#i mean every job is valuable to society nvm. anyway I'm sort of off the rails here uhm | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

vamptastic · 2 years ago

Text

been starting to realize that ive been doing Real Bad for a Real Long time and it's a bit scary. ive upped my antidepressants which should help in a couple weeks (and them starting to wear off is probably what caused the depressive spiral, tbh). and honestly just knowing what's going on and being able to take active steps to fix it instead of feeling like ive just suddenly lost my ability to be a whole human person is helpful.

but god it's so scary that i was like that for months and didn't really notice. i mean, obviously i knew things were bad, but i was really attributing it to a personal inability to keep up with the expectations around me and not realizing i was mostly struggling so much because my mental health had tanked. i managed to scrape my way out of this one without crazy longterm damage, beyond worrying some teachers, missing the early application deadlines for a couple schools, and overall reinforcing the idea that i am unwell and not to be trusted with my parents, but it's very demoralizing to know that even though i work very hard when i'm able to there will probably always be periods in my life when my depression impedes me from amount of work expected of a normal human being.

i mean, i'm still in high school, and i couldn't keep up with just coming to school every day and keeping up with classwork. i'm not saying this makes me a terrible person, contributing to society isn't what gives someone worth, but i know i'm capable of more without this setback and it's frustrating.

just, i don't know what i'm going to do once i live on my own. having people around me who can look at me and say 'hey man you are clearly going through some shit take it easy' is the only way i can snap out of episodes like these thus far. ive been looking forward to college and feeling like my life and time is going towards a meaningful purpose for so long and i am going to be so, so upset if i fuck it up.

it just hurts having high expectations put on me, i guess. i don't want go on a litany of gifted kid woes or whatever but i am very intellectually intelligent and adults have looked at that and assumed i must succeed and if i'm not i'm not trying hard enough. it's great when i do achieve something big and i get to fulfill those expectations but i just don't know if i can, in the long term.

i struggle with such basic parts of being a functional adult. and i know my parents and teachers do just want me to be happy and don't care if i don't end up where they thought i would, but it just always feels like there's this better version of me out there if i could just stop missing school and stop procrastinating and really apply myself. but when i DO apply myself i quickly burn out and enter another destructive spiral.

there's not really a point to this, i guess. just that i want to succeed and i don't want to fuck it all up for myself because my brain tells me it doesn't matter for a few months. it does, when i'm not depressed i do care, so so so much, and i hate having to fight myself for what i want.

#txt #i know there's like a lot of internalized abelism here #i mean idk that im disabled per se but #its easy for me to look at someone else and say that just living is all that is required and ability to work doesn't give you worth #but i can't really apply it to myself #kinda for commie reasons. i believe strongly in the power of my ideals i guess. that everyone should want to help other people.#that a good life is spent fighting for others rights. that that's a virtue. but i mean.#that's kind of contradictory cos like who is fighting for my life and happiness? why does other ppls wellbeing matter but not mine?#and i guess i need to learn to see life as more collaborative. each to his own ability yk?#like every person should help others as much as they can. but if they can't at all? it's okay.#even if they can't do as much as others think they would bc of their mental health. also okay.#it is just hard to actually believe that when so few ppl actually believe their life should be dedicated towards smth useful to society #that their personal wealth and comfort while still valuable is not more valuable than others. t that they should care abt those worth off #guess there is value to the idea that you should get to do what you want with your life too. suppose that is the primary issue w communism #i mean every job is valuable to society nvm. anyway I'm sort of off the rails here uhm #depression sux im sick of it i want to be an environmental engineer and i don't want this to hold me back.

0 notes