#i mean if you really WANT to rb this i wont be mad im just saying i know for a fact no one cares lol

[lordiavolo]

hi my dear tumblrinas... im going to semi abandon this accnt as well as taking a break from my discord. when i started my "Identity" as link i was so much different then i am now. i believed different things and thought in different ways. ive changed so much its crazy, wnd i just feel like ive grown out of it. coming back to this blog always makes me slip back into that.

also having bpd sometimes as much as i wish it didnt makes me less toxic/better mentally if i avoid people :^( i dont want things to be that way, and im still trying to figure out the balance and how to accept friendships as human connections insead of transactional, so im not going to log onto discord for a while, but i will come back there eventually! i just dont want ppl to think im mad or ghosting u! im just trying to learn how to be an adult and how to be kind and offline

i will likely come back here just to post art, so im not totally abandoning this account, but i wont really engage with any replies/rbs anymore, just drop my art and scurry back into my hole lol.

om archive server ppl i love u and im sorry im a bad admin 😭. i am still actively archiving, and i wish i could figure out a better plan for having a public archive, ive just gotten really scared of letting everyone down or making ppl mad so i keep disappearing from our server :(

everyone who liked my posts and put up w me being annoying and always tried to see the good in me thank u. ily. if u want my discord (even tho ill be away for a while) u are more than welcome to send an ask or dm edit: also adding to this that i really dont like that i was ever involved in harassment campaigns, even indirectly. even if we disagreed on something its against my morals to do shit like that, and i wish i hadnt. one day i hope to be able to reach out to anyone i hurt directly and apologize, but im still sort of worried i may frighten someone by doing so (ie getting a message from someone you had problems with can be intimidating as i have been through before), so i hope that for right now this apology at least will mean something to you.

[horce-divorce]

I posted a lot leading upto my bday but I didn't say anything the day of bc of Big Depression... but I'm 30 now! I did the unfathomable to my younger self: I survived to 30 AND I'm seeing the gender doctor. holy shit.

But it was honestly still kind of a bummer like my bday often is, which is why I didn't post. I barely did anything out of the ordinary this year and I didn't want to post and get as little of a response as I had IRL.

But also, I didn't anticipate being out of work for 2 weeks bc of family shenanigans... or subsequently needing to spend all of the $150 of bday money I got from my family on meds and groceries, the only things I ever spend money on. I desperately need new clothes bc I'm transitioning and my weight has changed. I only own 1 pair of pants and they're sweats that are too big. I own 2 pairs of boxers. It's bad, yall.

That money was supposed to be for new clothes, new jewelry, a stand for my guitar... I was supposed to get myself a nice pair of headphones or SOMETHING with that money that commemorates the fact that I fucking survived to 30 just like I tried so hard not to all these years, A Treat. A Gift. This this the ONE time of year I ever can afford to buy myself just one nice thing and it's a really momentous year.

And instead I'm just using what little bday money I got for my Expenses like always. My 21st was like this too... I closed at the mall and passed out on my ex's couch. I didn't celebrate. I didnt even see my friends. I really wanted 30 to be different, and a lot of factors came together to make it so it was just exactly the fucking same.

Yeah so this admittedly is far from being the most compelling tragedy of our time... but it stings. It feels like it doesn't matter and like I'm stupid for it mattering so much to me.

And the whole "suddenly not working for 2 weeks bc I had to be on call for my mom 24hrs a day" has really thrown me and actually I am very upset that I didn't really get a birthday present/celebration. The Depression is always kicking my ass this time of year anyway, cats are still.triggering bc of how I lost mine and I wasn't ready to be roomies w a 12wk old kitten, and now I'm like, wow, I squandered my only 30th birthday I will ever have bc I just. Immediately succumbed to my oldest and most familiar demon and was putting all my energy and time into other people's endeavors instead of mine, just like always. What the fuck. So now I'm MORE Depressed that I survived to 30 haha like did I even deserve this :)

So anyway I expect less than nothing from this sob story but on the wildly unlikely event any of you feel for me and want to help me try to get something nice for myself and my transition instead of just fucking groceries...

v*nmo and p*ayp*l both are idleseas. here's to making it to trans elderdom out of nothing more than sheer spite, I guess. for me and you both ✌

[many-gay-magpies]

@honeyseungz @loabivey so that uh. that mini au that you had like a very small rb thread about yesterday (well over a few days ago now that im posting this). well uh. um . actually you know what im just gonna let you read it yourselves

so. heeseung, jay, and sunoo are all brothers. wether its actual brothers or just "brothers" by blood bond or whatever idk. but, regardless, they're brothers. im thinking that like, at first they aren't vampires, theyre just regular dudes yknow? (and just a forewarning, a lot of this isnt gonna be as compliant with the enhaverse theorizing we've done so far, it's just a little brain worm i wanted to play around with, throwing a little bit of enhaverse crumbs in here and there)

but anyway. they're not vampires, im thinking theyre just like... adopted/found family brothers, probably orphans or something. regardless they love each other a lot and its great. personality-wise everything is super different, but just for plot conveniences, heeseung, jay, and sunoo are the yunmeng trio (heeseung as wwx, jay as jc, and sunoo as jyl respectively), and jungwon is lwj.

the three brothers meet jungwon, probably brought together by this Big Fantasy Evil, maybe something involving the vampire queen as a character? idk. there's some big evil shit going down, and the three brothers somehow end up with jungwon and HIS big bro, who im imagining is jake (basically the lan xichen in this situation—very soft, kind, gentle; the vibes are right). both of them are vampires, not that our three orphan bois know that. they get caught up in the danger, and vampire bros jake and jungwon coms to the rescue.

now, a little bit of personality-mapping here: jay is outwardly very loud, fun, temperamental, and sarcastic, generally very much like he is irl; but inside, he's intensely loyal, protective, and loving, with a HUGE soft spot for the people closest to him. sunoo is very sweet, sensitive, and kind—the walking hug of the three brothers, who is certainly not without his bite and wont hesitate to talk back to anyone who hurts them. aggressively and without mercy. also he makes them soup for comfort and is generally best boy. heeseung is very goofy, playful, free-spirited, and bright, but insecure and sensitive underneath it all; generally a loud annoying mess of a boy. pure chaotic neutral and a gremlin if there ever was one. jungwon, on the other hand, is... not. he's nervous, quiet, cautious to a fault and intensely righteous, always standing up for what's right and refusing to waver from his chosen path. very lawful good vibes. he, naturally, is more than a little put off when jay, sunoo, and heeseung's chaotic ass come crashing into he and his brother jake's once-peaceful (ish) lives. and it doesn't help that heeseung is a... huge flirt, and apparently deadset on making jungwon his friend. fuck.

jungwon... doesn't know what to do. and it would all be so much easier if heeseung were dumb or stupid or unattractive or just a total asshole—but he isnt any of those things. he's beautiful, smart, insanely witty with a brain faster than any jungwon's ever seen—he can't help but admire him. but on top of that, he's wreckless as hell, unpredictable, and pushy, and gives jungwon heart attacks way too much for his liking. he doesn't even have a heartbeat. he's fucking dead.

it eventually comes out that jake and jungwon are vampires; the brothers are surprisingly cool with it. not the craziest thing that's happened to them.

the five boys get closer, staying together as they fight their foe (which im becoming increasingly inclined to make the werewolves), and through a series of convoluted events, jungwon learns that heeseung is not only gorgeous, smart, talented, and funny as all get-out, but also sensitive, caring, insecure, and thoughtful... and heeseung, who's only goal had been to break through the nervous and straightforward outer shell of his young dongsaeng, does just that. and jungwon, naturally, starts to fall in love.

somewhere along the line, though, things go wrong—as they were bound to do in an au loosely based off of the untamed. something happens to heeseung; he's fatally wounded after saving jay's life, and disappears, nowhere to be found. his brothers eventually assume the worse; that he's gone forever. but the queen finds him, takes care of him, nurses him back to health. turns him.

when he comes back, nothing's the same. the war is still going, and his brothers thought he was dead—but he isn't. but he's... different. jungwon and jake are quick to realize that he's been turned, how, they dont know—but they talk to him, teach him, try to help him, jungwon especially. of course he does; he's in love. heeseung, of course, is dismissive; doesn't take it seriously. ill be fine, whats so bad about this? or, perhaps, he doesn't let on just how hard he's taking it; fearing vulnerability more than he fears being a vampire.

inevitably, though, heeseung's wrecklessness leads to doom—he lets his bloodlust overtake him, relishes in it, no matter how much jungwon had warned him against it, pleaded with him to take caution. he says it's usefull—says he can help them take out enemies, help them win this war. jungwon warns him that he could end up getting more than he bargained for. heeseung doesn't listen.

heeseung helps them win the war; practically wins it for them. hes happy, bitterly, until he isnt. he's happy, until he sees his brother—sees sunoo. blood-covered, pale-skinned, drained.

no.

heeseung is broken. jay even moreso. jay yells at him; yells and yells and yells and yells. curses him out, tells him he hates him, tells him he's nothing but cruel evil—he doesn't mean it, of course, but no one knows it then, not even him. now he is only angry; so, so angry. heeseung, wrought with guilt and shame and grief, flees—hides himself somewhere secluded, does the closest thing a vampire can possibly do to death, the equivalent of a thousand-year hibernation. none can find him, he's made sure of that. in his guilt and shame and anger he stews, asleep, for hundreds, thousands of years.

after the anger passes, jay is more than anything in mourning—for heeseung as well as for sunoo. he has a realization, that being that, when, inevitably, heeseung comes back, he doesn't want him to be alone: even if he'll have jungwon and jake, it won't be the same as having his brother. so jay pleads, cries, begs for jungwon to turn him—so that they can search for heeseung together, so that when heeseung comes back, he'll have jay waiting for him, too. so, reluctantly, jungwon gives in and turns jay—after which he helps him deal with his newfound immortality and vampiric status—helping him handle his bloodlust and helping him learn how to feed. over the centuries that heeseung is gone, jay, jungwon, and jake grow even closer (j line eyyy), inseparable as they search for heeseung and even outside of that. jungwon and jay are the closest, jay growing a colossal soft spot for the boy and not hesitating to take him under his wing and protect him with all he has (initially, sort of as a replacement for protecting heeseung, but eventually jay's affection for jungwon grows into something all it's own). to be clear, no love triangle bullshit here, only sickening-sweet platonic soulmates jaywon and a jungwon that is still achingly in love with heeseung.

(okay for anyone thats actually watched cql/read mdzs, yes i KNOW lwj and jc did not get along at all and kind of hated each other but. this is my au i do what i want, and if i want to add soft jaywon into the mix then im fucking going to, goddamnit)

OKAY TIME FOR SOME WACKY SIDE-PLOT MADNESS

so. sunghoon. how does he fit into all this? how does he end up being the one to trigger heeseung's "resurrection"? how does heeseung GET resurrected in the first place? well, not to worry, you're about to find out! and i am too because i'm just figuring this out as i go along baybyyyy

sunghoon, im thinking, is a friend of jake's (lets throw some jakehoon in here too bcs why not), either from before everything went to shit and heeseung went and isolated himself, or sometime during the numerous centuries jakewon spent looking for heeseung with jay. either way, sunghoon is this boy who jake is friends with and cares about a lot, and is also maybe kind of in love with. while jaywon spend most of their time looking for heeseung, jake spends his with sunghoon—finding himself often alone, now that his little bother is going off on his own adventures.

in a situation quite similar to heeseung's, sunghoon probably gets fatally injured somehow and is near death, but jake, not wanting him to die, decides to turn him instead. niki is also involved, and it's a sort of package deal, because before meeting jakewon, heeseung, and everyone, they were their own little thing; not unlike jay, heeseung, and sunoo's brother's triad. they were both probably orphans, niki being the much younger one, and as such sunghoon took him under his wing and never looked back. when jake turned sunghoon, niki was basically like "m8 what the fuck" and demanded he be turned too, not wanting his sunghoon-hyung to live on forever while he grew old and died. jake, also having a soft spot for niki, was like "fine alright" and turned him too. so, now their little vampire coven numbered five, and all was (moderately) well.

or not.

the thing was, jake hadn't anticipated how powerful sunghoon would be—there's nothing in life that anyone's found yet that would indicate a person's level of power once turned, so jake had... pretty much no way to see this coming. but, anyway, sunghoon was... really, really powerful. like, insanely powerful. all the abilities vampires were said to have in legends, the likes of which were previously reserved for just legends, he had them; flawless teleportation, mind control, shape-shifting, the whole bit. and on top of that, he was controlled—insanely good at monitoring himself and keeping tabs on his own instincts. one of the most self-sufficient, well-mannered vampires jake had ever seen. it was... frankly insane.

the problem? the queen. this is where she comes in, because she's played a part in all the boys' transformations, albeit indirectly—when jake and jungwon first turned, it was she who turned them. she could sense sunghoon's power, and she wanted it for herself. jake and jungwon had done well at avoiding her, even forgetting about her for a while; but what she wanted, she took, and take she did. it was sunghoon she took: luring him to her in small increments and then all at once, taking control of him, turning him into a mindless puppet. sunghoon had always prided himself in control, and without it, havoc wreaked: bodies dropping left and right, people being killed seemingly at random, their only purpose being to instill fear and paranoia.

now, niki had heard tales, before, from his hyungs but also from regular townspeople to whom the legend had gotten passed down, of heeseung, and how great and terrible he was. heeseung, the townspeoples' folktales said, had been insane, unstoppable: a mad genius far too gone for redemption. niki also knew from his hyungs' fond stories that heeseung, more than evil, was kind and caring; he was loyal, and powerful in his loyalty, and niki thought that if anyone could save his sunghoon-hyung, it was heeseung.

so niki went on a journey. without telling jaywon or anyone else (and thus causing quite the panic), he spent years searching for heeseung, everywhere jaywon had thought to look and everywhere they hadn't, and twice more for good measure. and, by some stroke of luck, either due to his own sheer force of will of something else entirely, niki found him: locked away in an old castle that never quite seemed to stay put, constantly phasing in between realities. it made sense why no one had found him before then—he didn't want to be found. desperately, in fact.

but niki, too, was desperate. he enacted a ritual that was said (by jake, so of course it was to be trusted) to wake any vampire that had gone into hibernation, and, miracles continuing to work for the bitter young boy, it worked. heeseung awoke—startled to find himself staring into the face of a very teary, very angry (visibly) sixteen-year-old.

confusion passed, things and motives were explained, and heeseung (although bitter at having been woken up, and still riddled with enough guilt to last 1500 lifetimes) attempted to patiently tell niki that he had no fucking idea how to help sunghoon whatsoever. niki pretty much said "well you better fucking find a way because you're not going back to sleep now, the world's about to fucking end. also jay and jungwon-hyung have been looking for you for literal centuries, do you know how pissed theyd be if i went out looking for you, found you, then came back empty-handed? really fucking pissed is how much. also sad. did i mention sad?" and heeseung, notoriously weak and also kind of (read: very) in love, is just like "...jungwon? jay?"

so niki brings heeseung back to the others, the return journey taking a long enough time that the two become significantly close to each other, heeseung's long-forgotten big brother instincts (tm) kicking in around the younger vampire. niki has to basically drag heeseung out of the castle by his teeth, because as much as he misses his brother and jungwon, he's still so incredibly guilty, and completely convinced that he isnt worth love or life whatsoever and that jay still hates his guts. and, jungwon... he doesn't even want to think about jungwon. how he failed him. how he let him down. but, niki slowly works through the insecurities, bit by bit: assuring heeseung that, no, even though jay will definitely rip him a new one once he sees him again, he'll also cry and hug him for at least 24 hours because he misses him like hell and heeseungie hyung you have no idea.

they weather a lot together. storms, mental breakdowns, bouts of blood-starvation so severe heeseung thinks he'll lose it again: but they're there for each other. they hunt, talk, keep each other warm, and in it, form an unbreakable bond. niki had heard tales of the legendary lee heeseung, who wiped out entire armies in two seconds flat and comforted his friends when they were sad and annoyed jay to the very ends of the earth: but what he's faced with is a man with more insecurities than niki has hairs on his head—and he has a lot of hairs on his head.

by the time they make it back to the coven's home, heeseung has grown sufficiently attached to the enigma that is niki, and has almost completely but it out of his mind that he's here for his old friends, too. he's only doing this for niki: it's a fact he's comfortable with. so when they reach the front steps he just... freezes.

i have a very clear image of it in my head—jungwon, jay, and jake sense niki's presence, in some weird vampire-y way. it's been around 10, 15 years since he left at this point, so of course they rush out to greet him, ready with scoldings and lashings about how stupid he had been (after, of course, making sure he's unharmed and alright)—but it all dies on their tongues as soon as they see who's with him.

frozen. everything is frozen.

i imagine it's a lot like lulu and artzyy's post. jungwon is the first to move, stepping forward and whimpering out a broken "hyung", and all heeseung's guilt and avoidance is forgotten in favor of cradling jungwon to his chest, holding him close and whispering reassurances into the crown of his head, wonnie, im so sorry, hyung's so sorry; i didn't mean to leave you for so long, i'm here now, its okay. and of course then jay comes in, crying and screaming about how the fuck is it okay, how can it ever be okay, how could you just not mean to leave us alone for 1500 years?! how the fuck do you just expect to waltz back into our lives like nothing ever happened and pretend its all okay?!? and then he hits him, and hurts him, tries to make him feel even an inkling of the hurt he was made to feel for the past fifteen hundred years—but then punching him turns into fisting hands into the back of his shirt and sobbing into his neck and holding him so tight he wouldn't be able to breath if he had the need to and please, please don't leave, why would you leave, you asshole, why did you leave?

so yeah. things happen. reunions are had, tears are shed. some indirect heewon love confessions probably happen later on in the form of very intense devotions of life and self and all that. "walking on the single-log bridge in the dark really isnt so bad" you know the whole shbang. meanwhile jay salty in the background just like "cant you just say you love each other like normal human beings jesus fucking christ"

jayseung's relationship (or the reigniting of it) is, well, rocky. they're both conflicted—jay even more than heeseung. because, the thing is, heeseung killed sunoo. as regretful as he is, that doesn't make it any easier to forget. but he's back, and alive, and in one piece, and he isn't leaving, and jay knows it wasn't really his fault, he wasn't in control—but he killed him. he killed their brother. and it WAS his own stupid fault for losing control in the first place, for not listening to jungwon, so what the hell is jay supposed to think? he flip-flops between being intensely grateful that heeseung is back and okay and finally with them again, and then remembering what he's done, giving him the cold shoulder and not speaking to him for hours on end. and all the while, heeseung is riddled with guilt, and shame, and grief he'd suppressed for far too long; niki's stubbornness combined with jungwon's unwavering support being the only things keeping him from bolting into oblivion all over again. all in all, it's a difficult time—but they get there. eventually.

naturally, they save sunghoon. what else is there to do? they defeat the queen, break her control over their friend—and then jakehoon have their own teary reunion, not unlike heewon's, and sungki have theirs, not unlike jayseung's (although with a... considerable decrease in cursing and conflicted emotions, and a lot more immediate sobbing). they're a mess—sunghoon is traumatized, heeseung is traumatized, jay and niki are traumatized, they're all just fucking traumatized. jayseung will probably take a long time to get back to the way they once were, if it's even possible—there'll always be an empty space there, something gone, something missing, and it's one that can't be filled. jungwon barely lets heeseung out of sight or touch alike, and heeseung isn't much better off. jay's always been the more touchy one out of the three of them; but after years of missing, of longing, there's plenty of time to be made up, and heeseung is just... so, so soft, and warm, and being held by him is the loveliest thing jungwon's ever known.

AND NOW A SUNOO THING, BECAUSE THE IDEA OF ENHA LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER AS OT6 WITH SUNOO JUST FUCKING DEAD DOES. NOT WORK FOR ME

so like. sunoo isn't dead, or he doesn't stay dead, or not the soulless-unmoving kind of dead anyway. you know how necromancy and fierce corpses exist in donghua and shit? well they exist here too because fuck you and also i said so. i made myself sad and now im making it happy again goddamnit.

anyway. after he dies, sunoo gets found by the queen, too, and because she's all-powerful and whatnot she fucking necromances him—figures he'll be useful later. as he is, though, he's basically nothing more than a puppet; like wen ning and song lan were when they were being controlled. his soul isn't... gone exactly, just imprisoned, prevented from being able to come forward and command his body.

so. sunoo is still partially alive, and the boys (jay, jake, jungwon, sunghoon, niki, and whatnot)... don't know that. i imagine that for pretty much the entirety of the centuries that heeseung is gone, sunoo's status as a necromanced fierce corpse goes entirely unknown to them, and it's only after heeseung is brought back by niki that he starts to resurface. i imagine they realize it in a sort of tense, action-filled scenario: the boys have gone to investigate another attack, thinking it's sunghoon, but as it turns out the queen has had TWO undead corpses running around doing her dirty work instead of one. and one of them is sunoo.

heeseung and jay, of course, are stunned. they cant believe it's real; it isn't real, it can't be—and yet.

a lot of angsty plot stuff happens—i dont have the energy or enough shits to give to figure out what. the thing is, the queen only kept sunoo this long and brought him out as a tactic to lure heeseung, make him weaker; and it probably worked. in the midst of both fighting against sunghoon and fighting to SAVE sunghoon, heeseung is bent on saving sunoo as well, and there's probably a lot of very angsty talk wherein there are disagreements about who's life, really, is more important in this situation, and if heeseung is just trying to make up for what he did to sunoo. regardless, heeseung ends up saving sunoo and bringing his soul back to the surface. what he doesn't expect is for sunoo to forgive him—fully and wholeheartedly. and it feels wrong, because no, you should be angry with me, you should hate me and want to hurt me like i hurt you; but sunoo is just... happy. happy that he's back, happy that heeseung is back, happy that they're all together again. and its conflicting, to say the least. even moreso because sunoo isnt stupid—he didnt just act like heeseung was an innocent who did no wrong; he knew he had been wreckless, knew he was at fault, and he forgave him still. loved him still. that was something heeseung... hadn't been prepared for.

like i said in the last part, they save sunghoon; how, im not sure, but they save him, probably with a fair bit of sunoo's help, and they're together again. only the tiny difference here is that sunoo is with them too. sunoo is back, and the gang has yet another undead bestie to teach the ropes of being a vampire to. things are awkward, obviously, especially between the original brother's trio of heeseung, sunoo, and jay; because sunoo is his usual sweet and kind self while jay believes that he should be more angry at heeseung for killing him, heeseung agrees, and jay has some very conflicted feelings about how self-depricating his hyung is being (because like... yeah you killed sunoo and im supposed to hate you but you're not supposed to hate yourself, you idiot, what the fuck?)

(also like. if we're gonna take some more crumbs from cql canon here im gonna go ahead and say sunoo's death was at least somewhat self-sacrificial, even if it was heeseung that ended up causing it in the end)

(i kind of love how jiang cheng-y i made enhaverse jay here to be honest)

(okay this has been in my drafts WAY too long because ive been waiting for some miraculous Other Detail i need to add to pop up in my mind, but honestly i can just add anything else i think of in a reblog afterwards, this bitch just needs to see the light of day)

[voidselfshipp]

Hangout

Cw:feelings of unworthiness and food.

Ok to rb.

Summary: shuri and jerico hang out

--and so I yelled at him, what are thooose?!-- said shuri showing jerico the video of her brother walking around in sandals.

-- oh he told me!, he said you also added " why do you have your toes out in my lab"

Both laugh softly.

--i really appreciate you keeping me company on the lab jer-- said the princess of wakanda sitting on her chair to work on some New tech.

--hey Man youre my friend, anything I can do to make you less lonely-- she said sitting besides her-- is enough

--yknow we should order something, im hungry

--oh god YES! Shuri you genius

-- oh I know I am one

Shuri orders some food and both sit messing around in the lab.

The music played in the background, jer payed attention to what her Friend did, absolutely mesmerized by it.

-- I could never do all of this

--it is not your strenght,but you have plenty in other places, hell, youve made ayo laugh once, I call that a success--

Shuri said tinkering with a piece of equipment-- uh I need that screwdriver , ah thank you

The princess friend sits in silence eating her food-- shur your foods gonna go cold

--Oh yeah right

Some hours later they sit on the floor taking a breather, looking down at the vibraniun mines.

-- im glad to have a friend, I mean growing up I had them, but with you feels different, im very happy to be your friend-- said shuri drinking from her coffee-- yknow, theres a couple of places we could go

Jerico smiled standing up and helping her friend off the floor.

-- lets get changed and go yeah?, be carefull, t'challa is a very light sleeper

As both go to their rooms to change, jer tries to sneak by the sleeping King, she successfully changes clothes thinking the black panther is asleep.

As she opens the door to leave, t'challa lifts jerico up by her waist and nuzzled into her neck-- where are you going

-- oh, hey t'challa-- she said turning around-- shuri and I were going downtown, to hang out togheter, you go back to sleep

-- do you want to go with the dora milaje? Theyll Keep you safe

-- if it makes my King sleep better sure

He smiles kissing her neck-- have fun, if you want anything, theres some cash by the nightstand

-- oh i dont-- I dont kn--

-- what have I told you?, you Keep depriving yourself from stuff, I trust your judgement, dont worry

Jer sighed and he puts her back down.

-- I wont get mad if you mess up, here you go, itll should be enough to spoil yourself, take care.

T'challa kisses jerico and she leaves with shuri.

Both go into the city with the royal guard close by, grabbing a bite to eat, shuri buys some stuff while her friend seems to be a bit hesitant.

--my brother gave you all that cash and you wont spend it?

--i just need to find something I personally like shuri-- said jerico holding her Friends hand.

-- im sure we'll find something!come on!

Both speed up to the market area...

Its morning when they come back, t'challa is happily waiting for them at the entrance of the Palace.

He hugs them both tightly,.

--did you two have fun?-- asked the Man.

--you bet!-- answered shuri-- oh oh, jerico! Sleepover to my room! Come on!

--hold on shu--jerico takes out a little panther accesory and hands it to t'challa-- I saw this and thought of you--she said, making the Kings heart flutter.

--and did you get yourself anything?

--i didnt--

--Shuri! I thought you said you'd get her something?--said the black panther.

His sister shrugs-- I tried my best

He then looks at his partner-- can we talk for a moment?

Both go up their quarters.

She sits on her bed, and he stands infront of her.

-- why didnt you get yourself something?-- asked t'challa.

--because I dont deserve any of this! I dont deserve this nice clothes, nor the comfy bed or all the things you bought me! I didnt fight hard enough, I didnt do anything to deserve all of this !

The Man sighed sitting besides her and hugging her tightly.

-- my love-- he said wiping away some of the tears that went down her face-- you deserve this, youve fought enough,youre enough for me, youre enough

Jer sighed-- I...thank you...

He smiled kissing the side of her head-- go to sleep, and when you wake up, you and I are going downtown to get you the fanciest thing we can find

She giggles-- alright... good luck today t'challa-- she stood up with him-- night

--sweet dreams my love -- he kisses her and she walks to her Friends room.

The lights are out and shuri smiles patting the space besides her-- c'mon! Im tired

Jerico lays down with her and both pass out instantly, tired from their night of partying.

[illusionlockarchive]

pazam: a mess, truly a mess

so i usually dont do these kind of posts, i guess you could say its a call out of some sort? but i never liked that word, i prefer rather to just compile sources on WHY people would believe that a certain person is not truly as nice and understanding as they seem. consider this more of a psa post, detailing on whats going on with pazam on the sfm community, why so many people are against them.

So, a while back, tumblr user jymble made a post on the main tag stating that pazam was transphobic. they linked back to this post, which contains screenshots of pazam in a group chat stating that they do not feel comfortable with the idea of trans people. now, this did happen 9 months ago, true. however, for the record, pazam is already an adult, 24 years old, so they should have some tact. and as further and more recent events will show, they actually havent changed that much at all, at least not as they claim.

the screenshots should be in the post, but here is a transcript

[Screenshot one]

Pazam:

What????? Why?????

I literally HAVE NOT been doing ANYTHING malicious to them

And if it did I apologized

Yes I do have discomfort about them but I keep it to myself

Why are you doing this????

[End screenshot one]

‘Them’ here refers to trans people in general. Notice the defensive and victimizing stance they almost immediately take upon being confronted about their feelings on trans people.

[Screenshot two]

elliott:

of COURSE you dont

sammaku:

Like specifically

Elliott hush

Pazam:

This whole concept of transness and changing your gender physically

I hate to say it again but it weirds me out and it makes me question my own gender which flings me into anxiety, depression, and obsession

sammaku:

Its fine to not understand but are you willing to learn about it

Pazam:

I don’t want to talk about this anymore

sammaku:

That depression anxiety and obsession just comes with gender issues

(the rest of the text is cut off)

[End Screenshot two]

notice once summaku asks them if they would at least be willing to learn about it, pazam immediately deflects it by saying they dont want to talk about it anymore.

[Screenshot three]

Pazam:

Seriously??? That’s all it takes????

Wow I’m a moron

I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused to you

@.aziraphale @.elliott @.sammaku

I just don’t get this stuff period

And I’ve gotten into trouble with this stuff before

I’ll probably never understand it for the rest of my life but I’ll try to be more tactful around y’all

Especially since you’re all young

And I’m like an adult

[End screenshot three]

While at first this would seem like they had finally learned their lesson and apologized, the things they add on after the @s become quickly worrying. Not only do they admit to ‘have gotten into trouble with this stuff before’, meaning they have probably shown their transphobia in other places and been called out, but they also stand firmly on the fact that they will never understand it or ‘get’ it.

And of course, as jymble points out, the implication that the people they were talking to were only acting like that because they were young.

A while after this post was made, Pazam had posted an apology, and went onto contact jymble asking for the post with the evidence of their transphobic to be taken down. The reason? They were afraid people would see it and think they were still transphobic and not give them a chance.

In this more recent post, you can see the conversation play out between Pazam and jymbles. Long story short, Pazam feels that it’s unfair that that post is still up after they apologized, and jymble of course said they would rather not take it down, people deserve to know what they did and take their own conclusions, even if that involves avoiding them. How does Pazam respond? By flat out deleting the apology post. I’d love to show the apology post to give you both sides of the story but I cannot anymore, because Pazam in a very bizarre move just deleted it because they got mad a trans blogger wouldn’t take down their post with proof.

Here’s the transcript of the screenshots:

[Begin Conversation]

rebloggidy (Pazam’s personal):

I’m by no means transphobia-free after learning what I’ve done but at least I know my actions and am making an effort to be a better person towards trans people.

rebloggidy:

Hi again. So I hate to be that person but would it be ok if you took down that post about the transphobia claims? I know it took me 9 months to apologize but if people only see your side of the story and not realize the post I saw they’ll take it out of context and still think I’m transphobic. Do you understand?

jymble:

... i already told you im not taking down the post.

[jymble sends a screenshot of her own message in a previous conversation, the screenshot reads as follows:

however, i dont think im taking the post down, nor am i entirely comfortable with you interacting with me either. people deserve to know how you acted with this stuff, until youre really and truly *better* with it instead of just trying, and i was a direct target of it]

jymble:

you oughright told me "im by no means transphobia-free", word for word sorry, but i told you before. im not taking the post down.

rebloggidy:

I remember that. But what I'm trying to say to you is that if people who read it out of context will immediately think I'm still transphobic without the other side of it (my comment)

And I don't want people to think that in the future

jymble:

if people make assumptions without looking at the entire situation, thats on them

i am not deleting the post and thats final. people have a right to know what youve done, and they have a right to be uncomfortable

rebloggidy:

I'm ready to take down my post because frankly, I'm sick and tired of having to justifiy something that I did 9 months ago, and that people grow and learn even not 100% during that time and I'm ready to move on.

I'm still into smile for me and feel free to make a blacklist of my name so anybody who rbs my work on your dash can have it hidden or something.

Take care.

[End conversation]

a lot to unpack here, but perhaps most notable is when jymble simply stands her ground and tells pazam she wont take down the post, pazam straight up decides, without being told to or anything, that they should take down their apology. later on, they made a post stating why they deleted the post, and saying they had ‘been forced to’.

I also would love to link it here, but as of now of writing this, like, not even an hour or so after I had seen that post, it got deleted. The only memory I have of it is a conversation I had with my boyfriend about Pazam, in which I copypasted a fragment from that post that read:

“ So for those wondering where the apology post went, I was forced to delete it. I wanted to archive it in some way so I could pull it up for reference, but there was no way I could. Also I didn’t really want to see it every time on my blog because quite honestly it’s upsetting to look at.”

There are some lies and twisting of truths here. Pazam wasn’t forced to delete it, they decided they should do it as a way to somehow get back at jymble. And the excuse that it was upsetting for them to look at is just inexcusable, what matters most, letting people know of what youve done and that youre sorry, or just never addressing the situation?

But, well, I’m just hoping you’ll take my word for it. As you see, Pazam has officially deleted ANY traces of acknowledging this situation on their blog.

This worries me. If Pazam is truly as concerned that they will be seen as transphobic as they claim, why are they deleting anything that could give them a chance of showing their own side of the story?

Now, that is the end, for now, of Pazam’s history with transphobia. However! It is not the end for some other very shady things.

Namely, Pazam has consistently whitewashed characters from Smile For Me, specially Kamal, and when called out on it, simply deletes the asks.

Want to know how I know this?

I sent them an ask myself. I had come across this picture of Boris and Kamal:

And I knew that this wasn’t right. I can understand using light colors and doing watercolor, but if they can make Boris’ hair brown and vivid enough, why not Kamal? He looks like another character completely, or like he’s deathly sick! 

So I sent them an anonymous ask, perhaps a bit exhasperated, true, and my wording could be better. It went something like: “i am begging you to draw kamal with darker skin”.

I waited, checked. But nothing came of it. They never answered it.

Pazam flat out ignored when they were told they had drawn a canonically brown man with skin way too light. Not even a lone text post saying ‘hey anon, i dont agree with you’ or ‘hey anon im sorry it wont happen again’. Nothing. No word, no opinion.

And with this situation going on with them evading responsibility, I can’t say I’m fully surprised.

And, yet another thing. People had expressed concern over the fact they had drawn their Flower Kid, who is 17, in very intimate and close positions with Dr. Habit. It included nuzzling faces, cuddling in bed together, wearing his coat...

And they did hear the claims this time. As of now, their Flower Kid is 24, according to them.

Except... They do not look 24. At. All.

this is a 12 year old. at best. short body, stubby legs, big head. those are all attributes of a very young character, usually children. like, legitimately, thats how childrens anatomy is in real life. the younger the person, the bigger their head is in proportion to their body.

We have already had an adult trying to justify drawing their flower kid who barely looked like an adult if at all in intimate situations with Habit. Let’s not let it slide by again.

And yes, I’m aware Pazam claims that those pictures were not supposed to be interpreted as romantic, ‘only platonic fluff’ and that they intend to keep it that way, but I have talked to my boyfriend who is a survivor and he said it very well could be a case of someone just trying to cover their tracks.

BUT, all that being said, maybe this one particular instance could be just us being wary. Still, it does not diminish all that they have done, specially ignoring the whitewashing claims.

What you are going to do with this information, I do not know. Maybe you don’t care and will keep reblogging their content. Maybe you’re disgusted by them. But I’m just here to give you the facts. Personally though, I’m not willing to give them much of a chance after the way they’ve behaved. They are 24 years old, three years older than me, and I think I could do a better job of handling a situation like this, frankly.

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

fr fr i dont kno im just sad again xoxo.. ive just spent weeks at this point with my sleep all fuckd up, and my head all fuckd up and i cant manage to do anythin at all. i just sit up and fuckn stare at the wall until i pass out again .   feel lonely feel like shit. jst wish i could fuckn manage anythin but i genuinely fuckin cant i cant even try at anyhting any more im just so fuckn broken down  . and i know , i know its not worth it bc even when i do manage to d literally anyhtign its jsut... so, so pathetically insignificant and its just drowned out instantly..... and i wish the world would just stop  turning but it fuckn wont . im just getting further away from ebverything, spending my fuckn time crying and tryin not to fucking off myself and for WHAT for WHAT man bc its not foing to spent doin anything worthwhile.... just reduced to fuckn shell and im wasting more of it away and fucking everything up bc i cant do anything!! no matter how hard i try its jsut all so fucking worthless, and im so alone, and i cant fight for any of it man i jsut want to die. i just want to fuckin die!  and i just wish it mattered do u kno wht i mean. i wish it mattered tht it all sucked, at least, but it doesnt it never does .... i fuckn cry like this every night for years and  never fuckn changes andi jsut think man. i jsut think. abt wht its paid off to try staying alive. i think abt killing myself as a miserable 12 y.o , and i think abt killing myself now as a 20 y.o old and there isnt a single lick of difference. those 8 years burnt away and meant nothing man.  nothing at all. it wouldnt have mattered if i disappeared then and it wont matter now . it really fuckn wont . i could wlk in front of a train and it wont mean anythin and it wont mean anythin tht i bothered to live .it was just as worthless as i felt it all was  and i dot know man. i dont kno. everyone alwyas says theyre sad like this and depressed btu i just feel so fucking hollow bc it just feels like ... even then they at least have friends or at they least have soemhing and im just . not anything . at all . and i just sit here. and stare at walls and cry and hit myself  . there is ntohing to comfort urself with... theres no reason to wnt to be alive bc there genuinely just is nothing there for me and i dotn know. i dotn kno. i cant do anyhting man. i cant  and whtn i say tht i cant i really mean i cant. i cant read i cant watch shit i cant do anyhing i can barely manage it without breaking down any more i cant even do the most bare basic fucking shite without fucking collapsing in on myself an di dont know wht the point is. why fight for tht. why man . and i jsut. again i feel so fucking lonely and m just fucking mad as fucking hell right now  and (cry scream noise) i dnt kno wht to do with myself . i dont kno wht to do . u kno when u sit there and try to think abt other times u’ve been sad. try to think of it and think of it getting better . but then you realise it never did. nothing ever changed. ur the same lonely and isolated as u were back then as you are now. u still feel all the same horrible feelings. you try but it doesnt change. doesnt go away. u wish u werent still bitter, but u cant move past anyhting bc ever since its just. h, and it doesnt seem to matter wht u do. it just fucking stays like tht. i  dotn know i jsut wnt to feel like im alive in some capacity but i jsut fuckn sit alone and talk to myself and cry for days  and its so pathetic and  i have to go for antoehr appointment next week bt i jsut want to skip it man. its so pointless  its jst so fuckn pointless i just fckn wnt to die i cant face any of it i cant take any of it and its so , so barren. it really is just all so fucking barren. i dont kn this is so stupid do u ever jsut sit there and stare at eveyrne else and theyre so colourful and thy have things tht mean stuff to threm and ur just sat there sobbing bc everythin just fuckn . gggod i dont know. when ppl ask wht u do. wht u like. and theres just ntohing there. i think abt all the shit and its just to distract myself and id otn care do u kno wht i mean. and i jsut.. i dont know i just. E

[gayspock]

dont rb / rply

u kno when u wish sth would be a comfort, tht sth would be alright, but literally......... any conceivable thing that can be said to you simply makes it al feel worse.... & you’ve een over it all, more times than anyone....... & it’s not irrational at all tht point; you’re left with the total rational & undeniable conclusion tht ur right to be this miserable & you should just fucking die.  u kno wht i mean. i dont fucking knwo i hatehte fact cant even fucking manage the bare minimum and for what like do u kno wht i mean fucking suffer, miserably, and for what- for what purpose would u have trying to keep alive? what life are u going to have? were it good, you’d still question whether it was worth it; but you know -deep down- the best u can muster is a hollow fucking numbness, and thts not worth it. it isnt worth it to try really hard for whats ultimately fucking nothing . i dotn know every single day its just trying to distract myself & am sick of it am so fucking sick and tired of bothering to achieve just a fucking semblance of coherent thought & trying not to meltdown and the pay off is literally just vacancy and ultimately shallow nothing . meanwhile everything is still rotten and im still a nothing and a failure and it was for nothing and if anything its worse- bc all of tht was jsut another day wasted, another day not fucking dead ... u kno.....  am getting mad miserable again just looking at ppl & wishing i could just have some semblance of  afucking life tht i gave a shite abt. but knowing i cant fucking do tht or manage any of it and just lapse back into sobbing again and again and again on repeat. and the world keeps moving & its getting further and further away .... & its weird bc it jsut feels like ive been nothing for years at this point, i havent done anyhting foryears and years , i’ve just been trying to cope and i dont know why or what fucking for at this point . its always i’ll try and do it when im better but im never better and its just getting worse! and worse! and reality slips further & further  but whats the difference between one unachievable goal and another more unachievable goal in the end like idlk am i really more alone than i wa sbefore am i REALLY more of a failure am i REALLY more miserable bc im quite fucking sure it doesnt fucking matter bc none of it was salvageable in the first place and idk i wish there was just something sometimes but if there was then this wouldnt be a fuckingproblem i guess i just wish something felt worth it, that at least one thing could be comforting,  but none ofit is and all i do is sit and cry about it and fucking plan and plan and plan allt hese stupid details & trying to work out exactyly how i can go without being found, because i cant stand that eventuality , but i never do i dont ever do anything  not even that bc what am i but tht, a failure & i’ll fail in that regard to and fuck it up too, that itself is too real and idk i dont know wht im going to do and i dont want to be here in another 5 or 10 years the same place i was 5 or 10 years ago which is exactly right here, wishing i was just dead and wonderig why im holding on and just praying it gets better because i know it wont i really just hope i’ll be fucking dead by the end of the year at best you know like god im jsut miserable in generalman do u ever just sit there and stare at ppl all just all colourful and living their lives and being happy and realise u resent everything youve ever done and theres nothing tht can do tht for you and ur just stupid and bad at everything and its not even a fun, oh at least i had fun, bc u never did u were just trying and praying it might fucking come  i dont fucking know i dont fucking know trying to do any of it any more just reminds me of it all and makes me fucking meltdow i just dont care who the fuck cares not i not i who gives a shite bro

[gayspock]

dont rb dont rply

m so fuck ing sick and fucking tire d with Some People(tm) and i know that isnt  fuck ing fair i know it isnt fucking f air i just. ggod i dont fucking know i know im jsut mad at myself and im mad at myself for n ot being enough for not being fucking goo d enough and i know im FUCING stu pid god i fucking really do i know im a fucking. fpofksdf. and its stupid and it s sselfish to get Mad at p eople then when they treat me for wha t ia m but i literally. you know when youre just so So fuck ing tired of just feeling so idiotic and worthless and hhehy MY FUCKING faault for just. fufkking being that way but m god if i dont. i now they don fucking owe me jack shit i know peopl e fucking don t bbut. you know when HELL i’d fuckin love it like. i dont even fcking want your ass to Care i’d just ador e it if you’d stop fucking talking to me in the most revoltingly patronising manner and dragging the fac t im a fucking worthless idiot through the fucking Mud repeatedly in front of my fucking f ace like i KNOW and  i KNOW you see me like that but jsut god leave me the fuck alone id much rather be fucking alone than fuck ing. jesus!!!!! fucking christ man.   

im also highke y done with some pepople fucking pretending to fucking c are when tis fucking obvious they dont give half a god damn fucking Shi t. like theyll fucking prof ess it constant ly but when it bo ils down to it youre too fucking stupid and idiotic and dont know sh it and nothing you a ctually think is worth a damn allyour eveyrthing FUCKIGN IDIOT and wont even lis ten to whats wrong just fucking sh ove down youyr fucking throat  right and wwrong andits clear the only fucking thing they wanted is to fee l good about themselves in some roundabout w ay and ye t again yrue nothing but  fuckin d sutpid id iot for thinking you re REALLY WORTH A DAMN dime because good evenin again its tha ttie when i lie down and curl up and cr y about how fucking much of a stupdi piece of shit i can be to repeatedyl fucking think im eve r fucking worth something like whens my ass gonna fucking le arn its le sson properly and realise  im nothing like my pare nts dont even  thi nk im worth a damn for christ s ake why do i so stupidly fucki ng think people are my damn frien d when i know in all actu ality im jsut there until someone who actually means sth comes along liek god am i fucking jacass idiot i wanna die im so . like i dont fucki snofisdiofss

[gayspock]

dont rb dont reply

slike what can you do i can fucking Run from it even more i can pretend like its Not A Thing but the reality of the fucking situation is a big old: Welp. like there’s really nothing i can fucking do and nowhere i can fucking go and who Cares i should just die but i never fucking do fucking. dumbass fucking Idiot dumbass me and i dont know man i dotn fucking kno m just. a joke i know im just a fucking joke and slike. who doesnt fucking th ink that???

man i dont know m fucking just sobbing and i keep fucking writing bi g fucking. rants stupid fucking rants like its gonna change anything like its going to Fucking Matter and i know it wont i know it wont but Bursting and i jssut. i odnt know what im just 

like m just Mad and upset and yknow when you just. Wish you werent a fucking joke. wish you were like... i dont even know if it ufkcing  makes sense. yknow when u just wish u were Equal to everyone else- you werent so fucking det ached, and you weren’t so. Inferior. slike man m jsut. sic k and fuck ing tired of eveyrone fuck ing rub bing in my face how fucking wor thless i am and slike. half the time they dont even fucking realise theyre doing it??? and i cant SSay anything because i know it doesnt matter i know ym fucking word is Zero i know it and i hear it in their fucking voice that they think everything that comes out my mouth is stupid fucking hors eshit. i hate it whne the people that “”Care”” think  im nothing but a delusional fucking wreck and dont even lis t en to a god damn fucking Thing tha t i ahev to say, because all my thoughts Ever fucking are to them  - everything that i am  - is complete and utt er fucking garbage nonsense because im stupid, and they know be tter and what does anyhting i fucking say even Mean because im so worthless. and i know im fuckin worthless because God Knows they aint fucking. treat me like i fucking am and im not saying i dont deserve it?? because i probably do. like if everyone acts like that then it isnt them thats he problem. im comfortable with the fact its me and my fault and i dont know but maybe im not because im so fuck ing upset all the fucking tiem about it and i cant just take it i have to be a brat and i have to fucking cry constantly about not being Enough about being so fuck ing small and pathetic and i dont know man ifucking

i wish i’d just kill myself i wish i Did all the fucking time or i wish i’d ran away before properly not just come crawling back when i was scared im a fucking idiot for thinkin there was anything back here and i know theres nothing anywhere but i dont fucking know i dont fucking know i’d love a fucking bullet in my skull right about know and slike man man man i jsut fucking so sick of jsut existng m so sick of jsut . being Here and tangible and having too Breathe and exist and on top of that m so sick of my self i just fucking want to strangle my self iGOD i jsut wanna hit myself so so fucking bad i feel fucking sick i wanna Vomit and yknow when ur just. gettng stressy and upset at your own fucking body just fucking feeling the MADDENING impulse to fucking rip it and chip away Bit by fuckig Bit because its horrible its ha Horrible thing to exist im fucking stupid im so so fucking . im so mad at everything that i am like yknow when youre just like- why cant you be something worthwhile for once why did you HAVE to be so fucking incomepetent so ntohing so fucking worthless, why is it that no mtter howw hward you try you fucking get nowhere and get nothing and no one fucking gives a shit REALLY not really youre an idiot and everyone can taste it and thats aaaalll you are [wwooooowowoowowoowowowoow] DARN my fuckign. like i fucking know i know i know mmjsut.    sssssssss