#i mean my wife & partner obviously but they are directly in the issues with me

[1ight]

even tho i know its silly, it FEELS like there is nobody i can even TALK to without invoking some kind of judgement , however private, whatever our relationship. once again i miss my therapist lol… she would give me solid life advice

god it feels so fuxking deeply scathingly embarrassign to be me these last 6 months, despite rationally kmowing better… idk tho everything just keeps getting harder to combat or recovery-mindset myself out of, & meanwhile, the hole that is sucking my life towards hell just keeps revealing itself to be deeper & deeper

[karenandhenwilson]

Hello! The henchim info is from a cut scene - we know about it because Aisha posted a video of Oliver helping her run lines for it. So up to us if it's canon but it's very sweet. It's on 911bts I think

It is on 911bts here on tumblr, thank you for pointing me in the right direction! I didn't watch it the first time I saw it because the tone is really off for me which made it difficult to follow, but I did so now. As you answered in my inbox, I'll just dive deep into my own opinion about this (which I wouldn't have done in your post and tried not to do too much in my repost earlier). And that's everyone's warning to back off if you don't want to read a not-so-excited opinion about the issue of Chimney, Hen, and Karen in 8x05.

First of all, for everyone who can't deal with the tone quality of the video either: Hen goes to Bobby after the pumpkin head call, they seem to be in the firehouse. Bobby tells Hen he is working on shift schedules but that she should sit down and talk with him about why she came to him. Hen then tells Bobby that she wants to ask for a shift off, not for herself but for Chimney. Because she heard Chimney tell the guy with the head in the pumpkin how sad he was to miss Jee's first Halloween. Bobby tells her he can't do that because there can't be two people short on the shift. Hen asks about Buck, and Bobby explains, that no Buck will be back. But Chimney already asked for a shift off. On Hen's behalf, so she could spend Halloween with Mara. That's where it ends.

Let's look at this scene isolated from the rest of the episode: I agree, it says a lot about the friendship between Hen and Chimney. Shows us once more how deep this friendship is and how much they care for each other.

Now, let's consider where this is placed in the episode: It's after the pumpkin head call. So we already had the early Halloween party at the Wilson's house. Bobby already knows Buck will be back for the next shift, so it's also after the hospital scene with Buck, Eddie, and Tommy. It's, obviously, before Hen tells Karen no one is taking off for the shift. So, somewhere between this scene and Hen coming home, Chimney and Hen talk with each other about it and consequently decide "If not both of us can win, our whole family is going to lose. We aren't the ones who have to suffer the most under it anyway". (And also, later Bobby just accepted them both pulling the request back instead of ordering Hen to stop being an idiot and be with her family.)

Some people might tell me it's kind of hard and overexaggerated to say it in this way. I don't agree with those people and I hope they treat their partners better than Hen treats Karen here.

Because in this very moment when Hen and Chimney decide to both go to work the next shift, Hen is a horrible wife to Karen. She had a chance to be off of work, Bobby was already doing the work to make it possible! And Karen had voiced her desire to have that for once (I detailed here why I don't think it comes as out of left field as most people somehow claim it does). And Hen decided "Between the comfort of my wife, the memories my children will make (one of whom hasn't been with the family for any holiday before) and the comfort of my best friend (who incidentally already offered for me to be off work for that shift and was okay with it!), the most import thing for me is the comfort of my best friend."

How can anyone claim that's not absolutely horrible behavior? (I mean, of course, except for those people who clearly don't care for Henren at all. And I know, that's mostly all of fandom. Yes, this hiatus has made me very bitter about that and these words aren't aimed directly at the person whose ask I'm answering here but really at the general fandom.)

It's not the first time that Hen put her friendship with Chimney above her family. She did so in season 5, too, when she offered to go with Chimney to chase after Maddie without even thinking for a moment about her wive or her son. (And with the way Chimney's car was packed, it was very clear he intended to stay away for a long time.)

It made me furious at Hen back then, and it's making me furious at Hen now again. It's just one more thing I'll have to ignore about Hen's behavior and I will headcanon that Hen took the chance and was with her family instead of declining the offer of the free day. Because I refuse to give up on Henren, no matter how often the show tries to ruin them for the drama's sake.

[ginger-snaps014]

THIS!!!

The amount of times I’ve had to says to my friend that grew up in religious purity culture BS the following (usually in this order):

(1) to stop comparing yourself to me. I am grey and find very few people attractive (2-4 people on average per year, including celebrities, influencers, people in my life, strangers on the street, a-holes who are undateable, people who are already in a relationship, people who live far away, models, people I will never meet in real life and have no chance with, etc.). The idea of sleeping with someone I am not attracted to literally makes me nauseous. You seen the face when I have to try and picture that. I have slept with fewer people, not because I’m pure - but because people tend to be repulsive to me. The is NO temptation the majority of the time. My body says no for me. Not my goodness; therefore my number doesn’t make me good or better. Just working with different circumstances.

(2) Being sexual and having sex is not bad or immoral. It’s a natural biological response. So long as you do so safely with a partner who is not detrimental to your mental health, you should not care about numbers. You are human. You have needs. You should not be punishing yourself for that. Do not punish your humanity;

(3) Anytime your mom sends you purity culture crap remember: (i) you are a human with intrinsic value, (ii) you are not not a car, lawn, flower or other object that loses value with time or use. Treating women like objects is misogynistic; (iii) human value does not change; (iv) every one of those purity metaphors never puts any responsibility on the man (friend is straight). He is equally participating. If his value does not change for participating, why would yours? Because of your gender? That’s sexist; (v) A lot of these metaphors going even further saying the man will do anything for sex, and if you let him you are bad. Anything includes rape. We do not victim blame here. Failing to dress modestly, does not mean your rapist gets off scot free. Purity culture directly plays into rape culture; and (vi) Also, men are evolved people with souls and morals. Treating men like unhinged animals is rude and demeaning towards men. Purity culture is therefore also misandrist in addition to misogynistic

(4) So what is the point of purity culture? To shame. What is the shamed used for? Control of people’s actions. Who is primarily being shamed? Women. Who is purity culture trying to control? Women. Do you want a misogynist, misandrist mindset used to prop up rape culture to control you and make you feel bad for acting human in your 30s?

(5) My friend will usually point out at some point that bunch of good Christian guys will like me more for my number. As if that is my defining point- instead of my identity. I point out that if a guy wants a pious wife, then he should want someone saying no to that which he considers temptation. I have no temptation, and therefore do not count as pious. If he wants a girl with a similar moral outlook, I’m a horrible pick. I obviously do NOT support purity culture. If he is just a self-conscious loser who wants a wife who has a low number (i) so she doesn’t know the difference between good and bad sex. And by default won’t know he is terrible; or (ii) so he knows she is more malleable (controllable) to follow his stupid rules (even ones that shame her humanity), then he sucks. I don’t want him. And I’m a stubborn bitch. So still a bad pick. Also, why are you acting like having that type of loser attracted to you is a good thing?? That’s bad. I don’t want them.

(5) I have whole different set of issues. I’m self conscious because the guys I go on dates with often want and expect something I can’t give (without throwing up). I am constantly worried about finding a guy who will wait because that’s not common anymore. I question whether I am a tease. Because I go on a third date with someone I could grow to be attracted to and he is giving me that look. But this is literally the 3rd time I’ve seen this guy in my life, and I’m not there. I’m fighting the conditioning that media gave me which said girls are manipulative and cruel if they don’t give the boy what he wants. My brain knows they aren’t entitled. But I still feel guilty for denying them. Self conscious for being different. Like a lier because I’m not what they expect. Even though I’ve promised nothing. You and I are different, but we all have issues in our heads. But we have to remember to separate truth from the bad things we were taught. And hope eventually our emotions will catch up

6. We are human. We do the best we can with what the world gave us. Stop being hard on yourself. So long as you don’t harm yourself or others, listen to your heart. Give yourself grace. Don’t let anyone make you less because you don’t “perform” live and dating the way they want. It’s your life. Not theirs.

I would be so rich if every time I had this conversation I was paid a dollar.

Religious people: NO SEX

Asexual people: okay

Religious people: NONONO you still need to WANT to have sex but you cant have cuz’ if you do you’ll go to hell you also cant have to much but also to little and blah blah blah blah

Asexual people: … *sits down and pulls out a book waiting for them to finish*

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Sen Cal Kapimi Theories

I have a new show that I’ve become obsessed with. It’s a turkish show called Sen Cal Kapimi and its the first turkish show I have ever watched, its amazing and I’m totally in love with it, I am particularly obsessed with the main couple Edser, their chemistry is off the charts. I am finally all caught up and now my inner detective has been awakened which means I am aflood with theories for the next episode. Obviously there are spoilers for anyone who isn’t caught up and for the fragmans that have come out so if you want to go into episode 21 completely spoiler free skip over this post. The rest is under the tag. 

Ok so I’m first gonna talk about the emoji’s  Neslihan (serkan’s mother Aydan) posted when a fan asked if she could give a hint as alot of my theories are based on them.

So the first one of the ring crossed out I think could be to do with the scene in fragmen 1 where it looks like serkan and aydan have come to ask for Eda’s hand. I actually don’t think this is what happens and that Melo misunderstood which is why she looks sad during the group photo and does a side look over at eda and serkan. I think she’s disappointed that they are not getting engaged. I actually think that they are there because of the school project they were involved in and that’s why the photographer is there. Aydan could actually be there to ask if Ayfer is willing to do an interview to do with the cakes she made for the foundation. Part of the reason why I think that is because in some of the shots in the fragman Fifi is in the background so we know she’s at eda’s house yet she’s not in the group picture, everyone in the picture is either related to art life or to the commitee. I think Fifi isn’t in the picture because although she helped out she’s not directly involved in either. The other explanation is that Fifi leaves before the picture is taken. But this is my best theory for what is going on in this scene. They’ll be a string of hilarious misunderstandings and it’ll be revealed this isn’t an engagement request thus the crossed out ring. However there is a snag in my theory which is Aydan’s line of ‘with god’s will, for my son.’ This apparently is part of a phrase said when asking for a woman’s hand and is unique to that situation it’s something like ‘with god’s will, for my son I ask for your daughter’s hand.’ Now I’m not turkish so I can’t say for sure. But another snag is if you look at this low quality screenshot I took from the fragman.

You can see that Melo is holding a gift and some flowers, there also appears to be more gifts on the table. From what I understand from my research into turkish engagement traditions traditionally the groom and his family will bring flowers and chocolates when asking for a bride’s hand and well that wrapped gift does look like it could be chocolates. As for the other gifts on the table there is also a tradition where the mother of the groom will buy gifts for the bride usually jewellery, a necklace, bracelet and earrings. Other famuly members also present gifts. However from what I can tell from the research these are usually given at the engagement party not when asking for the bride’s hand. 

Another thing that might suggest this is them asking for Eda’s hand is Eda announcing she’ll make the coffee. This is another tradition that goes with this ceremony of asking for the bride’s hand. The bride will make the coffee to show she’ll make a good wife and she’ll put salt in the groom’s coffee, if the groom drinks it all without showing disgust this shows that he has patience for difficult times ahead. So another theory could be that they are there to ask for Eda’s hand but that its a show for the papparazzi. Of course there is a slim chance that its all real but its a very slim chance in my opinion. 

Which brings me back to the emoji and another theory because if it turns out that it’s not a misunderstanding then what else could the emoji mean. Well another theory I have is it could be in relation to Erdem and Fifi. Maybe Fifi confronts Erdem about his engagement to Layla and he admits that they aren’t really engaged and that he did it to try and make Fifi jealous. 

My third theory for this emoji is it could be that Engin formally asks Piril to marry him and she says no. I hope its not that one personally I’d rather see Engin and Piril’s realtionship move forward and become stronger.      

So moving on, the second emoji I think is in relation to Aydan. In the last couple of episodes she has been campaigning, I spose you could call it, to become the new head of the committee. I think in this episode that will happen and she’ll win the vote to become the new leader. I also think its possible she will get it with help from eda and Ayfer and that could be another theory on why in the fragman serkan says to Aydan ‘because you will ask for it.’ I actually think she’ll be asking for a favour from Ayfer and serkan is making it clear to Aydan that if she want’s Ayfer’s help that she has to ask for it herself. 

So the third emoji is because I think it might be Eda’s birthday in this episode. This could be another explanation for the gifts on the table in the screenshot above. Maybe these aren’t gifts for an engagement but for Eda’s birthday. This could also be part of the misunderstanding. Melo thinks the chocolates and flowers and other gifts are because of the intent to ask for Eda’s hand when actually they are birthday gifts. Possibly? Either way this emoji obviously indicates a party or celebration of some kind. If its not Eda’s or someone else’s birthday maybe its a party to celebrate Aydan becoming head of the committee. 

In the second fragmen it is shown that Serkan is helping Eda with her claustophobia. I think this could give us a clue to the fourth emoji. I think Serkan will also help Eda with the falling alseep when stressed issue she has. Earlier in the season serkan said that he and eda would do sports together and Eda said she wanted to do horse riding and boxing. I think we are going to see them go horse riding together. The other thing it could be is to do with that story Serkan told Eda about the horse that doesn’t have a name. Maybe he finally is able to ride the horse or maybe its a combination of the two. Maybe the horse does allow herself to be ridden but by Eda when she and Serkan go for their horse ride. After Serkan lets Eda name the horse. 

The next emoji is an engagement ring. Again I have a couple of theories on this, obviously I’m really hoping that its a case of Eda and Serkan reconcile and decide that after everything they’ve gone through they want to really get engaged. I’m not sure how likely this is though. I don’t think its impossible. I know alot of people feel like its too fast after Eda discovering the truth for them to reconcile, but the way I see it Eda and Serkan have been separated for a while now, we’ve been waiting for a reconciliation for a while now. I also feel like they made alot of progress towards Eda forgiving Serkan in ep 20, Eda wouldn’t have gone to the restaurant if she was unwilling to forgive him. I know the ending of ep 20 complicates things because now they both believe the other one didn’t show up. But I think this will be solved fairly quickly and I can see a scenario where Eda and Serkan realise that while there are things they need to work on in their relationship alot of the problems they are having is because of the actions of others. They could decide to throw caution to the wind and just get engaged and decide to give their relationship a real chance. 

The other scenario is that it could be that Engin will propose to Piril. I  think this one could be possible but at the same time I feel like they didn’t really address the issues Engin and Piril were having moving in together and clashing. So unless they bring that up earlier in the episode and then they get engaged towards the end I’m not sure how likely an engagement would be. It could also be that they resolved those issues offscreen, Piril did say that they would talk about it but we never saw the conversation and they’ve been shown as seemingly happy in their relationship since. 

The last emoji in my opinion looks a lot like the new cast member they’ve just announced. I think the characters name will be Balca and the actress is called Ilayda Cevik. I reckon she will show up at the end of the episode as the cliff hanger. As for who this character might be there are again a couple of theories. She could be the Efe’s secret client or partner. However I, like a lot of people, feel like the client/ partner Efe was talking about is Eda’s grandma this actress is far too young to be anyone’s grandma. It could be this character is working on behalf of the grandma because the grandma isn’t yet ready to reveal her involvement to Eda. But I have another theory. 

In this screenshot from the second fragman we can see that Seline appears to have packed up her desk and is writing a letter to Serkan. I think Seline is gonna be hit hard by her conscience and realise that because of her jealousy she’s become someone she doesn’t like. As a result she will write a letter to Serkan handing in her resignation and confessing to switching the restaurant addresses. Now I don’t think that she’s going to be leaving the show, its possible she might be gone for a couple of episodes, maybe she goes on vacation to clear her thoughts and regather herself. But I do think she will still be involved in the plot in some way though at this point I can’t say for sure exactly in what capacity she will be involved. But if my theory is right and Seline is leaving the holding then they are going to need a new PR representative. I think this will be the role of that new character. No doubt the new character will stir up all kinds of drama but whether she is good or bad remains to be seen.  

Ok so moving on from the emojis I do have some other theories. In the second fragman there is a scene where Serkan is telling Eda not to go. Which begs the question of where is it exactly Eda is thinking about going? Is it just a case of now that Efe is leaving she’s leaving Art Life? Or could it be that Efe offers for Eda to come to Italy with him? I have a theory that the Grandma is planning something nefarious behind the scenes and that she will show up soon but that she might want to get Eda out of the way so to speak first. Or more out of the firing line. She might be worried that if Eda is still there when grandma arrives then Eda will act against her and basically cause problems in Grannies revenge plan so she tells Efe to convince Eda to go to Italy with him. Obviously Serkan is defo not going to want Eda to leave with Efe so he is trying to convince her to stay.  

Something else to note is that Serkan says ‘I missed you’ this could possibly indicate that Serkan fails to convince Eda to stay and she does leave for some period of time. Maybe we’ll even get a little time jump if it is a case of she goes to Italy. Or if its a case of she’s just leaving the holding maybe its been a few days since he has seen her. This could be supported by the fact that Eda seems to be organising flowers and they seem to be at the flower shop, so maybe she leaves the holding and takes over the flower shop so Ayfer can focus more on her cooking/ Star Garden. 

But here’s my favourite theory as to why he might have said he missed her. Eda is very smiley in this scene and Serkan is looking at her pretty intensely. It could be that by this point they have already made up and Serkan means he’s missed her more in an emotional sense, more of a I’ve missed being with you, I’ve missed us, as oppose to I haven’t seen you in while so I’ve missed you if that makes sense. 

Ok so the main thing I think everyone is excited about is that elevator scene, the big debate, will they kiss, won’t they kiss? Will those stupid doors open before we get a kiss? Will they kiss but all the lights go out in the elevator so we don’t see anything? Well I’ve got my clown nose and wig nearby ready and waiting just in case but I’m actually going to be positive and say that not only do I think they will kiss but that I think they would have already got back together by this point in the episode. Yeah I know defo could be totally wrong about it but I don’t know, something about the way he is saying ‘remember us’ in an attempt to get her to calm down I just don’t think he would be saying that if they were still at odds with each other. I mean she’s in a stressful situation where she is trying to conquer her fear of enclosed spaces. If they haven’t worked things out and he’s still trying to win her back then saying something like ‘remember us, be calm’ isn’t going to go over well and won’t exactly help her feel calm. I mean it would be the equivalent of him saying hey remember how I lied to you and how you don’t trust me anymore, by the way stay calm. Because if they haven’t made up then that’s what is going to come to her mind when she remembers them, how he hurt her. Of course all of this is just my opinion but to me the only way that statement makes sense in that situation is if they have already reconciled. 

I have seen some theories on facebook that Serkan will kiss Eda but then she will slap him. This, from what I can gather, comes from Kerem saying that Eda slaps Serkan in the next episode. I do think it’s possible especially if they haven’t made up yet.  But I have my own theory on when and why I think Eda will slap Serkan. I actually think it will happen way before this moment. In my opinion it’ll be the first time she sees him after the dinner fiasco. I mean Eda has got to be soo frustrated at this point. I mean he spends the entire day being really attentive to her making it clear that he wants to get back with her, telling her she’s beautiful, that he loves her, he even invites her to dinner, it would have taken a huge leap of trust for Eda to go and meet him and then (as far as she knows) he stands her up. I could legit see her just storming into the office the next day and slapping him across the face before going off on a rant about how he is so unbalanced and announcing that she’s leaving which will lead into the scene where he asks her to stay. 

So another theory I have is that Aydan will go and stay with Ayfer for a while. 

In this scene we can see Aydan, Seyfi and Ayfer at Ayfer’s house and they’ve got suitcases with them. Aydan also looks like she is breathing a huge sigh of relief like all the tension is leaving her. I think poor Aydan is not going to deal well with being at home alone without Serkan and Alptekin, especially after Alptekin cheated on her. Don’t know about you but I’m not sure I would want to stay in the same house that I shared with my cheating husband, especially when I have no one else to stay there for. Ayfer is the kind of  woman who would help another out in this situation so I feel like she wouldn’t refuse Aydan.  

I also think we are going to get some really great bonding scenes between Aydan and Ayfer and I also feel like they could be quite comical moments. 

I mean look at these beautiful scenes. I do however think that Aydan has another motive for going to stay with Ayfer. We know that Aydan wants Serkan and Eda together. When you think about what obstacles lie in their way you’ve got the misunderstanding about the restaurant and everything around Eda’s parents deaths. There’s not much Aydan can do about those its up to Serkan and Eda to resolve them together. However another obstacle is Ayfer who is very mistrustful of Serkan now. Eda even says as much in the first fragman. I think Aydan is going to work on trying to mend Ayfer’s opinion of Serkan and help reassure her that Serkan loves Eda and doesn’t want to hurt her. She might even try and convice her to help get them back together.

Now in regards to the top picture of them in the kitchen together I think this scene could go one of two ways. It could be a very wholesome scene of them bonding while baking or cooking together. Or it could be that Ayfer has caught on that Aydan is up to something and is trying to use her hypnotising powers to get information out of Aydan. Either way I think it’s going to be full of laughs and I can’t wait to see these ladies bonding together. 

Well that’s all the theories I’ve got at the moment. Can’t wait until Saturday. I might have some more theories when the summary and emoji’s come out. What do you guys think? Any theories?   

[sambergscott]

i’m gomez you’re morticia i feel so happy when i’m witcha (the addams family wedding rap origin story)

written for @outofinspo for the @b99fandomevents Fall 2019 Fic Exchange. you gave me the prompt of a couple’s halloween costume and this is not... quite that but still i hope you enjoy :)

also shoutout to @amyscascadingtabs for helping me!! 

(set a few months after Amy joins the nine-nine)

Jake prides himself on being the self-confessed best detective in the Nine-Nine. His arrest numbers are off the charts. He holds the precinct record for quickest time to get a signed confession out of someone. And just last week he beat Rosa at an intense final showdown of rollerchair derby. Yet for some reason he can’t figure out what Santiago is planning on wearing to Boyle’s Halloween party.

T-minus two hours to go and it’s driving him a little crazy.

“Sexy librarian?” He guesses, scrolling through a Google Image search of ladies Halloween costumes. “Sexy superhero? Sexy zombie cheerleader?”

She rolls her eyes. “Not every Halloween costume has to be sexy, Peralta.”

“The good ones do,” he says with a wink.

“Gross.” She throws her pen at him.

“I guess your costume is just gonna be super lame, Santiago,” he goads, knowing it will get a reaction out of her. She’s so competitive, it’s practically in her DNA to rise to a challenge.

“Your costume will be the costume that is lame,” she fires back. So predictable. And so adorable.

“Sick burn,” he teases. “Anyway my costume is dope.”

“Are you going as yourself? Because that’s terrifying.”

“Ha-ha,” he deadpans, throwing back her pen. He misses her head by a inch. “I’ll have you know, detective, I’m going as a super awesome movie character that you’ll never be able to guess-.”

Right off of the bat, she says John McClane.

Which, to be fair, is a pretty good shout. He has mentioned John McClane being his hero pretty much every day since the day they met. But, alas, he went as John McClane last year. And Jake Peralta is no outfit repeater. Not on Halloween. 

“007?”

“Nope.” He grins. “Last guess.”

She drums her fingers on her desk and bites her lip as she flicks through a mental rolodex of iconic movie characters. It’s kind of distracting how hot she looks biting her lip like that and he’s totally not listening when she speaks again. She rounds their desks and has to wave her hand directly in front of his face to snap him out of it.

“Sorry.” He blushes wildly. He’s been having a lot of those thoughts lately. About how pretty her hair looks when she wears it down. About how good she looks when she wears semi-decent clothes to Shaw’s instead of her usual grey pantsuits. About how much he loves making her laugh. Sometimes he thinks he’s developing a crush on her but then he remembers she’s his annoying, nerdy partner and thoroughly quashes any thoughts of liking her romantic-stylez. “What were you saying?”

“Superman,” she responds. “My final guess is Superman.”

He makes a loud buzzer noise. “While I am thrilled that you think I could save the planet, detective, you are incorrect. Again. I thought you were supposed to be the smart out of the two of us!”

“I am smart.”

“Not smart enough,” he retorts. “Clearly.”

“Hey, it’s hard! You like a lot of movies! And, besides, you’ve been guessing all morning and you’ve still yet to get mine.” She smiles smugly, folding her arms across her chest.

“OK,” he responds, rubbing his hands together eagerly. “Gimme another clue.”

“I am also going as a movie character.”

“Holly Gennaro!” He guesses immediately.

She rolls her eyes. “No. Stop being so obsessed with Die Hard.”

“I’m not obsessed with Die Hard, I just know all the words and have seen all of them a thousand times.”

“Sounds pretty obsessed to me,” she nudges his shoulder. “Die Hard’s not the only movie out there, you know. There are other movies. Better movies.”

He gasps and recoils like Scully when he poured hot coffee all over himself. “Take that back! Die Hard is the greatest movie of all time!”

“Wrong. Ignorant and wrong. The Lion King’s a great movie.”

“Never seen it.” He shrugs.

“You’ve never seen The Lion King? But it’s a classic. We watched it all the time when I was a kid.”

“I was alone a lot,” he explains, “single mom who worked, absentee father. I just watched sports and Die Hard.”

“Oh,” she whispers, making this sad, frowny face. “Wanna watch it together some time?”

“Uh, ye, yeah,” he stutters, a little taken aback at the invitation. He thought she found him childish and annoying.

“I still think you’re annoying,” she says as she returns to her desk, like she can read his mind.

“Ditto,” he grins.

++

He’s the first one to arrive.

While he normally insists on showing up at crime scenes/morning briefings/family events fashionably late, this time Boyle specifically asked him to come early and it’s his duty as The Best Friend™️ to resolve all Rosa-is-coming-to-his-party-related meltdowns.

“Smell my breath,” Boyle demands, getting real close.

“OK. Personal space, Charles. We talked about this, remember?”

“Of course,” he nods, taking a few steps back. “I just don’t want Rosa to think I have bad breath when we make out.”

Jake grimaces, relieved when there’s a knock at the door. “I’ll get it,” he excuses himself before Boyle sticks his mouth in front of his face again.

He opens the door and stares at the other early bird in silence.

It’s Amy. Of course it’s Amy. She’s always early. Even after drinks at Shaw’s, hungover, she’ll get to work forty-five minutes before she has to. It’s not surprising that she’s early, it’s what she’s wearing that has him speechless.

In a long black dress with a long black wig, she is unmistakably Morticia Addams. Not as iconic as Holly Gennaro, he has to admit, but still. She’s rocking it.

The only issue?

He’s dressed as Gomez, the patriarch of the Addams family, Morticia’s husband.

They’re matching.

They’re wearing matching Halloween costumes!

Amy blushes beneath her heavy make-up. “Um. Nice suit.”

“Nice dress,” he responds, equally flustered.

“This is weird, right?” They say at the exact same time before dissolving into giggles.

Jake scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “I guess we’ve been spending a lot of time together the last few months. I must have telepathically given you the idea.”

“Unless I thought of it first.” She raises one eyebrow, challenging him. Before he can come up with response, Boyle appears behind them, incredibly excited about their accidental costume situation.

“It’s nothing,” Jake brushes it off.

“Yeah,” Amy agrees, still standing in the doorway. “The Addams Family are just popular Halloween costumes. That’s all.”

“It definitely means something,” he insinuates in his super high-pitched, annoying insinuating voice. “It means that you’re soulmates.”

Jake rolls his eyes. First the wedding bells comment on Amy’s first day, then the constant questions about whether she’s seeing anyone, now this. He gets that his best friend is just trying to be a good wingman or whatever but it’s A Lot. Even if he did like Amy, nothing would ever happen because she’s obviously uncomfortable about the whole thing. She is the most professional person he’s ever met and would never do anything to jeopardise her integrity at work, especially not something as scandalous as a workplace romance!

Not that anything would ever happen anyway. They’re just friends. Co-workers. Portners. He doesn’t even like her in a romantical way.

Sometimes, for example later in the evening when she steals his last slice of pizza, he doesn’t like her at all.

But then he tells a dumb joke and she’s the only one in Charles’ ex-wife’s, new boyfriend’s basement who laughs and he thinks that maybe Charles is right. Maybe he does have a crush on her. A little one. Tiny.

Not that it matters anyway. Someone like Amy would never date someone like him. They’re just too different. He’s the Gomez to her Morticia, the Detective Peralta to her Detective Santiago, and that’s all it’s ever going to be.

(Eight years later, it’s only fitting that they end their wedding day with him performing his Addams Family themed wedding vows rap in just his boxers. There’s no beat boxer and he’s horribly out of time and he’s forgotten most of the lyrics, but it’s perfect. And Charles was right after all -- they are soulmates, just like Gomez and Morticia). 

[nellie-elizabeth]

Outlander: Perpetual Adoration (5x05)

Honestly, this episode felt kind of disjointed to me. Several of the pieces were good, but the picture they made in the end was less than it should have been.

Cons:

I enjoyed, in theory, the flashbacks to Claire back in the twentieth century. We see a story of her losing a patient, Graham Menzies, because of an allergic reaction to penicillin. His death shakes her bad enough that she decides to go on a trip to London with Brianna, which leads to her crossing paths with Roger, and ultimately finding her way back to Jamie. The main issue I had here was the strange way the scenes were arranged. In the "behind the scenes" section of the episode they talk about how they had filmed the scenes in order but ended up rearranging them in editing, and honestly that doesn't surprise me to hear. We see Claire attending the Perpetual Adoration and talking to the priest, before we hear Graham explain what it means to him. I'm not sure why they did this - not only is it unnecessarily complicated from a narrative standpoint, but the scene with the priest is stronger, with the overt message of people never being lost if they are not forgotten. It should have come later anyway.

Also, while I liked the flashbacks, or at least parts of them, I was annoyed at how much focus they pulled from the story proper. Sure, it's fun to see Joe Abernathy again, etc. But the scene with Joe and Kezzie having surgery, Claire and Marsali discovering the penicillin... those are moments I wanted to linger on much more, and it's a bummer they were so brief.

I'll talk in a minute about Jamie's plot thread, which I thought was quite strong, but I did feel like the opening part, where Fergus and Jamie walk in and Knox is there, was kind of odd. Last week there was such a sense of the militia as this unit of people, and this week they were all but absent, with Jamie and Knox getting all the screen time. I could have used a bit more of a sense of the group of men, their dynamics, how they're feeling after everything that went down in Brownsville.

I try so hard to care about Roger and Brianna. Sometimes I manage it, but their fight about Bonnet was really just - disheartening to watch. It's not even that I don't care at all, it's more just that it's dour and unpleasant and it sucks. Roger being upset with Brianna for telling her rapist that her baby is his... like, who am I meant to feel sympathy for in this scene? Because I certainly don't feel it for Roger. Then there's Roger saying that because Bonnet's not dead, they'll need to go through the stones right away, and Brianna gets this conflicted look on her face, like she's still not sure that's what she wants. I'm already exhausted with this dynamic, and I didn't think I would be. I think part of the problem is that I know from the books that they don't leave yet. Who knows, maybe they change things wildly from book canon, but I kind of doubt it.

Pros:

So, while I had my problems with the flashbacks, ultimately I enjoyed seeing Claire in this twentieth century setting, and her voice-over worked really, really well here. Outlander's use of voice-over has been inconsistent, but it's best employed when it's being used to convey a theme or philosophy instead of simply narrating events. Here, we have Claire ruminating on the nature of time, and how that relates to God. It's an excellent theme. We see how in the sterile, "safe" environment of the 1960's, a patient dies senselessly because of an undetected allergy. Meanwhile in the past, Claire is playing God by creating penicillin far before its time, and she uses it to perform successful surgery. Her foreknowledge and skill can and will create a ripple effect, and it's definitely one of the core themes I love to see Outlander explore.

Plus, the actor playing Graham Menzies was genuinely charming, and it was nice to see Claire have a chance to grieve Jamie in a more conventional sense. It's heartbreaking to think about how her original grief for Jamie was subsumed as she tried to be a wife to Frank and a mother to Bree. But decades later, with Frank dead and Brianna grown, she can start to process some of her feelings. She also ends up on the path that leads her back to him, so it all ends up for the best. Also, they brought in the romance novel thing! That's one of my favorite details from the book. Fun to see Joe again!

While Roger and Brianna's scenes left me feeling a little cold, I don't fundamentally dislike these characters. Roger shines brightest when he's focusing on his fish-out-of-water status. He's self-conscious about failing Jamie as a captain, and I really feel for him there. Also, I liked Roger and Claire's scene. They have a more natural chemistry as scene partners than he has with Brianna, and I think that's because Caitriona Balfe is a stronger actress. He compares his situation with Jemmy's unclear paternity, to Claire's decision to hide the truth of Brianna's parentage from her, and I thought that was really interesting, and made for a much better exploration of the situation than we got between Brianna and Roger.

Once again we're seeing how Murtagh continuing to exist in this timeline is changing things for Jamie. I really do go back and forth on whether I like his continued presence, but this week it really worked. Jamie's loyalty, and his decision about when to create a clear line in the sand, is one of the driving forces of this whole story-line. And having Murtagh there, having him be the specific source of Knox's search, adds a personal stake here that I think was definitely missing from the book. I like how in the book, Jamie is basically just trying to play the middle and wait for the right moment to declare himself a rebel, to ensure that he and his family end up on the winning side. It's interesting to watch him navigate that aspect of it. But here, his principles are more directly tangled up in things. His loyalty to Murtagh obviously outweighs his coerced loyalty to the crown!

I also like how Knox seems to really admire Jamie and feel a real sense of kinship with him. Jamie is more reserved, saying what he thinks Knox wants to hear, but I also think Jamie is somewhat genuinely moved by Knox's admiration for him. It was obviously pretty brutal watching Jamie kill him, especially after Knox's horrified realization of Jamie's relationship to Murtagh. Knox isn't a character I necessarily sympathize with, but it was hard not to wince when I saw his life come to end. For Jamie's sake, if nothing else.

So, with evidence of Jamie's true allegiance burned, and Knox dead, Jamie returns to the Ridge with a new friend for Claire - a tiny fuzzy kitten named Adso! This is a different way for the cat to make his entrance than what happens in the books, but hey. I'm still thrilled to see him!

At the end of the day, I'm not sure how to grade this episode. There were things about it I truly enjoyed, but others that frustrated me. We are five episodes in now, and these seasons aren't exactly very long. How am I going to feel about the shape of season five as a whole, when all is said and done? That remains to be seen!

7/10

[still-a-valid-ace]

I need help. My wife is autichorissexual and not interested in having sex with me. I'm very insecure about my body as it is and all was well as long as I was stone butch. Well, that is not me anymore, and I can't help but feel incredibly rejected by her disinterest. This feeds right back into my self-hatred. I'm demisexual myself, so you'd think that I'd get where she's coming from, but I'm just so hurt. My therapist was very homophobic and just awful and no help at all. Help?

Hi anon. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. My wife struggles with my lack of sexual attraction as well because of similar body issues and it's definitely not something that is easily shrugged off, even when you know that logically you're not at fault. Mental illness is insidious like that, and sometimes all the assurances or logical thinking in the world don't seem to have any impact on such entrenched thoughts. So first of all, please know that what you're experiencing is very common and your feelings, no matter how complex and tangled, are valid. It's okay that you can't just logic your way out of feeling like this; there's more at work here than just "I shouldn't feel this way, therefore I should be able to just stop". Our brains are trickier than that, unfortunately.

As far as suggestions go, I'm sure you're already talking about this with your wife so I just urge you to keep those lines of communication open. Try to be as honest as you can, while of course allowing space for her to express herself as well. It might help to discuss your individual love languages and non-sexual ways she can show you that she cares about you and finds you attractive. Maybe that's physical compliments, commenting on your outfits, expressing what parts of you she finds beautiful, etc. After all, just because she doesn't feel sexual attraction doesn't mean she can't recognize beauty and sexiness when she sees it. I'm sure she finds you stunning even if she doesn't show it through physicality.

While this might help, however, I firmly believe something like this needs to be paired with therapy and personal work to try to overcome the underlying issues. Obviously your previous therapist isn't going to do - you definitely need someone who is sensitive and educated about queer issues. If you cant find someone in your area, you should check out Pride Counseling (https://www.pridecounseling.com/faq/). They provide long-distance therapy with a focus on supporting queer clients for a variety of issues. You take a survey and are paired with someone who best fits your needs (though you can of course change therapists if that person doesn't work out). They're a little expensive because insurances don't usually take them, but you have almost unlimited access to your therapist through a variety of communication methods so it's great for urgent issues. I think they could be a really great resource, even if you can only afford a few weeks or months.

Another potential resource is obviously looking into online communities and reaching out to others who are in similar situations. There might be blogs focused on this sort of thing, though I don't know of any myself - maybe some of my followers do? I'm sure my wife would also be very happy to talk with you directly if you want; she's been going through this for a number of years now and might be able to provide some insight and support, or at least an attentive and understanding ear.

One last thing I'll suggest, just as a potential future possibility, is opening your relationship. This isn't a cure-all for whatever problems a couple is having, obviously, and requires a lot of forethought and discussion, but I do think it's worth considering when couples have different sexual needs. There's nothing wrong with you having one or more external sexual partners if sex isn't something your wife wants to take part in. It doesn't mean your relationship is bad or broken or lesser; it's just like you wanting to find others who share a hobby of yours that your wife isn't interested in. You're both allowed to find connections outside of your relationship, because none of us can be absolutely everything a person needs and wants.

I hope this was helpful... You are absolutely welcome to message me directly if you want to talk more, I know this can be a very alienating and frustrating situation to be in. Good luck. ❤

[onisionhurtspeople]

I can't watch this and hold on to this information any longer. I won't give out much information of myself other than that my name is Michael, I went to high school with this guy, and a good friend of mine is someone he cheated on his ex wife with. I also run my own independent technology based business. Greg is a total loser and actually cheated on his ex wife with a friend of mine before him and his ex wife were ever even married. He was doing it for a while too until my friend found out he was taken and told Skye. She dumped his ass and he ended up losing his mind because he got caught and cried like a little bitch and called her every day for two solid weeks to get her back. Let me say that again, SHE dumped him. He'd been caught in school a whole lot of times by other girls doing the exact same thing to them and it was always the girls that dumped him as it was always other girls that ratted him out. I had always wondered what ever had become of this guy since I left Washington and moved on from school. Apparently some people never change. He's been this way for years. There was a running joke among pretty much everyone in school that he was going to be put down in the year book as "most likely to commit a school shooting". He wore a combo of a trench coat, beanie, and tripp pants…every day. In fact if I remember correctly it seemed like he'd been wearing the same clothes for a couple weeks a time before ever washing them. He'd rarely ever talk to anyone and the few times he did he would always talk down to a person. At first we thought he didn't realize he was doing it, but after weeks and weeks of it being a regular occurrence we (pretty much the entire school) started getting the idea that he just hated people. I mean, he had friends, but he'd still treat them like shit. Every since I can remember he's always thought of himself as better or above everyone else. He'd start arguments with teachers because he thought he actually knew more than they did, when he was obviously proven wrong he would completely deny it and act like a pouting child. There was one time, and I remember this because it was just before summer break, where his mother who looked completely cracked out actually came to school and argued with the teacher about how perfect her son was and how he never could do any wrong. He had gotten in trouble again for being caught cheating on yet another girl and her father was doing what any reasonable man would, he was threatening to beat the crap of Greg. I had to drop off some late homework so I went directly to my teachers office to do this and over heard the entire thing. It was the hilarious and embarrassing thing I'd ever been privy to eavesdrop on in my entire life. His mother literally started chanting some wiccan stuff or new age stuff, I'm not even sure what it was, he has his head down, his face is turning red as a beet, and his fists are balled up, while this girls father whole looks like a 250+ lbs Marine is berating him for trying to score with his daughter who he lied to. All the while our schools principal is just sitting there with the most confused expression because he had zero idea what to do. It was surreal, it was as if Jerry Springer had visited our school. To this very day I can't even properly explain what I had witnessed. After that he really just went downhill and never recovered. He was an asshole to just about every single person he met, and started bragging about how we'd all be "thanking him and congratulating him" one day because he wanted to enlist into the military and go over to Iraq. Everyone started to really distance themselves from him at that point. I remember that he started bragging about going into the Navy or Air Force, but at that point I was just too focused on finals and getting into college to even care anymore. One more thing I do remember vividly is how often he'd pick fights he couldn't win after that. He was already known for running his mouth to people about things he wasn't even remotely knowledgeable on, but after the previous incident, he'd start actively provoking people. I can see why he gets so much hate here, Greg's still doing the same thing, even now. He ended up pissing off a few metalheads in our school, if I recall correctly he said something about one of them having a sibling that passed away and them not truly caring about it or something…and well, they just pummeled him into a pulp. Three on one basically. Once again, mom was quick to bail him out of any responsibility for getting exactly what he'd asked for. This didn't happen behind the school or after school hours, mind you. This happened in front of almost everyone. In general, we'd hear about this going on once every couple of weeks. After a while we just stopped hearing about him anymore, my best guess is that is when he secluded himself online and started doing this video sort of stuff. I've seen the video about him creating an online cult like religion, I'm just making a guess here but it seems his problems just intensified with time. I only partially knew Skye through a couple of other people. She was a very nice, but quiet person. She did some cool graphic design stuff. I even thought of asking her out a couple times but then Greg came along and we didn't see or hear much from her after that. That never sat well with me. Other people have said this past and I can confirm, that Greg always wanted to be with her sister more. In the last few days I've taken the time to watch a few of the videos that caused the most stir and its funny to me how much he now seems to whine about "slutty" girls because back then those were always the type he'd go after. It was either girls that were more sexually free spirited, or girls who were very quiet, obviously virgins, and had some types of issues at home or depression. There never seemed to be any middle ground. It was either one or the other and his ideal type seemed to be an impossible mix of both. As I said before, I've watched enough to catch up about this guy; all of the Shiloh stuff, when he decided to divorce Skye for her, all of that up until now. I have to tell, this guy absolutely terrifies me now. He was always off balanced but I figured that with time he'd find his niche in life and things would be relatively alright. That couldn't be farther from the truth. He has never gone anywhere in life since high school. I started my own business, own my house, have a couple of kids and a loving wife and we travel all of the place regularly. He just continues to act like a spastic teenager and he is one year younger than me and can only make money through Google AdSense or heavily taxed partner revenues. He literally displays the same behavior as an online and offline predator now. He has never once changed the way he treats women, or who gives that treatment to, he has just allowed it all to become horribly worse. I think he must also be in horrendous amounts of debt as well. I've seen the way he tries to live and I can tell you that he cannot possibly afford all of that. Greg was always terrible with money. For example, a five dollar pair of sunglasses he'd pay for with a twenty so he didn't have to count the change. He was always broke and apparently so was everyone else in his household. I watched a video just recently where he said he'd paid $6000 to a contractor for his yard who took all his money and never did anyway, and all he did was make a video on it. Obviously not even that has changed. And now he has a child? That's the worst part. The last thing I'll leave you all with is a segment about his inability to care for, and somewhat hatred of children. Around the time this guy started coming around more I remembered him talking about working for a daycare. Another friend of mine also worked at this daycare, which I won't name because frankly I've followed the Chris-Chan saga and I don't think the place would appreciate a ween-overload. She told me that he was close to being fired (and eventually did get fired) because he had applied for a job he no idea how to do. He couldn't even do the most basic things for these kids (mostly toddlers) and whenever they started to get upset he'd be rude and mean to them. Finally when they shitcanned him he apparently lost it, with children there, and stormed out saying like "fuck these stupid kids anyway" or something to that effect. He'd offhandedly made jokes about how he'd just leave a girl who he was with if she got pregnant even if the kid was his because he didn't want children at all. Obviously no one thought it was funny. Watching the Shiloh thing unfold it was just one huge reminder of that. Apparently he caused her to miscarry as well, twice. I don't keep up with many of these people from high school much anymore until something crazy as shit happens for this guy. I'll just say there's the possibility he's got a kid out there he won't ever see or acknowledge and neither his current wife, nor the current movement against knew about it until now. He fucked over his ex-wife that badly. He was forced to pay alimony instead of child support because they didn't even want to chance him seeing the child so they just took it away from him and he was completely fine with it from what I've been told. I was told that he did this video to chase her off YouTube because she was close to spilling the truth about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R1z_96Q4wVg[Archived Copy] This video was uploaded the day before he was fully served a restraining order (pic related check the date): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6uyvlmpog1c He'd been calling his ex wife non stop being a creep to the utmost maximum. From what I've been told it made his voicemails to AJ sound like someone handling a break up well by comparison. He'd been crapping pants over going to court for it apparently because not only would he have no contact with her, he had to fork over $1500 that day. The video I've linked here is way creepier now that it has some real context. Anyway, that's all I've got for now. Busy day ahead, if people have questions, I'll be back on later. Enjoy, because as obsessive as he is, he's bound to read all of this so things will get pretty interesting over the next few hours if he indeed sees this.

A comment posted on lolcow by one of Greg’s ex-classmates who attended high school with him. Somewhat old, but I just found it for the first time, so I thought it was interesting enough to repost. 

You can read all relevant information about this post here:

http://www.lifeofonion.com/index.php?title=HS_Anon_Account

[bdfanfic]

Oak in Grey Hollow - 4

Oak in Grey Hollow - 4 - Customer Service

After reporting back to Hollow, the two ate a quick bite before MIra dressed for the evening. Hollow handed her a long blonde wig with a tiara, the center jewel being a soul gem. He then explained that when activated with a touch, the enchanted wig would appear to all eyes as her own hair.  However, already she had begun to notice that all of Hollow’s enchantments carried a balancing aspect, and she asked him about this one.

“Ah! You learn quickly, as I expected! In this case, the enchantment joins the hair on the wig to your own head. It acts something like a magnet to the hairs within the tiara. The balance however, is that while your scalp becomes attractive to this hair, the rest of your body from the neck down repulses hair. I’ve become quite adept at hair magic, being a very common complaint of older male customers of the haired-races! This is just an adaptation of what I’ve learned.”

Mira looked at the wig dubiously. “So… when I activate it…”

Hollow nodded with an enthusiastic smile, “Yes indeed! All your body hair will instantly fall from you, leaving you as smooth-skinned as a babe! Why, I have had women who ask for only the side effect! But… you should probably put it on in the stream first.”

“I don’t know,” she said worriedly.

“Totally harmless, I assure you!” he said, handing her the dress she’d so admired before.

“And you’ll be such a beauty in this gown then!” he continued as she took the dress. It was a gorgeous dress, after all.

She accepted the gown and headed to the stream, out of sight of the enchanter who was busy in the tent, arranging his wares on the table for display within.  She then set the dress down, stripped, and stepped into the stream before putting the wig on. She swallowed hard, closed her eyes, and pressed the gem on the tiara.

A strange feeling swept across her, and she felt the wig tighten - but not uncomfortably - on her head. Meanwhile the temperature of the air seemed to drop perceptibly. Fortunately it was still warm, but when she opened her eyes she saw something drifting away on the stream’s surface, a small, soft pile of hair. She looked down at herself and suddenly felt more naked than she’d ever been. She hurried out of the stream and donned the gown as quickly as possible!

Happily, the itching that she’d been warned about didn’t happen. Instead, she felt… beautiful. She’d never worn anything so magnificent in her life. It was like wearing the gentlest linen.  She fairly skipped back to the camp, dying to see herself in a mirror.

“Oh!” Hollow said when she entered the tent. “My, but you do look nice! Now, when you want to activate the Glamour, just touch the soul gem on the belt. Though, I must say, you may not need it. I’m no judge of female human beauty of course.”

“Do you have a mirror? I’ve got to see myself!”

Hollow smiled and lifted a jewel-encrusted hand mirror from the table, handing it to her and adding, “Don’t touch the bottom jewel though. You don’t need the enchantment on this.”

She looked at herself. What she saw was just herself, in a wig, wearing a gown that she had no right to possess. To say she was disappointed was an understatement.

Hollow caught the look in her eyes. “Is something wrong Mira? Don’t you like it?”

“It’s not that. It’s just. Well, it’s just me. I was hoping… I don’t know.”

“You are no judge of human beauty either, it seems.  But activate the Glamour.”

She did so. Immediately she felt a tingle wherever the dress touched her, like a mild itch. However, true to his word, it wasn’t too much to ignore. But that wasn’t all that had changed. The dress had squeezed her in places, and fell away in others. It felt as if her body itself had morphed underneath it’s folds. She looked into the mirror again.

“OH!” she exclaimed, shocked. “Oh my! Yes! Wow! Look at my… WOW! Hollow! I’m… beautiful! I’m really beautiful!”

Hollow sighed, taking the mirror from her hands. “Of course you are, MIra. I’m no charlatan! You are now officially enchanted. And enchanting… well, at least to those who are affected by such things. But we have no customers yet. You should only engage it when customers are around. No need for it otherwise.”

Mira looked at the mirror longingly. She half reached for it as Hollow set it on the table, but then pulled her hand back. She recalled how she had despised other girls when she was younger for their good looks, which as often as not came with a similarly ugly disposition. She pondered Hollow’s penchant for ‘balance’ and wondered if maybe a different kind of balance was at work in the wider world. Well, she would rather tolerate a bit of itch than to become one of those kinds of people!

Outside, they heard Anabelle snort, and Hollow became excited. “We have a customer Mira! Please, give them a nice greeting and send them in!”

Mira stepped out of the tent and saw a middle aged man coming towards the cart dubiously. She beckoned him to approach.

“Are you the Enchanter?” he said, wringing his hands nervously. As he came close, she noticed he was younger than he’d first appeared. But his skin was sun-parched, obviously spending long hours outdoors that had prematurely aged his appearance.

“Oh no - that’s Oak in Grey Hollow. He’s in the tent there.  Please, come on in, and don’t be nervous. We’re here to help!”

“Well, thank you Miss. I’m not sure if he can help, but…” he stammered, but she shushed him.

“No, you’ll want to tell Hollow everything. Step this way!”

With that she ushered him within the tent, that now was lit with an unusual bluish glow that she saw emanating from a staff that Hollow had activated and planted into the ground.

“Ah, welcome good Sir!” said Hollow enthusiastically. “I am Oak in Grey Hollow, Traveling Enchanter, Alchemist and Advisor!”

“Oh, you’re an Argonian? I’m not sure if you can help me, but…”

“Well, have a seat here and tell me all about it. No charge if I can’t help, of course. But please, tell me your name and your problem.”

“Name’s Grath - Jon Grath. I’m just a farmer a bit down the way. Saw your horse go by into town earlier and then I heard about the posters.”

“Ah, a farmer! A noble yet sadly thankless career. Why, it’s men like you that allow for civilization to flourish, you know! I applaud your service, truly I do. Why, were I able to do so, I assure you I would offer my services Pro Bono - free that is - yet, this cruel world. You see how it is? But your type are the foundations upon which we all rely! Truly salt of the earth. Please, tell me what brings you out of your homestead to my humble tent?”

At first, Mira was concerned that Hollow was laying it on a little thick, but she just stood to the side, trying to look beautiful. Yet as he went on buttering up the guy, she saw he had struck some chord as the scowling farmer’s weathered face began to relax.

Mr. Grath looked at Mira sidelong and whispered to Hollow. “I’m afraid it’s a bit… personal. Do you think maybe…” he trailed off.

“Oh I’m sorry, but please, I need Mira’s help - especially in personal matters! She is, as you may have noticed, not only a human but a female of your species. That makes her invaluable to me in these situations you see. She has the intuition of her sex that I just cannot fathom - yet, of course, the discretion of a cleric. I assure you, nothing you tell us will leave this space. But, to make things easier for you, take a look at this…”

Hollow produced a large book, and flipped it to a page of hand-written notes. Mira peered over the farmer’s shoulder to see them as well, smiling when she saw the five entries.

“These, my good man, are typical ‘personal’ issues I have solutions pre-made for. Perhaps your situation matches one of these? If so, then you’re in luck! Since I don’t need to customize the enchantments or potions needed, I can offer you a solution at a greatly discounted rate!”

The farmer scanned the words on the page carefully. “I’m not much of a reader, Mr. Hollow… what does ‘performance’ mean here?”

Hollow turned to glance at the page.

“Performance Enhancement? Ah, that is for men who are unable to achieve - shall we say - mutually satisfactory lovemaking activities with your intimate partner. Is this, perhaps, your issue?”

The farmer glanced sidelong towards Mira, but nodded.

“Ah! No problem then! But this particular issue typically comes in one of a few slightly different varieties - yet no fear! I have a solution for all of them - at least so long as they derive from a physical issue and not… well… to be blunt, Farmer Grath, I cannot dabble in matters of the heart directly. Trust me, I have tried.”

“Oh, no. That’s okay - the wife and I, we’re still in love. I just… I don’t last long enough for her. We make do, of course, but.”

“Say no more Mr. Grath! Wait here a moment, I’ll be right back. Tonight you will be the stallion of your wife’s dreams, I assure you!” Hollow responded excitedly. “Oh it does make me happy to have such a perfect solution readily at hand!  Mira, keep Mr. Grath entertained while I go get something!”

And with that Hollow was gone. Mira considered just what sort of ‘entertainment’ Hollow might expect her to do in this case! Dancing? Singing?  But instead, she just sat in Hollow’s chair and took the man’s hands in her own.

“Please, don’t be embarrassed, Sir. In our line of work, we get the most peculiar complaints. Your’s is quite normal, really. Your wife doesn’t know you’re here, does she?”

“Oh no, Miss,” the farmer stammered, not able to make eye contact with her.

“You are a wonderful husband, Sir. You come to us for her sake, and that shows the depth of your love for her! You are a good man, Mr. Grath. I’m so glad Hollow is able to help someone so loving as to seek help from us. I hope she appreciates you!”

The sun-dried face turned up to face her now, smiling. “You think so?” he asked. “She’s been so wonderful. I just want to…”

“Make her as happy as she makes you?” Mira offered, smiling - and she could see her smile reflected in his face.

“Yes! Exactly!”

At that, Hollow returned, carrying something, and Mira returned to her station behind their customer. Hollow handed Mr. Grath a small band of cloth with the smallest soul gem she’d ever seen embroidered into it.

“Now, this is what I call the Band of Grey Solidity. I doubt I need to explain how to use it much. Just put it where it needs to go, and when you’re ready, touch the gem. From that point you will remain in your current state until it is deactivated… Once deactivated, things will proceed naturally. I expect this will solve your problem perfectly!”

“Er… Mr. Hollow. I don’t know much about Argonians but, it’s a little… little.”

“Oh, no! No problem. It’s stretchy, see?” Hollow explained, demonstrating an quite impressive range of expansion, and the farmer took the little device as if holding the most precious thing in the world.

“How much?” he asked, not taking his eyes off the band, but those eyes were sparkling with anticipation.

Hollow eyed Mira surreptitiously, his eyebrows waggling.

“Only 109,” he said.

Suddenly the farmer’s face turned dark. “109 gold? Are you kidding Mr. Hollow? For this little thing?”

Yet Mira noticed he didn’t set it back on the table.

“I’m so very sorry, sir. But, you see, I have such overhead. We sell little as we travel Tamriel, and costs seem to increase every day. Surely you have experienced the same. Why, the cost of flour alone seems to have doubled since last year. What do you farm, Mr. Grath? Wheat?” Hollow said, seemingly very sincere in his apology, and reaching to accept the device back. However, the farmer’s hand didn’t release it.

“Well now, Mr. Hollow. You’re right about that, heaven knows! Perhaps, though, a bit of discount?”

“I’m so very sorry Mr. Grath. I simply cannot,” Hollow said, practically tearing up. Then he leaned in close and whispered - yet not so low that Mira couldn’t hear every word.

“My girl here, she’s a bit expensive too. Has to have the best of everything, I’m afraid.”

The farmer glanced back to Mira, who was absentmindedly looking away at the moment, then back to the Argonian. “You… and her?” he whispered?

Hollow shrugged, smiling a somewhat mischievous Argonian smile.

The farmer laughed. “My! You must be a good Enchanter after all! Yes, I can understand your situation, Mr. Hollow. But about the Band… Any side effects? Any guarantee?”

“Sir, you have my personal word as guarantee! Plus, I did not set up shop here to leave the next day! Should it not perform as warranted, you may return it for a full refund. minus a small restocking fee of course. As for side effects, you are a wise man to ask. Yet this particular device is unique among most of my wares, for the positive benefit to your wife is offset perfectly with the delayed pleasure to yourself! It is naturally in balance and the soul gem that powers it is of the most minor of souls, yet should last a lifetime!”

The farmer stood up and drew out a money pouch, counting out the entire amount.  While he did so, Mira took the device and wrapped it in a small box that Hollow produced, and handed it to him when the counting was done with a flourish.

“Thank you so much, Mr. Grath. And I’m sure you’ll be very happy with your purchase! But if not, just bring it back tomorrow.”

“Well, it was more than I wanted to spend, but if it does as promised…”

“She is worth it, don’t you think?” Mira asked, smiling back.

The farmer drew in a deep breath and smiled back. “Yes. Yes she is. Thank you Miss, and Mr. Hollow. I’ll let you know how things go.”

Hollow and Mira left the tent just behind the farmer and they watched him trudge over the hill and down the nearby road until he was out of sight, hand patting his pocket intermittently the whole time.

“Will it really work?” Mira asked as they watched the fading figure of a happy man.

“Well, it will do exactly what I said it will do. Whether that alone will suffice for Mrs. Grath, I can’t say. Maybe yes, maybe no. Time will tell. Women are weird. But here, take this. You did well, Mira.”

Hollow handed her 9 gold, and she looked at it glistening in her hand as the sun set. She looked up at the Argonian, eyes burning.

“Oh please,” he said, seeing her grateful response. “It’s just 9 gold. Not like I just gave you the riches of the east! And turn off that damn Glamour. It’s annoying.”

She touched the gem on her belt and the itching stopped.

It was a good hour until the next customers came. Only a few stopped in that first night, but as word of mouth got back to the village, more came the following day. However, the village was small, and by the fifth day it was clear their business was dwindling. Hollow declared they would be moving on the next day, as they closed up the tent and retired to their beds in the cart.

[your-loss-would-break-my-heart]

Trying to save you from yourself (Part 2)

in which Sherlock goes missing and his brother still tries to find him

Read part one here: https://your-loss-would-break-my-heart.tumblr.com/post/177879584591/trying-to-save-you-from-yourself-part-1

Back in the rain with his trusted umbrella, Mycroft called the police again. Lestrade immediatly picked up. "Have you found him?" That was unexpected. "You have my number saved?" "Of course I have, why wouldn't I? Have you found Sherlock?" And quickly the important things took over Mycroft's mind again. "No. I spoke to Doctor Hooper but she knew nothing about his whereabouts." "...Doctor Hoo- oh, you mean Molly. That's bad, if she doesn't know anything, no one else does either. She's like the equivalent of his lab partner." "I am aware.", Mycroft said, "Speaking of Doctor Hooper, should you receive a call about someone threatening her, ignore it. Although it's more probable that she won't alert you to begin with." Lestrade was silent for a second. "Mycroft,", he asked slowly, "What did you do?" "I asked her about Sherlock." "You threatened her, didn't you?" "No, I faked being a police officer to interrogate her. I only threatened her when she started getting suspicious of me." "Oh my god.", he groaned.

"I don't know how else I could have done it. If I didn't threaten her, she would have called security immediatly, and I don't have time for something like that." "Why did you need to fake being from the police to begin with?! You're Sherlock's brother, you have all right to be worried when he's missing!" "Yes, and she'd surely believe it. 'Why, hello, I'm the brother of Sherlock Holmes, I know you've never heard of me, but I suddenly have the urge to go around and ask his little coworkers about him because he didn't tell me his location'. It's not a very believable situation, Inspector." "It doesn't matter if it's believable, Mycroft, it's the truth!", Lestrade said, as if he was offended on the truth's behalf. "It doesn't matter if it's the truth if no one believes it to be.", Mycroft shot back. "Of course it does, it's the truth!", Lestrade whined. "This is getting us nowhere.", Mycroft noted, "Have you found anything of interest?" "No,", he answered, obviously not happy with the conclusion reached, "But I have a few more to go." "Alright." "Mycroft?", he asked, just as the former wanted to end the call. It was getting really repetitive with Lestrade talking like they were related. What was it with the first names? Sure, he didn't have an aesthetically pleasing title, but why not Mr. Holmes? Nobody called Sherlock that, so there shouldn't be a problem. And even if other people loved to presume things, at least a Detective Inspector should know that one family member's dislike for being called by their last name didn't extend to others. "Yes, Inspector?", Mycroft said and made a mental note to get his hands on Lestrade's birth certivicate. "You are gonna apologize, aren't you?" "Whom to?" "Molly! You probably gave her a panic attack!" Mycroft didn't think Lestrade would be so shocked by him threatening people, it's just what he did to avoid legal issues. An apology seems unnecessary in this case, he thought. Hooper will obviously ask Sherlock, if he turns out to be alive and able to work at St. Bartholomew's again. No, not if, when. When, when he turns out to be alive, balance of probability doesn't apply here. He realized Lestrade was still waiting for an answer. "I'll get back to you.", and with a tap on his phone, he was gone.

He chose a faster pace, determined to prove that uninvited thought wrong. No, he will come back. Sherlock may be stupid, but not stupid enough to get himself killed. He forced himself to calm down a bit, then sent a text to Anthea, calling the car of. He would have to walk. His next destination was a place he really disliked, but he figured it was necessary. Since Dr. Hooper told him before that no one ever knew what Sherlock did between his visits to St. Bartholomew's, asking Mike Stamford was a waste of time. The only other people who could know of his brother's location were either the drug dealers Lestrade was questioning, or parts of Sherlock's so called 'homeless network'. Mycroft hated having to interact with these people. Not only was everything on and around them dirty and smelly, most of them were prone to violence and he had no protection except for his umbrella (and he didn't want to shoot anyone, so the dagger would have to do). But the worst thing about these people, Mycroft knew, was that they had nothing to lose, and that meant there was nothing he could threaten them with. He could pay them, of course, but only after they've given him information, although he also couldn't risk them giving him false information for the sake of money. He could go back home, dress up as one of them, come back, spy on them to find out all codewords and then pretend to be one of them to get informarion, but that would take a lot of time and could easily turn into a dead end. No, the only thing he had on these people was their minimal loyality to Sherlock. Mycroft suspected it was because he made a show of being Robin Hood and stealing money from the rich for them. After all, it was far easier to get money from the rich if 'the rich' was your own brother.

He almost reached the old train station, when his phone rang. It was the surveillance, his personal surveillance, not the government's (although they pretended to be the government's to anyone else). He took it. "Hello.", the woman greeted him, "How's your search?" "Currently unsuccessful.", Mycroft said, ice cold. "Well, he's not at any of the places you told us to check. So good luck." She wanted to end the call, certainly because it was her break time, but she was the only one responsible enough to call in the first place. I need better people, Myroft thought, no matter the cost. I'm going to fire these idiots the moment Sherlock is with me. "Check the locations every once in a while, maybe he will move there. I'll expect another call from you in two hours time." She grumbled something and ended the call. Obviously Mycroft didn't expect anything in the next two hours, maybe somewhere in the next four, but he still didn't want to dismiss them.

The moment he walked into the abandoned station, he had to do his best not to throw up from the smell alone. He recognized a few, like sweat, pee and marijuana, and he didn't even want to know what the others were. There weren't many people present, and those that were were either asleep or staring off in the distance. Mycroft assumed even homeless people sleeping here would do anything to get away from this place in the daytime, even if it meant running around in the rain. He looked around and chose a man sitting a bit to the side. He couldn't make out much in the dim light and distance, only that he was awake, had been homeless for a while, but possibly either knew Sherlock or had someone else who gave him money for a good sleeping bag and some relatively intact clothes. Mycroft approached him with care. The man didn't react and upon closer investigation from only six feet away, it was clear that he was under heavy substances that he had been consuming for quite a while. Mycroft could also deduce the death of both of his parents, his wife divorcing him and marrying a rich man in America and a bunch of unimportant details. He still kept them in mind for the time being. "Hello.", he said to get the man's attention. Nothing. "Hello?", he said louder. This time, the man noticed him, blinking rapidly to make sure he was really there. "Hmmm?", he made, "Who're you?" "Someone associated with Sherlock Holmes.", Mycroft answered. The moment Sherlock's name fell, the man suddenly got more clear-minded. "What do you want from him?" "I'm trying to help him." The man didn't seem to buy that. "Why would he need your help?" He's homeless. He's alone. He's taking drugs. But he couldn't say any of those. "He might be in danger." "In danger.", the man repeated. "Yes, he gets himself into dangerous adventures to solve crime, it was only a matter of time until criminals would target him directly.", Mycroft explained. It would never come to this, obviously, with Sherlock being such a loose cannon. He never took credit for the crimes he solved, and only a few officers trusted him anyway. But Sherlock would boast to his network of homeless people about what he could do, if only to gain their trust and loyalty. This way, he had almost as good of a surveillance on London as Mycroft had. "Really?", the man asked, "How do you know that?" "Governmental surveillance. I'm keeping an eye out for things surrounding Sherlock Holmes while I work." That was perhaps the most true thing he ever said about his work. "You're from the government?" He had an issue with that. Obviously, the man didn't like the government, it was best for Mycroft to distance himself from it. "No, I'm here privately."

He put a break in his words and looked around to imply paranoia, even though he knew exactly that no one was listening. "Sherlock Holmes is my brother,", he said, "And if something happens to him, I will never forgive myself." He realized a tremble in his voice that he did not put there deliberately. I'm playing a part, he reminded himself, I'm doing this for show. This man's parents both died, so I am playing the 'family is important' card by pretending to be concerned about my brother. Nothing more. The man's voice softened, Mycroft's plan worked. "He didn't tell me where he was going,", he said, "But I know someone who can help us." He stood up and started quickly putting all his things into a handy backpack. "Oh, by the way,", he stopped to smile at Mycroft, "My name is Robert, nice to meet you." "Mycroft Holmes.", he introduced himself, even though he wanted to let the first name slip under the table. "Okay, Mycroft, then we'll be off!" God damn it.

Just playing a part, he reminded himself when they finally got outside again. It was still raining and he opened his umbrella. The man- Robert- noticed, but pretended not to care by inspecting the road. "This way.", he decided and started walking, Mycroft followed suit. He hated not being able to command him around, but as much as it pained him, he had to be on good terms with this guy. Robert had information, but not only that. He was a crucial point in this entire scheme, because with his favor, Mycroft was suddenly able to get everywhere with help of the network. What a safety hazard, just having to gain one person's trust. But that was the case with all networks run by humans. To be fair, one could get really far with Mycroft's trust, but he prided himself on trusting no one fully. Robert was far easier to win over, although empathy alone probably wouldn't cut it. "It's raining quite a lot,", he noted, "We could share this if you'd like." He hoped he'd say no, but that obviously didn't happen. Instead, he inched close enough for them to be brushing against each other every step and Mycroft had to pull himself together not to run away. It wasn't only because his companion smelled reminiscant of the train station and marijuana, it wasn't because he was homeless and Mycroft one of the most powerful men in England, it wasn't even because he was one of the most stupid sentimental people he's ever had to deal with. No, it was simply because he hated being close to anyone. The way people breathed, the way they moved in the corner of his eye, the way foreign skin felt when it briefly brushed his, he absolutely hated it. After two minutes of walking like this, Mycroft already had an idea of most of the man's life story without even wanting to know.

"Hey, Mycroft?", he asked. Why could nobody just- "Yes?" "You know Sherlock takes drugs, right?" He sighed. "Yes, I do." Robert laughed. It sounded nervous, he didn't know how to handle the situation. Why he brought it up in the first place was a mystery. "From what I saw last time, he's better than me though." "Which is not an accomplishment, considering you take everything you can get, and the only reason you are still alive is the fact that you don't get a lot. It's still an incredibly dangerous lifestyle, and, if you continue it, it would surprise me should you be alive five years from now. And I'm rarely surprised." Robert didn't look too sure of himself and Mycroft asked himself for maybe the tenth time just how ignorant this man was. The silence dragged on for a bit, then Robert laughed again. "Oh, right, you're Sherlock's brother, I can see that." Mycroft had no idea what to answer, but apparently he wasn't supposed to answer at all, because Robert just kept talking. "You know, I would love to have a brother like you, you at least care about your people. Do you think I have anyone who cares for me? I wouldn't be on the streets if that was the case. You're the first person to be nice to me in the last month. I don't know what Sherlock would run away from if he's got such a nice famiy." Sherlock's 'nice family' was getting increasingly uncomfortable, and his mind was racing with ways to get his companion to shut up. Ways that didn't seem impolite, ways that weren't threatening, because Mycroft simply had nothing to threaten him with.

"I can pay you for this, obviously." At least it would change the subject. "That'd be great.", Robert smiled, "It'd be great to get a good sandwich in me after this." "I was talking about a bit more than that. Maybe the price of a thousand sandwiches in pounds, although I could also give it to you in dollars, if you really do want to follow that plan of travelling to America through." He relished the little while that Robert was speechless. Offering people money truly was a failsafe plan. "Why would you do that? That's so much money!" Well, you see, Mycroft thought, I have so much of it, I use it to distract people from talking about things I don't want to hear. That way I can throw them off their rythm for a bit of time. And maybe I also want you out of the way, because this is a very embarrassing situation and if Sherlock ever finds out I will never hear the end of it. "I own quite a lot of it.", he said instead, "Fortunately, since I have to pay for Sherlock and myself." "Yeah, but- I mean, thank you. You're amazingly nice, Mycroft." Alright, this guy really needed to go. To the other end of the world, with no acess to Sherlock or any other person in any relation to Mycroft. He got his phone and did a quick FBI archive research to find out more about Robert's ex-wife. After reading that she was basically falling from one bad relationship into another, he sent Anthea a text telling her to bring a sum of money, half in pounds, half in dollars, to an abandoned train station in an hour. Robert stopped walking.

"We're here.", he said and pointed to the house in front of them. At the same time, Mycroft's phone began ringing.

[matchfindermatrimonyindia]

Union - the 2nd Time Around

My buddy sent me a wonderful image of him along with also his girl friend at an official dinner over a latest railroad they'd shot. I instantly text and said,"hello, did you have married, so that is clearly a significant film?" He reacted immediately saying his very first spouse had awakened up him so awful he was not likely to produce that error . Twenty and years of union and 3 children later on, he'd become sour and tempered with his own marriage. Wow, the number of times I've heard such a response in men that are currently"gun-shy" because of having an unsuccessful first union.

 Only a concise desktop, due to the fact I am obviously an alternative state of mind. I feel that God as our Creator, developed us relationships. So exceptional because we all have been, like Noah's Ark,'' he's trained us to become paired together with all our partner. He says in the Bible book of Genesis,"that it isn't fantastic for man to be lonely " Well this really does not mean, either shacking upward or alive with them. This indicates people as adult males want life spouses - wives. I did not wed before my thirty's and suffered a very disappointing and challenging union for just fifteen decades ago If that union ended in divorce,'' I chose to focus . Acknowledging it required the 2 folks wreck this item, '' I could not put all of the blame in her own feet. Therefore, I lasted using counseling, covering places in my personal own life which could make me a excellent candidate to get the second spouse. Yes, even I always understood there are no upcoming Mrs. within my own life. I started to get ready yourself by asking issues I would desire adequate replies to. I retained my heart available and open, perhaps not becoming scrutinized or sour based in the neglected practical experience. After all, dang, everybody cares in a certain location or the other. Jordan has overlooked a game tying or winning jump shooter. The optimal/optimally quarterback in soccer yells in complete in your event. I am no more fighter wins each and every struggle . Thus, a divorce wasn't the ending of the world like I recognized it. This had been a chance to choose what I've observed and heard and also make my second and past union the maximum thing . Therefore when my cousin exclaims he could be"gun-shy" that I am aware there are areas within my entire own life along with also his girl friend's life they aren't inclined to handle to create this trip farther down the aisle. Way of thinking, in everything you're confronting is massive. It can pick lose or win. In this phase of the game known as existence, '' I really don't have to miss. Make an agenda, abide by it, then implement it and also take pleasure in the spoils of triumph Indian matrimony .

 But, you will find a number of severe things to think about whenever you're determining to wed the next time approximately. The Following are Just Two or Three Essential Details:

 Inch. Is there any minor kids concerned? Inside my circumstance I had just two kiddies. One-over age of 18 and outside, but the moment a teen aged boy that chose to reside together with me whole moment. Thus, when studying the long run Mrs., imagine when she gets kiddies? Just how many kiddies? Exactly what will be those ages? Can we enjoy every other kiddies? Imagine should the youngsters do not enjoy me or her? WOW!

 2. Where your home is or might really like to reside Are you currently flexible in proceeding or moving? I've got a companion who's remodeled his home and also appreciates the relaxation of this and can't view himself living somewhere else. His girl friend resides about 1.5 hrs off, comes with a gorgeous household and can't imagine living out there. He explained personally,"I am not leaving my home plus that I convinced is not leaving hers, therefore we have been kinda trapped " Yes, even I'd say . Do you believe that this?

 3. The degree of engagement in one's prior wife or husband - In certain regions, that really is named,"Baby Momma Drama." Much decide Judy has chased this term one or two times on her television series, soliciting laughs by the crowd mainly because she regularly times would be that the epitome of the"square" as it regards by using such a lingo. Nevertheless, will the prior spouse B-ring or make"created for television play?" No additional potential wife will need to handle that kind of behaviour to become using a person. Effectively, no actual fantastic second and past wife . As my daughter regularly claims,"ai not everyone got enough time for it know more! "

 4. Finances - Tremendous, as the divorce are you regained financially at which you aren't going to have an encumbrance over the following Mrs.? In case that has been an subject of concern, why have these are as given that been tackled satisfactorily? Just take a close look in finances, the next time round you are interested in being on business floor. Perhaps not attempting to re build out of scratch. But in the event that you're in scratch, then be certain that you convey it to another location Mrs., do not attempt in order to avert, hide or directly up lie in your fiscal circumstance. It might subsequently come to be a"deal-breaker."

 The above mentioned listed aspects of fear may break or make up a union independently, aside from some of these combined jointly. Since you regard union the 2nd time round, contemplate those regions of significant maintenance as well as consideration. After I badly contemplated quitting another Mrs., we carried each of the difficulties and spoke them through over and repeatedly. Until finally we attained substantial arrangement in not exactly 95 percent of the regions that involved us those are as we believed compelled our previous unions to crumble. As we switched this corner, then I hurried off into this courthouse and also found I had wed my best good friend. Discussing most of the regions of worry (our flaws ) subjected us into a another to this sort of amounts we had not experienced previously. Aside from my advisor and yet one truly dear and close buddy, my upcoming wife realized more concerning my defects and fractures compared to anybody else on Earth. From the moment we married, she understood me far better than that I realized myself and that there is not anything that I had been unsure or fearful to talk together with her. We eventually became exposed to another. Trusting eachother having matters that we mightn't dare talk with anybody. I had been risk-free, '' she had been safe and sound. FinallyI really could expect her with my own heart. This delicate and sensitive and painful item we all struggle so difficult to safeguard, shield and shield. I can trust , she can expect in me. Practically nothing left to express"I Would."

 https://www.google.com/maps/place/Matchfinder.in+Marriage+Bureau/@17.4849423,78.3833408,14z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x0:0x2f09219b0261c7c9!8m2!3d17.484445!4d78.3807471

[thelovers-thedreamers-and-me]

a work of art known to me as “you do know he’s not fucking wearing that, right?”

i’m gonna put most of this fuck squad recap behind a cut because this session we started recording it and just the notes i took while listening to the recording cover 4 dang pages. this was a fun one, though, with plenty of saida shenanigans and one (1) fantastic name generator example. so, like, if you want more fuck squad content, good news, i guess

“Oh my god I think I have father issues.” “[singing] Welcome to the fuck squad!”

Llydor Philkirk, the resort owner, confronts Saida about the prank Yoni pulled, and somehow Saida manages to convince him that she’s innocent. 

Saida: “Phil... philkirk, phil spector”

Llydor Philkirk: “Be sure to be professional with the suspects.” Saida: “PROFESSIONAL WITH MY DIIIICK”

“Yoni, you wake up-” “Ugh, Not again.”

Maddela: “I get belgian waffles. Fantasy belgian waffles.” “From the neighbouring kingdom of Belgia”

Sergei: “She can teleport, what the frick!” Saida: “She obviously killed everyone. Let’s frame my ex.”

I had to try and figure out how long it takes to make creme brulee off the top of my head. Thanks for that, guys.

“Ladies who brunch, the RPG”

Saida: “Oh my god, I knew you fucked him, because we’re 12 and that’s SOOO scandalous!”

As the Fuck Squad got brunch, we had to put the game on pause because Saida’s husband was delivering more wine to us.

Saida: “He ran the criminal empire. I was directly under him, in both rank and sort of personage....” Rhonia: “Like a fake fantasy pyramid scheme!”

We had a long discussion about whether Tarand wanted to turn Saida into a vampire somehow.

Saida: “I did what any rational woman would do- I took all my jewelry, I didn’t say anything, and I ran.”

Saida: “You can’t kill someone when it’s true love.” Sergei: “didn’t you kill your husband?” Saida: “That was different.”

Saida: “The point is, I used to have everything, but now I have nothing, and I think I made bad choices.” Yoni: “You have us! So yes.”

Saida: “I’m having a lot of feelings seeing him again!” Sergei: “SO ABOUT THIS MURDER”

Saida: “PRO-BLE-MAT-IC. That’s four claps. It’s a big word.”

“Roll to hug.” Sergei: “What do I roll for that?” The beard: “What are the grappling rules in pathfinder?” Me: “We’re not bringing up the fucking grappling rules. We don’t say those words in this house.”

“Roll to grab Sergei’s junk.” Saida: “ABSOLUTELY NOT! Junk grabbing is what got me into this mess! That and fucking my boss.”

Sergei: “I have a great idea! How about if I talk with birds.” Saida: “Can’t be worse than what’s happening right now.”

We then have a solid ten minutes of everyone at the table just mocking Tarand for eating breakfast.

Saida: “Who do you think you are, Dr. Phil?”

Tarand: “It was rude of you [to douse my sex partner in garbage water]” Yoni: “But it’s not rude for you to walk up to our brunch table?”

Saida: “Are your ears broken?” Yoni: “maybe they’re filled with garbage water.”

Yoni: “Oh my god we should all get levels in bard for this!”

“Roll stealth to do bunny ears behind his head.” 

Maddela got caught doing bunny ears behind Tarand’s head.

Rhonia: “He might have wanted to commit-” Saida: “I heard he wanted to kill me” “That’s a commitment.”

“If you’re afraid of dying, have you heard the good word about Desna?”

Saida: “I’m getting closure, would you like to go back to making fun of him?” Sergei: “Yes, that was a lot more fun!”

Saida: “So apparently I’ll meet you at 7 and Yoni invites you to pull the stick out of your butt.”

Yoni: “I’m gonna do a heal check to see if you have elf syphilis.”

Apparently this is fucking FATAL now because Yoni gives Saida a full gynecological exam.

“Jesus christ, yoni, this is taking so long, and at this point you are just rummaging in there!”

“You know even if I want to fuck Tarand you just destroyed my down-below.” Sergei: “She’s still got two hands.”

“We know you’re straight, Saida. No need to rub it in our faces. No need to parade it around town.”

“Almost like I’m a GM who prepared.”

Saida: “I’m wearing a chic trail walking outfit.” “Where did you get it?” “Fantasy MEC? I dunno, I stopped into the hotel gift shop.” “How much did you pay for it?” “Iunno, a dollar?” “YOU DON’T HAVE THOSE”

Saida: “What should I wear to go meet tarand?” Sergei: “Something slutty. But not too slutty.” Me: “I feel like this murder mystery has gone off the rails a bit.”

Sergei: “I’ll roll perception. I roll literally a 1.” “You walk into a tree.” Saida: “I’ll roll. I roll a 2.” “You almost walk into the same tree that Sergei walked into but see him walk into it and stop.” Rhonia: “I also rolled a 2.” “You also walk almost into that same tree.” Saida: “We shouldn’t have had all those mimosas at brunch.”

Rhonia: “Would a bird know what kidnapping is?” “The eternal question- what do birds know?”

Sergei casts Commune With Birds using his magic pants, and we all do some expert bird calls that were good things to listen to with my ears. Turns out that the last person to see Laurelia alive was quite possibly Sprit the gnome. 

“Birds, man. They know shit.”

They make a list of things to ask Tarand on Saida’s date with him that Saida just never asks him at all. 

“I think Rhonia will interview the staff.” “So you’re interviewing people instead of just fucking around and doing fuckshit all. One sec, gotta scroll down to that point in my notes.” Sergei: “Oh, she’s going down, like, seven pages.”

Rhonia orders the charcuterie for 21 and a half and offers it to servants who are willing to speak with her about the case, while Sergei and Saida throw a cocktail party in the next room over. They have a yelling fight about it, in which Rhonia yells at Sergei for patronizing her.

Sergei: “I feel so bitchy!” “That’s cause y’all are BITCHES.”

Sergei: “Dude, you can’t have interviews with people in your jammies.” Rhonia: “I CAN and I WILL!”

Rhonia interviews Remardt the dwarf, who reveals that Sprit’s been working at the Philkirk for a long time because she has magic inclinations and that means she’s able to use the magic items they use to be a really good bellhop. 

“Stop making dick jokes in the next room, you’re ruining the audio! I’ll listen to this later and wonder what the fuck is wrong with my friends.”

“sprit’s an eldritch horror!”

Rhonia: “She plays pranks?” “Yeah, she prays planks. She planks. Welcome to 2014!”

Sergei rolls another 1 on perception so he can’t listen in.

Saida: “This is the best cocktail party.” Sergei: “I think it’s just us getting drunk in our room. With SNAAACKS.”

“You’re not monitoring my drinking as closely as you thought you were.”

Llydor: “Would you like to come in? It’s relevant to the case.” Saida: “YES. Also we were just having a cocktail party and we are half in the bag.” Llydor: “Good. You’ll be about as useful as you usually are.” Sergei: “Hey. I have commune with birds.” Saida: “And I have commune with my ex-boyfriend.”

Turns out there’s been another victim, whose body was found in the river.

“The victim was a woman named Shareena.” Rhonia: “It’s tarand’s girlfriend!” Saida: “The garbage water lady! His garbage wife!”

Saida: “WE GOTTA GO WE GOTTA GO WE GOTTA GO We’re still half in the bag.” “This is a great murder investigation.”

Saida: “I’m gonna talk to Tarand and make him confess with my vagina.”

Upon arriving at the crime scene, the first thing Saida does is mock the new murder victim over her dead body by making high-pitched noises. 

Sergei: “I’m gonna make a heal check-” Yoni and Saida: “She dead!”

“I’m not gonna say I spent a whole lot of time trying to reverse engineer forensic investigation into this system, but....”

Saida: “I’m gonna roll knowledge nature. I’m gonna faaaaaaaaail I rolled a natural 20 bitches!”

“So for all of you who rolled real well on their knowledge nature checks- which is all of you except THIS BITCH.”

“Fantasy-S-I!”

“We gotta find that boyfriend. But first I’m gonna talk to birds.”

Saida: “ I roll perception... Ohhhh.... critical one......” “You don’t know if she’s dead.”

“There is a torn scrap of paper in a nearby bush.” Sergei: “Oh. Bushpaper.”

Saida: “Yoni, want to go steal everything that’s not nailed down?” Llydor gives you a weird look.But he rolls a natural 1 on his sense motive so he’s tricked int thinking this is just a game you play.

Yoni: “Hey Doctor Phil, you have any necromancers on staff?” “That’s not my name, and no, we don’t have any fucking resort necromancers, what kinda joint you think this is?”

Saida: “Hey Rhonia, can you make me a list of questions to ask Tarand?” “I love how you guys are just all relying on Heather as the one person who takes notes, right?” Sergei: “This investigation is going so super well!”

Saida: “Bitches bitches bitches listen. And Sergei. Sergei, are you okay being a bitch? Okay. Bitches bitches bitches listen. I’m gonna ask Tarand tonight. Take his spellbook. Wait, no, that’d be weird. I’m gonna fuck him and take his spellbook. Good plan. That’s what I should do.”

Saida: “Can we see who cast it? Is it like an IP address? I’m gonna roll perception.” “The DC is 15 plus the spell level. You didn’t make it. You didn’t make it. Everyone gets bees! You brought in Dr Phil so now I’m Oprah.”

Saida: “Alright so hold on. We got a new dead bitch in the river.” Llydor: “It would be nice if you didn’t call the murder victim a bitch.” 

 Yoni: “We’re gonna go back to your hotel and eat and drink your shit until you get a necromancer.” 

The next step in this murder investigation is getting full nude and going to the hot springs. Of course.

“You’re outside the resort so she doesn’t come when you snap your fingers. Unlike in the resort when she DOES come when yoni snaps her fingers. EYYYYYY. Why do you let me GM for you?” 

They question Sprit while Sergei and Saida discuss swinging with each other. Loudly. Next to the mic.

“Everyone’s really drunk, welcome to the fuck squaaaaaad!”

Saida: “Reaper, I respect your monogamous relationship but I am gonna objectify Sergei heavily.” Reaper: “HARD SAME. We got something in common.”

Saida: “We gotta get me all skanked up. And I’m gonna sober up for, like, tennnnnn minutes.”

Saida goes on her date with Tarand with Sergei and Yoni at the next table “Like the moms on toddlers and tiaras doing the dance along with the kids” to coach her through a power pose.

Meanwhile, Maddela is breaking into Tarand’s room because she cares about solving the mystery. Weird.

Tarand: “When you left I was a little bit... taken aback.” Sergei: “Taken aback- that’s DILF-speak for crying in his cheerios.”

Saida uses her gauntlet of memories to punch Tarand and see a memory of his. (This is technically assault.)

Saida: “Wow, that makes me sound real bad.” “I WONDER WHYYYYY”

[in tarand’s memory.] “You pull a small square box out of your pocket, and you look at it. You sigh. You put it back in your pocket.” Yoni: “It’s probably poison!”

“Saida, if you must know... It was a ring. I was... Interested in you. But Now....” Saida: “You’re more interested! Because I’m a woman of mystery!”

Saida rolls sense motive, gets a 3, thinks he’s totally more into her.

Sergei is singing I Will Always Love You from the booth behind them.

What is this game

“I moved on, Saida. After you left.” Saida: “BOOOOOOOO.”

Saida: “So, once more for old time’s sake.” “Absolutely not.” Saida: “I think so.” “I don’t think so.”

[After emotional conversation where Saida gets rejected sexually] Saida: “Oh by the way that chick you banged is dead. I hair flip and walk away.”

Tarand now thinks Saida killed his girlfriend. For some reason. Sergei, Yoni, and Saida proceed to laugh about it loudly at the next table over.

Saida: “I’ve had a lot to drink and I’m very angry.” “In character, or...”

Saida: “We should go to another bar, this one sucks and is full of shit. Also we just cussed out that man and I think we should leave.” Sergei and Yoni: “We????”

Maddela: “So how long was that whole exchange?” “Painfully. Painfully long. You have SO MUCH TIME.”

Maddela breaks into the room and hears that Tarand’s boyfriend is in the shower. She goes through Tarand’s shit and I have to decide what he has.

Rhonia: “Are you gonna poison the sex toys because I feel like you should poison the sex toys.” Maddela: “.... I do have itching powder.....”

In a startling display of common sense, Maddela ignores the call to up the fucking prank game.She takes the first sheet from the notepad and does a rubbing to read what he was writing. There’s a lot of shit to Saida, but the last one is to Shareena, thanking her for services and pointing her to a tip.

Saida: “Can I get him drunk and try to fuck him?” Rhonia: “You missed your chance.” Saida: “That’s a long word.” “It’s three short words.”

Saida: I’m gonna show up hammered at his room later. Last time I was sober. This time I’m gonna be hammered and belligerent.”

Rhonia: “Bobbie had to pull all this shit out of her butt right now so be gentle!” “Yeah, I wasn’t expecting you to actually do some CSI shit.”

Maddela lies and says there wasn’t anything about Saida in there. Saida rolls well on sense motive, but Maddela gets a nat20 on her bluff check so Saida suspects nothing.

“Does anyone have roofies?” “I have drow poison.” “Oh, that’s perfect.”

Saida goes up to bug Tarand.

“I thought I made it clear that it’s over between us.” Saida: “Even if it’s over we can still fuck.” Sergei: “I love this game.”

Sergei: “Stick your tongue in his mouth!” “That is gonna be a roll of some sort!”

He closes the door on Saida because she’s being a sex pest.

Saida: “Your boyfriend’s hot!” “That’s why I’m in here with him instead of out there with you!” 

Sergei: “SET FIRE TO THE DOOR”

Saida: “I knock again and say Please let me in before I set fire to the fuckin’ door.” “Saida, you’re drunk.” Saida: “You’re drunk!” “I haven’t had a drink all day. Well, I had one appletini but that’s not a real drink.”

“Do you want to use a spell?” Saida: “How about Anticipate Peril?” Sergei: “Girl, you’re in danger!” “In danger of not getting dicked tonight!”

After a long discussion of whether Saida can burn down the door or electrify the doorknob as a prank- “Why is my party like this? I have done nothing in my life!” Sergei: “You mean why is Saida like this?” Saida: “Hey whoa now!” Sergei: “I’m just an enabler!”

After a few minutes discussing whether what Saida did was harassment. (It was.) Sergei, Saida, Maddela and Reaper go to the Hidden Serpent. Rhonia stays in the hot tub. We roll to see if there are any hot guys at the bar. There aren’t. Any average guys? There are a couple of elf 4s. 

 Saida: “I walk over and I’m pretty sultry about it. And in the actual way, not the shitty way I usually am.” “You are usually pretty shitty.”

Saida: “You’re lookin’ good.” “Thanks, you are too.” Saida: “What’s your name?” “My name is...”

God I love random name generators.

Enro Monsterblower refuses to be referred to by his first name only. He works running the roller coaster. He gives everyone a roller coaster ride and then bangs Saida. 

“He gets a natural 20 so he’s real good at sex. You roll a 17 so you’re okay but you’re not as good as Enro Monsterblower.” Rhonia: “Nobody is.”

“It’s not, like, a really good roller coaster because technology hasn’t been invented yet, but you don’t have anything to compare it to so you think it’s pretty dope. Better than anything you’ve ever experienced on the roller coaster front.” Yoni: “That being said, it’s shit.”

Maddela takes home a hot babe who I didn’t manage to name.

Then they wake up, and a huge blizzard has hit overnight, and now they’re snowed in.

“Well, only one thing to do now, Monsterblower, and thaaaat’s fuck.”

“Also the murderer is gonna cause people to die.” Saida: “Not if I murder everyone first!”

[jocelynbass1991]

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