#i mean its early to call this month but like of the 1 shift ive had iv caught 100% of the fraud
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lovesaadiqa · 1 year ago
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the unthethered soul
this book is one that keeps on giving or growing me i should say. my second time reading it helped me realized the different spaces i was in before and now. i seldom go back and read my entries, its kinda of cringe for me especially when i don't see in growth from one post to another, stagnation makes me sad. anyway i cried alot the first time i read this book and this time im highlighting like hell. just to catch me up, ive been driving over the road for 5 months now, initially soothing myself with music, empty conversation from random people and as dangerous as it sounds, tv, movies and murder mysteries. the last 30 days has been silent asf on my truck, no nothing! the window down and my thoughts. i gave the book another go round but ive been applying what im reading and this shit is no joke! ive learned how to know when im in the seat of self, how to be aware of my awareness, how to watch my emotions form, how to disconnect from what im seeing and pay attention to how whatever it is im seeing is making me feel. amateur at best but today was another monster and i can see how i definitely will need my awareness to grow and how consistency will play a major role in how fast i can find my freedom.
its 4th of july, no the weekend, the literal day. i'd been driving for 4 hours and go to my receiver super early because when i started my route i forgot the time zone was going to change. i arrived at 1:30 cst and am told the ppl who unload me was changing shifts and i'd have to wait until 3:45.. there's no pressure but its hard asf to find parking in general but especially on a holiday or weekend so idgaf about nothing but finding parking because im less than 1/2 mile aware from a flying j and dont wanna have to get back on the highway to find parking. i get back in my truck, eat and get on social media. i can feel someone unloading me but it's nowhere near 3:45 so i grab my paperwork and march my ass inside hype like "yes, imma be outta here soon" i get in a realize it was an over zealous worker who came in early for holiday pay (i'd still have to wait for my paperwork to get signed). someone shows up in the office right at 3:45 and im told they have to count and verify my freight which would be at least 30-45 more mins. im ok with that because my appt time wasn't until 5pm and im already unloaded before 4. it's gets dumb tricky because im notified im counted and good to go, i get inside and the guy who is to give me my papers says i have to pay a lumper fee. i've never in all my months had to pay a lumper fee, in fact i don't know wtf that is so i call my dm and I get Matt (he's a rude sob and hate hearing his damn voice) who tells me i have to send a message form. i do as im told but get a reference number on my tablet that says give this to the ppl inside to pay, i get inside give them the code and they tell me to put it in the payment slot on the text they sent (in my head im screaming "what fucking text") -- fuck the rest of the story
as im walking back and forth from my truck to the receiver i can feel the agitation building, my responses are on the rude side, i can hear my consciousness forewarning me that im getting heated. i tried to feel what was happening inside of me as im also trying to remain professional. i tell myself that im only frustated because i dont think im going to be able to find parking, im losing it becasue wtf is a lumper fee and wtf you mean i have to pay it, what text did you send me on top of hearing "western express this is Matt" lmmfaooooo. i get to the fucking gate to leave and the bitch gone say "can you pull all the way up im pregnant and i dont feel like walking to the back of your trailer. i legit wanted to run her tf over because bitch you at work and pregnant ppl arent handicapped HOT!!!! In the time it took me to tell myself to calm and actually calming down i ran a stop sign and drove past the flying j entrance.
then i get to my lil to do list and im supposed to read a chapter: Removing Your Inner Thorn (im literally fighting back tears writing this) the second fucking sentence "In order to grow, you must give up the struggle to remain the same, and learn to embrace change at all time" ATE ME TF UP! Im not the same because now i have the awareness to spot, feel and identify my emotions before they have me in a chokehold. knowing all that i still copped an attitude and let them run me. this chapter talks about have a literal thorn piercing a nerve and the options you have to avoid the pain. first option is to avoid anything that will touch, bother, graze, tap, irritate your torn.. second option, remove the fucking thorn all together! a few lines that made me legit get my laptop, come into the pilot and write this entire entry: if you decide you have to keep things from touching the thorn, then that becomes the work of a lifetime; the life of protecting yourself from the problem becomes a perfect reflection of the problem itself; you can actually fell that because you've minimized the pain of the problem, you've solved the problem.. all you did was devote your life to avoiding it; the problem will be back the moment the external situation fails to protect you from what's inside; you are not the pain you feel; the thorns naturally work themselves out if you stop protecting them; you do no get rid of loneliness (or any thorn sadness, depression, anxiety, short temper, a broken heart, abdandonment) you just cease to be involved with it, it just another thing in the universerse like cars, glass or the stars.
i cant began to explain how i did the work and then read the book. there is no joy like getting it. i understand now. im praying for more situations to arise so i can better at this and win inner peace for myself. the ultimate goal for me is to sit in the seat of self and remain there.. i just know with my whole heart i will read this book until the cover falls off because it is a complete guide to spiritual freedom, in my opinion. i have about 6 books on my truck right now and this one is the most got a second read before i finished any of the other one for a first time. im happy to be here. in this space, with this awareness and the understanding of what to do with it and how if benefits me. i will get so fucking good at this!!
i hope when you come back to read this it wont be cringe babygirl. i wish you nothing but healing and total well being. to think that coming face to face with a pain that made you know want to wake up no more got you here is nothing but God's love for you. its so important to realize that it was all necessary! forgive, relax and release Saadiqa but most importantly remain thank for it all. equipped with the know-how to watch your thoughts and detach from them should make this journey so fucking delicious. you are awareness and EVERTHING else is an object of your consciousness. the feelings, the thoughts that get stuck on repeat, other people, aging, your body.. all of it. just a thing/things you've become aware of, they are not you. never, ever, ever forget that. leaving the seat of self is such a massive step down that some people do it for a single thing and they're never able to return again. that is the prize, the gift of a life lived. Chapter 8 over and over and over and over again!!!! please get this Saadiqa it is my life's wish for you NEVER STEP DOWN!
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loverboybitch · 3 years ago
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haha weed go brrrrrrrr.//.
#.//.#ok guys i have to tell u this because its so funny to me lol#fully found actual empirical evidence that stopping smoking weed (and also a mental breakdown) is what made me bad at my job#i stopped smoking weed in july of 2020 rite and was having an mental breakdown for the proceeding like month then idk rest of that year#but today! we got new graphs at work that were built out to track out key performance indicators#and literally i would post the graph but it is confidential internal document#but like.. literally july and then more in august my stats just start TANKING lmao#i always thought my stats were just not that good and when they raised the kpis it showed more but nope i just looked back to 2019#and literally that is the same month my stats just DROP#and now that iv been smoking again my stats r trending up again over the last two months#i mean its early to call this month but like of the 1 shift ive had iv caught 100% of the fraud#so#like thats crazy#i deleted the post about how i thought it was funky how my friends remark about me smoking again cause its almost like their relieved#cause i think i was cooler and chiller and funnier and sexier as a stoner#so its funny that that is probably true but also so is that weed made me better at my actual job ha ha#still not going to smoke as much as i used to cause that was out of hand and out of pocket but my littel joints at teh end of my day rules#anyway <3 had a suprise meeting with my managers and it was actually chill cause im feeling good ha also maybe cause weed#im not gonna explain my own headcanon psych behind why i think weed is super good for me actually but trust me its thought out#anyway im on lunch so pretty picture blog time <3 hope u enjoy
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bucky-iss-bae · 4 years ago
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Reminiscences - Peter Hale x OFC (Part 2)
Hello againnnn - so I’m finally back, finally going to be active. 
My life has been a mess, I’ve not been motivated, and mentally I’ve gone through a lot the last 10 months, got thorugh University, Graduated, got a job, was a shit job, got another grad job during quarentine, and it’s been good and bad... 
Sorry for never posting and being bad at this, but I want to bounce back, so now its timmmeee. Also this Fic is actually completed. 
Want to post more, and just give you guys good content xoxo 
Fandom: Teen Wolf
Pairing: Peter Hale x OFC (Calla)
Word Count: 2900 (Sorryyy, idk why it’s so long) 
Warnings: None - Slow Start I guess
Summary: Calla has grown up as Derek’s best friend, she’s known the Hales her whole life,she’s known their secrets and everything in Beacon Hills. Things in Beacon Hills are quiet, the pack are a family, and Calla realises that Peter knows more of her secrets than she realises.
A/N: Hope you all enjoy, any feedback is welcome x
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Peter Hale x OFC - Reminiscenes Part 1 
Part 2 
The days following that evening I completely ignored Peter. I saw him whenever he was lurking around Derek’s, I even went to the efforts of walking the complete opposite direction as him when I went grocery shopping. But if he remembers, everything every single thing I told him. Then I may as well die now. Especially since he’ll use that against me. This is Peter we’re on about.
“So you’ve apparently been ignoring Peter?” Derek asked once he settled onto my couch on Thursday.
I rolled my eyes, “And. There’s nothing wrong with that, he’s a psycho”
Derek huffed out a laugh, “There is when it makes him mopey. He comes around to mine in hope that you’re there you know”  
“Well, maybe he should stop trying to be such a stalker” I told his nephew. It was weird that there was such a large but short age difference between Peter and us. He wasn’t ever seen as the adult when we were younger, he had a boyish smirk, he had charm, and wit, and was so different compared to how he is now. He completely changed because of the fire, and the 5 years of solitude almost. He grew up, yet I didn’t see this change despite being the only person visiting him. I didn’t know he was the alpha yet I made a fool out of myself by being there for him, and he couldn’t even trust me.
“You sure it’s that?” Derek asked.
“Derek. If you’re here to talk about Peter then you can just leave. Actually no you can’t you don’t have an option, stop talking about Peter, tonight is about us. If you want I’ll send him a text saying hi later and then ignore him”
Derek shook his head a small smirk on his face. I felt a bit bad that I was taking Derek away from his boyfriend. But I needed my best friend sometimes as well.
“Good, now how are things with Stiles going?”
Derek huffed out a laugh, “They’re going well. Really well actually, never really thought that I would end up with him, but it’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. And I sound like a soppy teenager. So let’s talk about your love life”
I snorted, “Right, what love life? Actually, I went on a date last week, it was a complete failure. I’m just glad that the girls who set me up with him don’t work in the same department as him”  
Derek started to laugh, “How comes I didn’t know about this?”
“Because I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t even... it wasn’t even a big deal for me. I wasn’t excited, I just wanted to get it over and done with, and the worst thing is when I was getting into my car at the end of the night he tried to kiss me. And Derek I still cringe, what happened was I turned my head so fast he kissed my hair. Completely missed the cheek”
This caused Derek to laugh, loudly, at me. “Wow Calla. Who would’ve thought huh?” He asked.
I rolled my eyes at him, “Shut up. It was a mess, so I rather not talk about that. Instead, I’m going to set up a tinder profile.”
Derek still had this amused smirk on his face, it was nice seeing him like this. For the first time in years, he was happy. His life was on track, sure there were constant threats to the town, but that happens, that’s part of the job description of being a werewolf, and with Derek being a complete shifter, it makes a difference.
But being with Stiles makes a difference, you can literally see the way that he looks at him, and I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time. He’s almost that young cocky guy he once was, but a more matured version who has a history to him. Who has so much more to himself than ever before, and I’m proud of him. Proud of everything he’s gone through and defeated. I know his mom, and sister would also be proud of him, whether he’s an alpha or not, he’s still so powerful, and has such a good heart.
“Let’s get started then” He grinned at me.
I rolled my eyes and rather than Pizza we ordered Chinese food, and rather than watching a film we created a tinder profile for me. It was terrible, Derek called in the big guns and Stiles was on Face time with us, which made it even worse for me. But I didn’t mind, I love stiles, and boy let me tell you he added spice to my basic profile. And obviously gave my pictures a yes or no.
“I’ve helped you guys this far, let me help with the swiping” Stiles said through the phone.
I scoffed at him, “Derek say bye to your man he’s helped enough”
Derek shook his head with a small smile on his face, “You heard the boss” He said to him.
“All that help, you better show me your matches or who you’ve spoken to over the next few days Calla. I’ll know if you don’t”
I laughed at him and Derek soon hung up, “Come on, let’s see who’s around then”
Both Derek and I started swipping through these guys, commenting to each other, and swiping left or right. Mainly left. Let’s be honest. Most of these guys either looked like guys who were balding too early in life, or others who were after a quick fuck. Despite everything I did manage to swipe right a few times.
“Please let’s stop now. Like, if you think I’m going actually going to find anyone through tinder its... not likely. It’s just a bit of fun, could lead to a quick lay”
“The same way Stiles and I getting together wasn’t likely”
I grinned at him “I should’ve called it. When you constantly wanted to get mad at him, way back when, and you just couldn’t. But that itself feels like years ago”
“Yeah, the same way my uncle spared your life?” Derek said back.
I glared at him and hit his arm, “I hate you, and I’m pretty sure your uncle is a sociopath”
“Yeah. Same but, let’s be real here. He has a soft spot for you Calla”
“Derek, I will stab you if you don’t shut up.”
“I would love to see you try”
I narrowed my eyes at him, “I will call Argent right now and get him to help me out”
He laughed, “Alright, I’ll shut up now. I’m sorry”
I nodded, “You better be sorry... Also why do you keep bringing up your uncle of all people to me?” I asked curiously.
Derek knows nothing of what I done whilst he was away, he knows nothing of the feelings I once harboured for Peter, maybe I still do which is why I’m so defensive, but no one needs to know this. But still, there’s got to be a reason behind Derek’s madness right now. Maybe Peter wormed his way into his head? It’s a possibility.
“You just said you wanted me to shut up”
I shrugged, “Just curious. Then you can shut up, and we can watch something”
He shook his head, “The way he acts around you I guess. He’s a prick towards everyone, including you don’t get me wrong, but he’s a different type of prick round you. And he cares about you, he gets protective, worries, cares”
I would be lying if I said that didn’t affect me, but it does. Although it means nothing.
“Derek, are you forgetting that I was basically raised around him. Wherever you were, he was, or the other way around. Like he’s been a constant figure in my life for a very long time. Sure he wasn’t mobile for a few of those years. But he was still in Beacon Hills. So maybe that’s why, maybe he has something that slightly resembles feelings from when he’s younger and he sees me as the kid that he used to teach basketball to, and just putting this out there I am amazing at basketball, which has got to be the meaning behind this madness, and this is because of him, and maybe a little you, but still”
“Really? We live in this town, and that’s what you call madness?” He asked.
“Yes Derek. That is madness, you’re forgetting I’m just a human girl who only just knows how to defend herself and I rather have that as my type of madness instead of anything else”
“How have you actually been?” He asked me giving me a serious look, “Like... you’ve literally been thrown into this world again, months after your parents passed away, and sure that was a couple of years ago, but you rarely see your younger brother because he’s working abroad, and the only other family you have is us. But most weekends we’re off fighting something supernatural, and you’re just at the loft, waiting.”
I shrugged, “I’m fine Derek. I’m happy... sure I miss my parents a lot and that set me back a lot. That made me want to constantly curl up into a ball and just cry. But having you back, having this normal-ish again. These last few months, I’ve gotten better. Ive also got my girls” I said with a smile, but he looked at me, waiting for me to elaborate causing me to sigh and twist my body completely towards him,
“Derek, I’m working an amazing Job, sure it doesn’t pay the best but I don’t need the money. I have money, instead I’m doing something I enjoy, and they’re easy shifts. I’ve always wanted to be an elementary teacher, but without the stress so a teaching assistant is the best thing. And I have Fridays off, and I do talk to my brother. Just not as often as I want because he’s doing so well for himself in London. And I have you Derek, I have my life long best friend. After everything we’ve been through we’re both here and we’re both happy. Sure my life could be further along than it currently is, but I’m finally in a good place”
He nodded at me, “Good” He whispered, “I’m happy to hear that”
“I hate you” I said shaking my head, but in reality he knows that I love him and he is my absolute best friend no matter how much I want to kill him.  
**
Apparently Lydia and Malia found it amusing that I now have an online dating profile. Everyone did, all aside from one person. That person I’m still avoiding but he still finds a way to worm his way into my life, especially since I’m currently sat with the girls, who are judging each and every guy whose photo I scroll through, and his face pops up.
Malia was laughing, seeing her father’s face on my phone, and Lydia finding it as amusing made me realise I need more friends other than Derek my age. Especially since Lydia decided on swiping right.
“Well, well, it’s a match” Lydia laughed, “But it makes me think, whats the maximum age you’re hitting here”
I rolled my eyes with a small scoff, trying to keep my heartbeat in place, “Well, if I wanted to talk to him. I would, yet I’m not, and you just swiped for me, that’s not fair, and guy my age are… I don’t know” I said to them.
“Well he clearly wants to talk to you” Lydia murmured.
I scoffed, “He wants to get under my skin. It’s what he does. Anyway don’t you girls have I don’t know other stuff to do?” I asked trying to change the subject.
“Nope, completely free tonight.” Lydia grinned.
I internally groaned but only seconds later was I literally saved by the bell, my phone started to ring, and Derek’s name popped up.
“Hello” I answered.
“Where are you?” He asked.
“I’m at Lydia’s place. With Lydia and Malia. Why?”
“No reason. Just, a few threats about, tell me when you’re going to leave to get home, and message me when you get there alright”
I rolled my eyes but had a small smile on my face, “Yes of course Derek. Do you know who or what it is?”
“Not sure yet. Probably isn’t something too dangerous. But whatever it is, they’re drawing other hunters to town. And now we have twice as much to look out for.”
“Stay safe then Derek. Does Chris know the hunters?”
“He’s looking into it”
I nodded, “Alright then. Just make sure you’re all safe and everything ok”
“Yeah always. Remember to message me when you get home” He then hung up and I looked at Lydia,
“What’s happened?” She asked me,
“Something else is out there, along with some hunters. And now I’m worried that these hunters will obviously know about our boys, and one thing will lead to another and someone might get hurt”
She had a worried expression on her face before looking at Malia who was on the phone to Scott, “We’ll figure it out. We always do”
I nodded, although I didn’t get involved as much considering I’m human with no special ability at all, and no badge, and well I’m not the smartest of the bunch. I just make sure everyone’s safe and worry about them all whilst making sure they eat and do their homework. That’s obviously the teacher side of me coming out there, no matter what ages I teach even if I am only a teaching assistant who works 4 days a week.  
“So Scott just said that Stiles and Chris are trying to find out who the hunters actually are, and that he Derek and Peter are going to find whatever’s out there. He told me to stay here...”
“You’re not are you?” Lydia asked.
Malia smirked and shook her head, “Nope. And I’m pretty sure you two won’t either, so who’s going to drop me off at Scott’s house?”
Both Lydia and I looked at each other before sighing and getting up, we got our stuff together, she called out to her mom telling her that we were going to Scott’s before we all left.
**
“What are you all doing here?” Scott asked once we walked in.
“You think we’re really going to let all the boys have the fun?” Malia asked her boyfriend, “And come on, I know those woods better than anything” She shrugged.
No one could deny that, both her and Chris were the best hunters here. As in being able to physically find something with the given clues.
“And I’m here to assist Stiles and Chris apparently” Lydia shrugged, everyone easily let that pass before all eyes were on me.
“I thought I told you to go home. It’s dangerous”
I shrugged, “I know. I really didn’t have any other choice” I said nodding my head towards Malia.
“Well you should just go home then. You’ll just be in the way otherwise” Peter snapped at me.
I rose my eyebrows at him, silently cursing Lydia for swiping right on his stupid face.
“I might just stay, make sure you don’t snake anyone out” I spat back to him.
“What and you think you’ll be able to stop me?”
“Peter won’t do anything, we’re not even sure what the problem is at the moment. So just go home Calla” Derek told me.
I felt a bit taken back at how blunt and rude he was at that, and considering no one decided on saying anything, I just grabbed my bag and left without a word. Because hey there’s nothing new there, being treated like I’m nothing despite seeing everyone as family. I would’ve expected a bit more considering they’ve got literal kids in there helping yet I can’t. Even if it is to make sure they’re all safe and not making stupid plans. I was there when Talia was alpha, I know how things work. Instead I just get embarrassed surrounded by my friends, and left to feel worthless because I’m of no help.
As soon as I got in my car, I knew that all I needed right now was a glass of wine, and some trash TV.
Which is exactly what I done when I got home, wine, some trash TV, and the comfort of my own apartment. And as petty as I may sound, I just hate feeling this way, and knowing that it’s something that constantly happens, I don’t see why I get involved in the first place. It’s the same old thing, I try and be there for everyone, they shut me out whenever shit goes down and I just keep running back. But no this isn’t going to keep happening because this week I will make the time and effort to go out with my girlfriends. I’ll dress up and have fun without worrying about anything else. Derek won’t be there to stop me, Peter won’t be there with his snarky remarks, and I won’t be surrounded by teenagers.
Which is exactly why I messaged my friends that I’m always talking to yet never have the time to see because I’m constantly with everyone else. We spoke for a little while before I asked when everyone was free for drinks, and guess what this girl is doing on Thursday after work. A night out, with my girls, and I can’t wait.  
Because I really felt in the mood to treat myself, I also planned on going shopping with one of the girls tomorrow after work. So no harm done there, I’ll buy myself a new outfit, some new makeup all ready for Thursday.
Peter Hale x OFC - Reminiscences Part 3 
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shannendoherty-fans · 4 years ago
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Shannen Doherty Is Not Signing Off Just Yet
Fighting Stage IV breast cancer has forced some self-reflection, but the ’90s icon and so-called diva refuses to slow down.
By Kate Pickert Sep 29, 2020. Photos by Kurt Iswarienko. Elle USA October 2020 issue
On a cool evening in February 2019, Shannen Doherty invited some friends to a Venice, California, rental house for a dinner party. Doherty’s actual home was in Malibu, 20 miles north, but she and her husband, photographer Kurt Iswarienko, had fled the property a few months earlier, when a wildfire that started inland burned nearly 100,000 acres on its way to the Pacific Ocean. The couple’s house survived the blaze, but Doherty says the property sustained significant damage that made it uninhabitable.
The guest list for the dinner included only people Doherty trusted: her husband and the friends who knew the real Shannen—not the 1990s tabloid caricature, the loudmouthed bad girl with a temper. Actress Sarah Michelle Gellar was there, along with model Anne Marie Kortright, Malibu real estate agent Chris Cortazzo, and a Los Angeles doctor named Lawrence Piro.
Doherty had compiled the guest list, but it was Piro, her oncologist, who drove the conversation. Less than two years earlier, the actress had finished treatment for breast cancer, and Piro was at the dinner to explain that Doherty’s disease was back. The cancer, Piro said, was now metastatic (also known as Stage IV), meaning it had spread beyond Doherty’s breast and lymph nodes. “The way he presented everything to everyone was matter-of-fact,” Doherty, 49, tells me when we speak in June. The news was devastating, of course, and Doherty had invited Piro so her friends could get answers to the questions she knew they would have. Would she die of this? Probably. Would she die soon? Probably not. Why did this happen? It was impossible to know. Could this be treated? Yes, to a point. “Everybody got to ask questions and know what we were looking at as a group, as a team,” Doherty says.
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About 300,000 American women are diagnosed with breast cancer every year. In the majority of cases, initial treatment for the disease is effective, curing the patient. But in a significant share of cases, the breast cancer returns, either to the breast or nearby lymph nodes or to other parts of the body. In Doherty’s case, despite the surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation she had undergone after her first diagnosis, it seemed that some cancer cells had survived the assault and made their way to her spine. Eventually, the disease will most likely spread further, to Doherty’s brain, lungs, liver, or some combination thereof.
Still, there was reason for hope, Piro told the group. Treatment for metastatic breast cancer, which was once an automatic death sentence, has advanced in recent years, with patients living longer and having a better quality of life. Some survive for a decade or more. Doherty’s treatment would include hormone therapy to block the estrogen fueling her cancer, plus a second targeted drug that is often effective at stabilizing metastatic disease. If this didn’t work, there were other drug combinations to try, but the bottom line was that Doherty would be in treatment for the rest of her life. As Piro explained all this, his patient sat at the table, listening.
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Nearly 30 years after she played Brenda Walsh on Beverly Hills, 90210, Doherty is still striking, with high cheekbones and shiny, jet-black hair. “I think people have a mental picture of Stage IV cancer as someone sitting in a gray hospital gown, looking out a window on their deathbed,” Iswarienko, tells me. “I don’t see a cancer patient when I look at Shannen. I see the same woman I fell in love with. She looks healthy and vital.”
As if a massive wildfire and a metastatic cancer diagnosis weren’t enough, there was more bad news to come. Weeks after the Venice dinner, Doherty’s 90210 costar Luke Perry died suddenly of a massive stroke. After the show, they had grown apart, but they’d reconnected in recent years. They were even talking about working together, developing a new television project.
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At a memorial service for Perry in March 2019, Doherty saw Brian Austin Green, the only other 90210 castmate she could call a close friend. Green had known Doherty even before they were onscreen together, and she shared the news of her metastatic diagnosis with him, even though she was keeping it under wraps publicly. Doherty and Green chatted at the memorial, and the conversation eventually shifted to the latest reboot of the show, called BH90210, a scripted-reality version of the old nighttime drama set in the present day. Castmates Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth had helped come up with the idea for the series, which had been green-lighted at Fox, and all the principals of the original had signed on—except Doherty.
Even before her cancer diagnosis, Doherty was dead set against doing the show. “I had already done two 90210s by that point,” she says. “I didn’t really see it as something that was going to help, but I did feel that it could stir up stuff from when I was 19 years old.”
The 1990s made Doherty a household name, but the decade also left scars. She had helped build 90210 and the Fox network into juggernauts, but on and off set, she seemed to run into problems wherever she went. Celebrity tabloids regularly published stories about Doherty fighting with producers, writers, and actors. She was a diva, according to reports. She was a bitch, they said, impossible to deal with. A 1993 People magazine cover declared Doherty “Out of Control!” after the actress’s ex-fiancé accused her in court of threatening him with bodily harm. The story itself, one of many like it, reported that Doherty had “left a trail of bad debts, trashed homes, exhausted friendships, and wasted relationships.” There was even an I Hate Brenda newsletter devoted to bad-mouthing Doherty and her onscreen character. “The more stories that were written about me, the more defensive and closed off I became,” Doherty tells me. “And the bigger the walls I built around me. I had a lot of resentment.” 
Doherty had worked hard to move on from that time. When the newest reboot came around, she had long been out of the spotlight, but her relative obscurity had an upside—privacy, which she prized more than anything. She didn’t want to go back, to the tabloids or her castmates. But Green asked her to reconsider. “I was really pitching her: ‘I know it’s going to be fucking hard, but come do it. I think it’ll be really good for you,’ ” Green says. The actors had grown up and were all different people now, Green told her, and so was she. He would act as a buffer if she needed one. “ ‘This is a rare opportunity to experience each other again in a much different way,’ ” Green says he told her. 
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Perry’s death shifted things for Doherty. Maybe the show could be a sort of tribute to him. Maybe it was a chance to prove to herself that metastatic breast cancer didn’t mean the end of working. Maybe it was both. “Things happen and you go, ‘All right, this is what I’m supposed to be doing at this moment,’ ” she says.
This moment would be different. Doherty had changed, yes, but so had her ability to fight back against negative stories in the celebrity press. “I knew that once I signed up for the show, the bullshit would start all over again. And, in fact, it did,” she says. The reboot’s showrunner and several writers quit before the new show began shooting, and rumors swirled that Doherty was once again acting out. “I addressed it immediately,” Doherty says. On Instagram, she wrote, “I refuse to be cast in the same villain role because ‘journalists’ lack imagination.… I am a woman with my own story.” She wrote that the rumors about her causing upheaval with the new show were untrue and that she was a more complicated person than the headlines made her seem: “I promise,” she wrote, “you don’t know me.”
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spartanguard · 5 years ago
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sick of love (3/3)
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Summary: If Emma’s not careful, she just might bump into her soulmate. Physically. And while she might like the idea of what comes with that���an almost psychic connection whenever they make skin contact—she’d rather not deal with the awful withdrawal sickness that can come when they inevitably leave her; she’s got a son, so she doesn’t have time for that. So she keeps herself covered and thinks she’ll be okay. Until she meets Killian, who does the same thing. Will their barriers protect them, or just hurt them more?
CS Soulmates AU | Rated M | 10.6k | part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | AO3
A/N: LAST CHAPTER AH. I meant to have this done sooner, but I didn’t get much writing done at camp—so here we are on Friday! It ended up much longer than anticipated, but this is where it earns the M rating. I hope this was worth the wait, and thank you for sticking with it!
As stated before, this story was inspired by this tumblr post. Thank you again to the organizers of @cssns for putting on this awesome event and to @sherlockianwhovian for making that AMAZING art up there!
Wrong.
So fucking wrong.
More wrong than any other time in her life. 
That first night after the collision on the train, she got drunk on Sam Adams and blamed that on why the barrage of text messages from Killian mysteriously disappeared from her phone.
By Thursday, Henry had asked why they hadn’t yet had dinner with Killian that week. “Because you have school now, mister,” worked as an excuse.
And thankfully, she managed to hide her sigh of relief when Killian wasn’t at dinner at the Nolans, supposedly because he was called into work.
Halfway through the next week, Henry asked if they had a fight or something. “Yeah, or something,” was her lame, mumbled response. “It’s an adult thing.”
That was enough to get him to stop asking questions, though he had plenty of comments after the following Friday’s dinner—she decided that would be the best time to track her latest skip and dropped Henry off to stay with Snow and Dave for the night, and her resolve hardened when she saw the Chevelle in the driveway.
“You know, Killian seemed kind of mopey,” Henry told her when she picked him up the next morning. “Kind of like he did when we first met him.”
“He just gets like that sometimes; maybe it was something at work.”
“Maybe; I dunno. It seemed different. He says hi, though.”
He’d said more than that in the texts she kept deleting. Though those were usually something along the lines of Please, Swan—just talk to me.
What she wouldn’t admit was how much those broke her heart.
She wanted to; she really did. She missed him, dammit. But that would mean acknowledging whatever had passed between them as something real, that the whole idea actually had merit, and she wasn’t ready for that level of anything yet. She wasn’t even ready to kiss him, for fuck’s sake; even the title “boyfriend” held more weight than she was ready to carry.
And part of her still was in denial, sure that she’d imagined it because of that little romantic part of her that wanted something more.
She’d learned long ago to ignore that small voice, and she could shut it up again.
She didn’t do soulmates.
*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*
A couple more weeks went by and fall arrived—her favorite. She wrapped up in a scarf on that first day, inhaling the chill in the air and making sure to stop for a pumpkin spice latte. Part of her wondered what kind of scarf Killian was wearing, if he even had one on—and then the rest of her put that idea to rest. 
His texts became more sporadic; she never saw him on the train. He hadn’t been at Snow and David’s the last couple weeks and apparently had been stuck on the night shift for the last month. She was getting better at not thinking about him, but her mind generally wandered in his direction without her realizing it had.
There was a near run-in a week ago at the Chinese place; she saw his name on the receipt of the bag next to hers, and never paid so quick in her life. But otherwise, she’d been Killian-free for a month and was feeling just fine.
See? Nothing to worry about, she assured herself. Maybe in a couple more weeks, she could seek him out again, apologize, and they could carry on like that scare never happened.
But that thought got delayed when she came down with a cold a few days later.
She had a headache that wouldn’t go away and was tired a lot more than usual. The kitchen lights seemed especially harsh and there was a lingering bit of nausea that never quite sent her running for the toilet, but was definitely annoying.
“Are you feeling okay, Henry?” she’d ask every day, checking for a fever and his skin for any clamminess. She just needed to touch him, to make sure he was okay; or maybe she was being clingy because he had just started middle school.
“I’m fine, Mom,” he’d say, shrugging her off. “Are you?”
“Yeah, totally.”
Part of her wondered, when the nausea continued for a week without abating, if she was somehow pregnant again. It felt a lot like the early stages. But immaculate conception had only happened once, to her knowledge, so she had probably just picked up the flu somewhere.
She tried to power through it—even going on desk duty at her bail bonds firm (which she rarely, if ever did), but then her hands started cramping up from all the typing and kind of stayed that way. And good lord, that was terrible coffee in there, but she was so parched that she’d take it. She complained about it to Snow, who gave her a sidelong glance that fell somewhere between pitying and knowing, but amazingly gave no lecture. She just gave her a box of rose-flavored tea and a hug. 
It wasn’t the first time she’d been sick in Henry’s lifetime—no one had that good an immune system—but she felt terrible that it was putting her so out of commission (in addition to, you know, feeling terrible).
“What kind of flu did you give me, kid?” she asked, voice hoarse, when Henry brought her tea in bed on her birthday. 
“Maybe it’s something worse, Mom,” he said, and she could see how scared he was. “Maybe you should go to the ER?”
Cold dread washed over her at the mention of the place (or maybe it was just a chill resulting from the recently developed fever; it was hard to tell). “No; I’m not that bad,” she promised, despite how awful she sounded. “But if it makes you feel better, I’ll go to urgent care.”
There was one on their block, but she didn’t even have the energy to walk that far. Just getting to her car was draining. Her hand struggled to cooperate with the pen while filling out forms, which included firmly checking the “no” box next to the question asking if she had lovesickness. She had the flu—that was it. 
(Not that lovesickness had any true treatment; even at hospitals, all they could do was put a person on an IV of fluids and pain killers until it was done. So there was really no point in an urgent care even asking. Jerks.)
The doctor asked the usual questions—symptoms, how long she’d had them, and a whole bunch of other stuff that was already on the forms—before actually reading what was on the clipboard, squinting, then looking up at her skeptically. “Are you sure you don’t have lovesickness?”
“Positive,” she snapped back. 
He gave her another incredulous look, shook his head, and wrote her a prescription for a generic antibiotic—which was all she needed, she was sure, and not the judgment of some two-bit doctor with bleached hair. 
She felt better the next morning, after medicine and rest; good enough to go to work, so she started to get ready. See—she’d been right! It was just a bug. Nothing crazy or earth-shattering, just a run-of-the-mill thing. 
Or, at least, that was her last thought before the world turned on it’s axis and she passed out on her bed. 
*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*
“Emma, are you sure I can’t take you to the hospital? You passed out, for crying out loud!” She could always count on David’s brotherly instincts to border on paternal. 
“I’ll be fine; I promise. I just need to ride it out some more.”
David huffed, clearly not pleased with the situation. She wasn’t thrilled with it, either, but she wasn’t fit to be Henry’s mom until this thing had ran its course, or the antibiotics stopped making her dizzy—whichever came first. Henry was the one who found her unconscious, though she roused quickly; but it shook him enough that she didn’t want him around while she was still this sick. She’d never forgive herself if she got him sick, too. 
“And you’re sure it’s just a bug?”
“Yes! Oh my god,” she rasped out, though it didn’t sound as convincing with her weakened voice. “Go! Have fun! Make sure he gets to school on time, does his homework, et cetera.”
David sighed again, but she could tell from the slump of his shoulders that he’d relented. “Alright; but make yourself some tea and get some rest. We’ll check in on you—no complaints. And if you don’t answer your phone, we’re coming to get you.”
“Fine,” she huffed; that was fair. Henry shuffled out from his room then, with an overstuffed duffel. For a moment, it reminded her of being a kid and her entire life fitting in one of those as she was moved from home to home; her eyes watered at the memory, but she—and Henry—knew he had a home to come back to; this was temporary. “Be good for your aunt and uncle,” she told him, and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead (which seemed a lot closer to chin than it had the day before).
“I will. Please get better soon, Mom,” he said, worry in his voice and his big brown eyes.
“I will. I promise.” 
She couldn’t get worse, right?
Why did she keep saying that? Famous last words, no doubt. 
Because she’d hardly settled on the couch after they left before another wave of vertigo struck and she nearly spilled her tea (of course, Snow had sent another box over). Though it might not have been that bad if she had, because she was also feeling awfully chilled, despite having two fleece blankets draped over her. (If she just gave it an hour, she’d be dealing with a manic hot flash instead.)
But this was better, she knew—Henry would be looked after and she’d be able to heal without anyone bothering her. And it was kind of nice having the apartment to herself for a couple days; that didn’t happen often.
It got dull fast, though. And quiet, oddly enough, even though she was able to watch whatever she wanted on Netflix (Henry hated Outlander; she didn’t).
It was...lonely. Again. Possibly more than ever in her life. It was one thing to not have anyone, like she had when she was a kid. But now that she had people—David, Snow, Henry...Killian, she had to admit—the solitude felt bigger without them there.
And, really, she had no one to blame but herself there. Old habits die hard and all that. As much as she tried to tell herself it was better if they weren’t around her germs, she could also really go for a hug right about now; wrapping her arms around herself didn’t quite cut it.
But this was her bed (well, nest of blankets on the couch) and she had to lay in it until this all passed. At least she had Jamie and Claire to distract her.
So she pulled the blankets a little tighter around her and settled in.
*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*
The next few days passed in a haze of tea, takeout, and the Scottish highlands, though she had to rewatch multiple episodes due to her worsening state and the fact that she kept passing out in the middle (always right before the good stuff, annoyingly). She managed to reply to all of David’s messages fast enough to not cause worry on his end, but that was almost all she had energy for. Bless whoever came up with Door Dash.
And she wasn’t just tired in general—she was tired of being sick. How much longer could one body take to fight off...whatever this was? It had been nearly 6 weeks, all told. The antibiotic script ran out without taking the illness with it. The tea helped a bit, but getting as far as the kitchen to make it was a challenge with the nausea, vertigo, and tunnel vision she was fighting against.
Thank goodness she had an escape on the TV. 
(There were a few strange instances, though, where her foggy mind twisted Jamie’s Scottish brogue into Killian’s accent; and damn did their blue eyes look similar, even if the rest of them didn’t. She may have had a couple of vivid dreams along that line, though.)
But then Jamie and Claire both got lovesickness in season 3. And art started imitating life a bit too much for her liking.
Annoyed, she turned off the TV and pulled herself up from couch so she could shuffle into the kitchen and get more tea.
Fucking Outlander. Fucking sassenach. Fucking soulmates. Fucking lovesickness. Fucking Killian.
Not that kind of fucking, though.
Wait, why did her train of thought go there?
Trains...soulmates...lovesick...Killian.
Dammit.
She shook her head as she plopped down on the floor of her kitchen, still wrapped in blankets while waiting on the tea kettle. That was probably a burned bridge, if she was being honest. She hadn’t heard from him in at least two days, so she had to assume he’d given up; it wouldn’t be the first time someone did that to her, but it was probably the most deserved. Try as she might, she still hadn’t forgotten what happened on the train, and she still had no logical explanation for it...save for one.
The kettle was starting to hiss but she ignored it. Had she overreacted? In an effort to avoid what she’d feared for so long, had her own stubbornness and walls just pushed her right into it? Was she really in the same position she’d just seen on her screen...was she lovesick?
A knock on the door jolted her from her thoughts, though; it was probably the pizza delivery. She wasn’t even really sure why she’d picked that to order, though it probably had something to do with Killian being on her mind. It took some struggle to pull herself up off the floor, her stiff muscles protesting each movement, but she managed to get upright with only a minor amount of vertigo; maybe she was getting better, after all?
There was another knock. “I’m coming,” she tried to shout, but her voice could only go so loud. As fast as she could manage—which wasn’t very—she limped to the door, brushed her hair behind her ears in a weak attempt at looking presentable, unlatched the lock, and opened it.
But she wasn’t greeted by the smell of dough and melted cheese, or by an annoying teenage delivery boy—no, that was taking its sweet time, as usual. Her heart actually stopped for a brief moment, because on the other side of the door was Killian.
And he looked as awful as she felt. 
“Emma,” he breathed, a faint smile pulling at his weary features, but it faded fast as a cough took over and nearly rattled him off the door frame he was leaning on.
“Killian.” She nearly choked on his name. “How...how did you find my address?” They’d somehow never been to each other’s places.
“David,” he answered. Normally, he would have shrugged, but it probably hurt too much right now. Like her, he had dark circles under his eyes and sheen of sweat on his forehead that his hair was clinging to. He had on a pair of scrub pants and a black sweater under his usual leather jacket, under which his chest was heaving after no doubt climbing the three flights of stairs to her apartment. Oddly, he didn’t have his prosthesis on. “Can we please talk, finally?” 
Even the blue of his eyes was faded, and that was probably what broke her the most. She nodded and stepped aside, leaving a wide path for him to come in.
He stumbled in and she pointed him towards the couch. “Tea?” she offered, trying to be a good hostess.
“Yeah,” he sighed as he fell against the cushions.
As she poured the tea, she didn’t let herself think of the implications of him being as sick as her. Her walls started to go up and she began to rationalize—he probably picked it up at work; god only knows what kind of stuff he was exposed to there. Maybe she’d gotten it from him when they had their collision?
Very carefully, she moved into the living room and set his mug down on the coffee table, before gently sitting down on the opposite end of the couch. “So, you pick up a nasty virus in the ER?” she started, then took a sip.
He cast her an almost annoyed look before reaching for his cup. “I think we both know that’s not the case, love.”
“You don’t know that,” she murmured. “It could be anything.”
He took a sip, then stared at the tea in disbelief as he swallowed. “Where did you get this?”
Now she was the one confused. “Snow; why?”
He snorted derisively. “And it makes you feel better, right?”
“A bit, I guess.”
“Emma, don’t you know what rose tea is for?”
What the heck—did he come over just to fight? She’d understand if he was angry about her ghosting him, but to be so combative? Her hackles were rising. “No, I don’t, Doctor Jones; enlighten me.”
He cautiously set down the mug and then scooted a bit closer to her; she reflexively tried to melt into the arm of the couch. “It’s an old wives’ tale, but said to ease lovesickness.”
She shut her eyes and turned her head. That couldn’t be it—it just couldn’t. Whatever personal revelation she’d been having before his arrival had ran away, buried under her blankets and armor where it belonged. 
She didn’t do soulmates...right?
“You can deny the truth, love, but that won’t make it any less real. And like you just said, I’m a doctor—I know what’s going on. Has anything else helped?”
Not opening her eyes, she shook her head. She didn’t know if she could handle whatever emotion was likely simmering in Killian’s gaze.
“Just what do you think happened on the train that day?” he asked softly, though it didn’t sound like he had another volume.
“I don’t know—maybe we said it under our breath,” she tossed out half-heartedly.
“That’s not true and you know it.”
She opened her eyes to glare at him. “Well, what if I don’t want it? What if I don’t want the universe telling me who’s right for me—what if I want to be chosen instead?”
Despite their dulled color, a spark of fire ignited in Killian’s eyes. “What are you calling the past few months, then?” he spat. “I don’t know about you, but those were some of the happiest of my life, and it was all because of you and Henry. I want to be chosen, too—you know that. But you can’t tell me you’re so dense that you didn’t notice us doing exactly that. And you can’t deny you’ve been happy, too; you’re too much of an open book.” 
He had her there—it was impossible for her to refute it. Even now, despite the distance she was trying to keep between them, she could feel the pull towards him—she’d missed him so much. But was it just because something was pulling strings somewhere out in the cosmos? Could she trust her own feelings? 
“Tell me, love: were soulmates not even a thing, would you hesitate like this?”
That took her by surprise—but then again, everything about Killian had, since the day they met. She couldn’t deny the thoughts and fantasies she’d had about him; those were decidedly romantic in nature. But in her decision to rebel against the entire system, she’d never considered a scenario in which it didn’t exist. There were plenty of people out there who fell in love without it and were happy, but given what she thought she’d had with Neal, she figured it’d be all or nothing for her.
The longer she thought about it, though, her answer became clear: “No, I wouldn’t.”
Cautiously, he smiled, and it looked like he was blinking back tears—but that could have been due to her own fuzzy vision, and she wasn’t sure if it had to do with her emotions or current physical state. “Then why fight it?”
“Because,” she said in a small voice. “What if it’s wrong?”
“Darling, I think we’re well past that.”
She was scraping for excuses now, she knew, and could feel her walls crumbling under his sweet gaze. They weren’t gone yet, though. “What about Milah?”
His brow furrowed. “What about her?”
“I thought you didn’t want anyone else.”
He slumped a bit, but she couldn't tell if that was due to physical or emotional duress; probably both. “Aye, I had thought for a long time that I didn’t want anyone else, that I’d never be capable of letting go of my first love, of finding someone else.” He chewed on his bottom lip and then looked up at her. “That is, until I met you.”
Her breath hitched. There was no going back from a confession like that.
Silence settled over them for a long minute, during which the revelation washed over her. He wanted her—and had for a while, before they made skin contact and ended up here. And the more she reflected on it, she wanted him, too.
She wanted...all of it. Soulmates, happily ever after, the whole shebang.
Oh, who was she kidding? She fucking loved him.
But she was terrible with words—sincere ones, at least. How did she tell him that?
Gingerly, she shifted closer to him; he flinched a little, likely out of the same reflexes she’d honed over the years, but didn’t back away. His right arm was closest to her, and though he was still wearing his jacket, his hand was uncovered. It was a handsome hand, she had to admit—long, graceful fingers, with well-trimmed nails and fine dusting of dark hair on the back. She wondered if the rest of his was just as good-looking. And now, she was determined to find out.
She reached out and tentatively touched the back of his hand; there was an immediate spark at the contact, though, and she pulled back quickly in shock.
Killian’s eyes grew wide and he stared at his hand for what felt like forever; time seemed to freeze around them. But then, slowly, he turned up his palm and looked at her with an encouraging nod and a soft smile.
Emma sat up straighter, as if that would somehow firm her resolve, and took a deep breath. She could do this, totally. (She hoped.)
With a bit more confidence, she again reached for him, and this time, wrapped her delicate fingers around his broad hand. There was still a jolt, but she was ready for it and held tighter instead of retreating. It was immediately followed that same surge of emotion she’d felt on the train: concern, a bit of fear, but most of all—love.
Though she had no idea how this thing worked, she gave it a try. «I love you,» she thought, intensely holding Killian’s stare.
His eyes somehow got even bigger and his mouth parted in surprise, but it only lasted a moment before he was grinning. «I love you, too, Emma.»
Okay, now she really was crying. She never thought she was that kind of sappy girl and usually made sure her tears were reserved for moments that deserved them (Henry’s birth, Snow and Dave’s wedding, and maybe a handful of TV episodes since then). But now? When she was staring at her apparent true love, once she stopped fighting it? All the waterworks.
«Come here,» she heard over their connection, and he pulled her tight to him—though she may have also launched herself at him at the same time, resulting in an audible oof from both of them as they collided against the cushions.
She nestled her head into the crook of his neck and breathed him in. He smelled faintly of rose tea, a lot like sweat, and then, just...Killian. She couldn’t describe it—it was just...him. And it felt like home.
«You smell good, too.»
She winced. «Oh, shit. You weren’t supposed to hear that.»
«You were thinking it rather loudly, love.»
«This is definitely going to take some getting used to.»
«Aye, but I’m up for the challenge if you are.»
«Definitely.»
She sat up, breaking the connection—and found herself immediately missing it. She hadn’t expected that. As soon as skin contact had been broken, her aches and pains began to come back; she hadn’t even noticed they were gone. But that was how it worked, right? The more intense the lovesickness, the longer it took to go away, even when you reconnected.
She was probably going to have to get him naked, wasn’t she?
While the idea of that, and seeing what hid under all those form-fitting layers, was more than appealing, it also made her panic. It’d been so long since she did anything like this; god, did she even remember how to kiss?
Killian had been watching her intently and must have noticed the panic creeping across her face. Cautiously—as if he was approaching a wild animal—he reached up and caressed her cheek. «It’s okay, Emma. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want.»
She huffed. «I don’t even know what I want. It’s been so long; I’m rusty with this stuff.»
«Well, that’s convenient.» He gave her a gentle smile. «So am I.»
She took a deep breath and relaxed a bit, but there was still an urge to do—something. It itched under her skin, the desire to be close to him, especially after he let his hand fall away. 
So, slowly, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. 
There was no hesitation on his end; his lips were firm and insistent against hers, and warm—so warm. Any lingering chill from lovesickness melted away at the brush of his soft lips and the feel of his solid form next to her. Which, if she was being honest, was too far away. Using more energy than she had in weeks, she shirked her blankets and moved to straddle his lap. He groaned at the movement, but made no effort to pull away or stop what they were doing. And really, it gave her a bit of a self-satisfied thrill that she could draw that reaction from someone; guess she did still have a bit of game.
«You have plenty of “game,” love—I assure you,» he told her as his tongue flicked against their pressed-together lips.
«Okay, that was a little weird,» she thought; talking and kissing at the same time would definitely take some getting used to.
«Good weird, I hope.»
«Duh.»
They continued to snog like teenagers on the couch, just like she’d once imagined, until the pizza delivery actually did show up. She pulled away to catch her breath, but left her forehead connected to his. «Hope you feel like Pizzeria Regina.»
«With you, darling—anything. Actually, I’m famished.»
«Who knew making out worked up such an appetite?»
He chuckled out loud and it seemed to reverberate through her entire body; that was something that bore revisiting. But she was starving, too, so she hopped up to get the door before the kid inevitably left.
In the few minutes it took her to pay and get plates from the kitchen, she could feel the lovesickness settle back in at an almost alarming rate. She thought it was just the lingering fatigue, but she must have turned to fast after getting dishes from her cupboard because the next thing she knew, the world was spinning and she was on the floor. The nausea was back full-force and food was the last thing she wanted to think about; all she wanted was—“Killian,” she called out, but it was more of a weak moan than a yell. 
From her prone position where the living room carpet met the kitchen tile, she could see him hop up from the couch, alarm tensing his entire body. “Emma!” he shouted, voice similarly weak, and took long strides to get to her—but she could see the moment it hit him, too, when he had to grab for the back of the couch to stay upright.
He took a deep breath but then fell to the floor, seemingly intentionally but she couldn’t quite tell—her vision was swimming again, and she closed her eyes against the blur. She could hear him, though, and a moment later felt his rough palm cupping her cheek. 
He was speaking out loud, but she could feel his panic through their connection. “Emma, love, are you alright? What happened?”
She blinked a few times before staring up at him; he was hovering on all fours, his eyes darting as he looked her over for injury. The longer he touched her, the better she felt; she wasn’t surprised, but damn, they needed to kick this bullshit.
«Agreed,» came his the echo of his voice in her head, and he leaned down to press a kiss to her forehead. «Don’t scare me like that again.»
«I’ll try,» she said, «and I’m sorry.»
«You couldn’t help it, love; no need to apologize.»
«No, not just for that—for everything.» The truth of it was that it was that moment that sealed the deal for her. Other than her family, no one had ever worried about her like that, and the surge of love she felt—both from him and her own feelings—when he gave her that gentle kiss was greater than she’d ever felt. «For ignoring you, for fighting this, for letting us get like this. I’m sorry.» A tear started to fall down her cheek; god, she was officially a sap now.
«Oh, Swan—don’t.» He relaxed down to the floor to lay next to her. «I get it—I nearly did the same a few times, too.»
«You did?» She was surprised how much that shocked her; she was used to it from most people, but not him.
«You should have seen the tests I had my friends in the lab running. Everything from cancer to mono.»
 «I nearly bought a pregnancy test at one point,» she giggled. «Don’t we make a pair?»
He smiled back. «We do, love,» came the soft voice, and he ran a hand through her hair. «We do.»
She couldn’t help it anymore: the combination of his emotions and thoughts were mixing with hers and threatening to drown her; she hadn’t felt anything this intense since...well, since Neal, but now she realized how wrong she’d been then. Killian was coming to a similar conclusion, she could tell, but she didn’t want to think about anyone else right now—just him.
So she hitched a leg over his hips, closed the space between them, and proceeded to kiss the living daylights out of him. And maybe grind up on him a bit. (Was that still a thing people did? God, she was so rusty.)
«I don’t know, and I don’t bloody care as long as it’s something we do.» Even his voice in her head was wrecked, to match the way he was panting. He tangled his legs with hers to bring himself closer, mirroring her gesture; she forgot how good dry humping felt.
Hell, all of this—it was like her body was coming back to life after a decade of disuse. Killian’s touch, minimal as it was through the layers of clothes they still had on, was sending those same sparks from earlier through her whole being, inside and out. She wanted to feel everything he could make her feel—she needed him, desperately. And if the growing bulge his scrubs failed to hide was anything, he did too.
«Only if you want to,» he assured her, taking a break from their game of tonsil hockey to catch their breaths, but he still pressed his forehead to hers. «I know you wanted your pizza,» he teased.
«To hell with the pizza.»
She held him tight with her leg one more time, feeling the press of his growing erection against her core—where a fair amount of those sparks had settled—before pecking his lips, sitting up, grabbing his hand and forearm, and somehow managing to untangle their legs without hitting any sensitive areas. He followed her to standing, and she quickly tugged him down the hallway to her bedroom; if she giggled a bit at the idea of having a boy in her room after so long, well, that would stay between them.
They’d no sooner crossed the threshold than she was back on him, pressing him against her dresser on the adjacent wall and probably knocking some books or something off, but that was the last thing on her mind; she was too caught up in finding the perfect way to grip his hips and the way his fingers were toying with the hem of her baggy T-shirt, grazing the skin underneath. She was starting to understand how a sparkler felt, with the way his every touch drew a spark.
As they continued to kiss, her hands began to wander, too, and found the edge of his sweater (she had no idea when he’d ditched the jacket, but that was also low on the list of concerns at the moment). His palm was resting warm and heavy on her waist, so she followed suit, letting her touch slip under fabric to his skin, and started to slide upwards.
To her shock, though, he flinched away, putting distance between them—though not enough that she couldn’t still see the way his chest was heaving under his (extremely well-fitting, she saw now) sweater. His eyes were cast on the floor and he was clenching his jaw nervously. 
«Hey, what’s wrong?» she asked gently, but didn’t want to make a move if it might jar him more.
«It’s nothing; it’s just that...no one has seen me like this since...since the accident.»
Oh, god—she hadn’t even thought about that. Here she was worrying about her own skills when there were much bigger issues to be dealt with—on both ends, probably. «We don’t have to.»
«No, I want to,» he assured her, finally meeting her gaze again. «I just remembered all of a sudden, and...I’m afraid it’s not all that pretty.»
Well, she knew a thing or two about having scars. But she hadn’t given them much thought until now; they didn’t really bother her all that much. Which, she supposed, meant only one thing. 
«Then let me go first.»
He tried to protest, but she ignored it as she guided his hand up her side, encouraging him to go higher. They both stilled when he reached her bare breast—she’d forgotten she hadn’t bothered with a bra in several days, and he wasn’t expecting the lack of obstruction when his thumb grazed her nipple. She sensed an odd combination of panic and thrill coming from him, and a polite apology started to form, which was when Emma found the lone downside to having an almost telepathic connection with her soulmate: she couldn’t shut him up with a kiss.
«But you can keep trying,» he suggested, winking terribly. His deep chuckle echoed in her mind and goosebumps rose on her skin.
He left his hand on her breast while she shimmied out of her top, moving only far enough away to slip it off and toss it aside. The cooler air plus her growing arousal were evidenced by her peaked nipples, and she didn’t miss the way his gaze drifted south.
And in one swift motion, she slid off her oversized pajama pants, letting them fall to the floor and leaving her completely naked.
His hungry gaze darted around, scanning her body, and for a moment, the same self-consciousness he was feeling slipped in—no one had seen her naked in ages, either, not since before Henry was born; she was by no means out of shape, but pregnancy had left its marks, in addition to all the other ones she’d acquired over the years. For the first time in a long time, she felt somewhat exposed—but the feeling evaporated under his reverent stare.
«You are bloody stunning, love; every part of you.» He pulled her closer and placed yet another soft kiss against her temple; she didn’t think she’d ever get tired of those, or the accompanying wave of love that threatened to drown her with each one. He took a deep breath, then, «I suppose it’s my turn, then?»
«Only if you want.»
He swallowed. «Lend me a hand?»
She giggled. «Of course, but you have to promise to never make a hand joke again.»
«We’ll see.»
She could kiss the smirk off his face, at least, and proceeded to do so as her hands made their way back to his waist and slipped beneath his sweater. Slowly, she dragged upwards, his sweater bunching at her wrists as she uncovered his stomach. She was curious to look, but didn’t want to pull away until she needed to.
Her fingers were the first to discover the hair on his chest as they slid through it; it was thick and soft to the touch—a contrast to the firm muscles beneath. Despite all her dreaming, that was a detail that never quite worked its way into her fantasies—she’d never much cared for it before—but now, it seemed to perfectly fit him. And she was anxious to see it.
She’d gone as far as she could on her own, her hands coming to rest on his collarbones, her thumbs settling into the dips there. Killian took over then, lifting his arms to tug off his left sleeve above her head and not breaking the kiss until he was pulling the shirt off altogether—and then her breath was nearly stolen.
Killian may have said she was stunning, but he was fucking gorgeous. He wasn’t one of those ripped gym rats, like she had once thought he’d be, but he was clearly strong—a solid core and lean muscles, with biceps that looked like they could both hold her hips tight in the throes of passion and then cuddle her close after. Dark hair perfectly covered his pecs and drew a trail down the center of his stomach, disappearing into the scrubs that he absolutely needed to take off. And there were scars, yes—scattered around his upper body, but most obviously at the end of his left arm—but if anything, they just made him more...real.
«Did you doubt I was?» he ribbed. (Which, speaking of ribs, she could just see the outline of his, and knew hers were on similar display—a reminder of how bad things had gotten for both of them; never again, though.)
«I dunno; this all kind of seems like a strange dream come to life.»
He stepped closer and placed his hand and wrist on her waist. «A good dream, I trust?»
«An incredible one, but one that I never really dared to hope for.»
He placed his forehead on hers—another gesture she was coming to adore. «I know the feeling.»
For a long moment, they just breathed each other in and floated in the swirl of their shared emotions going back and forth; she was starting to lose track if the love she felt cresting in her heart was her own for him or his for her. It seemed endless, though, so as long as it never ran out, it probably didn’t matter what belonged to who.
«I can assure you, it won’t run dry.»
«Good.»
She reached for his shoulders again and pressed against him, finding his lips for what felt like the hundredth time—and she hadn’t had enough, not at all, nor would she likely ever. But, as she arched her pelvis up against too many layers of cotton, she knew she’d had enough of these damn scrub pants.
His laughter rang in her head as she ignored any rules of propriety and ran her hands down his back until she hit the elastic band of his pants and dipped under them, right to his bare (well, slightly fuzzy) cheeks and gripped. That brought him even closer to her, his chest hair brushing against her nipples and his erection pressing into her core. 
«These really need to come off.»
«There’s nothing stopping you.»
«Thank God.»
She wasted no time in slipping them off his narrow hips, barely waiting for them to hit the floor before she was changing their direction, only pausing long enough for him to step out of the legs lest he trip, before she was pushing him in the direction of her bed. The back of his legs hit the edge of the mattress and he tried to sit, but she stayed on top of him until he fell back against the bed with her straddled over his hips. She could feel his cock pressing against her waiting entrance, but not at all in the way she wanted—no, needed him.
«Can’t I properly lavish you, my love?» he enquired coquettishly as he massaged her breast with his hand and brought her closer to his level with the other arm. «I want to make you feel good.»
God, that sounded amazing, and she wanted to reciprocate. But him pulling her flat to his chest had just made it more painfully obvious that he wasn’t inside her, and that was all she wanted. She was more than ready—he had to be aware of that—and logically, she knew that was the fastest way to dispel whatever was left of their lovesickness. (That, and she’d gotten a good look at his shaft when she’d pulled his pants off and—damn.)
«Next time—I promise.» She was panting with want. «But right now, I need to feel you.»
He nodded; he was just as breathless. «Okay; where do you want me?»
«On top.»
«As you wish.»
Smoothly, he flipped them over so that she was flat on her back and he was hovering above her, propped on his left forearm. He placed one last, long kiss against her lips, then sat back on his haunches to ready himself.
A bit of nervousness snuck in here—she really hadn’t done this since...well, probably not since Henry was conceived. She knew she needed to lift her hips up a bit and would need to help him out, but did she remembered how to set the rhythm? How to meet him thrust for thrust?
«We’ll figure it out together, love,» he said with a soft smile and gentle caress of his blunted wrist on her thigh. He was a bit nervous, too, but knowing they were in the same boat made it all the easier.
And then she watched as he stroked himself and anything other than desire faded away. Her own fingers unconsciously drifted to her clit and began stroking, needing some sort of relief.
When he was ready, he shifted forward into the open embrace of her legs. «You ready?»
«So.»
«Can you…?»
“Yeah,” she breathed out loud; it still took some conscious effort to communicate nonverbally and her brain power was becoming increasingly limited. But she sat up enough to take her own hold of his velvety cock—one she could not wait to take in hand and mouth at a later date—and guided it to her entrance, circling it gently.
They were both a bit anxious about what came next—would it feel like the first time all over again?—but she nodded at Killian to go ahead, and he slid inside in one smooth motion.
Oh, God—she’d forgotten what this felt like. Yeah, she had her toys, but nothing could replicate the feel of the real thing: the heat, the smell, the emotion. This was exactly what she needed—exactly who she needed.
«You feel bloody amazing, darling.» They hadn’t even started moving and already, he sounded wrecked.
«So do you, oh my god.»
She pulled him down by the neck to kiss him again, taking a long moment to get used to the feel of him, even though in some ways, he felt familiar—like he was a perfect fit.
«I mean, we are soulmates,» he reminded her.
«Yeah, but I didn’t think that applied to body parts, too.»
«I fail to see any negatives here.»
«Oh, definitely not.»
He turned the attention of his lips to her neck, tickling her with his stubble, which made her squirm—and then gasp, because it drew just the slightest bit of friction where they were joined together. And it felt incredible.
«That good, eh? We barely did anything.»
She wrapped a leg around him and pressed her foot against his ass, moving him again. «No more teasing; just move.»
It took longer than she’d care to admit for them to figure out the right pace—being soulmates didn’t mean they were automatically in sync (which was probably descriptive of their entire relationship)—but they eventually got there, to a point where she could meet him at every push and he found the perfect angle to hit every sensitive point inside. He groaned when she clenched, and she moaned whenever he pressed hard enough to brush her clit. And in no time at all—but also possibly forever? Time was weird—she was near the edge of release, so close to falling off. 
«Let go, Emma; I want to see you come.»
«I want you to go with me.»
He let out a deep exhale. «I’ll try.» 
He picked up the pace and her already racing heart struggled to keep up with it, but in the end, she couldn’t; she reached her peak and crested it with a shout, fireworks going off behind her eyes as he continued to thrust into her.
It didn’t take much longer for him to follow her, though, and even though she was caught up in her own rapture, she could feel him stutter as he climaxed and spilled into her. (Good thing she still took the pill, if only for the cycle regularity.) He was dangerously close to collapsing on top of her but still, she held him tight with her legs, as if he might disappear if she didn’t.
But he was done depressingly soon, and her legs were no match for the dead weight that was leaning against them as he fell to her side on the mattress. Every part of her was tingling, as if each cell in her body was renewed after that. She cracked an eye open, and despite the dim light coming through her bedroom curtain, Killian was nearly effulgent as they lay there in the afterglow. She knew they needed to clean up, and probably text David so that he knew they weren’t dead, but that could be dealt with later; right now, she just wanted to soak this in.
Killian reached across the short distance between them and pulled her tight to his chest; she was right—those biceps were perfect for being held. «How was it?» he asked shyly.
«Only the greatest orgasm of my life; how about you?»
He smirked. «Roughly the same, I think.»
She placed a gentle peck on the scar on his cheek. «I love you.»
«I love you, too.» He sighed and snuggled into her neck. «Now what?»
«We’ll deal with that later,» she sighed. «Right now, this is perfect.»
*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*
«You were wearing this when we met,» he thought as he wrapped himself around her from behind, adorably resting his chin on her bare shoulder.
She was getting dressed—after round 2, where they did get to lavish each other, then round 3 in the shower—into a very familiar blouse and rather unseasonable pair of shorts; he’d only gotten as far as his pants. 
«Mhmm. This is what I was going to wear, until I found out some random guy was gonna be there. Couldn’t run around exposing myself like that, now could I?»
«I don’t know; might have saved us a lot of time.»
She turned in his arms and hugged him tight, loving the feel of his warm skin under her palms. «No, probably not. I was nowhere near ready then.»
«And now?» he asked; even if they weren’t communicating verbally, his facial expressions—including the signature quirk of his eyebrow—remained the same.
«Ready for anything.» She emphasized it by rising on her toes to give him a quick kiss. «But if you don’t get a shirt on soon, David is gonna send a search party.»
«Let him,» Killian smirked, and made a move to plant a kiss on her neck that she narrowly dodged, only by jumping away; of course he’d noticed she was ticklish there.
“I’m serious, Killian!” Now that she was getting used to their telepathic connection, it felt like was the first time she’d used her voice in ages; at least she was laughing as she chastised him. “I walked in on him and Snow enough and as much as I might like the idea of revenge, I do NOT want to subject Henry to that.”
He brushed a tendril of hair off her shoulder, but left his hand there and gave her a beyond cheeky smirk. «It’s bound to happen at some point.»
She just rolled her eyes. «Put your damn shirt on.»
Somewhere in there, they had let David know they were alive and would be heading over shortly. They made no mention of the other, though; Killian would join them later, after he went home to change, and honestly—they just wanted to see the reaction, especially from Snow. She did worry a bit about Henry, but knowing how good they were together kept her concern to a minimum. 
After Killian pouted some more but eventually complied with her request for clothing (one of the few times she’d ever have to ask, she hoped), she drove him over to his building—which really was close, but he’d taken a Swyft to her place. They shared a quick kiss goodbye and then she was alone. 
It was surprising how quickly that empty feeling came over her again now that she was by herself—how quickly she’d gotten used to his presence, particularly over the last few life-changing hours, but the past months as well. Hopefully, the cops weren’t around, because she pressed the gas pedal a little bit harder—she couldn’t wait to see everyone again. Now that she knew for a fact there was someone else on her side—that she didn’t have to isolate herself anymore—she didn’t want to at all. 
At least it was a short drive, and Henry was waiting for her on the front porch when she pulled up to the house. “Mom! I missed you!” he shouted as he ran for her, then grabbed her in a bruising hug. God, it seemed like he’d grown half a foot in the last few days. 
“I missed you too, kid.” But it took the same amount of effort as usual to kiss the top of his head, so at least she hadn’t missed anything. 
She did feel a bit guilty that she’d still managed to succumb to the one thing she’d worked so hard to avoid, but at least she knew it would never happen again. 
“You’re all better now?” he asked in a hopeful voice. 
“Yup; all better. And I promise to not let myself get that sick again.”
“Good. I was ready to sick Killian on you.”
She snorted; that was not something she was going to try to verify nor dispute. And he didn’t notice, thank God; it was bad enough he knew what cockblocking was. He just dragged her to the backyard, where Snow and Dave were waiting. 
Their immediate grins turned over to a bit of shock, probably at her outfit; she was definitely dressed for summer, and while it was unusually warm for the last week of October, it was barely 70 degrees. But she hadn’t felt the breeze on her skin in so long, and hey—she had a point to make. 
“Well, don’t you look...summery,” Snow assessed as she gave her a hug; David was, per usual, at the grill. “Oh, but I forgot to tell you: Killian’s coming too.”
Snow was a terrible liar: she hadn’t forgotten at all. If the not-so-hidden gleam in her eye was any hint, this was yet another matchmaking scheme. But Emma could play along this once. 
“Oh, okay,” she shrugged, feigning disinterest. “I’ll keep my space.”
Henry was catching her up on what he’d learned at school that week and the latest drama with his friends when Killian arrived. She was trying her damnedest to keep up with what Henry was telling her about his science class, but Killian’s presence was exceedingly distracting—especially with the way he sauntered in wearing a form-fitting t-shirt that both hugged his biceps and revealed a peek at his chest hair, and khaki shorts that showed off his calves. Even though she knew what lay underneath all that, she could still feel the pull of arousal.
She turned her focus back to Henry as Killian greeted Dave and then Snow, trying her best to play it cool. If that was a thing she could still do (probably not). But it was like every part of her was in tune with him now, and couldn’t help but react when he made his way over to the table they were sitting at.
“Is this seat taken?” he enquired, nodding at the chair next to Emma.
“Go ahead,” she said, unable to keep a hint of a smile off her face.
But he didn’t get a chance to sit before Henry had hopped up and wrapped him in a hug, too. Any lingering worries about Henry’s potential reaction immediately disappeared as she watched the tender interaction between them, on both their ends—they’d both clearly felt the absence of the other, so now she was feeling a bit guilty instead.
Like she’d told herself earlier, though: it wouldn't happen again.
They took their seats on either side of her—Killian on her left, Henry on her right—and Henry relaunched his stories. Aside from some light footsie, they hadn’t made contact yet, though his arm resting on the surface of the table was only inches from hers. Eventually, Henry realized that all the parts of Killian’s prosthesis were exposed, so that gave her an opportunity to make a move, when Killian was leaning over the table to show it to Henry.
Surreptitiously, she let her forearm touch his, where he was bracing himself on the table with it. The only indication he gave that he noticed was the brief straightening of his spine, but she immediately sensed his emotions again—happiness, a bit of hunger, but mostly love.
«I missed you,» he told her while Henry was inspecting the mechanics of the prosthesis.
«It wasn’t even an hour,» she teased.
«Are you trying to tell me you don’t feel the same? Because I can tell that’s not true.»
«No, I definitely missed you, too.»
The connection was broken when he sat back down—when Snow brought the food over. She proceeded to mother hen them as she distributed the food, making sure they were both feeling better—and asking some pointed questions about the rose tea.
“Yeah, it did help a lot,” Emma gushed.
“Aye; thank you, milady,” Killian added, ever the gentleman.
Snow seemed pleased, but there was still a level of concern in her manner that anyone could see; she didn’t think her plan was working, to which Emma hid her smirk in a bite of hot dog. (She could see wheels turning in Henry’s head, though.)
She and Killian continued to act cool to each other through the meal, save the occasional brush of the leg under the table (which was mostly to laugh at Snow’s matchmaking attempt).
Finally, Snow left with Henry to take the dishes inside and David cleaned up the grill, leaving them alone. She put her shin against his leg again while pretending to look at her phone.
«Do it when she comes back?» she proposed.
«Yeah, but wait for her to set the pie down; I’d hate for her to drop it.»
«Good point.»
And so, casually, once Snow had brought the pie to the table and made the first cut, Emma wrapped her hand around Killian’s and waited for everyone to notice. 
“Emma, do you want ice...OH MY GOD.”
There it was: the reaction they expected from Snow. She’d dropped the serving knife, which landed with a clatter on the table, and was staring at their joined hands with wide eyes and jaw hanging open. Eventually she blinked and slammed her mouth shut, but continued to stare at them. 
“But—you were—” she stammered, a pointed finger drifting between the two of them. “I thought—I didn’t—”
Emma was trying really hard not to laugh and could feel how amused Killian was, too. David just looked confused, and Henry was a bit slack-jawed, though she could tell it was in a good way.
Then it was like a lightbulb went on in Snow’s head, and she turned to David. “I called it! I totally called it!”
She then fell into girlish squeals while David, instead, levied a wary eye on Killian. “Is this why you wanted their address?”
“Um, yeah.” 
David squinted. “Do I want to know?”
“Probably not,” Killian answered.
Henry piped up. “Do I wanna know?”
“Absolutely not!” Emma cut in.
All eyes were on Henry, though, as he stood and walked around Emma’s chair to Killian.
“Do you love my mom?” he asked, with all the severity a 10-year-old boy could muster.
“I do,” Killian said, and it almost sounded like a vow.
“And you promise not to hurt her, or to run away on us?” She didn’t miss the way he said “us”; she was a little surprised they hadn’t discussed it, but Killian knew he was getting a package deal—he had from the beginning.
“I’d rather be sent to the depths of Hades.”
«Drama queen,» she told him, but Killian’s eyes only flickered over to hers for a moment as he continued to hold Henry’s stare.
“Okay then,” Henry nodded, then seemed to think for a moment before launching himself at Killian again. “Welcome to the family.”
She didn’t need their connection to know how that made Killian feel: his eyes grew wide for a moment, but then they closed and he returned the hug full-force. She’d had the same reaction when she was adopted all those years ago; and though this was a totally different situation, it was still the same emotion.
Snow wanted all the details, obviously, and David and Henry wanted none, so they complied until the sun set and it was time to go home, both of them feeling the chill in their weather-inappropriate wardrobes. 
They stood by their cars, locked in an embrace—both because of a desire to stay close and desire to get warm. 
«Well, that went reasonably well,» he decided.
«Yeah, pretty good. I expected a bit more screaming though.»
«Same,» he chuckled.
«When can I see you next?» This was the part she wasn’t looking forward to; they weren’t in any danger of lovesickness again—not if she had anything to say about it—but there was still the reality that they had different jobs and different homes. (For the time being, at least.)
He shrugged. «We never got to enjoy that pizza. Maybe we try again tomorrow night?»
«Sounds perfect.» She underlined it by rising to her toes to place a lingering kiss on him.
“Are you guys gonna be like this all the time now?” Henry called out from the other side of the Bug, eyeing the two of them suspiciously.
“Yup,” she yelled back. “Get used to it.”
“Ugh, fine,” he grumbled, but it was half-hearted; she could hear the happiness in his voice.
«Well, we shouldn’t try to scar him too much.»
«That’s a change in tone from earlier.»
«I didn’t have his approval yet. Didn’t you hear? I’m part of the family now.» She could really fell his joy at that now.
«You already were; you know that, right?»
«It’s nice to have confirmation.»
«Yeah, I know.» She kissed him again. «And I hope you never doubt it again.»
He was the one to pull her close this time, stealing her breath with a kiss that she hoped would get her through the next day. «Not as long as I have you. I love you.»
«I love you, too,» she sighed. «Onto the next adventure?»
«After you, love.»
*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*
It wasn’t like a switch was flipped and they were just happy-true love all the time. There were still bumps in the road, they had their share of fights, and their past fears and walls still haunted them on occasion.
Several months passed before they moved in together—months that didn’t look all that different from the previous ones, save for the regular sleepover. They couldn’t decide whose apartment to move to, but Henry was the one to quash that dispute when he found a house for sale a couple streets over from Snow and Dave.
They were almost always touching when they were together, and even more so once they lived together—and their connection only grew. She didn’t realize that it could, but the longer they were together, the more impossibly in tune they became.
And she finally got to experience shared dreams—for real this time. And it was mostly amazing, but people with baggage like theirs didn’t only have sweet dreams; they had nightmares, too. More than once, she saw the crash that took Milah, and Killian saw Neal’s death several times. The worst ones were when the two became melded together and they dreamed about losing each other; those were the nights they came together to make sure the dreams weren’t real—to feel the other there.
Granted, that wasn’t the only time they got it on—they did that fairly regularly and with vigor, which was probably why their daughter, Hope, came along sooner rather than later. 
(But not before Snow got to plan their wedding, at least. They’d been right: she started the binder the day they met.)
All told, it was...perfect. It was both everything she expected and nothing like it, and she wouldn’t have it any other way, even if it had taken her so long to warm up to the idea.
«You just hadn’t met me yet,» Killian teased, standing behind her on their patio and looking out over their backyard. Snow and David were there, with their son Leo toddling after Hope and Henry chasing them both around. Maybe it was a cliche, but she was pretty sure this was what happily ever after looked like.
«Nope, I hadn’t,» she confirmed, and pulled his arms a bit tighter around her. «I love you.»
«I love you, too.»
*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*――*☆*
thank you so much for reading! Hope you enjoyed it!
tagging some peeps: @kat2609 @thesschesthair @xpumpkindumplingx @shipsxahoy @amortentia-on-the-rocks@mryddinwilt@cocohook38 @annytecture @wingedlioness @word-bug @fergus80@pirateherokillian@bleebug @its-imperator-furiosa @killianmesmalls@effulgentcolors @laschatzi @ive-always-been-a-pirate @stubble-sandwich @killian-whump @lenfaz @phiralovesloki @distant-rose @athenascarlet @kmomof4@ilovemesomekillianjones @whimsicallyenchantedrose@snowbellewells@idristardis @scientificapricot @let-it-raines @shireness-says@courtorderedcake @its-okay-killian @captainsjedi @a-faekindagirl
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heechulhamster · 5 years ago
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The Truth You Can’t Hide IV
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KIM JUNMYEON (SUHO) x Fem Reader
Chapter 4 [The Truth You Can’t Hide MASTERLIST]
1 - 2 - 3 -  4 - 5 - 6 - 7 ongoing
You did it so well for six years. You’ve hid your son from the biggest threat of his life. But one mishap led to the biggest secret in your life being face to face with the man you’ve kept him away from all these years - his father.
Mafia!AU, Angst.
Each muscle of your feet started to ache as the clock struck eight, the current case the law firm you worked as a paralegal in required you to go overtime. You’ve had an internal agreement with yourself to stay in the firm and distance yourself from Junmyeon’s line of work, as you know that his two separate businesses will always coincide with the other - and you wouldn’t want both of Jaejin’s parents to have an indecent track record. 
Only a few lights are lit at this time of the night, most of your officemates already in the comforts of their own home and family. An empty sigh of exhaustion escaped your lips as you sat back on your chair, freeing your feet from the tormenting heels before neatly stacking and organizing the paperwork left on your table. Organizing the case files by urgency as you plan to get your hands on it eagerly the first thing tomorrow. 
“Did Mr. Goo request you on overtime again? You should take a rest.” A sudden voice spoke behind you, making you turn around. You see Atty. Zhang, one of the associate lawyers in the firm. His cripst white dress shirt neatly tucked in his black pants as he leaned over the table next to yours. 
“No, Sir. I did it voluntarily. I’m really absorbed on this recent case.” You said with a light chuckle, trying your best to hide your fatigue from the day. 
You heard him take light footsteps on the way closer to your desk, eventually you saw Atty. Zhang’s hands over the pile of paperwork on your desk. “Is this the one regarding the sexual harrasment case of that actor…” He snapped his fingers three times, apparently thinking about the name that’s on the tip of his tongue. “Seojoon? Bang Seo Joon?” 
“Yes, I’ve been re-reading his sworn statements and the victim’s.” You stated as he read through the pages of the case file. 
“This file’s been through a lot.” He said, smiling over the littered highlights and notations you’ve made all throughout the paper. “Now tell me if there’s anything you’ve found. Are we on the losing end here?” 
“There has been inconsistencies with the victim’s sworn statements. Like how she said that Mr. Bang and her met around dinner at that Monday, but she has also stated that her shift as a waitress ends at closing time. She had once said that he went on a date with Mr. Bang on a Tuesday the week prior, so both Monday and Tuesday couldn’t have been her off days. And the timeline of the alleged harassment doesn’t quite add up. There’s a lot of lapses here and there.” 
“You’ve really put your mind on this haven’t you? I’m impressed. Poor SeoJoon must’ve been framed.” He said smiling at you, the wells of his cheeks showing as adorable dimples as he shone his bright teeth in amazement. “But you need to rest for now, the case can wait for another day, don’t you think?” 
“I’m actually on my way out.” You explained as your hands tidied your desk a bit more, putting the scattered pens and pencils back on the green holder just on the corner of the black modern table. 
“I’ll come with you, then.” Mr. Zhang said with a hearty smile. 
Your way down the building was filled with short talks, including of which where he asked you to plainly call him Yixing as the both of you are in the same age. It would be an understatement to describe him as attractive, he’s magnetic - naturally absorbing every attention and respect by everyone graced by his presence. Yet oddly humble despite being aware of his huge presence. Yixing know how enticing he is, yet he doesn’t impose the fact on anyone. Just letting his trait speak for itself. 
“Where are you parked?” He asked, suddenly rising from your shared laughters as you both walk out of the building. 
“I take a cab to work.” You answered simply as a matter of fact. 
“Are you serious?” Yixing responded in shock, “Do they really pay paralegals that low here?” 
“No, it’s just that I haven’t had time yet to renew my license and fix papers for a new car, you know. It’s a hassle.” You explained. 
“Lucky you tonight, “cause I’m morally obliged to give you a ride.” He said lightheartedly, his chuckle low and baritone that it just lingers in your ear. 
“You don’t need to.” You waved your hands to accentuate your declination, yet the smile on his eyes told you that he’s insisting.
“Who told you I’m taking no for an answer?” And with his bright smile emphasised with his charming dimples, you wouldn’t even dare to say no. 
Only a few minutes in the ride, your phone flashed with a text from Junmyeon. Reading that he and Jaejin are out for dinner in a nearby restaurant and that as per your son’s request, both of them are waiting for you. 
“You know that Japanese restaurant near the station?” You asked Yixing, to which he answered a simple yes. “Can you drop me off there instead? Someone just texted and I’ll be meeting them there.” 
“Sure thing.” He responded with a chuckle, which stirred a confused look from you on the shotgun seat. “I almost thought you’d ask me out for dinner there.” 
His implication made you blush, something that you haven’t experienced for a while. “I’m sorry to get your hopes up.” You said with a chuckle rhyming his. 
“Too bad for me, I guess.” Another few laughters was all that you shared while he drove silently. Not yet developing a dynamic beyond being coworkers resulted in an odd silent tension between the two of you. As if feeling that both parties want to speak yet not finding the courage to do so. 
“How long have you been working in the firm again?” Yixing spoke, finally ending the tormenting ill-at-ease silence. 
“Barely three months.” You answered as-a-matter-of-fact. 
“That’s odd.” He simply remarked, sensing a sheer curiosity on the tone of his voice. You expressed a simple hum in the guise of an inquiry. “I mean, three months yet as far as I remember this is the first time we talked properly. Aside from you asking me for staples, of course.”
The growing blush on your cheeks finally bloomed when he spoke of that incident. It was the early weeks of your job in the firm, hardly even familiar to everyone in the workplace. Marking probably the first time you noted of Yixing’s existence, his youthful appearance made you think he was just one of the interns or a paralegal. Atty. Goo was a man who values his time, one that is always in a rush that’s why being assigned in his team challenged you. That day, you were running late for work - your cousin who was supposed to take care of Jaejin was a quarter of an hour late arriving at your home. You carried the files, or bundles of paper which aren’t stapled to Atty. Goo’s liking just yet. That’s when you came across him, carrying his leather suitcase and a cup of coffee, just when panic started to kick in. 
“Uhm.. Hi!” You waved your right hand as your left hand tightly gripped the bunches of papers, your feet dashing in front of him. “I’m new here, as much as I would like to do a proper introduction Mr. Goo needs these papers almost five minutes ago, so could you be my savior and lend me some staples?” You tried to flash your sweetest smile, maybe charming people would still work. 
“Hold a second.” He answered with his pearly white, magazine cover teeth showed. Probably laughing at how ridiculous you look for your new job. He put down his still steaming cup of coffee on the table nearest to the both of you, before scanning his bag for the said tool. Retrieving a few staple pins in his bag a few seconds later. “This enough?” 
“Yes! Thank you so much!” You rushed and not-so-carefully put the pages of case files and statements on the same table. Loading your stapler with the pins and organizing the pages by its groups. 
The moment you finished the dreaded task, the striking man was long gone by your side. And you quickly rushed to Atty. Goo’s room, politely apologizing for the delay as you laid down the papers at his desk. 
It was later that day that you discovered that the man you ambushed for staples earlier was no intern, nor a paralegal. Just outside Atty. Goo’s room, you saw the office that has been unoccupied for the first few days you’ve been there at the firm. They said that Atty. Zhang was back at China for personal reasons. And now he’s obviously back, and missing a few staple pins in his arsenal. 
“Don’t bring that back! Please.” You covered your face from his sight with your left hand in embarrassment. “It was so awkward for me to talk to you afterwards.” 
“It wasn’t a big deal, really. I found it oddly adorable, even.” Yixing noted. “I mean, I don’t look that old enough to be one of the lawyers, don’t I?” He said, a notion of cockiness evident in his statement. 
And he was just being truthful, the firm was filled by tenured and accomplished lawyers already in their 50’s. It was a shock to learn that he was among them. A tall, singularly handsome and well versed young lawyer already making his mark in the city.
“This is the place, isn’t it?” He pointed to the right, a remarkably cosmopolitan Japanese restaurant in the wealthiest areas of Seoul. “Are you going on a date? This seems to be too extravagant for a simple dinner. Expensive taste.” 
“It’s not a date. Easy to say that this person I’m meeting is a little bit too loaded in their bank account.” You said lightheartedly, to which Yixing also responded with a light laughter. “Thanks for the ride, Yixing.”
Before your hand even opened the door, he was able to hold you back by speaking again. “I was wondering if I could keep my hopes up and actually take you out for dinner some time.” 
Your eyes almost widened at his indication. “Is this dinner in line of work or…” 
“A date? Most preferably so.” He answered as his fingers lightly played with the steering wheel, signifying uneasiness or even nervousness. 
“Oh.”
“Does that oh means you acknowledge my statement or does it indicate that you’re declining the proposal?” Yixing’s choice of words made you feel like a defendant in inquisition. 
“It meant that oh, I didn’t expect to be in the receiving end of such proposal. But I’ll keep the offer in mind.” You playfully reciprocated his legalese tone.
“How long would the processing take?” Yixing asked back. 
“Three working days.” 
“Noted, see you on Friday?” He replied, understanding what you meant quicker than lightning. He flashed his charmingly irresistible smile yet again that made you flash one in return. 
“See you, Atty. Zhang.” 
The dinner was spent with Jaejin’s juvenile astonishment over the fact that fish can be eaten raw. Despite the fact that you haven’t allowed him to eat sashimi just yet, he was already looking forward on the day you’ll let him do so, settling on a good bowl of traditional and expensive ramen. And it’s in these times that you realize how close the two have gotten. How Jaejin and Junmyeon would share inside jokes that would leave you wondering on your own. The fact that the two already have bonded this tight relationship between the two of them that no one can penetrate. And that’s still in spite of Jaejin’s lack of knowledge regarding who Junmyeon really is in his life. 
And you’d be lying if you don’t admit to yourself that your life has been easier with Junmyeon in it again. You don’t even have to work the long hours just to make sure that you’ll be able to save enough money for Jaejin’s future while still making all ends meet. Junmyeon already opened a trust fund under your son’s name. The hassle of looking for someone to take care of him while at work was now long gone, with Jaejin having his own sitters that Junmyeon grew up with himself. He was already taking the majority of the parental roles even before he was formally introduced as his father. 
“Goodnight, Mama. I love you.” Jaejin declared with a youthful smile on his face just after he finished his nightly prayer. To which you answered the same sentiments before kissing his forehead and eventually walking out of the room. 
It was agreed upon you and Junmyeon for you to take the guest room. As Jaejin is now old enough to sleep on his own. And your habitual over time at work could cause a sense of discomfort to Jaejin if he’s still dependent at your presence for sleep. 
You were stunned to see Junmyeon standing outside Jaejin’s room after you shut the door. “Oh, Hi.” 
“Hey.” He answered thriftily. A few seconds have passed and nobody dared to talk, and all you were able to muster was raising your eyebrows. 
“Who were you with earlier?” Junmyeon asked curiously. 
“Huh? What?” You didn’t quite catch what he was pertaining to. 
“Who dropped you off earlier? I recognized that a Tesla was too extra to be just a cab.” You tried to sense any hint of emotion in his voice yet it just came off as a casual question. 
“Oh, it was someone from work.” You started walking, your steps rhyming with the cadence of his feet. 
“Workmate or… you know, someone.” He stalled, and you understand the connotation. 
“Workmate that kind of just expressed that he wanted to take me out on a date. Kinda.” You couldn’t help but chuckle as you remember that Yixing, an eligible bachelor as one could get, has just asked you out on a date. 
“So.. are you going?” Junmyeon’s eyes shrunk in curiosity. 
“Yeah. I mean he’s nice, undoubtedly attractive. Would be dumb to not give him a shot don’t you think?” You replied, still wearing a smile on your face. 
“I mean, you look excited. So I guess why not.” Junmyeon smiled back, but something in your guts just told you that it was visibly forced. 
“We wouldn’t have a problem with us having relationships right?” You tested the waters, as this relationship - cohabitation, coparenting, or whatever the two of you shared surely need to be clarified with bounds soon. 
“Yeah, yeah. No worries. We could go both live our lives, of course with Jaejin as priority.” 
“Of course. Another thing, I don’t think this would last much anyway. He doesn’t know yet that I have a son, whatever this is would probably end once he knows. I’ll just consider it as a dry run whether or not I still have it in me to be something for someone.” You continued as both of you approached the hallway where you would eventually part ways. 
“If he does that, it means he’s an asshole. And it will be his loss, his great loss.” Junmyeon smiled briefly and noticeably faint. 
You cleaned your hands on the apron that hung on your neck, dusting its material with a good amount of flour. Finally lining the pan with butter before pouring in the mix and eventually letting nature do its thing once you put it inside the preheated oven. Sitting on the chair at the kitchen island and a lonesome red juicy apple in hand, you just let yourself  to detach from reality as you relaxed. The piling paperwork slowly creeping up your sanity, and your only solace was Jaejin’s hugs at night - and maybe the few jubilant smiles that you and Yixing share at work. 
The past two days saw a rise of interactions between the two of you. Earlier, he even dropped by your desk to give a thoughtful warm cup of coffee when he saw you taking piles of papers head on. And Yixing’s brand new presence is your life is refreshing. To relinquish that juvenile feeling of excitement is a good thing to feel every once in a while, and for you it’s really been a while. 
“How’s parent life with ex holding up?” Your quiet thoughts were invaded by a man who you didn’t notice sit in front of you. 
“Minseok. I didn’t see you there.” You said, your widened eyes by shock looking at his feline features. 
“I could tell, pretty sure that apple’s gone dizzy from rolling over your hands too much.” He joked, where you answered a laugh to. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. How’s things?”
“Well, obviously a lot has changed since you’ve last seen me.” And the last time he has seen you, aside from the unfateful meeting at the mall, was more recent than anyone would expect. 
“Yeah, I mean he walks now.” Minseok lightly tapped his fingers on the granite countertop. “Last time I saw him he still needs to be carried everywhere.” You just smiled at the thought, before he continued. “And the biggest change could be the fact that Jun knows now.” 
“Probably the biggest change.” You replied. 
The scorching heat of Los Angeles hasn’t gotten into your system yet. Your palms and back sweaty and tired from carrying all the grocery bags which you held with much caution. You’re body’s carrying too much, all these produce, milk cartons, and of course the baby that’s growing in your stomach. Struggling to put down the bags as you couldn’t quickly squat, you curse yourself again for deciding to go through this alone. 
“Need some help?” An oddly familiar voice presented itself beside you, making a chill run down your spine. He couldn’t be here, he shouldn’t be here. 
“Minseok…” You said in shock, your hands quickly lowering the grocery bags in an attempt to hide your 20 weeks pregnant stomach. 
“Let me get that, Y/N.” He stepped forward as he softly retrieved the grocery bags from your hands. Your stunned figure unable to protest nor to say anything. “Could you open your door now?”
“Yeah…” You answered with a nod, still unable to process his presence while getting your keys from your shoulder bag. 
Still silent, you both entered your small apartment. Barely decent enough for the way you were brought up. But this is all that you have now, and it’s better than nothing. The past four months were the hardest for you. A twenty two year old expectant mother cut off by her influential family and left alone to live and make ends meet in a foreign land. Tough luck, tough life, you thought. 
“Where should I put these milk, in the fridge or…” Minseok asked yet you’re quick to cut him off. 
“Did he send you here?” You looked in his easily distinguishable eyes, now painted with imminent confusion. “Junmyeon, did he send you here?” 
“Send me? I’m not his employee.” He answered with a short almost humorless laugh. “I’ve been in LA for business the past few weeks. Didn’t expect to see you while doing groceries, found a familiar face, so I trailed you down. Too creepy?” 
“Does he know?” You asked, not bothering with the small courtesies as you were more nervous of the possibilities of finding him here.
“Where you’re at? Probably. He probably still keeps track of you.” Your breath hitched at Minseok’s response. “That you’re pregnant? I highly doubt. If he does, he wouldn’t let you live alone in this barely modest apartment.” 
Your hand uncontrollably caressed your bump, a sense of protectiveness flowing all over you. “Would you tell him?”
“Not if you don’t want me to.” There was sincerity in his voice, and you know Minseok is a man of his words. “Junmyeon is my friend, but you are too.” 
He slowly walked over your form that just sat on the sofa. “But first you need to make me understand why you left him and why you’re living in this…” He looked around the bare white walls, the undeniable lack of furnishings and decor “..sad excuse for a home, with no offense meant.” 
“Suho.” You dryly answered with almost a whisper, folds forming in his face in your response. “I didn’t leave Junmyeon. I left Suho. Whatever he is, I don’t want my son to do anything with him.” 
“You know, don’t you?” You asked him again even before he was able to form any answer. 
“I…” He started off, still processing any suitable answer. “I am aware of that, yes.” He slowly nodded, finally sitting down the uncomfortable wooden chair in front of you. “How did you…” 
“Your friend was stupid enough to leave a folder full of transactions where I could read it.” You answered bitterly, still unable to accept the harsh truth behind the man you so dearly loved. 
“Does he know that you… know?” Minseok was obviously careful in choosing his words, not wanting to upset a pregnant friend.
“You think I’ll be here if he’s aware that I know his dirty secret?” You said with a humorless laugh. “I don’t think I’d even be alive if so.” 
“Come on, it’s not the best money maker but Junmyeon wouldn’t kill you. Not in a million years.” You just responded by shaking your head. “But, why are you here? And why in a place like this? I mean, it’s nice that you’re independent. But… isn’t this a little too low for your taste?”
“My parents cut me off when they discovered I’m pregnant. I begged them not to tell Junmyeon, had to make an excuse in my own expense just for them to not to lash it out on him. Told them the baby wasn’t his, a result of a drunken one night stand at a high end bar. Told me I was a disgrace for letting such a man as Junmyeon go, called me a whore for being pregnant with a random stranger. So I guess here I am.” A bitter taste still lingers in your mouth as you relayed what hell you’ve went through. 
“But you don’t need to go through all of these, you could tell Junmyeon and..” You decided to cut him off even before he finishes his ill advice. 
“And have my child live off the money he makes by breaking the law and ruining people’s lives? I’d rather stay here, Min.” You stated, not even considering to bend your moral compass. 
He just sat there, an uncomfortable silence grew between the two of you as he struggled to digest the information. Minseok looked as if he’s thinking for an advice he could give or any action he could take. 
“I wouldn’t tell Junmyeon, I wouldn’t tell anyone in one condition.” He finally spoke, which you just nodded for him to proceed. “Let me help you. You’re still my friend, and Junmyeon is my friend, it would be rightful for me to help your child. I can’t let you stay here knowing a baby is on the way.”
“Another thing, you couldn’t stay here any longer. Junmyeon probably has his men tracked on you, and you need to lose them before your belly grows too much to hide. I know a place.”
Minseok kept in contact with you, and he kept his promise too. There has hardly been any indication that Junmyeon was aware of your whereabouts, or the fact that he knocked you up. Minseok was even the one to help you arrange fees in the hospital when you gave birth. He’s an heir to a trademarked coffee shop line that has hundreds of branches so you took no guilt in accepting his offer. 
“We kinda lost contact after Jaejin turned two. What happened?” He asked, swirling the contents of his glass making a sound of ice and water splashing around.
“Found a guy, he served as Jaejin’s father at that time. So I figured that I should cut all possible ties with my ex.” You answered, still playing with the unfortunate apple with your right hand. 
“Fair enough, I guess. You could only think of how shocked I am to see you in that mall. I don’t even know that you’re back here. I had no idea that I didn’t even think that child was Jaejin.” He suddenly said lightheartedly.
“Maybe it was inevitable.” You answered with a deep sigh. 
“Yeah, it was bound to happen.” He replied back. “But he’s doing a great job as a father now, isn’t he? He’s nailing it.”
“I guess. He and Jaejin are inseparable now.” You said, accompanied by a slight chuckle. 
“If it makes any difference…” He started as he stood up from his seat, leaving the now empty glass on the countertop. “The gifts were from Junmyeon. Tricked him with the fact that I signed him up as a foster father overseas to help him recover from you. So that’s pretty much it, until next time.” And with that, he left you alone in the kitchen still waiting for the cake to finish. And wondering about the what ifs and what could’ve beens. 
The red-bottomed black stiletto heels that you had for years now fitted your feet perfectly as you cautiously walked down the pathway of an exclusive and undeniably expensive Chinese restaurant. The splendid and effeminate white dress clinging to your body in ways that made you feel confident to be in such a place. 
“Reservation under Mr. Zhang?” You told the receptionist that wore a red cheongsam. She asked your name for confirmation before she asked one of the butlers to lead you to one of the distant tables. 
And there you saw Yixing Zhang, clad in a wonderfully simple black blazer and white dress shirt. A humble outfit that only made his stature and facial features pop out from feet away. The place was exquisite yet he seemingly outshined all crystal chandeliers and golden adorned walls. 
“You look fantastic.” He stood up from his seat as he kissed your hand, a trail of electricity climbing up your cheeks resulting to an unconcealable blush. 
“You, too.” You answered as he pulled a seat for you. And they say that chivalry is dead but the epitome of a gentleman was living and breathing in front of you. 
“Isn’t this a bit too much?” You whispered, a tad bit ashamed at the immense effort. 
“I figured that you have a bit of expensive taste. It’s just right to be on your best foot at the first date, right?” Yixing answered, a smile slowly forming on his face and his eyes adorably forming a smile as he does so. 
He willingly and enthusiastically introduced you to a myriad of chinese cuisine. Chatting over his childhood back in his motherland that was sparked in remembrance over the presence of cua pao and char siu. The funny stories of his nameless cat and his fond memories shared with his beloved mother. How he transferred from China to Korea for the better law education, and you just willingly listened and admired how animated his hands become while he speaks about something he’s passionate about. Waving his hands around as he hold his chopsticks makes him seem so alive and vibrant, yet his face still tells a story of seriousness and sincerity as a result of his years of law practice. 
“How about you? Why stop on being a paralegal? Haven’t you dreamt of pursuing law school?” Yixing asked with his eyes full of earnest intent to listen. And you feel your mood slip down, if the tables have turned and you’re now the subject, it was inevitable to admit who you really are - a mother. And you’re scared of losing this spark that you’re enjoying once he knows the truth. 
“That has been my lifelong dream, honestly. But things came up, change of plans…” You delayed your revelation. It’s not that you’re ashamed of Jaejin, it’s more of being afraid of being deemed unworthy over again. 
“What change of plans?” He asked as he wiped the sweet and sour sauce on his lips with the table napkin. 
“Got pregnant.” You answered simply, trying to put it lightly. 
Yixing visibly stalled in front of you, trying hard to digest the bomb you just dropped. And you understand his shock, it’s not the first time a promising date went downhill by the fact. But it still made you a tad bit sad that Yixing’s not an exception. 
“Dealbreaker?” You tried to chuckle. “I’m sorry for dropping the truth a bit too late. This dinner was going well but I couldn’t let it go on without you knowing.” You shook your head. 
“What? No! It’s not a dealbreaker. It’s… awesome.” Yixing’s charm filled dimples presented itself yet again while he smiled. “I just… I didn’t expect you to be a mother. You don’t look like one just yet.” 
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” You said with a smile. 
“So how old is he.. He or she?” He asked again, and you could feel like he was sincerely interested in talking about Jaejin. “Wait, you’re not married right?”
“Jaejin, my son, is 6 years old. And yes, I’m not married.” You said with a smile.
“I know this is a sensitive subject but, where’s Jaejin’s father?” 
“We live with him, just for the past few months. But we’re not together. We’re civil just for the sake of Jaejin.” You explained. 
“So, coparenting?” He asked again. 
“Yes, I think you could call it like that.” You answered again, and a period of short silence enveloped the two of you before you spoke again. “Is it really okay with you? I mean, I totally understand if it puts you off I-”
“No! I promise it’s not a problem for me. It made me even more interested in you, really. It painted a whole new aspect of you for me, stronger.” Yixing had a happy tone which made you breathe in relief. “Right now I’m just really looking forward on the day I meet Jaejin.” 
And it was needless to say that put a smile on your face and lit a new fire in your heart.
“Is this where you live?” Yixing asked as the automated gates of Junmyeon’s mansion open and he started driving in. You answered a silent yup, trying to digest the clashing of worlds, the new one just ever so casually driving his car in the turf of your old. “So this is your ex’s place?”
“Yeah.” You answered with a low breath. 
“You’re uncomfortable?” He asked with a chuckle. “Yeah, me too. This is unusual.” He remarked as he parked right at the front of the huge carved wood main doors and the large white marble fountain. 
“So, thank you for tonight?” Yixing spoke again. “And I sincerely hope this wouldn’t be the last. I mean it.”
“I don’t think it would be.” You answered comfortably. 
Yixing went out of the car and around to your door as he opened it. The manly smell of his perfume overtaking your senses and now your face is only a few inches from his. You could almost feel your face gravitate to his until a voice called your name behind him. 
“Junmyeon…” You quickly fixed the way you stood and closed the door of his car. “This is.. This is,” Your hands moved in an awkward way. 
“Attorney Zhang.” Junmyeon suddenly muttered, finishing your sentence for himself. 
“Mr. Kim, it’s been a while.” And you swear you could feel the tension rise between the two as you stood there mind boggled on the fact that they’re aware of each other’s existence. Like two overlapping circles on a venn diagram.
“You know each other?” You cluelessly asked, head turning back and forth between the two men who had their eyes intensely looking at each other, almost boring a hole at each other’s heads. 
“You could say that we have a bit of a history.” Yixing answered, a dry smile trying to facade the growing friction reflected in his eyes. 
162 notes · View notes
chnsfairy · 6 years ago
Text
name please ? | han jisung
words ; 3,441
genre ; fluff, a bit of crack
requested ; yes, who prompt 1;iv ( @skzrequests )
warnings ; barista!reader, guitarist!jisung, like two curse words
a/n ; ok so i bent the prompt juST a lil bit but it has the same general idea and i think it turned out ok so i hope you enjoy it lovely !
m.list in bio
~
“you know y/n, one day you’re gonna have to learn how to make latte art properly,, ( ̄  ̄|||)” woojin complains before once again guiding your hand over the small mug which at this point is just a huge mess
“and on your own”
( ̄ε ̄@) ( ̄ε ̄@) meanie
“you’ve been what ? working here for half a year and you still dont know how-” woojin tried to continue, but unfortunately for him, his attempt to teach you how to correctly use steamed milk has come to a crashing halt as a loud bang followed by groans was heard by the front door
you turned on your heel and headed towards the front of the counter,, trying to figure out what exactly caused the ruckus in the usually peaceful coffee shop
excluding your’s and woojin’s bickering in the back
“uhhhh excuse me ???” you ask,, carefully peering over to the giant mess that was now on the floor
“you ok sir ?” (・人・)
sprawl across the floor, carrying a guitar case, it seemed as if the stranger misinterpreted both the speed he was entering the door at and the size of the case,, cause it seemed he got caught at the door ahfjksadhfkjsa poor kid (。╯︵╰。)
he came dressed in some simple ripped light jeans, white t-shirt, and light jacket, plus his fluffy brown hair messily laying atop his head as if he just got out of bed
i mean who knows maybe he did
yes he did
“aH ! im um,, so sorry im late....”
after finally collecting himself the stranger stood up and picked up his guitar case,, pink tinting his face from embarrassment and like...you know... he kinda cute (*/ω\)
no tea no shade
especially when he started messing with his already messy hair yeah there was no use trying to fix that mess but uWU LOOK AT HIS CHEEKS AND SPARKLY BROWN EYES AHHH !!!! (/▽\*)。o○♡
woah woah there cool in y/n he just walked in
it’s not your fault he just happens to be absolutely adorable
but maybe it would be best to stop staring at him,,,, 
when the boy started walking towards the counter you found yourself quickly shuffling behind woojin, who was now confused, as you pushed him up front to handle with the newcomer,,  
CAUsE SORRY BUT THERE WAS NO WAY YOU WERE GOING TO BE GETTING THROUGH A FULL CONVERSATION WITHOUT MAKING A FOOL OF YOURSELF SO WHY DONT WE STOP THAT POSSIBILITY NOW
“hi so i was hired a couple days ago to play a few nights a week ?? this is the right place yeah ? im sure i got the address right....if n-”
woojin interrupted his ramblings before he could continue any further,, bless him
“ oh !! so thats who the boss was talking about !! yeah let me just head back to make eveything’s in order, um y/n can you get him a drink or something ?”
walking away from you he left you completely exposed,, giving the other boy across from you an awkward laugh you grabbed woojin’s shirt quickly to stop him from leaving
“woojin you didnt tell me we were getting a new guitarist !!” you whispered harshly
“ᵒʳ ᵃ ᶜᵘᵗᵉ ᵒⁿᵉ”
“well sorry i didnt think it was important ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
“does our friendship mean nothing to you”
woojin laughs quietly as he walks through the the door leaving you alone with the cafe’s new guitarist who just so happens to be looking like a whole ass model
“so um,, ” you started nervously,, mAN who thought this one person you make you so fLUSTERED JHASKKSAFKL
“want anything to drink ?”
after staring at menu up on the wall for a couple seconds the guitarist gave you a small smile JHFJKAGJISFIJEHUIGH before nodding his head
“sure can i have an iced latte ?”
out of habit you immediately asked “name please ?”
“oh you know... just your friendly neighborhood squirrel”
(・・ ) ? (・・ ) ? (・・ ) ?
you eyed the boy who was now leaning up against the counter smiling to himself
“i- oh come on wh-”
“thats the name,, you better write it down”
sighing to yourself you carefully wrote it down,, not necessarily sure if you even need to but who cares
as the musician pulled out his wallet to pay you put up your hand to stop him
cause no way you were letting this cute boy pay for his drink
plus he’s an employee as well
“it’s on the house”
“no please let me pay for it ( `ε´ )”
“nope”
so without anyone else there to help, you stepped away from the register and started prepare this strange guitarist’s drink
quietly laughing to yourself as you do so
moments later woojin walks back through the door and out from behind the counter and motions for mystery boy to follow him towards the small stage the cafe had
it was small and shoved into a corner, all wooden as most of the cafe was and it was covered with many different plants and decorated with fairy lights
vv aesthetic if you do say so yourself
then in the center of it was a stool and microphone for performer to set up with and use when they were performing
a couple months ago you had a band play here on friday’s so you had some other equipment in the back but it seemed unnecessary for a simple acoustic guitar 
you watched as the boy looked at the fairy lights and the actually quiet beautiful set up in awe
the musician started to unpack his guitar case as you finished off his drink and started walking towards the stage where woojin was showing him where everything was
“you know now that i really think about it ‘squirrel’ kinda suits you”
the sparkly eyed boy laughed as you handed him his drink,, unknowing of what you should say you ended up standing there awkwardly for a few seconds before  realizing there was another customer back at the register
“ah- i should,, probably go” you said jabbing your thumb towards the counter before awkwardly heading back
what was tHAT AHHH !! STOP BEING SO WEIRD Y/N OK
ITS REALLY NOT YOUR FAULT HIS HAIR JUST LOOKS PERFECT AND HIS EYES ARE BRIGHT AND HIS SMILES CUTE AND OK TIME TO STOP NOPE NOPE NOPE
you dont even know his name....(。•́︿•̀。) (。•́︿•̀。) (。•́︿•̀。)
lil thot wont give it to you
but thats ok
if he wants to play it like this then thats fINE
you can deal with that
hopefully....
by the time you had finished helping out the other customer you started to hear the sweet sound of an acoustic guitar being played throughout the coffee shop
“you know he’s not half bad,,,”
woojin had returned from helping the musician get settled and soon found his regular spot on a stool in the corner
“yeah,, he’s pretty good isn’t he”
and then a few minutes later you found yourself completely absorbed in the brunette’s angelic voice filling the shop, his guitar only making it even more beautiful
your staring was soon interrupted by woojin pushing you off to the side so he could help a lady who had walked in about a minute ago,, which you hadn’t realized (>﹏<) oops
“y/n would you like to go take your break ?”
(´♡‿♡`)  (´♡‿♡`)  (´♡‿♡`)
!!!!!
“ can i ???”
woojin motioned you to go once again,, and as you were already so distracted it wouldn’t have made much of a difference
you found yourself sitting at an empty table in the corner,, you’ve heard some other guitarists perform many times in your life but this one takes the cake
you’re not too sure what it is about him but,,, he just looked and sounded so sincere with every word he sang ??? the guitar and him looked like they were a single creature,, knowing exactly how to work as one
it was just really beautiful
he was playing a cover of a song you’ve heard a few times before called ‘better days’ by jaie,, he also seemed to have ended up adding some extra elements to fit his voice better and overall it made an incredible impact
almost everyone else in the cafe had their eyes on the musician singing up front who looked so immersed in his music there would’ve been no time for stage fright
“i’ve had my better days, and you’ve had your better days too” he sang quietly
soon after the song had ended there was a light applause from the customers in the coffee shop,, including you who soon.... realized that you need a paycheck....
yeah ok the cute boy is gonna have to wait we gotta get that bread kids
(╥_╥) (╥_╥)
after making the short walk back to your position behind the counter where woojin found his spot once again on his stool until he had to go make up some drinks you started to hear an acoustic version of million dollar man by lana del rey flow through the cafe
it was simple and elegant and you felt kinda sad you couldnt sit and watch :(((((
there was only a couple hours left before you had to close up so you guess it wasnt that bad,, at least you got to listen to some pretty music during the normally slow and quiet closing shift
honestly at this rate you might fall asleep if the guitarist kept the atmosphere this peaceful,, i mean you weren’t complaining bUT THAT PROBABLY WOULDN’T LOOK GOOD TO THE BOSS
so instead you ended up reading for the most of the time until all the customers had all left and woojin had begun wiping down tables and sweeping floors as mystery boy packed up his guitar and papers
then after you finished cleaning up the counter and throwing all the trash out back you collected your own belongings and changed back into your own plain jeans and sweatshirt before clocking out for the day
as you headed back towards the front you saw woojin talking to the unnamed guitarist and waved at the pair before finally walking out the door and into the early spring air
“bye jinnie !! i’ll see you tomorrow !”
nodding his head woojin continued to chat with the brunette as you started heading down the block and towards your apartment
man,,, why did he have to be so cute ??! >:((((
its not fAIR HE DIDNT EVEN TELL YOU HIS NAME HES MEANNN
(ノ_<、) you’ll have to get it from him tomorrow
aAAH even if it’s the last thing you have to do
ok so maybe you went to sleep thinking about the sparkly eyed boy who played beautiful guitar and had an aMAZING voice but like ajdhjsahd who wouldn’t
the next day was mainly the same,,, you had your regulars and a few newcomers who just so happened to be in the neighborhood and stopped in for a drink
and of course the guitarist walked back into the shop a little after 4,, this time slightly more put together 
his hair was styled a bit and looked even better but how the fuck is that possible,, today he was also wearing a leather jacket over a yellow hoodie and black jeans
although you hadn’t realized he’d come in yet ahjksfhasdjk
but when you finally looked up you were pleasantly surprised
but jeSUS HI YOU’VE SEEN WHAT AN ANGEL LOOKS LIKE BYE YOU CAN GO TO HELL NOW YEET 
“what are you a ninja ? ”
“yes y/n,, i am in fact a ninja ”
“hEY WHY DO YOU KNOW MY NAME >:CCCCCC”
its nOT FAIR hE JUST- HNGGG
“it’s on your name tag”
“oh yeah”
you slightly pouted at the boy in front of you who had become slightly amused by your reaction,, you were cute uwu
“and what would you like today ?” you proceeded as you tried to keep the conversation going
“hmm how about a cappuccino”
he responded after a couple of seconds
“nO i cANT DO THE FANCY ART THINGYYY (╥﹏╥)”
you sighed once again before talking out a paper cup sharpie in hand
“and name ?”
"you said it yourself,,, im a ninja”
you laughed again before rolling your eyes as you scribbled down ‘ninja’ on the cup
“you’re funny you know that ?”
the male shrugged his shoulders and picked up his guitar case once again
“actually no beCAUSE MY JOKES ARE NEVER APPRECIATED” 
he then laughs hysterically before heading back towards the lit stage,, leaving you puzzled
“heY uM woojin ????” you needed to find that man to help do the steamed milk,,, or maybe the whole drink all together
luckily he just came back from his break when you shoved the paper cup into his hands
“ninja ?”
“dont ask. pretty art. make. plEASE ? (ಥ﹏ಥ)” you had started tugging on your friends sleeve because you just really didnt want to give a cute boy a cappuccino without pretty art on it :(((
“fine fine fine,, but this is the LAST time,,, im teaching you this weekend i swear...”
“woojin i loveeeee youuuu” (´ ε ` )♡
“(¬_¬) i know”
minutes later after the musician had gotten set up and with his pretty decorated cappuccino the sweet sound of his voice and guitar filled the air,, having all other customers in the room turn their heads to find exactly where it was coming from
especially as he started doing a cover of instagram by dean,, which was yA KNOW AMAZING
he continued to play for a couple hours until you had to close up,, although every so often he ended up glancing your way,, to find that you were also watching he quickly turned away as he felt his face heat up (⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄) 
lucky you,, he didnt see you freak out at the exact same time
and thats basically how it went every day for a while
the still unnamed guitarist would walk in some time after 4, ordered a drink and then played for a couple hours before it was time to close up
nothing out of the ordinary
i mean maybe nOT GIVING HIS NAME 
CAUSE GODDAMNIT YOU’RE GETTING ANNOYED BY ALWAYS WRITING SOME RANDOM NAME ON HIS CUP
HE CUTE OK YOU WANNA KNOW HIS NAME AHHHH
oh why dont you ask, you question ????
YOU’VE TRIED
“ok real name this time”
“y/n i’ve already told you”
ψ( ` ∇ ´ )ψ ψ( ` ∇ ´ )ψ ψ( ` ∇ ´ )ψ NO
“well tell me again”
“yeah i decided that it changed today”
sighing you completely gave up on this argument and motioned back to the sharpie in your hand 
“kermit the frog.” he said before crossing his arms in a fake pout
“fuck you i love kermit the frog”
“oh i didn’t know you loved me”
((╬◣﹏◢)) aAHHHH NDHFJKJK WHY CANT HE JUST LEAVE YOUR HEART ALONE ALREADY HUH
“nO I- HNGG T^T ....φ(・∀・*)”
you once again angrily scribbled down this boys fake name,, damn you just wanted to knoW AHHH !!! (╥﹏╥)
those were days where five minute arguments were involved with the name picking yet there were others that lasted only 30 seconds
“ __〆( ̄ー ̄ ) and name please ?”
“ironman”
“yeah no im just leaving this here today”
so after a couple weeks it was just a thing between the two of you
it was your bit per-say
ok maybe you have a tiny crush on the guy but like ???? who wouldn’t ???? he’s just AHhfhasjkf 
words cant properly explain it
the two of you clicked almost immediately and you dont feel as if it would be completely wrong to call him a friend
except most friends know each other’s name...so there’s that bit to work out
iF HE WOULD JUST GIVE IT TO YOU
so after a month of random names on paper cups you had a mission today to get this cute boy’s name on his drink today >:(
“ok please please please please please please your name????” 
he gave you another one of his bright smiles before simply saying “han”
( ̄_ ̄)・・・ “han what?”
“just han”
(¯ . ¯٥) the lil liar
you know it’s a last name you’re nOT STUPID
“it’s my stage name”
“\\٩(๑`^´๑)۶// WELL THAT DOESN’T COUNT”
“TOO BAD Y/N”
you pouted once again at your failed attempt to get his real name,,, the meanie,,, why does he tease you like this >:ccc
but you gotta get paid so you grumpily write down his stage name on the cup as he walked over to the stage
“get his name yet ?” woojin comes up from behind you as you hand him the cup
“no :((( bUT why cant you tell me ????”
“i’ve been sworn to secrecy”
“wHY IS KEEPING A NAME A SECRET” you argue as you watch woojin prepare the drink
“because he finds you cute when you get flustered like this”
“bECAUSE IT’S JUST A NAME LIKE- wait what (・・ ) ”
“oops that was another secret soRRy”
you turned back around and grabbed your friends shoulders and shook him probably a bit too violently
“WOOJIN YOU DONT KEEP THINGS LIKE THIS FROM YOUR BEST FRIEND OK WE HAVE A PACT”
“what pact ?????”
“it was an unspoken pact.”
“thEN HOW AM I- you know what never mind i shouldn’t question your insanity” he waved you off so he could finish making ‘han’s drink leaving you both flustered and confused behind the counter as his guitar soon started filling the empty sounding coffee shop
about two hours later there only remained a few other people left so you decided to take your break for the evening as by now there probably wouldnt be much to do
soon a new song had started playing throughout the cafe and your head turned to see the guitarist giving you a shy smile
it was one you had never heard before so the gentle acoustic guitar and han’s comforting voice drew you back towards one of the shop’s tables where you then sat until all other customers ended up leaving
as the two of you were completely unaware of woojin cleaning up the shop, han continued playing and you continued listening to the mystery song before woojin shouted from the back room, forcing you to break eye contact and awkwardly smile at the guitarist
“y/n im clocking you out ok ?!” 
“ ok !!” you shouted back before once again turning towards han who was now packing up his case
“what was that last song?”
he muscician scratched the back of his neck before laughing sightly
“uhh it was an original although i haven’t actually titled it yet,, i just wanted to test it out”
“oh wow !! well it was really good, you have my approval ☆⌒(≧▽�� )”
“woah really ? thank you that mean a lot...”
(・人・) (・人・) (・人・)
ok woojin it would be great if you could just walk in here and break the awkward silence by now hnNG
“jisung”
∑(O_O;)
“sorry what ??”
“han jisung,,, thats my name”
(O.O)(O.O)
“i think you deserve it by now”
Σ(°ロ°) Σ(°ロ°) Σ(°ロ°)
“aWE A CUTE NAME FOR A CUTE BOY LOOK-”
oh shit (o_O)
well you certainly did not mean to say that out loud
“oops sorry heheheheh”
jisung was GONE
this barista who he had been secretly pining over for a month just called him cute all his insides are just HJSADHKJAKDSA
help the poor boy
his stomach is doing flips as we speak
i mean he couldn’t just leave it as is 
cOME ON WHERE’S YOUR CONFIDENCE  ヾ(。><)シ
“so um,, does that mean i can take you out to coffee sometime ?”
(;;;*_*) (;;;*_*)
“although unless you dont want to-”
“yes.”
“i get that like you kinda just learned my name”
“yes.”
“not too sure why that was kept a secret so long but- what?”
“jisung 1. ahhh cute name, 2. yes, i’d love to (/。\)”
jisung gave you another one of his adorable bright smiles that felt as if it could light up a whole room,, which is did as always,, although this time he looked almost even happier
and for once you went to sleep without racking your brain for ideas as to what his name could be
-
bonus ;
“although if you give them something other than your name i will leave”
“y/n” 
“like did me saying ‘name please ?’ cause you to freak out or something ?? honestly i’m very curious”
“wELL when it just so happens to be someone looking very cute...yes i did,,,,”
“aWWEEE JISUNG” 
362 notes · View notes
sunflowerstache · 6 years ago
Text
A Happy Man (Part 2)
A/N: Hello beauties! This is the sequel to my first ever angst piece “You’ll Be Okay” and I really love it! It’s loosely based off the song Die A Happy Man by Thomas Rhett! As always, if you enjoyed/have questions/comments/suggestions/all of the above, please let me know! I love hearing from y'all so much and I love you all to bits!
Word Count: 3.1k
Masterlist            Part 1
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“Have a nice Saturday love.”
Your phone buzzed on the end table next to your spot on the couch, indicating another incoming message from Harry. And just like every other day, you left the message unanswered. For the past 4 days, like clockwork, he had sent you a text at exactly 8:15am, wishing you a good day, and another at 9:30pm reminding you that he loves you. After walking out of yours and Harry’s hotel’s room 4 days ago, you had immediately flown home and showed up a sobbing mess at your parent’s doorstep. Upon the door opening, you found your father raising a baseball bat and your mother hidden on the staircase, in fear of an intruder – as it was the early hours of the morning – a sight you would laugh at if it were any other circumstance. Once your parents realized it was just you, and that you were a wreck, they quickly ushered you inside and to the couch, so you could explain what was wrong. That was days ago, and here you were, still seated in the same spot, staring off into space while your parents watched from the entryway.
“She’s going to start growing into the couch if she doesn’t move Y/M/N.” your dad whispered, or at least whispered as much as a dad was capable.
There was a small thud, and you knew your mom had gently smacked your father’s chest, “He meant a lot to her. She just needs some time.”
“And she can hear you both.” You turned your head to look at the two of them huddled together. “I appreciate you letting me crash here, but you don’t have to dote over me. I’m a big girl. Go to the Christmas Tree Shop or whatever it is you retired folk do.” You tried to crack a smile, but you knew it looked more like grimace.
“Oh hunny, you don’t have to thank us. You’re our baby, of course you are always welcome here.” Your mom cooed as she scuttled across the room to sit next to you and run her fingers through your hair, “Everything’s going to work itself out. I promise.”
“My offer still stands monkey. You let me know where he is, and I’ll go have a nice little chat with Harold.” Your dad smiled, still standing at the entryway.
“No dad. The last thing I want is for you to talk to him right now. It would only make things worse. I mean, I didn’t break up with him. I just told him I needed time. So that’s what I’m doing. Taking some time.” You took a deep breath, talking more to yourself than to your parents now, “Not broken up.”
~~~
“She broke up with me, mum.” Harry’s groan was muffled by the thick white duvet as he laid face down on his hotel bed, still in yesterday’s clothes. “I’ve tried to talk to her every day, and there’s no reply.” Similarly to Y/N, Harry had spent the last 4 days in the same position; wallowing in self-pity and crying to his mother.
“She didn’t my dear. You told me what she said, and she just needs some time.” Anne was seated next to her son, running her hands through his short curls, “You have to understand where she’s coming from. The two of you have been strong for two years, this is just a small bump. Everyone goes through them.”
“Not us, mum. We don’t do this. We never fight, and we never walk away from each other. We’re best friends. Or, we were at least.”
“The two of you are two peas in a pod, don’t doubt that Harry. You have a very busy life, and I mean this with every ounce of love I have for you,” Harry turned his head to peak out from under the blanket to look at Anne, “but you do tend to put quite a lot on your plate. And you never were one for clearing your plate. You’ve been so focused on finding things to keep you busy during this time off, that you’ve put some things to the back burner. Some important things.”
It was like Harry was transported back in time, listening to the bustling streets below while everyone carried on with their lives. Like he wasn’t losing his mind 14 floors above their heads. He knew his mum was right. He always wanted to have a plan a, and a plan b, and plan c, but there was never a risk for that lifestyle before. Never the chance for his precisely planned life to cause such an uproar. But here he was, a weeping, snotty, mess because he planned for everything except his love leaving him.
“Let me ask you, Harry. All of the money, the designer clothes, the followers, notoriety, is it all what’s most important to you? Would you be the happiest with only that?”
His head was shaking before Anne could even finish her questions. There was no doubt in his mind that everything he has, everything his unprecedented luck has been able to provide him, meant nothing if he had no one to share it with. No one to come home to laugh about cute fan encounters with. Nothing without anyone to call up when the silence of empty hotel rooms becomes too much.  “Absolutely not.”
“Then in your heart, you know what to do.” She nodded and patted Harry’s back before getting up and disappearing through the front door.
~~~
“Alright, look munchkin. I love you, you know that. But the ass that’s supposed to be making a dent in the couch is mine. I didn’t retire for you to beat me to it.” Your dad plopped down on the couch next to you. “You have a bed upstairs for that.”
“Can’t dad. ‘ve got pictures of him up there. Don’t wanna look at them right now.” You paused, hearing your mother on the phone, for the 4thtime today, “Who she keep talking to?”
You heard him huff next to you, “Who knows. She’s always got something new to gossip about these days. This week, it’s been about Martha leaving the office to go to the company upstairs.”
You were thankful for your dad. While your mother was always the one to sit you down and talk some sense into you when something was going awry, your dad was the comedic relief you needed. He always knew how to take your mind off of the seriousness of life. Which Is exactly what you needed right now.
“I wasn’t going to say anything, ya know, because of the reason you’re here and all, but you smell kid. I don’t know how it works across the pond, but over here we have these things called showers. It’s real neat, you go in and wash you-“
“Oh my god, shut up dad. We have showers for fucks sake.” You laughed, leaning over to rest your head on his shoulder. The two of you sat in silence for a moment, the soft murmur of Netflix and your soft breathing filled the air.
“Everything’s going to work out darling. Everyone goes through a rough patch, and it was about time the two of you had yours.” He stopped for a moment, “You know, your mother and I separated for a couple of months.”
Your head shot up at that and looked wide eyed at your father. For your entire life, you idolized your parent’s relationship and wished for nothing more than to achieve what they have. You never would have imagined that they went through any sort of issues. “No you didn’t! When?”
“You were about a year old. I was working double shifts every week while she stayed home with you. She wanted to be able to be there for you every day, watch you grow, and I would have loved nothing more, but someone had to pay for all the diapers you shit in.” you both chuckled, “Me not being home was too much for her and she told me she needed time. Sound familiar?”
“How’d you get past it?”
“I had been staying with your uncle for a couple months, and then woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and told myself I was an idiot for walking away so easily. So, I went back to the house, sat her down, told her how much I loved her and that I was working so hard so that the two of you could have the best lives possible. That’s all I want – the two of you to be happy and not worry about anything.”
The tears were starting to form in your eyes, thinking about how similar your situation is to what your parents went through. Not wanting to sit and cry in front of your dad, again, you patted his knee and stood up.
“About time I go shower, yeah? Wash this stink off.” you smiled and made your way to the staircase, leading to the second floor of your childhood home.
“I love you kiddo.” Your dad called after you, making some warmth spread through your relatively cold body.
In any other situation, you would be disgusted with yourself that this was your first shower in 4 days. But showering was the last thing on your mind recently. As you stood under the searing water, you thought over everything your father had said. Everything he spoke about, you knew is how Harry felt. He told you every chance he got that he loved providing for you, loved being able to make you smile. And it didn’t take much. You got so much joy just by watching in achieve the things he dreamed of and standing behind the scenes to see just how much the love of your life has achieved. But that wasn’t what caused your departure. You had watched Harry make room in his busy life for countless people, so why couldn’t he do that for someone he loved? You thought back to your trip to Italy and hung your head. In his own way, you realized, he did.  After canceling your museum tour, he had the two of your sit in bed all night and watch a Italian historical documentary. Brought you to the private hotel pool with a bottle of wine after not being able to go to the beach and left you a note the morning of your cancelled breakfast date. You realized these were all ways he showed you he cared and wasn’t trying to put work ahead of you. And here you were, standing in your parent’s shower, ignoring all his loving messages every day, just so you could justify your leaving. Quickly shutting off the water, you grabbed a towel and made a beeline to your old room, needing to get dressed and find your phone. You had apologizing to do.
You ran down the stairs, after throwing on some old black sweats and a white t-shirt, your hair still dripping from the shower and leaving a trail of water in your path. Getting to the space you were occupying on the couch, you noticed that your phone was no longer on the charger, “Mom! Where did you move my phone?”
No response.
“Seriously mom! I need to use my phone.”
Again, not response, just the sound of glasses clinking in the kitchen.
“I can hear you in the kitchen. If you’re ignoring me because you’re on the phone with someone from the office, talking about Martha again, I swear I’m gon-“ you choked on your sentence upon entering the kitchen, where you expected to find your mother.
The two of you stared at each other like deer caught in headlights, not knowing what to do or say. A wine glass was gently set down, and the room was so silent that you could hear the silent ringing it made when making contact with the marble countertop. You could feel your breathing start to pick up when he licked his lips and whisper a soft “Hi.”
“He – wha – what are you – how did?”
“I called your mom earlier. Told her I wanted to come. See you.”
You nodded, biting the inside of your lip, not knowing how to get past the awkward tension in the air. You had never experienced this with Harry, this foggy unknown feeling. And you hated it.
“Why.”
“Why what?” lines formed on his forehead
“Why – why would you want to see me?
He continued to just stare at you, like you just asked him the meaning of life, with his mouth agape and hands on now resting on top of the counter. “Because I love you. And I’m not letting this be over. I’m not.” He shrugged, “I know you sai-“
“I’m sorry.” You exclaimed, interrupting whatever he was about to say, “I’m sorry for assuming you cared more about work. I’m sorry for blaming you for cancelling things. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry, so sorry.”
Before you knew what was happening, he had raced around the kitchen island and scooped you into his arms before your knees could buckled beneath you. Muffled gasps were coming from between your lips as Harry ran his hands over the back of your head.
“Shhh, hey none of that. It’s alright. You’re okay. I’m here.”
The two of you stayed locked in one another’s arms for what seemed like hours, making up for missing the feel of each other. Missing the way you could feel Harry’s heartbeat on your temple when hugging him. Him missing the feeling of your hands wound around his torso, toying with his back-belt loops. The two of you missing the comforting smell of the other. Slowly, once your crying subsided, Harry backed away slightly so that he could look at you.
“I think we have some stuff to talk about, yeah?” you nodded simultaneously and moved to sit down, facing each other, on the kitchen island stools. He gently picked up both your hands in his own, “Before you say anything, I need you to know I love you. I am so fucking in love with you that it makes my head spin. And when you walked out of that hotel room, I felt like I was drowning.” You moved to apologize again, but he quickly cut you off, “I don’t want to hear another apology out of you. Don’t ever apologize for your feelings. The hurt you’re feeling is yours to feel however you see fit.”
“I just, I don’t want you to think I’m asking you to choose, H. I would never. I know how much your career means to you, it means everything to me too. Watching you succeed and do what you love means the world to me.” You sniffled, trying make sure he understood that you support him in everything he does.
“But I would. I would choose. Because as much as I love the traveling and picking up new projects, and always being busy, I love you more. I love you more than all the sushi I could stomach in Japan. More than the packages Gucci sends me with new clothes. More than there are stars in the sky. So, I’mthe sorry one. I’m so sorry I ever made you doubt that, m‘love.” His eyes started to glaze over, accent getting thicker, as the threat of tears grew closer and closer.
“My career has given me more than I could ever ask for. This life I live gives me opportunities I never in a million years could have wished for. But absolutely none of it means anything if you’re not there to share it with me.” The smile that graced Harry’s face was brighter than anything you’ve ever seen on him. His dimples were prominent on his hair covered jaw, small crow’s feet loitered around the corners of his eyes, and his hands tightened in yours.
“But you should be able to do those things without worrying about me. About making sure I’m alright. You’re so young and so successful Harry! You shouldn’t have to worry about how I’m feeling 24/7. You should be able to do what you want, when you want it.  To be your own person.” You argued, knowing that this argument was slowly fleeting, as your love for the man in front of you was overpowering any doubts you had.
“I know who I am, doll. But I also know that I’m better with you. I’m better when I wake up to see your hair sprawled all over the bed. Better when I see you in that black dress that makes it hard for me to breathe. Better when you’re around. So, if I never get to see the Eiffel Tower again, or drive a new sports car, that’s okay.”  he shrugged, seeing your inner turmoil in your eyes, “Because if the only thing that I have in life is your hand in mine, then I could die a happy man.”
You took your hand out of his hold to brush away the tears that had made their way down your puffy cheeks. Guilt flooded through your veins for ever thinking that Harry loved you any less than how he described. So, you leaned forward to place a kiss to his lips, needing him to know you loved him just the same.
“I quite like the Eiffel tower.” You whispered once your lips disconnected from his, and a small chuckle left his lips,
“I know petal. I just want you to know that I don’t need a fancy destination because you’re my great escape. My sense of normalcy in this crazy life. You’re the one I want to repaint the living room while listening to Sinatra radio and dance around the fireplace with.”
You knew when starting this relationship that things would get difficult, what with being in the public eye and all the moving around. But you also knew that it was all worth it. It was worth it when you got to see Harry after walking off stage, after his morning jog, with his tongue sticking out between his lips while jotting things down in his journal. All the scrutiny was worth it when you got to slow dance in the kitchen or lounge all day with Evie. And no amount of rescheduling or cancellations would change that.
“Did you really just try to flex your Gucci deliveries to me?”
Taglist: @theasstour @emotionally-imbruised @harryspirate @swayingnoodlelove
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artificialqueens · 6 years ago
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The Language of Flowers, second half of Chapter 1 (Multi) - Albatross
AN: Alright, AQ and AO3 are finally caught up to each other. I’m pretty much set, as far as ordering the chapters goes, on having the Witney-centric parts labeled as .5 when I post on here (2.5, 3.5, 4.5, etc). The Witney side should start popping up in Chapter 2, Chapter 3 at the latest, because I’m trying to figure out right now where’s the best place to break up what I have written into new chapters vs. different sections. Its probably going to be late next month before I post the next chapter anywhere because I want to get most of the story written and reviewed before I start posting on a regular basis. I’ve made that mistake plenty of times already so I’m finally starting to learn from it. I’ll let you know the posting schedule in the next chapter! And thanks to everyone for the support, it really means a lot, honestly. I’m beyond flattered that you guys take the time to read these stories :)
With the help of the other women, Jinkx quickly became accustomed to the shop and settled into her new job with relative ease. In just a few weeks, both she and Ivy had garnered quite a reputation as being on par with some of the best florists in town and foot traffic for the shop had increased several times over. Their unique arrangements combined with the very reasonable pricing made the store a local hot spot, especially among those who preferred to support ‘family’ businesses rather than chain stores. Pretty soon there was even talk of hiring a third assistant but to date, no serious prospects had emerged. If she had to be honest with herself, Jinkx actually preferred it that way. She liked feeling busy while she worked; the days where the shop was empty and there were no orders to be filled were pretty boring to her.
Plus, and it was entirely selfish; she liked the dynamic that was going on between the four of them. She adored spending time with Ivy as they worked on arrangements together, she loved listening to Sharon and Violet bicker endlessly about the stupidest things, she even looked forward to the times when Violet would fall into 'business mode’ and argue with suppliers for better prices or products…also, quickly becoming her favorite was the few minutes in the morning where it was just her and Sharon chatting in the break room before the shop opened for the day.
The first time Jinkx was officially left in charge of opening the shop, she was quite surprised to see the lights already on in the break room. Part of her had thought that perhaps one of the other women simply forgot to turn it off the previous night and was tempted to leave it at that but curiosity compelled her to walk into the room and investigate. To her astonishment, she found Sharon sitting at the table, mug in one hand and cigarette in the other, dressed yet again in a rather thin camisole and tiny shorts that hugged tightly at every curve. A book laid open in front of her but Jinkx wondered if even a single word was registering with her, if the glazed-over look in her eyes was anything to judge by.
She was almost backing out of the room in embarrassment when Sharon’s voice echoed in her ears, “Gonna grab a mug or just keep staring?”
Meekly, Jinkx shuffled into the room with pink cheeks and poured herself a cup of coffee (black because she could feel Sharon’s eyes on her). As soon as she turned around from the coffee pot, her suspicions of being watched were confirmed and her gaze locked with Sharon’s. The older woman gave a small jerk of her head towards the empty chair across from her and within seconds Jinkx found herself facing the blonde and trying not to let her eyes drop any lower than Sharon’s slightly smeared crimson lips.
The situation felt vaguely reminiscent of the few times she had been called to the principal’s office as a child but like then, she was certain she was not in trouble. Even with that rational line of thought, Jinkx still felt an unusual queasiness in her stomach as she sat opposite from Sharon. Noticing her discomfort, the older woman gave her a calming smile and told her, “Don’t look so scared, I just wanted to check in with you.”
Feeling somewhat at ease, Jinkx answered the polite inquiries, slowly allowing herself to become more relaxed in Sharon’s presence. Before she realized it, their work-related conversation had turned into a personal one albeit in a somewhat limited fashion. They were just beginning to discuss less generic topics when Jinkx chanced a glance down at her phone and found that the shop was due to open in just a few minutes. She excused herself, downing the last of her lukewarm coffee in a quick gulp, and dashed out to finish preparing the shop for the first wave of customers.
Slowly but surely, the early morning conversations became a welcome part of Jinkx’s routine. Whenever she found her name listed under the rotation for the first shift, Jinkx felt a little jolt of anticipation for another chance to chat with her boss. That wasn’t to say they didn’t speak during their afternoon or night shifts, it was just that those conversations tended to be more subdued. It was the peace and solitude as they conversed over their coffee that Jinkx felt she really got to know Sharon, blunt behavior aside. Ivy and Violet would gladly fill the afternoon or evening with their own chatter, but Jinkx felt the morning ought to be reserved for Sharon alone.
In the beginning though, Jinkx was admittedly a bit suspicious of the behavior. A few weeks after their coffee breaks had become a regular thing, paranoia creeped at the edges of Jinkx’s mind and she decided to broach the topic with Ivy. She longed to know if Sharon was just being courteous or if she actually was trying to be friendly in her own brusque way.
“Hey Ives,” the redhead began one day as they worked in the alcove on the day’s orders, “When you open the shop in the morning…do you ever see Sharon in the break room?”
“Mm…sometimes,” Ivy said distractedly as she carefully positioned the more delicate flowers of her bouquet amongst the filler greenery.
“Does she…do anything while she’s in there?” Jinkx asked, trying to sound casual as she cut the stems for her newest project.
Tying the ribbon around her vase, Ivy replied, “Usually she’s just parked in front of the coffee pot…I think I’ve seen her smoking at the table once or twice. Why?”
Flustered, Jinkx covered for herself by saying, “I was just wondering…I’ve seen her back there when I open…Does she ever talk to you?”
Ivy’s head immediately shot up at the question and she took a moment to study Jinkx’s expression. Coming to the entirely wrong conclusion, Ivy said sympathetically, “Oh, Jinkx, it’s nothing personal! She’s just not much of a talker in the morning. Neither is Violet really. Those two are practically zombies whenever they’re up that early. I don’t think they really wake up until closer to lunch, to be honest.”
Blushing, Jinkx muttered, “That’s not really-I mean…Thanks, Ivy.”
“Try talking to her in the afternoons,” Ivy put in helpfully, “I’m sure she’ll be happy to chat then. And really, don’t worry about it; she likes you, so does Violet…and me of course!” she added with a bright smile.
All Jinkx could do was nod and hope her face wasn’t as red as it felt. She had no idea how to explain to Ivy that she had the completely wrong idea as to what Sharon was like with her in the mornings; a zombie, yes, but more than willing to chat. As that realization dawned on her, it made those moments she shared with her boss feel just a little more special. Particularly as Sharon was occasionally willing to lower her guard and reveal some of the anxieties she has about running the shop. Most of it was pretty normal; will business keep up, do they have enough security at night, and the most recent cause of concern; should they hire another assistant? Sharon was worried about the financial aspects of adding another florist and the more interpersonal reasons; would lightning strike a third time and provide someone that is both talented and fits in with the shop?
Either luckily or unluckily, Sharon didn’t have to ponder the situation for very long before Violet took a hand yet again and hired their third and final addition to the shop’s family; a cute little blonde that sounded as though she were fresh off the boat.
Jinkx had just walked through the front door to begin her afternoon shift when she heard Sharon’s sarcastic voice resonating from behind the counter, “Let me guess, this one’s name is Daisy or Lily or some shit?”
Jinkx could practically hear the smirk through Violet’s tone as she replied, “Nope…it’s Courtney.”
“Right,” Sharon said un-amused, “And what’s her last name then?”
“'Act’,” the blonde replied politely. Even though it was just one word, her accent was quite apparent and it seemed to catch both Jinkx and Sharon by surprise.
Jinkx did her best to remain unobtrusive as the two owners hashed things out but every so often she found her eyes wandering back to the Aussie as she set to work on the day’s orders. From the brief glances she stole towards the front of the shop, she quite surprised by how adorable the young woman was. It was rather obvious by now that she had not expected to be interviewed that day (or perhaps interrogated is more appropriate) but she still looked very well put together. Her entire look was not as meticulously crafted as Violet’s but the two could easily evaluated on the same scale with little distinction.
Today Violet was wearing a very unique, if somewhat vintage, dress that undoubtedly would turn heads when she left the shop while Courtney had on a more casual, off-the-shoulder cream sweater and dark jeans. Violet was in her usual plain stilettos that gave her at least an extra 4 inches while Courtney made due with a pair of strappy kitten heels that could easily be mistaken for sandals. Her hair was left in loose curls that fell to her mid back while Violet’s was carefully styled and pinned up to keep from brushing against her neck as she worked. The final difference between the two was their choice in make up. Courtney clearly favored a more natural look, almost as if she weren’t wearing any at all, whereas Violet sharply contrasted with her very exact, very precise style using bolder colors perfectly contoured to suit her face. In all the two looked like complete opposites, yet standing together they seemed to complement each other very well.
Even with the distance she kept from the three, Jinkx could see that Courtney was feeling quite intimidated by the older woman. Still, she was trying her best to make a good first impression and kept her bright smile firmly in place as Sharon glanced suspiciously between her and Violet. Jinkx was fully expecting the owners to escort the young blonde to the work benches for the same type of trial run she and Ivy had been given but to her utter shock, Sharon simply gave a defeated sigh and turned around to begin printing off another copy of the new employee forms. Her jaw actually dropped slightly as Sharon handed over the papers without a fight and began instructing the Aussie where to sign and initial. Jinkx couldn’t even bring herself to pretend to work as she watched the older blonde glaring at her business partner in silence as Courtney focused on completing the paperwork as quickly as possible.
As soon as she was done, both she and Violet left the shop rather quickly with Violet pausing to send a pointedly smug smirk towards Sharon. The second the door had shut, the older woman bolted away from the counter and called out to Jinkx to watch the shop for a few minutes while she took a smoke break. She nodded her head in confirmation but she doubted Sharon saw it as she sped across the shop’s floor towards the back. Jinkx longed to follow after her to try and talk or calm her down, her heart actually ached to do so, but her body remained firmly in place. She had never seen anyone so obviously seething before; it was almost a wonder that she had kept her voice and expression as calm as she did while Violet and Courtney were present.
Within a few seconds of Sharon entering the back room, Ivy came bursting through the door as though she were being pursued by an unspeakable monster. Spotting Jinkx at the work tables, she immediately made her way over to find out what the hell had happened in the 10 short minutes she had been back there taking a break. “We have a new assistant,” Jinkx replied ominously.
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sisterbestill · 6 years ago
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I write this on my iPhone, sitting next to my dad, who is currently getting his 4th Chemo Therapy Treatment of Carboplatin and Taxol. The drugs are chemical bombs and each week the accumulative damage grows. They pre-treat him with histamine blocking meds so he doesn’t have reactions, but he has reactions during the infusion, like he can’t breath. The nurses are well aware and calmly manage the reactions with more meds. These meds cause him to become very drowsy, so the remainder of the day becomes about keeping him from falling.
I still am trying to process all that has occurred since early August 2018. I look back on these pictures of our last outing at Lake Jocassee and never would have guessed how things would change just a week later. I’ve often wondered how cancer strikes people so quickly, now I know. I am writing this so I will never forget each minute that will forever live with me. I am also using this as a way to cope and understand something that is unfamiliar and terrifying.
My parents have always taken care of themselves and one another. They have been very lucky to have good health and I have been lucky to have them as energetic as they are in their eighties. When they moved up here from Florida, I was delighted I was going to finally be able to spend more time with them - like daily and weekly vs. just twice a year. They moved 15 minutes away or a lovely 60 min bike ride through rolling countryside and mountains. I was giddy and felt the universe shift a bit. I felt pulled to them. They are in fact two of the coolest, funniest, and open-minded people I know.
Shortly after this kayak trip (photos above) they decided to make a pact to live to 100 and created a “bucket list”. They were thankful for their health and never took it for granted. Perhaps the bucket list idea was a way to for them to celebrate how young they felt or perhaps they recognized they were chronologically getting up there.
Paddling on Jocassee was relaxing, calm, and beautiful; Certainly an experience they would have loved to have recreated again and I am hopeful they will. It may look different in the future, but I suspect the beauty and calmness of the lake will bath their brains in peace.
A week after snapping these pics, I got a call from my mom, she was on her way to the ER with my Dad. I was working one floor up and met them in the ER. While we waited, I learned my Dad had been feeling fatigued for several months and had developed shortness of breath over last few weeks. It wasn’t evident on the kayak trip that he was struggling, but it was obvious in the ER. My mom said they had been to their primary care several times and their primary care doc reassured him it was natural aging, as tests did not reveal anything to be concerned about.
As we sat for 6 hours in the waiting area, I was certain it was nothing serious. Afterall, my dad had no other health issues other than a little hypertension. His meds consisted of an 81 mg baby aspirin and amlodipine 2.5 mg each day - what a lucky guy. I was thinking maybe he had pleurisy or walking pneumonia.
We finally were shown to a room and labs were drawn. We were relieved to finally get things moving. By this time my sister, Lori, and I were getting silly from the fatigue of waiting. We were thoroughly entertained by a belligerent drunk guy on a stretcher in the halllway who seemed to draw all the attention of the medical staff while we well-behaved folks waited for answers.
I noticed my dad’s HR would easily jump to a sinus tach in the 130s with just a little bit of movement. Something didn’t seem right, but I was not going to speculate or think the worst. I was just his daughter, at his side, keeping the mood light.
We were informed by the physician assistant caring for us that his left diaphragm was elevated and was probably the cause of his shortness of breath. I was a little taken back as this was an unusual finding that left me with a knot in my stomach. Not too long after this finding he was whisked away for a CT of his chest.
He returned to the room and we waited for results. The PA came in with a sticky note and said she read off it: “You have a very large anterior mediastinal mass...No one here will operate because of your age...We are discharging you and you will need to see an oncologist.”
Our mouths dropped. My stomach bottomed-out as she said “mass” and my face flushed. We all just blankly looked at one another. Go home?
I spoke to a good nurse friend in recovery and she called the thoracic resident. I spoke to the PA who delivered the news and said, “We can’t go home. He is short of breath. He and my mom live alone. His Heart rate is bouncing up to 130s. He is weak. Please admit him and consult thoracic surgery.” My dad chimes in, “I’m not a throw away!” Meaning he doesn’t want to be dismissed because of his chronological age. He was far healthier than most half his age and this deserved a second look. The radiologist who read the report never actually saw my dad, but he did see a birthdate.
The next day, the interventional radiologist who read his CT and gave us the crappy news also did a needle biopsy of this baseball size mass.
We went home on a Wednesday after 2 days and waited. We were waiting for results and waiting for an appointment with a thoracic surgeon. Waiting is tough and if you are sick you will learn the meaning of patience.
We made it to Sunday when I thought something wasn’t right with my dad. He continued to have episodes of shortness of breath, but something was still off. I knew he had anxiety, but this was different. He said he felt fine and I almost left it at that. As a nurse you learn to listen to your 6th sense.
My parents live in a remote part of the county where everything is 30 min away. I left there house and an hour later returned with a pulse oximeter that I purchased from a CVS drug store. His oxygenation was 95% not bad for a guy now breathing 40 times a minute with 1.25 lung capacity. However, his pulse read 155 and I was baffled. No way?! I palpated his radial artery and it was a match. Off we went to the ER...
ER visit number II was faster as we went to a smaller satellite hospital 30 min from their home. The rhythm was too fast on the monitor to establish what it was so the ER MD attempted to chemically cardiovert him with adenosine. Adenosine is pushed quickly through an IV. It stops and restarts the heart. I can not lie, I was nervous. It’s so diffferent when this is your own family member. My mom tearfully excused herself and I stayed by his bedside. The ER doc informed my dad it would suck, and we proceeded. It sucked. He felt his heart stop and I watched his eyes bulge and panic come across his face for 3 of the longest seconds of my life. We were able to see he had an underlying atrial flutter. We were started on a verapamil drip and were transported to the main hospital for management by a cardiologist. His heart converted back to a normal rhythm on the verapamil drip before we left the ER in transport to Main hospital at 1 am. We were under the impression it was stress related to the new shitty diagnosis and having to wait on results.
The next day he had an echocardiogram to look at the structure and function of his heart. He was started on a Metoprolol a drug that blocks adrenaline and keeps heart rate lower and it was doing its’ job.
He spent 2 nights in hospital and outside of naps, lacked solid hours of good sleep. We finally got word that his ECHO results were good. No one said a word about metastatic disease to his pericardium. We were told he had a small ring of fluid within the pericardial sack, but it wasn’t a lot and certainly not something they felt needed draining. The atrial flutter responded well to the metoprolol and we were discharged home to once again wait for our thoracic surgery appointment.
We finally made it to the thoracic surgeon to learn of what was growing in my dad’s mediastinum. I was hoping for a thymoma, but instead we drew the really short stick with a highly aggressive, highly invasive cancer called: Squamos Cell Thymic Carcinoma.
WTF? Come on! Can we not catch a break here?
I had never heard of this type of cancer and neither have many in the medical field cause in addition to being aggressive and invasive, it is also a rare tumor. A rare tumor that hasn’t impacted enough lives that researchers devote a lot of time, money and effort into understanding it. Not only that, but sadly, most people die before any data can be collected. Once you get short of breath, dry cough and fatigue it is usually advanced.
PET Scan had some questionable lymph nodes light up, but no other disease was noted distal to the mediastinal cavity.
We hoped it could be removed. Excising the tumor was first choice in the management of this cancer and had the best outcomes, but to do this the surgeon would need to get clean margins. The thoracic surgeon wanted a cardiac MRI to examine if this tumor had invaded any of his great vessels. CT scans had only shown that the tumor was abutting the ascending aorta, but we needed to be certain cause the surgery involved opening his sternum with a saw and recovery would be 5-6 weeks. The surgeon emphasized that he didn’t want to operate and create trauma without being able to get the entire tumor. He didn’t want to delay care in a time-is-of-the-essence scenario.
It was 6pm on a Monday evening just days out from last hospitalization, when I returned to their house to check on him. Earlier that morning, my mom and I took his mini Pomeranian back to the vet and learned it was dying. The vet apologized and said it was time. We put my dad’s 18 y/o Pom, Ben, to sleep at 10:30. My mom held him and he passed. We were a mess. We told my dad and his response seemed flat. Distant.Something else was on his mind.
I stayed close and felt something was amiss, something was unfolding, progressing. I was thinking is he getting an infection? His temp was 100.2, slightly more SOB, and his pulse was 95-110 at rest, on a beta blocker. Nowhere near his norm and I could not ignore this or excuse it. My dad is precious to me. I looked at my mom and dad, apologized as I informed them we needed to go back to the ER. They were agreeable. I think he was relieved I recognized something was wrong.
Shortly after arrival at the satellite ER labs were drawn and ultrasound of his heart was done by ER doc. He said there appeared to be a large fluid collection around my dad’s heart. We were again admitted to ICU for a condition called Cardiac Tamponade. Early the next morning he had the fluid drained 600 ml from around his heart. The fluid build up which is inside the pericardial sac squeezes the heart. The heart can be stunned and go into failure. The fluid that was drawn off was sent for cytology. It was suspicious. It was likely metastatic disease.
In fact after annoying the cardiologist with repeated questions in the hallway, he motioned me over to his computer screen. He showed me the ECHO and pointed out the thickening of the pericardium and showed me a mass dangling from his ventricle. I didn’t need to wait for cytology. This was confirmation for me that we were very far into a disease process. My face flushed, my heart sank, and my stomach dropped as I comprehended the situation. I thanked the MD and my mom asked what he was showing me. I told her. I saw the color leave her face.
The thoracic surgeon was still hoping to remove the mass as the CT didn’t show it had invaded the great vessels, but he did want a Cardiac MRI which was on the back burner. We were still in ICU cause the Cardiac Tamponade and procedure to drain the fluid triggered a lot of Atrial Flutter and Atrial Fibrillation. We waited for the Cardiac MRI for 3 days. There is only one machine and his was repeated twice before they got quality images. The thoracic surgeon finally met with us and after consulting his partners, radiologist, and oncologist, it was decided surgery was just too risky and he wasn’t certain he could get clear margins. He stressed how he didn’t want to create more problems or delay my dad in getting treatment if there were complications. We very much appreciated the thoughtfulness of his answer. We really didn’t have a minute to spare. The surgeon decided to cut a window in my dad’s heart so the cancer did not build up more fluid and compress this vital organ again. The cancer cells would drain into his belly instead of filling the pericardial sack.
We were discharged home in a questionable state: weak. At first we were told he would stay until he was walking well, but the hospital was full and we were off-loaded unexpectedly. Home is a place with stairs. Stairs to to get in and stairs to get out and the most movement he had done in a week was walking 25 ft with a walker and that was exhausting for him. I was concerned about falls. How were me and my mom going to get 170 lb man up 5 steps safely? He was too weak. He hadn’t eaten, he had not slept in 10 days. We were behind the eight ball and chemo had not even started.
Chemo is rough. To survive chemo, one needs some level of fitness, meaning able to perform ADLs independently and move often. We were overwhelmed. The next week was labor intensive and emotionally draining. Here we were home and we were struggling. He still wasn’t eating, still not sleeping, and my radar was on constant alert. I spent my days observing and looking for subtle changes. Oh and there were changes that needed immediate attention as he flipped in and out of rapid atrial fibrillation and got urinary tract infection.
I was scared and my dad was terrified. In times when we were alone, he would ask me: “How did this happen?” He would shake his head as if disappointed in his body. Disbelief. He was unable to comprehend it and he too was terrified.
To be continued...
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basketcase789 · 7 years ago
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Mistaken IV
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“Caught in this game of unmet expectations I want to leave it all behind.” - Amanda Falk
Group: Seventeen Member: Woozi (feat. others) Genre: soulmate au, angst, fluff Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Your eyes flew open, and you needed to take a moment to orient yourself. It seemed you’d fallen asleep on the couch last night after the concert. You groggily moved your hand around in search of your phone and found it nestled beside you - when you glanced at the screen you were surprised to see it was only 5:30 in the morning.
The nightmares were getting worse. You’d just woken from a dream where Jihoon told you he never wanted to see you again, and it wasn’t entirely wrong; after the way he’d looked at you yesterday he’d all but said the words. It felt almost as real as your revelation dream had.
Knowing you wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, you grabbed your jacket and decided to go out for a walk. You decided to forego food, as you weren’t particularly hungry.
You wandered around, first walking throughout your neighbourhood and then heading downtown. You weren’t sure where your feet were taking you, but deep down you were hoping you’d somehow run into Jihoon out here in the streets. Although you didn’t know what you would say to him if you did. But the universe supposedly wanted you two together, right?
You continued walking for hours, eventually feeling lost and cold. The frigid weather definitely didn’t help, but you’d had a chill you couldn’t seem to shake ever since the concert last night.
If you were hungry, you didn’t notice.
If your legs hurt, you didn’t notice.
You were still hoping the universe would let you get another glimpse of Jihoon, if only to apologize to him, before he and the others left for their next concert. They’d said they would be leaving after today, and who knew the next time you’d get to see him.
But you never crossed paths. Realistically, when you thought about it, he was probably laying low inside their hotel until they had to leave. He obviously didn’t want to see you.
Still, you didn’t want to give up.
It started to snow lightly, and the sky darkened as the evening grew late. You walked until you couldn’t walk anymore. You didn’t even notice when you collapsed to the ground, and couldn’t get back up.
You awoke to the sound of steady beeping. You groaned - if you didn’t know any better you’d have thought you’d been run over by a dump truck. Your eyes were heavy, but after a couple tries you managed to open them.
“Good, you’re awake.”
It looked like you were in a small hospital room. The gentle voice came from the end of your bed, where a man in white robes stood reading over your chart. He had very soft facial features, and he looked young.
“I’m Dr. Choi,” he said. “But please, call me Ren.”
“You’re a doctor? But…”
“I look too young, right?” He smiled, and if it was possible he looked even more gentle and reassuring than he had a moment ago. “I get that a lot. It’s because I was in an accelerated program. Don’t worry though, I was top of my class, so you’re in good hands.”
“Why am I here?” you said, and tried to sit up.
“That’s what I’m here to find out. I was called here a few days ago because no one could seem to find out what was wrong with you.”
“Wait - a few days ago?” You brought a hand up to your forehead, noticing an IV attached to your arm for the first time. “Oh no, that means I’ve missed work.”
“Don’t worry, your co-worker was in and said she’s taking care of your shifts for you. Now, can you tell me the last thing you remember?”
You sighed. “Umm… I was walking around, and… thinking about my soulmate...”
“Oh, speaking of, we didn’t have your soulmate’s contact information on file. I’d recommend having them come by to see you, they must be very worried about you.”
“About that…” You frowned. If it had been a few days, that meant Seventeen had completed their last concert and were probably back in Seoul already. “It won’t be possible. He’s in South Korea right now.”
Ren’s voice softened in understanding. “Have you been experiencing any chest pain recently? How about chills?”
“Yes, both actually.”
“And when was the last time you ate before you lost consciousness?”
“Uhhh…”
Ren put your chart back in its spot at the end of your bed. “I think I know what’s wrong. Sometimes when we’re separated from our soulmates for too long our immune systems weaken. Besides feeling generally unwell, other symptoms can include chest pain, chills, mood swings, changes in appetite… sound familiar?”
“Oh… yeah, that sounds like me. What’s the remedy?”
“It’s easy. Once your soulmate returns your symptoms will go away. Until then make sure to eat healthy, get some exercise and plenty of rest. And when your soulmate gets back, skin-to-skin contact is the quickest way to eliminate symptoms.” You frowned again as he picked up your chart and scribbled something. “I’m going to keep you here one more night for additional testing, just to make sure it’s not something else. But you should be good to go home tomorrow.”
“Thank you,” you said, and he left you alone to rest. You didn’t have the courage to tell the doctor that your soulmate wouldn’t be coming back. Or that he didn’t even want you. Or that you’d been coughing up blood.
The weeks passed without much incident. The symptoms persisted, but hadn’t gotten any worse, it seemed. You’d been working hard, trying to keep yourself occupied from the hurt. But to be honest, you were exhausted.
You’d been avoiding any news about Seventeen. Your one relief, looking up cute or happy pictures of Jihoon, wasn’t an option anymore because you were only reminded of the last time you did, and you were afraid you’d be hospitalized again.
You were on your lunch break, scrolling mindlessly on your phone when a suggested video popped up in your notifications - of Seventeen. In the thumbnail Jihoon was smiling, and against your better judgement you clicked on it. It felt like ages since you’d last seen his face.
The video was a new interview with Seventeen which had you laughing within minutes. You’d missed watching silly care-free videos like this. They were just being themselves, and you felt lighthearted for the first time in a long time. Your friend even noticed your laughing and just shook her head.
“So, Jihoon… I hear your twenty-first birthday is soon. What are your thoughts about your upcoming revelation dream?”
He smiled and looked down shyly. The others laughed and poked fun at him. “I’m excited,” he finally replied.
You swallowed past a lump in your throat. You knew you should have stopped the video there, but he just looked so happy that you couldn’t look away.
“Do you think that you’ll be pleased with the outcome?”
He nodded with a bright smile. “Yes, I think I will be. Very pleased.”
The last thing you noticed before closing the video was Joshua in the corner of the screen looking unconvinced.
Jihoon had looked so happy. He was obviously looking forward to dreaming about the person he loved on the night of his approaching birthday. You were about to ruin his life.
You got up from the booth you were sitting in so you could get back to work. Your leg wobbled as you stood, and you had to sit back down as yet another one of your coughing fits suddenly overcame you. You were shaking uncontrollably and your body felt frozen by the time it passed. You looked down at your hand and discovered much more blood than usual.
You saw your friend rush over at the sound of your coughing. You were losing strength, and slid out of the booth and onto the floor. “I think I need… hospital…” you tried to say before everything went black.
“Ji-hoon! Ji-hoon!”
Jihoon’s members were chanting as he brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. He couldn’t stop smiling. It was finally the night he’d been waiting for ever since he was a little kid. Since the day he met that girl so many years ago, to be exact. He couldn’t wait to have a glimpse into her life - they hadn’t spoken in a long time, and he wondered what she’d been up to.
They had a rule at the dorm to be as quiet as possible on the night of someone’s twenty-first birthday. They didn’t want to accidentally wake the birthday boy and cut his revelation dream short. Although, it wouldn’t matter if they did in Jihoon’s case. He wouldn’t be needing any clues to find his soulmate, after all.
Jihoon climbed into bed early, and drifted off to sleep with a smile on his face.
Next thing he knew he was in a small room with white walls. He could even smell… antiseptics? He looked around and there were two other people in the room - sitting in a chair was a man who appeared to be a doctor, and beside him was someone in a hospital bed.
Jihoon’s jaw hung open. Laying in the bed was the girl from that one fanmeeting a few months ago. No, this was wrong, there had to be some kind of mistake. There had to be. He tried his hardest to look away from the scene laid out before him but his view was now fixed solely on you.
His heart sank as he resigned himself to his fate. You were his real soulmate.
You who had shown up to the fanmeeting, who he’d thought looked cute when he first peeked out from behind the stage curtain and saw you smiling innocently to yourself. You who tried to tell him the truth at the fanmeet only to be humiliated instead. You who had courageously showed up to his concert, only to be ignored by him.
He’d ignored a lot of things about you. The way your smile, when your eyes first met at the fansigning, somehow had made him glow inside. The way hearing his name on your lips made his heart flutter. The way you running away only to hurt yourself had given him a twinge of pain, too. And the way Jisoo saying he saw you leave the concert sick made him worried. He’d ignored all of it. How could he have been so blind?
He took a good look at you for the first time. You looked very different now - frail. Why were you in a hospital? You looked like you weren’t moving at all, were you okay?
Just then you opened your eyes, and he sighed with relief.
“I’d say welcome back, but I was hoping I wouldn’t have to see you here again.” The voice came from the doctor, just outside Jihoon’s view. “Your co-worker filled me in on everything. I guess there were a few things you didn’t mention about your soulmate.”
You frowned. “I’m sorry. I know I should have told you.”
“I understand, it’s not the easiest thing to bring up.”
Jihoon watched your conversation with his mouth gaping open. What on earth were you two talking about?
You started to cough and sat up. The doctor quickly handed you a small plastic basin, which you grabbed onto and continued coughing into. When you stopped and sat back, Jihoon was alarmed to see the bottom of the basin stained with blood.
“So what are my options, now?” you said. You sounded weak to Jihoon.
“I’ve diagnosed you with something called cordicitus morbus. Have you heard of it?”
You and Jihoon both shook your heads.
“Not many people have, since it’s so rare for someone to be rejected by their soulmate. It starts off with depression-like symptoms, but evolves into very physical symptoms as well. It’s your body’s natural reaction to not only not getting to be with your soulmate, but being rejected. Since your soulmate is basically the cure, your symptoms will continue to get worse and worse until you’re in a coma, and eventually…”
You gulped, not needing him to finish.
Jihoon felt as if the room had just dropped ten degrees. He’d done this to you?
“Fortunately…” the doctor continued in a gentle voice, “there’s an emergency procedure we can do to fix it.”
“What kind of procedure?”
“It’s an invasive surgery that will, in the simplest terms, kill your bond with your soulmate. It will be excruciating for you, but it will save your life. Afterwards, you won’t feel anymore pain from your soulmate’s rejection, and you can go on living your life. But, you won’t get to experience the same pleasures and joy from your soulmate ever again.”
“Does it have any negative effects on him? Would he then be able to pursue whoever he wants?”
Jihoon’s chest constricted. How could you possibly be thinking about him at a time like this?
“His side of your bond will remain intact, unless he also has the surgery. But he will have no side effects from your procedure. As your doctor... I have to recommend you have the surgery. If you do decide to, I suggest you contact your soulmate, although it’s not mandatory by any means. Maybe he’ll change his mind about things.”
You were tired of wishful thinking. “I doubt it. I don’t want to guilt-trip him into being with me or anything.” You sighed. “I’ll need to think about all of this for a bit.”
“Of course,” he said gently. “I have a brochure here for you to look over. It goes into more detail.” You reached out to take the paper. “Have some rest for now. If you decide on having the surgery we can schedule you in right away.”
“Thank you.”
Jihoon heard a door open and close and assumed the doctor left.
You sighed and lay back down in the bed, flipping through the brochure. He heard you sniffle and then choke back a sob. His heart broke as he heard you say, “I loved you.”
Jihoon’s eyes flew open to stare at the bunk bed above him. He rubbed at his damp cheeks and sniffled. He must have been crying in his sleep, and he found that he couldn’t seem to stop.
He couldn’t stop because the person he thought was his soulmate for his whole life was not. He couldn’t stop because he’d only caused pain to the person who really was.
“Jihoon?” The groggy voice belonged to Jisoo in the bunk above him. “What’s wrong?”
He had the feeling Jisoo already knew. Judging by how he’d told Jihoon after the fanmeet that you’d been glancing at him the same way Jisoo’s soulmate looks at him, Jisoo seemed to know all along. Although Jihoon hadn’t believed him.
What a fool he’d been.
He tried to keep his voice steady. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”
He had a lot to think about.
73 notes · View notes
sian22redux · 7 years ago
Text
My heart is a memory
Tumblr media
The triggers are a chain. Forged and honed and tempered with dark intent: to bind a soldier, hold a weapon, keep back another man.
How else can one remove them except by breaking links? 
-----------------------------------------------------------  
Characters; Bucky, Steve, Wanda, T’challa
Rating: T for reference to past torture and abuse
Tags:  Hurt/comfort,  defense mechanisms, split personality, enduring bonds, childhood memories 
Chapter 1:  A thaw...   tagging folks from previous fics so if you want on or off just message me!!  
--------------------------------------------
Behind us are memories, Beside us are friends, Before us are dreams
This was nothing like the times before.  
For the Soldier coming up from a freeze had always been a living nightmare. The first terrifying moments of disorientation. The growing snowstorm of returning thoughts. The what, where, how, and who-replayed in an endless loop of old jerky movietime, fast like the thudding of his heart.   The reel would wind and rewind, stop and stutter until the slow trickle of awareness seeped into parts of his brain that had not been wiped.  
Then would come the pain.  The burn and sting of sensation returning to frozen nerves. The bite of none too gently pulled ports and caths.  Lingering electric jerks and bursts of muscles contracted and not released and the ever present ache of a shoulder taxed forever by its load.  
After weeks (months? years? eons?) without sound the process was always insanely loud.  An ominous clanking and metallic whir played bass below the high pitched whine of pumps and servo motors.  The staccato of his teeth chattered in the blood fouled plastic of the guard.  Orders barked loud and short and sharp as the crack of any rifle.  
And underneath: softer and yet more sinister, slow footsteps and a hated litany of words.    
Добро пожаловать обратно , солдат.   Вы готовы начать? *
This time it was just a single word.
“Buck.”  
He opens his eyes.  
The microphone that lets him talk to the doctors and technicians filters in an almost excited quiet;  reverent, hovering; lingering below the steady hum of pumps as the fog of sublimation is whisked away.  
He blinks.  There are fingers splayed on the chamber glass. The room is dimmed to protect his eyes but he can still see quite plainly.  White walls and benches reflect a gentle glow--starlight from the soft jungle night and a bank of blinking monitors.  
And a smile of sunshine beams and puppy eagerness to break through the fog.  
Said I’d be here, say cobalt eyes to his anxious own and he wants to say he knows, he knows, but still it is hard to put aside a lifetime of experience.   Unthawing had never pleasant until now.  
The hatch slides down, sure hands undo the straps and he is carried, very gently, to a bed.  No one moves quickly.  No one speaks loudly. There are just quiet questions and murmurs of reassurance.  
As he is laid down, wonder of wonders, warmed blankets are draped across his shakiness and for a moment his brain is so confused.  This is not normal.  Must be some sort of ploy: ease and a simulacra of caring to break him down, to make him putty before the whip lash of correction, and he tenses. Starts to frantically push the soft bait away but then another odd thing occurs.  
A note.  Singing. The placid technician is singing a low, sweet, swaying tune in ancient words that he does not understand.  Her hands pull up the blanket back up and set it against his cheek and reluctantly he relaxes.  Wakanda.  I am in Wakanda.  He nuzzles in the warmth and kindness. You’re allowed this Bucky, he thinks, and it is a revelation.  
There is a sudden brief blip of concern as one warning chime sounds, and then another.  His pulse shoots for the moon (no..no..no chair, no clamps!) and then muscle memory he cannot help makes him hold his breath, setting a third and louder warning off.  A forest of frowns turn toward a holoscreen just above his head but vanish quickly.  His shaking fingers have thrown off the pulse-ox sensor and the system hilariously thinks he’s failing.   
“Apologies, Sergeant,” murmurs the white-clad, bespectacled nurse at his elbow smoothly laying a reassuring hand upon his arm and adjusting the little clip.  Apology? What for?  He set the warning off and now he wants to laugh, say it’s ok:  it is his body being difficult after all, but at first all he can manage is a garbled scratchy cough.  
“Wait just a moment.”  He does as ordered.  Floats, lets words and readings and fussing swirl around while an ice chip soothes his throat.  “Better?” He nods, still amazed there is no pain. The intravenous drips something that sets a scent of almond in his throat and blunts the static building in his limbs.    
Soon enough, blond and blue, a beacon amongst the white and dark, steps near.  
“Hey…”  
“Hey.”   His own voice is thin, but a recognizable facsimile and not hoarse from endless screaming before the freeze.  Steve has raised his massive palm and he, too, wants to clasp it: for the warmth and sense of anchoring, but his hand is busy with an iv port.  For a moment he forgets the left is gone and tries to engage a soft metal grasp.
It succeeds in only shifting his neck and shoulder up.  
What the..?  But a flash of red and gold and deep regret floods back and he closes his eyes,  lays back against white cotton.  It smells new and right: like the sun-warmed, breezy freshness of Ma’s laundry on the line.   “When is it?”  
“Nine.”   Steve answers, wrapping fingers ever so gently around his one index finger, then grinning wry and sassy.  “Night, but early enough.  Last call is hours away yet.”  
He doesn’t have the energy to swat.  Withering eyebrows will have to do.  “Not that.  What month is it?”  
“November.  Thanksgiving’s coming soon.”  
November.  Wakandan spring had just begun when they had landed.  The highlands had been wreathed in mist and the air at night still cool.
They have unthawed him….  early.  
A slow smile spreads across his now pinker cheeks..  
It must mean that Stevie has found a plan.  
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Translation:  Welcome back, soldier. Are you ready to start? 
Tags
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14 notes · View notes
darklarru · 7 years ago
Note
all of them. just fckin.. all of them. every single question. 1-100. good luck comrade.
fuck u, here it is:
1.      Is a kiss considered cheating?
-if theykiss a boy idm.
2.      Have you ever faked orgasm?
-yeahlmao
3.      If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
-shapeshifting
4.      Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?
-I fuckinhope so
5.      Tell us some funny drunk story.
-oh man,ive only been smashed once, and it was a night full of regrets and a lot ofcheating and gay stuff happened.
6.      Why are you no longer together with your ex?
-u knowwhat. fuck my ex, he was a manipulative cheating cunt and he broke up with meover snapchat.
7.      If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? 
-bathtuband sleeping pills, im out painlessly.
8.      What are your current goals?
-be asuccessful bitch and build myself up.
9.      Do you like someone?
-wheneverI think of feelings I take a shot so idk..
10.   Who was the last person to disappoint you?
-my ex.
11.   Do you like your body?
-eh imgetting there
12.   Can you keep a diet?
-no lmao
13.   If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?
-don’t discriminateagainst sex workers and treat them like actual people.
14.   Do you work?
-yep, gota retail job and everything.
15.   If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, whatwould it be?
-ayesalad, bc anything you cut up and put in a bowl is salad, so pizza salad, fruitsalad, ice cream salad, anything.
16.   Would you get a tattoo?
-hellyeah, im actually thinking about getting this floral one on my thigh, gottalike, tell my mum tho.
17.   Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?
-theperson I love,,
18.   Can you drive?
Ive onlyhad like, one driving test ever.
19.   When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?
-at therink on Friday? Someone said I was beautiful and that my ex didn’t deserve me:)
20.   What was the last thing you cried for?
-when I drinkI don’t cry, so ive been drinking a lot.
21.   Do you keep a journal?
-yep,serves as my receipts.
22.   Is life fun?
-ehhhhitll get there.
23.   Is farting in front of people irrelevant?
-I don’t reallycare, just warn me so I have time to get out of there.
24.   What’s your dream car?
-somethingI don’t have to use petrol for.
25.   Are grades in school important?
-justnail ur finals and ur good.
26.   Describe your crush.
-its tooearly homie
27.   What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?
-WONDERWOMAN HOLY SHIT A+
28.   What was your last lie?
-im fine
29.   Dumbest lie you ever told? 
-idk, I normallytell the truth, its such an effort to lie.
30.   Is crying in front of people embarrassing?
-no I doit all the time lmao
31.   Something you did and you are proud of?
-Teamedup with my Best Friend and Absolutely Called the shit out of my Ex out andfuckin roasted him.
32.   What’s your favourite cocktail?
-I haven’tdelved into cocktails too much yet, ive been drinking straight.
33.   Something you are good at?
-iceskating?? idk
34.   Do you like small kids?
-I hatekids so much
35.   How are you feeling right now?
-There
36.   What would you name your daughter/son?
-daughter:Lavender? Idk I just watched matilda and I was like what a pretty name, andboys: Christian?  
37.   What do you need to be happy?
-abillion dollars
38.   Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?
-my ex
39.   What was the last gift you received?
-does mycoworker buying everyone hot chocolates and frozen cokes during their shiftcount as a gift
40.   What was the last gift you gave?
-a fidgetcube?
41.   What was the last concert you went to?
-panic atthe disco in January :D
42.   Favourite place to shop at?
-ittotally was this gothic shop in Newtown, but then it moved and I don’t knowwhere it is anymore :/
43.   Who inspires you?
-myselfbitch
44.   How old were you when you first got drunk?
-18
45.   How old were you when you first got high?
-never
46.   When was your first kiss?
-when I was15? 16?
47.   Something you want to do until the end of this year?
-be amermaid, like fr, go follow mermaid_shelly on Instagram no joke.
48.   Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?
-dated myex
49.   Post a selfie.
-heres alink instead: http://darklarru.tumblr.com/post/161374174865/cat-cafe-aesthetic
50.   Who are you most comfortable around?
-my BestFriend
51.   Name one thing that terrifies you.
-to loseeverything I worked for
52.   What kind of books do you read?
-haventread a book in so long, but I like the fantasy genre
53.   What would you tell your 12 year old self?
-girl,girl, u gay as fuck
54.   What is your favourite flower?
-roses!!
55.   Any bad habits you have?
-speakingquietly
56.   What kind of people are you attracted to?
-peoplewho think the same as me
57.   What was the last thing you cried for?
-my ex :/
58.   Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?
-pickles,what r they doin, get outta here
59.   Are you in love?
-yeah imalways in love
60.   Something you find romantic?
-tealightcandles
61.   How long was your longest relationship? 
-like 3or 4 months
62.   What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?
-wereso,, bitchy.
63.   What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? 
-they don’tknow what the fuck is up, they don’t listen, they always horny, theyre kindaviolent, theyre more hardcore and aggressive physically.
64.   What are you saving money for?
-anothermermaid tail,,, but also a house I guess
65.   How would you describe your bad side?
-emotional,angry, violent, temperamental, not thinking,, idk
66.   Are you actually a good person? Why?
-sometimesI guess, I try not to be shitty, but some people fuckin deserve it.
67.   What are you living for?
-a future
68.   Have you ever done anything illegal?
-probably
69.   Do you like your body?
-yeahsometimes
70.   Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?
-notunless we were fighting
71.   Ever sent nudes?
-whohasnt
72.   Have you ever cheated on someone?
-I cheatedon a guy with girl and I was very drunk, but then we said same sex cheating wasokay
73.   Favourite candy?
-redfrogs, gummy bears
74.   Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!
-imbarely on this hell site
75.   Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?
-adarkroomwas one of my Faves
76.   Favourite TV series?
-w.i.t.c.h.what a Classic
77.   Are you religious? Does God exist?
-yeah, imchill w god.
78.   What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?
-I haven’tread a book in so long yall.
79.   What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?
-kudos tothem who r doin it but I really love chicken.
80.   How long have you been on Tumblr?
-sinceyear 9, so like, 2013
81.   Do you like Chineese food?
-I am Chinese
82.   McDonalds or Subway?
-subwayyyy
83.   Vodka or whiskey?
-fuuuuuuck,,,fucking love vodka but it makes my face screw up in a bad expression, and I lovefireball whiskey, but like, vodka gets me fucked up faster.
84.   Alcohol or drugs?
-alcohol,don’t do drugs kids
85.   Ever been out of your province/state/country?
-ya
86.   Meaning behind your blog name?
-I lovetypos
87.   What gets you up in the morning?
-spite.
88.   What are you scared of?
-a lot ofthings
89.   Last time you were insulted?
-wednesday
90.   Most traumatic experience ?
-my bf atthe time, was fuckin, chewin his toenails in his mouth, and I forgot bc he wasbein sweet n he stuck his tongue out to touch mine, n I stuck mine out too n I fuckni,,.,,,. touched the toenail w my mouth I nearly threw up, I felt my soul ejectfrom my body for a second.
91.   Perfect date idea?
-picnicdaate, and watching the stars and cuddling
92.   Favourite app on your phone?
-instagram?I check it the most.
93.   What colour are the walls in your room?
-white
94.   Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?
-daviddobrik tbh
95.   Share your favourite quote.
-ifsomeone tells you that they hurt you, you don’t get to decide that you didn’t.
96.   What is the meaning of life?
-when thestreets are empty and the moon is shining and nobody is awake and its chilly,but your alone and maybe the wind is blowing through the grass, or whatever.
97.   Do you like horror movies?
-fuck nah
98.   Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?
-I signedup for Netflix and didn’t tell her.
99.   Do you feel lucky or special in a way?
-I amspecial
100. Can you keep a secret?
-ya justmake sure u tell me its important.
0 notes
actutrends · 5 years ago
Text
EU countries gear up for post-Brexit trade battle
The EU’s Brexit unity is about to come under severe pressure.
Speaking from one script was Brussels’ greatest property in the first phase of Brexit.
U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson states he wishes to conclude the talks by the end of next year, without any extension of the transition duration. That’s very tight.
” It won’t be possible in this very [limited] timespan to do everything, however we will do everything that is possible,” EU Brexit mediator Michel Barnier informed the European Parliament in Strasbourg on Wednesday.
Simply as in stage one of the talks, Barnier is currently trying to utilize the ticking clock to his benefit, by framing the trade talks as an option in between various choices made needed by the lack of time to agree something more bespoke.
” At a specific point there are going to be trade-offs essential. We need to remain joined to get an offer within this timeframe, but it will not be easy”– EU diplomat
” Does the U.K. desire to distance itself, and to what extent, from our regulative model?” Barnier asked, adding that Britain would have to address that concern “in the next weeks.”
” That will figure out the level of our ambition,” he included.
However in reality, the ticking clock likewise presents brand-new difficulties for the EU side. The constricted timescale implies it needs to make quick and unpleasant options about what to consist of in the trade deal and what to leave out.
” At a specific point there are going to be compromises required,” said one EU diplomat. “We have to remain united to get a deal within this timeframe, however it will not be easy.”
EU chief Brexit arbitrator Michel Barnier talks to reporters in Brussels on October 28, 2019|John Thys/AFP by means of Getty Images
Restricted versus enthusiastic deal
On the EU side, the fight over what to focus on in the talks is set to start in early January The Commission will utilize input from each of the 27 national capitals to frame a draft mandate by February 1, the U.K.’s very first day outside the EU.
The talks are set to be concluded at the end of February so that settlements with the U.K. can begin in March– leaving simply 10 months to conclude trade talks and validate the contract before the end of next year. Commission President Ursula von der Leyen has actually called that schedule “very challenging.”
A senior German official stated that a “standard” trade agreement with the U.K. might still be reached: “We have currently shown that you can work out a lot in a short time if you set yourself clear objectives.”
” The more the negotiating partners are of the opinion that they must differ the standard in this specific case, for example due to the fact that the level playing field conditions are various or something needs to be included, the longer this takes,” he included.
But other German officials and legislators have actually considering that tried to downplay suggestions that Berlin was trying to find a less ambitious offer.
” There is a basic line that is absolutely essential: To maintain the stability of the internal market,” stated Markus Töns, a German MP and the Social Democratic Party’s spokesperson for European affairs. “I consider it essentially incorrect to endanger this by means of a restricted or scaled-down agreement.”
Countries with big fishing fleets fear that without the utilize of trade, the U.K. will not provide ground on access to its waters.
Töns argued that the U.K. could not simply gain broad market access to the EU, however would likewise have to commit to following EU rules along with social and environmental standards– with the considerable downside of no longer having a say on them.
Based Upon the Political Statement that is the plan for the U.K.’s future relationship after Brexit, numerous EU diplomats anticipate the Commission to prepare a comprehensive required that includes the desire lists of all countries.
On fisheries, for instance, the Political Statement stated that both sides should reach a contract by July but did not point out whether this need to be managed individually or as part of trade talks. Nations with huge fishing fleets such as Spain and Denmark are pushing for such a link. They fear that without the utilize of trade, the U.K. will not provide ground on access to its waters.
” It ought to belong of [the trade deal], and we are a number of nations who work for that. And likewise the signals we get from the Commission is that they see it like that as well,” Denmark’s Fisheries Minister Mogens Jensen informed POLITICO.
” This is going to be a fault line,” said another EU diplomat.
Rather, Eastern European nations like Poland and Romania wish to push for the addition of ambitious transport clauses.
Prime Minister Boris Johnson aboard the Opportunis IV fishing trawler on September 6, 2019 in Peterhead, Scotland|Duncan McGlynn/Getty Images
The Walloon issue
Promoting a detailed and enthusiastic offer, even if the U.K. plays ball, will make it even harder to complete on time. If the accord surpasses exclusive EU competences and touches on “blended” skills that Brussels shares with member countries, then ratification will likely take much longer.
Such mixed arrangements require not just the thumbs-up from EU federal governments and the European Parliament but also the approval of some 40 national and local parliaments throughout the EU. It’s a process that usually takes years and threats being held up, as was the case with the EU-Canada trade accord that was on the brink of failure in 2016 when the Belgian regional parliament of Wallonia threatened to veto it.
” It will depend a lot on how things are framed,” stated Lorand Bartels, a trade law professional at the University of Cambridge.
The very same would use to fisheries if the deal went beyond trade or conservation of fish and also discussed environmental elements connected to the EU’s common fisheries policy, he added.
” An enthusiastic arrangement will probably end up being a combined arrangement,” said Franziska Brantner, the Greens’ spokesperson for European affairs in the German parliament.
Isabelle Van Damme, a trade legal representative with Van Bael & Bellis, said that although a future EU-U.K. contract might touch on shared skills in between the EU and its member nations, that would not necessarily mean that EU nations would require to end up being party to that agreement and therefore demand ratification by national lawmakers.
” If they do not exercise the skills, the offer could pass as an EU-only agreement in order to make sure quick ratification and potentially avoid a cliff-edge at the end of 2020,” she stated. Van Damme stated that such a delivering of powers by member countries had actually never taken place before in the case of a trade deal, and that nations may not desire to produce a precedent for other future trade deals.
Some EU diplomats anticipate that the intra-EU conversations about the scope of the offer– and the effects this might bring for ratification– will be held off.
EU nations are now pressing the Commission to provide more clarity on the most likely form of the arrangement. While talking about the preparations of the required settlements on Tuesday, diplomats requested an extra meeting on the legal basis of the deal, according to a number of people in the room.
” Practically everybody around the table needed to know what the set-up is,” said an EU diplomat. “Kind needs to follow compound, however the framework matters to everybody. We asked the Commission to inform us on that aspect as well.”
Change strategy
Some EU diplomats anticipate that the intra-EU conversations about the scope of the deal– and the consequences this might bring for ratification– will be held off.
EU countries might consent to a thorough required in February and then return to the concern in June, when the EU and U.K. need to consider whether to extend the shift period beyond completion of 2020.
At that point, Brussels might attempt to put pressure on London to agree to such an extension, in spite of Johnson’s unwillingness, by revealing that it was unrealistic to work out and ratify an offer prior to year’s end. If that fails, the EU might then need to change method.
” In that scenario, it will be time to focus on,” said a diplomat. “Which topics have to be agreed on prior to the due date and which are less immediate? That conversation is going to be really difficult.”
Eddy Wax contributed reporting.
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x4f0wrcg-blog · 5 years ago
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Health insurance/medi-cal options for independent full time university students?
Health insurance/medi-cal options for independent full time university students?
Are there insurance options for independent university students? Prior to my 18th birthday I was part of a Kin-Gap program. I remember I received a letter saying I should go on ca.gov to see what benefits I can receive but I m having a hard time navigating through it.
BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :CARINSURANCEQUOTESHQ.XYZ
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nahoo883 · 6 years ago
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Transportation weekly: Nuro dreams of autonomous lattes, what is a metamaterial, Volvo takes the wheel
Welcome back to Transportation Weekly; I’m your host Kirsten Korosec, senior transportation reporter at TechCrunch. We love the reader feedback. Keep it coming.
Never heard of TechCrunch’s Transportation Weekly? Read the first edition here.  As I’ve written before, consider this a soft launch. Follow me on Twitter @kirstenkorosec to ensure you see it each week. An email subscription is coming!
This week, we’re shoving as much transportation news, tidbits and insights in here as possible in hopes that it will satiate you through the end of the month. That’s right, TechCrunch’s mobility team is on vacation next week.
You can expect to learn about metamaterials, how traffic is creating genetic peril, the rise of scooter docks in a dockless world, new details on autonomous delivery startup Nuro and a look back at the first self-driving car fatality.
ONM …
There are OEMs in the automotive world. And here, (wait for it) there are ONMs — original news manufacturers. (Cymbal clash!) This is where investigative reporting, enterprise pieces and analysis on transportation lives.
Mark Harris is here again with an insider look into autonomous vehicle delivery bot startup Nuro. The 3-year-old company recently announced that it raised $940 million in financing from the SoftBank Vision Fund.
Harris, during his typical gumshoeing, uncovers what Nuro might do with all that capital. It’s more than just “scaling up” and “hiring talent” — the go-to declarations from startups flush with venture funding. No, Nuro’s founders have some grand ideas from automated kitchens and autonomous latte delivery to smaller robots that can cross lawns or climb stairs to drop off packages. Nuro recently told the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration that it wants introduce up to 5,000 upgraded vehicles called the R2X, over the next two years.
The company’s origin story and how it’s tied to autonomous trucking startup Ike is just as notable as its “big ideas.”
Come for the autonomous lattes; stay for the story … How Nuro plans to spend Softbank’s money
Dig In
What do metamaterials and Volvo have in common? Absolutely nothing. Except they’re both worth higlighting this week.
First up, is an article by TechCrunch’s Devin Coldewey on a company called Lumotive that has backing from Bill Gates and Intellectual Ventures. The names Bill Gates and Intellectual Ventures aren’t the most interesting components of the story. Nope, it’s metamaterials.
Let us explain. Most autonomous vehicles, robots and drones use lidar (or light detection and ranging radar) to sense their surroundings. Lidar basically works by bouncing light off the environment and measuring how and when it returns; in short, lidar helps create a 3D map of the world. (Here’s a complete primer on WTF is Lidar).
However, there are limitations to lidar sensors, which rely on mechanical platforms to move the laser emitter or mirror. That’s where metamaterials come in. In simple terms, metamaterials are specially engineered surfaces that have embedded microscopic structures and work as a single device. Metamaterials remove the mechanical piece of the problem, and allow lidar to scan when and where it wants within its field of view.
Metamaterials delivers the whole package: they’re durable and compact, solve problems with existing lidar systems, and are not prohibitively expensive.
If they’re so great why isn’t everyone using them? For one, it’s a new and emerging technology. Lumotive’s product is just a prototype. And Intellectual Ventures (IV) holds the patents for known techniques, Coldewey recently explained to me. IV is granting Lumotive an exclusive license to the tech — something it has done with other metamaterial-based startups it has spun out.
Shifting gears to Volvo
Automakers are rolling out increasingly robust advanced driver assistance systems in production cars. These new levels of automation are creating a conflict of sorts. One on hand, features like adaptive cruise control and lane steering can make commutes less stressful and arguably safer. And yet, they can also cause overconfidence in the system and complacency among drivers. (Even Tesla CEO Elon Musk has noted that complacency is a problem among owners using its advanced ADAS feature called Autopilot). (And yes, I wrote advanced ADAS; it sounds repetitive, but it’s meant to express higher levels of automation and a term I recently encountered from two respected sources)
Some argue that automakers shouldn’t deploy these kinds of automated features unless vehicles are equipped with driver-monitoring systems (DMS are essentially an in-car camera and accompanying software) that can ensure drivers are paying attention. Volvo is taking that a step further.
Driver Monitoring Camera in a Volvo research vehicle
The company announced this week that it will integrate DMS into its next-gen, SPA2-based vehicles beginning in the early 2020s and more importantly, enable its system to take action if the driver is distracted or intoxicated. The camera and other sensors will monitor the driver and will intervene if a clearly intoxicated or distracted driver does not respond to warning signals and is risking an accident involving serious injury or death. Under this scenario, Volvo could limit the car’s speed, call the Volvo on Call service on behalf of the driver or cause the vehicle to slow down and park itself on the roadside.
Volvo’s plans raise all kinds of questions, including privacy concerns and liability. The intent is to add a layer of safety. But it also adds complexity, which could compromise Volvo’s mission. The Autonocast, a podcast I co-host with Alex Roy and Ed Niedermeyer, talk about Volvo’s plans in our latest episode. Check it out.
A little bird …
We hear a lot. But we’re not selfish. Let’s share.
Remember two weeks ago when we dug into Waymo’s laser bears and wondered whether we had reached “peak” LiDAR? (Last year, there were 28 VC deals in LiDAR technology valued at $650 million. The number of deals was slightly lower than in 2017, but the values jumped by nearly 34 percent.)
It doesn’t look like we have. We’re hearing about several funding deals in the works or recently closed, a revelation that shows investors still see opportunity in startups trying to bring the next generation of light ranging and detection sensors to market.
Spotted …. Former Zoox CEO and co-founder Tim Kentley Klay was spotted at the Self-Racing Car event at Thunderhill Raceway near Willows, Calif., this weekend.
Got a tip or overheard something in the world of transportation? Email me or send a direct message to @kirstenkorosec.
Deal of the week
Lyft set the terms for its highly-anticipated initial public offering and announced it will kick off the roadshow for its IPO. That means the initial public offering will likely occur in the next two weeks. Here’s the S-1 that Lyft filed in early March. This latest announcement also revealed new details, including that its ticker symbol will be  “LYFT” — as one might expect — and that the IPO range is set for between $62 and $68 per share to sell 30,770,000 shares of Class A common stock. Lyft could raise up to $2.1 billion at the higher end of that range, or $1.9 billion at the lower end.
The Lyft news was big — and it’s a story we’ll be following for awhile. However, we wanted to highlight another one of Ingrid Lunden’s articles because it underscores a point I’ve been pushing for awhile: not every important move in the world of autonomous vehicles occurs in the big three of Detroit, Pittsburgh and Silicon Valley.
This week, Yandex, the Russian search giant that has been working on self-driving car technology, inked a partnership with Hyundai to develop software and hardware for autonomous car systems. This is Yandex’s first partnership with an OEM. But it’s not Hyundai’s first collaboration with an autonomous vehicle startup. (Hyundai has a partnership with Aurora too)
Yandex will work with Hyundai Mobis, the car giant’s OEM parts and service division, “to create a self-driving platform that can be used by any car manufacturer or taxi fleet” that will cover both a prototype as well as parts for other car-makers.
Other deals:
Indonesia’s Kargo comes out of stealth with $7.6 million from Travis Kalanick, Sequoia and others
Ford to invest $850 million to add more production capacity for EVs
Toyota is deepening its relationship with Nvidia
GM is investing $300 million to build its next EV in Michigan
Snapshot
One year ago, I parked on a small rise overlooking Mill Avenue in Tempe, Arizona. The mostly dirt knoll, dotted with some trees and a handful of structures known out here as ramadas, was hardly remarkable. Just one other car sat in the disintegrating asphalt parking lot, the result of so many sun-baked days. A group of homeless people had set up at the picnic tables under a few of the structures, their dogs lolling nearby.
And yet, it was here, or specifically on the gleaming road below, that something extraordinary had indeed happened. Just days before, Elaine Herzberg was crossing Mill Avenue south of Curry Road when an Uber self-driving vehicle struck and killed her. The vehicle was in autonomous mode at the time of the collision, with a human test driver behind the wheel.
I had been in the Phoenix area, a hub for testing autonomous vehicle technology, to moderate a panel on that very subject. But the panel had been hastily canceled by organizers worried about the optics of such a discussion. And so I picked up Starsky Robotics CEO Stefan Seltz Axmacher who was also in town for this now-canceled panel, and we drove to site where Herzberg had died.
I wrote at the time, that “March 18 changed everything—and nothing—in the frenzied and nascent world of autonomous vehicles.” One year later, those words are still correct. The incident dumped a bucket of ice water over the figurative heads of autonomous vehicle developers. Everyone it seemed, had sobered up. Testing was paused, dozens of companies assessed their own safety protocols. Earnest blogs were written. Lawsuits were filed.
And yet, the cogs on the AV machine haven’t stopped turning. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Innovation can sometimes “make the world a better place.” But it’s rarely delivered in a neat little package, no strings attached.
I’m hardly the first to reflect or write about this one-year anniversary. There are many takes, some of them hot, others not so much. And there are a few insightful ones; Autonocast co-host Niedermeyer has one entitled 10 Lessons from Uber’s Fatal Self-Driving Car Crash that’s worth reading.
Right now, I’m more interested in those lessons that haven’t been learned yet. It’s partly what prompted us to launch this newsletter, a weekly post that aims to be more than a historical record or a medium to evangelize AV technology.
Tiny but mighty micromobility
It’s been said before, but we’ll say it again. Data is queen. This past week, mobility management startup Passport partnered with Charlotte, N.C., Detroit, Mich. and Omaha, Neb. and Lime to create a framework to apply parking principles, data analysis and more to the plethora of shared micromobility services.
And, in case you missed it, Bird had to let some people go late last week. We’ve learned a few more details since the news broke. That came out to about 40 people out of the ~900-person company. The layoffs were part of Bird’s annual performance review process and only affected U.S.-based employees, TechCrunch learned. Those laid off are eligible for severance, including health and medical benefits. Despite the layoffs, Bird is actively looking to hire for more than 100 positions throughout the company.
Meanwhile, Ford-owned Spin partnered with mobility startup Zagster to deploy scooters in 100+ new cities and campuses by the end of this year.
— Megan Rose Dickey
Notable reads
Traffic affects more than people. Take a look at the map pictured above. See the red line? That’s Interstate 15 in southern California. To the east, are inland communities and eventually the San Bernardino National Forest and San Jacinto Mountains.
To the west, are the Santa Ana Mountains and an increasingly isolated family of 20 cougars, the Los Angeles Times reports this week. The 15 and the heavy traffic on it is putting pressure on the gene pool. In the past 15 years, at least seven cougars have crossed the 15. Just one sired 11 kittens. This lack of genetic diversity — the lower documented for the species outside of the endangered Florida panther — could have devastating effects on mountain lions here. A study published in the journal Ecological Applications predicts extinction probabilities of 16 percent to 28 percent over the next 50 years for these lions.
In this specific case, the last natural wildlife corridor in the area — and perhaps the difference between survival and extinction —  is little Temecula Creek.
This phenomenon is happening in other areas as well, causing communities to toy with possible solutions. One option: shuttling the lions over the other side, a move that could cause all sorts of problems. In other places, such as an area near the Santa Monica Mountains, a wildlife overpass has been proposed.
Transit pain points
Meanwhile, digital and mobile ticketing and payment company CellPoint Mobile released a report this week that examines the rising cost of acquiring new riders, mobile technology limitations and outdated procurement processes. The titillatingly named report — Challenges Facing Municipal, Regional and National Transit Agencies in the United States — surveyed 103 ground and mass transit operators in the United States.
Some takeaways and key findings:
30 percent of mass transit providers collect fares through a mobile app; only 39 percent have an app at all
26 percent of transit operators say costs are their biggest challenges. Among metro mass transit agencies, that concern jumps to 40 percent
Nearly a quarter (23 percent) of national operators and 24 percent of large transit agencies (1,000  to 10,000 employees) say that implementing mobile technology is their single biggest challenge.
Customer acquisition is the second-most common challenge in US transportation, cited by 23 percent national, 33 percent regional, and 17 percent of private operators.
Other items of note:
The Information’s Amir Efrati has yet another piece on Alphabet’s self-driving car business Waymo. This time Efrati analyzed confidential Waymo customer feedback on 2,500 rides this quarter. The upshot: autonomous ride-hailing services face considerable headwinds in their attempt to replicate Uber and Lyft.
The New York Times magazine takes a trip across the U.S. in an Amtrak
Google released a report on how design can improve trust in autonomous vehicles
Testing and deployments
Dockless scooters have been all the rage; now it seems that cities and scooters startups are considering whether free-floating micromobility might need to be reined in a skosh.
Lyft, which has scooters in 13 cities, recently experimented with parking racks. These parking racks or docks are designed specifically for scooters. The company set up these docking stations in Austin during SXSW and released a handy Guide to Good Scootiquette to encourage better and safer rider behavior.
Meanwhile, an industry around scooter management is emerging. Swiftmile, a startup that developed light electric vehicle charging systems for bike share, has new solar-powered charging platforms for scooters. TechCrunch met Swiftmile CEO Colin Roche in Austin earlier this month and learned that a number of cities are interested in deploying these systems. Swiftmile’s system not only charges the scooters, it also can provide scooter companies with diagnostics and keep the device locked in the dock if it’s malfunctioning. The docks can be programmed to lock the scooters up during certain hours — bar closing time would seem like an optimal time — to keep them from being misused. Systems like these could help scooter companies like Bird and Lime extend the life of their scooters and keep local officials happy.
Autonomous street sweepers
ENWAY and Nanyang Technological University are deploying autonomous street sweepers in the inner city of Singapore as part of a project with National Environmental Agency Singapore. The project began this month and will run into September 2020.
Under the pilot, ENWAY’s autonomous sweeper will clean an area of more than 12 kilometers of roads every day. The sweeper is equipped with numerous sensors, including 2D and 3D lidars, 3D cameras, GNSS. The base vehicle is a retrofitted all-electric compact road sweeper from Swiss manufacturer Bucher Municipal.
The company aims to commercialize autonomous cleaning on public ground in Singapore and abroad.
A demo of the sweeper is in the video below.
youtube
Silvercar scales up
On the other end of the transportation spectrum, Silvercar by Audi has rolled out a delivery and pick up service in downtown locations in New York and San Francisco. Silvercar customers can request their rental be dropped off and picked up at home or a location of their choosing for an additional fee. Silvercar also announced plans to bring its premium rental experience to Boston at Logan International Airport on April 15.
If you’ve never heard of Silvercar, you’re forgiven. It’s not exactly widespread. The company aims to remove the headache of traditional car rental. I recently tried it out in Austin during SXSW and found that it is convenient, and works pretty well, but doesn’t remove some of the annoying pinch points of car rentals. Yes, there are no lines. When I got off the plane in Austin, I received a message that my car was ready and to hail my driver who picked me up curbside, drove me to the Silvercar operation, and brought me to my Audi. I used the app to unlock the vehicle.
That’s cool. What would be even better is skipping all those steps and being able to access the vehicle right there in the airport without interacting with anyone. (Granted, not everyone wants that) This new delivery and pickup service in New York and San Francisco gets closer to that sweet spot.
Other stuff:
Optimus Ride brings self-driving cars to private communities
On our radar
New York Auto Show is coming up and I’ll be in the city right before the show. But then it’s back to the west coast for TC Sessions: Robotics + AI, a one-day event held April 18 at UC Berkeley. I’ll be interviewing Anthony Levandowski on stage and moderating a panel with Aurora co-founder Sterling Anderson and Uber ATG Toronto chief Raquel Urtasun to talk about building the self-driving stack and how AI is used to help vehicles understand and predict what’s happening in the world around them and make the right decisions.
Also, the PAVE Coalition is hosting its first public demonstration event April 5-7 at the Cobo Center in downtown Detroit. The public will have an opportunity to ride in a self-driving car, and interactive displays will help visitors understand the technology behind self-driving cars and their potential benefits.
Finally, one electric vehicle thing we’ve been following. Columbus, Ohio won the U.S. Department of Transportation’s first-ever Smart City Challenge and we’ve been tracking the city’s progress and its efforts to increase electric vehicle adoption.
One of the organizers told TechCrunch that since the beginning of 2017, the cumulative new EV registrations in the Columbus metropolitan area have increased by 121 percent. New EV registrations over this period outpaced the 82 percent expansion in the Midwest region and the 94 percent growth seen across the U.S. over the same time period.
Thanks for reading. There might be content you like or something you hate. Feel free to reach out to me at [email protected] to share those thoughts, opinions or tips. 
Nos vemos en dos semanas.
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