and think for a moment. 

What did he see that they didn’t? 

That you might… not?

You’re a decent judge of character if your record tracks. And it does. 

So your curiosity gets the better of you as you delete your rage paragraph and settle for a simple two word question instead. 

You [1:50pm]: Like what?

You can see that he’s typing out a response but the bell on the cafe door rings and you put your phone down. It buzzes with his response a few seconds after. 

You’ll check it later.

Nel takes his seat again, and you notice he has his sandwich, but also that he’s moved his chair and starts sketching from the new position giving him a direct eye line with Jungkook. 

You internally scoff at that. 

Nel has always been protective. But he was raised that way and you don’t mind too much. You don’t expect him to change his core values for you, just like he never expects you to change yours for him, even when a couple of his are just the slightest bit overbearing. 

But that’s part of a relationship. Give and take and compromise. No one person is going to be perfect for another. It’s healthy to have differences. 

That being said, Nel doesn’t change positions for the rest of the hour. Even as Jungkook packs up and leaves, Nel eyeballs him until he’s out of sight. 

That night while Nel is brushing his teeth and you're lying in bed, you check the text from Jungkook. 

PJK [1:51pm]: Like if they’re getting treated the way they should be or if they’re settling for the best they think they can get or for the first guy that showed interest. The one who hasn’t grown up even though time has passed. The one who’s holding her back by not setting her free

You stare at your phone. At the text. At his words. 

And dismiss it. 

You aren’t one of those women. 

You know yourself. 

You know what you deserve and how you should be treated. You didn’t settle, you just happened to find your love at a young age. That’s something special and rare and should be protected. And Nel has most certainly grown up as time passed. 

Jungkook is being ridiculous for absolutely no reason. Surely he’ll have seen that today. Seen how Nel loves you, treats you how you deserve to be treated, holds you up. Supports you. 

You’re confident he’ll be eating his words soon enough.

Finished brushing, Nel comes back to the bedroom and snuggles up behind you and you put down your phone. 

He cuddles you for a minute before placing a kiss at your neck. Then another. And another before he’s mouthing up your neck, and sliding a hand up your thigh and to your waist. It pauses on your stomach with teasing caresses, before dipping lower and lower, beneath the fabric of your sleep shorts, and under the elastic of your underwear. 

A small moan sounds in your throat at the touch. His fingers meeting your folds and the sensitive bundle of nerves at their apex.

You wanted this. 

Need it. 

He’s grown, you think; as a finger slips in you and you gasp at the stretch, legs opening wider for him. A second finger plunges in and you can feel yourself getting wetter and wetter with every thrust. Just like you can feel a bulge forming behind you. 

You know what you deserve; as he uses them to scissor you open, making sure you’re ready. You roll over, now on your back with Nel over you as he pulls your shorts and underwear down to get better access, your own hands removing your shirt.

You’re not settling; as Nel moves down, tongue making a couple swipes at your entrance and you hiss in pleasure before he’s reaching over, grabbing a condom from the nightstand drawer and sliding it on, length hard and dripping at the sight of you bared before him. 

Nel wasn’t the first guy who’d shown interest, just the first you’d said yes to; and he slides in. Both of you moaning at the snug fit.

“Fuck...” he says and you nod, agreeing, before pulling him down into a deep kiss.

He eases into a slow, steady rhythm that has you breathy and his abs tensing. 

But it’s not enough. You need more. You need to erase these past two months without him, and take enough to last for the next two. It’s never enough, but you try. 

“Faster baby,” you beg, “Please…faster.”

Nel isn’t holding you back. Jungkook doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. 

Nel picks up the pace and you start moaning, louder like you know he likes. Likes to hear he’s doing a good job. He’s grabbing your breast and sucking in a nipple, tongue swirling and you're bringing your hips to meet his with every thrust. 

It feels good. It always feels good with Nel. 

He was your first everything. First kiss, first intimate touch, first love. 

Only love.

And he makes you feel good with that love. That touch. His kiss.

He makes you feel safe, inside and out. 

Jungkook can go eat grass. He doesn’t know your relationship. Doesn’t know the first thing about it. 

“There, right there!” you whine as Nel hits your sweet spot once and you arch. He tries again but misses, continuing faster, his peak coming quickly. 

Jungkook can never understand what you two have. What you two have built in these five years. The understanding and security that comes with it. 

He’s being an unrightfully opinionated ass on something he knows nothing about and— 

Fuck! Why are you thinking about Jungkook? You’re having sex with Nel. You shouldn’t be thinking about anything or anyone other than that. 

Than him. 

So why can’t you get what Jungkook said out of your fucking head?

“Ahhh… oh fuck. I’m cumming.” Nel’s hips stutter, his face contorting in pleasure as he releases, filling the condom.

You kiss him passionately to rid yourself of your princely plagued thoughts, the ones filling you with unwanted and unnecessary doubt. You want them gone, gone, gone. Nothing but Nel in their place. 

And you slip an, “I love you,” in between kisses for good measure. 

Jungkook could never understand. 

Nel kisses you back just as hard, dramatically slowing his thrusts, drawing out his high for as long as possible. 

“I love you too.”

Jungkook doesn’t know anything. 

Nel groans into your lips when it becomes too much and pulls out. 

Removing and tying off the condom, Nel goes to the washroom to throw it out and starts the shower he knows you’ll be joining him for when you're done. 

A routine you’re all too familiar with. 

One you created. 

He knows you need a few minutes to get yourself off. 

You’ve never been able to cum from sex with a partner. No matter how hard you tried. No matter what you did. 

Most would think Nel wasn’t a good lover or wasn’t trying enough, but it was through years of constantly trying anything and everything that you learned you just…couldn’t. 

No amount of fingering or oral or penetration from your partner could make you orgasm. 

So Nel knows to wait for you in the shower as you finish yourself off, your own fingers making quick work of it, because you always could for some reason. 

It isn’t your ideal situation, and it isn’t anyone’s fault. But it works. You both get the intimacy you crave and you accepted a long time ago that you were just one of the unlucky few. 

Screams fill Jungkook’s ears as a hand finds his hair and nails rake against his scalp. 

Adaline isn’t a quiet receiver. 

“Ohmygod!” She shouts for the twentieth time. “Yes! There…so goo-oohhhh,” the last syllable turning into a loud moan. 

He’s holding her downwith a forearm by her pelvis, mouth full as he brings out her third orgasm of the night, juices flooding his tongue. 

He’s working out earlier frustrations and proving a point to himself in this fucked up version of self therapy. 

He shouldn’t be. 

But he does.

Has to.

Seeing you today with Cornelius spurred feelings within him that he didn’t know he had. Sure, there were bits and pieces of something stirring he refused to name, but today? 

They were in a whole different ballpark. Different than anything else he’s ever felt before, brewing inside him, bubbling up to the surface even though he’s been trying his best to pop them and shove them down.

Anger? 

Feelings he doesn’t want to have. 

Jealousy? 

Does have. 

Wanting you to look at him the way you look at Nel?

Can’t have. 

Not for… 

He admits he provoked Nel because he could. Dick move, but it was because Jungkook knew just by looking at him that giving you any form of attention would piss him off.  He seemed the type. 

Overly possessive, overprotective. 

Overbearingly so. 

Suffocatingly so. 

Because Nel knows how lucky he is. That you chose him. That you still choose him. 

He knows he has to keep others away. 

Knows he isn’t good enough for you, holds you back. But keeps you anyway.

The selfish prick. 

So Jungkook eyed you up and down, leisurely, and for as long as he wanted. Purely out of the need to prove to himself he was right about his little assessment of your boyfriend. At least that’s what he told himself. 

Was it childish and unnecessary? 

Yes. 

But he was right. And that felt good. 

He could see in your posture and your hushed words you didn’t want Nel’s protection, didn’t need it, and that Nel ignored that wish of yours. Did what he wanted to instead of respecting your ability to make decisions for yourself. Bulldozed your opinions. 

It pissed Jungkook off. 

He’d left a little while after sending you that text to read, but you never did. At least not since the last time he checked. And so he’d made plans with Adaline the second he was out of your earshot. Calling her up and setting a time for what’s currently taking up his primary focus. 

Because even though it was Adaline underneath him, for the very first time, that’s not who he imagined it was. 

Not who he just dragged a fourth orgasm out of with his fingers because he could. 

Because he would. He would be so much better. Give so much more. If only… 

Fuck.

Jungkook stands and drags his cock over Adaline’s entrance, whacking it against her clit a couple times before running the tip through her folds and pushing in. He hisses at the feeling. At who he was sinking into in his head, splayed out in front of him. Skin glistening with sweat mixed with arousal. Mouth open, slack jawed in pleasure. 

Adaline moans loudly and it dissolves his visual. 

His tattooed hand moves to hold her hands above her head, the other silences her mouth. 

“Quiet now,” he whispers, low and deep. A bead of sweat dripping off his brow, hair sticking to his neck and temple.

He intends it to be sexy for her, but in reality, he’s just sick of hearing her. It’s ruining his mental image. Not that she’ll ever know that though. 

To Adaline, this session is all about her and making her feel good. 

But constant screams and loud, pornographic moans aren’t appealing to him in the slightest. They're taking him out of the mood. Making him soft. 

Once or twice when it’s genuine? Sure. But the constant assault she loves to give his eardrums? Not even a little bit.

He sets a fast, rough pace, and Adaline’s eyes roll back in pleasure, screams finally subsiding in white hot bliss, replaced by bitten lips and smothered whimpers.

He is going to prove this point to himself over and over again. All night if he has to. 

And he has to.  

To get whatever it is he’s feeling for you out of his system.

To keep his sanity. 

To forget. 

And while it’s Adaline’s name is on his lips when he cums. 

It’s not the name he repeats in his head like a prayer. 

Chapter Seven: Hard Goodbyes and Favourite Colours

A/N 2: Thanks for waiting for this chapter. I'll try my best to have 7 out as soon as I can get it. I promise.

A/N 3: As always, Thank you for reading, loves. Xoxo - Yoon <3

<- Back

[wkemeup]

my mom's a therapist, and as a result I've grown up with stories of clients that got mad at her for being human; needing to reschedule appointments because she was sick, telling clients that they weren't a good fit and referring them to some other clinicians she knew, etc. it was a client, after all, that gave her covid back in December which consequently infected our whole family. throughout it all, though, my mother has stayed so kind and selfless in the face of most battles, and I'll never stop admiring her for that.

I think being a therapist is one of the bravest careers someone can choose, because I know that, at least for me, listening to other people talk about their ups and downs will just send me spiraling about my own. I took three years of psychology classes, and I loved the courses, but I don't think I'd ever be able to get myself into a psychology practice. I'm so amazed and in awe of you and everyone else that is pursuing that field. my heart is with you

(I want to first make it clear that I am in no way referencing the previous anon who talked about their therapist being out for a month and getting injured. I absolutely understand how difficult it is on clients when the therapist has to cancel or is out of the office - especially when you're going through something and really need them. This is a whole separate thing here, so if that anon sees this please know you're absolutely ok!!)

I completely identify with your mom on that. I have had multiple clients get very upset with me for days I've had to call out sick and their appts were rescheduled, or even when I go on vacation for a week and aren't able to see them at our usual interval. Trust me that I understand the magnitude of mental health and what this job requires, but I think it can be so easy for people to forget that I'm human, too. I get sick. I need time off. I have a whole world of my own shit I'm dealing with too.

and I know that the whole point of therapy is that the patient shouldn't carry the burden of knowing my own shit, but (speaking from my own experience with my clients) I wish sometimes there could be an understanding that I am not immune to the world either and my existence doesn't cater 100% to you. I cant tell if I'm sounding too harsh, and honestly this is about to turn into my personal vent about this and struggling with my job because I really need it right now, so feel free to tune me out and disregard.

I obviously want to help people. Im in this job for a reason. But sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm cut out for it at all because my own mental health has really suffered in the last year and even before that in episodes before I was officially a therapist. I have clients who will say stuff like "you could never understand how this actually feels" but like, I've been depressed. I struggle with anxiety. I have had significant issues with food and my weight. But I am often treated like I am a machine at disposal - required to be available 100% of the time to each individual client, despite the fact I have 70 people on my caseload.

There is never going to be a moment where I snap my fingers and make things better for my clients. Your mental health is still your own responsibility. My job is to help you navigate it, learn how to manage it, and make it smaller and smaller until it doesn't carry the same weight it used to. But I can't fix you. You have to actually do the work and it is so much work but so many of my patients can't see that so they expect me to have all the answers and make them better and I can't. That's the secret with therapy. You fix yourself. You help yourself. Im just there to guide you and help process shit along the way.

but anyway.

sorry idk how I got here but I've obvs been feeling very dehumanized at my job lately. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I sit there and nod casually as a client rants at me about how I'm bad at my job and they're not getting better nevermind the fact that they aren't actually willing to do the skills I'm trying to teach them. So many of them rely too much on medication or just blame me instead.

I'm so burnt out and I'm only 3 years into this job officially and I wonder a lot if my own mental health is going to be what takes this job from me one day. Idk. hell maybe it makes me a bad person for even complaining about this.

I should also say that I have tons of great clients who are very understanding and ask kindly about how my time off was and work really hard in therapy and are doing so well. The tough stuff just obviously weighs a little more.

It's scary to have someone put so much onto you, you know? So many of my clients treat me like I am the only thing keeping them together and honestly for a lot of them, I'm sure they really do mean that. It can just be heavy on me. Sinking, really.

Im not expecting anyone to still be reading by now because somehow this turned into a public diary post lol but if you are, thank you for listening. This is your reminder that therapists have big feelings too and struggle and should probably also see a therapist themselves lol.

anyway.

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 21 - Gone with the Wind's relation to BLM.

K: Ok, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, starting this episode of The Freedom of Expression. Joe san, Tasai san. Welcome. Well, um..you know, Dir en grey...we've cancelled our Pia Arena concerts.

J: Ahh, thats right.

K: Its a bit...

T: Its a shame.

K: Well..it is a shame..it was kind of a build up of different things. We did search for ways which we could make it happen. We went to the venue in person, and tried to come up with ideas about how it could work, incuding our staff in the discussion, but...in the end it was quite difficult.

J: Ahh, really?

K: I had thought if we started to be a bit active things might begin to change. I really wanted to get moving, but...well..there would be people who wouldn't be able to go...

J: Well, yes.

K: So when we thought about whether we should do it...hmm..yeh.

J: Well, we want to let everyone know that you went as far as going to the venue to try to figure out what to do, and it does not mean that the band will disappear..

K: Yes

J: And in this sense, its a matter of waiting for the right time.

K: Yeah.

J: Right?

K: When will that be though, right?

J: Ah, well, the number of infections in Tokyo is in a state of increase at the moment, in particular, the night time entertainment sector is being blamed, so it seems as if live houses, or so called places of entertainment may be facing tough times for a little while yet.

K: Well, the numbers...if you decreased the number of customers..there are some places starting to operate again in that way, right?

J: There are, yes.

K: But packed standing areas are probably still a bit far off.

J: Yeah. When I think of a Dir en grey live show...I think of Shinkiba etc, I mean, thats what comes up in my mind. One way to see that type of place is like the three C's woven together (Cramped and poorly ventilated, crowded with people, close contact setting).

K: Yeh.

J: So it is really painful not being able to do that. But while it may take a while until we can, in the meantime we can find different ways or hybrid ways of doing it.

K: Yeah, we have to keep looking in a foward direction. Well...but on the days that we ought to have been performing, the 24th and 25th of  this month, we are planning to stream the intended setlist live on Youtube, so if people can, I'd love them to watch that.

Kami: Um....um...

J: Ah, Kami is here.

Kami: Have you considered playing live wearing face guards or something?

K, J: Face guards?

K: No, we didn't consider that, hahaha

J, T, K: Hahaha

J: This wouldn't fit with Dir en grey.

K: No, we actually talked about it, jokingly. Like how about it?

*laughing*

J: No, if you actually did, it would be like you were making fun of it or something like that. Hahaha.

Kami: Have you thought about ventilating the venue during the show or something?

K: Hmm, yeh, we'd have to make an interval in the middle and doing something like that.

T: I see

J: Well, its difficult isn't it? You'd have to deal with a lot of things. But just like you want to do it, people want to see it too, we are all the same.

Kami: Watching a Dir en grey show with interval breaks would be quite hard, right?

K: Hm, yeah it would probably break the tension.

T: Yeah.

K: Kinda.

Kami: What do you think about doing that?

K: Doing that...well..

Kami: Raising the tension, they saying  Ok, ventilation time!

K: We'd have to make it kinda like smoothly seperated waves.

J: Like leading into something when there is a break?

K: Leading into something. For example, like something sanwiched between the different sections, like showing a piece of film or something.

J: Ahh, its difficult! The people making the rules, have probably never been to live cocerts, because they don't imagine this type of thing at all. We'll have to think about all these small details at the time of performing from now on.

K: Ok, well, today...Joe san, can you please go ahead.

J: Ok, I'd like to go ahead with today's news. This is the news of how Gone with the Wind relates to the Black Lives Matter movement.

With the ongoing anti-racism Black Lives Matter movement, the expanding movement fighting for the lives of black people to be valued, the American streaming service HBO Max who halted the broadcasting of the Hollywood movie Gone with the Wind, have decided to start streaming the movie again, this time with a disclaimer attached....I'm sure you all know it...a movie which is set during the era of the American civil war, in which the system of slavery existed. This was announced by the American entertainment site TMZ. The same service had stopped streaming the movie earlier this month, after Oscar winning screen writer, John Ridley had pointed out that it includes affirmative portrayals of the system of slavery. Ridley won an Oscar for his work on the movie 12 Years A Slave, which depicts the experiences of slaves who were brought to America during the 19th century. According to TMZ, Jaqueline Stewart, a professor know for her research into the history of black people in cinema, has prepared a video containg some historical background to accompany the movie, in which she asks why we need to appreciate this 1939 movie in its original form, and says how it is  important to discuss our interpretations of it. Furthermore, a video of a panel discussion about this movie which took place in April last year will also be shown at the same time. Gone with the Wind is a movie based on the story by Margret Mitchell, featuring top star of the time, Clark Gable, and English actress, Vivian Leigh.

Soo, Gone with the Wind...the news that streaming was stopped once, but has been restarted with a disclaimer attached. What do you think about this, Kaoru?

K: This type of stuff has been said for a long time, right?

J: Yes.

K: And there are a lot of movies like this aren't there?

J: There are. When looking back now, some parts seem problematic. Well, even so, its a difficult issue, but I don't really think there was any need to halt streaming it in the first place. When watching a movie with such a background as this, people will have various feelings about it, so I don't really...but of course including these extras..the American Black Lives Matter movement has grown huge in a way no one imagined, so in order to prevent adding fuel to the fire, these extra videos are being screened too. But, in the first place, I think its important for people to watch works like this, and think about it for themselves. If you are always telling people how it should be, the nuance or message contained in these movies might be lost. Its quite difficult.

T: Well, if it is lost, we'll end up forgetting how that generation used to see the world.

J: Yeah

K: But we won't lose it, right? Just from this..???1* So, well..it was a problem which couldn't be stopped at that time, it was a growing problem. You can sense that meaning, but its like, how you put it across.

J: Yeh, thats right. Well, this isn't about this movie, but for example, as for books, the publication of Hitler's Mein Kampf was halted for 70 years after the war in Germany. There was the idea that it would be bad to let people read Hilter's autobiography, after what he did. But a few years ago it started to be permitted to be published again, based on the idea that banning it also isn't a good idea. And people do actually want to read it, it is selling. So what do you do? Its a very difficult issue. If the works are by people who have done very bad things, like, a if they are written by a very bad person, should we ban it....Like some of Dir en grey's videos are also quite...when you majored, weren't some of them withdrawn or denied release?

K: With that ????2*

J: Ahh, I see. Some bits were ok, and some weren't? Well, with corona changing the world now, this problem will...

K: Well, this type of thing has an influence on a lot of stuff.

J: It does, yes.

K: Like Japanese anime.

T: Also, people are questioning this idea of 'whitening' beauty products.

J, K: Ahh, yeah.

T: That type of thing has come out recently. But even if you say 'whitening' in the context of beauty, what does it mean? Does it mean, white people are beautiful, or does it mean your skin is ???*3 That has become a talking point.

K: Now that you mention it, you are not allowed to tell someone they're short are you?

J: Right.

K: The same for if they are tall, right.

J: Yeah, if you worry too much, you'll end up trying to censor words. Especially with younger people, like sometimes  you have to express things in abbreviated forms, and if they jump on this and say, 'you can't say that!', then the amount of expressions we have will shrink. Well, it is difficult.

K: Well, I mean there are lots of ???*4 with that type of person.

J: Well, its difficult  to know where to draw the line with this type of thing. But with regards to Black Lives Matter, it doesn't appear to have a lot to do with this country, but Black Lives Matter has been closed in on the event where a policeman kneeled on the neck of a black man and killed him. However, if you look at the broader scene, one of the policemen standing by and watching is thought to be a man of Asian descent. And the store that reported the black man who died was run by middle eastern descended people, so its certainly not an issue unrelated to Asia. Its often said that its an issue of only whites against blacks, but actually there are clearly people of Asian descent involved in this situation. On a global scale, there are a lot of issues which you cant simply separate into white against black. So i think we should get our imaginations working a bit more, and think about all the parties involved. It might be a bit hard to imagine living in this country, but we need to realise these are not just other peoples' affairs.

T: Its really imoprtant to try to imagine yourself in someone else's situation, isn't it?

J: I think it is really important. ...Kami?

Kami: Yes yes yes. Were you talking about Gone with the Wind?

J: Ah, you want to return to the topic of Gone with the Wind?

Kami: No, I just thought this was about Gone with the Wind. I have no interest in the movie Gone with the Wind, just the title puts me off. I wasn't really listening this time.

K: He hates this type of movie, right?

J: Yes, he hates it, haha. You don't like this type of thing much?

K: What type of movies do you like?

Kami: Anything, even banned movies.

T: Kami sometimes...

J: He's like Chabudai gaeshi!

T: He appears at times like this.

K: Well, Kami probably likes action movies or that type of thing.

J: Oh you like that type of thing? You don't care  if streaming of Gone with the Wind is stopped?

Kami: Yeh, if a big fuss is made when its stopped, then people will wonder what its all about and try to watch it won't they?

T: Ahh, I see.

J: Ah, on the other hand, yeh.

Kami: I won't watch it though.

K: He's really pressing that point. He won't let us forget.

J: Ahh, so thats that. It doesn't meet Kami's expectations.

K: Okay, well, lets end here. Please subscribe. Thank you very much.

J, T: Thank you.

*1, 2, 3, 4 Couldn't figure out these bits.

[dearericbittle]

Sterek masterpost

So, now that I’ve written 30 (!) Sterek fics, I figured it was about time that I made a masterpost of my stories. You can find the full list on my Tumblr as well!

Been here before and it just feels right (strangers tonight) - (T, 3.4k) Summary: Derek Hale was an awkward teenager, but he grew into himself. He grew out of that pulling pigtails phase. Shame that being reunited with his old crush brings it all back. Even worse: Stiles doesn’t even seem to recognize him. Or does he?

Better that I break the window (than miss what I should see) - (M, 9k) Summary: Someone opened Stiles’ window. But he’s all the way on the 7th floor - how the fuck did that happen? Spoiler alert: werewolves are real. And really hot.

Bring on the monsters (bring on the real world) - (E, 11.1k) Summary: He was supposed to be making an impression on Lydia, but instead he’s making fun of a terrible werewolf costume. To be fair, those mutton chops remind him of Michael J. Fox in the worst way, and the guy didn’t appear to be too offended. He was too busy smelling Stiles for some reason. He really shouldn’t have forgotten cologne.

but that’s just a first impression (I could be totally wrong) - (T, 2.9k) Summary: Derek is on a really awful blind date (Laura will pay for this). But the waiter is really cute.

The coolest wolf in the whole wide world - (T, 8.3k) Summary: Stiles is surprisingly good at being a wolf. Like, super good at control, loves the drama of making weird entrances, and determined to try all the things. Because he has to find out what’s different about being a wolf. And Derek is going to be his Yoda, whether he wants to or not. Only Stiles is pretty sure Yoda never smelled this good.

Detective Stiles Stilinski and the Case of Derek Hale’s Mysterious Mate - (T, 5.6k) Summary: Mates are a thing. A werewolf thing. Which is fine and shit, but finding out that Derek fucking Hale has a mate? That gets to him. And seeing as Derek won’t tell him who it is, well… Guess that means this is a job for Detective Stiles Stilinski - if he’s not too distracted by his traditional banter with Derek.

Everything mixed up (and baked in a beautiful pie) - (T, 6/6, 42k) Summary: Stiles’ friends are more of a pain in the ass than usual around the holiday season. Just because he spends all of his time at his bakery, doesn’t mean he’s unhappy. So hiring a fake boyfriend seems like the perfect, simple solution. Instead Stiles stumbles onto a stupid quest to make Derek Hale happy. But surely that will all work out in time.

Fit hot guys have problems too (don’t objectify us with your male and female gaze) - (T, 1.7k) Summary: To Cora, 1:24 AM: im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect?? Derek is tired of being objectified. Enter Stiles Stilinski, hot mess who has an opinion about everything. Derek is surprisingly intrigued.

Gymnophoria - (T, 0.9k) Summary: Stiles is paranoid - he keeps feeling someone’s eyes on him. Surprisingly, no nefarious plans happen.

He got lost in my DMs (wanna be way more than friends) - (T, 2.8k) Summary: Derek is somewhat of an online hero, providing candid pictures of himself to anyone who wants persistent suitors to just go away already. Stiles… is suddenly surrounded by assholes who apparently really want to hear about how great his fake boyfriend is. Part 1 of Slide into those DMs

Heard you were tough (but you don’t look it) - (T, 3.6k) Summary: Derek is a protective Alpha, and whenever he sees a human in danger, he has to step in. Usually people are grateful. This guy? Not so much. 3 times Derek saves that ungrateful magic user’s life, and 3 times the ungrateful asshole saved his in return

Here we are two strangers (with nothing but this little spark) - (T, 6k) Summary: Stiles is only at this masquerade party for revenge. Theo Raeken has taken everything from him, and this is the only way he can get close enough to ruin his fucking life. He gets sidetracked by a mysterious stranger who’s looking for revenge of his own. Maybe they can help each other…

I might never be (your knight in shining armor) - (T, 2.9k) Summary: So, in Stiles’ defence, he didn’t actually know that the woman harassing the dude-sel in distress was an actual witch. Or that the dude in question was an Alpha werewolf who claimed to be able to handle himself. Stiles agrees to disagree on that one.

I take this magnetic force of a man (to be my lover) - (T, 6k) Summary: Derek is pretty happy with the mate he’s somehow chosen, even though Stiles has no idea - and no interest in Derek. But that’s fine. Except Peter just has to open his big mouth, because he clearly wants to ruin Derek’s life. Part 2 of Laura Hale is the best Alpha

I’d be a fearless leader (I’d be an Alpha type) - (T, 7.8k) Summary: Most teenagers would run off if they found a bleeding half-wolf, half-lady with red eyes snarling at them. But Stiles’ fight or flight response has always been a little fucked, and Laura Hale looks like she could use a break. Part 1 of Laura Hale is the best Alpha

I’m gonna light a spark (gonna hold my breath until the morning) - (T, 2.5k) Summary: Derek hates the bus, hates how people use it as an excuse to sit close to him and bat their eyelashes at him. And then this stranger who smells like home just falls asleep on his lap.

Lie under different stars (I’ve not seen you in the flesh for so long) - (T, 3,4k) Summary: In which Laura Hale is a queen of holding on to childhood mementos and seeing things her brother won’t, and Derek Hale rediscovers his love of Mischief.

The man who’s gonna marry you (make you feel alive) - (T, 4.2k) Summary: Only Finstock could marry the wrong people. Only Greenberg could fill out the papers wrong, but Finstock didn’t even check. It was like he wanted Stiles to be married to Derek Hale. And no one would want that, except maybe… Stiles.

No more dark sad lonely (k)nights - (T, 2k) Summary: Derek is an Alpha without an emissary, so his nosy betas made sure he attended the convention. Stiles is clearly in the wrong convention hall, because his Batman cosplay does not appear to be going over well.

Old you in the garbage (new you in display case) - (T, 13.4k) Summary: Stiles is lonely and desperate and suffering from a crush on the grumpiest librarian. So what’s a boy to do but cook up a ridiculous plan to get himself dated and/or finally get laid before the holidays? He just wants his She’s All That moment, okay? He never expected that the plan would actually help him get the guy.

Real life isn’t a movie (life doesn’t make narrative sense) - (M, 11.6k) Summary: Somehow accidentally insulting a hot guy in a coffee shop leads to pretending to be his boyfriend in front of a house full of werewolves. Stiles Stilinski is living his best life and making the most of his Hallmark movie moment.

Shoot your shot when you see em (he’s already in my DMs) - (T, 3.9k) Summary: Derek may or may not be falling in love with one of Laura’s employees, and he’s only ever spoken to him on the phone. Stiles doesn’t even know his name! But apparently, he does know how to slide into his DMs. Part 2 of Slide into those DMs

Some Cupid kills with arrows (some with mistletoe) - (T, 9.5k) Summary: It’s the same thing every time. Derek Hale comes home, the town is in a snit, and Stiles Stilinski polishes his metaphorical armor and gets ready for a battle of wits. Not that he considers Derek’s comments particularly witty. Their friends are just tired of the sexual tension and the rampant egos, and they’re ready to do something about it.

Such great heights (corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces) - (T, 3.3k) Summary: In which everyone in the pack is together and alive, because fuck canon. In which Stiles is surprised that Derek’s super hearing fails him. He just wants to know how tall Derek is, why is that such a big deal?

Teach me how to thrive (i was a loser just like you) - (T, 4.9k) Summary: Scott was cool now - the Squip had made sure of that. Stiles? Not so cool. All he has left are his cryptic conversations with perpetually wasted Derek Hale as he desperately tries to get an evil computer chip from taking over Beacon Hills.

We were young once (innocent and fun once) - (T, 5,3k) Summary: So maybe making Lydia jealous is just an excuse for him to finally talk to Derek Hale - it’s been ten years and clearly that high school crush is not over. There’s just a lot more to Derek than he was expecting.

We’ll put on a show (Scotty has to know) - (T, 7.7k) Summary: Stiles is a stubborn asshole, determined to have fun in Europe even though Scott stays behind in Belgium because of a girl. So asking a stranger to make out with him for the ‘Gram? Totally the best decision he’s ever made, and not just because that’ll totally show Jackson (and Scott!). Shame he won’t see the guy again, though.

What it looks like to forget (it’s easier that way) - (T, 4.9k) Summary: He has no idea who he is, but the stranger with the whiskey eyes is calling him Derek. And the guy has been sitting at his bedside for three days, so he’s got some credit. Especially because the guy smells like he should be his - though that is a supremely weird thought that he probably needs to figure out first.

You want forgiveness (I’ll give that to you) - (T, 2.8k) Summary: Derek is running from the Alpha, suffering from wolfsbane poisoning and he’s clearly losing it. Why else would he be seeing his mother - and everyone else he might as well have killed himself. But Stiles can’t just let him get what he deserves. Stiles never leaves him behind, even when he should.

You’re moving me around you (I said darling hold me) - (T, 14,5k) Summary: Derek is the only beta in a pack of two, blaming himself for the loss of their entire family. When his sister pays someone to get him used to human contact again, Derek preps himself for a couple unwilling handshakes before he kicks the stranger out of his den. Stiles is… not what Derek expected.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Unexpected Arrival - 2

Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, Possible Steve x Reader

Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn't exciting enough.... an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.

When the team got back from their mission Natasha went straight to Y/N’s room to check on her. When she opened the door and found the bed empty she started to panic, she had told her to go see Bruce if she got any worse.

"F.R.I.D.A.Y where's Y/N?" Nat asked the A.I.

"Agent Y/L/N was taken to medical by Captain Rodgers and Mr Stark"

"Shit!" Nat cursed as she turned and started running towards the medical floor.

"Nat? Whats going on?" Bucky asked seeing her running towards him.

"Y/N was taken to medical! I knew there was something wrong with her before we left! I should've trusted my gut and taken her there myself!"

"Well lets go check on her then" he said getting into the elevator with Nat.

Nat rushed out of the elevator and saw Tony and Bruce standing at one of the doors looking in while they spoke quietly to eachother.

"Hey, what happened is she okay?" Nat asked quickly wanting answers.

"Shes fine, we handled the situation" Tony said truthfully "did you not get my message? I tried calling you"

"My phone got trashed in the fight...."

"Its been an interesting night lets just start there" Bruce said running a hand through his hair.

"Interesting is the biggest understatement of the year Banner! It was literally the shock of a lifetime!! Especially for that girl in there" Tony said pointing towards the room behind him.

"Does someone wanna tell me what the hell is going on??" Nat snapped.

"You should probably take a look for yourself.... you’d never believe me otherwise".

Natasha walked over quickly, as she looked into the room Y/N was sleeping soundly.... Steve was sat in the chair next to her..... with a baby??!!

"What the fuck...... she.... she was pregnant???" Nat said turning to face the men behind her.

"What??" Bucky asked walking over to see for himself.... when he saw Steve holding the tiny baby in a yellow blanket he turned to the others looking horrified.

"Yep, a healthy baby girl. Born at 04:34am weighing 5lb 9oz delivered by yours truly!" Tony said sounding pleased of himself.

"How is that possible..... theres no way...." Nat was saying quietly to no one in particular.

"If you’re this shocked, can you imagine how shes feeling?" Bruce said nodded towards the room.

"Is it Steve's?" Nat asked seeing him holding the tiny baby and smiling.

"They say its not, she wont tell us who the father is until shes had a chance to tell him first"

"So she didnt know she was pregnant?" Bucky asked from beside Nat, his eyes glued to the tiny baby in Steves arms.

"Not a clue. She thought she had bad stomach flu" Bruce answered looking over her chart.

"She had been sick, she told me she thought it was stomach flu before we left. This is huge!"

"No shit" Tony rolled his eyes "she's gonna be out for a while, you want me to call you when she wakes up?"

"Yeah that would be good" Nat nodded

"I'm gonna check in with Steve quickly and make sure he’s okay" Bucky said and walked toward the room.

"just keep it down i don't want her waking up yet, shes had a tough night"

"Sure" Bucky nodded and headed inside.

Steve looked up when he heard the door open and smiled at his best friend.

"Guess you guys heard about the unexpected visitor we had" Steve said looking down at the baby in his arms.

"Yeah.... they just told us.... a..are they both okay?"

"Yeah they’re both perfect. Y/N is wiped out but after what she went through i cant say i blame her. It was amazing Buck!"

"You were there?... for the birth?"

"Yeah she wouldn't let me leave" he chuckled "that woman has got one hell of a grip i tell ya! Nearly crushed my hands. And this little lady..... i cant stop staring at her Buck! Shes so tiny and perfect. Look!" Steve motioned for Bucky to come and take a closer look at the baby.

"Wow.... shes beautiful! Look at her tiny little hands...."

"She keeps making the cutest little cooing sounds i swear my heart is melting for this kid" Steve gushed as Bucky pulled up a seat "You wanna hold her?" Steve offered his friend.

"No.... no i might hurt her" he said looking down at his metal arm.

"You wont, it'll be fine. Besides i really need to go to the bathroom"

"Oh... Okay" he said letting out a shaky breath as Steve stood up and passed him the baby.

"You good?" Steve asked checking with Bucky before he left.

"Yeah.... i got her" he nodded settling the baby in his flesh arm.

"I'll be right back" Steve assured him before slipping out quietly.

The room was quiet as i slowly opened my eyes, i could already sense there was someone else in here with me but just assumed it was Steve still. When i turned to look i was shocked to see Bucky sitting in the chair holding the baby.

"Hey..... you’re back" i said quietly so i didn't surprise him.

"Hey, Yeah we got back about an hour ago" he replied with a small smile "you had a busy night huh?"

"You could say that" i said pulling myself up in the bed so i was sitting up against the pillows.

"She's perfect Y/N" Bucky stated looking down at the yellow bundle in his arms.

"Yeah she is" i agreed "Buck....she's yours" I added quickly, there was no easy way to tell him that he was a dad "you know that right?"

"I had a feeling she might be" he nodded slowly and gave me a smile. Bucky seemed surprisingly calm about the whole thing actually.

"I swear i had no idea i was pregnant! I would've told you if i did. Having this dropped on you is huge.... i mean we're not even together! It was a one time thing and now we're parents!" I rambled away nervously "i was still going on missions for christ sake!"

"Y/N you didn't know, of course you'd still go on missions"

"I don't expect you to be okay with this, i can do this on my own.... no one needs to know shes yours, if thats what you want?"

"Is that what you want?" Bucky asked looking at me with sad eyes.

"No! Of course i want you to be apart of her life.... she needs her dad too. Im not ashamed to tell people she's yours Buck" i added knowing that was what he was really asking. He was asking if i was embarrassed about people finding out i had slept with him "but if you’re not ready for this i completely understand, i wont pressure you into it".

"Hey, you’re awake" Steve said smiling as he walked back into the room again interrupting whatever conversation i was having with Bucky.

"Yeah" i nodded with a quick smile before looking over at Bucky holding our daughter.....It really was a beautiful sight, he was being so careful with her. Steve must have noticed something in the way i looked at Bucky and Bucky was looking at his daughter because he suddenly let out an "oh my god....".

Bucky and i both looked up at him with wide eyes "what?" We said in unison waiting for Steve to tell us what was wrong.

"Is.... is she...." he pointed at Bucky and looked at you for confirmation.

"Yeah, she's Bucky's" i confirmed casually trying my best to act like this wasn't a huge deal.

"I didn't even know you two were a thing.....you never said anything Buck?"

"We're not together Steve thats why he never said anything" i said to save Bucky having to explain to his friend.

"So it was just a one time thing?"

"Yeah" i said with a shrug, i was trying my hardest to kept my shit together and keep calm. Keep my heart from trying to explode from my chest, i was pretty sure the two super soldiers could hear my heart racing though.

"Hey Steve, could you ask Nat to bring me a change of clothes down i really need to take a shower i feel disgusting" i said changing the subject before it became any more awkward.

"Sure, i know shes waiting to see you and meet this one here" he nodded to the baby in Bucky's arms "speaking of.... shes gonna need a name, have you thought about it yet?"

"Not yet, i don't want to rush into it and regret it. Parents normally have 9 months to decide on a name not 9 hours"

"Fair point" Steve chuckled "i'll go get Nat for you".

"Thanks.....hey Steve?" i called getting his attention as he reached the door.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for being there for me today, it means a lot"

"Of course" he blushed before leaving me alone with Bucky and our daughter.

"I wish i could've been there" he said quietly "I'm sorry doll".

"Its fine, we didn't know what was going to happen Buck".

He nodded slowly but looked kinda sad that he had missed it, or maybe it was because Steve had been there and not him.

"I should go and let you get some rest"

"You can stay, you can watch her while i take a shower if you want?"

"You don't mind? You trust me with her?"

"Of course i do! Buck you’re her dad you’re not going to let anything happen to her".

"Id die before i let anything happen to her" he stated staring lovingly at her.

"See" i said with a chuckle "ive got nothing to worry about. Well almost nothing"

"What do you mean?"

"I have nothing for her, no clothes, diapers....no nursery. All i can do is feed her right now. Tony said he'll take care of it all but i feel bad leaving it all to him"

"He’s probably enjoying it doll you know what he’s like"

"Yeah i know, i just wish i had had time to do all that stuff myself"

"You would've kept her then? If you had found out you were pregnant?"

"I would" i nodded happily and truthfully.

A knock on the door pulled my attention and i turned to see Nat making her way in with a bag.

"Hey sweetheart, i leave you alone for a couple of hours and you go and have a baby?"

"Yeah sorry about that, who knew?" I laughed as she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight squeeze.

"Let me see!" She cooed as she walked over to Bucky to get a good look at the tiny bundle in his arms.

"Oh my god shes so precious! Absolute perfection. Y/N.... Can i hold her?"

Bucky looked like he didn't want to part with her but eventually handed her over to Nat gently.

"Hey I'm your auntie Nat. Uncle Bucky doesnt get to hog all the cuddles does he" she said rocking the baby gently.

"Erm about that Nat..... its not Uncle Buck.... she's his daughter"

Nat looked up at me with wide eyes and then looked at Bucky "what?? When did that happen??!" She said loudly causing the baby to stir slightly "shhhh im sorry baby girl go back to sleep" she said quietly.

"I'll give you two a few minutes to talk, i'll come back to watch our girl while you take your shower"

"Thanks Buck" i smiled and watched him leave the room.

"Sooooo, spill! You never told me you and Barnes were a thing!"

"We're not a thing, it was just the once"

"When?? You didn't even tell me you two slept together! We're supposed to be best friends!"

"You remember that mission we went on, the one where we had to stay at that safe house for the night to make sure they weren't tailing us?"

"Alaska?"

"Yep that would be the one. We were both beat up and were helping each other clean up.... one thing led to another and here we are" i said pointing to my baby daughter in Nat's arms.

"And it was just a one time thing...."

"Yeah, it never happened again. He acted like nothing had happened the morning after so i didn't make a big deal about it. We just carried on as normal" i shrugged.

"Did you want things to change? With you and Bucky i mean"

"Honestly? I was hoping it would" i finally admitted "i had liked him for ages Nat and when we finally.... i thought maybe he felt the same way. But clearly i was wrong"

"Y/N..... you should tell him! You guys have a daughter now"

"Thats not gonna make him suddenly want me Nat" i laughed "it doesn't matter anyway, I've already accepted that we'll only ever be friends" i said as i slowly climbed out of bed to grab the bag that Nat had brought with her.

"Hey be careful!" She said taking a few steps towards me.

"Im fine Nat just a bit sore, i can get out of Bed by myself" i told her as the door opened and Bucky came walking back in.

"take it easy doll, should you even be up and about yet?"

"Guys I'm fine, really" i tried to tell them "i just need a shower"

"Okay, Buck you wanna take your girl and i'll get momma to the shower" Nat said handing over the baby, he soon had his daughter settled against his chest and took a seat again.

"You’re a natural Barnes" Nat said sounding surprised walking over to me and taking the bag "lets go get you cleaned up".

"I wont be long Buck, you okay with her?" I asked wanting to make sure he felt comfortable being left alone.

"We're good, go take care of yourself. We'll be waiting for you when you get back" he smiled.

[rogerrachel1995]

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How To Prevent Your Parents From Getting A Divorce

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How Can I Save My Relationship With My Boyfriend

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reuenthals replied to your post: reuenthals replied to your post: ...

in the folder re: konhiji like we’re not told how old toshi was when he met kondo but probably a teenager considerin sougo was 6-8 so i always thought toshi’d place kondo in a place similar to tamegoro but misunderstand those feelins as smth else bc he’s just a baby + kondou’s the first to show him real (or any) affection outside tamegoro n not fear or resent him in any way but actually want to help him (he later in life realizes hed just misplaced/misunderstood their 

nature). from that same era, i think his feelins for mitsuba would fit a similar narrative as in bc of circumstances she HAD to be the woman he loved bc all men must love a woman plus she had feelins for him (tho tbh i also dont think hers were any different from the familial love she had for kondou and it was also a matter of circumstance but thats another matter) so it was a done deal but still easy to leave behind for a new life n have as backup/excuse for any other

woman hed meet or more like a shield from havin to open up w/unravel to any feelins of love of a non familial nature for anyone. his take on love is rly naive n pure (contrasted to ofc my baby whos smart n no fool) bc it also serves as shield n hes also said to be unable to relate/open up to women multiple times but is defenseless towards men (n sorachi loves that trope esp w toshi n gin chan in which theyre ‘men that are more attractive to other men than women’) which

i think is why hes so well defenseless towards gin chan durin their duel in the rooftops like for gin chan thats just a ‘crazy cop attacked me again’ moment but for toshi it like shakes the foundations of his whole bein he like lies there all wistful like wtf…..im gay? no… w a blossomin crush that only gets worse the more he interacts w gin chan (cant blame him tho gin chan is an angel) but like the way hes constructed specifically as an archetype hes too set in

performin masculinity (kyuchan says this but he also says this abt himself also multiple times) n sorachi is aware to an extent (plus hes drawin from men who were practicin mlm themselves) what this trope entails wrt sexuality n its expressions like for toshi its comfortable not to think abt love or any of that bc he has a goal n the excuse of a dead woman but its impossible to read him as anythin but not straight no matter the degree to which he is aware of it (which

tbh i think its a lot more than what ppl in fandom give him credit for) i have more detailed backed up analysis of this somewhere but i cant find them but basically at the end of the day i think toshi meetin kondo n at least havin some mixed up feelins abt what he feels towards him that hes able to resolve as bein brotherly later on in life set the path for him realizin he can love other men not in a brotherly way n in the way he (as a man) is supposed to love women

wow long but yes like toshi’s archetype in other manga/literature is easily read n can be coded as mlm/gay n is often the case but his issues run too deep for him to even consider that part seriously (at least tbh until 551 maybe baragaki but i dont think that early) so he has to suffer for it he deserves the worst the only reason gh is okay is bc he provides economically for gin chan n would be willin to pay any outstandin debts as shown in the soul switch arc. the end

i feel like this was just a sneak peek into that folder, but I loved it 200%! it’s super hard for me to reply without going into my own headcanons about gh and how they relate to one another, cause the way toshi relates to gin is so different from kondo in my perspective; in fact, it’s why i can’t get romantic konhiji at all, though i admit you make a fair point when u address the transition of toshi’s “most important person” from tamegoro to kondo (at that young age mixed feelings would be acceptable) plus, i always saw kondo as the character that ‘saved’ toshi, while gin was the one that ‘healed’ him. ofc both relationships go way beyond these dynamics, but without any actual canon romantic proof it’s difficult to postulate from toshi’s limited pov. 

so, while the shinsengumi became his substitute family and kondo tamegoro’s substitute (the family core), it’s a given that toshi perceives this love as unconditional, would-die-for etc. however, it would be interesting to explore his feelings for kondo back then in relation to mitsuba; like in an effort to answer the love of a woman (as you so brilliantly put, that in those circumstances toshi HAD to love a woman) he tried to shift his romantic feelings/attraction to kondo’s masculine figure to her ? (IM ONLY  REALIZING NOW THAT THIS WAS PROBABLY WHAT YOU MEANT BEFORE? IM SORRY) tho i don’t agree that mitsuba’s love for him was familial cause ponytail toshi, mack, like pls, she had to be blind ???

then we come to ginchan, whose whole relationship with toshi is based, imo, in the fact that they not only see a part of themselves in each other (the guilty, self-hating, rebel part) but that in seeing it they understand themselves better and are able to open up, share their experiences and encourage one another; not to mention protect what’s dear to them. aka they love each other. there is literally no other explanation for ginchan waiting in the rain for toshi so they could go out for a meal? i mean, sakata gintoki sat in the rain, under his umbrella, looking all complacent & shit. ALRIGHT. 

btw i bolded some of your bits cause i rly relate to them in the way i see toshi, especially the ones about him putting up a shield. toshi has always had problems dealing with his feelings, even before we knew of his past with his brother (which for continuity’s sake was probably what triggered him to bottle  everything up), he had always been written/regarded as a cold, level-headed character who doesn’t let emotions get the best of him. his rank in the shinsengumi further emphasizing this (and his otaku persona as well). so, without disregarding ginchan’s merits, i think that kondo’s influence (and even mitsuba’s to some extent) may have contributed to lowering toshi’s shield enough that he was able to give himself a chance to connect with someone outside his comfort zone/past. the fact that that person happened to be a man only makes more sense given his background and the hints that tell us he was never able to relate to women or feel like he could make them happy. it’s Tough on my heart to say that ginchan is basically ideal because, even though he is the mc, it’s like he was made to play that role in toshi’s life. he doesn’t bring all the answers but rather more questions cause there’s no way toshi can be confused now because his attraction to ginchan cant be excused with the role of ‘brother’ or ‘fated woman he was supposed to love’, gh bond is their own, their closeness in canon SHOULD raise suspicion cause it sure doesn’t seem straight.

well, i digressed WAY more than i should, but yeah that’s it, kudos on that folder.