#i mean i suppose if i were ganglier and more breastless it might feel less urgent to display what little bone structure i do have | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aeide-thea · 5 years ago

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went looking for plain embroiderable tees and hit a very scoopnecked one at which point i got sidetracked by my ongoing resentment at having to choose between baring collarbone and binding, like, @ my body what is UP with yr refusal to support the Androgynously Nubile Youth message i yearn to broadcast, rude tbh!!!

#i mean i suppose if i were ganglier and more breastless it might feel less urgent to display what little bone structure i do have #but idk. this is a very specific thing that i have repeatedly gotten specifically mad about & will probably continue to #sorry to give you the‚ like‚ bullet point version of this post‚ i started to do a more elaborate writeup and lost patience #embodiment (is violence)#what is gender we just don’t know #a lot of the time it seems to be 'getting mad abt being unable to wear boy clothes the way i want'#it's just all so frustrating bc like. objectively there is nothing wrong with 'strong sleek sturdy pointy-titted pear-shaped' as bodies go!#i have even been known to like those qualities as sported by other people!#but they continue to be a source of impotent frustration bc they feel like the reason i can't achieve a vibe that feels Correct #even though i don't actually know what Correct would be??#not not j**y b*t*y tbh #although i probably am meant to be shorter than that and i'm not SURE about chest hair? kind of suspect i'd learn to dig it if i had it tho #but like. soft big-eyed boy feels maybe right. for gender-ambiguous values of boy. idk idk idk.#ughhhhhh. sry 2 tag spiral. sure wish i could work out whether i'd miss this body if it were different!!#definitely possible!! like honestly in my more morose moments i think 'maybe the actual gender was the dysphoria we learned along the way'#or—to put that less meme-ily—that what i actually want is to have my cake and eat it too‚ or rather‚ to sometimes have it & sometimes eat it #which is not‚ alas‚ how bodies actually work #one lad's nb experience: longing for a version of embodiment that doesn't & can't exist #just really want never to get gendered except in specific ways by specific people i trust and love #and sometimes to be strong-muscled hammer swinger & sometimes to be Lanky Youth & maybe sometimes even‚ once in a great while‚ to be softer #by which i mean something in a vaguely girl-direction but also not exactly. i don't know. the body i have but with meaning i choose.#lots of impossibilities.#:/.#(sure would love to have progressed beyond this indecisive unhappiness to some Definite End Goal after years of feeling this way!!)

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