#i mean it still does. i'm not sure i'd be able to tackle something like this quite yet but. yknow. one day i'll dip my toes

[astramachina]

every time my brain goes "wouldn't it be cool if there was a story--" i have to pull out a spray bottle filled with bleach because no it would not be cool to add yet another egg to the idea basket. there is no space. i cannot cook the eggs fast enough. stop it. there's a hole in the wicker i can no longer fix.

[utilitycaster]

@rowzeoli replied to your post “@rowzeoli replied to your post “Do you think part...”:

There's a lot to tackle on this so I'll do my best to cover it all! So I totally get where you're coming from and to be fair yes there are some things in old articles that I don't agree with any more in deeming people having done things "first" which is part of the issue of not having a collective historical memory around actual play as it moves so quickly. Most of the issue isn't that readership is down it's that AI and venture capitalism is destroying journalism

​

Hey, sorry for taking a bit to respond; it's been a hectic week and I wanted to give it some thought and time.

I'll start off with the good: I really do, again, appreciate you engaging here, and on the strength of that alone I am going to at least give Rascal's free articles a good solid chance for a while; I have been, admittedly, tarring it with the brush of a lot of frustrations (see below) and I know it's relatively new and still finding its place and should get a bit more of my patience. I also should note that while your article did hit on a lot of the patterns that have turned me - and no small amount of others - off of a lot of AP/TTRPG journalism it is by no means the worst example. The things you credited Burrow's End for are, admittedly, more obscure single-episode events within a huge body of work. Or in other words: there are bylines in the space that make me go "oh this is going to be bad" and yours is not one of them.

With that said: I'm sorry, but Polygon's bias is not a matter of time crunch or lack of funding. There is no way that a time crunch or lack of funding would consistently, over years (this was already word on the street at latest when EXU Calamity came out almost 2 years ago) result in a message of "D20 can do no wrong, and Critical Role rarely does right." If it were throwing out harsh criticism or glowing praise for a wide variety of shows, sure, that seems like it could come from not having a lot of time...but this goes beyond coincidence. It's a reputation that long precedes your entry into the field. As some others in the replies have noted, I might have written the most about it on Tumblr, but it's at this point not an uncommon observation. This also isn't an issue for other publications in a similar "nerd stuff" space - there's plenty of articles on, say, Dicebreaker or Comicbook.com that I don't care for, either because I disagree with the opinion or I think the analysis isn't really worthwhile, but those tend to at least have a mix of positive and critical articles about most shows. When I said you could treat Polygon articles like Madlibs, I meant it. And so I think it's great that you are no longer chasing "groundbreaking", for example, is not a solid ground for an article, but this also is showing me that even relatively new journalists are, very early on, starting with this exact formula. In some ways, that's more damning.

I do also want to add that I'm again, sympathetic to the lack of resources and to coming into a field with passionate and nitpicky fans who have been here for years. Not knowing about a single Critical Role one-shot from 2018 is something that I'd have been much more lenient about if it weren't hitting those repetitive notes of "D20 is great/this thing is groundbreaking/look at the production values." But the other article I posted, also from Polygon but not written by you, is, to be honest, pretty inexcusable. I get there's a lot of lost institutional memory...but either being unaware of, or ignoring the fact that there are a huge number of long-running actual play podcasts that play longform campaigns? That's pretty much on par, in terms of whether your audience trusts you, of the New York Times international news desk not being able to locate Russia on a map (though obviously with far less serious real-world ramifications). (The fact that this was written by a prominent actual play scholar meanwhile is like, I don't know, Neil DeGrasse Tyson not knowing how gravity works, but that's a separate topic).

And again, I get these are your colleagues. I have the luxury of being able to run my mouth without putting my livelihood at stake, and that's not true for people within the industry. I do not expect you to say anything ill about them, nor would I judge any specific individual for getting published in Polygon since I get that people are pitching to a number of sites so that they can get paid! But when I say "Polygon's AP/TTRPG coverage is at needs-a-change-of-leadership levels of bad" I am not alone in this, and it's something that has probably been true for easily 3+ years if not longer. Because it's one of the more prominent publications in the space (ironically, due to Justin McElroy of TAZ being a founder, and the fact that its videogame division is quite good and has had some viral videos, it had enviable name recognition among AP fans that it's only squandered since) it really is at a point where hitting that same formula in any AP journalism - claiming everything is groundbreaking, putting an emphasis on high production values, D20 good and CR bad - makes fans go "oh, more of this bullshit." I don't want to say you can't talk about these things - I definitely do not want to say that you cannot criticize Critical Role - but that specific well is has been poisoned for a long time. If someone hits these points it feels, whether or not it is true, that they're trying to be provocative by going against popular fan opinion, but are simultaneously just saying the same thing we've seen a million times before.

I believe wholeheartedly that from your perspective the competition is AI - and I don't want AI articles either. On the other hand, in terms of what I think fans who are in my position are turning to, it's not AI articles (I'm certainly not). If I want analysis, I'm probably, at this point, going to social media; I am not the only person who writes longform meta or analysis for fun, and I'll seek others who do out. I'm not personally a video essay person, but plenty are, and that's out there too. I'm not going there for reporting on news (I think the Dnd Shorts OGL debacle made it clear that actual journalists are very necessary) but yeah, if I want criticism or analysis? I'm going there instead, especially since there often is that missing institutional memory. If I do want journalism, at this point, some of the bigger shows are getting writeups in less niche publications, particularly Critical Role and D20, as is news of more major tabletop games. It's infrequent and it doesn't highlight indie works, but it tends to be, if nothing else, lacking in major errors or obvious bias. If I want to hear from cast members, at least four of the shows I watch or listen to have regular talkback shows, and Dropout regularly talks to AP/TTRPG figures on Adventuring Academy, and a lot of those shows take viewer questions. Which, again, probably not heartening to hear the competition is even tighter, but I guess my point is I hope it's possible, even with very limited resources, to move away from the above "novelty and production values above all" pattern because even that would do a lot of needed work to rebuild reader trust - and I'm going to be checking out Rascal in the hopes that it can.

[paperstorm]

Would you ever consider including your demisexual Carlos hc in a fic? I understand if you don't want to explicitly mention it in missing moments as it's not technically canon, but I love your take on it and I'd love to read more about it. I'd be especially intrigued to see a conversation between TK and Carlos that touched on it. No pressure though, reading your meta about it is also awesome!

Yes! I absolutely should. It doesn't really fit into missing moments, you're right, but I should write him figuring that out about himself. This popped into my head reading this -

TK notices him hovering. He looks up from the protein shake he's mixing, giving Carlos a smile. "Hey."

"Hey," Carlos returns. Nerves flip in his stomach.

"What's up?"

Carlos's lips part, but then his anxiety gets the better of him and he closes his mouth again. He changes his mind, he can't do this. He pastes a smile onto his face. "Nothing. You want lunch in a bit?"

TK frowns at him. Of course he knows Carlos too well, of course Carlos isn't able to fool him. "What's going on?"

Carlos shakes his head. He steps further into the kitchen, leaning in and pecking a kiss to TK's cheek. He opens the refrigerator and grabs a bottle of water. "Nothing's going on."

"Hey." TK reaches for him, holds onto his elbow and doesn't let Carlos run away from him. His forehead is wrinkled in a frown.

Carlos swallows over a lump in his throat.

TK takes the water from his hand and sets it on the counter. Gently he backs Carlos up, caging him into the corner and brushing knuckles along his cheek. Even though they were already alone in the loft, being tucked away like this makes everything feel safer, like Carlos bets TK knew it would. His husband knows him. Sometimes that still feels so big that it scares him a little, but that hasn't stopped it from being true.

"You're gonna think I'm weird," Carlos mumbles, his cheeks burning. He averts his gaze, focusing on a spot near TK's collarbone instead of looking into his clear, bright eyes.

"I love you," TK says simply. "Tell me what's wrong, baby."

He doesn't make Carlos look at him. He just stays in his space, steps in an inch closer when Carlos circles arms around his waist. He's warm, and he's always been Carlos's safest place to hide, when the world seems like too much to tackle all on his own. His favorite person, the only one Carlos wants to let see into the parts of himself where he's soft and anxious and not as strong as he wants everyone else to believe. Everyone except for TK.

"Do you ..." he bites his lip, the words still difficult to say even though his heart knows TK isn't going to laugh at him. "Um. Experience sexual attraction? Like, to other men?"

TK's quiet for a moment. Carlos dares to look up at him, and his frown has deepened. "I'm not ... Carlos, I would never, ever cheat on you."

"No," Carlos says quickly, shaking his head insistently. "No, that's not what I mean, I'm not accusing you of something."

"Oh."

"I just ..." Carlos sighs dramatically. TK leans in closer and rests his forehead against Carlos's cheek, understanding that this is hard for him. Carlos is so heart-warmed by the gesture that it gives him the courage to say, "I've been reading about demisexuality. It's this thing where ..."

"I know what it means," TK says softly, and thank God he does because Carlos isn't sure he would have done justice to an explanation anyway.

"I think ... maybe I am. That. I didn't think I was anything other than gay but then I was reading and some stuff started to make sense."

He swallows and waits, the anxious voices in his mind traitorously telling him to brace for TK to make fun of him, but TK doesn't. He lifts his head, mouth curving into a smile before he presses it to Carlos's in a tender kiss. He lets their foreheads rest together when their lips fall away and in a soft voice, says, "Tell me everything."

[hyolks]

ALso i just said id died for ur wastelands au but I ALSO HAVE QUESTIONS! mainly abt Al. actually all abt al lol

so u explained that it was a blood problem n they had to cut off most of the infected parts (WHICH SOUNDS SO PAINFUL I FEEL TERRIBLE FOR HIM I WISH I COULD GIVE HIM A KITH) so how does his internal organ system work? does he still have his organs? if so, how do the digestive and excretory systems work? (HOW DOES MY BOY USE THE BATHROOM??) does he feel phantom pain? can he bathe or function as a normal being? what can or cannot he do?

honestly just go into more detail if you can bcuz this is brilliant so keep up the good work and i love yu al is so so handsome even w machinery being 85% of him i luv yu (not all questions must be answered. no pressure at all. u don't even have to reply if u don't want to. jus answer what u can!! : 3)

O7 i will try my best !! to be coherent !!!!!!! im word dumping. i love thinkin about this al.

LOTS OF BODY/ORGAN TALK !!!!!!

EHHHH so. one of my ideas was that al lost 100% of his arm and legs but a good portion of his torso was still...... there? i guess? and that the automail torso functions more as a shell to both to help operate the limbs and protect everything that was left. I thought of it like this so that he he could retain all of his organs. but also this leads to the imagery that Al is literally a nugget once you remove the automail parts (EXPLODES MYSELF) so i have ignored it bc i didn't like that !!

The main reason i thought of it like that was because it's never mentioned in the manga/anime whether or not theres automail organs and I'd imagine there isn't such a thing, so i wasn't sure whether or not to make the jump myself and give al automail lungs/intestines/stomach/etc. because that makes automail HELLUVA lot more crazy. the absolute magnitude of shit that winry and pinako would have to be able to do to keep al ALIVE would be fucking insane??

Idk if i mentioned it somewhere but i also thought of al particularly losing more and more of his body over time. Like. maybe the legs/arm were gone from the word go, but it would slowly keep leaching further and further up his torso or even down his neck to his chest since they either couldn't cut it all out. hence them being able to keep progressively working on Al's torso and creating/replacing the organs as he both grows older and decays. i primarily went with this because if Al lost all of that body mass right from the initial accident, he literally would not be able to survive. they would not be able to make automail organs fast enough.

it's something i need to do more research on bc currently I'm just word dumping onto this ask and am not looking at anything but! what IS the limit of organs someone can have as mechanical replacements? like there's artificial lungs and hearts in modern medical practice, but would having both put too much stress on the brain?? what is the neurological impact of that??? the amount of shit that al would need replaced would be insane. how the fuck would the brain comprehend that.

i didn't even think about it until just now tbh but i wanna know any opinions on if Al should have a bionic eye...? this would of course mean more facial automail which i'm nooot against? idk........

he very much feels phantom pain!!!!! he is in pain 95% of the time!! i think i mentioned the idea of al having to take sooome kind of pain-reliever to even be able to deal with day-to-day life, but with that train of thought i was worried i would toe into addiction issues coming up (bc. i mean. either he's in cataclysmic pain or he's not. i wouldn't blame him for not wanting to feel like a giant fucking bleeding wound) and i wasn't sure if that is a subject i want to tackle/am confident i could tackle and do justice with.

anyways. yea! i never thought about whether or not he had to use the bathroom honestly lol. i knew that i wanted him to still not be able to eat. which BLOWS he gets to be human (????? are u still human if you're 85% metal??????) but my guy can't have fucking pie??? such bullshit. i'll haveta think about how he gets energy though bc of the lack of food intake. (lol what if hes solar powered . KIDDING)

he bathes! he frequently has to oil the automail. he hilariously still has to brush his teeth. he still sweats on the skin he has left (WATER CONSUMPTION..... adds this to my to do list). being in the heat fucking sucks because that shit's just metal on skin babey ! so he's in more pain. thumbs up. can this guy get a fucking break

[noblest-roman-of-them-all]

"Oh, That's Not Good"

Takes place very earlier on in the Hallmark Zombie AU and is the first actual zombie scare the group has.

"That can't be good," Roman commented as he stared blankly at his bleeding forearm.

Remus tackled him immediately. He pinned Roman down, pressing hard into the inside of his upper arm. "Get me a tourniquet!" He snapped at no one in particular.

Logan was there in an instant.

Roman cried out as Logan twisted the windless causing the band around his arm to tighten.

Logan half murmured an apology, and glanced over at Janus who was cleaning the wound. "Well?" He prompted.

"It looks like it got him with its claws," he answered. "Or nails, I guess."

"Does it burn?" Logan turned back to Roman who was trying to avoid looking at his arm.

"I don't know," he whined to hide his rising panic. "It feels like my arm was clawed open!"

Logan sighed and nodded. "Okay. Let's get it covered and get him back to the lab."

---

Roman whined and tightly squeezed his twin's hand as Logan flushed out the four long and jagged cuts that ran down his forearm.

"It's definitely scratch marks," Logan confirmed. "I'm not seeing any signs of necrosis, but I'm going to swab and test for foreign DNA or the virus, just to be safe."

"What happens then?"

Logan refused to look up at Roman. "Hopefully nothing. We were able to provide field care pretty quickly once we saw the wound-"

"But what if you find something?"

Logan swallowed. "We may have to amputate to prevent spread of the infection."

Roman's breath picked up with the panic rising in his chest.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Remus scolded and crouched beside Roman. "Deep breaths or you're gonna pass out. Alright? Hey, look at me. We don't know anything for sure yet, so calm your tits, got it?"

"Yeah," Roman nodded, and tried to slow his breathing. "Yeah, calm my tits, got it."

Remus snickered and playfully patted his cheek. "Yeah, you got it." He turned back to Logan. "Any idea of when we'll know?"

Logan capped the swab. "Hopefully not long. I'm going to run these through as quickly as I can so we can get that tourniquet off. In the meantime, get that stitched and bandaged up."

"Yeah, I'll take care of him." Remus tousled his brother's hair. "You want me to get Emile in here to sit with you?" He offered.

Roman just sat, staring blankly at the floor.

"Ro."

His head snapped to his twin's voice. "Do you want Emile to come sit with you?"

Roman shook his head. "I-I don't wanna worry him."

Remus nodded. "Alright. Just keep still so I can get you stitched up, okay?"

---

"Remus?"

"Yeah?" Remus didn't lift his head, instead staying focused on Roman's arm as he finished suturing shut the first claw mark.

"When- when does the tourniquet become an issue?"

"What do you mean?"

"If it's on too long. What happens then?"

"You're worried about having to amputate either way," Remus realized.

Roman nodded. "Yeah."

"Look, Ro, I'm not gonna lie,..." he trailed off and sighed before shrugging. "I don't think you're gonna have to worry about that. Nerve damage, maybe. It might affect how these gashes heal, but I don't think you're gonna have to worry about amputation. It takes a lot longer for that to become an issue than you'd think. You're definitely gonna have some wicked scars though, that I can guarantee."

Roman let out a breath and nodded. "Thanks. Could just said that though," he pouted. "Didn't have to do the whole dramatic 'not gonna lie thing'."

Remus snickered. "I kinda did though. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity."

"I'd punch you if you didn't have a needle in my arm."

Remus smirked and set to work on the next wound. "I'll let you get me after."

"What kind of nerve damage is the maybe about?"

"Well, right now that thing is biting down pretty hard on your arm, right? That's how it blocks blood flow. It's also biting down on your nerves. If it's on for a while it can potentially basically warp the nerve structure, and if your nerves aren't shaped right that jacks up how they function. Like when your leg falls asleep because you're gay and autistic and sit like a dork, you pinch off blood flow and sometimes maybe pinch the nerves a little. Then you get up and fall flat on your face because your leg is alseep and after a minute blood flow is restored, the nerve is released, and your leg starts feeling normal again. That, but on a bigger scale."

Roman scratched his brow. "The sympathy is overwhelming. Who are you and what have you done with my brother?" He deadpanned. "Is the nerve damage temporary too then?"

"Kinda depends on how bad it is," Remus shrugged. "It's gonna take time for your arm to feel normal again no matter what, but we don't know about the rest of it yet."

"I wanna know what I should expect!"

"Look, I know I'm only a veterinary, but I think you're catastrophizing, Ro. That thing isn't going to be on for more than four hours so the risk of anything long term is really, really low. Okay? Very worst case scenario, you lose functioning in your lower arm and hand. But that's incredibly unlikely. Nerves heal, okay? They're slow at it and it might feel weird, but they heal, Ro. You're gonna be okay. And if you're not I'll let you cut off my arm and we can stitch it onto your body. We're twins no one will even know the difference."

"Okay, I remember that episode of Criminal Minds and that didn't work."

"Then you can cut of my arm and beat me with it, I dunno, just shut up and let me out your arm back together, Sally, okay? Geeze, this is why I wanted Emile in here with you."

"Bitch," Roman pouted.

"Jerk," Remus replied.

"You did not-"

"You started it. Alright. Stitches are done. Let me get you bandaged up, then you can punch me, alright?"

---

"Good news, there was no sign of the virus in the sample I took from your arm," Logan announced. "You're in the clear and we can get that tourniquet off you now."

Roman let out relieved sigh and held still as Logan began removing the device. "Thanks."

"You'll have a bruise for a while, but you should make a pretty good recovery."

"Yeah, Remus already gave me the whole 'it's gonna take time' run down."

"Good. You may experience some swelling and that's normal, but please let me know if it starts bleeding again."

"Thanks, Logan."

"You're welcome. Now, go give Emile a hug, please. He's been worried about you."

---

"Hey-" Roman stumbled back a couple steps when Emile plowed into him. "I'm okay," he murmured against his neck.

"I love you and I understand why you didn't want me in the room with you, but also I'm incredibly frustrated with you about it," Emile replied without letting go of Roman.

Roman smiled faintly and hugged him a bit tighter. "I know-"

"I could've lost you."

"Hey," Roman took a step back. "I'm right here, okay? I'm alright, Em."

"I know. It just...makes it a lot more real than it was a few weeks ago. It scares me. It's like it didn't actually click that...this is all really happening till you came home today and I didn't even get to see you till it was all over. It's not likely that we're going to make it out of this. It's not likely that we're going to get to grow old together."

"Maybe not, but whatever happens we are going to be together for it."

"Are we?"

Roman sighed.

"I wasn't with you today."

"I just...didn't want you to have to see it if things...got worse."

"I'm your partner, Roman, that's when I'm supposed to be there."

"I didn't want to put that burden on you, though."

"I know. I know you were trying to protect me and I love you dearly for that. But...I want it to be my choice too. Sweetheart, it's going to be hard on me no matter what if anything ever happens to you. It's going to break my heart either way, I don't want part of that pain to be...wishing I could have been there. If I ever lose you, you're not going to be around to feel guilty for traumatizing me with your death. But I am gonna be around to feel guilty about not being there for you."

Roman shifted his weight. "Guess I hadn't really thought about it like that."

"I wish we didn't have to think about things like that. And I really do understand why you didn't want me with you today, but if, God forbid, if something happens later and you make the same choice, I'm going to respect it. But. I'd at least like to have some say in it."

Roman nodded and took Emile's face in his hand and kissed his forehead and Emile slumped against his chest. "I'm sorry."

[sound-wav3]

Fictober 2024

Full Moon

Prompt: 11 ("well, that worked out great")

Fandom: Original Work

Rating: E+10

"Thanks for getting here so quick, John."

"No problem. It sounded like an emergency."

"Uh, kinda. Things did settle down after I called you."

"Really? You sounded pretty panicked. And where's Carrie?"

"That's why I called you. I... I should just show you." I led John into my house. I brought him to my bedroom. "She's in here, but be quiet. She's...... excitable."

I opened the door very slowly. We peeked in. I couldn't see Carrie yet so I kept going. I still couldn't see her. The door was almost fully open. Something shot out of the closet. A heavy weight tackled me. I was being assaulted.

My face was getting covered in wolf slobber. "Bleh! Carrie! Stop!" It took a good minute, but Carrie finally stopped licking me. The giant wolf girl got off me and I was able to stand up. "Yeah so, she turned into a wolf."

"Was she bit recently?"

"What?"

John was looking over Carrie who was currently sitting next to me, panting. She was almost as tall as John while sitting. "Was she bit recently?"

"Uh, I think about a month ago she might have been. She came home real drunk and said something about a dog attacking her outside the bar. There was a small mark on her shoulder, but it didn't look like an animal bite."

"Well, I'd need some silver to confirm, but I'm pretty sure Carrie was attacked by a werewolf."

"A what."

"Werewolf. Tonight is a full moon."

My brain took a moment to reboot. "I'm sorry, a werewolf?"

"Yeah."

I stared at him blankly. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'YEAH'!?"

"Oh don't worry. People have way blown out of proportion how dangerous werewolves really are. I mean sure, they are big, slightly humanoid wolves, but they're pretty docile if handled properly."

I inhaled deeply. "Fine. She's a werewolf. Now John, how do we fix this?"

"Fix?"

I stared daggers at him.

"I don't know if this is something that really needs to be fixed." He started scratching behind Carrie's ear.

"But she's a werewolf! There has to be a cure."

"Well there is a vaccine against Lycanthropy, but it only works to prevent it, not cure it."

"Yeah I know what a vaccine does. There's no cure?"

"The best cure is to provide her with love and care every full moon."

"You"re suggesting the power of love? Really?"

"The power of love has time and again proven to be the strongest power out there."

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "So, as long as I love my girlfriend, she'll turn into, what, an big, excitable dog every full moon?"

"For the most part. I can get you a pamphlet with more info."

"A pamphlet for if your girlfriend becomes a werewolf?"

"Well, it's for loved ones in general, but basically."

"...Thanks for coming John. You've been decidedly unhelpful."

I started escorting John to the front door. Carrie followed us. "Don't be like that. There's a lot of people out there that would love a werewolf girlfriend."

"I don't go to those parts of the internet John." I opened the door and pushed him out. "Call me if you have some actually helpful advice." And I slammed the door. I leaned into the door with my back against it. I heard a small whine.

Carrie looked at me. She did still have a human intelligence behind her eyes. "Well, that worked out great." Carrie padded over to me and brushed herself up against me. I started to pet her. I sighed. "Werewolf girlfriend huh? ...Maybe I should visit those parts of the internet."

[skysometric]

2023 Resolutions In Review

it's new year's resolution season, and for me, that means looking back as much as looking forward. yesterday i wrote about all that i accomplished this year, and today, i want to look at the resolutions i wrote for 2023. i got so much done that, surely, i knocked those out of the park… right?

so as the year draws to a close, i’m not making any resolutions about what i’ll accomplish online, because i know that i’ll be drawn to it no matter what happens. no, my resolution for 2023 is to improve my IRL, so that this year is not as miserable as the past two have been.

uh. Shit

okay, so… i definitely neglected my IRL this year, in favor of creativity. i'll freely admit that some of it was escapism, throwing myself into the act of creation so that i could get away from how i felt about my life. but other parts of it were to get something off my plate, so that i could handle my IRL with more grace and less stress. so it wasn't all bad!

but this quote especially hits like a truck:

then, once i’ve bolstered my IRL with stronger foundations, more joy, new inspirations, less stress… online stuff will naturally follow. i will always want to create. resolutions are for putting in the work.

the sad truth is that i did not get the stronger foundations that i wanted; most of my year was spent in survival mode until i could get home and create again. i want to create out of joy, not escapism! to be clear, there's nothing wrong with the latter – but only i have the tools to get out of survival mode, and i did not accomplish that this year.

i did, however, put a dent in the mountain of stress. here's some things i tackled IRL:

my partner and i put a LOT of effort into improving her mental and physical health this year, getting her to new appointments and treatment and professional help that she did not have last year. i consider this our biggest IRL accomplishment of 2023!

with good budgeting, my partner and i were able to upgrade our computers, phones, and consoles. every single device i just listed was 5-10 years old and falling apart at the seams, so these were very necessary upgrades! all of them have contributed to us getting more creative work done this year, like my upgraded computer allowing me to stream more often – as well as getting more rest.

we also got out of the house more, picking random nights to go shopping, go to the park, or just get food. it's nice to be able to do that again, after the pandemic locked us in the house for so long… but we're just natural couch potatoes anyway lol

i have a psychiatrist and a therapist now! i don't get to see them often due to my health insurance, but it's a good start and something i may be able to invest more into in 2024.

speaking of which, i got to try ADHD meds this year. they didn't work out… but i did try, and it was worth the effort of trying. i would like to try again next year, though i am not making it a resolution.

i wouldn't call this an accomplishment… but we lost two cats this year, and while we'll miss them dearly, it does mean a lot less cleaning and chores to take care of our remaining two cats. having four cats was a commitment we did not choose in the first place, and it was a sore spot for many reasons – but we did our best to care for them anyway.

it's a lot for one year! and i did accomplish my goal of being less miserable than last year… it's just not everything i hoped for, resolved for. i've allegorically polished up my house, but the house itself is still built on shaky ground.

i would say something like, "oh well, there's always next year!" and in truth, there are a lot of opportunities on the horizon that could very well bring the stronger foundations i'm looking for. but i am not going to make the same resolution again… because, quite frankly, i don't know what it takes to get out of survival mode! and i can't possibly predict how a year will go, or what the whims of my ADHD will decide to focus on. i'd rather play it by ear, and just… try to be cognizant of how much i'm leaning on escapism.

so here ends this resolution… but 2024 brings new possibilities, and maybe they'll lead me to where i was already headed.

[redwineconversation]

Australia - Ireland Postgame Thoughts

Blah blah not doing this for every game, I feel like I am going to DIE I am so tired so idk how those who are chronically online manage to do this on a daily basis, etc etc. Pls send Red Bull or Starbucks, I need it so badly.

I still don't think that Australia is going to win and I have reservations that they will go deep, but they won the first game at home in front of a pretty big crowd. It's not that I thought nerves would get to them, but I wasn't exactly sure how they would handle the nerves either, if that makes sense.

What I wasn't concerned about was them handling Ireland's physicality. It's interesting to me because I don't think that Australia is "physical" in the traditional footballing sense of the term, more that they are athletic. But because of the athleticism they were able to cope with McCabe's traditional definition of defending.

For me, McCabe is the ultimate "what if" player. She's good, she's talented, I like her left foot. I am more than happy to acknowledge all of that. But holy crap does she lack structure / self-control, and I wish she would find herself in a team where reckless fouls had consequences rather than be encouraged. One of these days McCabe is going to cause an extremely severe injury to another player. When it happens, Arsenal fans will hand wave it away, saying that McCabe is "not that kind of player" and that she "didn't mean it." (second part I will probably concede)

I don't think McCabe actually wants to severely injure another player. At least, I hope she doesn't want to. But I also think it's only a matter of time before she will, because these reckless tackles are done intentionally. It's done with the intent to foul, to show that neither she or her team will be bullied. I'm fine with a team wanting to prove they are top dog. I'm less fine with it if the only way to do it is dirty fouls.

Steph Catley is under-rated. Her penalty was really well taken, excluding the last 10 minutes or so she managed to keep her team's composure under control pretty well, and she didn't let the occasion overwhelm her. I'm rapidly developing a soft spot for her but only as long as she plays for Australia.

Vine and Cooney-Cross are two of the younger players I really, really like. I do think they will be snatched up by bigger European teams if not this summer then by the end of next season for sure. They're fun to watch in that they're, well, quiet, just keep their head down and do their job.

One day Carpenter will cross accurately and I will finally know peace. Her finishing is something that definitely needs work. The plus side is she is young and it will happen - especially because she is working on it at both club and national team level. It's nice knowing she has room to grow, it's frustrating that there are growing pains. Overall I don't think her game was much to write home about in that she too just did her job without having to do anything flashy. I'd rather not notice my defenders because if you do then it means something is going wrong. The heat mat shows her exactly where she should be - defending on the lower right side of the field. So I guess it's a give and take: yes I would rather her crosses weren't on a "lob it into the box and hope for the best" level, but she also was defending a fair amount this game, which is kind of her job.

There's a dig to be made about the McCabe - Littlejohn - Foord drama but realistically I don't think it impacted the outcome of the game that much so it is what it is I guess.

Obvious penalty, dumb act to concede it. Not sure why people were up in arms about it when Raso was already getting fouled probably more than anyone (is there an actual tally? I got that impression during the game but it was also 3am and I was regretting my life choices). Shoving someone in the back in the box will always result in a penalty, particularly when they end up going to ground because of it, so yeah. Not sure why there were complaints about it. Raso didn't even dive.

Finally, just want to say thank you for New Zealand for delivering on #UpsetsWelcome from the very first game. I'd say I don't think there should be any surprises in tomorrow's games but I'd also have put real money that we would never see Hegerberg questioning her life choices while ending up as Norway's LB, so I guess never say never.

[aethesfaelibrarae]

Alright so—

Ryuji and the Palace conundrum of personality and why I'm giving every one of the Confidants (and Shiho) a mini-one because actually tackling sins and virtues and flaws just means so much to me personally.

The thing is—as much as I love the Persona 5 crew—I had the same issues that I have with Marco Diaz from Star vs The Forces of Evil (which I also have an AU for) and the fact that they don't have motivations past what the plot needs them to have and the plot needs those motivations to keep them with the Protagonist.

Ryuji needs to be passive but also fun but also loud and abrasive—him having a sense of spite or softer moments can't happen too often because the Phantom Theives need to be Good but not too good. Also I despise the handsy lovable pervert comic relief with a passion.

Only one who's ever gotten a slight pass from me is Denji but even then, he barely counts himself as a human*.

Ryuji once you remove the Protagonist has no later hopes and dreams... Hell, he's barely got a later. The teachers have given up on him, his mom is accidentally negligent and his father was abusive and his few friends aren't talking to him. What does Ryuji want to do? Why does he stay with Phantom Theives? Why's he so loud about it time and time again?

And also why don't we get to see Ann and Ryuji's friendship more??

How I plan to fix this is simple—friendly bancho boy vibes. Or the pinnacle of leap before you look; the Faith Arcana.

He's been labeled a delinquent because he's loyalty has gotten him into some pretty rough crowds with other people who don't belong or just people who take advantage of it.

He's not the Chariot Contract because discipline, commitment and willpower aren't exactly what I think of when Ryuji comes to mind. Instead I think of your ride or die, the main person who wasn't even sure that he was going to get out of the Castle alive but is ready to try and get other people to safety.

Faith is that outstretched hand in the storm and that's Ryuji. Stubbornly faithful, weathering the storms of life. He's the eternal optimist.. Of the Phantom Theives. Thing's will work out and if it doesn't, then oh, well, we'll try something else.

Now then Hope and Faith are things to work on and practice and Ryuji's needs some dusting off. Not to mention there's got to be some major adjustment between not being able to manifest your heart of hearts and suddenly having to hear all those things and thoughts you have buried.

And for Ryuji, I think it's a lot of spite and envy. The things that make you feel small and weak, the things that you try to move past—i.e, the track team.

As for motivations, I think he's a mama's boy through and through and he and Rin bond over their desire to protect and defend as much as Rin and Ann bond over their belief in doing things with your own two hands. He's getting a degree in physical health and medicine and despite the difficulties of being neurospicy in Japanese workforce/schooling, I think that he'd actually be doing surprisingly well.

Struggling because our boy is from the countryside and simple but he's still doing it.

I'd like to touch on alternative teaching methods and have the Theives band together for other things than the world ending.

Also I just really like Ryuji having that sort of sunshine charm where you can't help but want to keep him safe or gravitate towards him. I mentioned bancho-vibes which I honestly see because he seems like the type that enjoys Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and tried to dress like Jotaro Kujo. Until someone called the cops.

I giving him the same level of situational awareness but rather than retreading the same plotline of Ryuji is loud and almost gets them caught, I'm thinking of either having it be why he needs to sit out and eventually develops a Palace or having it actually affect other people. Ryuji does not strike me as an actively malicious person but rather as someone who is careless at times.

His arc is going to be about Rin regaining faith in humanity and Ryuji maintaining his optimism or at least, getting a chance to defend himself.

Ain't no mandatory forgiveness for people doing fuck shit here.

Like I actually refuse to put that in. Kamoshida is dead, Haru gets to punch someone and Ann gets to rip people apart.

[whitetickle-sl]

Right let's talk because I've been having second thoughts about this.

Sigh. What..what do I even say. I've tried to reimagine ow to even discuss anything for this acount and i always feel like I have to rethink my words everytime cause the message could always fall flat or come out wrong. Imagination is key when it come to getting your head around an idea that feels like it's out of left field. You know I have other acounts,tickled related and so on. Not everything about me focuses on things like race. And even still this is more so about getting people to think more so than it's about a fetish. To be honest most of my tickle related ideas I LIKE TO challenge norms and reach for the stars. Whenever I see an idea I can't give my full time towards I start to either lose focus on it or become demoralized if i HAVE A realy good idea that no one is interested in. So imagine it's an idea I put aot of thought in, then I hit a writers block but people LIKE IT! except the people I find like it have apercentage majority of the lees but other target demograpgic is...small. Which wouldn't be a problem if the topic wasn't so... well I mean take a good look. POC ler's on white lees. I'll be honest with you, perhap even if I was getting more blacks than whites it would probabaly still look bad either way. I mean I guess being lee is pretty popular but Thanks for making me feel like a JackAss, I knew I was stepping into quicksand and when I felt ground beneath my feet I honestly thought hey, maybe I'm on to somethingt and this could work... but then my wirter's block hits. my enxiaty kicks in and then I look at the numbers. and then when ever I get a POC coming in, I get my hopes up. Why even bother?

No I'm not throwing in the towl though. however, I think I'm gonna stop even asking. I'll let the insporation come to me whenever it does. though I admit I do hate to let others down. However If you dont' have imagination for this sort of thing, or if this just ain't for you, then why did you come? You know what I'd..rather just be friends, be on friedly terms. But I don't realy ... expect you to emerse yourself into something this complex or challenging. because I get it, it's a challenge. I find it abit challenging my self. I HAVE an easier time imaging a world where humans are underdogs to non humanoid ticklers than I do to something like this! Infact that idea came first, and this was more of an atympt to stage something more set in reality and in maturee topics. I don't know I figured people would atleast want to explore and try to figure out the lore that could back such a scenario as this but I guess I put to much faith in the idea of people having imagination or the ability to think outside a box or break any opinion they believe in. I don't know why when I struggle with my own at timese. I guess I fuigured since I was able to see how it could work, others would to. You know...it's frustrating. you put any amout of work into something and the progress is so slow that it it ends up stagnent. You put your work into something ambitious but the moment you began to question the point of why your even doing this, you sort of just feel like you waisted all that time. Sure you saw the potnential and you should never just give up due to nay sayers or critics. But not those guys causei hardly evene hear from them. No it's the idea that in the end , will people even get why I even did this at all? Or will it al fly over their head?

I guess what I should say right now is...I'm emotionaly confused right now. I'm torn between an ambitous vission, my other visions, what my target demographic for this even is and what I got instead.

My after thoughts is this. This is a topic worth tackling and most certainly potential for world building and kinky fun. However it's ambitous and if your hoping your gonna have an RP with someone on this sort of gimmick...I'm sorry.But no one has that kind of imagination for it. I mean people got imagination for tickling, tickle torture, sadism, masichims from what I've seen. But let's get real. No Black, asian or other wise is interested in this. ok maybe that's not fair I've met some sure... but the reality is people are either to buisy , or don't RP, or CAN'T EVEN FIND YOU. I waited paciantly, hoping people might be interested... I got some and tried some things out. I got to be a lee. I think I found myself getting more well told stories out though being the ler for white lees! I'm basicly carrying the story. Oh sure I'm used to narrating in other tickle rp types too but I still found many others where I and the other person can contribte alot to the RP and it feels like a story is unfolding. I came close thinking I finaly found someone who could help me do that with the Giggle Milkee idea. Who ws I kidding. Not only was the sotry more set up by me but they wound up not even apreciating it. they straight up jump scared me with a sudden mood swing! realy?! A mood swing?! Listen.. if your Black or Asian or any other Grabber cannidate, I'm not discouraging you from trying. I mean there are plenty white lees out there. You can try all you like, but as for me..I DON'T EVEN know. Send me a message if your even interested...however my reception might be differant for now on than what it would have been in the past. For now on. if you don't got imagination, I won't waist any time with you. Same goes for the Gigmigs, though they've been more interested I still find some that either gone missing or are lacking. Maybe I'm just sore right now...like I SAID. i'M EMOTIONAly condused. more like distraught,aggervated, not wanting to give up, not wanting to keep going. I'm torn is what I'm saying. and I needed to vent. I'm not sure about where I'm gonna go with this in the future. But If I see another Grabber...I'm not getting my hopes up... I just won't. I'll be happy...but chances are.....well you figure it out cause my throat is sore.

[d-targaryenshoe]

By Chance • Part 4 • Jackson Avery

Word Count: 1036

Summary: Y/N and Jackson have a kid together but when heartache gets too hard, then worse things happen

"Hunt told me to drop this off, said it was a 'can't come in' thing?" Link placed the chart in Jackson's hands. "And this."

Link took the blue-colored box out of his jacket pocket, handing it over as well. "You sure of doing it? If it's a no, she'll run away forever."

Jackson frowned at the surgeon in front of him, slightly nodding his head to the five-year-old boy n the ground, playing.

"Oh, shit- I mean crap, I'll just stop." Link chuckled running a hand through his hair, noticing Jackson's stern glance. "What? I'm not doing anything wrong am I?"

A ringtone was sounded from Link's pocket before he took out his phone and noticed Amelia calling him. "Amy? Why are you calling me for the fourth time?"

"Well, because you indeed didn't answer any of my calls since a half hour ago and in that time, y/n has left the hospital, I tried to keep her here with a surgery, but I failed," Amelia spoke through the phone, frustrated. "Just come back here and don't screw this up."

"Wait, the only thing I did is dropping off a chart and an engagement ring, I never screw stuff up." Link just finished his sentence before he heard the call being ended by his girlfriend. "And she hung up, that's great."

"Not to stress you out or anything but your girlfriend is on her way home because mine failed to keep her away, so I'd say you just act like everything okay?" Link rambled while he walked towards the front door. "Good luck, Avery."

"Uncle Link is crazy," Miles mumbled as he was still playing with the toy cars on the floor, not looking up. "When is mom coming?"

"Link is always weird, bud, it's not gonna change." Jackson chuckled before sitting down on the couch. "Mom could be home any minute, honestly."

Miles made a voice, moving the cars around on the floor. "What was in that small box Uncle Link gave you?"

"Box, a box? Which box?" Jackson frowned at the five-year-old, eyes on April's missed calls. "I don't know about a box."

"The blue one, about this big." The boy showed a square with his fingers, looking up at Jackson with a face that spoke words. "What's in it?"

"This stays between us right?" Jackson pulled the small box out of his pocket, opening it as a subtle regular golden ring band filled with diamonds showed itself. "Opinion?"

Miles hmm'ed, placing a finger on his chin. "Mom does like subtle things and not too many details, so I think she'll love it."

You turned your keys in the lock as you walked in and noticed Miles driving with the small toy car and Jackson faking to catch a fly.

You raised an eyebrow at the two males in your house as you dropped your bag on a chair and strolled over to your kitchen.

"Not weird at all," you muttered to yourself as you poured yourself a glass of wine, ignoring the weird behavior.

"Why don't you go upstairs, I'll be there soon," Jackson spoke to Miles, ruffling the boy's curls. "Come on."

You walked up to your son, pulling him in for a hug before he got up the stairs, leaving you and Jackson alone.

"So what were you catching, a fly, a mosquito?" You chuckled to yourself, taking a sip from your glass, staring at the man in front of you. "Earth to Jackson?"

"Wha- oh nothing? I'm just reminiscing everything we've been through." Jackson shrugged his shoulders, meeting your eyes. "And we've been through a hell of a lot."

"Well, we're good now, better than we were before, why are you worried about that?" Your voice had a small crack in it, not knowing if this was going where you thought it was. "You shouldn't be worried, I'm not going anywhere, you're stuck with me."

"I'm not worried I just- I want to make sure we- no I do the right thing." He said, fiddling with the watch around his wrist. "Because what you deserve, is the right thing."

"Jackson Avery you're scaring me with all this emotional talk." You started to walk towards the living room before he caught your hand. "You're gonna tell me what's wrong?"

"Most of my entire life has been like most, riding a roller coaster in a pitch-black cave, never knowing where I’m at or what’s coming up next. Most of the time it’s like riding the old Texas Giant at Six Flags where you’re slowly struggling to make your way up the hill with the thought in the back of your mind that at any second something is going to give way and you’ll plunge back to the bottom." Jackson chuckled, walking up to you, noticing your nervous face.

"I love you, y/n y/l/n. Maybe more than you’ll ever know. Your stubbornness and thoughtfulness, how you’re able to ground me and calm me down. You always bring out my sunshine with every daybreak. I owe you for bringing me out of my shell and being grateful for the smallest things, helping our son to blossom into the little miracle we could always love and treasure. I owe you for helping me express the light I have in me, I’m so glad I can let it reflect off of you every day.”

"I swear to God if you're pro-" You didn't finish your sentence when you saw him sinking down on his knee. "Fucking hell, you are."

"Will you marry me." The small box popped open which made you chuckle.

"It's subtle, good you remembered that for seven years." You snorted, pointing at the ring.

“April already has a venue already, and my mom will dig out the old address book for the invitations and y/n don't give me that face but an answer!”

“We’re doing this?” Jackson's whisper was only heard by you.

“Yes, I'm not running again and neither are you”

a sympathetic but gorgeous smile found its way onto the man's face.

Jackson just smiled, “Trust me, there's no way I'm letting you leave again.” before he tackled your lips.

[chronicallylatetotheparty]

Lucky Charm: Reflekdoll

Summary: Adrien struggles to adapt to his powers as Mister Bug while facing an old villain with a new trick. Will he be able to learn fast enough to save his partner?

----------------------------------

"Reflektas, start turning the rest of Paris into me!"

Adrien hid behind the overturned car as Reflekta's clones started attacking untransformed civilians. Apparently, Reflekdoll broadcast a signal that brainwashed any copies. "That's new."

"You are Chat Noir, correct?"

Turning, he spotted a red kwami holding a pair of earrings. "Yeah? And that over there is... Ladybug?" Adrien asked as someone who could only be his Lady launched herself at the giant sentimonster. The suit may have been different but the cat ears were a dead giveaway.

"There's been a little mix up with the Miraculous. I'm Tikki, pleased to meet you!" Tikki offered Adrien the earrings which he accepted.

"Well! Tikki, transforme-moi!"

-----------------

Marinette dodged blast after blast from Reflekdoll.

"Well, my Lady Noire, looks like you're playing the easy part today!"

Lady Noire looked over to see who could only be Chat Noir with her Miraculous. "Not so sure about that!" Placing herself in front of him Lady Noir whirled her staff as a shield, blocking Reflekdoll's beam. "Looks like we'll be taking on two opponents that amplify each other's powers!"

They jumped onto the top of a nearby stone pillar as Reflekdoll attacked again.

"Stay focused, Mister Bug!"

Mister Bug took his yo-yo out and whirled it like he'd seen Ladybug do countless times. "Just my luck. I'm gonna have to capture two akuma instead of one."

"No, one akuma and one amok," Lady Noire corrected.

Reflekta fired her beam into one of the ports onboard. The magic layered by Reflekdoll before it shot a concentrated beam. Mister Bug acted on instinct and tackled Lady Noire out of the way. They rolled to their feet and charged up Reflekdoll as Lady Noire explained what a sentimonster was.

"Would've been nice to know what the Peacock could do before their sentimonsters started showing up!" Mister Bug commented as he launched a kick at said sentimonster to little effect.

"It was on a need-to-know basis!" Lady Noire swung her staff into the sentimonster with similar results.

"I really need to talk with the Guardian about what he considers 'need-to-know'!" Mister Bug leapt back towards the ground with Lady Noire. "Okay, so we need to find Reflekta's akumatized object and the baby monster's amok."

Lady Noire deflected another beam from Reflekdoll. "Can you manage or should we switch back?"

"C'mon! I'm totally capable of doin' it!" Mister Bug smirked.

Lady Noire pulled him out of the way of Reflekdoll's beam and they ran towards the Eiffel Tower. "We need to figure out where the akuma and amok are!"

"Probably the same place as the last time we fought her. In her bracelet!"

They jumped onto the tower itself and used the iron structure to shield themselves. "Maybe. We're gonna have to check that!"

"If I could just get my hands on a mirror I'd be able to reflect her own beam back at her!"

Landing on the first level, Lady Noire turned to look at Mister Bug. "That's not how it works." She crossed her arms. "The Lucky Charm doesn't just give you what you want."

"You ever asked? Watch and learn!" Mister Bug grinned. "Lucky Charm!"

"A mirror!" Oh, Adrien was gonna lord this over her so much! 

"Beginners luck," Lady Noire declared. Chat Noir was gonna be insufferable about this she could feel it.

"You're just jealous of my mastery!" Mister Bug teased.

A loud banging interrupted them and they looked down to see Reflekdoll climbing the tower. Reflekta steering with one hand and shooting her much smaller lasers through the window eyes with the other.

Mister Bug held out his mirror and reflected one of them back at her. Bullseye!

Reflekdoll shot at them with its big beam.

 "Very effective, Mister Bug."

"Hey, it worked didn't it?"

Lady Noire sighed in exasperation. "May I remind you that the Lucky Charm doesn't just give you an object to defeat the villain with-"

"I thought that's exactly what it does?"

"You actually have to figure out exactly how to use it!" Lady Noire poked him in the forehead. "Using your head!"

Reflekdoll reached there level and started firing. Mister Bug jumping for cover while Lady Noire blocked its attack with her staff. "Since you wasted your Lucky Charm. I guess that means it's my turn, buggaboy! Watch and learn! Cataclysm!"

Lady Noire leapt at the sentimonster and-

Her body was pulled out of the way of Reflekdoll's beam just in time. Mister Bug unwinding his yo-yo none too gently. "What was that about using your head? May I remind you that Cataclysm needs a physical medium to work properly! If that sentimonster is made outa magic I doubt it'll do what you want!"

Lady Noire held the Cataclysm as close as she could without actually touching it. "Well, what do you suggest?"

Mister Bug pulled her out of the way of another beam. "Uh... I... Knock her back to ground level while I come up with something?" Adrien smiled with the most conviction he could muster.

Lady Noire groaned. "Think fast!" And rushed out. Dodging Reflekdoll's attack she extended her baton and struck the sentimonster with her full momentum. Reflekdoll crashing back down to earth.

Taking advantage of Lady Noire's distraction Mister Bug glanced around from his high vantage point. Trying to spot anything that would spark an epiphany like Ladybug. "Okay, I admit it!" he cried out, shoulders slumping, "Being Chat Noir is way more fun."

Lady Noire leapt around the sentimonster and struck at its body. The Black Cat giving her a bit more agility than she was used to. Very handy.

Mister Bug added a swing of his yo-yo to one of her attacks. Reflekdoll stumbling with their combined force.

Lady Noire landed beside him. "What have you got?"

"Ah," Mister Bug rubbed the back of his neck. "About that..."

She stared at him. "Seriously!?"

"Well, I'm sorry! Some of us are just slow learn-"

"LOOK OUT!"

Lady Noire didn't think. She just acted. Mister Bug was the only one who could purify the akuma and he needed to keep going. She pushed Mister Bug out of the way as one of Reflekta's clones attacked... Just as Reflekdoll fired its beam.

"My Lady!" Mister Bug cried out.

Lady Noire stood immobile as a Reflekta copy.

"Yes! Now get bug boy's Miraculous!" The original Reflekta ordered.

Springing to life, the Reflekta that used to be Lady Noire aimed her bracelet and fired.

Mister Bug whirled his yo-yo as a shield and leapt to the nearest roof.

"You won't get away from me!" Reflekta called after him as he fled for cover.

-----------------

Adrien leaned against the wall of his hiding place. Breathing deeply, heart hammering in his chest. "Okay. It's okay. Ladybug does this all the time! What would Ladybug do? What would Ladybug do?"

The Ladybug earrings beeped insistently.

"This is fine!" Adrien announced as he detransformed.

Tikki falling into Adrien's palms as he fell to his knees.

"This isn't fine! Tikki, I can't do this! I'm no Ladybug! We should've switched back when she said! I-" Adrien's chest constricted and he forced his breath to slow.

"She trusted you enough to keep going," Tikki said weakly.

Her state bringing Adrien out of his head. "You need food."

Tikki hovered closer to his face, looking him in the eye. "No two of my Ladybug's have ever been exactly alike. Some are slower learners than others. I trust you, too."

Adrien looked away, shoulders hunching. "But I messed up."

"Remember Stoneheart?" Tikki prompted. "Ma- Ladybug messed up too. But you still believed in her." She placed a paw on his cheek. "Believe in yourself now."

Adrien's gaze came back to her.

"Don't ask what Ladybug would do. Ask yourself: what would Adrien do?"

Steeling his resolve Adrien nodded, rising to his feet and cupping Tikki in his palms. "First things first," he inched closer to the alleyway's entrance. The overturned car with his stash of Camembert a short sprint away. "Let's get you recharged."

A gaggle of Reflekta clones chased a group of civilians past him. The people hit turning into more copies and standing still until the akuma villain's voice came booming over the city. The new clones springing to life so they could follow her orders.

They lit up in Adrien's mind and his head shot back to the sentimonster in the distance. Its beam lighting up too.

Adrien gazed down at Tikki and grinned. "I've got an idea."

-----------------

"Lucky Charm!"

A mirror fell into Mister Bug's hands. "Wow, twice in a row. Lucky me," Adrien deadpanned as he tied it to his arm like a shield using his yo-yo. The plan was a laughably simple two step process.

Step One: Get shot.

"Hey, Reflekta!" he hollered from a rooftop at convenient shooting hight. "Don't you know that pink frills are so last season?"

"Once I turn the whole world into Reflektas it'll be the only season!" She fired into Reflekdoll's port which concentrated her energy into a stronger blast.

Just as planned. Mister Bug braced his feet and held his Lucky Charm directly in front of him. "Here we go!"

The sentimonster fired.

Step Two: Shoot Reflekta with her own sentimonster's magic.

The beam reflected off Mister Bug's mirror and perfectly into the round eye windows. Blasting Reflekta dead center.

Adrien held his position for a moment, peaking past his makeshift shield. Reflekta and Reflekdoll stood still. Waiting for orders from... themselves. The enhanced magic dependent on the sentimonster and by extension whoever was driving it.

"Yes!" Mister Bug raised both fists. "Now just a little pest control and we can all get on with our day!"

Finding and purifying the akuma and amok was easy when he wasn't being shot at. Grabbing Juleka as the sentimonster vanished and setting her down on the ground.

Adrien looked at Mister Bug's reflection in his mirror... "I've always wanted to do this." And tossed his Lucky Charm into the air. "Miraculous Mister Bug!"

As the ladybug's restored Paris he spotted a familiar black suit. Adrien ran for her.

"Mister Bug? What- OOF!" Lady Noire stumbled as her partner barreled into her and tried to squeeze all the air out of her lungs. Once she could breathe Marinette wrapped her arms around him and patted his back. "You did good, little bug."

Adrien just held her for a moment. She was okay. He'd saved her. She was okay.

Then his earrings beeped.

Breaking the hug, Mister Bug jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "Ah, we should split."

"Yeah..." Lady Noire readied to extend her baton. "... I think I finally get why you're so protective."

Mister Bug smiled. "And I get why you're so focused all the time."

He offered a fist bump and she accepted. Both heroes leaping in opposite directions.

-----------------

"Tikki!" Marinette cradled her friend to her chest.

"Marinette!"

"I can't believe how much Chat trusts me... Knowing you might have to do that again? I don't think I could handle it."

"He's your Chat Noir for a reason, Marinette," Tikki agreed.

-----------------

"Fighting by yourself is horrible,��Plagg! I don't know how Ladybug does it." Adrien held him tight. Deciding never to let his Miraculous out of his sight again.

"She's got you most of the time, doesn't she? You're supposed to support each other, ain't ya?"

"Yeah. You're right..."

-----------------

"... Well, one things for sure, Tikki." Marinette gazed off in the direction Plagg flew towards.

-----------------

"She definitely-"

-----------------

"He definitely-"

-----------------

"-got the short straw."

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Yes, this is technically the last prompt... But it's already written and I'm impatient.

@adrienaugust

[maggyoutthere]

This "Everywhere At The End Of Time" thing has been showing up on my recommendations list on youtube. What even is this thing-

I mean it sounds neat. I'm like half an hour in and I like it :/ it's so nostalgic with the static and record scratches. I'm a sucker for ambient music and these sound neat

Edit:

Reached Stage 2

What is happening why is this triggering something in me. Like I can clearly tell something's wrong. You can still hear the music but the static and record scratches are louder.

I'm kinda scared though. As much as I love listening to music I can tell when something is just more than your typical summer hit or even mental health PSA. What is this-

Edit 2

K so apparently this is an album representing various stages of dementia. That's a tricky thing to do but I have faith in music. It's a great way to express stuff so I'm very curious to what this is gonna turn out like.

Edit 3

Idk if I like where this is going.

"I still feel as though I am me" broke me a little for some reason. Idk why but it just stood out differently to me. I am very very hesitant to jump some tracks to get to hear the other stages still today. Most of these tracks transmit the same idea but I didn't want to leave out anything.

Also no I hate rb stuff to make those threads. Have the consecutive edits of this thing.

Edit 4

STAGE 3 YOU CAN'T JUST CUT OFF LIKE THAT WHAT THE HELL-

Little heart attack I just had aside, I'm liking it so far. It's starting to get very uneasy but I think that's the point of it. Goodness gracious Stage 3 scared the absolute crap out of me. It cut just like that. So abruptly and caught me off guard. Not even a fade out, damn.

Edit 5

I had to skip some tracks from the second half of Stage 3 and

oh no

Edit 6

Reached Stage 4

I am having some very visceral reactions to this. It is incredibly unnerving but I want to keep listening to it so much. I love how it’s not even music anymore, it’s just... noise. Lots of different noises all crumbled up together, unified by some vely loud static.

Might have to skip some bits here because all Stage 4 songs are 30 min long each.

Edit 7

MOMS COME PICK ME UP OH FUCK OH GOD NO NO NO NO

I HATE IT HERE BUT I LOVE IT BUT AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It’s so hard to put down what this is doing. I’m not even sorry for rambling just take this post for what it is idfk if people are even reading this but holy fuck.

The 30 minute ones are killing me from the inside out. I’m very sensitive to audio and sounds (probably because of autism) and this is just pulling all the levers in my brain. It’s so- i have no idea what to call it. Sensory triggering?? I guess???

Edit 8

Stage 5.

Oh... god. 

Edit 9

Reached Stage 6

This has no description, both in the video and in my head. The sheer nothingness something so loud can transmit; the void where something should be but you can't remember what. Blessed were the minutes when I was still listening to the first track; there was music at least. Now there's just this emptiness, this absolutely deafening silence.

The worst is that you know exactly what's going on.

Edit 10

Listening to the last track: Stage 6 - Place in the World fades away

Everywhere At The End Of Time is a series exploring dementia, its advancement and its totality.

I cannot put to words what an absolute masterpiece this is. To tackle such a serious mental illness like this one is already an incredibly hard thing to do; to make art out of it is risky, to make it work is nothing short of a miracle.

The Caretaker (pseudonym of the composer) is an absolute master of his craft. To use something so carefully constructed as music and sound to make sense of something that makes someone not make sense is a challenge to say the least. How do you even go about it? In music there are bound to be rhythms and leitmotifs and patterns: there is bound to be organization.

This is where EATEOT absolutely excels in. I don't know if this could be called of music but I'll surely call it of art; the genius of these tracks are in their editing rather than in their composition. The first 2 stages are pretty much just songs with static noises and record scratches layered on top. It gets the message across: there is still memory, it's just blurry, washed out. It's there but it's hard to see.

From then on out, everything changes. Stage 3 keeps the background noise going, now repeating certain parts of the songs or even reverberating them. The memories themselves are starting to change, not just getting difficult to access. Stage 4 sees the absolute fear and horror of realizing such thing is happening. The grasping at anything in pure terror of forgetting everything. There is no such thing as music now. It's unnerving, it's uneasing, and rightfully so. This does not sugarcoat things and I personally like that.

Stage 5 hits us with a certain calmness after the storm. Things aren't better of course, they're just quieter. Memories are starting to dissapear completely and now there is mostly only the background noises.

Then comes Stage 6. It's desolated, it's deserted, it's nothing. It's gut wrenching. I'd like to touch on the last song because I particularly liked this one. "Place in the World fades away" is, in my opinion, divided into 2 parts. In the 1st half you have static and noise. There is nothing in there. The occasional crescendo almost scares you because of how hollow the mind seems to be at this point, but it leads nowhere. Then there's the 2nd half. You start to hear music. Actual music this time. A choir of voices, still echoing from somewhere else remind you of how it first started: with the music. It puts things into perspective and signals you towards the first of this 6-part series, how far we've come. Then, as if telling what must be told, the music fades away, leaving you with a whole minute of absolute silence. No static, no record scratches, literally a whole minute of dead silence.

I found myself continuously going back to this tumblr post and to the comment section of the video; I didn't want to feel like I was experiencing this alone, and I was glad to see people in the comment section helping eachother out, talking and venting, so that was heartwarming.

I know I'm not usually very serious about things but I wanted to try and do it for this absolute magnum opus. I like to critique stuff as much as the next guy, but to be able to analyze something like this is unique. If you want something to challenge you emotionally, something to make you think and reflect on things, this is an absolute must.

Tl;dr: Everywhere At The End Of Time is a haunting representation of dementia, both in its advancement and in its totality. It's really profound and definitely worth a try if you have some free hours.

[barcaavengers]

Weakness || Bucky Barnes Imagine || Pt. 4

Note: Here we go! This part is mostly a short fluffy moment. Reader being there for Bucky when he talks to Yori, and supporting him when he admits he will always be missing a key person in his amends. Next part will probably be more fluff, domestic and carefree Bucky cause we all know the Wilson's bring out the best in him. I'm thinking of what else to add to it so I want you guys to tell me what you'd like to see in part 4!

Updated: The first posting was all messed up and cut parts for some strange reason so it is now updated correctly!

Disclaimer: Gif not mine. All credits belong to @ryangoslings Tag List: ❤️ @hanakin-im-panakin, @evie-pr, @justinekomwriterkru, @felicityofbakerstreet, @maaaaryx, @ijustwantedplums, @winterberryfox, @ttatum14, @pastelbabygirl19, @love-buckybarnes, @forever-aimless, @izzlenizzlebizzle @pastel-boy-sungjae, @johnmurphys-sass, @ren-ni, @rachelizabethgraham

"This looks so different…" Bucky says as you two walk down the streets of Manhattan. "Steve and I would come to a hot dog stand on that corner after school. I would get him the same order every day" he says as you two walk.

"Wow, the same order" you smirk.

"He felt bad whenever I paid him, it was the cheapest order so he always asked for it no matter how many times I told him he could order something else."

"I have always admired your loyalty to each other" you say. "Never gave up on each other, always had each other's back no matter what."

"There was a time we were all we had left" he says and you could hear the nostalgia in his voice.

"Well, things change now" you bump into him and he chuckles, hands tucked in his jacket pockets. "You are not alone. You got Sam and you got me" you smile at him and he looks at you, smiling back. How much you loved this happy side of him was beyond words.

"I couldn't be more thankful," he says. His hands fall from his pocket and for a moment you see him hesitate after lifting one hand, until he realizes you were on his left side, so he drops it.

"You can do it, you know?" His eyes go wide for a moment, like if you have read his mind.

"Was it that obvious?"

"A little" you giggle and you can see his cheeks flushing. You reach for his gloved hand, but he moves it out of your reach. "Easy steps, remember?" You pause as you look at him. He nods his head before moving his hand to yours and you hold it. "So…" you trail off and get close to him, taking his arm and wrapping it over your shoulder. "This is what you wanted to do, right?" You ask him with a smile.

"Too predictable?" He asks.

"Not at all," you grin. You notice he is almost hovering it, he is touching you alright but not letting it actually drop on your shoulder. "Relax," you say. He let out an air through his nostrils before he rests it completely. The arm wasn't that heavy, or it wasn't to you. You haven't said anything about the Serum still having a slight effect on you although you have slowly felt it leaving your body.

"Thank you, for being so patient," he looks down at you as you two walk down Central Park.

"I told you I'd wait for you, I meant that" you admit. "I'm sure you will get the hang of being around a girl real quick again" you tease.

"I wonder what Steve said to you about me" he chuckles.

"That you got all the girls, even the dates you got for him" you smirk. "A true charmer" you say playfully.

"Jerk" he chuckles. "I didn't even try."

"With those looks? Of course you didn't try. One word and girl's would show you their ankles in one go" you laugh.

"Now I see enough ankles" he looks around and you elbow his side playfully and he pretends to be hurt.

"Don't you dare look other girl's ankles, Barnes" you tease.

"I'll try," he chuckles. "How have you been feeling though?"

"It's...almost gone" you shrug. "I mean, I feel it still but it isn't like the first time."

"I don't like that," he frowns.

"I know. If that stays in my system you won't see me as someone you have to save or help cause I can take care of my own."

"It has never been about that, doll" you duck your head so your hair falls and covers your cheek. The word making your cheeks flush instantly. "I'll still be there to save you, and you don't need saving so it isn't even that. You don't need help. I'm just worried of the toll it could have on you. That was a prototype, we don't know the side effects it could have…" he admits.

"Hopefully none" you bite your lower lip.

"We will figure it out," Buck says as he stops to pull his phone out when it starts ringing. "Sam?" You eye him curiously as he answers.

"Look at those lovebirds, taking a walk through the park like old people" you hear Sam on the other side of the phone. Your eyes look around the green areas, but he was nowhere to be found.

"Considering I'm a hundred and six" Bucky is looking for him too, dropping his arm off your shoulder.

"You dumbasses realize that I can fly, right?" That makes you two look up and you squeak at the sight.

Sam was above you, his wings and uniform were different, more white than the colors that Steve used to wear for his Captain America uniform. It was a sight. He lands perfectly in front of you, wings extended before they get concealed.

"Holy shit, is that what you asked Shuri to do?" You ask Bucky.

"Just a little something," he shrugs.

"Damn, Sam." You laugh as you go around him, his wings coming out scaring you off making him laugh.

"You like it?" He asks.

"I do" you say and squeak again at the shield on his back. "Oh, that's awesome." You say as you poke the shield.

"Thanks, man." Sam says to Bucky with a grin.

"No problem." Bucky says with a nod of his head. "What's up?"

"Karli is going to try to sabotage the votes in the GRC tonight" Sam says.

"If you give me a chance to change to something more comfortable I can be there."

"Alright. Voting starts in an hour. I'll send you the coordinates" he says and the jetpack initiates. "Sorry for ruining your date!" He shouts as he goes up to fly away.

"Right," your lips pressing together and you turn to Bucky. "You are going to change too?"

"Nah, I think I'm good. I'll go with you."

"If you want you can go and meet with Sam. I'll be quick" you shrug. He eyes you and you tilt your head, "I'll be fine, Buck."

"Be fast," he says and pecks your lips before he walks away without a glance back at you. It takes you a second to process that gesture before you start running back to your place.

When you get into the building, Sam, Bucky and Sharon were already inside in their respective places for the mission. Karli was forcing everyone out, which you had to admit, it was quite smart. Then you find yourself in the garage of the building where the armored cars with the Senators were leaving from. "Bucky?"

"I'm here," he says as he comes from your side. "Karli distracted me on the phone." He says as he takes the keys from one of the bikes, tossing it to you before he gets on one of them. "You are coming with me."

"Seriously guys, you had one job," Sharon says from your earpiece.

"You worry about your guy" Bucky says as he accelerates the bike. "Stay behind me." You nod your head before reviving the engine and taking off as instructed.

When you arrive at the meeting point of the Flag Smashers, Bucky turns to you, "You still have that adrenaline rush?" He asks, not stopping his bike.

"I think so!" You shout.

"Get ready!" And with that he hits the break of the bike, sending him forward and he tackles one of the group.

You jump off yours before taking the bike by the handles and flinging it forward to the group, taking down two of them at once. You are quick to run to them and kick one on the side, sending him back a few feet away, the other one comes at you and you avoid their hits for a moment before they take both of your arms. You screech as they try to hold you back but you are quick to kick the back of the knee of one of them, making her lose her grip before you move backwards behind the other person, making them follow you for a moment which gives you the chance to use their weight to your advantage and fling them over you and to the floor with a loud thud.

"Karli!" You shout as you see the group lighting up both trucks. Bucky is quick to try to open one and you go for the other one but to no avail.

"Morgenthau!" Walker's voice echoes and your eyes widened and you look at Bucky.

"How the hell does he keep showing up?!" You ask, but not really expecting an answer.

John is getting beaten by the Flag Smashers and Bucky is quick to save him from one of them, and you get to Karli, kicking her on the side, sending her against a fence. "Don't make us do this, Karli." A member of the group catches you off guard and wraps their arm around your neck, Karli delivers a few punches into your stomach that takes your breath away before punching you in the face. You are let go of and drop to your knees. Yep, the Serum was wearing off. Your vision was blurry, but you see Karli kicking Bucky and you see him sliding to the edge of the construction site before falling, hearing his scream. "Bucky!" You shout and are quick to stand up and run to the edge.

Everything keeps happening in quick blurs. John helps hold back the falling truck you couldn't open, and he manages to almost do it until the group kept going at him making them all fall to where Bucky was. Sam stops the truck from falling and is able to open the doors thanks to Redwing, so you help the Senators before jumping down to where your friends were. Batroc throws smoke grenades and Karli and her crew escape your sight until Sam identifies them and you follow, along with Walker.

Next thing you know, Sam is bringing Karli's body and talking with the senators and you had to lean against one of the trucks to process her death. Of course you didn't know her, but she was just a kid fighting for a very good reason but in the wrong ways. She was just a kid.

The next morning, the sound of a knock on your door woke you up. You lazily stand up, dragging your legs across the floor to your apartment door. Usually you would ask before opening the door, but you were too tired from the fight from last night to even be careful. When you open the door, you find the Sergeant right in front of you. "Hi" he breathes out. "Sorry, I- I didn't mean to wake you up."

"No. It's okay. Um...Come in" you step aside and he walks in. His cerulean eyes look around your apartment while you close the door. "Is everything okay?"

"Uh, yeah. It's just...I want to go visit someone, you know, about what Sam talked to me about...I was wondering if you wanted to come with me. If not it's okay. It's early but-"

"Yeah," you interrupt him and he sighs in relief. "Just let me change real quick before we go" you pat his chest as you walk to your room, leaving him behind you. You pull your shirt over your head, tossing it to the side and grabbing a bra and pulling it on, then throwing a shirt on. You reach for your jeans and step on them in front of the mirror, only to catch Bucky's eyes before they drift away like the gentleman he is.

He takes you in his bike to his destination, your arms wrapped around his waist. This felt too... intimate and your head can't help but wander off at the situation, you have to shake your head when things get heated in that daydreaming you were having. He parks the bike on the street side and turns it off. He was quiet, jaw clenched, eyes showing his concentration.

"Buck?" You call as you step out of the bike, following him. "Are you sure you are ready?" You ask him as you step in front of him.

"Yeah…" he clears his throat and your head tilts to the side.

"I'll be out the door, okay?"

"I don't know where to start…" he admits, looking at the entrance of the building. He was nervous, fidgeting with his own fingers, his voice slightly trembling.

"You will when it comes to it" you nod your head. You take his vibranium hand in yours and give it a reassuring squeeze. "Just one more name and you will be free, Bucky." A smile goes up your lips and his head nods.

"I know... It's just...he trusted me from day one. Telling him this about his son after so long…"

"I'm sure Yori will understand, not right away, but he will" he returns the squeeze of your hand before letting go. He walks inside and you follow him closely. He hesitates in front of the door before knocking. You lean against the wall, he looks back at you and you nod your head before his eyes return to the door as it opens.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Yori asks as he looks at James. "It's early, come in before someone calls the cops" the man says before he catches your form a few feet away. "Is she with you?" He asks.

"Uh, yeah, but don't worry about her…" Bucky waves off. You nod your head to the man with a smile before Bucky walks in and the door closes.

You wait patiently outside, your head resting against the wall and closing your eyes. Not even twenty minutes go by until you hear the door opening and Bucky walking out, shutting the door close behind him. You could see he was on the verge of tearing up, the tip of his nose red, his shoulders hunched and his head hanging low. "Bucky," you call quietly and he looks at you. He walks up to you and you wrap your arms around him. "Hey, it's okay. It's okay…" you coo as he holds you close to him, the few tears he let out wetting your shirt. "You gave him closure, Bucky. You gave yourself closure. You did the right thing…"

"He won't forgive what I did. What I did to his son…" his voice was shaking and it broke your heart into a million pieces.

"He won't forget, but he will understand later that it wasn't really you. I promise" your hand moves to the back of his head, your fingers soothingly moving along his scalp.

After a few seconds, he pulls away before taking his book out of his jacket pocket, taking out a pencil as well and scratching the name off his book. He stares at the book for a moment, looking at all the names he has crossed. Your hands place on top of his and you press your lips against the back of his palms, he looks down at you and nods his head before sighing and putting the book back on his pocket. "I need to do one more stop…"

After taking the bag with the book and an envelope with Bucky's gratitude. He takes you back to your place. You don't remove your arms from around his waist until after he turns the bike off. "Feeling better?" You ask, your chin resting on his shoulder blade.

"I do," he says with a nod of his head.

"Come on," you say and pat his back before stepping out of the bike and walking to your apartment. He is quiet as he walks with you and comes through the door, sitting on your couch. "We have to drink for today" you say as you walk to your fridge and pull two beers out, tossing one to him which he is quick to catch with his vibranium arm. "For closures, for partners, and for the beginning of something new" you say with a smile as you sit beside him.

"Cheers to that" he raises his beer before the two bottles make a crystal sound as they bump into each other. He takes a sip from his drink and stares at the bottle afterwards, his mind somewhere else.

"Steve would be proud, you know?" The mention of his best friend's name makes his eyes light up. "I know I am" you say as you take a swig.

"I thought I would never be able to finish that list," he says. "There's still one person I couldn't even apologize for what I did back then. I know they hated me for it but-"

"You are talking about Tony?" His head nods. "He never brought it up after what happened" you say. "Tony felt betrayed, Steve kept that from him, never mentioned it. That alone and the accords complicated things to a different level."

"That was a horrible moment…"

"Tell me about it" you say and take a sip of your beer, so does he. "I had to step out, I couldn't fight Tony, I couldn't fight Steve or you. The best thing I did was to stay out of it. I couldn't have forgiven myself if I fought any of you…" you say. "Tony wouldn't have admitted it...but I know he knew it wasn't something you could've controlled."

"Even then, I never got a chance to say something about it…" he says as he fidgets with the bottle. His cheekbones doing that thing you couldn't describe but you found attractive…

"I'm sure he understood in the long run…" you assure him. Bucky was looking at the floor, lost in thought.

"Hey, no. Let's not ruin the good moment we were having" you whine as you lean against him and he let out a soft chuckle. "We have to celebrate later with Sam. He is officially out there as Captain America," you raise your bottle and grin.

"True" you can see how proud Bucky was of Sam by the smile that appeared on his lips. "I'm glad he took the shield back."

"I'm sure he is too, and he will do a great job. He already did with that speech." There is a moment of silence. "I'll go get another one, you want one too?" You ask him noticing his beer was about to be empty.

"Uh, yeah, sure" he lifts it up.

You walk towards the kitchen and open the fridge, pulling two beers. "I have to restock-" you say as you turn around only to be met by Bucky's body a few inches away. His gaze was soft as he looked down at you. You could feel his hot breath close to you, and you were sure he could hear the fast beating of your heart. His tongue runs along his lips, and you can't help but bite on your lower lip as you look up into his eyes. "Bucky-"

"I just...want to try something…" his vibranium takes the beers from your hands and sets them aside, then resting it against the fridge, caging you, but where in any other situation you would've been defensive, you were calm because this was all Bucky, not the Winter Soldier. His other hand moves to the side of your neck, his fingers resting on the nape of it, moving ever so slowly. You can feel your cheeks flushing, your breath hitching as he leans in, his lips pressing against yours slowly. Three times you two have kissed, three times he has kissed you differently and three times you have felt different.

The first kiss was an impulse of yours, very out of place, but he kissed back anyway, even if it was a liplock kind of kiss. You felt guilty about it, you felt like you took advantage of the situation and you two had a small argument about how you shouldn't apologize for it. The second back at Sam's house which he initiated. It lasted somewhat longer than the first one, it was something that happened with the moment because you were talking about your status. Now this, which you wanted to kiss him as much as he wanted to try that something. You melted into the kiss, trying to mold your body against his. Your hands rest on both sides of his hip ever so lightly, your lips moving slowly against his, his tongue brushing your upper lip. Your head tilts, deciding to test the waters by deepening the kiss, and you were glad when he didn't pull away like the first time.

His body presses closer to yours and your fingers curl around his shirt, unconsciously pulling him closer. Your teeth graze his lips and he hums, and gosh you would lie if that didn't awaken something in you. He pulls away slightly, and you take the chance to get your breathing in check, your eyes open slowly while his remain close for a few more opens until his eyelids lift. "You good?" You ask under your breath and he nods, noticing he was short of breath as well. One of your hands let go of his shirt, moving up his side and wrapping around his neck, the one on your neck moves to your waist, holding you close to him but he leaves against the fridge his metal arm.

His lips connect with yours again, this time isn't slow, it's more urgent and you can't help but give into it. You bring him closer, if possible, as you tilt your head to deepen the kiss. Your tongue trails his lower lip, and he grants the access, a soft moan escaping your lips as his own intertwine with yours. His finger traces your skin where your shirt rolled a bit and you shiver under his touch at the contact of his hand touching a part of skin he hadn't touched before.

Then your phone goes off and you break the kiss, your forehead resting against his as you pant, so does Bucky. "I-"

"Yeah. It could be urgent…" he clears his throat and drops his left hand from the fridge and the one on your back. You look at his lips one last time, catching your breath before walking to the table and picking up your phone.

"Hey, Sam" you say as you look at Bucky who slowly turns to face you.

"Hey, kiddo. Just wanted to invite you and Barnes to a cookout my family will have tomorrow."

"Oh, uh" you look at Bucky who shrugs. "Sure, I'll let him know."

"He already knows, huh?" Sam chuckles.

"Shut up, Sam," you say playfully.

"Well, be safe. Have fun. Not too much fun though" Sam chuckles.

"Weren't you the one to tell us to take baby steps?"

"Depends on how big the baby already is."

"Sam!"

"I'll see you two tomorrow! Bye now!" And he hangs up.

You stare at the phone in your hand before sighing. "Cookout tomorrow?" You offer the man an apologetic smile, tapping your phone against your palm.

"Would be nice to go back," Bucky shrugs, leaning against the kitchen counter. "I go if you go."

"Only if you want to" you walk to the counter, standing on the other side of it so it was the only thing between you two. "We can take the first flight tomorrow. I can go and pick you up," you shrug. Then you have that idea… "Or you-" you stop yourself. Nope. Too straightforward. "Nevermind."

"What were you going to say?" His head tilts, eyeing you curiously.

"Oh, nothing" you put your phone down on the counter and scroll through the airline app looking for a flight. "There is a flight tomorrow at 5am. We can get there early to spend some good time there." Best attempt to change the subject, but when you look up, Bucky is eyeing you. "Oh, no. I'm not gonna talk."

His lips purse and he walks around the counter and you curse under your breath. "Would it be that bad?"

"Terrible actually," you swallow harshly as he stands in front of you, his arms crossing against his chest making his biceps bulge out. Why was he like this? His head nods in agreement, but he has that face that you know he won't let go of it until you speak up. You sigh. "Fine," you pause. "Can I walk you through a hypothetical?"

"Using my words. This sounds promising" he says, and you see that playful smile on his lips which purse as he waits for the answer. No matter how many times he smiled, you were glad about two things. One, that he was now falling to the Bucky he once was, he was getting his personality back. Two, that his smiles were around you, that you in a way have helped him. Yes, there was still a long way to go because he still hesitates about some things, but it was okay. Every new thing he tried you took it as a huge step.

"So, what if, hypothetically, you…" you trail off, "you stayed the night and we go to the airport." His gaze softens, and you see he is thinking of your words. "Hypothetically, okay? Like, just an idea. That way we just go straight to the airport." You can't help but chew on the inside of your cheek nervously.

"That's- I would- I would like that" he was stammering. "But, um...I don't want to make you feel-"

"If you say uncomfortable after you kissed me not more than five minutes ago I'm gonna kick your ass" you say and he smirks, but he remains somewhat serious. "You can sleep on the couch" you were regretting this. The more you say, the more you felt you were screwing it up. "I mean, if you want, Buck. It was a random suggestion." You wave off and turn around to continue looking for the flights.

"Hey" Bucky calls and you continue on your phone. His hand rests on your back before it reaches your waist and turns you around, you avoid his gaze but he bends down a little to meet it. "I would like nothing more than to stay with you, doll" he starts. "But I- I don't trust myself enough to stay around you while the nightmares are still there. I don't want to hurt you."

"Bucky," your hand rests on his cheek, his stubble poking the inside of your palm, feeling his warmth. "I trust you." He leans against your hand and kisses the inside of it, sending warmth all over your body. His cerulean eyes were looking at you with such affection that was making you weak. "I know the Winter Soldier is gone. It's just a matter of time that the nightmares will stop, when you feel more at ease."

"I know, doll" he nods his head and you smile softly at him. He pulls you closer to him, leaning in and kissing your forehead. Lips lingering there for a moment. "I'll go get my things. Text me which flight you choose" he says as he pulls away, letting go of your body before walking out the door.

You felt like this trip could help him. There was nothing to be worried about. No Zemo. No Karli. No Flag Smashers. He could now be at ease and sort his thoughts out now that he has finished his book. This could be the perfect getaway if things planned out right.

[dreambigdreamz]

When you get this you have to answer with 5 things u like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool)✨💝

Thank you, qween <3

1. My optimism. Call it what you will, optimism or ignorance. But when I'm stuck in a demanding situation, I usually don't freak out or panic. Sure, I'll probably be quieter than usual and just fret about it silently on the inside depending on the size of the problem but I most likely will try to forget it until I'm mentally prepared to tackle it. I think it's at least better than worrying constantly worried over everything that goes wrong in life. I'm also happy that I've began to show that optimism too, when my mother was being uncertain about us having to use solar panels instead of electricity. I told her, "Don't worry, mom. The thing with our family is, whenever we get into some trouble, I have recognized a pattern that we almost always end up better than previous circumstances anyways." Which was true, and it made me so happy that she is still quoting that to others (yes, she likes to show me off 🤧)

2. My willingness. Connecting with the previous point, I always want to give my best every time I do something. If I can't, then I mostly end up despairing over the failure, and sometimes even lose will to keep on trying. Of late, I have come to understand failing once doesn't mean your life is a failure, but failing to try again does. I think I'm just determined to prove myself to others (a thirst, if you will), especially my mom like ^^^ those little rewards of knowing I made my family proud is one of the motivations that fuels me forth to give my best. I also like giving everything a try, except those rare times I turn cowardly, because what I fear most is regret. Is that included in the seven sins? It'd probably be my fatal flaw though. Like Aslan said, "To ask what would have happened, child? No, nobody is ever told that." And what I don't know, I desire to know most. I'm basically open-minded to everything except secrecy. Or like, oblivion? Wait, no, just the fact that you know something's there but you don't know what? Yeah, I hate that feeling.

3. My love. I have an abundance for that, rest assured. Even to total strangers across the world, I have this longing to share and send the care and love all the way to them. Sure, no big deal. Almost everyone I've met online are sweet angels who are very generous with their time and kindness for others. But something I admire more is self-love. This is very rare to witness as most people don't like to express it much, for fear of coming off as a selfish, conceited person. Most probably. And in truth, there really is such a thin line between self-love and selfishness that it's almost hard to distinguish the two. But there are a few I've come across, who I heartily adore for that matter (the asker being included in that category 💞). And I also like to think the same for myself too. I would never degrade myself or could ever hate myself for how I look and sound and think. I just love everything about me so much, and appreciate that I have become a better person with each passing year. For sure, I'd still think I'm not good enough — I'm nowhere near being good enough. But here comes in my optimism and willingness to ensure I keep taking the journey with enthusiasm. Besides, ever since I was born, I have been given everything by my parents who laid their lives for me, and taught me wisely to never succumb to intimidation; be it wealth, knowledge or other. They taught me never to fully become someone's slave, but be an eager student taking lessons from those better than myself. But never, ever, think I won't be able to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with them. And I love that. I love the idea of being in love, I love the idea of loving another, and I love myself.

4. My image. As already said, I love how I look. I also love how I am perceived. It's taken a long way for me to be where I am right now, and I can't help but be proud of that. Many people don't consider me pretty (and I wouldn't either, except when I'm alone in my room and being crazy), but I think I look approachable. Meaning, I don't look off-putting but instead, a friendly open person. Furthermore, I am widely known at school as a hard-working student, and an outstanding one. Since I go to a prep school which is private, word spreads around quick. One of my goals in life is to one day hear from my brother, that one of his teachers asked him, "Hey, are you Snow's little brother?" I've heard my teachers ask this to a friend, and I realized what was going on. My friend has sisters who were outstanding in their own time, and are now traveling abroad to study overseas. They made themselves known in their society, and are easily associated with a good name wherever they go. That's what I would like to accomplish too, to make a name for myself and leave an image. So yeah. I love how I look. But I also love how I am perceived.

5. My thoughts. Nothing. Just that. I can't delve into detail or I might give embarrassing examples and I will never be able to live through it. But yeet.

[shaynawrites23]

Fight

Word count: 1385

Pairing: Killian Jones x reader

You bit your lip, eyes wandering to the scenes unfolding in front of you through the window. You spotted Mary Margaret walking hand in hand with David, laughing at something Emma had said. Neal sat with Henry underneath the willow tree in the park reading his book of fairy tales. Even your father and Belle were out and about, her arm slipped through his as they ambled down the street.

A wave of jealousy flooded over you. Why couldn't you have what they had? Why did your father get such a large say in your life, even though you were an adult and capable of making your own decisions? Why?

You had been so caught up in your thoughts, you didn't realize how hard you were gripping your glass of water until you looked back down at it. You exhaled, focusing on relaxing every muscle in your body.

Glancing around the cafe, you took note of how few customers there were. You sat there alone every day, waiting for your best friend Ruby's shift to end. She knew about your secret, seeing how close you were, but you made her promise not to tell anyone.

What secret was it, what was so important to hide from everyone? Well, that would be your relationship with Killian Jones, your father's worst enemy.

You knew it was wrong, you knew you were lying to him. And your mind was constantly battling your heart when it came to your boyfriend. But you couldn't bring yourself to throw away the chance you had at love, true love perhaps, just because your father disliked him.

That night, you snuck out of the house again, for your scheduled rendezvous with Killian. You needed to take the utmost care not to be caught, and so far, it was working. You felt a twinge of guilt when you passed your father's room, but it wasn't enough to stop you.

'Hey there, love.' Killian' s smooth voice made you jump as his arms wrapped around your waist, his hot breath fanning your ear when he laughed at your surprise.

'I told you to stop doing that!' You whisper-yelled at him, turning in his arms to face him.

He simply grinned. You could never resist him, not even now as you lost the battle to stop a smile from spreading across your face.

'Hey, Captain.' You whispered, leaning up to meet his lips halfway. Your arms wrapped around his neck and-

'Hey! Pirate! Step away from her!'

The two of you jumped apart in the blink of an eye. Well, more like you jumped out of his arms. You seemed to be more afraid than he was. And rightfully so, for the day you had dreaded for so long had finally arrived.

Your father stood before you, his expression like thunder, and he looked like he might actually be considering murder.

'Dad, no, please don't hurt him.'  You pleaded. But to no avail. Before you could process it, your father had curled his hand into a fist and your boyfriend was on the ground holding his throat, gasping for air.

'No, no, no, dad, please, punish me if you need to, but please don't hurt him!' You grabbed your father's arm, dropping to your knees in front of him.

'(Y/N), this is for your own good.' He snarled, his invisible chokehold on Killian growing stronger and stronger.

You looked between the two, internally weighing your options. Should you fight your father, the former Dark One, for Killian's life, or should you plead with him, agree to do anything he wished? If you chose the latter, he would likely force you to come with him and have you forget Killian, or at the very least, he would make sure you never saw each other again.

'(Y- Y/N),' Killian choked out, reaching for you, and you made your choice.

'Dad, I love you. But I love him as well, with all my heart. And should I have to choose between you, I'd pick him. So I'm really sorry, but if you want to kill him, kill me as well.' You stood tall, preparing for whatever was to come.

But to your surprise, you heard shouting and a red blur tackled your father. His grip on Killian released, and your pirate gasped, his chest heaving as the air entered his lungs. You ran to his side, helping him up to standing position, though you still had to support him.

Looking back at your father, you saw what, or rather who, saved you. Ruby. Your father had hobbled off back home by now, and the girl in the red cloak stood before you.

'Figured you might need help someday.' She smiled.

You stayed on board the Jolly Roger with Killian for days before Belle sought you out.

'You need to talk to your father. He hasn't been the same since the fight.'

'Not the same? What do you mean by that?' You crossed your arms. You were definitely not planning to go apologize to him if that was what Belle was implying.

'He won't leave his shop, he refuses to see anyone. He's been extra cranky, and we often hear shouting or crashing when passing by. He's different, (Y/N). I spoke to him over the phone and he regrets everything he did.'

'Well then, he can stop by and apologize to Killian.'

'But-'

'I'm sorry Belle, but either he does that or we're not talking.'

She nodded and left, seeing as you weren't going to budge on the matter.

It took another week before anything happened. You just continued avoiding your father and living on Killian's ship, and your father continued avoiding you and not leaving his house.

However, one day, Smee called for you. Both of you. You ran up to the deck only to be confronted with the sight of your father standing there.

'I'm- I'm here to talk to the captain.'

You and Killian shared a look. 'Alright, crocodile.' He made a beckoning motion, leading the older man to his cabin below deck. You followed, not trusting the situation.

'Killian, what? No, I don't trust this. He could kill you without a second thought.'

'I'll be fine, love. Don't worry, if I need you I'll give you a signal.'

'I'll wait nearby. Don't try anything.' You emphasized the last three words, glaring at your father before leaving, although you decided to wait right outside the door in case anything happened.

'Look, I shouldn't have reacted the way I did.' Mr. Gold, or Rumplestiltskin, began. 'The truth is, I despise you, but I'm sure you knew that.'

'Aye, it's not hard to pick up on.' Killian grunted.

'(Y/N) is all I have left. Milah is dead and Bae left me when he discovered the dagger. But that is no excuse for me to control her life. I... have learned that by doing so, I will simply be pushing her away.'

'What's your point?'

'(Y/N) loves you. When I found out, I was enraged. It felt like Milah all over again, and I assumed the worst. That she wanted to leave. But for her sake, I will tolerate you. And I sincerely apologize for my actions.' He bowed his head humbly. He had had to swallow a huge chunk of his pride in order to apologize, but he realized it was worth it.

'(Y/N)!' Killian yelled and you, having heard most of their conversation, entered quickly and calmly.

'Yes?'

'Love, don't pretend you didn't hear us.' Your face heated up when he said that, but you shifted your attention to the other man in the room.

'So, lass, what are your thoughts on this?' Killian probed gently.

'What he did was terrible, and I will try, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him for that. However, I know how hard it is to apologize, and if it were up to me, I'd accept it. It's your decision, Captain.'

'Alright. Look, crocodile, I'm willing to put that behind us for (Y/N)'s sake. So I suggest we make a deal. I won't hurt you if you do the same for me.'

Killian held out his hand, and after a tense moment, Mr. Gold shook it.

'Deal.'