#i mean its not really important or anything but like if nutmeg is gonna be a noncharacter from an app thats inaccurate otherwise

[yuridovewing]

warriors making things needlessly contrived is so strange. there's no reason why the nutmeg that's listed in the allegiances in tallstar's revenge should be different from the nutmeg thats firestar's mom

[valkyrieofsmut]

Captive Love   5

UF!Sans x Reader (or Frisk if you wanna)

Summary: (Y/n)'s day at the skelebro's house, Sans' day out.

A/N: So, in this chapter, we find out that (Y/n)'s soul trait is integrity; honesty and strong morals. The only problem with having integrity as a main soul trate is that, because you're so honest, even if you don't want to trust people, you can have the tendency to believe people easier, because you expect others to mean what they say as much as you do. Even extremely smart beings with the trait can second guess their instincts or have them overwritten because the person lying is someone they (want to) trust or have positive feelings about/ for. Based on the note... can you guess what's going to happen in this chapter... lol Also, sorry, guys! I kept trying to get this to post all day, but I guess that tumblr hates long posts...? Or me... Might just be me... lol.

Masterlist      Series Masterlist

Story

Little lies never hurt anyone.

Sans leaned on the counter of the odd and ends shop, though it should rightfully be called a thrift shop, since most of its contents had come from other people and not “sources” like a normal store. 

“You got a friend you’re buyin’ all this stuff for?” The bunny on the other side asked suggestively. 

Sans gave her a smirk. “what’d make ya think that?” 

“Well, you haven’t flirted with me once since you walked in the door,” she hinted. 

“ah, sorry, doll. jus’ a lil distracted fer a sec, thinkin’ a comin’ in... did ya want ta hop on th’ sans express an’ ride it ta th’ bone zone?” He asked with a heavy handed lewdness. 

Honestly, he’d rather spend the time with his sweetheart, but he had to keep up appearances so that no one got suspicious. 

Plus, awkward sexual tension filled innuendos were easier to deal in than talking about feelings and shit.

The bunny gave a giggle and continued to lean over the counter toward him instead of going to get his requested items. “Still as charming as ever, I see.” 

Sans flashed his smirk again. “so, can i get my stuff?” 

The bunny giggled again and with a wiggle of tail asked, “so, does that mean that you’re thinking of getting a pet? Going to go out and take one?” 

He let out an annoyed sound. “can i jus’ get my fuckin' stuff?” 

She looked a little startled by the suddenness of the change, but took it in stride as it wasn’t really so strange for the former Underground citizens to be testy, and turned to go to the back. 

"So," the bunny’s brother asked as he brought the requested items out a moment later, "you gonna wear these, then?" 

Sans sneered at him. "you wish ya freak." 

"A little too much denial…?" The bunny suggested with a smirk. 

Sans gave a disgusted face. "go fuck yerself." He turned, flicking his fingers and letting his magic tug on the piles of stuff on the shelves above the bunny's head. "get dunked on, ya ass hat," he called back over his shoulder.

.

“aww, ya ain’t seen nothin’ at all?” Sans asked with a suggestive grin to the small cluster of spider ladies selling their baked goods in the corner of the bar. "'s a human, hard ta miss..."

“Ooooh, no,” one hummed.

“No, not anything… Do you wanna buy a croissant, Sans? It tastes soooo good with mustard…” another tempted. 

“heh. ‘d rather have somethin' a lil sweeter on my tongue,” he insinuated, thinking of (Y/n) at home, spread across his bed, his tongue tasting all sorts of things… 

Drool was slowly pooling between his sharp teeth, and he quickly wiped it, giving an internal groan at how fast his cock had risen to attention at the thought. 

He needed to get with his sweetheart quick, even just enough to curb the appetite growing inside of him. 

The spider girls giggling brought him back to the present. He flashed a grin and went to the bar, getting a mustard to drink as he continued around, checking everyone for info. 

After the rest of his rounds, he headed to his last few information gathering contacts. The ones he knew couldn't keep their mouths shut. 

.

(Y/n) didn’t know what to do. She was stuck in this house, not able to leave, not much to do, nowhere to go. 

Sans’ room was messy, her clothes were dirty, it wasn’t even lunch time… 

First, she went to the bathroom and washed her clothes in the tub the best she could, cleaning herself as much as possible in the process, hanging them to dry so she could have something clean to go home in. 

Then, she went back to Sans’ room, looking around. She couldn’t read any of the books on the shelf, seeing that the words were all written in a strange sort of glyph, and remembered that Sans had told her he couldn't read human language, but as she put all the books on the shelves, she saw the covers had various strange pictures, outerspace, numbers, shapes, most of them looked like school books, but, like they’d be for some advanced courses. She flipped through the pages of a few of them and saw all sorts of charts and formulas that looked reminiscent of something she’d seen on a tv show with Neil deGrasse Tyson as the host. Very smart… and science-y… 

(Y/n) put them on the shelves, trying to keep them together as best she could. Some of the books were obviously not… string theory… or whatever the hell the others were… but, novels or something, a few of them she had only a vague idea, having to make a guess that one with a simple cover of a monster laughing at a casket and a crowd laughing at the two was either a black comedy novel, or a book of dark jokes. 

She leaned toward the dark jokes. 

Under his desk, she found a folded up paper and opened it, trying to see if it was important, though she'd really have no idea, and saw that it looked like some sort of congratulatory certificate. High school diploma, maybe? 

After she got everything sorted, she tried to put it with other things that looked the same. 

She went out into the rest of the house and found a garbage can under the extra tall sink cabinet, and took it up Sans' room, only throwing away things that were obviously trash; food wrappers, crumpled up bits of paper, other strange little things that might have been dried lava, or eternally frozen snow… any way, they were things that looked like they had fallen from his shoes. 

When she took the garbage can back down, she found something that looked like it might be a vacuum, and she looked at it, turning it around and pressing the buttons to see how they worked without any power, before sticking it back in the closet and pulling out the broom and dust pan. 

Sweeping was better than nothing… and also better than blowing up the house. 

The next task (Y/n) tackled was sorting out the laundry, though she couldn’t find any washer or dryer to clean them in. Maybe they made laundromat trips? 

After that she figured it was about lunch time, so she dug through the fridge and ate a small portion of the lasagna from the night before. It wasn’t the worst she’d ever had, but it was far from the best. Maybe if she hid some of the spices he’d used that should have stayed out of the mix, like sage, paprika, cinnamon, nutmeg… really, she thought maybe he’d just put some of everything in the spice rack in there. 

She tried turning on the tv and entertaining herself, but the only channels they seemed to get all had the same robotic actor on them, overdramatically giving monologues, "hosting" or cooking things- awful things… that’s probably where Sans’ brother had gotten the recipe for the lasagna… 

She turned it back off, and decided to look through the windows to try to get an idea of the area she was in. Knowing that she was at least supposedly in danger, and most likely truly could be, she only peeped from the edges of the window for the first few minutes, but after noticing that there didn't seem to be anyone or anything outside but tall grass and flowers, she just looked through it normally. 

I thought they said we were in monster territory…? 

(Y/n) put a hand over her face. What if they were all the way on the other side of the monster territory? She certainly couldn't find any landmarks that looked familiar, and the tall buildings usually on the horizon seemed to be missing. 

Only more support for her 'Sans is actually a nice, though perverted, guy' theory… 

She sighed and decided to go look out the windows in Sans' room, thinking that maybe she'd see something familiar from higher up. 

(Y/n) was standing at the window, wondering what kind of flowers were in the field, when the door opened. She, of course, expected it to be Sans, this being his room and all, but the blood drained from her face was she saw the tall skeleton in the doorway. 

"HUMAN, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD PROBABLY GET HUNGRY, AND I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE ABLE TO FEND FOR YOURSELF," he shouted, sounding extremely put upon. "AND I KNEW SANS WOULD BE TOO LAZY TO REMEMBER TO FEED YOU, SO I- WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?" He asked suspiciously, cutting himself off before getting to his point about how much of a hassle it would be if she died from starvation.  

Her color had gotten paler when she'd seen him, and her eyes had started darting around the room, as though taking stock of what she could use as a weapon. Papyrus automatically did a check and found that not only did she have a blue soul, denoting her strong integrity, but it seemed to have a bit of a purple glow around the edges showing her perseverance, looking a bit like blue velvet; blue, but purple in the shadows caused by the texture, and she had an extremely low LOVE, around that of a child's, and was surprised that her desire to find a weapon went so against her stats. 

It must be a survival tactic, then. Probably to defend against any oncoming attacks.

She posed no threat to him, but he applauded her instinct to be ready to fight if necessary. 

She swallowed harshly and managed to rasp out a broken whisper. "Loo-n-  ou-si-." She pointed out the window to try to help him understand what she was saying. 

He seemed to have dismissed her, though, looking around the room. "OH MY GOD!!" 

She jumped at his exclamation. Did she do something wrong by cleaning? 

"THIS IS THE CLEANEST I'VE SEEN MY LAZY BROTHER'S ROOM SINCE WE MOVED IN!! BUT, WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THE LAUNDRY? IT'S JUST SITTING HERE IN PILES." 

"C-ou-... cou-n't fi-d," she rasped, shaking her head nervously apologetic. Her hand went to her throat, and the way she winced showed how hard on her throat just getting that much out was. 

Papyrus hummed, his fingers lifting to his chin. It would make sense that she wouldn't wash them if she couldn't find anything to do it with. "FEAR NOT, HUMAN! I, THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS, WILL SHOW YOU WHERE THE WASHING MACHINE IS! AND HOW TO USE IT!!" 

(Y/n) opened her mouth to object that she did know how a washer worked, but it didn't matter, because he had just turned and started out the door with, "COME, HUMAN, AND BRING A PILE OF LAUNDRY!!" 

After having the instructions on how to use the machine yelled at her, for no particular reason, she was glad that it had been Sans that had found her, and that Papyrus had only come to check on her and would be leaving soon. She didn’t know how long she’d be able to stay in his presence without constantly being on the edge of a panic attack. 

When she came back into the front room from where the laundry room was, behind a hidden door in the kitchen, Papyrus was standing a little awkwardly near the door. 

"W-WELL… I CAN'T SPEND ALL DAY MAKING SURE THAT YOU DON'T DIE! I HAVE TO GO! …" He stood silently for another moment, then announced, "I'M GOING." 

(Y/n) gave a smile and waved, the most she could do without hurting her throat further or risking offending him, and had to hold back a laugh as the start of a red glow touched his cheeks and he looked flustered for a millisecond before he gave a tug to straighten his outfit before he turned and walked out through the door. 

After Papyrus left, (Y/n) mostly just hung around and did laundry, looking through things, but not finding much for her to do until she found a deck of cards, then she sat on the floor and played solitaire, pausing only when the laundry was done, to fold it and put it on the desk chair, not wanting to dig around in Sans’ drawers. 

He was a guy… guys had… stuff … that she’d rather not stumble across… especially due to the strange things that had apparently turned him on before. Also, being a skeleton monster made him different from every other guy she'd known, and the thought of finding super weird fetish stuff that she'd inevitably be morbidly curious about gave her pause. 

She wasn't a "freak" but… curiosity was something that had gotten the better of her before, and some things in life, you just didn't need to know. 

.

(Y/n) had finished the few loads of laundry, folded them, and turned to just playing card games by herself on Sans’ bed by the time the door opened and Sans walked in, looking tired and sweating a weird sort of translucent, but red tinged, perspiration. 

He stepped in and closed the door behind him before looking up, but then froze in place and swept his shocked and slightly horrified gaze around the room. 

For the second time that day, she wondered if she'd done something wrong by cleaning Sans' room. 

He stiffly walked to the chair and pushed the laundry off onto the floor. 

(Y/n) made an indignant noise from the bed, but heard him mutter, "too clean…" 

Ahh, so he's one of those people who need a little disorder to feel comfortable , she noted, feeling the anxiety leaving her as he tossed his coat on the chair and turned to her. 

He smiled and lifted a bag onto the bed. "i, uh- i uh- gotcha some stuff…" His expression shifted to that angry sort of flustered look he'd had before, paying close attention to how his other hand was fiddling with the edge of his red sweater. "somethin' ta wear, s-so ya don't have ta keep wearin' dirty clothes…" 

Sans glanced over at her and felt another pang in his chest at the beautiful smile she was giving him. 

fuck-! so adorable! an'... why d'i feel disappointed that she's not wearing my clothes, now?  

(Y/n) smiled at him, mouthing thank you . She hesitated before nervousness seemed to grow over her a little and her gaze focused on the bed. 

“wassup, sweetheart?” He asks, feeling a bit nervous about what was on her mind. 

She gestured, asking, can I go home? She immediately winced and glanced up at him then back to the bed, as though she were worried he was going to hit her. 

Sans felt his soul throb painfully at the thought of her leaving, and his hand automatically went to it. He realized what he was doing, and changed the movement to scratching his sternum through his sweater. Luckily, he had a reason for her to stay. He move the bag onto the floor, then sat on the mattress and laid back with his shoulders about even with her, making himself comfortable as he told her, “i talked ta alla my contacts, an’ it sounds like no one knows ‘xactly where ya are, but they definitely know that there’s a human on monster turf.” 

Her brow dipped in confusion and she asked, how?  

Sans shrugged as he put his arms behind his head, his fingers running over a crack on the back of his skull. “dunno fer sure-” ok, it might have been from his asking so blatantly if anyone had seen a human around- “but i hadda getcha here somehow. coulda jus’ been spotted on th’ way. tough luck, but, should be good in two or three days. ‘f we wait fer three, they’ll most likely ferget ta be lookin’ fer ya.” 

(Y/n) eyed him, and he was glad that he’d already been sweating so that she hopefully didn’t notice the fresh round of perspiration beading on his skull. Finally, she seemed to accept it, and he let out an internal sigh of relief. 

“so, you, uh, ya have an ok day?” She gave a half nod half shrug. “noticed ya cleaned up ‘round here… an’ i appreciate th’ thought behind it, sweetheart, ‘s real sweet a ya, but, i gotta ask ya; please don’t. kinda wigs me out when ‘s too clean. like it’s a fake fuckin’ storybook,” he muttered. 

She put a hand on his arm, and it felt like Sans’ soul tumbled around his rib cage. He looked up to see the apologetic look on her face. Sorry...

Apologies? Yeah… Those were something that never happened in the Underground. 

In a kill or be killed world, any sign of niceness was seen as a form of weakness, so niceties had been dropped long ago. 

The way his sweetheart was so nice, showing kindness and caring was definitely something he liked about her, but… it also made him uncomfortable. 

Sans would never turn away from her for her weakness, he wanted to protect her, keep her with him and safe. But… he didn't know how to react to this kindness. So he again took it to a place he was more comfortable with. 

“ah, dollface, don’t worry ‘bout it…” He turned and his thumb went out to run down her cheek, trying not to let the tiny flinch get to him. “if it’d make ya feel better, i know somthin’ ya could do ta make it up ta me…” He gave her a smirky grin and took his hand back, putting a fingertip on his cheek. “how ‘bouta kiss?” He watched her gaze turn wary, her body stiffening like she was getting ready to bolt. 

False, flirty affection and innuendo was so much easier to handle than real affection, even if he wanted her affection like a starving man wanted food. It seemed, though, that she knew how to take flirting about as well as he knew how to take a compliment, so he again changed directions.

 “kiddin’- ‘m kiddin’, doll,” he assured quickly, feeling a prick of pain in his soul. He was not kidding. He'd probably do anything to get her to willingly kiss him again. “heya, knock knock.”

She looked at him uncertainly, but lifted a brow and tilted her head. Who’s there?  

“sherlock,” he told her, watching as she puzzled over it. 

Sherlock who…? Seemed to be what she asked with her confused expression after a moment. 

“ sherlock yer door tight, sweetheart,” he told her, watching as her eyes closed as she took it in, then her posture changed as she silently chuckled. 

Sans’ smile widened in satisfaction that she enjoyed his joke. “knock knock, doll.”

She lifted her brow to ask who's there, but it was the cute little smile on her face that made his soul throb. 

“mustache,” he told her, watching her expression contort in confusion. 

Mustache? Can skeleton monsters even grow mustaches? What the hell? She thought and tilted her head inquiringly.

“ mustache ya a question, but i’ll shave it fer later,” he told her with a blow off expression, watching her giggle as squeaks and huffs left her. 

There… that adorable expression on her face was a much better look than her being worried that he was going to do something unpleasant to her. Even if the worry was justifiable, given his track record concerning her… 

He just watched her giggling for a moment, red spreading over the bridge of his nose. 

She tapped her hand to his arm and managed to ask, you know a lot of knock knock jokes?  

“knock knock,” he told her in answer, and she lifted a brow immediately in question. “rhino,” he told her. 

Oh, this one had to be good. She tilted her head and lifted her brow again. 

“ rhino every knock knock joke there is,” he told her, his grin getting a bit goofier at her reaction. Stars she was cute! “so, what else d’ja do?”

(Y/n) wondered if it was something normal for monsters to talk so comfortably with someone they’d only really just met the day before. It really seemed like some ideal relationship situation from some rom-com; he got home from work, told her about his day, asked about hers… The only thing missing was an actual relationship…

She masked the feelings her internal musings brought up with the ease of practice and gestured around the room. She was good at ‘don’t rock the boat.’ 

“jus’ this, huh?” He asked and she nodded before pointing at the cards, indicating that she'd also played cards. “sounds like a  good day ta me, but maybe ‘m jus’ lazy,” he said as he closed his eye sockets. A contented smile tilting his normal grin up. “‘m gonna try ta get a nap in before dinner. feel like joinin’ me?”

(Y/n) shook her head to answer him, knowing he could see her though his slightly open socket. 

“suit yerself, sweetheart,” he told her, shifting his shoulders as he got comfortable.

He seemed to almost immediately fall asleep, soft snores coming from him, and not even reacting when she’d waved her hand in front of his face. 

She went back to her card game, the weird feeling of being so comfortable around a strange man (one that had pushed her against the wall and basically rubbed against her, no less!) struck her as wrong, but she couldn't bring herself to be truly uncomfortable. 

Uneasy and worried from his actions sometimes? 

For sure. 

Uncomfortable? 

Nope. 

Something brushed against and down her back, laying against her butt. 

(Y/n) looked over her shoulder, seeing Sans' arm laid out behind her. She watched him closely, not wanting to miss any tell in his expression, but other than slightly rolling toward her, he still seemed asleep. 

She gave a doubtful glance, but it fell to the back of her mind as she continued her game. 

After a few minutes, she felt Sans rolling toward her more, his hand sliding over the bed, snaking over her thigh, wrapping around her waist and burying his face against her thigh. 

Oh, yeah. He's asleep, my ass, she mentally grumbled. 

She rolled her eyes and went back to her game, not entirely comfortable with this extent of touching, but she knew that some good friends got touchy and cuddled, so it wasn't some insanely strange concept to her, even if they weren't that close. 

Halfway through the next round of her game, (Y/n) felt Sans' arms tighten around her, and she looked down to see him rolling over onto his stomach, putting him on the cards and into her lap, his head awkwardly pressing against her. 

She tried to shift around to get rid of the discomfort of his skull pressing against her hip, and the weird kink he'd put in his neck vertebrae to do so. 

Of course, with all of her edging around his head, and their shifting around, she ended up laying back with him in her lap, his skull laying on her stomach. How could this end any other possible way with her luck?

Honestly, though, with all the terrible things he could possibly do to her, that she knew of and worried about, laying with his head on her stomach hadn't even made the list. 

She gave a shattered, huffing sigh that made her cough a little, but it cleared quickly. 

She kept herself ready in case she was going to have to defend herself from the skeleton, but folded her arms over her chest to feel like she had at least a little cover, and resigned herself to laying there until either he "woke up," or she had to convince him to move so she could use the bathroom. 

Sans tightened his arms around his sweetheart as she coughed, hating that he didn't have green magic to try and fix it instantly, but, thankfully, it quickly ended. 

He tried to be subtle, not wanting to give away that he was awake, but it was so hard when all he wanted to do was nuzzle into the soft squishiness of her belly. Especially when some of her squishiest bits were against his clavicle and were tempting him to rub against them… and give them a sniff…  

fuck- ya smell so fuckin' good, sweetheart… He mentally groaned to himself. 

(Y/n) shifted under him, but he didn't let it disturb him; he was an expert at pretending to sleep. 

"SANS-" 

The skeleton on her belly jumped at the loud voice, giving a grunt of surprise. 

"YOU BETTER BE DOWN HERE IN FIVE MINUTES TO EAT DINNER!!"

"paps, you fuckin' sonuvabitch," he grumbled to himself, not quite audible to (Y/n). 

"welp. dinner time, doll. you joinin' us downstairs 'gain t'night?" He asked as he sat up, not leaving the bed, or her pile of cards, but off of her. 

She gave him a nervous look, not wanting to be afraid, but also very afraid of the tall, loud skeleton downstairs. 

"aww, c'mon sweetheart, he ain't that bad. i mean, don't get me wrong, 'e's bad, but not that kind a bad." 

As strange as it was for her to trust anyone so quickly, his words kind of made her feel better about being in the same room as the taller skeleton.  

She followed him downstairs, deciding that she was misreading the look on his face and posture as content and proud, as though she trusted him to be her knight in a red sweater; it was probably just self confidence. 

God knew she'd never felt that much of it to know. 

Sans pulled out a chair for her, but instead of waiting to push her in, he sat in the chair next to it and shifted the seat, pulling it closer to him when she sat. 

(Y/n) would protest, but she really did feel safer being closer to him, and farther away from the other skeleton. 

He served her a small slice of lasagna, and she knew that it was because he knew it was going to taste awful, and he didn't want to stick her with too much to eat instead of a plot to starve her. 

It was a quiet dinner, much the same as the night before, with the toe of Sans' sneaker hitting the leg of her chair he was so close, and Papyrus giving her not at all hidden suspicious glares, as though he didn't think it was safe to hold a conversation in front of her. 

(Y/n) took another bite of the lasagna and hid her wince. 

She really should have hidden those spices earlier… 

A/N: Oh Sans... there's a difference between telling Paps that he's an amazing cook and telling (Y/n) she has to stay there because there's no possible way she can get home. Also, I recently got a message from someone who had made fanart of another story I wrote and asked if I wanted to see it- uh, fuck yeah, I do! You kidding?! You were inspired by something I wrote?! I'm gonna fangirl... I love it even more because I can't draw... I guess what I'm saying is that if you do anything inspired from something I've written (art, stories, drabbles), you don't have to ask, there's a 100% chance I want to see it. And that I'll squeal.

[horanimal-10]

Okay, I know we still have the final to go, but given what we've seen so far what's everyone thinking about the Olympic roster? Who you think deserves to make it, who you want to make it, who is a definite no at this point, anything. Now, I basically know jack shit about soccer (I was a field hockey player, oops) but I definitely have some thoughts about who I want/think deserves to make it. 

Let's start with the front line, shall we? 

Christen Press. I mean, this one is obvious. In what universe does CP *not* make the roster? I'll tell you which universe - none. She's clearly having a moment, she's healthy, everyone loves her. She's in, signed, sealed, delivered. Put it on my grave.

Pinoe. Okay, okay, "she's only good on set pieces" people say. Yeah, and those are pretty important. And aside from last night's somewhat sub-par performance in that department, I think she's looked pretty damn good this tournament. Fit af. Plus there is something to be said for the leadership and experience the older players have to offer. I think the rest of the team respects her and values her, and she's super positive and supportive of everyone, which I love. As long as she stays healthy, she's in.

Heath. Whoo. Honestly, I don't think we got a good look at her, what with her limited minutes. But she's the nutmeg queen, she's great on corners, she's spicy, and she does that nifty little backheel thing. And again - experience. Definitely takes on a mentor role with some of the younger players. She's had some injuries going back to the end of the club season, but as far as I know they've been minor. I still cringe every time she gets fouled, but I think she'll be okay as long as Vlatko continues to be smart about managing her minutes until she's 100%.

AMorgs??? Okay, this one's loaded. I give her major props for continuing her training during pregnancy, and I 100% believe she has the drive to be match fit by July. That said, pregnancy and childbirth are unpredictable. If she ends up needing a c section (which I wish on nobody, fingers crossed for a nice, uncomplicated delivery) I don't think she'll be ready due to the recovery period. That is the only reason I hesitate to say she's going for sure but I am hoping for the best and want only good things for her.

Baby Mal??? I don't know. This is a tough one. As much as I miss her, I will admit to thinking (please don't kill me for this) that she looked kind of lost and unfocused in the friendlies last fall. She has the skills to be there, no doubt, it just seemed to me she wasn't connecting well with her teammates, wasn't anticipating where they would be, etc. But I love her and hope she works shit out.

Carlos??? She isn't starter material at this point. This tournament, for her, seemed to be about getting Carlos to the Olympics, not the USWNT. Not at her best, by a long shot, and unlike Pinoe I don't think the younger players really see her as a leader or mentor. Not gonna lie, I was rooting for her because I admire her drive and dedication to keep going, but she fell short here.

Now, I'm skipping ahead to goalies, because honestly that's the easiest.

Uncle Naeher. Biggest no-brainer along with Press. (Honestly...can anyone give me a valid reason for her not to start? I doubt it.) I think she proved both in international and club play last season that she deserves the starting spot. It's hers to lose, but she won't.

Ashlyn. I hesitate to say I'm 100% sure here, but it's a pretty good bet. Campbell or Bledsoe could sneak in there, but at this point I'm leaning towards not. We really didn't get a good look at where she is right now, what with there not being a whole lot of action on that end of the field, but apparently Vlatko likes her so I'm good with that.

Ugh. Now we have midfield and backs. Honestly the toughest spots to cut anyone because they're basically all looking rock solid. 

Rose. Why tf would you cut Rose? That's right, you wouldn't. She's had a solid tournament. Would have liked to see more of her, but benching her against Costa Rica was prob a good call, given her yellow card from the previous game. (Confession - sometimes I feel like she falls in the "looks like she could kill you; would actually kill you" category. Anyone else get this vibe? Not necessarily a bad thing…)

Lindsey. Honestly, I feel like sometimes she doesn't get the credit she deserves. Does she ever have a *bad* game? Even when she's not at her best, she's still The Pretty Good Horan. Solid as a rock. Great one-touch passes. Has perfected the art of the header. Awesome volleys. Just got her first international hat trick, yay! Looks cool, calm, and collected, but is capable of being absolute chaos on main (exhibit A: That Game™ vs Utah). Leaves no square inch untouched as she roams from box to box. Minus last season's concussion (and maybe a minor hamstring injury last fall where she missed a friendly? Am I right?) she's been healthy, which is more than I can say for several others, so there's also that. And she's the love of my life, so I will accept zero criticism on this one.

JJ. She's fast, she's feisty (and sometimes ultra spicy), she and Dunn are adorable bffs, she's a leader. I have nothing bad to say about her. But I'm still kinda salty that Chicago beat Portland in the semis so that's as nice as I'm gonna get. (No hate though, really, she's fantastic.) She needs to stop giving me heart attacks with the couple-pics-that-could-be-pregnancy-announcements, though. One USWNT baby at a time, thanks.

Sammy. Well, she got herself two braces so far in qualifying (okay, that one goal was highly questionable, but the ref said goal so goal it is), so she's definitely made a strong case for herself. She's tall. She's able and willing to catch The Great Horan (you know, because she's the only one taller than The Great Horan). She panics over being the first one on the bus. The only thing I don't like about her? She plays for NCC. But honestly she's adorable, really fucking good, and I love her so I can overlook that.

KO. Okay, I'll admit I was nervous. Her first couple games were a little shaky, she had a few pretty big goof-ups (but I mean when she whiffed that one time she had literally just recovered from a savage attempt at breaking her ankles so I can't even blame her for that) but her ankles were away at war for like 6 months so what do you expect? Last night she was in fine form. She brings a great energy to the game, connects well with Tobito, has the Stanny connection with CP and some cute, newfound friendship thing going on with Horan, and is basically the ultimate hype girl (when she's not being the ultimate frat daddy). When you need a bitch, she's your woman. And she's hot. Like, HOT hot. As long as the ankles hold up, she's gotta be on that roster. I am rooting for those ankles. Hard.

Sonnett. Really did herself a solid with the minutes she had. No complaints from me. Almost scored a goal, and I'm not counting it out in the final. Not afraid to break ankles. She's scrappy, spicy, saucy, a sit-down comedian, a soft smiler, and a package deal with Horan. She deserves the world. The world (or at least the USWNT and its fans) deserves her. Please don't cut her, Vlatko. I beg of you. (I'm not saying if you cut her, I'll cut you, but like...I'm not NOT saying it, either...)

Krieger. What do I need to say except she showed everyone why Jello was an idiot not to play her. She's a beast. And I really, really, really need the wives to both make it bc I will cry if one does and the other doesn't.

Dunn. I mean, have you seen her? She's all over the field. She almost scored during her 100th cap. I've never seen her have a bad game. Voted best dancer on the team. The only problem? See Sammy above. F'n NCC. She deserves better, dammit.

Dahlkemper. Okay, don't sue me, but I really don't have any feelings toward her either way. A lot of people love her. I've never heard anyone say anything bad about her (except this one time I saw someone roast her on IG for following Honkle, but that's her business I guess) so that's good enough for me. Also she's pretty and posts thirsty comments on her teammates pics so basically I stan a supportive Abby.

Broon. Cool as a cucumber. The voice of reason. A literal angel. Captain Becky never lets us down.

Okay. Now for who I don't think will/should make it. 

AD. This makes me really, really sad. I love AD. But she's the only player on the roster who didn't get any minutes, so I think that says exactly where she stands in Vlatko's eyes. It's a shame, because she's amazing, but it's super hard to choose between her and Ash.

Lynn. Clearly Vlatko sees something in her, and tried really hard to make it happen. It didn't happen. I was kind of rooting for her, just because everyone else seemed to be against her, but she just didn't seem to connect with the rest of the team. She's fast, I'll give her that, but it's not enough. 

Jmac. Another one I was rooting for just because everyone else was against her. She has talent, and when she's on she's great, but she wasn't connecting with the others. 

Moe. Nothing against her, just no compelling reason to cut anyone else for her. Injury-prone, which obviously isn't good.

Allie. See Moe, minus the injuries. Bonus points for social media content, though.

Baby T. No clue where she stands with the injury. If she's 100% I have absolutely no reason why she shouldn't be on the team, but I don't know who I'd cut to keep her. If she isn't 100% I'd rather she take the time to heal completely. I know it was reported that she'd be ready to resume training around February, but a while back she herself said she didn't think she'd be 100% by the Olympics so who tf knows. She's SO young and could have 2-3 Olympics (and World Cups) ahead of her so no need to risk a career-ending injury by rushing it. But if she IS ready I'm down for her being an alternate (or, heaven forbid, making roster in the event that anyone else is injured). I like Tierna. I want a long, successful career and only good things for her.

Player I selfishly just want on the team because I like her.

Midge. She was a Thorn, so maybe I'm a little biased, but she's good, she's young (but not *young* young and inexperienced), she's versatile. I like her. A lot. 

Okay, that's all I got. Let me know what y'all think.

[franklyshipping]

Day 3 ~ Christmas 2019 Ego Fanfics

Day 3 here we frickin come people! I hope you're al hungry because now it is time for the all important...Christmas food shopping! LET'S DO IT!

TAGGING: @goog-ler-iplier

Food, glorious food…writing this part is going to make me hungry, I know it. Just thinking about documenting people buying turkey, chicken, bacon, sausages, pigs-in-blankets, beef, eggs, cubes, mince and steaks of meat substitute, potato starch based egg substitute, roasting and baking potatoes, carrots, parsnips, garlic, onions, sprouts, leeks, celery, spinach, spring onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, heavy cream, semi-skimmed and full fat milks, lacto-free milks, almond milk, soya milk, butter, vegan butter, regular and gluten free loaves, baguettes, wraps and flat breads, chicken and beef stocks, sage, thyme, basil, lemons, limes, satsumas, grapes, walnuts, fennel seeds, cumin, vinegar, star anise, salt, black pepper, oils, black and glace cherries, raisins, dates, apples, cranberries, gooseberries, blackberries, redcurrants, figs, cinnamon powder and sticks, nutmeg, ginger, a multitude of flours and sugars, baking powder and soda, inhuman amounts of chocolate and sweets, whipped cream, savoury snacks like crisps, peanuts, cashews, pretzels, crackers, breadsticks, cheeses and pickles, popcorn, candy floss…and then huge amounts of ice cream….is gonna make me hungry.

Then there’s the whole beverage side of things. There are bottles and cans of fizzy sodas, lemonade, ginger ale, ginger beer, tonic water, elderflower presse, apple juice, orange juice, cranberry juice, instant coffee, coffee machine capsules, earl grey tea, peppermint tea, loose leaf tea, generally festive tea, hot chocolate mixes, egg nog, white wine, red wine, rose wine, port, champagne, whiskey, gin, rum, cream liqueur, cans and bottles of beer, vodka….and sparkling water. Damn…it’s a lot. Undoubtedly you’d need somebody with something like a computer for a memory to memorise all of that, purchase it and bring it home in an efficient manner; thank heck for Googleplier. He was on the mission for consumables, along with his VERY excited boyfriend Blankgameplays.

Now, when it came to public places Blank could often get very anxious and uncomfortable…but not this time. On this occasion, not only did he have his sweet blue Google with him, but he also had a task to undertake, a task he’d been looking forward to ever since he’d volunteered to help Google with it. Blank loved shopping, and he also loved Google, so really this was his idea of the perfect morning. He, of course, was in charge of the steadily filling trolley…and was being a tad cheeky with it.

‘Blank! Get back here! You’ll crash the darned thing!’

Google whisper-shouted as he speed-walked down the aisle after his boyfriend, who was giggling as he half-rode the trolley down the aisle, giddily taunting.

‘Cahan’t catch meee can’t catch meheee!’

Google let out a growl under his breath as he sped up into a jog, and Blank’s eyes widened as he let out a surprised squeak when he found that Google had wrapped his arms around him from behind and brought him to a halt.

‘Are you deliberately trying to embarrass me?’

Blank giggled and nibbled his bottom lip at the sound of his boyfriend’s low growl in his ear. Blank turned around so he could face Google, and stood on his tip-toes so he could deliver a kiss to his nose.

‘Maaaaybe.’

Google pursed his lips as he looked down at Blank…damn him with his twinkling eyes and beautiful smile, always making Google unable to truly chastise him for his cheekiness. They returned to their task, collecting more essential items and crossing them off their list….but it didn’t take long for Blank’s mischief to rear its adorable head once more. This time, he was putting things in the trolley that they didn’t require.

‘My love…we do not need paper plates with pink pigs on them.’

‘Awwww c’mooon! Look at them they’re so cute!’

Blank stuck out his bottom lip dramatically, whining when Google put them back on their respective shelf. Google got close to Blank, whispering with a light, playful glare in place.

‘If you put anything else in the trolley that is not on our set list then I shall, with immediate effect, take away your trolley pushing privileges.’

Blank stuck his lip out even more and tried to engage in his puppy eyes, but Google’s glare merely hardened, so Blank submitted….for a little while at least. The rest of the shopping went remarkably smoothly, Blank was giddy of course but he didn’t try to playfully disrupt the task…so Google was under the impression that he was no longer going to be cheeky amidst the shopping. Oh how he was wrong. Blank was merely biding his time, lulling Google into a false sense of security…until they reached the check-out. Then, Blank did the one thing he knew would embarrass Google immensely WITHOUT making him uncomfortable; namely, a great amount of PDA.

‘Baaaabe, can we snuggle lateeer?’

Google’s eyes widened when, just as he’d finished loading their purchasers onto the conveyer, Blank starting hanging off his arm and softly nuzzling his cheek. His face started to turn turquoise as he perceived other customers staring with grins on their faces. Google stammered, wanting to reprimand Blank, but he was getting embarrassed.

‘L-Love….n-not here….’

Blank grinned and giggled, placing a trail of soft, innocent kisses under his jaw, knowing damn well what he was doing to his adorable android. Google’s blush reached his ears as Blank cooed deftly.

‘Whaaat? I’m just showing the world how much I looove you and wanna snuggle yooou!’

Google tried to look down at Blank with a warning in his eyes, but that only made Blank grin wider, god how he loved teasing Google. Google always maintained stoicism, professionalism and perfect composure in every public situation….but Blank lived for when he was blushing and smiling and had no idea what to do with himself because of his developing emotions.

‘Sh-shhh….p-p-people a-are l-looking….’

Google tried to bow his head as he started to smile nervously, whilst Blank merely giggled fondly at him. He was caught between the embarrassment of people watching them and undoubtedly cooing about them, and the sweet enticing nature of his boyfriend’s loving affection. Google could only reason that emotions were….weird. Google gritted his teeth when Blank winked at him though, and despite how flustered he was…Google knew that he wasn’t going to let Blank get away with this. So when it came to checking out, Google packed everything without even bothering to stick to a human pace, whilst Blank continued to smugly stay close to him and relish in what he’d reduced his boyfriend to.

‘You sweeties enjoy the holidays!’

The cashier called after them with a giggle, which made Blank smirk as Google growled. As they left the store with everything bagged in the trolley, Google could feel his embarrassment diminishing…and his need to have vengeance rising. He was similarly inhuman with his speed of loading all their purchases into the car and returning the trolley, and as Blank made to go around to sit in the front passenger seat….Google gripped his forearm.

‘Get into the seat behind mine. Now.’

Blank’s overwhelming smugness….wavered, just a tad, as Blank saw the danger in his Google’s smile. Blank knew he’d been a teasy shit, and on the inside he’d known there were going to be consequences, which was kinda why he’d done it. Google’s consequences were often rather enjoyable. So, Blank decided to maintain his cheeky, boyish grin as he slipped into the back seat behind Google’s driver seat. Then, Google too got into the car, locked it….and proceeded to tint each and every window, and the front and back windscreens so that anyone walking past wouldn’t be able to see in. Blank was analysing Google’s actions with a giddy, yet nervous curiosity…he knew he was in for some kind of punishment, but as of yet he wasn’t sure of what it would entail; so of course, he asked cheekily.

‘Tinting the windows huh? Are gonna make out a little before we head home?’

Google let out a soft laugh through his nose, before cocking his head at Blank and purring.

‘As enjoyable as that sounds, you and I both know that is not what you deserve in this moment. What is going to happen now, is you are going to remove your shoes and socks, and give them to me.’

Blank’s eyes widened. This could only mean one thing, one consequence. His hands and fingers were shaking as he started to blush, not hesitating to comply with his boyfriend’s command. He wordlessly handed his sneakers and black socks over, making Google smile as he took them and set them aside.

‘Good boy, now….’

Blank watched with nervous, curious eyes as Google lifted the head rest up and off of the driver’s seat. His toes curled as Google purred, his azure eyes gleaming behind his spectacles.

‘Feet up.’

Blank complied once more, settling in the back seat as he rested his feet on the top of Google’s seat. He squeaked when Google gripped his ankles and yanked his feet forwards, and Blank hid in his hoodie when he heard Google chuckle…before putting the head rest back onto the seat. The head rest slipped back into place snugly, trapping Blank’s ankles, and leaving his bare feet vulnerable and exposed for whatever Google desired. Google hummed as he observed his boyfriend’s pale, scrunched soles fondly.

‘Do you know what I’m going to do to you?’

Blank nibbled his bottom lip, shivering as he tentatively looked to Google; he whispered meekly.

‘….t-….uh…p-punish me?’

‘Hmm….you are correct, but what is it I am punishing you for?’

Blank was about to open his mouth to answer, when he let out a surprised squeak. Google had begun tracing his soles with all his fingertips, with his eyebrow raised expectantly. Blank understood that Google was still expecting him to answer him, no matter what else was happening. Blank clapped a hand over his mouth as giggles spilled from his lips….oh this was going to be diabolical.

‘I-Ihihit’s b-behecause-ohomygohod….i-ihihit’s….’

Blank let out a light whine, he couldn’t get his words out through his goddamn giggles! Google meanwhile just kept on tracing all over his feet, relishing in the gasps and giggles that he adored so much. Blank’s mirth was utter perfection in Google’s eyes, and he took any and every opportunity to coax it out.

‘Yes dear?’

Blank squeaked and spluttered when Google lightly skittered over the balls of his feet, making Blank scrunch and tug weakly at his trapped feet.

‘P-P-Pleheheeease I-I c-cahan’t t-tahalk lihike thihihis!’

Google cocked his head at Blank softly, smiling with innocent nonchalance as he replied.

‘And yet you still are perfectly coherent. Don’t worry, you can take your time, it’s not like you’re going anywhere.’

Blank threw his head back with his loud giggles as he tugged at his feet more and more, the incessant tickling at the balls of his feet was really affecting the poor guy. Blank knew he had to do everything he could to answer Google’s questions though, it was Google’s thing whenever he tickled, he asked question after question after question like he was doing an experiment.

'Ohohogohod ohohokahay I-I wahas cheheeky!’

Blank squealed out his words as Google lightly raked his nails up and down Blank’s taut, ticklish inner arches. The android smirked, letting out a satisfied hum at his boyfriend’s adorable compliance.

‘That’s right my dear, you were cheeky….very, very cheeky…’

Blank got chills down his spine at Google’s cool, deep tone of voice, and whimpered when Google made his inner-arch tickling devilishly light.

‘Why don’t you list all of the cheeky things you did?’

Blank hit his car seat, the light sensations making him want to curl up and hide away forever as electricity coursed through his body. It took him about a minute of whimpery giggling before he managed to even think about answering, all throughout which Google observed, lovingly. Google adored how ticklish Blank was to even the lightest of touches, it was endearing, and marvellously enjoyable to exploit during moments like this.

‘I-Ihihi r-rahahan wihith the t-trohoholley!’

Google hummed, tracing the wrinkles in the centres of Blank’s scrunched soles.

‘Yes, and?’

Blank softly squealed and hid his face in his hands, his giggling becoming intermingled with soft squeaks and hiccups now; his replies were getting faster too.

‘I-I-Ihihi p-puhut stuhuhuff ihin the troholley wehe d-d-dihidn’t nehEED!’

Blank jumped and yelped when Google sneakily scratched the pad of one of his big toes, which spurred Google to softly trace over both his big toes as he purred evilly.

‘Mmmm, that was particularly cheeky of you….but what was the naughtiest thing you did, hmm?’

Blank’s face was screwed up and his eyes were squeezed shut as colour bloomed on his normally pale face, and his lips spread into a wide, embarrassed grin; the tickling was one thing, but making him talk amidst it all? That’s what made it true tickle torture for Blank.

‘IHI EHEMBARRASSED YOHOHOU!’

Blank was squealing and laughing his head off as Google took time and pleasure over scratching every single pad of every single one of Blank’s little, pale toes. This was the pinnacle of the punishment and Google was going to make sure the punishment wasn’t forgotten in a hurry.

‘Yes, you did. Despite knowing how much public displays of affection cause the human flustered emotion to rise within me, you partook in them with me anyway, for your own naughty amusement….’

Blank let out a shrill wail, tugging at his poor feet desperately as he became more and more teary eyed with every passing second.

‘IHIHI’M SAHARRY!’

Google hummed, casting his gaze over his precious, writhing boyfriend with tender amusement dancing in his eyes. He kept tickling his toes deftly as he leant towards him a tad, purring.

‘Sorry for what exactly?’

Google raised a brow amidst his query, and that teasiness on top of the tickling just brought Blank to his adorable limit.

‘EHEHEVERYTHIHING! AHAHALL OHOF IHIIIT!’

At Blank’s high-pitched wail, Google reasoned that Blank had received an adequate amount of punishment in relation to his cheekiness during their extended errand, so he had mercy. He efficiently released his boyfriend’s feet, and chuckled amusedly when Blank immediately set about bringing his legs close to his chest. Blank was giggling residually and embarrassedly into his knees, but peeked form his hiding spot when he felt a warmth settle on one of his hands.

‘Are you alright?’

Blank melted at the softness of Google’s voice, and looked to see that Google had placed one of his hands on one of his and was rubbing his knuckles tenderly. Blank wordlessly nodded with a bashful smile, and leant forward so he could kiss the android’s hand. Google chuckled fondly, and was about to suggest that make-out session that Blank had previously brought up….when they both suddenly heard a disgruntled gurgle come from the car’s cup-holders. They both looked, and Blank giggled when he saw Gooper lightly squirming.

‘Ohoops, dihidn’t see ya there bud…’

Blank giggled whilst Gooper gurgled once more, this time for a tad longer. Google hummed as he listened to the slightly drowsy creature, before smiling to his boyfriend in amusement.

‘It seems he is displeased at being so roughly awoken from his naptime, but he is happy to take your socks as compensation. He wants to snuggle them.’

Blank spluttered and let out a snort, before picking up his socks and softly tucking them into the cup-holders with Gooper, who purred in thanks before settling down in the new warmth to resume his nap. Meanwhile, the make-out session was put on hold….for the half an hour it took for them to get back home, deposit their purchases, and for Google to carry his cute, barefoot human to their privacy.

WOOOO DAY NUMBER 3 COMPLETE, LEMME KNOW IF YOU GUYS ENJOYED IT WOOO LYV YOUS XX

[the-kipsabian]

nutmeg, aloe vera, orchid <3

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect? okay so im gonna preface this by saying that i dont think this is perfect. honestly i dont know if such song on my standards exists. but this is a years long favorite of mine, get every sort of emotion out of me every single time and it just. hits. you know. perfectly for me at least

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life? i took a hot minute to think about this, but honestly? i wanna go to a wedding. ive only ever been to one wedding in my life, and thats when i was still a teen and was used as a babysitter for everyones kids instead of really being in the actual reception so like. i wanna experience what adult weddings are like. too bad my friend circle is so small and literally none of us want to get married so lmao i guess thats out of the question for a hot second. and no i dont want to be married, i dont want to have a wedding - i just want to participate in a real grownup wedding and not as a babysitter (i guess part of this is about wanting to feel important enough to be considered good and close enough friend to be invited to things like this too idk)

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on? its really just. not tbh lmao. i just have stuff but barely anything is even color coded. i barely have like decorations either (decorating is not one of my strong suits tbh i just really dont care LOL). i think its mostly just scattered interesting nerd stuff and thats about as far as things go. i mean i do have one plant but yeah lol. i just really dont decorate apart from putting maybe some figures on my media shelf kasndkansd

get to know me asks ~

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU

New to the AU? Start here!

Chapter 38: Plastic Taste by Joji 

It’s February and you know what that means! Ita turns 23 and it’s the 7th year anniversary of when Tenya first met Ita. And the first Valentines Day as a couple... Ita isn’t freaking out, but Tenya is.

“Have you figured out where to go on her birthday?” asked Tensei to his very distraught brother “it’s the 2nd.”

“I have a plan and I’m not sure if I’ll succeed” Tenya chopped stressfully “I’m going to do the memory lane trip on her birthday and instead of cake, I make the cookies she made for the class when we met. But”

“But what?” Tensei raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t bake so I’m not sure if I’ll do a great job at making them AND for the 14th, I made that reservation for the dumpling house she’s had her eye on since it opened” Tenya rubbed his temples “but I don’t have a plan for that, no present, no back up plan, nothing! Just the dumpling house after work and go home to see what happens.”

“So this isn’t proposal time?” Tensei asked innocently “I really thought this was the time, I was going to get a suit custom made for the occasion.”

“Why is everyone telling me to marry her, it’s too soon!” Tenya groaned “being her boyfriend was already a stretch when I asked.”

The days pass and it’s her birthday! She woke up a little hungover from the night before having her usual day-before-actual-day celebrating with Mimi, Jin and others in her friend group.

“Wake up, it’s your birthday Mom!” blared Muffin 2.0 “you’re 23 years old now and in great health. Tenya has a message for you.”

“He couldn’t just-” I turned to see that I wasn’t in my bed, I teleported myself into my day-bed in the office, fully in my party outfit and make up “alright, off to an awesome start to 23 Ita! Trashed in the wrong bed and Tenya is probably going to chop lecture me later.” I sigh as the robo hands me a hand written note.

Beloved,

Get washed and ready for a walk where we first held hands and our love story began. I’ll be waiting for you down stairs.

-Tenya

I quickly get ready for whatever his note meant, it was exciting to do something that isn’t cake related.

“Ready love?” Tenya asked as he heard me teleport down stairs “you look so lovely! I did say pink is your color” he hugged her tight “Happy birthday.” 

“Thanks!” I got giddy “where are we going?!”

“You’ll see, lets go in my car” 

We get in the car and drive all the way to the downtown area near UA. I gasp as I recognized where we were.

“Oh shit it’s the old stomping grounds!” I exclaimed “I haven’t been here in years!”

“I thought a little day trip here might be suiting, it is where I first met you” he said as he parked “I guess it’s also our first meeting anniversary, it’s a very important day for us.” He opens the door for her “remember when I first held your hand?”

“Of course, I couldn’t catch up when we went to the cafe” I get those warm fuzzies of that day “I didn’t think much of it because back home my friends would do the same” I start giggling “but then I felt the sweat on your hand and figured it was probably the first time you held hands with somebody.”

“Oh that’s embarrassing” he turned red as they walked hand in hand down the same street they took that day “I thought it wasn’t noticeable” he tightened his grip slightly “can you believe that day I set out with the idea that I was going to confess to you to dismiss my crush on you if you didn’t feel the same.”

“Were you hoping I’d say no?”

“I hoped you’d give me a chance because I was still sorting out my feelings about you” he sighed at the thought “I really didn’t know if it was just a phase or if I was just attached to you because you were new and alone and needed someone to protect you.”

“Well your meddling in that 1st term didn’t help me either” I huffed “my poor little heart caught feelings and it wasn’t fair!”

“Why? I was trying to help you.”

“I know but I tend to love too easily when I was younger” I turned red “I was crushing on you but absolutely refused to say anything about it. Because I didn’t want you to stop what you were doing” I turned to make eye contact “I wanted so badly for you to say that you had feelings for me because I felt all those looks, alone time, hand holding, hugs, hand kisses and promises had to mean something if you only do them with me.”

“They did, it meant I was a coward with a big dumb crush on you and hoped maybe if I hug you a little longer or hold your hand enough times, I’d get the courage to kiss you” he stopped “oh look we’re at our first stop.”

“Huh? OH ITS THE CAFE?!” I was stunned “where we had our first ‘date’?”

“Heh, yeah” he didn’t want to admit that he also called it that “and to this day, I still don’t like coffee.” They get seated in the semi busy cafe and order, he looks at her gandering at the unchanged environment “I think I get it now.”

“Hm? Get what now?” I was pulled back into conversation.

“That love isn’t about just liking the person and spending time with them” he held his hand out for hers “it’s being vulnerable and trusting that person, it’s helping them through rough times, it’s communicating freely and it’s thinking about them when you’re apart.” he smiled when she put her hand in his “that was the missing piece in my understanding on how I should go about expressing my feelings to you. But you’ve shown me love this whole time, thank you for being so patient with me.”

“Wow, it took you 7 years to figure it out huh?” the order came as she said that “I really thought the slow dance kiss was going to do it” she stopped to take a sip of her drink “but instead I wrote you off as on the homosexual scale.”

“Wait, what” he had to pause to process what she said “you thought I was homosexual for a while?!”

“Yeah, I didn’t have another reason on why you acted the way you did” I explained “plus with all that time you spent with Midoriya I thought you had a crush on him.”

He laughed “I see how you’d think that but I was just too nervous to connect the kiss” he sipped his drink “and I really wish I remembered that after party.”

“Oh you kept saying you love me, cried, tried to kiss me, threw up, cried again.”

“I did all that?”

“Yeah but as much as I wanted to kiss you and believe you loved me, I knew it was wrong for me to kiss you when you were drunk” I sighed “every time you got drunk, you’d tell me the same thing and try to kiss me but I wished you’d say it when we were sober.”

“I guess you did the right thing” he remembered the day she left on mission “remember that kiss you gave me before you left for a mission in 2nd year?”

“Yeah?”

“If you had feelings for me, why didn’t you confess that day?”

“I wanted a reason to win and come back, I didn’t want my last memory of you to be a confession” tears welled in my eyes “I kissed you on the cheek to give you a pleasant memory of me in case I didn’t come back, the idea terrified me but I wanted to come back to have a chance at having this.”

“Even if it took us this long, I’m so happy you’ve conquered your fears because of the love you had for me” he comforted her “you inspire me to do the same.”

“Ay pues I’m gonna cry Tenya” I yelp as I try not to cry “it’s always when we’re in public too!”

We stay a while longer and while Tenya insisted on paying, I pulled a pro-gamer move and payed for everyone else’s tabs. I do things to spite others, not to make myself a better person necessarily. The rest of the day was spent around that area, in the shops, remembering certain things, getting recognized and passing by the school gates. It was late in the afternoon when we headed home, Tenya had one last surprise.

“Okay sit here and close your eyes” Tenya instructed her to sit at the table “no peeking!”

“Alright! I’ll keep them shut” the sound of his speedy feet made me laugh “I swear if it’s cake, I’m going to McFreakin lose it.”

“I don’t know what that is but you won’t be doing it today” he said as he was scrambling to set up his surprise “okay, open them.”

I open my eyes and it was a colorful napkin with a homemade cookie on top of it “You didn’t! Tenya~” I started to breakdown “it’s just like the one I gave to the class! Napkin and everything!”

“Today is very special to me and since it’s the first one as a couple” he sat in the chair next to me “I thought recreating the cookies would be fitting, because if you didn’t pass them out, I wouldn’t have had an excuse to talk to you that day” he wiped her tears “the day I met my soulmate.”

“You also made me cry that day” I laughed “but these are happy tears” I kissed him “thank you love, let see if you nailed the taste too” I split it in half and it was mushy-soft and the texture was a little moister than what a cookie should be “texture is...something BUT the flavor isn’t bad! It’s pretty close actually.”

“I remembered it was a chocolate chip oatmeal cookie with some spice, so I followed a basic recipe for chocolate chip cookies and added cooked oatmeal and cinnamon” he felt proud of himself as he explained “I feel like I did a pretty good job for my first time baking.”

“WAIT HOL UP BABE” the jazz music in my head stopped “did you say you added COOKED oatmeal to this?” I watch him nod his head confidently and almost didn’t have the heart to roast his ass, but I did, gently “that would explain the mushy texture, you don’t cook the oatmeal before adding it to baked goods.”

I can’t describe the face journey he went through when I broke the news, other than beet red embarrassment “I was so sure that’s what you do! Then how do you make yours?”

“I do the basic chocolate chip recipe, then add a packet of those instant oatmeal breakfasts that had cinnamon, nutmeg and brown sugar” I sniffed the other half of the cookie “then chill the dough for 20 mins in the freezer before baking them to insure even baking” I catch him make his iconic thinking face “BUT you did get one ingredient right.”

“The chocolate chips?”

“What, yeah, but I mean the other key ingredient” I giggled at his answer “you made this with just as much love as I make them.”

“That I did” he smiles and takes a bite of the half I left on the napkin “oh wow that’s mushy, how are you stomaching this?”

“You made it, I want to eat what my man cooks me!”

“Even if it’s 20+ more of these mushy cookies that I put in a Tupperware that smells like salsa?”

I felt my soul temporarily leave my body at that sentence “You did what now?” he shows me his shame in a salsa scented Tupperware “I’ll eat these if you help me eat them.”

“That’s a fair compromise.”    

“AN IDEA! Lets watch something on the couch in sweatpants!” before he had a say, I teleported to the room to quickly change into my sweat pants and black band tee and teleport back “I’m ready!”

“I will never figure out how you get undressed and dressed in under 5 seconds” he sighed lovingly “I’ll go change into mine while you choose something.”

When he comes back, I had a show picked out but I was a bit hesitant to suggest it because Shinso never wanted to watch it with me because it’s an American cartoon.

“Okay so how do you feel about watching Steven Universe with me?”

“What’s the show about?” He asked curiously as he looked at the season 1 poster of the show on the screen “I’ve never heard of it.”

I explain the gist of the show “...I’ve seen all 4 seasons but they’re coming out with a movie this year and I want to re-watch the show to get me by before the Japan release.”

“I’d like to watch this if you say it’s a good show.”

I was surprised he willingly wanted to watch it with me. We get through the whole 1st season, then I pause and turn to him “Okay, who’s your favorite character?!”

“I relate with Garnet but I really like Pearl and her dynamic with Steven” he gets into it “also the themes are really good! And the music is amazing.”

“UGH YOU HAVE NO IDEA! Amethyst is my sprit gem and I love Be Wherever You Are so much that I learned it on the Ukulele” I try to tone myself down a bit “it gets much more heavy in season 3.”

“We should watch this when we have our days off together” he looks at me “is it weird that I’ve never watched cartoons as a child? But I look at you enjoy them and I feel like a missed out on a big part of growing up.”

“We should have this as our binge show” I check the time, it’s almost 9pm “wanna take this upstairs?”

“It’s a bit late and don’t you have-” he started to say that we should be going to bed but stops and feels me run my hand over the outline of his crotch “Oh you mean that, then yes please.”

It was definitely one of the better birthdays in the books, the only thing that went wrong were the cookies. The days following were busy and bustling with high stress situations in their work-places that Valentines day seemed like a much needed wind-down.

“Okay I trust everything will run smoothly when I head out” I say before I leave early for the day, per Jin and Mimi’s orders “do I need to re-”

“LEAVE!” Jin huffed as he pushed her toward the door out of her office “you got your purse, coat and the quarterly reports. Go home before I floor portal you home!”

“Please for the love of God stop thinking about work baby girl” Mimi pleaded “you’re getting headaches and you know what happens when you push it! Plus you need to get ready for your date, who knows, maybe tonight is the night~”

“Okay, okay! I’ll leave” I gave in and headed out “see y’all later.” I make the drive home and the sky looked cloudier than the morning. I get home and text Tenya that I got home.

“Welcome home Mom!” yipped Muffin 2.0 “reminder of your event later tonight, it’s 3 hours before start time.”

“Thank you Muffin” I booped the robo’s nose “can you please tell me tonight’s forecast?”

“It’s cloudy with a high of 78 and a low of 69, chance of rain is at 40%.”

“Hehehe, low 69″ I giggle to myself “guess I should wear the faux mink coat in that case.” I take my time to get ready, Tenya gets home and does the same.

“I hope you worked up an appetite because we’re going to dinner at someplace a little birdie told me you’ve had your eye on for months.” Tenya teased as he drove us to dinner.

“Tokoyami is a narc as bitch” I harshly said “can’t keep anything to himself!”

“What? No silly! I asked Muffin 2.0 what was on your pinned list and they said this dumpling house in little China town has been on your list for a while.”

My face lit up “NO WAY! You got a reservation?!”

“Yup, I wanted to make sure today was perfect” he pulled into valet parking “it’s just going to be me and you, celebrating our love.” We get to the place half an hour before our reservation but ran into a problem.

“I do apologize sir but we can’t give you the promised reservation” nervously peeped the front door man.

“Why not? We’re early to our reservation.” Tenya checked his watch as he said that to make sure they were early.

“I understand that but we had 2 private parties last minute rent out our reservations side” the front man deeply bowed “they claim to want the privacy, we can fit you in another night-”

“I don’t want another night, I wanted tonight” Tenya was losing his temper a bit.

“It’s okay Tenya” I softly said to de-escalate the situation “we can just go somewhere else.”

“No I’ll take care of this, here I’ll hold your coat” he turned to get my coat and turned back to argue with the front man “I’d like to talk to your manager.”

I knew that if I spoke up and did the whole ‘do you know who I am?!’ gig, the media will take hold of it and make me look like the bad guy. I didn’t want to listen to the pointless arguing and I looked out the window of the place, across the street was a street vendor that was selling steamed buns and other steamed food. My stomach was lurching for any type of food and I knew that we just weren’t going to get seated tonight.

“Hey I’m going for a little walk outside.”

“Okay don’t go too far.”

I teleport across the street and walk up to the vendor’s cart “Hi, couldn’t help and see that you’re selling steamed buns!”

The vendor looked at me and started to get nervous “Yes I am! I have pork with salted duck egg, shredded bbq pork and seafood” they were fidgeting with their tongs “what can I get you?”

“Can I have the seafood one? I’ve never had a seafood steamed bun.”

“Here, on the house” they handed me the bun in a wax paper sleeve “may I say, you’re quite gorgeous. Where did you get that decorative hair comb?”

“Oh thank you! You’re so kind and I got this hair comb when I was visiting a friend in Shibuya a few months ago” I took a bite of the steamed bun and loved the taste.

“It’s a beautiful piece! It’s something my wife would like” they sighed “we just had a baby and our anniversary is coming up but we have neither the time nor money to do anything nice. Everything is for our baby.”

That stirred me the right way because I was about to make this person’s whole career with this pro-gamer move “Hmm, this is quite the bun, how much is it for a bun?”

“I can’t take money from a pretty lady, but they’re 400 yen each” they gestured to their other items “sesame balls are 3 for 200 yen and strawberry dango are 250 yen.”

“Oh in that case” I open my clutch “I’d like to buy your entire stock please.”

“Okay I’ll- wait, excuse me!” they were in disbelief “why? I said I wo-”

“I know, but it’s getting late and you should be getting home to your wife and child” I smiled warmly “I know I’d want my partner to be home with me on Valentines day and you seem like you want to be home with them.”

They teared up “Right away Miss!” they got the biggest bags they had on them to fill them up with buns and the other stuff. “That’ll be...31,000 yen” they cringed a little when they said that.

“Here, keep the change” I hand them a 100,000 yen bill.

“Oh, I’m so-” they started to cry “thank you kind lady! Your heart is pure and your beauty radiates from the the inside out.”

“Oh before I go” I take the hair comb out of my hair, causing all of my hair to fall and drape over my shoulders “here, your wife might appreciate this more than I do” I pick up the 4 bags of food “bye bye! Have a safe trip home and happy Valentines Day!”

“Good Bye kind stranger! I will!”

I teleport back across the street and see Tenya still arguing with the manager but now more people that had reservations joined the back and forth. I felt the first sprinkling of rain on my shoulder, and with my coat still in Tenya’s hand, I had to find another way to stay dry. I remembered there’s a corner store just down the street, maybe I’ll get lucky and find an umbrella. I teleport there and just my luck, theres a robbery in progress.

“You came in at the wrong time Miss!” growled the robber as he cocked his gun at the cashier “move and the cashier gets it!”

“Okay” I said as I smiled innocently. I used my telekinesis to empty his gun cartridge and pry the gun out of his hand. “Oh dang who’s doing that?!”

“Some weird shit is going on here!” the robber yelped as I pistol whipped him “Fuck this! I don’t want to know who’s doing this!” he ran out and I dropped the gun.

“Oh wow, you okay?” I asked the cashier.

“I’m fine just- HOLY SHIT YOU’RE THAT CEO!” he was starstruck as he shakily pointed to a magazine rack behind me “I’m a HUGE fan of your business model! I didn’t go to school to study business or anything but you care for the well-being of the displaced in the hero world.”

I look at what he was pointing and it was the cover of Business Insider Japan I did back in October “Oh dang, I remember that photoshoot and interview” I turn to the cashier “well it’s never too late to go to college and study if you have an interest in business.”

“I don’t have the money to go to a big fancy school like you did.”

“I went to Waseda Uni after a short break to work after high school” I smiled warmly as their self-doubt reminded me of myself “nothing fancy but lots of hard work and dedication to achieve my goal to start a security companion company. Though I got lucky in the industry, learning about the ins and outs was eye opening in college. So I say, give it a go and feed your curiosity!”

“I think I will now” they smiled “Oh! what can I help you with?”

“Right! Um do you have any umbrellas? I’ve been caught without one”

“Yes we do! And if I may interest you” they pull out a can from a display fridge behind them “we’re promoting this canned Ingenium endorsed orange juice.”

I start laughing “Oh fuck it’s real?!” I picked up the can to see the iconic chop stance in the hero uniform “I’ll take 12! I HAVE to roast him on this later.”

“So it’s true that you and him are dating? None of the news and gossip columns can conclude if that’s true or not.”

“It’s true, we were best friends in high school” I tapped on the can “that bitch drinks these things like it was his fuel! I didn’t get into it like him but I’d drink the ones he got me because I had a big dumb crush on him and I wanted him to like me.”

“That’s the cutest shit I’ve ever heard” he fawned over my little story as he bagged the cans “your total is 1,055 yen.”

I paid for my items and teleported back to the restaurant just in time to see Tenya walking out frustrated. I open the umbrella and walked up to him.

“I’m sorry baby, I couldn’t get a table for us” he sighed in defeat “and all the other places are packed. I didn’t want this to happen and I don’t have a back up plan” he looked into my eyes “would you hate me if we just go home? I know you’re hungry.”

“I’m fine with that” I hold up my bags “I bought food! So we don’t have to cook or go anywhere else!” I got a slight shiver “can you put my coat on me? I’m cold.”

“Yes! Let me hold those bags” We head home and he opened the bags “that’s a lot of meat buns.”

“Yeah but I was planning to warp some to Mimi and Jin” I check the time, it’s almost 8pm “they should be home now.” I separate the food evenly so we’d have enough for us and a bagful of food for the other 2. 

Tenya loosens up his tie as he slumps in defeat on the couch to eat “Sorry I ruined your night” he put his hand on her face to cradle it “I wanted everything to be perfect for our 1st valentines day as a couple.”

“What else did you have planned?” I asked curiously, resting my face in his hand.

“To be honest, just the restaurant and maybe a long drive somewhere” he sighed and lovingly looked into her eyes “I know you always say to have a back up plan but I was just hoping everything worked out.”

“Oh it was none of our faults” I smiled “today was just weird.”

“But I wanted to do something that you deserved!” he protested “you deserve everything you desire and more, if I could, I’d give you the world and explore it with you.”

“That’s sweet of you but” I put my hand on his head “I don’t want the world, I don’t care for fancy dinners or lavish gifts. I want to matter to somebody and have the simple things in life, the things money can’t buy.” I push his hair back “we could have one dollar to our name and I’d still love you because you make me feel like I matter with every hand hold, every look and every attempt to understand me and my strange habits” I levitate his glasses off “the way you hold me as I drift to sleep, the butterflies I get every time you bring me close for a kiss, the tender touches when we make love” I lean in closer, softening my voice as I get closer “the way you’re considerate of me, the time you set aside for me when it’s been a long day and best of all, when you want to do the things I want to do because they genuinely interest you.”

With her basically on top of him, Tenya brings her in closer “Darling, if I’d known that’s all it took, I would’ve done things differently” he sighed as she put her arms around his neck “but I’m still learning to be a good partner to you, I feel like I have a long way to go and I’m going to be the best one.”

“I hope so” we connect for a kiss “hehe you taste like duck egg.”

“You taste like orange juice.”

We laugh and just spend our evening on the couch. Thoughts of the future popped in my head, thoughts I buried away because of the pain I went through but I wanted answered.

“Be honest with me” I say as I look out the window facing the backyard, watching the rain pour down “do you want to have children with me?”

“I do, I’ve been thinking about starting a family with you since we were in high school.”

“That’s fucking weird” I laughed and looked at him “why though?”

“I want the family you were raised in, one where you see your parents be loving to each other after so long and have the skills that’ll encourage you to do anything you want to” he smiled “I want to have a big family, celebrate birthdays, have family dinners, see them off to school, see them grow up to be a better person than me and full of love.” He paused a moment to think a little realistically “I know you lost one and nothing felt right after, but I’m going to do everything in my power to ensure that doesn’t happen again.”

“I didn’t know you put so much thought into it” it warmed my heart that he wanted to be part of my family “I’d like that, imagine the quirks they’d get?”

“They’d get double quirks for sure! I’m not sure what other quirks run in my family since everyone seems to have just engine of some sort” he started to fantasize all the possibilities “if your quirks makes you nearly invincible, and mine make me fast... does that mean one of our children will become the ultimate powerhouse of fast and invincible?”

“Who’s to stay it’s not all of them?” I get into the fantasy “but I’d love for the elemental quirks to show up or get telepathic quirks. I always thought those quirks were so cool growing up!”

Good conversation ended our night as the rain poured outside. Talking about the future that we’ll build together made me excited to start a family again. While the scar of past will never go away, his love certainly eases the pain. What will happen next in our story? I don’t know BUT now I feel as though I can overcome anything with him by my side.

-Chapter 38, End-

<Previous - Next>                    

[elainescookingforthesoul]

TRANSCRIPT for Episode 1.07 “Betty Lou’s Sweet Potato Something” (PART 1/2)

ACT I

[INTRO MUSIC]

ELAINE: Hello and thank you for tuning into another episode of Elaine's Cooking Podcast for the Soul. I am your host, Elaine Martínez. For anyone who is just now joining us--greetings! And for our returning listeners--welcome back! Congratulations to all on surviving another week and a big thanks to you for devoting a potentially huge fraction of your remaining time on earth listening to this podcast. This is, of course, a cooking podcast designed for our very brave new world. What a week it has been, folks. Warm here in LA, yet with lingering dampness we in the desert are not quite used to. I suppose it's the radioactive cloud mass blocking the sun all week that is making it so...unsavory. But listen to me, going on about the weather...Allow me to stop myself before I start reading from the Farmer's Almanac and let's get to the whole reason we're here today--cooking up a yummy dish! This week we are working on a very promising recipe. Taking the reigns this week is guest and co-host, Betty Lou Parker!

BETTY LOU: Elaine, what a pleasure! Can I admit something to you?

ELAINE: By all means.

BETTY LOU: Weather talk. The worst, right? We agree on this?

ELAINE: It's a social fallback, a straw of the grasping variety to be certain.

BETTY LOU: My late-husband's even-later-mother used to call every Sunday and that is all she would ever talk about. Drove me batty, and I vowed I'd never be that old lady babbling about how unseasonably cold it is. Lucky she didn't live to see LA percolating at a steady thirty degrees in the summertime. She would just--oh, and now I've just started doing it, stop me now, Elaine!

ELAINE: Well, we need not linger on the subject when we have a much more enticing one before us. Tell us about the recipe we're working up today, Betty Lou!

BETTY LOU: I call it "Betty Lou's Sweet Potato Something."

ELAINE: Ambiguous, I like it.

BETTY LOU: What I'm really offering is a real delicious base recipe that you can eat by itself, if you're just, you know, sad and uninspired, or with a bunch of random toppings you may or may not have on hand. And it all starts with one very important ingredient. Can you guess?

ELAINE: Angostura bitters? I feel like it's always angostura bitters.

BETTY LOU: It's sweet potatoes! 

ELAINE: That was my second guess. I should have taken this massive can of cut and peeled sweet potatoes as a clue.

BETTY LOU: Now Elaine, I'm looking around this dentists office of yours--this is where you practice?

ELAINE: It is. Was? Business has not been great. But yes, I've worked here at LA Dental Clinic since the beginning. I helped pick out the carpet, in fact. 

BETTY LOU: Oh its...

ELAINE: Grey!

BETTY LOU: Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. 

ELAINE: You had a question about our venue?

BETTY LO: I just assumed we would have an oven or, you know, some cooking utensils...

ELAINE: Oh, that reminds me.

[SQUEAKING/ROLLING]

ELAINE: I fashioned--on my own time and dime, and definitely not utilizing the dead hours of my workday or items from the breakroom's kitchenette--a cooking cart!

BETTY LOU: Oh my stars! This is just the cutest thing I've seen at the dentist since that poster of the cartoon alligator smiling real big with all those teeth...a little less cute now, I suppose, what with all the zoo-breakouts and unusually aggressive animal behavior.

ELAINE: Oh, I know. Did you hear about those murders of crows moving underground?

BETTY LOU: Hear about them, Elaine I live in Burbank and let me just tell you, people have learned real quick to turn around and run when they see a manhole cover. Those crows have holed up in the sewers and pretty much anywhere else that is completely removed from direct sunlight. Makes me want to follow their lead but...you know. They don't call them murders for nothing, do they?

ELAINE: I suppose not...

BETTY LOU: That's science, you know. Natural selection. And I'll tell you another thing--I have not seen any flowers fall from the trees since the--well, I'm just gonna say this one weather thing and then I'll hush, I swear--but at this point typically, the cottonwoods have shed their fluff, the jacarandas are dropping their purple flowers...instead everything appears to be frozen in place. Maybe it's the fact that there is no wind? Maybe I should catch myself slipping into this failsafe weather chitchat and let you tell me what's on this delightful cooking cart?

ELAINE: Oh, you know I'd listen to you go on all day! But yes, let's return to the reason we're here...So on the bottom of the cart is all of the utensils like whisks and spatulas, with space left over for a large mixing bowl, two plates, and two mugs. It includes a hook to hold the single one-quart pan I possess, and then on top is the hot plate and a very simple...

[RATCHET NOISE, STEADY CLICKING]

BETTY LOU: Toaster oven!

[TOASTER OVEN DINGS]

ELAINE: That's right! Elaine's Cooking Podcast for the Soul just got pwned. I think that's the right word. I'll ask Sam tomorrow. If he shows up. 

BETTY LOU: I think we're really ready to get going on my Sweet Potato Something! Hand me that mixing bowl, hon.

ELAINE: Here you go!

BETTY LOU: Now, we already know about the twenty-nine ounce can of cut and peeled sweet potatoes. These are among the least popular items are the distribution center, and pretty much everyone is looking to trade them.  

ELAINE: Well, that may change after we finish with this delicious recipe. I'll get that opened for you while you continue.

[CAN OPENER]

BETTY LOU: So we plop these in this mixing bowl here, and voila!

[PLOP]

ELAINE: Um...voila meaning "that's the first step"?

BETTY LOU: Yep, it's the first and the last step of this recipe!

ELAINE: Oh...um...great! Yum...let me just get a couple forks, if we're ready to, uh, dig in?

BETTY LOU: I thought you said we'd do the eating part after the break?

ELAINE: It is what we normally do, but that was an insanely--I mean delightfully--simple recipe, so we're running a bit ahead of schedule here.

BETTY LOU: Well, we could do the modified version, if we have time. I have all the stuff. Came straight from the Ration Swap.

ELAINE: Oh! Yes, please, let's do that.

BETTY LOU: Okay! It starts exactly the same as before.

ELAINE: With a very large can of cut and peeled sweet potatoes.

BETTY LOU: And after that...anything goes, really! I like to add a lot of brown sugar, and then a dash of cinnamon and nutmeg. My mother-in-law hated nutmeg.

[METAL LID CLANGS]

ELAINE: You've added quite a lot of it here. 

BETTY LOU: Oh, so I have. In addition to the cinnamon and nutmeg, we're going to mix that up with whatever can of fruit you can find or bargain for.  I scrapped up some pineapple tidbits--my favorite. But mandarin oranges are okay, and maraschino cherries are a real classy option. You'll open and fish out about a cup of of pineapples, Elaine? 

ELAINE: My pleasure.

[CAN OPENER]

BETTY LOU: And then after that, it's just a cup of alternative milk! I never thought I'd live to see the day where I reach for almond milk, but I guess since this country's livestock started producing that battery-acid-like milk, I'm actually satisfied enough with this fake milk business! I use just half a cup of this nonsense.

 

[ALMOND MILK GLUGS]

[FORK SCRAPES]

BETTY LOU: And you know it's the grass that makes it so acidic. All these poor cows are stuck eating whatever the blasts didn't wipe out...and you remember photosynthesis. Plants need sunlight. You know, science and all that. Though I suppose even if we do get sunlight, these temperatures will keep new grass from springing up properly--

ELAINE: Okay, that's about a cup of pineapple tidbits, I think. 

BETTY LOU: Just in time, Elaine, I wasn't sure I was going to resist getting into weather talk this time, but you saved me. 

ELAINE: That's what I'm here for, Betty Lou.

BETTY LOU: So at this point, we just stir the potato, sugar, spice, fruit, and milk alternative in big ole swipes. Personally, I don't mash. I like these big cutlets of sweet potato. Gives the fork something to think about.

[MIXING IN BOWL]

ELAINE: I must say, that looks and smells pretty promising!

BETTY LOU: We're pretty much ready for the final step of this here bonus recipe. I know it's a little complicated, but I think it's sometimes worth it. Want to crank that toaster oven up to "bake," hon?

[RATCHET NOISE, STEADY CLICKING]

ELAINE: There it goes. It'll just be a moment.

BETTY LOU: That's just fine. While it warms up, I'll just show you the final step: crust!

ELAINE: Oh my, crust?

BETTY LOU: Well, crumble may be a better word. Alls it is, rolled oats, pecans, and a little extra brown sugar. Now, I'm noticing you just have this very shallow tray that came with the toaster oven. Is that our only dish?

ELAINE: I guess I should invest in some small ramekins or something, huh?

BETTY LOU: Oh nonsense, dear, I was just asking to make sure that it's okay for me to go ahead and plop it all down.

[POTATO MIXTURE PLOPS]

ELAINE: I take full responsibility for the less-than-stellar plating.

BETTY LOU: I'm sincerely doubt it'll affect the taste of my Sweet Potato Something at all, Elaine.

ELAINE: I don't suppose so. Should I layer on the crumble before we put it in to bake?

BETTY LOU: You're one step ahead of me. You've really got a knack for this cooking stuff, Elaine.

ELAINE: Aw, thank you for saying so! It's a skill I've been fostering for quite some time. My original plan was to host a public access cooking show that featured dentist-approved recipes. But my path has taken a different course, it seems. 

BETTY LOU:  know what you mean. One day you're swigging down a High Life at the black light bowling alley down in Huntington Beach for your best friend's bachelorette, the next you're hunkered under the concession stand bargaining your Sour Punch Straws for part of a five-pound bag of nacho cheese! Life is funny sometimes. Well, anywho. Would you care to do the honors of starting our toaster oven up?

ELAINE: Can do, Betty Lou.

[TOASTER OVEN OPENING, CLOSING]

BETTY LOU: And we'll just crank the timer for twenty... 

[CRANK OF TIMER]

ELAINE: Wonderful! I think now is a really good time for a break for our sponsor ad. When we return, we will check in on Betty Lou's Sweet Potato Something. We'll be right back after the break. Stay tuned--or else!

[MUSICAL TRILL PLAYS OUT]

END OF ACT I

INTERLUDE/AD BREAK

ELAINE: This week's episode is brought to you by random shoes found on the side of the road. Ever wonder how one and sometimes two shoes end up on the curb? Ever see a single flip flop flipping and flopping unaccompanied on the side of the highway? Ever see a set of nice-looking loafers placed with sinister indifference near but not on the sidewalk? Did someone take these random shoes found on the side of the road out of their car, rearrange some stuff, and then forget to put them in their car again? Did someone get back at their over-dramatic partner by acting overly dramatic and chucking a single sneaker out their front door, effectively demoting it to someone's shoe to simply another random shoe found on the side of the road? Was someone walking, decided that they could do without the tanlines, and slip off their tennis shoes for the rest of their stroll? Are these shoes, seemingly so random and in good-enough shape, sigils? Are they messages from someone...to someone? Do they contain mini-USBs with full episodes of delicious and achievable recipes uploaded to them? Big thanks to random shoes found on the side of the road. Random shoes on the side of the road can be found at your local--wherever! Random shoes on the side of the road. How did they get there? We'll never tell. Back to the show!

[MUSICAL TRILL]

[lauramalchowblog]

The Definitive Guide to Saturated Fatty Acids

I’ve written guides to fat in general, animal fats in particular, and edible oils as well. I’ve written a definitive guide to saturated fat. But what are these fats, exactly? Today, I’m writing the Definitive Guide to Saturated Fatty Acids—a guide to all the individual fatty acids that make up the saturated fats we eat, store, and burn.

I won’t cover every single saturated fatty acid in existence. Some of them don’t play any significant role in human health or diet. Like cerotic acid, which appears mainly in beeswax. Or arachidic acid, which you can get by hydrogenating arachidonic acid or eating a ton of durian. There are a few more that aren’t very relevant.

I will instead cover the most important ones.

But First, a Word about Saturated Fatty Acids…

Saturated fats have all available carbon bonds paired with hydrogen atoms, making them highly stable and resistant to oxidation and rancidity—even when heated. That’s why our bodies tend to build cellular membranes with a significant portion of saturated fats. They provide stability and a strong foundation.

Caproic Acid, Caprylic Acid and Capric Acid

I included these together because their names come from the Latin word for “goat,” and all three are found most famously in goat milk—they run about 15% of goat milk fat. Capric acid is also found in coconut oil (10% of coconut fat) and palm oil (4% of palm fat).

The “goat” fats are what give goat milk its distinctive “goaty” odors. Come to think of it, I’ve had coconut oil that had a “funk” to it, and I bet the capric/caprylic acid was to blame. But if you can get past the goatiness, there are benefits to these fatty acids.

Capric acid has been used to inhibit seizures in people with epilepsy, and if you combine it with caprylic acid, the anti-seizure effect seems to increase.

As medium-chain triglycerides, the goat fatty acids increase ketone production. In fact, caprylic acid is the most ketogenic medium-chain triglyceride of all.

Capric acid has anti-fungal properties, showing particular efficacy against Candida, while all three are effective against oral bacteria.

Best sources: goat milk, coconut oil, palm oil.

Lauric Acid

Another medium-chain triglyceride, lauric acid is the primary fatty acid in coconut fat (40-50% lauric acid) and palm kernel fat. It also appears in human breast milk (about 6.2% of total fat).

Lauric acid is anti-microbial. That’s why it appears in breast milk—to help infants ward off pathogens while their immune systems are still developing. And it’s probably why people report getting rid of foot and toenail fungus by smearing their feet with coconut oil at night.

Lauric acid reduces hunger. In one study, people who had lauric acid shot directly into their guts ate less food than the people who had oleic acid shot in.

When you consume lauric acid, some of it is converted into monolaurin, a more potent compound (both coconut oil and breast milk also contain some monolaurin directly) with anti-viral, anti-microbial, and anti-fungal properties.

Lauric acid is not as directly ketogenic as the “goaty” medium-chain triglycerides.

Best sources: coconut fat, palm kernel fat, breast milk.

Myristic Acid

Myristic acid is a perplexing one. Some studies find that its presence in the blood indicates metabolic issues, whereas, as you’ll see below, in the diet it can have some good effects and play some important roles.

The odor of myristic acid draws the newborn to the breast and helps trigger the appetite for mother’s milk.

Myristic acid in milk also possesses anti-listeria activity.

Eating 1-2% of calories as myristic acid—about what you’d get from including a little coconut or moderate amounts of full-fat dairy in your daily diet—improves red blood cell membrane fluidity and lipid profile. Eating that much also improves omega-3 status.

High-fat dairy is consistently linked to better cardiovascular health despite being one of the best sources of myristic acid.

The Tokelau islanders ate a coconut-based diet that was very high in myristic acid; they had excellent cardiovascular health.

What’s happening? Why the discrepancies?

Some in the diet is way better than none. Too much more than 1-2% of calories (about 10% of calories from dairy fat), and the benefits start dropping and even reversing. However, that “1-2%” limit was in the context of a higher-carb diet. If you’re lower carb, you can probably benefit from higher intakes.

Myristic acid in the blood isn’t so much “dangerous” as it is indicative of metabolic dysfunction. For instance, the most reliable way to reduce blood levels of myristic acid is to reduce your carbohydrate intake.

Best sources: nutmeg butter (don’t eat that and go driving, though; nutmeg is downright psychoactive), coconut fat, palm kernel oil, milk fat, breast milk.

Stearic Acid

Stearic acid is enjoying a bit of a renaissance lately. People are mixing isolated stearic acid into clarified butter to create a “super-stearic butter.” Why?

Stearic acid is one of the saturated fats that even SFA-phobes admit has a neutral effect on cholesterol levels. If anything it boosts HDL.

Dietary stearic acid appears to cause “fusing” of our mitochondria—the power plants of our cells—and increase fatty acid oxidation shortly after consumption. In other words, it’s a potent boost to our ability to generate energy.

Diets based on either red meat or cheese—two foods high in stearic acid—improve metabolic and blood markers.

It’s getting really tough to deny the benefits of stearic acid.

Best sources: cocoa butter, beef fat (steer/stearic), dairy, lard.

Palmitic Acid

Palmitic acid gets a terrible rap. In study after study, we find palmitic acid doing bad things to our cells and our health markers. And when you douse cells in pure palmitic acid, they tend to suffer and even die. This looks really bad.

For instance, palmitic acid lowers expression of the LDL receptor gene. Less LDL receptor activity, more time for LDL to hang around in the bloodstream and cause trouble. That’s not good.

Or the fact that palmitic acid is toxic to skeletal muscle cells, impairing glucose uptake and increasing insulin resistance.

Or that palmitic acid induces inflammation and disrupts insulin signaling, suggestive of diabetes. We don’t want diabetes, we don’t want heart disease, and we like our muscle cells to function, so we should probably stop eating any palmitic acid, right?

Except a modicum of oleic acid stimulates LDL receptor activity. And arachidonic acid, a polyunsaturated fat found in animal products often alongside palmitic acid, prevents cell toxicity. And finally, if you throw in a little oleic acid alongside that “inflammatory” palmitic acid, you obliterate the inflammation.

Okay, but what about serum palmitic acid being a harbinger of metabolic disorder? Easy. When you overeat sugar and there’s nowhere to put it and you can’t burn it, the liver converts any extra into palmitic acid to be stored. Elevated palmitic acid is a marker of eating too many carbohydrates (and food in general).

Best sources: dairy fat, ruminant fat, palm oil.

What does it all mean?

Even though today’s post was about the individual saturated fatty acids, we very rarely eat individual fatty acids. Instead, we’re eating fats that contain a half dozen fatty acids or more, or foods that contain fats that contain a half dozen fatty acids. We aren’t cooking with lauric acid or sprinkling pure palmitic acid in the pan. We’re eating foods. And, as part of the food matrix, all the saturated fatty acids I’ve examined have important and valid roles to play.

If you want to avoid palmitic acid but welcome stearic acid, guess what? You’re gonna have to craft some Frankenstein-fat. Foods that contain stearic acid also contain palmitic acid. The best sources of lauric acid are also pretty high in stearic, palmitic, and myristic acid. And so it goes. You can’t avoid palmitic acid and only eat lauric and stearic acid while eating actual food.

If you have any questions, drop them down below.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

References

Wlaz P, Socala K, Nieoczym D, et al. Acute anticonvulsant effects of capric acid in seizure tests in mice. Prog Neuropsychopharmacol Biol Psychiatry. 2015;57:110-6.

Huang CB, Alimova Y, Myers TM, Ebersole JL. Short- and medium-chain fatty acids exhibit antimicrobial activity for oral microorganisms. Arch Oral Biol. 2011;56(7):650-4.

Feltrin KL, Little TJ, Meyer JH, et al. Comparative effects of intraduodenal infusions of lauric and oleic acids on antropyloroduodenal motility, plasma cholecystokinin and peptide YY, appetite, and energy intake in healthy men. Am J Clin Nutr. 2008;87(5):1181-7.

Intorre F, Venneria E, Finotti E, et al. Fatty acid content of serum lipid fractions and blood lipids in normolipidaemic volunteers fed two types of cheese having different fat compositions: a pilot study. Int J Food Sci Nutr. 2013;64(2):185-93.

Gutiérrez-garcía AG, Contreras CM, Díaz-marte C. Myristic acid in amniotic fluid produces appetitive responses in human newborns. Early Hum Dev. 2017;115:32-37.

Chen X, Zhao X, Deng Y, Bu X, Ye H, Guo N. Antimicrobial potential of myristic acid against Listeria monocytogenes in milk. J Antibiot. 2019;72(5):298-305.

Prior IA, Davidson F, Salmond CE, Czochanska Z. Cholesterol, coconuts, and diet on Polynesian atolls: a natural experiment: the Pukapuka and Tokelau island studies. Am J Clin Nutr. 1981;34(8):1552-61.

Hunter JE, Zhang J, Kris-etherton PM. Cardiovascular disease risk of dietary stearic acid compared with trans, other saturated, and unsaturated fatty acids: a systematic review. Am J Clin Nutr. 2010;91(1):46-63.

Thorning TK, Raziani F, Bendsen NT, Astrup A, Tholstrup T, Raben A. Diets with high-fat cheese, high-fat meat, or carbohydrate on cardiovascular risk markers in overweight postmenopausal women: a randomized crossover trial. Am J Clin Nutr. 2015;102(3):573-81.

Mustad VA, Ellsworth JL, Cooper AD, Kris-etherton PM, Etherton TD. Dietary linoleic acid increases and palmitic acid decreases hepatic LDL receptor protein and mRNA abundance in young pigs. J Lipid Res. 1996;37(11):2310-23.

Wen H, Gris D, Lei Y, et al. Fatty acid-induced NLRP3-ASC inflammasome activation interferes with insulin signaling. Nat Immunol. 2011;12(5):408-15.

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[jesseneufeld]

The Definitive Guide to Saturated Fatty Acids

I’ve written guides to fat in general, animal fats in particular, and edible oils as well. I’ve written a definitive guide to saturated fat. But what are these fats, exactly? Today, I’m writing the Definitive Guide to Saturated Fatty Acids—a guide to all the individual fatty acids that make up the saturated fats we eat, store, and burn.

I won’t cover every single saturated fatty acid in existence. Some of them don’t play any significant role in human health or diet. Like cerotic acid, which appears mainly in beeswax. Or arachidic acid, which you can get by hydrogenating arachidonic acid or eating a ton of durian. There are a few more that aren’t very relevant.

I will instead cover the most important ones.

But First, a Word about Saturated Fatty Acids…

Saturated fats have all available carbon bonds paired with hydrogen atoms, making them highly stable and resistant to oxidation and rancidity—even when heated. That’s why our bodies tend to build cellular membranes with a significant portion of saturated fats. They provide stability and a strong foundation.

Caproic Acid, Caprylic Acid and Capric Acid

I included these together because their names come from the Latin word for “goat,” and all three are found most famously in goat milk—they run about 15% of goat milk fat. Capric acid is also found in coconut oil (10% of coconut fat) and palm oil (4% of palm fat).

The “goat” fats are what give goat milk its distinctive “goaty” odors. Come to think of it, I’ve had coconut oil that had a “funk” to it, and I bet the capric/caprylic acid was to blame. But if you can get past the goatiness, there are benefits to these fatty acids.

Capric acid has been used to inhibit seizures in people with epilepsy, and if you combine it with caprylic acid, the anti-seizure effect seems to increase.

As medium-chain triglycerides, the goat fatty acids increase ketone production. In fact, caprylic acid is the most ketogenic medium-chain triglyceride of all.

Capric acid has anti-fungal properties, showing particular efficacy against Candida, while all three are effective against oral bacteria.

Best sources: goat milk, coconut oil, palm oil.

Lauric Acid

Another medium-chain triglyceride, lauric acid is the primary fatty acid in coconut fat (40-50% lauric acid) and palm kernel fat. It also appears in human breast milk (about 6.2% of total fat).

Lauric acid is anti-microbial. That’s why it appears in breast milk—to help infants ward off pathogens while their immune systems are still developing. And it’s probably why people report getting rid of foot and toenail fungus by smearing their feet with coconut oil at night.

Lauric acid reduces hunger. In one study, people who had lauric acid shot directly into their guts ate less food than the people who had oleic acid shot in.

When you consume lauric acid, some of it is converted into monolaurin, a more potent compound (both coconut oil and breast milk also contain some monolaurin directly) with anti-viral, anti-microbial, and anti-fungal properties.

Lauric acid is not as directly ketogenic as the “goaty” medium-chain triglycerides.

Best sources: coconut fat, palm kernel fat, breast milk.

Myristic Acid

Myristic acid is a perplexing one. Some studies find that its presence in the blood indicates metabolic issues, whereas, as you’ll see below, in the diet it can have some good effects and play some important roles.

The odor of myristic acid draws the newborn to the breast and helps trigger the appetite for mother’s milk.

Myristic acid in milk also possesses anti-listeria activity.

Eating 1-2% of calories as myristic acid—about what you’d get from including a little coconut or moderate amounts of full-fat dairy in your daily diet—improves red blood cell membrane fluidity and lipid profile. Eating that much also improves omega-3 status.

High-fat dairy is consistently linked to better cardiovascular health despite being one of the best sources of myristic acid.

The Tokelau islanders ate a coconut-based diet that was very high in myristic acid; they had excellent cardiovascular health.

What’s happening? Why the discrepancies?

Some in the diet is way better than none. Too much more than 1-2% of calories (about 10% of calories from dairy fat), and the benefits start dropping and even reversing. However, that “1-2%” limit was in the context of a higher-carb diet. If you’re lower carb, you can probably benefit from higher intakes.

Myristic acid in the blood isn’t so much “dangerous” as it is indicative of metabolic dysfunction. For instance, the most reliable way to reduce blood levels of myristic acid is to reduce your carbohydrate intake.

Best sources: nutmeg butter (don’t eat that and go driving, though; nutmeg is downright psychoactive), coconut fat, palm kernel oil, milk fat, breast milk.

Stearic Acid

Stearic acid is enjoying a bit of a renaissance lately. People are mixing isolated stearic acid into clarified butter to create a “super-stearic butter.” Why?

Stearic acid is one of the saturated fats that even SFA-phobes admit has a neutral effect on cholesterol levels. If anything it boosts HDL.

Dietary stearic acid appears to cause “fusing” of our mitochondria—the power plants of our cells—and increase fatty acid oxidation shortly after consumption. In other words, it’s a potent boost to our ability to generate energy.

Diets based on either red meat or cheese—two foods high in stearic acid—improve metabolic and blood markers.

It’s getting really tough to deny the benefits of stearic acid.

Best sources: cocoa butter, beef fat (steer/stearic), dairy, lard.

Palmitic Acid

Palmitic acid gets a terrible rap. In study after study, we find palmitic acid doing bad things to our cells and our health markers. And when you douse cells in pure palmitic acid, they tend to suffer and even die. This looks really bad.

For instance, palmitic acid lowers expression of the LDL receptor gene. Less LDL receptor activity, more time for LDL to hang around in the bloodstream and cause trouble. That’s not good.

Or the fact that palmitic acid is toxic to skeletal muscle cells, impairing glucose uptake and increasing insulin resistance.

Or that palmitic acid induces inflammation and disrupts insulin signaling, suggestive of diabetes. We don’t want diabetes, we don’t want heart disease, and we like our muscle cells to function, so we should probably stop eating any palmitic acid, right?

Except a modicum of oleic acid stimulates LDL receptor activity. And arachidonic acid, a polyunsaturated fat found in animal products often alongside palmitic acid, prevents cell toxicity. And finally, if you throw in a little oleic acid alongside that “inflammatory” palmitic acid, you obliterate the inflammation.

Okay, but what about serum palmitic acid being a harbinger of metabolic disorder? Easy. When you overeat sugar and there’s nowhere to put it and you can’t burn it, the liver converts any extra into palmitic acid to be stored. Elevated palmitic acid is a marker of eating too many carbohydrates (and food in general).

Best sources: dairy fat, ruminant fat, palm oil.

What does it all mean?

Even though today’s post was about the individual saturated fatty acids, we very rarely eat individual fatty acids. Instead, we’re eating fats that contain a half dozen fatty acids or more, or foods that contain fats that contain a half dozen fatty acids. We aren’t cooking with lauric acid or sprinkling pure palmitic acid in the pan. We’re eating foods. And, as part of the food matrix, all the saturated fatty acids I’ve examined have important and valid roles to play.

If you want to avoid palmitic acid but welcome stearic acid, guess what? You’re gonna have to craft some Frankenstein-fat. Foods that contain stearic acid also contain palmitic acid. The best sources of lauric acid are also pretty high in stearic, palmitic, and myristic acid. And so it goes. You can’t avoid palmitic acid and only eat lauric and stearic acid while eating actual food.

If you have any questions, drop them down below.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

References

Wlaz P, Socala K, Nieoczym D, et al. Acute anticonvulsant effects of capric acid in seizure tests in mice. Prog Neuropsychopharmacol Biol Psychiatry. 2015;57:110-6.

Huang CB, Alimova Y, Myers TM, Ebersole JL. Short- and medium-chain fatty acids exhibit antimicrobial activity for oral microorganisms. Arch Oral Biol. 2011;56(7):650-4.

Feltrin KL, Little TJ, Meyer JH, et al. Comparative effects of intraduodenal infusions of lauric and oleic acids on antropyloroduodenal motility, plasma cholecystokinin and peptide YY, appetite, and energy intake in healthy men. Am J Clin Nutr. 2008;87(5):1181-7.

Intorre F, Venneria E, Finotti E, et al. Fatty acid content of serum lipid fractions and blood lipids in normolipidaemic volunteers fed two types of cheese having different fat compositions: a pilot study. Int J Food Sci Nutr. 2013;64(2):185-93.

Gutiérrez-garcía AG, Contreras CM, Díaz-marte C. Myristic acid in amniotic fluid produces appetitive responses in human newborns. Early Hum Dev. 2017;115:32-37.

Chen X, Zhao X, Deng Y, Bu X, Ye H, Guo N. Antimicrobial potential of myristic acid against Listeria monocytogenes in milk. J Antibiot. 2019;72(5):298-305.

Prior IA, Davidson F, Salmond CE, Czochanska Z. Cholesterol, coconuts, and diet on Polynesian atolls: a natural experiment: the Pukapuka and Tokelau island studies. Am J Clin Nutr. 1981;34(8):1552-61.

Hunter JE, Zhang J, Kris-etherton PM. Cardiovascular disease risk of dietary stearic acid compared with trans, other saturated, and unsaturated fatty acids: a systematic review. Am J Clin Nutr. 2010;91(1):46-63.

Thorning TK, Raziani F, Bendsen NT, Astrup A, Tholstrup T, Raben A. Diets with high-fat cheese, high-fat meat, or carbohydrate on cardiovascular risk markers in overweight postmenopausal women: a randomized crossover trial. Am J Clin Nutr. 2015;102(3):573-81.

Mustad VA, Ellsworth JL, Cooper AD, Kris-etherton PM, Etherton TD. Dietary linoleic acid increases and palmitic acid decreases hepatic LDL receptor protein and mRNA abundance in young pigs. J Lipid Res. 1996;37(11):2310-23.

Wen H, Gris D, Lei Y, et al. Fatty acid-induced NLRP3-ASC inflammasome activation interferes with insulin signaling. Nat Immunol. 2011;12(5):408-15.

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