#i mean i personally think self-shipping is like. weird. but its not like. immoral.

[landoffreaksandfrogs]

Do you think it's weird to be romantically attracted to your pre-scratch self, or do you think the signless only platonically hates kankri? Better yet, does kankri think it's problematic to be romantically attracted to your pre-scratch self?

[helisol]

dude im not sure you will get it after reading this either, but you Can read it now

okay so first of all do not expect me to adhere to rules of grammar or Proper capitalisation, I am writing from the heart

so it’s been said before by other people but if Quark and Odo didnt look like the aliens that they are but instead like two regular prettybois the fandom would do cartwheels over their dynamic and Not call them a crack ship. because really, their dynamic fucking SLAPS and I’m here to tell you Why.

their surface-level dynamic is “Respected and Talented Security Chief and Cunning Immoral Businessman who are in Love but pretend not to be” and that's just an off-brand version of enemies to lovers! which is excellent and for some people that’s all you really need to get invested in a ship.

but some people look at it and go “Hm, no, that’s not enough. I mean, they work as friends but it doesn’t really have to be romantic.” and to that I say you are Absolutely Valid, not everything has to be romantic.

it just so happens that these two fuckers have one of the most compelling romance stories ever, and it’d be a shame not to explore it.

so before I dive into the internalised homophobia and repression, I’d like to take a moment to talk about Quark as a character.

because if you have brainworms like me you can kind of see that its an honest to god greek tragedy.

this guy comes from a race of people where being kind, ethical and fair is considered Abnormal and Horrifying. and I’m not gonna call Quark out of all people kind, ethical or fair but,,, 

you ever notice how he’s A Much Better Person Than Pretty Much All Other Ferengi?

dont get me wrong, Quark is still a bastard, but every once in a while his True Character shines through. and I say True Character because guys,,, the way he behaves around other people is an Act. he’s pretending to be something he’s not.

he has to try so hard to be a good ferengi it’s honestly painful to watch at times. because he is a SHIT ferengi! 

he loves his friends- because that's what the ds9 crew are. they’re his friends! and it makes him miserable because that's not! normal! for a ferengi!

let’s compare Quark and Rom for a second. 

Quark reeks of self loathing because a lot of the time he just Doesn’t act like a ferengi is supposed to, and this drives a lot of conflict in the show. he knows how a ferengi should act, it’s just that he can’t!! fucking!! do it!! but he still tries and tries to fit into that mold, which straight up ruins his life on multiple occasions.

Rom is also not a Model Ferengi, but he lives without hating himself. and it’s mostly because he doesn’t care about how a ferengi Should act, he’s loved and cared for even when everybody knows that he’s a shit ferengi! because his non-ferengi-ness works to his benefit. it encourages and highlights his abilities as an engineer. the success and love he finds make it easy for him to be content with his true self. Unlike Quark, who doesn’t get unconditional love from anyone.

its so!! tragic!! because you can see what Quark is really like!! his true self!! he’s a nice guy who cares for people!

its right there all the time and it's so blatantly obvious. especially in episodes like “Body Parts”, “Bar Association”, “The Way Of The Warrior” and “Ferengi Love Songs”

his own wiki page literally calls him “a compassionate and generous man by ferengi standards” which pretty much translates to “not really a good ferengi”.

anyway so Quark is a tragic figure or whatever but we’re actually here for the REPRESSED! HOMOSEXUAL! TENDENCIES! that he and Odo both exhibit.

with characters like garak you don’t really need to have brainrot to pick up on those tendencies, because that was something andrew robinson chose to do, on purpose. 

and to be fair, Quark wasn’t intended to be Any kind of representation, not even by the actor. I’m just pointing out that he Does look and act and talk like a little gayman.

I will admit that he is Painfully Straight in the text of the show, but on a meta level he’s just. a dude who has a serious case of repressing his real personality. and taking it a step further- he also represses his feelings towards another man.

and that man is Odo.

a few things on him:

Odo is literally desperate to be a person. unlike Quark, who at least has the comfort of belonging to a society of people with a set of rules and expectations, Odo has never met anyone or anything like him in all his years of life.

like, we all know Odo basically grew up in a lab, right? 

with people who didn’t know anything about him. who he was so unalike that they literally called him “Nothing”

but he still learned to look and talk and act like them (because if he didn’t he’d feel *pain* which is very fucked up by the way?)

so we know for a fact that Odo wants to be recognised as a person- which is why he tries really hard to conform to the ideals of the society that raised him. instead of exploring his nature as a shape shifter he maintains a humanoid form, picks up a job and creates an entire personality around what he wants to be seen as. but not what he really is.

and that's the thing that causes all the conflict between Quark and Odo. the type of person odo wants to be seen as is the polar opposite of whatever the fuck quark wants to be seen as.

In the same way that Quark acts like a Normal Ferengi, Odo acts like a Normal Security Officer.  and in a cruel twist of fate, the Ferengi happens to be the antithesis of the Security Officer.

If you only look at them as the things they act like, and not the things they are, you might say they’re way too different to like each other, right? 

but,,, if you think about the fact that they’re both putting on this act,,, this performance of idealised versions of themselves,,, you can see that they are The Same. They Are Both Gay Repressed Loser Aliens Who Try To Act Like Things That They Aren’t!

Imagine you’re Odo. 

Imagine that you’re Nothing, because you’re not like anything anyone has ever seen- and because you are Nothing you don’t fall in love with anyone for years and years. since who could love something that isn’t like them at all?

But then one day this Thing shows up in your path and you just hate it. Because it’s not like anything *you* have ever seen. It’s disorderly and looks grotesque and it’s criminal to boot.

It’s all the things you learned would make a “Bad Person” It’s everything you aspire not to be, because if you were any of those things you would BE PUNISHED.

But the trouble is, eventually he’s not an “it” anymore, he’s “Quark” and you see him every day of your miserable little life because you live on the same damn station in space and it’s hard to avoid each other.

He also happens to be one of the only things in your life that are constant. He will never leave because he is stubborn and greedy and you just *hate him so much* that you’re convinced he must be doing all of it to spite you. And yet you also can’t seem to leave him alone.

So Odo Must Hate Quark. everything else is a non sequitur for him. he can’t not hate Quark.

because Quark is, and i’m sincerely sorry to apply christian fucking imagery to this, The Forbidden Fruit.

If he liked quark he’d admit some kind of moral failing. it would be the end of his act. but on the other hand...it might be a good thing, because at least he could have quark.

but Odo can never go through with biting into this apple because the consequences are horrifying to him. he could never have quark because, according to his performance, he would Never like quark to begin with.

and here’s a take for you: Odo's Brand Of Internalised Homophobia Doesn't Stem From Heteronormativity. It Stems From The Fact That He Was Kind Of Assigned Asexual At Birth.

and the show sort of alludes to this, for real! not just subtext! canon! except the writers used the wrong person. 

because instead of Odo having these Forbidden Feelings for Quark he has them for,,, Kira.

but since this is My Quodo Manifesto you’ll understand that i am 100% willing to just toss that part of canon out the airlock.

so Odo does canonically have that mindset of “no one could ever love me”  for decades he repressed any and all feelings of love to avoid getting hurt. in the show he breaks this cycle of repression when he takes a chance and enters a relationship with Kira. yay?

but we all know that aint it chief. and part of the reason why That Ship Ain’t It is the fact that Quark is Right There. and he is simply the more interesting choice for odo.

he and Odo literally share the same problem and have weird intertwined character arcs! they are both dreadfully afraid of not conforming to the ideal versions of themselves, so they reject everything that could challenge their Performance!

on some fucked up level they hate each other *and* themselves individually. and this hatred makes them reject parts of their real identities for the sake of protecting their image. which. yknow. in gay people. is internalised homophobia!

so you can see that they’re both repressing A Lot even if you view them as Friends, but the most important thing in this kind of romantic dynamic is usually,,, when the characters *stop* repressing.

and the thing is. the thing that Kills Me with these two. They Never Get That Moment. Thats Why You Need The Brainrot To See Them As Romantic.

The Ascent gives us an example of what happens when they both take their act too far. I mean, who could forget “Fascist!” and “Fraud!” That is what odo thinks of quark’s performance and vice versa, but we don’t really hear them adress the fact that they *are* playing these roles to a ridiculous extent.

We also never get an example of what would happen if they dropped their act instead of over-performing it. or rather we don’t get to see both of them drop it.

And the reason why we never get that moment is because there’s this one key difference between Quark and Odo. 

Quark knows that he’s constantly repressing his true nature and his feelings for odo. We pretty much hear him say so in the iconic root beer scene in Way Of The Warrior. he knows that he’s not a good ferengi but he keeps up his act.

So quark is aware enough to feel that sweet sweet self loathing. But Odo isnt self loathing as much as he is just self sabotaging.

and this subtle difference between them is why, at the very end of the show, we get “That man loves me, can’t you see? It was written all over his back!”

this moment is quark dropping his act and asking odo to do the same. he wants to hear a genuine Goodbye from him because they have known each other for Decades and they are Friends. but odo is so unable to express the feelings he’s been repressing all these years. that he self sabotages again and just walks away.

even though this is like. very anticlimactic. considering I just spent 2000 words talking about how Odo and Quark are Most Certainly Gay For Each Other.

The fact that their ending is so Weird is the reason why quodo is so engaging and appealing to me? especially post-canon quodo.

like, the amount of “what if’s” this ship has are Astounding.

What if either of them had dropped their act a little sooner? What if they both did, for just a moment, and it was the straw that breaks the camels back?

What if Odo comes back after a few years? What if Quark comes to get him?

What if, in that moment in the finale where Quark drops his act, Odo had returned the gesture? What if Gag-Reel Quodo Kiss.gif Real?

with the depth that I read into their relationship, those what ifs are really fun to think about.

anyway its 1 am and i’m not an english major so literary analysis is not like, my strong suit. plus most of this was written in a late night screaming session with a friend who has the exact same opinions as me. i just think aliens hot and in love. thats all.

[thesenesx]

Some “Loki” thoughts because I finally figured out why the Loki series falls flat for me:

Loki’s emotional epiphany happens in episode 1, which means he has nothing to learn by the final episode.

(now don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy the series, I love the cast, the music and the general vibes, it just felt like 70% good)

I knew it was inevitably going to be strange to catch up post-Avengers Loki with everything that happens in the following films, but that’s not the problem. Sure, Loki seeing Frigga die and then seeing himself die would make him want to give up becoming King of Asgard because that’s not what he needs. But he accepts his flaw straight away, without going on an emotional journey. As a result, he has no driving force for the rest of the series. He already knows that he causes chaos because he’s “desperate for control”.

So of course his character is going to seem inactive throughout the series because he doesn’t need anything. It would have been more satisfying for him to be in denial and fight for that superficial goal (whether that be take over the TVA or escape the TVA), only to realise that he needs to accept that he is not destined for greatness, he just wants to be loved.

If we got Loki telling Sylvie in the last episode that he does everything because he is just scared and wants control, it would have had more emotional resonance. It would also be something Sylvie needs to hear as well, which would tie their character arcs together.

This is also the reason why him and Sylvie don’t work. I should say, no I don’t ship it and no I’m not about the puritan “it’s immoral�� mindset, I just think selfcest is weird because its a specific fetish. But ignoring all that, the reason why the relationship between Loki and Sylvie feels under-developed is because it’s unclear what Sylvie represents for Loki and vice versa. What is Loki missing that Sylvie has or what does Loki offer that Sylvie needs?

Having Loki fall in love with himself is a very on-the-nose allegory for self-acceptance. Undoubtedly I think their connection or dependency on each other is great because for Loki it’s like he gets a second chance to be the supportive figure for “himself” that he never had. I think the writers made it romantic because in the West, we believe that romantic love is greater than other forms of love and is more easily (or should I say more commonly) represented on screen, ie. a kiss scene tells the audience “oh yea they’re in love” as opposed to more subtle ways.

Additionally, I think the whole argument that Loki is just a side character in his own show is somewhat true, I just don’t agree that making Sylvie an active player in the narrative is the problem. They are very similar characters, with similar fears/beliefs/personalities. Even though they are variants of the same person, they are too similar, considering we had other Lokis that did have different behaviours and goals. I think ramping up Sylvie to be the person Loki could have become if he persisted down a self-hating path could have distinguished them a bit more. It’s only in the final episode that the two have competing goals, when Loki should have had a stronger motivation throughout the series to make Sylvie a good foil for him. Even though this is meant to be a character study for Loki, he’s never really tested in a way that exposes how flawed and sad he really is beyond the first episode.

But I think main reason why the Loki series doesn’t feel 100% there is because it has the same failing as the other shows. They’re not actually self-contained character-driven shows, they’re just set-up for phase 4.

[infinite-xerath]

Thoughts on Sentinel and Ruined Skins

Alright, I plan to give my full thoughts on the entire event once it’s over, but for the time-being, I wanted to give my general thoughts on each skin so far. I’ll be putting this under a read-more for convenience.))

So I guess I’ll start by saying that I like the concept of the event as a whole, though I’ve got some gripes (as do many) with who was chosen to partake. I think, having played through the VN up to its current point, that they do a decent job justifying most of the characters who get Ruined/recruited. That said, it does annoy me that they didn’t even go all-in on the concept; one Sentinel and one Ruined champ per region could have been great, but then there are some regions that don’t even have one of each.

So yeah, in addition to giving my overall thoughts on each existing skin, I also wanna touch on who else I think could have been included.

Sentinel Vayne: In my opinion, the best Sentinel skin of the lot. Not only does it look good (arguably better than her original design) but Vayne is a natural fit for the Sentinels. She already devotes her life to hunting monsters and dark magic, so it absolutely makes sense that she would join up at least until the Ruination is dealt with.

Ruined Shyvana: I wasn’t so sure about this one at first, but I’ve warmed up to it now that we know how Viego’s possession works. Taking the worst aspects of someone’s personality and bringing them to the forefront? Yeah, go figure that Shyvana would give into her monstrous side and resentment for being persecuted almost every day of her life. You could argue that there were better picks, but hey, better Ruined Shyvana than yet another Lux skin, right?

Sentinel Olaf: While not my first choice, I can’t deny that it works in the long-run. The dude already has a history of fighting the undead in his endless quest to find a worthy foe capable of slaying him, and of course the Ruined King seems like a suitably worthy opponent for Olaf to go up against. That being said, I feel like we should have gotten a Ruined Champ from the Freljord as Olaf’s rival, rather than it just being Vex. I don’t mind Vex appearing when she did to have us encounter her for the first time, but she should have had a Ruined champ to help her, which leads me to...

Ruined Tryndamere: Come on, this one’s obvious. There are a few characters in the Freljord that might have fit the Ruined theme, but none more-so than Tryndamere, I think. The guy’s already got a whole thing about controlling his rage and trying to use it as a force for good in the Avarosa tribe. Imagine Viego corrupting Tryndamere and causing all of that primal fury to just explode forth. Plus, come ON Riot, Olaf vs Tryndamere. Battle of the Berserkers. Frankly, it’s absurd to me that Olaf hasn’t tried fighting Tryndamere already, given that they’re both too angry to die. He HAS to have at least heard about the Barbarian King, right?

Sentinel Riven: Honestly, this one is interesting to me. With the other Sentinels, we all kind of know/expect that they’ll return to normal once the event is over and go back to their status quo. Riven feels like an exception. As she stated herself in the event: she’s a wanted criminal in Noxus and it’s not exactly like she’d be super welcomed back in Ionia. She joins the Sentinels because she has nowhere else to go and no other cause to fight for once freed from Draven’s arena. Aside from Vayne, Riven feels like the one who’d most likely stay with the Sentinels once the event is over, even though I know that probably won’t happen. Still, I like her inclusion, all-in-all.

Ruined Draven: Honestly, not the one I would have picked. I mean, it’s just Draven. Absolutely nothing has changed from him being Ruined. Granted, I do think it’s absolutely hilarious that Draven’s worst version of himself is already just himself, an egotistical prick who craves attention, but there are way better picks in Noxus to see getting Ruined. I mean, the event teaser showed Darius getting possessed, and I think there’s a lot more to work with there. Also, am I the only one that thinks that Ruined Draven feels redundant when Soul Reaver Draven is already a thing?

Sentinel Diana: So this one I have some complicated feelings about. On one hand, it makes sense that Diana would join the fight against the undead for the sake of the Lunari. On the other, it feels like MOST of the Aspects should be getting involved with this. I mean, the VN has her say that the other Aspects ARE fighting the Undead all over Targon, but then you’d think we would wanna go and recruit them as well. Seriously, Taric? WTF are you, Protector? Also, Diana needing a Sentinel weapon is weird since we already confirmed that the Mist doesn’t like Celestial magic, but... Eh, the blade she gets is cool, I guess.

Ruined Pantheon: And here comes the controversial one... Right, so like many, I did not care for this skin. In fact, I still have reservations about it. I DO like that it is actually Ruined PANTHEON, because yeah, the Black Mist turns dead things undead. Go figure it could bring back the remnants of the war god lingering in Atreus. That’s a really cool idea, but there’s absolutely an argument to be made that it fucks with Atreus’s whole character arc and makes his seemingly indomitable will look like a joke... But hey, Viego himself said that he’d never be able to take a proper Aspect, which absolutely tracks, which kinda makes Atreus the only Targonian champion he COULD defeat and corrupt.

Sentinel Irelia: To be frank, not too much to say about this one. Irelia’s entire character motivation is defending her homeland against invaders, and... Yeah the undead definitely count as invaders. While someone like Shen probably would have been a better recruit for the Sentinels, Irelia works just fine.

Ruined Karma: And heeere’s another controversial one. Yeah, Karma is not the one I would have chosen. Honestly, just about anyone else from Ionia would have been a better fit for Ruination. Ruined Pantheon can be justified by the dead war god coming back and taking over Atreus’s body again, but Karma and her vessel Darha should have absolutely been able to resist it... And they kind of do. In the event, we actually do see Karma switching back and forth. She’s the only one we’ve seen fight back against Viego long enough to revert to her normal self, at least for a time. In fact, the implication that Darha is being corrupted while the entity of Karma itself fights back is neat. Still, I would have preferred Ruined Zed or something along those lines.

Sentinel Graves: OK, I love this skin. I don’t love the context around it. First of all, the fact that he’s the Sentinel for Piltover is dumb. Graves is from Bilgewater, and should have been the Sentinel we recruited there. I also don’t care for how Twisted Fate is completely missing and never even referenced from his story. Like, OK, Graves fled Bilgewater because it was already overcome with Harrowing. Fine. But... Did he just leave TF behind? If so, why does he have Fate’s blue card? There’s so much we’re missing here. I love that he’s joining just because he’s got a bone to pick with Viego, but Graves should have been the choice for Bilgewater. As for who should be the Piltover Sentinel? Well...

Sentinel Jayce: Think about it. Jayce is a character who’s had nothing to do in the Piltover/Zaun lore for ages. He already considers himself a hero and a defender of Piltover. Plus, imagine what a Sentinel version of his hammer would be like! Hell, Jayce’s whole conflict with Viktor revolves around their opposing beliefs around free will. Of course he’d have a word or two to say about the Ruined King, who’s running around and stripping people of their free will! On that note..

Ruined Viktor: Absolutely a perfect fit for Ruination. Under Viego’s influence, he could deem undeath as the next logical step of evolution, casting aside the limits of flesh and emotion for a spectral form where one’s thoughts were dictated by a single, “superior” consciousness. It would be a perfect contrast for Sentinel Jayce, and besides: we’ve already seen a ghostly version of this concept with Death Sworn Viktor. If Draven gets two undead skins, why not? Plus, we know that the Harrowing can effect machines thanks to Legends of Runeterra, so... Yeah. Ruined Viktor. Let’s go.

Sentinel Pyke: Another controversial one. While I like the general idea behind it, frankly, I would have just left Pyke as he is. We already have him fighting the undead in the Ruined King game, and we know Nagakabouros power can hurt the undead; there was no real need for him to pick up Sentinel gear. Much as I love the line “Wraiths, wraiths are on the list,” I would have just made Graves the Sentinel rep for Bilgewater and called it there.

Ruined Miss Fortune: This one just sucks. It absolutely sucks. The Sarah Fortune I know would have never gone to such lengths merely for power, especially when she already rules most of Bilgewater at this point. Her various short stories show her doing a pretty damn good job stamping out the warring factions challenging her rule, and even if she decided that she needed some kind of supernatural leg up on the competition, it’s not like Bilgewater is lacking in magic. Also, the design sucks, turning her back into the sex icon that they’ve spent the last 7 years moving her away from. Ruined Fortune sucks. As for who SHOULD have gotten the skin instead...

Ruined Gangplank: Now HERE’S a pirate lord desperate for power. He lost his ship, he lost his fleet, he lost his throne, he even lost an arm. Gangplank has been struggling to regain control of Bilgewater ever since Burning Tides, and while we haven’t heard much of him recently, it can be safely assumed that he’s not making much progress with how much control Sarah currently has. Gangplank is absolutely ruthless enough and immoral enough to bargain with the Ruined King for power. Plus, think about it: he’s already been “reborn” once, so to him, Ruination probably wouldn’t even be that big of a deal.

Sentinel Rengar: All things considered, I like this one. Rengar, I think, has one of the best justifications for joining the Sentinels. When Rengar’s jungle is invaded by wraiths, Rengar finds himself faced with monsters that even his skills cannot take down. Yeah, these undead are worthy prey challenging his reign as the apex predator in Kumungu, and if the Viego is their alpha, then he’s the target to go for. Now, obviously he’s still got a hunt for Kha’Zix that has yet to be resolved, but let’s be honest: we’re never going to see that rivalry conclude, and this is the most lore relevance Rengar has had in ages. I’m for this skin, though of course we do still have the issue of who in Kumungu would be a good Ruined rival for him. On that note...

Ruined Zyra: Alright, here me out. Ixtal as a region doesn’t have that many characters, let-alone good candidates for Ruination. Perhaps the best and most obvious candidate would be Qiyana, but I take issue with this for a few reasons. Firstly, accepting Ruination for the power to rule is already something we’ve done with MF/GP, and second, I don’t think the Shadow Isles aesthetic works super well with her elemental-swapping gameplay. I chose Ruined Zyra because, well, Zyra already wants to spread her plants far and wide across Runeterra, and the Mist would be a great method for carrying seeds, not to mention making her offspring harder to prune. Not the most deep, but yeah, I think Ruined Zyra would have been a cool concept to work with.

Lastly...

Unbound Thresh: A mistake. I’ve already made my opinions on Thresh’s lore abundantly clear in my rewrite for him, and this skin just destroys any hope for his character for me. This sexy E-Boy is unquestionably the worst thing to come out of the whole event, and whatever Riot is planning to do with Thresh in the future, it does NOT justify this design. Plus, the whole idea that an undead character can become “unbound” is just dumb. Like, when has it ever been implied that Thresh himself was actually bound in any way? He’s one of the few Shadow Isles entities that can freely leave the Mist, at least for a time! Yeah, this skin was a mistake, but Riot has to cash in on the simps, I suppose.

Anyways, I’ll give my thoughts on the story itself once this is all said and done, but for now, these are my takes on the individual skins. Hope you all enjoyed hearing me ramble.

[serendipitous-magic]

a pro-shipper is someone who believes that any ship is okay because “fiction doesn’t affect reality” (including sensitive topics) and that there should be no “fandom police” telling them that it’s wrong. idk your last reblog had me a bit confused

I’ve never heard that phrase used before. No, I wouldn’t sort myself into that particular camp. However, I think the internet gets WAY too polarized about these things. Should people be romanticizing abuse or abusive relationships of any type? No, absolutely not. Ive always believed that fiction has a huge impact on reality (I’ve made posts about it before, but I’m on mobile rn so I’m too lazy to go find and link them), and the more people romanticize abuse in fiction, the more socially accepted it’s gonna become in real life. (See: all the studies about some of the the horrific effects of violent porn.)

However, I think the internet has somewhat lost its ability to differentiate between portraying something in order to explore or reflect upon a dark topic, and romanticizing or condoning that thing. Note how I said up there that people absolutely should not romanticize abuse. But if nobody ever made any kind of art or fiction that portrayed abuse, or any other kind of evil, how would we as individuals and as a society ever process, understand, or make progress? If we Disney-fy and bowdlerize every single thing, we will be an emotionally, morally, and philosophically stunted people.

I was actually just talking about this with a friend, perhaps I put it better there:

“Plus, people have this really weird assumption that portraying something in art in the same thing as.... doing it in actual real life? Which is absolutely ridiculous, not to mention damaging, because art and fiction have always been so much about exploring themes and thoughts and whatnot, and if you say "you must ONLY EVER explore MORALLY PURE things in fiction and never stray into dark or immoral subject matter!!!" ... that limits human thought and philosophy and morality SO MUCH.”

So, to address your ask:

“any ship is okay” nah, not exactly. I don’t support condoning, encouraging, or romanticizing abuse. (And to reference the post that started this, which I might link later when I’m not on mobile, “abuse” here of COURSE includes child abuse.) However, the internet really has to learn that portraying something is not tantamount to supporting or condoning it. If we were only ever allowed to make art about the things we supported or actually partook in, Agatha Christie would be the most accomplished serial killer of all time.

“There should be no fandom police” Actually yeah, I agree. Discussion board moderators and the like, for self contained fandom communities where there are built in guidelines? Yeah, sure. But fandom is a Wild West of art, fiction, and self expression. It’s a sandbox, as people have often described it. I’ll reference that earlier post again and say that if a fan feels that they need their hand held online, and they can’t blacklist tags, block content they don’t want to see, and manage their own fandom experience, then they’re probably too young to be unsupervised online. Again: this is not saying that “oh nazis are allowed to exist, just block them! :)” no. Obviously that’s different. But I think “fandom police” are entirely unnecessary. In my experience, such “police” operate very much like police in the real world: they don’t really make anything safer, they just harass people who are minding their own business.

Also, I don’t think people need “fandom police” to tell them what’s right or wrong. That’s just... I don’t want to be mean here, but that’s ridiculous. For one thing, if a fan genuinely needs a random internet stranger to come in and tell them “that’s morally wrong” in order to navigate morality, that fan is WAY too young to be unsupervised on the internet. For another thing, the idea that somebody (or multiple somebodies) should be tasked with going around decreeing moral value on various fandom trends and topics is just plain impractical. Who’s to say that person or those people are pure bastions of morality? It just doesn’t work that way.

Now, should people have constructive conversations about morality and ethics and philosophy, in and out of a fandom setting? Yes. Duh. That’s the only way human beings made it past the Paleolithic era as a species. And (again, because I feel like people are going to willfully misinterpret this), I’m not saying “oh absolutely any kind of behavior and any message and anything is fine because we all have different opinions uwu.” See the first paragraph. Punch Nazis, eat the rich, and spit in the face of racists, homophobes, and misogynists.

I’ll quote my conversation with a friend again because I feel like it really wraps up my thoughts here:

“Yeah the internet has really ruined the term "problematic." Nazis are problematic. Writing about nazis to explore themes of morality isn't problematic, it's a reflection on and exploration of morality and history. And people don't seem to be able to see the difference between those two things”

And finally, I really don’t see how “it’s your own responsibility to curate your fandom experience and filter out the things that make you uncomfortable; it’s everyone’s responsibility to properly tag and label content so it can be filtered and curated. It is not everyone else’s responsibility to restrict their art to your personal tastes.” ... is somehow equal to “everything is allowed and there are no moral restrictions or ethical code on the internet.” That’s a bit of a leap there.

[fbdo1986]

so idk if you’ve done it yet but #5 on that prompt list w ot3 i think wld be beautiful 🥺💞💖

I hi yes!!! i finally got to the actual first prompts you sent!!! thank you for this lovely lovely request!! i took a few liberties with how to interpret the prompt but i really hope you like it (it’s actually quite long, whoops!) 

so here it is! prompt #5: where it doesn’t hurt with the ot3! (yes, all three this time!) which i’ve aptly titled firestarter, after the haley blais song by the same name. (which i definitely recommend listening to while reading, it fits so well.) because it’s so long it will be after the cut!

I step back from the fire

I learned to keep my distance, the path of least resistance 

Cameron’s chest aches with the feeling it always has, he guesses. Or always had. It’s hard to tell the difference, or remember, when suddenly your present reality is much more memorable than the past. It’s pretty insufferable, in some ways, and certifiably pathetic in others. He doesn’t know how long he’s been like this, but it’s not going anywhere. That he knows.

It’s a million and one unhealthy, wounding adjectives all balled into one—that’s the consistent Cameron Frye experience as of late. Harsher, in the way they seep, much further than any of the words his father could spit at him. Yet, when all your brain seems programmed to do is to wish, incessantly, that you were kissing your two best friends every moment you’re with them, a response this cruel almost seems tame. He can mind the ache, but such an animalistic urge feels particularly unsettling.

It’s unbearable. Not their company, that’s always been the saving grace of the situation, but such a need. A sensation so physical, so innate, that his body begs for it, that it distracts him when he’s right in front of them, so much that he can barely stand sitting there sometimes, is too much to handle. 

And it worsens, every day, because now he’s not just hiding his feelings from them, but he’s hiding this too. And he’s never had anyone else. That’s the catch. He has them. It either stays inside, or it goes to them. The latter is an outright impossibility, but as the weight grows and grows, what choice does he have? Until he remembers. It’s a long shot, completely, but even such a fraction of hope takes a much needed weight off of his shoulders.

“You have to swear. Look, I don’t really need these types of precautions every day, but I need your complete and total confidence.” He looks Jeanie Bueller dead in the eyes from where he sits across from her. It’s funny, in a way. Jeanie is his oldest friend, aside from Ferris. And that he needs someone to keep a secret for him. He’s lucky, he doesn’t really have use for secret keepers after Ferris and Sloane start having that magical ability on him that makes him want to share the things he only kept for himself. Nowadays, his secrets are either his or they’re theirs.

“Jesus! What’s gotten into you?” Jeanie interrogates. “Barely any hello, and suddenly you’re getting all intense on me. Are you feeling alright?” Her brows furrow. 

“Yeah, Jean, I’m alright.” He tries to make himself relax, but it’s a fruitless task. “I just… I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this, and well, I trust you.”

“It’s about my brother, isn’t it?” She lays it on him bluntly. There’s no bullshitting Jeanie.

“How did you know?” His face reddens.

“It’s pretty easy to realize that if a guy can’t turn to his childhood best friend for something, it’s gotta be about him. Besides, I can be objective.” She smiles at herself for that one.

“I mean, it’s about Ferris… and Sloane.” That confuses her. As far as Jeanie knows, he goes to them with everything. She doesn’t think that there’s anything wrong with their friendship, they seem happy, so who is she to wonder? 

“Just… don’t get ahead of yourself just yet, okay? I’m trusting you with a lot here. Like, a lot.” Cameron hangs his head, defeated. “Just swear, okay?”

“Fine, fine. I’m swearing.”

“I mean, be serious here, Jeanie!” He leans forward, hands gripping the armrests of the chair he sits in tightly.

“I am being serious!” She blows out a breath of air sharply. “I’m sorry. I’m glad you trust me. You can trust me.”

His shoulders lower in a sigh. He’s satisfied, but that doesn’t stop the swirling pit of anxiousness that inhabits his stomach from reminding him of its presence. He thinks that maybe this is the first step to getting rid of the bullshit that’s made his life so much more difficult these past few weeks, so he’s got to be willing to let that process happen. The sooner he can let it out, the sooner he can start moving forward.

“I don’t even know where to start.” He’s already overwhelmed, and all signs really do point to abandoning ship.

“Wherever feels best,” Jeanie offers him in support. It’d be weird to try and offer a hand on his shoulder now, since there’s quite a few feet of space in between them, so she gives him a small smile instead.

A few moments pass where neither of them say anything. Quickly Cameron realizes he hasn’t even made up his mind of how much he wants to say, let alone where to begin. He doesn’t know if the beginning means the beginning, in which case the two of them will be here for a while. He thinks they might be anyway, because he’s absolutely stalling, so he just needs to say something. Anything.

“I need your help. Because… because part of this I can live with, and part of it I can’t. I’ll get to that, eventually, I guess.”

“Is everything okay? Are you guys okay?” She inquires. She means a fight, if they’ve fought. As though they need fixing up of broken pieces. He wishes it were that simple.

“Yeah, no, we’re fine. I mean, we’re not fighting or anything.” He’s awful at clarifying. “Fuck. You know what, no. I don’t want to put you through this. This is stupid.” He starts getting up from where he’s sitting.

“Come on, Cameron. You haven’t even told me what it is yet. I want to help you.” She looks at him solidly. Her eyes, the color of Ferris’s, reflect how genuine she is.

“Okay. No, you’re right.” He lowers himself back into his seat, and she does what Ferris does so well, communicating without saying anything. She’s leaning forward, her elbow propped on top of her knee, and her chin sits on top of her fist. He can hear it: ‘So…?’

A big breath in. “I’m in love with Ferris and Sloane. And I have been for months now.” He knows it’s been longer, but this is when he first started acknowledging it. “And, and I’m okay with that. I think. I’ve gotten used to sitting with it. I just… there are things that I’ve been experiencing recently… that aren’t as easy to deal with.” The same breath out. 

“So you were right. That was a lot.” Her voice raises, drawing out the phrase a bit.

Cameron covers his face out of embarrassment and dread. Jeanie flounders, trying to let him know what she means. “But that’s okay.” She breathes out a sigh, looking at him intently. She wants him to do the same. “What do you need help with?”

He follows her orders, breathing out. His pulse slows. “You don’t mind?”

She smiles at him. “Of course I don’t. There’s nothing wrong with loving someone. Even if it’s two people. So, let me in. What do you need?” 

“Basically…” He forces himself to get the words out quickly. “It’s gotten… bad. So bad that I… all I can think about is wanting to kiss them. It-it’s like I need to. Sometimes it gets hard to even just sit there. Like my body is begging me to do it. I can’t stand it.” Jeanie notices the way he’s digging at the fabric of his shirt, the way his eyes narrow in disgust as he looks inside himself.

He brings his eyes up to her finally, desperately. “I need you to help me get rid of that. That… feeling.” He clenches his fists.

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but something tells me that it’s gonna stay unless you deal with it. Plus, it’s kind of romantic. To love someone that much.”

“Yeah, sure. ‘Romantic’ is what keeps me awake at night in self hatred. It feels wrong. I feel wrong.”

“Cameron, please. You’re a really sweet guy. You’re not a creep, you’re literally trying to stop yourself from doing what you’re not sure they want. Don’t do that to yourself.”

“What choice do I have?” He’s desperate for a solution. 

“Telling them.”

“Yeah, right.” He scoffs. “The only way that would be a possibility is if I do it on April Fool’s Day and back out if they don’t reciprocate.”

“You know, that’d be kind of hilarious if I didn’t know you were serious.”A smile forms on her face, but it disappears just as quickly as it came. “But also kinda fucked up.” 

Cameron looks at her, eyes full of irritation and defeat.

“Look. I think the thing you should be most concerned about is just the fact that they’re in a relationship.”

“What’re you saying?”

“I’m saying, I think you’d have a pretty good chance with either of them if they were single.”

“Even Ferris?” He’s clueless as to how she can actually believe that. 

“Hey, contrary to popular belief, I’m not exactly up to date on my brother’s personal life. Especially who he’s going out with. That is completely none of my business. He does lots of stuff I don’t know about. The guy has no moral compass. He’s completely unburdened by the weight of modern society.”

Cameron’s heart skips a beat. “So you think it’s immoral?”

“Of course not! All I’m saying is Ferris doesn’t give two shits about what other people think of him. I’m pretty sure the only opinions he cares about are yours and Sloane’s.” 

“That’s funny. He did consult me before asking her out.”

“Did that… upset you?”

“I mean, no. I’m glad that he trusts my opinion that much. I couldn’t have him say no. I knew.”

“So that means you…”

“Had feelings for Sloane then? Yeah. I loved her since the moment I met her.”

“And Ferris?”

“That took longer, but… something told me, even then, I wanted him by my side forever.” He waves his hands in front of her suddenly. “Anyway, stop. You’re supposed to be helping me, remember? Not enabling me.”

“I’m offering you a solution. And if nothing else, giving you an outlet. Clearly you needed this.” All Cam can do is laugh, because she’s completely right. He runs his hands over his face.

“So listen. Not to the voice that wants you to hurt, but to what your body is telling you. That doesn’t mean you should go up to them and kiss them without warning, but your heart wants something. Now, I don’t want you to feel like I’m not taking your concern into account, because I understand that, but I don’t want to disregard me totally because the voice inside your head speaks to you more. It knows where you’re weak, and it feeds on that. Give your heart a try. Give them a try.”

A few moments of silence. “How can you be so sure?”

“I’m not. But I don’t want you to wallow in what’s only making you feel worse with absolutely zero hope. You deserve to love and be loved, and I know that out of anyone, you should choose it for them. You owe it to yourself. You do.”

“I’ll think about it.” Cameron fights a smile. “Thank you, Jeanie. I mean, really. Thank you.”

“Of course.” They get up from their places, and Jeanie can’t help but give Cameron a hug. It makes him laugh, and gives him a sense of stability he doesn’t realize he’s been craving.

So Cameron coasts along, the oppressive feeling his body is used to carrying is a little lighter. He jokes with himself, claiming that this is the cure, and now he has no need to worry. Yet deep inside, where little flames still lick at the embers, there’s the knowledge that this lightness has only come over him because there is something deeper inside that he’s now worried about releasing. And besides, it isn’t fool-proof. 

In fact, on a pleasant, spring day in April—he’s fully abandoned the plot for the first of the month—it burns more than ever. And honestly, anything, even the prospect of ruining everything, feels better than how mangled and wrong this feels. 

“Hi, guys.” It’s a weird way to start, but it’s all he has. He practiced lines for this, like a valiant actor who put the script to memory, but they start to slip from him, quicker and quicker, as the thrumming of his heartbeat becomes the only sensation he can really latch onto. His lips are numb, it feels as though any word could slip out loosely without paying attention, but he feels so far away from where his head is. There’s nothing holding him together, nothing tangible except for the fact that he’s still physically in one place.

“Hi, Cameron.” Sloane begins, eyes full of light like they always are.

“Hey, Cam.” Their smiles are sweet, both laughing at their same joke, and it’s excruciating not to follow through with the motions his body keeps incessantly suggesting. Oh, how little they know. It’s endearing, how lovely and innocent they look. He prays the light doesn’t fully go out of their eyes when he drops this on them. So he takes precautions where he can, as if that will cushion the blow.

“I need you-I need to talk to you about something.” Already off to a rocky start. How fitting. He huffs out a sharp breath. 

“What’s going on?” Sloane asks first, again.

“Yeah, what’s up?” They both lean forward slightly.

Cameron finds it especially cute that despite their function as a pair, they always answer him separately. He wants to push down these observations, his wandering thoughts, even now. But he shoves the shame away, because that’s not getting him closer to spitting it out.

He looks at Ferris and swallows hard, but tries to keep his voice lighthearted. “If this completely blows up in my face, blame your sister.” He doesn’t want that, but he knows that Jeanie would understand. It would take some of the sting away, and she would be okay with that. They would know, too, that it wasn’t her fault. It’s just to clear the air, to give him some comfort in the last few moments that are unburdened by confession.

Sloane’s eyebrows raise quizzically, but Ferris takes it all the same. “That can be arranged.”

“Man, I really didn’t plan this out enough.” A dry laugh escapes his lips. They look at him with curiosity.

“Okay. Basically, you two mean everything to me. It’s silly to say, I guess, but you know as well as I do how true that is. Hell, you make me feel like the main character in my own life. I don’t know how to talk about it, but I’d be pretty hopeless without you. And something inside me just, really hopes you feel the same way. I mean, I don’t want you to feel hopeless without me, but—shit. Why is this so difficult?”

Their eyes are fond, still, albeit harboring a bit of confusion. “Of course we do.” Sloane confirms, softening.

“I mean, it’s kind of fun. It’s like we’ve uncovered some secret that no one’s found out about. Cameron Frye, the key to eternal friendship.” Ferris says, gesturing dramatically. “I think at this point if I saw you hanging out with anyone else I’d have a heart attack and also never forgive you.” 

Cameron can’t help but laugh. But it fades away all too quickly, and he’s left in the same headspace that ties his stomach in knots. He’s more than just that secret. 

“See, that’s where it gets hard. For me. There’s just so much of this that I’ve been holding back. That I can’t hold back. Maybe I’m a fool, but I’m tired of… I’m never going to get tired of you. But I’m so tired of feeling like I’m destroying everything that this is just by being around you. I hate that my heart wrings every time I look at you. I hate… needing you this much. I need you, in a way I’m not supposed to.” He looks up at them finally, hoping they understand. Willing them to understand. Finally, finally, it quells. The burning ends, because he feels as though he could jump out of his skin. 

“You mean…?” Ferris asks in a quiet voice.

“Mm-hm.” Cameron nods, face heating with shame. They understand, and he breaks. Tears start falling down his cheeks, his vision blurring quickly. He’s almost grateful he can’t see them, can’t tell what’s in their heads by the expression on their faces. 

“Aw, Cameron, no. It’s alright.” Ferris consoles him, and Sloane joins him immediately at his left side.

“Please, Cam. Don’t cry.” They’re wiping his tears away with their thumbs, and everything inside him wants to shake them away. Shake his head furiously, shout, tell them no. He doesn’t want to be pitied. He can’t tell what this means, but he can’t take what happens next if it starts like this. Maybe they could love him, if they felt bad enough for him, and even someone so incredibly alone and desperate to be wanted like him knows that’s not fair. But he’s already sobbing, and he’s left with no choice. Letting them.

“It shouldn’t hurt this bad. Love. It doesn’t need to hurt this much.” Sloane tells him, looking into his eyes. How badly he wants to let it out, sadly. ‘Mine does.’ She’s still holding him, solidly, and stroking his cheek. But it’s not them. He hopes they know that. It’s always been him, the source of it. They’re meant to be loved, that’s not the problem. Just not by him, not like this.

“You got all ahead of yourself, Cam.” Ferris speaks to him softly, voice warping with concern. “You didn’t even hear us out.”

There was supposed to be no response. That was strictly for dreams, for the parts that deserved to be pushed away. 

“To be needed. That isn’t so bad, is it?” Sloane smiles, asking him earnestly.

“No, no.” He musters up the strength to tell them. “You can’t. Not like this. Not because I made you do it. Not because I made you feel bad.”

“You’re not making us do anything. We made this decision, this realization, all by ourselves.” Ferris convinces him, holding onto his hands. “Before this.”

“What?” It shakes Cameron out of it, almost completely.

“When we skipped school. After everything. Even after just… a second of having to maybe be without you… it was like the world had collapsed. We couldn’t handle it. We talked about it. After you left.” Ferris says.

“We need you, too.” Sloane looks in between them for a moment, then locking eyes with Cam in certainty.

“In the way we’re not supposed to. You just, fit. You talk about us, how much we’ve done for you. How much you need us, how much we’ve helped. But you… you’re everything. You complete us, the both of us, in a way we didn’t even know needed completing. We need you as much as we need each other. Love you, as much as we love each other.” Ferris lets that sink in. 

The word can barely escape, but Cameron needs clarification. “Love… me?”

“Yep. Isn’t that how you feel?” Ferris asks.

Cameron nods.

“Fully and completely.” Sloane confirms.

Cameron starts to cry again, but there’s a release of joy in it. Pent up pain, shame, and hurt, finally washing away. He laughs, gasping for air as his eyes brighten. Within a few moments, the unthinkable happens. Ferris presses a kiss on his lips, and then retreats for Sloane to do the same. They take turns like this. They don’t care that Cameron’s still in the aftermath of tears, that there’s the occasional hiccup of breath, that there are tears that dampen their faces. The way Cameron kisses them back with a purity, with a mutual exchange of need, want, and the loss of a weight that they feel so much freer without, nothing else in the world could possibly matter.

[cobalt-penguin]

y’know what i’m still feeling annoyed and petty, plus i’m stuck inside and it’s storming out so why not type out a checklist of what everyone in TOW did to me.

since i am mean and manipulative, petty and pathetic, and so much more? why not bring up some old beef and give ya’ll something to eat. 

Gansey: tried repeatedly to instigate drama -- if not actively break up -- my OC ships by encouraging -- through IC shenanigans -- cheating and lying. One of these happened while I was on vacation with my family and i still remember crying about it in a hotel bathroom because i thought one of my few ships in the RP was over and I hadn’t even been asked about it. This also included trying to get his OC Tomas to make IC/OOC (hey you can feign innocence when it’s in that dubiously OOC space, until its receptive in which case you can say it was IC the whole time!) at one of my ship partner’s OCs. Made repeated fat jokes at one of my fat characters (the same one they were clearly trying to get away from their partner...hmm...). Claimed I was always running to vague on my personal. Fair enough, I did, but they did the same thing. In poem form. Never answered my message about leaving the RP group because they felt ‘disrespected” by it. Repeatedly including untagged dubcon/noncon elements on the dashboard and triggering me. Lying to Ivy and me about having a full Overwatch party then trying to say “oh it just emptied you can join now”. hid this “FAR” idea from the rest of the RP community and then played coy when they got found out and asked about it by another anon (not me). Made fun of other RP groups in Tumblr tags then, when I asked them and their friends not to, was told “we’re a step above them.” Saying I was excluding them from things when I asked to play OW with them AND invited them to my horror RP group AND, only months beforehand, were inviting them to my Marvel RP??Trying to emotionally manipulate me through threatening to kill characters they had obviously grown tired of playing (probably because their major connections were to me and not their other friends) -- “haha i’m probably going to kill (my oc) idk but doesn’t that make you upset?? what will (your character) even do??” Engaging in nasty “”IC”” interactions with my character, basically telling me, through them, off, and being supported by the entire community in doing so. All of this really hurt me because I considered Gansey a friend and a major inspiration at one point in my life. Someone I non-jokingly looked up to and trusted. I feel like Gansey left TAR, our first RP group, because of how controlling, self-interested, petty, and mean-spirited the admins there were. That they were limiting other people’s creativity while building up their own narrative -- everyone else just there to be their audience. But you and Roman literally became Usa and Jen. Congrats. You lived long enough to become everything you’d rebelled against. And yes Gansey -- I saw all of your messages to everyone. Emotionally manipulating others -- telling them how terrible you are you don’t deserve their friendship, but would like to -- isn’t an apology. Its a tactic. Do better in the future. And despite me “blocking” you? There were a hundred ways to still reach out to me if that was what you really wanted. But let’s be real. It wasn’t. That was part of your gambit to. Goodbye. 

Rosie: asked literally EVERYONE about what had happened with the ““TOW explosion”” except me. never even asked my side of the story. Rosie I don’t even get because the other admins treated her like shit -- making her do all the coding and technical components for the entire RP -- but she was still defending them to the end. Okay. And then to treat Shelly like utter SHIT even though Reyne was running her passive-aggressive mouth off about people who couldn't even defend themselves? Amazing. Yeah, she’s the bully. Your perspective was so twitested by your biases that you were ready to victim blame Shelly just because Reyne had to run at the sight of someone actually throwing their bulltshit back at them. 

Reyne: Like Gansey, frequently indulged in cheating/cucking scnearios for fun -- again, including my own characters without asking or telling me. Don’t think Reyne ever apologized for this, IC or OOC. Dropped ships with me repeatedly -- leaving the group even -- without a word. Passive-aggressive to the max. Made a ship with Gansey just to play out her Teen Wolf OTP -- something that will never not be funny to me, when she called Gansey’s “character” Stiles. Smooth. 

Frankii: Repeatedly dropped me and my characters from plots. Gave me one of the most hurtful comments of my RP community by essentially being like “maybe if your plots and characters weren’t so confusing than more people would want to RP with you.” Invited to join my horror RP group and never made a character. also told me this after Gansey wrote that enormous callout about me, that Roman piggybacked on while the getting was good: “also I'm not here to advocate on behalf of my friend but I really don't think Gansey was trying to be rude last night, they can come off a certain way when they're stressed.” COOL. The rest of Frankii’s message I really appreciated, at the time, but, surprise surprise, then despite us being “cool” they never spoke to me again. 

Laura: I actually really liked Laura tbh but I guess she didn’t feel the same. Some of our interactions back in TAR were actually some of my favorites. I invited her to join my horror RP group and she never made a character. When I asked about this -- and if she needed any help making someone or wanted to leave -- she said she was working on it. Basically stonewalled me over time. Honestly though? Not a lot to say I actually think Laura is a good writer and pretty cool. Its just obvious who her friends were and I, stupidly, thought I was included in that. 

Anna: Actually I really liked Anna too tbh but I guess I vastly overestimated our friendship? It happens. Dropped me from one of her plots -- after talking to me about including me in one of hers because she felt “obligated” basically, from being featured in my own -- without mentioning why or talking to me about it. Invited to join new RP -- refused (not mad about this, just making note of it). Refused to follow my new account when I lost my old one because “lol they’re such a furry”. 

Roman: lmao where to even start. Roman was condescending and elitist literally from the beginning of TAR. barely acknowledged my existence until he had to.I started a plot with an open invitation to the entire RP group, with a deadline so I could start writing. Roman waits until its over and complains that they were left out. I include him anyway. Roman mocks the fact that I ask to tag or outright remove aphrodisiac dust -- because I don’t like seeing untagged dubcon/noncon on my dashboard, it upsets me a lot -- and then goes on a whole thread about it after I go to bed and can’t even defend myself. Apparently told his friends not to invite me to things because he doesn’t like me??? And then he has the nerve to be like communication is key and you can come talk anytime??? While having me on their public “friends” list with a description about me on his blog??? omfg...I literally can’t. To this day. Actually let this image speak for itself.

Everything Else: The repeated, childish treatment of strippers as immoral (””your character is stripping?? my character is so upset and is going to protect them!!”). The implication that characters who were stripping were also automatically sex workers. The continued references to my character, who owned this establishment, as being sleazy and manipulative. Also, honestly, what was with ya’ll adopting some random teenager into your OW groups? That was weird af. And then bringing some random person into TOW without asking anyone and trying to pull rank like “we’re the admin team and we can do whatever we want”. and shit-talking Meg and me in your “open forum” when all we wanted to do was get on with out lives. Like? Who cares? Ya’ll didn’t want me, at least, there anyway, clearly. You don’t get to exclude me then talk about how disrespectful and “wrong” the way I left was..........

Me: I didn’t do everything perfectly either. I know I could be passive-aggressive. I could be self-interested. I could make bitter comments. I dealt with feeling angry and upset by making memes -- which, I’m gonna be honest, I get why ya’ll were upset but I don’t regret either. I had spent so long in TAR/TOW with nobody interested in my characters and plots -- originally because I didn’t vid and played furries but, later, well.........see above -- that I did focus on my own narrative. I wasn’t invited to plots. I didn’t have sexy vampires and boy band werewolves. I played weird characters that didn’t fit the common niche of the cast of an angst and hookup filled supernatural YA novel. Maybe my plots were confusing but, honestly? It was because they were always going to be in the background. I wasn’t disinterested in anyone’s stories. I had just been left out of them for so long -- having to beg to even be a mention in a single mention -- that I had to make my own. I wasn’t there to just be an audience member to be aghast by Roman’s newest quirky boy or Gansey’s newest possessed twink. I was a writer. A member of the community. And, at the time? I thought a friend. Someone who deserved appreciation and respect. 

I know who my true friends are now. We did, ironically, exactly what you did -- we have out own group, our own setting, our own community. 

And I still live with the mean and manipulative things YALL said everyday. Even as an adult -- even with everything I’ve accomplished and am so proud of -- I’m still traumatized by being treated so poorly -- for years -- and not even realizing it. Something I’m still working on -- one of the many reasons I still have trust issues to this day. Congrats. That’s your legacy on me. aNYWAY

byeeeeeee

[tgai-spock]

anyway here chapter 1 new trek fic with spock erm. they.

no title

untitled

will find it oh shit its 1 now

The talk of the ship was a book, created by Anna Natasha detailing the events of people in life threatening situations, some of whom were ex-starfleet. It was the newest hit culture sensation. The beginning to the book was filled with the species involved, human, orion just common facts about their species, how long they could go without food, how long they could go without water, It was unneccesery as every moment a person spent in peril the narrator tended to remind you, but it was introsting. The book wasn’t about comparing, it was about pushing the boundaries of surivial, hope in the face of certain death, so it was no surprise the Captain Kirk had managed to devour it.

“I’m just saying” Kirk said with a shrug “I’m forcing the whole crew to read the entire thing.”

Spock, who had stopped and blinked up back to Kirk “I don’t think-“

“It’s logical” Kirk counters.

Spock raises an eyebrow “how?”

“It’s full of surivial tips, in different situations with real people.”

“Hold - hold on. Some of the things people do actively put themselves in a worse situation, take Akala and David, they’d have a few extra toes each if they hadn’t caused that avalanche.”

“True” Kirk nodded “but, we can learn from their mistakes, don’t start a fire beanth a mountain made curly of snow.”

“Jim boy, if there’s some silly folks thinking lighting a fire while inside the mountain thats more snow than stone I don’t think there’s any hope for them.”

“Yet David and and Akala still survived” Spock said.

“Hey, you would agree with me. That said you’ve be awful to have any, the amount of wrong survival decisions you make.”

Spock frowned “I am still alive, therefore I have made all the right survival decisions.”

“Jim, what do you think you should do when your stabbed through?”

“Die? No see a doctor.”

“Great, so you can confirm, you do not run around, and then try to fight people?”

“Objection, I did see you a doctor first, unfortunately it was you-”

“Hey!” McCoy yelled.

“Gentlemen, please” Kirk rolled his eyes “I’ve already made up my mind, it’s mandatory reading.”

“I doubt it will make much difference” McCoy said into his lunch “I think the whole crews already gone through it, I’ve seen Chapel read through it twice. She think Adam Smith cute. Ugh.”

“Was that the Adam in the desert or the one working in the natural disaster relief?”

“The one that got himself lost in the desert.”

“She has bad taste”

“Yeah I’d say” McCoy said grinning, knowing her not so secret crush.

“I bet I could fill an entire book with my near death experiences” Kirk says placing the book down and finished off his stake.

“That’s all my logs are. You drag me down to a damn planet I don’t need to be on, an I almost die.”

“You hardy ever die.” Spock mumbles.

“Thank you Spock, oddly enough the ideal amount of times to die, is once, and it should be perment. But oddly enough I do count people shooting weapons at me as a near death experience.”

Spock frowned “even if they don’t hit you?”

“Why are you acting like thats weird? Yes even if the loaded gun misses my head by 2mm and I am unscathed, that is still a near death experience.”

“Then I could defiantly fill up a book of near death experiences that I didn’t even get whilst on duty” Kirk said.

“Likewise.”

“You should both be dead. I am the only one keeping this ship alive.”

“Fun fact I really should be dead” Spock said.

“I’m signing you up to therapy-”

“A slightly older version of me went back in time, and save me from dying when I was a child.”

“He’s lost his marbles.”

“Really?” Kirk frowned.

Spock looked up to Kirk and frowned “yes.”

“Right. Of course. You’d think time travel would be a bit harder to come by, when I was a kid I never even imagined time travel to exist.”

“That would save us both a lot of trouble.”

“I sure hope your referring to a certain planet, and not your own existence.”

“I was referring to how your up bring and birth would have been completely different but your not wrong.”

“Oh I guess so, any time travel in you childhood Bones?” Kirk asks.

“No Jim. I’m a normal person. Just a country doctor.” He says smugly.

“I’m a normal person. I think, and Spock a normal-”

“The only vulcan humans hybrid.”

“That doesn’t make you unnormal.”

“Mathmaticlly it does.”

“Well I’m not speaking math, your a normal person to me.”

“I have no concept of the words you are saying, but, thank you?”

“That’s it! The only un-normal person I’ve ever known was this boy in my high school, he used to cut open animals and try to frankenstein them back into life.”

A psychopath…or a scientist? Spock psychopath or scientist?”

“You eat dead animals all the time” Spock said “how are you not a psychopath.”

“I’m not just saying that, if theres a lot of animal deaths going on there it’s an early sign that they could later try killing a human.”

“Intresting… then I would suggest an immoral scientist.”

“So evil.”

* * *

He turned the tablet over in his hands, and he turned it again so the email would look at him. He turned it around again, a slow spin, his mind making the same turns. In the end it was a two way choice to accept or reject. To accept would give people a glimpse of himself, it would help home vulcans, and it could mean that his own crew would treat him differently. Worse. Or that look of pity, something that should only be given to a puppy needing a home, a look that should only be given by those stepping up to home the puppy. Not a look to a person about an experience so long ago that it was now apart of their being. To reject would hold off valuable resources to vulcan. Not hold away as such, but he could bring extra to those who need it, for those to rebuild their culture before the older vulcans with knowledge die before the planned regains its true self suficentcy. New vulcan currently had an unbalance, doctors to builders, to skilled to unskilled. Skilled workers needed to be brought in from outside sources and that did cost money. His tablet buzzes, another email from Kirk. He wants to talk.

Spock enters Kirks room at the same time as McCoy. McCoy got that air about him, like a hen puffing up to protect her eggs.

“Whats going on Jim?” McCoy asks.

“You would never believe the email I just got” Kirk said with a smile, and McCoy unpuff a bit sensing his mood.

“What is it?” McCoy asked.

“Anna Natasha has just informed me that she has permission to seek any life and death stories from starlet personal, as long as they haven’t happened while on duty, or involve starfleet.”

“Oh well you said just this morning you could fill an entire book. Are you thinking about accepting.”

“I don’t know” Kirk shrugged “should I? They offered me a lot of money, and whilst there are some situations I don’t want to repeat… I think I have a couple of situations I wouldn’t mind sharing.”

“Well, whatever you do, just don’t accept for the money.”

“I have the same email.”

“Oh?” Kirk says surprised.

“And I was thinking about accepting just for… the donation to new vulcan.”

“Oh. Donating. To new vulcan - hey I could do that? I could get my self a few treats, and then donate the rest.” Kirk said thoughtfully.

“Don’t let me influence how you spend your money” Spock said.

“No, I’d want to, I could split some cash between charities. Do you think my crew would disrespect if I told everyone, about this time I spat in a mans face.”

“Did you do it while also pushing a plane wreck survivor over the edge a cliff?” McCoy asked.

“No, I did not pull a Bella Saurus.” Kirk said.

“Then I think it might be okay. You could always retell me about the situation first, and then I could give you my initial reaction. You too Spock. In fact clear it with both of us first.”

“Is that an order?”

“I’m just saying, you ain’t got emotions, for all I know you could have cut up a corpse to keep yourself warm, and that ain’t going to go over smoothly with there rest of the crew.”

“Firstly thats disgusting, and secondly that sounds logical.”

“Jim, Jim help me.”

“It is not an order Spock, do whatever you like. However if you would like an ear to bat one of your experiences off first to see if that will effect how you interact with your crew, both me and McCoy offer a friendly ear.”

“Thank you.”

“Thats what I just set.”

“No… you said somethings about cutting up copses and living in them. Would that work?”

“It does, many people have survived a cold winter by climbing into the corpse of a dead animal.”

“Humans are weird.”

“Okay.

* * *

Four days after he received his email Spock realised that he not care what his crew thought of him, he had had foul rumour spread across the ship many times before he’d become commander and some after. Half of the rumours were true. But it had never stopped him, whether someone thought he was mean or cruel. If someone decided he was stupid, or a narcissist or selfish psychopath. It didn’t matter. Wether his crew viewed him as evil or good he could still common them, put them in the brig for disobedience, but few disobeyed him know he’d follow through fully on any threats. The only thing that held him back was James.T.Kirk and Leonard McCoy, and a few of the other commanding officers he respected and admired. He did care what they thought of him, and it worried him to think that they might learn of one experience and think of him as evil, though he couldn’t even bring to mind the slightest of experiences that could label him as evil, as least not one he had taken off duty. On the seventh day after receiving the email, he decided he wanted to tell them anyway.

It was an odd experience, he was not what could be described as a talker, and he liked to represent himself as the person he was in the moment. Not to be judged by the past but only by the present an ever turning of events. Not to be judged by the future nor the past, not to allow someone to think that all these past things were an explanation for his present being when in between all of that were countless books, people, and not so threatening experiences, mundane everyday activities which just as much effected his present if not ever more so. He did know Jim had been on taurus, he had told him a long time ago through passing conversation. He didn’t talk about it a lot, just mentioned it. Spock didn’t judge him for it and couldn’t, but that didn’t mean other people didn’t. Yet Spock did not have a taurus. So he wasn’t really sure what he was so worried about, most of the situations he was in, was in part due to his clumsiness. After duty the three gathered to talk for an evening.

* * *

McCoy opened up his medical chest on the coffee table between them. They were in Jims quarters one of the few rooms that allowed a personal place to sit, and these sofas were rarely used.

“Just to be clear” Jim said “I don’t need a hypo.” McCoy grinned and opened the chest to reveal a bottle of brandy.

“Is there any occasion that will not result in you drinking?” Spock asked somewhat unsurprised.

“Brain surgery. Well, I mean I’ll have a shot to keep my nerves down, medicinal helps me work.”

“You’ve done brain surgery on me” Spock said appalled.

“One shot just wasn’t going to help me I did, five.”

“Jim” Spock said seriously.

“He’s joking Spock” Jim said scratching his head, as he took a glass from McCoy.

“I’m not” McCoy mouthed at Spock.

“Bones don’t.”

“Wait Spock, what would you rather, I do brain surgery on you after one shot, or an unknown sober vulcan does brain surgery on you.”

“Neither let me die in peace.”

“Thats it buddy, one more word that some how equates to you not being alive, and I’m putting you back on suicide alert.”

“You had him on suicide alert?” Jim asked appalled “are okay.”

“I am perfectly fine, and not suicidal” Spock says seriosuly.

“I literally don’t know whats going through his head, I have him on it almost every other week. Although it is procedure to put people on suicide alert after they’re toruted or have a near death experience for at least four weeks. And Spock rarely goes without either.”

“They’re should be a maximum amount of near death experiences that can get you put on suidide, and then after twenty five or so, they just shouldn’t apply.” Spock said.

“See that sounds logical to him” McCoy shrugged “when humans get beat up that much they usually get so tired being in pain so often that sometimes, the kill themselves.”

“I haven’t.”

“The procedures are for normal people. Anyway” McCoy swirls the drink in his glass as he points from Spock to Jim “who’s starting? Lets get these death tales underway, I might even throw one in myself. But only one, unlike some people I’m not dying every other day.”

“Fair enough” Jim nodded “Spock, you’ve heard some of mine before now, would you mind starting.”

“That seems fair, although I have decided to go for my youngest experiences as I feel people won’t be able to hold that strong opinion on something a child has done.”

“You? A child? I doubt.”

“Thats true I was just a very short man.” Spock agree and McCoy snorted into his drink.

“Okay I’m sorry. Okay. I am turning into nice McCoy, go on with your story.”

“Well you’ve not nearly drunk enough to turn into nice McCoy but very well.”

The gaps between us

I was nine years old at the time, it was Van’Dra at the time on vulcan. Vulcan has six seasons, Van’Dra is the hottest of them, it is the only season where the desert doesn’t cool at night and the cheikkka bugs can be spotted with their glowing neon wings gathering in groups before coming to their yearly demise. Vulcans schools don’t have a summer holiday as such, but as it is the time of most wildlife, and the occasional festival, this season is used to practice survival skills, or for independent learning and volunteer work, which the majority of all school age children work for to support their own communities and gain outside knowledge of how the world works.

That year I had not applied to work the in any volunteer work as it was pointless, despite my fathers stubborn insistence that I do so. Instead I had decided to spend my time studying, and visiting ‘Vulcans Forge’ by myself.

“Wait is that not obviously dangerous?” McCoy asked. 

“Yes, but not for me I spent a lot of my time there.” Spock said. 

“Why? Just in the outback.” McCoy said.

“I like nature and I like looking at bugs, thats why I’m a scientist.”

“Okay… I guess. no wait loads of fully grown vulcans used to die there. I remember-”

“McCoy are you trying to talk me out of going to a place that no longer exists.”

“Let him talk” Jim moaned who was very much enjoying listening to the info dump on vulcan.

“Well, I’m just saying, that just sounds like a bad idea. Sounds like a Adam in the desert move.”

“I spent more time in the desert than my own home. What I am talking about is probably the worst thing, with a single exception, to happen to me in the desert, and I spent 8 more years visiting the forge without incident.”

“Okay well that-”

“I’ve not even begun-”

“Sorry! Sorry carry on Mr Spock. Stop telling me about the seasons.”

“It’s important.”

“You almost die of thirst? You get heat stroke?”

“Have another drink Doctor.” Spock said and he continued.

My brother-

“BROTHER?!” Both McCoy and Kirk yelled.

“Oh you didn’t know?” Spock said slyly “maybe I’ll tell you about him if you be quiet.”

“A brother? I have so many questions.” Jim said

“Can I answer all of them?” Spock asked

“Sorry carry on.”

My brother, the son of Sarek, and a vulcan princess, had come out of a distant small mountain community- McCoy if you say one more word I will kill you. He had recently moved into our family home as his mother had died. His entire existence had been kept a secret and was a surprise to everyone. No. No McCoy save your questions for later.

Sybok was a truly unique vulcan and one of whom I rarely met. His mother had believed in emotion- if I have to remind you one more time I will end you without mercy. So he was taking time to adjust to the house. My Father always urged the strictest emotional control, more so than any normal vulcan would ask, my mother would go against his wishes anytime he was gone more than a day from the house. Yet she was rarely so emotional with me, she might watch a film with me but or introduce me to a new earth book, but with Sybok she encouraged him to be happy. Since Sybok had missed out on important training in controlling himself at a young age and saw his emotion to the one thing tying him to his mother he found this entire concept very difficult and disturbing.

[jeudi-riverdale]

riverdale ships

since riverdale season 2 is just about over (only 1 more episode !!), I thought that I’d discuss some ships that I’ve seen in both season 1 and 2 that I like/dislike:

ships I like :

1. barchie - betty x archie

obviously I’m a fan of barchie...I’m running a barchie account so it’s self-explanatory. these two have the history, the feelings, and the connection. even though betty is with jughead now and archie is with veronica, there are still lingering feelings or feelings buried deep down. and barchie is endgame, what can I say. I shipped these two in the comic books and I ship them now. there’s nothing like childhood novels coming to life in the form of a movie (or in this case, a tv show).

2. falice - fp x alice

boy oh boy I shipped these guys from the beginning. these two are one of the main reasons why I think betty and jughead shouldn’t be together. I mean, their freaking parents are in love... fp cares so much about alice, even after all this time. and it’s canon now because they were lovers in high school, alice got pregnant, and then had fb’s baby without telling him. I never though hal and alice were good for each other. and now that I’ve seen the most recent episodes of season 2, I KNOW hal and alice are wrong for each other and fp is the one for alice.

3. choni - cheryl x toni

before toni’s character even showed up on riverdale, there were rumors about this ship going canon. and, what do you know, this ship is sailing. one thing I love about riverdale is its inclusion of equality and representation, not only for the lgbtq community, but for racial minorities as well. well done, riverdale, well done. cheryl and toni are adorable and the scene at the sisters of quiet mercy was so powerful. these two are gifted actors and they portrayed the emotions of toni and cheryl so well.

4. moovin (??) - kevin x moose

these two need a better ship name because ‘moovin’ is just a little too weird. but, regardless, these guys were cute in the first few episodes and the aftermath of the prom scenes were what I stuck around for. it’s clear that moose may be bi or gay, but he’s so far back in the closet that it would take over a week to find him. not to mention he’s technically dating midge (who by the way, knew about moose and kevin hooking up and was cool with it ?? maybe that’s because she was also cheating on moose with fangs fogarty.) I still think these guys would be cute together because moose obviously has feelings for kevin. just look back at their scenes together...you can cut the sexual tension with a knife.

5. joavin - joaquin x kevin

I guess this is kind of conflicting with the previous ship I just mentioned (though I didn’t think it would be until I saw the most recent episodes - I think joaquin was in episode 20). I loved loved LOVED these two together. honestly, it’s one of the main reasons why I watched riverdale in the first season... joaquin and kevin were adorable in season 1, but after joaquin left, I shifted back over to shipping kevin and moose together. but NOW joaquin may be back for season 3 so I’m all kinds of conflicted rn.

6. jeronica - jughead x veronica

now I wouldn’t say I’m a full-fledged fan of these two together. there hasn’t really been enough buildup for that. HOWEVER I don’t think that I would mind if they were to get together in a future season of riverdale. that hot tub scene was just a mild taste of what could become...

7. chosie (is it ‘chosie’?? idk) - chuck x josie

I didn’t actually mind when chuck and josie went on a ‘date.’ hopefully chuck is actually going to keep improving his image instead of demeaning women. this relationship can just remain that one cute date and I would be totally okay with it. I think it shows how much chuck is trying to be a better person. I also think that chuck brings out a different side of josie because she was so much more playful and lighthearted with chuck than she was with anyone else in the show.

8. fremione - fred x hermione

even after all the shit that hermione pulled after hiram came home, I am certainly not opposed to these two eventually being together. I mean, it seems like mary and fred were separated for a reason and fred was planning on divorcing mary anyway so idk. fred still has lingering feelings for hermione (though I’m not sure if that’s changed since they’re opposing mayoral campaigns) and there was also that pesky kiss between the two in the andrews construction trailer...who knows what will happen in season 3.

ships I don’t like :

1. bughead - betty x jughead

I’ll admit. this ship was cute in the beginning when it was just jughead crushing on betty and they were a mystery-solving duo. but, the relationship became too rocky too quick and the crazy bughead fans just ruined the ship for me...and not to mention I always shipped archie and betty together in the comic books because jughead was a canon asexual...

2. varchie - veronica x archie

this was another couple that was cute at first, but then they became ‘that couple’ (you know, the one that lacked substance and all they do is have sex). and they also broke up for a reason...not to mention archie has feelings for betty buried deep down and the fact that veronica was a bit of a bitch for a while when she was using archie for her own personal gain. I feel like this is one of those couples that is passionate for a while (hello, lust) but ends up breaking up because feelings lie elsewhere (hello, love for betty).

3. the lodge duo - hiram x hermione

where to start...ah yes, how about with how hiram mentally abuses hermione ? how about when hiram forcefully persuades her to go along with his immoral plans ? how about when he is willing to put hermione’s life on the line after the black hood ‘plays target practice’ at the mayoral debate ? hiram is a terrible person and was certainly the wrong choice for hermione in high school. she should’ve chosen fred tbh. hiram has too many under-the-table plans and I honestly don’t think he cares about anything more than using people as a means-to-an-end.

4. cherosie - cheryl x josie

I was a fan of these two as friends, but when cheryl started creeping I just had to take a step back. season 1 cherosie was a cute best friend situation. however, cheryl’s mental demons came along and caused a rift in that friendship. I don’t think they would’ve worked out as a couple anyway. cheryl wasn’t really in a stable state-of-mind and I don’t think they’re that compatible tbh.

5. ms grundy x archie

this relationship gave me the creeps. I never liked this ship and thank god she’s dead. that’s all I have to say.

[fayewonglibrary]

FAYE ACCOMPLI (2000)

With a new album and a younger beau, Faye Wong again is the centre of media attention. She talks to Life! about her family, daughter, and the paparazzi

By YEOW KAI CHAI

FAYE WONG is a curious, unique and fascinating phenomenon in the Chinese entertainment scene.

Hers is one lit by sacred mystery, slavish fan-dom and marketing savvy – a kind of meteorite which makes an impact on pop consciousness that is felt years later.

Just last week, several incensed Faye-natics wrote to Life! to complain about the less-than-positive review of her latest album, Fable. The letters burned with an unbridled intensity reserved normally for matters of life and death.

Faye is a diva, and divas are infallible even when they falter, these correspondents insisted.

While the bigger Western pop market has always loved its fair share of staunch, individualistic visionaries, ranging from loose cannons like Courtney Love to weird, elliptical New Age daughters like Tori Amos, the East had preferred its female singers decked out uniformly in pretty frills, smiling coyly and oozing saccharine.

The entry of Faye changed all that.

THIS EMPRESS DOES HER OWN THING

A*MEI can belt better, CoCo Lee can shake her bon-bon with more fervour, but Faye – who moves very little on stage, makes scant eye-contact, and banters very poorly – is Queen. Or Empress, if you go by her Chinese name, Fei.

She is the Anti-Entertainer made good, the kind of gauche, strangely-riveting drama unfurling on stage.

Faye as a proposition came at the right time in the Internet era, a child of the global village, where the twain finally met.

As Life! music columnist and “I’ve-never-stopped-being-angry” singer and DJ Chris Ho once told this writer, he fancies the “idea” of Faye Wong, somebody who does her own thing without a care in the world for social approval – never mind whether her songs are good or not.

How many of Singapore’s unloved “indie” rockers would love to have that kind of clout.

Here is a goddess who subsists on both flaws and gifts alike – her lousy media relations, superb style sense, and her talent in out-copycatting her Hongkong counterparts in choosing smarter, more revolutionary musicians to filch from.

All these add up to an irresistible package.

Last weekend, on the popular Taiwanese variety show Super Sunday on the TVB-S channel (Ch 54), Faye was the guest.

She was gorgeous and smiling all the time, but was otherwise in typical Faye mode. She did not play to the crowd, or banter needlessly. She just spoke when she needed to.

Tellingly, the usually-riotous team of Harlem Yu, Huang Chi Jiao, A Liang and premier veteran compere Chang Hsiao-yan wound down their antics and became less irreverent.

They kept calling Faye tian hou (Heavenly Queen), and spoke to the 31-year-old, 1.72-m tall singer in clearly deferential tones.

The more senior Chang, usually quick and particularly ruthless, even gave way to her guest in a contest.

The singer, on her part, looked bemused by the surrounding plebeian inanities, a placid self orbiting at her own pace.

A COOL ONE FOR GENERATION NEXT

THE name Faye, at the cusp of the new millennium, has become synonymous with Attitude and Coolness personified for Generation Next.

Just last month, an impressive turn-out of 500 journalists from China, Hongkong, Taiwan, Malaysia and Singapore flew to Shenzhen. Faye, as part of a promo tie-up with Head &Shoulders Shampoo, was scheduled to emerge from a helicopter in a golf buggy and perform three songs from Fable on an aircraft carrier.

Alas, due to rain, the gig was brought indoors, and she stayed for only about 15 minutes to field questions from the disgruntled press before being whisked off.

It was all in a day’s work on Planet Faye.

MEANING BEHIND THE SONGS

FEELINGS: A diva speaks

On the lyrics of her songs “(Lyricist Lin Xi said) it is to do with the various love stages and incarnations. Sounds very deep…’

On a message to her listeners ‘No, there is no special message. For this album, it’s basically an expression of certain moods.’

On the paparazzi "There has to be a decent limit. I feel it’s immoral for the paparazzi to snoop.’

On negative news reports "I just treat the reports as if they were about someone else.’

On movies she enjoys "I like to watch movies from which I can get some enlightenment or inspiration.’

SO, OF course, we didn’t get the one-on-one interview or even a phone interview with this elusive mystery. But we were given the privilege of faxing her a list of questions. And here we have Faye’s answers, recorded on tape.

We cannot tell you what her facial expressions were, or what she was wearing, or what Singaporean make-up designer Zing had painted on her face.

We hear only the Beijing native’s mellifluous, Northern-accented Mandarin, punctuated occasionally by a peal of laughter.

She has ignored some of the more probing questions, preferring to spend precious reel on giving us a very detailed run-down on the mystical meanings of the first five songs, which she says are "all about love and its complexities, from the beginning of creation to modern times”.

Oh, okay. But which songs in Fable mean the most to her?

“The five songs I wrote are the songs I like more,” she declares, not very diplomatically.

“I asked lyricist Lin Xi what they mean and he said it is to do with the various love stages and incarnations. Sounds very deep, but that’s what he was writing. Anyway, people don’t really have to really listen to the lyrics. They can listen to the music.”

On the whole, what message does she want to convey to her audience with this album?

“No, there is no special message. For this album, it’s basically an expression of certain moods,” she offers in a typically-obtuse manner.

“When people hear the songs, they should be able to feel the moods. I only write lyrics and music when I am inspired. I won’t write for the sake of writing. I hope that people can find some form of emotional empathy. No big pronouncements.”

No big pronouncements. Such a casual statement of nothingness can only come from supreme confidence. Faye has come a long way since 1987, when she was an 18-year-old who had left Beijing for Hongkong, to take singing lessons.

Two years later, her singing teacher introduced her to Cinepoly, which released her first three albums, and marketed her as a cookie-cutter balladeer.

At the time, she went by the plain name of Shirley Wong Jin Man.

She was not happy. She was getting famous, but she was an introvert and she did not like the attention brought by fame.

She took a sabbatical and flew to America, where she attended some singing and dancing lessons.

The trip was an eye-opener. In New York, people in the streets dressed the way they wanted, and acted the way they wanted.

It proved to be the turning point in her life. She returned to Hongkong in 1992, more assertive and ready to steer her own ship. She reverted to her own name, ditched Shirley for Faye, and decided to record Mandarin albums instead, save for one or two novelty Cantonese tracks on each CD.

She made an about-turn away from the chart-friendly pop route and transformed herself into a canny alternative popster who spoke her mind and followed her heart. She dressed the way she wanted, and acted the way she wanted.

She struck gold.

Musically, the 1990s was an experimental era which gave free rein to Faye, who borrowed the fine (some say bad) points blithely from the leading female originals of the western pop hemisphere – Bjork’s sartorial and follicular sensibility; Sinead O'Connor’s nuanced vocal styling; and Liz Fraser’s unintelligible phrasing.

She covered the Cranberries, and mimicked Dolores O'Riordian’s yodelling. She even worked with the Cocteau Twins.

On the media front, she was no PR merchant, happily dissing reporters who dared ask her about her marriage/divorce to mainlander Dou Wei.

She would deflect intrusive questions with mystical monosyllables, which, depending on your ardour or the lack thereof, was either intriguing or just plain rude.

In short, she turned the rules of the game upside down. It was shocking, baffling – enchanting. She stood out.

The media and public, thrilled or repulsed by such blatant insouciance, lapped it all up. They trailed her every move, her elusive relationship with Nicholas Tse, who is 11 years her junior, and second-guessed her every new image overhaul.

It was a beneficial media-celebrity relationship for both parties: fuelling her cool, defiant stance and adding grist for publicity.

PAPARAZZI SUCH A HEADACHE

SO WHAT does she really think of the media, especially the paparazzi? How does one maintain the line between one’s public and private selves?

“Of course, I don’t like the gouzai dui (paparazzi)”, is her calm, candid answer.

“The paparazzi make the task of separating work and private life very difficult. There is absolutely no way for me to protect my own privacy. It is a headache!

Although I understand that as a public personality, my private life would be an issue of interest, I still think there needs to be some restraint. There has to be a decent limit. I feel it’s immoral for the paparazzi to snoop.”

As for the “negative reports” in the tabloids, Faye, a devout Buddhist, professes she has transcended frustration.

“Now, they don’t affect my state of mind that much. I just treat the reports as if they were about someone else. The report and my life are two different matters. I wouldn’t be bothered.”

It does seem that she has become less irascible, more at peace with her life and its inconveniences.

Asked what kind of movies she enjoys, she ponders, then offers, most beguilingly, “the kind of movies I don’t like”.

“War movies, period movies, I don’t quite like. Things that are distant from my present lifestyle, I’m not so interested in. I like to watch movies from which I can get some enlightenment or inspiration.”

To her credit, Faye thinks that Fable could have been better produced.

“The mixing for this album was done in England. We worked with an English mixer – I don’t know whether people who heard the album could tell that. I heard the CD, and it wasn’t as good as I had expected, but it has its fine points.”

For the next album, she will work again with longtime collaborator, arranger-producer Zhang Yadong, and find some famous European arranger/producer to arrange and mix the album, she says.

Unfortunately, as the singer points out, “the more famous producers are usually very expensive, and we have yet to settle the copyright issue”.

“It’s a headache, but I hope the plan will work out,” she adds, laughing.

HER SUCCESS AND ITS DOWNSIDE

REFRESHING it is to hear Faye, often typecast as wilful and artistic, considering a serious business matter.

At this juncture of her life, she may have achieved equanimity. She has learned how to enjoy success, and dealt with its downside.

Indeed, slavish adoration may come and go, but Faye has one basic guiding principle on how to live her life.

“My parents’ biggest positive influence is on my character. They are very upright people. They have integrity, and they are not fake or insincere.”

If all else fails, there is always her darling daughter. So, has Dou Jingtong inherited Mummy’s talent?

“Yes, she is sensitive to anything that has rhythm. She is acutely sensitive to music. I don’t think it’s all hereditary though. Maybe she was a musician in her previous life!”

As if surprised at her own elucidation, Faye chuckles, sounding truly embarrassed. And for a second, you think you hear beyond the Superstar, the Hype and the Fable, the wide-eyed girl who once marvelled at the things she had seen for the first time.

Fable is out in stores.

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SOURCE: THE STRAITS TIMES / LIFE

[woozapooza]

Black Sails 1x01

Here we go!!! A new show!!! What a good pilot episode. So much happened, I can’t believe it’s only been one episode.

I was apprehensive about starting Black Sails because I’d been anticipating it for months and had built it up in my head. It’s the same apprehension I had starting Wynonna Earp. But once again, I have correctly judged from a tiny bit of information that a show is an excellent match for me. I’m not nearly as good as I’d like to be at following and remembering the events of shows, so after I finished the episode, I recounted as much of the plot as I could remember to myself. While doing that, I realized one thing that made it such a good way to start a show: it’s brimming with the theme of gambling, of making dangerous choices that may pay off hugely down the line or may end in disaster. Combine that with the numerous interesting characters, not to mention the fact that it’s a period drama about pirates I mean come on what’s better than that, and you’ve got the perfect recipe to make me keep watching. I hope everything in the following lil recap/review is factually correct but eh who knows.

Let’s start with Flint. The trope of angsty morally dubious loner captain dude, while cool in theory, does not always go over well for me (see Jack Harkness and Mal Reynolds, neither of whom is as questionable as Flint). But I think in Flint this trope (which probably has a name, or at least is an amalgam of a few tropes that have names) may finally work for me, and I’m not just saying that out of ginger solidarity, nor just because aesthetically Flint is #goals. Flint has been “gambling” for months before the show even starts: he’s been going after ships that don’t seem like good targets because he thinks they’ll lead him to the jackpot, the Urca de Lima. The result of him keeping his plan secret from the crew is low morale and the threat of mutiny. Flint has to walk the line between keeping the crew satisfied and pursuing a goal that will more than make up for the toll its pursuit takes. He fails to walk this line, but Singleton’s mutiny gives Flint the opportunity to change tactics while still very much gambling: by accusing Singleton of stealing the Urca’s schedule, he gets to fight and kill Singleton (he also had to bet on Singleton choosing a duel over a trial, but I’m assuming he knew Singleton well enough that it wasn’t a risky bet) and pretend to recover the schedule from Singleton’s corpse. Until he produced the blank sheet of paper, I really couldn’t guess whether he actually suspected Singleton or he was just looking for an excuse to put down the mutiny. I didn’t expect the trick with the blank paper. Flint may be the main character but you can’t always see into his head, so I expect he’ll be a lot of fun to watch. I enjoy his cleverness, his ruthlessness, and his moments of vulnerability. I’m still unsure whether he meant it at all when he apologized to the crew for keeping secrets from them. I’d like to think it wasn’t a complete lie, even though it was also a ploy to get them to like him again, but it’s not like he’s stopped lying to them. He has his crew’s loyalty back—fortunately he was right to gamble that Billy would play along and pretend Singleton really did have the schedule—but it will only last so long before they realize he doesn’t have it. He also has to hide the fact that Guthrie, who was key to getting the ship, is a) under arrest and b) so far, unwilling to help. Will Flint get the schedule for realsies before the crew figures out that he lied to them again?

Lying now and hoping he’ll have the means to make up for it later is not the worst thing Flint does in this episode. It’s the killing of Singleton that really shows that he’s not a straightforward hero. I wouldn’t say mutiny justifies murder, but then again I’m not a pirate. I also wouldn’t say theft merits the death penalty, but that’s how pirates do. What I’m getting at is, Flint may do questionable things (like, in addition to the very fact of piracy), but he’s not the only one. I guess pirates have their own morality and just because Flint does things I wouldn’t do doesn’t mean he doesn’t have some kind of code. He even acknowledges, speaking to Billy, that pirates have a way of life that makes sense to them but not to mainstream people (I know I’m making pirates sound like hipsters but it was the first phrasing that came to mind): “men who keep what is theirs and fear no one.” 

Speaking of Billy the boatswain, I really like him as well, and not just because he’s played by Tom Hopper. His type of gambling has to do with how much of his faith and loyalty he’s going to put into Flint. He pretends that Flint was correct to accuse Singleton of theft, but he’s by no means a sycophant. When Flint is brutally interrogating Richard Guthrie and tells Billy to point the gun at Guthrie, Billy has no problem pointing it at Flint instead. So if Billy is playing along with Flint’s scheme, he must have weighed the options and decided this was best. Billy, like Flint, thinks, speaks, and acts for himself. Also, he looks like Tom Hopper.

Silver is a bit of a weird character because he’s to some extent our point-of-view character, but he’s also absent for large parts of the episode. Regarding his role as the audience stand-in, it was cool to show him discovering all the information about the Urca de Lima at the same time that Flint’s voiceover was explaining the same information. Regarding Silver’s personality, I really enjoy his unapologetic selfishness and self-preservation. Everyone on the show has their ways of looking out for themselves, and for Silver, that happens to mean hiding below deck, killing the cook (in self-defense, to be fair), stealing the Urca’s schedule because he knows it’s valuable even though he doesn’t know why, and pretending he’s a cook so he gets to join the crew of the Walrus (I’m looking forward to find out whether he actually can cook). But when Flint kills Singleton, do I dare see in Silver’s face a hint of remorse that his actions might have gotten someone killed, or do I need to be more cynical? Anyway, his main gamble is to hold on to the schedule rather than hand it over to Flint. He also has to make the gamble to trust Max.

Max, who is pretty mysterious so far but very alluring, likewise has to gamble to trust Silver. I like their dynamic—good teamwork from two blatantly self-interested people. Her acquisition of the schedule parallels how Silver got it: he could tell the cook really wanted to hold onto it, she could tell he really wanted to hold onto it. Both of them are clearly good at identifying where profit lies and getting there. Silver says that when he sees an opportunity for gain, he can’t help but take it; when given the chance to back out of a partnership with him, Max isn’t tempted, which suggests that she is much the same. As for another of Max’s relationships, as I have said, one of the reasons I wanted to watch this show was that I knew it had quality gay/bi content and WOW it turns out they hit you with it right in the first episode! I ship her and Eleanor by default (and because of the line “Max is your harbor,” I’ve decided my ship tag will be “all I want is to be your harbor”) but their interaction was mostly sex, so I hope we get to see more depth to their relationship soon. However, one of the episode’s few tender moments was Max’s concern when she saw the bruise Vane left on Eleanor’s face, so that bodes well for her and for the two of them.

I think Eleanor might be my favorite character so far, largely because Hannah New is very attractive when she’s swearing. And in general. She gambles by funding Gates’ efforts at bribery (making their interaction also a gamble for Gates) and oops she almost won that gamble but not quite. She also has to choose between loyalty to Vane and loyalty to Flint. She chooses Flint. We’ll see how that turns out. She is undoubtedly and unapologetically self-interested, but without crossing the line into immorality. (I mean immorality relative to the show’s baseline morality.) Same goes for most of these characters, now that I think about it, including Max. In addition to their similarities, these ladies balance each other: Eleanor is gruffer but more emotional, while Max is more subtle and more sanguine. Ship ship ship.

While watching The 100 I often wondered if Roan was just a boring character or if there was an innate boringness to Zach McGowan. Now I can declare that Roan is just a boring character. Vane is not boring. He’s pretty frightening, really. Maybe ZM should just only ever play villains? I don’t know. Anyway, despite being set up as the antagonist, I’m not yet convinced that Vane is really much worse than Flint. We shall see. He’s got a plan of his own, though it doesn’t really fit the gambling theme: he tried to engineer the victory of Singleton’s mutiny so that, once the crew of the Walrus realized they no longer had a competent captain, they’d defect to Vane’s crew. That didn’t pan out since Flint took down Singleton and made up with his crew, but Vane didn’t really lose anything, at least not as far as we’ve seen. For that reason, he’s probably the character who came out of the pilot looking the least vulnerable.

Gates, like Flint, feels like a character type I have seen before: the practical, long-suffering but loyal second-in-command to the headstrong, risk-taking team leader. The only other example I can think of is Bennet Drake from Ripper Street, but I think I’ve seen it elsewhere as well. Gates is the one who puts into words the theme I’ve been talking about: he tells Eleanor that if she loans him money to ensure Flint retains the captaincy, it will be an “investment in the future.” I’m looking forward to seeing whose investments pay off and whose future wins out.

There’s a lot of conflict already, but there’s a lot of overlap of characters’ traits, I guess because they all know this piratey world quite well and what kind of person you have to be to survive and to thrive. Basically, the first episode sets up a rough world where everyone is looking out for themselves and making difficult choices that they think are for their own good but that might have explosive consequences down the line. We get a glimpse of what these characters want and what they’re willing to do to get it. Also there are pirates. What’s not to love?

WHO DOES RACKHAM REMIND ME OF? I looked up Toby Schmitz’s filmography and I don’t think I’ve see him in anything else but I swear he reminds me of someone!

Best dialogue of the episode:

Gates, to Billy: You’re a highly regarded member of this crew. The captain regards your input more than you know.

Gates, to Flint: Billy’s going with you.

Flint: Who’s Billy?

[afoolsingenuity]

Bite Sized Books // A Look At Some Kindle Unlimited Books I’ve Read Recently

This week's Bite Sized Books edition features two books I have mixed feelings about and both are Kindle Unlimited borrows. I still don’t know how I feel about Kindle Unlimited but I’m willing to try it for another month and see how things go.

Borrowed Souls (Soul Charmer #1) – Chelsea Mueller Published: 2nd May 2017 Source: Kindle Unlimited Genre: Urban Fantasy My Rating:

Callie Delgado always puts family first, and unfortunately her brother knows it. She’s emptied her savings, lost work, and spilled countless tears trying to keep him out of trouble, but now he’s in deeper than ever, and his debt is on Callie’s head. She’s given a choice: do some dirty work for the mob, or have her brother returned to her in tiny pieces.

Renting souls is big business for the religious population of Gem City. Those looking to take part in immoral—or even illegal—activity can borrow someone else’s soul, for a price, and sin without consequence. To save her brother, Callie needs a borrowed soul, but she doesn’t have anywhere near the money to pay for it. The slimy Soul Charmer is willing to barter, but accepting his offer will force Callie into a dangerous world of magic she isn’t ready for.

With the help of the guarded but undeniably attractive Derek—whose allegiance to the Charmer wavers as his connection to Callie grows—she’ll have to walk a tight line, avoid pissing off the bad guys, all while struggling to determine what her loyalty to her family’s really worth.

Losing her brother isn’t an option. Losing her soul? Maybe.

This was put on my radar by Danya and it was a decent read. I was interested to find out how the story was going to progress but it didn’t quite click for me. I think I went in with my expectations too high. I didn't love this as much I'd hoped.

It’s not all bad, it had its fun moments, I laughed along at parts but something about the characters and the story just didn’t work to make me love it. I don’t think it helped that I spent at least a third of the book being confused about the whole church element of the book. The church plays a major role in shaping the progression of the story. The church supports the renting of souls to prevent folks from truly sinning but instead allows them to keep their soul clean with their indiscretions… but it also makes committing crimes easier as souls muddy up the whole evidence thing (or something). It was weird and it wasn’t explained at the start so I sat there questioning if I missed something and I think that really threw me out of the book.

Callie was a fun character, though, and you want an MC who is easy to like with these things. It's easy to like a character when they're hard done by their family and stuck once more rescuing her brother doing some morally questionable and legally debatable things. My biggest problem was her entire family being selfish dicks I did not have time for and I didn’t get how Callie hadn’t cut them out already. I get blood’s thicker than water and all that but I just didn't get it and that made me not care as much about Callie’s struggles as they were all self-made.

Then there was Derek whose connection with Callie felt awfully rushed. It was like he was male and convenient to make the love interest. I'm not saying there wasn't some spark there but not enough for me to ship them before they even got it on. I am intrigued by his backstory though because there was definitely a lot more to him than you see in this book.

I think my biggest struggle was I spent so much time confused in the book. I didn't understand the dynamics of Gem City, why the church was so huge and who on earth Ford was. I didn't get enough set up. I don't want an info dump but some info would have helped me get into the story at the start instead of stumbling along blind questioning everything. The humour was perfect, definitely my kind of humour, but unfortunately, other things brought this one down a touch for me so I’ll be dithering over reading the next book.

.

Pestilence (The Four Horsemen #1) – Laura Thalassa

Published: 20th March 2018

Source: Kindle Unlimited

Genre: Romance, Fantasy, Paranormal

My Rating:

They came to earth—Pestilence, War, Famine, Death—four horsemen riding their screaming steeds, racing to the corners of the world. Four horsemen with the power to destroy all of humanity. They came to earth, and they came to end us all.

When Pestilence comes for Sara Burn’s town, one thing is certain: everyone she knows and loves is marked for death. Unless, of course, the angelic-looking horseman is stopped, which is exactly what Sara has in mind when she shoots the unholy beast off his steed.

Too bad no one told her Pestilence can’t be killed.

Now the horseman, very much alive and very pissed off, has taken her prisoner, and he’s eager to make her suffer. Only, the longer she’s with him, the more uncertain she is about his true feelings towards her … and hers towards him.

And now, well, Sara might still be able to save the world, but in order to do so, she'll have to sacrifice her heart in the process.

This book was ridiculous and I really enjoyed it. Like, I know I haven’t rated it all that high and there are complaints to be had, but I honestly really enjoyed reading and wanted to get to the end and see how it would all get resolved. I also don't want to claim it as amazing because I did question why I kept reading a few times, I'm not gonna lie. It was good and bad all rolled into one but I was fully committed to getting to the end because I wanted to know what would happen so even if it was bad it was the good kind of bad.

Let’s start off with the premise and it might explain why I needed to see how it was all going to work out. The basic premise is simple: this is the world after the four horsemen of the apocalypse have arrived. No, I do not know who all the four horsemen are either but isn’t that what Google is for? The first one to arrive is Pestilence, though (hence the book's title). The four horsemen arrived signalling the start of the apocalypse and made electricity go a bit wonky (but only sometimes) and meant the world didn't work as it used to. Currently, the other horsemen are resting up and it's just Pestilence riding around the globe spreading a new plague and killing folks off and that is where our story begins.

The characters were interesting. Our MC is Sara Burns (I seriously only learnt what her name was about a third of the way in if it was mentioned before I did not retain it). She is living in a world after the four horsemen arrived and she's struggling through. She worked at the fire station and she is the last of a small group of people in a town that's evacuated as the horseman was coming. She ends up being the unlucky person who gets to complete their plan of killing Pestilence and ending the whole plague/apocalypse thing. She does it and ends up getting taken prisoner and that's basically the story. Seriously, that’s all you need to know really, the rest is just filler.

Sara is obviously a reluctant prisoner but the more time she's stuck with cheery old Pestilence (because he is a bit of a miserable git) the more she grows to appreciate some of his complexities. And he is the absolute worst, at the start with the way he treated her I really wanted to take him down and teach him a thing or two about not being a dick (that’s my philosophy in life: don’t be a dick). Another factor which helps in Sara softening towards Pestilence is he is mighty easy on the eyes. Like, she is totally down for a bit of hate sex from the start because he is like that dudebro you hate but you can’t help lusting after every so often when you’re weak and up for making bad decisions. The longer they spend together the closer they grow. They both struggle with their gradually growing connection. I mean, Sara is liking the guy there to literally wipe out the human race, you can get her struggle. And Pestilence? Well, he is feeling some human hate because honestly, we can be total dicks. Sometimes I think we all need a lesson in not being dicks because otherwise why would the world be in the state it is? But whatever, the pair are struggling is my point and I could appreciate the struggle. I think because I just couldn't believe the resolution to this major central problem of them being opposite sides is what made me rate this lower. It was too clean and I was sat there thinking ‘really?’ because I expected it to be more dragged out. I know, the only time I want to be dragged out!

So yeah, like it wasn’t bad. Hell, I enjoyed it but I just couldn’t with the ending, I needed more. I don’t know, I’ll still read the next one (if I remember about it). It was a ridiculous and fun book. I adored the hate banter between Sara and Pestilence and the miscommunication was fun in this one because they both had such different perspectives. It was great in that way like the characters were on point! The story needed a touch more refining though. I mean, a book with a horse named Trixie Skillz is kind of awesome. And I mean Pestilence is a virgin hero and you know there aren’t enough of those out in the romance world! But, like, the other horsemen are barely even mentioned. And the whole electricity working and not working bothered me because there was no continuity. Little things niggled. So yeah, it was good and bad but I do recommend reading.

And there are my reviews, have you read either of these books? Do you find yourself enjoyed and disliking a book so you’re all kinds of confused about your feelings?

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